Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-2-11

Episode Date: May 2, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about mother's day, Bruins/Habs, and mooches.

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I wasn't going to call. Information and information on Proximus.be. Proximus. Think possible. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 2nd, 2011. How the hell are you? This is a landmark week for me in my career and in this podcast because for the first

time ever, I'm actually, I have an advertiser. No bullshit. I have an advertiser like a real live radio show on this podcast and I know what you guys are thinking. You're probably like, oh, Jesus. He's got advertising. So what does that mean, Bill? Does that mean you're not going to use the word cunt anymore?

No, it does not. Does that mean you're going to tone it down? No, it doesn't. All it means is that it continues to be fucking free for you cheap motherfuckers. No, I'm kidding. Not cheap. Just financially challenged motherfuckers. You're still motherfuckers.

You're still fuckers of mothers. But anyway, so this week, for the first time ever, I do have, I'm going to have some advertising and I'm actually working on some t-shirts and that type of thing. I'm trying to take this thing to the next level. Maybe you have a merch page, whatever the hell I got to do. I appreciate everybody who's gone on to the MM podcast page and clicked on the donation button. I appreciate it.

I really appreciate it. So with that, this week, my one and only advertiser, the first ever legend. This is one of these legendary moments in the podcast. Like when I switched from yapping on my phone as I drove down the street and I actually got a mix. This is the first advertiser. You're probably thinking, hey, Bill, what are you going to do? Are you going to advertise some booze? Are you going to advertise some weed?

No, I'm not. I'm actually going to give a lot of guys out there a little bit of a heads up. Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday, isn't it? I don't know. I didn't look it up. I think it is. See, this is what happens every Mother's Day, right? Who doesn't love their mother?

Serial killers, right? Serial killers don't love their mothers. Everybody else, you love your mother, right? But as much as you try every year, what happens? Mother's Day sneaks up on you. And all of a sudden Saturday night, you're out drinking a couple of beers, a couple of fucking pale ales, and all of a sudden somebody mentions it. You know, the waitress with the fucking cleavage hanging out.

She'll mention, oh yeah, tomorrow, you know, you're trying to pick her up. What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we should hang out, go play fucking horseshoes or something, you know? My brother's got a cottage up in New Hampshire, dude. She come up there, and then she's like, I can't. I'm spending time with my mother's tomorrow because it's Mother's Day. And then what do you do? You go, oh fuck, it's Mother's Day.

So what do you do? You run down to CVS, you know? Any port in a storm. You run down to the local drugstore, and you go and you try to find a fucking Mother's Day car. But by the time you get down there, there's only two left, right? What do you got? There's the fucking one that has like a fart joke on it, and then the one that's so affectionate, it's borderline incestuous, right?

So now what do you got? Now you got a shitty car, the fucking envelopes are all creased up, they're laying all over the fucking place. And your mother can see it. When you hand it to her, she can see it, it's not a good car. It's just like, you motherfucker, I carried you around in my fucking home for nine months. I raised your brat ass the entire fucking life, and this is what you do. You get me the goddamn leftover car that nobody wanted.

It's CVS. You couldn't even go to Walmart and get me a shacket to go along with it. All right, well I have the solution. This is a classic thing for guys. My sponsor this week is proflowers.com. All right, so all you got to do is, you want me to read their copy, rather than tell my silly little story? Hey everybody, Mother's Day is around the corner,

and ProFlowers always has great specials for radio listeners, exclamation point. At proflowers.com, you will find huge selections of gorgeous, gorgeous Mother's Day bouquet starting as low as $19.99, plus you'll get a free vase with any floral purchase. Isn't that great? You get a free vase, you know, just lay it in her lap like she just ran the fucking Kentucky Derby. You know, at that rate, you can get flowers for all the moms in your life.

Your mother, your grandmother, your sister's mother. That didn't make any sense. Your girlfriend's mother, anybody, any broad in your life, if you want to send flowers, this is the website you go to. All right, if you want to call them up, and you can get this shit out of the way, so you can watch the games, the playoff hockey, and the NBA, all that. Call 800-PRO-FLOWERS and mention the Monday Morning Podcast,

Bill Burr, say my name so then I get credit, or better yet, as they say, go to proflowers.com. Click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner. That's a big thing. When you go to the website, there's a microphone, right? When you go to proflowers, and you just get the upper right-hand corner, it says, hear about us on radio or TV.

Just click right there, then you type in the password, which is my last name, B-U-R-R. Pick out some flowers, bang, zoom, they fucking send it right to your house. You hand it to your mother. You take out a ukulele, you get down on one knee, you sing her a song, and you're done. The next thing you know, you guys are both drinking booze. Right, there you go. See, wasn't that painless?

Told you a little funny story. I read the copy, I got it out of the way. So seriously, guys, if you want to order those things, you know, if you want to do it, go to proflowers.com. There's a microphone right in the corner. You click on that, you type in the password, B-U-R-R, and I'll actually get the goddamn credit. All right, there you go.

And with that, let's get on with the podcast. All right, it was like old school. The host of the show was doing it, like in the 1950s. You know, this is the Crest toothpaste hour. Hello, folks, are your teeth falling out of your head? Did you not notice because you've been in a mind for the last 20 years and you don't belong to a union? Thank God for Crest. It's got fluoride.

Soon to be in your drinking water, so you're a lot more elacid, lackadaisical, however you say the fucking word, and you're less likely to question authority. I am in New York City, people. You're probably like, why, Bill, why are you in New York City? Why, me and Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly, you heard last week, we, our film debuted

in the prestigious Tribeca Film Festival, and I went to two of the screenings. I'm going to another screening tonight, and I got to tell you something. That is the most nervous I've ever fucking been. I'd have to go back to the first time I did Letterman, or maybe the first time I even did Stand Up. Just the feeling of, like, what if this goes bad

and I have absolutely no control if it does? And fortunately, it went well, and I got to tell you something. I don't say this too often. I was really proud of, I was proud of it, you know? I knew we didn't pull any punches, but when I saw it, watching it with the crowd was a whole different vibe.

