Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-11

Episode Date: May 23, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Lance Armstrong, NHL playoffs and having a gay wife.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, May 23rd, 2011. Oh, Jesus. As you can tell, I'm sick. I got sick. Huh? You like that shit? You feel better about your life in a little fucking area that you've carved out in it? Huh? Does that make you look at Mr. Snuggle Bear that you have hanging from your fucking cubicle and make you feel better? Well, I hope it does. I feel like... I didn't feel like shit. I just feel like my fucking throat is just all raspy. I did eight shows at Caroline's Comedy Club. You probably wonder why, Bill. Why would one man do eight hours of comedy? Well, I'll tell you why. Because we fucking put him up for sale and everybody bought tickets and we started adding more and those all

sold out. I felt like a big shot. It was a fucking big shot. But, you know, fuck. This is going to be a rough one, people. I've been flying all over the... I've had six flights in the last 15 fucking days. This last one was my final one. I'm going on vacation next... Vacation. Vacation next week. Five fucking glorious days. Glorious days. I'm going to go to Hampton Beach in fucking New Hampshire. Got to get myself some fried dough. I'm going to pick a tattoo off of the wall. I'm going to slap my girl around. I'm going to do what you do on Hampton Beach. Five fucking glorious days. I'm sticking my toes in the water. And that's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to keep repeating shit on this podcast so I

could somehow make it be a fucking hour long. I'll just sing everything I just said, you know? So I can make it an hour long. I'm just going to sing everything I just said. Oh, fuck. Ah, Jesus. These are the days I wish I had an assistant. Hey, you know, what's been going on in your week, Mike? Oh, fucking tell you, I'm the married guy on this show. And then he throws it back to me. Oh, dude, I don't know how you do it. Oh, look at them. They're opposites. Just like Mike and Mike. One guy's in the bleachers. The other guy, oh, he's fucking right near the action. And then the bleacher guy's always more real, you know? Oh, look at me. I'm so fucking real. Really? Like you're not fucking taking your dick out and

jerking it to porn your fat fuck. I'm not buying it for a second. You're not more real. You just have poorer dietary choices. All right, you tub of shit. I had nothing to do with those two guys. This had to do with the fact that I need to get my fucking energy going. If I'm going to do a podcast, I mean, I got one more show people. I had eight of Carolines. I got one right now. Let me plow through this crap. What are we going to talk about this week? What in God's name we're going to talk about this week? I have no fucking idea. How about Lance Armstrong? Why don't we talk about that? You know, what the fuck did Lance do? The guy passed 500 drug tests like 10 fucking years ago. It's over. How are you going to catch him now? You know, you're going to catch him douchebag

of the week. He's fucking teammate. It goes on 60 minutes and he's fucking ratting them out. Do you know how much pussy that guy's gotten in his lifetime because he knows Lance Armstrong? And now all of a sudden the pussy train's over. Pussy train is fucking over. So now what he's doing when he's playing the last card he has to play, just like the fucking chick on the side who knows you're married, thinks you're going to leave your wife. And then that one faithful day when she realizes not only you're not going to leave, you're not going to give her any money to go pay for her fucking shoes. So she plays her last goddamn card. She goes on TV and she goes, Oh, I've been sucking his dick for the last 10 fucking years, becomes a best selling author, you know, gets her

name etched in right next to fucking Ernest Hemingway. Like she's anywhere near that guy's level, probably sells even more books, all the dumb cunts in this fucking society. Can I use that word? I didn't want to shit on this country. Yeah, what the fuck is with this asshole? I didn't even I only saw the beginning of the interview. They're saying that, you know, because he was forced under oath under oath, he's been forced to some shit. I don't know what it is that he has to tell the truth. No, you don't. They weren't there. I didn't see I never saw him do it. Sergeant. That's it. What do you want me to do? I'm not making up anything. What a fucking asshole that guy is that guy's a fucking asshole. All right, this has nothing to do with Lance Armstrong. This

has to do with France not liking our foreign policy. That's what it has to do with. It has to do with them in general, not liking Americans and has to do with them in general being rude cunts to anybody who goes over to the Paris to buy a fucking croissant. They got to be assholes. You know, been going after this guy forever because he's over there, winning the Tour de France. They can't fucking handle it that our drugged up guy is beating your drugged up guy. What are you going to do? You're going to take his fucking titles away and who are you going to give them to? You know, you can't ride a bike 30 miles an hour up a fucking mountain without being on something for a month straight. I could see if you had to get medicine

for somebody that you loved and they were going to die. I think you could have a burst of adrenaline and you could fucking do that. All right, but you can't do it for a month. Look, all these fucking guys are taking something in every goddamn sport. All right. All you need to do is just go stretch, work out a little bit, go and go play some touch football. All right, in your 20s and your 30s. And let me know how you feel the next fucking day. You're going to feel absolutely fucking horrific. All right, these guys play it at a professional level. How do you play NFL football? How do you play that for fucking 15 goddamn? You're playing tackle football? Really? How about you youngsters out there? Have you done that? Have you done that dumb

move yet in your early 20s? You still think you're in your teens or whatever and you're thinking you're going to go out and go play tackle football? You can't fucking do it. These guys play it at a professional level. They get hit by guys like Ray Lewis. Then they got to get up off the ground and continue to play. And then they got to fucking practice on Tuesday and do it again. 15 more fucking times. We're going to take a Fred Flintstone vitamin and an aspirin. They're all on drugs. They're sacrificing their bodies to entertain us. It's fucking ridiculous. I can't believe his fucking team. I would never do that shit. I would never fucking do that to somebody. You're under oath. Am I? Okay. What do you want to know? He's the greatest guy ever.

