Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-26-23

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

Bill rambles about snakes, Friday the 13th, and retiring. Policy Genius:  Head to www.policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. AG1:  Try AG1 and get a free 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 Free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase at  www.drinkAG1.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday! June 26th, what's going on? How are ya? How's it going, odd? Geez, that's fantastic. Good day, did you have a nice weekend? Oh fuck! Guess what happened all freckles. Can guess what happened all 55 year old pasty fucking bald son of a bitch. I threw out my fucking back Like you cannot believe and it's it's not my lower back. It's my the middle of my back and Like once every year and a half this fucking thing goes out and when it goes out I go I mean I go down

To the ground like it's fucking over and then like I'm down on like all fours and I can't even like move my leg to like get it Under my foot underneath me to stand up again I almost have to do like child's pose and all of this shit. I originally, the first time I got the injury, I still remember it. I was imitating Tony Atlas, the great wrestler and his finishing move was he would pick his opponent up. He would military press him up over his head. So I was doing that to my little brother and I was going to body slam him onto our floral pattern colored sofa. Still remember where I was. I still remember the living room. I still remember the brown rug. You know, this was left over 70s decor. Earth tones were big. I fucking picked him up and I got about three quarters of the way like above my head and it felt like

between my shoulders blades folded backwards and I was the first time I went, oh, I went down to the ground. I was probably 16 years old when I did that and it never bothered me again for years and then it started going out again. You know what's funny? I did this stand-up special called Walk Your Way Out and the day of that special it went out on me and I was just like, oh my god, I fucking knew it. This is just how this business is, but I was able to kind of stretch and I was all right for the special. But anyway, this morning, holy shit. And I think it came from stretching. I've been doing all of this stretching and all of this shit because I'm, you know,

doing the PT from my shoulders. I did the elliptical, I don't know what the fuck I did, but I woke up, it was completely out. I sort of rolled out of bed and I was all right, a little bit, but as I went to stand up, it was fucking killing me. And then I was like, all right, I can't put my jeans on. I need some sweatpants and they were in my luggage

that was in the hotel like closet. And it was up on us, and I reached for it with one arm, my right arm, and I went just to lift it. I didn't even lift it, it and it was up on us. And I reached for it with one arm, my right arm, and I went just to lift it. I didn't even lift it, just to try to lift it. And the thing went out and I just went, I was nervous if people heard it in the hall. I just literally went,

and I fucking, I was fucking down. And I'm out here by myself and I'm fucking on the ground. I'm in pain and I'm also laughing because I'm like, the fuck am I gonna do here? I can't get off the floor. I'm in my underwear there, right? Oh my God. So I somehow got back to my feet after like 10 minutes and I went over to the sink and somehow grabbing onto the sink and then leaning backwards brought all of this relief and I did that like four or five times and I was able to get upright and then I just sort of walked around the city and I met with a friend of mine for some coffee and she gave me some muscle relax and then I was fine.

And then we went over to the seller because it was funny. I'd done Newark the night before with Dean and Josh Adamayas and they were saying, hey, you're gonna do the brunch show tomorrow? You're gonna do the brunch show at the seller? I mean, I said, the bra,

I'm not doing a fucking newner, see, in my world, brunch, that's doing a nooner. Those things are a nightmare. And a nooner for my generation of comedian, I don't know about the kids today, but like a nooner was, you went up at like fucking twelve noon one in the afternoon in a cafeteria at a college and the kids had no idea there was a show they didn't want to show they were studying they were laughing with their friends they were

doing eating what at they were doing anything and then you had to come up like this fucking obnoxious asshole who wasn't invited to the party that just put a lampshade on his head. And when I tell you, like, I have bombed everywhere you can bomb. No bomb was longer, more lonelier, more frustrating or infuriating than bombing at 12 noon, 1 p.m. at a fucking college, because these kids

were just looking at you like you were the biggest fucking jerk off and they were right. You were right and you were just standing there just eating your fucking balls and they're looking at you like you're an asshole. And the whole time you're up there, you're mad at your college agent, you're mad at yourself for saying okay to it and then you're mad at the fucking people at the college who didn't fucking promote the show, right? So I have all of this post-traumatic stress disorder for that shit. So anyway, Keith Robinson text me and he goes, where you act stupid? I said, you know, I'm getting coffee with Maureen,

Maureen Taren who books the fucking, the Patrisso Neal Benefit and she gave me these back drugs and I said, I'm gonna come over there and I'm gonna slap you right in the fucking chops, right? So I'm going over there, had coffee in my favorite place, my back's feeling a little better. I got a little fucking nub cigar to smoke on the way over there.

