Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-11

Episode Date: May 16, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about DC, The Pentagon, and famous Fat Heads

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, May 16th, 2011. Another beautiful week in the month of May. Has the nice weather hit you yet? Go outside, Cheryl. It's so fucking nice out. Oh my god, I was out there in my fucking flip-flops. I had on a wife, Peter. My fucking left titty was hanging out, right? And I went down. I went down to the fucking post office. I saw Kevin. I saw Mark. I am beyond punch-drunk. I'm in the midst of a two-week absolute fucking terror of a travel schedule. Basically, in 15 days, I have six flights. All right? I just paused there so all my travelers out there could just go, ugh, dude, what the fuck? Yes, six flights. Six flights.

It was seven, but then something worked out where I stayed an extra day when I was shooting an episode of Glee. I really hope you guys like my episodes of Glee because I was getting a little self-conscious with some of the shit that they were making me wear, by the way. And this is just an acting gig. This has nothing to do with me as a comedian, all right? So I don't want to hear, dude, you fucking sold out. It has nothing to do with my acting. I mean, my stand-up comedy that I'm on that show. All I can say is I'm glad that I stopped boozing because I'm not going to say I was wearing a half-shirt, but let's just say my shirt didn't quite reach my jeans. The sizes went a little bit small over there. But anyways, yeah, we were shooting out in fucking New Mexico

for that Pee Wee Hermit thing that we were doing. The Mexican Hat Dance little number there. This business is so fucked, right? So I basically, last week, I went LA to New Mexico, New Mexico to fucking Washington, DC, and then back to LAX. And like an asshole, here's a little travel tip for all you peoples out there. For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter, when you fly into DC, do yourself a favor, fly into Ronald Reagan Airport. Reagan. That's the one you want to fly into. Don't fly in to Washington, Dulles. Do not repeat. Do not fly into Washington, Dulles. I don't give a fuck how much you save. All right? It's a fucking $60 cab ride. It's like, it's, I don't know what to say. It'd be like if you were flying to New York City and you flew

into Islip instead at five o'clock and hit fucking rush hour. I forget it every goddamn time I go to DC every fucking time. And even as I'm landing, I'm going, yeah, it's kind of like a half hour cab ride. No. It's like a fucking 50 minute cab ride. And that's with no traffic whatsoever. So do yourself a favor. Do that. Fly into Reagan. You come right in. God damn buzz the fucking White House, you know, federal reserves right down the street. And you land, you're right fucking there, and everything is all good. But for the love of God, do not, I repeat, do not go to Washington, Dulles. It is a motherfucker. All right? Fly into Washington, Dulles, if you actually want to go to Philadelphia, that would be my suggestion. But other than that, it's a nightmare. So this week,

I got the second half of that episode. So this week I fly LA to Mexico, Albuquerque, New Mexico, and then I fly Albuquerque, New Mexico to New York City. I do four days at Caroline's Comedy Club, and then I fly all the way back across the country on Monday. All right? And then guess what? I'm fucking out in LA for a week, and then I'm on vacation. Vacation. Just like Axl fucking Foley. Vacation. I am on vacation. I'm getting my fucking Mumford fucking sweatshirt out, and fuck everybody. I'm going on vacation. All right? I'm going up to a goddamn lake. I'll put my little tootsies in the fucking water, hanging there with Nito and my fucking dog, and I'm not doing shit. I'm going to go on YouTube, learn how to fish, because I grew up

in the goddamn suburbs. I don't even know how to do that. So feel free to send me some emails. Dude, oh my God, you know how to fish? No, I don't. I don't. That's like me saying to you, whoa, you didn't know it was an express train? You fucking moron? Stay off the middle platform, you idiot. It's fucking easy, right? Is that a way to teach? Am I peeking on my levels here? God damn it. I swear to God, in this upcoming year, I am going to get somebody to help me with my mixer. By the way, speaking of which, if you want to send me any emails, all right, you want some advice from me, I don't know why you would. I know why you would,

because you're not going to take it, but you like the way I give out advice. You're like, wow, at least I'm not as dumb as him in my own fucked up way. I make you feel better about yourself, right? If you want to send me a list of underrated, overrated, and yada, yada, yada, all that bullshit, you go to themmpodcast.com and you send all the emails to that fucking thing. Is that what it is? Well, all the, all the, I don't know, all the shits on the M.M. Podcast. My fucking, the gentleman helps me with this podcast. He just must be tearing his fucking hair out right now. Just like really, Bill, how many fucking times have I told you what the goddamn email is? And you don't even have the decency to get, can you get it right one week? How about that? Can

you get it right one week? Well, as I'm looking this up, people, I have a new donation button. For those of you who are new to the podcast, my fucking numbers, I mean, going through the roof lately, which is making me feel good, makes me feel good about myself. I actually have a donation button, all right, whatever you want to donate. If you go to themmpodcast.com, it's on the right hand side. There's a button right underneath the, the Twitter and the Facebook button. And you just fucking click on that some bitch and you make a goddamn donation, whatever you want to donate. I don't give a shit. Actually, I do give a shit. Give me as much fucking money as you can. How about that? Oh, you fucking bastard. Where is this information? I'm the worst. I really am

the worst. Why do you guys listen to this shit? Is this, is this the fucking entertaining part where Bill makes you feel smarter? Huh? Fuck yourself. Whatever. Go to themmpodcast.com. I'm sure they have the link there. See, and I wonder, I have the balls to wonder. I have the balls to sit there and watch TV and be like, why aren't, why aren't I where that guy is? You know, because you disorganized Bill and you stutter. Other than that, you should be taking this business by fucking storm. All right. So what are we going to talk about this week? Let's talk about my fucking unbelievable weekend. I, I got to work with Jim Norton, Jim Brewer and David Tell at the Constitution Hall. I told you guys that Eddie

Murphy, speaking of Axel Foley and Mumford sweatshirts, he did Delirious there. Chris Rock did Bring the Pain, only two of the greatest specials of all fucking time. I got to perform on that stage, man. And I can't even tell you, I can't even explain it. It'd be like, you guys, you ever do that shit? You ever get, take a tour of like a baseball stadium and they let you down on the field for half a second. You can't fucking believe you're down there. It was the same thing. It was the standup version of that. As I was doing my set, I was kind of looking around the stage and I'm like, you know, ah, right there. That's where he dropped the microphone. When he said it's hot up here and somebody said, take your clothes off and he dropped the mic and laughed. Remember

that? Walking away. I could barely concentrate on my act. I had all I could do to not say goonie goo goo. Huh? Gus, your wife is a fucking bigfoot Gus. What a fucking, I think to say that just out of nowhere, just to see if anybody would have got it. But anyways, I had a great time out there in DC as always. Popped into the improv. I did a quick little guest spot. I saw my good friend from back in the day, Bob fucking Marley, beast of a comic that I started out with. And I had a great, I just had a great time out there. Everybody crushed as always. And we actually went over to the Pentagon, all four of us. And we went in there. We met a wound, the wounded warriors, the men and women over went over to Iraq and Afghanistan and got hurt. We got to talk to them. We gave them

some tickets to come out to the show. And I got to tell you something, meeting those soldiers, you know, everybody over there, just the way they look in the eye. Yes, sir. No, sir, all that. I don't think I've ever felt like such a piece of shit as a human being in my life. I was just like, I have no discipline. I just, you know, I don't sit up straight. These guys, they would just kick in my ass straight across the fucking board. And I really realized what a pathetically insignificant life I'm leading. These people are down there changing the goddamn world. All right. Living by like codes of honor. I don't have a code of honor. You know, what's my big thing? Don't fly into Reagan. Don't fly in the dullest salute to you,

