Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-11

Episode Date: April 25, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Orangutans, the story of Easter, and the Canadiens

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Enjoying out the amazing and diverse assortment of Albert Hein And just look for the second episode on www.wedoclimate.be That's the good part about Albert Hein Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 25th, 2011. How the fuck are you? Yeah Well, that's good. I'm in a good mood here. I just did the levels this week Let me know how you guys have

If this is too loud because some truckers some truckers Some truckers wrote me in a man. I'm driving across this fucking country bringing bacon and beard all these fat fucks out here And when my when my when my rig gets a rumbling, I can't hear your podcast. They are come on good, buddy Can you turn it up for me? You got your ears on with that whole fucking phenomenon back in the 70s You guys old enough to remember that shit When having a CB and being a fucking redneck trucker was actually in for half a second And I'm not talking about that ashton kutcher

Horseshit when he walked around with this fucking greasy trucker hat, right? Before he started banging that fucking hot mom up there in Wyoming with their big fake fucking tits I'm not talking about that His trucker hat that actually said Vaughn Dutch on it. Do you guys even know what the fuck that was? I didn't till I moved out to LA and realized that that was the guy who did all the custom pain on the hot rods Isn't that what the fuck it was? I'm talking about before that talking about when when there was shows on TV with guys who hung out with monkeys And it was our Clint Eastwood was making movies with monkeys like that was like those were like the vampire movies

Of the late 70s. He had any which way but loose any which way you can Why the fuck am I doing a trilogy with an orangutan? I think was the last one that he did and they even had a TV show. It's my voice cracks they even had a TV show called BJ and the bear and the bear was Had a hat on Like Paul Bear Bryant who was the old coach of the fucking Alabama Crimson Tide and I didn't get that

You know cuz what what were they saying about him? You know they're calling him a monkey is that racist to call a white man a monkey. Oh Jesus this is the podcast for this week ladies and gentlemen, so this is this is gonna be the levels I adjusted the base. Somebody said the the base was too fucking low Like I have all these buttons on these on these goddamn thing I don't know how to work it so I just realized that there's a high a mid and a low range so gradually Eventually this podcast will become professional. Look at me. I'm pacing around I'm pacing around my old fucking bedroom. That's what I'm doing here on Easter

fucking Easter Sunday Did you guys you guys go to church? Holy, holy, holy Eat this fucking wafer It's the body of a guy who came out of womb that was never fucked Is that what you guys did? Did you give you a little colored eggs? for the fucking weed smokers, man I'm fucking tired. I'm just I'm trying to go on energy this week people. I just that was just you know, I

Was like, you know remember back in the day when you get into a fight with somebody you knew you were gonna lose So you just had that first spastic eight seconds of the fight. We were like Just swinging before you just started punching in the head and you started crying then the girl you had a crush on That's the first person when you looked up. That's the one you always saw The dirt in the side of your face and the fucking pebbles stuck in your skin and you just she just you know You know what killed you is she didn't look away She was walking away, but she was making eye contact and she didn't know what she was thinking because she was so young But it was just her inner

DNA was clicking in already that was just letting her know was just giving her innocent little Stay away from that. You know when she gets older it gets more sophisticated with you cannot breed with that When you're young, it's just sort of he looks icky Anyways The fuck was I talking about I was talking about truckers. Let's let's work our way back here B. J. and McKay B. J. McKay and his best friend bear. Is there any truckers listening to this shit? And that's why you became a trucker You know you flunking math You sucked in English class history didn't interest you and then one day there was a show

They'll let you know that your dream of someday driving a truck with the chimpanzee could come true You like do this what the fuck I'm gonna do Yeah Speaking it did I mentioned this week that I was gonna have a couple of guests on the Monday morning podcast not one guest not two guests But two guests Sorry, it's got to be three right you always got to say not this not this but this Which is a hard thing to do when the numbers too, but I plowed through it

I'm gonna have two guests and I Was thinking of doing it on this podcast and I was like, you know what? Well, why don't I do two podcasts this week? Why don't I over indulge like all the kids running around with their fucking candy? Not really learning the story of Jesus isn't this story? This is the day about the conquering of life over death Right. I read a little bit Everybody was thinking Jesus was dead. They were like I can't believe it He was the number one draft pick dude We was supposed to get the championship, but what does he do? He fucking shits the bed on Friday. Where is he?

Where the fuck is he? Last I heard he was in a cave hiding behind a rock. He's fucking dead. His career is over. It's it We need we need to go to another motivational speaker and then what happens all of a sudden Some nosy prick walked in right He started rolling the rock back probably the original Geraldo Rivera you know with some just fucking Amazing medieval mustache and he came walking in there and Jesus was just laying there, right?

If I can overuse this reference for the 500th time in two weeks laying there like fucking Bert Reynolds with that leaf over his cock Why do I talk about that so much? Do I have a crush on Bert Reynolds? Oh, do you a fucking queer? Sorry and adjust them like that. Um, no, it's just fucking. It's just hilarious to me. I love the 70s I love what you could get away with You know so anyways, so Jesus is laying there, right and his playgirl fucking spread His hippie hair laying down, you know And then let me see if I can remember this from church and then these like there was like at least three guys came walking in

And they were the guys who hung out with them at his last supper, right? Before Judas betrayed him Do you know Jesus nah, dude, I don't know that motherfucker. What do you think he's gonna say you just nailed him to a fucking piece of wood? Give a fuck who it is up on that. I don't know that guy. Yeah, good for you way to go. Jesus. Let's get the fuck out of here I really think I think Judas gets a bad rap Look, I think you should always stick by your friends, but Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you supposed to do in that? It's over You know, do you realize the nerve damage you're gonna get if somebody drives the nails? I have our different things through the hands or through the forearms

You know in between the radius and all the fucking nerve damage you're gonna get at that point, right? That you're not you're not coming back from that. You can't continue being a carpenter. Wait a minute. He's the son of God Why didn't he just just you know hover off that thing and make and just go here and then he was better Why didn't he do that? You know why he didn't do that because then he couldn't guilt shift for your entire life. Look at me. Look what I did Happy Easter everybody So anyways, they fucking so yeah, so the guy dies right he dies and Everybody's like, oh god. What do we do? Then it started raining really bad

And then Steve Carell put a bunch of animals on a boat, right? He saved them No, wait, then those three guys to find them in the cave would have been dead because they weren't on the boat All right, let's back up Let's back up to 12 AS That no, no BS before Steve before Steve Carell beast BSC All right, what the fuck am I three fucking guys walking in the damn cave and then they go?

Are you sleeping are you awake and Jesus now I'm up Yeah, like you're not Jesus. We saw you you died and they go it is me and then and then they didn't believe it was him And then they were in trouble You know, then they were sitting next to Judas at the fucking bench outside the principal's office waiting to go in and see God Why did you say you didn't know my son? You know my son you've been over my house. What is your story Judas? Why did you deny him? Hey, listen man, you know, I I didn't want any trouble the guy was you know, I was coming to get you That's it. You know Judas is basically that fucking guy. Yeah, was it Bobby? It's Saturday night fever. Remember that shit when he drove away and he didn't fight

That's who Judas is Um, is he built? Yeah, I think he is according to my version my new version of of the Old testament is this the old testament of the new the new one whatever so these fucking guys walking and then Basically how they figure out it's Jesus is he takes one of their hands and he puts it in the wound On the side of him and then they go. Oh, yeah, it is you It was weird because I hung out with you and I know what your face looks like But unless I stuck my hand inside your fucking chest cavity