It's the day of the gay pride parade, and I'm in the East Village, and the village looks the way it used to look, which it was a bunch of freaks in a good way. Everybody walk around, crazy clothes, hair, and all of this shit, and I was just like, this is the fucking New York that I remember, where it was just like, I mean, it was just like, this is the fucking New York that I remember where it was just like, I mean, it was just in the greatest way, like every single kind of person you could possibly want to see, it was fucking awesome. And I was in a great mood

because I had three great shows and I go over there, and Keith's there, and Estee's there, and everything, they're like, you wanna go up and I go over there, keys there and SD's there and everything. They're like, you wanna go up? I said, yeah, fuck it, I'll go up. I went up and it was like one of the best crowds of the week that I went up for. And I was thinking, why is this crowd so great?

It makes no sense. It's like in the middle of the day, it's like, well, they got the day off. And when the show's over, they still got the rest of the day. So they were like extra relaxed, and it went up. And as much fun as I had on all these other shows, it was almost like my favorite show of the week.

So thank you to the seller, forget me on, and then I got to eat brunch. I saw Rachel Feinstein and all my friends and all this stuff. I had a great time and Dean was there. And it was kind of the great ending to this run of dates where last night I was in Newark. It's so funny. I thought I was playing the,

because they go, this is what the New Jersey Devils play. In my head, they were still in the continental airlines arena. Right? I thought they were still there. I didn't have no fucking idea. I guess they've been in this arena for, you know, almost 20 years.

The new one. So listen to this night. Before I go over there, I get a text... I'm dropping all kinds of names here. I apologize, but it was an unbelievable weekend. I get a text from fucking dice saying, hey man, he goes, you're playing out in Jersey, I want to come and see the show, is that okay? And I was like, fuck yeah, come on over. You're serious?

And he goes, yeah man, I haven't seen you. I go, I want to see you do a full set. So I said, fuck yeah. So me, Dean and Josh Adamars, we head over from the city to go do the show. I fucking show up to the show. I had just done that Red Sox broadcast and I was talking about how one of the young buyers had all this padding and he looked like Lindy Ruff. Cause back in the day, I remember Fred Cusick

talking about Lindy Ruff going, one of the Bruins gave him a cheap shot. And Fred Cusick was such a homer for the Bruins he was going like, well, you have to hit him, he's so well protected, right? And I always thought that was hilarious. So I used that as a reference, saying how Lindy, you know, wore all these, I said the umpire

looked like Lindy rough and then this hockey player, retired hockey player, told me this funny story that he goes, you know what, we used to call Lindy rough and I said what? And he said, we used to call him Lindy on the road rough at home, meaning he played more, you know, when he went, do you have a building that was hostile, whatever, he played, but he didn't go really, you know, he stayed within the board, I boundaries, I guess. And then when they would get home, you know, he would have a little more fucking, you know, a little more snort, you know, he'd fucking, you know, elbow, yeah, stick coming up and all that, drop the gloves or whatever, get the hometown crowd going, right? So I don't know if that guy, he's the coach of the devil. So when I showed

up, I had it, they had a little, they always give you like a jersey and they put your name on it. So fucking cool. And it was a little card in there. And it said, welcome to our building. I hope it doesn't get too rough tonight. R-U-F-F sign windy rough. It is now my favorite piece of memorabilia I've ever gotten. You know, they like, you got the jersey. I was like, fuck the jersey, you got the card, I'm saving that. I want that, I mean, I took the jersey too, but I wanted the card, so. And then dice comes in.

This is like a make-a-wish nice for me. And dice comes in. And the second I saw, I'm a game of hug, I go, dude, you're going up tonight. And he goes, oh, no, no, no, I just want to say, I know, dude, you're fucking going up tonight. And he goes, you sure, I go, yeah. He's like say, I know, dude, you're fucking going up tonight. And he goes, you sure? I go, yeah. He's like, oh, fuck, now I gotta figure out

what I'm gonna do. So we just sat there, we're hanging out. You know, all these people, the end of the tour, Club Soda Kenny and all that shit. And, you know, Josh goes up, he kills, Dean goes up, he kills. And then, he, uh, he kills. And then a club soda Kenny, back when Dice first blew up, was his security guy

and he used to intro him. He introed him for all of that HBO special. He didn't Madison Square Garden, right? So Kenny got to reintroduce him, did the old school intro, brings Dice Clay up there and do it. When I tell you, I saw this guy before I was ever a comedian in November I was November 1989 I saw him at the Worcester Central I just when I tell you I was the second to last fucking row all the way across the fucking

