Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-11

Episode Date: June 13, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the NHL Finals, The Goodbye Girl, gas prices in the 70′s

De Bessie Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 12th, 2011. How's it going? I got fuzz on the damn microphone. Yeah! Why, why do I keep doing these by myself? I have the Star Spangled Banners in my fucking head, because the NBA Finals and the NHL Finals have never been on the same night, and I've been watching all of them. So that's all I've been hearing every fucking night. And then when you watch the fucking NHL Finals, you also get... Just every fucking night, and, you know, starting to fuck with me.

Can you guys tell that I have absolutely nothing prepared for this week, nothing funny to say? I don't. I got nothing. It's a minute 23, and I'm ready to pull the fucking plug, because I got too much shit to do. I'm actually recording this on Sunday afternoon. A beautiful, beautiful Sunday. Sunny Sunday afternoon. Did you go to church, Bill? Oh, Jesus. No, I did not. Although, when I was out in the forest, I got to tell you, last week when I thought I was going to get eaten by a bear, I did pray to a higher power. And I know what a lot of people right now, a lot of you Jesus freaks out there. A lot of you people who are into the old J-Star are probably like, yeah, see, see, you believe, you believe.

I believe in higher power, yes, absolutely, but I don't believe in the stories. I don't think he's ever talked to anybody. I think that's what I believe. You know, like, today I was in the car, and my girl was bugging me, and I said to her, I thought you're really making me want to slap you in the face. You notice she's hell bent on fucking painting the goddamn apartment. I don't know why. All right, and I have to do a benefit tonight, and then I have to go fucking go straight to the airport and take a red eye to Chicago. Coming in a day early, because I got some friends out there, and they got some ice time somewhere, and you know, why not?

I didn't come in a day early, play a little hockey, continue my Peter Pan lifestyle. So, of course, she's just like, I want to paint the living room. We have to get this done. We got to get drop cloths. We got to get some paint. Yada fucking yada, right? So where does she go? I go, all right, where are we going? She's like, we have to go to Home Depot, all right, which I fucking hate Home Depot. I can't stand it. All right, with that 900 foot ceilings, and they're two employees that they have there, and you finally run into one. And it's like, you know, first of all, you go in the fucking place and that same feeling I had when I walked into the forest where I was like all alone and I didn't know what the fuck was going to happen. That's what you feel like when you go into these, these super stores, as they call them.

And then you walk in there when you finally fucking find somebody. You know, oh, that's not my department. I just do window shades. You know, back in the day when you walked into a hardware store, the fucking person knew the whole goddamn store. First of all, because it was only the size of, I don't know, I don't know, of store. And I know all you guys out there who get on your knees and slurp the corporate cock are going to tell me, well, you didn't have as many selections. Go fuck yourself. All right, swallow the load and kill yourself because the old school hardware stores, they were better. You walk in, there was some grumpy guy there and you'd be like, yeah, I need a fucking widget and a fucking shower curtain rink. And he'd look up, you know, from some shit he was whittling on.

He'd tell you exactly where the fuck it was. And he continued whittling as he cornered his eye. He looked at you as you went in the wrong direction. Down on the bottom. There we are on the bottom. One of those guys. Now you got all those douchebags out there, right? People work at Home Depot, basically people who couldn't get a job at the Apple Store. You know, they couldn't get one of those genius t-shirts, so now they get an orange apron and then they just stand around, you know, looking at their nails. I don't know what. So anyways, we get down to this fucking place and as we're driving there. All right. Evidently, whatever paint she wants to get, I wasn't involved in this fucking decision, you know.

Whatever the brand is, we're on our way over there, which I really don't have time to do. She goes, oh my God, I hope they have, you know, Eddie Rabinowitz's egg shell fucking Robin Egg white or whatever the fuck she was talking about. And immediately my head, I'm like, why didn't you call ahead? Why didn't you call ahead? So what do you think happened, everybody? What do you think happened when we went into the fucking monstrosity that is Home Depot with their 40,000 fucking different selections? Guess what they didn't have? The Eddie Rabinowitz Robin Egg fucking blue goddamn coffee cream, whatever the fuck it was called. They didn't have it. So immediately I get pissed. So she looks for a silver lining. Well, at least we got drop cloths. So then we go to get out of this some shit I didn't have fucking time to do anyways. And she wants me to stop McDonald to go get her a fucking the lemonade frozen frisbee or whatever the fuck drink they have there.

And I'm like, no, I'm not doing it. I don't have time. So of course she starts pounding. So what do I do? I give in like a I give in, you know, and I was sitting there in the goddamn fucking line. And you McDonald's is hilarious. Now, evidently, they're trying to go healthy. I think the biggest loser is really starting to fuck with these fast food places because all these fatties are finally realizing, oh, really? I can't have three 7000 calorie triple double cheeseburgers with bacon on it. Evidently, that's the reason why I have this slab of shit that's covering my knees at this point. Forget about my genitalia. I think they the biggest loser. I think that they've actually had an effect because I went there and you could actually get like a Waldorf salad or some shit.

Some salad with like an apple in which was hilarious because you know it sucks. It's still somehow and then they had like some low fat yogurt with it. As long as McDonald's is doing it, it's somehow still going to come out to about 9000 calories. So what the fuck was my point here? I was talking about slapping her in the face. Oh, that's why I said I'm slapping the face. Ah, Jesus Christ, I was going somewhere with this. The fuck was I talking about? How did I get into this? I was talking about going in the woods. Ah, Jesus. You know what? I don't even fucking remember. I'm such a long-winded jackass. What the fuck was I talking about?

