Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-6-11

Episode Date: June 6, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the Bruins, Arguing strategies and bear mace.

With the Metaverse, firefighters will one day be able to use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings, saving them crucial seconds when lives are on the line. The Metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash Metaverse Impact. Yes, sir, I am on vacation, but before I get to talking about what a great fun-ass fucking time I've been having for the last few days. I need to address the Boston Bruins for half a second. All right, you know what the Bruins need? Okay, they need Larry Bird or someone of his ilk. God knows there's not a lot of them to walk into that fucking locker room.

Okay, and he needs to give that speech that he gave way back in the day when we were getting fucking our asses kicked by the Lakers and Larry Bird fucking went on TV or whatever. He's getting interviewed and he's sitting there with his fucking pasty torso and his little prepubescent fucking mustache. You know, it's cleft palate, upper lip, whatever he's covering up. I don't know. Every man's got some secrets, but he said he sat there after getting his ass kicked by the fucking Lakers, the Celtics. He said we played like a bunch of damn sissies out there. We played like a bunch of sissies. He just kept saying it. We played like a bunch of sissies. What happened the next game?

What happens the next day? Oh, fucking Kurt Rambus comes down the damn court and he gets fucking clothes lined by Kevin McKayle and I believe Larry Bird. I can't remember. I don't have the highlight in front of me. I'm on vacation. I don't have time to do that shit and that turned the whole series around. All right? Now I was watching that game fucking 2 and the people commentating. They're all great. They're all great. Milbury. I like all those guys, but they kept saying I'll tell you Boston fans got to be mad. What the fuck's his name? Burroughs. I didn't know the guy's goddamn name. I never heard him. Didn't get suspended.

Because in the first game he bit Patrice Bergeron's finger. Okay, and they just kept going. I'll tell you Boston fans, I'll tell you they got to be upset right now. They really got to be upset. You know? They got to be upset that this guy didn't get suspended and you know what happens? I guarantee you on Boston Sports Radio, there's a bunch of Bruins fans going, you know, I'm upset because fuckface wasn't suspended. They literally tell you what to think. That fucking guy, he shouldn't have got suspended.

What he did was not suspendable. It was just sort of bizarre. It was something like a six-year-old or like a toddler would do. That's why that's why there was no huge response. After he did, you know, if you fucking slam someone face first into the board, you take a cheap shot, the whole team's pile on and you're trying to kick the shit out of you. You bite somebody, people just stand around like, dude, what the fuck? That's what Patrice Bergeron was doing. He was skating off the ice. He looks at a friend of his, the friend of his, a teammate and he goes, you fucking bit me.

I don't think it was suspendable. Maybe you would make the guy wear a dress for the first period of game two. Maybe that, all right, but that does not address the issues that the Bruins have right now. The fucking issue is that they're playing, they're playing soft. They're making Vancouver look like this tough physical team. Now, I totally respect Vancouver. They are a beast of a team with goal scorers, snipers. Okay, Luongo, I would give, you know, I'll give them eight out of 10 stars because that guy can't get rattled. All right, but they're not a physical team.

When I look down their bench, there's nobody there that looks intimidating. It's a bunch of red bearded douchebags like me. Every other guy in their team looks like me. I'm not intimidating. But the way the Bruins are playing, I don't get it. Chara is getting pushed all over the fucking ice. I'm getting sick of it. So, I'm hoping that that's what is going on right now. And in game three, we come out, we stop playing like a bunch of goddamn sissies and we hit these goal scorers.

That's all they are. They're a team of goal scorers. There's nobody tough on their team. Stop getting pushed around. Did you see what happened when you checked fucking what's his face there? God damn it, I'm so bad with the names. The fuck is his name? The guy from Livonia, Michigan. And he used to play angry and now he doesn't get angry anymore and now he's having a career year fucking... Oh, he's not one of the sendeeds. He's fucking... I can never remember names. I'm the worst.

That fucking guy, he got hit and all of a sudden he gets up slowly, skates off the ice. That's what you do. That's what you do to goal scorers. You slam them into the boards. Legally. That's what you do. You don't just stand there, give up the blue line. Oh wow, look at them. They're so good at passing. I'm getting sick of it, alright? We're making Vancouver look like they're the fucking flyers. They're not.

Alright? This is exactly what we did against Montreal. We made Carrie Price look like the second coming of fucking Patrick Waugh because we kept taking slap shots from the fucking red line with nobody in front, right at his goddamn pancreas. Another save by Carrie Price. I'll tell you what, bro, it's gotta be a fucking little shut up. And what do we do? We went down 0-2. Do we have it in us again?

I don't fucking know. I don't, but I would like if we would actually return a couple of checks every once in a while. They've actually been two great fucking games and I'd be way more excited about it if we weren't down 0-2, you know? All these fucking douchebag Canuck fans who haven't said shit to me all year. My Twitter's blowing up after they win games, by the way. No shit talk before the game, you know? Then they give me a bunch of shit, you know? Walking around with their chests puffed out because they won a 1-0-0 game.

It's fucking annoying. Then they're giving me shit because I'm not texting during the finals. I'm sorry, my team hasn't been there in 20 years. I don't want to come up with clever shit during the fucking game, alright? Okay, enough of that shit. So anyways, I'm on vacation. And, you know, a lot of people when they go on vacation. Nia, could you not put away the plates so loudly, please?

I don't know if you guys can hear that. That's very disturbing. I'm taking the podcast right now. Hey, how nice is it to be in like a house? Huh? It's very nice, thank you. You know what? Sometimes I call her over and she wants to talk. Other times she doesn't. I think she's annoyed with me. Even on vacation, I can only get like six hours sleep.

Because halfway through like the night, all of a sudden my brain's like, how come you didn't sign up for crab soccer in seventh grade? And then I gotta walk around and think about that shit. What's crab soccer? I don't know. Vacation in New England. Someone will explain it to you. Just reminded me of a fucked up story. We used to have this gym coach. This guy was the shit.

And, you know, he drank a little bit. And he gambled a little bit. And it was the 80s. So you didn't really hide it. He'd come in with his red nose. And I remember we would play, it was fucking awesome. We would play football. And we had gym class on Mondays. So there was always Monday night football.

So basically what he would do, whoever was playing Monday night football, let's say it was the Browns versus the Lions. He'd divide up to gym class and he'd go, you guys are the Browns and you guys are the Lions. And whoever wins, I'm gonna bet this on the game. And he'd flash this big water cash. And we thought he was filthy, stinking rich. So anyways, we're playing crab soccer.

