Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-11

Episode Date: July 18, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about San Jose, Red Heads, and the ESPYS.

NO HUNGER Traditions and habits, but not elsewhere, my mom is always pick amazing guys paas p sint sos of cift e chocolate crafted delays in the promo reporter see hipink on my larch van alles neem ik die om ein només crushing van on zeer zalig paasen

Ramadham oe Berk Geniet van paasen en ramadan met het verrassend en diverse assortiment van Albertty very you can see Cherance Buckner her den tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein pur that is it lekkers van Albert take hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday july 18th 2011 keep in mind that jesus christ has died for us and his brother why is that song in my head i still remember the guy who sang it back when i was a lad and i went to church oh jesus i would tell you guys that shit i was actually an altar boy

i dressed up like a little angel and i sat there and i rang the bells and i uh what did i hold i held some sort of something when people took communion i hold that little gold spatula case i don't know what the little wafer fell out that represented uh the flesh of another human being which if you really look at it is pretty fucking disgusting um this is the monday morning podcast and i'm taping this sunday night i'm recording this by myself in a hotel room in a wonderful downtown san josei i just wrapped up my weekend at the san josei improv obviously it's not like i'd be working the one in houston if i was there you ever just hate yourself i just really hated myself in that moment um

for even attempting to make that joke oh fuck you of all your are all your jokes good huh it's just the monday morning every fucking joke is funny podcast i never said that you got to have the bad ones so it's so that you can compare them to the good ones you would know what a fucking good joke was if i didn't tell such a bad joke there all right so stand down mr uh you're all grumpy at me because you forgot to crack your windows and now you're sitting there in your car and your dashboard is all fucking hot you're all heated up so now you're giving me shit i don't need it buddy i don't fucking need it um so anyway it's beautiful downtown san josei and uh it's a really lovely town it's a very it's a town that really um i don't know there's a big

time misdirection with this town because it looks like mayberry but you can get fucked up at 10 in the morning in san josei and this is i'm just i don't have any evidence of that that's just the vibe i don't know what it is they've got all these great stores all these great great restaurants they have a trolley okay i'm a classic white guy nothing makes a white guy feel safe like a trolley the second we see a trolley i don't know we start picturing butterflies and flowers and a gazebo maybe you got a trolley that's quaint you know how am i going to get fucked up in such a quaint atmosphere well i don't know i don't i don't understand san josei they have a fucking homeless problem out here the likes of which i haven't seen since the last time i went to san francisco

which is oddly right up the street maybe they took the trolley over um ah that really made me laugh i hope you enjoyed it because i sure did um anyways anyways uh some of the i'll tell you something right now you know fucking san francisco and san josei have some of the dirtiest most filthiest fucking homeless people i've ever seen in my life i was talking about this on stage tonight i might as well share it with you right i understand your homeless you live outside i understand that you're gonna be dirty but these fucking people it's like it's like they walked out of the dust bowl i don't think it doesn't seem possible to be as dirty as these people it's like dirt it's not grime from the city they have like clay on their face they

look like boxcar willy like old school homeless like it's like they walk outside the city they find a bunch of dirt is that my phone ringing that's probably somebody telling me to shut the fuck up i'm being too loud watch this hello hey i'm doing the podcast i thought you were the person in the next room over telling me to shut up say hello to the podcast listeners could you guys hear that i couldn't even tell all right let me let me call you when i'm done with this shit okay all right bye bye um i could have hit pause anyways what i was i was talking about those dirty filthy ass fucking homeless people it's like they go outside the city they go into the woods and they just roll around the dirt and then they come back in they're fucking horrific looking

but i had such a great time here this i'm telling you you gotta come down if you're anywhere near san jose uh downtown san jose now that i have shit all over it um the improv it's at this beautiful old theater i remember last time i was here they were saying how old it was how charlie chaplin used to perform there and you know buster keaton and all these guys so and of course it's haunted right they're always haunted um but no one can ever get it on video so anyways i don't know either just amazing crowd showed up all week and i had a great fucking time out of it i gotta tell you this place creeps me out you know i was i took a walk there's this great new drums uh shop out here san jose pro drum shop i believe i went down there and it was like a mile away from uh my hotel so i decide

all right i'm i'm kind of sick of working out jesus look at the fucking tits on her wow wow jesus christ who the fuck is that it's kate upton who the fuck is kate upton channel 112 sorry i got the tv on in the background what a fucking rack oh god bless her jesus christ anyways oh let me talk about what's on the tv here planet of the apes the prequel is on is is coming out it's coming out and fucking i don't know in august and i was all excited to see this goddamn movie remember when i hyped it a few fucking months ago and i was saying how insane this looks and how i can't wait to see it and guaranteed it was gonna be a blockbuster then i found out was pg-13 and i was like you gotta be your shit how to fuck

our apes taken over the world pg-13 can somebody explain that to me i was saying that to me i go i don't want to see it now she goes what do you mean you don't want to see it i don't want to see it she goes why i gotta say because it's pg-13 she goes so what i go it should be rated r she goes jesus christ what do you want to see monkeys fucking i butchered it i wish she'd said it on the podcast it would have been the line of the fucking week um but can you guys back me on that one i'm still gonna go see it but that means like rather than having like showing what a monkey can do to you you saw what happened that lady she got her face ripped off they're not gonna show that now because it's pg-13 they

fucking alligator arm because they want to try to get families to go out and go see it can we make the apes a little less angry can we just this is like the industry notes they probably showed up with this awesome rated r fucking script and then the goddamn suits just butchered the shit out of it i'd like to say something i'd like to contribute something even though i don't have something to add i just feel like this meeting's gonna come to a close and if i don't speak at this moment there's no way for me to justify my desk ah they've ruined it you fucking cunts anyways i'm still gonna go see it can somebody any listener out there please explain to me how if apes overran the fucking world how the hell that would be pg-13 even if they just

showed the footage on the news you would have that guy going just to warn you this is very graphic you cut it to a bunch of people getting their fucking faces ripped off pg-13 let me guess there's gonna be one nice ape right it's gonna save james franco then they're gonna probably sing a duet by the end of it that's a pg-13 movie you know have some fucking balls pg-13 that's that's pussy rated r all right and if i was ever elected okay if i was ever elected that's one of the first things i would do away with aside from hunting down bankers i would have like legal you know i have like deer hunting season i would have like banker you know killing me just shoot him in the ass with a bb gun just something some sort of a pushback