America. You know, what a fucking bum. That's what I felt like a fucking bum. And I can't even explain those guys. They all, all those, all those soldiers, they all got that look in their eye. You know, it's, it's, I can't, I can't fucking explain it. They look at me. They could see it. Like this guy's soft. Look at him. Price sleeps still 10 in the fucking morning, rolling around his bed bitching. Oh, I gotta do a podcast. I honestly, I never felt so fucking pathetic in my life. I remember reading Arty Lang's book, Too Fat to Fish, and he had a caption underneath when he was on the plane with a bunch of soldiers. He said, here's a picture of a bunch of guys who were better than me. And I was like,

oh, Jesus Christ, Arty, the fuck. Now I know what he was talking about. I'm a fucking loser, everybody. So feel better about yourself this week, everybody. I guess compared to me. So anyways, it was great. We went there. We had a great show, and I want to thank everybody for coming out. And once again, I went on the road, everyone, and I'm, I'm, I'm fighting the battle against the bulge. And I'm not talking about my stomach. I'm talking about my fucking squash. All right. That, that's the big goddamn thing as a guy. If you want to age gracefully, all right, you got to make sure the poundage of your head, you got to keep it level. Remember last week, and I was telling you about

Ingve Malmsteen, how big his fucking head is now, and he's still trying to get away with wearing those leather goddamn pants and his booties. He looks ridiculous. He looks like a, he looks like a hoard up. Oh, what the fuck is her name? That chick with the big head from that show Fish way back in the day. This podcast sucks. You know what, normally I'd abandon it, but I don't have the fucking time because I have to catch 19 flights this week. So you know what, we're going to plow through it. I'm going to see it through like a fucking soldier. I'm going to soldier my way through this one. Another rock star. I'm just going to pick on rock stars. And next week, I'll pick on it. You guys can give me some, give me some actors that you've seen over the years.

Male actors whose heads just got fucking gigantic. Val Kilmer, Val Kilmer didn't do shit. He just fucking, you know, it was last time he had a salad. You've seen that hunk of fucking roast beef sitting on top of his goddamn head. It's unbelievable. Here's one for you, Brian Setzer. Is that how you say his name? The guy from the stray cats? I don't know what the fuck happened to his head. And I'll tell you who's halfway there is that Billy Joel guy from the fucking green day. You know, he's got the exact same build as that dude. It's the fuck, it's the worst. Both of them, full heads of hair. I'm jealous. But none of them. They're not, they're not having salads. They're out there on the road. They're eating the fucking, they're eating the potato skins.

That head just keeps getting bigger and bigger. That's why they switch every once they switch from playing like an SG or a Les Paul, they go to that big, what the, the ES 330. You know, I like the sound of the old Chuck Berry sound. No, you don't. You got a giant fucking head. And now it looks like you're playing a ukulele. So you got to go to a bigger guitar. I see what you're doing. Vince Neil. There's another guy. I saw them when they went out and they opened from Aerosmith like five years ago and I was just sitting there going, when did his head get as big as fucking Nikki Six? Nikki Six can have a big head. That guy's like fucking six foot four. You know what I mean? The fuck am I talking about? I'm talking about old people with big heads,

people. That's what I'm talking about. And I'm talking about how at some point you got to be man enough to eat a fucking salad every once in a while. That's the key. Just once a day, just go out, just get a fucking chef salad if you got to throw some balsamic vinaigrette on it. And for Christ's sake, eat a goddamn salad before you walking down the street scaring children with that goddamn jack-o-lantern sitting on your fucking head. You know, you want to win at paintball? You want to stop getting knocked out early in the game? You eat a fucking salad private. Jesus, age Christ. What the fuck is that on top of your head? Bullshit. All right, see, the head that fucking big, that right there is why I never joined the military.

There's no fucking way I could stand there and get screamed at like that. You know, then they'd slap the shit out of me, then I'd get a concussion, right? And I'd be like one of the, and then of course, you know, they make you come back too soon in the military. Forget about fucking NFL football over the years. You got to come right back. Put that goddamn beret on. Jesus, age Christ. Where'd they find a fucking beret for that fucking squash? Pick it up. Oh, it's at a toilet seat cover. You think it's funny? You think it's funny, boy? Slap me in the fucking head again. Pick it up. Dude, why do you keep knocking it off my fucking head if you want me to? There's no

fucking way. There's no way. You know, my ego would tell me, look at this old motherfucker, you know, skinny little guy with his fucking bird chest, huh? Your white chest hairs. You think you're going to yell at me and knock my little hat off in front of all these fucking people that I just met? Sorry. Anyways, this is the podcast for this week. And you know, it's, you know, it's funny about having all the fucking free time I do. I have all the, I only, I work every other week, people. I'm one of the laziest motherfuckers you're ever going to meet in your life. Okay? I'm sitting here right now. I'm doing this podcast at 437 LA time in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. I'm wearing pajama bottoms. All right, for people who like to meet me to paint a picture

and I got my little Tribeca Film Festival t-shirt on. That's what I'm doing, drinking a little coconut water, which one of my listeners said that he actually went out listening to and he felt, I forget how he put it, something about, he felt like he was drinking out of Momar Gaddafi's ass. I believe is that how he, that's how he described pure coconut water. I think it tastes delicious. Hang on a second. Oh, that's good stuff. Oh, that's good stuff. Anyways, so despite the fact that I only work every other goddamn week, I swear to God, anytime anything cool is happening in LA, in LA, in LA and I'm like, I'm going to go to that shit. I'm going to take a night off from this fucking business and I'm going to go to that shit every time it's always when I'm out of town

and this week is no different. All right? Listen to this shit. I'm down the club the other night. Minding my own fucking business. I want to go down there, right? I want to go down. I want to tell some jokes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And somebody comes up to me and he goes, dude, you're not going to believe what they have at the fucking LA sports arena. I'm like, I'm like, what? What's coming up? LA sports? I mean, when the fucking Clippers used to play, he's like, yeah, evidently they're doing some UFC fight. I swear to God, this isn't a movie. All right? This is actually real. You guys into MMA? You into that type of shit? Of course you are, right? Who is it? Who doesn't like to watch two guys with shaved heads just beat the living shit out of each other?

