Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-4-24

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

Bill rambles about nasty yoga studios, fasting, and ice-wall logic. Sticker Giant:  Get 25% off your first order with code BURR at checkout at  www.StickerGiant.com/BURR  Stamps.com:  Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale at www.stamp.com click on the microphone and type in BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 4th, 2024. 2024. Let's go down Route 24 and go to the fucking Carlton House. We'll get some fucking coconut teasers I Don't know why that just popped into my head all these years later Maybe because on Saturday I celebrated my 32nd anniversary of doing stand-up comedy And a lot of people will say did it seem like it fly that it flew by did it really seem like it flew by no It seems like I've been doing it for a lifetime. It seems

Things seem like a lifetime ago things from the 2000s seem like a lifetime ago forget about fucking ten years before that so It is crazy I do remember when I started out and looking at people like they like you know Some of the older older legends and just looking at I like they like, you know, some of the older, older legends and just looking at them going, that guy's been doing stand up comedy for 40 years, 30 years. That's fucking crazy. I had no, I had no concept of that. They've been doing stand up longer than I had been alive, but now I do.

And I wish I had something deep to say about it, but I don't. And isn't that why you listen to the podcast? You gotta admit, I make you guys feel a whole lot smarter than you should. You know? Anyway, I am in, oh, Billy. Oh, Billy, Billy Fastface. Billy Fast, the first three days of every month now. And I am, let's see, I started fucking Thursday night at 10.30, it's 10 to 7 on Sunday. Everybody always goes, you know, when you fast, you know, it's not fun at first.

And then there's just like this euphoria that just takes over. It just feel like, oh my God, I felt amazing. And I kind of feel like people do that about anything that they did. They just took an ice bath. You know, at first it's like really icy. But then after like 40 seconds I kind of just you know gave into it. I stopped fighting the universe and after like a minute eight seconds I felt amazing. Well it's like well why can't you just fucking do that with the rest of your life?

Is it just with this dumb shit that I have to hear about? You're fast in your fucking ice bath that you feel amazing about? Why can't you go somewhere, you know, not get whatever the fuck you wanted and just give into that and just, you know, you know, I went to the rental car place. I was supposed to have a full-size car. I got there. All they had was a smart car. I was livid because I had brought my great-dane with me. But you know what?

After like a minute, I just gave into it, I got in the car, my dog's ass was in my face, and I felt amazing. Isn't that what all of this shit's supposed to be for? Aren't you supposed to be doing these spiritual things so during everyday life the little things don't bother you? This is what I've always heard. And I've always failed. I've always failed at the little things.

The little things in life, I will act like there's a nuclear warhead headed towards my fucking house. Little things. Big things, I don't give a fuck. I just go, oh, you know. I mean, what you think was gonna happen, right? I just, I just, I don't give a fuck. It's the little things.

But anyway, as far as the, I will say this, if you're wired like a lunatic like me, German, Irish, Scottish, blood, all of that. I have a lot of like, we'll call them passionate people in my family tree. And I don't get those feelings when I fast, but I will say I did yoga. Oh God, Bill, where's this podcast going?

I swear to God, I did yoga. Not cause I wanted to fucking sweat my underwear is with a bunch of fucking weirdos, right? I don't do yoga with other people. I do it alone in my fucking house. I find a video. I get and I that's it. Yoga studios are fucking nasty. They are nasty. Sweat all. I don't give a... There's not a mop in the fucking world.

After 90 hour, 90 minutes of hot yoga and people sweating all over the pl... Oh, you don't see even the... I can't even believe this is fucking legal. I mean, you can poison the food supply. You can come up with synthetic heroin. You can do shit like that. But there's certain things that they don't let you do. The fact that you can come in there and borrow a mat,

ah! That countless pairs of sweaty feet have fucking stood on. It's just fucking beyond me. It is so nasty. But anyway, I did do yoga and with the fasting, I did feel like, oh yeah, this feels pretty amazing. But then of course, I always have shit to do. So the second the tape was over, you know, I think when you're fast, you're supposed to like fucking, I don't know what, you're supposed to not do anything, but I mean I don't know. I'm just doing it for vanity purposes anyways, I just don't want to be a fat fuck. That's all. I actually ran into this guy, his pilot I knew, I didn't even recognize him. The guy had lost 80 pounds doing that intermittent fasting

with like protein and cut out all the carbs. He looked unbelievable. He looked he had fucking zero percent body fat. That's pretty amazing. You know what I mean? I mean that guy was like, you know, he was fucking, he was definitely ordering the apps and getting a dessert. You know what I mean? You get the apps and then you get the dessert. You just said, I will take and getting a dessert, you know what I mean? You get the apps and then you get the dessert you just said I will take man tit number one and I'll take the set Would you like a dessert? We have our death by chocolate. All right. They're literally telling you you're gonna die Like that there's probably so much sugar in that shit. They had to put death in it just you know corporate lawyers All right, if you're gonna put this on the menu at a fucking Applebee's, we got to make sure. But as this is a continuation of last podcast, to fucking live like that

though, you know, there is something amazing about that. Be funny when you die too, just a tub of shit with a Coke straw up your fucking nose and just whatever right and then you meet God and he's looking at you and you just be like what? I mean I had a good time I have one life. What you want me to do? Fast and do yoga? Alright, I wasn't built that way and you built me. So don't look at me like that dad! Um, I, yeah, I'm sorry, I've been watching that. It's not called Kapote, I don't know what it's called. That was the Philip C. Moore Hoffman.

