Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-30-11

Episode Date: May 30, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Memorial Day, M&M's, Keith Moon, and the Vancouver Canucks

Traditions are common, as they areش the other way around like you a length with shawarma苅edang Postprint or kift bread, chocolate or ice cream that is winning 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:39,800 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 30th, 2011. Happy Memorial Day.

Happy Memorial Day. You should be out at a parade for the truth, but you're just sleeping off a hangover because you are a fucking selfish cunt. You wave hello to the troops at the airport, but when they give them a day and you're supposed to be out there, you're laying in your fucking bed, you douche. Hey, what's going on? I'm in my bed, too. I noticed you have braces. I have braces, too.

What's that line from? Hi, everybody. The B for some butthead movie. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Who took Tylenol PM last night? I did. I roofied myself, everybody. You ever just really, really, really fucking tired? Fucking tired, dude. Dude, I slept like a fucking stone kid. I was really tired last night. I was nodding off. I was on my couch, and what the fuck was I doing? I was dealing with my dog who's afraid of the wind.

He's like the wind. Am I going to sing this whole fucking podcast? My dog does not like wind. It freaks the fucking thing out, and it eats its way out of its cage. I call it the cage. The dog trainer calls it the casa, which is Spanish for the cage. No, it isn't. I took two years of espanol, C-View Play, and casa means house.

So what he's suggesting is it's not a cage. Cage implies that it's something negative, and you don't want to have a shut-up, you useless cunt. All right, go trim your fucking beaver and stay out of my head. All right, it's a fucking cage. The dog is in a queue, breaks out of a house, you know? You break into a house. Oh my God, it's so awesome. I have to get in there and see what kind of stuff they have.

You break into a house, but when you break out of a structure, that's not a home, okay? When you don't give a fuck that your gums are bleeding and you're scraping the chest hair off of your torso so you can squeeze through a fucking porthole that your fat-ass body can't fit through, that's not a house. That's not a casa. That's not le maison. Or whatever the fuck it is in French.

Okay, I'm thinking, didn't it be with a CH? What is French for house? Chapeau was a fucking hatch. La chemise was a shirt. Mon chemise et jean. No, mademoiselle, I'll go fuck yourself. You know something, I actually took French one past that, but it was too dumb to go on to French two.

So they actually had French 2A, the triple A of fucking French part de. And I flunked so bad. I flunked that class so badly, my dad made me go back to French one to get the basics. And I then went back and flunked that. Ah, Jesus Christ. Still a little sick here, people.

I wonder why I'm a comedian. That little story I just gave you right there, that I'll let you know right there. That I'll let you know. The fact that I could go back in time and do worse than I did the first time. Did you guys ever see Back to the Future? When Marty McFly goes back,

and he just starts writing all the wrongs, and when he comes back to the future, he's got a Toyota 4Runner, right? And everything worked out and he got the girl of his dreams. I did that in real life. At the same time, I went back to French one, and I actually ended up doing worse. So, because of that, I never liked that trilogy.

Everyone else was just going along for the ride, and I was sitting there going through this fucking bullshit. Alright, he'd go back in time, and he would do even fucking worse. Alright, let's move on here. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. For those of you who enjoy the sound of my voice and feel like you can't get enough of it,

just in case you missed it last week, I actually was on the Adam Carolla podcast. The most downloaded podcast in the history of podcasting. They even had the t-shirts, some sort of Guinness Book of World Records that they set for a number of downloads. I was on last week's episode, and I had a great fucking time,

which was recorded live at John Lovitz's Comedy Club. A comedy club at Universal, a fucking strip mall, whatever the fuck you call that thing. There's this big thing out here called Universal. I think they used to make movies, and at some point they just made a left turn, and they were like, let's just stick like 12 shitty restaurants next to each other

in a big IMAX theater, and then we'll have some stupid rides. And I got a feeling that a bunch of fat fucks in Hawaiian shirts will show up. What do you guys think? They were like, yeah, let's fucking do it. You know what? They were right. They were right.

A bunch of fatties walking around with their swollen feet. You ever look down at fat people's feet? You ever look at that shit? You know, they're already fat because they ate a whole bag of fucking M&Ms on the way over there. One of those giant fucking bags, you know? The kind of bag it's so fucking big that if you were making a brick wall,

if one of the bricks was just the bag of M&Ms, it wouldn't compromise the structure. You could just concrete right over the fucking thing. What's with the yellow brick? That's a big bag of M&Ms, sweetheart. My fat fucking uncle showed up with that, and he dropped it on the ground, and he couldn't pick it up,

and we just sat there laughing at him. And he's like, come on. Come on, help me pick it up, and we just sat there laughing at him. You pick it up, you fat fuck. Come on, earn it. Earn it, Tubby. Hey, look at Uncle Fanny trying to pick up his bag of M&Ms.

Well, see, the problem was there was a bit of a, probably a 15% grade in my front yard, so the fat fuck bends down, and he rolled. He fell backwards on his big toddler ass, and I whacked his head off the curb, and I went to jail for eight months on a manslaughter charge, and I also have to, part of my community service I have to talk about the dangers of bullying.

But in a tribute to him, we took that big bag of M&Ms, and we put it right in the wall there. God rest his soul. What the fuck am I talking about? The Monday Morning Podcast has a donation button, everybody. Do you have a dollar? You got 20 bucks just burning a hole in your pocket?

What are you gonna do with that money, huh? You gonna spend it on that fucking unappreciative cunt sitting across from you right now who can't hear what you're listening to? Huh? You listening to it on your iPod, and she's sitting right across from her? Look at her. Look at that stupid fucking side of her face.

Yeah, you married that. You're legally bound to that. What are you gonna do? Spend another 20 bucks on her? Getting her some sort of fucking, I don't know, appetizer at Applebee's? Is that what you're gonna do? Is that what you're laughing right now, aren't ya?

This is worth the 20, she isn't. She's not gonna give a fuck. What's she doing right now, looking around the room? You know, looking for a fucking different dick with the bigger dollar sign on it? You know, you wouldn't know that this was a holiday with the amount of meanness that I'm spewing here. I'm a little frustrated.