There's something about slapping her in the face and then I didn't do that. And that tied into some other shit that I can't fucking remember. Ah, fuck, what do I try? Oh, I was talking about church, right? Why I don't believe? Oh, that's right, that's right. Church, there we go. We're back on track, everybody. Back on track. So I said, I'm going to, I really feel like slapping you in the face. This is when we're on the way of the McDonald's and she goes, you know, obviously looking at me like, don't do that. So I go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to slap Jesus instead because she's into Rosaries, you know,

and she has it hanging from the fucking rear view mirror of our stupid Prius. So I'm going to, I'm going to slap Jesus anyway. So he's sitting there on the cross, of course, always in that moment. Look what I did for you, right? So I just fucking slap him right on the cross and he flies back and forth. So she starts giving me shit. Don't slap Jesus, right? And yeah, that's when I just kind of said, you know, do you really think that this happened? That God, you know, took out his giant fucking higher being dick, came into this fucking Petri dish the size of a jacuzzi, right? And then took out some sort of syringe and artificially inseminated. What's her face there? Jennifer? Was it, was that his mom's name? Right?

Do you really think that happened? It didn't. It didn't happen. Am I saying there's not a higher power? No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying all these fucking stories that they're telling you are made up. This guy did, you know, he came out of a womb that was never banged and then he died for you. And the only way to get into heaven is if you do what we say and give us some money. I mean, how fucking dumb are you if you go into that shit? I can't help you. I can't fucking help you. But if you want to talk about a higher power, I definitely believe in that shit, but none of us know what it is.

I don't believe. I don't, I don't fucking know. I don't know where you go. I don't know what happens. But neither does anybody else because you read it in a book. What happens when you die? Who wrote it? Who exactly wrote it? How dumb do I sound right now to all you Jesus freaks? Y'all rolling your eyes as you write with your feathered pen to punish yourself for some bullshit that you did? Here's something for you. I don't believe in ghosts either. We're just going to go right down the line of shit that I don't believe in.

I don't believe in Jesus and I don't believe in ghosts. But I got to admit there's some sort of paranormal shit been going on in my fucking apartment lately. All right, we went on vacation. We came back and all our forks are missing except for two of them. You know, and on two different occasions, I've been playing guitar. I get up out of my little fucking playpen area slash office. And I walk in to talk to Nia and then I come back and my settings are different on my fucking amp. So I think considering that the ghost stole my forks and is fucking with my amps, there's only one logical conclusion that this spirit died at a scorpions concert.

That's what happened. All right. And only heavy metal fans got that. Remember that? That song, there's no one like you and the guy had the forks in his eyes. Remember that shit? I think that that's what's going on. So I'm going to be on the next season of Ghost Hunters. And I'm going to sit in there with some douchebag with the video camera yelling at the ghost. You have exactly four minutes to show yourself. Have you ever seen that? Have I talked about that? How ridiculous that fucking show Ghost Hunters is? Those fucking idiots sit around yelling at the ghost. They always, somehow, first of all, they always know the ghost name. And they'll just be sitting there yelling at the ghost, like threatening.

Like threatening this spirit that evidently is hanging out in the kitchen for all eternity. You know, Maggie, we know you're here. All right. We're getting sick of this. You've got four minutes to show yourself. We're packing up all our equipment. Right. What do you think Maggie's thinking? Well, do it. I don't give a fuck. This is the most entertaining shit ever sitting here frustrating you guys. I'll flick in the air. My little ghost fingers on the way up. You guys believe in ghosts. Do you believe in that shit? I was actually watching some fucking channel. I can't remember the names of anything.

It's called like Payola or something. Pirelli. That's a tire. They have all these fucking unplugged sets by these bands. That's my computer making all that noise. And I was watching one, you know, when you get to be old like me, you just lose touch with modern music. But there's bands that you just, you keep hearing this fall out boy. I'll fuck you while you young people. Oh my God. That's like 2000, whatever. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying they blend in. So one of them was my morning jacket. All right. Now, when I grew up, no one would name a band my morning jacket.

All right. You'd name it something that had to do with Satan or else I wasn't going to listen to it. So whenever I heard my morning jacket, that just sounded like, you know, it was going to be like that Jack Johnson's kind of stuff. You know, that shit that like women and hippies like. So I never listen to it. You know, I just thought it was going to be more like that fallout boy like that whining crying. Remember like the last 10 years that emo shit where, where was that song that I made fun of that one week? We will be victorious. Does that sound like you're going to win anything? That sounds like you're already lost and you're walking home crying to your mom. And you just talking shit because you're too fucking embarrassed knowing you lost.

So I assumed that they were kind of like that. And I don't know, man, I watched if they're unplugged that they were fucking unbelievable. And I want to download some of their shit. All right, legally. So let me know how's the latest album because there was somebody else who was on like leaky Lee was on before it and I watched her shit and I loved it. And then I listened to it on iTunes and I was like, ah, the unplugged shit sounded way better. Her shit was like singing through all this distortion stuff, which I can't stand after a while, you know, it's like, bitch, just sing the goddamn song. Okay, stop sounding like you're fucking, I'm listening to it three floors above you. You know, if you're going to do some shit like that, do it the way Jimmy Page did it. And I felt like I was on acid, you know, how he used to do that shit and he would have it.

You back in the day, you would listen to albums on headphones and bands knew it and they knew you were on drugs and they used to try to enhance the experience. That's how great rock used to be. Okay, that's how into drugs they were. They knew you were on drugs. So they would make album and they were on drugs and they would make albums that would make being on drugs feel better. And they used to do shit where they would, whatever, they'd have some sort of effect going on and they would make it go from the left side to the right side, just your speakers. But when you had headphones on, it felt like it passed through your goddamn head. It's tremendous. I don't know, I don't know what the fuck they do. They yell into a bullhorn throughout the whole fucking concert into a microphone like that. That's the best you can do. Who does that shit? You know, it does that all the time is that guy Scott Weiland. Is that his name? Guy from STP, Velvet Revolver.

He's big into that singing through the fucking bullhorn as he walks around in his Nazi supermodel outfit. Anyway, this is the Monday Morning Podcast everybody. Are you a new listener? I hope you are. I hope we continue to grow this podcast. I do one of these every goddamn week and people send me questions. They ask for advice. They send me lists of underrated, overrated. We talk about YouTube fucking videos that we like. I curse a lot because I don't read and I'm not intelligent. Speaking of YouTube videos, which I keep forgetting to talk about, I got a bunch at this point. These are all, by the way, all of these can be viewed exclusively at themmpodcast.com. First off, I did another tour of those videos I make where I do like the tours of Los Angeles and show you different parts of LA. Actually, I did one in New York City and we just put that up so we'll have that on the MM Podcast page.

