Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-12

Episode Date: July 2, 2012

Bill rambles about asteroids, chimpanzee's and banging three sisters in one family.

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 2nd, 2012. What's going on? It's the first week of July. Oh my God, the summer is just flying by. I can't, can you believe it? Can you believe that it's July? Can you believe that we spent all of June going, can you believe it's June? I hate people who say that, even though I make fun of it all the time, which probably annoys the shit out of you, but I hate people who fucking live in the past. You know?

Like, what did you think that you were going to achieve in June? You know, did you get a sunburn? Good. Well, then it was a good month. Yes, time isn't flying by. Yes, you are going to fucking die. So why don't you quit sitting around talking about how it's going by, and why don't you go do something? Huh? Hypothetical person that I never even heard say this shit? Do you know there's allegedly an asteroid? Not allegedly, I guess there is an asteroid. I mean, I fucking know, there isn't one.

It's not like I have a telescope. It's a goddamn scientist. I think they do that just so they can keep, they can have a job. They just look through this giant telescope. Nobody else looks through it. What'd you see? Dude, there's an asteroid heading right towards us, man. It's going to kill everybody unless you give us four billion dollars. But your fucking nerds, that's, I think the scientists at that level, they're just like bankers at that level, just complete corrupt pieces of shit. You know, every once in a while you see a good one.

You know, you meet an honest one that'll sit there and be like, you know, I don't know what to tell you. We've pretty much mapped out all the way to the end of the universe. And I still have just as many questions as when I started. Which once again is why that, that poor metheus or whatever the fuck it was called was such a good movie. Why can't I remember the names? So anyways, it's supposed to be evidently there's this asteroid heading right towards us, you know, and rather than just letting it happen,

you know, and just ending the fucking movie. We're going to send some shit up there to try to land on it and make fuck with its trajectory. We're going to, we can shoot some stuff at it. And then, and then what? And then what? We're going to keep living until we destroy the entire fucking atmosphere and just make this whole place unlivable.

All right, we're done. It's over. You know what I mean? You ever go to a fucking like Vegas or you go to Atlantic City and you look up on a billboard and you're like, that motherfucker is still doing shows. What is he doing? It's over. Nobody fucking cares.

Go fucking figure out and make your own jam, you know, your own jelly and start a start a new business. No one wants to fucking listen to you sing that goddamn song that was a hit in 1974. The day the music died. Can you imagine that poor bastard singing that song is even still alive. If he's dead, it's because of that song and having to sing that for 40 fucking years. And they were saying it by Oh, Madonna did a cover of that. Didn't she did she do a house version?

Some gay guys with some tied off shirts behind her, making it new, yet keeping it old. Um, she's, uh, you know, what's amazing about her? Cause she continued to work out. You know, it's fucking incredible. Her body is like, you know, it looks like a fucking 18 year old, but there's some reason that you can't, you can't, uh, work out on your face. There's no like face pullups. And I don't give a fuck if you get that faceless shit and everything, you know,

you still look old. You just can't, you can't fucking beat it, which is why you don't sit around going, Oh my God, it's fucking July already with your bud light and your cigarette, shut your face, your freckled whore. Um, I live in the past a lot. I do every morning when I take my dog for a walk, I listen to fucking music and half the time I'm fan, I'm always fantasizing that's me singing it and playing. Like, do you guys do that shit?

Like you're, uh, like the, you know, like a utility infielder that can like play any position, like I can play every instrument when I'm listening to the song and whoever is the standout in the, that moment of the song, but it'd be the singer, the, or the fucking tambourine player, whatever's stealing my focus. That's who I am. And half the time I'm doing it 30 years ago in my high school auditorium and the whole school is going, wow, that guy is awesome. And every once in a while, I'll actually step out of the fantasy and go,

Bill, you know, there's really something fucking wrong with you. And then I just laugh, you know, oh, I throw my head back and I cackle. And then my dog looks at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And then she takes the shit and I pick it up. That's my morning. That's how my morning works. Then I come back and I make myself a little breakfast, um, underrated. Fucking such a Boston fucking cooking, cooking for yourself and even more

underrated cooking for your friends. I actually, uh, I worked with, uh, Kevin Shea, fucking hilarious. Jason Lawhead, Cleveland zone. And that's not a lie. That's the truth. Cleveland zone, Jason Lawhead, who's just growing by leaps and bounds, keeps getting funnier. And, uh, I actually, I made those guys at dinner before we went out, before

we went out to, uh, Ontario, the inland empire. I was teasing them all fucking weekend about that name, the fucking inland empire. Who do you guys plan on conquering next? Just saying shit like that. Um, it really is a impressive badass name. Cause I think they actually call it the IE, which is really bad. You should just call it the inland empire. You know, when you just have a regular name, like Pittsburgh, you got to come

up with something to try to like jazz it up. Like, you know, when, when you come into the Berg, when you come into be more, you know, and it's, yeah, I almost said the most corniest joke ever. Can you be more douchey? Ugh, really? Fuck you. It's Monday morning. I'm entitled to that.

Um, but you live in a place, it's the inland empire. You don't, you don't have to fucking, you don't have to make up a name. You know what that fucking reminds me of? I remember a long time ago at the height, at the tail end of the height of that fucking def jam style of, of standup comedy, where you could just talk about white people, like they were borderline retarded and white people would just sit there and laugh, even though none of it made sense. And you couldn't even relate to it.

But the political correctness needle was at its peak. So you, you just felt like you had to laugh. Cause if you didn't, then you were maybe some roundabout racist. Do you remember that? Oh, is that just my world? Um, I saw this one man show, uh, on Broadway and this guy was doing this whole bit and he goes, yeah, me and my, all my friends, this Latin dude, he goes, me and my friends would go, we'd go into Maddie, Hattie.