And, uh, this kid scores a goal, right? And this guy used to like, the guy was the shit. He used to like announce the games as you were playing them. He'd be like, oh shit, look at Baraday Fence. He's all over the place. And it just gets you amped up. The guy was the greatest gym teacher slash human being ever. So anyways, this kid scores a goal.

All right, then he scores another goal. And he's like, he's flipping out, holy shit. And then he yells, if you score another goal, I'm gonna buy you an Atari. Which in our world is seventh graders cost like nine zillion dollars. So needless to say, the kid scores the fucking goal. And he starts flipping out because the gym coach is just hyping him up. Just kept screaming over and over again.

I'm gonna buy you an Atari. I'm gonna buy you an Atari. And we're all going nuts. He's gonna buy him an Atari. Next week. Hey dude, he buy you the Atari? Nah, not yet. Not yet, but he's gonna...

Week after that. He ever gets you to get that Atari? Nah, he hasn't got it to me. Yeah, he never got it for him. You know, typical gambler. He's all great. He's all great. He builds you all up and then right when you need him,

he fucking walks away from you. But the best goddamn gym coach I ever had. Was that even remotely interesting? Well, you know what? I don't give a shit because I'm on vacation. Honestly, I'm not even supposed to be doing this. I'm supposed to be on vacation. What did you guys do?

You called me back to the office. Now I'm shuffling around looking for those papers I forgot. My wife and kids are out in the car. I swear to God, he just can't leave his job for more than three days. Anyways, he probably wondered where I'm at. I'm actually at... I don't know, I travel all the fucking time. Okay?

I travel all the time and I'm always going to airports and you guys know how I feel about that and I always get on a plane and I'm always sitting next to some fatty. Right? And they always look at me, making me smaller every year. No, no, sir.

No. Well, maybe a little bit, but in general, you keep getting fatter. And I know it's a disease. Anyways, yeah, there's always some fatty spilling into my goddamn seat, okay? Or I get the aisle and then there's some fucking douche with a weak bladder and every time I start to nod off with my heavy head and it starts to fuck.

You know, I just start nodding off and as my heavy head's going forward I start having dreams about being slapped in the back of the neck. Oh, that's how I should have done that joke. And I didn't realize it's actually just the weight of my head. See, what I did, I front-end loaded that one with the punchline. You guys just learned a little something for all you people who send me emails about how to do stand-up comedy.

Here's rule number one. Don't put the punchline before the setup. Oh, Jesus. Anyways, so I decided I don't want to go to the goddamn airport, but I'd like to get away from my apartment. So after years of living out here and everybody telling me how great Big Bear Mountain or Big Bear Summit or Big Bear fucking Polo Grounds and Lake,

whatever the fuck you call this place, I decided to come up here, rent it a little fucking cabin slash house and I feel like I'm in New Hampshire right now. It's awesome. It's fucking cold out. The water is freezing. I went on a hike yesterday.

I felt like I was going to get hypothermia. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the vacation of a redhead. You know? And fellow redheads out there freckled face fuckers, gingers, whatever the hell you want to call us, stop trying to be like regular people.

You know, everybody wants to go someplace warm, right? They go down the Caribbean and then you show up just blistering in the goddamn sun. Why are you doing that to yourself? You know? And then people just sitting there going, you can't get any color at all. No, I mean, I'm like white, but you're just, wow.

Look at your legs. I'm sorry. Those are just, you're just standing there like a fucking freak. Don't do that to yourself. That's not the vacation of a redhead. A redhead goes from mild climate to severely cold climate. That's how I feel. My next vacation is going to be in the Yukon territories,

you know, and I'm going to get some snowshoes and get one of those Eskimo jackets, right? And I'm going to walk across the tundra, my little red nose. So anyways, we're up here at Big Bear fucking lake and I decided I wanted to go on this hike two days ago. And, you know, Nia's the exact opposite of me. She can sleep until the cows come home.

She's a relaxed, beautiful person. I am a psychopath who's totally wound up. So I'm up at like five in the morning and I want to go on a hike. She doesn't want to go. So I say, fuck it. I'm going, right? It was more like nine in the morning, right? Which is five in the morning when you're on vacation.

So I walk into the goddamn woods and this isn't like hiking in LA. This is the real deal. Like they have bears. They have mountain lions. And, and I'm by myself. And I wasn't really thinking as I go hiking in LA by myself all the fucking time. So I wasn't thinking about anything, but I got to tell you the second I got into the forest.

This isn't the woods. This is the forest. This overwhelming feeling of being watched just fucking came over me. You know, this is what it's like walking in a forest. Okay. At first you recognize the animals when you first get in. You're like, oh yeah, look at the pile of ants. Ah, that's a squirrel.

Hey, look at the little chipmunk. Right? Then you get about a quarter mile in and then that's the first time you see something move. You're like, dude, what the fuck was that? Is that a dog? A little dog with a fat tail. And then you get this feeling. You're like, wow.

That thing was running around like it's nervous. That means somebody, something else is bigger that eats that. And then there's something bigger than that that eats that. And you know the deal. And I started hearing Bill Curtis' voice in my head. You know, his girlfriend didn't get up, so he decided to go hiking alone. Around 7.30 that evening when Bill didn't return, Nia started getting worried.

And that's when they use horrific words like remains. You know, they find my torn jacket. One of my legs just laying on the fucking path. That's when I started. So I overrode my ego. And I said, fuck this. And I turned back around and I immediately was like, I'm going to get a knife. If I'm going to go in here by myself, I at least need a knife.

I'm going to get one of those big fucking Daniel Boone stab a grizzly bear right in the fucking throat, right? So I go to the fish and tackle place down there. Or whatever the hell it is, the sporting good place. And I said, yeah, listen, I'm going on a hike. I want a knife. Just getting freaked out that I'm going to get eaten by a mountain lion. And the guy's like, nah, you don't want a knife. You don't want a knife.

You got to get in close with a knife. And I was thinking about that. How hard a grizzly bear can, you know, that bionic bitch slap that they have, where your fucking head spins around and you break your neck. Just imagine me still being able to hold on to the knife. You know, the average NFL running back, if you get stuck by Ray Lewis fumbles the football, I'm going to be able to hang onto this knife, taking a fucking bitch slap from a grizzly bear. It's going to fall on the ground and then it's going to rip my face off.

And then I'm going to be on Oprah talking about how I feel blessed that it ripped my face off. Because now I know what's important in life, right? Isn't that what they always do after somebody gets their face ripped off? Or they get burnt to a crisp and then they just sit there. You know, I realize what's important in life is actually the best thing that ever happened to me. I took everything for granted. It's just like, ugh. It's amazing that that's how they feel because I would not feel that way.

