Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-11

Episode Date: May 9, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles from the KROCK studios and talks to Dave Attell via phone baby!

We also look back on the second episode on TheWerldinetKLein.be. Hey what's going on, it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. May 9th, 2011. How the hell are you guys? Yeah, that's fucking great. I'm here at the K-Rock Studios this week, a very special, very special edition of the Monday Morning Podcast because I'm doing this huge comedy tour that Jim Norton put together with stars Jimmy Norton, David Tell, Jim Brewer and myself, the anti-social network tour and

we are hyping the date May 13th. We're going to be in Washington DC at Dar Constitution Hall or some shit. I don't know. I don't know why. That's Omar laughing in the background. He's going to be doing the, actually working the boards. People have always complained about how awful my levels are. You know what I like to do?

I like to take the base and turn it all the way down and then just crank up the high ends. Nice. It makes people's ears bleed. Absolutely. That's what I go with. So anyways, we're going to be hyping that this week. Jim Norton is actually going to call in. David Tell is going to call in.

Jim Brewer was actually too busy. So whatever. We got two out of three. You know, one of the biggest tours out there. As I've said before, the Miami heat of comedy tours or possibly the Ocean's 11. If seven of them died tragically and then four decided to carry on and do a fucking comedy show. So anyways, we're waiting for Jim Norton to call in at this moment.

So let's do what I always do. I'm going to riff. Omar, if I look at you and I look panicked. And I'm feeling fucking nuts. We'll riff a little bit. Okay. But until then, just act like I'm not even here. All right.

We'll do it. Let's just make this as fucking weird as humanly possible. Okay. Really uncomfortable. So anyways, let's see. What is going on? What are we going to start with this week? Why don't we start talking about sports, everybody?

The fucking Bruins finished off the goddamn Filthy Flyers, which made me feel good. And for all Flyer fans out there, I'm not even going to talk shit. I'm not even going to gloat because I was beyond nervous when we were up three games to none because of what happened to us last year. And I was actually, I was actually praying, not praying, I was kind of hoping on some level that you guys would win one of the first three games. So even if we lost the series, it wouldn't again be from fucking being up three games to none.

So I have to admit, I don't know if you've noticed, but when you guys tied up game four at 1-1, did you notice how quiet the fucking garden got? So we were all nervous about that shit. But that's it, man. Enjoy your golfing. Go fuck yourselves with your little fucking Cream Sickle uniforms. It's over. It's fucking over for you once again.

And hopefully we won't be right behind you because I'm fucking nervous about playing Tampa Bay because they have, they got three cunts on that team that can put the biscuit in the basket as they say. And really, I don't fucking know. It's the Bruins. You know what I mean? Every time you get excited and you're like, you know, this might be the year. This could be it.

I was speaking of filthy flyers. What about that bullshit at the end of the game? Was it because we scored two empty net goals that you decided to give Patrice Bergeron a mild concussion? The basic, the Jason kid of our fucking team. Is that what you had to do? I'm really happy that what's his face, Josh Hartnall actually shaved off all that fucking hair that he had.

I really hated that home Mac Davis look that he was rocking. And I got to admit, I didn't even notice him in the series. I think he's like Thor, like he cut off his fucking hair. Who's the guy? If you cut off his fucking hair, Samson, is it Samson, Samson, are you one of those comic book nerds who will get into all this? No, no, no, no. Fuck no.

You asked me anything about comic books. I don't have any clue. Yeah. All these fucking movies. Thor. I mean, how much are you scraping the bottom of the barrel when you're down to the guy who has a hammer? He's got this fucking hammer and he and that's all his power and then fucking his dad throws

it down to the earth. Like, I got to admit, I understand that me being into sports at the level of Matt and the fact that I don't even play is roughly the same thing, I guess, but at least sports is real. The fuck is wrong with you guys with your goddamn Thor wallpaper and flash pajamas. How many fucking good movies do they even make with these superhero movies, honestly? Did you guys really like Spider-Man? Were you really into that where they gave him a girlfriend with those little teeth?

Remember that? And he's fucking kissing her upside. They turned it into a fucking love story so they could get you to bring your fucking broad down to the movie theater. Spider-Man did not have a not good looking or a mediocre, whoever the fuck played his wife in those movies. I would not be nervous approaching in a bar and there's something wrong with that, being a balding redhead.

Okay? There's something wrong. I should be beyond nervous. But I wasn't. I remember when I saw the fucking movie, I remember thinking, where's the raven haired big hip, big titty girlfriend that he had in the comic books and she was nowhere to be found? Kirsten Dunst, that's what it was, with her little toddler teeth sitting there smiling

at him. She was awful. It was like a picture you'd see in one of those fairy tales, the fables. Be like the girlfriend. I'm being too mean to her. I was going to say the fucking girlfriend of the troll under the bridge. Anyways, this is probably odd to actually have them hearing you laughing in the background. Usually it's just me sort of babbling in the bedroom.

Bring that down just so, because people are on the fucking internet, no matter what they're going to trash it. The podcast sucked. What the fuck was that guy giggling in the background for him? I'm going to have to deal with all of that. All of that horseshit. So like I said, when I look at you in a moment of panic, like I don't know where the fuck this is going to be going for the love of God.

Bring up your mic and save me. But like I said, we're sitting here. We're waiting for the legendary Jim Norton star of, I was actually looking at his IMDB page and I didn't realize all the shit that this guy's done. He just recently did a spot on board to death, hit television show I believe on HBO or Showtime. He's a bestselling author. He's got two books, Happy Endings, I Hate Your Guts. He's got a brand new CD out called Despicable available.

Look at me. I'm hyping his shit before he even gets on the goddamn phone. By the way, when I gave him the phone number to call in, it's going to light up here, right? The phone numbers are going to light up. Okay, I'm just making sure. All right. This takes me back to the days. I used to do a show back with the teen idol sensation from the opiate Anthony show, Joe

de Rosa. I used to do a show. We used to try to take collars and used to always be a fucking nightmare. So this is actually taking me back. We used to actually do this show called Uninformed that we're trying desperately to bring back. The problem is, is that we live on opposite coasts. I don't know if we can tie in Skype. We got to figure out a fucking way to do that.