Uh, the late great, you know, arguably, I mean, if somebody said that's the greatest actor of all time, I would not argue with anybody. I'm watching the new one about him, and as entertaining as it is, I am just like living vicariously through these people, just fucking smoking and taking a pill and just fucking boozing it up. It's kind of weird. This morning, for some reason, the lovely Nia asked me, she said,

hey, you know, back when you drank, she goes, I can't even remember, it's been so long. Was there ever a time, was there a drink that was your drink? I go, what do you mean? She goes, you mean like an old fashioned or something like that. And I was like, I thought about it. I was like, no, I don't think so. I just, I was a beer guy and then I got a beer belly.

And then for vanity purposes, I switched to hard stuff. And then I didn't want to have any, you know, soda in there, because I'm just, it's even more sugar, so then I just started drinking it straight, then it tasted like ass, and then people like, well, you gotta, you gotta, you know, you gotta do better than what you're drinking, so then I learned about other shit, but I actually thought about it later on today. There was a moment where I was a martini guy and I liked the vermouth. Very little with the olives. People have like a dirty martini.

I liked, this is gonna be a lot about food and drink because I'm fucking starving. This Gwyneth Paltrow fucking bone broth shit just ain't making it for me. I uh... Oh man. Heavy on the vermouth so you get the bite. You know?

You gotta... I always liked uh... Whatever I drank, I liked it to have a little bit of a fucking punch. I mean, nothing disgusting. You know what I mean? I'm not talking about like contorting your face, I liked it to have a little bit of a fucking punch. I mean, nothing disgusting. You know what I mean? I'm not talking about contorting your face, but I liked a little bite to it. It's why I like Coke over Pepsi.

People are like, yeah, I think when you can't, can I get a Coke and they go, is Pepsi all right? No, it's not even close to all right. It's fucking, it's not even close to alright. It's it's fucking It's not even this it's not even the same thing it really isn't coke has a nice fucking bite to it and I feel like Pepsi is them is the mixed drink cola Sort of of a flavor thing God. I haven't fucking drank that shit forever Just soda Flavor thing God I haven't fucking drank that shit in forever just soda

Unreal I mean I just can't stop thinking of food. Do you know right now what I would fucking do right now? for bacon eggs and a coffee oh God I was making my son I Was cooking like all day today bacon and, getting ready for the week with the kids. I made banana and up bread a few weeks ago and now I just, I don't know why. What the hell was that? I don't know. I know what I was doing. I was looking up, help with my French studies, right?

So I'm coming along by the way. I know you guys think I'm not, but I know, I can answer, like I was thinking the other day some of the shit that I can say. I don't know how to say political, the presidential, what would you call it, not election, the presidential race. It would be, Is that you or are you Are you looking at or seeing the whatever The presidential race? And I already have my answer No

That's French, no No Because the politicians are all divided But I'm in charge because I'm happy Because I'm with you. I'm going to get that shit down. So I check out the weather, the weather every day. I do that.

And then when I watch recipes for French shit, I I just look up You know Como to fare, you know the question or whatever Croque, monsieur or whatever the fuck I'm looking up. So the other day I looked up how to make this in the middle of the fast I'm literally watching how people make questions and a panel shockou chocolat. And I gotta tell you something,

that's something I'm never gonna do in my life. I'll have to take a class, which I would love to do. I would love to take a French pastry class. I was watching the same course, I could only understand one out of every fucking 10 words. Like I was watching the same course, I could only understand one, one out of every fucking 10 words. But the level that you have to roll out the dough and then let it rest and then fucking stick it in the refrigerator and fold it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I can't even believe people make them. It's like, how do you make those things quick enough to sell them and turn a profit before you go homeless? The the panel's shock a lot was fucking ridiculous I know this is fucking bizarre. I've been on for ten minutes. All I'm doing is talking about food. I have another three and a half hours Fuck the appreciation that you have for food when you fast is fucking awesome. I sat for 10 minutes today and thought about how great it was that somebody came up with a breakfast burrito. You know, and I was just thinking, what a good shit. And not only did

the person come up with it, they shared it with the rest of us. How great is that? Like if somebody didn't do that, I never would have thought to do that. I'm a hack fucking chef and baker. I just look at other people's recipes. There's a few things that I do. I'll just use your little here or there, but I you know I pretty much whatever you say to do I just fucking I'm a cover band. That's basically you know if I was

The musician form of what kind of cook I am. I'm a cover band. I just basically Play the solo the way they played it or whatever by the way My son is an absolute AC DC freak He was looking at the highway to hell album he's going who's that I go Angus who's yet Malcolm who's that Phil Who's that Cliff? Who's that Bond and we went around a whole bunch of times and then we were watching The AC DC the let There Be Rock live concert from Paris.

