Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-11

Episode Date: July 11, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about his sink, his temper, and early 90′s music.

OST Traditions and customs, Anders, but no. So long as you're traffic with who you're seeing. Paz Prunj, or Ift, chocolate, Aids. Dahl is in the promo, so I hop on my list. From all I take two, and we're in the arc. From us, I'll pass. Ramadan Mubarak.

Enjoying Paz and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And certainly also look at the second episode on theworldinethklein.be. That's the nice thing about Albert Heijn. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 11th, 2011. See that? Look at me. Two elevens, and I blew right through it.

No problems whatsoever. I think this is going to be a good podcast. All right. So here we are. It's another Monday. It's another Monday. Do you know where your dreams are? I am going out of my fucking mind this week, people.

As opposed to the other weeks when I'm so relaxed and chilled and realizing what's important in life. This week, believe it or not, I'm a little off the Zen path, if you can believe it. I've been in my fucking apartment all goddamn day. And I realized today, after being in my apartment the entire fucking day, because my girl had the car. All right? You know, that's how I'm living my life, debt free. I could go out and get another one. You know?

You think I'm not a big shot? You think I couldn't go out there and go get myself a fucking mercury monarch? Put some rims on that, bitch. You think I can't live like that? I choose not to, okay? Because it's obnoxious. I don't flaunt my ability to get Mercury's answer to the Ford Granada. Actually, I would go out on a limb and say the mercury was a little bit better, because as far as the lineage goes,

the mercury back in the day, anyways, was for a man who was making a little more money and wanted to stick with the Lincoln Ford product. Right? Did I lose all the lace on that one? Did I? Well, that's good. Anyway, so I've been in this fucking apartment all fucking day, and I don't know. I just realized I not only, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking. You know what?

I could never work on a submarine. You ever see those things about those sailors? Sailors who, uh, they join the Navy, right? A lot of people don't know, like, people who join the Navy. They're already sailors. You already have to be a sailor before you go into the Navy. I don't know if you guys knew that. You got to show up, okay?

You already have to have your little outfit on with the little hat, you know? It got to come in there. Dress like Popeye have one, at least one anchor tattoo, and then you got to do a little dance with a mop. And if you do it, you move on to the next round. And on the next round, uh, what do you got to do? You got to do something else, something with a pipe. I can't remember. You start smoking a pipe, and then you eat a can of spinach, and then you're in.

That's how it works. I know a lot of you thinking like, Bill, you know, technically we're still at war. Uh, you know, why are you making fun of that branch of the military? And I'll tell you why, because that's the safest one to be in. I said this before, and I'll say it again, a long time ago, I said it on the Uninformed show with Joe DeRosa. The, uh, Teen Idol sensation from the Opian Anthony program. I said it a long fucking time ago. There has not been any great naval battle footage since World War II.

Right? So basically, if you want to have, you know, the ability later on in your life when you're an old man and you're acting like a total douche and people are calling on it, calling you on it, and you want to be able to be like, I was a veteran. I'm a veteran. If you want to be able to yell that and not have to worry about your safety, you join the navy. I mean, that's the way to go. And if you don't believe me, I have a lot of listeners, I believe, in the army, in the marines,

in the air force that would gladly send me emails to tell me to agree with me that that is, that's the coward's way out. I'm just fucking with you. All right. Before you fucking call Fox News, and they can be, You know, only those people on TV with jowls. People who always question people's patriotism always seem to have jowls. Have you noticed that?

Oh my goodness. Anyways, yeah, I've been in this fucking apartment all goddamn day long, and I'm going absolutely nuts. And I want to go out tonight. Okay, I want to fill the wind in what's left of my hair. I'm going to hang my head out the window, like fucking Ace Ventura, and I'm going to drive my quiet hybrid down the street. Okay, this is the kind of life I live, people. You know, you too could be in show business and live this sort of rock style lifestyle.

Rock star life. They say rock style lifestyle. You know what, Bill? Why do you even bother? You know what? Fuck you. Why do you even listen? Why is it always on me?

This is what I did this week, people. I came home, and I don't know what the fuck I was supposed to do, but I walked into my bathroom and I saw that I had a leaky faucet, and immediately I got excited because I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god, there is a problem. All right, there's a problem, and I know how to fix it. I know how to fix that, motherfucker. All I do is I unscrew that little thing that the faucet handle pops right off,

and then right underneath it's that thing that looks like a fucking spark plug, right? Pull that thing out. There's a little washer. You take it out. You stick a new one in, bam, and you reverse the process. I've done it. I've done it like five times since I've been in this apartment, and by five I probably mean two, but we're going to say five.

Reality was probably two, but I feel like I've done it like five times. So I walk in there, bring in my little toolbox like a thing. I bring in that little red one, little fire engine red toolbox, and I come walking in looking like the puppet that I look like, and I open it up, grab my Allen wrenches, unscrew that little fucking thing, and here I am. Took the screw out. I did everything right.

I put the towel right down in the sink, right over the drain mouth, so I wouldn't lose it down there. I put the screw right where I knew it was going to be, right in the little area where I brush my teeth. Everything's going well so far. All systems go. So I unscrew the fucking thing, right? Everything's good, and I go to take the handle off.

Lo and behold, it won't come off. Seems a little fussy. So I start jiggling it a little bit. I start tugging at it. I go, wait a minute, Bill. Wait a minute. Let's not break anything and turn this easy repair into something bigger. So what do I do?

I go onto YouTube, already getting embarrassed, going, I already know how to fix this fucking thing. I was going to show off that I know how to do this, so my girl could be like, oh my God, you're so, you're funny and you're handy, right? And it would just fill up my ego. So I go on the fucking YouTube, how to fix the leaky faucet, and every motherfucker on there, they're unscrewing a little screw, the handle pops right off, and they're onto the job.

So I'm like, son of a bitch. Maybe there's some sort of gunk in there, so I start tugging it a little fucking harder. And in the back of my head, it keeps going, don't do this. It's going to break. Don't do this. I start looking at it going, did I take a wrench out? Was there something else I had to fucking unscrew?

I just can't figure it out. Finally, what happens? I lose my temper, and I go, I'm yanking this motherfucker off, right? What happens? I snap the goddamn handle, snap the fucking thing off, like halfway down, part of the threads are in there. It's this old vintage fucking faucet handle. So I had this simple goddamn job.

Oh, halfway through, I called my fucking dad too to figure out how to do it, and I was already pissed, which is funny. Isn't that funny when you call somebody at midway through a job? You know, he's just hanging out, he's just like, hello? I'm like, yeah, it's Bill. I'm trying to fix the fucking faucet. And he's just like, jeez, easy, easy. You know, you just hit the ground running, screaming at him.

You know, what you want to do there, Bill, is you want to unscrew. And I'm like, I fucking did that already. I already did that. I tried to do it, and he go, I'll jiggle it. I jiggled it. You know, and I yelled at him so much, he started getting mad. He's like, well, fucking call a plumber. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking call a plumber of a goddamn leaky fucking faucet.

