Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-24-24

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

Bill rambles about excited donkeys, 70's kids movies, and choking. Helix:  Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners.  Go to www.HelixSleep.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday June 24th 2024 what's going on? How are you? Jeez the 24th day in the 24th year of this Fucking century of our Lord Whatever you're supposed to say. This is like back East people are like, oh my God, it's the 24th day of the 24th year. I gotta go play the number.

Go down to the pack, get me a sixer, a fucking Michelob light and play my number. Take out the, listen to me, take out to 16 and put in a 24th It's not gonna come in just fucking switch it Anyway I am in my last night of a four-night run in San Jose California San Jose, California, which is a city I have been waiting California San Jose, California, which is a city. I have been waiting For this fucking city to turn around. I don't get what the problem is

You know, I just don't get it. I talk about this on Thursday. I don't remember Do you remember do you remember Thursday member way back on Thursday? I don't remember You know, I've been here now for four days I don't remember. You know, I've been here now for four days. Beautiful city. Beautiful buildings. Great architecture.

And incredible. Incredible fucking, I almost said sound system. And incredible fucking public transportation. You know? With the, with the, the, they got this fucking train. goes up and down the street, there's

nobody on it except the person driving it, it seems, all kinds of buses and stuff. I mean, it's, I mean, this is, it has my favorite improv, the San Jose improv, it's amazing. It's like you're performing in a theater. I don't know. A bunch of cities have, yeah, I talked about this already, have come around. So we were having a hell of a time trying to find out where the stuff was. Finally we found it. I finally found some, you know, Original Joe's obviously is the shit. I went over there, had one of their burgers, delicious, and then I got the chicken palm

the next night. Fantastic. No pasta, no bread. All right? Old Billy's trying to excavate those fucking abs. I know I have abs, but I didn't have abs. I couldn't sit up in bed, you know? Sit up in bed with my reading glasses as I lose myself in a novel.

You know how much I wish I did shit like that? I got to get back to reading, man. I am so fucking addicted to my phone and I just recently saw something. Oh, shout out two coffee places before I forget. Nirvana Soul and then Academic Coffee. They were both fantastic. So there you go, some shout outs there to some local businesses. Anyway, they were talking about how, you know,

social media is designed to be addictive. All right? And I just don't get how that's fucking legal. You know what I mean? It's like all the food companies, they looked at the heroin problem with envy. So that's that they try to make their food addictive and the shittier the food is After you eat it the more you got to have it Like I haven't had McDonald's in years, right or I haven't eaten chips

I haven't had any of that shit and I now that I'm fucking away from it I look at it like why the hell would I put that in my body? But all it takes one fucking potato chip You know when you get that rush dude, you know, when you get that rush, dude, you know, you start believing in yourself. I like the way this feels, man. I got a big week, I need another potato chip, right? Woo! You know, salt going through the goddamn roof.

I mean, I think it really talks about our diet, where we're the only fucking animals on earth And we are fucking animals if you see the way we treat each other sick of acting like you know God Created us in his image How do you know it's not like a fucking just nice animal You know like a donkey How you know God's not a donkey?

I've seen so many nice things about donkeys, the way they they you get them a ball and they fucking freak out like a little kid. They're all happy and they're jumping. They don't know what to do with themselves. You know, you've you've there's some videos that I've been watching about people coming home with a new ball for their donkey to play with on a farm farm And like you see how excited the fucking donkey is it makes you feel like I got to enjoy my life more You know they're in they're in the the moment they stay stick up

For the other animals, you know what I mean? There's no Cobra Kai in them and they they can actually I saw one killer hyena I know how he did it it was like some UFC shit early on when people didn't understand jiu-jitsu and they're like alright this this guy's coming out here and remember the Gracies they come out and you're looking like this guy's got like a fancy bathrobe on this other guy's got like boxing gloves on like I I don't know about this guy this guy looks like he just got out of a spa and all of a sudden he's on his back and you're like oh my god he's gonna get killed

and then the guy was tapping out like what the fuck happened that's what happened when this donkey I don't they they didn't have the beginning of the video somehow this fucking thing just just grabbed the back of the neck of this hyena and it was like not, it totally neutralized him. Like a boxer on his back. Remember that guy came in on one of the early UFCs, whatever it was called back in the day, right? And he had one boxing glove on, right?

And then he's like laying on his back. He's got a hand. He's basically has a mitten. You know, he couldn't grab the guy's, the guy's geek, that's what it's called. Dude, tell me that word doesn't take you out of a spelling bee. These people with a black belt can't spell that fucking word. I would spell G, like G isn't in a nice day.

Gee, how the fuck, I'm going to take, I'll take a shot at it. Oh my God, all I'm seeing is a G and a bunch of vowels. A gee, oh God, you know that's not from the United States. So like there's a letter in their alphabet that sounds like a G over here, but over there it's like a fucking H or something. You know, like you ever see like when Latino people laugh at a video, they write J-A-J-A-J-A-J, what the fuck is Jajajajaj? No, it's ha Jose

Do you know how many years I watched that going? This guy just hit the wrong keys like so fucking excited he didn't spell ha ha ha right any and he did That happens to me a lot where I'm like, what the fuck is this guy? And then I realize I'm wrong. I like how I just said that, like you guys don't realize that I'm wrong most of the time. So anyway, you go back to this goddamn social media and they're saying it's designed to be addictive and there was like this lawsuit. I saw this thing, up here they had this thing about like parents trying to organize to go at these fucking nerds, you know, with their giant houses in Silicon Valley

and buying up San Francisco. They're fucking getting your kids addicted to nothing, just staring at their goddamn phone. I saw another thing on the news was talking about how this one, I don't know what it was, this company went on social media, took billions of images, and then sold them to the cops. And the government actually stepped in and was like, what the fuck? And then what they basically said, the company was like, well, if we pay all these people for doing what we did to them, we're going to go bankrupt. And they should have been like, well, then fucking go bankrupt.

Instead, they go, well, what we're going to do is give, you know, all the people that we took from a portion of the company. You took billions of images. How are you not giving away the whole company? Oh, I know. You're gonna get one millionth of a fucking share and they're still gonna get their giant house out there on Malibu. They basically did the we're too big to fail.