And he's jumping all around the room. I didn't know what he's doing. Then after a while, I realized, oh my god, he's imitating Angus. He's trying to do the Chuck Berry duck walk. And then he was also jumping off the couch before he did it. And if you watch that, this stupid fucking thermostat, if you watch that concert, you know they start off with Live Wire and Angus is up there doing like his little dance and bam and he fucking jumps down so he was like jumping down acting like he was in the

band and like now when he hears a guitar solo, he goes, oh, Angus, Angus. And he wants to know like all the names and everything. It's just like my kids are so ridiculously cool. Like for some reason, my daughter learned all the car logos and she started, that's a Toyota, that's a Lexus, that's a Ford, that's a Porsche or whatever. And I realized, you know, all these years, you know,

cars all started looking the same these fucking corporate cunts What did they do? They got rid of all the colors very subtly For like the last I don't know how many years. It's like 99% of cars are black white gray What else they have really just fucking depressing colors occasional silver Or a blue maybe a red or whatever, but like I thought Toyota trucks were really killing it with that desert sand was fucking gorgeous. They had a green, the Mini Cooper has gray colors, the Fiat

has fucking killer colors. These fucking assholes trying to figure out how to sell cars. Why don't you take a little money out of your end and just come up with some fucking cool colors. Something to set you apart from this other shit. I'll tell you this too, driving around all of a sudden looking at the logo, you know, the logos. Because I never knew, like whenever Toyota came up with their fucking whatever the hell that is, I don't know what that is. Right. That's the kind of shit you cut in a field and some fucking, you know, aluminum foil

hat guy thinks the aliens landed, right? Since I've been like looking at that stuff, I will tell you this. Toyota is killing it. At least in Los Angeles, there's more goddamn Toyotas than anything. And I'll tell you what quietly is going away is Chrysler. I don't even know if they even make a car anymore. They have like, they got rid of the 300, they phased everything out. They're basically down to Dodge.

I think they just stopped, this is the last year of the Challenger, they got Dodge trucks, which I've always loved since they redid the front end. They made it look more like an old school truck. I do love a Dodge Ram truck. I'll tell you the best fucking one though, was that Hemi one from the 2000s, the short bed. Oh, that thing in fucking blue, go fuck yourself. If I didn't have kids, forget about it.

I would get that in a second. All right, that was good. I just did like three minutes on something else other than food. What else? You know, I'm actually getting excited for the NFL draft. For years I've made fun of it and everything, but I'm actually excited because the Patriots

pick really early. I saw it scroll by three, four, I don't know what. And we have a new coach and like back in the day, if somehow the Patriots got a number three draft pick, you know, or whatever, we usually be like in the teens or in the twenties, you always knew that Bill Belichick was going to trade that away and he was going to draft in second round or later. And, you know, and I'd say he got away with that. I mean, whatever he did, he did it amazingly. It really is fucking fascinating how like human beings are aware they just, it really is about like all the latest

thing that you did because just seeing that whole scenario how in the beginning when Tom Brady won three Super Bowls like his first five years of playing and everybody said, oh, it's Bill Belichick. It's all Belichick. He's a system quarterback for Dorida. Peyton Manning's better and all that shit. And then by the end of his career, it was like, Bill Belichick doesn't know what he's doing.

It's all Tom Brady. It's just like, all right, what? Well, I don't understand what you do, but anyway, we are gonna pick early. So I'm hoping we get a fucking, we need an offensive line. If you're gonna do anything in the NFL, you need a fucking offensive line,

especially now with the amount that they throw. You know, I just remember those Dallas Cowboy teams in the fucking early 90s, and they were the first team just straight across the board, right across the line, they had all 300 pounds or more, and they used to just beat this shit out of you, and they would wear you down, just kept feeding them at the ball.

It was fucking, it was an amazing thing to watch. So maybe they'll do that. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. I did watch a little bit of sports this weekend. I watched some, what did I watch? I watched the Bruins Crackin' game. I missed when they were in Vegas. I heard they're still giving away the puck late in the game, but I think they're going

to fix that, hopefully. Celtics absolutely fucking destroyed the Golden State Warriors today. Jesus Christ. They had a great game a few nights ago. Who the hell were they playing? I've been trying to pay attention more because we're getting close to the end of the season and the playoffs and stuff. And then I watched as much as I could of the second half NC State UNC.

Now a lot of people don't know this. I went to North Carolina State for about four classes over two semesters. I didn't have any fucking money, so I was paying my own way. And yeah, it's a long story, but it didn't work out. But I was always a Carolina fan before that. And then when I went to NC State, I was still sitting there going like, thinking like, I actually like Carolina, but I'm not smart enough to get in there. I'm not

actually not smart enough to get in the North Carolina State. So I gotta take a couple of classes to prove that it can work at the college level. That's how bad I did in high school. And I fucking, I went to their first football game of the year or something and they were playing fucking North Carolina like 1987 or at some point in that season,

I went to the Carolina NC State game and there was this wiry little redneck motherfucker going fuck state, fuck state. Little redheaded motherfucker with a beard and shit. And he was such a fucking, I mean, he couldn't have weighed more than 115 pounds. And I just remember sitting there, now he's probably like 130.