Do you remember when I was sick a few weeks ago and I felt like shit and all that? This video was shot the day that I was getting sick. Notice when I'm on the subway when I'm walking down there. Look at the flop sweat on my giant forehead as I'm starting to get sick. Here's a video that has since blown up, which pisses me off because I've been meaning to talk about this one for a month. There's one video called Fan Escapes. I don't think I talked about this one yet. It's basically some kid in an Astros game. He jumps out of the stands, runs across right field, gives a great head fake to a security guard, breaks his ankles, he goes up and over the wall and just fucking amazing. He basically climbs up the stadium and runs out the back of it. As far as I know, he got away.

I would love a lot of Europeans to watch this who think every American is a fat fuck. You should see this guy. This guy does like a good four or five pull-ups and climbs up out of a stadium from basically center field. It's amazing. Definitely check that one out. There's another good one out there that I was watching. It's basically how to talk to cops. This one's funny because the people who actually are doing it are actually complete dirtbags, but they know their rights probably because they've been getting arrested their entire life. It's really fascinating. I saw this video a long time ago about how many rights you give up when the cops pull you over. It's simply because you don't know the law and they just ask you questions. In this video, the guy goes, because the guy was videotaping the cop, he comes over, he goes,

what do you videotape me for? He goes, can I see that camera, please? Now, most people, 90% of people will be like, yes, officer, here you go because you don't want to get arrested. This guy was like, no. The cop goes, why can't I have the camera? He goes, because it's mine and you need a search warrant. He just started rattling off this shit and the cop's just like, ah, fuck. He knows the rule. I don't know if he knows. He needs a search warrant, but he needs probable cause. I'm videotaping. It's illegal. It's not illegal to videotape. And he just, he stonewalls the guy. And he goes, and I'm on my property. You're actually on my property. Get off my property, please. And every time he says this shit, you're like, oh my God, he comes to beat down, but it never fucking happens.

But who's kidding who? The only reason why it goes down like this is because there's witnesses. There's too many people standing around because if this guy tried this shit in the middle of nowhere with the cop, the video camera would be up his ass and he would also be facing some sort of charges of assaulting the police officer because the police officer sprained one of his fingers when he shoved the camera up his ass. At least that's been my experience. What are the YouTube videos? Let me make sure I read all of these. Before I move on to the next topics here, for Christ's sake, where the fuck are the other YouTube videos? Oh, this is a good one. I think we actually did this one a long time ago.

Boyfriend, fuck you. You ever do that shit when you hit on a girlfriend? You hit on some girl and she lets you do it for 10 minutes and then brings up her boyfriend. This guy does the reaction that you want to do. It's called boyfriend, fuck you. And then we got some music ones here. Crossroads Festival, Steve Windward, Eric Clapton and Steve Jordan, my favorite drummer and Derek Trucks. What else do we got here? Mark Knoppler. I haven't even looked at these. I've been so goddamn busy. We got some music ones this week.

And what the fuck was the other one? Oh, I know what I wanted to talk about. Do you guys, do you have a guilty pleasure movie that you watch that you would be unbelievably embarrassed that other people would know that any time you see it, you definitely watch it? This is mine. It's actually called The Goodbye Girl, which is arguably one of the gayest fucking movies of all time. All right, but what I love about it, the reason why I like it is because it's Richard Dreyfus' first big role. And I'm a big Richard Dreyfus fan.

And I just love it because you see a guy seizing the opportunity that he's got this role. And he just, he just goes all out. It's a total fucking chick flick or whatever, but I don't know, he's always funny to me. And the amount of shit that he has to do in the movie that I would be embarrassed to do when he pulls it off is why I always end up watching the movie. I never watch it from beginning to end. I always catch it at some point. Plus, I'm a sucker for any movie that's shot in New York and I get to see what New York used to look like. So that's another reason why I love watching that movie.

And it's just a great movie on a lot of different levels. There's another level where the only people of color in that movie play muggers. Like you really see what the fuck Spike Lee is complaining about when you fucking see it. It's like, it's so, like how white they make New York is unbelievable. It's just wall to wall, fuck everybody's white. And then at one point the lady gets her groceries stolen. So Richard Dreyfus runs after this carload of people and out of the car jumps like two Puerto Ricans and a black guy and they get fucking afros and knives.

All of a sudden it turns into Death Wish. This chick flick for like half a second. It's completely unnecessary in the plot of the movie other than to just remind white people to be racist. But that's not what I wanted to talk about in that movie. What really interests me in that movie is I mentioned a zillion times as I drive a Toyota Prius. And when I drive it properly and I'm not slamming on the brakes and stomping on the gas, I can get 41 miles per gallon. Okay, which is supposed to be good because a lot of shit gets 23, 25. Now I've maintained for a while now that cars in the 70s used to get like 33, 35 miles a fucking gallon.

And that's goddamn almost, you know, 35, 40 years ago. In this movie, this chick flick, the goodbye girl, the chick that Dreyfus is falling for, she's actually, you guys ever go to a car show? You know, they show all the, whatever, they should, coming up in October, they'll start having the car show and they have all the 2012 models that are coming out. And speaking of models, they have these broad standing next to them, at least they did back in the day unless they consider it too sexist. They'd have good looking women standing there talking about the car.

So anyways, her character does that in this movie. And it's like, it's like 76, 1977, something like that. And she's standing in front of this Subaru talking about the car and says it gets 39 miles per gallon. All right. See, this is why I don't believe in shit. I don't believe in fucking anything. This is why everybody thinks, oh, you're paranoid. You're a fucking conspiracy.