Thanks to him, I got to be on a championship fucking team. He put shit in his body. He didn't even know what the fuck it was. Also, we could win. Oh, the French pussy we got. Merci beaucoup Lance Armstrong. Going on 60 minutes. I always saw the first two minutes of a typical me. I haven't watched the whole thing, but was he like acting like it was a struggle to rat him out? I really don't want to do this, but I have to. You know what probably happened? They probably confiscated his hard drive, right? And they found some sort of freaky shit. They got something or they sent some whore around the way, you know, and he's in the fucking fruit section in the goddamn grocery store and she comes over, starts rubbing his balls, right? Bags him in some

fucking hotel room in her apartment. They got all the video. They got him. All right. What's it going to be? Your family and your marriage? Are you going to throw Lance under the bus? Come on. I know it's hard. That's okay if you cry. Do the right thing. We're booking you on 60 minutes next week. Go out there and go fucking rat out your friend. Rat out your friend. Your friend. Guy got you all that pussy, you know? People who in seven years are winning the Tour de France, okay? Tour de France, right? The Tour de France, okay? The people in his little fucking pack, they probably got more pussy than goddamn American soldiers who liberated that country and got Hitler the fuck out of there, okay? You understand that? Because the American soldiers, they were probably

there, you know, the bike race that was seven years of dominance, seven years of pussy, right? The American soldiers on the other hand, they kicked those motherfuckers out. That was it. They didn't do it seven years in a row. God knows they were probably there seven days before some big fucking meat-handed douchebag said something stupid in one of those French broads grabbed a tits or whatever and then the whole fucking thing was over. He ruined it. He ruined it for everyone else. Douchebag of the week, that fucking cunt on Lance Armstrong. He went on 60 minutes and ratted him out. You know, psyched I was all these years watching the goddamn frogs over there trying to prove that this guy was a bad guy and they just couldn't fucking do it and then he retires and I'm

like, it's over. The door is closed. It's fucking over. You know what? I will give it, I will give the French people this. You are some persistent sons of bitches, you know? Is it all the time you save every morning not putting deodorant on that you actually focused on this case that you were finally able to get this guy to fucking roll over on his friend? Is there anything more fucking tragic than watching a friend tell on another friend? This fucking kid wasn't raised right. All right. I swear to God, if that was my son, I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would do. I would just why are you doing this to him? He did it. I don't give a fuck if he did it. That's not what this is about. You think those other pricks weren't doing it? Do the Germans run it

right, ride a bike in that race? They do, don't they? Yeah. What is their fucking track record? Half the fucking women in East Germany could bench press the entire fucking USA cycling team. You motherfucker. Do you know what happened to me and your mother when we went to Paris that time? We were all excited. We wanted to see the Mona Lisa. They treated us like dirt. Get out of my sight. You've shamed me. You've shamed our name. Oh, don't give me that. You went on TV like a bitch running your fucking mouth. Get out of here. Fuck. I knew there was something wrong with you. I was sick of riding a bicycle when I was eight. The first time I fucking saw a peek up that chick's dress. That was it. It's all booze and pussy. Well, it was, honey. It was until

I met you. Stay out of this. This is man stuff. You fucking went to get out. You went on TV and you ratted out your friend. What the fuck did I do? All those times I sat you down. And I told you, no matter what happened, you never tell on your friend. All right. Handle that shit yourself. All right. Now go grab your fucking bike with your goddamn bitch ass training wheels and get the fuck out of my sight. Don't call me till a Super Bowl. That's how I handle that one. I don't know why I give a shit. Why do I give a fuck about a goddamn bike race? I root for fucking people who do dumb shit. What the fuck is with my computer? There we go.

All right. So anyways, oh, by the way, people, you're probably wondering how the hell I got so goddamn sick, you know, who gets a fucking head cold in the middle of May? I'll tell you who. Somebody out there busting their ass. All right. That's when you know you're working hard. When you still get colds in the summer, in the summer or is it the spring? I think it's still the spring, right? With global warming. Does it bump it up a little bit? No, I fucking I've been flying all around. I taped that episode of Glee out there in fucking New Mexico. And I knew I was going to get sick. These fucking guys, you on the amount of shit I'm going to get when you see the fucking outfit they had me and I swear to God they had me in this half shirt thing. All right. It's a comedy.

It's a I'm just bracing you for it. But it was windy. We were outside doing this whole fucking routine and I was getting the chills. And I knew I was going to get sick. And then I jumped on another plane of flu to New York to do the fucking Carolines, right? So I'm on West Coast time. I land. I got to get up at six in the morning, which is three o'clock my fucking body clock time. I run my mouth on the radio. I go back quick nap or whatever, whatever the fuck I got to do. And then I do the shows. Then you wake up the next day, you do it again. Then you do two more shows. And then you go to bed. And then you wake up and you're fucking sick happens every goddamn time. I was taking my vitamins or vitamins. Is that was that what they say in England?