But we used to take collars. Because it was a brand new show, we might as well have been on public access. We'd just go like, hey, we're talking about apple trees. Anybody want to call in on that? And then we would just have fucking collars call in, and we'd be like, hey, we're talking about apple trees. And you'd pick it up. Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself, you fag, and then they'd hang up on us.

So we stopped taking collars. And I learned my lesson. So this week, I'm just going to have fellow artists, fellow artists calling. But wait a minute. I'm getting sidetracked here. I almost forgot to talk about the fucking Lakers. What the hell was that? What in God's name was that fucking debacle?

That's how you go out, Los Angeles Lakers, you call yourself. What the fuck was Magic talking about when you were a classy organization? Since when? I think you showed your true colors, bunch of goddamn, that's how you send out Phil Jackson, the fucking red aura back of this era. That's how you send them out by elbowing that little white guy from the YMCA. You see that little spaz coming down the fucking paint? I don't know.

He was like maybe an inch taller than I was. He just looks like some guy, you know, who just, you know, those guys, those short guys are the worst whenever you play pickup hoop, you know, they got their fucking balls right on your leg, just playing ridiculous defense. That was that guy. It was part of it that I actually thought was mildly funny that he elbowed him. He went beyond the floating rib. He cut that rib that's right in your fucking armpit.

But seriously, man, what a fucking horrific way to go out. You know what's funny? This is how much I hate the goddamn Lakers is I didn't even watch, I didn't even watch a minute of basketball for months. I think the last time I watched a game was when I went to a Memphis Grizzlies Lakers game. I don't watch hoop. I think it's fucking boring as hell.

Throw hoop. Everybody gets six fouls. There's 11 guys on each teams. That's 132 fucking fouls. And then once they get in the penalty, the fucking game is decided by unguarded shots from the foul line. It's fucking horrific. It's horrific.

But if I see the Lakers are about ready to fail, that's when I tune in. And I got to tell you, I was out on Mother's Day. Did you guys have a good Mother's Day, by the way? Anybody out there? Did anybody out there order pro flowers? I haven't heard a fucking word from them. So I'm taking that as a bad sign. I don't know that I sold any bouquets.

Omar, last week I actually had, for the first time, I had advertising here on this podcast. And I was all excited. And I did sort of my own brand of podcasting, advertising, where you sort of drop hints about serial killers and incest, and possibly you say cunt in the middle of the read. And I don't know that I sold any. It didn't work too well. You know what? I tried to go the fucking every man route.

I tried to be like, I'll just make this shit conversational. I'll just say it the way I said. I thought I painted a nice picture. I was talking about, what did you get for Mother's Day? Just the card. First of all, did you like your mother? She's okay. She's all right.

She kind of gets on my nerves. You know, it's definitely, I kind of do it just because I have to. You may not have a really good relationship. Okay. So you just got her a card? Yeah. When did you get it? Mother's Day Sunday, when did you get it?

Friday. The pickings were pretty slim, weren't they? Oh, totally. Yeah, for sure. And that's what I was saying. By the time you get in there, the only thing that's left is like the fart joke card or the one that's like mildly incestuous. Right, right, right.

Right? You really over the top love your mom. Yeah, exactly. That's what I said. Yeah. That's what I said. Why am I getting so many fucking flowers? I haven't heard one goddamn peep from the people over at Pro Flowers.

You know what? Fuck that. Fuck them and fuck their fucking flowers. Right? Fuck me with updates. I'm too insecure. I can't deal with the silence. You know what's funny?

I bet I sold a bunch of them and now I just told them to go fuck themselves. It's inevitable. You know what I'm doing? I'm just going to do this. I want advertising on the same, but I'm going to continue to do it the way I do it. And when people finally, you know, there'll be products that fit into saying cunt in the middle of it. Right?

Absolutely. Yeah. All right. So anyways, the fucking Lakers. The Lakers lose and I had just, it just thrilled me to know when, but I got to tell you something. They went out like a bunch of bitches. All right. A bunch of seven foot bitches that I would never say it to their fucking faces.

But I'm saying it right now in the safety of this soundproof room. What the fuck? Who the fuck told that guy to take his goddamn shirt off and he wasn't even in shape? Andrew Bynum. Maybe you didn't blow out your ankle every time you crossed your fucking legs. You could do a goddamn setup. How dare you? How dare you do something like that with a man who's got 11 champion chips?

I don't know. You know what fucking kills me is I'm actually psyched. Hopefully that Phil Jackson is going to retire because he has the ability to coach a team with a bunch of stars, much like a Joe Tory. And I'm really hoping that motherfucker is going to quit, you know, and go fucking stare at his navel and do all that Zen shit as he takes X to see or whatever the fuck it is he does. Just get out of it.

Just get out of the league. I didn't give a fuck if you get back in the league. Go join the heat. I don't give a fuck. The lakers, right? But this is what killing me. I'm hearing rumors that the Lakers are going to get Dwight Howard, you know, because he wants to come out here and be a fucking movie star.

And I was just joking about that on Kevin and being like, one of these basketball players is going to realize that they don't have a shot at being a fucking movie star because they're too goddamn tall. You know, don't you see how ridiculous you look in street clothes? Have you ever seen a professional basketball player off the court, like standing in a bar? Why the fuck are they going to duck every three seconds so they don't get hit by a ceiling fan? They're freaks.

They're absolute fucking freaks. You think you're going to sit there and be like a love interest? Maybe if they remake Conan the Barbarian and you want to sit on the back of a fucking Clydesdale and your feet are still dragging on the ground, we could stick you in that. It's just pissing me off that Dwight Howard's going to, he's going to come out here and Kobe might get another fucking ring. That guy has no moves, right? Do you realize the amount of people who could kick the living shit out of me that I've

already trashed? Why don't I trash somebody who can't do anything? How about Osama bin Laden, everybody? Huh? There's one motherfucker who won't be knocking on any cave doors anymore? You know, it blows in my mind as I am totally into conspiracy theory, but the conspiracy theory that people have that he was already dead or even better that he's still fucking alive actually made me laugh.

You know, paranoid, fellow paranoid psychos out there. If Osama bin Laden was still alive, right, and you're hanging out with them and America is sitting here gloating, having one of their first truly proud days, I feel since September 11th, because that shit's just been hanging over this country. Wouldn't you just make a video with Osama holding the fucking Pakistani Gazette for that day? Maybe you guys go over to the water park, are you allowed to do that in that part of the world?