And I was sitting there like, this isn't my state, this really isn't my school I'm new here. But I was just remember sitting there now he's public 130 and I was sitting there like this isn't my state This really isn't my school. I'm new here, but I was just remember thinking coming down from Massachusetts like why isn't anybody beating the fuck out of him? And he was like beyond obnoxious and I remember the guy in front of me stood up looked at him and he fucking sort of postured at him and nothing happened and I and he fucking sort of postured at him and nothing happened. And I don't know, after that I was like, fuck that school. And then baby blue that they have, whatever the Carolina blue that they have. So I always like, oh, I've talked about this before.

It fucking kills me. I went to school there and it was like Jim Valvano was coaching coach K was not even coach K yet. He had yet to win a championship and Dean Smith was coming to the end. They had just built the Dean dome. It was the first year of 87 88 or whatever. And, um, I didn't go to one fucking basketball game. What a fucking idiot. But at least I went and I saw Duke Carolina a few years ago. And coach Kay was still there. I'll never forget that. But I could have saw Jimmy V and I could have saw Dean Smith. Blew that I did see Bobby Knight though when he was at Indiana. So I did see a couple of them, but it's all like all of that shit. Another big one is like bands, all the people I didn't see, Prince, David Bowie, all of

these people I never saw, Madonna I never saw. All those pop stars and genius musicians and all that shit, never fucking saw any of them. All I saw was metal shows. And I was like, fuck every other kind of music. Any other kind of music sucks. It's, there's only metal. It's so dumb. But I mean, it is, it is what it is

when it comes to being a fucking teenager. You do get a little extreme, but anyway. So I made some lemon, I made that lemon poppy seed bread today The frosting didn't come together. It was a weird fucking it was like powdered sugar milk and rather than like lemon juice it was like Greek yogurt and there was a little bit of Greek yogurt to keep it moist that the loaf itself and it just Didn't come together. I was whisking it and whisking it and was all watering.

I'm like, I am not putting the old meat, what he just said, and then you put it on the fucking loaf. And I would have ruined it and fucking thrown it out my backyard, right? But I was like, I'm not putting this shit on there till it looks like frosting. It didn't. And then I took my KitchenAid,

I had that fucking thing whipping around. I'm like, I'm gonna give this 10 minutes. And if this doesn't turn into something, I've made frosting before. I make my kids homemade cakes, oh, they're birthdays. Look at me pat myself on the back. That's what I do. I'm fucking all in over here.

It just never came together, so I just fucking threw it out. And I'm gonna try to find something else. Oh, and how I ended up making that was because I was watching, I was like, you know what, I'm gonna try and make some croissants. I mean, I'm not gonna make croissants. I was just fucking starving.

And I was watching fucking people making food like I was watching online porn. And I came across those croissants, I'd be like, oh man, homemade croissants, can you imagine that those would be fucking amazing, right? And then I saw the work involved. I was like, first of all, I gotta listen to this in English cause I can pick up a few things here,

a few things here and there. You know what I am gonna do next time I go to Europe, I'm gonna buy some measuring cups and measuring like all of that shit that's in the metric system cause I'm sick of doing that because I'm forever watching like an Italian guy, like legit speaking Italian with subtitles or a French guy. I kind of gravitate towards their food.

And then I went to Greece earlier this year and now I'm thinking that shit. So I gotta get some metric stuff next time I go over there. It's earlier this year and now I'm thinking that shit. So I gotta get some metric stuff next time I go over there. I also, you know what I like? I like a European whisk. It's like that big dumb fucking thing, like you're cooking for an entire platoon that we have over here.

They got like, it's mostly handle and then you just got the little thing down on the bottom. You know how that shit is, right? You start thinking like maybe that's why their shit tastes better, it's because of their whisk, you know, it's like playing an instrument. You know, you try to find out what gear, whatever drum hero, guitar hero you have plays.

I'm gonna buy the exact same shit that they have and then I'll play like them, no you won't. You're still gonna suck. And you're gonna be down a bunch of money, all right? So stick with your Hondo guitar and your fucking what's it what's a entry level drum kit. I don't want to trash any drum kits. I like drums too much. All right fuck this. Let's let's do a little uh did I do everything that I want to talk about? Oh

birthday parties. Took my son to a birthday party today at this train-themed thing, and all kids were like fucking losing their minds. I love going to those things. The kid birthday parties. You know, now as they get a little bit bigger, they become like friends and stuff, their voices and stuff.

And then just watching that the greatest part of the party is when the cake comes out and all the kids are just staring at it like literally like that you know they they're looking at a fucking whatever the hell was in Fort Knox before the banker cunts took all of it. They're just looking at it like yeah like literally like it's just bars of gold and all their prayers are answered. And then they eat it and they're fucking bouncing off the walls and about 25, 30 minutes later, you know, the first kid cries and then that's like the sign.

Okay, we got to wrap this up. It's about to be a major meltdown here. We got to get the fuck out of here. But anyway, I had a great weekend. I had a daddy daughter day with my daughter on Saturday and then I hung with my son today. So I got that in because next weekend I'm on the road. Oh, I'm going to Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana. That's the town that knew me when. I'm going to Gary Indiana. What the fuck else am I going? I know I'm going to Detroit.