arena all the way up top and I saw him if you ever told me that I was ever even going to do stand up, forget about the, you know, start selling tickets, forget about ending up playing in arena and that I would do it with him, it was so fucking surreal. So dice goes up and when he hasn't lost a step, he went up there, it was just, it was like I was back in 1989. Absolutely fucking murder. The only way I can compare it to is you ever go to see a band that's been around for 30 fucking years

and you're thinking like, all right, they're gonna tune down or whatever and then you go out and they still playing it in the same key and the singer is still fucking killing it. And that was like watching dice. Like literally was killing so hard. I was like going, fuck, now I gotta follow this. Place went nuts, he brought him up

and then he closed with the nursery rhymes. And I literally had my arms up over the head when he started doing the thing with the cigarette and fucking all that, you know, cocking the head and all that I was like oh my god oh my god he's gonna do the nursery rhymes and he just can't get rid of the dog this chick was sucking my cock right now it's just like it was unreal and then he brought me up you know I almost got choked up I'm not gonna lie to you I did I did get I did got choked up. I'm not gonna lie to you. I did. I did get Did get choked up. Thank God my back didn't go out and

I went up there and I fucking I got the hug them great job and all of that and then I just was amazing And then I did my show the crowd was unbelievable the sound was amazing. It was the it was the Perfect night The sound was amazing. It was the perfect night. Bridgeport was unbelievable. I got to work with Vinny Brand, who does the stress factory and New Brunswick and Bridgeport. He came up, he did five up front. We had a fucking amazing debate backstage. He's a club owner, I'm a fucking, you know, comedian, I'm like, yeah, remember this date you fucked me on this, I never did that,

you fucking delusional, I had this great debate with him. Saw him and Bill Blum and Reich, the great promoter from Boston who I, who did Fenway Park with me, I got to hang with them. And then the day before that, I was in Hershey and Pennsylvania and they were an unbelievable crowd. And I'd like, three of the best shows in my career because I figured out why I'm doing stand-up again. You know, I was kind of having this existential crisis. Yes, I did just say that word and I finally know what the fuck it means.

Because what happened was I Fuckin took these mushrooms and I went to therapy and I figured in myself out and I got happy and for once in my life I didn't need to do stand-up as far as like I used to live and die by my sets like if I had a good set if you guys laughed at me It like healed me for 24 hours or whatever. It made me feel good about myself. If I went up and I bombed, it made me feel, it reinforced how I felt about myself. So then I would like a fucking drug addict. I would have to the next night,

I gotta have a shake that went off. I gotta have a good set so I can feel whole again. So then what happened? Fucking 30 years later, I gotta shake that one off. I gotta have a good set so I can feel whole again. So then what happened? Fucking 30 years later, I finally figured myself out. A couple of mushroom trips and some therapy. All of a sudden I'm happy and I realized that, like, you know, that rush I get on stage is not, you know, the same thing is like

having a home life, a wife you love, kids that you love, and all of that, and then all of a sudden everything came into perspective. And then it was like, why would I leave this? Why would I go on the fucking road? Why am I doing this now, right? So that was my three shows in LA. When I did the Roxy, the Trubordor and the Roxy, I was having a good time and having good sets,

but I was fucking floating when I was up there. I'm like, why am I still doing this? I feel like I'm cured. And then what I figured out, I figured it out in the last night, it's like, wait a minute Bill. So basically for 30 years, you've been doing it for yourself, selfishly. How about now you go out there and you do it for them. They

come in, they had a tough week, they got depression or they're just fucking, they're bosses and asshole or whatever. They watch the news, they're bummed out, they need a laugh. Go up there and be this dance and clown and just do it for them. And then it took all this pressure off of me. I was like, oh yeah. Why don't I not be a self-involved fucking asshole? And it changed my energy. And then I wasn't going on stage defensively. And I had these really like, I felt light on stage.

Except a Newark one going on after Dice. I was like, oh my God, oh my God, fucking Dice. Jesus Christ. So I have a whole new perspective. I don't know. And now I'll probably get shit for that. I liked the money, was fucking angry. No, I had all kinds of new shit came out this week, so I'm very excited about that. So thank you to everybody that came out.