I would fucking be like, nah, I would be lying to everybody in the hospital that I felt great and I felt blessed. And I would then climb onto the top of the hospital and I would just roll off. You hear what I'm saying people? I would not do well with that challenge. You know, all the religious people say that, that the Lord only challenges those that he feels are strong enough. I'll tell you right now, that's why I still have a face because he knows I'm a big fag. Anyway, so the guy goes, listen, you don't want a knife. What you want is some pepper spray.

I go pepper spray. He goes, nah, he goes, this is like bear pepper spray. And I'm looking, I got the package right here. It says grizzly tough pepper spray and there's a picture of a bear counter assault bear deterrent. See, so they're already given in with this product that you're going to get assaulted. It's not assault preventer. It's counter assault because basically the goddamn bear is going to be coming at you so fast. You know, and those things can't stop on a dime.

They're like a giant SUV. They're going to hit him with that fucking pepper spray and it's going to do a barrel roll right over you. And if you're lucky, it's going to keep fucking going. So anyways, he says this shit is actually strong enough to blind a fucking human being. But evidently not a bear, which doesn't make sense to me. Because like I said, as much as I can understand that a bear can bitch slap me down off a fucking mountain. You know, an eyeball is an eyeball, right? You poke a bear in the eye, he's going to do that little fucking, you know, that little dance.

You know, the, I got poked in the eye dance. Even a bear is going to do that. So anyway, so I got this shit. It cost me 50 bucks, right? So I got this shit and then I went on a hike yesterday with Nia. Up to, what was it? Bertha Summit? Bertha Peak?

Nia. Yeah, Bertha Peak. Which was like a two and a half hour goddamn hike. At least for us. I know some douche from Big Bear is going to ride in. Dude, actually I can do it in 45 minutes. Can ya? Well go ahead there fucking tanto.

Have a good time. So I buy this shit, right? And what do I do? I forget it. Like an asshole. So then I just, you know, I said, ah fuck it. There's two of us, you know. Nia's a lot more curvier than I am.

She'll probably look like a better cut of meat. I'll be fine. What? Come here, Nia. Come over here. Let's talk about the hike real quick and then I'll dismiss you. Coming into the studio. Dude, I'll tell you.

This is how much of a fucking redhead I am. Is that not only do I want to come up here to this freezing cold lake. We actually have a jacuzzi here. And Nia convinced me to get into this shit two nights ago. And even that was too hot for me. It wasn't even that hot.

I can't handle it. I can't fucking breathe. I hate that. I hate having a hot shower. I hate all that. I hate the sun. In general, I like being up here where it's fucking cold. I like how you just said that. I'm acting like you were challenging me.

It's okay to cold things. You know what I don't like about this place? I don't like how every cabin you ever rent. Whenever you go into the bathroom, there's no heat whatsoever. Now that I've bitched about how I hate the heat. But I don't like that. You go in there to relieve yourself. Your shirt is blowing in the breeze.

And every one of these fucking cabins. It's always like a story. Dude, my grandfather built it back in the 20s. This isn't even a cabin. What is it? This is a full-on house. No, it isn't. It's got wood on the ceilings.

It's got a moose head above us. This is a cabin. It's got a sled hanging from the ceiling. It's got fireplaces. Within sight of each other. This is a cabin. But it's a house. It's on ground.

There's a backyard. Look, I'm not saying there's dirt floors in the remains of Abe Lincoln in the corner. All right? But if we went to look at this goddamn thing, would you call this thing a house? If you were looking for a house, would you be like, it seems all like a cabin?

I see what you're saying. Trying to get a woman to agree with you. You want to hear something that this guy wrote in? This guy wrote in all the way from Afghanistan. Let me see if I can find this here. It's overrated, underrated.

This is a classic here. All right, overrated. All right, brother, I got one for you. Overrated. Trying to have a logical argument with a woman you're dating. Now, just wait. Do I need to be here for this? Do I need to balance it out

so this doesn't come off as totally misogynistic? All right? What? You don't have to be here? No, go ahead. All right, just come on, Nia. Be fun. Have fun. All right, overrated. Trying to have a logical argument with a woman you're dating.

It never ceases to amaze me. Every time I overhear some retard complaining about some chick that won't listen, won't listen to them and argues with them all the time. This guy over 48 hours knows that they don't stay on topic and they don't think logically.

They aren't trying to fix shit. It's an emotional thing with them. So why anyone thinks they can talk to a chick in that mindset is beyond me. The way I see it, most guys go one of two routes when presented with an angry bitch. This guy seems enlightened, right? Yeah, exactly. Why should I listen

to anything this fucking asshole has to say? Don't let him make you mad. He's throwing you off your game. They choose the path of least resistance saying, yeah, over and over again and nodding and gazing into oblivion. A lot of guys do that. Those are the henpeck guys.

Because they know whatever they say won't make a difference. Or they pander to their petty weak emotions and sensitivities by talking slowly at a dull whisper trying to calm and appease them. Both methods have their benefits. However, I'd like to offer a third avenue

if I may. I've been faithfully married seven years now and it works so far. Not that I'm an expert, but here you go. Here's his third one, alright? First, like any competitive dude you beat them at their own game. When they come at you saying something like

why is this thawk on the ground and I told you to put it blah blah blah and that bitchy whiny I want to fight voice wagging their finger and cocking their heads sideways. This guy in a reality show? That's the wife reacts. Anyways, you just reply

in your loudest tone whatever the fuck the last thing that pissed you off was and as you say it you keep eye contact and walk straight up to them. So basically if you said why are these socks on the ground

I'm supposed to in my loudest voice go and not break eye contact walk right up to you and be like why didn't you do the dishes last night? What is that supposed to do? Wait, he's not done yet. This is the beginning. This is the first quarter, okay? Let the game plan unfold here.

Alright, where the hell am I? I lost my place. Usually this will startle them. As they come back, no come on here you gotta listen. As they come back This is like they tell you what to do when approaching a bear or something like that. Okay?

Make a lot of noise. Just let me finish. Let me finish, Nia. I'm here. As they come back with what as they come back with what does that have to do with whatever we're arguing about

you just pull down your pants and start jacking your dick while they stand there with that dumb confused look on their face. Nia come on you gotta be back here for the reactions. Alright? Obviously a joke. Maybe this is forward thinking.

Let me finish here. This is a new strategy. And while they try to regain whatever thought they had in that scanner brain skill you just keep going to town not saying a word. If they talk to you till completion you just say thank you.

That's about what that argument was worth and you walk away. As you leave, pick up the sock or whatever and toss it in the hamper. There you go. Well, at least he still puts it away. Yeah, so everybody's happy. No, he's joking. This is obviously

somebody who's panning to your over the top completely ridiculous misogynistic statements you say on a weekly basis on this fucking podcast. And he's trying to impress you by coming up with I've seen this time. Why don't you do the dishes?