That's it fucking right there. 39 miles per gallon of this fucking all wheel drive Subaru. Those things back there weren't all, yeah, four wheel drive Subaru got 39 miles per gallon. That was their claim. Okay. That's 19 fucking 76 or 77. You're telling me in 35 years, the best we've been able to do is get me an extra two miles per gallon on a fucking hybrid. It's complete bullshit.

I think there's plenty of fucking oil and it's at the whole things horseshit. You know, one time I was riding, I was riding in a cab in New York City and this Pakistani dude was driving it. You know, surprise, surprise. And I was talking to him about, I always, like, I love talking to people who don't live here, you know, or who initially didn't live here and now live here. Just getting their whole viewpoint on shit, whether I agree with it or not. It's just interesting to me. So I was talking to him. This is the first time the gas prices were going through the fucking roof.

And he says to me, he goes, do you know a Toyota Camry in this country gets like whatever the fuck it was at the time, 23, 25 miles per gallon. He goes, do you know, in my country, it gets like 38, 39 miles per gallon or like 40 something ridiculous. He goes, do you know why that is? And I said, no. And he goes, because we can't afford a car that gets 23 to 25 miles per gallon because I guess where they live, whatever the fucking gas prices are, whatever their fucking economy is, they can't afford a car that gets that amount of miles. So they just adjust the goddamn engine. So what I'm saying people is it's all bullshit. I don't know where I'm going with this stuff.

And I don't know who to complain to. What about all those grease monkeys out there? You sit there and you watch these fucking shows on TV where they do like a build. They'll have some car. You know, like, we're gonna tell you today what you're not gonna believe what we're gonna do. We got a 1972 fucking GMC Willys garbage truck. And we're going to combine that with the 1975 Porsche 911. It's all going to look fucking sweet and they somehow do it.

The fucking car runs and it fucking got like nine wheels and it goes flying down the street and it's got a fish tank in the back. Right? Why don't they use that talent to fuck with the engine and get it to get it to make like, you know, like 100 miles per gallon or any of my podcast listeners out there. Do you know how to do that shit? Is it that fucking hard? Isn't it just a couple of twists of the screwdriver on a carburetor? Do they have carburetors anymore? Christ, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Let's let's plow ahead everybody. He's getting into conspiracy theory. Oh, geez. All right, let's go with advice here. You know, like always, somebody sent me one and I can't remember where the fuck I put it. But some lady came over here from England and she lives just north of New York City and she loves living here. She loves the excess of America is what she said. But her husband, she said, is driving him nuts because he's an environmentalist and he is taking the environmentalist stance to the point that he won't flush the toilet when he just takes a piss.

So she goes walking into the loo as she calls it and he's got his fucking piss in there and she's like, what do I do about this? This is what you do, lady. You got to tell, just put a fucking brick or a stone in the back of your toilet so you won't use as much water and tell the dude to flush the goddamn toilet. Okay? Just tell him to flush the toilet. I'm all for trying to conserve, but flush the fucking toilet. All right? And furthermore, I don't like your attitude though because she did the classic where, you know, he's doing all this other stuff too for the environment like it's going to matter.

I hate people who got that defeatist attitude that's not going to fucking matter. You know, like when you vote for a Ron Paul and they tell you that you wasted your vote by voting for somebody who's actually being honest, whether you agree with them or not. Like that's a wasted vote. Well, really, it's a wasted vote to vote for that guy to try and encourage more people like that who don't give a fuck to run for office. Dude, he's not going to win. So that's why you vote. You vote because you want to vote for a winner. Ah, Jesus, that's depressing.

Speaking of fucking depressing, the fucking Stanley Cup finals this year, can anybody figure it out? I think this has been one of the most torturous finals for fans on both sides. God knows those canut cunts wouldn't admit to it because now they're up three games to two, but you can't tell me during game three and four, you weren't like, what the fuck happened to my team? Why are they playing like a bunch of pussies and allowing themselves to be pushed all over the ice? That's what's happened every home game. The visiting team just gets smashed in the mouth and does nothing about it. It's fucking driving me nuts. All right, I'm getting sick of you fucking canut fans talking shit.

Like your team is fucking superior. You've won three one goal games. The twins, what have they done? Shit. They haven't done shit. What has Ryan Kessler done? Shit. He's done nothing.

What about that fucking, that goddamn Luongo with his sad bass and hound eyes behind his goalie mask? You bunch of punks. I actually liked your fucking team until we played you guys and the amount of shit you guys have been talking. I actually used to like your fucking team. I would have rooted for the, if the Bruins weren't in it, I would have rooted for the Canucks because they never won one. But their fans are such cunts. Oh, with their stupid hankies that they have during the goddamn game. The only people who should do that are Pittsburgh Steeler fans.

They came up with it. It was the terrible towel. Anyone else who does it, it's fucking gay. I can't wait for the Bruins to win game six and game seven. So you fucking pussies are crying in your goddamn hankies. Jesus Christ. This is the thing though. I think they're a great team and they got a tremendous amount of talent on there.

But those motherfuckers are the cheapest sons of bitches I've ever seen in my life. I don't mind the hits. I don't mind that shit. You know, it happens. All right. But the fucking, the diving and the flopping. Hey, I asked this the other day. I was on TSN, which is the ESPN up in Canada.

I called in and I asked this, can some hockey fan please explain to me? All right. And one of the games, the last game actually, game five. All right. They're lining up for a face off and Burroughs is right next to Lucic. So what he does is he puts his leg in front of Lucic's stick and then just does a pratfall and acts like he trips. Okay.

Now I would think that either he'd get two minutes for diving or they would call Lucic for tripping because they didn't realize that, you know, that they got faked out. But for some reason Lucic got two minutes for tripping and Burroughs got two minutes for embellishment or something stupid like that. I don't get that. It's like he either fucking tripped the guy or he didn't. What does that penalty mean? Like, okay, he tripped you buddy.

He didn't trip you that bad. I don't know. I've had it. The fucking goddamn twins. Jesus Christ did flopping all over the fucking ice. That's how you want to win a Cup Vancouver. That's how you want to do it by pretending you got hurt. Fucking shameless.