Plus, watching it up against some of the other movies, you know, I was really nervous because their movies were, they were great, and some were really serious, and I was just going, oh my god, what the hell is ours going to hold up against? And fortunately, it did, and we've had a great festival, and tonight is the last night,

and I got to tell you people, I have never been more tempted to booze since I quit boozing than this goddamn week, but I got 200 days coming up, I didn't want to fuck that up, and then once I go over 200 days, that's it. I'm just going to fucking, I think I'm just going to pull myself out, you know? Like Cal Ripken, I'm just going to say,

alright, tell what this shit, you know? Fuck it. What more do I need to prove? It's not like I have a drinking problem, I just have a huge head problem. Do you guys know that that's really the real reason why I quit? Not because I was getting drunk, coming home,

blaming my day on Nia, slapping around on a kitchen table, and then later taking out a fucking frozen box of peas and putting it on the side of her fucking left titty, because I gave her a fucking uppercut, right? That's not why. It's because I already have a giant head,

a pumpkin head, as some of the people on the internet have said. Which always makes me giggle. That's why I quit drinking. I just got sick. There's something like, look, who's kidding who? You hit middle age, and I don't give a fuck. You just don't look as good.

But there's no reason to help it along. You know what I mean? It's pure vanity. That's why I fucking stopped. And you know the deal. You know, in the broads, they fucking hit middle age. They've squeezed out a couple of fucking kids. Now they resent the fuck anybody who has free time. You know, because they made a decision

to take a hot one right between the fucking legs. You know, that was your choice. I want one. I want to have a kid. They're so cute. And then they have one. And then they're a bunch of fucking... It's Mother's Day this week, everybody. Let's not lose sight of that.

This is gonna go bad. Oh, Jesus. Um... Yeah, mothers are just... There are fucking pains in the head. There's another reason to go to pro flowers. Just give them a bouquet and shove it in their face. You regretted your decision

and I'm a fucking reminder of it. So anyways... I'm already picturing profilers, people listening to it. That's just such... Is this groundbreaking way of selling flowers? Because it seems weird to me. Um...

Anyway, I'm talking about how people age, right? So what do women do? Then they have a couple of kids and they're so fucking goddamn busy. All right? Not only do they not have time to do a sit-up, they don't even have time to fucking wash their hair anymore.

So they all go out and get that Wayne Gretzky haircut that he had when he got married, you know? All short on the side, like Adolf Hitler. And then they poof it up on top. You know? The Katie Lang. They get that haircut. And they're like, Oh, that guy, I love it. I love it. It's so easy to deal with, right?

Not knowing that when their husband bends them over, they feel like they're fucking a dude. You know? A dude with tits. Right? That's what you feel like. So that's how they age. You know? And then what happens with guys? Guys age

like John Travolta and Alec Baldwin. It's very rare that a celebrity will actually just continue to fucking eat booze and do what regular people do and just allow themselves to age the way regular people do. You know that shit? You know that deal where you, uh...

I don't know. You eat like a pig all summer and then it comes the winter time and you take out your button-down shirt and you got a t-shirt on underneath it because you don't want to sweat your way through it because you're such a fat fucking booze bag at that point. And then you just, you don't even notice.

And all of a sudden, for some reason, it used to be you could only see your t-shirt up top near your neck. Now you can see it in between like each button because the fucking fabric of your button-down is stretched so goddamn far. That's why I quit boozing. I had, uh...

Every year I buy like four or five button-down shirts and those are my... I'm gonna headline for an hour doing comedy shirts, right? And they usually last me a year, but I had this one. I didn't even notice. You know, because you, you know, you put on a couple pounds a week, you don't fucking notice.

All of a sudden I was taking pictures and the button that was right, you know, between my mantits the fabric was just... It looked like the shirt was gonna explode. So that's basically why I, uh... That's why I quit the boozing.

So I recommend it. I recommend going off the sauce for a minute. Um... So now what I want to experiment with as far as my boozing. And I want to know if anybody tried this. I'm gonna drink one day a month. And when I do,

it's gonna be fucking epic. I'm gonna get it all out of the way in one day. Beer and whiskey all at the same time. Giant chalices of fucking booze.

And then I'm gonna hate myself for like a day or two. And then I'm just gonna get on with my month. Has anybody been able to do that? Cause I tried doing that last time. And then it became twice a month, three times a month. And next thing you know, I'm doing a fucking keg stand and my face has turned red.

And I'm just like, what am I doing? You know? But I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I just have a job where I can booze. You know? What's the worst that happens? I show up hungover and I bitch about how I'm a fucking loser.

And then everybody laughs cause they feel better about their lives. Like he's doing worse than us. This guy's awesome. So let me know, if you guys out there, do you have any sort of... Do you have any sort of, I don't know, like, has anybody been able to do that? Like just say, I only drink Saturdays.

Or I drink one Thursday a month. Has anybody been able to stick with that? I don't know. That's my thing. I'm afraid to go back to it. Cause I was really, I was looking like... Well, I don't look like a Baldwin, but my torso did.

You know, I had the Baldwin torso. I had the John Travolta torso. You know? A Ted Kennedy body. I had that shit, by the way. Bill Maher was in Rolling Stone this past week and I read it and he said how, you know, he just sticks to weed.

And they say he not like alcohol and he basically, I'm paraphrasing here. He said he loves it, he said, but as a guy after a while you just have to stop drinking or you end up looking like Ted Kennedy. And that's fucking true. Especially as a white dude you get that W.C. Fields nose. Hey, my little chickadee.

You don't want to look like that, alright? You get the yellow eyes, you get that fucking jaundice. Oh, God, but I miss it. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So anyways, I was talking about my... Can I say anyways? Anymore fucking times on this podcast? Another thing

that went on this week is we had the second anti-social comedy network show that we did up at Fox Woods in a 4,000 seat theater and we actually sold the thing out. I was absolutely blown away

by not only the amount of people showed up, but how great the crowd was. Everybody was talking about it. For those of you who are on the outside the anti-social network tour is put together by Jim Norton. Little Jimmy from the wonderful Opie & Anthony radio program.

He put together this tour. It's me, Jim Brewer, David Tell, and obviously Jim Norton. And we've been selling a ton of tickets and it's been great. Everybody does 20 minutes. We come out, we hit you with our best stuff and we kicked the shit out

of that crowd and they were just a great crowd. They laughed. You could bring them up, you could bring them down. They were just a phenomenal crowd and then we just do a little question and answering afterwards like 5 minutes and then we whore ourselves out afterwards taking pictures signing shit and everybody goes back to gambling

and it was just this amazing theater. I was actually talking to Brewer because I had this fucking upper deck and we immediately started talking about playing Whiffle Ball and about whether or not we could hit the upper deck from the stage, man.

It was just close enough where it was a nice fucking poke but Jesus, that would have been a great time except the people who run the theater would have thought it was obnoxious. You know? Look at these guys. They get to tell jokes and play Whiffle Ball. What the fuck?

What next? They can drink every night? But I want to thank everybody who came down there and if that tour interests you, we've been selling a ton of tickets down there in Washington, D.C.