Wait a minute. This is just some copycat fan. I'm supposed to take this seriously like this is a real thing. I'm not giving this another bunch of thought. Anyways. So he said, Bill, your way with dealing with women is pretty good

but it's passive aggressive. I don't even know what he's talking about. And I know how you feel about that shit about being passive aggressive. Even if you're doing it to maintain the high road for your future breakup why does it matter if the relationship is over?

I don't know what he thinks my strategy is. I'm gonna take it and go out in a blaze of glory. Granted, I know about losing your cool and shit like that but in the end it just builds up and leads to a bigger blow up. You end up staring at the ceiling or yelling as you drive in the car thinking, damn, I should have come back with this or that.

No, fuck that. No matter how witty or snappy your comeback is it wouldn't have made any difference because that bitch isn't gonna listen. You wouldn't know this guy's happily married. You don't sound happily married. You're letting this guy get to you. He's totally winning right now. You're getting mad.

He said to pull out his dick and jack it till completion. That's what I'm saying. This is bullshit. Obviously. So why am I listening to this? He's just trying to be funny. And you know what you're doing? You're being a fun sponge. You're just sucking all the fucking...

That totally isn't real. You're taking it seriously. Like that lady on NPR. A lady who I talked to the other day to height this gig and I was talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and she just goes, I don't think that situation is funny at all. Oh, God. So of course that doesn't...

Really? She doesn't think it's funny at all? Well, it doesn't divert me. So I just plow into my fucking material and there's just dead silence and the other two comics are laughing. So she goes, I don't find that funny at all. I go, well, you know, I always... All my jokes I usually end up losing half the crowd.

So am I being... Wait a minute. She goes, I always end up losing half the crowd. And this is the NPR egg-hag response. She goes, actually, I'm a third of the crowd. Oh, Jesus. But I was hyping a benefit. Yeah, so I didn't say anything. I wanted to be like, oh, Touche!

She did the math! She ended the interview. When we ended the interview, she goes, okay, and that's... I'm so and so and this has been How to Build a Birdhouse with the special comedy edition, whatever the stupid NPR story was. Then she ends. She goes, okay, guys, thanks a lot.

She goes, yeah, that wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. She actually said that to us. Clueless. Yeah, totally clueless. So you're saying I'm being the NPR lady right now? Yeah, because you're actually thinking that this guy is gonna, like, is happily married for seven years and he goes up and he screams in his wife's face. Wow.

Like she's a grizzly bear and then takes his dick out and jacks it occasionally to completion. See? You know what it is? Is what it really is, is that I annoy the shit out of you. That's true. And my views about women are so fucking annoying to you that the second this guy started talking,

you weren't yelling at him, you were yelling at me. I'll fucking yell at you, too. So get it off your chest. I'll tell you what's on my chest right now. I'm so tired. You woke me up and still tired. You fucking rented out a cabin by the lake.

It's a house. It's a house. I'll go with that. Really? With these shag rubs? Did you tell them how amazing our meal was last night? No, no, no, no. There's a hot topic here. I want to know. What is your goddamn problem with me?

Nothing. I just wanted to sleep longer. You come in there and you're like, ooh, what's going on? I'm shaking your fucking nose in my ear. I want to sleep. Well, because it's the Monday morning podcast, I have to do it Monday morning.

Or else the title doesn't make any sense. My Monday morning listeners, by the way, not yours, you selfish cunts. I was saying, I know you wanted to be on the podcast. So I was saying, it's going to get a little loud out there. Yeah. All right, fine.

Yeah. One of these days, the day you realize that you don't have a leg to stand on in this relationship, we're going to get along so much better. That doesn't make any sense. How great was the Cowboy Steakhouse down the street? Oh, delicious. Yeah, the fucking ribs.

I'm going to hype it. I don't have any advertising this week, but I'm going to fucking hype this place. It's called the Cowboy Steakhouse. The Cowboy Steakhouse on, I forget the street. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's in Big Bear Lake.

Yeah, Big Bear Lake. You can't miss it. It's one of three restaurants up here. So we come walking in, right? Immediately, you know, they got like the country music, just a good old boy, never meaning no harm, so Nia obviously gets nervous.

Right? Places like that, yeah. I get a little concerned that, you know, it's going to be like, and everyone's going to stop and look at me. Tarnation she doing in here. Yeah, even though we're in California. Yeah, but no, but no, but that's the thing though,

is the second you get outside the cities is it gets very, it can get very making Georgia quickly. And sometimes it doesn't, like up here it doesn't. They're all cool. Thank you. Yeah, everybody's very cool up here. But we went in there and you were like, you were asking me if you thought, you know,

second I smelled that food, I was like, this is going to be good. That was delicious. Yeah. I saw that big fat guy eating the ribs. How fat was that guy? He was pretty fat. He had a whole thing to himself. We split it. He had it to himself. He's one of those guys who's so fat

he wears shorts all year round. His pants are too constricting. Dude, I don't get cold. Why would you, you fucking walrus? Look at you. Your biggest prop, Mike, that's, he's the only guy up here to get attacked by a polar bear. Thank you. All right.

So anyways, so this guy actually asked me what my strategy is with women. Well, I'm going to tell you this. I actually, I'm doing a giant chunk of material on this. I disagree with you. Women argue, stay on topic if they're right.

All right. If they're wrong, that's when they do all the diversionary tactics and they try to make it about something else and if you're not going for it if you don't fall for their diversionary tactics then their last ditch effort is to try to make you mad like what you did to me yesterday

when you kept saying I was acting like a baby because you knew I was right. You're acting like a baby. I said it once. You're acting like a baby. I said it once. You said it more than once. No, I did not. No, then you came in the bedroom and you said why are you acting like a baby? You're throwing a temper tantrum. I didn't slam the door. I didn't.

I walked away calm and cool. Then why did I hear the door close? Because it's a fucking solid object. Because it's a door. Doors make noise when you open and close. I didn't slam it. Wow, what happened to slamming the door? You did slam the door.

I didn't slam the door. Whatever. That wouldn't work in a debating class. We're not in a debating class. We're on my podcast. We're on my podcast. All right. You know what?

You don't have to be here. I don't need to take that on my vacation. How fucked up was that hike we went on yesterday? Oh my God. That hike was ridiculous. You were great for the first 90%. That last 10%.

I don't want to go. You started doing that toddler thing where you were making your arms go limp back. I was frustrated, I admit. It was a long, tiring, difficult hike. Beautiful. You know what I realized there?