Do they have six flags infiltrated there yet? The fucking infidels, have we given you a theme park? You know, did we come up with some sort of Arab fucking Mickey Mouse that we could sell to you? Maybe stick a fucking Starbucks right next to it? You know, wouldn't you just do that, make the video and be like, I'm still alive, go fuck yourself, America. And then Obama would look like an asshole.

And then he would be fucked for 2012 for saying that Osama was dead. Or if he died years before, why wouldn't you just release that video? I don't get it. You know, even I'm not that fucking paranoid, and I think it's a great thing, and all you fucking losers out there who are trying to be all fucking deep going like, man, what's everybody cheering about, about the killing of a fellow human being? Because he fucking killed 3,000 people, you asshole. You know, I love these fucking idiots who are trying to be like all fucking deep as

they're sitting there going like, oh, well, you know, we got mad at them when they cheered when the fucking towers went down, and now here we are cheering when Osama gets killed. It's like, well, here's the difference, all right? Osama bin Laden actually is a fucking mass murderer who created 9-11, all right? So that's who we killed. We didn't just fucking kill a whole bunch of fucking innocent people and started cheering. Isn't that the difference? Ah, go fuck yourselves.

Okay, you got a rabid dog in your neighborhood. You fucking put it down. Okay, do you think, and I don't like how this guy's being made out by some people Osama bin Laden like he's some sort of a fucking rebel. He wasn't. He was a goddamn psychopath, and if he was running the world, I don't think I'd want to be a chick, right? I wouldn't want to be not only not part of his religion, but practicing the religion

the way he feels in a different way than he feels you should. The guy was a fucking maniac, all right? I thought he was a rebel. He should be living in a cage, not sitting in a fucking mansion. Guys got a bigger house than I do. Fuck him. He was a rich kid. He was rebelling against his dad.

He got two beans through the cabbage, and they threw him in a lake. I love it. You know? No, it's funny, I got, oh shit, saved by the bell. Saved by the bell. I think this might be Jim Norton. You got to pick up. He's picking up the phone.

He's picking up the phone. It's your wife? Ah, Jesus Christ. Hey guys, I'm in a minute. You know what? Sorry, this is not very professional. No, no, it's all right. Yeah, why the fuck did it, you know what?

You know what? What a loser I am. I didn't even realize that that moment wasn't professional. Sorry about that. Jesus Christ. I was all excited. You know what Jim was supposed to be on like 15 minutes ago? I know.

I got a feeling it ain't going to happen. Busy man like him. Do you have his number? Busy man like him. Yeah, I do, but I'm not going to bug him. He knows he's supposed to call in, but I mean, I don't know if he's wrapping up. I don't know what fucking time it is over there. You know what's going to be fucking, you know what might be the comedy of this fucking episode

is that I came down to this studio and then nobody calls in. No, absolutely nobody calls in. Jesus Christ. What do I do here? Do I hit pause on the recording and then call my publicist? Is this what I have to do? Any port in a storm? Huh?

What do you think? Yeah, we could do that. All right. Fucking hit pause for half a second. Sorry, but this is, then you know what, this isn't even going to be a pause in your guys' world. This is just going to fucking flow. All right.

Hit pause. All right. We're back. I think it's not moving over there. The old EKG monitor. That's working. Are we back? Yeah.

Oh, I see. All right. Well, we're back and I don't know what the fuck happened. All I know is David Tell is supposed to be our next guest. Oh, fuck me. Do you guys realize the level of high hopes that I had for this fucking podcast? I was actually in a real studio. I actually got a real professional here to work the goddamn board.

The levels were going to be great. I was going to have people calling in last week. I had advertising. I mean, it was all good. What could go wrong? You know what it's like? Anybody see that mark, that 30 for 30 Marcus Dupre story? I couldn't even get through it.

This guy's like one of the greatest running backs that never made the pros. He actually finally got to the pros. He played a few games with the Rams or some shit, but I wanted to feel bad for the guy, but he was such a dope and he was surrounded by a bunch of dopes that I couldn't feel bad for him. I just had to shut it off. It was just, and then I got another opportunity and I wasn't even in good shape as I could have been, but, and it's just like, all right, go fuck yourself.

You know, I'm weird, man. I am like a total fucking like liberal and I adjusted my liberal thought. Well, you know, I will definitely listen to somebody else's side of the argument, but if you're not fucking working to dig yourself out of a fucking hole, then you know, bury yourself. I don't give a shit. I'm not going to still sit there. Who's that chick with the big head from all in the family?

She's always standing next to people who need a sandwich, right? I don't give a fuck at that point. You know, that didn't even make sense. You know what I was really trying to say? It's like, yeah, it's like, I had a buddy of mine just fucking his whole, his whole life became about weed and he just was smoking it all the fucking time. He was getting high at work, getting fucking flunking drug tests, then he starts calling me up.

Hey, man, can you give me some money? And it's like, no, go fuck yourself. So you can do what? Go buy a bag and pay your rent, your cunt. You know, if you're in a hole and you're reaching up out of it, go and help me out, I'll reach down and pull you out. But when you're face down, digging it deeper, asking me to throw money into it, go fuck yourself.

Have I said go fuck yourself enough in the last couple of minutes? All right, you know, I'm just going to plow ahead with this podcast and just do it how I normally do it. I'm just going to fucking riff for the rest of the hour and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let go of hoping that somebody calls in one of the stars of this tour that is going to be at the Dar Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. stars Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tello, myself.

And I am beyond fucking excited to play this gig May 13th, this weekend, Friday 13th. That's what I'm supposed to be hyping here. If I could actually just somehow stop my brain from jumping from subject to subject. That's the mission of this fucking podcast is to hype that date. But actually that venue, that's where Eddie Murphy taped Delirious. That's where Chris Rock taped one of his specials. I don't think it was Bring the Pain, but it's still Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence taped there.

Stand up comedy fan slash geek slash comedian. I am beyond excited to be there and I'm hoping that someone's going to call in from the tour on this show. I don't know if it's going to happen though. You know, it's like it's after the all star break. We just lost seven games in a row and that last playoff spot is really getting distant. I'm starting to let go. I'm fucking letting go of it.

