Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-5-21

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

Bill rambles about 'not deep, deep shit', dream cars, and religious freaks.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 5th, 2021. What's going on? How are you? How's it going with you? Are you hanging in there? Are you a reasonably intelligent person just being inundated with the stupidity? That is all of this fucking media that's coming at you now. It really is something to behold. I started my day today. I woke up this morning and I was laying in the bed. We got all our plumbing issues fixed, but now there's some plunger in the back of the fucking toilet. It never ends, but I got all new pipes in the house.

At least coming out of the house. It's all good. We called Roto-Rooter. That's the name and your money goes down the fucking drain. But it continues out to the street and your head's on out. I got a 20-year guarantee that I can get on to the fucking dump and drop a fucking douche and it's going to go down the fucking street until I'm 72. Right? That's it. That's right. In 20 years, I'm going to be 72. That's how quick it goes. It's crazy. George Carlin died at 71. Fucking nuts. What a privilege it would be to live a year longer than that great man

and still be dropping a douche in my fucking bathroom and it actually goes down the fucking street. That would be great as I'm the crazy old guy on my block because I ain't ever leaving. I got too much money in this fucking house now. Anyway, so I woke up this morning to my daughter telling me because what happened was the flapper on the back of the toilet, the guy adjusted the fucking chain because not enough water was flowing down or whatever and now the flapper's a little bit off so the toilet's running all night so I shut the fucking thing off so she didn't have to listen to it and then she comes in and says she needs to use the bat

so I can fucking yell. I got to go in there and then handle that shit. I got to handle all of that shit and then I'm like it doesn't need a new flapper. You adjusted the chain and now the fucking flapper's not covering the hole completely but then if you adjust it back there's not enough water coming down from the tank to do what the fuck it needs to do to get everything going out to the fucking street that I just paid a silly fucking dollar for. But you know, that's the old me. I don't get, I don't, you know, I flip out but then I just say out loud, you know, I don't want to get mad about this.

Okay, because I am a yoga douche now. I've done yoga four times in the last, I don't know, say like 10 days. You know, namaste. How's it going? I think that's how you say hello when you walk into it. You say namaste in the end, you know what I mean? You appropriate a little bit of the culture. You know, you do some sort of fucking little prayer hand thing, you know, acting like you're not a white douche like me totally caught up in capitalism trying to think about the next thing that you want to buy that you don't really fucking need. You don't really fucking need.

And you might be asking yourself, Bill, Bill, Bill, let me, let me, let me, let me. You probably have a lot of questions. What's the latest thing that you want that you don't need? Oh, I'm going to tell you, I found my dream fucking my latest dream car. You know, I grew up playing with Tonka trucks. I've always loved trucks. My first car was a truck, first car, first automobile. Sorry, it didn't mean to freak people out that was fucking on a pot cookie right now. How's the car truck, man? Doesn't make sense. It's like that old joke. The door is a jar. How's the door a jar, man? Who used to have that joke?

Um, anyway, I fell in love with this fucking truck. I'm a Ford guy. I want to get a Ford F 250 regular cab. Fuck the extra cab. Fuck the crew cab. I'm a loner. Plus, I just like a regular cab anyway. You know, one of the best trucks I saw over the last few years was that Dodge Hemmy one that was the fucking had the short bed with just the regular cab. That fucking truck is the shit. So my latest one that I love, I love the Ford F 250 regular cab with the turbo diesel four wheel drive in velocity blue.

Go build that on the Ford website and tell me that that isn't a fucking gorgeous goddamn truck. But evidently it does so bad in gas, they don't even tell you it's not even an issue. I actually for two days talked to my wife said I'm going to trade in my four door sedan for one of those fucking things. And she goes, it's stupid. You already have a truck. I'm like, it is not stupid. I always end up feeling like Mark Wahlberg's character in Boogie Nights when she's tearing down all the posters whenever I asked my wife for something. Why would you do that? Stop it. I want an F 250. I know I don't know how to fix things. Why can't I ever?

Listen, I know it would chow gas and there'd be no place to park it out here. But in between those moments, I would have a fucking euphoric ear to ear grin driving that gorgeous, gorgeous truck down the fucking street. I keep it all stock. I wouldn't put stupid tires and rims on it. I keep it all stock because I know. I know what I know. I know what I like. I know what I got. Oh, Huey Lewis on the brain here, man. Oh, Bill Burr, hip to be square. Fucking stone sober. That's what I am. Stone sober. I'm not straight edge. I'm too old to be straight edge. I'm fucking sober.

Straight edge is like, you know, that's for young people. Young people are straight edge, right? You fucking crotch is still talking to me. Okay. Mine got disconnected a long fucking time ago. My brain and my, I don't give a shit about anything right now. So anyway, yeah, the gas combustion engine is going fucking bye bye. And it's not going to go quietly. As you hear all of these fucking idiots out there with those fucking mediocre speed cars with the extra loud exhaust. Going down the fucking street, not going anywhere. No impressive speed whatsoever. This is how I know the gas combustion. But this is also me, like, still having hope for humanity.