And then he goes, that's Manhattan for all you white people. And everybody laughed. And it's like, I just, right there, I just zoned out of it. That whole fucking show. It's like, fuck you, you cunt. You think I can't figure that out? Like that's some sort of, like you, like you're some Apache and I'm the goddamn Japanese and I can't break the fucking code.

I'm, I'm in Manhattan, you dumb cunt. It's not like I'm watching this in Kentucky. I'm in fucking Manhattan. Oh Jesus Christ. Fucking remix the name of this goddamn town I'm in and it is a town. Manhattan is a town. I know it's a bunch of people there and everything, but it's really fucking small with no traffic.

You can drive from one end to the other in like 10 minutes. I mean, you're hauling ass, but you can do it on the, on the, on the highways on the side. Me and do that with any fucking town out there. Right. And they just got everybody jammed together and fucking, you know, shooting up into the sky. That's the thing about New York.

I told you that before is like, you got to, uh, you should live there at some point in your life and do it sooner rather than later. Do it like your twenties and then a little bit into your thirties and then get the fuck out. That's perfect. That's fucking perfect. I was just talking to Nia about that this morning. We were cracking up about it, like how we, we got out.

I mean, I actually stayed there too long, but got out at the right time. You know what I mean? You know what it is about, man? You just can't get any fucking privacy. Yeah. Everybody's just jammed in with each other and then like, you don't give a fuck when you're young, when you can go out and drink until fucking three in the morning, wake up, still have abs and go to work at seven in the morning, you

know, to fuck with some third world country's economy or whatever the hell it is those cunts do down on wall street. Right. You can do that, but fucking you start getting into your thirties and then you just, you can't do it anymore. And you just want to come home and you want fucking space. You want quiet, you know, you can't fucking sit there and then there's going to be some new 20 something year old moving in next year.

He's going to be fucking raging for three years and going through breakups and fucking screaming at fucking girlfriends and all that crap. And then there's going to be the person down the hall that's like 10 years older than you. All right. And you're starting to see them slipping into that, you know, getting a few too many pets and becoming like a Gora phobic, you know what I mean? It just gets depressing after a while.

So now it's, it's now it's great. Like I live out here and then I'll come back there. I'll do a gig. I hang for like a week and then I get the fuck out of there, but I got to admit when I go into the, the comedy clubs, it's fucking, it's horrific. I walk in and I'm looking for familiar faces. My eyebrows are up and I'm looking around and there's nobody there that I remember anymore and it, it fucking kills me.

It's, it's why I hate going home to my hometown. I hate it because I moved away so long ago when I go back, it's like a fucking time warp and I think I'm going to walk around town seeing people that I know. And I don't see anybody. And then maybe you run into somebody that you do know and hopefully they've been going to the gym because if they haven't, they're going to quickly remind you how fucking old you are. And I swear to God, at that point, I want to kill myself.

Um, then what the fuck do I do? How do I get out of that depression? That's been my whole, I don't know what the fuck is in my throat here. Hang on a second. Hang on one second. I got a fucking hang on. All right, I'm back.

He had to hit pause there. One of the rare times they have to hit the pause button. I was one outside and I just, I just, you know, hawked it up and just spit all over these plants. And the second I did it, I started laughing because I know the plants were just like really, you know, plants, poor bastard. You know what sucks about being a plant is you can't fucking, you can't like move. Can't like, you know, oh, here comes some fucking spittle and just sort of like

slip a punch. Yeah. I think that's what sucks about being a plant plant is you can't, you can't slip a punch. It would be my number one reason, you know, and then you're sitting there in a bunch of fire ants or whatever the fuck they are. Some sort of insect locusts just start eating you and you're just sitting there. You know, it's like you got fucking cement shoes on.

You know, I bet after this fucking asteroid, if it mercifully hits this fucking planet, all right, and ends us and we go down just like the dinosaurs. Like, I think plants are going to take over next. And there's going to be a big moment in their life when one of them finally has this sense to pull like part of their roots out of the ground and just move over a couple of inches and then they'll gradually they'll grow feet, right? And then once they do that, then you'll probably have your first like hand to hand combat.

Somebody's going to get raped, you know, and then they'll invent some stuff and then they'll think that they're special and then they'll invent this invisible guy in the sky and then they'll fight over who has the right invisible guy and then another asteroid is going to hit. That's what I think keep happening. I think God just keeps making shit and waiting for people to fucking figure it out and he just keeps going, ah, God, these ones are dumb too. Right.

Everything like what he's doing on this planet is it's like somebody trying to build a hot rod, you know, and we're like the transmission and we just keep slipping and they just have fucked us. You know what, this doesn't fit this engine. And then he just fucking throws an asteroid at the goddamn thing. No, well, I do. Anyway, so I was mentioning earlier that I, um, Cleo, Cleo, come here. Hang on a second.

Cleo, get in here. Sit down. This fucking dog goes out there. I don't understand it. She goes out. I left the door open. She goes out in the backyard and she lays in the sun until she's panting. Like she just ran a marathon.

Then she gets up, drinks a bunch of water and then lays in the shade and then does it all over again. And then at some point she fucking goes over and just starts eating the grass. Little blades of grass and it gets stuck in the back of her throat. And then she goes for the rest of the fucking day. Why do you do that? Huh? When are you going to involve where you can fucking speak to me?

All right, get over there and lay down, please. Do it. Do as I say. Hey, where are you going? Cleo, get over here. Fucking walk away from me on my podcast. Lay down. Down.

Sit. Stop looking at me like that. All right, go outside. Go on. Get out of here. See that? That's why I'm going to be a horrible parent. All right, here's a fucking ice cream.