Like they were a bank. I'm telling you, I've been saying this for a long time. Like for some reason, feminists, when they look at toxic male masculinity, whatever the fuck it is, they're always going after the frat boy date rapist. Do you know what I mean? It's like when are you gonna go after big game and start fucking holding these nerds accountable? Bringing in this fucking AI, who wants AI? Nobody wants it. These fucking nerds want it. That's what it is. I figured it out. I figured it out in my

hotel room right here in San Jose. Oh boy, what's next? The Middle East? I'll give you some fucking ideas. I'm that guy in the bar who doesn't fucking read. Everything's simple. You know why everything's simple to me? Do you know why? Cuz I'm simple. I'm just a simple man. Anyway, so I got one more show here in San Jose. I've been playing this great venue.

I don't even know the fucking name of it. I've been there four nights. I forget what it's called, but it's a great old venue that still looks like brand new and they had all these great rock concerts in it and everything. I've been having such a great time. And somebody hooked me up with this insane Ludwig kit.

It's one of the best kits I've ever heard. I'm in this fucking room that is, like you could literally record when the levy breaks. I'm gonna play that when I fucking go over there tonight. I kind of just fuck around for like, you know, one of the days I went over there, I played for like a half hour, but I usually just fuck around for like 15 minutes, because, I don't know, it for like 15 minutes because, uh,

I don't know, it makes me not think about my set, you know, I have a good time. And, uh, and then also what happens is I start to learn shit on drums and then I go on the road and then when I get home, I got to spend time with the kids. So then like what it's like always like one step forward, two steps back. So I feel like I can practice more when I'm on the road. This is what I do. I just indulge in my hobbies rather than dealing with what the fuck is wrong with my personality. I got the Yankees Braves game on in the background.

Yankees up eight to three, top of the ninth. I love the fucking, the pitch clock is fantastic. Just blowing through innings. I put this game on, I swear to God, it feels like 40 minutes ago and they were in the fourth inning. It's now the top of the ninth. I'll tell you what's really, what I can't stand. It's bad enough when a red sock goes to the Yankees, but when they make him shave his beard off

It's I hate all the Yankees are acting like you you were never allowed to do that It's like what are you talking about the 77 78 Yankees? They look like porn stars All these crazy mustaches and shit I don't understand. They don't they died. It's it's it shit. I don't understand, it's really, I don't know. I totally respect the Yankees and all that type of stuff. Iconic uniform and obviously the most successful franchise of all time. Having said that, this whole way with this, you gotta be clean shaven like this,

some sort of special forces adjacent is really annoying. It's funny, Dougie now has like the face thing, you know, wrapped around because he used to have that nice beard that would protect him from a fastball. He's got his chin out there. He's feeling all fucking naked. Oh, there's the standings. Are we really? Oh, we're 10 games back. Jesus Christ. My eyes are bad. I was like we a game back That's a 1-0 bill not 1.0 What are we 41 and? 39 is that what they say, you know, we're about 500. I Don't know what they're doing over there with the Red Sox man, we got to put it together gets great start and pitching but anyway, uh

Basketball season is obviously over. Celtics had their championship parade, which is awesome. Always takes me back to the one and only one that I went to 1986. I asked my parents if I could skip school. They said no. And I said, all right. And then I just fucking did it.

And look at that guy still wearing the salmon shorts. There you go. With a Derek Jeter fucking, Derek Jeter t-shirt out there in right field. That's an old school fan. Remember that they tried to tell you it was salmon and then somebody finally just started going, dude, you're wearing pink shorts.

And that was the end of it. Now we got a little economist is interviewing Aaron Judge. Jesus Christ, Aaron Judge is the only person in baseball that is the size of the statue that they make of you after your Hall of Fame career. Look at that guy, my God. Remember the bat he would meet at outside a Yankee Stadium? I swear to God, this guy, if he was about three inches taller could probably fucking swing that thing Anyway

The hell they want to talk about I watched a couple of movies while I was out here As I'm trying to put the line up to my set together Which I'm really excited about shooting a special next week. We've got a couple of really cool camera angles we're gonna try out. So I gotta make sure kind of all gels, cause I usually just sort of just talk about whatever I wanna talk about.

But when I do a special, you know, you kinda, cause you're editing, it's usually, you know what happens is you take one, one show was like the show, and then there's a couple of hiccups and you grab a couple, two, three things from the other show and then there's a couple of hiccups and you grab a couple two three things from the other Show and then that's that's it But anyway So I've been watching these movies and I watched car wash

Classic comedy from way back in the day has like everybody in it. Um, from, uh, Richard Pryor basically does a cameo, pulls up in this stretch gold Lincoln Continental limousine. And uh, the actor, if you watch that scene that is watching the car go in, which by the way, it's a great movie or whatever, but in the history of cinema, there's never been worse actor eye lines in a movie. If you watch that, whenever like something's happening

and then they cut to the actor looking at it, it never lines up. You know what I mean? Like, all right, I'm gonna get a little Hollywood here. They usually, they tell you where to look. Sometimes they'll put like a little piece of tape, like right on the corner of the lens. And that's the hardest thing when you first start out,

when you're acting at something. And it's like, don't look down the barrel of the camera. Just fucking laser in on that. They should literally teach acting classes just on doing that. They obviously didn't do that. They just said, hey man there's a car driving by look at it. So they just had him looking at it. It completely doesn't line up. They're always like way too high, way too low, or turning their head way too far. But the actor who's doing it, this isn't

his fault. It's the production. Should have told him where, you know. Should have told him where to look. And it's little things like that. That's how people end up getting shot on set, you know? No, kidding. But it is, you know, it's, it's, it's, you know, sorry. Anyway, too soon. I'm not laughing at the victims.

I'm just saying. Anyway, the actor that is doing that look, I'm going, I know that face. Who is that guy? He's a great character actor. I saw him in a bunch of movies. And one of his most legendary parts is that guy to this day played a scene in a movie that was the most horrific fucking thing I'd ever seen up until that point. He's the guy that gets cut up in the shower with the chainsaw and scarface.