I'm still trying to get over this fucking cold that I've had all goddamn week. And I'm also frustrated because I've been going on stage, going off in support of Lance Armstrong, and I'm really beginning to realize how few people give a shit about bicycle racing. You know, I actually gotta be honest with you. I actually put that out there and somebody connected

with the tour sent me an email. And said he thought that the shit I said last week was fucking hilarious when I was trashing that fucking cunt. That piece of shit. Tyler Hamilton. Tyler Hamilton. You know what, you guys understand, first of all, those of you who are actually keeping up on the Lance Armstrong story,

all four of you, do you understand that he's not gonna get caught? The guy took fucking 500 goddamn tests. He passed them all. So now all they can do is just get people to say that they saw him do it. That's not gonna hold up in court. And not to mention, the people coming forward

are fucking known cheats. You know? Tyler Hamilton, this fucking cunt. This is his background, the balls of this guy. American cyclist Tyler Hamilton announced his retirement Friday. This is an article, April 18, 2009. Oh, I did research this week. Okay, he announced his retirement Friday.

Why? Because he accomplished everything he could accomplish in that wonderful sport. He retired Friday after testing positive for the steroid, DHEA, which he said he knowingly ingested in an over-the-counter herbal antidepressant. Alright, here's a guy who's on antidepressants and he's taking steroids. This is the guy that's gonna bring you down? A known fucking cheat. It was the second doping offense for the veteran rider

who tested positive for... Now, I don't want to offend gay people here. He tested positive for HOMO-logous blood transfusion. He got a big bag of semen evidently shot into his fucking veins to add to the testosterone. Jesus Christ, how the fuck did he win that year? HOMO-globalous blood transfusion. 2004 and served a mandatory two-year suspension

even as he disputed the test results through two rounds of arbitration. These are the kinds of people who are coming up. Alright, this guy's life's over. He rode a bicycle until he was 30. Do you realize how big a hole that is in your resume when you try to get back into the real world and try and get a desk job? Gee, you know, it's weird.

Do you have any sort of job experience? I rode a bicycle from age 8 to 30. Yeah, and then I got fired. I got fired from riding a bicycle, and now I would like a management position. Hey, Tyler, why don't you go fuck yourself? So then what does he do? Jesus, what do I do? Do I write a book?

I don't want to write a book. That's work. What else should I do? What if I just go on 60 minutes and I rat out Lance Armstrong? You piece of shit. Douchebag of the fucking month. This fucking guy, Tyler Hamilton. I just can't believe that shit.

Okay, first of all, people, I'm going to tell you this right now. You can't ride a bicycle. I said it last week. You can't ride a bicycle 30 miles of fucking hour up a goddamn mountain. Alright? For a month.

You can't do that without being on drugs. Alright? So get your fucking heads out of Santa Claus's ass. They're all on drugs. Okay? They're on drugs. Yes. All of them.

So what are you going to do? Are you going to take it away from Lance and give it to the other drugged up guys? This is fucking stupid. This is the 2004 Red Sox versus the 2004 Yankees. I rode it up guys. Beat your rode it up guys. He won seven in a row.

Seven. He won seven in a row. Case closed. On to the next one. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Voices in my head. Stop bringing it up. God damn it.

I got to blow my nose. Hang on a second. I got to hit pause. Alright. I'm back. Jesus Christ. I swear to God. If this fucking cold lasts one more damn day,

I'm shaving the mustache right out of my beard and I'm going to look like fucking Abe Lincoln. Nothing worse than blowing your nose when you got a mustache. It's like a four hour process. Alright. So anyways, back to the damn podcast. Speaking of sports.

How about those Boston Bruins? Huh? All you fucking haters. Where's your team? Huh? They're out there little fucking charity golf game. Raising money for cancer. That's what they're doing.

There's only two teams left people. The Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks. And the only professional sports team that throughout its history has dressed worse than Sinbad. The ugliest fucking uniforms, ladies and gentlemen, known to fucking man, known to all of sports for a good 20 fucking years. Horrific apps.

They came out of the gate wearing the great uniforms of all fucking time. And then what happened? What happened in the 80s? They decided we need to switch it up a little bit. See, the problem is, is not only are they in Canada, they're way on the West Coast. Way out.

They don't even know what the fuck's going on. They don't know what styles are in. So in the fucking early 80s, they switched their goddamn uniform. Something like that. You know what it was? Was Disco finally made it to Vancouver by 1982. And when everybody else was listening to the talking heads,

right, the last couple of police albums, they were still up there doing a little dance, make a rear of, and then they came up with the ugliest fucking goddamn uniform I've ever seen in my life. And the away jerseys were bad enough, but the home ones I'm telling you were the ugly. There's a picture of Cam Neely.

I'm going to have it up on the MMPodcast.com, the official fan page of the Monday Money Podcast, of him in that uniform. And I swear to God, when you see him in that uniform, you would actually consider dropping the gloves with the guy. That's how bad these fucking uniforms are. So these douchebags in their little fucking mining town, way on the West Coast of Canada, way out there,

they live on the other side of the fucking Rockies. Okay, way the fuck out there. All right, like if you were in Seattle and decided that you were going to drive to Alaska, there'd only be one little shit-ass fucking town on the way there, and that town is called Vancouver. Anyone's funny about those cunts? They actually think that they're cosmopolitan up there.

They got a bit of an attitude, people. They think that they have this fucking, oh, let's do some ecstasy. We got a couple of nightclubs up here. All right, so what do these dumb cunts do? After they, for fucking years, wear the ugliest fucking hunk of shit uniform I've ever seen in my life?

I remember being in sixth grade when I saw that uniform, when that is fucking horrific, you know? I'm in sixth grade, people. I just stopped coloring. I should have loved that uniform. That's what it looks like. It looks like when a five-year-old, remember when you did that when you were five,

you grabbed every crayon in the box and you just started writing letters, you know, because you thought that would make the fucking girl look at you, you know? Because you knew you wanted to do something too, but you didn't quite know what because there was no internet, so you didn't know what fucking was yet

because you were allowed to have a childhood, you know? That's what those fucking uniforms look like. And you know what's amazing is these motherfuckers, they finally admit that they made a fashion error and they go back to the original good idea that they had. And then what do they do? They fuck it up. They fucked it up.

They went back to the blue and white with a little bit of green. Then they got to see on that thing and then they got this fucking killer whale coming out of the top of the sea looking like a fucking whale centaur. Terrific. They just, you know what it is? They just couldn't 100% admit

that they made a fucking mistake and just went back to the original, which is what the fuck they should have done, just like the Jets. As dumb as those green cunts are, they realized that those uniforms they wore with Richard Todd and Freeman McNeill were a fucking mistake.