He's like, well, I don't know what to tell you. I said, fine, I'll call you later. He goes, all right, goodbye. You know? So that was the upside of it. I got a little father-son quality time in there. So what do I do? I say, fuck this.

I got a goddamn screwdriver. I'm trying to force it. The whole time, I'm going, what step did I miss? What did I do? Did I just push this up here? Sorry about that. What step did I just fucking miss? So as you know, as always, my temper does me in.

And what do I do? I fucking yank this thing off. It snaps off. And now I still have a leaky faucet, and I have half a goddamn handle. So of course, you know, the male ego, I can't say anything to my girl, right? I just fucking walk out, head down, defeat. You know what I look like? I look like fucking Peyton Manning in the third quarter of a playoff game.

I got that Peyton face, you know, I undid my chin strap, and I'm already looking for somebody to throw under the bus to blame it on, right? I start blaming my landlord because he likes everything all fucking old, rather than just, you know, putting the blame on my shoulders and being a fucking leader. So like I said, I walk out of there. That's the only thing I was missing was a Peyton Manning jersey as I walk out my stupid sweaty forehead. And I just walk out and I wait for Nia to discover it, right? And she comes in and she knows I've been flipping out.

She heard me yell at my dad about a washer, you know, stupid fucking another three minutes of my life. I'll never get back because of my dumb ass temper. And she goes in and immediately comes out. She's like, what happened to the sink? Are you like halfway through the job? Nope, it's done, sweetie. Still leaks and now there's half a handle.

Anything else you need me to go take care of? Here I am, the man about the house. So anyway, so I've gone on, I've gone on eBay. I've gone everywhere. I'm trying to find, it's not a really unique faucet handle. It's just an older one and out of respect for the guy who owns this place. I want to get a new one. Does anybody, any podcast listener in the Los Angeles area know where I can find, do

they have old, is there a Fred Samford house out here that just will have a bunch of old faucet handles? That's what I need to know. I have pictures of my damaged faucet handle up on the mmpodcast.com, the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast. And once again, it's www.themmpodcast.com. People seem to be having problems sometimes finding it. And anybody out there that knows how to fucking do it, if you can look at it and tell me where

I went wrong, I even took a picture of the goddamn screw where I unscrewed it. What else would be holding it in? I don't understand it. Obviously you don't understand it, Bill. You fucking broke it. So I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. That's one of the first things I learned how to do in plumbing and I was beyond excited.

I probably talked about it three years ago on the podcast for those of you searching in the archives. I don't know what happened. This is what kills me about that is that is a microcosm of my life. It's like there's an obstacle. I learn how to defeat it. And then I walk away and I completely forget everything that I've learned and then fucking six months later, I'm in the same situation.

I lose my temper and the thing blows up in my face. And you know, I'm 43 years old. So who's kidding who? Wouldn't you say I'm beyond the halfway point in my life? You got to think that. I mean, 86 years. You know, that's long enough for a curse, everybody. I think I'm going to make it into my 90s.

And I want to hear everybody talking about my temper and how it's causing high blood pressure. Go fuck yourself. I go for hikes. That's how I even it off. That's how I level it off. Speaking of curses, by the way, I saw something. I'm submitting jokes to an award show.

The Espeys trying to get some jokes on there. And so I've been reading all this sports stuff, you know, just everything, every fucking article I could come up with. And evidently, somebody on ESPN was announcing the Cleveland Indians Yankees game on a Saturday night. And they did the usual montage of Cleveland misery sports, which not even being a Cleveland fan, I can pretty much say what they are. It's the Michael Jordan shot.

I don't know who it's over. Some fucking white guy, of course, and he jumps up and he's doing the fist pump. It's the John Elway drive. It's the fumble. Was it Ernest Beiner? I don't even know who the fuck it was. Fumble. And it was the last time the Indians won it.

1948. Is that what it is? That's pretty much it in a microcosm. And then I guess they added LeBron James leaving. So all these Cleveland fans, you know, started giving this ESPN guy shit for Trash and Cleveland and saying that ESPN has a bias against Cleveland and that it's a lazy journalism and all this type of shit. And, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I got to tell you, there's only one way you're going to stop it. All right. This is coming from a fucking Boston fan where I had to watch that goddamn Buckner fucking replay a zillion goddamn times. I went to a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game and they chatted 1918 at me. They did it at the Philly Stadium, all that type of shit. You know, the bucky dead homerun, the whole goddamn, yeah, basically you got to win a championship or they're never going to stop showing it.

And I hate to tell you what you already know, but you guys considering the White Sox, you know, you think it was Chicago after Boston finally won something, you know, you would think that maybe it would be Chicago, but they, I was thinking they got the Bulls. They have the Bears. They got the White Sox and then the Blackhawks just won it. So it's kind of you guys, you know, this is off the top of my head. I think the last championship you won was 64. You won an NFL title.

So you got to expect to get some shit. I feel for you. And you know, remember when I said that I was going to, I retired as a sports fan. I retired like Jay-Z as a sports fan after the Bruins won the Stanley Cup because I've seen all four in my lifetime and within the last seven years. So I'm done. It's never going to get any better. I'm walking away from the Blackjack table.

I'm up. I'm going back to my room. I might order a hooker, you know, get a little fuck. I can't say that, you know, whatever. It's my Catholic upbringing. Even though I still don't believe in this shit, I always stop short on a lot of the sex jokes, you know, oh, yeah, I walked away. So I am now a fan of cities that need a championship and I root for your fucking teams.

That's what I'm doing from here on out. The rest of it, I don't give a shit, you know, unless it's like New York fans. It just never can be sympathetic to New York fans because they just feel, they just feel that they're successful just because they don't even live in New York City. They just live near it and that includes New Jersey. And they listen to that stupid song. If I can make it there, I'm going to make it anywhere. And they think, really?

Let me ask you this. Why don't you look in the mirror and see your mantits pushing through your New York Jets Jersey? Let me ask you a question. Are you really making it there? You know, I don't think you could make it in fucking Idaho. Why is it so hard to make it in New York? You got fucking everything there.

It's fucking easy living. Go live in Idaho. You and your friends are just sitting there trying to make a pipe bomb out of a fucking potato or whatever the hell it is they do out there. You want to go live out there? They're a tough New Yorker. You're a bunch of cunts. So actually, I have a new favorite baseball team.

All right, so I'm always going to root for the Red Sox if they're in the playoffs. Go fuck yourself. I have to have that loyalty. But I'm actually paying more attention to the Pittsburgh Pirates because that was my favorite team when I was a kid. You know, we are family. Remember that shit? 1979.