And I remember me and my siblings talked my mother into taking us to that movie when it came out in 1983. And she took us to that movie. And when that scene happened, which happens pretty early, if my mother said, that's it, we're leaving, I would have been like, no problem. It's still one of the most disturbing things I've ever watched. But that actor is in it, there's all these incredible cars and it's not really just like the classic ones that, you know, all the fucking baby boomers, you know, all the Robert Barron

ones, not the good babies. There are good baby boomers up there, but like, you know, the baby boomers that got like the money at this point, it's probably Gen X too that are like driving the prices. You know, we got some more power coming up next. We're going to start the bidding at $200,000. And you're like, for a fucking challenger? When I was in high school, you buy that car for like $3,500. You know what was funny too? Was people would buy those cars.

And the big thing to do back then was you would jack up the rear end you totally take out the rear end jack it up and put some fucking slicks on the back or you you just did all of this shit to the fucking car and had those people known back in the day what those cars were going to be worth it's just insane so this is the thing I feel like now, cause these fucking electric cars are taken over, which is gonna lead us into a war with Africa. I guarantee you, I guarantee fucking to you

that that's gonna be the next air quote evil doers, which really means corporate, they have something that the corporations want. They're not evil doers, they're just people living their lives that happen to live next to a natural resource that greedy cunts, a small group of greedy cunts want and then they just get everybody all hyped up, which is really easy to do.

Cause I saw this thing on Instagram, cause I'm fucking addicted to it. This guy, he played a prank on his mother. I think they were in Jersey or something. And he somehow fucked with their TV. I don't know how these kids do it. They're incredible. Like, their ability to interact with technology.

I'd have to take a fucking year-long course to figure out how this kid did it. But he had that emergency, that creepy fucking sound that, that, that sounds like a computer from a hundred years ago. Like, when are they gonna update that fucking sound? That, that buzz sound, right? And it said there was some sort of warning happening. And it started, I think it said that aliens were landing and you just watched

his mother completely freak the fuck out. It was like War of the Worlds again in 2024. And if you don't know what War of the Worlds is, I believe it was, I might have the wrong name, but it was initially a radio play. And they did it on the radio. They didn't tell but it was initially a radio play and they did it on the radio they didn't tell people it was a joke and they just they said that these aliens were landing and people got so freaked out like some people committed suicide and they were saying that all they had to do was just turn the dial on the radio and it would have just been like you know great day for a ball game and they hopefully could have put two and two together to realize that if that was actually happening that

the game would be canceled and people wouldn't be talking about it and whatnot. Anyway, so it's really easy to get people riled up. So that's why I suggest not watching the news. It'll really help your day. And if I could just somehow get off the social media that these nerds want me to watch, whoever thought that nerds would be leading it? Anyway, so another movie I watched, I watched Q&A, a Sidney Lament movie that stars Nick Nolte. And once again, he's playing a cop, like in 48 hours, except this time, it's not a comedy. And Timothy Hutton's in it, Luis Guzman.

It's a great cast. It's a really, really, really good movie. But dude, the level of fucking racism in that movie. And I don't mean like the standard, just like dropping the N-word and stuff about Latinos and Asians and all of that, like the level of shit, but just between the white people, just between nationalities. Like I lost count how many times you greaseball fucking WAP that those just you fucking Mick blah blah blah like all of this shit like. but it wasn't inaccurate.

It's like, that's kind of like how it was. I saw this thing. Eddie Murphy was doing this great interview. He always has great interviews, but he was doing this interview about 48 hours and he was talking about that scene he did when he goes into, it was supposed to be like the country western bar and there was all those rednecks and stuff in there and he was saying how he was really pissing people off you know those people actually really getting mad in the scene and and and the person interviewing was young was just going really really he

goes yeah man you can understand like When I made that movie, literally, that was only like 14, 13 years after Martin Luther King got assassinated. That was a lot of that shit was not fucking resolved at all. But anyway, it is a... One of my favorite, actually, Nick Nol. He is he is so fucking menacing and scary In that movie. I've never seen him play something like that, you know, and it just made me really I got to do a deep dive On this guy. I got to watch like I saw like North Dallas 40. I saw 48 hours then I saw Q&A

I know I've seen a way more than that. I just can't think of anything right now, but I got to watch more of that. But if you guys have any recommendation, I would definitely like to hear it. But I, it's funny at the age I am now, like, I pick movies based on what kind of cars I think I'm going to see. That's why I watched Car Wash. In that movie, it's not even like the fucking, it's not even like the classic cars. It's those cars you just forgot about. You know what I mean?

Like, like, there'll be like, you got to like look them up like like a whatever the poor man's Oldsmobile Cutlass was you know which I think was like a Pontiac Grand Prix and they always funny because those were all GM products so it was all basically the same chassis and then they would sort of change the body on it a little bit and but it was still a lot of that thing where like, Cadillac didn't make like a cheap model. Like Cadillac was still the top. I think it went Cadillac, Buick, Oldsmobile,

Pontiac, Chevy is how it used to go. And they all had different like price points. And it was literally like working your way up from AAA. You know, before like nowadays where they have like a BMW for every sort of whatever you make in a year, you can go lease one or some shit. Like back in the day, it really was you are what you drive. You know, like if you showed up with the Buick, it'd be like, oh, you man, you're almost right. You're almost up at the fucking top

And I saw a car me and Dean I was working up here with Dean Del Rey and we saw this fucking car Oh my god, it was one of the most beautiful cars I've ever seen. It was a Buick from the 1950s And it was like a low rider and I really realized like You know, I like low riders. I think cars from the fifties look better than the ones from like the sixties and seventies. And only because I just think they've been like the, the Impala low rider has been done to death. I know it's a classic and everything,

but those 1950s, like a two door, this was like a two door Buick. I want it, it was early fifties cause it had like the single headlights. Because 57 was when they had that stainless steel top Cadillac and that was the first one they had a dual headlights and then the next year everything had dual headlights. And dual headlights were sort of all the rage and maybe until like the late 60s. It kind of then then they just had the single headlight and then you stepped on that thing on the floor and then the same

Headlight would get brighter, right? So Like sort of how like that that 65 66 Cadillac with the lights on top of each other then when they went to the 70s was it side by side With the big grill they might have kept the dual for a while. I forget anyway grill. They might have kept the dual for a while. I forget. Anyway, this car was like an early, like I'm guessing a 53. It was this gorgeous cream color. And then on top, it was like this emerald green metal flake that sort of faded into like this gold looking stripe down the middle. And I was saying to Dean, I was like, I would never think to put that color combination together, dude, it was fucking gorgeous. Gorgeous. I got to my my my son and daughter are, you know, hanging out with me have become like car people.