on our side so anyways what the fuck was i talking about here oh san jose so i'm out here i'm having a great time this dirty filthy fucking homeless people so i was right let me let me meander back to where the hell where the hell i was about five minutes ago so i'm on my way over to uh the san jose uh pro drum shop and i see that it's like a mile away all right so i'm not into working out anymore i think it's fucking stupid i'm into exercising staying active stretching walking that type of shit but sitting there lifting weights up going on an elliptical for an hour doesn't make any goddamn sense to me i think in the short run it makes you look good but all you're doing is wearing out your joints you know if you quit eating quarter ponder with cheese you don't have to

fucking go on that thing look at people back in the day how goddamn skinny they were they didn't have any ellipticals they they fucking ran around outside with their dog until i got rabies and then they stuck in an outhouse and eventually they made the oldest kid shoot it for some fucking reason that's what they did they didn't sit around eating cookies the size of your face so anyways i'm like this shit's only like i don't like a mile away so i'll walk over there i'll see what they got and then uh then i'll walk back that'll be a two mile walk and then i'll go get a salad like a and that'll be my day i'll be all right so i walk over there i don't have any problems all right have a great time fucking drum shop is beautiful all kinds of people over there helping

me out i had a great fucking time bought some drumsticks and i left and on the way back i'm on the phone i'm making some calls i'm making some moves because i'm a player right i'm calling whatever i'm talking to some fucking person trying to figure out why i didn't have more media here in san jose that's basically what i'm doing and as i'm walking down the street all of a sudden i see this fucking lady walking towards me all right she didn't look like she was on meth but she didn't look like she wasn't on meth she didn't look like a hooker but she didn't look like you know maybe she didn't suck a dick every once in a while for 20 bucks she's one of those maybe people right so immediately my inner sort of uh defense system kicked in and the first thing when you look at

somebody crazy you kind of look to see if they have a weapon and once you see that they don't you then kind of maybe glance around to see if they have a partner right no partner coast is clear and then there's the last thing you got to worry about don't get scratched so i'm walking and she's fucking diagonally coming towards me as i'm on the phone she's going excuse me sir well actually let me let me do it correctly with the audio she's far away walking towards me excuse me sir excuse me excuse me sir and i just keep walking right by sir excuse me excuse me sir and i walk right by her you know just blow her off and i just keep fucking walking trying to figure out why i didn't have enough radio to sell more tickets here in san jose and then all of a sudden

she yells at me you can at least acknowledge me which of course kicked into my temper and i immediately turned around i was like i'm on the fucking phone right which immediately struck me as funny because that used to be that conversation used to only happen indoors that was like an indoor conversation but now because of technology the fact that i was walking on a sidewalk under a fucking overpass i can actually scream i'm on the phone and it felt like oddly intimate like i had a relationship with this person you know it really pissed me off was at that point when she got me to flip out she completely ignored me so now i wanted to be acknowledged and she totally turned the tables on me which i got to tell you is one of the easiest things to do is turn the tables on somebody who

has a fucking temper that's happened to me my entire goddamn life and i'm in a very torturous part of my life where you know back in the day i didn't realize that that's what was happening so i had that ignore it is bliss moment but uh now it's a torturous time because i am completely aware of what a fucking fool i am so if you're listening to this lady congratulations to you you won that round um oh and speaking of ladies uh how about the world cup uh women's final did anybody watch that it was fucking devastating as a fan of us women's soccer that i became when i found out that they were in the finals i gotta tell you went down to a sports bar and i had an unbelievable time watching that game it was a fucking awesome game it was heartbreaking and that type of shit

to see them lose it and uh a lot of hotties on the team too a lot a lot of fucking good-looking girls they're little thick thighs and they're fucking tanned up legs you know was hoping they were gonna win it but uh wasn't meant to be and congratulations to the women's soccer team from japan uh you guys play an awesome game you never said die came back and i gotta tell you that fucking corner kick when they scored that second goal how do you defend against that that was fucking insane insane goal and uh you know whatever obviously i'm rooting for the u.s ladies but uh it was good if anybody was gonna win it it was good for japan all the shit that they've been through this year so now that i've patted them on the back i have to ask the japanese people

a question what the fuck was with all those teen wolf haircuts all the women had on your team can you explain those fucking haircut like five of them i swear to god every time i saw it from behind i thought it was michael j foxe unfucking believable so there's no excuse for it either back in the day you know if you lived in the middle of nowhere or you lived on the other side of the world and you weren't up on what the style was i could see you having a teen wolf haircut and not realizing that uh the last person to have that haircut was i think maybe denis miller or one of the last episodes he kind of got away with rocking the mullet for a long fucking time that guy um but now there's the internet there's really no excuse it wasn't all the ladies on the team but

there was like five of them it was like what the fuck i don't know what was i supposed to do just a hundred percent congratulate him go fuck yourselves everybody gets shit on this goddamn podcast as did i somebody gave me shit on twitter said they came out to see my show so i saw bill burr at the improv and uh it was one hour of the exact same joke i somehow missed the funny part and i gotta tell you that one really stung you know why because i think she was right i just fucking went off on this goddamn tirade i don't know what's what my act is right now it's just like i've come to the end of trashing women i'm just sick of doing it and my i had one show where i just started on this fucking trashin woman thing and i don't think i pulled up the

entire fucking show i'm sure a lot of guys liked it but i could really see actually tonight i think i had one of my most balanced shows of the weekend because of that woman's criticism she was i think she was a hundred percent right because i kind of thought back to my act i was like well for the first three minutes i wasn't trashing women and then for the next hour and 12 i i think i was guilty as charged everybody um oh so anyway speaking of sports did anybody watch the espies last week anybody watched those or watched them on wednesday uh me and paul versey my uh my my friend outside of this business and within the business he opens for me on a lot of east coast dates right out to about minnesota i think it's the first hour was derosa what the