Terrible mistake. Bill Parcells came in, right? With his big fucking bunt pushing out his dockers and he says, listen, we're going back to the original. And they were like, why? What's all these? Because we want to win. Everybody out there is going to go out there dressed like Joe Willie.

You got a fucking problem with that? Wesley Walker doesn't have a ring. Rest my case. Actually, I think he wore it early on. I shouldn't have picked him. Whatever. Marty Lyons never got a ring, even though he looked like Merlin Olsen.

Ah, fuck. Hang on a second. Jesus. All right, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, that's right. The Vancouver Canucks in that little mining town way out there in the West Coast in British Columbia.

Yeah, so they couldn't admit that they made a fucking mistake, so now they got this whale coming out of the letter C. I fucking hate it. I went up there. I went to a game up there and I wanted to get a fucking jersey and I just couldn't get myself to do it.

I was like, all right, I'm living on the West Coast now. I need a West Coast team. I liked the Canucks. I liked that they went back to their uniform and then I looked at it closely and I saw that stupid whale coming out of there. Looking like when that fucking alien thing comes out of that dude's stomach

in that movie I can't remember. You know? That thing that comes out of the fucking alien. Remember in the movie Alien, right? Did I say alien enough times in that sentence? When it opens its mouth and then for some reason, rather than using its big mouth, it uses its little mouth,

you know, of that coming out of the letter C. They just, you know... I don't fucking know. Then they got the fucking twins there. You know? Who has brothers on the same fucking team? Isn't there a rule against that? I know you can't have a bunch of brothers

on the same battleship because of that time in World War II when the boat got sunk and then some poor mom and dad they lost five kids at the same fucking time. Isn't that the same rule with sports? Why do you got two blood relatives on the same goddamn team?

Why is it like a mom and pop? Fucking, uh... Hardware store or something? Ah! The motherfuckers! I'm just trying to work up some hatred. I really don't have any hatred for Vancouver. I really don't even know shit about your city. You know why? Because you're never in the news.

Except once every fucking goddamn millennium you host an Olympics. You know? Why? Because you got snow. It's not because you got a good fucking city. It's not because you got a good fucking city. Hey, Cleo! Knock it off!

Goddamn dog. I have a pit bull that's afraid of the wind. She's like the wind. What is that song about? She's like the wind? Is that about love lost? Do you know I was watching one of these goddamn... these channels that shows

um... you know, it's Memorial Day weekend so they're giving all their talking heads the fucking weekend off. So they're just showing a bunch of rock concerts. And I saw the... here's my underrated for underrated overrated for the week. Underrated the Who live concert video at the Isle of Wight.

Um... Best Keith Moon footage you're ever gonna fucking see. I've never been that into Keith Moon. I like... I love the Who. I love their recorded music, but I've never seen good footage.

It's always... he's always on TV like pretending to drum. You know? Or like magic bus or something like that and he has a weird way of holding the sticks. So just because of that they never seem like there was a lot of power. Then there was that one where he blew his drum kit up

and Pete Townsend hurt his ear. And I always fucking... that was something I always fucking hated. I hated how they destroyed their instruments. If I didn't fucking... You know, just watching Pete smashing a guitar, whenever I watched it I was like, dude, just give it to me.

Give it to somebody in the crowd. Why would you do that? There's a bunch of wannabe rock stars in the crowd that would kill for that guitar. Bah-ha! Peter, you put that guitar down, young man! What's the matter? People teased you about your big fucking nose? You're a rock star now.

Knock it off. Then they blows up that drum kit. It just... it makes you sick. It makes you fucking sick. Me, anyways. So anyway, I never saw any good footage. Dude, that guy... I already knew he was a beast. That guy...

That guy... Fucking... Without a doubt. Without a doubt. One of the most original drummers of all time. Dare I say the most original rock drummer ever. I love fucking John Bonham. He laid down the blueprint.

But when I hear Bonham play I mean, he... Granted, he put it... He put it 20 years into the future. But still, I kind of could see some sort of... I look at Keith Moon.

I don't see any link to what the fuck he... What did he watch? Tito Puente? It's like he was like a percussionist. He should have been standing up with some timbales the way the guy was playing. It's fucking mind-blowing. Absolutely mind-blowing. He's spinning the sticks and he's doing this thing where he

slams it on the snare and it goes flying up in the air. I'm like, that's where Tommy Lee got that shit! So... That's my underrated for the week. Somebody actually has an overrated. Uh... What the fuck is it here? Let me... The state of Florida's sports fans.

Miami Heat Band Wagoners. Florida Marlins. Uh... Orlando fans. Jacksonville Jags. Rumored to be moving at the beginning of two years ago. Florida Panthers suck, etc.

etc. Dude, that is the most lazy overrated. You started off where you were actually making some points and then you just threw out a bunch of topics and you're just putting it on my shoulders. I gotta bring it home. That's what you did. You just started a project like some broad

and then you're like, can you just... Can you come in here and, uh, honey? Can you come in here for a second? What? I thought you said you were cleaning the kitchen. Yeah, I know, I just teach you. I wanted to do it behind the refrigerator. Can you just move it for a second?

No, you fucking move it. See, this is what I'm talking about. Uh, that's what you just did to me and that overrated there. I gotta go off now. Let me tell you something. I hate to tell you this. Every sports franchise everybody's bandwagon.

Alright? Go look at footage of when your team sucked. You know, you think I was watching the Bruins after fucking Ray Bork left? And we sucked a big bag of dicks for like three years? To be honest with you, it had a lot to do with that clutch and grab. Fucking awful shit.

Just a terrible period for hockey. You know? No wonder Tampa won a fucking goddamn. That's why they had the strike. They were like, how fucking bad is our league that the Tampa Bay Lightning just won a Stanley Cup? Did you see that Stanley Cup

parade? There was like eight people there. You know? They thought it was a fucking spit tune. Yeah, so I would say everybody, you know, you got bandwagon, Yankee fans are bandwagon fans. If you watch highlights of them in the 80s or when Roger Maris

broke Babe Ruth's fucking homerun record, I mean, you could have fucking walked up to the gate and bought a stack of fucking 20 tickets all next to each other. Out in the goddamn outfield. You know? Fucking, there was nobody at Bruins games, nobody at Celtic games when we sucked, then we get the big three

and then all of a sudden everybody's there, everybody's got bandwagon fans. Man, I also think Jacksonville is moving out because it's Jacksonville. You know? What, are they got one radio station out there? No one gives a fuck about them. I don't know. I don't think the state of Florida

has bad sports fans. They got fucking unbelievable college football, the Hurricanes, the Seminoles. Who else they got? They got the Florida fucking Gators. Maybe if they're fucking college sports weren't so great,

they would actually show up to a program. I don't know. Other than in Tampa. Tampa just sucks, man. They got the buccaneers. Right? We've just sucked every year about one. Why am I still picking on them? They're in the rear of your mirror. Congratulations.

What a fucking playoff series that was. By the way, I'm just breaking balls, by the way, for all you dumb cunts who actually take this seriously. Bill Burr hates Tampa. He doesn't like Vancouver. No, my teams are playing you guys and my team is not as good as your team.

So what I do is I just trash your city. And if you're dumb enough to take the fucking bait, I get a nice debate going. Because if you want to argue facts, all you had to do as a lightning fan is just say, well, we wanted no for you fucking dumb cunt and then that would have been the end of it.

But you were too stupid to do it. You sat there defending houseboats for some unknown reason. So anyways, the Stanley Cup Finals this year is this Boston Bruins versus Vancouver Canucks, in case you haven't figured that out. And we haven't won it since 1972 and the Vancouver Canucks have never

won it. So, if you ever wanted to get into hockey, this would be the series to watch because the fans are going to be ridiculously excited. Because one group of fans have been waiting for 39 years and the other group have been waiting their entire hockey

lives. So, predictions for the series. That's exactly what I did the last time. I'm picking the other team and maybe I'll jinx them. I think once again the other team has too much

firepower with Henrik Sendin and whatever his fucking brother's name is. Ryan Kessler and then they got Luongo. Luongo, you can rattle though. You know, Kessler's just a pretty boy now. You know, he took all his anger

out of the game. They start to fucking play off series versus San Jose. Joe Thornton goes, you want to fight? And he didn't do anything. He just took the face off. Skated away with his shredded J crew body. You know, it's like, what are you

doing dude? You're playing hockey, you're trying to be an underwear model. I don't understand what you're doing, Ryan Kessler. Alright, so, but he isn't American. So, I do like that aspect of him. The other teams are actually direct descendants

of Nazi SS soldiers. Not just some fucking regular guy worked in a fucking warehouse and then he got put in a guard tower. Hey, I'm just doing my job. I'm talking about people who executed that horrific final solution.

So, you know, if you're rooting for the Canucks out there people, you're saying thumbs up to the Nazis. I'm just putting that out there. Look at that one, people. No, I think it's going to be a great fucking series. I got a feeling the Bruins are going to win game one

and just scare the shit out of that little mining town up there. I really, I really got a feeling. I got a feeling Chara's going to score a goal, you know, against all odds because he loves taking a fucking slap

when there's no one in front of the net from the fucking red line and he loves to shoot right at their pancreas, too. But I got a feeling it's going to fucking get in between his goddamn elbow and the side and then Luongo is going to get rattled. He's going to get pulled in the second period.

Lucic is going to have a goal to shut up all you Boston Cunts who are trashing him, you dumb fucks. Shut your faces. How many stars are we going to run out of town because they have a bad couple of weeks? I guarantee you at the end of the

season, Jean-Claude or whatever the fuck his name is, is going to fucking, Georgie Animal Steel, our fucking coach for the Bruins. Claude Julian is going to fucking say that Lucic has a lower body injury. That's what I'm guessing.

He's just not going to say it because there's a piece of shit out there who would actually go after the injury. But I don't know. I think we're going to win. We got to win the cup. Oh, would that be glorious. That would be enough to knock me right out of my sobriety.

You know, I went to a fucking party yesterday and I actually showed up with a rack of blue moon and handed it over and I watched other people drink it. And I was just, I really questioned my citizenship at that point. Like, am I, am I still a citizen of this country that I just fucking did that? This is how

bad I want to drink people. I actually got into a conversation about booze at this party and somebody brought up Fredericksburg, Texas which is an hour and a half outside of Austin, Texas. Neverdently, it's an all German

town speaking of Nazis. Okay. Now, I don't know if you guys realize this, but I'm actually mostly German. I've mentioned this before. That's why I have a jawline and I don't have that 100% Irish potato face. Okay. I don't look like

I fucking woke up face down in a plate of fucking mashed potatoes like a lot of my Irish brothers do. Okay. I don't look like that. I don't look like, you know, I never knew my dad because

he got so drunk and he fell face first into his shepherd's pie and is that actually English? I don't fucking know. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So there's this town called Fredericksburg which is actually my middle name, William Fredericksburg

Burr. I don't know if you guys ever knew that. And it's this all German town and evidently when you drive into town there's like one fucking street, main street, right? And this is the way it was described to me at the party. You know, I barely was listening. I was just staring at the bubbles in the guy's

beer. That's how bad I want to drink now. And the first half of it is a bunch of antiques for the ladies. And the second half, though, is just a bunch of October Fest type bars. And I was thinking like, God

damn it, I want to go to that town and drink out of one of those big things. We got to press it down with your thumb and have the little fucking crown open up. What, the beer stein? That's how bad I want to drink now, people. So I want to ask people, people, people of

the podcasting world who are listening to this thing. Um, what's the deal with Fredericksburg, Texas? I want to know, is it worth the trip? I'm in Austin. What am I going to go down to the Etsy section again?

Down there, I've done that a zillion times. I want to drive up to Fredericksburg, get absolutely shitfaced and then drive home drunk back to Austin, get pulled over by some fucking goddamn cop in a horse. You understand what states you're in, Texas, don't mess with Texas.

Then I, I, I know how to sweet talk my way out of that, right? I just unbutton a couple of buttons from my button down. Show off a little bit of red chest there and I just start complementing his, his sidearm. Is that a six-shooter?

You know what it is? It is a six-shooter. I could put this on eBay and get over a hundred grand for it, but I got it from my daddy. You got it from his daddy's daddy. His daddy's daddy. I just drive away. Did I mention we have a donation button

on themmpodcast.com? Did I mention that? I always forget to mention that. So just donate whatever the fuck you can donate and I swear to God if you guys donate this week, I will, I will donate five dollars towards the United Nations

fund for curing the common cold. Do you know the common cold doesn't kill over seven million people every year? Do you realize that? But it makes over four billion people unbelievably uncomfortable and in

some extreme cases even in the month of May. So please give a dollar give seven do whatever you want to fucking do. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be on the NHL Live today.

NHL Live at 2 10 p.m. Pacific time. They're going to be calling me on my cell phone and they're going to be a do what do you think about the playoffs you know and I'll be okay about the Bruins I gotta be thinking I can't wait

I cannot wait alright last week I told you that I read that story about that that fucking douche who brought in the ringer wasn't playing this guy's kid and then when he complained the parent complained you know

they kept the kid on the bench and then the next year his kids on another team and then he's playing against this douche coach and at the end of the game his kid didn't shake his hand and this fucking fag went to the goddamn league and now

is saying that this kid has to shake hands so the dad's like what do I do what do I do so I was trying to think of a cunty way for this kid something he could do to this guy so this is a solution someone came up with said tell that kid to shake that coach's hand for an awkwardly long

time actually really like this idea holding on when the coach tries to pull his hand away and the whole time smiling maybe throw a wink in there too you know a passive aggressive fuck you love the podcast I think that's great I would actually

clasp it with both hands like you just signed some sort of monumental peace treaty like you know it would be great have his his dad come down do you remember when Jimmy Carter got

was at Amor Sadat instead begging guy to shake hands sign a peace treaty between Egypt and Israel or something like that and they both shook hands and then Jimmy Carter made it like a handshake sandwich using his hands

as the buns standing basically perpendicular to them so I think that that's what should happen I think he should shake the guy's hand clasp it with both hands and then you hire a Jimmy Carter look-alike to fucking sit there and you just smile and you don't let

go until that guy finally pulls his hands free and you never stop smiling and you never stop looking in the guy's eye how's that I like that you guys like that solution I do um does anybody else have any more stories

about that that seems to be an overwhelming not overwhelming that's the wrong word Jesus Bill Jesus Christ the whole podcast was going great and then what you do you pick the wrong fucking word the fuck is wrong with you read the goddamn copy did I ever tell you guys

you guys always think that this show is improvised it isn't I actually write it out I spent $15,000 on my own professional grade camera and teleprompter right now I'm reading all of this including this right now it's just scrolling right now you know that whole I'm bad at reading out loud is

it's all just an act anyways does anybody else have any stories about that that type of behavior rather than overwhelming I know it's a reoccurring theme that's what I was trying to say you know where somebody becomes a coach

and uh you know they're getting to live out this Vince Lombardi fantasy and then they start thinking well I sucked as an athlete or I wasn't good enough to make it to the pros and then when they start coaching just immediately that competitive thing kicks in again and they forget that they're coaching a bunch

of fucking eight year olds and they start walking around like fucking Mike Ditka you know chewing gum like they just got done finishing a fucking eight ball of coke in case you thought I was talking about pool I had to say of coke alright I'm sorry people a little

congested does anybody else have any stories of that I actually uh I had good coaches when I was growing up except for my football coach I remember he used to kick me in my fucking legs I only played one year of football my parents didn't like it because I came home with all these bruises and they showed up at practice

and they saw the coach kicking me in my legs I remember I used to move when we were doing leg lifts because that's what you want third graders to do leg lifts to make sure they get that 12 pack so we're doing these leg lifts and uh you know whenever your legs would come down you come over

and he'd kick you in the side and give you like a Charlie horse so I used to move my thigh pads over to the side this was the 70s people when you could kick kids not only could you kick them you can kick them in front of their parents it was fucking great does anybody have any stories of just some

uh coaches just going totally over the top here's a new sound for you guys see if you guys can guess what this sound is alright and it's not me blowing my nose on the mic what was that? what was that noise? you hear that? that might sound like me

wiping up my mustache yeah fucking disgusting I'm playing hockey tomorrow I wear a full fucking shield and I have a runny nose do you understand what I'm going to look like I'm going to be looking like I'm fucking almost at the summit of Mount Everest by my

second shift is that icicles in your mustache? what is going on? no it's just snot alright now that I got rid of the ladies on the podcast speaking of ladies there's a little down time between the eastern

and western conference finals and the finals in the Stanley Cup so I had four fucking days of oh my god how am I going to fill up the time and I don't know what happened I put on ESPN and I've somehow got into the ladies softball fucking world

series I love it I absolutely love it I want to face one of those fucking pictures you got a lot of guys out there they laugh at that shit dude I'd fucking put it in the cheap sheets if I ever fucking

the dead giant goddamn ball first of all they pitch the ball from like four feet away and it comes underhand and they do it so fast it looks like it's coming right out of their baby maker you know like some sort of fucking Nolan Ryan meets some

hoary stripper you know the ones that shoot the ping-pongs out of their twats this looks like the softball it's just coming at this weird fucking angle I would love to do it because their ballparks are really small so if you actually made contact they pitch it

so fast it's going over the goddamn wall and then you get to run around you get to run around the bases but you're not going to get winded because I think it's like 45 feet to each base it's ridiculous basically if you there's no leading I think in women softball

because once you take a lead you're basically at second base or all you have to do is just you know fall down and you're you're safe at second actually there is leading alright before some fucking bulldog of a woman fucking starts giving me shit about it I understand

and now dude speaking of Royds okay if you're going to tell me those women in ladies softball like there's a just there's enough women built like that to fill up fucking like nine different teams I'm not buying it okay those girls I'm

telling you right now would run me the fuck over now the damn batteries ran out again and the memory was full I don't know what the fuck happened son of a bitch alright what the fuck was that I was talking about those goddamn softball ladies I'm telling you man those girls

if they did the old pack of sweep pitched it out to any one of them but they fucking they could run over Ray Lewis but I'm telling you it's a great goddamn sport and you know what it only took a couple of seconds for you to listen to me

you know go from what I was just talking about to what I'm talking about right now but in my world it was like five minutes and I can't remember what the fuck I was talking about so that's going away oh that's so frustrating I was really enjoying what he was saying about those

fucking goddamn bulldogs who play fucking softball they're actually not bulldogs there's some of them they're kind of cute you know I like some fucking thick thighs I'll take you down you know even with that grease under your eyes

ah Jesus alright by the way we have a new video everybody we have new video up on the mmpodcast.com remember not last week but the week before I was hyping the cage versus cons MMA event

where they have cops fighting X cons MMA style in the octagon at the LA sports arena well the Monday morning podcast brand new man in the street Jason Lawhead Jason Lawhead who has his own

sports podcast with Bill Bartnick and John Campanera Campanera is in the name of the podcast is called men are talking so anyways he was out there he covered the event for us with Sam Tripoli

another hilarious comedian and they made a really great video if you want to see what it was like it looked like it was a fucking great time definitely the crowd was way more for the cons than was for the cops a lot of tattoos were gotten

a lot of weed was smoked and I think you guys ought to check it out it's a great video it's on the mmpodcast.com so after you're done hitting the donation button right on the right hand side right underneath the facebook fucking icons check out that video also I did another video

it's going to be up later on this week I did another one of my famous internet tours of the city I did a tour of New York City that's going to be up I ran into somebody not to get all hollywood on you I'm not going to name a name

but I was out in an Italian restaurant and as I was walking out there was somebody famous sitting there who hosts a talk show and it wasn't Conan and it wasn't that guy from Scotland

and I said hey what's up to him and he mentioned that he saw my he fucking watched the one that I did and I got a big kick out of that go and look at the goddamn internet famous people are on the internet too I didn't realize that I always thought like famous people

that are on TV so they don't watch it they like read books or you know go out and go buy like a fucking Ferrari or something it's always just blow my mind but whatever we got this great video up there The Cage vs. Cons

and I'm going to have one tour of New York City my tour of New York City which I did when I was just starting to catch this cold I was in a miserable fucking mood so it might come off a little more angrier than usual but it seems like a lot of you guys enjoy that shit so definitely check that out on AMMPodcast.com

the official podcast page of the Monday morning podcast alright we have 45 minutes in people you know what that means that means I got 15 minutes to go so it's got to be time for the advice section and that was actually if I had some sort of

production quality on this we would have gone into some music right there it's time for advice with your host Billy Burr and I'm ripping off this melody from somebody else

alright uh dear Bill I am 34 years old and have been married to Linda ah jeez he named the name right out of the gate oh the lovely Nia comes walking in right as I'm about ready to do advice what are the odds of that why don't you go grab yourself a microphone it's in the

closet my closet alright and don't go snooping around in there I got some fucking incriminating evidence in there god damn fucking broads can't ever keep their faces out of your shit let me see if I can put this in here

here we go we're gonna get this going right here anyways well I'm reading the first one without you um I'm 34 years 34 years old and been married to Linda my wife for about five years we met on an online dating website isn't that amazing they met online

and they've already been married for five years how long has the internet been around isn't that fan that's that's really phenomenal starting to feel old um ah Jesus Christ can you tell I hit pause again people fucking can't what am I doing here alright here we go uh dear bill I'm 34 years old

I already said that shit he's been online for fucking five goddamn years um we met on an online dating website immediately felt a special bond we dated for three years but I knew she was the one wait a minute did I read this last week

oh yeah I read this one last week I'm on the wrong fucking page oh Jesus oh Jesus hang on a second alright where the fuck are we alright advice dear bill I've got a few shitty things going on in my life right now that I need to vent about

also I would like to hear your advice okay you guys don't need to have fucking intros like that just ask me the advice because then I'll read them and sound like a shithead first things first I live in South Carolina and I think you can guess that that pretty much blows

I'm 22 years old and I just graduated from college with a degree in psychology my job outlook is pretty bleak right now and I just got laid off from my shitty delivery job Jesus Christ what the fuck is going on in this country this dude has a degree in psychology

and he's delivering fucking entomance cakes to supermarkets and he gets laid off um because I must have applied for at least 30 jobs at this point and I've stopped applying for the ones that I'm under qualified for and I've started sorry and I'm still unemployed

I don't understand why the access of entry into the restaurant industry is so fucking high I can't even get a job serving because they keep telling me we only hire people with two years of experience well it's the laws of supply

and demand if we weren't in the middle of a recession you could walk in there with the coming out of prison and they'd let you work the goddamn mesquite grill um yeah I worked in a restaurant it was such a good economy

it was like 1987 wait a second that was right after Black Monday I don't know maybe it was a south I have no idea I worked at this place called Disabled Cafe in Kerry North Carolina way back in the day and uh

we used to have this douche who used to came in he was on work release he was in prison and they would let him out so he could wash dishes and work his way back now watch this he actually worked the fucking cooking line he was above me right I was a bus boy slash grill chef slash dishwasher

because the restaurant was slowly going on a business slash hottie as uh oh jeez as people as people gradually quit they would fucking uh they would just give me their jobs and an extra 50 cents an hour and I was like whoa I'm raking in the dough

because I sucked at math I didn't realize that they were paying me 350 an hour and a grill guy $5 an hour they weren't paying 850 an hour but two guys to paying me $4 an hour for fucking I'm a dumb fucking moron so anyways this douche used to come in

and I remember one time I came walking in the back and I'm doing three fucking jobs we were slammed and I said I go we're out of glasses what the fuck we're out of glasses then this guy in work release goes well why don't you wash some ah a novel idea

that's what he said you can get renaissance man really really there's Shawshank the fuck are you doing after work huh fucking carving a goddamn hey watch all the steak knives make sure Conti over here doesn't take him back with your felon beard

you're this stupid fucking almond brother's facial hair I fucking cunt and it still bugs me cause I didn't say anything to him cause I got intimidated even though I thought I could take the guy but I was like this guy's been in prison you know he's gonna beat me up and then rape me fuck it I think I'll wash some glasses

so anyways um he goes if I can struggle through four years of school then I think I can get the hang of slinging tater skins and onion rings in a few weeks what is what is there to learn oh this guy's trying to get a cooking job

a cooking job or a serving job well I thought he meant like being a waiter but now it sounds like he's talking about actually cooking yeah dude you can't learn on the job at a restaurant no you do was that underdone I'm sorry they're not coming really oh no but he's talking about cooking he's not

cause I thought he said he was having a hard time getting a job as a server cause that you can learn in like two seconds no that's what he said but now all of a sudden he's talking about slinging tater skins and onion rings I think he just means serving it slinging doesn't slinging mean yeah but didn't he say earlier that he was trying to get a job

he's been on a podcast for three minutes already disagreeing with me didn't he say earlier that he was trying to get a job serving what is there to learning let me get back to this what is there to learn in the second year of restaurant experience that you can't get in the first year or even the first six months this I agree with

how in the hell am I supposed to get a job I'm also being cut out from financial support of my family who helped put me through school if I can't start paying bills then I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents in a shitty small town that is about an hour away from the city I live in job outlook there is even worse

I can't move away from my friends and girlfriend me and my girl don't live together but she's offered a lot of needed support and most importantly she supports me pursuing comedy it's my dream to become a comedian and I can only go so far while I live in South Carolina

that's true now what is it that he can only go so far living in South Carolina as a comedian you become the next goddamn cable guy dude there's people this I guarantee you in South Carolina there's a guy there who's the king of South Carolina

and we've never heard of him every state I've been to and they fucking make six figures a year I don't understand what he's saying obviously he doesn't want to be the king of South Carolina he wants to get in movies and TVs become a nationally headlining act I don't understand what you're saying

but I'm just saying you can make fucking money there there is money to be made with those fucking idiots there all you gotta do is just do a Ric Flair impression he lives out there I would like to move to New York City but won't be able to do that if I'm not able to save up money and I definitely won't be able to do that

anytime soon because I am awaiting a trial for a DUI I got back in January this story just keeps getting unraveled more and more every sentence becomes as something else that's why country songs are so sad these people live it

living in South Carolina I love my girls I love my vagina and I can't get a job washing dishes did you just rhyme Carol I gotta DUI and I don't know why cause the cop was even

drunker than me and the song should be called I know I'm not Ric Flair cause I know I ain't Ric Flair and I know I don't bleach my hair but I got a dream would you help me

get your hand off your gun I'm starting to get scared alright go fuck yourselves anyways the trial is this September and if I lose my license I will only be set further back for my goals yeah you think

not to mention I'm growing weed in my apartment it's a one bedroom with bay windows and I think my neighbors are starting to catch on I am trying to hone my skills here do you say that oh Jesus somebody went out late last night

I'm trying to hone my skills here but I can't afford to keep driving to open mics that are at least an hour away across the state North Carolina by the way I've stopped drinking irresponsily and I'm sorry that this email ran a little long respectfully

so and so gotta love how the politeness of the South I know this is a respectful yeah probably one of those plantation chicken ties on holding on to his lapels four skulls in seven years that's how they get you they get you with the politeness

they do that's the uh as someone who grew up in the South I know you know what that's called Southern Hospitality it's masking so much yeah you know what that is that's called the old Stonewall Jackson the old Stonewall Jackson

hey I surely would like to help you don't you look pretty today way I ain't trying to be disrespectful right and then you fucking turn the corner let me tell you something about that boy that boy would fuck mud

if he thought a rock was under it um and a fucking snake well what's going on with the thing here that boy would fuck a rock if he thought a snake was under it so what is he asking he's asking me how the fuck he gets out of all this bad shit

he lives in South Carolina let's recap shall we lives in South Carolina can't get a job slinging fucking tater tots to fucking faties who are wearing overalls and somehow the crack of their ass is still hanging out of it he got a DUI

he's gonna have to move back home with his parents an hour away where the job shit is even worse than it is where he is right now and he got ah Jesus Christ and he wants to live his dream I mean I only see one solution here other than hitting the lottery

you gotta start dealing weed I mean yeah he's in South Carolina can't he grow some tobacco yeah just starts selling weed wacky tobacco wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute there's something going on with this fucking sound here ah Jesus Christ

see people this is why I need you to hit the donation button we here at bill bar PBS here I think I need a new mixer or some new wires didn't he say something about being a psychology major or something aren't you supposed to do some sort of internship at a place after you do school and that's how you

get entry into a job he doesn't want to do that this guy wants to be a comedian so what he needs he wants to be a stuff so what he needs he needs some sort of hustle to get him out of this shit alright dude this this will make you feel better guess what happened to me right before I became a stand up comedian I lost

my license for drinking and driving and I didn't get started the batteries going low on this thing hello hello there we go oh the thing got unplugged that sounded badass when it

starts to come out hello take me to sorry alright here we go I'm back what did I do I just hit a fucking button here now there's other things lit up which was never lit up before oh you fucking whore alright let's let's wrap this thing up

this is what you gotta do dude you gotta uh you gotta get through your DUI um I don't know what to tell you man you gotta somehow try and find a fucking job ah fuck

I lived at home with my parents I had a day job and then I and I did comedy at night and I saved every fucking dime I drove a piece of shit car and when it died rather than get a new one I I just had him throw a new engine in my old one so I only went like 1500 in debt

rather than 15 grand that's what I did so listen if you want to be a fucking comedian you want it bad enough you're gonna figure out how to do it you're in a hell of a situation there you gotta get a fucking job dude I would open I take any fucking

job you can take landscaping anything you can do get through this fucking DUI horseshit and despite the fact that you work all day you still gotta go out and you still have to do those open mics

you gotta do it and as hard as it's gonna be it's gonna it's gonna make you tough and that's what you gotta be to make it in the world you gotta be tough you gotta get up but you know what you've been knocked on your ass you flat on the back flat on your back and you gotta

get up right the ref's over you right now six seven most people just lay there I'm gonna go fucking lay between my mom's titties and just say I quit in life you're not gonna do that are you you're gonna pick yourself up

you should have seen the look she just gave me I'm trying to inspire him this kid is in a fucking hole yeah but he can get out of it he's gotta suck it up how would you get out of it I would do like you said I'd have to take any job that I could get but I'm a subtext so maybe I could get no