We're playing there on May 13th. So get your fucking asses down there. Alright? Look at it. It's a goddamn recession. You get four comics for the fucking price of one. I am just whoring myself out on this podcast. ProFlowers.com now I'm hyping the tour

before I've even brought you an hours worth of comedy. How fucking dare I? Look at me. I'm becoming a corporate cunt. Everything. What do you guys do if I just totally fucking sell out on this podcast? I stop saying cunt.

I actually build a cubicle around my bed. I change the name of the podcast. This is brought to you by the Halliburton Monday Morning podcast that we do every day now because the higher ups are making us

Hey, do you know Halliburton actually changed their fucking name? That was a weird way of saying um I was working down in Houston, Texas and that's where they have at least their United States headquarters and they used to have this giant sign as you went to

George Bush International. Go fuck yourself. I love the Illuminati airport down there. And they had this giant sign down there that would say Halliburton and they had such a bad public image that they actually made the sign a lot smaller and they kept making it smaller and then now they've just finally changed

their names to like grandma's cupcakes or something like that. Something just completely pedestrian. You know what's funny? I don't even know what they do. Isn't that typical? Isn't that just typical of some whiny fucking cunt?

I have no idea what they even do. What do they do? As far as I know this is my layman's understanding of what they do is basically they say to the Pentagon well you guys blow it up

and then we'll rebuild it. We'll get our contractors in there you know and we'll build a little strip mall, we'll stick a starbucks in there and everybody's gonna want to be American.

Everybody's gonna want, you know how fucking fat I feel right now? I just went to a steak house and there was these fucking real housewives, chicks sitting up at the bar. These four white ladies you know just dressed like whores.

I'll tell you right now if you're a mom and you still dress like you're out there trying to get fucked you're just a terrible mother you know and they should really they should repossess your fucking kids. This is just gonna all be about mothers this week as I try to get you to buy flowers

you know what are you doing with your tight fucking jeans you know your fucking goddamn hip-hugger jeans goddamn C-section scar just above your bedazzle belt for fuck's sakes put some clothes on

you're a mother it's over you know do you know I worked with someone recently right and they were fucking they mentioned that they had a kid so I'm always asking about kids because I'm seriously thinking about having one

sticking them in the corner next to a vase you know just just adding to like my possessions I'll have my guitars I've got a couple of guitars what else do I have I don't know a lot of shit

I got a desk I'll stick them between the guitars and the desk just have them under there and like you know when you have like those cakes that they have under glass at diners I'll just have a fucking baby in there every once in a while it usually I'll lift the lid off I'll just fucking put it back over

give it a bottle knock it off hey knock it off is it awake and I'll just just tap on the glass that's really creepy no I've been thinking about having a kid right so I ran into this mother after a show

and she was talking about her son and she looked young right she was like 30 31 years old and I go I go how old is your son she goes 11 and then she mentioned she had a daughter how was your daughter she goes 13 so I do the math she had him at

18 and 20 and I was just like Jesus Christ you started young huh she winks at me she goes yeah got it out of the way she goes now it's me time I'm just thinking in my head what do you mean me time they're 11 and 13

you know that's why I really think it's a good thing that I haven't had kids yet because I'm a selfish cunt and I'm really into doing shit for myself and there's just a lot of people out there I don't know I think they just have kids

and then they they stick them in front of the TV watch a little teletubby and they're just bad parents and then every once in a while you see a great fucking parent who's really involved with this kid like this YouTube video that somebody sent me this week this guy sent me a YouTube video

of his 7 year old son as a drummer this kid is the shit not only can he play because I've seen kids play before but he actually sings along with the song and he has a look of passion on his face you can watch all these videos by the way on theMMpodcast.com

the only thing I will say to this to the dad is you got to get that kid some sort of you got to get him earplugs you got to get him those those Vic first earphones that he just put looks like the kid's going to use a weed whack I just have him wear those

it'll seem weird for the first couple of days but I'm telling you the kids ears are going to be fucking junk if you let him play without earplugs take it from me I suffer from tinnitus or tetanus however the fuck you say it and that's that ringing in the ear but you know there's nothing better than when you actually see

good parents and I get nervous that I'm not going to be a good dad and whenever I see whenever I see a bunch of fucking women who are mothers just dressed like they're out there looking to get banged it's just like there's no way

you're a good mom you can't be a good mom you're dressed too nicely you know moms look they wear comfortable clothes they have that fucking look on their face like Jesus Christ

what did I do with my life that's a mom you're not sitting down there with Ed Hardy panties on and then going oh yeah my daughter just graduated the seventh grade really the fuck are you doing what are you out here riding on the back of the Harley

with your goddamn ass crack showing you're not a mom right there you ought to get a warning you know you should get a warning dress like a mom get the fuck out of here sitting here drinking your goddamn booze in the middle of the day

with your bra strap showing the fuck is wrong with you lady am I wrong thinking that am I just being selfish because you know when I become a dad I still want to have a cool car I don't want to have that fucking van I want to have a car that's cool

and my kids aren't allowed in it and when they ask me why I'm going to say because at your age you're still a fucking animal look at you you got Cheerios all over your face you got ice cream on your fingers I don't even remember you having ice cream what is that shit you think you're going to get my dodge fucking

challenge I'm just going to have one nice car that's going to be for me and Nia when we go out and we get a sitter right that's the let's pretend we don't have responsibility car

and we'll go out and have a dinner and come back in a couple hours and then we'll just have some shit fucking van a shit van with those fucking NASCAR Formula 1 seatbelts that crisscross in front of you both for safety and also so those little bastards can't get up

you know I still think I'm going to be a good dad despite the horrific shit I'm saying right now somebody sent me a grade oh by the way my special is still streaming on Netflix by the way I want you guys opinion I'm thinking the next time I do a special

I'm sending my special directly to Netflix because I think when I send it to channels where they have commercials that censor it you're not getting the full on ignorant bill burr experience are you you know if you really want to see the level of moron

that I am you have to have the uncensored version so I'm thinking that that's the future I'm loving it because people who watch Netflix they seem like they're getting the real special to me which means they either absolutely love it or they think I'm the dumbest person on the planet

with that let's get into advice this week this podcast is going to be a little shorter than the recently I've been doing like an hour and 20 I think they're too fucking long so I'm going to try to do about an hour come right in at about an hour you know that's just long enough for your commute oh before I read the advice that I tell you guys