Would make sense. I'm going somewhere around there. It's not Wisconsin. It's not Illinois. I'm playing Missouri late. Oh, Indianapolis. Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Because I'm in Gary, Indiana. So I'm gonna be knocking out some shows next

weekend, so getting in the dad time this weekend, and I actually have a new show. I'm supposed to stand update. I'm supposed to fucking, where the hell is it? It's in Berkeley, California. He says is he Where the fuck is it? Oh No, it was up top. I'm an idiot. All right tickets for the Great Southern Bank Great Southern Bank They own everything great Southern Bank the bankers now in Springfield, Missouri, oh, it's on sale to the public. It wasn't the Berkeley one. Tickets for Great Southern Bank in Springfield, Missouri is on sale to the public. I don't think I've ever done stand up there.

All tour dates are on sale. Ticket links at billburr.com. Oh, wait, somebody's going to help me with my thermostat. billbird.com. Oh wait, somebody's gonna help me with my thermostat. Oh my God, I just, I usually load the advertising first. This week I messed up and I did it the other way around. All right, Sticker Giant. We got a new sponsor here. Welcome everybody, look who it is, it's Sticker Giant.

Thank you to our to our sponsor sticker giant bringing unmatched quality and speed to the world of custom stickers and labels Stickers were a big deal when I was growing up had to have them all over your fridge on your bicycle on anything man stickers It was a big deal. I'd be cool if they came back anything, man, stickers. It was a big deal. That'd be cool if they came back. Have you ever needed to quickly brand your products or make your business stand out

but struggle to find the right solution? Or maybe you've thought about printing custom stickers of your dog or something crazy, your uncle said once. This is custom stickers. This is gonna speak to my generation. I'm gonna take a picture of my wife when she's upset with me. I'm just going to get the sticker. I'm going to put it on my window,

my mirror in the bathroom. Well, now there's a sticker giant. Well, now there's sticker giant. Sorry. Whether it's for your startup business, a special event, or just for fun, their stickers and labels are the perfect fit. With their fast service and commitment to quality, you're not just making stickers or labels, you're telling your story. Did you know that sticker giants based in Colorado isn't just about crafting top quality stickers and labels.

They're also the proud founders of National Sticker Day established in 2016 and that's not all. They celebrated by creating Saul the Sticker Ball, the original Guinness World Record holder for the largest sticker ball. Now weighing in at nearly 400 pounds. Saul is a true testament to Sticker Giant's passion for all things sticky and fun. If you're in a band, you gotta have stickers, free advertising. Every sticker, well now we have to pay for it.

Every sticker has a story, what's yours? Felicitors, you can get 25% off your first order and code with Burr at checkout. Go to StickerGiant.com slash Burr and use the code Burr at Check out to get 25% off your first order that sticker giant dot com Slash Burr code Burr B. You are for 25% off custom stickers and labels do that's the shit. I Want to do that man? I Can make a custom sticker of anything I I'm gonna get a fucking John Bonham

sticker behind the green sparkle Ludwigs. And have that in my music room man. That'll be happy. Stamps.com everybody. After the hype of the new year we all start to settle into our routines. But for the businesses who do a lot of mailing and shipping, you've got to keep moving. Stamps.com streamlines all your mailing and shipping to turbocharge your operational efficiencies. And the Stamps.com app is like a post office in your pocket. So you can stay on top of things even if you're always on the go. Postage rates just increased again. Luckily, Stamps.com is the best always on the go. Postage rates just increased again.

Luckily, Stamps.com is the best discounts in the industry. How about they increased again? I mean, how cheap is it to send an envelope from L.A. to New York? It's still under a dollar. It's incredible. With rates you can't find anywhere else like up to 89% off USPS and UPS prices. Look at that. They're going to give you 89% off and nothing. It's incredible. It's almost free.

Plus, Stamps.com automatically tells you you're cheapest and fastest shipping solution so you don't have to navigate all the different carriers. For 25 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses, whether they're mailing out checks, invoices, legal documents, books, or anything else. Get access to the USPS and UPS mailing services.

You need to run your business right for your computer anytime, any day, day, or night. No traffic, no lines, no waiting. Sign up with promo code BIR for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and enter Burr. Enter Code Burr. B-U-R-R. All right.

With that, let's go to the Reads this weekend. I'm going to warn you guys. We've got some long ass fucking Reads. Not the Reads. The emails from the listeners. All right, the first one. It's going to try to put me at ease here. Thermostat. So the problem with my thermostat is I turn it on to 72 degrees and then it heats up to 72 degrees and then it just, and it fills way hotter than 72 degrees And I feel like the thermostat goes, oh fuck, we screwed up. He wanted 72.

It's up to 76. And then it puts on AC right after. And I can't figure out how to undo that. All right, thermostat. Hey Bill, pretty obvious your thermostat is set to old person. It's the auto setting that means that either the AC or heat will go on to maintain a constant temperature, which you watch your westerns and drink prune juice. Go fuck yourself. All right. Well, how do I shut that off? All right. So it's on the auto setting mode it just says heat. Wait a second. What are the other options? Back. All right. Fan on or off.