Oregano, oregano. All right, what are we going to talk about this week? Let's let's get into some advice people. This is definitely going to be a short one. All right. Thank God for that fucking douche of the week. I think I would have wrapped it up by now. Oh, let's talk fucking hockey, man. Two, two, Bruins Lightning. I hope you guys are watching this series. It's been fucking awesome. Big shout out to all my friends on Twitter who are from Tampa. You guys seem to enjoy a lot of the things that I was sending out last week. Fuck. Yeah, Tampa has an awesome team. So the only card I have I can play is just to shit on Tampa. And for some reason, these goddamn idiots on Twitter are taking the bait.

You know, Bill hates Tampa. He really fucking hates it. I don't give a fuck about Tampa. I just want to annoy you, you know, because you annoy me. The fact that you are such a non-hockey fucking city and you have such a great team. Honestly, how many had to look up Steve Eisenman when he came to town? You know, are you rednecks down there? What's the hell's that goddamn Jew coming down here? What the fucks he knew about hockey? Shit, you might as well fuck. No, he's he's a former NHL player, Hall of Fame. Oh, all right, I thought he was, I'm sorry. Now, what is that Stanley Cup? Is was that originally a spit tune? Is that what it was? I know a lot of you guys are probably thinking, you're probably thinking, why is he doing a

redneck Southern accent? This is Florida. Yeah, that's what most of Florida is. There's Miami, and then there's the rest of it. And the rest of it is a fucking hellhole other than nature. Everglades are beautiful. Beaches are gorgeous. You know, trees, the animals, the birds, all that shit down there. Absolutely gorgeous. But I'll tell you, if you're not in Miami, Mang, all right, I never been out of the Florida Keys. From what I heard, it's all gay guys and people running from the law, you know, people living on houseboats and shit, right? Isn't that why they found that guy who shot that Versace dude? Wasn't he down there? He combined both people. He was gay and a and a felon. Fucking yeah, tap, it's just a, you know, I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about,

but anyways, the series has been fucking tremendous. It's making me age or whatever. And every time I think Tampa is way better than we are, all of a sudden we look unstoppable and then we go, holy shit, we're up through three, we're gonna be up three games to one here. We just scored three fucking goals. And that's the magic number for the Bruins. Anytime they go up three games, three goals or whatever, I don't know what they do. They just fucking rest, sit back on that. Let's chill for a while. This is boring. Let's make it exciting. They fucking blew the goddamn league. I can tell you this right now, I feel good though. They're gonna come back to Boston. All right, today, all right, we're gonna kick them right in the cunt. That's what we're gonna do, just like we did in

game three that actually missed because I was working. That's my prediction. We're gonna, we're gonna win another one of those two to one games, one of those games. All right, that's what's happening. Then we'll go down to Tampa and then they're gonna win it. All right, they're gonna win that game after we go up a couple of goals. Oh shit, are we gonna close them out down in that strip mall that they play in? Nope, they're gonna come back. Then for game seven, it's gonna be anybody's, I'm gonna guess first goal wins that one unless it's the Bruins. I have no faith in our ability to hold the fucking league. Lead, I just don't. And since last week, my prediction was San Jose in Tampa in the finals and I thought Tampa was gonna win the whole fucking thing. All of a sudden,

Vancouver woke up and they're playing to their potential. So now I'm gonna call Vancouver. Look at me. I'm just like one of those guys on ESPN. Every other time you see me, I'm picking somebody else so that I could be like, dude, what I say? What I, what, dude, I fucking called it. I totally fucking called it. All right, so let's plow ahead. Let's get to the advice. I hope my voice isn't as annoying as it sounds to me. Advice. Oh man, this is a fucking brutal one. Oh, by the way, for all you Jesus freaks out there, he fucking blew you off again. How does that feel? Huh? Once again. Once again. They sent out the flyers. Everybody was ready. You know? And what happened? He just, he just be fucking blew it off again.

How many times this is like fucking watching Charlie Brown try and kick the football? How many times can fucking Lucy pull it out and he lands on his goddamn back? How many times are you guys going to sit there and think this dude is coming back? You know, what's wrong with you? He's not coming back. I gotta admit, I get a little scared every time. Like, what is he gonna be? I just, I just don't fucking believe in any of that. I don't believe that this is this guy who's fucking mad at me. For what? For what? I've been going to therapy and that type of shit. I'm starting to realize the stuff that I did. A lot of it was because some shit that some fucking cunt did to me when I was a kid. So that fucked my brain up. That's my fault. So now you're going to get mad

because I went to a fucking titty bar and a bunch of whores are in there that you made. You made them. That's, that's where the whole thing breaks down for me. Where I got to be this fucking unbelievable great person. Like, if you wanted us to be fucking great people, why didn't you make us great people? I think he's fucking bored. He wanted to see, he wants like choice. All right, I'll give him the choice to do the right thing and the wrong thing, and then I'm going to sit there and watch it. Because if I don't, if I just make everybody great, everybody's going to be standing around like those little fucking weirdo things at the end of the Grinch holding hands around a Christmas tree going,

