Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-24

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

Bill rambles about presenting an award, the passage of time, and more corporate lingo. Helix:  Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR and use code HELIXPARTNER20. SimpliSafe:  Get 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at  www.SIMPLISAFE.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burris time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Fucking April 15 2024. What's going on? How are you? How are you? You're doing good. You like me? You're trying to control your temper right now, which I've been doing really good at, really well at, I don't know how you say it. I can't find my microphone that I usually use so the podcast doesn't sound as good. I was able to handle that. I go out to my fucking garage and I'm like, you know what, I'm going to do my podcast. The Red Sox have the Patriots Day game on. It's one of my favorite fucking games of the year.

I'm going to sit out here in my garage slash office slash place that I can cry in private and I go to put the fucking game on and the signal doesn't work and I just literally lost my shit. It's just like this fucking thing, I swear to God, it's like a government experiment. I pissed off someone in the government with some fucking bit I did about them sucking the dicks of the Illuminati and how they're getting me back. Is it like, you know what, an audit? You know? That seems a little 2013.

I got it. Let's every time he wants to go into his fucking office and have a little solitude and watch a fucking game, the signal doesn't work. Second I put it on. And as a stupid thing that comes up to troubleshoot and you hit okay and it gives you no information whatsoever. Fucking ridiculous man. I love the fucking Patriots day game comes on at like eight in the morning out here. Waking up, you got a fucking ball game on, bacon and eggs and a cup of coffee. Jesus Christ.

What more could you want? World peace. You know, the fucking leaders of the world to stop dropping bombs on people's grandmothers and children It just really fucking blows my mind like the limitations you have as far as like what you can do and say on And on social media, but war is still legal Bunch of shit got canceled, not that. Let's speak truth to power.

Fucking speaking truth to middle acts. This is high up as you went. Anyway, Jesus Christ, well, what are you gonna do? You know what? You're gonna take stock in your life. My fucking life is awesome. Because you guys listen to me and you come out to my shows and you know I get to I

Get to live my dream. So am I really gonna get upset just be why would I get upset just because the 937th fucking time in a row there was a good goddamn game out there and I had a little fucking window and I was thinking I'll be great I'll watch the game or comment on the game people like when I do that when I do The podcast it'll be fucking easy peasy to start my fucking day. Oh man Somebody's tell me about a book That they read where like anger really fascinated me

It's kind of the same thing like addiction like when you're addicted to something like, you know, if you just start viewing the, the I don't want to worry about the itch, the craving. If you just view it as a wave hitting the beach. Wave hits the beach, it goes up the beach, and then it recedes back in. A little while later, another wave da da da, you know. I don't like to think of it like that because if you go to the ocean it never fucking stops.

It's probably a bad analogy, but if you just view it as one wave and then it goes away and you do, you know. I'm trying to like, somebody was recommending this book about anger. That's how fucking you know How nuts I Am and also bothers me that people think I'm still like they think I'm as fucking nuts as My act I would even say my act was I Am that nuts but in spurts.

The rest of the time, I'm just fucking regular. You think I'm walking around like fucking screaming at an umpire all day long, I'm not. But someone was telling me about this book about anger that you kind of view it that way, like you just sort of, okay, I'm feeling angry. I think if I literally said that when I was getting angry, I think it would start to become funny to me.

I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling I'm gonna say things that I'm later gonna have to apologize for, even though in my heart I know I'm right. D- Ha ha ha ha. Oh, they don't tell you about that. You know, when you're a kid and you think about being an adult, then I'm gonna, I'm calling the shots.

I'm gonna have a cool car and I'm gonna do all that. One know, when you're a kid and you think about being an adult, then I'm gonna, I'm calling the shots. I'm gonna have a cool car and I'm gonna do all that. One of the major things you learn as an adult is apologizing even when you're right. Just to keep the fucking peace. It ain't worth it, it ain't worth it, it ain't worth it. It's just how it is, you know. There's certain things, certain things, you know,

you basically stand your ground, You know, there's certain things certain things, you know You basically Stand your ground which I always loved that statement until it meant a white person with a gun Can shoot an un-black person because they're racist, but they felt threatened It's just like Standing Dude the stand your ground law is going to be the fucking dumbest thing in the fucking world and what I don't know Why can't we just openly admit how fucking? stupid and unqualified the average person is including myself

Including myself the fact that you give them that you're gonna give them a fucking firearm They can walk around in public with it and then make the fucking decision to fucking stand their ground or not just just i always just put the analogy of driving okay the amount of fucking people out there that you just see just just in their own fucking world absolutely suck at fucking driving looking at their phone drifting into other lanes not signaling don't even know the rules of the road passing on the right all of this dumbass shit that they're doing and then but you then you give it a gun all right get out there you took the safety course there you go

how about the sort of guns don't kill people, people kill people, guns aren't dumb, people are dumb. I know it's a pointless fucking argument. They're out there. There's no way you're going to get rid of them. They're already invented, so bad people would just have them. So I mean, I get it. But like, don't you think, I'm not saying to take away the guns for all you fucking second second amendment fucking lunatics

I'm not saying that I'm just you have to Please tell me are you living in the same world? I am where you just look at people like the level of common sense out there I mean most of these people shouldn't have a driver's license. They just shouldn't Or you should be required You shouldn't just get a ticket. They should keep making you go back to driver's school as a punishment Not just some sort of payment. You keep going back to driver's school until you fucking get it, right? They don't let him off with the warning. They don't. Let them off with the warning, I don't wanna do the paperwork.