Um, anyways, yeah, so cooking for somebody is fucking great. You know what I love about it? There's a rush that comes as they're coming over, you know, you're trying to time it so it's fucking perfect. You're trying to make it look good. And then there's this panic that you're going to fuck it up and that there's going to be this awkward silence because it sucks, right? And this is the thing.

I'm cooking for two comedians. So if it sucks, they're going to tell me, especially that cunt Kevin Shea. He doesn't give a shit. He doesn't give a fuck. That guy, you know, Kev, by the way, is an unbelievable singer, but he's embarrassed. Um, I don't know, he has like this hidden talent, like he fucking, I caught him one time when I walked in the green room, he was singing by himself. I thought he had the fucking radio on.

He's unbelievable. So, uh, ladies, get him to sing for you when you go and see him out on the road. Kevin Shea, S-H-E-A. Um, so anyways, I fucking, uh, yeah. There's like this rush, like, are they going to, are they going to like it? I think I think it sucks. And, uh, fortunately I pulled it off and they loved it. And, uh, I didn't get trashed by them the entire fucking way out there.

That would have been a long drive. Who the fuck told you you could cook? Um, you're listening to the Monday morning podcast, everybody. I hope you're having a good Monday. Settling into the July 4th weekend or middle of the week. Then don't you hate when like the July 4th? What's it? What's it?

Uh, a Wednesday, second, third, fourth. Yeah, Wednesday. Ah, that fucks you. You know what I mean? Cause if it's a Tuesday, if it lands on a Tuesday or a Thursday, maybe they'll give you that Monday or that Friday off. You can somehow get a four day fucking weekend out of it. Or even still, even if they don't give you the Friday, you just go Monday,

Tuesday, Wednesday, you get fucking Thursday off. You dick around on Friday. You're still half cocked from the fucking barbecue, right? And then it's the weekend. It's a great fucking time. But when it falls on the Wednesday, those cunts make you come in Monday, Tuesday. You take a little bit of a break than Thursday, Friday. Ag, you know, you're still getting a day off out of it.

But you know, you know what I mean? When it lands on that Monday or it lands on that fucking Friday. Okay, in my world, that's America. If I was president, July 4th would always be on a Monday. Definitely, definitely would be on a Monday every fucking year. And people are, well, you know, that actually lands on the seventh. And I'd be like, Hey, who picks up the red phone? Me or you?

All right, go fuck yourself then. Okay, it's on the seventh this year. Do we even know that they signed it on the fucking fourth? Do we? Four, what's going seven years ago? Did somebody really say that? Do you have any fucking idea? Oh, by the way, I actually saw Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter this past week.

And I gotta tell you, I got tickets for free before you think I'm the dumbest person on the planet, but I actually had faith in that movie. Because I was like, all right, there has to be a reason they made this because this just seems like the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard of my life. And I went and I saw it and there was really no surprise. It was exactly what I thought it was going to be. Uh, it was just a vampire hunter who happened to be Abraham Lincoln. And they just invented all of this shit.

I'm sure it was a good book, maybe. I don't think it was. It was like some nerd shit. And I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have seen it. That was all right. I was drinking when I saw it. I was fucking hammered by the end of it. You know what I mean?

It's like when your team goes down 11 runs, fucking two innings in, you're like, ah, fuck it might as well drink. What are we going to do? Go home to the wives? You know what I'm saying? Right? Yeah. Um, you know, as the worst part was it was in 3D and I fucking hate

3D movies. I really hate that's just that right there. When a movie's in 3D, that is a very secretive little fucking nod in a wink going, Hey, Hey, this movie sucks. This movie sucks. So bad we had to make shit float around you to keep it mildly entertaining. I hate 3D and you know what sucks about 3D now is they fuck it. They're making shit in 3D that doesn't even need to be in 3D.

You know, back in the day, all right. Friday the 13th part three and 3D, you know, we shot that fucking arrow when it comes at you. All right, cool. That was cool. But like in nowadays, the guys like Abraham, here's your pen. The guy just reads hands of pen. Like, why is that in 3D?

Am I supposed to say, wow, it was almost like he was handing that pen to me. That thing that actually happens to me in real life. That happens to me in real life. A guy with a hockey mask on shooting an arrow at me does not fucking happen. Near a lake or not near a lake. It doesn't fucking happen. Make that in 3D. Don't just have somebody sitting at a fucking desk in 3D.

So I feel like I'm in the office. Oh, it's so fucking stupid. You know what I mean? I don't know what the fuck I'm saying anymore. You know what? How about a little bit of advertising? A little bit of advertising. Oh, geez, I have to keep putting the fucking password in this.

Why do I have to have a password on my computer? As if what I'm doing on this thing is so goddamn important. Top secret. What is a password? What is a password? We can't have the world have access to your shit jokes. All right. No, I'm in the wrong area here.

I'm in the wrong area. Find it, find it. Here it is. Okay, quick advertising. Only two, only two this week. All right, Amazon.com, everybody. Hey, do you go to Amazon.com and you buy yourself some Freddie Mercury tank tops and dance around your bathroom, you know, sweating it up, right?

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It's just more clutter. It's just another stack of crap you have to put in a box when you go to move. All right. This is what this is what I would do if I was a gamer. All right. If I was a gamer, I would do gamefly.com. I'd play all those games. I'd send back all the ones that I'm done with and I don't care about.

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That's a metaphor for games by going to www.gamefly.com slash burr or through the banner ad on bill burr.com slash podcast page. Alrighty, there you go. And that's the advertising for this week. Wasn't that painless? By the way, by the way, I think it's time. I think we're about, you know, 17 minutes in. I think it's about time I patted myself on the back.