Christmas, whatever the fuck they say. Who the hell would want to live like that? You know, I like to Grinch. I wouldn't go and I wouldn't be in business with the guy. Couldn't trust a fucker like that. But you know, I'd hang out with them in a bar. You know, I'll be like Grinch, look at that chick over there. What do you think about her? And just listen to him go off on her. Just sit there and laugh. You know, as he just disappears into hate and you look over one of your friends, you know, you shoot him that look where you put your eyebrows up, like, it's getting good. She's getting good. So once again, he didn't show up. He didn't fucking show up. And then

when all the Bible thumpers got to run around and started just in their speeches, well, see what I was saying? What the fuck? You know, most of the times having a beard is fucking awesome because you don't have to fucking shave every day. That's the great thing about having a beard. The bad time is when you got to blow your fucking nose. Just ends in your mustache. It's fucking disgusting. All right, what am I talking about? Yeah, what are all, wait, is anybody go to one of those churches where the God, yeah, if you do, you're not listening to

this. You're not allowed to, right? Because I'm the devil. What's your fucking grow up? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. He didn't show up. You know, he wasn't going to show. You know, it's weird. Do you want to get saved? The only way I want to get saved is if I actually get to once I get saved and brought up on a cloud is if I get to look down and watch Jesus just fucking, you know, just taking people out. He's going to kill all of us. Is that how they're going to do it? I don't know these stories. I don't read that book. Isn't that what he's going to? He's going to come back. He's coming back like a thief in the night. Thief in the night. Let me see if I can piece this together. Some of the expressions I've heard

people say. He's coming back like a thief in the night, okay? And that's when he's going to sneak and take your loved ones and leave you behind, right? Jesus Christ. It's so fucking childish. They're praying on your goddamn fear as a kid of being left alone at the mall. Mom, dad, Jesus. I don't buy it. I don't buy anything when they sell it to me out of fear. Unless we're talking condoms. All right, here we go. Advice for this week. Dear Bill, I'm 34 years old and I've been married. We'll call her Melinda. My wife for about five years. We met on an online dating website and immediately felt a special bond. We dated for three years, but I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with after the first week.

Anyway, we have two kids, twins, who are both girls. Well, congratulations. It's a great story so far. Where could this go wrong? While my sister was watching them for us one night, my wife decided to take me to my favorite steakhouse. She seemed like she really wanted me to have a great time and thought I was going to get, oh, and I thought I was going to get lucky afterwards. Little did I know that she was going to tell me her biggest secret. Near the end of our meal, she looked at me and said, Jim, I'm going to tell you something that's not a joke and something that may anger you. I thought she was going to tell me that she had told me something about the bills or some shit about, Jesus, I lost my space. I thought she was

going to tell me, what did you think, Bill? What did you think? I thought she was going to tell me something about the bills or something about the, or some shit about the kids. Nope. She looks at me and right after she said that, she goes, I'm gay with Mandy, our neighbor. Oh my God. Oh, and what happened then? Did your fancy, heavy fork slam down onto the plate when you dropped it? Then everybody turned around and looked at you. Bill, I have no idea what to do because of the kids and because of what everyone will say if I tell them. I had a gay wife. I'm thinking about packing up and going to Iceland or some shit, but no, that won't work. Melinda told me she wanted to stay married, but on certain nights, we could just bang around

with other people. She's afraid of what others will think. I would never even consider that and I'm really confused on what to do. Help me. All right, dude, let me try to help you out here. Okay. What she's doing is she's gradually ending the marriage. Okay. She's not ready to just fucking come out and say she's gay and go live a gay lifestyle. So she's telling you first and now she wants you to keep it a secret and allow her to go outside the relationship to go fuck around with the girl next door. Now you didn't even mention, is she married to somebody else? You know, I don't know. So you got to look out for yourself here. This isn't what you want. I'm going to guess, right? You don't want to have a wife who's gay twice a month.

She's gay. Let her go fucking be gay. You know, but you don't have to be involved in that. You don't want, you know, that's not what the fuck you're looking for here. That's what, you know, so you got to tell us she's got to walk. It's over. I think you got, and I know there's kids and all that type of stuff, but what the fuck are you supposed to do? They might not get it right now. They're going to get it at some point when they get old enough. They're going to understand the adult choice that you had to make because I understand it's their mom. So it's going to be painful. What you guys could do is be like, all right, why don't we just live in the same town or the same area so you can still be involved with the kids? There's no big deal. You know,

try to make it as easy as possible and then respect her wishes to keep it quiet. You know, let her tell people that's, I really believe that like, you know, as upset as you are, don't go around fucking telling that because that's, I don't know, people are assholes when it comes to that shit. So, but you got to look out for yourself here, dude. So you got to, you got to get out of that. You got to get out of that because what's going to happen is she's gradually going to become more and more gay and less and less the chick you're fucking married. And then one day you're going to be sitting there and she's going to be dressed like fucking Archie Bunker. You know, I thought

it'd be all right to bring fucking Mrs. Who's a What's Over here, you know, and they're going to be sitting there watching some show on choppers, right? And then what the fuck are you going to do? What if you happen to come home with one of your buddies and just be like, he's going to be like, why does your fucking wife, when did she start dressing like squiggy on Laverne and Shirley? I'm sorry. I'm just fucking around. I had to make it funny. This is a depressing thing here. All right. So good thing you're only 34 years old. Let's get some positive here. All right. Another good thing. She didn't wait till you were 50 fucking four and you realized your whole marriage was a lie. You only lost a few years of your life here. You still got two great kids.