I'm working I'm trying to work on my temper now that I got the booze under control and now I'm going to work on my temper see this is me slowly giving into the fact that I'm going to get married at some point I can't even say that I'm going to get married that I'm going to get married at some point I'm going to have kids

alright first thing I had to do is I had to stop drinking like I was pledging a frat that was the first fucking thing I had to do you know although when I have kids I'm going to be really tempted at the end of my long work day doing absolutely nothing as a comedian

you know not to just pour that scotch with the one fucking ice cube in it I don't want to do that in front of kids maybe I'll have a shed out back and that's where I'll do all my boozing right and then eventually you know I'll think that I'm fooling everybody and then I'll have a bottle in the back of the

fucking half bathroom in the basement you know in the back of the toilet and then everybody will know I'm boozing and then eventually when they have the intervention will be out there in that shed and they'll think he's doing a documentary and I'm going to be fucking sitting there

walking this is what I do most of my drinking and I'll be all noble about it I never do it in front of my kids you know my kids being everything to me you know eventually I'm going to stop

right and then I can walking in there my whole disappointed family is going to be sitting there next to a bandsaw and I'm a stubborn Irish motherfucker I'm not going to rehab, go fuck yourselves you go to rehab oh we're all walking out good

more booze money for me um I don't know what the hell I'm talking about right now have you guys been watching the playoff hockey congratulations to everybody's team who moved on to San Jose Sharks

the Detroit Red Wings who would have thought who the hell are they playing out there Kings are out, Ducks are out oh Vancouver Vancouver and then over in the east who won, jeez I don't know

who won series last week Tampa Bay Lightning Washington Capitals Philadelphia Flyers and I think that's it oh wait a minute oh jeez I almost forgot the Boston Bruins

beat the fucking fucking fucking Montreal Canadians oh was that enjoyable what a tremendous series round of applause for playoff hockey it went seven games like you knew it was gonna and I thought it was a tremendous series

although I was a little disappointed with certain members of the Montreal Canadians with that bitch level of hockey that fucking hammerlick jeez Christ I thought he was in some

fucking slapstick movie what was he doing out there any time you went fucking skate the wind of you skating by the guy would just fall down how funny was it when what's his face the Bruins announcer I can never remember his name whatever

he goes hammerlick goes down like he was shot get up I'm not a fan of that over the top sort of fucking announcing but that was so fucking called for when he said that it was fucking ridiculous but uh

but it was a phenomenal series and I knew it was going seven games and I was hoping we were gonna win I'm not even gonna talk shit you know I'm not even gonna talk shit whenever you play the Canadians even if that team sucks they take them to the next level it was a fucking awesome series and uh

that fucking subon guy man is the shit that guy is a star and I love the way he plays the game I even love that annoying shit he does I love it he's a gamer he's just trying to knock you off your fucking game by being a cunt I love it and he can play the game and that fucking goal

that he scored to send it into overtime was that was just a fucking laser beam but I gotta tell you there is some sort of unwritten NHL rule that if the Montreal Canadians are down by a goal in a deciding game I don't give a fuck whether you committed a

penalty or not you're gonna be short of man they just I mean how many fucking years in a row can they do that for that team it's ridiculous wasn't it enough that for all those fucking decades they got first shot at every French born Canadian player wasn't that enough

that they got they had their own draft pool in a 16 league they're so fucking overrated with their goddamn history and I love that when Bruins fans talk to him now all Canadian fans have is their history what's what's the historical playoff series record

yeah that's right go back a quarter of a fucking century since the last time you dominated us you fucking French cunts you got nothing you haven't dominated us since 1987 it's over it's fucking over now if you want trashes for not winning a cup I don't

have a dog in that fight we're fucking horrific it's pathetic we haven't won in one in almost 40 years you're a hundred percent the right but if you're gonna try and sit there and act like you're in the way you're not go do your fucking homework there Frenchy alright

we've played you guys 11 times since 1988 we've beaten you seven fucking times you have four and seven against us we beat you in a seven game series we beat you all three overtime games and last time we played you we swept you won the last two games at home so I

don't know what the fuck you're talking about and Dan Shaughnessy you lazy motherfucker if you're not going to watch hockey stop writing about it you know that son of a bitch when we won in game seven he still figured out a way to shoehorn in the curse of the babe horseshit that he always

writes about there's nothing funnier than watching Dan Shaughnessy write about hockey he knows nothing about it he started bringing up Johnny pesky you know Ted Williams Bucky Dent the man can only write one fucking story if there's not a ghost

a goblin or a specter in it he doesn't know how to write the fucking article you know it's fucking ridiculous why don't you address the real problems Dan Shaughnessy like how the Bruins resented free agency not only didn't didn't play the game they fucking resented it they didn't want to

fucking pay anybody why don't you talk about that well the Canadians drafting first pick of every French born Canadian player why don't you bring shit up like that as opposed to sounding like you're pitching a show to go on after ghost hunters oh somebody get that guy a hot comb and a fucking

book on goddamn hockey alright let's plow ahead here um advice advice for the week um oh wait I promise these guys I was gonna read now they've said 20 times I promise that I was gonna read this thing three times

during the podcast so we're at the halfway point everybody open yourself up a beer go sharpen a fucking pencil at your cubicle or whatever the hell it is you do there once again people Mother's Day is this Sunday alright don't be a douche just go to proflowers.com

click on the microphone in the upper right hand corner when you type in the code uh write B U R R so I get credit on my podcast and just order some flowers you get a vase you get the whole damn thing and then all you gotta do is take her out to the IHOP you know you get her some pancakes

what is she like Eggs Benedict you know just do something like that or have you fucking broad do it but this is the thing look if you're a lazy bastard and you want to look like a good shit this year you could bang it all out you go right to pro flowers

buy some for your mother buy some for your girlfriend's mother and buy some for your grandmother alright then everybody in your life with a vagina can shut the fuck up for a clock seriously you know what I mean guys we don't like to shop I should really stick to the copier