You know what I said one time when I was talking about that, like the UFC style of fighting, what I love about it is, I think I might have said this on the podcast. I can't remember. I'm going to blame it on all the altitude, my dried out skin from the fucking pressurized air. But when I watch those UFC fights and you see some, but you see those guys where they got the cardio. They're in ridiculous fucking shape. They can strike. They can take it down to the ground. They can submit you. They can knock you the fuck out. And that's what I was, you know, I always look at that shit and just be like, that dude right there on fucking rapable, right? Who's kidding who that that's the big thing? That's why you, you, you keep going in martial arts as a man. You want to be

on fucking rapable, you know? And why is that? Because my generation, when we first got cable, every other movie that was on cable, especially Cinemax always involved some fucking regular dude going to prison for a crime he didn't commit. And then, and then people try to fucking, they try to stick their dicks in his ass, you know? Then he's got to fight back and blah, blah, blah. And of course he always fucking wins except Shawshank Redemption, which is why that was such a great movie, you know? Because Tim Robbins, you know, sometimes he won, sometimes he didn't, you know? Jesus Christ, think about that. You know, the expression, hey, you win some, you lose some. No, we're going undefeated. But yeah, all those fucking movies, you know, always are about

that. So I said that, I said that to somebody one time ago, hey, those fucking guys, you know what those guys are? They're fucking unrapeable. They go to prison. I don't give a shit what you do. You come at them, stand it up. You come at them fucking, you try to shoot their legs, they'll fuck, they choke you out. You'll end up getting raped, you know? It's like when the lions go after one of those fucking, one of those buffalo and they're pouncing on and all of a sudden the thing just whips around and the goddamn tiger takes a horn to his side or the lion does and then the lion dies. And he's like, wait a minute, I thought I was killing you and then you fucking shank me. We got it, Bill. Fuck, we got it. Get on with it. So someone told me the other

day, I was saying those fucking guys are unrapeable. And this dude was like, nah, man, nah. Like, what do you mean no? How the fuck are you gonna take that guy out? And he said, listen, man, he goes inside. If they want to get you, they're gonna get you. I'm like, I go, well, how the fuck are you gonna get that guy? I didn't give a shit if you bought three guys at him. He's still, he's gonna fucking knock him out. Superman punch, a fucking knee to the head, rear naked choke and it's over. The guy goes, nah, you know, they, they put stuff in your food. They drug you. And I can't even, it just like, it just, it killed me when somebody said that. They put drugs in your food.

It just didn't even seem fits. I can't even explain it was like, I looked at those guys that they were fucking superheroes and it's like, really? Those guys would get fucked too? That's brutal. So I had to adjust my worship and just be like, you know what, all it's just gonna happen. It only happens in prison. But as long as you don't break the laws or get fucking blamed for some shit you didn't do, you are unfucking rapable. Jesus Christ, Bill, where is this going? I'll tell you where it's going. So that MMA shit, I've always wanted to go to something like that, right? So this guy telling me, he goes, this is what they're having. Not only how they're having this MMA fights down at the LA Coliseum, back where the old, the LA Clippers used to play before

the Staples Center. I swear to God, this is the matchup. It's cops versus cons. And once again, this is not a movie starring Snake Pliskin. This is an actual fucking event. They're having police officers fight ex-convicts, MMA style in an octagon. Tell me you're not fucking going to that if you're anywhere near Los Angeles. Cops versus fucking cons. This guy's telling me this shit. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I got to go to this. He's like, oh, it's fucking, it's May 21st. Of course, I'm at Carolines. So we here at the MMPodcast, we're like, you know something that sounds like some shit that if I can't go, my listeners would love to fucking go to. So I'm going to give

you the fucking information on this shit. It's May 21st, LA Sports Arena. It's cops versus cons. Go to copsverscons.com. Listen, and it's an all day event too. I'm telling you, I don't know why this isn't being filmed and put on HBO. They're going to have a bunch of music down there. They got fucking tattoo artists. I mean, it's just, it is a white trash. This is like the white trash Olympics. And then you get to fight the cop who busted you for fucking not paying child support. The hosts are Danny, uh, what are you saying? Danny Trao, the star of Machete in a tiny Lister who played Debo from Fridays. It just keeps getting better. So we actually contacted them, said, Hey, you know what? We want to hype this fucking thing. So he said, fine, let them know

where we're at. Go to the cops versus con.com. There's a bunch of different tickets, 30 bucks and up. You can watch cops convicts. I can't believe I'm going to fucking miss this. This is, I'm hoping this is going to be such a huge, a huge fucking hit that, uh, that I don't find that they got to fucking do it again because I don't know. But so basically the tickets are 30 bucks on up. And if you, if you buy the $100 ticket so you can get right down there and listen to them, shit talk or whatever, uh, just mentioned the M M podcast, the MMP and they'll give you a 25 bucks off it. So all it will cost is, uh, it just cost you 75 bucks. What the fuck is this? Did I give out the wrong website? I am really, I am the fucking worst. If I give out the wrong websites,

cops versus con.com, right? Oh, Jesus. Hang on a second. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me live on the fucking, oh, it cage versus. It can't be cage versus. It's got to be cops versus. Hang on a second. This is critical information. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is one of the, no, it's cage versus cons.com. All right. So I fucked it up. Go fuck yourselves. Cage versus cons. Cage versus cons. We'll have it all on the M M podcast. I am the fucking worst. Whatever it's, but it's cops. It's cops fighting former convicts and I can't believe I'm going to miss this shit. It's really bugging the shit out

of me. There's going to be a bunch of rappers down there too short, all these guys, and I'm going to miss it. You know, they should have got down there to fucking host it in character. Would have been fucking snake pliskin. Who's that guy hosted? I mean, who's the actor who played that? It's married to Goldie Hawn. Remember that chick? Private Benjamin. She was on Laughin. I remember looking at her going, you know, she's riding it out. Look at her. She's riding it out. She's keeping herself in shape. She's not going to go out and get some fucking a bad facelift. And what did she do? She went out there. She went out and she got a facelift. And now the best and nicest thing I could say about a face is it looks animated.