I got to take them to a car show where it's all low riders and stuff, because I got to tell you like what? It's all low riders and stuff, because I got to tell you, I don't know much about painting cars, but Mexicans, the level that they paint the cars, it's fucking insane. It's fucking insane. I mean, I would be afraid to drive it down the goddamn street. It's literally a work of art. Didn't they have that one time? They were like, our cars art? Our cars art?

Well, I think it's more art than some guy throwing buckets of paint at a fucking canvas. I don't know. I don't want to get involved in that fucking debate. Anyway, um, all right, so I'm actually recording this a day. I usually record on Sundays. I'm taking this on Saturday, but I'll recording it, whatever the fuck you say. So I'm going to stop here because I got to do my show and then through the magic of editing, we will just pick this up with a little bit of advertising and then your questions for

the week. But I want to get a little ahead of the game because I haven't seen my kids in a few days. So you know, you know, you know, as a dad coming home from the road, it's like you just fucking put your bags down and then you're right to the backyard throwing pitches. Which is awesome. I'm not going to bitch about that, but it's, you know, sometimes you're like, can I just fucking, you know, sit here for a second? They're like, dad, dad's home, all right! Dad, let's go play baseball. It's like, all right, all right, here we go.

Here we go, all right. Oh, Jesus, and just like that, it's the next day and I'm back in my freaking house here. It's gotta be weird. I knew it was like half a second. And I was about ready to do the reads for this week and I took completely forgot the most important thing in sports right now Game seven of the NHL Stanley Cup final what in the fuck Somehow the Florida Panthers being up three games to none are now it's all tied up

The Florida Panthers being up three games to none are now it's all tied up 3-3 going into game seven. I don't give a fuck if you don't watch any hockey. It's a game seven It's a team coming down coming back down Oh three It's insane. I think the last time this happened in a final, they said, was like in 1940s. I remember it happened to the Bruins. We were up three games to none over the Flyers and then Craigie went down and I think Eric Gagne or somebody came back and Jesus, Jesus. But you know what?

The next year we won the cup. So, you know, you got to take the go with the bad there. I do have to say I watched game six and, um, you know, I was surprised they called back that goal. Um, did that look conclusive? I don't know. I got old eyes. I was just like fucking Paul Maurice. Oh my God. How many times did he almost lose his gum? Yelling going, there's no fucking way that was off sides. There's no fucking way that was off sides. I know they lost by way more than a goal, but you know, being down to nothing and then you think you're cut it in half to one. And then all of a sudden they take that away from you. I mean that,

that, that changes the game a little bit. So we shall see going back down to Florida, Miami, and you got to wonder how many people in Miami even though this game is happening. I'm not saying they're bad sports fans. It's like, have you ever been to fucking Miami? I mean, just why would you ever be inside watching ice hockey? Jesus Christ. Like some of the most beautiful people I've ever seen in my life walking around, um, what is it, Miami Beach, whatever the fucking thing is, where all the big houses are and you start hearing that Scarface music and all of that.

I'm amazed anybody goes to games, but I know they got a bunch, they got to have fucking huge hockey fans down there with this team that they got the last two years, the run that they've had. So who knows? Do the Panthers somehow fucking hang on and get it done after, you know, I know they lost last year in the final, but nobody thought that they were going to be, they didn't think they were going to beat the Bruins in the first round. Forget about the second round, then when the Eastern Conference final and all of that. But now that they're back, now they got to expect to win, you know, going up against Edmonton and certainly up three games to none.

Am I saying anything you guys don't fucking know? I should be on ESPN right now. Um, fucking old captain obvious over here. Um, anyway, uh, I'm going to have, uh, couple of, a couple of my stand-up buddies are coming over, a couple of the wives that are coming over, gonna make some wings and shit, and we're gonna sit down and watch it. It's gonna be incredible. Fucking incredible.

It's weird. Now it would be just sort of like, I think unless you're a Panthers fan, for anybody else it's just a complete buzzkill if Edmonton loses because then it's just like, well yeah, it's just you know, they're up three games now and we thought the Panthers were gonna win but the fucking Edmonton wins it's like one of the most unbelievable, incredible, fucking comebacks the time, you know? So anyway, I'll be watching that. Somebody was trying to claim that the Edmonton coach said

after game three, we figured something out. I refuse to believe that's true. Like, if you figured something out, why would you make that public? Wouldn't you act like you didn't figure anything out? And then in between periods being like, we fucking figured him out, why would you make that public? Wouldn't you act like you didn't figure anything out? And then in between periods being like, we fucking figured him out, man. Like, why would you say that to the press? So I don't think that's real.

Anyway, I did my last show at the Civic Center. That's what it's called in San Jose. It was fantastic. And then I woke up and I ran over there with a couple buddies of mine to go back over to Academic Coffee before I got on the plane and headed back. You know, really nice flight, gorgeous state. That is California. I have a gig I think in upstate California coming up. I think I'm gonna drive up and I'm not gonna I Might go along the coast or take the 99. I got to see something different. I've never been you know, it's funny I've never been to Yosemite and people like oh you got to take your family there

It's like I'm not fucking taking them there if we stay in the car We are I'm not gonna deal with bobcats and mountain lions and bears. I come from the suburbs, alright? I can deal with squirrels, blue jays, and the occasional fucking owl. That's it. That's what, you know, raccoons. I had a buddy of mine, told me he went up there and this fucking pack of raccoons started coming at him.

He was like, wow, that's weird The next thing you know, he was throwing his food running away. I Think they know that most of us are Pussies, I bet we had more respect back in the day when we had raccoon hats on there. You go send in a message You want to end up like your friend I got a whole boat full of fucking varmint pelts. You just made the list, buddy. What's that a reference to? That's that dude Psycho in stripes. You just made the list.