fuck was the furthest west i've gone with him i would give the fuck let's plow ahead we actually submitted some jokes we were sitting there going you know we're always joking around about sports we're always breaking each other's balls i had an in i knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who knew seth and i said fuck it let's submit some jokes we actually got a couple on i was psyched and then i ended up getting some tickets me and nia went down i went to the espies everybody like a fucking big shot you know it's funny i actually got to walk the red carpet and um there's all these giant fucking and it was awesome it was walking a red carpet is as awesome as you would think it is and uh except when no one knows who the fuck you are

then you feel like an asshole you know fucking walking like dirknewitz he's standing there i just want to fucking nba champion chef but i'm like uh i'm playing the san jose improv next week if anybody cares i tried to make an excuse that the reason i didn't hang out was because it was too sunny and hang out because nobody knew who the fuck i was if they knew who i was i would have sat standing there running my fucking yep but anyways we ended up going inside right you know was awesome i don't i don't bug people for pictures you know i just i just don't do that shit but they were dr fucking j dr j was sitting about five rows down and i was in the middle and there was like 20 people to the right 20 people to the left of me and he was sitting right on the

aisle because you know he's got long legs and also they want to cut to him when they're shooting people uh and he was standing there and like a bunch of fucking nerdy white guys like me were walking up and he was shaking their hands and getting that picture and i'm just sitting there going that's dr j i gotta do it i gotta fucking you kidding me that guy like this entire espn is standing on his shoulders this is the original guy the original winner of the fucking dunking contest the original guy who took the game above the rim the best fucking afro the guy who saved the aba that caused the aba to combine with the nba the best fucking nickname those Celtics 76er series of the early 80s some of the best basketball i ever saw julius jams jinx remember that cover of sports

illustrated when they got by the Celtics that fucking 1983 team foe foe foe i gotta get a picture with this guy when i finally said fuck this i'm doing it right as i stand up he the announcement was attention please everybody shut off your cell phones the award show is gonna be getting just and then he sits down i was like fuck all right fuck this i'm gonna get i'm gonna get a shot i'll get a picture with him at the end of it right and then all of a sudden the show starts seth mires comes out and now i'm sitting there all nervous going fuck is because i had i had a feeling you know that maybe we were gonna get a couple on and uh he ended up doing two jokes and thank god they both did well and um i don't know man i was i was a rush it was definitely a fucking rush

i was always wondering if i could write for somebody else first of all if i could do it and then secondly how i would uh would i be bummed as an ego maniac comedian that i didn't tell the joke would it uh would it bother me and it didn't i actually i got like a different sort of thrill out of it i was so fucking nervous i was like oh my god what if i write him something and he says it and it bombs you know and then he's up there looking like a jerk off because of me you know what i mean that's like accidentally shooting somebody in your own platoon and you gotta fucking live with that you know so thank god they did well and uh and i was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the show and uh and then the end of the show comes

i'm like all right i'm gonna get this picture with dr j and there's like 20 fucking people to get to the i have to try and step over they all stand up at the same time and you know he's dr j so he just gets ushered out and i keep thinking that i can somehow zigzag through people and i just see his fucking silver afro it's not an afro it's cut down you know short now and he's like six six or whatever i just watch him slowly disappearing into the crowd and then it was it was over i didn't get the goddamn picture i didn't seize the day but uh but i ended up being a great night and um you know i don't know being uh versey were like two little girls all excited that we actually got something on there so uh so there you go there's a happy story how about that every

week i'm always fucking angry on this goddamn thing and um you know look at that that wasn't actually that was that i i believe that that might have been the first feel good story that i've ever told in the podcast how did that feel did it make you feel uncomfortable all right well let's get back to trashing people then how about that here's something for you like i don't know what all the fascination is with redheads are lately i don't know if it's because south park did that kick a ginger day but like i've i've never felt like more of a freak in my life there's just all this shit coming out you know i didn't somebody sent me an article it says do redheads need extra anesthesia and evidently it said uh it goes it's bad enough that redheads and then they

go or gingers as our british friends call them since when have they been our friends you should just say or gingers because south park made that fucking mainstream you don't give credit where credits do all right actually you know i kind of like that they actually say that that's a british word because i always get weirded out when people say that because it sounds like you're uh like auditioning for lock stock and two fucking barrels whatever the hell the name of that movie is because i've always known that word over there and to hear fucking people in like indiana use that you know considering they've never been to europe it always strikes me as funny you know like i don't know where they're just like hey tapping them on it to you um so anyways it says bad enough that redheads

may one day be extinct you know what a way to start it right off the bat evidently we're like dying out ah Jesus can you imagine being the last one on earth oh i thought i had a bad childhood holy shit um now we find out that people with red hair need more anesthesia than other people do okay what the fuck you like i don't already feel like enough of a freak i get it i don't look like other people i'm one step away like albinos don't get as much shit as redheads do lately all right a 2002 study conducted by researchers at the university of louisville kentucky and i guarantee you nobody from kentucky was doing that research that's all people from smart states they couldn't get a job at other schools and then they go to louisville there's not one

smart person in kentucky i guarantee you how fucking relax i'm giving you shit i know this smart people uh what's his face Muhammad Ali was from there one of the quickest minds of all time right um anyways proved what anesthesiologist uh doctors who oversee or the administration of anesthesia like we didn't know what the fuck that was have believed for some time that redheads are more difficult to knock out okay as much as that's stroking my ego like we're stronger than you fucking pigment bastards how the fuck did they figure i like that that they prove what doctors who administer anesthesia have believed for some time that it's harder to put redheads under really you care to tell some stories of some horrified freckle face people waking up during

the middle of a fucking apandectomy that i say that right um researchers at the university of louisville chose 20 test subject all women all ladies aged 19 to 40 10 were redheads and 10 were brunettes the dark haired subjects were in the control group now you just lost me what the fuck does that mean you just said there were 10 redheads 10 were brunettes the dark haired subjects were in the control group i i don't have a science background what does that mean the redheads are too wild you can't control them um the research uh does that mean that's harder to roofy a redheaded woman uh some Persian psycho just sitting there wondering how many he's got a dropper to fucking drink uh jesus christ fuck you let's plow ahead here we go at all 20 women were given