You remember that? I fucking love that team. And you know, I was still fucking devastated after the Bucky Dent home run. That was a year later. That was a nice kick in the fucking 10-year-old seeds. Welcome to being a Boston sports fan. You know, the Bucky Dent home run. Fortunately, I was too young to remember that horseshit roughing the passer call when we played the Oakland Raiders,

which is why I always laugh when I hear Raider fans crying about the tuck rules. That was payback. It was payback, just like when we rescued France in fucking World War II. We weren't doing them a favor. That was payback when they fucking saved our asses from the goddamn cozy smug cunts over there in England. Anyways, you guys want to hear something fucking hilarious? This is a new topic that I want to introduce onto the podcast. This is something that I noticed.

You haven't just been sitting at home watching something by yourself, okay? And you're watching something that isn't supposed to be funny, and inadvertently, it's fucking hilarious. And you just wish you could share it with other people. Well, with today's technology, people, you can. Why is the bed sliding away from the fucking wall here? Hang on a second. This is my bed. I have no headboard on my bed.

Do you understand that, people? This is how you live a debt-free lifestyle. Okay? I have fucking goddamn pillow jam. Pillow? I can never say that word. I say P-E-L-L-O. I have white sheets that are gray.

You know? By the way, overrated white socks. Three washes. They're fucking gray. I don't give a fuck how much bleach you pour in there. You open the goddamn dryer door. It looks like a fucking overcast day. It just depresses the shit out of you.

All right? Underrated black socks. All right? Like Angus Young and fucking Michael Jordan. All right. So here we go. So you're sitting alone. Here's the new topic.

You're sitting alone. Mining your own fucking business. You're watching something that's not supposed to be funny. And then out of nowhere, they just say something fucking hilarious and you laugh your ass off. And you're like, goddamn it. I wish there was other people here. So they could have enjoyed that too.

We could have had a nice laugh. Well, with today's technology, people, you can. Especially if you buy an Olympus LS 10 like I have. Are they up to the LS 11 yet? How about you assholes fucking advertise on this podcast? Huh? There's my sales pitch. Um, anyways, I noticed this.

I remember bringing this up a long time ago. I was watching one of those murder shows. I always watch the murder shows, the trials, the shit on serial killers, the jails. I watch all that shit. And, uh, I was watching one, one time and it was about these two serial killers. And, uh, that actually joined forces like Batman and Robin. And one of them had already committed murders and then he moved to another city.

And that's where he meets the other serial killer and that Bill Curtis guy or something's doing the narration. And when he describes the one serial killer meeting his new friend, they go, he then moved on to wherever and he goes there. He met a sometimes transvestite. No, there he, there he met. Yeah. A sometimes transvestite and pyromaniac.

I still remember where I was. I butchered the line. I still remember where I was when I fucking heard that. I was actually working the improv in Tempe, Arizona. And I was sitting in the hotel bed after doing two tremendous shows. Of course, not to pat myself on the back. I always have a good time out there, right? And then I was watching that and Bill Curtis.

And I turned on the TV and I caught like two minutes before. And that's when Bill Curtis just went there. He met a sometimes transvestite and pyromaniac and I burst it out laughing by myself. And I was like, God damn it. I wish someone else could have enjoyed that. So with that set up people, here's the one that I saw today. I was watching this shit on Christ. I just closed the fucking window.

What the hell's wrong with me? I was watching this show called behind mansion walls. And it was all about these rich guys. It was basically about rich guys who were divorcing women and they didn't want to give them any money and then they would kill them. And then because they had so much money, it was kind of this 50-50 as to whether they got away with it or not. Which was, you know, added to the tension of watching it

but was also really fucking disturbing because these guys could, you know, this one guy paid $13 million to his lawyer. And of course, the guy gets them off. You got that kind of money. You can buy your way out of a problem. Just like the fucking New York Yankees. They're never going to suck again. I don't give a shit how many Karl Pavanos they sign.

They got enough money to walk away from it. And sadly, so did the Red Sox. I know we're part of the problem, but whatever. So I'm watching this show behind mansion walls. And the guy, you know, we're $13 million. You know, whatever. He pays his lawyer $13 million. And he fucking...

What the hell is this goddamn clip? I don't know whatever. So it's part of their defense thing. Where the hell is it? Are you shitting me? Why do I do this? Oh, here it is. This is something.

This was a person describing his ex-wife, some other rich person within the town that believed the rich guy was innocent. And this is, I don't know what, this is a show about some poor woman who lost her life because this fucking asshole, you know, you're going through a divorce, dude. Like, you know, why don't you spend $13 million

on a divorce lawyer? I'm sure you'll be able to keep most of your goddamn money. You fucking moron, you know? I mean, God knows, you know, the history of this podcast that I am all about, you know, I'm always defending the guys, how bad guys get fucked over in fucking divorces. Jesus Christ, could I meander any more through this?

Why don't I just play the goddamn clip? So this lady, his next door neighbor, is talking about some girl who's gonna testify against this guy who paid his lawyer $13 million. And this is a really serious show, and I'm on the edge of my seat going, fuck, is this guy gonna get away with this shit?

And this is what the lady said. Here it is. That's the way they edited it. Ah, Jesus, I'm trying to shut this fucking thing off. That's what she said. They thought that she was a whore, and then they cut to the fucking lady who's just called a whore in trial going,

that is not true, and I fucking burst it out laughing. And I was like, goddammit, I want to share that with some people. And you know what's funny? Halfway through that, I started losing confidence whether it's even funny, because I did such a bad job setting it up. Why the fuck did it...

I'm the worst. I took the wrong one. That's why, that's why. What is that? Ah, I'm the worst. You know what, I've had just about enough of my fucking unprofessional... I gotta get somebody in here to help me out with this shit.

You know how much better this podcast would be if I actually had somebody sitting here, and I just had him playing the goddamn clip. I gotta start fucking doing that shit. I really do. And this is not me asking for you guys to send me emails. I already have somebody that I'm gonna use. I don't want people going,

I live in New Hampshire, but I could fly out there if you paid for the ticket. I'm not into that. I appreciate, I appreciate the help. Alright, so I tried something new this week. I actually printed out some stuff, rather than so I wouldn't have to text my way... not text my way through this.

Sit here and... Ah, Jesus Christ. I can't even multitask here. I'm trying to explain what I'm doing as I'm setting this fucking thing up. Why don't I just get... This podcast has just gone off the goddamn rails. This overhead light is making me sweat.

Like this fat fuck I just saw in that man versus food. He's actually challenging other fatties to go out there and they went to Boston. I gotta tell you, man, I hate to say this being from Boston, but there are some ugly sons of bitches from Boston. It's just, there's no happy medium. They're either good looking or fucking...

This dude, he looked like a pelican. He had this giant fucking chin. I just, it was... Ah, God, and the skanks in the background cheering him on as he's eating. It was a six pound burger. They were trying to eat. And, you know, for those of you who suck at math,

that's like 24 quarter pounders with cheese. Minus the bun. I guess the bun was gigantic. No, no, they had a bunch of little patties. So it was with, if you just ate one bun and then you ate 24 of those fucking patties. And these fatties are fucking chomping their way through it. So anyways, I don't even know why the fuck I went into that.

Yeah, but why don't you make fun of fat people once again? All right, let's plow ahead here. Somebody actually sent me this link here. It said, Bill, you may have more influence than you realize. Now, I realize that I didn't have an influence on this, but this makes me happy. It says, major grocery... Grocer getting rid of self-checkout lanes.

All those years, you guys seen my specials. I've been going off on those things, saying how you're basically just working for free and putting a fellow American out of business. Out of work, I should say. It says, one of the nation's major grocery store chains is eliminating self-checkout lanes in an effort to encourage more human contact with its customers.

Isn't it hilarious when a corporation tries to lie? How they try and spin it? I'm going to go with they didn't work. I'm going to go with the reason why they're doing it is because people were stealing too much food or the average human being was too fucking stupid to figure out how to do it, no matter how much they explained it to them.

So rather than just admitting defeat, they try to spin it in this positive way. Rather than just coming out, yeah, you know, we tried to explain it to them, but, you know, the amount of mouth breathers out there is just absolutely, it's catastrophic, and it didn't make it cost-effective. We just realized that we would be explaining these things

until the end of time, or they would come out and just be like, we've ascertained that of the 24,000 carton of eggs that were on the shelf, only 18,973 were paid for. So we're going to go back to the human way of doing these things. If there's any questions, you can go fuck yourself because I'm walking away from the podium. So this is basically how they spin it.

One of the nature's major grocery store chains is eliminating self-checkout lanes in an effort to encourage more human contact with its customers. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus. Albertsons, which operates 217 stores in seven western and southern states will eliminate all self-checkout lanes in the 100 stores

that have them and will replace them with standard or express lanes, a spokeswoman said. Here comes some more bullshit from the Albertsons people. We just want the opportunity to talk to customers more. That's the driving motivation. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. You lying fucking talking head. You know what I think it is?

I bet it was when you went through there. Please, you guys, by the way, present your theories. I bet when you went through there that people weren't using their little savey-save cards, they weren't using something, they weren't getting enough information. It's one of those three. We just wanted the opportunity to talk to the customers more. They want to fucking worm their way in there.

This is what you do. So just go to that place, use their thing and don't talk to the person behind the counter. Or talk to them, but stop short of giving them any sort of personal information. Can we have your phone number? No. No, you can't. They usually just say, can we have a phone number?

So just give them one. 916-452-1234. Go fuck yourself. Privately held Albertsons operates in Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, New Mexico, Texas, and Utah. The move does not affect stores operated by the grocery giant Supervalue, which operates more than 450 Albertsons. You motherfucker, including Southern California.

God damn it. Well, you know what? These are privately owned ones. So maybe this could actually be a good thing. Maybe that's why they actually wanted more human contact. You know, it would help if I actually read these halfway through. So let me change my bitching to see, yeah, see the big corporate guys, they don't give a fuck.

They're still trying to fucking make you work for free, but these nice privately owned ones. Oh, God. Douchebag of the week, me for not reading that whole fucking thing. All right. Well, that's a good thing, though. That's a good thing. I like it.

I like that they're going back to human context. So there you go. Maybe some people can get some goddamn jobs out there. All right. This podcast is completely off the rails here. Let's plow ahead here and let's go with some advice for the week. Hey, Bill, I've been talking to this chick who I met on this random chatting site for about three months now.

We talk almost all the time over instant messenger. She told me that she lives in New York, but she's originally from here, Los Angeles. I never video or voice chatted with her, but she sent me pictures of what she looked like. Oh, Jesus. The thing that bothers me is every time I bring up the subject of video chatting or voice chatting with her,

she gets real pissy and changes the subject. On a side note, mostly the reason I want to video chat with her or voice chat with her is because I'm still on the fence on whether or not it's a dude. What? But the thing that makes me doubt that it is, what? Okay. Well, mostly I'm on the fence on whether or not it's a dude,

but the thing that makes me doubt that is that she always texts me in the morning to wake up and chat with her on IM. People please write in complete sentences. Well, about two weeks ago she agreed to video chat, but the thing is she usually gets home around 3 or 4 a.m. her time, which is 12 or 1 here that day. That day I was exhausted from work, so I fell asleep. The thing I found odd was that she didn't even text me

when she got home and she always does, not saying I forced her to text me because I'm not some clingy cunt. When I asked her why she didn't text me, she said because she didn't want to wake me, but she always seems to text me and wakes me with the text saying wake up at 1 or 2 a.m. So I let that go. The next week she says that she wants to voice chat with me,

then five minutes later she says she has to go and that will voice chat when she gets home, which is around 12 a.m. here. I stayed up and not once did she sign on or on so I called her, it quits around 3 a.m. Jesus Christ dude, why don't you just watch some porn, jerk off and go to bed and fucking forget this goddamn what's behind door number four.

Why are you doing this to yourself? I'm not even done with this and I already have a solution. Watch porn and jerk off and go talk to people in a bar. Anyways, let's get through this. Then when I asked her what happened and if she wanted to chat she avoided the question and got pissed off so I finally said fuck this, I'm done and I blew her off. Do you think I should let this go and stop talking to this chick?

I think I already answered this. Or do you think I'm just blowing this out of proportion? One last thing you should know is that me and this person talked for hours at a time and I'm really not sorry for this long message because I'm paying to go see you in Irvine during your Thursday show so there you go. Hope you get back to me, thanks.

Yeah dude, there was already like three major red flags in here. First of all you're talking about distance it seems. She lives in New York, you live in LA so that's not going to fucking work out. You got to stay up till all hours of the goddamn night waiting to talk to her so that's not going to work out and then she doesn't want to do the video chat. So most likely the photo she sent you was probably when she looked her best is what I'm guessing

and then you threw in there it might be a dude. So I really don't think you need my advice here, alright? So I don't think you need a long distance relationship with some fat transvestite. There you go. There you are, sir. You dodged a bullet in nine years of therapy. Alright Bill, I'm a big fan of the podcast.

Alright, here we go. My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for about eight months now and things are getting pretty great. There's just one little hiccup that I was hoping you could help with. A few months back I told my boyfriend that when we first started dating I also went on a date with another guy. It was just a concert and a little goodnight kissing

and then we went our separate ways. At the time I was recently single and I was exploring my option but didn't feel much of a connection with the second guy and he never really showed much of an interest back. So there wasn't much contact after the date. There wasn't much contact after the date. Okay, you've left that open-ended.

Alright, we work at the same company but entirely different offices so we do run into each other from time to time and have casual hallway chit-chat. Oh my God! I swear to God, women, if you were a little bit bigger you'd be the greatest major league fucking catchers of all time. The way you can frame your fucking bullshit

and make it look better than it really is. That was clearly a ball outside and you just framed that into a nice little strike there, didn't you? There wasn't much contact after the date. There wasn't much interest. We had just started dating. We work at the same company but it's different offices. We do run into each other time to time

for just a little chit-chat. Geo Jesus. Alright, here we go. I told my boyfriend about this and he forgave me and said he understood and all was well until recently. Guy number two. Number two. How pathetic, how poetic is that?

The piece of shit. Number two, asked me out again about two months ago and I politely declined and said I was seeing someone else now. He backed off and that was the end of that. In an effort to be open and honest, I would have normally kept this to myself. I told my boyfriend about it.

Alright, as always I haven't read this whole thing but why would you do that? Okay? You know, if you truly don't have feelings for that fucking guy, who gives a fuck? Don't say anything, okay? You think your boyfriend hasn't gone out and the local whore at the bar

got her tits done and wanted to show him to everybody like she got her nails did, right? Didn't pull her titty out. You know, he doesn't need to tell you that because he wants to keep going down there drinking with his friends. He doesn't give a fuck. Some shit, you know, you can keep to yourself.

So anyways, she goes, I told my boyfriend about it. Now he keeps asking me to retell the date story and flat out tells me he thinks I'm lying. He thinks something more happened and he said from a man's perspective there is just no way this guy goes on a date with me, gets a kiss and then leaves me alone. There's something you're not telling me, he said.

I've told my boyfriend that there just wasn't a connection. Conversation was a little awkward and forced. The kiss wasn't great, et cetera, et cetera. But he's still very suspicious. I'm wondering if there is anything I can say to put his mind at ease. No! No, you fucked up.

You fucked up by telling him that. Look at all the details. How openly, open-ended you've left this stuff where it's like, you know, I went on a date when we first started seeing each other, you know, because we weren't official. And then you say there wasn't much contact after the date. So that means there was some contact.

I guess you're saying the contact was that you work at the same company, but it's different offices so you run into each other from time to time so it's casual, hallway chit-chat. Is that what it is? This is kind of vague. So anyways, she says, I'm tempted to show him my own old phone bills

to prove how many texts were sent back and forth to make him feel like an asshole. I think that's a good move. You shouldn't make him, like, what you should do is to clear your own name. He's not the asshole in this. Or you're naive. Because you, first of all,

you told him that you went on another date while you guys were first seeing each other. He forgave you for all that shit, even though you made out with this guy at work. He looks the other fucking way. And then you come home with this shit like, like, what did you think that you were gonna, what did you think it was gonna do

other than make him feel insecure and jealous? And I know there's probably a lot of ladies listening right now and be like, well, that's the thing. See, guys, it's so fucking insecure. You can't even be honest. Shut up. So are you. Okay? If you fucking just started dating some dude

and he gets all honest, he goes, yeah, I also, you know, went on a date with some chick from work. We made out, but it was kind of awkward and whatever. I run into her from time to time, right? And then you say, fine, no biggie. And then a few months in this relationship, he brings up that she comes back into the picture and starts fucking, you know,

comes back in the picture and asked if, you know, if he'd like to go out on a drink with her and have a drink with her, you know, on a drink with her, go out and have a date with her, you know? No, go out on a date or have a drink with her. God damn it. I'm fucked. You'd have a problem with that, right? So anyways, she said,

I guess I'm mostly frustrated because he's accusing me of lying and this about this innocent event. I should just play along, answer his question till he drops it. Oh, should I just play along? I've told him that the constant questioning bothers me and I don't like it being accused of lying, but I see it eating at him from time to time. So I feel like it's an issue.

We'll keep coming up until something changes. Do you think over time he'll just let it go and eventually believe me, what should I do? All right, I just, okay, first and foremost, wait, I'm going to open the fucking window because I don't give a shit if you guys can hear the traffic. It's too goddamn hot. Hey, slow down. There's kids out here.

Anyways, in the future, if some guy makes advances at you and you don't give a fuck, you honestly don't give a fuck, don't bring it up to your boyfriend because all you're doing is just going to make him jealous and you're going to make him feel insecure that there's guys out. He knows that there's guys out there trying to fuck his girlfriend. He doesn't need to hear about it. Why would you do that to him?

All right. And at this point, you know, I would just say that what you've been telling me, that if you truly believe this, all right, because part of me is thinking that you did this to make him feel jealous so you could feel fucking attractive and then he flipped out

and now it's got a little out of your control here. So now you want to hear, you know, you're looking for some sort of sympathy from somebody else. Part of me is thinking that, but you actually, I don't know, something about you kind of seem like a nice person so I'm going to believe you here. So I would actually get your phone bills and show it to him, all right?

And just say, I'm guilty of being too fucking honest, I'm sorry, and I think it'll be all right. It might be all right, you know? I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I just don't know why women... I don't know why they do shit like that. They seem to do that. Ah, Jesus Christ, Bill.

Why do you lump all women into everything? Are you ever going to get past your fucking issues? All right, let's move on to the next one. You know, I'm really just having enough with the whole me always trashing women. It's getting tired. I'm sick of doing it. So to balance out the podcast, you know what we're going to do? I'm going to bring in a special guest.

I'm going to bring in a fucking lady. The wonderful Nia, as always. Putting up with me and my bullshit. And I'll fuck you, okay? See? See what you do? You can't even be nice for like, two minutes. Because I'm sitting there, I'm trying to open up

and say that I know that I'm a jerk. And then you have to... I hate that. I hate when someone goes like... And they're actually going like, listen, I was wrong. I shouldn't have done X, Y, and Z. And I was going, uh-huh, right. And it just makes you want to do it again.

That just means that I'm listening. You're so full of shit, Nia. Please don't do this. I'm trying to get over my issues that I have with women. And what you're doing is you're feeding right into them. Do I really... It doesn't take much. That's true. But do I really have to listen back

to the way you went, uh-huh. How you just did that? You heard it. At least that's all right. I brought you in here because... You done? Yeah, I'm done. Just to make you feel better, I'm getting sick of me. My tired fucking views.

Join the rest of us. Ah, fuck you. All right, here we go. What is this now? This is the advice. And this is from a woman here. And I really need your advice on this one. Because I just...

I'm feeling bad already because I think she was kind of nice and I immediately just started trashing her. Which really had nothing to do with her. Really had to do with me and the issues that I have. Is this this letter or something previous? No, that was the previous one. If you were listening to what I said a few seconds ago. Did you apologize?

Uh-huh. Did you apologize? Did you admit that you felt that maybe it had more to do with your issues than what she wrote? Yeah, and that was a very nice segue to coming in here. So are you happy now? Are you happy to do the right thing? Yeah, that's great.

All right, here we go. So here's this lady. This lady writes in here. A bit of advice here. I need a bit of advice here. I feel as though I am the friend... Jesus, let me start over. I feel as though... I'm really having a rough time.

Get it together, baby. I'm really having a rough time here. I feel as though I am the friend that breaks up romance. I feel guilty that I am the one that ties friends. I'm not sure what it is, but I think my friends talk to me more than they talk to their women

and jealousy develops. Oh my God. Let me finish. Purely factual. I know I was better looking than them. Wait. But I wouldn't say I'm Megan Fox either. I have been compared to Katy Perry.

I guess she's pretty too, but whatever. Now I'm in a situation that I don't know what to do with. Two of my friends guys seem to be flirting with me all the time, saying things that I see as a guy would only say

to his girlfriend. I'm not really a flirty person. I'm a good listener, but talk a lot, so conversations are never dull. Is it me, or does that just say that she dresses like a fucking hottie and stares it towards sex?

Yeah, just read the rest of this. Because then I want to unload. I need to unload. I was told twice after my friends broke their relationships off with their girlfriends that their girlfriends were jealous of me. But what do you expect?

Of course we're going to have our inside jokes and lots in common. I have strong friendships and have known my friends usually longer than they have known their girlfriends. I actually am pretty lucky when it comes to guys. I'm not like a princess, which I adore, of course.

Partially because I'm not a horny slut who chooses hot guys who are assholes just to fuck. The downside, I'm not making this up, the downside of it all is I always feel bad about the whole situation. Sylbiad about the whole

situation, so I never get into relationships myself. So I thought I would ask you for your viewpoint, in addition to this, what's your opinion? Should I draw myself back or go with the flow and then see what happens? P.S., I know your answer

is going to be rude and biased, but it's okay. I get a kick out of it. What does that mean, go with her what? What is that last sentence she said? I think she's talking about She said back off, go with the flow. I think she's talking about I can't tell if she's talking about

letting herself go to get into a relationship or she should back off her guy friends when they have girlfriends. I have this to say to this girl and I'm going to refer to this person as a girl because only a girl

would be so blatantly narcissistic and manipulative and then have the balls to act like she doesn't understand why the other girls don't like her. It's like you know exactly what you're doing. What is she doing? You're being a manipulative little narcissist

that needs to be the center of attention and the other girls know that you're doing this that's why they don't like you. They're not jealous of you. They see exactly the kind of girl that you are and let me guess, let me guess. You're the kind of girl that I don't really have a lot of female friends

because girls are bitches and I go back stab you so I just hang out with guys and have a beer or whatever because I don't care, you know what I mean? She's one of those girls that women hate but you're too dumb to realize that you are the one that's doing it.

Let me guess, so you hang out with all these guys your guy friends that are like confiding in you and being oh so flirty with you you're hanging around this guy but I have a feeling that you suck out all the air out of a room

anytime you're around so whatever girl they're around immediately hates you because we hate women like you and you're throwing around enough of a whiff of pussy to have them follow you around because in typical guy fashion

some of them are just too fucking stupid and they're hanging on to this hope that you're actually going to fuck them and you're doing this because you even though you're a narcissist you have all this self loathing like you don't feel like you can get a good guy and I'm not buying the I'm really lucky with guys

they treat me like princess and I adore so why aren't you in a relationship why are you always hanging out with other people's boyfriends why don't you get your own man Jesus Christ and back the fuck off you would get an applause break on every talk show

all you needed to end that with and you need to get a job I cannot stand girls like this this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever I like how she casually throws out how she oh I'm no Megan Fox but I have been compared to Katy Perry bitch please alright Nia everybody

taking care of that topic let me just if she walks into a bar and okay she's already in the bar this is what I'm picturing she's already in the bar or she shows up like if the guys are like oh me and my girlfriend

are going down for a fucking brunch we're going to watch the game she comes down looks extra cute extra fucking hot has her tits hanging out and then deliberately does the inside jokes yep to show that she's closer to them she's that girl

absolutely that girl and I'm sure she's you know I'm sure she's borrowed one of their t-shirts and wears them to one of these things is like oh my god I totally forgot this is your t-shirt you left it over my house that time hahahaha

yeah okay that's what I thought I can't even believe the nerve that that was even written how you trashed her was basically the angle I was going to trash her but I don't have your insight as a female but what was great about that

was it just would have been back to back me trashing a female and it would have come off like an asshole that was great you actually I feel like I pulled a little sinister move there I got you to do my dirty work oh is that what you think that was tremendous

you really you really really got me going my blood was kind of I would say you fucking blew the pubes right off her little landing strip that you know she's accidentally showed with her loose fucking shorts um anyways overrated underrated

overrated bottled water somebody didn't say why yeah I think it's overall you know that they just versus what bond water I think they just scoop it out of some fucking pond I think and then they boil it and they stick it into a god damn yeah probably and they leave it

in a warehouse for like I've heard for like years I've heard from people who didn't really investigate it I've overheard them talking about it that they that they do it probably true but who cares it's just fucking water everyone I'll tell you what the problem is because it ends up in the ocean like like I think

what does the bottles yeah even though you put them in the blue trash barrel we're gonna recycle right you know you know there's no money in recycling really they haven't figured out how to do it and I've seen so many of those investigative reporters you know those guys

the reporters who actually do their job and they give a shit yeah and they follow them they're driving like some 72 fucking Caprice classic with like the fucking driver's side door doesn't close unless they tie it to the headrest and they follow these fucking trucks and

they bring it to the dump they bring it to dump and that's some of that shit ends up in the ocean it's yeah so I don't know and then they said underrated meatloaf oh meatloaf is awesome yeah I think meatloaf is the shit it is but you know what if it's not made right

then it's really fucking terrible then it's like a brick yeah meatloaf meatloaf is like the Malcolm Young of meats it's just the shit it's the shit and it's just totally not appreciated and everybody thinks that it's simple like people like people

play guitar I think what Malcolm Young does in DC DC is a simple thing to play something that simple with that much air in between it and get 80,000 people to absolutely lose their fucking minds they think that it's simple

meatloaf is the same fucking thing meatloaf everybody thinks I can make fucking meatloaf have you ever made meatloaf before? you have? yeah I have a recipe you know what the best part of the recipe is the very end you take a strip of bacon and you put it right on top

oh jeez why don't you make it? I would love to make you know something I actually believe it or not I enjoy cooking but you cook so well and you do it for me you know and I'm so busy you know fixing the leaky faucet by the way did you notice that the cold

knob doesn't work now? what do you mean it doesn't? yeah it does no it doesn't go look oh no no no no no it works but the other side doesn't no what happened was I was taking a picture of it from my from my podcast to show people what it

looked like so I had to turn it on so I just turned the water off underneath all you do is turn it counterclockwise and it'll come back on okay do you remember when I fixed the faucet I fixed the leaky faucet I don't know what I did and this time I couldn't do it I let my temper get the best of me can you at least tell my podcast listeners

how I've at least compartmentalized my temper right I don't lose my shit in the car anymore that's true that's gotten better that was such an effort for you to give me that that was such an effort it's gotten better it's gotten a lot better

I used to be like is there anything funnier than somebody in a Prius was fucking Royd rage and the fact that I'm a redhead so my what I say Royd rage Royd rage yeah I'm a little fucking tired today I've been I've been fucking up all the words um yeah the comedy moments it's just

gone what else is overrated and underrated is that it bottled water and meatloaf come on well that topic is just sort of gradually dying I don't know why people I think we've pretty much got everything that's fucking over oh here's one fat

head of the week bringing this one back John Cougar melon camp that I bring him up before what what do you what do you mean I'm like I talk to people all the time about fucking just you know I quit boozing because I was getting that big Ted Kennedy fucking

fan head yeah and uh John Cougar out John Cougar melon camp he doesn't have cougar anymore whatever his head's big enough for three names yeah he has a giant fucking squash now

he was riding on this right on a Vespa with fucking Meg Ryan who got her face did I don't know what she did no I went to like oh my god they're just like us dot com I don't know where I saw it so she was

peeking out behind with her her cat eyes that she has now yeah she did she looked like Madonna in a wind tunnel so she's peeking around his giant fucking head maybe it was just the angle no

no she has those she got the bet she I don't know the crush I had on her did you have a crush on Meg Ryan I would not think that Meg Ryan is your type but you have weird types when you talk about girls you used to crush on when you were younger it's I'm always surprised so Meg Ryan

Mary Lou Redden shit nice thighs she was a little thicky I remember my mom was just like she's a little she's a little bigger it's like I like that all those other gymnasts they were running around look like little fucking poodles yeah she had some meat on her bones she did she was real short

yeah yeah she had a nice smile mm-hmm that little Dorothy Hamill she's very perky as well she was I had some ideas about Mary Lou Redden you want to hear my crush when I was a kid my crush is when I was a kid let's see here first one I can remember

was Kate Jackson when she was on the Charlie's Angels on the rookies oh okay but she was on Charlie's Angels one of the great fucking theme songs okay of all time Farrah Fawcett of course of course um

who else oh Valerie Burton Ellie oh yeah one day at a time I had a lot of hacky ones but she's beautiful and she was the keeper I wanted to be then I crossed the street when I started watching different strokes and I liked the young Janet Jackson when she crossed the street yeah what do you call it crossed the tracks

and went into the for when she played was it not not Penny was good times I didn't like she was a little lady on that one she was a baby and she was not she needed to do some laps she needed to run up and down those project stairs that's baby fat

anyways listen to me that should have got a laugh but you weren't listening you didn't hear that oh projects are from good times when they lived in the projects projects yes this wasn't funny yeah it was you weren't listening you were too busy thinking about what you were going to say if you can do the radio thing you have to listen to the other person so how are you doing

it huh I mean how am I doing it I've heard everything you've said when you were on that rant trashing that woman you think I didn't have jokes to add to it I was like she's just let her go I was on that fish on let her fucking wear herself out now reel her back

into the boat that's what I did so no when she played Charmaine when she played Charmaine who else of course Tonya Coutain and the fucking white snake video poor woman I like Blair for a minute

but then I ended up like in Joe the more facts of life yep the one I was in the ride the motorcycle I was like brunettes I was never like into the blonde Joe was hotter than Blair we having a slumber party right now how the fuck did we start talking about this I think Joe was

harder than Blair even though it was presented the other way I just got sexier the entire sex in the city on the laser disc and I have to tell you I am beyond excited I really was laser disc good I bet it was fucking phenomenal was that another one of those technologies

wasn't it out for like two years and then no one cared anymore no one has laser discs yeah like guys like Steven Spielberg people who are already made it own that shit you know he has all that stuff probably played like 20 grand for it too when he got it or he got it for free because

of course he got it for free what movie was he doing hook was a big hit alright so here's the YouTube videos for the week you'd love this one this kid you know those little pageant girls

you know that I'm going to bay yeah yeah yeah where's my nene there's somebody who actually got her talking about getting hairspray in her mouth and they slowed it down so she sounds like a dude oh yeah I saw that fucking hilarious

these are all going to be up on the M.M. podcast by the way if you want to go on the M.M. podcast and make a donation yes please to help keep us running here with our unbelievable overhead actually be giving us money towards the new studio that I hopefully I'll be getting soon

yes absolutely just click on the donation button right on the mmpodcast.com it's right underneath the facebook twitter and all those buttons right on the right hand side of the page and let's see here so you know that they have those little kids that the you know the parents

get them into those beauty contents which is really fucking creepy like why would you do that after that it is it's weird John Bonnet Ramsey the floor whatever some sort of hockey name John Bonnet Ramsey poor baby

anyways so there's a boy who competes in these things oh yeah they have the boy they're like little gentlemen pageants or whatever well he refers to himself as a diva oh boy and I want you to watch this because I can't

figure out if this kid needs a father figure and to be rescued from his mother his mother is either absolutely crazy or the greatest fucking mom in history because she's either figured out that this kid is gay already and she's

totally accepted and she totally accepted him which is beyond fucking cool but with a little stage mom thrown in of course there's probably both because she has another kid and it's a little girl and she's also

in that pageant thing and I found that parents who enter their kids into those pageant things they're a little fucking nuts there's something a little fucking wrong with putting your kid in that kabuki makeup and dressing her up like a little fucking

who's yeah no I was gonna go with use the girl who wrote Trigger back in the day with Roy Rogers what? I don't know who it was that's classic Hollywood way back in the day

is that from your generation? no no that's from way back who's Roy Rogers? the chicken guy right? is he a cowboy? Hollywood cowboy owned the California Angels doesn't he have a chicken place?

isn't there a Roy Rogers chicken place? well if it is then fuck him he's sold out alright we're going on to the next one it's got to make money Sean Connery that classic clip I remember this when I was a kid when he went on Barba Walters and he talked about

how he thought it wasn't a bad thing to open hand slap your woman when she won't let it go and um Sean Connery as much as I could never do that to you? I gotta tell you there are good moments

where I wish that we could rewind society a few years what if I could just snap my fingers and I was dressed like Robert Fulton and I took off a glove and just slapped you across the face and then snapped my finger right back into the Prius

and it was not a goddamn thing you could do about it because when I hit you it was 1850 oh hairspray in the mouth oh here's one for drummers out there buddy rich watch this video now everybody as far as I've known I've always given credit to Tommy Lee for being the first guy to do the drum set

flipping around this is buddy rich from back in the day going all the way upside down playing and here's something this is something I wouldn't watch because this is really hippy man this is fish

video called enjoy myself fish the band yes with the pH I don't know their music but people love them well this is actually really interesting like this because I actually saw them perform this song oh you did are they good live

they seem like they'd be a good live band right like that's their thing if you can get past their annoying fans they're fucking amazed you have to get high with them and the way they dance that hippy dancing you have to get high with them

that's the thing everyone dances in a circle together it's a big communal thing anyways it's called you enjoy myself for those of you who are into like harder kind of music if you're a musician you'll definitely appreciate this I imagine most people won't be able to get through

the 11 minutes of it I actually saw them perform this song live when they jump on the little fucking trampolines and I was blown away by them as musicians found their fans I can't blame 100% on them because just for the record the spin doctors were also playing

and this is like right at that you know the spin doctors were cool for about 30 35 minutes they came to the Boston Garden oh god this is a fucking story they came to the Boston Garden and

it was this it was for the WBCN I don't know I don't know what but it was right when all the alternative music came in so fish headlined it was the spin doctors and I'm going to leave this open-ended

and if you guys want to hear this story because I don't name names on this podcast but if you'd like to hear this story I would say ask Robert Kelly to tell the story he has a podcast

basically a sketch group for some reason they decided it would be a good idea to perform during a concert yes they had the main stage and they had a small stage and on the main stage was a huge band

fish, spin doctors and whoever the fuck else was there and then they would have like these little acoustic sets and out of nowhere they had this sketch group go on that Bobby Kelly may or may not know the rest of the story

it was it was not the right environment and it was amazing because one of the things that I remembered when they were doing their sketches I think that people didn't realize that they were a sketch comedy group I think that they thought that they were actually

a group that was advocating recycling and that they were trying to collect empty water bottles partially full because when they were doing their jokes people were donating their plastic bottles I got it

I got you and you know what I did I stood there and watched it you probably participated you jerk no I didn't I felt horrible for I felt fucking horrible for because baby just go ahead

now and if you like my fucking red beer just suck my dick now and I don't have any more that fucking song is so fucking bad and just when you think it can't get any worse then he goes he should have been shot with a crossbow

no don't say that okay I shouldn't say that he's a fellow redhead too and he looked eerily like that other guy who was on the US soccer team at that time what was that other song something about a bitch

what was this fucking been a whole lot easier no been a whole lot easier since the bitch been gone little miss little miss little miss can't be wrong did they sing that song yes can't be wrong

and that song I'm a bitch I'm gonna end with this this is one of my old jokes one of my original jokes because you just reminded me of something that song that song I'm a bitch and all the women love that song that was one of my first decent jokes I had

because in that song came out all the women used to go nuts singing that song and I said I love when that song comes on because you can watch all the loser chicks trying to pretend they have control of their life and then they would always groan and I would plow through the groan and be like

that song I the tiger comes on and every guy in the bar starts throwing fucking punches like there's something something so I kind of brought it around and actually after pissing the women off would get them back on my side and I remember thinking like oh that's kind of a cool little trick

piss them off make some pay attention and then you give them the punchline you make it seem like oh I'm going over here but now I'm on this side of the stage wow that's so Machiavellian of you have you been reading the art of war I don't need to be belittled on my own fucking podcast

yes you do you know what that's a classic female fucking thing now I'm going to end Trash and Women this is what you guys do you love us your supporters but the second you see us feeling good about ourselves I don't know I think subcon let me finish my ignorance

you start seeing us feel good about ourselves you get a little insecure like oh my god he's going to feel good about himself and what is he going to do is he going to leave me better let me fucking reel him in a little bit here so you got to bring me down right there I was telling you a story about yes you did

no I didn't well that was my paranoia alright hour and ten minutes I think that's a that's a good place to stop hour and ten minutes guys please help me fix this sink if you know any place out here that has vintage stuff where I can buy it

you've really done it this time with that whole thing no I haven't it's very easy and everyone is everybody's going to come and help me out but they're going to help me out in an internet way which is they're going to be calling me a fucking moron the entire time they help me they'll be like they'll be like this subject will be hey

dipshit alright fuck face next time you do this if you can fucking figure it out moron you're the ultimate name caller so they feel like they have to like get in there so they can be like once again once again bringing me down rather than

rather than laughing you immediately I am laughing I'm not taking oh please why are you taking this do you have something to hype do you have something to hype are you going to be selling some sort of Nia merchandise no no I do not no I don't sigh with them at all I hate those people that write in like that I think it's very annoying but I just feel like

they're trying to like be like you they're trying to emulate you that's what I was trying to say do you ever think that there's just a bunch of me's out there these people would be doing it go on YouTube look what people write under the videos I can't look at YouTube comments people are out of their fucking mind

all right listen you got to keep your face near the microphone if you start doing stuff like this on the podcast the yeah you do that I'm not no no you were talking and you started looking down at your foot you went like that oh I'm trying to I'm trying to give you some sort of Mike's skills because I think you're you add a lot to the podcast

and I would like to offer you a contract to be on here to work free as I do to be on here more often while bringing you in you know something when I feel like you know when I feel like I curse too much on stage when I'm really

feeling that like I literally have a taste in my mouth like okay I need to clean it up a little bit and like today when I was trashing women to the level it's just like Jesus Christ I got to get I got to get me in here to try to balance this out and why I love you is you fucking I passed the baton right to you and you took it

across the finish line you fucking destroyed that lady yeah alright that's the podcast that was sort of a feel good ending alright go fuck yourselves don't make it nice go fuck yourselves that's the podcast for this week I'll be talking to you guys next week

where am I going to be this week oh I'm going to be up in San Jose at the improv and you got pick your microphone up um you just really killed that right there you set your microphone down and it rolls and you can hear it oh I'm sorry yeah do you get that it's on let me turn it off

um anyways I'm going to be at the the improv in San Jose you should definitely come out to these shows because these are going to be monster shows because I have not done an hour of stand up in a while and I am fucking chomping at the bit to do it and I feel like unloading

some brand new fucking thoughts up there so please come down to the scary downtown San Jose area uh somebody got shot right out in front of that place last time I really shouldn't be bringing that up yeah I keep it real son I'm sure it was all dealt with and everything's fine

it was they swept it right out took a garden hose sprayed the blood off and we did the second show the people have been arrested everyone's okay everything's okay yeah so please come out to that next week I'm going to be down in Irvine Orange County the plastic surgery capital of the world oh you're going to are you going to bring it are you going to bring it to them again

are you going to tell them about themselves like you did last time I'm going to fucking rena dodge challenge you I'm going to beat on that driving to and from and uh because the highways out here suck and then after that I'm at the Montreal Comedy Festival ho ho ho

and uh why aren't you going to that why aren't I going to that I love Montreal oh you know there's uh can I come yeah why don't you go on that that Star Trek website get yourself a cheap ticket all right the one Captain Kirk talks about

oh uh price line why aren't you on that one I don't know because you usually come to the the I don't know Miami I don't know I don't want to talk about the ones you usually go to usually don't go to the go to that one do I bring you to that one why'd you make it awkward I didn't make it awkward

I was fine I don't think you're going to that one oh yeah no you're not going to that one I love Montreal um all right all right that's the podcast for this week I'll talk to you guys next week and uh like I said if you guys if you're watching anything I'd really like

to get some audio clips on this thing if you see something on TV that strikes she is funny send them in for God's sakes all right talk to you next week some people say the metaverse will only be virtual but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings

faster saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A&E and though woolly mammoths are extinct in the metaverse students will go back to the ice age to visit them

the metaverse may be virtual but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com