Is that what he said? I don't like anybody touching me. You can't say that shit. Any homos, that's what he said. Touches me and I'll kill you. I don't like anybody touching my stuff. Anybody touches my stuff and I'll kill you. Lighten up, Francis.

Anyway, quoting stripes from way back in the day. Another movie my parents took me to. My parents were hilarious. They took us, my mother took us to two, I've told this before, took us to two kid movies and decided these things are fucking stupid. I'm not, I'm not doing this. Because they didn't make kid movies the way they do now. Like I think the best one I've seen is Lego Batman.

It's ridiculous. And then all of those Lightning McQueen movies are great. But Lego Batman is just a whole other level. But when I was a kid, kid movies were like, you know, we saw For the Love of Benji, which all parents probably in the head were going, For the Love of Christ. It was like a fucking talking dog. I can't even remember. I was just happy to be at the movies, you know? And then we saw Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo and that was sort of like Knight Rider for like hippies. I don't know. It was like a fucking,

it was a Volkswagen bug that sort of had, you know, AI basically. It had a mind of its own or something, I don't know. And somehow it raced against Formula One cars and it won. It was kind of odd, you know, to do that with a German car that, you know, Hollywood and what Germans have done to so many Jewish people that Hollywood would okay a Volkswagen bug doing those things. You think they'd go with maybe like something that the Allies made, you know, like a fucking Jaguar or a Chevy. Anyway, that's what I love about fucking white supremists.

They like Hitler. And they support the troops. It doesn't make any... It's like, we fought that guy. How you support the troops and you're on the fucking side of the axis. It doesn't make any fucking sense. It doesn't make any sense to support anybody that wants to go out and kill a whole bunch of other people, you know? Even if it is your own country, I don't know how you stop these fucking

lunatics. There's so much fucking crazy shit. I don't watch the news, but I saw them starting to ramp up, oh Russia's talking to North Korea. Love Jesus. Fucking let them. Who gives it? We can blow up the world 90 times. What are they gonna do to us? We press one, but we're like fucking lunatics. Fucking lunatics. We'll kill everybody. We'll kill everyone, including ourselves. Didn't we already do this? Didn't Matthew Broderick figure it out in a movie 40 years ago when the computer played Tic-Tac-Toe? I thought we already figured this out. We're going back to the well again. They're doing that a lot. They're rebooting a bunch of shows. All these shows are fucking coming back. I think we're just out of ideas and we're just kind of repeating ourselves. Wait now to see what what's the next TV show that

they reboot. I think they bring it back, Pimp My Ride. Remember that show? But that show made sense back then because so many cars sucked. Now the cars are like, the cars are so fast people can't handle the horsepower. There's all kinds of YouTube channels of people fucking, you know, trying to do a burnout or something and the next thing you know they're fucking skidding sideways into a tree. It really is nuts. Like, the level of cars out there with like 400 fucking three four hundred horsepower that was like the fastest cars way all these people talking about back in

the day you know 40 fucking electric cars fucking man's goddamn man car like those cars all get smoked by fucking SUVs today. Unless maybe you had like a Shelby or something like that, but the average fucking Mustang, you know, I don't know. Maybe the cars made of steel back then and you're fucking, you know, they didn't have crumple zones. You fucking died. The steering wheel went into your chest and cars today are just as heavy as they were back then. If not heavier, I have no fucking idea. I mean, back then you just had a powertrain, your suspension and your brake system.

And then whatever sati, you open the hood, you could look in the engine bay, you could see the fucking driveway. You can't do that nowadays. There's all kinds of computers in there. There's GPS systems, cameras, you know, those stupid fucking beep beep beep sounds. I fucking hate cars now. I like how safe they are, but I can't stand them. Like I think my, you know, my Jaguar is like the last one I'm going to drive. I think I'm going to, I'm going to sell that thing and I'm just going to go back to like, I'm gonna buy an older car and just have it fixed up. And just have a car that isn't fucking talking to me, filming me, stomping on the brakes for me and all that shit. I just, I don't need any of that shit. I'm good, alright? I'm fucking good.

And there's a whole bunch of, and I fucking love every goddamn car back then, it seems. Alright, let me do the reads here for this week. We're finally getting to this shit. Alright, Helix Sleep everybody, Helix. Here's, oh, Helix, here to save the day by making your night. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxen Ultra Premium Elite Collections, collections, collections, the Helix Plus, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers and the Helix Kids mattresses

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All right, and with that, it's your turn. It's for you guys to chime in now. I got all my glasses. You know, the people that glass up say glasses don't make your eyes worth, but now that I have them, I can't seem to fucking read without them. But I'll tell you this, I kind of like them though. You know, Billy's staring into his fucking golden years here.

Rory choking. Dear Billy, the red duck. What? Is there a red duck? Canard? Isn't that a duck? At least he didn't call me a pig. All right.

I must disagree with your opinion that sports fans can't say an athlete choked You don't have to you can If they themselves okay I say I must disagree with your opinion that sports fans can't say an athlete choked if they themselves can't play the sport Well, then they should at least say like if anybody knows choking it's me. I choked on a fucking foot long sub from subway last night when I did nothing athletic and you know what reminded me of that Rory missing two three-foot putts if they would say it like that you know instead of fucking sitting there you know watching the end of Roy Jones jr.'s career and saying that he's a bitch and all that shit when they'd never had a fight in their

life. No, I don't give a fuck about your opinion, but I'll read it. All right, first of all, we hold the athletes to higher standards than ourselves. Okay, first of all, who are you talking for when you say we? You don't hold them to higher standards. You watch them because they entertain you. And then when they fail, it makes you feel better about the shortcomings in your own life.

That's what's going on. What kind of fucking asshole human being sees somebody not achieve something and then wants to take pleasure in it and rub it in and go online and talk about how they choked. Have you ever thought about that? Like why do you have the need to do that? Why do you and your friends sit around talking around saying that they're chokers? You don't know them. You have no idea what it's like to be in that position.

You don't. You're doing it because of something that's going on with you. You don't. You're doing it because of something that's going on with you. Anyway, he goes, that's why we watch. I hate when people use the pronoun fucking we when they're talking about their opinion. All right, they're supposed to be great or at least still impressive to watch. When you go to a pro baseball game and just see them warming up whipping the ball around the infield With great speed and grace. It's impressive Slash does it make you a little bit envious?