Because we already got it wrong the first time because they had electric cars a hundred fucking years ago. Right? And rather than pursuing that, you know, they electrocuted an elephant or something like that and said electricity was dangerous. Not that it wasn't powerful, it was dangerous. So they electrocuted a fucking elephant and everybody got into this stupid, you know, the oil, oil cunts. The same fucking guys, you know, dictate now foreign policy according to my internet conspiracy, right? Anyway, there's a video you got to see. It's a Tesla Model X versus an Alpha Romeo 4C. And I'm going to give you the spoiler alert. So shut it off right now if you don't want to know. Tesla beats the Alpha Romeo 4C while pulling a trailer with an Alpha Romeo 4C on the fucking trailer.

All right? It's fucking, it's a wrap. It's a fucking wrap. What I love is it's quiet when it does it, which takes me to Dave Chappelle and my favorite special name, killing them softly. Right? Because it was a time when that special came out that there was a lot of loud, sort of like these slower cars with the louder exhaust acting like they were faster than they were. And then Dave Chappelle came in like a fucking Tesla right up to the microphone and fucking did like the best hour anybody had seen. I don't know. You know, there was some great ones back then, but like that it was, you know, it was easily the best one in five, seven years. So anyway, all of that shit. So that got me thinking like, you know, if I buy this Ford F-250 regular cab turbo diesel 4x4 in velocity blue with the turbo diesel and all that, and I kept it all stock with the factory rims and tires that in 20 years and I fucking babyed that thing.

And I kept it fucking sweet. I kept it cherry. I kept it fucking mint dude. If I ever wanted to turn around and sell it, you know, I could get like a lot of money. It's like certain cars that you like keep for life. You know, back in the day, there was these, these oldest successful guys, they buy a Mercedes Benz. And when you bought the top of the line Mercedes Benz, it was built so well that you could just drive it for the rest of your life and they would meticulously maintain them. And back in the day, I see the guys would show up and they used to have like badges on the grills for like going over like 100,000 miles, 200,000 miles. Back when there was pride, you didn't build something to be disposable, right? It was fucking, you know, cars back then were like, they were fucking, it was like building a dynasty. Like you were just going to keep going and keep fucking winning. Now everything's built like the Florida Marlins, right? Let's get a fucking championship is fucking great.

And then the next over the next summer, they just fucking just shits the bed, right? So anyway, I, I love that truck. And my wife just keeps telling me that it's stupid, you know, and in defense of her, it is stupid. Okay, but just because something's stupid doesn't mean it's not awesome, right? Look at all the pop music, all the pop music, if you listen to the lyrics, 99% of it is fucking stupid, but it's awesome. Makes you smile, you can sing, you know, you're singing along to it, you know what the fuck you're talking about, but it's fun. So anyway, I don't know, I get, I get like, I fall in love with cars and I can't stop and I won't stop thinking about it. But like the true test, Jesus Christ, I just fucking ate stomach is growling like you can't believe, you know why?

Because when I got my fingers stitched up, they weighed me in my clothes and then they told me I had a BMI, a body mass index of 27 points something. I'm like, what the fuck? I used to be like a 13 or a 15 or an 18. So I know I was in the fucking teens. So I looked it up. I said, it's a BMI of 27 bad. And they said, it said 26 to 27 is 20% generally speaking, because it also depends on, I don't know what it depends, I don't know what the fuck it depends on.

It's 20% overweight and 30% being obese, which I don't know, because I know I got, I got, you know, I got, I got a cunt belly. I'm not going to lie to you. I look like I dropped a kid like a few months ago, you know, and immediately started doing like going to the gym. So I think what happened was I was fucking, I started doing that veggie diet and I didn't have enough protein. I didn't know which plants to eat, you know, like I just found out radishes have like, a ton of iron in them. So that's why I got my mandolin and fucking sliced my goddamn finger fucking trying to eat more of that shit. But, you know, I still eat, I eat meat like fucking once a day or whatever.

Right. So I think I just got like all fleshy, you know, I wasn't feeding the muscles. So then the body burned those off and all I was left with was a big sack of fat. That's what the fuck I am right now. You could fucking refry some beans in a pan if I was sitting in it. Anyway, I got a fucking lard. So I got to fucking get my shit together here. I want to get back down.

I got to get back down leaning me. But I've also, but what was good is I dropped six pounds, you know, probably five pounds of muscle evidently over the last month. And, you know, I just, whatever, the gyms are fucking opening back up again. I just got to get back on an elliptical and I get an elliptical, I'm fine. Cardio burns fat, right? No, it does on my body. I have the flattest fucking stomach. If I get on that motherfucker, if I start getting some road gigs and I can fucking hit that thing,

because I have not been on an elliptical since, I don't know, February of last fucking year. So I really have no excuse. I could still go for a walk or whatever. So anyway, so that's my latest one. I was in love with the 67 Cadillac El Dorado. I was in love with the fucking 65 Ford Galaxy and Wimbledon White with the blue interior and fucking a Hurst Shifter with that white knob. I was in love with the 65 Buick Riviera. I was in love with the fucking a Bullnose short bed F-150 XLT.