Anyway, shit. Well, I've been watching the Red Sox, man. I fucking love baseball. It's one of the few games, it hasn't changed that much since when I was a kid. So it still seems like the same. They definitely, you know, the shit talking, and the pointing and the dugout and the bat flips and all of that dumb shit that everybody does, you know, not when they strike out and

when they pop out, you know, but when they get a hit one out of, you know, two out of 10 times, three out of 10 times, you know, you should be dancing. Yeah. Right. You know, you should be dancing. Yeah, right Like the angels like when you hit a home run they put like this fucking like halo on your head I Mean it literally looked like a kid's birthday party, but anyways fucking red socks were Just fucking playing like dogs, man. They lost their first four at Fenway. I missed the first three.

I saw the fourth game where we lost like seven and nothing. The Boo Birds were out and shit, but we won the last two. And right now we're playing the Cleveland Guardians. And I got three TVs in my house and I can't watch it on any of them It was the fucking cables out no well who gives a shit Well, you know what I do. I give a shit. I still wouldn't be fucking talking about it So anyway, I'm still getting used to the Guardians the Guardians and the Nationals

Those are still too new to me. It's still the Indians and the Expos. Still the Expos. So the Nationals and the Guardians are two still new names in my brain and they both wear like red and white. I still call the Colts Baltimore. I will forever call the Raiders Oakland. It's one of those things, unless you just switch, you gotta switch the whole thing. Like the Charlotte Hornets.

Then they became the Bobcats. Then they became the New Orleans Bobcats. Now the New Orleans Pelicans, so it's it's gone You know what I mean? It's a riddle wrapped up in an enigma as you saying that Oliver Stone movie, but like when they got like a fucking You know when they keep the name of the team and they just move How about the Cardinals the st. Louis just move. How about the Cardinals? The St. Louis Cardinals, the Arizona, the Phoenix Cardinals, the Arizona Cardinals.

It's just like, you call them whatever you want. There's still the Chicago Cardinals. Some old guy's saying the Chicago Cardinals. All right, what am I doing here? What in the fuck am I talking about? Old Billy faced a fear last night. I've always said, like, you know, I don't want to do an award show Oh, Billy faced a fear last night. I've always said, like, you know, I don't wanna do an award show,

and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all this type of stuff. And, you know, it's too many fucking rules and all of that stuff. And it was really, I just was afraid to do it. I don't know why. There was something about award shows, just it was a was afraid to do it. I don't know why there was something about award shows just

It was a scary thing to do because it was like all the high-level fucking Hollywood people and celebrities and I Just would weird me out to walk out there and then also I've made fun of half of them So I'd be that's sort of awkward, right? Or some or some project that they fucking did, you know And I was like, I don't want to fucking do that and I was just hiding behind that's for fucking Lame people to do or whatever but the real reason when I thought about it, you know was I was afraid to do it Because I just didn't know how it was going to go and then I also seen like a bunch of great comics Go out and do these fucking things and then they just get it's just a thankless job

It's like no matter how good a job you do people shit all over and then if you do say something that people don't like It's just like there's the the downside versus the upside just never made sense to me so They had the writers guild awards So, they had the Writers Guild Awards last night, and they just streamed on the internet. So that kind of seemed like, all right, I kind of did that at the Grammys. All right, let me give this a shot. I'll do this because I love the writers and I think they're still grossly underpaid and just totally get screwed. And I get no respect whatsoever.

And you know, it's funny, like when they were reading off the awards, and they'd be like, the Stephen Gobert show, and then they would list like fucking 11 writers, Jimmy Kimmel, 11 writers. And like people kind of like, oh my God, like, this guy read like 33 fucking names, right? And it's like, yeah, that's how much work it is

doing a show like that every single night of the week and all these people Just working their asses off To have their name read once a year is like a like a grocery store. So I love the writers So it's like alright, I'm gonna do this was at the Palladium in LA. That's what Richard Pryor did Live on the Sunset Strip, so I always loved going in there So I brought my lovely wife, you know, she got me all fucking ready to go. And, you know, they give you, they call it patter. That's what makes me nervous is that patter.