How about that download speed last week? Huh? How about that? I didn't hear any complaining. You know, hundreds and hundreds of people bitch moaning and fucking why did you park your car and just run to download? Right. So I finally fixed the goddamn problem.

And what do I get? I get like five tweets going, Hey, I really appreciate it. You know, what happened to the rest of you cunts? You went on the bitch about something else. You don't like the photo on my fucking page. You know, you ever stop and thinking about, you know, maybe finding out what you're really upset about? Jesus Christ.

Could I use that advice, huh? Um, all right, let's talk about something in the news. Shall we? Um, actually, like I said, I didn't even watch any TV. This week, this is just a really weird time of the year for me where the NHL and the NBA have ended. The NFL hasn't started up yet. I'll watch a little Wimbledon.

I'll watch a little bit of that World Cup soccer. I would have the fucking call it the European championship. I wrote for Germany. I'm mostly German. You know, I root for those guys who they lose to, they're lost to Italy and then Spain kicked the shit out of Italy. Um, it's great. I can watch any sport when a championship is on the line.

I don't give a shit what it is because you feel that energy from the fucking crowd, you know what I mean? Like I would go, like if I was driving by a little league field and somebody said that was the championship game of little league, I would actually pull over and watch it from my car, like a creepy pedophile. No, I would, I would, I would walk up and I would sit amongst the parents. So they would, they would not feel uncomfortable. Um, but like, I don't, I don't, uh, I stopped watching the news years ago.

It just was, I couldn't watch it anymore. The same reason why I stopped going to church. I was just like, this isn't what's going on. What they're telling me isn't, is a guess. I just don't buy into it, you know, other than, that's why I like sports. I like watching ESPN because what they say is true for the most part. The Phillies did win two to one. There was 30,000 witnesses.

They saw it happen. But that other shit, when you start telling me what's going on and fucking Frankfurt or fucking Vienna or goddamn fucking Cairo, I don't, I don't know. Is it, is that what happened? Is that footage actually from that, from that fucking place? Did that happen this week? Am I still going to keep asking questions? Will this ever end?

I don't know. I'm sorry. You know, every once in a while, I get in one of those in my brain. It just, I can't, I try to get out of it. And then I just, it's like somebody else takes it over. Do you know those kind of people that do that shit when they're explaining something to you and then they start asking questions for you? Like if they were teaching you how to cook, you know?

So you put the water in the pan. Do I bring it to a boil? Almost. Do I throw salt in? Not necessarily. And you're like, dude, who the fuck are you talking to at this point? Oh, here's a nice trick for you, for your pasta that somebody taught me. You pour a little olive oil in there, keeps the pasta from sticking together.

You know, evidently, that's what the salt is supposed to do. I thought it flavored the water. I didn't realize that was supposed to help it not stick together. Oh, I made a great fucking meal. Not gonna lie to you. Not gonna fucking lie to you. Spaghetti and fork and meatballs. The lish.

Anyways, it's like I said, I haven't been watching a lot of shit on the news. I just don't watch it. You know, I think they should have to fucking sing the news, the way they do in the Catholic Church. You know, there was a guy who got attacked by two monkeys in South Africa. He decided he was gonna go down there and try to rehabilitate some chimpanzees that had been abused and they turned around, dragged them for two kilometers and kicked the shit out of him.

What a dumb fuck. Why would you fly across the world to get your fucking ass kicked? Did you guys hear about this dude? South Africa, Texas student attacked by chimp improves. Thank God he improves. This poor fucking bastard, he's a ranger, right? He loves animals. This is the thing about animal lovers.

You gotta realize that once you go past a certain level of domestic animal and you start getting into the wild, no matter how much you love them, they're not gonna love your back. Wild animals are like that dick you shouldn't have gone out with. You know, that person who cheated on you, that person who just doesn't have your back. Wild animals do not have your back. Your dog has your back. Your cat borderline.

Cats kind of have that creepy vibe that if shit went bad, they'd side with the intruder. You know what I mean? Fish, they just don't have any fucking say. They're like a Stepford wife. You know, that's why dogs are the best. They truly fucking love you. My dog fucking loves me.

We'll be on a walk and all of a sudden she just looked up at me. It's almost like she's smiling. You know, how fucking warped do I sound? She's probably just panting and it looks like she's smiling. It's probably going like, why does he have this fucking rope around my neck? This doesn't make any sense to me. If I really wanted to, I could rip his fucking face off. But in my world, I'm so in love with my dog.

Look, she's smiling. But that's not bad when you just have a dog. I think people who fucking, you know. Fuck with animals for a while. Wild animals, they start thinking like, oh, look at the cheetah. Oh, she's playing and all of a sudden this fucking launches itself at you. All right, I believe that we came from monkeys. I believe that we came from the apes.

I believe something else. So there's three in a row and this sounds smooth. But I by no means think that those fucking things like us. I don't give a shit if I teach it sign language and the chimps sitting there going in sign language. Hey, I think you're a cool guy there, freckled face cunt, you know. You know, there's no fucking way I'm ever going on the other side of the goddamn cage. This poor bastard was on the other, he was on the other side of the cage. He just got too close.

That's how fucking insane a wild animal is. Chimpanzees, they say, have the strength of six, six men. This dude got attacked by two chimps. That would be like getting attacked by a flash mob. Okay, like 12 fucking people. They just grabbed this motherfucker by his ankles. They reached underneath, I mean, I don't know what kind of bullshit cage they had. It was like a compound, you know, so they put up that, that, that cheap wire shit

when you don't want to rabbit to come in and eat your lettuce, right? In your garden, like they put that shit up. So this fucking guy sitting there, you know, is they going, doing that shit. And he's like, what are you guys trying to tell me? What are you trying to tell me? Right. And he's trying to sign to them. You guys want to play frisbee, right?