And yeah, and that's it. That's the end of this thing. But the next two weeks, I'm also on the road. And, uh, I think I got Allentown next. I have no fucking idea. But, um, I don't know. I don't know. I can get home, hang out with my wife and kids. I also made this promise like, you know, when I'm not on the road working,

which I have to do as the dad, I'm just making sure every single day I do something with my kids, you know, some sort of like a vent now, you know. Take them somewhere or play with them or do something like that because, you know, you get pissed. I always hang with them at the end of the day, like the last like, you know, two and a half hours, which is a lot of time compared to what, you know, the way I grew up, but I still feel like you got to do like that, you know, go play with them outside,

and they're like absolutely hilarious now, so. I don't know, my fucking back, Jesus Christ. I was gonna do the elliptical every single day, right? Cause my wife bought me this beautiful goddamn shirt, this green shirt buttoned down, that's the same color. It's like, you know, that British racing grain. And she bought me this fucking thing right before I hosted SNL in 2020 and I've never been able to fit it. And I still can't.

So I gotta start doing some cardio. That's like my thing. I watched that fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger documentary on Netflix where he's just like I would get this thing in my mind and I get this vision of how I wanted to look and if I could see it I could be at it and then you will be a body to do what it is that you're seeing in your head. Whatever the fuck he said I was just I was like it was like a great coach giving you a pre-game speech and then you want to go run through a brick wall. So that's what I tried to do and you know what happened? I fucking threw my goddamn back out. Oh my god, I just sat up. It's all right. I'm going to get through this. I will get through this whenever I have a fucking back problem. You know what's funny? I have my fucking my hotel room. I got all these goddamn ants in here. You know when they come up through the drain

and the sink, right? So the lovely Mia keeps going and she goes, why don't you fucking switch rooms? And I'm like, cause I'm not talking to these people. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hardware store. I get it right here. I bought, I bought raid ant and roach because I knew the people, you know, you know, you call them, they're like, yes, sir, we'll be well and probably. Jesus, the way you know, the act like it never happens. It's like, dude, I get it. It's New York. I'm just happy. There's not a bunch of roaches fucking crawling all over me. And they're like, well, send a guy right up, you know, 40 minutes later than out there.

So I go, I fucked this. I'll go out, I got some coffee and I'm just going to go, I'll stop by a hardware store and I got the raid ant roach, but these fucking things over, these are like New York City ants. So it takes a little more than a little bit of poison to stop these fuckers. So I stayed out late last night, like an asshole, right? And earlier this morning, I was having this dream that I was sweating, and this dropper sweat was rolling down my forehead, and then I kind of woke up, and I realized it was an ant. So I like freaked out. Cause I thought my bed was all covered in ants,

you know, you fucking just waking up. I was like, I was thrashing around. I think that that's what kind of put my back over the fucking top. So anyway, I woke up this morning and I actually looked at the floor and there was so many fucking ants. Do you remember that in the raiders of the Lost Ark when he looked down that fucking that hole? And he's like, why is the floor? And he looked down and it was all a bunch of snakes. That it was the ant version, I wouldn't have said that, but that's the first thing I thought of,

which by the way, that scene never made any sense. It's like, okay, all of those snakes are down there. It was an amazing visual fucking thing. And you know, back then they couldn't green screen it, so they had probably had all of those goddamn snakes, but it's just like, well, what the fuck are they eating? They'd have to be a whole bunch of mice and rats down there, unless they'd be eating each other, right? All these different kinds of species and shit. I fucking hate snakes. I mean, I love watching shows about them and all the stuff they do, but like,

I really feel like they set up the rodents, you know, in all of those things, Because somehow it's like they show the snake and then they cut to the mouse. And it's like, how the fuck do you know he's going after that mouse? You know what I mean? Like I never understood why Peter never calls them up. You know, you can't fucking walk around with the goddamn fox around your neck, But these cuts, I saw a video one time, they're showing the fucking snake, then I'm underground camera, looking at a fucking mouse in the ground. It's like, how'd you know he's gonna go down that hole?

How'd you get a fucking camera down there? It was a total setup. And then they just filmed the fucking thing, going in there. They got all this, you know, they scored the thing. It was like watching a fucking action movie. Sorry, I had to drink the last of that. Um, I don't know.

Did I mention to you guys, I want to see that horror movie smile? I didn't have the right headphones, but I was watching it with no sound. And I just really liked the way it was shot. And the first woman in it that plays the first crazy person, I just thought she was amazing in it. And I usually, I usually do not like fucking horror movies. They fucking scare the shit out of me. But I mean, I was actually talking to somebody about horror movies in the 80s,

where they were so fucking scary. And then they just, like overnight, it just got silly. It was kind of like the fucking metal scene that I was watching, like in the early 80s, right up to about fucking 83, 84. It was fucking killer, you know?

And then it just started spinning out of control. How big the hair was the amount of makeup and then guys literally wearing like pink and all of that. I mean, you think the gay pride parade has got a whole variety of people. They had nothing on glam, well, I couldn't say nothing, but, I mean, actually it probably came from that scene.