Mother's Day is right around the corner everybody and pro flowers has Mother's Day bouquets starting at $19.99 visit proflowers.com click on the mic click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in my password B U R R get her a bouquet of flowers get her a goddamn vase

send it to her tell her you love her she's only going to be around for so goddamn long you know it I know it you should be doing this every damn year every fucking year alright you go there you take her out to Denny's you know pour a pour a bowl of cornflakes

at that point if you got the fucking flowers and the vase don't be a cheap bastard on this one you got to get the vase too like I said don't lay it in her lap like she just rode a fucking horse okay you get a vase you know women love shit

alright and vase it's just another thing oh my god he got a vase with it he really does love me alright that's the commercial at the half hour see look at this look at this I'm getting the information in I'm keeping it funny I'm still saying cunt this is phenomenal

alright advice for this week dearest Bill my entire life I've jumped from one long relationship to another oh Jesus at the right age of 30 I've started to see a pattern good for you there you go that's right you've seen a pattern

now see people this is how you improve your life rather than blaming others it's like being a comedian how many times can you bomb and say in this crowd sucks at some point you got to look at yourself you got to go to the mirror and look at your fucking booze bag

freckled face like me a few months ago and say listen I got to lay off the booze and I got to work on my act here so this is what this guy is doing exactly you keep pulling fish out of the same poison pond and you're getting tired of it good for you sir here's the pattern he goes I start

when I start dating a woman she's dolled up she's in great shape she's fun to be around she's always willing to go the extra mile by doing little things to show you she cares and she's willing to explore enjoy and share my interests

alright starting off a little myopic she dresses nice and likes to do the shit I do alright after a few months or to one year she dolls up about 50% of the time she's still in good shape she's fun to be around she's willing to explore

and share my interests one year on little by little things start to disappear she dolls up 10% of the time she's an average to pudgy shape she's fun about half the time and she's only willing to share interests that are already

developed oh so she doesn't want to do any new things each girl seems to stray further and further away from their month one personalities at different rates yet it seems to always stray away into the negative zone oh it never gets better

I again find myself in a new relationship things okay so he gets out of that one one year in I again find myself in a new relationship things are fan-fucking-tastic I'm living the dream yet I find myself terrified oh so I guess he's in a new relationship

when will she stop dolling up when will she stop being easy going when will that little pouch start to grow above her belt I'm jaded and scared Bill does the month one girl ever stick around am I doing something to turn these perfect girls into comfortable

couch potatoes I don't want to see another one transform what do I do I know it's human nature to get comfortable comfortable sooner or later to be able to function as a normal human being it's impossible to keep that one month girl around but can't they just stay in the one month

a year category do they have to go beyond the one year always far and he said okay am I ready to get Bill burned people like that one I figure what the other one was it was wait I got it here at the top of the page

ginger or ginger snap those are my catchphrases everybody alright let's plow ahead here what am I up to oh by the way I'm probably gonna forget this so if my web guy is listening please remind me

to put up the YouTube videos of that redheaded kid there's some poor bastard this kid I don't know how old he is he's like 12 13 years old and he makes these videos and he's just he doesn't know any better he lives in the middle of nowhere he's just

making a total ass of himself so every time he and he's a redhead you know he's already at an awkward age and he's a redhead and he's a redhead male so you know that's just a fucking hailstorm I lived through it it's not a pretty sight SCARRE!

hey sharks go up to nothing sorry I got the game on in the background so anyways that's not a fun time it's not a fun time for fucking anybody unless you're just one of the popular kids so this kid keeps making these videos so what happened was people started

trashing them because that's what happens you put yourself out there the second you get on a stage or you film yourself and give the world a bunch of baseballs that's basically what you've done this kid didn't realize it

so they start fucking trashing them and rather than ignoring it he's been responding to it and he's yelling into the camera this is a message for all you haters out there I can make as many videos as I want but I'm gonna continue making videos so fuck you

he's doing that and he has his face he's all fucking freckled and red he looks like a young Malachi from Children of the Corn he sings songs actually I got a name and name here Aziz from Parks and Recreation

I gotta give him credit Aziz Ansari he poked me up with these videos he goes you gotta check these out cause I was telling him you gotta watch that guy at the Del Taco who gets knocked out three fucking times battle royal so whatever

I'm hyping that video and I hope that I remember to tell my web guy about it if not I hope he's listening to this podcast and they put it up cause it's hilarious so anyways let's get back to this guy he basically asked me how does somebody stay in the one month thing

well let me ask you this sir how do you do over the year do you put on any weight what do you do do you work and what you're discovering is that what happens is you meet somebody and yeah it's exciting

it's new it's like ah I don't know you're going vacation so you've never been to Miami you go to Miami Beach it's gonna be fucking exciting alright you got another vacation you go to Miami Beach again it's still exciting but it's not quite as easy you keep fucking doing the same thing

it's just natural that you start taking things for granted and it works on both sides um what I would do is if you want your girl to stay in shape is I would keep myself in shape and uh

if you're into a girl that stays in shape and there's nothing wrong with that by the way there's always on those women's shows that that's superficial and blah blah blah and guys should look beyond and fuck you you're lazy and you want to eat ice cream

and you still want to get the same amount of love like you have an hourglass figure you know that's just women pimping guys okay if you want a woman who's in shape why don't you fucking date someone who likes to work out that's what I would do who's into that type of shit who considers that type of thing

important that's what I would do and then you kept saying shit like she's willing to explore enjoy and share my interest well that's all well and good as long as you're willing to do it with her and also I would say that you know

it's a great thing to do in a relationship is to have interest outside of the other person and the two of you fuck off for an hour or two every day you know like I can tell you if I'm in a relationship

alright and I join a gym I don't want my girl joining the same fucking gym I don't I want two hours by myself 20 minutes in the treadmill I'll lift weights tomorrow but whatever say like an hour to myself

I listen to my music I'm looking at the fucking ass and titties of other girls that's legal they're walking around in their sports bras I can do that you know listen to my AC DC

fucking get pumped lie to myself dude end of the summer I'm putting up 225 kid in two plates on both sides dude I can lie to myself you know but I definitely think look I would just

say you know the next time you're tell your girl that's your fear you know look I just keep being in these relationships and everything just sort of winds down everybody you know people are in good shape I wouldn't you know I don't know it's kind of a tough thing to say to be like are you gonna become a fatty in a year

um I don't do you ever thought about just being single and just tagging a bunch of chicks who are in shape and every night will be exciting and new come aboard I'm expecting you so

ride my single fucking goddamn cock um evidently the way you can get herpes while still wearing a condom is is I guess that the uh the party that's behind the marginal line there

basically the part you know you put a condom on you roll it down you always have it at fucking three quarters mass don't you even if you stretch it all the way down it doesn't fucking cover your whole dick there's always gonna be the goddamn uh you know

eighth of an inch of shaft you know unless you got a huge fucking dick and you bought the wrong condoms and half your dicks hanging out hanging out right ahead and your dick looks like fucking Arnold from happy days remember that hat he used to wear or big Al

um I guess that's how you can get it I don't fucking know I don't want to hear about STDs it just makes me happy I'm in a fucking relationship you know um anyways let's plow ahead here next next question here next fucking question uh bill big fan of your comedy

podcast listen to it every Tuesday on the way home while I'm stuck in traffic anyway here's my deal I moved to us you know what I just realized I forgot to tell you guys how I'm working on my temper I decided to break it up into chunks rather than just trying not to lose my shit

