Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-11-24

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

Bill rambles about Irish looking people, going to Indianapolis, and revolting against face I.D. SimpliSafe:  Listeners get a special 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  HelixSleep:  Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners.  Go to www.HelixSleep.com and use code HELIXPARTNER20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 11, 2020. What's going on? How are you? How are you? Oh, Billy, no smoke. Oh, smokeless fucking tobacco, fucking ginger-faced freckled bald cunt over here. Ten days are just hacking up. I got the last little bit here. I'm actually thinking part of it's like I have milk in my coffee. A little sugar in your coffee there. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe I should lay off that. just go to some espressos. S, not X, espresso. All right, and so it's et cetera, ET, et cetera, et cetera. There's a lot of weird shit out there, people, you know, that you've just been saying wrong

forever. Like, I still, I say, I've talked about this before. I say nuclear instead of nuclear, nuclear device. Oh, geez, like fucking Oppenheimer. I'm finally watching that movie, man. Good Lord. I gotta be honest with you, man. Watching that movie, the fucking amount of work that it must have been putting that thing together on all levels, halfway through the movie, great movie to watch on the road when you get away from your kids and everything

and you got time, like the sheer amount of scenes, the costumes, the sets, the writing, back and forth, all of that footage. I'm about an hour and a half in it. It's an absolute masterpiece. My god, Robert Downey Jr. Jesus. Jesus. Just when you thought Iron Man was the peak there. This one you thought Iron Man was the peak there. That fucking guy, first of all, I didn't even know it was him for like the first like three scenes. That's when somebody is, I think just crushing it when they're so in it, you don't even recognize them.

And it actually made me believe in Clark Kent because because I always think to think like, really, you just put on a pair of glasses and nobody knows that you're the Cape Crusader. Is that a way of, no, Man of Steel? You don't know that he's Superman? It really is amazing how super just somehow has just gone generations and generations and all the other like sayings, the only hang around for a minute. Somehow Superman, Super Bowl, but nobody says it.

Like, hey, you wanna go on and get a cup of coffee? Oh, that would be super. Like, someone would just be doing it just mocking the word, but for some reason you just don't question it. Superman, the Super Bowl. Anyways Anyways I used to always think Clark Kent had like the fucking laziest like that serial killer trying to get caught like he just puts on a pair of fucking hipster glasses and parts his hair the other way and you know who are you who's this guy who's this fucking jacked

journalist I'm totally buying this shit, right? And I used to always make fun of that. Now having seen Robert Downey Jr. with glasses on and he combed his hair the different way and I had no idea it was him, I now believe in Clark Kent. That's how good Robert Downey Jr. is in Oppenheimer. He made me believe in Superman's alter ego. Although I think I always have like an alter ego. Like that really is sort of a nod to like mental illness. Which by the way, I was,

I'm here in Detroit right now with Nate Craig, who's another one. Like I always know when I'm about to lose an opener, they just start killing at a level where I'm like, like this, I'm just, yeah, I'm just holding you back at this. Why would you go around, you should be doing your own fucking thing at this point.

That's where Nate is, that's where Dean Del Rey is, that's where Bartnick was a year ago, now he's off headline and I just, they're all leaving the nest. But I'm also happy about that too, because I don't want to have a terminal opener. There's nothing sadder than that. That they're just going to be, they're just settled in, they're going to open for their whole career. I always just, I always look at comics that I see starting to go down that road and I'm like, what are you going to do if the person you're opening for just drops dead or quits

or back in the day, got a movie career or a TV show going? No one in the clubs, all they've all changed, the bookers have changed. And now you're going to be like 50 years old, calling up a place you used to work, trying to get it going again. I don't know, it's terrifying. Anyway, what the hell was I gonna be, I was gonna talk about was, oh, I'm in Detroit right now.

So I'm with Nate Craig, right? And we're trying to find a good place. So I just look up Best Coffee Near Me, and it says Lucky's Coffee Shop or something here in Detroit and it was like 1.2 miles away. Then you know Detroit, you know it's really coming back but I've been going to Detroit since the late 90's so even during the day I'm like do we want to walk 1.2 miles into the abyss and I don't know what neighborhood I'm walking into.

So I say to Nate, I go, do you wanna take an Uber? And he goes, no, I wanna walk. And I just go, I wanna walk, walk. And we just started singing, twisted sister. And we went out. And we went out. And it would just walk into the wind and it just took me back to when I was a kid.