oh who gives a shit i can't even read half this stuff here desflurane a common gas anesthesia after the anesthesia took effect the researchers gave each woman electric shocks jesus christ are we in a recession or what the fact that people would actually sign up for this would you give them a walmart gift card what was the average amount of teeth of the people in this 19 to 40 fucking group of women how many were actually pregnant and you'll fucking look past it well they're in the first trimester it's okay um after the anesthesia took effect electric shocks using a voltage which a conscious person would have found intolerable if the subject could feel the pain the researcher increased the dosage of uh desflurane and continued to administer shocks

until they got no response to the shocks dude what year did they do what was joe kennedy around when they did this did they give somebody a fucking lobotomy at the end of this the researchers findings showed that the old anesthesiologist adish is adage is true redheads do require more anesthesia in fact it took an average of 20 more see i could have fucking told you that all those pasty face mix with their fucking red hair drinking down the pub is all you fucking calypso bastards have passed out underneath the fucking bar we knew that um anesthesiologists have a dangerous job and it takes a large degree of skill to properly put someone i don't give a fuck about you guys it's all about me so there you go i can't i can't tell if i find that a

complimentary story or uh or what i don't know just like i i already felt weird enough thank you thank you for sending me that if you guys can send me more information about redheads that makes me feel like more of an outsider i would really appreciate that oh by the way i actually have breaking bad on in the background on mute i've already seen this episode because i was lucky enough um to get an advanced copy here so but i have it on mute because i want them to get credit you know they only you only get credit for fucking uh viewers is if they watch it live because if you tivo it the advertising companies are like well look when people tivo shit when tivo shows they just fast forward to through the commercial so we're not paying for that so uh

i don't know i don't know why i decided to tell you that maybe because it was a way i could all of a sudden bring up the fact that i'm gonna be on episode three uh please watch it this season everybody it's the best fucking show on tv and uh you'll get to see me for a couple of seconds you know wouldn't that be nice to put a nice face to these happy words that are coming into your fucking ears at this point all right let's let's plow ahead with the podcast um all right oh hey by the way i have gone as of saturday nine months without booze i'm trying to go a year people i'm three fucking months away this is my part of my cleaning up my life thing all right i've gone nine months with no booze i've got myself to the point where i don't fucking lose my

temper in the car anymore you know if you walk down the sidewalk and you yell at me you're on your own on that one but uh and now i have gone a little over 24 hours without watching online porn so yeah that's the next demon i'm trying to get out of my life oh it's gonna be great i'm just gonna go all the way back gradually go back to the innocence of who i was when i was a kid and then what's great is because i'm an adult and i'm an ego maniac i'll then find jesus and i'll start preaching to you guys on this podcast as if i wasn't a complete piece of shit for the last fucking 15 years of my life um yeah so uh yeah i'm trying

to stop watching online porn you know i'm gonna try to go old school i'm gonna try to use the old fantasies use the old noodle right little lips in for you little brain games hey anybody out there know a good website that has uh spelling tests i want to become a better speller i'm just sick of being a fucking moron you know as i was trying to write jokes this week the amount of shit that uh for the sbs the amount of fucking people that i can't i can't fucking uh the words that i just cannot spell is is beyond me i'm good with the little ones you know like fuck cunt you know shit you can't get on tv but uh like words like apparently which is a great word for a monologue joke zapa da ba da ba do ba do ba do apparently yada yada yada right

uh you gotta be able to spell apparently if i'm gonna have any sort of fucking career oh jesus bill i just drove this podcast right down a fucking alley um sheared off the side view mirrors is it gonna be garbage cans blocking it let's go to this next thing here um oh here's some information tiger woods somebody sent this in tiger woods wife is back in action tiger woods ex-lady is back in action heartbroken ellen nordragon how the fuck you say her goddamn name heartbroken she's heartbroken everybody she got a quarter of a billion dollars in the divorce settlement and she has her own island and she has the fucking nerve to be heartbroken you know what is with these brats you know what amazed me about women

who marry unbelievable men like tiger woods or sugar shame moseley right men of unbelievable accomplishment men of astounding achievement men who are in the record books what their sense of fucking entitlement that they have to the spoils of the pressure that their husbands dealt with is just fucking beyond me i get it tiger woods you were married to the lady you cheated on her she's pissed she wants to have her fucking uh you know she wants to go a separate way she wants some fucking money but the fact that she feels she's entitled to that much of the fucking money and she never had to sink a putt what do you think would happen to her if she was standing on the goddamn where the fuck you don't golf wherever you tee off the tee off spot right it's not the green

the fuck do you call that i'll meet you at the uh the thing with the little balls there that you tee off for the fucking tee off place can you imagine if she had to tee off in front of not only millions of fucking people you got like 300 people on either side of the fairway and if you hook a slice somebody's gonna die she can never handle that pressure she's worth 250 billion a million dollars she's a nanny she's a fucking nanny and she she got half as much money as gerry seinfeld got for creating and writing the greatest sitcom of all time or what does she do sit around a pool french fucking manicure pedicure get your hair fucking highlighted you know so anyways evidently she's heartbroken everybody yeah forget the people

in japan that's that you know what would they know about heartbreak you know sure that tsunami whatever this poor woman do you know i gotta tell you something you know what it is is most people in japan they live in smaller houses so i think the problem with is that ellen she she has to live in these gigantic houses by herself so she feels way more lonely so that's why i think she's she's so much more heartbroken so anyways heartbroken ellen i don't even know her fucking name because she's never achieved anything in her life uh nordergren nadi gran and she's found love again everybody with wouldn't you know it a wealthy american investor james dingman uh ellen who divorced cheating golf great tiger woods you believe that all the

achievement that tiger woods all his accomplishments his first credit now is cheating how about greatest golfer of his generation winner of 14 majors and known cheater tiger woods um following and divorcing tiger woods uh following a series of scandals with multiple women has dated has uh has been dating dingman and this guy is the son of a billionaire michael dingman she's been dating him for months friends say jamie is an accomplished emerging market markets veteran who has represented his father's interest in china for the past six years in the mid 90s he specialized in russian private equity funds he also owned an indy car racing team sponsored by world childhood foundation a charity founded by queen sylvia of sweden the charming bachelor