It just became, yeah, it just became like this crazy. It was like SNM and fucking pink. Guys with lipstick on. It was fucking, it was fucking pink. Guys will lipstick on. It was fucking, it was, it was actually inadvertent, like accidentally progressive while they were just singing about banging chicks and fucking objectify them and the devil and all that. It was fucking bizarre, right? And I feel like horror movies were the same way where the level that they had gotten to in the 70s with the exorcist and Halloween and all of that kind of like then opened the

door to going into the 80s. And that ferns fucking Friday the 13th. Okay, don't listen to this because it's totally, I'm totally gonna ruin the fucking movie if you never saw it, all right? But it's also the movie's 40 years old. So in that first one, you know, that would, the basically the backstory was a kid drowned up at Crystal Lake, a kid named Jason,

Voorhees or whatever his name was, Jason, right? And basically, the mom felt the camp counselors should have been paying more attention, but they were too busy partying and fucking around, and all of that type of stuff. So, in the first one, you know, all of these people are getting killed and

you're just assuming it's a guy. And then in the end, it turns out that it's the mom. I forget what happens to her. I imagine they end up killing her. And then in the end of the movie, I'm totally ruining the movie, but I'm telling you, it's fucking four years old. This fucking scared the shit out of me, like nothing I ever watched. Somebody was on a boat out in Crystal Lake, where Jason died, and then, and they were playing this calm music. It was the end, and I was so relieved

that the fucking murderer was done, and you thought the movie was over. This is the first time I ever saw a movie do this. It was that last scare and I had no idea it was common and when that motherfucker came up, the drown Jason came up and grabbed the person in the boat and pulled him out under and they did it like super fast and then into slow motion I think. I fucking literally pulled my legs up one of the, I forget how old I was when I saw 13 or 14. I was like,

oh, and also you got to understand, I'd never seen movies like that. My parents didn't take me to that. And all we had, we had like three fucking networks and our UHF thing was busted. So, I was watching the fucking, I went from like the Mike Douglas

show in cartoons on Saturday morning to the first Friday to 13th. It scared the fucking shit out of me. And the movies were good. And then when they brought Jason in with the, you know, the first one, he had the second one, he had the fucked up face, the third one, he got the hockey mask. And somewhere around the third one, it just started becoming like, you know, just slasher movies where it was just like, you know, seeing somebody get their arm hacked off and blah, blah, blah, but they weren't building suspense and everyone was just getting gutted. And then I remember, I would go to the movies to see him and it went from people being scared in the early eighties to him in the mid by the mid eighties

people would go to slasher movies and would be screaming with laughter and yelling and fuck around you'd still jump at everyone would laugh somebody's eye would get popped out or get their head slashed people be like oh they would just you know like they're watching a hockey game and somebody got like checked and they kind of like, uh, they got stooped and it wasn't good. You know, like any, any form of music where it just gets blown out and it just gets dumb and then something new comes along and then it gets good again, right? And I feel like horror movies did that.

And now, I don't know, somewhere around the Blair Witch, I was just like, you know what, fuck this shit. Fuck these horror movies. Like these people are going beyond trying to scare me. They're trying to psychologically scar me for the rest of my life. I don't want to watch this shit. And I think the last ones I watched,

I think I last ones I watched, I think, I saw Old Boy and I saw the audition. And Bobby Lee told me to watch both of those. And I was just like, you know what? This is just getting fucking, you know, and I started to watch like saw and I'm just like, I can't, I can't hint. I don't know how you guys watched those fucking movies like those things like really fuck me up so anyway I probably haven't sat down the last one I saw was that Baba Duke one and I couldn't get through it there was a mom there was fucking kids and I'm just in a kid I'm just like fuck this like it was so freak me out I was actually

angry at the movie I'm like I'm not fucking watching I'm just like, fuck this. Like it was so freak me out, I was actually angry at the movie. I'm like, I'm not fucking watching. I'm not putting myself through this. And then I just sort of swore off of them. And then the other day I saw that one, I was like, I don't know, I might have to go back. I might watch that one with Nia. Anyway, and with that, let me get to the ad reads here

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That's it for the reads. Okay. What do we got now? It says Bill. We have some great We got some great reads here. What the fuck did I do? I guess the fuck is it? Oh there it is there it is there it is. Let's see here. All right There it is, there it is, there it is. Let's see here. All right. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, bu here. The food and history are amazing. Have you ever thought of retiring in Europe?