I I wasn't really convinced. Wait a minute. Yeah. Yeah. Feel that liver. Tell me that's not Jesus. That's him It's fucking him So, uh, yeah, that's the history of the Jesus part of it. Dude. It is hot as fuck in this room I'm in my old apartment. I have to have the doors closed Oh, so anyways, yeah, so I decided I was gonna do two podcasts this week I'm gonna do the regular one the regular one where I ramble and I piss off fucking Jesus freaks and talk to truckers Talking to truckers Uh, what are you guys doing your trucks? You got the confederate flags

Diego yeehaw when you change lanes I'm you know, you like you like when when when liberals do shit like that. That's one thing. I've noticed about liberals there as Fucked up to the left as the people all the way on the right, you know, there is intolerant You know, am I preaching? Jesus. It's hot in here. This isn't me. I don't preach Do I? Jesus, um I'm just trying to get my bearings here people The fuck was I talking? Oh, then you got the easter buddy

All right, and according to wikipedia the easter bunny came from germany You know, so all you people out there think germans are the most evil motherfuckers on the planet Just because they started two world wars and tried to wipe an entire group of people off the face of the earth by sticking them in ovens you know Yeah, all right You got them. They're a little evil there, but you know what they got a soft side They got a soft side and his name is peter cottontail, right? Here comes peter cottontail

Up and down the buddy trail hippity hoppity. Fuck you motherfucker, right? One of the few easter songs I ever knew He's got jelly beans for bobby colored eggs for sister sue Um, so anyways, I guess they brought that tradition over here and people have always asked the sign Felde in question. Why do they have eggs come out of a rabbit? because evidently, uh There was a sign of fertility. I guess according to wikipedia basically birds, you know, they lay a bunch of eggs very fertile And uh bunny rabbits when they uh, when they get fucking knocked up

Right when some fucking hair Starts pulling the back of their ears as these fucking jackhammer and in the back of that little rabbit pussy What comes out right like fucking 48 rabbits every goddamn time That's why snakes are so fat They're just they're just not there's There's just plenty of rabbits to feast on right I don't fucking know people like lance at this shit right before I started the podcast so basically

They combine the two of those I don't know why The whole fucking thing is weird and it has to do With life, I guess and jesus coming back from the dead Coming back to life and the eggs the I don't fucking know it makes no goddamn sense to me I mean, you know what it is I think the story Of those guys walking into the cave

And somebody getting nailed to a goddamn cross and then somebody having to stick their hand In the side of a human being like they're reaching into a giant wallet Was just too Creepy Was just too creepy To say to kids so you got to come up with this shit, right, you know, it's pre tv What do you do just give them a basket full of fucking colored eggs and some candy Do you know when I was a kid? I thought those Cadbury eggs were chocolate fucking eggs

Remember that commercial Remember that the fucking rabbit was sitting there I Thought that and I thought they were disgusting and I have a sweet tooth and I never got them because when they broke them open It looked like a fucking egg yolk Inside of it. I was like, there's no way that that's I don't want to chocolate covered egg I don't want to try the double egg. Um, let's get on with the podcast for this week I have a couple announcements. So what I was what I was trying to say

I don't even know if I've said at this point. This is why I never do podcasts when I travel, but I had I had a quick trip Came in from Detroit So Rather than just do the one podcast and have Bobby Bobby Bobby Kelly my old roommate we're going to tell stories about how we used to live together and we almost beat the shit out of each other And that time you threw the racquetball when I had the Conan O'Brien audition And it ricocheted off the wall went into the bathroom and hit me in the mouth and cut my fucking lip right before

I had to go down and showcase for the conan people As he was riding on this bootleg Stairmaster that he fucking took off the sidewalk Because he grew up in a fucking junkyard All right, that's one of the stories we'll be telling and then we're also going to be lucky enough To have the teen idol sensation from the opiate anthony program Joe de rosa everybody. Joe de rosa is also going to be on The monday morning podcast the special edition the limit the shelby

GT 500 edition of this motherfucking podcast um Oh speaking of which uh last week, uh, we added a donation button bunch of people donated. I really appreciate it You know, I'm able to fucking pay my web guy few more fucking dollars And uh, eventually, you know, I'm going to be able to hire somebody to help me with this mixer. So it sounds okay I'm gonna have a whole little fucking radio station. I'm taking this thing to the next level people um, but some of you guys were actually having difficulty finding the uh,

the podcast Donation button if you just go on the mmp.com the official fan page of the monday morning podcast if you just go on there um, if you look under the icons on the right, you'll see the twitter facebook And something else over there those icons, you know right underneath that you'll see donate And there's a big donate button. You just click on that whatever you want to give People have been given like 10 20 bucks. The average has been about 20 bucks. I've had a couple of ridiculous uh donations from people and uh

I tried to write back as many as you can as I could to say thanks I'm going to write back some more today after I do this. I really appreciate you guys kicking in and all the uh Positive feedback I got I really appreciate you guys kicking in for this thing Um, and I'm going to take the money and reinvest into this fucking thing and I realized I got myself a little radio show here I'm kind of excited I'm kind of excited about this and I want to take it to another level um and speaking of another level um

The tribeca film festival has begun And cheat the film that we did um our film cheat as I should say Uh debuted last night and uh, they put us on at the end of eight different films And evidently I wasn't there Joe de Rosa Fresh off his fucking cover shoot of teen beat magazine Uh was there

And once he got done signing autographs for all the kids he went in and evidently According to him. I got a text. He said the film fucking killed and uh I can't even tell you last time I was that excited. I was like really nervous um And I got to give him kudos because I wouldn't have the balls to sit there just the the Unbelievable lack of power That you'd have in that situation like as a comedian. I'm standing. It's live if it's not funny

I can do something about it in the moment even if I'm doing like the podcast I can feel when it's not funny I'll make I can do something but Film is done and you just sit in there and if it's not working you can't stop it You can't improv. You can't feed the crowd. You just sit there. It's done um But evidently he sat there and uh, I guess it fucking killed And uh, we're hoping all the other screens are going to go that way pretty much all the shows are sold out So I want to thank everybody once again. It's a big love fest here. I want to thank everybody

For uh for coming out and supporting the film. I hope you guys enjoy it Those of you get tickets those who who aren't going to be able to see it We will definitely figure out a way to get it out there to you guys Uh, so you will be able to see it and uh, and with that you want to hear something to so much of a media exports fan I am though However Despite the fact that I got off stage Sold out show at the royal oak theater royal oak, michigan

I want to thank everyone who came out for that fucking thing. I get off stage All right, and I am well aware That the bruins and the canadians are in double overtime Now last week if you remember the bruins lost the first two all the montreal fans are walking away From their mp fucking three players right now. Aren't you where you're going? Where you get over here get over here come back sit down Sit down and take it a little bit All right, you motherfuckers

You sent me a lot of your snooty little french canadian fucking emails talking about how boston bruins were done Because we lost the first two at home didn't you didn't look at me? Come on. Jacques up here. I'm up here. I'm up here. Yeah, you sent me a bunch of fucking emails saying that we were finished All right, and what did I say? I said last week ask not no I said last week that we weren't finished And I said that we were going to fucking kill them in game three. We didn't kill them, but we beat them All right for those you aren't hockey fans. We beat them in their fucking building

They could have gone up 3-0 now. It's 2-1. I don't know big deal. Just win game four. They're up 3-1 They got another home game. No way the bruins are going to win again it in their fucking building This is the fucking montreal canadians Right, I saw a video On youtube that was hyping this series and when all they showed was the canadians kicking the shit out of the bruins Even like modern day footage them winning fights everything and the in the in the and the the narrator goes To close it out said pretty much own the bruins forever right

Oh, did that get my blood going? It's like they haven't owned the Bruins since pre 1988 Okay, up to 1987 they fucking owned our asses. We couldn't beat them. But since then they've been a non-factor We've met them 10 times in the playoffs. We've beaten them six times the last time we played them We beat them four games in a fucking row the last two in their building I don't get it They're not in the way of us or anybody else winning a cup. They're not who they used to be they dominated a six team league It's that's it. It's over and then the hangover of the expansion six until everybody got on their fucking feet