Fuck it. No one's calling in. At least it'll sound good, right people? It'll sound nice. You know? Anyways, you know what I was talking about earlier? And this is what's really fascinating because I'm trying to get myself back into shape. I've dropped like 10 pounds and I'm trying to hold it off.

Fucking actually eating salads. Can you believe that shit? What are you a fucking queer? Yes, I'm eating salads. I'm a salad eating fag. And you got to do it. This is the thing. This is what I've learned and I might have stated this before, but this is the fucking

thing about being a guy. Women always bitch about how when they put weight on, they put it on in their ass and their thighs, okay, which as bad as that must be, you know, feeling like you're dragging a tugboat down the fucking street. You know, as your kids are sitting there with cereal in their hair, that's got to suck. But at least with the female form, you know, gives you guys something to fucking hold onto, something to slap, you know, when he's banging you from behind acting like you're somebody else pushing your face into the pillow, you know, with guys, we put our fucking weight

on it all goes to our goddamn head. I don't, I don't know what it is and it is crucial as a man in your thirties and forties, you got to do cardio man or else you're going to get that big fucking Ted Kennedy head. And I was starting to get it. And there's a few people out there that have just said that are really, you know, like when they do those, for those of you live in the Midwest or possibly Tampa, you know, when they do those before and after photos of what it's like when you're on meth, you know, and the one on the left, you always look like some angelic kid who's like student

class president. And then the next one you look like you're in a fucking zombie movie, they had to do that about guys with like gaining fucking weight. And the first billboard that they should use, and I hate to out somebody, I hate naming names in the podcast, but fucking Ingve Malstein, is that how you say his goddamn name? I am a child of the eighties. And this guy was like, you know, the eighties was all about how fucking fast you could play the goddamn guitar.

And this guy actually blew past Steve Vai. That's how fucking fast he played. And you know, I don't know what happened to the guy. His fucking head is just, there's a monitor. I wish you guys could see the fucking, I think that's like, remember the old TV you had when you got a 27 inch screen TV before flat screens came out. You remember that shit? And you thought you were the shit.

You could actually host a Super Bowl party because you got that thing. That's what his head looks like. Looks like one of the old style fucking TVs just sitting on there. And this is the thing. He still teases his hair up to the fucking moon. He wears leather pants. He's an absolute fuck. He's a mess.

So there's two things I think you got, you got to do as a guy is one, you got to do the card. You got to lay off the booze. I think I'm actually going to come full circle and start advocating smoking weed. As long as you don't get the munchies, get that prescription if you can do it. You get that, we smoke that weed that doesn't give you the munchies, then you can get buzzed a little bit. But then you don't chow and then, I don't know, maybe you, you cannot fucking end up

like these guys. You don't want to be that guy going back to your high school reunion, just bursting out of your button down shirt. That big fucking I own a yacht head, bumping into shit, head getting hit by ceiling fans. I just don't want to fucking be that guy. But we're going to have pictures up on the mmpodcast.com. Is that thing blinking? No.

Oh, I thought I started blinking. I was really praying. It'll be. Jesus. I didn't even prepare for this podcast. We know what I realized. I actually have people asking me for advice. Let's read a couple of things, everybody, considering this whole thing is just going

down the absolute shit. We got somebody. Oh fuck. We got a caller. Hello? Hello, David Tell. Yeah. Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, gee. Well, I'm psyched. You actually called. Jim Norton never, never called it. I felt like I was hosting like a telethon on, on basic cable going, keep, keep those, keep those calls coming in. And there was like three operators behind me, just clearly not on the phone. What's that?

Oh, Jesus. Bad cell signal. Yeah. Um, is there any way, can you call us back? Sure. Oh, wait, wait. I can hear you now. I can hear you now.

Dave. Okay. All right. Dave, uh, you are calling in because we are playing the, uh, Dar Constitution Hall May 13th, this Friday the 13th, uh, the anti-social tour starring, uh, Jim Brewer, David Tell, Jim Norton and myself. And, uh, I want to thank you for calling in the show. You're the only member of the, uh, of the tour that actually took time out to call in.

Yeah. It's going in and out, but I wanted to say, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm calling because I love the show. And, uh, I think it's going to be a great run at the, uh, at the, uh, in DC. Yeah. I got him. I got, yeah, I can hear you. I hope you can hear me.

Dude, I swear to God, I'm at K-Rock Studios. I'm not doing this for my fucking bedroom. This is the whole purpose, Dave, of me getting out of my apartment and doing this shit this way so it would actually sound professional. So when I had one of the fucking best comics out there, call in, I could actually hear them. It's been a clusterfuck, Dave. It's been an absolute clusterfuck. Yeah, you know, um, anyway, I called in, uh, last night at 2 20 in the morning and they

had no idea who I was, why. That was my, that was my fault. I, I should have said, uh, 2 20 in the afternoon because, uh, I'll just talk, it doesn't matter. I just, uh, Oh, God, are we losing him? Yeah. Yeah. You know what, Dave, yeah, fucking, yeah, Jesus Christ. What a fucking clusterfuck.

You know, I could have done this shit. I could have done this shit from my fucking house. I could have already had this done. I could have, I could have already uploaded this shit and I could be going to the airport right now. Uh, I don't know if I told you this, Omar. I'm actually, I'm doing another episode of Glee. This is my, my second episode.

Wait, you were on Glee before? Oh yeah. They haven't, it hasn't come out yet. Oh, okay. But, uh, I'm doing another one. And we actually got to go to New Mexico. We're doing like this, this send up a Pee Wee Herman's, uh, Mexican hat dance. Oh wow.

So I got to fly out to New Mexico to go do this shit and they wanted me to fly out earlier. There we go. This is going to be Dave again. I'm, is that him? Oh Jesus. Yeah. Can you do me a favor and I can't pass this through the board. Can you believe this?

Can you guys believe the level of unprofessionalism that's fucking going on right now? We're not editing out any of this shit. This is fucking horrific. Who was that? That was Dave. That was Dave. So he's going to be calling back. You know something?

I just thought it was odd that I do these by myself and now I don't. Now I am totally fucking sold. All right. He's back. Can't believe it. Dave, what's going on, man? How is this? Is this better for everybody?