I just realized I got it I just got to attack it in chunks so this is how I'm trying to do it I'm just working on my temper in the car that's it and I've been meaning to get a post it and I'm just gonna draw a smiley face on it and just stick it on the dashboard

hahaha that's what I'm trying to do and I did it this morning I was able to do it I was returning a rental car and uh you know it's Sunday morning I get up I jump in the car

Ford Fusion great fucking car too man getting this car and I uh this should be no traffic I should just shoot right up get the car back $9.30 so I don't have to pay for the extra day and what happens there's all this construction and I got to admit

it took me a while to lose my shit but when the fucking douche cut into my lane that was it I just fucking without even thinking just just just pushing down on the horn

and uh when I stopped I was like ah fuck I lost my temper I got I got to stop and then somebody else did something fucking late on the horn twice so so I failed you know the fuck that's off sides dude the officiating has just sucked

in the NHL this whole fucking place how bad what the fucking calls first game uh on both sides by the way on both sides at least that first period is what I really watched um of the uh Bruins Flyers

by the way which is by the time you listen to this podcast let's do it on Tuesday that series is going to be one one going back to Boston I think this is going to be a great series uh and I think it's going to be one of those series where yeah I don't know

it's weird the Bruins are weird they're just on their game right now but when they're not on their game they they just I don't know it's like they're playing the fucking ice out in the ice capades so I don't know I'm nervous about that happening what the Flyers did to us last year

but the thing is is the Flyers have no fucking goaltending as of right now so uh and Tim Thomas is just fucking ridiculous so I think we're going to win the series I actually think we might take it in six games if we win game two we win it in six

if they win game two uh this fucker is going seven that's my prediction everybody for those of you don't watch hockey you probably don't give a shit do you alright Bill big fan of your comedy podcast let's do it every Tuesday and the way to work anyway here's my deal I moved to Austin Texas about three fucking years ago because of a job

I had just broken up with a long time on again off again girlfriend and was finally done with the relationship I made the decision to be single for a while and enjoy the single life in Austin worked out well but I soon met a lady

she turned out to be the girl for me and I was soon shopping for rings so we're getting married in the fall congratulations and I moved in about six months ago you see my girl is a real hard worker as am I uh Jesus crisis is fucking long

settle in everybody no one has ever given us anything in life and we both worked hard to earn what we have because of our hard work we both have successful careers like Boston accent just came out this successful careers so she's busted her ass through college

got a job and bought a house on her own aggressive because she was only 24 at the time god damn it I wish I lived in Texas and could buy a house at 24 middle of fucking nowhere anyways and since then we have worked hard to make it a home together all sounds good right

yeah it sounds great well there is a catch oh Jesus here we go she has this friend who she's known since childhood and they grew up together this sounds like a fucking romantic comedy sisters blah blah blah

she let her friend move into the house before we met oh no and was barely charging the girl rent at all she also had her sister move in but as soon as we decided to live together her sister moved out like a normal fucking person

anyway so this friend of hers is still living in the house even six months after we got engaged and moved in together not only did she stay she also had her loser boyfriend move in while living there and while living there she bought a cat and a dog

well I mean what the fuck dude how can we not say anything oh whoa here's the next sentence I had a million talks with my girl about it and how it's wildly inappropriate to have these people and animals living in our house when we're trying to start a family but she feels responsible

for the well-being of her friend and doesn't want to throw her out on her ass oh no holy shit dude how big is this house anyways eventually I talked my girl into sitting down with her friend

and her boyfriend and kindly tell them it's time to start looking for another place to live they agreed and everything was all good so three months later the friend still doesn't have a job and her boyfriend is only working part-time as far as I can tell they haven't started looking for jobs

or a place to live her complaining to my girl about not wanting to sign a lease on a dump because she's planning on getting a job and will be able to afford a nicer place soon yeah she's stringing you along it's bullshit she's the laziest bitch I ever met

sounds like it dude the way you're describing it I already hate her I'm coming home every work day I'm coming home from work every day and her boyfriend is sitting on the couch playing video games oh my god I also recently found out that my girl is not charging her friend

any rent at all and the boyfriend only pays 200 a month which is nothing compared to what he could be making with the what we could be making with the roommate and he's a fucking loser as well 30 years old and never had a full-time job in his life he brags about not

having any debt all the time but it's because he's a loser and he's been living off his girlfriend's student loans and my girl's kindless for the past two years do I have to read the rest of this let me blow through the last two paragraphs immersively and this thing people try to keep

these short I suck at reading here I would be constantly bitching about these people to my girl but it kills her to know that I'm not happy she spends a lot of time trying to make my life better and I can I really can't stand

to see her sad or frustrated she's stuck in a tight spot yeah dude and she's doing with you that she hates to see you not happy and she wants to keep you happy she's doing that with her friends she has to make a stand here so he says so to make a point

I've been leaving my stuff out in the kitchen in the living room and not cleaning up after myself and in front of everybody I tell my girlfriend to leave it that they should have to clean it up because we're doing them a favor for letting them live there I've pretty much been a cocksucker

but they haven't gotten a hint yeah they have they're fucking dead beats they're just ignoring it so anyways but me behaving like that makes my girlfriend uncomfortable too so I've backed off a bit so the latest is that they finally are starting to pick up on the fact we want them out and are making provisions to move out

but I've recently found out that they are planning on moving in with my girl's mom just down the street her mom thinks of the friends as a daughter or a good family friend and is allowing this this pisses me off because I know they're just going to mooch off her mom just like they did my girl

so now I know I'm planning on having another talk no don't do that don't do that so now I am planning another talk with them about starting their own life separate from my girl or family but I know they wouldn't get the message unless