All right. You got a story to tell. All right. That could actually get you some pussy as you're getting back on your feet. They'll feel bad for you. You know, maybe they'll even try and prove how much how heterosexual they are and give you an extra good fucking blow job. And then something else good in there. Oh, then another good thing is the girls she's fucking around with hot. And does she occasionally like some dick? Maybe you could get a fucking threesome for the road. Threesome for the road. Sounds like a fucking an old country song. Trailer for sale or rent. My fucking wife is gay, I think. I'm gonna fuck her friend as I make her lick my balls.

Come on in, kids. I've got something to tell you. Your mom is gay. And she's licking my balls. Whatever. I can't fucking sing. Dude, that sucks. You got to get out of it. All right. You got to get out of it. She's gradually breaking up with you. It's completely, she doesn't have the courage yet to tell people that she's gay. All right. And you got to work on, you got to respect her timetable, but you can't, you can't let her use you. All right. She's already been using you. She's been fucking around behind your back. All right. You're walking. Just come up with some sort of story, you know, and then you guys both stick with it. And don't be like fucking that cunt who's ratting out Lance Armstrong right now. Just keep your mouth shut. And when

she wants to come out and say it, look, and if people are judging you like, oh, wow, I can't believe, you know, you guys are breaking up. What about the kids and blah, blah, blah. Let them judge you or whatever. They'll owe you a big apology. A big fucking apology when they, when she finally comes out and says what the secret is. So whatever that everyone, then, then, then you'll look like the martyr. Right. I don't know, dude. My heart goes out to you. That sucks. That really fucking sucks, but you got to get out of that. You got to get out of that. All right. Good luck to you, sir. All right. Next one, Bill, dearest William, my son is a good kid, respectful and thoughtful, and never in trouble at school. You sound like a parent of somebody kid who just did something

really bad. My kid's a good kid. He's respectful and thoughtful, never gets in trouble. I don't know where he got that oozy. He never gets in trouble at school or on the playground. He plays Little League Baseball and is 11 years old. Yeah. Is he best friends with a dolphin? This sounds like an all American kid. Last year, I had a disagreement with his baseball coach who brought in a ringer from another league to play in a local tournament. Well, let's take a left turn. The coach used the ringer in all the key positions for every inning while many of the other kids most spent most of the game resting. After a few games, I spoke to the coach and let him know that I thought it was unfair how the house league kids were being

passed over for the ringer. His reply was that's the way I do things and lineups are my decision. In the subsequent tournament games, my kid was punished for my outspoken complaint by becoming the unofficial bench warmer. Obviously, this was upsetting to my kid. Dude, what is wrong with fucking adults that you do that to a kid? I can see going, Hey, this is my team. This is how I'm running it. But to then take it out on his kid who didn't say anything, what a douche. You know, in his head, he thinks he's the next fucking Chuck Tanner. I'm sorry. I know Earl Weaver. I have no idea. I brought a complaint forward to our league's president staying. I felt this coach was unfair. Oh, so now we're making it worse. If he's friends with that guy,

you bitch too. I suggested that he was unfit for coaching and the league should reconsider his placement. Unfortunately, the president quit before the ruling on the matter and the new president chose to sweep it under the rug. The new baseball season began a month ago, and new teams were formed. My boy's first game back was against his last year's coach. At the end of the game during the handshake, my son shook everyone's hands except for the old coach's hand. When my son told me about this, I did not tell him that his decision was right or wrong, but I understood it and I supported it. Was this bad parenting? Is this bad sportsmanship? No. No, it isn't. It's not. It's not. You know why? Maybe one thing, if everybody's an adult,

you're not. You're talking about a kid here. This guy's fucking with kids for his own goddamn ego trip and he punished your kid who didn't do anything. So fuck him. Your kid's only going to be a kid once. You know, those exciting moments during the games when there's pressure, that builds character, you know? And also, you know, if it goes wrong, it ruins the childhood, so maybe he did help you. I'm just saying. That's why sports is the shit. It's fucking great. It's great. And he robbed him of that. You paid the fee. Fuck this guy. No, it's not bad sportsmanship, but I think you're a hell of a dad that you're actually questioning it. And then you also didn't say it was right or wrong. You say understood why you did it.

No, dude, you're fucking solid. Don't even worry about it. All right. Two weeks later, I was approached by two members of the executive board of our league who asked me to speak to my son about shaking everyone's hand at the end of every game. Dude, this is classic sports. They never see the first hit. They always see the retaliation. So he's getting caught for retaliating. Obviously, his old coach had complained. Yeah, dude, I bet if you yank down his sport like bike or bike pants, the coaches still wear those. Remember those? The bike shorts, not bicycle shorts. There was these shorts that all coach wore. They were made by a company called bike. I bet if you yank those down, he's got a fucking vagina. This guy's a cunt. He really is.

What the hell? I said, obviously, the coaching complain. I was shocked but said that I would give it some thought. The two teams will meet again soon. What should I do? Should I tell my son to shake his old coach's hand? Or should I tell the executive board to piss off and worry about parenting their own kids? It is possible for the league to suspend my son. They have not threatened this, but I consider it. But I need to consider the possible repercussions. I'm a big fan. I don't know why, but I respect your opinion. All right, dude, you know what you're dealing with? You're dealing with a guy who's a fucking power happy. He's a psycho. He gets off on this shit. He gets off on the power of telling you, this is my lineup. Sit down. And now I'm going to sit,

you kid. Your kid doesn't fucking shake my hand. He feels like you got one up on him. So now he's going to go down there and he's going to get off. He's not about sportsmanship. He's going to get off on the fact that he's going to make your seed reach out and shake his fucking hand. He'll probably fill up a little bit, the fucking pervert. You know what? Fuck this guy. That's what my gut says. But that's not how the world works. Out in the world, cunts like this win. So there's only one solution here. You got to go fuck with his car. No, I'm kidding. I'm totally against that. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I really don't. You know what? Tell him to shake his hand like he's a lady. Like your son's the man.