I was a walker. You know, there was kids that took the bus. We actually just qualified to be on the bus, but we chose to walk because my best friend lived about a quarter mile up the street and we would always meet him. And it was like blowing so hard because we're right off a lake, Erie, one of the Great Lakes. You know, Canada only has the Great One. We have the five Great Lakes and they are ours. You know, Canada only has the great one. We have the five great lakes and they are ours. I know that the property line goes through the middle, but let's be honest. If we really wanted to throw down with Canada and just say, listen, okay, I don't want to

start anything here, but we're taking the lakes. What, what would they do? You know, I mean, Canada can't even win a fucking Stanley Cup. You think they're gonna win a war? Oh, God, I just felt everyone in Canada go, what the fuck, Bill? Fucking low blow, I'm kidding. I'm fucking with you, all right? I've been to Canada, I've seen your war memorials, I know what you've done to contribute to fight against fascism.

Is there any way candidate could rise up again against our two presidential candidates? I refuse to fucking watch this a lot. I'm just, I am not watching it. I'm not watching it the same way when I used to walk in and my wharf was be watching sex in the city. I am like, I am not watching this shit. I cannot watch these beautiful women delivering punch lines

written by 60 year old gay guys in the 90s. I just, I just, whenever she puts, I told you, whenever she puts that show on, anytime a joke is delivered, you can always tag it with, oh, honey. And it always works. Anyways, it was like, you know, like clever comedy. It doesn't make you laugh, it makes your eyebrows go up,

like, eh, just it's that mixed with a snap from 12 to six. That's the jokes on that show. In youendo! It's funny, I'm in a hotel. I bet somebody just walked right by my hotel door and heard me sing inuendo. Anyway, so we start walking up the street

and the wind was blowing and it just took me back to when I was a kid walking to school and, you school and Nate's from Wisconsin. I was like, Nate, were you a walker? He goes, yeah, he was, I missed the bus a lot. So I'd walk two miles to school. I go, do you remember this move? And it was the turning around and walking backwards

into the wind. There was that, there was nostril, remember nostril freezing weather? You'd have to start breathing in through your, breathe in through your nose, your nostrils would like stick for half a second. All this is gonna go away with global warming. It's just not gonna be a thing anymore.

Although probably walking backwards into the wind, once all these big corporations, you know, cut down all the mountains or something, who knows? But let's not go dark, we're not. So we're walking. We want to walk, walk. Up to Lucky's. And we start going up the hill and all of a sudden Nate's going, are those drums? Am I hearing drums? I'm like, well, it's Detroit. Drums are gunshots. I don't know what that is, right? And we get up there and there's a parade. I'm like, what the fuck's going on? A parade, okay. And I see the police and firemen.

I go, all right, is this like a first responders? First responders? I don't think there's any phrase in the world that fucking drives me up the wall like that. First responders, that's literally a religious level of guilt. You know They respond first while you sit on your ass you

Uniformed piece of shit like that's just how I take it. I might be defensive. Okay, I'll take 40% but no more than that So I thought it was a first responder You mean doing your job Stop acting like we all sat around like a bunch of cowards they call you and you show up. That's your job Fucking lady down the Starbucks is a first responders. I walk in. Hey, can I help you? I? Don't see her halftime Get a fucking NFL game and we all got to stand up and thank her

for her service. Anyway, so we get up there and it turns out it's everybody's dressed up like fucking leprechauns and those dumb green hats and green and orange beards, you know, and I'm like, what the fuck is this? It's March 10th. And I found out that they celebrate St. Patrick's Day a week earlier in Detroit because so many people go to Chicago for the big one. When they paint the River Green and all of that, like, you know what's funny about a St. Patrick's Day

parade now is we are so like mixed at this point just from generations of just banging each other that nobody looks Irish. I was like walking through the parade like nobody here looks Irish. Nobody. I don't like and there was a couple of old guys like there's one there. There's one but it was awesome. So we were walking up the street There's one but it was awesome. So we were walking up the street Then we just kind of in prompt to ended up getting to see a parade. There was all these great bands There was this cool old truck and they had like, you know, the wacky old siren and they were doing a skit for some reason some people had

Would do it were dressed like leprechauns with the Ghostbusters song going on and they just kept playing. Bustin' makes me feel so good. I'm like, is that a remix? And he said, no, he always said that. I go, does he mean like Bustin' and not? He said, well, no, but they kind of meant that. You know, meant like Bustin' the Ghost or whatever. I don't know. But you know what they mean, right?

A little innuendo there. So we go up there. in the ghost or whatever, I don't know, but you know what they mean, right? Little innuendo there. So we go up there. We're so watching the parade, we walk past Lucky's like for like a block and a half and like, wait a minute, where the hell's Michigan Avenue? Whatever, we come back and we went in there. Absolutely outstanding cup of coffee if you're ever in Detroit, Lucky's,

and then upstairs they have this old school barbershop. I give the place five out of five stars and the staff was super friendly and really nice to us. And then we came back out and we walked back down. I got some Detroit style pizza. I got the little four inch forced slice one. Split that with Nate. Then I went over to Shinola, which I always end up spending money over there.