And they're sitting there talking to each other, going just two more inches, two more inches. Look at this dumb motherfucker who wants to play frisbee, right? And they reach underneath, grab them by his fucking ankles, strength of 12 men. They fucking pull them right underneath that goddamn thing. Like when you go to Quiznos and they stick your sub right through that poor excuse for a fucking brick oven. Yanked motherfucker right underneath.

Oh my God. And then they drag them for like another fucking two kilometers. However fucking far that is, I don't know. In my world, that's what's that, about a mile and a quarter. Because I know like 40 kilometer, like 60 kilometers is like 40 miles an hour. Who gives a fuck? They drag this son of a bitch basically through the length of every football stadium in the NFL.

And I can guarantee you it wasn't the nice turf that those guys play on. This was the natural habitat. Like I can't imagine the vice grip strength. Those those fucking things, man, they'll rip your foot off to rip your balls off. They'll rip your face off. They'll rip it off like you open a fucking goddamn thing of yogurt. Goddamn ice cream. When you just take the lid off, they do that to your face.

What the fuck are you doing near these goddamn things? You know. Jesus fucking Christ. I would have two tranquilizer guns and I would be wearing one of those fucking, you know, those suits you wear when you think you're going to get bitten by a shark. That chain link shit. There's no fucking way. There's no way fucking catcher's mask welded to my face.

I'm not going anywhere. And not only that, these aren't just regular fucking chimps that have been swinging around eating bananas, occasionally eating another monkey alive. Right. This isn't that shit. These are ones that were abused. They were already fucked with. OK, and having adopted a fucking abused dog.

And the goddamn schizo shit that that thing does, I can't fucking imagine. A goddamn schizophrenic fucking eight, two of them strength, the 12 goddamn men, and you're going to walk near the cage trying to sign. Hey, how about the weather, Frank, or whatever fucking human name you gave them? You're right. You're fucking God bless you. Your heart's in the right place. Fortunately, this kid doesn't seem like he had any damage like that.

But like this dude was so in shock, like they were finally able to just like stitch him up and stabilize him. And evidently, he's not in critical condition and it doesn't seem like it seems like he still has his balls, his feet and his face, which is incredible. But they say, you know, he has bite marks and and fractures, plural. Oh, my God, just treating you like a fucking ragdoll. That is the most horrifying shit in the world to me. Nature is the most horrifying shit.

I would rather have, oh, let's see. You know, the human equivalent, someone has to come into my house with a fucking chainsaw. I can deal with the goddamn, I could deal with the machete. All right, I could deal with that chainsaw is that that's hardcore. I could fuck a machete I could deal with. I think I could fucking do the sugar Ray Leonard, you know, stick my face out and then pull it back when he took a swing and then fucking try to take both your legs out. Only hardcore boxing fans got that one.

But I mean, if you were in a room with the chimp and that thing goes fucking apeshit, no pun intended, that thing is on the floor. It's up on the ceiling. It's across the room. It's like, it's like a comet and you're sitting there dealing with human speed. Dude, that's why we got the brains that we have. This white was so much smarter. We have to be because we're so fucking slow.

You know what I mean? You ever see the white guy who gets dunked on in those highlight films, you know, that fucking guy that they bring off the bench when the team's either up by 30 or down by 30. That guy, that's what we are in nature. Even the fucking athletic humans, you know, when nowhere near just think like a how fast a fucking snake is a fucking pit Viper Viper, right? That thing fucking you don't need your bit and that thing has left, left the fucking

building before you even did before that signal from your fucking leg going, Hey, we just got bit by a goddamn pit Viper even reaches your brain. That snake is already leaving. And then you go and then the real is and as the realization that you got bit hits you, you are, you're already collapsing. Why the fuck would you go out there? You know, I don't know. We had to be that fucking smart.

I can't imagine that the goddamn fear back in the fucking day you're walking around with a bunch of goddamn Neanderthals or whatever. Neanderthals, I guess I suppose to say I said Neanderthal my entire life, but it's Neanderthal, I guess. And what else was it? There was two tribes, one of them died off. There was Neanderthals. And then there was the fucking crow magnums.

And I forget what the fuck we are one of them one and the other ones. The other one of them was a little bit smarter and the other ones were a little dumber and the dumber ones died off. All right. And some people have a little bit of that crow magnum or Neanderthal in them, you know, because, you know, they're people, they fuck, right? It's going to be the dumbest education podcast you're ever going to fucking here. I just totally lost my train of thought.

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, Neanderthals, right? So I can't imagine just fucking walking around. Did you ever see that shit when they did that whole thing on crow magnums and Neanderthals? Like one of them was like fucking slower, like the fucking white dude in the NBA. And one of them was a little bit quicker, a little bit smarter. So they fucking did this shit where like when they would show them like taking down some prehistoric bison, like the fucking little smarter ones, you know, they could fucking, you know, that shit,

they could slip a punch, they could throw a goddamn spear, they could do, they could do it from a fucking distance, like this fucking jackass. He wasn't, he was too close to the goddamn cage. The fucking crow magnum, whatever, the dumber ones, they would like fucking, they would just brute strength, they would fucking run and try to tackle the thing and someone would, you know, separate their shoulder or break an elbow and there's nobody around to set that shit every step in your fucking non-existent shoes and your big stupid prehistoric foot.

He's just having that pain shoot through your body. I just can't imagine. I can't imagine sitting there looking out of a cave and everything is that much faster than me and I don't have a fucking door. I don't have a gun. You just must be just sitting there like, and you can't really communicate to the other person because language hasn't been developed yet. So you're just having that what the fuck look on your face.