I came out and became a complete dick which would totally kill my girlfriend what should I do this is what you do alright let them move into your girlfriend's mom's house let them fucking do it get it out of your house

alright eventually they will wear out their welcome at your mom's house and then they're gone the thing is right now is if you if you tell her mom that they're fucking dead beats and that type of shit

you'll either come off like a dick or she'll say well then the hell with it and then they'll be like well we can't move out of your place and now you're stuck with them alright you have the things that wouldn't leave in your fucking house and they're leaving let them leave

let them go down to your sister's mom's house this is probably where your girlfriend's mom's house this is probably where she learned that fucking behavior from you know so that's her house right now what it is

is you personally hate these motherfuckers and you want them to live in the shithole that they so rightfully deserve to live in so what you're doing right now is you're letting your personal hatred of them get in the way of your ultimate goal

which is to get them the fuck out of the house which is happening okay if her mother wants to take them in let her do it and eventually she will discover that they're fucking moochers now I know what you're thinking like what kind of a fucking future son-in-law am I

if I don't give her the heads up and I'm telling you just judging by the way your future bride is this is just how they are they're giving people who get taken advantage of by moochers and the same way your

fiance is learning this lesson your mother's gonna learn the lesson so these people are actually great that they came into your life because hopefully you'll be able to use them as an example all throughout your marriage whatever their fucking names are you're gonna be like

well look we're gonna end up in another situation like Kathy and Michael fuck face remember that when they sat on the goddamn couch playing Atari for three fucking years um yeah dude listen you don't want to fight both those fights you'll end up like America

you're gonna have two wars going on at once you're gonna go bankrupt don't do that shit alright Iraq is your house let him go to fucking Afghanistan don't fucking worry about it or vice versa we're going to Afghanistan first I don't know how to fucking say it I don't read

I don't give a shit um douche bag of the week by the way is hammerlick from fucking the Canadians that guy's an all-star man he knows better than that flopping around out there like he's on fucking I love Lucy or something doing a caribou net show doing a goddamn sketch get up

get up alright last one I'm gonna read here everybody coming up on an hour keeping this one nice and tight hey Bill I love you stand-up comedy and your podcasts are freaking hilarious thank you very much I love what you're doing and I hope you keep doing it thank you I'm a junior in high school and I really

have a problem with my mom's boyfriend uh yeah I would think so for the obvious reason but we're not gonna get into that cause you're too young to talk about it I don't know what to do my mom used to be really cool and she would really listen to me when her boyfriend wasn't around

now when he comes over she makes she makes me cook my own dinner which isn't that bad to do but the fact that she ignores me and listens to him more than she does to me is what really gets to me

this guy can be a real asshole to me and my mom oh Jesus Christ and the thing is that they fight all the time for five years you can tell a douchebag when you see one and this guy really takes the trophy of number one douchebag in the country

alright you know what fuck that douchebag of the week is the dude dating this kid's mom he even yells at my mom sometimes and I felt the urge to confront him one time and my mom is the one who gets mad at me for trying to defend her I feel like this guy has changed my mom

from a nice cool mom to one of those reality show moms who really give a shit about their kids yeah see this is why you gotta be careful who you let into your life this guy has kids and he treats them way worse than he treats my mom I feel really bad for his kids

for having such a bad father figure in their lives yeah this guy is horrific he's never gotten violent with my mom I think but I think my mom has gotten dependent on him for some fucked up reason yeah cause he's probably doing that he's working on a self esteem

and he realizes the shit out of her and he's turned a nice positive great mom into a negative person who's not paying attention to her kid yeah she's gotta dump this guy and I'm pretty sure it's taken a toll on what my mom is like as a person I have no idea what my mom sees in him

because they have practically nothing in common and he's a total asshole to her and to me what I really need is advice on how I can handle this situation what I can do to make this situation better for me and my mom besides choking this guy in the middle of the night I would really appreciate some sound advice from you

even though you don't have kids I would also like to know if you were doing any gigs or any shows around Southern California because I really like to see in person alright this is what you gotta do alright this is very tricky

one of the hardest things to do is when somebody you love is dating an asshole to approach them hey I think the person you're dating is an asshole because they're gonna get unbelievably defensive alright so I would leave that part out of it what I would do

is when that douchebag isn't around I would basically tell your mom what you told me minus the bad shit about him just say listen you know I just feel like you're not listening to me as much as you used to tell her you love her

tell her she's the greatest mom she felt like you used to be closer and that you're feeling like you're not as close as you used to be and that you know you realize that her time with her boyfriend is important but I'd like to have whatever schedule some hang time

with you guys and you know what when you guys are out there having a good time maybe she can you know slowly turn into that person she used to be and then eventually you kinda trick her into talking about that guy and let her be the first one let her be the first one

this is down the road let her once you guys have your hang day you know and I'll tell you right now if that guy gets in the way which he probably will try to cause he sounds like an insecure douchebag that if you guys are actually hanging out there's a lot of like little

Mussolini's running around the world they just don't have the fucking charisma and the right cataclysmic moment in history to take power so what they do is rather than ruining countries everyone that they come in contact with so that's what this cunt is like and he'll probably try and take that time away from you guys

because he'll be convinced cause in the back of his head I bet he knows he's a fucking asshole or he's a paranoid psycho and he thinks everybody's talking about him anyways which of course you attract what you fear in life so I think

just keep it about you and her tell her how great she is mother's day is coming up it's perfect and just say listen whatever these next few years are gonna fly by you know I'd like to take advantage of this time let's spend time together just you and me like we used to

just one day a week I respect your time with your boyfriend but you know one day a week I'm your son for Christ's sake we can do this and like I said during that time that douche won't be around it'll be just the two of you I bet the old her comes out a little bit if you do it once a week it's like therapy

and like I said eventually let her bring it up let her bring up with that guy as an asshole you know he's kind of been a dick you know what I mean you just kind of sit there like yeah yeah I do know what you mean and just respectfully call the guy an asshole and as far as choking that guy

in the middle of the night don't do that now don't do that wait till you like high school years you know wait till you hit your gross spurt you know you start filling out you start throwing the weights around that's when you do it take a nice karate class submission hold that's what I would do

you know you choke them out they just go to sleep there's no concussion there's nothing like he just takes a little nap I'm not advocating violence wink wink alright YouTube videos a week that's going to be the podcast for this week

here's the YouTube videos for this week I already hyped that amazing 7 year old drummer fucking awesome that's going to be on the mmpodcast.com the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast if you'd like to donate alright

to the podcast there's a donate button right on the right hand side of the homepage right underneath the Facebook Twitter and all those logos you just click on donate whatever you want to give me I don't give a fuck one dollar one thousand I don't give a shit I'll fucking take any of it

um and anyways all these YouTube videos will be up there next one greatest dance number ever filmed according to Fred Astaire who was considered the greatest dancer of that time but uh he was a phenomenal dancer but he was also a white

dude so he had an advantage like the Montreal Canadians getting first pick of every French born Canadian fucking player um that's what white people were in Hollywood back then um but during this time you know and this is this I think this is really cool that Fred Astaire said this shows you what a cool guy this was

this guy was that he gave uh he gave a shout out to the uh ah Jesus Christ where the fuck's the video now what did I do oh Christ what did I do that's not the right one