And then we found this other coffee place. I'm like, dude, we gotta go in there. It just looks, I remember when that place was vacant. Like there's a lot of these, like this whole area that I'm staying in. Like I remember when this place was like, you'd just be looking at the shell of the building going, like that is a beautiful building.

I wish somebody would redo it. Well, guess what? They are redoing it. And if you look into invest money, I would say Detroit is a great place to be because I've seen Cleveland and Pittsburgh and maybe even Baltimore sort of right here, right where they're at right now before they fucking,

you know, before it explodes, and all the corporate cuts come in and they just start building glass towers for luxury, high rise, you know, rentals. And people from around the world are like fucking washing their money and they never even stay in them. And they,

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know, if I was president, world are like fucking washing their money and they never even stay in them. You know, if I was president, these are two things that I would do. If I was president, I would legalize the happy ending at the end of a massage. Tell me I'm not getting elected. And then I would also, I would, uh, you can't be from another country and just buy a fucking apartment and not live in it because it kills all the businesses around you because there was somebody living there and now there isn't, or there was a building there and they knocked it down.

It was like, fuck this. You gotta invest in this country. And I think that needs to come back. I think that needs to come back. I think that needs to come back. A little, you know, American patriotism that isn't wrapped in racism. Make it great again. I tell it like it is.

Here comes the N word fucking stupid white people thing. I'm not talking about that. I mean like all the regular people. Like last night, I come to this fucking hotel. It's a really nice hotel. All they got is the late night menu. Oh, Billy Protein stayed away from the carbs, getting his bikini body ready for the fucking summer, right? Sorry for that visual. That even made me wince. I really apologize for that. I ordered some chicken wings. And yes, I do get it with ranch. I hate blue cheese.

Blue cheese is fucking gross. It's like somebody busted a nut into some fucking cheese. I fucking hate blue cheese. It's just too much. It's fucking too much. It's like your buddy who doesn't know when to stop. You know what I mean? He just has too many drinks

and then starts saying inappropriate shit and then he's bumping into people. You know, there's always some table that's gonna get broken when he's around, right? So I fucking, I call up. Ah, Jesus, hang on, I gotta fucking, I gotta hack this up. It's the only way I'm gonna get it out people.

I apologize. I'm in the bathroom now. Wait a second, I'm not gonna make you listen to only way I'm gonna get it out people. I apologize. I'm in the bathroom now. Wait a second, I'm not gonna make you listen to this. I'm gonna hit pause. All right, that was gross. Anyway, so I ordered the wings and then all of a sudden, like, they go like, it's gonna be a half hour.

I'm like, cool, right? 20 minutes later, my phone's ringing. And I thought it just meant there was somebody outside, like the doorbell, and it rings the phone or some weird shit. So I go to the door, and so I go to the door, and yeah, I did hack up again. It's gotta be the fucking milk and the coffee,

because I wasn't hacking at all. I haven't been smoking. This is, I'm like a doctor right now that doesn't have a fucking medical degree, also known as a podcaster, which is what you're listening to. Yesterday's doctors are today's podcasters. Oh, it's interesting. There's an echo in this room. I sound like Dean Martin in here, right? Volare! Whoa!

So I don't answer the phone. I go to the door and there's nobody there. I'm like, oh, it is my phone ring and I pick it up. And there's no, you know, I missed it. So I'm like, oh, whatever, it's probably somebody fucking drunk calling the wrong room or something. So then another 10 minutes goes by and the fucking phone rings again. So I'm like, all right, pick up the phone this time. They say, hey, you know, we unfortunately,

they sent the cook home. No one can make your chicken wings. You buffalo wings. And I just said to the late rather than get upset about it, they will give you a voucher for breakfast. I don't need a voucher. I go, I go, isn't it ridiculous? Like the level of skeleton crew that they run at a hotel. Now, like how few people that they have to try to run the whole thing? Like how much money do they need to make?

You know? And I know you're being grossly underpaid. I've just decided what I'm gonna do is bond with the worker because I know that that woman every night gets yelled at like it's her fucking decision. You know, it's like when they overbook a fucking flight and people yell at the person at the ticket counter. It wasn't their decision. Try that next time rather than yelling at them.