Schedule. History. Settings. Anytime I talk to one of these nerds, go into your settings. Let's see, home away assist, eco, safety temp. Dude, I ain't fucking with that. I am not fucking with settings unless

there's a millennial or younger in the room anyway what are you gonna do I'll have somebody fucking fix this shit somebody else can handle this stuff okay this is part of getting old I need help all right well yeah thank you sir thank you for letting me know what the problem is. I appreciate it. Now I need to get somebody to help me solve it. So thank you for that information. All right.

Flat Earth. Oh, yeah. I was talking about these people that think that Earth is flat. And I'm just sitting there thinking like, OK, so what? OK, let's go with the conspiracy theory. The fucking, you know, the deep state, man. They want you to think it's round when it's really flat. All right.

Okay, I'll go with that. What advantage does that give them that I think it's round? Huh? Also, how many fucking idiots have to get into a boat with a bunch of other fucking idiots to go see the ice wall and never get to it? Alright, well that reminded me of something. There was a group of people I wanted to kill today. I can't remember who it was.

Oh. Oh, I know what the fuck I asked. That's too dark. Oh, I brought it up now. All right. This is an idea I had about considerate people leave a will. Empathetic people leave a will. Selfish people don't. It's a way for them to continue living

as everybody argues over their what to do with their shit. You know, I think selfish and narcissistic people do not make, do not get their affairs in order because they can lie to themselves about everything in life a narcissist can but they can't lie about their own mortality so they don't want to deal with it and they just I don't know and it's a way for them to continue living when they have all of this shit and then their their loved ones start fighting over something. I don't know. Maybe there's a bit in there. I have no idea.

All right. Flat Earth. Dear Billy Globehead. Fuck you, man. I have a nice head. I like my head. You were wondering what the point of believing in the flat Earth would be. No. What is the point of making me think the earth is round when it's really flat? What is the, why are they lying about that? This person says, well sir no one really knows but there is billions of money put into space exploration. into space exploration, if we can't go out there, where do you think the money is actually going? You just introduced an entirely different thing. Now you're saying that there's like a canopy over the earth, which I have also heard. There's some sort of canopy over the earth and it's flat or whatever. Anyway, we are destroying the planet at an alarming pace.

The thought of other worlds makes us feel like it's okay. We will just find a new planet. How about the fact that they're now admitting that they don't recycle any of this plastic that you put into the blue bins? And no one's going to be held accountable for that. Once again, once again, you know, but if you hoard hand sanitizer as an individual before a pandemic, they're going to come for you. If you tell the wrong joke, if you tweet the wrong fucking thing as an individual, they are going to come for you. But that shit, yeah, no reason, no reason to be journalists.

Any journalists listening to this, legit journalists, you can tell me where to actually get to read news from journalists that actually, you know, aren't bought and paid for like on CNN and Fox News and all this other crap, all these big newspapers and shit that just tow a company line. I'm all ears, be fun fun Another idea is that we are one small colony Isolated from a much larger world Look up crater earth theory Imagine we live in one crater on the moon and on every other crater. There's a whole other civilization Okay, imagine this imagine the fucking earth is round and there is outer space and you can fucking go out to it and we figured out how to do it With monkeys first imagine that how about you just fucking go with what they did I?

Mean how many fucking people would you have to fucking? Keep that their mouth. It's like the NFL as much as like I it's fucking fixed it's fixed the NFL. As much as like, ah, it's fucking fixed, it's fixed or whatever, it's just like, there's too many fucking people involved. The NBA, I believe, 100%, 100%. You can couple of files, you can get the star out of the fucking game. You can shave points and stuff like that. I think there's been way more fixing of games,

like boxing, fixing of games like boxing that guy Bobby Riggs when he played Billy Jean King he was a big-time gambler there's this this talks that he bet on Billy Jean King and through the fucking matches all kinds of shit you know you gotta have a small amount of people or the umpire or ref has to have a lot of fucking power one or the other I don or ref has to have a lot of fucking power. One or the other. I don't know. But the fight game has always been fixed.

Horse racing. Horse racing is another one. Anyways, let's keep going here. Also do a YouTube search of pilots saying the earth is flat. There's tons of people, there's no way they have their instrument rating. There's just no fucking way. There's no way you got your instrument rating and you fucking think the world is flat. There's tons of people who ask them and the pilots say, yeah, it's flat.

Well there you go. Why would you listen to a scientist when you could listen to a fucking pilot? Do you understand what a pilot is? A pilot is just somebody that learned something that somebody else figured out. Okay? Truly intelligent people are people that figured shit out and then put it in a book in a way that regularly thinking people I guess can understand the information and now take advantage of what they've discovered. So I don't think I would stop at the fucking pilot level. You know what I mean?