When he goes to shake it out, just fucking, just either have him the way he shakes it or he'll just say, just have him say something. Does that make you happy, sweetheart? Just something. Well, you kind of call it a fucking sis. Just something you get. There you go. All right. And every time he goes back to complain or whatever, you got to, yeah, that's it. That's what you got to do. Is the guy, is the guy fat? Maybe he could say something. Hey, great game there, fatty. Hey there, fudgy guy. Fatty is just too mean. I don't know what, there's something. Have him do the handshake so you don't piss off the board. Play, go play his fucking game.

Okay. All right. And you just have him say something or shake it, grab the guy's hand, hold it like it's, like he's a dainty, like he's a dainty fucking pussy that he is. That really annoys me. You know what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking about that fucking, that guy, uh, who they always bring back on survivor who ended up crying when he finally got taken off. Anybody watch it this past season actually got sucked into it. That dude, Boston Ron played the best fucking game I've ever seen. Manipulated the whole fucking game and in the end he gave people the choice of a fucking lunatic and an absolute airhead. And even though they all fucking hated him,

the other two people were so goddamn unworthy of it, they had to give it to him when he won. It was fucking brilliant. I'm sure a lot of people could think to do something like that, but to actually pull it off was ridiculous. And the fucking airhead chick was the linchpin. That was the whole thing. That's why he made it because they should have all turned on Rob on the last fucking round and they didn't. Oh, it was fucking great. It was great. Boston Rob dude. He's not fucking around kid. You know, his fucking wife won it. He won it. It's fucking two million dollars, dude. You know, but does he go down and get us a fucking Boston car? No, no dude. He's keeping

it all for himself. Selfish fuck dude. Um, all right, YouTube videos for the week. What am I? I'm 40 minutes in guys. This is, this is just going to be a short one. It's going to be short just like the fucking dick on that douche fucking with that kid in the little league. What an asshole. What a fucking asshole. When's this game? Maybe some of my listeners can come up with something. Hey guys, what say you fucking contribute to the podcast? You want to do that? Why don't you do that? Give this poor bastard who's out. You can tell the way he wrote it. You can tell my fucking voice is junk. Um, you can tell the way he wrote that that guy's a good

dad. He's also a good person. He's actually looking at this shit from 360 degrees. That's the guy like am I a bad guy or whatever. Give this guy some suggestions on what his kid can do. He's got to shake his fucking hand. I don't want the kid to get suspended. All right. Um, I don't know what else to tell him. It'd help if you could send me a description of what this guy looks like. There's something you got to do. There's got to be something. You know, you got to go passive aggressive here, even though I can't stand passive aggressiveness, but this guy's being a bitch. So maybe this is the time you got to fight fire with fire. I don't know what. Um, all right, underrated overrated for the week. Um,

all right, underrated Captain Kirk of the roots quest love and Jack White are the three most underrated musicians of this generation. Uh, I'd go with Captain Kirk and quest love, but what's his face? Uh, Jack White gets plenty of uh, accolades. They did a goddamn documentary. With Jimmy Page, the edge and now him, aren't they saying he's basically the Jimmy Page or the edge of this era if they do that? No, I don't fucking know. Anyways, it's too bad. Pop stars get all the attention because most people don't appreciate how fucking great Jack White is. All right. You know what? I need to dispel this fucking myth or at least what I feel is a myth. People, if you like quote unquote good music, stop paying attention to pop music and going,

Oh God, what is wrong with this country? What is wrong with the culture? It's 13, 14, 15 year old girls are buying Justin Bieber albums. Okay. There's really no reason to sit there, tear in your fucking hair out, ask acting like 30, 35 year old people are buying this shit. They're not. If they are, they're buying it for their kids. All right. There's always going to be pop culture. Pop culture is not destroying music. It just gives you something to bitch about and makes your band look cooler. So quit your fucking whining. God, I'm so fucking sick of that. I mean, what happened to music? It's always been like that. Oh yeah, the sixties. It was so real with the monkeys and the partridge family. Telly Savales put out a fucking album in the seventies.

All right. It's always been awful and unbelievable. So listen to the unbelievable shit, but you know, just know that kids are listening to that kids, you know, that they're allowed to have music. They're allowed to have leaf Garrett, Sean Cassidy, fucking Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, all of them. They're not for you. They're not saying you have to listen to all these fucking cunts on YouTube who go to these great musician sites. They always have to bring up Justin Bieber. Isn't it sad that Justin Bieber is selling 100 million records and this guy's only selling fucking publicly? No, it isn't. It isn't sad. It's not sad. All right. He's fucking 18 years old. All right. And he's appealing to 13 year old chicks. Good for him. You know,