Going like, isn't it crazy that they do this on purpose and then everybody starts yelling at you? You know, I wanna thank you for, you know, whatever the hell, they should bring those people out. Half time. Half time at a fucking football game or before the game. And rather than standing up and applauding we all apologize. Hang your heads in shame rather than a moment of silence you know you hang your head in shame and then they only whatever they hook a

rep or him up with some bullshit Some gift bag whatever the fucking all right. It's time for the game bread and circus here. We go so Completely lost my train of thought what the fuck was it oh, yeah Corporations or whatever right is that what I was talking about. I don't know what all I know is oh, I know as far as like You know investing back in America. I went to Gary, Indiana And the amount of people that said why are you going to Gary, Indiana? Like why would you go there? It's like why wouldn't I go there? Those people don't deserve a show just because the steel mill fucking left and everything's all fucked up there

Why I just don't understand that. They deserve a show too. You know? And I'll tell you this, they're gonna be beyond psych that you show up. I'll tell you what's fucking overrated is just going to the same cities that fucking, you know, you know,

you know, I was in Indianapolis, people are like, why did you go to Gary? And it's like you're an Indianapolis fucking you too comes here. You don't need me to come here. You too doesn't go to Gary. At least they can have some bald cunt come in there once every once in a while and tell some shit jokes. Can they at least get that? They can't get superstar rock stars. Can they at least get that? They can't get superstar rock stars. Can they get a fucking transparent middle-aged white guy selling his whiz?

I had such a good time in the Gary, Indiana. We landed. We went by the Jackson family house. Indiana, we landed, we went by the Jackson family house. We're all nine of them lived in Gary, that famous house, and it's on Jackson Street. And I assumed that they named the street after them, and they didn't. It just was a coincidence that they, they, as the Jackson family lived on Jackson Street. I don't know if that was foreshadowing the greatness that was gonna come from there, but You know it was like I Well can't even compare it to Graceland because it'd be like seeing the house that Elvis Grew up in I wonder if they still have that I Have no idea but whatever

And What else did I see when I was there? I saw the old Paramount Theater. I saw a few things when I was there. Unfortunately, it was raining, and we got there late at night, so I couldn't see much of it. But I don't know. I saw this thing where comedian Mike Epps went back to his hometown and bought up a whole block and fixed it up.

And is any fucking politician gonna give him the award that he deserves? And I just don't mean locally. Like for somebody to do that, we need more people to do that. Well, for the fucking, why don't you go do it, Bill? That's a good goddamn question. I'm gonna fucking, I don't you go do it Bill? That's a good goddamn question.

I'm gonna fucking, I don't know, I don't know how much money you need to buy up a whole fucking block, but it was, it made me feel so great when I saw that. And I've always liked Mike Epson. He's like one of those guys like, you know, when they talk about, you know, people you don't wanna have to go on, you know, they always have the, oh, who's the greatest, blah, blah,

blah, blah, there's a different list when it comes to, because a lot of times when they say who's the greatest, it's also like, that has, a lot of that has to do with like, that the industry can make money off of them too. You know what I mean? Like you have to like, be selling a certain amount of tickets and going to Hollywood having projects made and they're making the suits of making money off of you

to then like get on that list. And then, but like the overall, you know what I mean? Like is a different list. And I'll just say, like, as a comedian, like, if I had a list of people, like, that I don't wanna go on, like, it's gonna differ from the list that they're always putting out,

those other who's the best or whatever. And right at the top, Mike Epps would not want to have to go on after that guy. So not only do I respect him like that as a comedian and as an actor and all of that, but like the fact that he would go back to his hometown and do what he did also shows that he's a great man. So, you know, I don't know.

Isn't that a better story than fucking watch and CNN and Fox News who I swear to God, I am really starting to become convinced that they're owned by the same person. And they're just acting like it's Ted Turner and that other guy Ralph Malf, whatever his fucking name is. I always forget the guy's name, Rupert Murdoch, right? Like they have opposing fucking views.

I think the whole thing is just fucking designed. It's just too convenient. And it's, I don't know, I think that's one of the major things. You stop watching those, get people stop watching those channels and gets kids to stop looking at fucking screens and legalize the happy ending after a massage. And I mean, you know, when we start investing in cities,

I mean, imagine if you just ran on that platform. How soon would they label you a communist and anti-Semite, a socialist, say that you went to Epstein Island? I mean, they would just fucking just tar and feather you before you even got going. Let's go positive here, man Shinola one of my favorite fucking companies out there shout out to them I bought one of their watches they have the sickest fucking

You know, you know like those strips that you buy You know to plug a bunch of shit into if you want one that just looks a little nicer. It's more expensive I'm not gonna lie to you. They got a couple man They got one that's got like three and then one has six and then it has like the things where if you don't have like the Square plug-in thing you can just stick it right in they come in all these different cool colors And it's high quality shit Bags bicycles and all that and all American made right here in Detroit, you know? So I was going and I tried to buy something.