You know, I don't know if this is the right movie because I always get these movies wrong, but she looks like she's in finding Nimoy. Nimoy. Is that he say it? Nemo? I don't know guys. I watch sports. Okay. Go fuck yourself. Cage vs. cons. Please go down there. Buy the tickets. You can actually watch it live if you can't make it for you MMA fans around the fucking world. All right. They got a pay-per-view right there on the fucking website. Cage vs. cons. C-A-G-E-V-S-C-O-N-S. All right. I finally got a fucking right. You can watch it right on that goddamn shit. Okay. And there's rumor that there might be an MM podcast banner hanging from the fucking rafters. You like that shit? This is what I'm going to do on this podcast. The shit that I advertise,

I'm going to tell fucking stories, make you laugh, slide in the fucking promo, and it's just going to be shit that I believe in. I believe in cops fighting cons in the octagon. I think that that's how they should settle it. You know, on the side of the road, when they do that shit, where they, you know, they show the video from the state troopers thing, you know, the state troopers car, and all of a sudden the regular traffic stop turns into a fucking eight-year sentence for assaulting a police officer. There ought to be like some sort of signal. That means not only do I disagree with you pulling me over, I want to fight you in an octagon. You know, you make some sort of gesture, and then he gives you a police escort,

you follow him right over there, and then you guys go at it. You fight in the octagon, and if you win, you get no ticket. You get no ticket. Hey, and look who just came walking in. If it isn't my lovely girlfriend, how the fuck are you? What are you talking about? What am I talking about? I'm talking about that, that, that MMA match that I'm going to miss. Which one? It's called Cage vs. Cons. It's over at the LA Sports Arena. I swear to God. Oh God. No, it's cops. Is that one of these Monday, Monday, Monday? Yeah, that's exactly what it is. No, but it's, it's, it's cops vs. cons. Real cops vs. real cons? Oh yeah, you gotta go. No way. It's not real, is it? You know what you

sound like? Because I'm actually doing advertising. We sound like we're doing like, like I'm selling some hunk of shit late at night. And a new promotion? Yeah. That knife can cut through a can? No, it can't. No, I swear to God. What do they got down there? This, this is some of the matchups. It's like officers, somebody versus somebody else. And it's this white dude. These are not real. Like, they can't be real cops and real cons. There's no way, because this is LA. They're actors. Yeah. No, officer Gonzalez vs. notorious Rick Slayton. Well, you know, Google Rick Slayton, is he? No, I'm not doing that. I already did this shit. I already, I already fuck. You want to see it? You want to see this guy? This guy has the,

he's a white guy, right? Shaved head. And he's got those classic I'm a racist tattoos. Like, he's got like, you know, go fuck yourself slash I love Hitler on the top of his head. I'll show you this guy. Cage vs. cons. Cage vs. cons? Yeah. And then it's the exact Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Listen to this shit. Here we go. Saturday, May 21st. Come witness the event of the year. Cage vs. cons. 10 pro jaw breaking MMA fights at the LA Sports Arena. Main event. Cop vs. con. With hip hop performances by E40. Psycho realm. Too short. Too short. Oh, dog pound. See, there's something there for everybody. That's actually pretty cool. You want to,

you want to get a tattoo that you're going to regret. You know, a little tramp stamp. They have tattoo stuff going on. What else? What other shit? What is it? What is it? I'm telling you, you're not going to be here. No, that would actually be fun to go. And then we could review it. Speak it to the mic. There you go. We can review it for your listeners. No, I'm actually sending lawhead and Sam Tripoli down there. Hopefully. Sam Tripoli. Yeah, it was going to be Bartnick. I was going to send my Rose Bowl crew down there. Oh, that's a great idea. It is. Sure it is. No offense boys. I love you. I'm going to start doing, I'm, they're going to start doing remotes for me at some of these things that we're going to

start. I'm telling you, I'm taking this podcast to the next level. I love it. So I have my funniest drinking buddies who are also comedians and Bartnick's just out of town. He's gigging, but I'm going to have lawhead and Sam Tripoli is going to be the stand in and they're going to go down there. They're going to be drinking and they're going to be, they're going to be, you know, hopefully interviewing some of the, you know, high class people like myself who would be going down there. I can't believe I'm not going to be in here for this, but anyways, Nia, you've stopped by here and we're going to, we're going to do a little passing promo here. What are we going to be doing tonight? Okay. What am I going to go see with you? Cause I haven't been in town for the

last couple of days. So you guys probably wondering how do you keep it going? How do you keep the magic going? You know, you know, you know, you keep the spark. You fucking annoyed the shit out of me today. What do you mean? You know what I mean? I was talking about earlier when you, you kept putting off that vibe that you would, you were annoyed by my general presence. No, I was not. Present. Yeah, you were. I was just busy. Yeah. You know, I wanted to, I wanted to get up in the morning. I've been on the road for like five, six days and I'm thinking, oh, she's going to, I thought you were going to kiss me like that chick who kissed that dude in Times Square when the war ended. That's what I thought was going to happen. You haven't been gone that long though.

Oh Jesus, it's over. It's over. No, I just, I wanted to get up and go to the farmer's market and I had to wash my hair. I had a whole thing. The only time that you should have been mad at me was the, was after I'd already annoyed you like five times and at one point you were in the shower. Did you say annoyed me how many times? Like five. Okay. I just want the record to show that you admitted that you annoyed me five times throughout this whole course of mourning that you're supposed to be. Well, you think you're not fucking annoying? I didn't think this was about me. I thought it was about you. No, it's about you being, being a jerk this morning. This is the only thing I will admit that was wrong was when you were in the middle of showering and I came walking in with the

cold cuts and I said, Hey, smell this chicken. Does this smell like it went bad? I'm in the shower. I love taking like baths and shower. It's like my whole relaxation. People like being clean. Get to the fucking point. Yeah. I like using fancy soaps and I'm in there, you know, enjoying myself and who fucking barges in the bathroom opens up the shower stall, shower stall door, thrust a package of old ass lunch meat in my face practically. It's like, does this smell funny? I'm taking a shower. Okay. What are you doing? I'm trying to shower. I have a bad sense of smell. I know, but you could wait for me to come out. I have a really, I have a really bad sense of smell. Well, I'm doing my episode of glean a couple of days and I don't want to get a some Nella. I don't want to get fucking.

Yeah. Well, if you, yeah, but see, right here, still, really, until I came out of the shower, whatever, we're going to see bridesmaids tonight. Yeah. This is how I'm Kristen Wiig and my root off. This is how long I've been out of town that I actually agreed. She goes, do you want to see bridesmaid tonight? Now, of course my brain was like, no, it's produced by Jed Apatow. Okay. So is he in it? Is any of the, he's never in it. He's the director. All right. Well, he didn't direct the movie. He produced it. All right. Well, any of those other guys in it. I don't know. I haven't seen it and fucking Paul Rudd and those guys. It's just going to be a bunch of broad. It's just like slapstick. My big fat Greek wedding. Is this what it's going to be? Put it like this. Jud Apatow

produced this movie. So whatever you think that it's going to be, think about the fact that he produced it. I think is the idea. Oh, all right. You take a sip of your big mug. Have a big mug full of wine. Really? You got a big mug full of something. Have you answered questions from? No, you want, you want to do you want to do an advice one? Yes, I do. Okay, we'll do an advice one. And then, then that'll be, that'll be the a little needy segment here for the fucking week. Let me see if I got one that actually involves men and women. Men and women like I'm not going to see enough fucking broads tonight in the goddamn movie. If there's, if there's one period joke, I'm walking out. I'm walking out. Does this make me look fat?