All of them. All right. But this one might fucking stick. Because what I love about this is it's been a long time since I've been in love with something that's like brand fucking new. And the only thing I hate about this business is where it is. You know, is if I lived in the middle of nowhere and there was like country roads and that type of shit, I could drive that truck all over the place. But the problem is, is then I would have to deal with those people's worldview. I don't mind the music.

I don't mind the food. I don't mind the people. It's just when they start talking about the world, you just look at it and like, buddy, you got to get out. You got to venture past the swamp. Their fucking worldview is, and I'm not just blaming people in the middle of fucking nowhere because that isn't terrible. Because I'll tell you what's fucking hilarious is other than my own ignorance, okay, which I openly admit to. Is what drives me nuts. Oh, I'm getting what it was driving me nuts when I woke up this morning, but do, but do, do.

Is I am so sick of people posting shit on fucking social media, posting life advice that is literally common sense. And they're presenting it like you first of all, you didn't know it and they just cracked some fucking code. And then all of these fucking people like the emoji clapping preach. And what I'm really starting to think, I really think that 90% of the internet, it's like grad school for fucking morons. And there's literally like morons teaching morons. And all they got to do is dazzle a crowd of morons. Listen, listen to this fucking shit here. Let me, let me, let me, let me make, I got to make sure I get this. Listen, listen to how fucking basic this is. Anybody who believes lies about you before even hearing your side of the story was already looking for a way to be against you.

Do I need to say that one more time? Do you need to say it one more time? You didn't even need to say it. That's my favorite part. The arrogance in the end. Do I need to say that one more time? Like you just blew my fucking mind. Wait a minute. So if someone believes shit about me without even talking to me first, that means they're against me? Oh, I thought that meant they were my best friend. Wow. Thank God. Thank God. They're my favorite thing ever. Do I need to say that again?

Oh my God. She did everything but jump up on the counter and do the LeBron thing with the baby powder afterwards. It's like, did, did Albert Einstein say that after he would present one of his fucking theories? E equals MC squared. Do I need to say that again? Well, yeah, actually you're doing. It'd be nice if you told me what all those letters mean. Because that I do not understand. Okay? You could tell Albert Einstein was smart by the way he dressed. He didn't have time for fashion. The guy was so smart he had no time for fashion. He, like, putting on clothes was a fucking, picking out clothes was a waste of fucking time.

I mean that right there, that right there. As someone who's looking at a Ford F-250 regular cab turbo diesel 4x4 velocity blue, who's looking at that, who only owns a fucking tack hammer, is gonna buy that beast of a truck. Oh fuck what I love that truck. Oh Jesus. That's the reality. You know what it is? I think these people that post on these social media things where they say really obvious things. I think I have such a reaction to it because it just, it reminds me of how fucking stupid I am. Right? And then I'm listening to that and it's just like, oh my God, that's me. I do that. I do that with my shit jokes.

Oh my God, I'm gonna do it. I got a couple shows tonight. I'm gonna do a shit joke tonight and then I'm just gonna fucking ask the crowd. Do I need to say that again? I don't know what it is. I think everybody's just crawling out of that childhood. And then when they kind of finally after years of being abused and then going out into the world and then, I'm not gonna live my life the way I grew up and then you just pick fucking abusive people. I think when you finally wake up to the fact that you did that, you're just excited and you want to share the information. That's probably what it is. If I can, you know, Bill, you're gonna do yoga or you're gonna apply it. Alright, so I apologize to that woman. Maybe there was some people out there that needed to hear that.

Do I need to say that again? Do I need to say that again? There's gotta be Jesus. I mean, I'll tell you what, I don't know what Jesus is waiting for. Like, how much more can we get fucking up our own asses down here before he finally decides that he's gonna grace us with his fucking another appearance? Fucking trash in everybody, right? Fuck, I got somebody coming out to the show tonight. I just remembered I gotta fucking put him down on a guest list. God damn it. God damn it. How about your Boston Bruins? Splitting. Great weekend to hockey with the Pittsburgh Penguins. I got to see some of it. I did a lot of stuff with the kids. As always, they're taking up more and more of my weekend and I am not complaining at all.

There we go. Here we go. Here we go. I found the person that I'm supposed to text. Okay. There we go. Typing with one thumb. Sending, because if I don't do it now, I will forget. Question marks and, all right. Anyway, all right. What the fuck was I talking about? How dumb I am? No, I was talking about the Bruins. The Bruins went seven to five. No defense in that game. Twelve goals scored in three periods. Split the weekend series, Brad Marchand with the fucking hat trick, baby. Crazy scoring. That's always a great thing to see. That guy, one of the most selfless hockey players ever. Always looking. That guy wants to assist like nobody's business. I believe it was a one-timer.

And then also, I missed the MotoGP race because I went out for an Easter brunch and you know the deal. You put on a suit. You wear a pink shirt because it's Easter, right? You get a little fucking fruity with it, right? You go out there, do your thing and went out to brunch. There's never anything healthier brunch. You know, you try to eat some salad or fucking some sort of something. It's just, you know, so I got that fucking going on, you know. I don't know. I'm actually happy with kind of what I'm doing right now. All right. The fact that I am not doing anything bad to myself and I'm still sort of dropping weight. I just didn't need that BMI fucking smashing me in the face. Fucking cunt.