I was thinking babysitting you pervert you'd whore yourself out no I wouldn't why why why why my name is near boo boo boo boo boo and I got some high heels do do do do who wants to fucking hit this I want to be a comedian you wouldn't sell

your ass if you had to sell your ass can you stop saying sell your ass if you had to do it thank you if you had needy to become a lady of the evening a lady

of the evening if I had to do it I wouldn't go out on the street that's for sure how would you do it I would set up like a website or something I'd be one of those high-class broads oh yeah I'd meet you in like the lobby of a hotel I'd be make it classy make it classy what would be the theme song on your website

do do do do do do do do whatever LOL I want LOL I get LOL I get that little man I don't even know that song but I would I would be interested in that but if you had that song and you were wearing a veil

that would freak me out why would I wear a veil just that's what that song just made me think of whatever LOL I want LOL I get to you just have this veil and you're doing this really bad dance and it just cancels out your hotness um you ever had the guys you ever had that

you ever have a girl just do something so weird it cancels out like how good looking she is maybe a laugh like pete because she's so drunk I was thinking more like hammer toes coming out of some fucking you know pair of sexy shoes when are you gonna get the shoes with the red soul on it so you can make all those

other whores jealous when you buy me a pair bitch your birthday is coming up and I can tell you right now I don't know what you're getting but I can tell you what you're not getting what do you mean you don't know what I'm getting overpriced horseshoes you know I do it last second

you've seen the birthday cards I give you do you remember the one I gave you last year that had to do with golf and I just sort of scribbled it out LOL they were out of birthday cards LOL I told you the shoes that I wanted to get and the purse so you had all that information

they didn't have the purse I went to the place they didn't have the purse you probably didn't ask for it right what do you mean I didn't ask for it right purse can I have are you lying did you actually get it and you're gonna surprise me no you know what the reality is

I never went there what you're such an asshole what is wrong with you no you weren't yes I was you're sick in the head well you know what

I can tell you where to go in LA to get it we're getting on topic here yeah you're exposing the spoiled little brat that you are who is fault is that mine because I went out I would buy you stuff that you wanted thinking that that would

shut you up that's not why you got it for me why you got it because you love me what do you know I love most about you shut your trap that's what I like best about you when you're not running your yap

and you just fucking rubbing my head as I watch sports that's what I like that's all I need out of you Nini all those stupid shows where they go fucking way to a man's heart is through his stomach no it isn't shut your trap rub my head as I'm watching the game and order a pizza right then

no you like when I cook for you the end of the night a little sexual I hate fucking cooking for you you love that didn't you tell me when I wasn't here for a couple days you felt like at a loss because you're so dependent on me cooking when you were walking around the apartment

like oh what do I do I did was pathetic I felt like the male stepford wife I was just like you didn't know how to pay bills I know how to pay bills you take that back lady

I'm just fucking with you I used to know how to cook I used to cook shit there was food and I would cook it and I would make it and it tasted delicious I'm back in the day I made lasagna you used to make the salmon too I used to make that

I had the beef stew with a big piece of bay leaf you used to set it and forget it to make rotisserie style chicken set it and forget it underrated I don't know I think I threw that thing out why?

with those big rubber gloves I can't handle the chicken those things were gross those things were like the fucking sex offender they were so fucking crazy they came with these

these big rubber gloves they didn't move that was the thing they were like formed to some murderers hands and you just had to slip your hands into them because they were so worried about getting you getting burned they didn't want to get sued they went all the way up to your elbows like Jackie Kennedy

but they were these big fucking Herman Munster gloves they were this off white they looked worse color they looked filthy before we even got them but getting back to the set it and forget it that's right studio audience

that thing was the shit I made a pretty good chicken it was a great chicken they had it down and it came out it was golden brown and he had fucking lunch meat for the fucking week the only thing that sucked was on top the way they claimed the heat

would somehow steam the vegetables that shit didn't work so I took out my walk and that was it hey by the way how sweet is that guitar I bought it's beautiful I bought the best god damn guitar I absolutely

I was on fucking six flights in 15 days I caught a code I caught a code I did those two episodes of Glee and the one episode sorry shot on two days and then I did DC and I did New York in the middle of that

so every once in a while I will actually go out and I'll spend a little money on myself and I bought a Gibson SG that is white left handed white with the black pickup not black pickup the black pickguard

and this thing sounds so fucking good even I sound good on it playing that Aerosmith this week seasons of weather remember you came in and all of a sudden you were hypnotized by it you don't remember that woman?

I've been having a good time I've been having a good time with it so anyways that is it that's the podcast for this week I want to thank Jason Lawhead and Sam Tripoli you got to see that video Jason Lawhead is

an incredible person we love Jason Lawhead he has an incredible podcast with Joe Barton called Men Are Talking the two of them have a podcast? oh my god I have to hear this these are the two guys if you're going to go out drinking

or if you just want to hang out with these guys throwbacks old school guys guys guys these are the guys when I go to the Rose Bowl every year these are the guys our partners in crime these are the guys I stumble into the Rose Bowl

with Cuban cigars and then people scream at us and we have a great fucking time yeah so that's up on themmpodcast.com if you want to donate we really appreciate it and we're going to be doing some more video definitely and starting to add those

on themmpodcast.com I think I've said that enough okay so upcoming dates upcoming dates for Mr. Burr where the fuck official website okay billburr.com I'm going to be at the Chicago theater on June 15th

doing one of those antisocial network tours with the wonderful Jim Norton the fabulous Jim Brewer and the always adorable David Telf adorable David Telf yes these guys are all the kind David Telf is a sweet heart of a guy I realized that

when we went and we visited those troops at the Pentagon the wounded warriors who visited these soldiers you know we didn't know what to say or whatever dude Dave was in his fucking element he fucking lit up and was going to

I just followed his lead and it was awesome man that's so good you guys are that oh and it's Memorial Day too yeah and what are we doing sweatpants in our bed you know should we go into a parade or something alright and on June 29th I'm doing the

this is a very special one here this is the Greg Geraldo benefit at the Wiltern Theater all proceeds go to his wife and kids and you know definitely people come out to that one yeah that's a huge one definitely if you're going to do anything

even if you're in Chicago drive out the fucking L.A. for that one what else real quick these are more anti-social network dates on July 1st I'm at the Paramount Theater in Seattle Washington just south of that adorable mining town Vancouver

and then on the 3rd I'm going to be in Vegas at the Pearl Theater Palms Resort Casino and guess who's not going no I'm coming 4th of July is the next day

fuck you I'm coming out I want the world to know you go fuck yourself you're staying home you only support me when I go to good cities why don't you when I need you

when I go to Tampa how come you don't come out for that one I came out to Florida with you one time Miami yeah you only go out to the San Juan chat chat chat chat chat alright we're becoming like Donnie and Marie right now

and I'm really fucking getting douche chills I gotta get off this alright that's the podcast for this week that's it go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week and I don't know grab your ladies titties for me alright that's it I'll see you next week

see you next week