That was probably one of the first phrases invented. Like are you shitting me or can you fucking believe this? I don't know, but God bless that dude. You're an animal lover. I totally know where you're coming from, but for the love of fucking God, those things are not your friends. Okay. I don't know.

Start P90X and stay away from that fucking cage. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine that? I'm getting dragged away by two fucking abused chimps. And you know God damn well. He saw that fucking Oprah one episode that woman came on with no face. I know he was fucking thinking of that shit. I hate those motherfuckers.

You know what it is? I like gorillas. I hate chimpanzees and I hate those little monkeys, the little motherfuckers that throw their shit at you. I can't stand those fuckers and I hate chimpanzees. I always hated those motherfuckers. I didn't know why. And now I know why.

That was my inner fucking, whatever the fuck caveman telling me, get the fuck out of here. Go back to the cave. Stupid. I don't trust them. I don't trust those fucking things. You ever go to the zoo and you just fucking, you just your eyes meet with like a lion.

Just that fucking look on their face when they, they, they shit. It's, I've said this before. It's like what the same look like when a hooker looks at you. Like it's, it's the real deal. You know, this isn't some fucking bullshit flirting, playing hard to get, get a couple of drinks out of you. It's, yeah, you got 20 bucks. I will suck your dick.

What? You know, lions, you know, it's, yeah, you got 20 bucks. I will suck your dick. What? You know, lions got that same look on their face. Like, yeah, if, you know, if you weren't in that fucking armored vehicle or on the other side of this, yeah, if I was hungry,

I would eat you. And no matter how much you screamed, I wouldn't give a shit. It would actually excite me more to rip your fucking head off. There's no way. There's no way. There's no fucking way. That's why I watch all those animal things, man. I'm fascinated.

And I, and I, I appreciate all those people that put themselves in harm's way because there's no other way to really gauge how strong an animal is until you see it slap around a human being. Like, I can't watch two fucking grizzly bears wrestle and slap each other. They're in the same weight class. You know what I mean? If I see him bitch slap a human being and watch the guy's head

spin around a couple times, I was like, wow. All right. I get that. I can now gauge that. It's like, yeah, like, like kilometers versus miles. Oh, Jesus. All right. I think we killed that subject.

Moving along. Holy fuck. 40 minutes in. We had a bunch of good emails this week too. So I got to get to this shit. All right. By the way, if you'd like to email me and tell me to shut the fuck up or ask me a question or anything, the official podcast

email is bill at the mmpodcast.com. Bill at the capital M, capital M, capital P, oddcast.com. That's it. All right. Okay. Here's the first question. Alcohol. Hey, fuckhead.

What's your favorite type of beer? How often do you drink hard alcohol? Not sure why I want to know so badly, but for some reason I do go fuck a pole. You know, people, just because I have an over the top podcast doesn't mean that I don't have feelings too. That was a guy like, I've been such a cunt to everybody who's written into me.

Like he's like, all right, I'm going to be a cunt to you first. So I guess I deserve that. All right. What are the questions here? What's your favorite type of beer? All depends. It all depends. There's beers that I like because they take me back to a fun time

in my life. Make a low blight Budweiser. Every time if I haven't had those beers for a while, make a low blights. The first beer I got drunk on and Budweiser was the king of beers. And I was a child of the 80s where you actually got a tattoo of the Budweiser label on your arm, you know, as opposed to this fucking shit people do nowadays with Chinese writing.

And I don't know, that's even old. So like whenever I drink that shit, it just takes me back to like when I lived in Massachusetts season tickets to the Pat's fucking ruins, Boston guy, you know, trying to fucking get laid, you know, working in a warehouse, no fucking debt, you know, all that shit. So I've tried to snobby beers. You know what's funny?

I don't like Belgian beers. I don't mind Blue Moon, but I don't live there too sweet. They got that sweet taste in them. I don't like that. I like beer more with a bite. I like German beers. Yeah, it all depends. I had like a fucking major thing with Guinness for the longest

fucking time. And then I went over to Ireland and I tried the Guinness over there and I couldn't tell the difference. I was like, I thought it's supposed to taste better over here. And I drank it all fucking week because I loved it. And then when I came back to the States, then the shit that they had in the States tasted like ass. And I've never kind of been able to go back to it.

So I don't even know if I answered the question. And how often do I drink hard alcohol? Not that much, but when I do. Oh, geez. I like Scotch and I like whiskey. I do. You know, I saw somebody recently who's been just drinking nonstop, like always embraced the lifestyle.

You know, cigar smoking, fucking whiskey, drinking hardcore. And oh my God. Dude, you can do that for a little while. But you do that shit in the 50s, man. You get like, you get that, your bottom lip always looks like you just put fucking chapstick on it, you know. And then you get this big head. You look like this guy.

He looked like a fucking old woman. I can't even tell you, he still has like a great head of hair. And he had like this badass rock star haircut that was a little short. But because his head was so fucking big and his torso was all fucking, you know, man-titted out. That's what he looked like. He looked like an Eastern European 60 year old woman.

You know those women who look like they could rip a tree out of the ground? I think Bill Marr said that. They asked him why he doesn't drink anymore. He goes, yeah, you know, after a while you start looking like Ted Kennedy. He's absolutely right. All right.

Beef curtain advice. And for those of you in the States, that's a slang for the hoo-ha. Beef curtains. Do the math. Think about it. All right. You ready?

Okay. Here we go. Here's the situation. I have a wonderful girl in my life. Oh, what? She doesn't know how to fuck. That's what I'm guessing. I'm guessing this is the way it's going.

I have wonderful girl in my life. Great attitude. Humor. Big tits. Nice ass. And a good family. Jesus Christ, dude. Marry this girl.