that's not the right one as a hang on a second the hell did I do here alright greatest the Nicholas brothers hope I'm saying that right you gotta watch this video even if you don't like all those

fucking so you think you can dance so you think you can do a split and have you a twat stick to the floor you know well be the judge of that if you don't like those fucking shows you gotta watch these guys these guys are unbelievable it's called the greatest dance number ever filmed

in the beginning you're probably not gonna like it Cap Callaway's in there scat singing I fucking hate scats singing I just don't like it I don't think it's a talent shut your fucking face learn how to play the trumpeter shut the fuck up I can't stand it

but once he's done and he does his little fucking head bopping I never liked that fucking guy I used to like him and one time I read Miles Davis autobiography and he trashed Cap Callaway saying that when he ratted somebody out for fucking having drugs on him

which was basically the jazz musician version of those fucking assholes who ratted out actors for being potentially members of the communist party in the 50s to Joe McCarthy so fuck him but once he's out of it alright with this stupid conch

when he gets the fuck out of the goddamn video watch these two guys it's unfucking believable man just the level of talent that these guys have isn't saying alright and then you know last week I hyped those videos about the new plan of the apes movie coming out

people send in some smart chimp videos these things are fucking awesome one is of a chimp they stick a peanut in the bottom of this giant graduated cylinder and I gotta be honest with you I couldn't figure out how to get this fucking thing out of there and this chimp

figures it out I think we're actually gonna facilitate them taking over the planet if we keep teaching them this shit at the very least being smarter than half the people in shop class then there's another video another smart chimp trying to get them to work together human beings are so fucking

stupid this scientist out there trying to get chimps trying to get them to help move a heavy piece this heavy rock to get them to learn how to pull all in the same direction teach them that fucking skill

you know so right there they can get me a bomb shelter back in the day if you had oh my god the fucking chimpanzees are gonna rip my goddamn nuts off and my face off you could go into your bomb shelter and close that fucking metal

they're gonna teach them how to open it up and then there's the last one Steve Vai acoustic I know you're here and this is I totally respect Steve Vai he's one of those guys who he was a hired gun during the hair metal days and he survived he carved out his own

niche he never stopped creating and he goes around he sells out theaters he's making his money I told you guys that my favorite behind the music of all time was vanilla ice because he still had his money seeing all those broke I mean most of the guys a lot of guys still had their money

Molly Cruz still had their money I like that one um arrow smiths was great because they still had their money I just hated seeing the guy I hate I hate seeing people fail I hate it the Canadians, the Yankees, the Jets or the Lakers

dude if anybody can tell me how the Lakers aren't gonna win the championship this year with the fucking old ass Celtics trading away Kendrick Perkins and the Spurs losing to the fucking Grizzlies it's over there is no fucking way the Lakers aren't gonna win the championship

score Detroit Red Wings I'm trying to jinx the Lakers by saying that because other than that I don't think there's anything stopping them um so anyways what the fuck was I just talking about I totally lost my frame of thought my train of thought or my frame of reference

or in my world my frame of thought I'm a fucking moron um what the fuck was I talking about well it's gone people it's gone forever that's how my brain works alright in the end of the podcast let's uh let's height my dates what do I got here

uh coming up oh by the way I told you guys I was doing David Letterman um that is not gonna be happening because believe it or not guess who got called back for another episode of Glee speaking of dancing see what you guys

don't realize is when I sing on the podcast I'm just fucking around I actually have a wonderful voice and I am a triple threat I can deliver the jokes I can sing the songs and I can fucking I can do a little shim sham I can dance

I can dance um yeah that bringing me back to Glee and I'm actually doing a singing and dance number with that androgynous kid who hangs out with that fucking angry blonde chick we're gonna be singing

uh I want a new drug but we're doing the club version so it's gonna be really really sexy um I'm gonna be wearing one of those v-neck t-shirts that shows man cleavage it's gonna be awesome so look for that so I won't be doing Letterman because of that

and also I'm gonna be at the antisocial comedy tour February um February May 13th at uh in Washington DC go to antisocialcomedy.com uh for all your tickets and all the links like I said these tickets

are selling very fast I don't know how long we're gonna be doing this tour or how long we're uh I don't know that's hilarious I basically said what I wanted to say I wanted to say how long this tour is gonna last or how long we're gonna be doing this tour and I got right to the second one and my brain just shuts off

because it works in a straight line yeah I don't know how long we're gonna be doing this tour and how long this lineup is gonna last and uh I gotta tell you it's been a long fucking time since I've been on a show where I just stand and I watch the entire show I'm a comedian nothing makes me fucking laugh and I am working

with three fucking beasts on this and uh it's worth every goddamn cent I guarantee you so make sure you get your ass down there um and other than that I'm gonna be doing Caroline's Comedy Club May 19th through the 22nd

and uh and then the Chicago Theater another antisocial network tour we added Seattle last week and we're also doing Las Vegas all those dates are up on antisocialcomedy.com and that's it and one last plug I gotta do Mother's Day coming up guys

come on do it for your mother go to proflowers.com click on the uh the microphone in the upper right hand corner uh when it asks you for the code type in burr and uh and shop away they'll deliver them right to your house it's perfect

you know don't get yourself into that situation where you are that's fucking off sides thank you jesus christ take your fucking whistle out so anyways go to proflowers pro pro proflowers.com

click on the microphone in the upper right hand corner type in burr the code get your mother some flowers get your girlfriend's mother some flowers get your grandmother's from flowers for once be a swell guy you know it's gonna be all set then you write something nice in the card

you're all set you don't even have to leave your fucking house how great is that you know if you're one of these people are you scared of the internet are you like me you know if that's what you like then you can just call uh there's a one eight hundred number where the fuck is it

one eight hundred pro flowers and mention the Monday morning podcast my name bill burr order the fucking flowers and that's it that's the ah Jesus hour and eleven minutes I still went over alright but I also did ten minutes of commercials um that's it that's it for this week

um thank you to everybody who came out and saw our film uh cheat um we're gonna be uh I think we're gonna be doing a film festival in Chicago I will have more information about that next week or in the upcoming weeks um we shall be in more film festivals and

podcast listeners will get a chance to check out the film we're currently writing a book and when that comes out in the beginning of next year the full short uh of the film cheat will be available in the back of the book and we're gonna do a little tour hopefully me Bobby and Joe will be

selling the books signing them taking pictures smiling and waving in 2012 trying to sell as many books as we can before old Jesus comes back and tells us what a bunch of cunts we are alright that's it that's the podcast for this week uh go fuck yourselves don't take any shit I'll talk

to you next week