If somebody cries for no fucking reason, it goes, Oh my God, I love you guys. You know that's happening in act three. I'm walking out. All right. I'm letting you know I'm getting up and I'm walking. I'm storming out and you won't even hear me drive away because we have a hybrid supportive of the Saturday night live people. I am supportive. You think they want to do that fucking movie? They need the money. I haven't seen it. So actually somebody told me it was fucking hilarious. All right, where am I here? All right, here we go. All right, Bill, one of my best friends has been going to church for years and previously it has never bothered me at all. I grew up Catholic and like so many Catholics, I got raped. No kidding. I no longer, I no longer

attend church, but it doesn't bother me in the least if someone else wants to go. This guy is the exact mindset that I am, except I make fun of people who go to church a little bit, a little bit. A few months ago, my friend started asking me if I would like to go to church with him. Gay. I politely, I politely declare that that's, that's a gay thing to do. And I don't mean, I don't mean, Nia, how is it gay to ask someone to go to church with you? Because you're both going to be wearing sweaters. You're going to be singing songs. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. You're going to sit there and sing with your fucking friend wearing a sweater, and then the priest up there, God knows what he did, is going to be like,

he had a beard and some long hair and he cured a leper. None of you guys can do that, so you better give us some money. Hallelujah. You are not making fun of mass right now. It's not like sacred to you. It's nothing sacred. There are some things that are sacred. Like what? None of that horseshit, that uggily boogily. It's not uggily boogily, it's a hymn. Well, it's like a call and response. I'll tell you what's sacred. I'll tell you what's fucking sacred. Who asked the question? Now you're getting the answer toots. I'll tell you what's sacred. What's sacred is how you go out in the playoffs. The Celtics went out with heart. We still lost our fucking, we still got our asses kicked. We still got our asses kicked. We still got our asses

kicked. All right? But there was no quitting that team. All right? That's fucking sacred. What's sacrilegious is what the fucking Lakers did. And I'm at disrespect in the franchise. I'm saying what the couple of those, and it wasn't all of them. It was really what Bynum did. I didn't think what Odom did was bad. All right. Can you just finish reading the question? Jesus Christ. Really? All of a sudden you're dictating it? You asked me why. So he wants to go to church with me. With him. I repeat, gay. I politely declined. Dude, I'm not doing that shit. Stop filling in the blanks with your own commentary. Why? That's not a part of the letter because you're presenting it in a biased fashion. Just read it and then give your opinion.

See this shit? This isn't a classic fucking broad. It's like I've been doing this shit for four years and you're telling me how to run it. Nia, you have no idea how many moron guys are gonna send in hate mail because of that, because not because you're a jerk, because some other... Well, they're morons. So I don't give a shit. Jesus, this is fucking elitist attitude. Since then, my friend has told me he feels it's his mission to spread the word of God. Stop saying it like that. And continues to ask me to go. They got him. He drank the fucking Kool-Aid. Now he's a zombie. And as time passes, he's getting more aggressive with his sales pitch. That means he's probably reaching out and like touching his hand.

What started off with him just slipping it into casual conversation has now led me to receiving text messages that say the following. This means more to you. This means more to me than you know. God has poured out love to me and he is reaching out to you also. Ignore a few months, but there is a lot at stake here. Wow. Yeah, no. He's buying into that. Jesus is coming back. And this time, he's not fucking around. This time, it's personal. So he's buying into the rapture. Yes, I got it. That this hippie is gonna come back on a stegosaurus and just start killing people, killing people. What they say is fucking wrong. He's gonna come back wrath. One of the deadly sins. Judgment is mine.

Set it the Lord. He's the son. He's the Donald Trump. He's got the fuck. He's got a comb over at this point coming out of heaven. He didn't make that money. He didn't make the fucking world. He's just a loud jackass. Hey, fuck, fuck, you know, whatever. Cast me into the fucking pits. I don't give a shit. You know, you think I want to hang out with you in heaven forever? Just go, isn't this awesome? Yeah, it is awesome. Can you please finish the letter? All right. What started off? Okay. So here we go. To be to this, I replied, honestly, it's it, if it's my choice, I don't want to go. Please stop asking me about it. I don't know how many more ways I can request that. There you go. Okay. He responded with, I'll hold off, but know this,

God loves you and will not quit if I do. Okay. Well, then there's no reason to hit me two times. Let's just let God do it. All right. Anyways, here comes my question, Bill. Why does this fucking piss me off so much? Why do these, why do these cults do, what do these cults do to these people? He's involved with the church that people do joke around with and call a cult. What would you do if you were me at this point? I don't even want to talk to this guy because these conversations are infuriating me. Yeah, I would, I would cut this guy out of your life. Yeah, it's, it's, it's annoying. This is why you feel that way. No, but this is his friend. This is his friend. This is his friend and he wants to get him out of the cult. So the thing is, is if you go to him and you try

to get him out of it, you're just going to drive him further into it. So what you do is just say, you just stop being friends with him, you know, and hope that that'll help because they're not going to go out of that. Then he's not going to leave it if you ask him to leave it. Yeah, I don't know. You never, you never know. But yeah, he needs to just cut him out because yeah, there's no, you can't, unless he wants to spend the rest of his time with this guy debating Catholicism or whatever, which I'm sure he doesn't want to do. Then yeah, he should just cut him off. Personally, I would still hang out with him. You would just so you could get into debates with him. No, and I would just do unbelievably satanic and annoying shit. That's a good idea.

I would. Maybe you should do that. I would always have like shout at the devil playing, you know, or maybe just that beginning cheesy thing. You'd invite him to a restaurant and it turns out to be like a strip club and see what he does. Yeah, but you're going to see the titties on the outside, gentlemen's club. That's true. No, I wouldn't do that shit. I would just, I would hang out with him and hang out with, I would keep saying that I want to get involved in the church and I would keep going to events and as they were going, you know, I just feel so filled up with God's love. I would then be like, you want to talk about filled up. I fucking jerked off into this chicks mouth. I'm telling you, William Burr, she had a big bass mouth and I don't know. Maybe

it was a couple of days since the last time I fucking, you know, let him lose. But I right up to the brim. She was a champion. She swallowed. I'm sorry. What were you saying? This is why you're going to hell. Oh, why don't you pray for me? I will. These fucking people, these people. Yeah, all, all those, all those things are like, uh, they're just there. I don't know. It's, it's, it's a cult. It's a fucking cult. I mean, if it works for you, you know, I think they just like wearing those old clothes. You know, it must be nice to drive a bicycle. You were never an altar kid banging against the fucking seat when you were growing up. Did you never, I was an altar boy. I was an altar girl. Yep. I was an altar boy. Yeah. That's the name of my, my, my, my new