If we're in a point of crash and we survived, I'm going to have to be the guy that makes something happen. What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about that last 10% of the hike when you tapped out. Yeah, but I kept going. I just stopped quiet.

Why? Because I kept urging you on. You were a team leader. I didn't expect to go on some ridiculous hike. I told you we should do a little moderate, easy thing. My feet were killing me by the end of it. You watched all middle

age white guys wear the gray new balance with the inserts. We got to get you one of those what are those things that people put on their foot and they look like a foot and it's supposed to be really good for your feet. These are feet

sock things. I was going to say a primate. You look like a fucking ape. All you need is your big toe to be bad. Some of you with hammer toes get one of those. Reverse hammer toes with the big toe sticking out. They're going to look like a

goddamn chimp. Let me plow ahead with the podcast because your eggs are done. I just heard them. Not eggs, I'm making bacon. Right? I know, I'm arguing for arguments. Yeah, you're arguing for arguments.

Alright, I'll see you. I'll see you on the other side of the cabin. See that people? That's how you handle them. Right there. Right as they're walking away you talk shit about them. So getting back to that guy my strategy yet is you don't lose your cool. You stay on target.

Right? Like that dude in Star Wars. You stay on target and when they're getting over the top mean shit you don't respond to it because that's just them you ever see a goat get choked to death by a python? Anybody else watch

those fucked up YouTube videos? You know? They're stunned at first they fight and then there's that middle part like dude what the fuck what is this? And then the very end when they only have a little bit of air left they fucking kick in their legs like a maniac before they die. That's the female

version. That's the goat version getting killed by a python Jesus Christ of women when they start saying that mean shit that's that last little kick of the legs before it's over so I don't respond to that shit anymore actually I do a little bit

but I've got myself to the point where I know that it's happening and that's what I did yesterday. She started doing that shit and I just took my plate of food and I walked in the other room and uh I'm telling you but the big thing is is if you're wrong you have to admit it

because that gives you credibility in the future. So there you go sir and that was an absolutely fucking hilarious email and it made it even funnier with Nia sitting here taking it seriously. That's ridiculous. He wouldn't do that I'm calling bullshit

he didn't jerk off till he came like his wife. I gotta tell you though that would be fucking hilarious to do that I mean I could stand there and rub my dick but it would just be so funny to me I don't think I could get a heart on. I gotta be honest with you

oh that's disgusting alright evidently I've been going off on the French lately so some uh American born person who uh went over to France which I don't know if I'm buying I think they just want to hear my opinions on what French people are really like

and I'm from America so you can trust me like that shit I always talk about on the uh whenever there's some sort of political debate Obama is a moron and I'm a Democrat alright here we go hello Mr. Burr I enjoy your podcast very much

and I'm also a fan of your stand up however I don't mind you poking fun at the French people too much I don't give a fuck whether you mind or not you condescending cunt even though I am French I just wanted to inform you about the stereotypes

that's funny how come you don't inform me about other stereotypes that I do on this podcast oh because it came around to you now you give a shit okay mainly the stereotypes about uh the French or assholes who hate America um okay

okay this person's gonna debunk all these okay or give me more information alright number one Europeans generally hate Americans because now is born and raised here so I can say this ma'am or mister whoever wrote this shit

you could say it anyways alright stop trying to get some sort of credibility by saying you're from here I don't give a fuck where you're from all I know is you live in France so you got information and just just give it to me alright

Europeans generally hate Americans because Americans go to different countries and behave rudely they expect things to be like in the US such as portion size and the ability for everyone to speak English whenever I go to France

and see American tourists I get so embarrassed because they are obnoxious and expect everyone to suck their superior American cock alright let's stop right there first of all when Europeans come to America

you guys act like assholes too yeah and Nia just goes and you don't tip you don't give a fuck about our customs with tipping you don't fucking tip and then all you do is you come to America and you trash it and I gotta be honest with you

when I go to other countries I'm not a rude prick and I would never go to another country and then tell people who live there why their country sucks that's what Europeans do and you kind of beat me to the punch here where you say because they expect everyone

to suck their superior American cock I was going to say wow you sound a little insecure and she says or he says Europeans also have inferiority issues another reason they don't like Americans I don't know how many times I've been told by Swedes the English, Germans and so on

that America sucks and is making the world a worse place this makes me extremely patriotic and want to defend the US but I digress from the French and I gotta agree with you on that one that makes me want to defend it and it's really funny if the English

or the Germans ever talk about a country making the world a worse place because you guys pass the baton to us we're standing on the shoulders of your work of evil Swedes I don't know anything about yet you weren't in any of my American history classes

the only first sweet I saw was on the Muppet Show remember that the French the French the French but I address from the French the French are not assholes

Parisians are assholes oh Jesus Christ dude I wasn't born yesterday really you have all your assholes quarantine just in Paris there's not one asshole up near the beaches of Normandy huh

or down in Nice are you telling me I go to Cannes Film Festival there's not going to be some local asshole there there's going to be a cunt the French Riviera come on evidently all the asshole French people are just in Paris

so many Americans go to France and only stay in Paris and then assume that all of France is like Paris this is so ignorant it infuriates me well you know the jewel of your country those are the smartest people you got

and when they're rude cunts they are your ambassadors who goes to fucking Paris to go to see a farm to go see a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere let me ask you this sir or ma'am if you lived in France and you came to America

where would you go would you go to Nebraska God knows you wouldn't find any intelligence out there fuck you buddy you tried growing some corn that is like going to New York City and assuming that all Americans are like New Yorkers

Paris is like New York full of unfriendly people who want you to get out of their way big cities are like that small towns are populated by nicer people a trait common in all countries well I'll definitely say they're much polite or I will agree with that

in smaller towns but they also tend to be a little more fearful and a lot more easier to sway into putting saran wrap around their outhouse because they believe that they're going to be the next victims of a terrorist attack like logically

that works in their mind that the terrorist attack is going to be World Trade Center one, two, the Pentagon and then your outhouse in the middle of fucking nowhere like that's the next logical military strategic target Jesus Christ

that's even funny anymore sometimes I just lose myself in the sentences French women shave the only women in France who don't shave are the elderly Middle Eastern immigrants last time I went to France I told my aunts that Americans don't think they shave

and they were very upset by this when I went to camp all the girls shaved at the beach they were all shaved in fact the French say Scandinavians don't shave see stereotypes how people in different lands exist everywhere wow