Sure, it seems good for now. But I have one issue. She also has some mean beef curtains. Then he put in parentheses, pussy lips just in case I didn't know. Uh, that kind of bug me, bug the ever living shit out of me whenever we get down to the dirty business. So much so to the point I looked up some cosmetic surgery

that basically gives the beef curtains a trim job and beauties the vagina. Wow, dude. Wow. All right. Now before I read the rest of this, if you're going to fucking ask me how to have this conversation, like listen, love, I love you.

I love you. I love your family. I love you. Your heart, everything, but is there any way you could trim your beef curtains? Maybe you can get away with it because you got that cool accent. I don't know, but she has it too. So she's not going to give a fuck.

You may pull this off with some foreign chick. Anyways, um, so he looks up cosmetic surgery to try to beautify the vagina. Now I know by now I must sound like a douchebag focusing on the little things. No, cause women do that too. Women focus on little things like that. That's a serious issue, dude.

Sex is a big fucking thing. But anyways, he says what my thinking is is I'm truly going to pull the trigger. He spelt it that way and keep this woman all to myself for the rest of my life. Aren't I entitled to have a great looking badge to look at for as long as our bodies don't wrinkle away? Wow.

I know there's a lot of women are fucking annoyed by this one. Yeah, what about your fucking dick and your wrinkled balls? Why don't you get a facelift for your sack there, buddy? I know they're all saying that. How can I ever bring this option up to her without, I knew he's going to ask me without completely destroying her feelings or making her hate me for being so pussy conscious. Thanks for the read.

Now go fuck yourself. All right. This is a simple one. Dude, there is no fucking way. You can bring that up to her without absolutely completely destroying her feelings. So you either need to accept this or you have to let her go. That's it.

That's it. I mean, I would think that if you actually truly cared about this girl, now all the chicks are going to be like, oh, I knew you had a heart underneath all those C words. If you truly care about this girl. I would think that that wouldn't matter. You know, and if she looks the way she, she's saying, you're saying that she looks.

I mean, what are we talking here? Like how far down are these things hanging? Is it like, you know, it's. I mean, if she got them, both of them pairs, could you like do like, could you like, that's bad. I would say, could you be like, do you like that Olympic? The fuck is that thing? You go on the rings.

Could you do that and still swing your feet up and not hit her pussy? Are we talking like it's that bad? You know, if you did the iron cross, would your head be in her pussy? Like how far are these things hanging down? Hey now, what's the deal with beef gardens? All right, dude, there's no way.

There's, there's no fucking way and don't, don't do that to her because she can't do anything about that. If she had a problem with her fucking vaginal area, you would have known by now because she would have been self-conscious and she would have brought it up the way sometimes girls do about parts of their bodies and they are super self-conscious about their bodies because we're so fucking visual. All right.

I told you one time when the first girls I ever hooked up with when I got her shirt off and her bra off, she rolled her eyes and I thought she was thinking that I was like, oh my God, like I'm not doing it for her. Like she's rolling her eyes like this guy's lame. And I found out later she was self-conscious about the size of her breasts. So I totally took it the wrong fucking way.

I made it all about me because I'm self-involved. So, yeah, don't do that to her. All right. Either you can, that's one you just silently have in your head. Either you accept that shit or you move on, but there's no reason to hurt this person because you're a shallow cunt like me. All right. All right.

Cheers. Sister, what is it? Sister, sister's a, Christ, I can't even fucking read. You know what it is? I put it into a different document and it doesn't show it. For some reason, capital letters don't show up in this. This new fucking computer, I'm just not liking it. I have to read this because I think this is a funny title.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. You know what's funny? I always do that. Hang on, hang on, hang on. You know what that's from a long time ago when fucking, when Eric Clapton did a unplugged and they played that stupid. Would you know my name like 9 million times that fucking summer and you want to kill yourself, but he's got a moment during that

that is unplugged where he starts a song and he fucks up and he goes, Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. For some reason that is stuck in a loop in my head. Anytime I fuck up, I saw that thing 20 years ago. And anytime I fuck up to this day, I go, hang on, hang on, hang on. All right. Sisters A through C. Here we go.

Tired of giving advice to guys with psycho suicidal girlfriends or people with STDs. Well, I got something a bit lighter for you here. Kind of like the course light version of your typical advice. Thank you. And it's perfect for the middle of summer. Let me kick my feet back on this one. So I know this lady who I've been friends with for a while now

and banged one time. She's the oldest of three sisters. So we all call her Sister A. About two years ago, I made out with Sister B in a club, not my initiative and ended up having sex with her the same night. Jesus Christ, dude. I went out with her. Dude, do they have like that thing on the back of their SUV

where they have the stick figures of the entire family and you just slowly keep axing them out? And the family doesn't understand. Are they trying to kill my daughters? No, just trying to fuck all of them, sir. Well, that's a relief. All right. Anyways, I went out with her for a while.

Oh, this is Sister B. And it was surprisingly not awkward when we were hanging out all together even though everyone knew the situation. Jesus Christ, what southern state are you in, sir? I'll go fuck yourself, people down south. That was funny. There's Sister B left me for one of her, one of my friends and got over it quickly enough.

Oh, and you got over it quickly enough. And nowadays I'm still in contact with Sister A and B since I'm not the kind of guy that holds a grudge for that kind of stuff. Well, there you go. It's very immature, which means you really didn't give a fuck about either one of them. So why are you going to be all upset, you know, like you own their pussy once you fuck it? I hate when guys do that. Anyways, recently since Sister C started talking to me more frequently,

after talking for a bit, she said she could pose for me since I'm a painter and she's a model and a 10 all the fucking way I might add. Oh, you fucking creep. You fucking creep. You fucking creep. So she was a 10 the whole time. So basically you're in a holding pattern, banging her older sisters, waiting until this girl was of age so you could fucking paint her.