Just a shameless fucking hockey team. I got no, I have absolutely no fucking respect for my cup lost. All fucking respect for that goddamn team. I can't believe it. There's no fucking reason for them to be doing that shit. They got enough weapons. They sort of have a good goaltender and they're a great physical team. Why do you got to play like fags?

You know. Why? Is that what you guys do out there in Vancouver? Is that what you do when you're not going out on a fucking whale watch and listening to your Euro trash music with your awful tight clothes that you wear up there? I've been to Vancouver for about 20 minutes. Beautiful scenery if you're not looking at the people. I can't wait to play Tampa or Vancouver.

Just for the fan that actually takes this shit seriously. Anyways, plowing ahead. Plowing ahead. Speaking of speaking of what the fuck was I talking about? Okay. And all that type of stuff. A certain comedian got into a bunch of trouble for a bunch of stuff. He said during a stand up performance and people got offended.

And this really bugged me. I was watching a news program. I was watching a program that involved the news and this dude came on and the comedian apologized. And they asked him what he thought. And the guy was just like, well, you know, I think the apology was good, but I don't think it's enough. I think he should donate some money to the fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it just killed the whole fucking thing for me. It killed the outrage.

I should really just look at the guy at that. It's like really at the end of it, all you want to do is just get some fucking money out of the guy. You know, I don't understand that. I really don't. You know, somebody does something and then they apologize. That should be enough. That's not enough. You got to take the money out of his fucking wallet.

You know, so if that's the case, then you really don't give a shit about the apology. You just wanted some, you're just using it as an excuse to get some fucking money. Right? That make any fucking, I don't know. I'm basically judging the entire topic because of that one douche I saw on TV. All right, let's plow ahead here before I have to fucking apologize to somebody. People of Vancouver. Do you think that is his apology that he made fun of your white belts and white shoes?

Your herb tarlick Euro trash way of fucking dressing at your dance clubs. The fact that he apologized. Was that enough? Um, I don't think it's quite enough. I think he should make a donation to the Vancouver mountainous region. I go fuck yourselves. All right, dear Bill, I am from Kansas City and there is currently radio commercials in which a law officer, a law, a law office offers their services exclusively for women going through a divorce.

Of course they do. There's a ton of money involved there. They talk about how they will review all of the husband's finances and ensure the woman will receive the maximum amount the law will allow. And then he writes in capital letters. What the fuck? Are there any law offices that offer services exclusively for men? I doubt it. If there were, I would imagine there would be a huge protest from feminists all across the U.S.

I know you've addressed this hundreds of times over, but why is it okay to completely fuck a man over? This commercial insinuates the man is already in the wrong. This is absolute bullshit. Dude, you preach on. This guy is speaking the gospel here. Anyways, wanted to share this with you as this is just another example of man bashing commercials that just pissed me off. All right, let's review this. Yeah, okay.

First of all, you can't get mad at the lawyers because they're just going where the money is. And as you say that if it was the opposite way, that there would be feminist groups protesting. All right, that therein lies the fucking problem. Until men actually get together and start protesting that type of shit, which I would absolutely love to be a part of on any fucking level. I would love to see that happen. But we're guys, we don't do that shit. Once we get you get punched in the face. Yeah, fuck you.

You get up and you walk away. You can't do that. Yeah, there should be guys protesting it. I think that would be fucking hilarious. That's absolutely terrifying. That's one of nine million reasons why I never got fucking married. That is just unfucking believable. You know, I'll tell you what kills me is most women who would watch that they always say the same thing.

When you're like, you'll say to them, like, can you believe that shit when they always say that same? Yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah, that's what you get. That's what you get. Big stupid face. What the fuck have you ever done? That's my whole, my whole thing with that is just, I don't know, you get married, you just better pray to God.

It fucking works out. There's a guy that's all you have. And the amount of power, it's not, it's not a balanced relationship because of the way that the divorce laws are. It's the second, you know, it's like when you're single, you have an unbelievable amount of power as a guy, even if you're in a relationship. Because she can't get to you legally. That's it. It's fucking over. You have your shit and that's it.

And you're a guy and you can earn a fucking living. And that's it. You don't have to worry about shit. And then the second you get married, you lose all power because at any point she can just divorce you and fucking take you for everything you're worth. Everything you work for, it's just, it's fucking over. Look at Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods gave his wife a quarter of a billion dollars. She was a nanny.

Fucking nanny with nine figures. For what? He had a prenup where she was only going to get five million dollars. Only five million dollars. Who here wouldn't kill for five million dollars? I quit my podcast for a fucking 200 grand. You know, you find out your husband's some dog going around cheating or whatever. That's, that happens to women.

And the guy's a broke ass son of a bitch and they're left with nothing. So it's not like women always make out. But here's a situation when you find out your husband's a dog, the marriage is over. Oh, but I get five million dollars. But that's not enough for the cunt because she knows he has a billion and she wants to get as much as that as she can. I swear to fucking God, I can't do these topics because it makes you see red because they're not entitled to it. It's bullshit. All right, if you marry the greatest golfer of a fucking generation who's won 14 titles, okay,

and you haven't even won a game of tiddlywinks on a professional level, you're not entitled to that money. You're not, you are legally, but you're not. You didn't fucking earn it. You cunt. All right, there you go. Bill, get to the core of the hatred. All right, number two. Bill, really?

The fucking Norwegians get you for multiple gigs and London gets one night. You know how they hate, wait a minute, dude, what are you talking about? The Norwegians, okay, you're talking about the whole Scandinavian area. I'm in a different country every night. I'm in England one night, then Finland, then Norway, then Denmark, and then Sweden. All right, that's totally equal. What are you bitching about? Not to mention, I already played London and the place was three quarters full.

I don't think I need to do a week of dates there in front of nine people per show. All right, Bill, really, the fucking Norwegians get you for multiple gigs and London gets one night. And I can't even, I don't know what he says here. You know they hate Mericue over in Sweden too, right? What is that? M-E-R-I-C-U-H. I'll have to look that up. I don't know what that is.