I've seen so much of it and it's fucking terrible. And people go out there and they sell it and it just isn't funny. And there's just this whole idea of like, I mean, that's what it is, it's patter. It's just gonna be sort of mildly amusing. I think that that's what it was. It's like, I don't wanna go out there

and say something mildly amusing and sort of like bomb. Like why would I wanna do that? But writers guild was cool. They were like, if you don't like what we wrote, you can rewrite it. So I adjusted it a little bit, came up with something when I was there. I watched a little bit of the show I went back I adjusted it again so anyway they go to call me out and I was like legit fucking nervous like um

man I hope I don't mess this up um hope I don't piss him off with what I was opening up with. I said something like, good afternoon. Yeah, the Writers Guild, good afternoon, you underpaid sons of bitches. You grossly underpaid sons of bitches. Now they just, you know, won the strike, but you know. So I wasn't, you know, and people were talking about that and how the union stuck together, so I was nervous if I did that,

that it was gonna put a negative effect on me. I finally just said, just fuck it, just do it. So I went out, I did that, and I tagged a few more things, and I was immediately getting laughs, and I was thinking like, wait a minute, I fucking do this every night. This is just a crowd of people, and I'm not looking at anybody's face I'm looking over their heads not only is this

actually not as hard as I thought it's actually fun so ended up having a great time and I basically did what I said I was gonna do and then I improved a few things and that went well and it was just one of those things like huh well there you go Bill all of that fucking hemming and hawing coming up with all these excuses and you know I'm over here keeping it real doing stand-up in a fucking dark room in the attic of the comedy store I'm not one of them fucking game show host and fucking award shows guys turns out I am a Big old Hollywood phony I went out I presented on an award show and I had a fucking great time

Everybody there was cool. I got to run into some old friends Pat and Oswald people haven't seen in a while I had a great fucking time And I was out there with my lovely wife You know, it's great she took video of it and I could hear her laughing when uh She showed me the video. I heard her laugh, you know, that's that's a big thing as a comedian If you know you've been with your girlfriend or your wife for a while and they're still laughing at your jokes That means that's like that's a big thing. You're like, all right, that's it that jokes a keeper, you know All right, let me finish this fucking coffee and I'll get this podcast going all right, oh

Mm-hmm. Yeah, so last night I was uh, oh Yeah, so last night I was uh, oh man, speaking of which, we had the best fucking time at the writers thing and then I ended up pissing off the lovely Nia at the end of the night. Because I wind my kids up like, I'm a good like morning afternoon parent, I'm not a good nighttime parent. I'm not a good nighttime parent because I just keep going and The kids keep going and they they fucking ramp me up and then I ramp them up and then we're just like it's like we're fucking It's like kid cocaine My wife keeps telling to build build, you know, this is where we bring the energy down This is where we bring the energy down. This is where we bring the energy down.

We're trying to make him go to sleep, the da da da da da. And then like, I don't know, like, you know, it's really my son, he amps me up. Because he, that's funny, I was reading about, they get these little bursts of like testosterone. They don't know what to do with them. So he just like will grab you by your shirt and just go, like makes this noise.

He presses his nose as hard as he can against your nose. And I'm just like, fucking let's do this. You know, he gets me like, he's doing like, he's like fucking punching my shoulder pads before a football game. So anything, everything was going great. Nia always puts on like, like this,

that show about earth and space and time. And I'm not going to lie to you, I was like really enjoying it. Morgan Freeman is like narrating it so automatically you know it's legit. And he was talking about this sense of time. They started with chimps and this chimpanzee that was fucking pregnant and somehow they had a picture of the fucking chimp insider's stomach Like it went to the old OGB YN. I Always get I know I always lose confidence as I say that OGB YN is like you I'm know I'm flipping something around That's like that WD-40 I always say DW like the drum

workshop anyway and he was talking about the concept of time how the concept of time exists only on the planet earth and when you get outside of earth our sense of the second you get outside that and you're in space our sense of time doesn't mean anything and I was like what the fuck does that mean man you're freaking me out Morgan right and he started talking about all of these other planets and how long their day is and how long it takes for them, the planets to rotate. So on one planet, a day is only 17 hours.

On another planet, like, I don't know, I would spin like way faster or something. I don't even know. But then I'm thinking, yeah, but you still as a human being, whether I'm on Mars, Saturn, or the Earth, I'm still gonna live the same amount of Earth years. So that does stay the same. It's not like if I wanted to slow down time and if these other planets were livable I could go to another planet and live longer. If I started going by their fucking days and all of that shit I'd either be way older or way younger as far as the way we keep time on earth but I would still die in the same amount of earth years. Jesus Christ I'm getting a fucking headache so I'm watching that shit and after a while it's like hey man I didn't come down

here in the living room to think this fucking hard so I started watching you know some on this little sneak thing I started watching some Instagram videos and we found that this compilation of videos Well, I said we I'm trying to implicate my kids to I found this compilation video of people doing dumb shit and golf carts and fucking tipping them over and flying out the side and Me my daughter my son started watching it. And my daughter started laughing, I was laughing, and then my son, my son's got the funniest laugh. When he first laughs, his first laugh, he just goes, he goes, ah ha! He does that like... He laughs like an old man, right? And then he has the other one where he goes,

You got like a higher pitched one? Like when I was watching Kojak with him and that fat guy was running down the alley and he laughed at the fat guy running I was just like, oh my god You laugh at the same shit I do so he starts cracking up going dad that play that again play it again So we kept watching it. I you know, you know just get into your phone. I couldn't hear Couldn't hear my wife's voice. She's going Bill Bill stop it. You forget again. We next thing. No, we're just screaming laughing and I you know, I undid all of her work. She got everybody calm and relaxed and I took out an Instagram and I fucked the whole thing up.