That's the basic standard we expect of them. This person is hilarious a shortstop can throw a baseball hard and fast to first base if he can't He messed up he choked and I choked, and I'm allowed to and I am allowed to say that even though I couldn't hit a barn from five feet away. Oh Jesus Christ, this is really self-involved. I let you, did you notice how this person said we the entire time until they got to the point of saying choked and then where did all your friends go it just became I if LeBron James had two free throws to win a championship and miss both and they lost well he choked plain and simple because an NBA player should hit nine

out of ten free throws anyway that's a ridiculous that's a ridiculous stat the greatest free throws shooters of all time maybe you're at that category so you don't even know what you're talking about so when a so-called golf great also an egotistical baby roar how do you you don't even know the see this you don't even know this guy this is all, listen, I understand your argument and it's not a unique one because this is what all sports fans who go online and say all kinds of negative shit and find like the athlete's Twitter account and send them clown emojis and all of that type of shit. Yeah, that has nothing to do with the athlete. and all of that type of shit. Yeah, that has nothing to do with the athlete.

Or sports fans who want their team to win so they can go online and make fun of the fans on the other side. That's that you're not a sports fan. All right? There's something wrong with you psychologically. And you actually don't understand sports and you probably never played them because you don't understand sports and you probably never played them

because you don't understand competition. All you know is that whoever wins is the GOAT and whoever loses is a bitch. Like that's like the level of it. Anyway, he writes Rory Macarow misses TWO giant, you know, T.W.O. putts both of only three feet and pisses away the lead. No, that's not what happened.

He was down by a stroke and had a fucking epic, he birdied three out of four to get into that position. What about that part? What about that part? Let's not watch the whole game. Let's just watch the end and. Let's just watch the end and say that's who he is. Um, and then I love

how the guy like, has won majors but because he hasn't won one in a while, now he's a choker. How are you a choker when you're already a champion? You've already won a golf major. You don't get to where he's at choking. You just don't. I, I, I don't. I 100% disagree with all of this. I feel like people when they talk about athletes choking and not being able to win the big one and getting tight and all the blah blah blah. They do that because they're not happy with their own. So much of it is that like you remember that bearded guy verse

C verse a whatever the fuck his name was and the jazz lose to the Chicago Bulls and he goes and talks to Karl Malone who's processing the devastation of that loss that this guy could never fucking understand right and he says he says do you feel like they didn't say you feel like a failure that's what the guy said about the um to the guy in the milwaukee box yeah it's always that stuff they they want them to say they're a failure they want them to say that they blew it they they actually need them to say that that they blew it. They actually need them to say that. They need them to say that so they can feel better about themselves. That's what it is.

That's what it is. And if you really look at sports writers, most of them, they don't want the local team to win. They do everything they can to pull the thing apart. Constantly trying to talk about how this player doesn't talk to that player. There's a quarterback controversy. The ownership and the GM aren't getting along. Baa baa baa baa baa. All this fucking real housewife shit.

I'm in the Boston sports media. I used to read like the fucking sports page and be like, are you guys fans of these teams? Or do they fly you in from New York? And then I moved to New York and it was even fucking worse. That's all they do is try to pull the fucking team apart That has nothing to do with the team that has to do with some fat Impotent fuck who eats doughnuts every morning and You know didn't go for what the fucking wanted in life. I don't know what you know

I don't know what I've that that's their shit to figure it out so I don't I don't I don't agree with any of this shit I don't think that fat people on Ozempic should be talking about people choking but that's just my opinion so the simple object objective okay this let me spoil it I like how this person writes this Rory misses two putts, both of only three feet, and pisses away the lead. The simple objective truth. You love this, how arrogant is this person?

He brings in hypothetical we, there's no we, it's his statement, and then it comes around to him to say that you choke, and now he's saying that his opinion is simple and objective. Okay simple objective truth is that he felt nervous and messed up because of his nerves. You don't even know what you're talking about. The guy's going through a fucking divorce right now and was and came one shot away from winning a major. You'd be crying in a fucking fetal position. The nerve of you, the nerve of you

to just start talking about this guy. Like you have the right to criticize him. Like you've done anything in your fucking life at his level. Fucking sitting in the crowd. Go fuck yourself. Anyway, he says, AKA, he choked. watching water falling from the sky and saying, it's raining, isn't a mean thing to say, Bill.

Oh my God, how fucking arrogant is this person? So basically, your opinion, your opinion is as obvious as rain falling from the sky. My God. Well, all I can say about this email is I'm glad you're not in my day-to-day life. And if you were, I am old enough now to, you would be cut out. Like, I can't, you can't be around a person like this. I know you do yoga with your shirt off now. Now he's attacking me. Probably wearing little skin tight booty shorts.

But hey, not everyone needs to get a participation trophy. Okay. Go fuck yourself, you red bastard. Yeah, no. So basically, you know, he's calling me a fairy because I'm giving this guy a fucking pass and that his ma, the way I look at it is as obvious and as simple as rain falling from the sky. You sound like, okay, you sound like you're, you're, you're just a, you're, you're a real fun person to be around.

All right. Okay. Well, you know what? I'm going to show empathy for the people in your life to say you're 100% right. So you won't fucking take what I said out on them. All right. We have the right. You not like a fucking soccer mom. And I also have to tell you that how you viewed what happened to Rory is the most basic, no brainer, obvious fucking way to look at something. That's why you think it's so simple. There's nothing nuanced. There's nothing subtle. There's no trying to put yourself into his shoes going through a divorce, none of that type of stuff. Nothing. There's no, he was down a shot, you know, was sort of hanging in there and then got hot. None of that shit. It was just, last two, then get a fucking chump, obvious as men coming out of fucking sky.

You do yoga in little girl shorts. All right, okay, great, fantastic. Anyways, how many majors have you won in your life? Like what would you consider a major in your life? Oh God, I probably shouldn't have said that. Now he's gonna bring up his education and probably use words like matriculate. Guardians! Dear Billy Bitch Tits. You know what, dude? You wanna fucking take your shirt off? I'll take my shirt off, okay?