I think I learned something why the need to put down the women of foreign countries because it's funny because that's what guys do we break balls and we say your women are ugly they're hairy their vagina is a horizontal and they're not good lays

and we got bigger dicks and we can fuck them better it's basic shit talk page one, chapter one and I don't know I find all of this to be very condescending you know

as you're sitting there saying stereotypes exist everywhere and I love how the French are getting offended by what we think of them while they think we're all illiterate fat fucks going to a Carl's Jr I mean it goes both ways and I'll tell you why we think that French women don't shave

is because there was a pop song over here a long time ago a long time ago called 99 red balloons 99 red balloons blah blah blah blah blah blah

bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam yeah that shit right and in the end of the video she puts her arms up and had a hairy fucking armpit and that was it and she was from Germany but it didn't matter

to us all no European women shaved that was it it was over and plus when you look at your continent and realize that it's basically for the most part the meat of it alright the countries that we give a shit about is actually smaller

than our entire country like your countries are the size of states over there so we figure if they're not shaving in Germany why would they shave in fucking France I mean if people in Massachusetts are drunk morons

do you think that in Rhode Island they're reading I don't know does that make any sense I just feel like I'm coming off dumber and dumber with each fucking podcast and you know what there's something freeing about it number four older French men smell not all the French back in the day and I mean way back

people didn't wear deodorant my grandmother does and all the other women you know what I'm realizing I think a lot of the French stereotypes came around World War I and World War II you guys haven't needed us to come over there and fight a fucking battle

I'm joking I understand that World War II was our payback for you guys helping us out in the Revolutionary War I understand that right was it the Revolutionary War or the French and Indian War I can't fucking remember I have no idea I don't even remember anymore they just all I hated that part of history

any sort of powdered wigs anything pre cowboys and Indians I just could give a fuck about and even then that was very sketchy I liked reading about the younger brothers Jesse and Frank James Cole Younger I liked reading about that shit

and I liked reading about adventures at sea pirate ships and that type of stuff you know but anything with powdered wigs those American presidents with the big bushy beards and no mustaches it absolutely put me to sleep so I can't remember

so there's a stereotype for you not only do we not know about other countries we don't even know about our own number five French girls are slutty well I'll give you that one but the French on a whole aren't as puritanical as Americans yeah we're just all into getting STDs

and see sex as a private means of pleasure that one shouldn't be too ashamed of I think it's healthier than keep your legs closed because sex is evil you whore view I definitely think we take it too far in this country

but last I saw the first AIDS patient caught it in France I pulled that one out of my ass no pun intended Nia's looking at me that that's not true the first guy who got it was over in France was a flight attendant patient number one

ground zero isn't that right Nia oh Jesus someday when I run for office I think that's the one that's going to come back to haunt me anyways you know I was just fucking with you they have Frenchy or former American person whatever

yeah I don't give a shit one of my dreams is to go to Paris and I think that's going to be happening later on this year why you ask well I'll tell you why if you go to billbar.com you'll notice that all of a sudden Mr. Fancy Pants here has a

date throughout Scandinavia and in October go to billbar.com go to the left in the left hand corner you'll see all my dates and scroll down to October I am doing

Helsinki, Oslo, Copenhagen and Stockholm, Sweden so I always get confused Oslo is Finland Helsinki is Norway Stockholm, Sweden I've been there Copenhagen, Denmark

how fucking awesome is that so I'm tossing a one night in London before that and at the end of that I think I'm going to go to Paris why the fuck not right? that is if the American dollar doesn't collapse

in August we're all in worker camps speaking of that shit have you guys seen this stuff about the all the suicides at the apple plant you know that really cunty commercial where they go you know if you don't have

an iPhone then you don't have the iPhone you know and I wanted to get an iPhone until I saw those goddamn commercials and they kept like just it's the most bizarre advertising it makes me angry at the iPhone I never had any anger

towards the iPhone of the people who had one I never gave a shit I was like that phones the shit I heard it drops calls I'll wait till it's on Verizon and then right when it gets on Verizon and I'm already the jump on board they come up with this nanananana fucking cunty shit

going you know if you had an iPhone right now you could be looking at the inside of your fucking throat and diagnosing your fucking throat cancer before it even happens you know but if you don't have the iPhone you don't have the iPhone it's like well fuck you I'm sticking with the droid

so anyways now I read they just had the 10th suicide at the apple plant now who's kidding who we all know that everything that we're wearing everything that we're using is made by some 4 year old making 6 cents an hour somewhere

well evidently these people have had enough they've had 10 suicides at the apple plant here we go on the same day that Apple Dell record promised to look into working conditions at China's Foxconn plant

a 10th worker committed suicide the death of a 19 year old male worker ah it's too bad he was like one year away from getting his fucking severance pay or his ah shit I fucked it up what the hell do you get it when you do 20 years on the force oh god I'm sorry everybody

I'm on my fucking vacation mode what the hell I get my pension when you work 20 years on the force he's only 19 you get it because he's been working since he was 2 oh jesus the death of a 19 year old male worker also came just after the company's

billionaire founder took the media on tour of the sprawling complex in response to accusations from labor groups that workers toiled in sweatshop like conditions oh hilarious so then the billionaire shows up they clean the place up stick in a

water bubbler and goes see it's great and I know what a lot of you fucking heartless cunts are gonna say you're gonna say well sweatshop labor is necessary do you want to pay $8,000 for a laptop well here's my rebuttal you know what if the cunt at the top

didn't have to make a billion dollars a year you know kind of like when they were talking to the oil companies they go you're projected to make 350 billion how about you just make 340 billion do you have to make that much money that's the thing the people at the top

are taking way too much fucking money there's no fucking way that the only reasonable way to make a laptop is to give people such shitty wages that suicide is a better fucking option

and you do it at the fucking plant to make some sort of political statement there's just no fucking way how about the people at the top you mean once you got a hundred million dollars do you ever need to get another paycheck