This is great. Let's, you know, fuck all this. Let's, let's just get into, uh, everybody knows we're going to be at, uh, Constitution Hall this Friday the 13th, the anti-social network tour, Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tell and myself, uh, four comics for the price of one in the middle of a recession. I don't know why the fuck you wouldn't buy this ticket. And, um, having said all that, Dave, if I could just, uh, just get it off of this fucking subject.

Um, I saw a bunch of shit this morning where, uh, people are coming back around saying that America shouldn't be cheering, you know, Osama's death because it's a death of a fellow fucking human being on some level and, uh, I'm about as liberal as they come. And I, I, what, what do you think about that? Shouldn't be cheering. Yeah. Like people are going, you know, somebody died. Doesn't it seem weird to be cheering about the death of somebody?

Well, I like, uh, I, uh, first of all, I think we should be cheering. And, um, the fact that, uh, we got those kids off of Facebook and out on the streets, doing backflips and, um, throwing, uh, you know, a beach bowl around instead of a human head, which is how they would have done it in the Middle East. There you go. That's right. They would have had a nice little, um, game of head soccer. And, um, no, I think we, we, we earned it.

Um, we, uh, which we call it, uh, you know, living in New York city, it's nice to see cheering that doesn't involve some kind of parade, um, you know, like, whether it be of the Latino variety or the Halloween, Puerto Rican day parade, which is always that fun for everyone. But the, the fun thing about it, Bill, is that like, as we're getting more information about him, he's becoming less like, um, like evil and just more normal and sad, like the rest of us, like he lived in two rooms with three women. And, uh, he spent most of his time on the computer, you know, which is like

looking at TV, dying his beard. I got a minute. I was a little jealous that he had probably a bigger apartment than I, he guy was living in a fucking mansion. I gotta tell you, Dave, I, I gotta get, I gotta, I do have to give the guy props as far as how long it took us to find us because I gotta ask you this, if, if an entire nation was looking for you, like how long do you think it would take him to get you?

Yeah. 10 minutes. This guy, uh, for his, his little infrastructure, jumping from cave to cave. I mean, I, I, you know, 10 years, that's, that's, that's almost as amazing as how long magic has lived with HIV. Yeah, I guess you could put it, there was a good comparison there, but I think, uh, Pakistan did let us down, but they are our best friend. And, you know, much like any friend, you give them a lot of money and they

tell you what you want to hear and, um, even while they're fucking you over. So I, I, I really can't see why everyone's so surprised about it, but, um, I think we should slam them a bit. Uh, here's my idea. You ready? Yup. They have to come in last at the parade of the Olympics. If we wait for all the other countries, Peru, Paraguay, Pakistan.

No, I'm sorry. No, you have to wait. They're after him. Zimbabwe year. Yeah. It's no more alphabetical. It's by order of country who is, uh, helping us on the war on terror and, uh, they can come in and Germany will be like, we went through this, you know,

they'll get over it, um, eventually, you know, they'll be known for your world trans music and, uh, you know, by curious, um, uh, porn, but, uh, that's, uh, just how it is. So, uh, yeah, I'm a little, I'm a little upset with Pakistan, but I think it was a great win. And, uh, I like how, uh, they had to describe to people what the Navy shields are, I guess any, any, um, uh, who are they describing it to? Cause every guy in their life wanted to be a Navy seal at one point.

Like, you know what, I'm going to be a Navy seal. Oh wait, that involves a lot of swimming outside of a pool. Yeah. And you got to have abs right there. I was out. I first, I first, some reason thought that when I was a kid, I didn't realize that they did shit on land. I thought they were like the real life Aquaman.

Like if there was a, if there was a bad ship, they'd come over the side with a knife in their mouth. Well, it's lancy and air though. So, you know, if he had like, let's say put on like a jet pack, they would have followed him into the cloud. Yeah. I like to have fucking people are trying to like, are we going to see the identity of the people that whacked them?

I mean, just like, why, why would you think that, you know, did we ever see the identity of those other two guys in the shrubs who shot Kennedy? They always give you the one guy. They'll give you like, don't I will eventually meet these guys. Cause I play a lot of the funny bones and improv ounce near where they live. And any dude who was in the military will be coming up to me like, you know, I was a duty shot. Oh man.

Yeah, that was me, you know, try to keep it on the download. Can I have, can I have a free DVD there? Mr. Atel, speaking of which, uh, do you have anything, um, anything you want to hype as far as, uh, Oh, I know. Wait a minute. You know what? I, uh, David Tell actually, is it okay to announce your upcoming TV show?

No, but, um, I would say that, uh, yeah, I'm working on a project and Bill, you were very cool and, uh, you got to take a look a little bit. I didn't involve, uh, so it's, it's, uh, it's a little dirtier, but, uh, I think it's going to be fun and that should come out sometime in the summer. I did a show with Bill where we look, watch porn. So, um, you know, believe it or not, it's, it's not only is it hilarious, but the way they did it. Cause I was worried some of the stuff that we were watching, I was,

I was wondering how you guys were going to pull that off and get that on air. And I'm not going to give away what they did, but I watched it. And I, uh, on the last date we did up in Foxwoods and I thought it was, it was hilarious. It was actually genius with what you guys were doing because some of that stuff was pretty hardcore and, uh, it was actually hilarious to watch. And, uh, I don't know. I, I, I think, I don't know.

I don't want to jinx it, but I think you got a good shot with that one. Not going with. Thanks for doing it too, man. You were, you were very cool. And, uh, you know, it's very hard. I know you've got like, uh, you do a lot of road, you know, you're doing this tour with me and Norton and, uh, Brewer. And, uh, also you got this podcast and going, and I think it's kind of cool

that you're in the studio, you know, and, uh, you know, uh, is this kind of like a dream? I guess you kind of like bumped up to like regular, you know, like this is like the real deal, man. I mean, like, are you dressed like a radio guy? Oh, absolutely. I have, uh, I have a rock t-shirt on from the seventies. I'm going to have the wacky guy who makes sound effects and that type of shit.

Um, Are you eating a breakfast burrito? No matter what time it is. Dave, I've got to put you on hold. We got the weather guy coming up next and I'm joking. I'm joking. Totally joking. Um,

You were so good at it. I was like, Oh, I'm so used to that. Like sure, whatever. That's cause I went into my, uh, my radio guy voice. That's, that's Now you got to keep yourself a good radio name. How about like, instead of, uh, you know, how about like double B or a bang bang or something like that?

Yeah. It has to either be an abbreviation or there has to be some of this. My, my sidekick has to have like an an animal name. You know, yeah. You listen to double B in the gazelle here live on 97.1. We got this next guy coming in and then I'll ask you the worst fucking questions that you've heard a zillion times. Dave, do you get nervous before you go out on stage?

Yeah. You know what, I love, I like when people, uh, radio guys always ask me about like, uh, going on stage when like I've had radio guys open for me and they look like terrified. Like they've never seen the audience that they talk to every morning. Like, yeah, that's what they look like. Yeah. They're always drinking too.

They're always drinking before they go out on stage too. Just trying to calm the nerves. It's hilarious. You know, like, you know, I got to get out of here, man. I got a wet t-shirt concept across town and then, uh, you know, I'm opening a car dealership tomorrow. So, uh, now they would sound like a busier life to me. I'm jealous of that sort of thing.

Well, I think it's going to be a good show. And for those of the people who become the Foxwood and, uh, of course, uh, when we were in a, um, Atlantic city, this is our first show outside of the casino world. Now I am against it, but the rest of the guys think that we have the juice to make it happen. So I'm going with these guys, but I saw it as like a casino act, exclusively, like a sunny and share.

You remember, like, uh, like, uh, like the Osmond, you know, like we tour exclusively from casino to casino. Absolutely. You know, and like conventions and stuff like that. And then, you know, because, uh, you know, you guys still have like a chance, but I'm kind of an old hack riding an old credit. So I'd be like, this is perfect for me. You know, like eventually I'll like work at the casino, you know, it will be a

greeter at the casino, you know, the casinos are like the last roundup before you hit the cruise ships, you know, I always felt casinos. When, when you, when you sign that debt, you know, I will stay here all year around out in Vegas. That's, that was basically, uh, landlocked cruise ship gig was basically you were, you had a fear of the ocean, but you've definitely tapped, but you've definitely tapped out from the business. But I have to admit though, every once in a while, like when I'm sick of doing

the road, you start thinking, you start lying to yourself basically that, you know what, I think I could do that. You know, I'll just get myself a nice house and I'll just do the, uh, I'll just do the flamingo every fucking weekend. But, uh, I don't think I could. What's that? My dream is like, yeah, you know, like once they hit 50, I go to Vegas, I like buy a house with enough room in the back.

So it could be like a shooting range and the ATV course. Me and my stripper wife, you know, we'll like, we'll run that during the day at night. I'll do my, my show. And then, you know, um, we'll just slowly die of a sun cancer, you know, and that's what it is. Well, do you know, uh, I've talked to a lot of people like, uh, the security people out there in Vegas, as far as like some of the bigger entertainers.

I'm always fascinated with that stuff. And, uh, I think that they are fully aware of how batshit crazy you go having as a performer, having to work not only a casino, but the same fucking casino, you know, five, six nights out of the week. And, uh, I'm fascinated with how little time all the performers like spend out there, like someone's trying to tell me, like all of them, I heard like, like George Carlin, when he would do like the two weeks, they would have like a limo waiting right, like they would pull up like five minutes or 10 minutes before

the show, he would get out, he do his hour, say, thanks a lot. Good night. Before the crowd even put like their jackets on to go back out to the casino floor, he's already in the car heading back to wherever the hell he's staying. And the, the best one I heard was Celine Dion evidently gets helicoptered from her fucking house to the top, to the top of the casino, does his show, punches himself in the chest a couple of times to get the notes out. And then she goes right back up and flies back to her fucking house.

Yeah. No, she has the Navy SEALs. They, uh, totally, they fly in and they extract her from the show. Well, maybe they'll shoot her in the leg. They shoot her exactly. Well, that girl's available now. So where are the housewives of, uh, of, uh, Bob about city? I want to see that show.

They got a lot of hard, you know what, I've actually heard that they have even worse plastic surgery than the American ones. That's why they weigh that little veil. Oh, really? That's, that's, that's, that's the rumor on the internet. All right. Well, before we, before I get out of here, Dave, uh, just, I really appreciate you coming here and eating up some minutes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know you're a, you're a busy guy and everything. And I got to tell you guys, uh, I can't, like, usually when you hype something, you're over hyping it. You're saying it's better than it is. But I got to tell you, uh, I, I've done, I've done four shows with these

guys and every show I'm standing to the side of the stage watching everybody. This is, this is, you're out of your fucking mind if you don't come out to this thing. Okay. I'm not talking about myself. These other three guys who are on this tour are absolutely killing it every night. And, uh, we're going to be at the dark constitution hall this Friday, um, May 13th. Please come down, uh, tickets, tickets are going fast.

And, uh, how about it for the wonderful David Tell for calling in the show? Thank you very much, man. You were my first calling. Uh, thanks, Bill. All right. I'll see you there, man. All right, brother. See you Friday.

All right. Bye, Bill. All right. See you. All right. There we go. Now, if this was a professional show and it had some sort of advertising, we're going to be back in five minutes and I go down the hall, right?

Drink a coffee, take a shit or whatever it is even morning people do. How far into this thing are we? Shit. We're coming up on an hour. Ah, geez. All right. You know what? What, what, you know what?

I'm just going to get into the normal bullshit that I do for this week. And we're going to read some stuff. Omar, do you remember back when you were in elementary school? Yeah. And they made you read out loud. And there was always that kid who was so fucking horrific. You thought he was like borderline retarded? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's who I am. So if you thought we were going to get out of here on time, it ain't happening. So fucking put your feet up on the console there because I'm about ready to start reading out loud. All right. Here we go. This is going to be the, uh, the advice for, uh, for this week. For some stupid reason, you guys keep asking me for advice.

Uh, hi, Bill, uh, just to give you some background. I'm a 36 year old Asian woman, uh, that was born and raised in the Bay area. Um, I've been married for six years and I have a beautiful baby girl. They always start off nice. Everything's great. There's a nice summer breeze blowing up my skirt. Um, the only reason I am telling you this is because I wanted you to know that there are wives, mothers and Asians that listen to your podcast that

think you are funny. Uh, do I think you're an asshole? Yes, but you're a funny asshole and that's all that matters. This, this check is cool as hell. Uh, don't ever let a few idiots that can't take a joke, joke get you down. All right. So a few podcasts ago, uh, you commented that not, not every, not very many women were writing in.

I decided that I should start Jesus Christ. This is exactly how they tell a fucking story three minutes before. Wait, when do we get to the meat of this shit? Couple of weeks ago you sounded down and I was watching Oprah and I realized I haven't called my friend from high school. So anyways, I decided to start pulling my weight and shoot you an email for advice. I knew, I know that you grew up in a family of all boys. Um, can you please tell me what is the best way to deal with a troubled male

teenager? One of my friends is a single mom and is worried about her 14 year old son. Oh Jesus, this is going to be rough. Um, he used to be a pretty happy kid, but lately he's become very quiet and keeps himself most of the time. My friend doesn't know if anything is really wrong, but when she asks his, for, uh, for his responses, responses, always everything's fine. Mom, everything's fine.

All right. Close the door. Thank you. Um, he's not rude and he's not getting into any trouble that she knows of. She's just concerned because he comes home from school and goes straight to his room. She wants to know if everything is okay, but is unsure of how to approach the situation. As you know, men don't always love opening up, let alone a teenage boy. Do you have any suggestions?

Yes, I do. As a matter of fact, um, first thing I would be worried about is, uh, I don't know, is he, is he lovesick or is he, uh, is he being bullied at school? Maybe that's what it is. Did something fucking horrific, something unbelievably humiliating that happened to him. And now there's a fucking YouTube video out there of it with 1.2 fucking million hits.

That's one of the worst things about something awful happening to you now as a kid is these fucking asshole other kids. They all have cameras. They film it and you fuck your fucking life is over. So I don't know what it is. I mean, I hope it's not drugs or anything like that. But if, if I was in that situation and the kid wasn't opening up, uh, I try to spend more time with them, um, you know what I'll compare this to, I was never

able to pick up a girl in like a meat market, like in a bar. I was never able to do that shit because they had the defenses up. They're fucking ready for you to come at them that way. And I think when they're sitting in their fucking room, they're just in that mode, you become in, son, is everything okay? You know, plus they got to hide their weed or whatever's going on there. But, uh, I think if you, if you just get them outside of that shit, um, I, you know what, I don't know.

I'm not a fucking parent, but I think at some point I would just address, say, listen, I'm not trying to pry. I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but I've just noticed that you seem a little quieter than usual. Um, did you knock somebody up? You know, eventually come around to that question. You know what that question, I think, I think it's beyond me. I guess that that's what I would do.

I would try to, uh, I don't know. I don't know what the kid's into. If he's into, if he's, what are you in the Bay area? He likes the A's or the fucking Giants buy tickets and then lie and say, oh, I won these tickets at work. So then you won't feel like a douche going with his mom. Take it to the game with the mom. You shoot the shit.

You have a good time. And eventually, I don't know, you get a couple of beers in them. No, he's 14. I don't fucking know. The, I think I would just address the fact that he seems quieter than usual. Um, I would see if he's hanging out with anybody new or different. And if they, if they look like John Bender from the fucking breakfast club, I'd be worried that maybe he was dabbling in drugs.

Um, I don't know, but that's a weird age. I know that's right. When I started feeling like a fucking freak, like my elementary school days were good and right around junior high, that's, uh, that, that went good. High school, high school wears where it kind of went off the rails for me. So he's right about 14. I don't know. Maybe he's a freshman and he feels like, you know, all these fucking, you know,

seniors are freaking him out. I don't know. He just feels like he's got to start all over again. I have no fucking idea that's beyond me. And I'm going to give you bad advice and then I'm going to get sued. So sorry, but thank you for writing in. I do appreciate it. Um, all right, Jesus, this, this might be the worst fucking podcast I've ever done.

You know, with my luck, the people at K rock are actually listening to this and they were actually considering giving me a fucking job. And now it's over, right? Well, I don't need you. All right, Bill. Hey, one of my best friends has been going to church for years. Oh, Jesus. And previously it has never bothered me at all.

I grew up Catholic and like so many Catholics, I no longer attend church. Gee, why was that? Was it the kid fucking or the, uh, money they took from the Nazis in World War two? Anyways, but it doesn't bother me in the least if someone wants to go. That's how I feel, honestly. Uh, a few months ago, my friend started asking me if I would like to go to church with them. Oh God, I politely declined.

That just gave me douche chills. That his fucking arms accidentally graze up against your hand when he said it. Anyways, since then, my friend has told me he feels it's his mission to spread the word of God and continues to ask me to go. And as time passes, he's getting more aggressive with his church sales pitch. What started off with him just slipping it into casual conversation has now left. How the fuck do you do that? You want to go to subway?

Yeah, give me the Italian on Italian bread. And, uh, you know, Jesus, evidently, he used to be around Italy. Wasn't he in Italy when he got crucified? Um, so anyways, he casually been slipping us into the conversation. Now has led to me receiving text messages that say the following. This, this means more to me than you know. God has poured out love to me and he is reaching out to you also. Ignore if you must, but there is a lot at stake here.

To this, I replied, honestly, if it's my choice, I don't want to go. Please stop asking me about it. I don't know how many more ways I can request that. His was he responded with, I'll hold off, but no, this God loves you and will not quit if I do. Oh my God. This sounds like the first draft of single white female. Um, here comes my question, Bill.

What does this, why does this fucking piss me off so much? Because it's creepy. Uh, why do these, why do these cults, uh, what do these cults do to these people? He is involved with the church that people do joke around about and do call a cult. Uh, what would you do if you were me at this point? I don't even want to talk to this guy because these conversations are infuriating me. Um, there's nothing you can do. You got to look out for yourself.

You got to cut this guy out of your life. That's it. It's fucking over. He joined a goddamn cult. There's nothing you can do about it. If you try to get him to see the light and not come out and come out of the cult, you're immediately going to be, uh, whatever, whatever creepy word they use in his cult for the outsiders, you know, you're, you're, you're one of the others.

And you're just going to drive them further into the fucking cult. All right. Hopefully he's good with weaponry. And, uh, you know, when the FBI surrounds the compound and asks them to come out nicely, um, let me guess, is the guy at the top, does he have long, you know, that they're following who started this cult? Does he have long hair and a beard? You know, if it's a white guy, I think that that's how it usually goes.