Are you trying to fill some sort of urge to pal around with people who are whiter than yourself? Well, then look no further than London, sir. They are so white, they eat their pizza with forks and knives. What, you think because you've been here before you can just do London in a night and peace out? Are you some sort of Anglo expert now? I'm just fucking around. Glad you're giving London at least one night. I look forward to seeing you, figures I discover your comedy after I move out to Los Angeles.

Well, I'm out here in Los Angeles, sir. If you'd like to see me, I'm doing a benefit for Greg Giraldo's wife and family at the Wiltern Theater. What the hell's the fucking date? Oh, Jesus, there, Bill. How do you not know where the fuck you're gonna be? Oh, you know what, I know where the fuck it is. It's June 29th at the Wiltern Theater. All right, not only can you see me, sir, you can see a bunch of other comics doing their fucking thing.

All right, Jeff Ross, he's gonna be out there slappy white. We're gonna have a bunch of big names. All right. Oh, I guess the email wasn't done here. By the way, that email you read from that guy who claimed to be French had a bunch of condescending misinformation in it. Write that guy back and tell him he's a prick just like all the rest of the French. Parisians are otherwise. France is full of garlic eating, pseudo mustache having dickheads, granted their women are clean shaven though.

Too bad the majority of them look like dudes regardless. Now, why do you think he's saying all that shit, people? Do you know why that is? It's because his country is next to France. Nobody likes the country they're next to, right? Although I do like Canada. Except for Montreal Canadian fans. And even Vancouver Canuck fans with your hankies.

Okay, and your pratfalls. Hey, when all those pratfalls that they do, do they play like Benny Hill music at the beginning of whenever Vancouver has a home game? When they show the highlights, they go, And they just show everybody flopping around on the fucking ice. Laughing because they're cheating. You got a hell of a team and you might win the cup. But Jesus Christ, how about next year? How about next year you make some sort of vow that you're going to have some sort of fucking code of honor, something?

Jesus, this whole fucking series. Which one of the sendeens was it? Was it that fucking flopped onto his back? And the ref didn't even call it. And when he got up, someone on the Bruins was going, Are you okay? You all right? Everything okay?

Ah, Jesus, what a bunch of pussies. All right, overrated, underrated for this week. Underrated, jerking off on the clock. Everyone should do this once in their lifetime. You might as well be getting blown by your boss's wife. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. Yeah, but where do you do it? And then the odds are getting caught.

That's part of the excitement. Fucking weirdo. Jerking off at work. Where exactly? Oh, jerking off on the clock. Oh, I see. So what? You know what?

I'm going home for lunch. Then you go back and you jerk off. Oh, but on lunch, you're not on the clock. Sir, could you please elaborate and let me know where exactly it is that you jerk off at work? Any of my listeners, any of you guys, you ever jerk off at work? Is this what the podcast, is this what it really has come down to? Anybody else ever rub one out at fucking work? And when you do, where do you go?

Obviously the bathroom. Wow. I mean, you're really risking your fucking career there. If you get caught rubbing one out. I'm trying to think of a job that you could have where you could get caught rubbing one out at work and people would laugh it off. Obviously a comedian. You know, if you were rubbing one out in the green room, as long as you sold the room out. You know, that's the amazing thing about show business.

I was thinking about this shit the other day that if you say you killed somebody, you committed murder. But it was judge a crime of passion. You know, you lost your shit and you fucking killed somebody. So you go into jail for at least 15 years. Okay, so 15 years, 17 years you get out. Where are you going to get a goddamn job? Okay, other than just continuing to be a criminal. You know, selling drugs or some shit.

You know, there's only two places that you, I think that you can get a job. You can become like a car salesman. Because they don't give a fuck. You know, or you can get into show business. It's fucking amazing. You can walk right out of prison. If anybody is in prison listening to this shit. You know, if you have these privileges.

You can get out of prison. You know, after doing 17 years and then they hand you your fucking z-cavary cheese that you wore when you walked into prison back in fucking 1993. With your goatee and I can't believe Kurt Cobain just killed himself t-shirt, right? Within a week. You could sign up, you could write first fucking day you go out and sign up for an open mic. You could write five minutes material and you could be on stage. Telling jokes within a fucking week and not only could you be, not only would you be accepted. When other comedians found out that you murdered somebody.

Their reaction wouldn't be like, holy fuck. You're a piece of shit. They would just be like, dude, dude, you should talk about that on stage. That could be your hook, man. You go up in your orange jumpsuit. Right. You let people know that you killed somebody and then first of all, no one's gonna fucking heckle you. And then you can intimidate the crowd that if they don't laugh at your jokes, you're gonna go fucking do it again.

You know. I was actually talking to somebody about that the other day about, you know, that's, that's a conversation that guys have a lot about. Do you think you could survive if you went to prison? And I was talking to Keith Robinson about this shit. And I was telling him that I would go into prison and I would immediately join the Aryan nation immediately. I would, I would have a big pen out if I smuggled it in. I would, I would be drawing the swastika between my eyes, not because I believe in that shit. I just don't want to get raped.

So I would be drawing that in on the bus ride into the prison. And I told Keith, you know, no offense that if I did see him in prison, I would have to call him the N word. I just would just, you know, not out of some racist shit. I just, I would not want, I just don't want to get raped. And I have to bond with the fucking, the psycho, the psycho fucking. What do you call them? What do you call those guys? The white supremacist.

And I'd have to sit there listening to their awful music. Remember that from American history X? Remember that fatty was in the van singing the white man marches. Oh, would I be counting down the fucking days? Jesus Christ. But you'd have to do it. You'd have to do it. You'd have to become a full on fucking Aryan maniac.

What are your, what are your options? You know, I mean, I'm all for, you know. Not being racist. 100% all about it. I think it's ignorant and all that type of shit. But I draw the line at getting fucked in the ass. All right. Fuck that.