has previously dated bridges moinahan i don't know the fuck that is mother of tom brady's baby he was linked last year to princess mandoline of sweden see you know something i don't know if this this ellen is a genius or if she's a fucking moron because if she thinks this guy isn't gonna cheat on her she's out of her mind hey ellen you want a faithful guy why don't you start with someone who can't afford a private jet who can fly thousands of miles away from your pussy and your eyeballs why don't you start with that you know what is your prerequisite for jumping on a cock they have to be a billionaire huh you gold diggin whore how come you can't find love some guy works in a warehouse i don't know you know what she's gonna do she's working her way up you know what

ellen's basically doing is she's sucking the right dicks i gotta tell her that i gotta tell you that she just this is genius so tiger was a billionaire she fucking walks because he bangs some fucking chicken or hooters right so she says all right to hell with you and i'll take uh let's see even though we have to prenup and i'm only entitled to five million dollars let's work it out and i'll get a quarter of a quarter of a fucking billion so now she she jumps to another billionaire this this lady she doesn't even fuck with billionaires so now she's going to this fucking poor bastard right she's gonna get her hooks into him and uh you know that'll probably last another six years or whatever then she's gonna get another 250 right she's worth half a billion figure at that point

should be maybe be like 35 maybe she can slide in another fucking billionaire you know that'll be another 250 she's worth three quarters of a fucking billion dollars she invests her money right she gets 25% on that she's a billionaire she did it there you go ladies that's how it's done if you're not gonna choose love that's the way you do it you know what the greatest thing about all of it is she'll be paying it as a victim the entire time heartbroken heartbroken how come it doesn't say heartbroken gold digger ellen nordrogren ellen why don't you go fuck yourself huh lady all right uh what else do i got this yeah this is a brutal week for guys sugar shane moseley's getting a fucking divorce and

his he's got to pay all this fucking money out all right and his ex-wife is getting his championship belts that's one of the cruelest things i've ever heard in my life and she's trying to play it off well i'm just keeping them for the kids and the kids will get them when they're 18 first of all no you're not all right that's passive aggressive horseshit you're trying to break the guy that's evil vindictive horseshit for you to take that and secondly the kids didn't put their life on the line in the fucking ring so they don't deserve them and if they do deserve them it's it should be fucking moseley should make the decision because he's the one to put his life on the line you fucking what what did you do let me guess you supported

him that's that that's your big entitlement oh my god that's fucking let's just plow ahead here let's try to have something a little more sunshine you know i i try i encourage women to write into my podcast i've been begging you guys for like the last six months to a year at so i can balance this out because i don't want to keep trash women it's just so fucking easy so here we go i got this woman wrote in thank god a woman wrote in please write in trash guys i know we're morons i need i need balance here this is as balanced as msnbc or fox news i want to smooth it out here here we go all right some lady wrote in all right toilet uh bill i have a question about men in their bathroom habits my husband and i have a great relationship we just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary

and are very happy well congratulations congratulations you have something most people do not have you have a happy marriage marriage sorry get the hiccups um anyway she said the only things we ever seem to argue about are manners and housework uh we come from different backgrounds and we're raised differently regarding manners he doesn't believe um he doesn't believe that manners are important while i do we both had to adjust to this and it has certainly been a process my standards for living have been lowered and his have been raised we're somewhere in the middle at this point um he has really made an effort over the years in terms of cleaning up after himself and not being gross uh but the one area that has always been a problem is the toilet

at first he rarely put the seat down and it drove me crazy um he's wicked smart he went to have it and always philosophizes his way out of arguments his main argument for leaving the toilet seat up is that it isn't fair women and men are equals blah blah blah he also likes to use the argument that gay men probably leave the seat up all the time uh i'm an interior designer and have several gay male friends and they all say they put it down because who wants to look at the inside of a toilet uh the last thing i could say about it was please just do it as a favor to me he said he would and i believed him a few weeks ago i was taking a bath and i left the door a jar because he worries i'll drown or something if i lock the door well look at that he's a great

guy he's concerned about you you know there's a lot of people that that could give a shit so anyways she's in the bathtub with the door jar a little bit he says he suddenly came in and sat down on the toilet in front of me and i was stunned and asked are you pooping and he said no he was just peeing so now he's pee now he pee's sitting down and insists that this is normal for men this is where we are right now in the toilet seat argument he thinks he's being considerate but really he's just super stubborn about the toilet seat he also has no problem of going to the bathroom in front of me and i wish there was more of a boundary when it comes to the bathroom in general this idea has infected my brain so much it just

seems so unmasculine to me to see a man peeing sitting down that it's it's now to the point that i think it's attractive when men pee standing up so bill what do you think my husband loves your podcast listens every morning yeah what do i think uh he's a great husband he loves me takes care of me makes me laugh and he's gorgeous but the toilet issue weirds me out all right where to start first of all this whole toilet issue this whole tradition that has basically been started i don't know where it's began but how if the man leaves the toilet seat up he's the biggest fucking asshole on the face of the earth i don't understand it i don't understand why we are required to do it i've never heard a woman give me a good argument as to why they say dumb shit like so i

don't fall in the toilet and it's like that that's my fault you fell in the toilet who in their right mind drops their pants and sits on something without looking at what they're sitting on do you want to stand that you're out of your mind that's on you like what why is the toilet have to be totally set up for you but i can go fuck myself how come how come when you're done with it why can't you lift the seat up if anything it's more it's easier for you to put the seat down than for me to put it up i'm working against gravity you know and it'd be one thing if you said oh here's one for you if you want him to put the seat down because this is what's really going on you've nagged him enough and it's annoying him that he has to put the fucking seat down all right so now what he's doing is

what he's he's actually he's brilliant he knows that pinging sitting down is weirding you out well he's doing this passive aggressive shit where he's like all right you want the seat down fine i'm gonna i'm gonna start peeing sitting down like a woman and make it all fucking weird for you and then i'm gonna act like no no this is more efficient i like it i'm enjoying this shit he's he's playing the only card he has i think it's fucking hilarious um this is my advice to you if you want him to go back to peeing standing up and putting the seat down basically your dream bathroom situation why don't you give up something why don't you say okay if you do that for me i will do this you know why don't you say like look if you go a month straight but you know and and always