And she was so mad at me that she just got up and just stormed out of the living room. And I was like, well, there you go, Bill. Not only did you just piss off your lovely wife, now you're putting both of the kids to bed. And then I was just like, oh, that's my angle. That's how I'm going to get back on our good side is I'm going to act like her being mad at me.

She had no justification. And what she was, she actually just pretended to be mad. So I'd have to do all the work. I mean, my daughter can put herself to bed, but, um, So that's what I ended up doing and She was going no. No, this is what happened. I'm really mad at you I just kept acting like an idiot like no, that's not what I like it It was a nice move was a nice move pretending to be mad. I I now have that in my playbook I'm gonna do that tomorrow and

She pretended to be mad by just I kept getting in her space You know when you do that shit and eventually they just start laughing, so it all ended up working out. But I will tell you this man, there's two things that I watched this week that just fucking freaked me out. One was that Morgan Freeman thing when he was talking about the sense of time. And they kept going back to the chimps and saying how the chimps obviously don't have watches but where the Sun is in the sky is how they basically live their lives and how it takes a newborn baby like three months to get acclimated to the Sun rising and setting and all of that type of stuff. It was really, really fascinating. And then on the other side,

a buddy of mine told me to watch that show on Hulu. Which by the way, Hulu has some fucking amazing goddamn shows. I streamed the first episode of Shogun. And let me tell you something man. That should have came with a fucking warning. Did I already talk about this on Thursday?

I don't give a fuck if I did. I'm just giving people the heads up. If you're into watching human beings do unspeakably horrible fucking things to each other. This is the series for you because I tapped out after the pilot. I Was just like alright block your ears because there's a spoiler alert here. They fucking They boil a guy alive Now there's a way to do that you throw him in there and he screams and then in the scream you fade to something else. But the people on this show are like, oh no, we're going to take you through this whole

process. They throw them in the thing. They it isn't like hot yet because they wanted him to feel the whole fucking thing and he's screaming Please don't do this. Don't do this and they just walk away and Then they have like like I felt like nine the next nine scenes. You can hear this guy screaming in pain And I'm just fucking sitting there by myself watching this shit. You know, Nia was out, she was home yet.

It's like 10 o'clock at night. Kids are at bed and I am just watching this shit going, is that fucking guy gonna die yet? Is he gonna fucking die? Oh, I did talk about this on Thursday. I apologize. But it's still it's been sitting with me since I watched it. Like I didn't even make it through the whole thing somewhere.

Also when there's some guy fucking, you know, disrespected his boss by sticking up for him. And his boss told him to fucking stand down, and then he felt ashamed of himself that he embarrassed his boss because he was ready to go fucking kill this other guy who had ten other guys with him. I mean, he would have gave up his fucking life for him, but that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough that he was gonna do that.

He interrupted, he spoke when he shouldn't have, so he feels bad. So in a way to make up for what he did, he said he was gonna kill his own baby, his son, and not have any more kids and make sure his name died off because he fucked up. Okay? There's a level of dedication you don't see every fucking day in the workplace and the boss should have been like, you know What I really appreciate that. Don't worry about it You don't have to kill your baby son But the boss was just like yeah, okay cool

That's that's the right move here Next time, you know Wait to speak when you're spoken to all right, or else you're gonna lose another baby See it work on Monday. I was just say alright, you know what I I'm fucked up enough, but I will tell you this it's an amazing goddamn series if you're into that shit If you really want to see the the the I just kept you know what it was the last few days I think what was the purpose of doing that I? Could see if like

You want to show that you're fucking ruthless, and you don't want anybody to invade your country So then you boil the guy alive, and then you'd have to send him back on a ship to the country He's from and be like listen. This is what's gonna fucking happen to you guys if you come to our island all right so why don't you fucking pasty cunts you know stay the fuck away from us right they didn't nobody knew the only people I guess the only people I knew were the other people in the hole listening to that guy screaming to death thinking like this is what I have coming. Just I don't know. I just why did I why did I why did I watch that? Because a friend of mine told me to watch that. You should watch this and

then you gotta be looking at them like this is what you watch? This is like entertaining to you. Okay, that's one way to do it. Yeah, I got some shows coming up everybody. Arizona Financial Theater at the end of the month, April 28th in Phoenix, Arizona, the fourth and final show added first of all shout out to everybody in Arizona in the greater Arizona area for evidently buying tickets to all three of my shows already thank you very much all right next May 3rd there's a few tickets left for the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles, California That's gonna be an amazing an amazing experience then May 16th The Schottenstein Center in Columbus, Ohio May 17th, I'm at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville, Tennessee. May 18th, I'm

at Lawrence Joel Veterans Memorial Coliseum, Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Then June 6th, I got the Belko Theater in Denver, Colorado. In June 8th, I have the Greek Theatre in Berkeley, California. These are some fun ass places. I don't know that I've been to quite a few of those. Also speaking at Denver, congratulations to the University of three o'clock in the afternoon out here on the west coast i caught i didn't see bu lose to denver i saw bc beat michigan and go into the final and uh i don't know who the mvp of the game was but they should have given it to that kid davis the goalie for, um, Fucking University of Denver, man. They just, that kid was just standing on his fucking head.