I got, I got to fucking start, I got to start going on my old man walks. People like, I'm going to buy a sweater and I got to buy like some of those big white sneakers that old fucking people wear, right? With the fucking Velcro straps across them. Just go for a walk. I always love seeing old couples like that. You ever see the old ones that are still holding hands or they're still arm in arm? Granted, they might be just holding each other up, but I like to think it's still, look at them. Look at them. They made it. They raised their kids. You know, I wonder what conversations are like when you get to be that old with somebody.

You know, she just wakes up. Hey, I was taking her going over to, over to Shelly's and getting a, getting an iceberg wedge. Would you like to do that with me? There's this looking at him like, oh yeah, maybe we could be fucking dead tomorrow. And then I never have an iceberg wedge again. Let's go. Just get in the car and you fucking go. Everyday thinking that shit. You know, I follow Sammy, hey guy on fucking Instagram and he was interviewing his neighbor who turned 100 years old. The guy still has, you know, has a drink.

See, you know, he had a fucking martini. He doesn't booze though. But he was just talking about, you know, clean living made me feel good. You know, I can kind of continue doing this shit. I'm getting to the point though. It's, it's kind of cool. Like I don't fucking miss it as bad at night. Like I definitely get a little fucking edgy around nine. If I don't have any shows and I start bouncing off the walls and I start coming at my wife and I could feel her being like, listen, I'm not the one who said you had to stop drinking. You decided so don't be fucking coming at me.

She always gives me that look and I'm like, all right, you're right. You're right. And oh dude, you know what I did? I fucking blew it with Easter. I went out and I got the fucking candy and I did all of that and I laid out all the, you know, my wife does, they did Easter differently. So she's not into coloring eggs, which next year I'm doing it. You know, I get it. Who wants to have 50 fucking hard boiled eggs sitting around? You know, when you got two kids who don't want to eat them. So she has these plastic eggs, right? So we just put the candy in there and I was like upset with her because it was the night before and she hadn't gotten the candy and she's really not doing anything because Easter wasn't a big deal.

And this is like something you deal with when you're married, like something's a big deal to you, but it's not a big deal to the other person. You can't get upset with the other person. If you're an adult, which I'm not because they didn't do it because they don't. So I'm like, all right, so I fucking go out and I get the candy. I put the candy in each one of the little fucking eggs. All right. And then I just put my daughter to bed and a lot of times she gets up. She comes walking, you know, across the hall into our room or whatever, you know. And I'm like, well, I can't start hiding the things until she goes to sleep.

So I don't know. I fucking fell asleep and my wife fell asleep. And then when my daughter woke up and came into the room, I forgot that it was Easter and she went downstairs and all the eggs with the candy were just sitting there on the counter like the Easter Bunny was late. He just said, yeah, you fucking hide them. And she still was excited and all that. So I had to play it off like, ah, where'd the Easter Bunny drop them all off? At least I had the brains to hide the bags of candy after I did it, you know,

because my daughter's really smart and she fucking would have put two and two together. And then I got to be honest with you, wouldn't that have been better rather than start this fucking lie? I don't understand this whole fucking, oh, what a tangle web we weave when first we practice to deceive. And then one of the first things you do is you tell like that fucking, you know, the LSD lie of tooth fairies and rabbits and Santa Claus and all of this fucking shit. And don't even tell me that, you know, I ruined it for your kid, because if you listen to this fucking podcast with your kid, you already ruined your kid. All right. Anyway, yeah, so I fucking blew it. And then I was upset.

I was really upset with myself. Then my wife didn't think it was that big a deal, which then upset me that she didn't. What do you mean it's not a deal? How come, you know, I even texted her, I said, you come upstairs, you come downstairs, you fucking hide the fucking candy. Whatever. I'm sure it's my fucking fault somewhere along the line. Anyway, all right, let's, let's get into some of the reads here for the week. I have, I also have to make sure that everything came in because I know I have like tour dates here.

Fall tour dates, everybody. Can you can do you believe it? Let's see what we got here. Please announce new tour dates on billburr.com. Where the fuck are they? I got to click on my own goddamn. What's good? I click on my website.

I get a hit, right? We got a hit. People are still going to the website billburr.com. Tour dates. Okay, here we go. Tour dates. Clicking on them. Clicking on the tour dates.

Where are they? Where are they? They are not here. What the fucking goddamn it? Why don't you just send me the fucking tour dates? Ugh. You know, some of the other day asked me to, can you do my fucking roast? I go, when is it and where is it?

And they send me a fucking link. I click on the link and it's the advertisement for the show and fuck me if I can figure out when it is and where it is. So I finally write back to the guy and say, listen, I'm too fucking old for a link. Just tell me what it is. It says the tortilla. Hang on a second. The tour dates are not up on my website. Period.

Can you just send me the tour dates? Period. Text them to me. Text them to me. Question mark? You're like when I was thinking about what I was going to say. I went tour dates. It's still got tour.

I thought I was going to write tortilla again. All right. Please announce new tour dates are up on billburr.com. We're not as of me fucking clicking this, but they will be. Oh, they will be. Guys, can you tell them I've been doing yoga? I don't want, you know, it's great now. Now, when I get mad, I'm already thinking I don't want to be this mad.

I still get that mad, but it's a step that I have taken. Oh, by the way, I missed the MotoGP race because I was doing all the Easter stuff slash screwing it up. What was I going to say? A buddy of mine that watches MotoGP just wrote to me in all capital letters, best fucking sport out there. What a fucking race. So I guess it's an instant classic. And I'm extending an olive branch to old school NBA fans that are sick of watching super teams and they miss watching competition. MotoGP is not a big time commitment.

You know, you can, you can sign up on MotoGP.com. You click on calendar, create, you know, create an account, sign up, click on the calendar section and just watch. Just, it's just, it's fucking amazing. It's guys on motorcycles going over 200 miles an hour, passing each other. It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane or don't, or don't, whatever. All right. I'm just a dumb guy that wants a Ford F 250 regular cab turbo diesel four by four and velocity blue.

I'm really hoping that I've told enough shit jokes in my life for somebody at the Ford Motor Company to just get the ball rolling on this. All right. To give me some sort of fucking podcast discount. I'll still pay 95% of sticker. I don't give it for just give me a discount. Something that I can say to my give me, give me a reason to buy that fucking thing. And I will. All right.

Let's get to the, let's get to the advertising here for this week. All right. By the way, people at Ford Motor Company, do I need to say that again? You want to sell one of those fucking things? Okay. Take a little cream off the top. That's all. That's all I need.

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Fuck. Jesus. I did. I sent the fucking text message to the wrong person. You know, it's great about you guys listening to my texts. You get to see how fucking stupid I am. Copy. Okay.

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I got through that. All right. Well, let's get into maybe some of your questions here for the week, everybody. You know, some of you who were... maybe didn't listen last time, I got three stitches in my finger because I bought one of those mandolins,

which are fucking great, but just pay attention when you go to wash the thing. And somebody here is to help me out. Can I just get my tour dates? Can I just get my tour dates? Oh my God, I'm so fucking excited. It has been so long since I went to a theater and spewed my ignorance all over people.

Holy shit. Okay, buckle up. Date, venue, city, state. Here we go. Friday, July 22nd, 2021. I'm going to be in Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Las Vegas, Nevada.

At the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. Hang on a second. Hang on one fucking second. One fucking second. We're going to do this right. We are going to do that. I'm going to have some background music when I fucking...

when I fucking play this shit here. Let me see here. Come on. Come on, please be. Give me a video. Give me a video. Here we go. Is this it?

Is this going to play it? Why won't you play it? Oh, oh, is that what it is? You know, I'm going to hit pause. I'm going to do this right. I'm actually going to have a little production value. Here we go. All right, fuck that.

I was going to try to go find the record, but I got my record stacked up. I got a... I'm not... I don't have fucking time, all right? But I'm still going to do it right here, okay? I actually, you know, I'm going to take this podcast to the next fucking level.

Can I ever type in the password correctly? Here we go. Here we go. The right music. Here we go. All right. Where am I? July 3rd.

July 2nd and 3rd. Las Vegas at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, Nevada. August 28th. I'll be at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe in Hollywood, Florida. Where else? September 3rd. Atlantic City.

I'm hitting all the dirt bags, sell the Casino Towns. I love it. September 3rd at the Hard Rock Live. And September 4th. Where next? Peace. The fucking thighs.

September 5th, Sunday. I'll be in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Las Vegas at the Wind Creek Event Center. I'll be in Kansas City, Missouri. A few barbecue eating motherfuckers. At the Starlight. All these dates will be up on the website, by the way. Oh, then look at this one.

You got to go to this one, man. I'll be at Red Rocks, Ampitheater. That's right. This stripper's dream came true. Denver, Colorado. Thursday, September 30th. I hope I got these right. No, that might be September 16th.

Yeah, September 16th. Sorry. All these dates will be right. Fuck it. I'm just going to tell you where I'm going to be. Fox Theater, St. Louis, Missouri. Mystic Lake Casino, Minneapolis. Where else?

Cobb Energy Center. Performing Arts fucking Center. Atlanta, Georgia. Suck my dick. Coca-Cola, Roxy. Atlanta, Georgia. Couple of nights there. The Terrace Theater.

Now that's where Richard Pryor did his Live on the Sunset Strip. One of the best special, arguably the best special of all time. And I lost all my dates. Where the fuck did they go? Did that make any sense? Half of those, the date of it. I'm playing all those venues, but I think I said the dates wrong. No one me.

I've got a few more. Terrace Theater in Long Beach. October 21st, I think. Or November 5th. I don't know. Wait, it says it up here how it goes. Date, venue, city. All right.

So the date is first. Jesus Christ. Just go to the website, people. I don't have the fuck to tell you. Where else will I be? Oh, one of my favorite towns. I'll be in Reno. The Grand Resort.

Sierra Resort Casino. That's in November. San Jose in November. The Center for Performing Arts. The Fox Theater in Detroit, Michigan. Chris Cornell's last gig, I believe, was there. Rest is Soul. Harris Resort, Southern California.

That's Valley Center. That thing's been rescheduled since fucking right before the pandemic. Indianapolis. Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? The Murat Theater at Old National Center. Three nights there. Oh. Then I got in Arizona.

I'm at the Arizona Federal Theater. Oh, it's going to be great. I cannot fucking wait. Cannot fucking wait. That's some, oh, that's nice shit right there. Oh, I forgot to tell him not to book me through. I'm going to tell him on the more dates in December. I like the fucking holidays.

But definitely I don't like Easter considering I forgot to fucking hide the eggs. I mean, what is that about, man? Jesus. It's just all over the map. A bunny. I know people have done bits about this, but fuck. You don't realize how nuts it is until you actually try to pull it off. All right.

Mandolin. Oh, so now you're going to blame a fucking bunny that lays eggs because you fell asleep Bill? You're right. You're right. Still a great holiday. It's a good story. What are you going to do?

All right. Mandolin Gloves. Hey, Billy, nine fingers. Google no cry, cut resistant gloves. You can find them on Amazon for around $10. They're basically Kevlar gloves and made to stop exactly what happened to you. You use them with sharp knives while grating foods, shucking oyster, woodworking, you name it. They're food safe and machine washable.

I have a pair and I don't mandolin without them. Dude, God bless you. God bless you. No cut, no cry, cut resistant gloves. I'm Googling those right now. No cry, cut resistant gloves. Oh, look at them. They're kind of stylish too.

Holy shit. They also look a little murderous. So if you have a bad relationship with your wife, I wouldn't put these on like she might grab a pistol or something. I'm just cutting some radishes. All right, fat jokes. Okay, fat jokes. Oh, Jesus.

Bill, you seem to spend a lot of time telling fat jokes. No, I think you just focus on the fact that I tell a lot of jokes. I tell a whole bunch of jokes. I talk about conspiracy. I make fun of banks, oil company. I make fun of fucking Apple. I make fun of fucking people on bicycles. I make fun of people that fucking post shit on Instagram and act like it's deep when it isn't.

I make fun of people who don't have a fast car but have a loud exhaust. What else? I make fun of people who don't wear masks or listen to doctors. I make fun of myself. I make fun of my wife. I trash women. I make fun of cats. I make fun of the NBA.

I mean, there's a whole bunch of things. But let me guess, you're a fat fuck, so now you're going to take this personally. Okay, here we go. Bill, you seem to spend a lot of time telling fat jokes. I think at this point, we all understand that you have no respect for fat people and even have contempt for them. You see how he dragged you all? This aspect of your brand is tiresome and shows a lack of creativity. I hope you move on with your life and create some new, actual, funny material beyond verbally attacking other human beings.

And what other human beings did you stick up for, you fat fuck? You only talked about yourself. Go eat some more cookies, you cunt. I hate cell, you know. Actually, that's kind of funny, a self-serving fat person. That's the problem. Anyway, maybe you had those T-Rex arms. No, dude, fuck you.

Look at all the goddamn ginger jokes that are out there. There's literally kick a ginger day. There's not a roll of fat guy down the hill day, is there? Go fuck yourself. I'm orange. I have no sympathy for you. I make fun of everything. That's what the fuck I'm supposed to do.

All right, so get out of your feels and get over it with a nice big fucking gallon of ice cream. Vietnam helicopter pilot. Hey, Bill, thought you would like the helicopter stories from Vietnam. Huey pilot, Colonel Matt Jackson on the Jocko podcast, episode 275. Oh my God, I would love to listen to that hat in hand. The whole podcast is interesting, but they for a while, I think you meant to say, talk about all different kinds of auto rotations and cool helicopter stuff around the 45 minute mark. Seems like something you would be into enjoying.

Go fuck yourself. P.S. your father. All right, cool. Awesome. All right, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. All right, here we go. What is the name of that? I thought you enjoyed the helicopter stories from.

I think it would have been nice. Oh, the Jocko podcast. Jocko podcast. 275. Colonel. Oh yeah, there we go. The relentless danger from the air in Vietnam with Huey pilot, Colonel Matt Jackson. To the fucking, and they were kids when they did it, the balls that they had,

the fucking balls. I get nervous that there's a crosswind tailwind or whatever. All right, woman president, Billy boy. I am a fan of Kenya and I am a fan of the podcast. Are you from Kenya? Oh, you are from Kenya. That's awesome. Being from Kenya, there is a country to the south of us called Tanzania.

The country's president has recently died and by law, the vice president takes over and she's a lady. Pause giving you a moment to freak out. No, I don't give a shit. There should be. There should be just as many women as there's got. Ideally, that's what the fuck they should be. And I just don't want to listen to the rhetoric that there'll be less war because women are somehow nicer than men. They're not.

They're not. It's just men have been oppressing them so they feel bad, but rather than giving them equal pay, they just throw a bunch of compliments at them. You're strong, you're brave, you're smarter. If you ran the world, there'd be no war. They're just filibustering because they don't want to give up their corner office, but it's all a bunch of bullshit. Women are just like men. Okay, it's very difficult to find a good one. After seeing this whole thing unravel, I remembered your old bit of if a woman became the president, we'll have the first male first lady.

That's right. And he's gone. Sit there and do some first lady shit. Just thought I could share the news with the podcast. I finished up with the old podcasts, which are episodes, apps, 2011 to 2021. I also found a website which has the phone podcast, 2007 to 2010, which are fucking awesome, especially those stories of getting drunk during an NFL game. I've also been listening to all your appearances on Opie and Anthony. Jesus Christ.

Went through my whole library and you were into a lot of conspiracy stories. Yeah, I was. I was. I was really, I was new to the internet and that technology. That wasn't. Actually, it wasn't. I was probably only known for 10 years. I was just an idiot back then.

And I imagine 10 years from now, I'll look back on me now and think that I was a fucking idiot, you know? Who knows? I don't know. I mean, isn't that part of life? You look back five years ago, but I can't believe I fucking said that. I was an idiot, right? And which is why going back in somebody's life to cancel them is fucking stupid because most likely the person you're canceling doesn't exist anymore. Am I going down the rabbit hole of all the Bill Burr stuff?

Love the comedy. Love the podcast and go fuck yourself. That's pretty cool. All the way over in Kenya. Well, thank you for listening. About the cardio doesn't burn fat guy. The shred. Yeah, that guy shredded.

Hey, Billion Burr, I heard you laughing at the guy on the advertisement who repeats over and over that cardio doesn't burn fat and thought it'd be relevant to tell you that the guy has been a known fraud in the fitness industry. Really? I mean, he's, he's shredded though. I mean, he's doing something right, doesn't he? He prays on the uninformed public by getting ads pushed on Facebook and YouTube and tries being a contrarian to the tried and true fitness advice of diet and exercise to get money for his bogus overpriced supplements and workout plans while being funded and controlled by marketing gurus who are out there to make as much money as humanly possible. And not to try getting people in shape. Well, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that's, that's basically most business models. I know you've pretty much called BS on the guy, but I just wanted to make sure all of your listeners knew the full story. Thanks. And I love the pocket, but you didn't give any exam. You just, what you just put out there was accusations. Okay. A YouTuber, Josh Brett made a viral video that got the attention from prominent fitness YouTubers exposing V shred for their shady business model. Oh, here's the video link below.

All right, I'll give you the name of the video. You guys can make up your own mind because I have no idea if this if the guy is actually telling the truth and this guy is his competitor and wants to fucking. Discredited. It's that we need to stop V shred. Let's see the comments. Okay, here's some of the comments. I can't see to escape V shreds ads on YouTube. That dude can talk for 45 minutes about weight loss and never tell you how to lose weight.

I swear fitness community is becoming more and more like the beauty community drama. That's all fascinating. Anyway, let's get back to it. Okay. All right. So I'm sorry. The name of it. Did I say the name of the video?

Or did I not? Where the hell was it? It's we need to stop V shred. All right. Girlfriend is too religious. Hey, Billy Redskin nut bag. My name is Carl. I'm a 27 year old guy who was starting to become annoyed at my girlfriend's religious behaviors.

It doesn't bother me so much that she is Christian for I also believe in God prayer and keeping true to a solid traditional set of moral values. It's just that her life seems to revolve around Christianity and her church. Her entire family is extremely Christian and all her friends are from the church. Well, Jesus Christ. You didn't notice this from the beginning. Was she acting like she wasn't religious? I mean, the last time she invited me to hang out with them was to a bonfire at the church where we were drinking apple juice and listening to Justin Bieber. Oh boy.

Well, Justin, I don't know. Well, doesn't Justin Bieber. I always get him confused. Justin Timberlake was the first one. Justin Bieber. Well, doesn't he sing around banging chicks? That's kind of weird, isn't it? I thought he did.

At least when he was younger. I think he's old now, but now he's, you know, he's wise beyond his years considering he made it when he was like 14. So you age and dog years as a fucking celebrity, I would think. Anyway, he goes, don't get me wrong. I didn't want to date a crazy, a crazy party, a crazy party going winch. I did want to date a nice morally responsible girl who was fun to be with just not with these powerful Christian undertones. She even invited me to go to the bar with her friends the Thursday before Easter. All right.

She said she told me they were going to honor the last supper by eating some food and by drinking cocktails. I looked at her and I was just thinking, are you fucking serious? I know she has her belief, but is there a good way of telling her to lighten up at the very least not to call me out on little stuff like using the Lord's name in vain? That actually pisses me off, especially when she does it around others or give me these long disappointed looks when my sense of humor runs over the topic of Christianity. Well, okay, I'm going to read the rest of this and then I'll give you my opinion here. I like her a lot. I'm just not sure if I can handle that amount of religious energy for the rest of my life. Much less have her turn my kids into nutless Christian geeks who go to youth groups every other night.

Oh, and how do I convince her that she is an adult? She drives home at 12 at night because she feels that sleeping over might be disrespectful to her parents and un-Christian like even though she will let me plow her 20 minutes before mass. No joke. Oh, Jesus. Well, so she's not all bad. I told her that it is a two-way street that you should respect her parents' options, but they should also respect your ability to make your own decisions. You know why they should? Because she is almost fucking 30.

Oh, please give me your opinion on the situation. Love you and good luck making another child. That is if Nia is willing to ever couple with you again. Look, she needs to be dating one of those people that goes to the bonfire and is excited to be there. I don't think, it doesn't sound like, I don't know how she started doing the Christian thing, but you said you like her a lot. Do you love her? Do you love her? You just have to decide.

You don't have to have any of this conversation with this woman unless you plan on marrying her. And if you plan on marrying her, then you got to sit down and just say, listen, if I stop my toe, I'm going to say, God damn it, or Jesus Christ, I am. And I don't need a fucking lecture from you. All right? You can stop short of saying, I don't think Jesus is coming back. You can stop short of that. You don't need to be a jerk. But like, yeah, she's going to want her kids to be super fucking religious like her, I would think.

So I would, I would figure that out. But I don't, I don't think it's a bad thing that somebody's that fucking religious anymore. I just don't. If it works for them and they're not hurting other people, you know, if, you know, I don't know, if I was a better person, I would actually go to a church every week just for the reminder to not be a complete piece of shit. I do like that aspect of it. I don't like the intolerance of it. The same way I'm liberal, but I can't listen to these extreme liberal people who cancel people for, for, for having a fucking just a thought that was different than theirs.

So it's like most things, you know, it's a group trying to do this for a good reason and then eventually spins out of control. All right, you're 27 years old, you know, maybe you just want, maybe you just get out of this thing. Okay. You don't seem, I gotta be honest with you. I don't think you love this person. I think you've hung around with them long enough that you have feelings for them, but I don't think you love them. At no point did you even say that you like this person. Love this person.

You just said you like her a lot. But I really think that you look, look, she's three years old and then you, she's, you know, she's an animal in the room. She's an animal in the rack. She's banging you and all this type of shit. Right. And you're having a good, you're having a good fucking time. And now you're like, okay, what am I going to do here? And she's like fucking the 700 club.

And, you know, that's not where you're at. So I think I would get out of this if I was, if I just, you know, and take this off with a grain of salt because I don't know you or what's going on. But just the way that was written, I just think, you know, you're having a good time. You guys are banging and whatever. But now when you actually think about taking the next step and getting a little more serious with her, you're like, Jesus Christ, my kids are going to be like fucking reenacting the last supper and shit. Instead of listening to AC DC. That's not what the fuck I'm looking for. You know, if I'm reading this wrong and you actually really care about this person, you want to marry him, then you need to sit down and talk to him and just say, listen, and you just got to lay it out there.

And just say, listen, I'm going to say whatever I want. I'm going to make jokes about whatever I want. And sometimes I'm going to make fun of Christianity. And I'm not going to raise my kids to be a bunch of church going sissies. All right. You're not turning them into like they're not, you know, if my kid stubs his toe and goes, oh, what the fuck? Jesus Christ. You know, I understand.

Watch the language, but not, you know, that's out of respect for us. It's not out of respect for this guy who said he was coming back and he never did. Okay. At this point, he's kind of like the absentee father for everybody, isn't he? Am I crazy? You don't have to go that far. You know what I mean. Yeah, I would just say, I would say that.

And it'll make the breakup a lot easier if you just, if you just tell her like, yeah, listen, I'm going to have kids, you know, but they're not doing this Jesus shit. So you can fucking forget that. You can forget that all fucking day long. Why can't I plug this fucking thing in? What the fuck am I doing wrong? Sorry. I always don't have any fucking time trying to do 50 things at once. That's what I do.

All right. You're 27 years old, man. You know, go on and get a 25 year old who never goes to church and have a good time, baby. Do whatever the fuck you want, you know, or stick with this one, but you got to tell her what's up if you're going to stick with her. That's it. All right. Cause you know what? She's doing that for you.

She's let you know what's up. Marry me. Have some Christian kids and stand around a bonfire. I see fire and I see rain. I see sunny days that I thought would never end. But I always thought that I'd see Jesus once again. You know, he's switching up the lyrics. No, I don't know what they do.

I've never been to some shit like that, but I can tell you right now I would be like, are they going to sacrifice a virgin? Like what the fuck is going on here? I need to get out of here. You know, I don't know, but I'm also an asshole. All right. That's it. I'm calling it right now. The Baylor Bears are going to beat Gonzaga.

They're going to beat them. I think UCLA showed people how to beat them. Right in the first half, not the second half. Let's say the first half. I didn't even watch the second half in the first half. You just fucking slow it down. They're the Kansas City Chiefs. Everybody's getting lulled into their game.

Stop getting lulled into their game. I don't know shit. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. I have a huge guest, a huge drummer guest on Thursday. I'm teasing it.

All right. Who has a brand new book out that is so fucking educational and amazing. I'm actually applying these study practices of it to try to get my instrument rating on my pilot license because it's all the same shit. All right. No, not all the same shit. It's just so genius the way he wrote it. All right. That's it.

I'll see you guys on Thursday.