Fuck that noise, son. I'll say some shit that'll make fucking Charles Manson blush. Well, maybe that's the guy I'd knock out. Come walking up to him with his vampire fingernails and just fucking slap the beard right off his face. Maybe that would prevent it. I don't know. If anybody's ever been to prison, what exactly? Someone like me.

All right. Before I commit to going in there and just shaving my head and acting like I'm part of the Aryan nation. Because that's the only way I see, you know, getting out of it. If anybody who's been listening to this shit has been to prison. How does a Ron Howard Ralph mouth looking jackass like myself who hasn't had a fist fight since junior high? Outside of his family. How do you survive? How do you do it?

That's the only option I could think. I got to go in there. I got to hang. Oh, Jesus. Then I'd have to get a bunch of awful tattoos. Jesus Christ. I probably just killed myself. That's what I was joking about.

I wouldn't have the nerve to do it and then I'd get raped. And then I'd be thinking as I was getting raped going fuck, I should have done it earlier because now I got to kill myself. It's fucking unreal. So anyways, whenever you see these fucking people when they, I remember a long time ago, there was some like some kid in New York City. He used this classic case where he, he killed his girlfriend and he said that they were having rough sex and it got out of control, right? Which is complete horseshit. He killed her, right? But that's what he said.

So anyways, he ended up doing all of his time because he kept getting busted for shit. So when he was getting in prison, so like they were talking about, they were talking about him getting out. I remember he was getting out. They're like, so and so is getting out of prison. The, you know, the famous case, blah, blah, blah, blah. And evidently he was quite a busy man when he was in prison and they start giving him shit going like he got busted on numerous occasions for selling drugs. He got into a couple of altercations with the guards and other inmates and they're talking about him like he should have been there coloring. It's like, no, he was doing what he had to do so he didn't become somebody's girlfriend.

I hate when people do that. When they talk about people not behaving nicely in prison as if that's a place where that is an option. I saw a guy one time he was saying that on one of those prison shows, he was talking about how whenever this they're coming into your cell, they give you the option where you put your, you put your back to the door and then they reach in and they handcuff you and he's saying you can't do that. He goes, your options are basically you back up like a bitch to the door and then all the other inmates look at you like you're a bitch or you fight them. So what are you supposed to do? So you basically have to take a beat down from these fucking officers who are dressed like Robocop so that they don't rape you because it's fucking horrific. It's absolutely horrific.

And the fact that I've blown off jury duty for the last fucking 16 months. Speaking of being racist, that's one that people always say, like to get out of jury duty, like they always just go in there and you just go in there and you just say a bunch of racist shit. I love when people like they think that that's how you do it. It's like, you know, yeah, or you could just ignore it. When it comes in the mail, you just don't respond to it. You could always do that as opposed to going down to the courthouse and just saying racist shit. You know, you're overthinking it. All right, where the hell am I?

Overrated American football. Even the name is inaccurate. Mexicans don't play it. Brazilians don't. Argentinians don't. Canadians don't play it much. No, they do play it. They have a whole league, you cunt.

You're just too dumb to name another country. How about Venezuela? Dumb fuck. And here's the crucial bit. Nor does the rest of the world. This is a game where the Super Bowl is played only by American teams, yet they call themselves world champs. Dude, this is one of the oldest arguments I've ever heard. Even the World Cup events of hockey, rugby and rock, paper, scissors.

Yes, that's a real event. Invite competitors from more than two nations. It's one of these few sports whose all American heroes from Joe Montana to Walter Payton were a bunch of guys who only played against their compatriots. Well, you know what? If you pussies want to put together a team and try and join the NFL. Well, I mean, they play a game in London every year trying to get you guys interested in it. You're not interested in the fucking game. And I guarantee whatever fucking team you put together will kick the shit out of you just like we have in basketball.

Our fucking sport, you cunt. The fuck do you get off talking about it? Football is, you know what football is? Football is the correction to soccer. See, Americans were smart enough to realize how goddamn boring your fucking sport is. And you want to talk about a bunch of people diving. I actually, I'm going to take it back. I'm going to actually apologize to the Vancouver Canucks for suggesting that they were diving on an insane level.

Okay. Professional soccer players take it to an entirely different level. All right. Every time somebody comes up and barely touches you, you act like you just got thrown out of a fucking car. And you sit there with your scarves singing songs because you're so goddamn bored waiting for a fucking goal to be scored. What would happen if you actually picked a goddamn ball up and ran with it? It'd be exciting like rugby. Rugby is exciting as opposed to soccer or football, whatever the fuck you call it.

And I know what you're saying like, yeah, but in rugby, they're not pussies. They don't wear helmets. Yeah, they don't hit each other as hard either. I've watched it. I've watched both. I think they're both awesome sports to watch. Both of them make me cringe. But the American game is way faster and way more fucking violent.

It just is. All right. Our football players are actually dying in their fifties and donating their brains to science. And they're finding that they have, these guys have died in their forties. That whatever the fuck they have on their brain, they don't see in the average. They see it basically with people who die of Alzheimer's in their eighties. Okay. People get paralyzed playing our game.

All right. If you don't like our game, you know what it is? The rest of the world, you know, this is what I think it is. This is what I think your big fucking problem with America is, is that you just like a lot of our shit. You like our music. You like our clothes. You like a lot of our culture. And it kills you that we don't pay attention to your shit.

You want our fucking approval on some goddamn level. Don't roll your fucking eyes at me. You do. The fuck are you doing listening to this podcast? This is an American podcast, sir. What is your fucking other than our foreign policy, which I totally fucking understand? What is it? You know, because all the shit I just said about soccer, I actually really enjoy the Premier League.

I really enjoy that. And I just think it's cool that you go there and you sing songs and you drink fucking beer with your red fat faces. I think that's a good thing. You know, I actually, I respect the fucking game. Here you come over here talking about fucking, uh, how the fuck is American football overrated? You never even said why it was overrated. It is American football. Yep.

The United States is in the Americas. You dumb fuck. What are we supposed to call it? Asian football? You know what? You're a goddamn dummy, aren't you? Are you on the dole? Is that what you guys call welfare over there? Uh, what is it?