Is he wearing high top gym sneakers? Are they waiting for some sort of flying fucking saucer? Dude, you know what I would do if I was you, I, I would, and this might actually help them to come around, just cut them out of your life. Just stop answering his text messages. Don't hang out with them anymore. And, uh, when he asks why I say, dude, cause you're out of your fucking mind. That's why you're out of your fucking mind.

There's like 9,000 religions on this planet and they all say it goes somewhere different. Why do you think, don't even say, why do you think you're right? You're out of your fucking mind. All right. You die, you go in the ground, you become a fossil fuel with the stegosaurus. That's it. All right.

And someday if you have any, if you have any fucking luck, you'll get extracted out of the ground and you'd be going right through a fucking carburetor. You know, helping some asshole get to work. Maybe go over to his girl house, you know, so we can get his first piece of pussy. Other than that, it's all fucking horseshit. All you need is the 10 commandments. If you follow those, if there is some sort of after party, some sort of VIP room at the end of your life, you're going to fucking get in.

All right. Fuck these people. Cut them out of your life. All right. I think I got time for one more and then I got to get the fuck out of here. Cause like I said, I got to fly to New Mexico and I'm doing another episode of Glee and I know you guys think I'm fucking around, but I'm telling you, this is episode number two and I got it down.

All right. Number three, Bill first, can't thank you enough for all the laughs and your weekly podcasts. I just realized I don't have enough time to read this because it was something I wanted to talk about. I'm going to close it on this one. Here's a YouTube video you guys have to watch this week. All you got to do is search Chuck Berry, John Lennon, Memphis, or you can just go

to the mmpodcast.com and you see this video and I don't know how to describe this, basically what goes on here. Speaking of women, as much as people talk about the Beatles and how great their music is, was, whatever you want to say, I totally agree with them. I think that the greatest band of all time, but I have to be honest with you, John Lennon and Paul McCartney redefined Pussy Whipped. Okay. They, you remember like when Jordan came into the NBA and he just took it 20

years into the fucking future. This is what these guys did with being Pussy Whipped. People thought they knew what Pussy Whipped was. You have to watch this fucking video. It's, John Lennon is singing with Chuck Berry. Chuck Berry is probably one of the main reasons why John Lennon ever picked up a guitar. So now he's on TV.

He gets to play with his idol. They're playing, uh, Chuck Berry's hit, Memphis. Okay. John Lennon's got Yoko in his fucking band. They're in the middle of singing this song on television and they're killing it. It's going great. And Yoko's playing some stupid fucking drum. And even though she has no fucking talent whatsoever, he's

putting her in the fucking band. Just so she'll shut the fuck up and stop nagging him. Cause he's too much of a fucking pussy to tell her that she has no talent. All right. The only reason why you're here, Yoko's, cause you're sucking my dick. All right. No, you can't play the bongos. But anyway, she's up there playing the bongos, right?

So John Lennon, Chuck Berry, two of the greats of all time, harmonizing, singing this hit from the 1950s. That's what this moment's about. And Yoko in the middle of it, can't handle that she's not getting any shine. She takes the fucking microphone out of the stand, starts playing the bongo. And as they're singing, you know, go, go, Johnny, go, whatever. She picks up the mic and I swear to God, goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some fucking crazy shit.

And you see Chuck Berry's eyes fucking open as wide as they are. And it's that, it's that fucking look. Dude, do you ever have like a buddy of yours? And he's, he's, he's dating some fucking psycho, but he's in love with her. So you can't fucking say anything. And you're just sitting there waiting for the fucking lightning bolt to hit your friend in the head where he finally realizes that he's dating a psycho cunt. Chuck Berry had that look on his face.

Dude, I'm not even, I'm not even exaggerating. That's what the fuck she did. And Chuck Berry's like, what the fuck? And it's kind of like, John, that's your woman. Get her in line. And John Lennon does not even fucking, he doesn't even blink. He just, he just keeps playing. And then she does it again later on in that song.

And then you look at all the other musicians and they just keep playing the song like Yoko isn't even fucking there. And I, I don't know. I can't, I thought I was going to be able to describe it to a level feet up to you to understand it. But you got to watch this video. John Lennon and what's his face? Paul McCartney putting that monotone photographer.

Not only does he have a playing keyboards, he's got a singing background. I mean, the two of them, I don't think they just did not have their women in line. And I actually get infuriated when I watch this video. The fact that John didn't just stop playing in that moment. And what he should have done was dressed her down right there. Yes, I find you want to have a fucking moment. This is your moment. If you ever fucking do that again, I will slap you so fucking hard in the head.

Your eyes are going to look like mine. Do you understand me? You play that fucking bongo and you shut your face. You look like that bitch who crawled out of the fucking well in ring. You understand me? I don't even know why I'm fucking you. I could be fucking anybody. You can't play the bongos.

You can't sing, shut your fucking face. And then he just walks back up to the mic and just counts the band back in. Right. Isn't that what the fuck you should have done? All right, whatever. This thing has been a clusterfuck. I want to thank, I want to thank David Tell for actually calling in. I got one, one out of the other three guys to call in.

Brewer said he couldn't call in. Jim Norton is just phenomenally busy. Plus the guy also put together this tour. So I can't get upset at him. And I'm fucking here. You got half the goddamn tour, right? You got two out of four, just like the Beatles. Paul McCartney and who else is left?

Ringo Starr. Wait a minute, the other two are dead. No, not on this tour. They're both alive and then we're going to be at Constitution Hall Friday the 13th. I'll might as well hype the other dates. This tour is coming through Chicago. We're going to be at the Chicago Theater on June 15th, the Paramount Theater in Seattle on July 1st, and then we're going to be at Vegas.

I forget the name of the casino on July 3rd. I'll hype it next week and next week, I believe will be my 200th podcast. So I'll be eating cake next week. All right, that's the podcast for this week. I hope it made sense. I know it was a little bit of a clusterfuck, but that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.

Traditions and customs, and there's more I can't do. So long that you're my victim, who do you want to see? Pa's Prince of Ift, chocolate eggs. That's all in the promo. So here I am on my list. From all I'm taking two, no man, no way, with the Eric. From us here, Pase. Ramadan Mubarak.

Enjoy Pase and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And also look for the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be. That's it for Albert Heijn. Thank you.