And then they added the Edmonton Oilers and the 70s were over. They haven't dominated since All right, enough already with that bullshit. So anyways, all they got to do is win game four What happens to fucking Bruins win it and overtime now? It's two two. We're going back to boston All right last night double overtime fucking game. I'm on stage missing every fucking second of it having the time of my life though Having a great time all these people showed up In fucking Detroit absolutely beautiful fucking town that just needs a coat of paint and it's evidently some windows and they really need to like Detroit looks like a hurricane came and everybody boarded up their fucking windows and they never bothered to take it off

That's what it really looks like. It's sad because they have these beautiful brick houses There's a few cities that I go to and it makes me sad how beautiful they are and they've just been run down Detroit Cleveland Upper Darby when I went there in a Last couple weeks ago did tower theater and Philly. It's just it's just it's awful. It's like You you're looking at like 200 seasons of this old house

You could just have a never-ending of people coming in and fixing up these awesome houses and making them great again but anyways So I get off stage. This is how much of a fucking psycho sports fan. I am I know That the our film is debuting at the Tribeca film festival. It's the first film I've ever done like this where I was involved at this level Okay, and I open I look at my phone and I get a text from joe de rosa right and it says

The the film fucking killed with like 20 exclamation points behind it. So I'm totally Sight now, wouldn't you think That that would be my first phone call to find it at now The first thing I'm doing is I'm looking for texts from fellow Bruins fans And I'm not getting anything that's letting me know what happened. I got a couple of texts saying can you fucking believe this? because it was this unbelievable game and But nothing saying whether they won or lost

And my fucking heart sunk and it reminded me of the time I was working the improv in dc And the fucking patriots were playing the Colts and the afc championship game and we were up like 20 to nothing or something at the half and uh I got a bunch of calls from pats fans gonna paint mannings choking again Can you fucking believe this and when all these pats fans were already calling me and when I got off stage When the show was over 90 fucking minutes later after I sold dvds probably about two hours later I got off and I had no text and no messages and I was like, uh, oh Ha ha ha called up found out the fucking Colts actually came back to win

So I get off stage and all I have is people reacting to the overtime and then I don't get any fucking text So I assumed The worst that the canadiens won And I called up uh somebody I said what happened Eyes fucking squinting called made this call before I found out about the film And what did I find out? What did I find out the fucking Bruins wanted now? We're up three games to two Okay against this team. That's pretty much owned us forever. Give me a fucking break You guys owned us and I fucking owned the fact that you owned us, but you have not owned us since 1988 you have not

Stand the fuck down It's been a whole different era since then enough already. How you know what it is? It's just lazy Sports journalism. You just dusting off that same fucking stupid story Enough already. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Whoever wrote that piece All right, two thumbs down from this Bruins fan. So that's the deal dude It's fucking three to two and now we're going up to Montreal with once again with an opportunity to close out the series In fucking Montreal and not to mention I also twittered. I don't tweet. I twitter. I said a few days ago What did I say? I'm gonna be that guy dude. I called it this week

I fucking said this game the series is going seven and tim thomas is gonna be the difference Cary price is not there yet. I'm telling you we're gonna beat these motherfuckers. You hear me Montreal We're gonna fucking beat you sons of bitches All right, and then what Then what? Then we're gonna be going on 25 years a quarter of a century of you guys not owning us. Are you still gonna dust that fucking story off? It's over It's over you guys are over and this fucking series is over because we're closing it out games

I'm fucking with you. You know, I really think it's gonna happen I think I don't think that the Montreal fans are gonna allow their team to lose this series in their building You know, this is the one thing I gotta give I gotta give a couple of things to the fucking Canadians Aside from having one of the best uniforms in sports despite the fact that when I look at it. I it makes me fucking Rage I gotta admit. It's a great fucking uniform. Number two your fans are fucking ridiculous. They just they're just awesome fans You're obnoxious. You're snooty whatever, but I mean the way that you guys push your team That's why I think you guys are gonna win game six because of that shit

And also, uh, I really hope that suban is gonna be a fucking free agent and we can sign him because I think that guy's the Shit and he's gonna be a star other than that go fuck yourselves Go eat a fucking croissant or whatever Uh and get ready to start golfing people because this series is fucking over I'm fucking with you. I never talk shit like this and I'm not confident that it's over This thing changed on a dime and it can change back again When the fuck am I gonna get a job on one of these sports channels and put on a sport coat and sit there with my little pen Tapping it waiting to chime in as the straight lice guy, you know, you know, they always got the straight lace guy going up in Montreal

The blue blanque rouge or What are you gonna say about that build and I'm the fucking moron who wears like a short-sleeve shirt under a blazer All right, I know what people are saying way too much sports talk. Well, why don't you go fucking read a book then? What do you want me to get back to my my amazing, uh Talks about history. I don't know shit All right, you listen to me hear me itching that fucking beard. All right I have another announcement to make this week. Uh, seattle The uh, antisocial network tour the uh, the brilliant comedian comedic, uh, fucking brainchild whatever whatever. What is that expression?

Whatever the the the The lineup god damn it. I'm trying to hype this. What is the fucking word? Uh, it gives a shit. I'm too stupid Look jim norton came up with this great idea. He said, you know what? I got a show down in atlantic city, new jersey I do it every year. What if I brought down a couple of pals a couple of buddies brought down david tell jim brewer and myself We had a great time people showed up. We had to add shows. We were like, holy shit This could be something so now we're adding cities. Uh, the next city that we are adding is seattle um, I am officially announcing seattle And uh, I'm officially announcing it without the fucking date, of course

I am the fucking worst. I had everything laid out. There it is Here it is. I got it, right? No, I don't Here's a new button I hit There's the fucking easter egg shit. Is this it? Ah, billy's such a dumb fuck. Oh, here we go. All right, uh, seattle should be announced on monday april 25th check I am doing that it goes on sale friday april 29th At www.tickets.com the show is on july 1st at the beautiful the lovely paramount theater

in seattle washington, um You can go to antisocialcomedy.com And uh facebook.com slash antisocial comedy will have direct ticket links and all other show information And uh, I am going to announce it says please make sure you announce this first thing monday Well, I think the monday morning podcast is the first perfect vehicle So there you go people seattle washington july 1st Tickets go on sale next friday april 29th

Go to tickets.com antisocialcomedy.com or facebook.com slash antisocial comedy come on out And check out, uh Three amazing fucking comedians and myself Mopping up not even mopping up i'm coming out of the gate Um anyways Uh, what was I just going to say about seattle? Did I have anything else to hype about that? Oh, I know then we got we got that that same tour if you like that lineup and you live in different parts of the country That's a west west coast date if you want a midwest date

Um, june 15th. We're at the chicago theater in chicago, illinois one of the most underrated cities in this goddamn country and uh If you live on the east coast, uh may 13th We're going to be at constitution hall In washington dc. I can't wait to do that gig because uh fans of uh stand-up comedy I might be a little wrong on a couple of these specials, but I know eddie murphy taped delirious there I believe martin lorns taped a special there and chris rock did I don't know which chris rock one so, uh

I think it's fitting that four white guys are now going to come in Hold hands and do one giant show All right to take that venue back. No, I'm kidding. Um The fuck was that all about I think that was one for the truckers Um, all right, let's plow ahead with the podcast here people enough with the announcements enough with the bullshit um, let's get to uh Ah, jesus christ bill Why don't I have this fucking laid out? Oh, I know last week. I asked you guys

I said, uh, can you guys help me out? You know by giving me a little bit of feedback On last week's podcast to help me, uh, keep the fucking ball in the air here for an hour And here's something last week. We were talking about uh std's Somebody wrote in and was talking about how uh, they met this wonderful lady Okay, then he goes to the zoo and they're not looking at the ostriches They're not looking at the gorillas. They're fucking looking into each other's eyes And they're just totally connecting you like juggling. I like juggling right totally head it off

Then it finds out she finds out the dude finds out she's got herpes What do I do? Wow, that just reminds me that old sesame street song no left turn no right turn. Boom. What do you do? remember that one Every once in a while an old sesame street song pops into my head um And uh, you know what I was thinking the one the other day Do you remember bob so-called white man remember him from the uh from uh sesame street?