I don't understand that I don't understand that and I'm not saying that the people at the top shouldn't be filthy stinking rich because they came up with it but you shouldn't be paying people there shouldn't be sweatshops everybody that's all I'm saying

and what sucks is that we actually came up with unions in this country because of sweatshop like conditions but what ended up happening was the people in the unions took advantage of it and with their strength

they became a bunch of slothy douchebags to the point that there's a lot of people who actually have negative views about unions that's how bad it is in this country and they're actually excited that they're gonna do away with unions but want to do away with fucking unions rather than reform them

but to do away with them is we're gonna end up like these poor bastards in fucking China you know, sewing shit together and going you know what I think I'd rather jump out a fucking window than make another goddamn iPhone so anyways it says the company has bought psychiatrists

and Buddhist monks to the factory to the factory complex to support workers and now plans now plays soothing music along production lines why don't you just fucking pay them it plans to install 10 foot tall fences to stop workers jumping from buildings

and may give workers a 20% pay raise this is how tight these fucking rich cunts are let's play soothing music and put a fence up we'll try that first rather than just giving them more money why is it 20% pay raise

when you make it 8 cents an hour and anyways, Foxconn representatives maintain that the increase would not be in response to the suicides but is being considered because business has been good, give me a fucking break did you hear that Nia? the 10th suicide at one of those apple plants

the sweatshops, they're killing themselves over there so they decided to put up a 10 foot wall so they can't jump and they're playing soothing music and they're considering giving them a 20% pay raise there you go yeah exactly, alright let's move on here

a lot of interesting, great emails by the way this week people sent me some really interesting stuff here and shit that I can actually help people out on here if I could just get to the goddamn thing people put your feet up here's a little fucking commercial here

um goddamn you you fucking whore where the hell is it alright, you know some days I just really fucking hate myself and this is one of these fucking moments this guy sent me this great email asking if maybe it was under advice

here it is here it is this was a professional podcast I would have fucking edited this part out alright, advice Bill

this is gonna sound a little gay but I'm gay so fuck you one of the great sentences ever written on this podcast alright, I'm a 28 year old guy whose hair is thinning oh jeez I always told myself

that I wouldn't be one of those guys who was obsessed over this and I just shave it off when it comes to it in recent years I've gotten lots of compliments on my hair and I don't really ever hear any compliments about anything else regarding my appearance

or my amazing personality I kinda hate to be just another dude with a shaved head walking around getting fatter I'm considering taking medication for hair growth but the side effects include everything from impotence

to making the early stages of to masking the early stages of prostate cancer should it develop what would you do? do you risk impotence and potential cancer in order to keep the only thing about yourself that receives compliments from others I've noticed you shaved your head in the past

but well I don't wanna look like that nah, I'm just fucking with you hey maybe I should just work out and get ripped then it wouldn't matter right? well the thing about going to the gym is fuck that thoughts

alright, well coming from another balding fucking male I said the exact same things you said when I used to watch those commercials and then watching these people dumping shit on their heads I'd be like dude just shave your fucking head people make funnier for a week and then they used to it and then they eventually

see pictures with you with hair and they go dude you look weird with hair, I like you better without it and then I started losing my hair and I freaked the fuck out, I couldn't fucking believe it you know, I was like that guy in the 48 hours, Gans when he finally gets shot

I got shot I can't believe I got hit remember that? I was that guy um so I went out and I got the Rogaine in that shit I dumped that shit on my head and I felt my heart rate increase

it has different effects on other people, I know another guy took it, he said dude I was taking a piss and chunks of something was in my urine so um I don't know, I couldn't do it I think I did it for a couple of months

and at one point I just saw myself in the mirror dumping that shit on my head, I was like what the fuck am I doing fuck this you know, I can't do this shit so I said fuck it and I stopped using it and uh and then I just shaved my head and I said fuck it and uh

and I gotta admit having a shaved head is fucking awesome but what ended up happening was I booked that movie date night they go we want you to grow your hair out a little bit so I grew it out um and then I started to book another shit by the way, what I booked

I've been joking around, I gotta set the record straight here cause people are really starting to believe that I'm on glee yeah I gotta tell them because they're like people are like twittering that I'm on glee and they're gonna miss the show I'm not on glee, I actually I booked

two episodes of my favorite show on fucking tv uh Breaking Bad and uh the only reason why I said that was because they're super top secret about their scripts they don't want anybody to know anything and I wasn't even sure if it was okay to say

you even booked a role on it I didn't know if they were that top secret about it so I just started joking around saying I was on glee and um then I did the show a couple times and they were like nah it's fine but I was so far down the road with that lie so I just kept saying so I am not on glee

and shame on you people actually believe that I was flying to New Mexico to do an episode of glee and that we were doing the Pee Wee Herman Mexican Hat Dance really? really, you really fell for that one um but anyways, yeah so uh

so I grew my hair back out and um but I'm still not using anything and I'm starting to get the fryer tuck thing in the back of my head and um but you know once you shave your head you don't give a shit about going bald you just kind of keep it short and uh I I

if I was you fucking gay dude you gotta do it shave your head because you're trying to attract other guys and guys were superficial assholes and we were 100% about looks I think if you shave your head that says a lot about you

you got confidence you're trying to hide anything and you deal with uh you deal with with the shit in your life you don't try to hide it and stick some magic goop on top of your head not to mention I think they're gonna cure it one day you know

when when we I'm in my 80s and you're in like your 70s or some shit they're gonna cure it we'll just pop a pill you know and have a full head of jet black fucking hair you know and we won't have the fucking cancer right so that's what I would say

shave your head right and go to the gym and get shredded alright as far as your attitude towards the gym um if you don't want to go to the gym and you're just gonna become a fat fuck uh it's not gonna matter I don't even think you're gonna live long enough to even go bald alright

so go to the shave your head go to the fucking gym I'm telling you having a shaved head is the shit and uh I really want to fucking do it again and I will in the future at some point I'm just gonna be I'm gonna have to nature's gradually

doing it for me so dude you should try it you never had a shaved head it's fucking awesome it's awesome you just wake up you're ready to go you're fucking ready to go and uh who gives a fuck right think about it don't you think if you were

gonna be Brad Pitt it would have happened by now what are you really worried about are you worried that you're ranking on the world people magazines 50 most beautiful people is now in jeopardy that you're not gonna make it have you ever made it before

you know actually I shouldn't make these jokes with you because you kind of seem like you have low self-esteem alright you know what your problem is dude I think that you're a little shy and you're sitting around eating cupcakes and uh feathering your fucking hair alright you need to start eating more protein and some vegetables

go to the fucking gym and shave your head bam gavel hit the fucking next case next case that's it it's over alright moving on I asked people last week about uh coaching talking about crazy uh stories with coaches and that type

of thing and uh I had a crazy coach and I can't even fucking tell you the shit this guy did just because uh people I know from my childhood listen to this thing so I really have to fucking watch it sometimes so um alright here's one I don't know

what I did with the email I'm gonna paraphrase I just remembered this guy said he was playing on a baseball team he was like in the fifth grade I think and um he was the kid who played right field he wasn't good or whatever so they're playing the game

that's before the game that's before the game for the championship so I guess they're in the fucking semis and there's a guy on second and they're down by a run getting down to the final inning and he's coming up to bat and he sucks so he's already nervous and he said his coach

went up grabbed him by the arm and looked him in the face and said hey if you don't get a hit I'm gonna punch you right in the face and he said at first he laughed because he thought the coach was joking trying to break the tension and then he realized that the dude was serious

and he just sort of walked up to the plate and he was standing up there shitting his pants and he looked back at his coach and his coach is staring right at him like I'm gonna punch you in the fucking face if you don't get a fucking hit so this kid throws the bat out there and he somehow slaps a fucking