Absolutely I have. I have, but you know what? I would miss America. I would... I mean, I'm like everybody. I love my country. I love where I live. And I would miss the... I'd miss the sports. I like it. I, but I, I would like, you know, I visit other continents. And I like them and I have a good time, but I'm not, not gonna lie to you. After like 10 days, I do, you know, I do miss America. So, um, I don't know. I've thought about, you know, you know, all that dumb shit you think about. You know, maybe if I just fucking be in Spain or France or whatever, blah blah blah, but I would or Italy, I would miss it. And then also, you know, if I lived, if I was like an immigrant,

I'd get treated like one after a while. You guys would be like, you know, hey, you guys don't mind to people visit. You stay there like, what the fuck are you doing here? Taking our god damn jobs. But if I did, I don't know. I do think a retiree, but then I don't know what I do think of retiring, but then I don't know what I do with myself, but I also wonder like what,

where I would retire. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Whenever I think about retiring, I always have a small house with no neighbors, and I'm just fucking hanging out, and I live a simple life. I wouldn't want to have no neighbors. I would like to live in a simple town,

you know, a nice downtown area, cool fucking people, good mix of people, and, you know, just plucking around town with my wife. That's all I would want. But I don't know. How do you just like, how would I retire in Europe? I'm not a citizen. How would they allow me? I wouldn't even know how to do that.

I don't know. I did see, you know, there's a couple of people I've been fans of that, like, just live in France or something like that. Maybe I would do that and then finally get the language down because I'll tell you the other day, I was listening to, like, I got this app where you can listen to French news slowly. And I couldn't believe how much I kind of knew what they were talking about.

And that was exciting because I've been really bad about my studies for like the last three months. I got really frustrated with the future tense and then I got busy with other stuff. So I have to get back on and I was using Pimsler and now I'm thinking, you know what? I'm going to read some books and I'm going to just watch the news every day. It seems like that's easier. That's where my brain is right now. And then I'll get back to the pencil or thing, but

I don't know. I do enjoy travel, but to answer your question. I don't think I could retire over there. I am an American through and through So I would probably I would stay here. All right, you're new bed. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus, I was talking about how my wife bought a craftmatic automatic adjustable bed. And you know, we got to, I got to figure out, you know, when she puts the vibrate and thing on and I don't have it on, it's like vibrate and still vibrating my side of the bed.

And if I sleep on my side and my head, my ears on the pillow, it sounds like somebody's drilling for oil next to me. Anyways, the person says, hey, Billy Fritos, I just heard and enjoyed your most recent podcast we talked about in your new craftmatic adjustable bed. We have had one of those for years. Let me clue you in on a secret about those beds. The raising and lowering of the head and feet is amazing. So amazing that if you raise both the head and the feet up

as high as they can go, the bed will fold you up to the point where you can practically lick your own balls. Love your stuff. Keep the vibe alive. Yeah, I don't know, but I just know that she loves it and, oh man, I remember this comedian Paul Nerdyzzy used to do a fucking hilarious bit about that bed. And I'm kind of living that right now I Don't know we got the thing and then I went on the road so I'll see if I learned to like it I find that the most comfortable I find is just to having just laying down normal in it So we shall see anyway

How do ladies always win? Hey there Bill? Not really looking for advice, but this interaction seems likely to get you all fired up. My daughter, high school junior, got into a summer program where she'll live on a college campus for five weeks in a 10 college level classes. Upon completion, she will be eligible for free for your college ride anywhere in the state.

Well, that's a pretty good deal. So I'm a super, so I'm super, a super proud dad, several thousand students apply, only a handful make it. Okay, so the wife drives her out there. I had to work on drop-off day, woke up early with them, pack the car, said goodbye, etc. Get a call from my wife a bit later. The wife says, honey, you really should have come, pauses here. My internal monologue, shit, I should have taken the day off work to make the drive with my little girl, fuck, that I miss a transitional life moment wife continues first sentence

She says she packed too much shit the elevators were crowded We had to carry stuff up some stairs. We really could have used you Me wow, I kind of thought you were talking you were taking that a different way I didn't expect to say you to say I should have come just to be a pack meal different way. I didn't expect to say you to say I should have come just to be a pack meal. Wife. Oh, I mean it is emotional, but no, I meant that she just had five weeks of shit and it was hard for us. Anyway, we, oh God. Anyway, we hung up 10 minutes later, I get a text from her. Do you need me to tell you when it's appropriate to support your child? Oh, brother.

She flipped that around on you, huh? Being a 25-year vet in First Ballet, Hall of Fame, and Dutty in this relationship, I didn't respond. Just mark the text as red and went on with my day. That's great. Silence. Let it think about what she said and then you're not engaging so all she's left with is the last thing that was said was what she said fantastic so far you are absolutely crushing this and I am believing that if

I read the rest of this you're going to win this fucking argument. So here we go continuing on. But what the shit damn it must be nice to get to go through life always being right and putting me in a box where I'm a physical resource to be used at her disposal. Can you imagine if we treated them like an object? Well, we do. We go look at them fucking titties. Anyway, I suppose that is how women historically have been treated, but Jesus fucking Christmas. This new shit seems like a bit of an over correction. I very much like assuming you read this on the MMP that the lovely Nea is on. Love when you two go back and forth mostly when you admit she is winning the ball breaking. Anyways, stay out of this sun.

You can't go fuck yourself. Yeah, well, I would have just said to her. I would have written back, just said, well, just so you know, I was at work, like beating myself up, thinking like, man, I should have taken the day off. I missed this whole thing, but like, I just feel my job as a man is to go out and work and provide. And I, what I was hoping was you were going to say you dropped her off and she was okay and she didn't cry

that's what i needed and when you said i wish you were there i thought you were talking about that and instead you brought up you know her five weeks worth of stuff and it just made me feel like that's how you viewed me you just say it like that rather than being like one of my some sort of pack you you fucking asshole which is really what you want to say, but that's just going to lead to you know, fighting.

Yeah, but that's I, you know, that is a part of it. It really is a part of it like, you know, and they're sort of allowed to objectify you as you are something to pick up heavy shit, but you can't objectify them where you're just like, hey, I got fucking needs over here, and they can be like, ah, I'm not in the mood. All right, I see that.

Well, you know, I'm not in the mood to pick that shit up that you could pick up to. Why do I always have to pick it up? But, you know, I can be honest, you know the deal. As a 25 year vet, that's not going to get you anywhere. It's not, you know, you're just going to piss them off and then your life is going to suck. So, great move, not responding. I condone that.

It's just stupid. Fucking die on another hill. All right right phrases. Hey silly Billy gumdrops. I had a family in town. I had family in town. I had the family baggy. And we were talking, we were talking about how much people can't stand criticism anymore. And my aunt said, yeah, criticism anymore. And my aunt said, yeah, I told them I'm not going to buttercoded. Oh, Jesus Christ. I laughed and asked her if she says buttercote instead of sugarcoat because she's a diabetic. She said she's been trying, she's been saying that forever, I never heard sugarcoat. Side question, do you ever find yourself playing the kick drum with your left foot while driving? Thanks. Yes, I do.

Everyone else can go fuck themselves and you have a nice day. All right, let's back up for a second. I forget if I told you this one. I had a friend of mine. She was talking about her dad going, oh yeah, you know my dad, she goes, she said, oh she said, you know, we had a temper, she said, swore like a fish. I just started cracking up, I go, I think it's, it swears like a sailor and drinks like a fish, you combine the two and then she laughs going like, I always fucking do that. There are so many people that do that. You either get them wrong,

or my favorite is the amalgam. When you come, ah, the guy, the guy swears like a fish, you know? He drinks like a, drinks like a sailor still works. I don't know, but I like that one. I'm not gonna buttercoat it. I'm not gonna buttercoat it. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

Frothing at the bit, chopping at the bit, frothing at the mouth. All right, incorrect phrases. Hello, how are ya? Buh-buh-buh bald head Billy. My buddy and I were having beers and playing pool at a bar and we overheard this drunk kid with his friends say, don't worry bro, it's water under the fridge. Oh my god. Which can happen though. You can't get water under the fridge. My friend and I immediately looked at ourselves and started pissing ourselves laughing.

Water under the fridge that is fucking epic. Oh, that's amazing. His friend tried telling him he had it wrong, but he insisted, no man, when you drop an ice cube and it slides under the fridge, you can't get it. So you'll have water under the fridge. You can't get it. So you'll have water under the fridge. You forget about it and move on. Oh my god, that is amazing. From this Canadian kindly go fuck yourself. Please and thank you. Water under the fridge everybody. That is still that is my latest favorite one. All right, anyway, I am here in staying downtown in the East Village and what a great fucking day, man. It really, these last

couple times I came to New York, really made me miss New York and this is a cool generation of young people. Good look and generation. God damn it. You know, I'm at that age. I walk down the street. I just look at people just going like, fuck, I wish I was that skinny. I killed it. I have that guy stomach. I literally do that. I'll see somebody do something like, fuck, I wish I could do that with my shoulders and I am like I don't know how it happened. I am just an old man now and I'm sitting here like 30 years older than these people and they got all of this technology and all of this shit and I am just sitting there

drinking a cup of coffee, reading a newspaper, and I actually get people my age going like, is that a fucking newspaper? Nobody reads the newspaper anymore. I'm like, how do you not? I actually read the post one day and I read the Daily News the next day and the level, like they were always politicized, but now it's like just fucking unbelievable.