Bob was one of the whitest guys ever And they they sang a song. I think it was teaching you about your fucking the shit on your face And everybody's singing. I got I got a nose. I got a mouth. I got I got two ears. I got two eyes They're singing this little diddy I remember susan the black girl on there, right? She sang about the ears right before bob and she totally sasses it up Which made bob sound even whiter? I forget how the whole song went but susan the black chick went first and then bob who made fucking uh john denver looked like a fucking

Like he was in the the goddamn crips So she sings about the ears and then he comes on the song basically I don't think I remember as she goes. I got two ears to help me here and he goes. I've got two eyes And they're both the same size And I remember being like five or six years old Thinking there was something wrong with bob that he shouldn't have sung it that way Can anybody send me a link to that? I've got two eyes

Oh bob what happened? What happened to you, huh? Did you grow up in the 50s? Isolated did you have a bomb shelter? Did you put your fucking white head between your white knees? Out there in the white cul-de-sac is that what happened? Then you found out you had a love of music, but you couldn't sing rock and roll so everybody called you a queer And then what happened you got into sock puppets the next thing you know you meet a guy named jim henson He makes a pass at you he grabs your ass you start you shove your face into his beard you guys are making out Right

Is nobody with the beard safe on this podcast first jesus and now jim henson um You know, it's funny jim henson's bird bird his fucking beard kind of looks like one of los easter egg basket Fucking things Right, you know you guys can go fuck yourself right now. I know it's off the rails. I know this whole thing It's just gone. I just went down an alley that has no exit I'm in here sweating. I shouldn't be sweating while doing this. You know, it's funny. I'm in my old bedroom All right back in the day when I was a single man when I used to bring back the broods

Oh god the nightmares I used to be you know, so you don't really fuck me up was dr. Drew Dr. Drew like if I met dr. Drew I've done his show a couple of times right his loveline thing if I did his show 10 fucking years ago. I swear to god there. There's a good eight or nine girls. I never would have hooked up with Just it's it's fucking unreal. You got to listen to that guy's show I realize the reason why like Probably a third of the women that I fucking hooked up was I was damaged and I was going out hooking up with other damaged people And that was the connection

And then we had this fucking crazy I'm not even gonna get into it You got to listen to his show. He's fucking unreal They sit there and they people call in like the girls. They have those little mousy voices You know those voices that turn guys on those creepy little girl voices today. Yeah You um me and my boyfriend and he just immediately goes what happened to you when you were five And you find out they got molested when they were five and then there was some sort of fucking like I don't know how what you call it. They just stopped growing mentally and they kept talking that way

I it just fucking blows my mind. I remember back in the day when a girl came up talking like that You're like this girl's easy Right Talking like pebbles on the goddamn flintstones What happened in your dick take so is an easy one to fucking knock out of the park I didn't realize it I feel like some sort of fucking pervert Jesus that wasn't funny at all wasn't what was on my chest. I had to get it off. All right

So let's plow ahead. So last week this person was sitting there talking about you know So he met some lady and she had the fucking uh, you know, she's got the blisters On a thing there Right and she of course tells an innocent story of it was one guy and he went down on me and he had a cold sore And that was it That's when somebody has an std. That's always how they tell the story. They never say listen I was an absolute fucking whore And I was fucking everything that moved and I really have no idea when I got it

Where I got it or who I gave it to all I know is I got it and if you want some of it, I got it I got it right fucking here No one says that man or woman. There was just go. I was on my way to bible study and Somebody said would you like a drink? I didn't know what was in it. Oh god, I feel so foolish I feel like you're judging me and you're like no, no, I'm not judging you Right No one was getting banged in a fucking jacuzzi. No one got it that way. Did they right no one went down to uh,

What is that freak nick or what do they call that hate nism? Everybody goes down to that fucking like Haiti and fucks You know before the earthquake. I guess they got to move it now I don't what the fuck i'm talking about Jamaica. Is that where you go? It's just fucking crazy You know, or they go down to brazil. Nobody says like I went to brazil and banged a bunch of whores and I don't even know what I have I got I got south of the border fucking gonorrhea You know, no one says that No one says that there was a mariachi band and I was banging this girl in the dirt outside some fucking bar in tijuana

And that's how I got syphilis. No one says that it's always an innocent fucking story And they always look down and of course because there's shame involved But no one will own up to it. No one just say listen You know, I banged a lot of broads and I went in raw. All right No vest. No fucking rubber No, nothing. I stuck it in there I moved it around I got all up in that disease

And now it's on my dick And I just thought you should know I had my time. I had a good fucking time And uh, now i'm paying for it. All right, you want to help me limp across the fucking finish line of life With my blistered cock. Is that what you want to do if you're up for it? I'm just trying to be upfront What did you order by the way? Did you did you start with a uh, did you get the muscles? Um, no one says that shit Jesus bill, we got it. So last week I was talking about saying, you know what? They had a fucking website for people with std. So they don't got to go through this shit and low and behold they got one

They got a fucking site here people Let me see what we got here Somebody they got dude. They pretty much got a fucking website for everything and I remember there was a guy a few weeks ago His fucking dude over there. He fucking called he called me up. He fucking sent me an email and he was telling me That they uh, 10 most bizarre dating websites. Oh, I know what I was gonna say I can't read and think at the same time. How fucked up is that? Or think about something else. I can't multitask. Um This guy sent me this email and he was saying that uh

Uh, Jesus the fuck was it? What the fuck was my point? See now my brain is looking at this shit. My brain it works in a straight line And just shit gets erased immediately What the fuck did he say? This is unbelievable Is this is this how reagan started? Um, all right, fuck it. I don't know what the fuck he said Oh, I remember what I got it now. He was talking about how uh, He didn't want to do the online dating thing because he thought it was like this host stigma and that type of shit

And he felt like a loser or what kind of guy can't go out and get laid or on his own and go meet a girl Fuck that if I was a young dude and my goddamn prime as opposed to a fucking approaching the end of his middle age Which I gotta be because he mult 42 times 2 is 84, right? You think I'm making 85? I got news for you. I am I'm making 101. I'm gonna see the 70s again Two thousand seventy. I'm checking out Um, I'm calling it right here. That's my prediction. Nostradamus on my own fucking life Did he ever do that with himself that arrogant prick? Dude, Nostradamus is so fucking overrated. It's ridiculous in the future bad shit's gonna happen really

There's gonna be a guy with a beard saying something to a bald guy. Oh my god, dude That's sedum. That's Gorbachev. No, you know what that is. That's like when you get your horoscope read when you say a bunch of vague shit believers believers dumb people Kind of people who sit in a pulpit You know and just listen to another human being tell stories about three-headed fucking dogs You know

Whole things a dog and pony show. Why are those ceilings so high? They're trying to intimidate you. Why are you sitting on a piece of wood, huh? They can't have sofas They don't want you lounging. They don't want you sitting upright all nervous like what what's gonna happen to me Just tell me what I need to do You know then they walk up those stairs made out of marble Right Stand up there when they preach was that so they can see you can see them

No, so you can be a little bit higher and fucking talk down to you As you sit on your fucking wooden bench with no cushion Sit up straight I'm channeling a higher power right now. All right Anyway, so this fucking guy writes me and he said he says it's a statement Dude, they got a website for fucking everything if I was in my prime If I could do it over I would be all over the fucking internet

So they they have a website. Okay. First of all, they have they have a website for people with std's which I think is a great thing You know, let's keep it in-house. No awkward conversation huh Fucking you know And then you can be honest about how you got it. Where'd you get yours? I got mine in fucking chili. Where'd you get yours? Dude, I was in the combat zone getting blown on a flight of stairs, right? I got one fucking. I don't know. She fucking bit my ball bag. I was into it.

All right, evidently she had rabies on one of her incisors Um, all right, so they got all these different fucking websites here 10 most bizarre dating websites I feel like I should have anton fig here right now to do a little drum roll um They have a website for look-a-likes People who look like each other which I think is awesome You know a couple of narcissists just get together And uh, they don't have a they you know

Neither one of them has a problem with the other person saying I need a little me time They're gonna have me time together just looking at each other how they look alike um this one basically says uh Look alike date dating website because that's what we're all looking for right um, the founder of uh, findyourfacemate.com says she She says that she was inspired to build a website after people kept telling her that she and her ex husband look a lot alike It's really not a compliment compliment. Then they have they have a website for ugly people

I swear to god, uh, britain's first dating agency. Uh, who would have guessed britain would have a date a dating website for ugly people You know, it's not that people in britain are fucking ugly. It's that they the country is the size of michigan and you know americans are good-looking people because we got everybody everybody's fucking everybody we we're mulching it over You got fresh soil over here goddamn english people. They've been fucking in the same soil for years Goddamn teeth are all fucked up. You want to see the worst of them. Look at the royal family. Is there one good-looking person furgy Furgy could scare a fucking pug

She could she looks like a i don't know what You know if a poodle fucked helen keller, that's what That's fucking me. That's what you get. You get furgy and look at fucking look at prince charles Jesus christ, you know why his wife was 20 years younger than him because that's how much further along He had to be intellectually to talk a pretty fucking pretty woman into bed even with the goddamn castle prince william I mean, they're just not their teeth. They're just horrific hairy with those beady little eyes

you know He looks like a like one of one of the guys in dillinger's gang from fucking he looked like They have so just been fucking each other for so goddamn long like If you if you ever look at pictures of uh people like from 50 years ago You know that probably doesn't work in england. They probably look exactly the fucking same because god knows you guys are still Fucking trying to empty that keg of dna over there, right? But over here in america people look different Because we had all these different ethnicities came in and then everybody like people look really ethnic

Like if you look at pictures of americans in like the 20s italian people looked italian French people look french you could tell what country people were from And then by the 60s right after world war two everybody came back and just started fucking banging away Okay, the greatest generation basically From their balls Came the douche generation known as the baby boomers the whining crying patting yourself on the back Contiest most selfish self-righteous generation. We've ever fucking had

They take credit for all the good shit and completely ignore That they're all a bunch of banker cunts now driving fucking convertible bmw's right through the 80s Right right into aig all those fucking people They all claim they were at wood stock and they protested the fucking war fuck all of them All right, this is a lot of generalities here. So anyways, but if you notice those people they they uh, they look different You know, I can't remember what my fucking point was I know a point was it's it's fitting that england started ugly people.com. Um, what is it called? it's called uh

The ugly the ugly bug ball dot com a dating website All right, you know, it's funny the last time I said English people were ugly You know who they sent over is one of their good-looking people was that chick from the uh from the spice girls You know who in this country would just be the real spot. Uh, the real housewife of uh Orange county with that awful facelift She looks like a good-looking mouse. That's the best thing. I'll give her Um, all right, they got a c captain website for c captains for women who like guys who fucking wear that ted night fucking I have a yacht hat

They got that let me just blow through these they got a dead a dating website for a mother's single son Mother's playing matchmakers for their children is probably as old as humanity itself Ladies you can't tell me that's not that's not a major red flag Okay, if there's some mother like the kids got some sort of fucked up relationship that his mother's picking the out the pussy That he's gonna bang for the rest of his fucking life. Do you think you're ever Going to be dressed nice enough. Do you think the house is ever going to be neat enough? Do you think your s'mores are ever going to taste as good as the wrinkled cunt that this guy came out of? I don't think they are so stay away from that website. That's my advice for the ladies this week

uh website number five Um, are you okay? This one is uh for superheroes and supervillain villains Are you lonely looking for a special someone? Are you looking are you also okay? With tights wearing crime fighters These fucking comic book people they're a bunch of freaks I think that that's what you start off doing when you start off dressing up like a superhero Eventually you get into that porn where you want to fuck a mascot Um dating website for beautiful people. That's a great one

I think that's great. I think beautiful people should fuck each other and just make more beautiful people You know give the rest of us something to jerk off to You know or maybe something to claim if you go out and make your million wouldn't that be great? Um dating website for pot smokers tired of smoking weed alone try joining 420 dating and pack that bowl for two And of course they have some super hot chick with a flat stomach like she smokes weed She's not smoking weed. She's doing coke. That's how she keeps the fucking weight off You can't have a stomach that flat when you're fucking eating a whole bag of jacks

Um dating website for women behind bars dating website for married people. Oh, jesus Every 20 seconds someone someone somebody new joins ashley madison's looking to have a discreet affair Life is short have an affair With a trademark greeting like that on the home page You can't say that the ashley madison agency are shy when it comes to the fact that they're dating websites caters specifically To married people with the roving eye There's even the option to quickly visit a fake home renovation website at any moment by pressing a panic button Wow

Wow, and then number 10 The drum roll from anton fig is Dating website for people with std's It's a picture of two happy people that they're psyched that they both have uh I think i'm out of funny std std's Um connect with singles who share your std. That's the slogan from std match.net whether you're living with herpes hpv or anything else Notice how did they take two uh one scary one one kind of mainstream one and then or anything else Um

There's something there's someone there for you. So there you go There you go people. I think I just helped to make a love connection for a lot of you guys out there Those are all the people You know there's somebody for people who smoke weed. How about you should have an alcoholics one If you're sick of somebody fucking ragging on you to put down the goddamn bottle not for for straight up alcoholics because If you're straight up alcoholic, right you want to end the problem But just for somebody with somebody who fucking nags you all the time, right? You don't give a fuck that you have a beer belly

all right You live for sports and you live for whatever seasonal ale sam adams puts out All right, and you want a giant glass And you want to just suck down like fucking 20 of them and you just want to be able to do that without somebody judging you That'd be a great website That really would I would enjoy that one. God damn it. I miss beer. I really fucking miss that shit people. I'm coming up on 200 days You know

Vanity vanity wise. I'm loving it. You know, I'm in shape again and uh But I ah Jesus I was out in fucking uh Milwaukee and I was working the pap's theater And uh this theater was from like uh the mid 1800s like Like duke ellingtons band the original band played there

Liberace who's from wisconsin he played there all these amazing amazing fucking entertainers had played there and i'm sitting there doing my show and it went Phenomenal by the way, I'm gonna tell you right now. Milwaukee in detroit are now in the rotation without a doubt I was blown away by how many people showed up. I was really nervous When my guy booked both of those cities. I didn't know how many people were gonna show up I've never done stand-up in milwaukee And I hadn't done the royal oak theater in seven years last time. I did there was on the rich bitch tour Uh with uh the chappelle show tour with charlie murphy and don l. Rawlings. I was the first guy out of the gate. Nobody knew who I was

Everybody thought I was a writer on chappelle show, which I wasn't And uh, or they thought I was from the detroit metro area I was just some local white guy that they put on there and they went, you know But anyways a ton of people fucking showed up And basically I forgot my point. Oh, I remember I was in milwaukee and they had some Beer that was some local beer and I noticed there was a bunch of people from milwaukee sucking them down And they were all saying how good they are and that's one of the things I like to do

is uh Check out the local breweries and now man. That was a fucking rough one To not be able to do that at some point i'm gonna end this streak though like when brett farve finally decided. All right, fuck it Well, I guess he really didn't somebody threw him on the ground like a rag doll and he said I can't do it Oh, no, that's how his career ended like cal ripkin cal ripkin took himself out of the lineup. I'm gonna do that at some point um But anyways, let's plow ahead here. Let's get let's get To some of the questions and some of the comments from last week's podcast somebody some lady wrote in

I was talking about always wear a condom And you can't believe the information this lady sends in Without anything else. She goes i'm a nurse and you can actually still get herpes using a condom just an fyi That's it No telling you how you can get herpes by using how can you get her how can you get herpes using a condom? If you take a condom you unroll that motherfucker all the way down the shaft of your cock Get it all the way down to the base And it doesn't break

And you never dip your dick in past where the fucking condom is she never rides you and nothing drips down on you and nothing How does it what does it eat through the rubber? Okay You're teasing me here lady. You got me. I'm on the hook I'm signed up for the sequel for the love of god. Tell me how the fuck you can get herpes wearing a goddamn condom. That's that's frightening They didn't say that in health class That sounds like some shit. I never took a health class. Who am I kidding? You know what's staggering is I I don't know anything

About the vagina. I don't know anything about it Somebody said cervix the other day and they kept talking about their cervix and I don't even know what it was And evidently that's like the swinging saloon door that the baby comes out I don't know what ovaries are Aren't there like two of them and that's they spit out a couple of eggs I don't know anything about them. There's a tube in there The eggs come down the tube or one egg comes down the tube And if you don't knock it up then it it kind of just withers up and then just

It's a bloody mess once a month. Isn't that how it works? I don't I don't know Yeah Like if you're ever in an elevator and we're stuck and you start having a kid you're in trouble Because I don't know anything I don't know anything when it well about anything when it comes to that shit I never took a fucking health class and for some reason the amount of stuff that fascinates me The reproductive aspects of a vagina

Don't fascinate me. I was just more interested in the uh the clitoris and uh What do I have to do on the inside to try to make the same reaction happen other than that? I was good with the other stuff. It's kind of like me with cars, you know, I can change the oil Change an air filter. I can take up the radiator out and replace the pumps But you know, you start getting in with the pistons and I don't know shit. I don't know anything about it Taking that to somebody else Hey doc, she's uh, she's holding her stomach here

I'll be in the waiting room I would tell you guys that I have no plans if I ever have a kid to be in the fucking delivery room I'm not gonna go in there and get yelled at You know having some woman break my fucking finger as I'm standing there doing what? What am I doing except adding to the heat in the room just by my body temperature in there? I can't do anything Standing there dressed like like a fucking surgeon like I know. I don't know anything Goddamn pussy guys man just getting talked into one fucking thing after another back in the day You stood out in the waiting room where you belong

Yeah, let's bring somebody else in here somebody else in here who has germs You know to breathe on the goddamn kid I don't want to see it when it comes out when it's not ready yet hose it off slap it around make sure everything's fine Then bring it out Hey, how you doing there sport? Pat it on its soft head hand out some cigars And then go up there and wipe the sweat off my wife's brow. That's why I wanted to do it old school Evidently if you do that, you're the worst first person on the planet. I can't wait for that to swing back

kind of like with like eggs You know when I was a kid eggs were healthy And then all of a sudden everybody said all you got to eat is the white stuff You eat the yolk and then all of a sudden that that gives you a heart attack and then a fucking swung back again. Oh wait The yoke's okay. That's what I'm hoping for It's gonna swing back again. That's when I'll have a kid when I could stand out smoking a fucking cigar you know Just sitting there with a fucking cigar in my mouth and the duck comes out. Ah, what what do you have? What?

Oh Everybody everybody smoke it out smoke it out. Tell me tell me That's how I want to do it. I know there's a lot of women like you should never be a parent um Whatever probably shouldn't okay bill You should come back and check out the clinton museum here in little rock. Oh, yeah last week I talked about the reagan library and how we had a great time He said arkansas sucks our only bragging rights are clinton and wal-mark and the razor backs

SEC football what are you talking about? So the clinton museum has to be Decked out to overcompensate. Oh, I see whenever you come down I'll tell you some uh some more old redneck sayings that my friends can take you out hunting. There's a funny bone down here Uh To that can be your ticket so that could be a ticket a little typo there Um, you know a lot of people are going to take me up on that hunting thing I just got to figure out who's not a psycho I mean that that was pretty well written

But you're also from arkansas. I guess that's gonna be par for the course Right, I don't want to go hunting in rhoda island. I want the real deal arkansas is a good state I wonder what do I want to shoot I want to shoot a vomit. Let me start small I don't want to shoot like a badger or a wolverine. How about a raccoon? Shoot it right in its belly Uh

Possum something fucking ugly Uh, number three. Hey bill, uh as a woman. I fucking hate to hear bitches. Oh, wait a minute I'm supposed to be doing my catchphrases this week People gave me some catchphrases. Let me try out a couple of these catchphrases You guys tell me if you like them or not um Where the fuck are they? All right, instead of saying get her done you could say got a Prius

Uh comically insane That's a catchphrase ginger and loving it Securing my perimeter, you know what that could be the name of a special in the late 80s If I was already a dad and it was talking about having a man cave if I could have come out with that Before tim allen came out with that pegboard and did tool time. I think I think I could have made a zillion I don't read no research necessary

Some of these are actually uh doable Oh, if I finish a joke after every joke I could go. Ah ginger How would you guys like that? He's a fucking horrific. These are all in your career catchphrases You just got bill burned All right, I'm gonna puke if I read any more of these. Um, all right, let's plow ahead here. Um Bill is a woman. I fucking hate to hear bitches complain about being stay at home

I stay at home mom. Are you kidding me? It would be the greatest gig ever I get to garden cook go shopping watch netflix all day, but mostly I can't believe this is written by a woman But mostly not have to get up and work at 7 a.m. Every fucking day and work with a bunch of bitches that I can't stand Even the goddamn gym has a babysitter to watch your spawn while you work out great point Then you go meet your girlfriends for three martini lunch Then run by whole foods foods in the liquor store and go home and fix a gin and tonic While you get dinner ready and then give your man some hot steamy sex when he gets home

Is it that hard to push a baby carriage around and then let that thing suck on your tit every once in a while? No, it can't be I am not a mom, but I have a dog That's hilarious. I was gonna say this sounds like a guy. I can't believe a woman wrote this Um, I just completely agree with you on this subject quit whining and learn to And learn how to keep your legs shut if you can't handle it Anyways, I love the podcast. Thanks for doing it come to louisiana soon, please I'm planning on it in the fall for an lsu game. So there you go ladies That's coming from one of your own

A sellout You might say All right, let's get to advice here and then I got I got to wrap this shit up really quickly. Uh Wait, can you please keep track? Um, oh by the way you guys why don't you guys vote on the on your catchphrase? And I'll say it once next week when I do the whatever funny joke You want me to say gotta Prius like get her done gotta Prius Would you like that?

Do you want me to say ginger and loving it? securing my perimeter Or uh, what was the last one? Oh ginger Vote on the mmpodcast.com. I could have sold those a lot better I know I always promise my web guy that I'm gonna sell this shit better And I just you know what is this podcast to stream of consciousness? So if I try and plan shit, it ends up not being funny. Let's get to the advice here

But please go there and uh, please go to the mmpodcast.com check out the youtube videos for the week Um, if you want to email me questions, please send it at, uh Something something uh, I don't know what the hell it is What is the email? It's on the mmpodcast.com What the fuck is uh, Jesus Christ, why do I try? Why do I my web guy right now is just throwing his hands up in the fucking air and that's what he's saying Why do I try to help this guy? This is pointless. Thank god for the donation button

Um, anyways advice for the week. Uh, I haven't read any of these Whatever I flew today people go fuck yourselves. I haven't read any of these. So let me uh, let me blow through this um Hit buy advice You know what I should have done? I should have got a joke book and just read bad jokes and then then try it out the fucking Catch phrases. That's what I should have done. God damn it All right advice bill since you've uh, you've given great advice on relationships in the past. I'm wondering if you can do it For me

I've been with this girl this lady of mine for years And we're planning on getting married. Oh, jeez We're both only 20 years old I'm a college dropout since I'm certainly a more blue collar individual She is going to college to work with children We both work full-time jobs mine being the night shift in a warehouse selecting orders To go to individual stores stressful and physically challenging uh, here's being

Her as being a phone answering day job from eight to five Working with customers in a graphic design shop boring and easy. Okay He's defined his job is stressful and physically challenging and her job is boring and easy Never underestimate how tedious a boring job can be. I'd rather do your job Walking around breaking balls Look at his fucking shirt, dude fucking queer Drive by on the fucking forklift Right guys start a softball league. You have a great time rather than sitting there having your ass fall asleep in a cubicle

Listening to people bitch because they can't figure out how to work there set it and forget it Grass is always greener my friend. Why don't I shut my fucking pie hole and read the rest of this? All right Since we started dating she seemed to do everything to keep me interested Uh, make me breakfast in the mornings on some on some days go to concerts with me when she didn't necessarily like the music um The whole works, but I've noticed that she without she's without question Just been lacking in the care department. She just sits and watches tv every night and eats and complains about gaining weight I come home in the morning to do dirty dishes to do the dirty dishes that piled up in the sink from her having friends over while

I'm at work For the night and get yelled at for not cleaning them When I saw them sitting there, but I had no part in making them dirty, dude. What the fuck you can't have that She leaves clothes laying around every room in the house and that's not even how Uh, she is with me She has seemed to develop some kind of self-righteousness where everything that she where everything that she Yeah, dude, you I really got to prove read these people so many spelling mistakes

She has seemed to develop some kind of self-righteousness Where everything that she says throughout the day should be my main concern and I should go out of my way to make her life easier I do her college homework. I take care of the $2,000 dog. I bought for her I work on her car when when she nearly runs the damn wheels off the thing and I do chores for her family She volunteers me for Dude, she has your balls in a little that you know that little engagement ring you bought her if you bought there yet Your balls are in there too The next part is the icing on the cake

She goes as far as to dictate what time I have to go to bed and wake up in the morning Um, uh evening since I work at nights, uh, what what I can and can't spend money on Who I can hang out with what days I can see friends and require me To call her every time I arrive at work and text her in the middle of the night when I get off work And request her and I request her to do nothing outside of what she does on her day to day routine To sum all that up I feel like she's forcing me into a cookie mold guy when I actually let her make her own decisions like Some strange thing called an adult

All right, I'm gonna stop right here, dude because this is just gonna be more fucking misery. All right This is this is what I've said this before on the podcast you have to I don't give a fuck How good the woman is that you're with you really have to be careful because All this shit you see on tv where women are just constantly there's all this fucking information Out there about how guys are assholes to women There's just reams of it And there needs to be because guys are assholes to women. So women I think are more aware Or at least they should be more aware because they got all these fucking god damn shows with either from one to four

sitting around bitching about guys and all this shit that we do but There's no show on tv where you have four guys just sitting around a coffee table You know drinking some hot cocoa with some pillows and wearing sweaters and their favorite shoes Talking about you know not losing yourself in a relationship. That's what you've done here All this shit that she's doing Is your fault Okay, and what's great about being a guy is you can blame the victim which is why we're better problem solvers. All right

This is your fault. This is all on you You don't like any of this shit. You have to sit down and talk to her. Okay You you You're not required to call her you can go to bed when you fucking want to go to bed And you can just sit there and tell it you did those dishes you clean it up. Okay. Now. Here's the point This is the key with This is what you got to do You can't be mean

There's no reason to be mean here. There's no reason to yell. There's no reason to be angry Okay, all three of those things is what she wants you to do because because she knows she's gonna know she's fucking wrong if you if you If you made the dishes dirty and every day you're telling me to clean them up You treat me like i'm fucking alice on the goddamn brady bunch. Everybody knows that that's fucking wrong So what women do when they're fucking wrong is they try to make the argument about something else All right, so she's gonna do that anyways So but you're gonna make it easy if you're angry and you yell at her and you call her fucking names

So what you got to do is you got to you got to keep keep your fucking cool That's what you got to do. Keep your fucking cool and say listen I worked all night I don't think it's fair that you tell me to come home and I have to do these dishes when you made these dishes dirty yourself I don't think it's fair to me to come home in the morning and have a sink full of dirty dishes That not only you you and your friends made dirty That's unacceptable to me that you want me to wash those that's unacceptable. I'm not doing it. You have to wash those I'll wash my dirty dishes. I'm not doing that

All right, and then then let her flip out Let her pout let her slam the fucking cabinets. Let her not fuck you Just don't back down rub one out. Who gives a fuck It's just an urge. You've already banged her. You're not missing anything who gives a fuck But don't get angry. All right, and then just do Due to her what she did to you. Just just reclaim that territory You're not doing that. You're not doing that anymore. All right start with the fucking dishes and then start with this I not in you know

You can actually tag that argument And just say another one on this topic of discussing things I'm going to go to bed when I want to go to bed I just it makes me feel like a child when you're telling me when to go to bed I know when to go to bed. All right now that I've aired two complaints How about you give me a couple of you got anything you want to say to me? And just stay cool then when she hits you with some shit if you don't like it tell her, you know I was gonna say to go fuck herself to you know, I don't know what whatever

You know what fuck that last advice just go with the dishes thing first. It's unacceptable. That's it If you bring up something else then you then it looks like you have all this resentful shit And then she'll try and spin it like well if you're feeling all this why didn't you fucking say anything cuz you're a cunt That's what's gonna happen and then you're gonna lose the argument and then next thing you know To make up for it. You're not gonna be getting any pussy from her and you're gonna be doing a whole sink full of fucking dishes That you didn't dirty All right Moving on but sir you have all the power there. Just keep you fucking cool

All right next one. Then I got to wrap this up. This podcast is getting way too fucking long lately Subject whose dick do I have to suck to be a stay-at-home mom bill? Jesus. Here's another one Bill I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. I love her to death. We have a fundamental problem I'm a sports nut. I watch every single bill's game and almost every sabers game I played high school hockey college hockey And now that i'm in the real world, uh beer league hockey twice a week My girlfriend who has a good family life with both parents grew up with an older brother that played hockey with With an entire family that is just as ridiculous of sports fans as I am she is a soup

Super girly girl that never got into it And since she was dragged to all of her brother's hockey games and hated it She now absolutely hates sports and any kinds of sports viewing activity. All right, that's understandable This is causing an unbelievable amount of friction lately Now that the honeymoon stage of our relationship is over she used to come Uh used to come along to my hockey games come with me to uh my super bowl parties And group outings at sports bars on sundays during the football game Now she absolutely refuses to do anything related to sports whatsoever

I wouldn't really care that much but I hang out with a ton of other couples and i'm always alone now Whenever I want to watch a game Bill you're a sports fan. It's a lot more fun to watch a game with uh Other buffalo fans than to watch uh to watch it alone Uh god my brain's tired. I'm sorry guys. Uh, who is there? To hear all that shit you spew at the tv when you're watching it alone Uh, nobody in my mania hates sports You know, she likes going to basketball games

She likes going to football games and looking at the field and then she's not into it. So I you know All right, dude, I already know where you're going with this. I love this girl He says I want to work with it. We are perfect fit every other act I talked to her about the sports thing is really becoming increasingly a big deal But she would not budge on this whole sports vendetta What does a sports fan do when he finds himself in this situation? All right. Well, this is what you got to do This is the great thing Okay, when you're in a relationship

You do have to have areas that you're into and the other person isn't so you can get the fuck away from each other Absence makes the heart fonder. All right So what I would do right now is you're basically doing to her what her family already did Which is you're not in as bad, but you're trying to force her into this shit. She doesn't want to do it She wants to have her own life. So let her have her own life All right, and you do your fucking sports thing All right, and uh, she does her thing you do your thing And then when there's a big game coming up, you got to do something that's going to make it fun for her

Either agree to do some other activity with her if she comes to the sports thing or You can fucking turn it into like a date night thing as gay as that sounds um You just have it built around rather than some awful fucking romantic comedy movie You have it built around the sabers game. You got to do something to make it fun for her But right now, you know what she needs to do she needs the detox from sports You just don't force it on her And just find some other activity that you guys like doing going to the gym or some other shit looking at the fucking ducks

I don't know what find something you guys can do together And then you watch your sports and she goes and goes to her needle point fucking class whatever the hell she wants to do Maybe that's what you do I can tell you right now All your buddies whose broads are going to them with the fucking games Eventually are going to be envious of the fact that you can go to a goddamn sports bar by yourself And they don't have their ball in chain because eventually most of their relationships are going to suck and they're going to want to get a divorce And they're just going to be miserable

You know and then they won't communicate and they'll gradually keep getting fatter and fatter Because they're just going to be drowning themselves in appetizers and beers That's basically what's going to happen. So you actually have a decent situation. Um, i'm a total sports nut Nia hates sports. She doesn't give a fuck So, uh, when she watches reality tv, I go out and do stand-up And uh, when I watch sports, she goes out works out or goes out and fucking it goes hangs with her friends or goes in the other room That's it and I watch it with my dog And it's worked out

So there you go. And I think that's it. I think that's the podcast for this week. Uh, I got a couple youtube videos, uh How they make the ice rink. They got a couple of good videos like this This will send you to some links how to make a backyard ice rink, which is something I've always dreamed of doing You know back in the day when I thought I was going to be a dad and have four fucking kids You know three boys and a girl I wouldn't I wouldn't let the girl play hockey though. You know what I mean? I wouldn't let him do that, you know, I just wouldn't it's just too, uh

You know If I had a girl I'd send her like to uh How to make a grilled cheese sandwich like class, you know I really want to bring back the america that I've read about you know The chauvinistic I'm fucking with you guys. Um, here's another one. Uh eating fish alive. I don't even know what this one is Eating fish alive. Is this something about asia?

Okay, there is a fish on a plate and it looks like it's waving like please please pull me back in the water and this chopsticks What a surprise Those little dishes that you put the thing that is the fucking worst thing I've ever seen Stab it with the fucking stick you asshole They're just eating the ginger around it You know what what is with the continent of asia when it comes to animals? You know, I know we do cruel shit in this country, but they just fucking go above and beyond Do you guys ever see that movie the cove? I never had the balls to watch it

It's basically about Japanese people clubbing dolphins to death Not all of them, but just some people i'm not saying that asia is a bad place, you know, look at us with their guns There's a lot of shit that we do that's probably fucking stupid, but How do you how do you do that? The fucking thing is just sitting there moving. It's finn I don't know By the way, somebody sent me an email that went above and beyond. This is some extra time here in the podcast

Uh, this one is beyond my advice by the way. This guy basically sent me an email He said, uh, I was good friends with this this this female Uh, we've known each other since my freshman year at the university of blah blah blah in the year 2000 We keep in contact. She's like my kid's sister. I thought this was going to be like she's like my kid's sister But he really had like a crush on her um So anyway, but it isn't goes takes a total left turn he says, uh We all keep in contact my whole crew of college friends. We all keep in contact and we meet as as much as possible

Um, the girl who's my kid's sister. She went to the peace corps in 2008 and she got a boyfriend Who left the peace corps early to be with her and this guy says I don't like this guy To put it tersely. He's he's done nothing to warrant any antagonism, but he's just never set well with me I've kept it to myself because they love quote each other and he has never set a foot wrong Um with me or even my friends In fact, he is overly attentive to her. I have never seen, uh, my kid's sister friend there So attached to her to a boyfriend last holiday. We all got together and some of us noticed a marked change In my girlfriend my I'm trying not to name her name

Let's just call her lisa Lisa's demeanor She's usually very bright bubbly and vivacious girl Uh type of girl who wasn't the prettiest in the room but could catch any man's attention with her charm and personality Now she has an insecure negative mopey introverted attitude. She marked it down To her y'all she she tried to say it was her graduate school stress But this was But she was this way for an entire week this past sunday another friend in the group

Will call her susie and I were arranging plans in late may To go to mob. I don't know what the fuck that is and They stated that lisa and her boyfriend might not go then the bomb came She let it slip that the real reason her boyfriend left the peace corps was because he was a teacher and beat up a six-year-old kid In school. He didn't leave the peace corps because of lisa. He left because he was asked to leave Um lisa specifically told the rest not to mention it because of how I uh, oh to me because how I would react since the incident was a misunderstanding I lived with an abusive father and she know the story would put him in a bad light and I realized immediately why I didn't like this

Why this douche didn't sit well with me reminded me of my father So it goes on to continue it gets really dark here. We're basically they think that this guy thinks that She's being physically abused or whatever. Dude. This is a dr. Drew question. All right. This is my advice call dr. Drew Call love line. He will know exactly what the fuck to do if not to Send you in the right direction Uh, the name of the show is love line. Uh You can find it the guy's super famous. I don't have the link here, but uh Yeah, guys, don't don't don't ask me questions like that because that is I'll ask the silly ones

I like sports and she doesn't like but that is above and beyond You know this podcast and my ability to answer questions like that. I feel fucking horrific Uh, you know, I I mean I say a lot of fucking horrific shit about women on here But I'm obviously just fucking around. This is all comedy and stuff like, uh, I have no idea how I would approach that but uh You know, I all I can tell you is that uh, I've known somebody that was in a situation like that and It's hard when they're in the denial And protecting the douche of a fucking boyfriend and they won't fucking own up to it. It's it's kind of an impossible

Situation until they finally admit that they got a fucking problem So I don't know it's above and beyond me. What a fucked up way to end the podcast but I wanted to at least try to send this guy in the right direction because That's uh, it was just a creepy fucking email. So, uh, yeah, so don't send me the creepy emails everybody Uh, I'm flattered that someone would think that I could possibly know what the fuck to do there Calling the love line for the serious ones the silly stupid ones, you know I love it, but a clam stinks. You know, those are the ones for me. So that's the podcast for this week I hope you guys enjoyed it. We're gonna have another podcast this week. I'm gonna put it up, uh

possibly Tuesday or wednesday I'll announce it on the mm podcast this week where I actually I'll put it up on wednesday Let's have it defined wednesday will be a special edition of the monday morning podcast, uh And I'll have special guests Uh, robert kelly and jota rosa and we're gonna be talking about a film, uh In the tribeca film festival the film called cheat. We're gonna talk about how we all know each other We're gonna tell old stories. We're gonna break each other balls Probably trash each other and it might hurt our friendships, but it's going to be hilarious to you guys

I hope you enjoy it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. And I actually know I'll talk to you on wednesday. See you Now at proxymus the perfect deals with a one plus 11 for nul euro at a mobile moment That doesn't seem to be coming, huh? I don't even want to shoot. Amai, do you feel my heart beating? Oh, that's still a good ringtone, huh? For that new one plus 11 for nul euro info and forward on proxymus.be proxymus