Got something for my, uh, my daughter. I got her one of those desk clocks and it's the old school one. And she can actually tell time on the old school one. She's also learning scriptive things, all of that. You know, I'm going to teach her how to drive a stick. There's a few things, you know, old school things, you know, that you need to know. All right, I think all of that

and a little bit of AC DC, you know, climate tree, and I think you're on the right road. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But I just might be this fucking old guy. Anyway, so tonight is Detroit, which I'm really looking forward to, and that'll be the end of this run. And then I'm off for a week,

and then I do like a run of dates. I think I'm at the Fox Theater or something like that in St. Louis. Really looking forward to just being in the same city. Another great city another great city With great people, you know If you guys got some good food spots coffee spots or any of that shit. Let me know Tweet me or whatever the fuck you're supposed to say

Right into the podcast And I think that's it. Oh tonight's the Oscars It's the biggest night in show business people where all the stars come out. What are you wearing? I Would say this is one of the strongest years for movies I've seen in a long long time but it's probably because I watched most of them But some of the movies that I saw Oppenheimer obviously because I watched most of them, but some of the movies that I saw, Oppenheimer, obviously, Killers of the Flower Moon, Anatomy of a Fall, fuck, the writing in that, Jesus Christ, was that fucking like amazing, and then someone who's written some scripts, it was like humbling,

like oh my god, like do I actually think I'm good at this like this is this is a fucking masterpiece and American fiction was another great one and Then Barbie Barbie was the shit that how that movie looks is the shit It's like Alice in Wonderland level Set you know what I mean if you're too afraid to take mushrooms you just kind of want to go on this fucking Beyond the message of the movie. If you're just fucking watching it, it's pretty wild.

I mean, it takes me back to when I was a kid watching like the banana splits and far out space nuts and everything was just like super fucking vivid colors, orange and like really like, it was funny cause like Hollywood knew that all these kids were doing drugs and they don't give a shit. They're just like, well let's make it look like you're on drugs so we can still make money off of them.

That's how my business pivots, they don't, they don't try to help things out. They just try to like, alright is is that what you guys are doing? All right, let's just make some shit that makes you feel like you're doing that. Anyway, but I'm about like I said, I'm halfway through Oppenheimer and the performances in it like, it's just, it's really, really,

you know, it's every reason why they make movies. So we'll see. I meant to get through, I think there was like 10 nominees for Best Picture, so I got through six of them, which is pretty fucking, I usually only see one or two with the kids and doing the road, but I really tried this year because I want it, you know, I'm such an idiot.

I was like, I'm gonna stay home and I'm gonna watch the Oscars with my wife and actually kind of know what's going on. Could be a really nice night. And for once I won't be interrupting because I will be invested in this because I actually know what the fuck they're talking about. And of course I'm on the road.

And you blew it. All right, let's do some reads here for this week. Some reads. Oh, in Indianapolis, I got to give a shout out to Pat McAfee and his show for helping me sell some tickets out there. And him and his lovely wife, Samantha, came back. Just fucking great, great people. Salt of the Earth.

He is exactly like he is on the show. Just fucking hilarious, you know, joking around, big hearted, great guy, just great guy, his wife's a sweetheart, just fucking really great people. So thank you so much to them for coming out to the show and having me on the show. And give me some great business advice too, you know?

Telling you. Couple of smart cookies there. So thank you to them and thank you to everybody that came out and Gary, Indiana, Indianapolis, and now Detroit. All right, that's it. Okay, plowing ahead. Simply safe, everybody.

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Oh my God, it's Hymns. You know why I say it that way? I'm doing the Warriors. It wasn't us, it was them, the Warriors. Hymns, Real Talk. I swear to God they wrote that. Real Talk, Real Talk, yo. Oh, Billy, appropriation here.

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So get your fucking head in the game. It's one of those moments where if your disc, if your dick was wearing a helmet, you'd grab it by the face mask, give it a fucking head slap. Look at all works, all the innuendo works here. But it's always been a taboo topic. Thankfully, well, I think a dry pussy is also taboo.

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three quarters of the way up. And if you like me and you put, like you were the level of like, you know those Japanese houses they have and you come in, you kick your shoes off and then you sit down, you know, like that's where my backbend was about two months ago. And I've been just trying, no, I'd say six months ago.

It's taken me a while, not gonna lie. It's been like six months and it's all your so as of just sitting down in rental cars, flying across the country, sitting on your ass, watching games and not stretching it out. I thought it was my back. I was just like, dude, my back just doesn't bend that way. I didn't realize it was the hip flexes in my soas

and all of that. Anyway, hey Billy Barbie baby. How are you? So my girlfriend is into yoga and as a result, so am I. She actually opened her own yoga studio. Don't worry, it's not a hot yoga studio. It doesn't get sweaty, you know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, Jesus.

Like the fucking level of mopping, and they just don't mop up between classes. It's so fucking nasty, nasty. But they don't mop up enough. You know what I mean? You walk in there and you're just walking on the floor and you have to be in your fucking bare feet. I swear to God.

I mean, the amount of people that must get like fucking athletes foot and planters wart in those things. And the instructor, like their feet are just immune to it. They're always walking around in their bare feet. I don't know how they do it. So anyways, the person says, in fact, next time you're in Toronto, you should come take a class on the house. It's room temperature and it's fucking great.