We had a wide open net. He was all the way to the like left side. From behind the net, the left side. Puck, great pass over to this kid on the right wide open fucking net Flicks his wrist shoots the puck at the wide open net and this Davis kid just like he just throws his arm out and it Hit him in the wrist. I mean, it's not even really like a save as much as it is the hockey gods Just going this isn't your fucking night much as it is the hockey gods just going this isn't your fucking night. Um, he just threw his fucking arms out and the fucking puck hit it. And, um, I would have called the timeout right there if I was the BC coach,

because that is a demoralizing fucking save. And that's what you can think is that the hockey gods are against you. And you know, I don't know if it would have made a, I'm not looking at me like it would have made a fucking difference, but like that was just like, that'll just make your fucking head go down and your shoulder slump, like what the fuck do we gotta do? Also hit a post right in the first period, wide open fucking that,

it just wasn't that night. But anyway, I want to say that that at the very least Denver Pat, I had no idea Denver had won this. Like if you asked me who had the most NCAA men's ice hockey division one championships, I would have guessed one of the Dakotas, Minnesota, University of Maine, like the names always hear I knew I had no idea Denver that was their tenth Let's check this out right now. I can't I'm not online Just gonna say we could check out to see who

Who has the most I'm gonna look that up in the end It's just a second I take it off the airport thing then fucking people Text me or something and it interrupts this recording thing. All right, let's do some reads here. All right, Helix everybody, Helix. It's Helix Sleep, tired of being tired, sleep better? Elite Collections, a mattress designed

for big and tall sleepers and even a mattress made just for kids. So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for you and your body? Take the Helix Sleep Quiz and find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. And your personalized mattress is shipped straight to your door free of charge. Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100-night trial.

Get in there, roll around, bang a few people, and a 10- to 15-year warranty to try out your new mattress. Helix mattress. Models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body. You lonely bastard. For essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from Overheating at night and if your spine needs some extra TLC then they got you every helix mattress has a hybrid design combining individually wrapped

Steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top It's the perfect combination for comfort and support. Plus Helix mattresses are American made man and come with a 10 to 15 year warranty depending on the model. Don't wait to take my word for it. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep.

Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr and use the code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long with Helix. Better sleep starts now. starts now. Hmm. All right. Okay. Oh, who's up next? Oh, Simply Safe.

Hi, everybody. Springtime is all about fresh air, fresh starts, and fresh clean homes. Oh, what do they say? You leave your windows open? In comes some stinky fucking thief. And it's the perfect time to give a fresh look at your Simply Safe home security. The only home security system I use and recommend, trusted by Extra, Simply Safe, was awarded Best Home Security System in 2024.

They already wrapped it up in April by U.S. News and World Report and Newsweek awarded it Best Customer Service in Home Security. That's a huge one. It's not like they sell it and then abandon you. They're there for you. The system blankets your whole home in protection. It has sensors. It's tech break-ins, fires, floods, and more. Plus a variety of indoor and outdoor cameras to keep watch over your property day and night. It's backed by 24-7 professional monitoring for less than a dollar a day. So you get fast emergency response and dispatch when you need most simply safe. Professional monitoring agents can even help stop crime in real time by speaking to intruders through the wireless inner indoor camera

Warning them that they're being recorded and police are on the way. Please send me videos. I want to see something to that Hey, put that watch down put it down With no contract and a 60-day money-back guarantee, you can try SimpliSafe risk-free. Don't absolutely love it? Send the system back for a full refund. SimpliSafe has given me and many of my listeners real peace of mind. I want you to have it too. Get 20% off your new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for fast, protecting monitoring.

Just visit simplisafe.com slash burr. That's simplisafe.com slash burr. Simply Safe system when you sign up for fast protecting monitoring just visit simply safe dot com slash bird that's simply safe dot com slash bird there's no safe like simply safe okay and with that just like that people look at us would you look look how far we've come we're into the reads for the week all right alcohol free beer recommendation as some of you may have known Oh, Billy has knocked off the booze now for about five and a half years. I Fucking used to abuse it. I have been drank since November at 2018 I Will tell you I don't fucking miss it

but the I will tell you, I don't fucking miss it. But I will say what has greatly improved since I quit drinking has been alcohol-free beers. They taste almost exactly like the beer. I had one at a Becks last night, and a few nights earlier I had a couple of Guinness. And I was like, there's no way they're gonna... And they still, they just get like, they have like... I don't know what they do. They just have it like infused with the taste, the hoppy taste of the beer. Into just club soda water. I don't know how they do it.

It's weird. You're drinking, you're like, where's the buzz and it doesn't happen All right, dear Billy auto rotations I'm a doctor who owns a bar so you can imagine I'm understandably interested in people having a healthy approach to booze I don't know about that buddy. I think you're you're you're Straddling the fence here where you're also making money off of people not being Healthy was that the guilt? here where you're also making money off of people not being healthy. Was that the guilt? I am understandably interested in people having a healthy approach to booze.

Well that'll hurt your business if they actually drink responsibly. I mean I think if you keep a bar going you gotta have at least two or three DUIs going a year, right? Anyway, I still drink but I take a month off once or twice a year to keep my liver happy. And as someone whose favorite beer is Guinness, I'd like to give Guinness 0.0 a recommendation. I had it, man. It's fucking fantastic. I don't know what happened to non-alcohol beer technology in the last few years, but

it's a world away from Odools that was absolute swill. Yeah, Odools was terrible. It's funny they give it the Irish name, Odools. Oh, don'ts. Sorry. Sure you can't tell it's, sure you could tell it's different if you put them side by side, but if you like Guinness, this is a legitimate option. And at just 75 calories in one of those nitro cans, you don't even need to worry about drinking

one in the lead up to filming a special. I don't have a horse in the race. It's just actually good. I've added the links to my physician profile at my hospital. Well, you put your money where your mouth is. All right, you are a good guy here. As well as a link to my bar. Ah, and then you're back over the other side of this.

Just so you and the great Andrew Thumless know the background claims are legit. Thanks for the laugh. Don't even bother to go fuck yourself. So and so MD. Bill Burr, SU. Stand up or shut up. Yeah I can actually I like that one I like the best one if you like Heineken theirs taste good but the Guinness one's probably the best one.

It's a full bodied fake beer. I know this makes no sense to people that drink and get like a, like what is the point? I don't know. It's like, I don't know what the point is. It's phantom limb syndrome, I guess. All right, nutritionist is full of it. Bill, on the April 9th podcast, you read an email from a something who knows who's stating

fasting for three days. What Bill on April 9th podcast you read an email from a who knows who's stating fasting for three days is not healthy. I so want to agree with you when you leave out that many words what you're making the other person look right. Most Muslims, 1.3 billion, fast for 30 days straight once a year. Akeem Elijah won while fasting beat my Knicks for a championship. Keep doing what you're doing.

Your body will not lie to you. Mind over matter. Love you, man. You the best and thank you. Oh, you're the best and thank you. That was my old man eyes I mean, I don't know what yes, I I don't I'm doing it three days a month. I don't think it's a bad thing I'm in the best shape I've been in in over four years. So I'm gonna keep doing it and ignore What some fucking air quote nutritionist says?

Do whatever the fuck you want from a doctor, dear Bill, with respect to the fasting and band aids, right in our bodies are pretty resilient when fasting your body can burn fat and produce its own fuel glucose, increase the longevity of cells and it's all done naturally. I really appreciate you guys giving me another side of the argument here. I was so fucking like just disheartened by you. Hey, this is what I'm doing. Oh, really? It's not good for there's always that fucking guy. Um, actually, anyway, I'm not sure what labs or nutritionists would need to draw or monitor but I'm pretty confident it would be overkill Unless you have major underlying health problems and are taking medication

There's absolutely nothing to be worried about if it was an issue. You'd probably see a law firm running a commercial looking for plaintiffs Anyway, anyways, you're awesome. Live your life and fast till your heart's content I know I'm another asshole with an opinion and no way to verify my credentials but you can trust me. I'm a doctor go fuck yourself. Oh that's really nice. Look at that. That just it just kind of fucking rang as bullshit.

These are all people writing in about this fucking fasting guy. All right here's another one. Here is another one. I have fast, I fast for 30 days straight. Hey Billy, built-on breath. I don't know what that means. I'll have to look that up Hearing you talk about your recent fasting experience brought back some memories of my own a couple years back I fasted for 30 days straight and thought I'd share some of what that experience was like But the 30 days I took I only took vitamins and electrolytes and drank water zero food of calories Food became all I could think about, just like you said. I watched YouTube cooking tutorials, bought cooking

appliances, even cooked meals from my housemaid just to be near food. On top of that, my sense of smell became incredibly strong and food smelled 300% better than I've ever had before. Jesus Christ. I started at 205 pounds and by day 30 I was 167. That's over one pound per day of lost body mass. I had a body scan done and afterwards and at and of the 38 pounds I lost 22 pounds was fat and 16 pounds was muscle Those are both staggering numbers. I only had to shit three times in a month first was on day one then only And then only every two weeks after that I won't go into more detail And then only every two weeks after that, I won't go into more detail, but one of those times I did shit my pants after drinking too much electrolytes and water on the go. Well you kind of went into detail there.

I am now picturing a watery shit into your fucking, who was that underwear people who used to fucking advertise with me? I can't remember their fucking names. Me undies, me undies, no more sweaty balls. Do do do do, me undies, me undies. You shittin' yourself in a stall. You haven't fuckin' eaten in 30 days. You drink some like a light and a handful of hay comes out your ass and

it stains your taints you're gonna have to buy more me undies and dry off your asshole with some fucking industrial strength paper towels I work an office job so I had enough energy to continue working and living a normal life. However, one day I did run after a train that I was late to catch and ended up almost passing out after only 100 meters of jogging. I think that's meters, 100 M. No food has ever tasted as good as the first taste after 30 days. I had some bone broth soup and some garlic bread. Bad I know but the taste was worth it bone broth wasn't bad you got to go easy when you come back would I recommend it probably not interesting to

test how far you can push your body but not worth it for the weight loss losing so much muscle suck too would you ever try a longer fast, seven days, 14 or maybe more? Cheers for all the laughs. Big love to you. Um, no, I wouldn't. The three days is fine. And I actually found it easy last month. The first day I just drinking lemon water, I don't find myself like craving food at all. It's the next two days with the bone broth

that was a little annoying, but I just found you just have to have it and just constantly sipping it so you never feel weak or really feel hunger. Because if you really start to feel weak and you feel hungry, you got to drink that bone broth and it's fucking gross and then you start You know, it takes a minute for your body to absorb it and for that

Sort of nauseating and I'm like hunger pain to go that weakness to go away and in that time you like fuck man Just want to go get a cheeseburger or something. I I mean, I think that's a mate like I wish you said how tall you were If you were 205 pounds like I'm I don't know like And you did a 30 day to them. It's fucking insane to lose 16 pounds of muscle. I mean you must have been starting to look like I would say say Tom Hanks in Castaway, or whatever that movie was called. Or, you know, he did another 30 days. He would have been like Christian Bale.

I remember reading Christian Bale saying he would never do what he did for the machinist. But I mean, he looked like he was in like a concentration camp. I mean, I was just fucking, he was starving to death. That's just another thing like how the fuck did you just do that to people you see like those fucking videos of the like how could you not feed somebody that looked like that I just don't get

it although I did read a book and the person was saying like there was some of the guards that would like when no one looking, they would hand you a piece of fucking bread. And then there was like, prisoners who would just do whatever the guard said and they became abusive. I wish I could remember the line. It was this great thing they were saying, there really is no, like racism is stupid.

There's good and bad people in every race. That's what he said, I saw Nazi guards that were empathetic and I saw fellow prisoners that were fucking selfish assholes. It's just one of those things that actually takes like, I don't know, that's just something I wish more people had where you could just, I used to do this line in my accent, every race of people has their Einsteins and their idiots.

That really is no And I've never ever even remotely met an even remotely intelligent racist person I just never have they've never been they've never made any good points their worldview is So fucking isolated and small It's just I isolated and small. It's just, I don't know. It's, you know, what do you do with it? People, it's come back, people think the fucking world is flat again.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what we're headed towards, but I blame God for all of it. He needs the, at what point is he gonna recall like a bad car, just recall humans back to the factory and start building them right? All right, stupid corporate phrases.

Oh my God, I love these. I told like 10 people that one, I'm talking about like this real estate guy was saying, and over here we have a corner moment, the dumb shit that they come, we're gonna circle back, get all, you know. I can't even remember half of my, I'm taking a meeting in a minute,

but they just say these fucking things. So this guy was talking about how at his job, you don't say I'm going to the bathroom, you say I'm taking a bio break. I'm hitting the head. I mean, how do you not just to keep your soul? I can't even I'm going to drop a deuce. All right, stupid corporate phrases, please keep these coming.

Hey, Billy Tinseltown, first time, long time. Let me start by saying thanks for all you do. The podcasts and your specials have been consistent, mood boost over the years, thank you. So having been a corporate robot for more years than I care to admit, I'd like to provide some translations of corporate speak you might enjoy. There appears to be a disconnect,

meaning the dumb shit you just said is totally different from what you told me last week. All right, the dumb shit you just said is okay. This appears to be a disconnect, all right. Per my last email. That means, can you fucking read? I've told you this thing three or four times read the fucking email all right just to manage expectations what you

just asked for is obviously impossible or whatever crackhead timeline you want it done by on on whatever crackhead timeline you want it done by. Oh, a lot of passive aggressiveness, I like this. Finally, from my last boss, a Texas guy, that dog won't hunt. Meaning, your idea is stupid, why are you wasting my time with this bullshit? Thanks, and go fuck yourself.

Well, I like that, that's better because it wasn't just like gross things that that was all like a nice way of telling you that you're an idiot. Well, that you're annoying me. All right, here we go. More corporate lingo. Hey there, Bill. Hey there, Wall Street, William. I've been working professionally for the last 25 years in sales

I'm as disgusted with myself as you probably are when you read that Dude sales is a skill It's a skill. I mean it all comes down to what are you selling? You know if it's something that's really hurting a lot of other people I would like to think eventually I understand if you're young, you gotta do what you gotta do, but eventually move on to a product you believe in. Other than that, I have 100% respect salesmen. They're funny as hell.