put the seat down after 30 days i will give you the most insane blowjob you've ever had in your life okay why don't you do something okay instead of acting like you're you're you're fucking some sort of royalty and that everything should just be set up for you all right i agree with you that's fucking weird it's weird for me to picture him sitting down but i think he's doing it in this passive aggressive way which is fucking hilarious to me all right there you go that's what i would say blow him once a month as long as he keeps the seat down that's my solution all right and god bless you and congratulations on your good relationship all right moving on hey bill i was just watching the news and saw this lady who cut off her husband's dick

and then threw it into the garbage disposal turning it on as she did so why is this behavior shown in women let me see why is this show why is this behavior shown in women uh i mean a guy would have just left her wife but women have to set your stuff on fire cut up your car with keys if you're in an argument with them if they don't like what you say they turn into a banshee and start slapping and cursing you out many decent guys have to sit there and take this shit um take it until they have had enough and the female can't uh i'm sorry guys i'm really butchering this oh this knows how this guy wrote it unstill that's not even a word dude let me just try to plow through this they hadn't until the the guys had enough and the female can't take the shit

anymore uh that's when shit like cutting off dicks setting your shit on fire scarring up your car and slashing the wheels on your car come into play do they think this is normal shit to do and yes i know a lot of women would never do these things but they would agree at their little pussy pal meetings going honey chill she did the right thing uh huh this fucking person's writing dialogue for me um yeah well i mean they're held to a different set of standards both good and bad you know they're held to a different set of standards as far as sex goes they go out and did have to shit you did their horse you're a stud and uh when it comes to stuff like this yeah they get away with it um i don't know why i don't

know why they do stuff like that they're very uh i don't know i have no idea i mean i think you're hard pressed to find a guy who hasn't had his shit attacked by a woman you know i mean obviously if a woman cheated on me i would be upset i'd scream at her i call her a bunch of names call her a fucking whore but i would never think to destroy her car or throw all her hook or wear out onto the fucking yard and set it on fire you know why we can't do that shit because when when a guy goes ape shit like that they call the cops and we get arrested dude if you call the cops and they show up and your wardrobes on fire they're gonna have all they can do to not start laughing because they know why she did it because you fucked around and they're both their dirt bags too so

they're all going like oh you got caught didn't you it's like that guy thing we just fucking laugh there's no solidarity amongst guys we just we fucking laugh i think that's why it is but um you know i'm gonna go out on limb here most women aren't gonna cut your dick off and throw it in the garbage disposal you know that that woman is is a fucking maniac and uh uh you you wait i i can't wait to see that trial to see what she gets you know i i she's gonna get off she'll she'll get off somehow just be like uh it was a crime of passion she was a little bit crazy oh my god she's just a girl she'll probably do like six months um all right let's go to overrated underrated for this week i gotta wrap this podcast up because i'm trying to get this thing up before

midnight and tomorrow's a travel day for me um overrated underrated for this week uh these are great by the way overrated nurses i gotta be careful on this i have some friends who are nurses here uh my wife and i just had our first baby and she was in labor for a day and a half day and a half in labor god bless her um i noticed as we went through about four shifts of nurses that every single one of them at some point managed to cram in how difficult their job was and how they're underpaid have to work long hours and don't get any respect my wife is an excruciating pain and i haven't slept for two days so perhaps you feeling the need to nail yourself to a cross every time you carry your bloated ass down the hall to dole out an aspirin is falling on deaf ears

jesus um we were right outside the nursing pen when those hogs sat around those hogs what a great word sat around the whole night cackling at shit jokes and knocking down crispy creams as they padded each other on the back granted i would have blown my brains out if i was stuck on the graveyard shift with that herd all night but can we give this guy a round of applause for the amount of different creative ways he's been able to call these women fat bloated hogs and herd you have a future in writing my friend um anyways i blow my brains out if i was stuck on the graveyard shift with that herd all night but it didn't exactly seem like the toughest job in the world what really killed me is how they would go on to bitch about

the doctors and how they will all how the doctors were all arrogant and don't know anything i really felt like telling them i get that both you and the doctor have papers hanging on the wall but the difference is that his are medical degrees from stanford and princeton and yours is an honorable mention from a community college and a ziggie cartoon from 1989 let's just say md gets the tie and move on what makes them overrated here we go let's get to the point is that you can't call them out on their bullshit because although they don't do much they can make your life miserable while you're there so instead of going off on them i sent my dad out to refill their slop bucket with a couple dozen chocolate glazed underrated doctors i know they get respect already but

they deserve more no exaggeration we spoke with the doctor for 10 minutes she came in looked at our charts did some stuff on a few machines then laid out three choices and recommended one 45 minutes later we had a healthy baby girl um dude that's fucking hilarious but i i got to defend nurses and they do work their asses off and that type of shit but uh i think a lot of it was your emotional but you are making some point now if they're sitting out there cackling about shit jokes eating donuts then uh jesus christ did you deliver your fucking baby in a in a in a precinct that sounds like a bunch of cop jokes to me all right here we go overrated hey this ties into the other one peeing standing up uh is overrated it's a real pleasure in the middle of the night to

leave the lights off and pee sitting down even during the day and you just want to sit down for a minute sitting down while peeing is awesome what is going on with the fucking men of this generation they need to fucking thank god oprah went off the air maybe we can fucking jesus christ something here's another thing if i was fucking president i would i would get one of those old b 52 bombers and i would spray cities with like male cologne some sort of germ warfare to make guys a little more fucking i don't know what happened to us we did great right up until the eighties all those hard castle and macormick ridiculous testosterone shows where everybody had like a fucking cool car and they were banging a bunch of

women hairy chest and a fucking medallion what happened to those days everybody's awkward now acting like you're 14 on the first fucking date i can't relate to anybody on tv anymore um anyways uh underrated jerking off to non pornographic material oh this will help me out uh i almost find it more enjoyable to jerk off to someone to some off to a thought of some girl i saw at a store or to jerk off to some random girl i saw on tv and then he loses all confidence like he's a freak and starts yelling at me don't eat don't you even dare say you've never done this burr i know you go back to your hotel room after a show and jerk off to that big titted whore in the front row hey dude listen if this is what you want to do stand by it don't try to