I remember when I was in my early 20s, I would 100% do that. I had an uncle who suggested I do it and I thought he was a Mary, oh, especially as a Canadian. You guys are all hockey players, pulling your own teeth out between shifts. Oh, I think we should stitch that up.

Oh, I think I'm okay. You guys are maniacs. I don't think you're gonna be playing, doing yoga. Anyway, now think I'm okay. Guys are maniacs. I don't think you're gonna be playing, doing yoga. Anyway, now that I'm in my late 30s, I finally realized it's awesome for two things. The stretching and the great egg, great asses, he says Al Pacino voices. Bill, do not say my name on this podcast

because I can't have this get to my girl as I'm whoring out her yoga studio. Well, dude, you said Toronto. How many chicks? You should have done. You shouldn't have named the city either. Anyhow, I hope you're doing well. I love the podcast and all your specials. Take care and go f yourself to the Lou Billy boo I literally might have my I'm gonna have my guy fucking Andrew bleep out the city all right he was nice enough to write in I don't need to get this guy in trouble okay nicotine withdrawals now you guys are just fucking just hit not everything that I'm talking about this year the I'm going through I love this this. This is all about me.

This is feeding my narcissism. Nicotine withdrawals. Hey, old Billy Stogie, longtime listener, first time writer. I know you always blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When fans are kissing your ass in the reeds, but thank you for all your laughs, no worries. I'm 33 years old and I've been a fan of yours for over 20 years now.

That's crazy. You were 13 when you started listening to me. Oh, you're damn fucking old. And I'm still 23 years older than you. 22. All right, I've been a fan of 20 years and I've pretty much never missed a podcast in 12 plus years and I've seen all your specials at least twice. During some of the darkest moments of my life, divorce, death, of loved one, immense stress, some work, it's a, dude, you've lived a lot of life in 33 years. You always make me laugh. So for real, thank you. You can add levity to any situation. Oh, that's very nice of you. I appreciate that.

Anyways, on February 29th podcast, you mentioned you were going through a period where anger is pouring out of you and you don't have no idea why. Now that I'm a doctor, not that I'm a doctor. And you wrote now. Oh, now I'm not a doctor. And you wrote now, oh now I'm not a doctor. But I have been a nicotine addict since I started smoking cigarettes at 14.

This isn't some AA shit where I'm trying to tell you, you're just like me, man. Just saying, I obviously don't know your personality, but you're always talking about cigars in the podcast. You might have crossed that threshold into physical addiction to nicotine. Oh, 100%. 100%. And where does it go? It scrolls the fuck back up again on my thing. I don't even know how I'm doing this. It's like, I feel like a wizard. Nicotine addiction isn't quite the destructive monster. Alcohol or narcotic addiction can be besides the inevitable cancer. If you're smoking it. Yeah.

I think, yeah, it's, it's like one of those things where you can just still be a great dad and you don't miss birthdays. If all you're doing is smoking, but, uh, you miss a lot of birthdays by dying earlier. smoking but you miss a lot of birthdays by dying earlier. Anyways but it does turn out people into irritable cunts who are angry for no reason when they're not getting their nicotine. You might be just putting yourself in and out of withdrawal all the time. Oh my god I did it again!

I think I just realized how I'm doing this. If you put your finger on the screen and sort of roll your finger to the right instead of scrolling up, it makes it go up to the top. Okay, so I'm basically putting myself in and out of nicotine withdrawals all the time with the way you on again and off again smoke a bunch of cigars. You've been chipping and you finally snapped it. It happens to literally every smoker eventually. You're still getting lots of nicotine in through your gums even if you don't inhale the smoke. I quit smoking three and a half years ago. Congratulations. And chew two milligrams of

nicotine gum all the time instead. Dentists say it won't fuck my teeth up as long as there's no sugar in the gum. Maybe one day I'll successfully be nicotine free. But every time I try to stop the gum, I get real irritable and tempted to go buy cigarettes. So I just stick with the gum. Way better alternative than smoking. The gym and nicotine gum are your friend to battle this shit. Well that's some really nice advice. Maybe talk to your doctor about nicotine gum or any NRT,

nicotine replacement therapy. Thanks again for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. I'm a cold turkey person and I have to go through all the emotions and the anger and all that shit. I appreciate it, but like, I'm 10 days into the month so now that's all I need. Now I can just kind of, I just wish I could hack up this last little bit, so I'm reading about drinking different teas, um, you know, while inhaling steam and shit like this to

try to get rid of this last little bit, but I'm really starting to think that some of it, I don't know, just too much dairy, because I, you know, but I'm really starting to think that some of it, I don't know, just too much dairy. Because, you know, before I started drinking fucking coffee, I just keep picking one stupid habit after another to replace booze. That's basically what I'm doing. And then I overdo that. So maybe that's what it is.