he made a zillion bucks. Good for him. He's not affecting your fucking music. And if they took him away, they wouldn't go and listen to your fucking jam band. They're 13 year old girls. They're not going to do it. They're just going to look for the next fucking guy. All right. Anyways, what really ruined music was fucking downloading shit for free. That's what ruined it, I think. The internet and all that shit. It just, it splintered the whole thing. And there's no more superstars anymore. I'm not saying the old system was great. It used to get raped in a lot of ways. Stila Music was justification for them charging us $18 for a fucking CD when it only cost them a dollar to make it. They made a ton of fucking money and they raped all of

us for two generations, all right? Or two decades. So, I don't know. But without judging downloading, either way, the whole advent of downloading shit for free is really what I think destroyed it. But anyways, let's, let's plow ahead. Take your pick between any of the six White Stripe albums, two Raycon two albums. I don't want to say that or the two dead weather albums. And you'll see the guy belongs in the conversation with the all time greats. Well, dude, I don't know how you missed it. There's a documentary out there called it might get loud and he gets just about as many props as you could possibly get in that. Anyways, my dad grew up on the Beatles and Zeppelin swears that Jack White is better than all of them. All right. Well, I would swear that your dad took

LSD a little too much if he thinks that Jack White is better than the fucking Beatles. All right. Or even Zeppelin for that matter. Although Zeppelin don't, you know, they got a lot of covers in their fucking catalog. So, I don't know, Jack White, he's writing his own songs, isn't he? Oh, Jesus. Two Bad Maroon 5, Green Day, Nickelback and Coldplay will always outsell him. See, this is where it always goes. Because they cater their music to the radio. Well, that's their prerogative. Green Day is a fucking great band, by the way. It's a fucking great band. Nickelback, yeah. Coldplay, yeah, I get that. I get that. You know, they write those songs you hear at one time, like, oh, that wasn't bad. And then you hear it again, like, oh,

my God, I want to kill everyone who made that song. Although Coldplay is not nearly as bad as Nickelback. But all I can say is get used to it because those bands are always going to be around and those bands will always outsell the better bands. And there's no reason to get mad at it because, you know, most of the people who buy fucking music are in their teens, aren't they? So, that's what the fuck they listen to. All right. Jesus. Let me come down off of my fucking goddamn soapbox here. But I will go, I will say, I saw that dude, Captain Kirk, play live. He's fucking unbelievable. And Questlove is obviously the shit. And I think Jack White's awesome. So, everybody that you picked there, I obviously, obviously agree with. All right. And now, what are

we up to? 47 minutes. 47 minutes, people. I don't know what else to talk about. Oh, I know what I'm going to talk about. What the fuck is my newspaper here? This is at the risk of burning some potential material. This is something you can look forward to watching me go off on in the future on stage. All right. Hang on a second. I got to blow my goddamn nose again. Hold on. Hold on. Let's go. Eat a pastry. Fuck. There we go. Had to get another mustache. Anyways, so everybody saw what happened on Schwarzenegger this week, right?

So, Time Magazine has an article out there. It says, sex lies arrogance. What makes powerful men act like pigs? Okay? So, I look at the who wrote it. It's written by a lady. How fucking funny is that? Sex lies arrogance. What makes powerful men act like pigs? A woman is going to tell the world why guys act the way they act. Do you realize how fucked up? At what point are men going to make a fucking stand here with this, okay, I don't want to come off like a chauvinistic pig here and you're just giving away everything. A guy should have wrote this article. He could have had so much more fucking insight. What the fuck does a woman know? She doesn't know. And the whole thing is just, the whole thing is written

by in the females point of view, which is the only thing you understand is being that woman who got cheated on. So, there's this woman's scorned vibe under the whole article, but there's no information in here. I learned nothing. I was reading it. I learned nothing as a guy and she's fucking wrong on most of her points. One of the great things they like to say is that men of power, the reason why they cheat is because they feel entitled. They feel they're entitled. I'm not going to burn the bit, but that's so not even true. And what kills me is some fucking broad like this. Nancy Gibbs would sit there and argue with me being a lady, a lady. Do you understand what you're doing there? You're basically telling me that you know

how my brain works better than I do. I was watching or the reason why I bought this fucking article because I was sitting, I was watching it on television. I saw the art and then obviously like a fucking magnet. I'm drawn to this. I'm like, I like this topic. I want to hear about this. And then Nancy Gibbs comes on and she's talking to a guy and he's going, really? Oh, is that what it is? Oh, okay. Like, it's, I don't know. It's just, it's fucking horrific. That would be like me. Like, here's something for you. This is like, like women, you're never going to know what it's like to have a dick. All right. So stop it. Stop trying to write articles. Try to stop trying to act like you're in our heads and you know what we're thinking. You don't.