You'll see fucking freckled pecs. Heart is a goddamn rock getting ready to do a special. All right? How you looking there fucking? What do you eat every morning, huh? Frosted Pop Tart. Dude, I gotta tell you, the second this goddamn thing is over, I am getting an old school fucking regular coffee with cream in it, and I'm gonna go get a fucking donut with maple frosting. I don't know what it was. I got donuts from my kids a couple weeks ago,

and I saw it, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't had sugar in like fucking four months other than those, uh, affogados. You know, I had one for my birthday and then I had another one, uh, that someone made me and I said, I can't do it. And I've been thinking about that too. All right, here we go. Guardians, dear Billy bitch tits. Um, so anyways, just to go on the on the record, you can throw that in the pile with stealing home court advantage. I think these are all just like people who say shit like that and this guy choked, this person choked, and blah blah blah blah blah.

And all that type of stuff. I just, those are the exact fucking sports fans. I don't want to sit near at a game and I don't want to talk to them. They can't break down the game on any sort of like interesting, any sort of interesting way. You know, I like hanging out with sports fans that know more than I do and like can, and I learn shit by being around them. I just don't like sitting around people saying this guy's a choker, this guy's a bitch, this guy's the goat. It just, it bores the shit out of me. Um, alright.

Guardians, Dear Billy Bitch Tits. Um, a week or two ago, I heard you tried to expand on the name change from the Cleveland Indians to the, uh, Cleveland Guardians. I think you glossed over part of the point. Oh, absolutely. That's,'s that's I'm the king of that. Or maybe you like many others could be unaware. Whatever the case I've had this discussion in another city in recent months. The guardian statues referred are locally called the guardians of transportation. Oh wait a

minute I think somebody explained aren't they on your buildings? There are eight of them, beautiful Art Deco figures carved by hand into sandstone and each representing safety and progress in different forms of transportations. They were installed in 1932 on the former Lorraine Carnegie Bridge, now named Hope Memorial Bridge, after the late Clevelander Bob Hope. See this is the type of shit I love. I didn't know any of this. Also the Hope Memorial Bridge, when traveling east into downtown Cleveland, ends directly at the main gate of the ballpark. Of all the potential

replacement names that were pitched, it was my personal favorite due to the connection it has with our cities. I think it's a cool fucking name. The Guardians. You know, it sounds heroic. I know it's just everybody's used to saying the Indians. But I think people would just call it that. I mean, people still, you know, when candlestick changed, they still called it the stick.

You know, don't you guys still call the Indian State or the Guardian Stadium the Jake? You guys still call it that, right? Everybody still calls it Twitter. Of all the potential replacement names that were pitched, it was my personal favorite due to the connection it has with our city's history and the potential it has for our team's branding as seen in their recent City Connect uniforms. Yeah and also how much Cleveland has turned around you know it could end in the long haul it might be a good thing you know I got to be honest with you the amount of

buildings that I've read about that when they were first put up, people absolutely hated them, called them an eyesore, and then by the end of them, you know, it ends up being like the, the, the, I don't know what do you call it, the thing that everybody sees on the skyline and it ends up getting associated with it, you know? Anyway, thank you, man. I loved the show for years and loved your material for decades. Go fuck yourself, alright.

Haters in charge. Hey Bill, arguing with somebody about this concept. Okay, I thought that was my nickname. I didn't say, hey Bill, arguing with someone about shit that doesn't matter. No, hey Bill, arguing with somebody about this concept. I think it's a really dumb idea to have anyone in charge who is mad or jaded, and better to have someone who sincerely empathizes

with that person or group to make a more reasonable, less emotional, more principled leader. Yeah, amen to that. I love America but I have problems with leadership. But then there are people who are just absolutely insane and think that we need to burn down the whole country. I think it's absolutely fucking ridiculous what the pharmaceutical industry, the food industry, banks and insurance companies are doing to their fellow Americans. It's treasonous and when they get caught doing what they're doing, you know, all there is

is like a class action suit against the corporation and it's like they never go after it. It's like who were the people in the board meeting? They need to start going and instead of holding a corporation responsible, they need to start holding people responsible and some CEOs need to fucking go to jail. And if that happened, then they would actually think about what they're doing. But right now, they can basically murder fellow Americans. You know, by putting stuff out there that they know is bad, that they know causes cancer, that they know causes addiction, and all of that type of stuff. And in the end, all you do is go after the conglomerate that came up

with the pill or the food or whatever the fuck it is, but you don't go after the people that had the data that knew what the fuck it was going to do and made a profit off of all of these other people suffering. And I hate to tell you this, I don't see Democrats or Republicans going after these people. I don't see Fox News or CNN doing it. All I see is all of them trying to get us to be yelling at each other. And I got to tell you, it's working. It's going great. Everybody in capital letters screaming and fucking yelling at each other.

It's so fucking depressing to look at. And then they got bots doing it. They got bots doing it on every other video on Instagram. You can blame the lid tarps for this. Yeah, thank you. And you want to elect Trump? You know you know just it's not even real people and it just gets people yelling again all right Kenny Banya uh hello Bilber said like Wilbur uh love your comedy and love the consistency of the podcast consistently ignorant yes reaching out as every now and again my wife and I will pop on Seinfeld at the end of the podcast. Consistently ignorant. Yes, reaching out as every now and again my wife

and I will pop on Seinfeld at the end of the night. Oh yeah, you can't mess with that show. I literally just, I had it on the road and it was a soup Nazi episode. The classics. It's right up there with like Mary Tyler Moore, like there was never a bad episode of that. Just my own personal opinion. Cheers. Every episode was fucking great. The Jeffersons, All in the Family, it's been some great ones over the years. Everybody loves Raymond, it's fucking is a killer one too. Alright, reaching out is everyone now and again, is every now and again my wife and I will pop on Seinfeld at the end of the night, and whenever she sees Kenny Banya, she can't help but think that Jerry Seinfeld wrote that character in reference to you.