book. I was an altar boy. Yeah. And I remember I used to do, I'd sit there and I would ring the bells. Yep. You know, did you ever have to do the incense where you have to take that ball that's on a string? It looks like one of those medieval torture devices, you know, yeah, I was, I, you know, the ones I did that chick. I was so bored and mass, you know, I wanted to be involved. I wanted to get up on stage. I wanted to say something. Attention whore. Yeah. But you don't get to say anything when you're an altar boy. Yeah. I had one priest who used to do the fucking homily. Then he would ask, he would give us a lecture about some shit about the, the, uh, uh, I used to Cranians or whatever, the Christ

of Cranians. These, you know, these fucking people from a long time ago, he'd be giving you this speech and you're going, Oh God, he's going to ask me questions on this. And he would be like, he would just be doing the homily. And then when he'd be doing the homily, he'd just be like, and Mr. Burr, what is it? Blah, you just start quizzing. And the fucking crowd would be laughing when I fucked up the jokes and not the jokes, the, the questions. And I loved it beat the shit out of sitting there standing kneeling doing all that. And, um, and I really bought into it when I was younger. I really bought into it and I thought it was good. I thought it was the right fucking thing to do. And, uh, then I got older and I started reading and I traveled and I realized

this is just a bunch of bullshit. And, uh, I read into the history of the church and I was like, wow, these guys aren't exactly, uh, what they say that they are. You know, it's kind of like a lot, like Taco Bell. Who doesn't like Taco Bell? Then I do my little shoot out there in New Mexico. And, uh, there was some big strike they had out there because they're not paying any of those fucking workers that picked the goddamn tomatoes that go into them. Okay. Okay. Did you go to, uh, Catholic school? When did this become inside Bill's studio? Did I go to Catholic school? This whole thing is inside Bill's studio. I didn't know if you running your yep for like 90 minutes. No, I just went off on like a monologue for five minutes. You just go

and go and go. Uh, no, I was asking because I went to Catholic school. So yeah, it's a whole thing. It's too complicated to get into, but yeah. So what was that? That's it. That's it. That's why you stopped the whole put. You know what is the, you just like talking into a microphone. I do. That's what it is. It's fun. Okay. Well, listen, I have to get on with the podcast here. Are you kicking me out? I'm not kicking you out. I'm asking you politely to leave so I can go back to running my yep. I have to finish dinner anyway. Good. Thank you very much. Yeah, everybody. Thank you for coming by. That segment was brought to you by my balls. All right. Uh, all right. So I read that one. Here's another one. All right, Bill,

just to give you some background, I'm a 36 year old Asian woman. I read this one last week, but the fuck is wrong with me? Um, I wanted her to send me a picture. You know, anyways, Bill, uh, first, thank you for the laughs on your weekly podcast. Beepadapadupu. Um, all right. I want to come, I want to comment on your drinking. By the way, today marks the seventh month. I have not boost. You want to stand what that means? I am closer to a year that I am to not a year. All right. That was for those of you out there are not good at math. You don't realize that there's 12 months in a fucking year. And, uh, I don't know when it's going to happen, but when it does, when I was in the Pentagon, I was thinking about drinking because I went

into their gift shop. Yeah, they do have a gift shop at the Pentagon. And you know what else was awesome? No one there seemed to know how many floors there were. They said there's rumored to be like another five below the ground, but nobody really knows. You know, I'm sure, I'm sure the, uh, one of the big generals were there. I'm sure he knows. I don't know what happens when you get all the way down to the bottom layer, like who the fuck is down there. You know, but it's a bunch of bankers. I bet there's like an underground subway from the Federal Reserve right over to that lower level of the Pentagon is a little office in there. And, uh, that's where the people from the Federal Reserve go, uh, when they want to yell at the president and the president comes over on

his little private subway because it's also close together, right? He comes over and then he sits outside their office all fucking nervous, like ringing his hands, going, Oh God, did I, did I not say it right? Um, anyway, so let's fly ahead here. Bill, I want to comment on your drinking. And if anyone could stick with any kind of schedule, oh, when I asked if anyone could stick to any sort of schedule, because I've been thinking about going back to drinking and just like one day every month, just getting actually absolutely hammered, having October Fest every month is basically what I'm thinking about. Oh, I know what I actually, I forgot. So I'm in the gift shop at the Pentagon and they had these, these drinking glasses and they had this giant one that had the

Marine Corps, um, shield or insignia, family crest, whatever the fuck you call it. And the second I saw it, I was like, I want to fill that up with some beer and have like nine of those. Um, so anyways, uh, I asked if it was possible to do something like that. The guy said, I just turned 25. Uh, and I've never had a sip of alcohol. Smoke cigarettes are taking any kind of illegal drug never not even by accident. And it's been, been by choice and nothing religion affiliated. My friends slash coworkers also poke fun of me for not, um, often saying that they'd be able to get me to drink at least one. In general, everyone has the same reaction. Jesus Christ. How do you unwind? You must be boring, et cetera. Well, anyways, I guess that what I'm saying is it is

possible to not drink with all the opportunities out there that are in the world and the stress of life in general. It could be possible to get it, to get it at least, to at least get it down to drinking only one day a week. Um, congrats on your streak and if not drinking it. Thanks for the last. Um, well, that's different because you've never drank. I wanted to hear from a drinker. See the thing about you is you've never opened Pandora's box. And I've said this before, but it's, it's, it's very easy for my, for me not to do heroin every day because I never did it. So I don't know what I, I don't know what I'm missing. You know, I've never gone to Vegas and just actually called one of those whores and hadn't come to my room. So when I go out there, I never

think to do it. And then I don't feel like I'm missing anything. But the thing is, is when you do shit like that, when you've done it, when you've lived that life, that's when it's fucking hard. The other night I was driving home from the fucking, the fuck was I coming from the comedy store and I was just sick of being sober. I was just driving going, I want to get fucked up. I just want to do it. This is, this is, uh, this is getting ridiculous. I'm, I'm actually sick of thinking clearly. I can't explain it. It has to do with that shit though, because I know how fun it is to get drunk, you know, and I haven't had any embarrassing things happen in seven fucking months. So I forget how stupid it is, but, um, god damn it.

The only reason why I'm not drinking is because if I don't drink and then I try to beat this streak, I got to start all over again and go seven fucking months. Ah, Jesus Christ. What the fuck am I talking about? I don't even get, I don't even know. Let's move along. Let's, let's go with underrated, overrated for this week, everybody. Bill, new fan of the podcast. I'm going to skip all the ass kicking, ass kissing. I've noticed you do a lot of overrated, underrated. So here's mine. Overrated bars. Speak of the devil. Bars. I just turned 21 and I'm starting to check out the bar scene. What a fucking joke. A bunch of drunk tool bags and filthy hoas, as you would say. What happened to sit around

drinking with your friends? I'd rather have a beer with some close friends than go to out to a crowded bar filled with people I want nothing to do with, uh, spending all my money on watered down drinks. Anyways, keep doing what you're doing. You're the man. Thank you. Um, all right, dude, you go out to the bars if you want to try to get laid. That's basically the only reason why to go out and do it. Other than that, you're absolutely right. If you're of legal drinking age, just buy some booze and go home, go to a house party, watch a game with your friends, cook out, have a great fucking time, uh, play the music at the level you want to play it at. But the reason you go out to the bars is because of the who is, it's because of the ladies. That's why

you go out to them. Plus they have a larger selection of the booze. But, uh, dude, you're only 21. I mean, I don't know. Maybe you're really mature. You can be one of those people who's like married by 23 and has a kid, you know, in a fucking wheelbarrow. You know, I finally learned how to say that. I thought it was wheelbarrow, like roll out the barrel. It's Barrow. And I don't even know why, but that's what the fuck it is. Um, I'll give you an underrated for this week. Um, underrated would be, uh, the kinks. I just downloaded some of their music. They're fucking ridiculously underrated. Um, I know that they get credit. They sort of get like half credit. They kind of get lost in the wash between the Beatles and Led Zeppelin. And I don't know why. I don't know why, because

as far as I can tell, those guys can write you any type of song you want. Great lyrics. They can write about heavy shit. They can write about light shit. They could fucking rock. They can actually do a ballad that isn't fucking cheesy. Actually downloaded, uh, give the people what they want. I bought that on vinyl when it first came out. And you know what? It still holds up. Still fucking holds up to me. And actually with my guitar playing skills, I can figure out some of the songs. Um, all right, we're getting to the end of the podcast here. Um, what was the last fucking thing I wanted to tell you guys? Oh, wait a minute. I got two big topics to talk about. One, uh, Bruins vs Tampa Bay Lightning. Um, how the series went, the first game, we lost three to

fucking whatever. It wasn't three to one, but it was like emptying that bullshit at the end of the game. But like, that's exactly what I was afraid of. And I, you know something, I'm so sick of these fucking non-hockey towns having great hockey teams. You know, it's a fucking waste. It's a, it's a fucking waste. It's like having a boat and you live in the middle of Nebraska. There's no reason to have a fucking hockey team or that amazing hockey team. They're a fucking great team and easily the best team we've played and come up against so far. They're just a great fucking team. And I easily think that those guys could win the Stanley Cup. Our guys on the other hand, I don't know. I think we got a shot, but like Tampa Bay,

I think Tampa, if I had to put my money on it, I picked Tampa Bay because Vancouver and San Jose, they're too fucking inconsistent. They'll play like lights out fucking hockey, three games in a row, and then just fucking, Hey man, let's make it interesting. And they'll lose like the next fucking two, three in a row. I don't believe in those, those teams. You can't fucking do that. Eventually that kind of playing is going to bite in the ass and considering they're going to knock each other out. Everybody thinks the champion's coming from the west. I got news for you. It's coming from the east. And I swear to God, if Tampa Bay wins their second fucking Stanley Cup during the time of this Bruins drought, that white trash piece of shit city that nobody goes to, you know,

it's like one level above Jacksonville. More people go to Orlando than go to Tampa. People go to Miami. They go to Fort Lauderdale, bunch of fucking rednecks go out to Daytona for the Daytona 500. We start with the fucking Super Bowl, Super Bowl NASCAR driving baby, right? Nobody goes to Tampa. I was, you know what I was doing yesterday? I was, I was tweeting, Twittering during the fucking game, and all I was doing was just shitting on Tampa, just shitting on the city, trying to annoy people. And of course, people are taking it seriously, which makes it fun. And I said, Tampa, that's the type of city you go to when you like abandon your family, you know, or you just got divorced. Just, there was, you know what, there was a life-altering moment

in your life where you just got kicked so hard in the balls, you've just decided to say fuck it. That's when you, you move to a city like Tampa, you've quit. That's what Tampa is for. Tampa is for quitters. And all you people down there with the brand new lightning fucking jerseys are even worse, the free fucking t-shirt that you got from the local radio station. All right. No wonder you finally fill in the arena. You finally want to see what a winner looks like. Isn't that what it is? Through all those fucking years of losing, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a bunch of fucking losers, the fucking devil rays, huh? Devil rays, just like your lives, Tampa Bay Onians, just like your fucking lives. Oh, I think it's going to end. No, it isn't.

You had to put three balls through the hoop to win the teddy bear. You lose. Virginia's for lovers. Tampa is for losers. There's no fucking way the hockey gods are going to allow this to happen. Even though you have way more firepower than us, and you got a great goaltender, and you're playing your 131 that you didn't even show us in the first fucking game, go fuck yourselves. Do you know the strip mall was invented in Tampa? It was because they were too fucking stupid to know how to enclose a mall. You know, they'd start to build an enclosed mall, and then you know what they do? They fucking quit. Then they were just left with this weird looking structure.

You know, like what kind? Well, it's sort of a mall. What should we call it? Well, in tribute to all the whores that live here in Tampa, we'll call it a strip mall. You know, all these fucking cracked out whores walking around, half a fake tent hanging out, some fucking eight year old kid still breastfeeding on it. You know, I know you guys think I'm being harsh, but this is the shit you see down in Tampa. They don't deserve the lightning. I think that's when you know your city sucks is when one of your teams is named after weather. You know, I really shouldn't say that because the thunder just fucking

advanced to the Western Conference finals. Huh? Look who's watching hoop. Now I could watch hoop because the Lakers are out of it. I love it. I fucking love it. Truly enjoy it. Truly fucking enjoy that. So anyways, I flew Virgin Airlines on the way back from Washington, uh, dullest everybody and, uh, like a smart son of a bitch, I got there like two hours early and I show up and computers are down and this is fucking gigantic fucking line. And it was an absolute nightmare trying to check in for the flight. And it was so bad when I got to the gate, the captain was actually helping people get seating assignments. And at one point, you know what he said? He goes, well, you know, he goes, this is how it was before computers.

And nobody blinked an eye when he said that. This is not the way it was before computers. This is how it is now because of computers. You fucking moron. Jesus Christ. When you used to go to the airport, you just walked up. You walked up to the, you stood in line, but you fucking walked up. And you just, you gave, you gave me information. You had your fucking ticket and you went through. Didn't take two hours and then another hour at the gate to get your seating assignment. You fucking idiot. I lost all confidence in that guy and his ability to fly a fucking airplane at that point. And then I got on there, right? Virgin Airlines is weird. They got like this,

this club lighting, you know, like this Jersey shore sort of look on the plane, you know, like, like there's going to be cum stains on the seats or something, but it was actually a very enjoyable flight and they have new airplanes. And I highly recommend that airline. The guy gave nice smooth fucking landing. They had all kinds of video games and movies and all that type of shit. And you know what I realized? I don't think I've said anything funny in like fucking 20 minutes. What happened to this podcast? Everything was going great. Dude, I'll tell you what it is. You're not boozing and drinking fucking coconut water, dude. That's what it is. Huh? What are you going to do next to have a giant cucumber and fucking swallow

it whole? You're fucking queer. Um, all right. Is that it? Is that it for the podcast? Dude, my fucking dog smells like a fucking dog. I just gave it a goddamn bath. I don't know what's going on. You know what it is? I've been hiking a lot lately. Have I lost enough edge for you? I don't booze. I drink coconut water. I'm recommending eating salads and I go hiking every day. And I have a beard. Okay. That's just right down the checklist of complete fucking pussy. What's the matter? You calling the dog in? Oh, cause it's all windy out. Yeah, we have a vicious pit bull that's afraid of the wind. Cleo, come on in here. Look at walking with a head down low. Oh my God, what's going to happen? Cleo, come here. She's truly freaked out. Look at her tail between her legs.