I think I'm going to go espresso's the next few days and just see what that does. Or maybe limit myself to one cappuccino, like I was doing the beginning of the year before I went up. Now I'm up to two. Occasionally three, but for the most part, 90% of the days I just do two. I can't do three,

cause then I just get fucking crazy. Like I had three the other day and I sat down to play drums and I couldn't even control my bass drum foot because my fucking legs were shaking. I couldn't understand why I was playing so bad. All right, good journalism. Thank you for that advice by the way. All right, good journalism.

Moving on to the next one here, good journalism. I think the best way, oh, I was trying to find journalism that wasn't like biased CNN, Fox News, horseshit. Where are they? This person says, I think the best way to seek it out, the same way you have to seek out good friends and a happy life or good music or anything like that, I would think, is if you take what's

handed to you, you're probably just a sucker. If they're on television, there's certainly not period. There's nothing after that. It's just show after show, useless information that doesn't, that does nothing to solve a problem. Absolutely. It's incredible how retired generals who now sit on the board of weapons manufacturers

are the ones who are influencing public sentiments on war. The anti-war left and the anti-interventionist right are dead and gone. Recently, there was a chemical found in 100% of products, including Cheerios called chloro-machwatt, which is a pesticide and linked to reproductive and developmental issues. The story got a bit of traction in print media,

but there was absolutely no attention paid to how this happened and what to do to remedy the situation. Probably because General Mills pays a lot of money in advertising. Say what you will, but we never get a fair shake at a conversation about mRNA because pharmaceutical companies advertise tirelessly on news. I don't even know what mRNA stands for. Well, I guess I love Cheerios. I guess I'm going to stop eating those. News isn't news. It's wrestling for adults.

I used to say it's Santa Claus for adults. Well religion was Santa Claus for adults. I love that. News isn't news, it's wrestling for adults. Sir, that is a fucking great joke. Look at you. The funny guy at the water bubbler comes up with some fucking ace level standup material.

I fucking tip my microphone to you, sir, or ma'am. All right, government asking for my face. Hey, Billy, fuck nuggets. First time running to the show all the way from Belfast, Ireland. Oh my God, one of the most hardcore fucking cities I've ever been to in my life, in my life. That fucking place, that fucking place, the post trauma of the troubles.

That whole vibe, that fucking wall. The guy that opened the door that looked like Ian McShane at Ulster Hall. And I gave my big American friendly smile and he just looked into my soul. And the smile immediately washed off my face and I was just like, okay, okay. Stop cheesing, stop being so happy and joyful. These people have been through a lot of shit.

Adjust your fucking stupid, happy to be here American attitude. Okay, here we go. First time running in from Belfast, Ireland. Basically, I work in the film industry when I am on projects or have one. Basically, I work in the film industry when I'm on projects or have one. But to keep a stable income, I also work full time for a government department in an office on computers.

During lockdown and COVID, they gave us work from home kits, and now we have to come into the office one day a week. The security for logging into both the computers at home and the office is a blank card with the chip that has our logins, and all we do is put a password in. However, they are currently rolling out laptops to everyone that will not replace your work from home kit, but will replace the office computers. So what's the problem then? Well, the problem is the new laptops only have one way to sign in and it's a fucking scan of your face.

They are rolling them out to everyone and saying it's a it is mandatory to have one for when you come into the office. That still means they have a scan of my face though. People have tried to object to it and have just been forced into setting up one. No, just quit. Quit your fucking job. Unionize and say, we're not fucking doing this shit.

Regular people, we have got to get our shit together and we have got to push back. I know I sound paranoid. You're not paranoid. They are 100% not going to just use that for fucking that. I don't know what they're up to. I'm not on the ins, but I know enough and have read enough history and lived enough life to not trust fucking anybody. Says, I know I see you don't sound paranoid. You sound smart. You sound informed. But it just doesn't make sense to me why they would make it mandatory for everyone to have a laptop that the only way you can sign into using is your face. I don't want any government

department having that, especially when it seems like they are changing the system for no good reason. As the commuters, computers at home and in the office all work. Sorry for the long message, but this has been fucking getting on my nerves. Thanks so much for the great podcast, stand up specials, and humbly go fuck yourself. Dude, just say I'm not doing that. Just say I'm not doing that. And then they go, well, you're not working there.

Just say fine. I don't know what you do after that. I mean, it would be nice if everybody just said, yeah, we're not fucking doing that We're not fucking doing that Yeah, it is just I but this is the ups This is what I'm gonna tell tell all you guys like they have been trying this shit forever There's been a small group of people that since the beginning of time have been trying to control everything and invariably they fail because human beings You know you can only push us so far and then

You just hit a breaking point and there's always a rebellion There's always a point where whatever it is a business a form of government a Tyrant they just get spread too thin or they get too fat and fucking lazy and then they fall. And this will fail also. I don't have this gloom and doom of the future. I feel like a regular person revolution will come at some point if we can just stop yelling at each other about fucking everything.