Mexicans don't play it. Brazilians don't play it. Artigians don't. Yeah, they don't. They don't. What? Because they don't play it. We shouldn't play it.

We shouldn't call it American football, even though we're in America. Explain yourself, sir. Uh, I'm tired of that whole fucking thing. Oh, then he goes, well, let me digress. It's a great game. If you love commercial breaks. Um, what about your fucking game? Your game needs a commercial break.

You know what? You know what fucking soccer needs? It needs a goddamn, it needs like a halftime show that's being played. The entire time. If you get bored. One nil. We're into the penalty time and everybody's sitting there whistling in the crowd. You did something bad here.

You got a yellow card. Oh, he took out the red card. Jesus, a bunch of guys running around in shorts. Um, anyways, advice. Hey Bill, love the podcast. Most guys would probably write in, uh, and how, and ask how to get their girlfriend to do anal. Well, I've got a question that's a little more practical. Um, a girl that I'm seeing absolutely loves anal.

Oh Jesus. Yeah. You know something that that's disgusting. All right. I'm just going to say that right off the bat that it's just fucking gross. That's something that for some reason became a big thing in porn for a while. And, uh, you know, all I'm going to say is this, I'm going to try to keep it clean here. Uh, you participate in that act long enough.

You're going to realize why at some point someday one time you're going to realize why you should never stick your pee pee in there. All right. Without getting gross. Okay. She insists on it every time we have sex. Yeah. The other day after we got back from a road trip that involved way too much gas station food up here we go. Here we go.

She was having an abnormal amount of gas. All right. I'm going to pause here and give you guys a chance to just kind of walk away from your little recording devices. So you don't have to listen to the rest of this. Here we go. Well, she eventually got up off the couch, ran to the bathroom and yelled, I just shit my pants. She was really cool about it. I mean, how cool can you be about it other than just being honest?

But she's concerned about the effects of constantly having things shoved up her ass. Yeah, well, she should be. She just turned 30 and has only started doing anal on a consistent basis for the last few years. Uh, I was wondering if you could. Well, why are you bringing my girl into this? Get her to invite some of her friends over and then rambly randomly ask her friends which ones do anal on a consistent basis and whether or not they have problems shitting themselves. Thanks for the help. Uh, yeah, she didn't.

I don't know. She didn't shit herself because of the sex you have and she shared herself because you ate at a gas station. I think. Uh, but I can't tell you that, you know, you're, you know, I don't know. You know, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know where they go. I'm not a doctor.

I'm not into doing that to a female and, you know, it's a, it's a very soft membrane in there. You're dealing with, you're dealing with a bunch of issues there, buddy. A bunch of fucking issues. There's no reason to do it. Um, what I would tell her is like, yeah, that's why you shit yourself. So you can get out of having to do that to her. Uh, you don't want to do that to the person you love. Do you?

That's the mother of your kids someday. Uh, God, you know what? When with that, I think it's about time and this fucking podcast. Let's go with one more of these. Hey, hello, Bill. I'm 18 years old. My girlfriend for three years and honestly, I'm tired of fucking her. Uh, the relationship is fine.

Me and her get along great, but I feel like the excitement and the lust is gone. This is, uh, becoming a problem is making it really difficult not to cheat. I'm guessing at some point you've had the same problem. I just want to know, is this going to happen with every long-term relationship? I feel like I'm living the life of middle-aged married man and, uh, uh, already, but I don't want to end it as me and her get along fine. Also, I just, also just to add, we've recently tried basically every sexually and we've, everything sexually and we've easily had sex more than 500 times.

So there's no way to really spice things up anymore. Thanks. Uh, yes, I really think you would blow up over here in England. If you got your specials on TV over here, you seem to tap into the British humor. The podcast is great. Yeah, dude, you know what? If anybody knows anybody over there on TV,

I would love to get my specials on over there. I think I have to do local TV over there. I should probably try and do that. Do a local TV show over there. That's a great fucking idea. Um, what the hell was your question? Um, sir, there is no way to spice it up after you've banged her 500 times. You just better hope that you love her in the end.

Sex will happen, uh, less frequent. And, uh, it's just how it is. It's just how it is. But then, you know, if you really love this girl and you dump her, you're gonna be sad and be thinking about her as you're banging this new girl who you're gonna be excited about fucking probably about 40 times. And then you're gonna be right back to it. So, uh, that's why they say it's not the be all end all.

Um, I don't know what to tell you. You know, I don't know. Why don't you go down the costume store and dress up like a fucking milkman? Why don't you start with that? I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you, dude. Yeah, it's fucking brutal. It happens.

It happens to everybody. Uh, sorry to end on a fucking downer there. Uh, anyways, let's, let's go up. Let's go up here. I'm gonna be at the Chicago Theater with one of the anti-social network tour dates with Jim Brewer, David Tell, and the wonderfully talented Jimmy Norton. Um, June 15th, Wednesday, June 15th. I'm gonna be out there at the Chicago Theater.

There's still some tickets left. Very few. Please get off your ass. Come on down. Come on. See the show. You're getting four for the price of one. And as far as I'm concerned for the best goddamn comics you're gonna see out today.

All right. Look at me talking a little bit of shit. And, uh, later on this month, I'm gonna be at the, uh, Wiltern Theater for the Greg Geraldo benefit here in Los Angeles. Please, please, please, uh, buy some tickets. Uh, all the proceeds go to his, uh, his widow and his, his wonderful kids. And it would mean a lot for me if you guys can make some time to come down to the show. Um, I don't have to line up in front of me.

Maybe I'll read that next week, but it's just basically a who's who. And really just let you know how well Greg was loved and respected by all other comics. Um, so please come down to the Wiltern Theater in Los Angeles on June 29th. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys all have a great week. And I hope next week, when I, uh, this is what I'm hoping the Dallas Mavericks win the NBA championship and the Bruins are, uh, the Bruins are fucking, uh, actually have won

the cup. That would be amazing. And I still think that they can do it. All right. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.

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