That is impossible. I did not meet Jerry Seinfeld until like 10 years after the show went off the air. She says it every time, and now I can't help but think of you when I see Kenny Banya. I don't know who that is on the show. Did Jerry write this character in reference to you? Keep up the good work and go fudge yourself. First of all, The Seinfeld Chronicles, when it first came out, came out in 1989. I didn't even start, I didn't do my first open mic

until March of 1992. By March of 1993, I probably done stand-up, I don't know, maybe 25 times. I was finishing up in college and by then Seinfeld was a huge hit and they probably already had that character but like no I never I never even saw Seinfeld in a comedy club until right at the end of when it ended. He had already rapped on it and everything was edited and you know, America didn't know what the final, you know, however many episodes were gonna be, but he did. And he had already come back and started doing stand-up.

First time I ever saw him in person, I was in the crowd. I saw him in... Right towards the end, right around May of 98, almost... Let's see, I remember the night of the last episode, because Frank Sinatra died on almost the same day and I was in New York City, but whenever I saw him, it might have been in March, and they were already talking about all these outrageous rumors about how much they were gonna pay the cast if they decided to do one more season and all of this

stuff but anyway long story short he came down to the improv in on Melrose and I saw him come in and it was fucking amazing to see him and I remember he came in it was a 15 minute spot and he did 15 minutes and then left and I was like that's how you fucking do it because I remember he left and I was like fuck where's he going and I wish he stayed on longer and I remember thinking oh yeah always leave him wanting more and he was a pro he came in you know obviously he bumped all of us and we were waiting to go on but he didn't go on for like an hour and Hemin and Han, he went up, he started with shit that worked, he had new shit in

the middle, then he closed with the killer joke and then he was out of there. Got in his car and left, it was amazing. All right, Poison in our Food. Hey there old Billy Soapbox. I was just listening to Thursday podcast from a few weeks ago May 2nd 2024 and all you and you were talking about all the poisons and carcinogens in our food and fragrances Yeah, they're doing all this stuff now like Fragrances like perfumes and candles and all of this shit They don't have to tell people what's in it because it's protected because it's their secret recipe which they're like, okay Well, let's put some carcinogens in there. That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

Comedians have to answer for jokes, but these people don't have to answer for that? Anyway, my girlfriend and I just found an app that can scan any food or beauty slash hygiene products if they have a barcode and it'll give them a score out of a hundred how good or bad it is for you and it will also give recommendations for better slash lower risk products if the one you scan is not good. Alright well what I want you to do is find out who made that and who owns it because there's so many scams, like the scam of like, I love incognito mode.

You're on incognito mode. Nobody knows who you are. It's like, no, that's just to make you feel like no one knows who you are. And they 100% do. Everyone knows it's you, and they can go around anything. But this thing might be made by people that are trying to help out the people, or it could be made by a corporation that can't, it can't like,

maybe they're Pepsi and they can't get rid of Coke. So what they're gonna do is make an app that acts like it's, you know, working for you, but it's really working for Pepsi and it's gonna say Coke is bad and Pepsi is better. That's what I would be paranoid about. But, uh, anyways. And it also will give you recommendations for better ones, blah blah blah. It also provides information on why it isn't good, such as known chemicals and shit in there that's hazardous or could be risky. I'm not sure if you want to say the name on your podcast because I'm sure you don't want to provide free advertising.

What are you talking about? I don't care. I thought you would think that I was going to shut it down. So don't read this part aloud if you don't want to, but it's called... It's called... I'm going to say it. It's called Yucca. Y-U-K-A. And it's the one with the carrot as its logo. All right. We'll try and get this thing before one of these carcinogen companies buys it. And they won't put it out of business, they'll just make it, you know like how they just sort of with Waze, Waze just does what Google does now, Google Maps because Google bought Waze back in the day Waze would be different than Google's

and now it's all it's all just the same. Google Maps it's all the same, at least that's what my nerd friends tell me. Anyway, it breaks everything down for you and explains why it's risky and even gives sources of where that information is coming from. They say that it is completely independent and never gives recommendations based on products paying them to be higher in the list. Although I don't know how you would know

if that's true or not. I'm choosing to still use it because the information has been a game changer for us. Wow, that's cool. All right, the app is free. And no, I'm not affiliated with this app in any way. How do I know that's true? Who knows?

I just like it and think it's providing a good service to people. I figured you might like to know about it and if you want to check some of the products or food you eat, it's worth the download. A lot of the stuff I was eating that I thought were healthy option turned out to be absolute shit. So I immediately switched to things that didn't have all risky chemicals and BS in it. Also looking at things like body washes, shampoo, lotions, lip balm, and deodorant was very eye-opening. Yeah, I don't use deodorant anymore because I don't want to get like Alzheimer's or

anything like that. I've never been a big sweater. So, you know, I haven't used deodorant in years and no one has complained. Although I do have less friends. Fragrances really are tricky because it's classified as intellectual property. So here in the US they don't have to disclose the ingredients. Well in other countries they do, so obviously it's fucked. They paid somebody off. He says, which sucks, but I found you can still get a lot of good information Well, in other countries they do, so obviously it's fucked, they paid somebody off. He says, which sucks, but I found you can still get a lot of good information and make better choices with this app. It also doesn't only take into consideration our laws in this country,

but also the health and safety laws in places like Europe. So sometimes you even get information that you normally might not get, because the FDA doesn't, air quote, require companies to provide that information. Anyway, I love your work and I hope to hear your thoughts on this app if you give it a look or if you just think it's bullshit. LOL, keep crushing it out there Bill, health and happiness to you and your family.

Yeah, I mean isn't it amazing that like during all of that, what I just talked about, other than thinking about getting that app, did you stop and think how fucked up it is that, that this is like normal? Like, all right, if we got an app to figure out whether these corporations are poisoning their own people or not. Anyway, all right, that's it. That's the podcast. Uh, I'm looking forward to this game tonight. It's gonna be a heartbreaker for somebody and over the moon for somebody else and

Another great NHL season coming down to a game seven Stanley Cup final You can't ask any more than that. Good luck to both teams. I will be watching and I will be in Seattle I will be watching and I will be in Seattle this week. I don't know if I'm gonna be doing the third, I'll probably do it, the Thursday podcast, but I'm taking my special this week up at the Moore Theatre. Looking forward to it. Alright everybody, I will talk to you on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves.