Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-12-21

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

Bill rambles about the Mediterranean, bears, and a dream business.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. Monday, July 12th, 2021. What is going on? How are you? How was your weekend other than England? How was your weekend, everybody? Do you have a good time and say Italy? Whoa. Italy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I watched that fucking game. Jesus fucking Christ. I think I finally get it. I think I finally fucking get it. You watch soccer, right? What happened was, right? Every time I talk about soccer, whatever, they always have to bring up like American football. They're two completely different fucking games. And then they always, I don't know. It's like, well, I don't understand why those cunts are just always shitting on

American football. You don't have to watch it. You shit on American football. So then I shit on soccer. Then you act like, like, like I fucking started it. I don't know. Maybe I did. But anyways, I was live tweeting the game and they just take the bait every fucking time. Like they think I really don't like to sport. I don't give a shit, right? I don't give a shit. I fucking enjoy it. I see it. I get it. People are going crazy. I know the whole world fucking loves it. So yeah, there's got to be something to it. I just don't have the time to watch it. Other than that, you know, I went the fuck I'm saying at this point. I watched the fucking game and I have to tell you something, man. That is the worst I have

felt after a sporting event since I saw Kenny Perry, who I love, go from winning the masters to then losing the masters in whatever you call it over time in golf, whatever that's called a playoff. You know, not to fucking dig up an old wound, but this fucking guy was crushing it. I watched I sat down one year and the year I decided to watch the whole masters Thursday, Friday and Sunday. I'm watching this guy. You never won one. He's up there in age. You see, this is his year. You know, he's built like a dad. He's got a family. The guys don't like the 14th, 15th fucking hole. He's got it in the bag. They're cutting to his family sitting on the 18th hole. They're all excited. Holy shit. That's

going to do it. He's going to do it, ma. He's really going to do it. And all of a sudden, the wheels fall off and they start cutting back to the family and the smiles are now going to like concern. And then it just went totally off the rails by the time he got to the 18 and it was tied. I think nobody was looking at anybody. And then he walked off to go to the fucking playoff playoff and they never showed his family again. And then he lost. He blew it in front of his whole family. It's basically what happened. And, uh, and then lost to a guy named Bubba who took the money and went out and bought a 69 Dodge Challenger, I believe that was made up to look like the Dukes of Hazard car. So I mean, it was just,

I remember hitting, telling the story. He said he walked into the clubhouse, signed off on his score, didn't talk to his family, got in his car and just started driving. I can't imagine what was going through his family's head. Like he wouldn't hurt himself, would he? I mean, to just like people shouldn't go through that. So I'm watching this, this, uh, soccer, right? I sit down to watch it. It's the championship. So, you know, fair weather fan, I can sit down, I can watch this for all the fucking models. And I sit down and I'm like, oh shit, it's England versus Italy. I got some English blood in me, Irish, Scottish. I got that whole fucking thing going on there. I got a little French, mostly German. Okay. I got a buddy of mine

named Paul Versey. Paul Versey. Whoa. Paul Versey, Sicilian. Sicilian. So I'm like, all right, man, let's get into this shit. Let's, okay, you want to do 20 bucks in the game? I'll take the pasty guys. You take the olive skin guys and he's like, make it 50 because he's Versey. So I go, all right, I'll make it fucking 50. So we sit down to watch game. I'm texting him. He's not texting me back. I didn't think, you know, I didn't think he was even watching or I know what the fuck he was doing out golfing or something. So I started jumping on the Twitter there. And I suddenly realized how big this fucking thing was. I made some stupid joke when I saw the blonde guy there, the older brother, the favorite son, the guy who's going to be king someday. He can put poison in the right

chalice in that fucking castle, right? He's there with his wife and his his kid who already looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. There's something about that suit, like this kid's already seen things. It's crazy. You know, somebody there must have left their laptop open or something. He walked into the wrong room in the castle. But anyway, all I could think it was was Harry. I was relating to Harry, right? Outcast, ginger, you know, fucking moved away from his sports place and all of a sudden they're going to win a championship. That's what happened to me. I left Boston and well, it didn't happen right away. I left Boston and then I went through the whole fucking Yankee dynasty. 99. I was choking Aaron Boone. I went

through a whole bunch of shit. But the Pats, Pats came alive like six years after I left. And I was just thinking like he must have been sitting there like, ah, fuck. I could have been at the game or the match, whatever the fuck they call it. So I made a joke about that. And then my whole Twitter feed just like lights up all these fucking lunatic fanatic fucking fans. If you don't fucking believe how crazy these fans are, dude, they showed a clip of some fans at Italian supporters coming into Wembley Stadium and these fucking old bald English cunts like my age, they looked at 40s and 50s, which is beating the shit out of them. Two on one, four on one. And there was just this, I couldn't tell what was going on.

It's this rush of Italian people dressed with Italian colors on. It looked like, you know, when the wildebeest tried to cross the river at the wrong time during the Serengeti dry season and the alligators are just picking them off, it was just fucking sucker punch after fucking sucker punch. Deplorable, deplorable human behavior, which I gotta admit, I selfishly, I loved humanitarianly, you know, human being to human being. I hated seeing it, but selfishly, I loved it because those English cunts always try to act like they're a little cut above, you know what I mean? Try to act like there's not a sea of dumb cunts in jolly old England just like there is over here. You know, we're just a little more obvious because one company turned

our food supply into poison and now we're all bloated up. Like a bunch of fucking, I don't know what, weather balloons over here. So like you look twice as dumb if you're dumb and fat, you know what I mean? If you're just dumb, you know what I mean? You can kind of get like the South like, oh bless his heart, you know, they'll give you a little bit of, that really means go fuck yourself, you know, that guy's an idiot or whatever, whatever that Southern thing works, but like, you know, if you're dumb and fat in the South, you don't get, you don't get bless his heart. I'll tell you right now, he looks like he ate the baby Jesus and the manger. Fuck that dumb fat fuck. I'll run over with my truck. I'll keep going.

Chop them up, put them in my bass boat, use them for bait. Watch me. He says one more fucking thing to me when I'm walking down to that goddamn gun shop. Anyway, so I sit down to watch this fucking match. So I got, I got 50 bucks riding on England. I immediately regret it because, you know, Irish people giving me shit. I thought, you know, I thought you were fucking Irish or whatever. And I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm mostly German, fucking American. I thought that fucking English flag. I'm like, why, what the fuck did this, did Sweden lose and they're just hanging around? Are they playing the fucking, the runner up game after this game? I didn't even know, I didn't even know what the fucking English flag, I thought it

was that, that one that Def Leppard had, that they made into little boy shorts, right? Who's that? Rick Allen, the drummer. He came over wearing those fucking things, right? We all thought it was cool. We thought it meant rock or whatever, rock and roll or whatever. But I just thought, I thought that was England's flag. And I guess also I didn't really notice this. When they go to the fucking Olympics, when they go to the Olympics, they bring the Great Britain flag, which is, I guess, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales and them, Isle of Man. I don't know what the fuck it is over there. Who gives a shit, right? Whatever. Do you guys know where fucking Nebraska is? Did you just compare a country to Nebraska?

Yes. I'm on the other side of it. As far as I don't know where the fuck it is, or how it's all aligned. So anyway, they're under the different flag, but whatever. I can see. I see the pasty cunts. I'm like, all right, that's England. Now I got my money on that horse. And then, you know, Verzi's got it on the Italian team, all right, which really killed me to root against Italy because the Mediterranean people, they basically, by going over there, I really figured it out as far as like, you know, there's something about the Mediterranean. See, people chill. Like they know how to live. They get it. You know, food is an event. You take a nap in the afternoon, you know, it's about those months. It's not about fucking, you know, you get up north,

it starts getting colder. All of a sudden people, they got to feel superior and fucking trying to take people over. Well, this is bullshit because France and Italy also had empires. So did Greek. I don't know. It's just this, at this moment in history, I'll tell you what, every country's had their crazy people, but as far as just regular people walking around chilling, they chill out pretty good. You can have a good time. Then again, isn't Italy overrun by the mafia? All right, this whole theory is fucking unwinding. Whatever, whatever. I have a good time when I'm down by the Mediterranean. Okay, I'm fucking sorry. Anyway, so plus, you know, I've got a lot of Italian friends over here. Italians know how to cook. They know

how to hug. You know, they want people before they put two behind your ear, right? It's supposed to Irish. It's just, you know, throw it in the fucking pot. You know, the Germans, they, you know, are you part of the solution? Are you part of the problem? You know, they're very fucking cold, goddamn people. So I'm rooting for England. I got my money on England, right? The game starts. England goes down the ice, right? They cross the blue line. The fucking guy is along the boards. He kicks it across a little one timer, right? Fucking right there, Fred. It's basically what soccer is, right? It's fucking, you know, talking on grass, just way more players and a giant goal. So they score and I'm like, holy fucking shit.

It's one to nothing already. They got 90 more minutes to score one more goal and this whole fucking thing is over. And then what happened was like an hour of nothing. There's a lot of sing-alongs with some complaining. There was some rolling around on the ground. People putting their scarves over their heads. And I'm like, how is the whole world? What the fuck am I missing? And then because I had money on the game and because I gave a shit, all of a sudden I was feeling this nervousness or was going, you know, nobody scored in a while. And if I know one thing about watching sports, if you let them hang around, you let them hang around, you know, you got to put them to bed. You got to put them to bed early. You knock them out, you stick them in

the bunk, you tuck them in and you shut out the fucking light. And if you don't, if you just slap them across the face and once that sting wears off and their cheeks a little hot and red, they start getting mad. They're getting mad, right? And all of a sudden the tide of the game changes because I'm sitting there watching England. I'm like, are they playing fucking Marty Ball? They're going to sit on the fucking lead. Let's get aggressive. Let's get down the goddamn fucking whatever you call it. The Rosary beat up the pitch. So anyway, I go outside, I don't go outside, go into the kitchen, making myself a little pizza. And all of a sudden I hear the first something that I haven't heard in about an hour. I heard the

sound of excitement. And I was like, holy shit that England just somebody just scored. It has not been this fucking loud in well over an hour. And I ran in and I see the guys in the blue shirts They're fucking going nuts. And then I was, I don't know, I got excited because now I was going to see a fucking game. So then it's one to one and it just keeps going and going. And then I'm like, so what happens? There's no way this shit ends in a draw and they like share the trophy. Right? Oh, we go into overtime, extra time, whatever the fuck they're doing. Oh, we go into overtime, extra time, whatever the fuck they call it. So I'm watching this shit and it just keeps going and going and going and going. And I'm like a lot of you. I took a 10

minute nap and a soccer game for a fucking world championship, whatever that was. I call it a world champ. They're playing different countries. I took a 10 minute nap, felt great, woke up, still one to one, people still singing scars over their fucking heads. And then time runs out. I'm like, okay, what do they do? They clear the ice and they play a second overtime. And then they start talking about a shootout. I was like, oh my God, I remember this shit from the 1994 World Cup when Italy was in it. And I remember my country was all sitting there going like, we always say, you know, they're the world champions of basketball or baseball or football or whatever. And we don't play the world. The World Cup, it's actually the

world playing. It's the world playing. It's the final fucking thing. And you solve it on these fucking penalty kicks. It just doesn't seem right that it comes down to the individual. And this is where the game, I'm trying to describe the feeling I had after this shit. So as far as I can tell, and I want all you people around the world, obviously to chime in with your understanding, as you explain this to me, in a non condescending, not littered with F words in insult way, I appreciate, I'm gonna say, from the beginning, I appreciate your professionalism and your maturities as adults. So I fucking, I said, okay, so we were watching the World Cup, right? And we're like this whole world championship, where you had to beat every fucking country in the

world, or half the fucking world just to get in it. And then you had to win your little sector. And then you had to go to another fucking playoff and it comes down to you and another team. Teemo, our Teemo, let's fucking have at it. And then it comes down to penalty shots, like free throws, like the 2009 Laker championship, when they called 50,000 files on the Celtics. And I watched them win it from the free throw line, most anti climatic championship I ever fucking saw. But anyway, here we go. They're still doing it. Hockey doesn't have the red line anymore. They have no touch icing, but soccer is staying with, look, if you can't get it done in fucking nine hours, we got to go, I guess that's what it is. It's like this game's going to go on

forever. These guys got to go, you know, the chimney sweeps got to get up early in the morning, whatever chitty, chitty, bang, bang shit they do over there. Anyway, it comes down to these penalty kicks. And you know what? Fuck the goalies in this whole thing. Because there's like no pressure on them whatsoever. You know what I mean? It's like, I can't say that I'll get in trouble. I want to keep my wife happy. All right, I can't say that, but you can figure that one out. You know, one person has pressure. Like all they do is guess. Nobody gets mad if it's supposed to go in. All of the stress is on the fucking shooter. And you know, somebody's going to blow it. Somebody's going to hit a post.

Somebody's going to hit it high. Somebody's going to have the gold tender. Guess right. 50, 50, he guesses right. So I'm watching this shit. I believe when Italy scored, then England scored, then England made the save and Wembley stadium is going fucking crazy. Fucking crazy. I guess they hadn't won it since 1966. And I was like, holy shit. And I was actually kind of relieved for the Italian supporters there because they took an ass kick and going in and the game didn't even start, right? So they, they shoot a few more and then England fucks it up. They fucking hit a post or something. Now it's tied again. They go a couple of more fucking rounds. Italy fucks up again. Holy shit. Wembley stadium's

going crazy again. Then England fucks up again. Italy scores. And then on their final fucking shot kick, whatever you say, they send a fucking 19 year old kid to go out there and evidently somebody older could have stepped up. All right. I don't know why. So they send this kid there. He kicks it. The goalie guess is right. I believe that's what happened. He saves it. And this kid put his head in his hands and then pulled his shirt up over his face and just started crying. And then they cut to the Italians going crazy because they won. And I was just sitting there and I was just sitting there going like, oh my God, that's a 19 year old kid. This is the worst fucking sporting event I've seen since I saw Kenny Perry lose it in front of his

family. So congratulations to Italy. Congratulations to England getting all the way there. I mean, it just fucking, you know, from the tweets I was reading, I hope you guys don't fuck up your city too bad. That's, I don't never understood that. You then fuck up your own city. It's probably because they tax you so much. It's always something, you know, it's like when Vancouver connects loss to the Bruins, the Stanley Cup and all of a sudden they fucking start fucking up their own city. You know, as Michael Moore sits there, it's a utopia up there. Everybody feels happy. I don't know, man. I can't, I get it now. I get it. It's fucking amazing. It's an amazing thing to have. I mean, it's crazy enough over here where it's city versus city. This is country versus

country. So it just brings out all kinds of fucking world history. Like I was literally sitting there and watching, watching those poor fans getting the shit kicked out of them as they walked into the stadium and you just see it right there. It's like, this is why these people all have to be on the same currency. They all have to be the slaves to the same fucking bank because if they're not, this is what happens. They're too close together. You know, they're a victim of, of fucking history. You know what I mean? All of those people that were over there were over there since caveman times when there was no travel. So those little clans of people and they came up with their own goddamn customs. They all fucked each other. So everybody sort of looks alike and it just became

teams. And then, then the fucking car, the plane, the train and all of that shit came about and he got all these different tribes. They're all fucking bumping up against each other. It's just too much friction over there. I mean, look what the fuck happened over here and there was plenty of room. Anyway, so I'm glad I watched it and everything. I understand it way more. It's a beautiful game to watch. There was some idiots, you know, follow me on Twitter. I think that I actually mean all that shit that I was saying. When did England get a new flag? I was just being a dick. It was, you know what it was? This is what fucked up I am, is I said my money's on England. Okay. And then I got all these positive remarks from fucking people from England.

And I was like, all right. And then I felt like I was betraying my old man, Italian friends over here. I just didn't, the whole fucking thing didn't feel right. Then on the Irish people jumped. I thought you were fucking Irish. My gosh, I can't fucking win over here, right? So then once I heard, you know, it's coming home or whatever the slogan was, that just reminded me of the New York Yankees. Whenever they win an ESPN literally goes in, all is right in baseball. I've never understood that. I understand that expression from a Yankee fan. I don't get it from like a news media 24 hours sports outlet. Like, so you think when my team or any of the other 30 fucking teams win, like something's wrong,

aren't you supposed to hide that bias? So anyway, I really enjoyed it. I hated the ending and I felt so fucking bad that it's just for that kid, man. And I feel bad for that kid. And I guess people are right in racist shit because there's just a bunch of moron cowards out there that are real fucking, you know, I don't know, fucking meatheads, just fucking meatheads. It's weird, man. You just would think that that shit would just go away. Like how many fucking examples do you need? Like every fucking race has their geniuses, their amazing people, their good shits, their regular people, and their cunts and their serial killers. Everybody's got them. Don't understand that way. Hey, our cunts are better than your cunts.

All right. Anyway, let's get into the advertising here for this week. I haven't even talked half of this shit here. Jesus Christ, man, me explaining, even me explaining a soccer game took 25 minutes. Did you guys take a 10 minute nap in the middle of that? So anyway, I'm still dropping weight, still going to the gym. I was 189.8. I'm now down to 185.2. I wanted to lose three pounds of weight. I just, a week, I just realized I have too many other commitments and my metabolism is too slow. Metabolabolabolism at this fucking age that two pounds a week is all I can do. And I've learned to stop giving myself stressful goals. You know, I used to fucking watch all the time fast and loud with Richard Rawlings and every,

the guy would always go, okay, I just bought a Greyhound bus. We're going to turn this thing into a fucking, I don't know, a dining car for a fucking i-hop. And the guy wants it by Thursday. And I used to always just watch that show like, why the fuck did they do this? I get businesses business, but then I understood after a while, it's like, you know, it makes the show exciting. You know, if you're not just into cars, if you put a clock up against it, it gives it a sense of urgency. You know, them versus the clock, where if it was just a bunch of guys that knew what the fuck they were doing, building a car with enough time, then only people who enjoyed people that are great mechanics and painters and bodywork guys, I still would have watched it. The fucking

Food Network did that. These are just show people cooking. It was great. And all of a sudden it's just like, we got it. We got to add stress so people will watch. Here's some yogurt. Make a poached egg. How do I do that? I don't know. You got three minutes. Fuck. And they just start running around the kitchen. It's really fucking stupid. So anyway, I am, I'm down to 185.2. So I'm just going to do two pounds a week and rather than being down to my, all the way down where I wanted to be by the beginning of September, it might take me to mid-October, but that's all right. As long as I'm moving in the right direction, it's been great to get back to the gym and whatnot. And yeah, that's been a, it's been a good thing. You know, I don't know. We went out on, we went out on

Saturday night and we, I had a little stuff to eat. I shouldn't have fucking ate, but I've been good all week. But then, and then me and my wife went to this place. I got the hiccups now and watched the Conor McGregor versus Dustin Poirier fight, which had sucked the way it ended. I was rooting for Conor McGregor because I really wanted, I hate when an older, he's not like 32, but when an older great fighter loses, I just hate that thing where all of these people on Twitter who haven't had a fight since like fucking junior high, like me all of a sudden. Yeah, you got your fucking ass kicked. They start talking shit to somebody like that. I just hate that. Are they, you know, I always just feel like, you know, certain people, so even like certain announcers,

you know, they enjoy when the champ gets knocked off his throne because I think this is still a lot of people that just can't handle like how badass like, I mean, that's the most badass thing ever. Man or woman, you just walk into a fucking arena to fight and you come out victorious. I don't give a fuck what anybody in the crowd did. Nobody is cooler than that. You know, you got to go to like somebody who was like a war hero to beat that. So, you know, I don't know. I just probably wasn't woke. I probably should have said something about women there. I don't know. Anyway, so I was rooting for Conor McGregor plus I'm an old guy, you know, so I'm gonna see the older guy win. I like Dustin Poirier and I figure this kid's got his whole career ahead of him and then I

realized, oh fuck, he's 32 also. It's kind of weird. So I don't know. So then I ate a bet with my wife. Do I have just, I'll tell you right now, if you want a fucking sports system, I used to be able to call games. Before I had kids, I could call games. I just can't watch enough now and I can't pick a, I haven't picked a fucking, I'm like the mush in Bronx Tale. I haven't picked a fucking winner. I don't know when. Just right and left. So I bet Conor McGregor, she bet Dustin Poirier and my wife's hilarious. When she watches the UFC, she is out. When it starts getting exciting, she gets out of her seat and is fucking walking around the room screaming at the TV like she

fucking loses it. She's like, knees, knees, elbows. Yes. Yes. She just fucking, she fucking goes crazy. So we were in a public place and she was doing that. People just like laughing. You know, it's just funny to see a woman do that. If I do it, I'm just a loudmouth asshole, but she does it. It's just like, Jesus Christ, sleep with one eye open. They have freckles. So anyway, just sucked away the fight. End of the head, end on like injury. I was kind of hoping, I wanted to see that second round to see what would have happened. Everybody seems to like know what was going to happen or whatever, but

you know, all Conor was coming back or, you know, Dustin would have knocked him out. It's like, yeah, we don't know now. So I actually felt bad for Conor when he was sitting there. I know he's yelling all kinds of fucked up shit at Dustin, but it was just like, you know, I don't know what that's like to be just like how I can be a comedian until I fucking keel over where these guys have like a window and it must feel as great to them to do what they do as it does for what I do. And I can't imagine if my whole fucking standup career was over 32. Now what the fuck am I going to do? So I feel he was a little bit in that head. Plus, I think he was still trying to sell, you know, sell like the next fight, but Jesus Christ, your wife is in my DMs. Jesus.

And Dustin said, yeah, he was grabbing my gloves. He's a dirtbag. I mean, that's the first time I felt like I saw like, because they usually say all kinds of crazy shit. And then afterwards, they're so nice. That's the only time I can really remember where it sounded like pre fight hype. Now either the two of them are the greatest, you know, promoters ever. But I like people going, he went too far. You don't say things about his wife. What the fuck are you talking about? They say all kinds of crazy or like, you know, he said he was going to murder me. It's like, well, you didn't say he was going to eat your children. He didn't say he was going to fuck you until you love me. You know, there's a lot much crazier shit has been said than that.

Um, he's selling the fight. He's selling the fight and he's Conor McGregor. And if you fight him, you make all my fucking recorder crapped out on me, thought I had a charge. What the hell was they talking about? I had to sit here and watch fucking. I don't want the fuck I was watching grizzly bears murdering other animals. Those dumb fucks. I didn't want what I was talking about. How come bears, this is going to be, you guys like, what the fuck are we talking about now? Sorry. Like a half hour went by in my life. I just don't understand why bears don't know how to kill something quickly and efficiently. They're fucking morons. Just fucking just clamped down. They clamped down on the back of the neck.

Just keep yanking, yanking, yanking, fucking deer. Everything's screaming in agony. It's like just fucking kill the thing. Start eating before it's dead, but the fuck is wrong? I don't know. I used to really like bears. I still like bears. I, I think, I, you know, must have been an arrogant human statement. Like I think they, they should live. I heard they're making a comeback in Tennessee. You know, which is fucking amazing considering the way everybody's packing out in that fucking state. If I was a bear, I'd go to Nashville. A lot of liberals just moved out there. They could be some fucking fast food if you know what I mean. I'm just not into guns. I just think we

should all, what the fuck is that? Whatever the fucking noise that thing makes. Oh my God. He must go into shock. I don't know. Leonardo DiCaprio didn't seem like he went into shock when that thing was biting fucking meat out of his back. My God. I know it was a movie, but you know what I mean? It was based on a, wasn't it based on something true? I don't know. Anyways, I, I think my fucking toes coming back. I was chasing my daughter this morning. That's what I do. I chase my kids. They love it. And then they turn around. They want to chase me. So my daughter's getting bigger. She's getting faster. So I used to be able to turn the corner before she saw me. I could die behind the couch and she wouldn't see me and she'd do another lap

around and then I jump out and I scare her. So I went to do the move and she saw me and she caught me. So this time I came running around and I'm looping around and then I went to make a left and there was some stairs. You know, we take one step down into this next room and I was wearing slippers and as I was approaching the stairs, I turned back to see if she was going to see me and I basically skied down these stairs and fucking my left foot hit first on the big toe. Oh, really the three toes, the big toe and the two backup dancers to the big toe, the next, the next two, right? And fucking, uh, yeah, I was just down. And it was like, it hurts so bad. It took like a minute

before it just felt like I just stub three toes really bad, which is the worst. So I was laying down and, um, you know, my wife didn't think I was hurt that bad. She's just looking at me like, oh, great. Now I have to watch both the kids because you're running and I told you not to run. And then, you know, once my toe, I think, once my toe turned purple, she finally was like, oh, shit, you really fucked yourself up. It's like, well, I said I did. You know, it's amazing if my wife, Jesus, I just looked at it for the first time. Wow. I love you. Do you think you broke it? Do you think you broke your toe? What am I going to get a toe cast? I don't know. I hope not.

Why am I such a dick? They're just trying to help me out. What are you going to do? What is going on here? Is this thing shut off again? No, it didn't. All right, let's get through this here. I don't even know how much time I did. I did like a half hour, I think. Let's do another half hour. I think I should be good for this thing. It shuts off. All right, let's do a couple of reads here. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's old zip. That pause was so long a grizzly bear could almost kill something. Recent data shows that out of all the female owned businesses, it is estimated that one in three is owned by a mom. Look at that. What are they bitching about?

One in three businesses is owned by a mom and she gets all the dad's money. I mean, what the? That's like when in both showcases. Ever wonder how these amazing moms and dads find time to hire them for their businesses while juggling their families with zip recruiter? And right now you can try it for free. Only at zip.com slash burr. CEO and founder, Talia Goldstein is one such mom preneura. Besides being a mother of two, her personalized matchmaking company three day rule is constantly growing and she needs to hire several matchmakers a month. So she uses zip recruiter zip recruiter is powerful technology, helps her find the people with the right experience and actively invites them to apply.

But Talia is not the only employer who loves zip four to five of employers who post on zip recruiter, get a quality candidate within the first first day. And right now you can try zip recruiter for free at this web address zip recruiter.com slash burr. This special offer is only good at zip recruiter.com slash burr zip. The smartest way to hire. All right, there we go. So there's your advertising is my recorder still on. Oh, we are in business. All right. Business dreams. Dear Billy one two. I don't see it ever happening. Well, Jesus, there's a way to fucking start a dream. I don't see it ever happening. But I always dreamed about what it would be like to own a small bait and tackle shop on a lake, coffee and paper at five

a.m. People coming in asking how they're biting sounds perfect. What should dream business you'll probably never own. Well, first of all, let's go back to your little dream. I always dreamed about what it's like to own a small bait and tackle shop on a lake coffee and the paper at five a.m. Is that you or you would sell that to people coming in asking how they're biting. You know, it's cool about that is like you'd be done working by like it. No one comes in to buy bait at like noon, right? But he got to hang around after they didn't get shit. You know, I feel like fishermen and golfers are the same thing. They're always blaming their equipment. You could just say you get this reel over here,

man, they'd be jumping into your fucking boat. Are you serious? I'm serious. So then a fucking fat woman playing the organ in a fucking bathroom. People coming in asking how they're biting sounds perfect. Yeah, I like that, man. I like the sound of a quiet life. I will be honest with you. You know, I always think, you know, if I had kids earlier, you know, well, they'd be all fucked up because I was pretty fucked up back then. So I had kids when I was supposed to have. But if I had them earlier, they'd be getting out of the house. They'd be out of the house by now. I'm 53. I could really, you know, I would be working out like how the fuck I was going to get out

of this business. Or maybe it's just, you're just always tired when you have kids. I don't know what it is. You just get they just dad, dad, daddy, dad, dad, dad, that's like, you know, I don't know what it is, but that quiet life. Okay. What's your dream business you'll probably never own? Oh, well, shit. Me and Paul Verzi talk about owning a cigar bar, like buying like a strip mall and just having like, you know, like, you have like a fucking cigar bar, a pizza place, and then like a barbershop. Go down there, get something to eat, you get haircut, you fucking have a cigar, whatever. I don't know. I kind of looked into like owning a cigar bar. I'm like, it gets real really quickly. And it's not even the

cost of buying a building or renting a place, and then furnishing it with all of the shit. It's the cigars. And like how that works, like I heard if you if you get in business with Davidoff, you have to take on all of their cigars. So then I'm just like, well, what does that mean? You know what I mean? So, so I guess what you're saying is like, that thing that you probably wouldn't make any money off of. But you would just enjoy being around that. Yeah, I think like a cigar bar. I really love those places. I like how quiet they are. And I like when they get loud, it's only because something funny is happening or so they're talking about sports. It's just a, you know, it's a tremendous, tremendous place.

See, was there anything else? I think back in the day when I was a kid, I wanted to own like a like a sporting good store. Because I just love sports so much, I just thought it'd be cool to be fuck have a store and there's a bunch of, you know, bats, balls, gloves, hockey equipment, all of that shit, workout stuff. I still love the big five out here. I love going in there. I love the smell of a sporting good store. You always smell like rubber. I don't know what what that is. It used to be like the floor mats or whatever you just walk in. For some reason, I just heard the sound, you know, like jingling of the bell when you came in. By the way, speaking of the amount of shit that is electric that didn't need to be electric. Now that like cities are becoming like

130 degrees and people are still questioning whether, you know, we're having an effect on all of this. But I'm positive that we're going to figure it out. Because if I don't, I'll have my head in the oven, which would actually be good for the environment, which is an old duck stand open. Killing yourself is the greenest thing you could ever do. I fucking love that joke. Anyway, yeah, I don't know. I think at my age, I actually think that if you could just help out other people in a quiet way, if you could just do it in a quiet way and not be fucking parading around like, look what I'm doing, because that always ruins it. You know what I mean?

I wish people that got money would then help people out who didn't have money that deserved it rather than, you know, some money grubbing fucking piece of shit. Maybe there's a business. You could start a fucking business where you vetted people. For people who had money that wanted to help out people but didn't have the fucking time to figure out if this person was a dirtbag who actually is just lazy and doesn't want to fucking work as opposed to somebody who was working their ass off and, you know, God knows what happened beyond the pandemic that got him into a situation. Something like that. I don't know. One of those two things. Things I should have said. I'll tell you jobs I used to

want to have. Like, I always wanted to drive a tow truck. Be that guy in the back of a the ladder fire engine, you know, that steers all the way in the back. Be a milkman. Drive one of those big fucking trucks. I wanted to be a truck driver. Garbage man, mailman. All the jobs I saw. Well, people, you got some sort of a car and it just are a truck and it just fucking looked fun. And then I did some of those jobs like this fucking job sucks. Like construction. I tried doing that once. Oh my God. I just was not, I wasn't good at it. And then it's just like, holy shit. I don't think I ever ate so much. I would bring like fucking three sandwiches and I was still dropping weight. Did I just start a new

fad diet? The construction diet, you know, construction workers are great. They're really not great shit, but a lot of them are. You know, I did three sets of carrying two by fours. All right, things I should have said. Number one, Hey, Billy, button bulges. I love fat shame and keep it coming. I was at my best friend's wedding when my boss made a comment about me. Oh, wow. You got a little drunk. Got a little drunk. Quick background. My best friend's older brother had a buddy whose dad used to run a pizza shop out here in the AFC East. Okay. All right. Wait a minute. I already got lost because that I don't know what the fuck I just

started thinking about. I think I was still thinking about businesses. All right. Is that a best friend's wedding when my old boss, old boss made a comment about you. Oh, quick background. My best friend's older brother had a buddy whose dad used to run a pizza shop out here in the AFC East. They have since sold the business, so we are not trashing them in any way. Most of the people working at the pizza shop were friends from school. Oh, she's going to say, or he's going to say some fucked up shit about this pizza parlor. Most of the people working at the pizza shop were friends from school. This was just a high school job that we all took to make some extra cash. Anyway, I was a back room guy since I was

only 16 with no car yet. So I could wash clean and prep the pizza cut, cut the tomato shit like that. Obviously at 16, I knew my calling wasn't going to be a pizza boy my whole life. Fast forward to the wedding, the old owner of the pizza shop. Oh, I assumed that the boss was a guy. Oh, so for a look at this, look at her being fucking a little Harriet Weinstein here. I went over to say hi, talk about the old pizza shop since it's sold by the time we're at the wedding. The owner had a few jack and coax and in front of the whole table put his arm around me and said, Oh, it is a guy said, I'm not going to lie, buddy. You were my worst employee by far. The whole table laughed at the comment. Side note, I was the best

man at the wedding. So the table was filled with the groom's family and friends. I never got in trouble at the pizza shop. But my two day there, I broke the tomato by my second day there. My second day there, I broke the tomato slicer by mistake. I forced a bigger one through and it just jammed after that. I assumed maybe that's why he said it. I still don't know why he said it. He might have just been breaking your balls. I'm 33 now. And that it happened four years ago and out of respect, I just brushed off the comment at the time. However, I wish I had said something quick with it. Like, well, I guess you dropped the ball when you hired me or something like that. Nah. Nah, whatever. He's just breaking your balls. That's just guy shit, right? I gotta tell you,

you were my worst employee by far. And he should have been like, Yeah, I gotta tell you something, man. That was the worst pizza I ever had. So you hired the right guy. Am I right, fellas? Who's getting that dick wet tonight? Dumb shit you say to wedding. Sorry, being extra gross here. Anyway, I got a wife, a great wife and a son who's eight months and a daughter who's going to be four November. Look at you. Congratulations. I'm a banker cunt, so I definitely progressed from the pizza shop days. I got nothing to complain about, but I think about this a lot and I see him from time to time. And now I introduce myself as employee of the month. When I see him, that's good. See you rolled with it. Hope to see you soon. Go

bills out bills. The new Kings of the AFC East with Josh Allen. Exciting things going on in Buffalo out there in, well, fucking War Memorial Stadium, whatever you guys play. All right, number two, two, two, two. Hey, Billy, cue ball. Back when I was a senior in high school in 2017, I was taking a class that was for seniors who were preparing to go off to college. On this particular day, we were talking about how we go about things with roommates. I guess college roommates. My teacher brought up this situation about if you walked in on your roommate having sex and she asked, what would we do or say? And I just abruptly yelled, tag me in. Then a girl replied with, who would want to sleep with you? Oh, Jesus. He says, oh man,

so you got it. You must have got a laugh. Oh, you should have been like you. If I had enough money, you dumb cunt. But you never think to say that. Anyway, I have thought about that since the day it happened. I wish I told the dumb bitch to go fuck herself. I still think about things I should have said. What do you think I should have said? You should have laughed because you know something? She listened to that story and put her, you listen to the story and you put yourself into it, right? Hey, tag me in. So then she put herself into it and she's the woman getting banged by this guy and some guy walks in and said, I got next. So that's what she just got. And sometimes she's got to understand where people are coming from. It's better that she didn't say

anything. And who knows? She's only four years out of high school. You might bang this broad someday. Okay. So next time I'd see her, I'd be a sweetheart. You know, tell her she looks good even if she doesn't, you know, take it to go see one of those. Who's that bumbling English guy there? He does a romantic comedy. He's taking it to one of those and see what happens. I think he did the right thing. You left out the part when you said tag me in like you didn't get a fucking big laugh. I think it was so funny. She got into her feelings there. So I think that one's a victory. You know what I mean? I think you scored the game winning goal. And then who was that guy who cross-checked that guy after he scored the goal in the playoff? Dale Hunter. He kind of

Dale Hunter'd you with the who would want to sleep with you. Checked you into the boards. All right. Things I should not have said. Things I should not have said. Hey, Red Velvet Bill. I don't even know what that means, but that just sounds creepy. Where am I before my battery runs out? Okay, I got like eight minutes left here. Okay, here we go. When I was in the ninth grade, I had a health teacher who was an asshole. He was mainly a track coach. So he didn't give a shit about his classes and would talk down to anybody who wasn't in track. Oh, Jesus. That was great description. I already hate this guy. One day I had to stay after school and make up for an assignment. I failed because it was a group project and the

partner didn't care or do their work. I tried to explain it to him, but he said, it sounds like, sounds like that's a personal problem. So I just stared at him until he went, what? And I just said, you're a dick. Nice. He proceeded to give a 50% on every assignment for the rest of the year and failed me. I didn't give a shit about having to retake a class, but my mom wouldn't help get me a license for all of high school for failing a class. So I had to wait until I was 19 to get one. Wow. Old school parenting there. Should have kept my mouth shut and done his assignment, so I wouldn't have to ask for so many rides. Thanks for everything you do and go fuck yourself. No, you know something? Fuck that guy. He's a dick and he didn't give a shit. He had a really

important job teaching people. So he is a dick and you told him, that's good. You said what you felt. You got your license now. It gives a shit. You got a great story. Good for you. You stand by that one. All right. Number two, a Billy butter cheeks. You fucking cunts. I just wanted to get this off my chest. A few years ago, I was working in Arizona and the company provided me and my two roommates with an apartment. One roommate was a dude who I got along with. The other was an insufferable lady who never shut up and thought she was way funnier than she actually was. Well, that's fun to be around. Needless to say, she annoyed the shit out of me. Oh boy. In this nice ass apartment, my room happened to have a balcony connected to it. It was the sole property of

my room. You could not get to it except by walking through my room. One night, I had a few friends over and we went to the balcony to have a few drinks and a smoke. All of a sudden, this bitch appears on my balcony and says, oh, this is where you all are. To clarify, she walked through my room. I'm already feel fuming. Wow. This is a really nice balcony, she said. And here's the thing I shouldn't have said. Fuck that. Fuck that. You should go hard here. You should go hard here. He said, here's the thing I shouldn't have said. He said, she says, wow, this is a really nice balcony. So I say, yes, it is. And it's connected to my room. So in the future, don't come here unless you're invited. Well, dude, I mean, that's maybe because

you said it in front of all those people, I think I think it was fucking great. All my friends looked at me like I was the reincarnation of Hitler. It was so silent, I could hear them thinking, did I just hear this motherfucker right? Well, because they didn't know the backstory. All she said was fuck you too. Well, fuck her, man. Loudmouth twat. Don't ever walk through your bedroom. Look, I don't even know these people, but the way you guys describe them, I just side with you guys, all right? And walked away. I spent an hour apologizing. The apartment was tense for the rest of the job. Oh, you apologized. That's the part you shouldn't have said. No, so this is where you are. Don't fucking walk through my, look, you shouldn't have said it in

front of you. You should have taken her side. I said, listen, do me a favor. I, you know, I don't walk into your room. Please don't walk into my room. Oh my God. Oh my God. That reminds me of one time, a long time ago, this promoter would just walk into the green room. I did a run of dates and just go, hello, hello. Or just go knock, knock, and then we'll just walk in and start talking. It's like, who raised you? Who the fuck raised you? That's, that's like, that's not how you enter a room. If people are talking, am I crazy? Oh my God. That drove me up the fucking wall. Hello, hello. Knock, knock. Oh my God. And I didn't say anything because I didn't, I knew I was too angry a person back then. Now I could have just solved it after one night. Just say, you do me

a favor. Rather than saying knock, knock, or just yelling hello, hello from down the hall, I would appreciate it that if I'm in mid conversation with the other comedian, you would politely knock and wait till we said come in. Oh, that just felt good saying that. You know, sometimes you just, you know, the other person doesn't know. So that one person I just was talking about, they weren't an asshole. I just didn't know how to fucking communicate. And see people, when you take responsibility, ladies, listen to this, when you take, when you take responsibility for your actions, you can then try to find a solution. I don't know, but this isn't, this isn't a big time for that, is it?

That doesn't seem, oh, Bill, quit your fucking whining. You're doing great. You're on the road. You're selling tickets. You're going up there wearing a little silk shirt, you know, to cover your blubber. People don't know that you wear a silk shirt. It hides like 30 pounds. Joking. It actually doesn't. I don't even know if it does. I don't know any silk shirts. I just wanted to put that fucking rumor out there so people would start doing it. What it really does is attract attention to the, you know, the part of the body you're trying to hide. Oh, Billy, big shirt for another couple of weeks. Oh, Billy hooded sweatshirt. Hey, Bill, it's July. I don't want to talk about it. Next question.

Did anybody see that thing that guy did on one of the Instagrams at TikTok, where he imitated a coach after losing like a big playoff game, but he was just acting like a dad? You know, like what happened out there? He's just going like, well, you know, we just, I just felt like we were behind at the beginning of the day, you know, crayon on the wall and something like that. The guy does it fucking perfectly. It's amazing. Amazing piece of comedy. All right, that's it. That's the podcast, everybody. Once again, congratulations to Italy. England. Sorry, you got that close, man. It fucking sucks, but go easy on that kid, man. It's a 19 year old kid. He's got his whole life ahead of him. All right, don't take out your

fucking childhood on this kid and don't fucking say a bunch of ignorant shit because you were raised by ignorant people. Break the fucking cycle. Okay. Be a Grinch. Grow a fucking heart. You know, bring the Christmas tree back. Don't be a cunt. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.