Like I can make you a cappuccino and espresso, whatever the fuck you need on my coffee machine. I can't design one. I don't even understand what the fuck is happening. I just know what buttons to push. Okay, I'm getting better at my consistency of my milk, but I can't do any latte art, you know? So, but somebody figured that shit out. Somebody figured out how to pour the fucking, the steamed

milk in there to build a canvas and then how to make fucking designs. Somebody figured out how to do that. That is an incredibly talented, intelligent fucking person. What do I do? I look at YouTube videos to figure out how to do it. So let me tell you something about those pilots that think the fucking world is flat. I would never fly with them. You're going to have nut jobs. You know, no matter what you're involved in, you're going to have people that, you know, I was teasing like gun owners.

You know, they love their guns and everything like that. And I was, I'm not going to do the whole bit, but one of the things I said in the end of the bit, I go, look, be honest, be honest with that. I know you love guns and everything, but let's just fucking be honest here. Every gun owner knows somebody they would not go to the gun range with. Every pilot knows somebody that they wouldn't fly with. Every comedian knows a comic that they wouldn't fly with. Every comedian knows a comic that they don't want to fucking watch. Every doctor knows a doctor they wouldn't go to. Just is.

So those fucking guys, those pilots saying the earth is fucking flat and they're pilots and all of that shit, yeah those are the guys no one wants to fly with. What else do they say? Let's see, Jesus Christ and all the ancient people believed in a flat earth and the globe pops up into our history books as soon as Einstein and all these other fuck whistles start making universities and indoctrinating the masses. Einstein was a fuck whistle. All right. And what are you? If that's what he is, that's actually not true. There was people way before that. It wasn't Einstein. There

was people way before that. And when they first started suggesting that the earth was round, they would get killed for doing it by the church. At first, we used to listen to the church. The church was science. And there was the people in the back going like, I don't think this makes any fucking sense. And during the week, they were doing experiments and they were routinely proving that what the fuck these people were suggesting was not true. Yeah, there was all kinds of stuff before Einstein. Like someone was trying to tell me, you know, with this being a leap year was saying the Aztecs figured out you needed to add another day once every four years with the earth traveling around the sun to make it all even out because it takes 365 in the quarter day or third days,

you know, a year to fucking go around and how the fuck they figured that out looking up at the sky and all of that is unbelievable that they were able to, that is intelligence. That's some guy that got a pilot's license on. Look at it, it's fucking flat. You keep going, it's just fucking flat. Anyway, this guy goes, I don't know. That's the smartest thing you've said in this, sir, or ma'am. Honestly, I don't know what I believe in anymore,

but the moon looks a hell of a lot closer than they tell us. Stay sane, SAIN, and go ditto yourself. I love that. That's another one that people do. You know, I don't even know what I believe anymore. I don't even know what I believe anymore. That's like when there's just as much evidence to disprove and then it starts mounting that the way you think is wrong, that's the tap up from the other side. No, it's actually what you're saying has been proven the exact opposite.

Well, I don't even know what to believe anymore. You know, I mean, it's just as much information as that's out there. I can present the exact opposite thing. It's like, yeah, on the internet you can, because you don't need any sort of credentials to upload anything. And there's no libel or slander. You can fucking say anything. So that's why I stick with the science.

In the world of science, you have to fucking prove it. I'm not saying that there aren't corporations paying money to prove certain things or whatever. Yada, yada, yada, all that shit. But like, you know, nobody's in the business of fucking, you know, you're selling more widgets because everyone thinks the world's round and we have to keep this a secret that it's actually a flat cereal bowl living in a fucking crater on the surface of another fucking moon. The moon looks a hell of a lot closer than they tell us. How fucking funny is that?

And how big is the moon? I don't even, we don't, we, this is the age of, you know, people in bars, you know, finally having a voice to weigh in on things that they know nothing about myself included I think I literally just described my podcast All right moving on here. Here we go. What do we got now the 1977 NBA finals bill love the podcast you asked for old footage of the NBA of NBA finals

There's a lot of vintage sports on archive.org All right, for example Rockets in 76ers game five What I? Can't click on that because I'm in airplane mode. I'm gonna check that out. It's archive.org arcive.org Check that out everybody. All right.

Black thought conspiracy. Hey Bill, longtime listener from Boston, Joe. My family's been living here for a long time and I really love the city. For context, I'm black and live in an area that used to be a little rougher but is now doing better for itself. I've seen a lot of the people I grew up with

move out and come back with degrees and great jobs. This started in the mid 90s. That's great and gradually peaked in 2018 all things considered. Since COVID, things have been regressing. God damn it. Community businesses have shut down, education took a hit and homelessness is up after a long stretch of being down So let me preface that I am community first That's how everybody should be should be working on your community and not looking at these goddamn politicians At the federal level because they're all fucking bought and paid for So on to sparrier

It takes a lot to build a healthy community. Community centers, sports neighbors, sports neighbors caring about each other, it all matters. It does. And now to my point, you may have seen on the news that the city is using community centers and hotels to house people who have just arrived in this country who do not have citizenship which by the law I am to obey which by the law I am to obey considers them illegal. The community centers and parks which took years to lobby for funding for staff renovations and upkeep and money for salaries have been taken away from our children.

Yeah, in your neighborhood, I wonder if they're doing that in a white neighborhood. Not to get all liberal on you. They haven't talked about handing out money here, but in New York City, they had the idea of giving 10 grand to every newly arrived person. No questions asked. This angers anyone who wanted reparations in the community, including people in my family, who have already voiced disdain for what is going on.