You're always going to be observed. You're going to be an observer. You're sitting on the grassy knoll wanting to know where did the shots come from? You have no fucking idea. You're just coming up with your theories that nerve you to get to cover a fucking time magazine with this horseshit. Just a bunch of horseshit. They got one over there. Listen to this shit. The turning points. This is from another lady. They had two people write about this shit. Elaine. I can't even read a fucking last name. Siolino, whatever. France is having it's a need a hill moment when the law professor testified before the Senate committee in 1991 that a former boss, Clarence Thomas, had sexually harassed her. He denied everything. It was elevated to the Supreme Court. Notice how

the fucking angry cunt leaves out the fact that he was acquitted. The guy was acquitted. She makes it seem like he was accused of that stuff. And because of that, he would, because of that attention, he was elevated to the Supreme Court. But anyways, hearings were a turning, but hearings were a turning point. Women suddenly said that the mad men style of behavior they had been putting up with at work for so long, the leering, the inappropriate touching, the sexual banter was not acceptable. Do you understand that she's not talking about the 1960s there? She's talking about 1991. I'm not saying that that shit wasn't happening, but you know, I was in the workforce there. All right, people weren't walking around going, Hey, toots grabbing people's asses

at work in 1989, 1990, 1991. They weren't. I mean, generally speaking, weren't, but this lady just fucking goes the mad men style, which is from the 1960s. Madison Avenue. Hey, sweetie, go make me a fucking sandwich that era, completely ignoring all the bullshit that happened in the late 60s, 70s, right through the fucking 80s. In the 80s, they were talking about women wearing their fucking little power suits and power ties and all that fucking horseshit. This is all just one of these classic things where you just, you just, you have your angle and then you just, you just write the whole fucking articles, complete horseshit. What the hell is that quote in here I wanted to read? I don't even know. All right, let me tell you something, Nancy. Let me tell you

something, Elaine, those guys don't do that shit because they feel entitled. They don't. All right? They don't. And if you want to know why, come out to a comedy club because I'm not burning the fucking material. I'll talk about it a little bit. I'll talk about it real quick. All right, what it is is women don't understand what it's like to have a dick. They just don't get it. Okay? The fucking thing tells us what to do. You know? And right now they're rolling their eyes because they don't understand the sex drive that we have. How could they? They got a veg. All right? And the thing is, there's no information out there to help people, to help guys out. Nothing. All guys, there's no information about being a guy in general. Hey, keep it in your pants.

That's the sexual advice we get. That's what we get. Fucking, you got Cosmo. There's reams of shit talking about all the folds in your vagina every goddamn month. We get, hey, keep it in your pants. That's the kind of advice guys get. You go to jail. Hey, don't drop the soap. That's it. That's all you get. We get little fucking four sentences and that's how we're supposed to fucking navigate through life. So you're born with a dick. You got this ridiculous fucking sex drive. The only thing that fucking keeps it in check is the fact that women won't fuck you. You got to figure out. You got to talk them into it. You go through dry spells. That's the only thing that prevents a guy from fucking 24 hours a day is other women making it difficult for us to get laid.

But then what happens is when you become in a position of power, these cunts flip the fucking table and will suck your dick under your fucking goddamn desk while your wife sits across from you. So now the governor is taken off. You've never had to control your sexual urges because it was always done for you. You're like a spoiled kid. Now you're fucking famous. You got all these broads coming at you. You don't know what to do because you never really notice how much you've been led around by your dick. Now I'm not saying every powerful guy out there is an angel. There's not. There's definitely some pigs out there. There's definitely some guys out there who do feel entitled, but to just paint it with that broad fucking stroke

of a brush and to have a fucking woman sitting there telling me it's you don't know what you're talking about lady. All right. If they just fucking blows my mind blows my fucking mind that they put two people on this assignment and they were both women. Was that some political correct fucking thing because they were worried that guys were going to say what the fuck I'm saying that basically their husbands would be out fucking everything that moved if women wanted to fuck the way we wanted to. I don't know. And not to mention most people can't handle power and that includes broads. Okay. So you get some guy in a powerful position is he goes already going to go through the fucking roof and then you combine that with the fact

that basically half of the free world will now fuck him and he's supposed to somehow reign that and his only piece of advice is keep it in your pants. You know, I don't know. It's really embarrassing that Time Magazine went this fucking superficial that they just basically, I mean, it was like psych 101 how they broke it down. Even their shit on Arnold Schwarzenegger about how he likes fucking around with girls that aren't beautiful. You know, they said it was because he was intimidated by beautiful women and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. See, they're women. They don't, they don't get the difference between hooking up with the hottie and hooking up with the plain Jane girl who's going to try harder.

Okay. As opposed to the fucking chick who's, who's got 0% body fat and just think she's God's goddamn gift. You've seen that, right? You go to a titty bar, the hottest one there. Does she try as hard as that fucking one in the middle? She doesn't. And after a while, you know what? You start looking at those hotties going, you know what? They're fucking more trouble than they're worth. All right. I want my dick sucked to completion. Who am I going with? The supermodel looking chick or the chick who's just happy to be there? Fucking morons. I don't know. All right. Somehow I made an hour. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. What are we doing here? You guys want to hear that? I did my dates last

week, right? Did I, did I have those up there? What do I got? You know what? I'm actually, I got a couple of weeks off here. I got a couple of weeks off here and I'm not doing goddamn shit. I'm not going to the, I'm not going to the airport. I'm not doing shit. My fucking nose is running. I usually end up doing another rant here, but I got nothing. All right, guys, you got to help me out here. It's fucking May. I'm drinking goddamn Dayquil. What do you want from me? Well, we'd like another 10 minutes. Well, go fuck yourselves. It's not happening. All right. This has been the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 23rd, 2011. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I like to think it was a decent one. A little bit raspy.

You know something? Did I buy the wrong tissues? My nose is going to be all fucking raw. It's going to be redder than my goddamn beard. Anyways, hopefully coming up soon, I will have the schedule for when my episodes of Glee are going to air. And so sharpen your fucking fingers because I know I'm going to get trashed for those, but they're coming up. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. God bless all of you. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.