I literally, somebody sent me a video today on photosynthesis about a bee and the the sonic sound that the flower puts off and the bee hears it goes there takes the nectar out which changes the sonic sound of the flyer flower which lets other bees know not to land there because there's no nectar in there yet. Okay and all the comment section was just and people say there's no God. And atheists and religious freaks just yelling at each other. Can't just sit back, enjoy the video, believe what you believe.

I believe in God. I don't believe in God. And just fucking leave it at that and not leave a comment. Nope, they gotta go in there. Instagram has to have their bots go in and just say shit about God to get atheists going and all of that shit. I almost chimed in. After I read it to you, I was like,

what the fuck am I doing? I was gonna say like, you fucking God people love to bring up when they're talking about bees and flowers. But when they're talking about sociopaths and warmongers and all these fucking assholes that are running corporations and poisoning the food supply and putting shit in Cheerios. You know? And then, oh, that's cause you're listening to the devil.

God made the devil. Why doesn't he just handle that shit? That's his former fucking employee. None of that fucker. There's no, that caring thing that you're fucking talking about. You bring it up when we talk about the birdies and the bumblebees.

And then when you talk about serial killers and pieces of shit like Joe Biden and Donald Trump, and that's all they listen to the devil. Is that the convenient fucking excuse? You don't hold them accountable for anything? I think God is just like us. I think he's an unbelievably flawed. He's just more talented. All right, seeing I took the bait. All right, I got all upset. Dead body positive fatsoes. Oh my God, we're going to go down this dead. All right.

Hey, Billy, have you seen any videos of that show news articles about the, all right, I'll click, well, I'm on the, I'm on airplane mode, so I can't click on, I did see the body positive people who then died. Where a girl, not fat, gives updates on where a handful of these hippos ended up. Spoiler alert, all dead by 40. Oh, these are body positive people who are fat. Well, here's one thing, okay, as you're calling them all hippos and fatties like I do, maybe if we didn't do that, they wouldn't have to have this body positive, maybe if we weren't so fucking mean to them, because fat shaming doesn't seem to work. I think it works on a personal level. That's what I do to myself. Bill, you fucking fat freckled cunt. I do it all the time.

Look at this. Look at this as I just grab fucking rolls on my side. It works for me. Spoiler, all are dead by 40. It makes me mad, Bill. Boo-hoo-hoo, because it's one example of how in the last 20 years, mainstream America has abandoned verifiable logic for a hacky, emotional driven bullshit. Yeah, I know. And you're going to, you know, and this is where people like they blame political parties. And it's actually unfair to Democrats and Republicans on this because what it really is, is it's a bunch of uninformed people talking to each other on the internet. Okay? All of this dumb shit that you're reading now that goes national and goes viral, it

used to just stay in the local bar or pub. There was always some fucking guy going on and on when you were at the local watering hole and you listen, hey, he's fucking right, this guy's a hot shit, or you know, you'd be down there rolling your eyes, hey, he's on one again. Those people have like fucking, you know, influence on the internet now. I don't know why. So I don't think it's a political ideology and I don't think it's any sort of they thing, like they're trying to divide us like that.

I think we're doing a pretty good job ourselves. Anyways, this person says, make no mistake, this is a woman's thing. Men are not celebrated on magazine covers or Ted Karpitz if they're fat. It's not considered brave if a man lets himself go. I won't feel bad when the overcorrection comes because the correction is to blame. All right, well, okay, I get what you're saying there, but you should also, we should also take the time

to get upset about things that actually matter. You know what I mean? On a higher level, if you really get down, what are you really mad at? Are you really mad at the depiction of men in that movie Barbie? Like I was for like two days before, I was like, am I really mad about a movie about dolls? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm guilty of that.

Well, it's sad that they're all dead. I think in general, there's just some empathetic people who was just saying maybe you should be nicer to overweight women. I think that that's really the message. And in the process of that, they get completely lost in it. And yeah, they definitely over-correct. But I mean, isn't it enough that they died?

Can't you get satisfaction out of that? I don't think you should still be upset by it. And as much as I'm giving you a lecture, I'm really talking to myself about many things that I get upset about that really have nothing to do with anything. You know, it very rarely is it about what I'm saying. It's really, usually has to do with something that happened 40 fucking years ago, which it about what I'm saying. It really usually has to do with something

that happened 40 fucking years ago, which is unfortunately what I'm discovering. All right, and that's it. I gotta go do a show here in Detroit. I'm gonna fucking stretch. Do my little yoga in my hotel room. Have a salad with balsamic vinaigrette as I slowly cry, dreaming of cheeseburgers I used to eat.

All right, that's the podcast everybody. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on ya on Thursday.