Cleo, are you okay? No, I can't pet you in this moment. This is something I learned from the dog trainer. If I pet you right now, when you're all freaked out, you're being rewarded for being freaked out. Jesus Christ. Look at the fucking thighs on you. You've been hiking with me, huh? All right. You know what? Fuck this podcast. This is the end of the podcast, everybody. My predictions. My predictions. I like... All right. We're going to go with my heart first. Bruins. Slaughter. The fucking Tampa Bay Lightning. All right. We're going to win that in... My fucking dog is standing there shaking right now. Cleo, what are you doing? All right. The Bruins are going to win in... Actually, for some reason, I think six games. The Bruins are going to win. That's

my heart talking. My brain says Tampa in seven. Let's go across the fucking lake here. I like... All right. This is the deal. What's weird in the sports world right now is San Jose and the Dallas Mavericks are both not choking. There's no fucking way both of them are going to win a championship this year. One of them is going down. And I don't think it's going to be San Jose. I say San Jose beats Vancouver. I think they finally fucking pushed through this year. Joe Thornton is finally acting like a captain. I think it's going to happen. Both teams are very streaky. Roberto Luongo. I don't know if he gets the yips. They're going to be in trouble. I'm taking San Jose in the fucking west. San Jose in the fucking west. It's probably going to be

Tampa and San Jose. I hate to fucking say it in the goddamn finals. The Bruins make it to the finals. We're going to win it. Ah, it gives a shit, Bill. No one gives a fuck about your goddamn predictions. Yeah, well, I do. I do. Do I give a fuck? I give a fuck enough about you that you're driving to work right now. This is an hour in. You're almost at work, aren't you? Thanks to me. You laughed. You giggled. You had a good fucking time. You spilt your coffee. You dropped something in between the seat and the console. You reached down for it. You stopped short. You broke the bridge of your nose and you're still sitting there laughing. Cleo, you have to fucking relax. All right. You're freaking me out.

Cleo, hey. Ah, Jesus Christ. That dog. I swear to God. Yeah, you. You're retarded. All right. Basketball real quick. Um, as much as I love Oklahoma, I got to go Dallas. Dallas is going to make the finals and, uh, all right. Tampa's going to win the cup and I hate to fucking say it. No, Mavericks will win. I got a bad feeling the heat are going to go to the finals. I'm rooting for Chicago. I love Dallas and I love Oklahoma. I got to go with Oklahoma because fucking, uh, I love Durant and I also like, uh, Kendrick Perkins and, uh, yeah, and that's it. And that's the podcast and the whole fucking thing just whittled down to a goddamn halt. All right. What are we going to do here? How about I hit my dates and then we're going to get the

fuck out of here? Huh? Would you guys like to hear that? Have you shut this fucking thing off yet? God knows I would have. Um, here we go. Cage verse cons, everybody. Check out that fight. And, uh, what do I got coming up this weekend? I am at Caroline's comedy club, everybody. How about we go out with a little bit of music as I whore myself out like those fucking broads down there at, uh, in Tampa. All right. Here we go. We're going to, we're going to read some dates here. Let me turn this down here. All right. Bill Burr, check me out at Caroline's comedy club May 19th, May 20th, May 21st and May 22nd. I'll be hanging out afterwards wearing sparklers, shooting out of my titties.

I will be selling my new DVD. Let it go. I will sign your titties. I will grab your wife's ass if you like. I don't give a fuck. I got two shows for Thursday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday and one show on Sunday. That's how it's going down. And after that, I got, I got one more anti-social tour in June on, uh, that doesn't mean the tour is over. I just have one, uh, one date. Yeah. I'm going to be at the Chicago theater, anti-social network. Go to anti-socialcomedy.com June 15th, 2011. This is part of the Chicago comedy festival. We will be showing our hit short film sheet. Oh yeah. I'm going to be out there. I'm going to lie to people and tell them that I directed it and say that joke,

Jota Rosa was difficult to work with and that Bobby Kelly bought a hairpiece. That's what I'm going to say. Oh, very special, very special. Let me bring the music down. Let me bring the music down here. The final date on the, on the, uh, on my, my June schedule, I'm going to be doing, uh, the Greg Geraldo benefit, uh, rest in peace. Greg Geraldo, one of the great comics I ever saw. Um, you know, he's got a wife and he's got kids and we're going to raise some money for him and it's going to be an un-fucking-believable lineup. A testament of how much we all love Greg and, uh, and what a great comedian, what a great comedian he was. And it's going to be June 29th at the Wiltern theater. Uh,

that's on, uh, what the fuck is that? It's down on Wilshire and, uh, corner of Wilshire and Western in, um, Los Angeles. So please come out to that. All proceeds, obviously going to his wife and his kids and, uh, it's going to be a great thing. And, um, just come on down. That's the podcast for this week. I thought, I hope you guys all had a good time. I hope my dog stopped shaking. She's sitting here panting, freaking the fuck out. So you guys probably wondered, what do you do with the dog right now? When your dog gets like that, don't pet it because you're rewarding it going, yeah, I want you to be freaking out. You don't want to do that. What I'm going to do is I'm going to get up off my age and I'm going to take it for a walk

and just get that energy out of her. And then I'm going to bring her fucking back in and act like nothing happened when she's chilling out. I'm going to spoon with my dog for the rest of the night. The stinky goddamn pit bull that she is. All right. That's the podcast. God bless all of you. Thank you for listening. Uh, if you're in LA, please for the love of God, because I want to know what it's like. I want to hear feedback. Go to cage verse cons.com. You got to go down there, get yourself some fried dough, get a tattoo while you listen to two short Snoop Dogg and all these other motherfuckers who are going to be down there and then go in there and watch some MMA, MMA fights and the headline fight is going to be a real police officer

versus a real ex con. It's going to be fucking awesome. I can't believe I'm going to miss it. And thanks to Jason Lawhead from men are talking podcast and I believe Sam Tripoli, they're going to be down there. They're going to cover it, cover it all for the M M podcast. That's it. You guys go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. I'll talk to you next Monday. You need from Pase and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And check out the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be. That is it from Albert Heijn.