drag me into your fucking world i'm actually right there with you fucking yelling at me overrated going to the beach or or boardwalk guess what it's the exact same as it was the last 50 times you were here but more expensive with more assholes isn't that the truth underrated trips to another city is underrated there's always awesome shit going on in every city up and down the east coast that you haven't done to death catch a game at camden yards check out one of the dozens of free museums in dc you haven't gone to since the eighth grade eat a cheesesteak where they sign the constitution see a random show at the comedy seller walk the freedom trail actually don't watch walk the freedom trail visit sam adams instead

that was a good one underrated going into uh going into work hungover you'd be in this guy's like this is this is amazing because i don't think i could do this he says going to going into work hungover is underrated you'd be amazed at what you can accomplish with half a functioning brain in a bad attitude i'm one of those people that under normal circumstances would lose his dick if it wasn't velcroed on but when i'm hungover and at work i can get done in three hours what usually takes me three days maybe it's that i subconsciously don't give a fuck and want to go back to bed but i swear i always drink like a sailor the night before i have to do a big project or go to a big meeting that's a new one dude if it works for you last one overrated trying to bang girls you

work with i i've tried this twice one time it ended with me putting my hand into a telephone poll out of frustration from being a manipulate from her being a manipulative whore yeah but dude you took the bait you took the bait i'll get back to it let me i'll finish reading this seriously most girls who will come across as easy at the office oftentimes are filthy cunts who end up fucking a traveling soccer team and then all you hear about at work is how they have crabs and their piss is green instead of banging girls at work i'll stick to low self-esteem girls who go to starbucks and movies alone um dude that thing where you punch the telephone poll i hope uh i hope you learned something from that one because uh you're you're you're

making yourself the victim there these manipulative whores you're giving them all the power just know that they're manipulating you don't allow it to happen all right figure it out don't lose your temper like me and scream i'm on the phone all right advice and then this will be the end of it uh hey hey bill uh i need some advice on picking up this chick i saw a few weeks ago at the gym and she has huge fake boobs i've never grabbed huge fake boobs i want to grab huge fake boobs she's always wearing really small low-cut shirts of course she is she got she wants to show off what she's got now uh whenever i see her i get home and i have to jerk off and not mild jerking off i mean double-handed shit it looks like i'm giving myself the heimlich but my dick is in the

way see ladies this is why i want you to write in because this is getting really fucking blue this is like the ninth conversation about jerking off and i know you're all sitting there with your nose wrinkled up and your brow furrowed would do something about it see this is what i need nea to come in and fucking rescue the podcast like she did last week but i'm on the road so there's nothing i can do i gotta plow through this so anyways he said today i finally talked to her at the old drinking fountain this is the fake titted whore here uh we're chatting about how people didn't work really hard at the gym and i complimented her on how hard she works out then he says yeah i know it's cheesy fuck you birds true and i had

to say something why is everybody coming at me i didn't say it was cheesy you fucking lost confidence in it so anyways he said when i told her uh when i when i told her it oh the compliment she tilted her head and said oh well well thanks oh Jesus that's so that's like one of the worst responses you can get she said it as if i was a five-year-old giving her a flower um she some of you guys really ought to start doing stand-up these are like a ridiculous level of funny these last couple here man are really written well uh she looks like she's probably older maybe mid 30s while i'm 22 oh Jesus okay during our conversation she said that she was so tired from the weekend so i'm guessing she might be a partier very good police work i'm not saying you're right but i like i like

the way you're thinking you're trying to put the pieces together um i don't really party but i'll smoke crack sniff coke and shoot heroin into my eyes as long as i can play with those little baby toes glued to the end of those watermelon she calls boobs yeah that's disgusting uh i'm not sure if if she is single or not the proof i have that she's single she has no wedding ring uh but we're at the gym so she may have taken it off proof that she isn't single her titties are the size of kelsey grammar's head help me grab them titties for a night bill all right um okay here we go where do i start with this one okay so you're going after i need a little more information is this okay so she's obviously the girl with the big fucking fake tits so she's wearing all those

tight outfits you know and she's probably going into the weightlifting room bending over and doing all that shit it does she also wear a lot of makeup when she works out um i think if she wore a ton of makeup when she worked out she actually might have talked to you for half a second because that would have been a whole nother level of low self-esteem but um i don't know dude this this is this is a hard one because you're a lot younger than she is she already gave you the ah well thanks so obviously complimenting her is not the way to go i think you gotta fucking just sort of strike up car now that you talk to her just get into it this is what i would do get into a whole fucking every time you see or you say what's up to her talk to her a little bit but you got to have

that i don't give a fuck attitude um i don't know dude i might have fuck i don't know i see this is why i might need knee on this one all right you know what you know what it is because i'm using your jump off point where you already said like i really like you know you work out really hard you know then she goes oh see right there when she said oh well thanks i would have said ah jeez all right i blew it on that one i need to adjust it so what the fuck would i do i don't know what the fuck would i do that's a hard i don't i never did well with those kinds of girls i think this is why it's fucking me up i'm trying to blame you but i never did well with those those girls like that big fake fucking tits just screaming for attention

i never did well with them so and i gotta tell you dude you know what's overrated big fake tits they're they're fun to look at but it's not like when you touch them you can feel the fucking bag in there at least the last time i did it so last time i touched a fair pair of a fair of fake tits a pair of fake tits was probably jesus a long time ago maybe like 10 years ago actually touched them but they've come up to me like when i'm in Dallas and they press up against you know and they're taking pictures after the show that that dude they have something alien in their fucking tits it's it's and i tell you they only look good when they're covered up when they take them off they're just standing there staring at you it's weird titty shouldn't have

a circle at the top they should fucking hang down they should be fun you know and move with the ocean they should be sitting there looking at you like they're judging you um i don't know dude i don't know i need more of your background i gotta know what your background what do you got anything going on in your life anything you can invite her to like i i have nothing but the the normal shit make her laugh and then steer the conversation towards sex i really i i don't i don't know how to approach a fucking woman like that god damn it you stumped the the fucking uh

i had diarrhea in the mouth you absolutely stumped me i have no fucking idea i have no idea but take this into consideration there's a bunch of big titted whores out there all right so you struck out with that one i don't i don't know what to tell you can i can i say that for another 10 minutes i got nothing hour and five minutes in all right youtube videos for the week you know what fuck it why don't you go right up and ask her start talking about her tits you know just go up and be rude put your gym membership on the line and just walk right up hey how's it going just next time she comes walking around the corner with her big tits just react to him jesus christ

you're fucking you're trying to hurt somebody with those things whatever just get it going with that get her giggling laughing i would just go down that just no respect no respect for this woman no respect for any sort of sexual harassment or anything fuck you and your big fake tits they're right there they're in my face and i'm talking about them all right i got an angle i don't know if i don't know if it's gonna work but that's what i would do next time next time something like that jesus christ with your big tits are you serious excuse me what yeah big tits the fuck fucking gotta go home and jerk off every time can you wear a how about a hoodie every once in a while there you go there you go fuck that jerking off part you'll creep her out go that angle address

how big or fucking titties are and then just act like you're overwhelmed good can you put a sweatshirt on them difficult fucking working out go maybe go that route this is like writing monologue jokes i'm just throwing shit against the wall trying to find something funny start with that all right fuck her in a big goddamn tits this is what i would do if i would you rub one out before you go to the gym all right so your balls aren't full you know telling you dumb shit in your head so your balls are empty you're thinking fucking clearly all right you know what it is her tits are like the bully at school they're bullying you right now and you're getting in your fucking head and i'm in my head and i even know what this bitch looks like all right so i think it's time you stood

up to the the bully call her out call her out on a big fake fucking tits in her little outfits she knows what she's doing then i come up and i compliment you and you give me all thanks you should have fucking did you see that fucking punch or tease through when he missed the Orioles pitcher where it wasn't a hook and it wasn't an uppercut it sort of looked like a kentacovie sidearm pitch that's the way you should have slapped her fucking tits coming a fucking 35 degree angle i'm sorry brother i got nothing i really if anybody has if anybody has an angle if you can help this guy out man down man down all right we need to help this guy out this is what this podcast is about making you laugh on monday helping you out your personal lives this kid wants to

touch some fake titties i got nothing help them out all right youtube videos of the week you got to go to the mm podcast you got to go to the mm podcast dot com we got all these lined up these are the funniest goddamn i think but we've had in a while these are fantastic so you don't have to go to youtube and search all of these you just got to sit there and what you can just you know blow right through them in your fucking cubicle act like you're working doing market research whatever the fuck you're supposed to be doing all right youtube video of the week uh frankie and johnny it's this furniture store and this is one of the greatest commercials i've ever seen in my life you know like when a local store they can't afford professionals so they have the employees

do the commercial this is what they did and these people are fucking brilliant um jetpack fail i know a lot of people saw these saw saw it already i actually watched it on the jimmy fowland show um it's awesome um wild caddy you got to see this this is actually a 59 for you guys uh gear heads out there it's a 59 Cadillac two door with the giant tail fins that somebody tricked out down in australia and the really interesting thing about this car is because it's in australia it's i've never seen it it's a 59 Cadillac with the steering on steering wheel on the right hand side it's fucking it's insane and the console in the middle is a replica of the tail fins on the back of the car this car it's i don't know it's gotta be it's definitely two hundred thousand dollar car

the amount of money this guy put in the car it's fucking insane um here's another great one restaurant owner bans kids it's a local news story this guy he just banned kids under six six years of age because they make too much fucking noise and uh the guy he's and he's unapologetic all these moms are complaining he goes no you know i don't i don't i understand that it's your kid and it's the center of your universe but it's not the center of our universe basically said go fuck yourselves and it was great to see somebody stand up against the backlash fuck you they make too much noise why you bring them to this restaurant fucking sitting there with applesauce in their hair they don't even appreciate what the fuck we're cooking here these people are like well

we always go here i don't know where else to take my kid take him with chucky cheese take him to mcdonald's why don't you make him a fucking peanut butter jelly sandwich if you're concerned about his health um oh here's a great one socks fan grabs a boob during a red socks game i got this one from uh opi on opi and anthony um it's just fucking great they cut into a couple of fans and then you know they go oh look at those two nice couples and the guy just reads over and grabs his girl's titty and jerry remy fucking loses it it's it's just fucking hilarious um and then george michael saxophone guy phenomenal just this guy playing the saxophone you could just go look at him i can't describe why they're funny and here's another one i want to add

bobby kelly's scared uh opi from the opi and anthony show it's just fucking awesome the noise opi makes is hilarious we're gonna have that video up there and then there's another video where opi and joe de rosa joe de rosa the teen isle sensation from the opi and anthony program try to scare bobby kelly and they they completely botched the job and uh both of those clips and if you're online listen to the opi and anthony show uh get an xm player i don't have any of the fucking information but it's the best radio show for my money out there and before i leave and wrap up the podcast uh i want to thank everybody who's been making you know the generous donations uh we have a donation button on the mmpodcast.com it helps me pay my web guy

um it helps me to reinvest you know all that type of shit else gives me some walking around money when i'm in san jose uh thank you to everybody who's clicked in i'm really blown away by uh all the donations that i've got um and that is it that's a podcast for this week everybody have a great week please watch Breaking Bad again next week it's on 10 o'clock on amc if you can i know you guys are busy but if you can watch it live it just helps their ratings um not that they need help but uh why not why not have some more people on it like i said i believe i'm in episode three possibly episode two i don't know i think it's episode three and i'm beyond excited to be a part of that and uh once again thanks to seth mires and everybody at the sbs for letting me and paul versey

submit our jokes and actually doing our jokes it was a big thrill for both of us that's a podcast for this week go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week and how about those pittsburgh pirates how about i almost forgot how about the first place pittsburgh pirates it's 1979 all over again now if the fucking orioles could just catch the red socks of the Yankees that's my dream world series it's my dream world series i want to see the pittsburgh pirates and the orioles have a rematch and i want the pirates to go back to those yellow on yellow with the yellow fucking hats kent ticovi to throw out the first pitch maybe john candleria how the fuck you say his name the candy man back when baseball was great all right that's the

podcast i'll talk to you next week ramadan moeperek geniet van pasen en ramadan met het verrassend en divers assortiment van albert hein en kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein punt pe dat is het lekker van albert hein