They tell, they have great street jokes, at least back in the day. And they did well with the ladies, you know? That's what I remember of salesmen. Sales is basically where a lot of white guys end up who had no plan when they went to college, but somewhere along the way someone told them, you know what, you're good with people. Anyway, after a quarter century in this business, I sell products into the commercial construction

industry. That's great. What's wrong with that? I had plenty of ridiculous corporate terms. Here are a few of my favorite peanut butter spread Uh when you spread an idea or price all over the market Jesus Rifle approach

When you take a more targeted approach opposite of the peanut butter spread Oh carpet bomb your bullshit or fucking, you know, go for the kill shot. Let's take that topic offline. That means let's discuss this in private. Action item, a task as the result of a meeting This is an action item Oh God I mean that's just like that's like that save Davis made reaching back against the fucking BC Eagles Just taking the wind out of your sails when somebody says that There's a couple of action items. I want to discuss. Oh my god, please. Please stop talking like that

bandwidth I Action items I want to discuss. Oh my god, please. Please stop talking like that Bandwidth I don't have enough bandwidth right now, but maybe after this project is completed I've used that one I've actually used that one. I'm guilty of that one, but the absolute it's just an easy way of telling somebody I have time for your stupid fucking idea It really it lot of time, you know what it is if it's a dumb idea and you just don't want to say that's a dumb idea, I don't have time for your stupid fucking idea. It really, you know what it is, if it's a dumb idea and you just don't wanna say that's a dumb idea, I don't wanna do it, if you don't have the energy to do it, just say, you know what, I'm really busy,

I just don't have the bandwidth to take on any new projects right now. That's the it's not you, it's me show business breakup. All right, but the absolute worst, the king of them all is think outside the box. The phrase is usually used by some douchebag who then proposes an idea that dozens of other people before him have suggested that is very much inside the box. Yeah.

And you know what those fucking guys do? They just fall up the corporate ladder. That's what they do. All they do is they just suggest shit that that was innovated five to ten years ago and has been proven to work and people just think they're a fucking genius. Hope all is well with you and your family and go love yourself. You know something? I yeah I remember there was this fucking guy. I used to always just end up pitching shows to him and every time I would go in with the fucking show

He'd be like, that's great. I love it. But what if we did this and it was always he would suggest something that was tired that was completely fucking played out and he would like Present it like it was unique or something like that like remember we fucking we were doing some show and he goes what if what if what if what if he did like wraparounds with each segment like Dave Chappelle did on the Chappelle show and I want to be like oh the Chappelle show you mean you mean that show 20 years ago you want us to do what he did 20 years ago and for the last 20 years people have ripped it off you want us that that's your suggestion you fucking jerk off giant desk glass, downtown LA to ocean views.

You just sit there going, this is how this guy keeps his fucking job. Like he was the guy like probably in the 2000s going, that's great, what if we had a werewolf or a vampire? Remember when they just kept doing that? What was the phase after that? That would be great, but what if- Is there a way to make this a Marvel... Like, a prequel story?

Like, how many of those fucking Marvel movies did they make? I get it. People like Marvel, and it must be fucking amazing to have like 20 fucking movies. Just the sheer volume of them. I mean, that's like the encyclopedia Brit sheer volume of them I mean that's like the encyclopedia Britannica of not getting pussy like you know the criterion collection of becoming what do they call those those guys that can't get pussy and then they fucking shoot up a mall. You know, cause their balls are full of jizz. What do they call those people?

Then they act like they're celibate on purpose. Oh my God, what is that? What is that? An empath. It's not a simp. Doesn't it be like, because of the E or something, I don't know. I have no fucking sympathy for those fucking people, okay? If I could walk around with orange fucking hair and still do alright as a single man

every once in a while, I don't want to hear your brown haired, black hair fucking problems. Alright? Find the humor in bombing. Go out there, take a fucking swing. Don't look at the third base coach. Guess fastball like Pete Rose. You can adjust to the off speed shit. Walk up to her, throw your dick on the fucking table

and talk some shit. What the hell were they called? But they, you know, they take their not getting laid, they like give it a term, like it's now by choice, like they're a fucking monk or something. I know the second I fucking hit stop, I'm gonna find out who gives a shit. Who gives a shit? I know you guys don't.

There's no fucking way you're gonna sit there and spend the rest of your drive to work trying to make me remember this fucking word. Not a eunuch. Ah, fuck. I just don't understand. Why don't you just get him some horse? Right there? What is your problem? What is you just infiltrate those chat rooms with fucking prostitutes

that you arrested and you say, okay, rather than going to jail, you're gonna do some community service. You're gonna you're gonna you're gonna give sk gonna give give give it up to these fucking jerks so they don't go out and kill some people whatever their fucking names hey Nia hang on one second hey Nia I got a call. I got a question. Come here. I'm on my podcast. I have a question. Alright, show the kids.

Alright, just two seconds. Alright. I live... Alright, forget it. Forget it. What am I doing? Alright, that's it. That's the podcast.

Wait, no, I'm coming. Okay. What do you call those kids who they can't get any... So then they act like it's a choice and then they shoot up a fucking mall. In cells? In cells, thank you. Fuck. In cells.

Yeah, just fucking send a truckload of whores over there. You know, get them tested and fuck their brains out and then be, yeah, you're good. Can we go to a 7-Eleven now? Excuse me, sir. Don't fall in love with her. She's a whore. What?

God, you can't help your people. I don't know. I don't know what to do with it. All right. That's it. That's the podcast. Thank you for listening. I'll see you in Phoenix, Arizona. That's my next one

It's gonna be insane I'm getting geared up for my special so old Billy's old Billy's he's doing his thing out there. So thank you guys everybody All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday you you you you you you you you