I'm going to skip all the moral questions. Of course, I want everyone to be housed and fed and cared for. But with this, I ask you to please consider the international messaging these policies are pushing. I'm not a superstitious man like the great veto Corleone said, but I can't ignore it. Because all I hear is we don't care about you, we already have your vote. Yes. It says, Bill, you see what I'm saying?

There's never money. It just says there's never money us. Is it supposed to be there's never money for us? Always for anything and everything else. Yes. Yes. And they do that to all people. It's all fucking Delta Airlines. It's boarding the plane at Delta Airlines.

Everybody has some sort of fucking status. And as long as you're ahead of somebody else, you don't feel like you're getting fucked. But they're fucking all of us and once you get out of the white world you know there's layers in the white world and then you get into the non-white world and you know black people have been fucked over the worst. So yeah none of this surprises me. And it always seems like right when things start getting fucking good, we go in and we fuck the whole thing up.

I just, and I gotta be honest with you, I just don't understand what the fucking problem white people have with black people is. I just don't fucking get it on any level. For the love of fucking God, you know, read a fucking history book. See what happened after the Civil War when there was no segregation. See the accomplishments. See all the inventions. See all of the great things that were done when you let these people be free. I just don't understand what the fucking, what the fucking problem is for the love of fucking God. It just blows my fucking mind. It's just rich white people, fear-mongering,

stupid white people, into believing that these other people are the fucking problem. That's all that they do. And they just tell them, you know, you wanna make America great again, keep America great. And what America being great is, is you can be a dumb white person and still get a fucking great job because you don't have to compete with other fucking races. That's basically it.

That's basically it. All right. I'm on my fucking iOS, but that is a part of white privilege. Is you can be a dumb mother fucker and still do really well. We're in other races. If you're dumb, you're fucked. really well. We're in other races, if you're dumb, you're fucked. I hate reading about shit like this. Anyway, where am I? Alright, so here's my prediction based on the history I've read. My prediction is the current manufactured tension between ideologies and races has almost been squeezed dry and will be replaced with the tension between people receiving special treatment and lower class people who never got anything. And while we're fighting over the community center, they'll be fucking up the food supply even more.

Thanks for the laugh, Bill. God bless. Yeah, there's always something else they have to do. So these small groups of people in each country can remain in power. It's so dumb and they just have us fucking fighting with each other. I really think like the message people in the public eye

that aren't involved in that bullshit is you gotta tell, we have to fucking come together. We cannot keep doing this libtard conservative fucking, you know, all these fucking assholes that live out here in Hollywood that look at all these states, oh, and call them flyover states is so fucking ignorant. Now, I'll tell you something else. That's why these people out here, they don't know what the fuck, they're just guessing. They're just guessing and that's the advantage that a stand-up comedian has. I don't have to fucking guess on what's funny. I don't have to guess

on what plays because I go to all of these, I go everywhere. And by doing your act, you're almost doing a screening of a comedy to see like, you know, what works where, where, where they pulling back, you know, and this joke said, I fucked this, I know this is funny, and then I go to three different states and I'd be like, you know what, I was wrong, it isn't, it's funny to me, it's not funny to them. So I don't know, like we gotta stop doing this shit and I'm telling you right now, the biggest thing you can fucking do for yourself is get off your goddamn phone and stop watching the fucking news and just try to be nice to your neighbor try to help people out and try to help out your community help everyone

not just people that look like you and this week we could actually do something but you know everybody's too busy coming up with new names to define people, especially fucking liberals. Liberals have more goddamn fucking names for people. You just try to be reasonable. You're a centrist. I mean, it's just like, you're a fucking child. Well, that is the podcast, everybody.

I'm on a fast. I'm not fucking thinking clearly here. I am. Maybe I'm not, I don't know. I actually got to go do some stand up and I am two and a half hours away but I'm not gonna fucking break the fast tonight. I have to do it tomorrow morning but when I do, you know what I do? I actually have, I have Greek yogurt with blueberries and walnuts and then I have a small raw avocado and it's fucking delicious and what it does is it makes me not hungry. And but it doesn't make me crave a bunch of shit because I swear to God if I actually

did what I wanted to do which was go to this diner down the street and get two eggs over easy with bacon sourdough toast, and then just have a bottomless cup of fucking cappuccinos coming my way. That's what the fuck I would do. And probably get some pancakes, I would do that. So when you come off a fast, if you're new to it, it is important to have what you're going to eat so you don't spike your sugar and salt again because if you do what was the point of fasting and that's what I enjoy about it is I come out of

it and I'm thinking clearly and I am you know I'm craving like and fruit, healthy stuff. Like, I'm not like, in the throes of hunger, I think I really, you know, I start thinking breakfast burrito and shit, but I also know that it's really bad to do that too fast and then fucking eat something with a ton of salt or sugar in it. It's a shock to your system and not in a good way. So anyway, that's where the hell we're at. All right, this is the Monday morning podcast. Thank you so much for listening.

And I will check in on you on Thursday. Okay, all righty.