Derek Jeter's opposite field single drives in the run said at the end of the inning he went back to the bench he said the coach never said anything to him never addressed it again and he says he's hated that son of a bitch from to this day

so he said his question was what is this guy is he is he a good motivator is he a horrific human being I mean this is the thing it's because you got a hit I think that's a weird one

that guy is both right and wrong he's wrong for taking the game so seriously and injecting that sort of reality into your childhood which I think kids should get a dose of reality in their childhood

but I think it should come from the parents or at least the parents should be supporting another adult like say you fuck up in school when your parents go there old school parents would go to school and whatever the teacher said you were doing the parent would then look at the kid and be like yeah

why the fuck are you doing that but something like this I don't know he did motivate you he did let you know what the real world is like he basically gave you in a nutshell yeah in life you know when

society needs you to produce if you don't produce it kicks you in the balls and you don't get the position you don't get a fucking raise or whatever the fuck it is I'm trying to say I can't talk this fucking week you know what I'm saying here's another story from coaching

Bill loved the podcast I'm a coach I coach a team ages 9 to 10 and I'm the assistant for a AU travel team is that 9th to 10th grade they're traveling there's gotta be that the travel team's coach and my son are on my 9

10 team that's gotta be 9 to 10 years old and they travel are they Vietnamese I don't know they let American kids do that both are very good players and are two of the four best players on my team I have

three slots for the all-star team oh Jesus oh god so you're the coach you got two kids on your team and they're two out of the four best players on my team I have three slots for the all-star team alright

so two slots are taken and now it's down to my son and the travels coach's son well why did you give away those first two slots with I guess if those kids were better than your son and your buddy's kid

um okay so his son is hitting 600 plays third third base shortstop and second and has pitched five good innings in six games he has only

fielded about six balls but that's not his fault my son is hitting 612 hey you know what podcast listeners I want you guys to vote for this like this is the MLB alright so the first guys kids hitting 600 he's played third short and second

he's pitched five good innings in six games and he's fielded only about six balls but that's not his fault because he can't control who hits it to him his son is hitting 612 has caught every has caught every inning except the three innings he's pitched he's thrown out

eight people in six games and in four of the five games we won the other teams catcher sucked and we just stole our way around the bases even without past balls um we have not we have not had

a player thrown out stealing well this has to do with the rest of your team the game we lost their pitcher shut us down in short in the six games he has hands down the best catcher I've seen the travel coach's son has a little higher level fielding but I feel my son

had a bigger impact on our team uh batting is a push oh because he's 600 he's 612 who do I pick for the all star team ah fuck alright dude if you weren't related to your kid you gotta you gotta uh

you gotta pick your kid he's um he's batting 12 points higher and he's gunning down the other teams runners you know so after the pitcher fucks up he's correcting the pitchers fuck up while not fucking up himself and hitting 612

but it's your son ah Jesus well I mean you can give it to your son I think he's worthy of it but you know you're gonna jeopardize your friendship with the other person if you're fine with that I give it to your kid uh but you know if you want to

teach your kid a little bit of something about being humble and about handling a position of power properly I'd give it to the friend I think that that's what I do but I would sit down and I would I would have a talk with your son and try to explain that

the position of power that you're in and how it would look ah Jesus Christ this sounds like a McDonald's commercial doesn't it back in the day where you sing some sad song and the kid wouldn't get it at first and then you buy him some french fries and a fucking vanilla shake

you know it's times like these I'm glad I'm not a parent dude wow that's a that's a uh that's a tough one that is a tough one alright well I got time for one last one here uh hey Bill I'm a 27 year old graphic web designer and I've been

unemployed for a few months now the job I had a few months back was a 24 I worked there but turned out to be a really shady place that had a really bad history having um high turnover with their employees in any case I've been living back with my parents now

for two years because I lost the job back then and had just enough money saved up to live out the 13 month lease that I had signed on my previous apartment ever since I've been struggling to find work like I'm sure a lot of people are however almost all of my friends have jobs

and I've been able to find jobs fairly easy easily when they didn't have one I attribute this mainly to the fact that they are most that they mostly have jobs not careers like I've been trying to build over the last half a decade or so but with it being so hard to find a job I'm wondering if I should take up a new career

I love graphic and web design and I'm damn good at it too uh I've even been looking for jobs out in California area because Florida sucks and I'm not a fan of 100 degree weather with tons of traffic but it's it's been more difficult to find work out there

because most places won't even consider me since I'm not living out there yet I have no money to just up and move without any concrete employment on the line what should I do alright yeah dude you're getting your stories right now every successful man has his stories

about sleeping on a futon eating fucking ego waffles those are the years you're in so what I would do get a fucking job anything you gotta do get a fucking job get some money coming in and then save up your money

during the day that's your day job just like I had I had a day job working in a warehouse and at nights I did comedy for free at night you come home you do your graphic designing for free get a job where you meet other people maybe the company needs some sort of graphic designing

you can offer up your services and then you can add that to your resume and then there's other people maybe have side businesses I'd get a business card I'd put that up all around town cheap graphic designing just happy to be here graphic and web designing

that's what I would do I'd get that business going and while I kept working my day job and eventually you will have enough fucking money your graphic design will be making enough fucking money where you can either move out to California or fuck California run your own goddamn business alright

I'd say what your problem is is you're being too damn picky alright you gotta do whatever you gotta do fake it till you make it right now and I'm basing that on the fact that you've stuck with looking for a career rather than a job that's a good thing sometimes I can shoot you in the foot

and also how you want to leave Florida because you don't like the weather right now is not the time to be a diva deal with the fucking humidity bust your fucking ass alright relationship with some woman you don't need it right now what you need to do

is to rub one out in the morning go to that fucking job no and as you're at the job try to network with people if you're fucking I'm just gonna say everything that I just said just do all that shit bust your fucking ass and you'll get there and you have all these great stories

alright then you get a good looking broad at the end of it because god knows they like money alright that's the that's the podcast this week everybody hope you enjoyed it I got another couple days up here I'm gonna enjoy my fucking vacation gonna go jet skiing I'm gonna have some stories

about that and I'm gonna bring my bare mace on another hike today hope you guys all have a good week and let's go Bruins I'm looking for them to turn it around no disrespect to the Vancouver Canucks they got a beast of a fucking team I just don't think there's anybody tough on your team

which is evident when you're going around biting people's fingers like fucking a goddamn toddler fucking toy taken away from them alright that's the podcast for this week I'll talk to you later go fuck yourselves