And I read this hilarious article that this dude had written About how he came up to this idea for a movie script and it was a good idea. He wanted to do He wanted to do a movie about Roger I think it's Roger Bannister was the first guy to run a sub Roger, I think it was Roger Bannister. It was the first guy to run a sub four-minute mile. He ran it in the threes. He just barely made it.

359 in change. And it was, you know, science said it was impossible. So of course, that becomes a goal. And there was these three guys trying to be the first ones to do it. And Roger Bannister ended up doing it, right? It's a great idea for a movie. So he goes, I pitched the idea to this writer and he just goes, you know, Hollywood's not

going to make it, right? And he says, well, why not? He goes, because it's about three white guys. And he goes, all right, well, what if I make one of them black and the guy goes, he's still not going to make them. So then he starts to go on and on and on about, you know, how this is all, Hollywood now when all this type of stuff. And I'm reading this article.

I don't want to be like, buddy, let me get this straight. You had an idea for a movie, you pitched it to one person and they said no. It's like, that happens with every fucking movie. Okay, I got a movie coming out called Old Dad's. I don't, I couldn't even tell you how many people we pitched it to when they said no. And they just said no and they say no and they say no until somebody says yes and then you got to find money and then you find

that and then we made it and then we didn't have anybody to distribute it and then we were trying to get it out in theaters and then we finally made a fucking deal and then it's finally gonna come out and I'm not allowed to tell you this was like fucking four years of my life. So and it was just funny listening to a white guy bitching like acting like they're not making white movies and it just really made me think like I always thought it was funny how like when Hollywood at these award shows has the nerve to talk to red states about race relations when you see how far behind Hollywood is.

Like sports integrated like 60 fucking years ago. And I feel like Hollywood is is is where baseball was in like the 1950s and they're patting themselves on the back. So then listen, one of my fellow whiteies, my fellow white homeboys fucking getting his panties in a bunch because he pitched a fucking all white movie to one person and then he said, oh my god you can't even get the movie made. I just want to be like dude, this is how it is, this is what it's like to make a fucking movie and relax. Movies are still 99% fucking white. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be okay.

Pitch it to somebody else. Keep pitching it. It's a great fucking idea for a movie. I hope it gets made. I'd like to see it. I find that fascinating. I didn't realize that there was three people doing it. But don't get involved, you know, that was like,

you know, I even know when they started giving specials out to other people. And I would listen to white male comics going, oh, I can't even fucking get a special. It's like, yes, you can't. There's like fucking 2% competition now. And you're going to fold up the fucking tents. You know, it's good competition is good. This is all good. Everybody's, you know, it's good. Competition is good. This is all good. Everybody's, you know, it's not a perfect fucking thing, but don't fucking whine about it. Just keep, you know, everybody, just keep pushing ahead. I hope that guy gets his movie made, but he's not going to get his movie made if he pitches it to one person and they say, yeah, that's not going to happen and then you're fucking quit. I mean, that goes back to everybody. People And then you're fucking quit. I mean,

that goes back to everybody. People who had ideas for cars, people that they used for business, you know, you ask an out, some chick who ended up being your wife. She says, no, like fucking nine times, you know, you just, you hang in there. I just thought it was such a bad message to send to people that like you have an idea and you just try it once and when people say no you just become that guy in a bar going I try to do it and a guy said no and now I can't do it it's like what the fuck? And then this person who wrote it is very successful and there's no fucking way he got there and everybody said yes the whole way so it's just one of those things where it's person who wrote it is very successful and there's no fucking way he got there.

And everybody said yes the whole way. So it's just one of those things where it's just one of just one of those articles where it's just like, yeah, this is a great article. Why would you write this? Because you're just trying to divide people. You're just trying to feed like racist white people more ignorant so there can be more fucking hate and more divisive thing. It's just such a, I don't know, was depressing to read it. You know what I mean? So anyway, I hope that guy gets the movie made because it seems like a really good idea, but I can tell

you this right now, if he's just going to pitch it to one person and they're going to say, no, and he's going to fold his tent, He's really writing an article on how not to succeed in life. So all you people out there regardless of what color you are, whatever you want to do when you run it by the first person and then they say no, just let it roll off your back. All right. Hey everybody, it's water under the fridge. Hang in there. You'll get there. All right. And with that, that's the podcast for this week. I know it's a little bit short, but I got to get packed here and I got to get home to the family. The family backwashed. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you. On Thursday. you