Jesus Christ, I gotta, you know, I might have to stand up and applaud this one. This guy is taking it to another level. Dude, this is a fucking epic situation here. So you go, so here's my question. Does that proposition mean anything? Dude, you need my advice? I need advice from you. How do you fuck every girl in the same family?

Jesus Christ, this is like, do you know how long it's been since there's been a triple crown winner in horse racing? The last time someone won the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness and the Breeders Cup, is that what it is? Or is that a soccer match? I don't fucking know. I don't know a fucking horse. Since the late 70s, I would guarantee that it's been since the late 70s since somebody has booze banged three. I think a lot can do two in one family, but to get all fucking three. Dude, three, two is respectable.

Three is, no, it's beyond respectable. In fact, well, two, three, okay, everybody knows three is in the sporting world. Dude, that's a fucking dynasty. Okay, you just put yourself in there with fucking Bill Russell. You put yourself in there with the fucking Magic Johnson Lakers, you know? I wouldn't say the Kobe Lakers, you know, when you go out and you get Phil Jackson and fucking Shaq, that's that new shit that the kids like. I don't like that shit. Either way, dude, you're talking fucking dynasty.

Wait, Magic never won three in a row, but he had the Celtics to fuck with. They won three out of four years. Give me a fucking break. So here's Michael Jordan. There we go. So here's my question. Does that proposition mean anything? Is it a trap?

Should I try to bang her? Should I try and bang her to and get a third strike or keep my dick in my pants and avoid a potential shit storm? And if yes, do you have any tips, special tips on this special situation? All my friends are telling me to do so, but I thought I'd ask a more refined mind like yourselves before I did a move. Dude, you're looking at me like, dude, you're beyond me right now. Okay. This is like bull Durham. I'm fucking Kevin Costner.

I'm a lifer. Okay. You're going up to the show hitting brand new balls every fucking day. You tell me. Okay. I never banged two girls in one fucking family. You know, I was psyched if I was able to tag a couple of friends and we were all hanging out at a bar one night and you get that feeling like I fuck both of you and you both knew it and you both loved it. I hope please, please tell me you liked it.

Did you like it? Was I okay? Um, dude, I think you got to do it. You got to do it. You know, you, you've been above board the whole time. Sister A sister B, they all fucking knew everything. Right. Now I understand this is a little delicate.

Okay. He's trying to snip the last wire here. This is the kid's sister. Is it going to blow up in your fucking face? It's worth it, dude. It's worth it. It's worth losing a couple of limbs and your nose on this one. You got to do it.

The fuck, you know, dude, what the fuck? She says to you, uh, yeah, you're a painter. Oh, let me take my clothes off and you can paint my fucking twat. That's not art, dude. That's foreplay. Give me a fucking break. It'd be one thing if you're in a classroom of people. It's just you and she's standing there naked.

Dude, that's like one of the dev. Have they ever done that porn scenario in a porn? Jesus Christ, you might have found a new angle. Dude, that's phenomenal. That is fucking phenomenal. Dude, you got to do it. You got to do it. Did John Elway retire when he only got one?

He came back for another. Right? You got to do it, dude. Dude, that's like when Bush fucking the first bush, he stopped and he didn't get sedummed. You got to go all the way on this one, man. All right. You got to be like Marlon Brando in fucking apocalypse now. You just, you just, you just accept the fact you left the program.

All right. And I don't care how mad these girls get. Dude, you are at the precipice of becoming an absolute fucking legend. Legend. Who's going to be able to top that? Dude, there are celebrities who've had orgies. They've had five on ones and all that type of shit. Okay.

I guarantee you, they never fucked three fucking girls in the same family when they weren't famous, not famous. You're doing this shit with the gift of gab, whatever the fuck you're doing. Dude, you do this. You got to write a book. You got to write a book. That's, you know, that's what you should do. Collection of the most amazing pussy getting stories ever that you can somehow confirm. All right.

And it has to be none of that bullshit. The second you get famous, you get money that doesn't count. All right. That's garbage time. Okay. They put the fucking second team in there and you just fucking tit and layups. That's bullshit. I'm talking about just regular dude.

You talk yourself into it. You're a fucking legend. You got to do it. All right. This is my halftime speech. I'm going to quote Joe Bartnick quoting John Madden. Today is going to be the greatest day of your life, but only if you win. All right.

You got to do it. You got to fucking do it. All right. Here we go. Next one. Bill, fight over a picture with you. My girl and I drove up from San Francisco to see you in San Jose. You didn't drive up.

You drove down. If up to you means south, I don't know what the fuck you're doing. And it was awesome. Thank you. We were at the show where that lunatic in the front row was giving you a pastry or a pumpkin after every fourth joke. No, they were nice. This fucking lady just like lady, she fucking brought, she made an AC DC pumpkin.

She made a bunch of muffins and she brought cookies. It was like every, I guess I had three jokes about food and she just sort of brought them up to the stage. She was nice. I know what you mean though. It got a little crazy, but it went when she actually made the AC DC pumpkin. Anyways, I've seen you three or four times, but this is the first time since I've been listening to, uh, first time since I've been listening to the podcast.

So the show is over and my girl starts going on and on about how I need to get a picture with you. Uh, no offense, Burr, but I don't want a picture with you or with anyone. I don't know personally. Well, that's cool. He goes, uh, well, Megan, maybe Megan Fox, that totally makes sense. Um, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm not offended. You think like fucking standing there at the end of the show with people with the cell

phone cameras that they hand to somebody else and they don't know how to work them. And then they fucking, you know, even when they hit the right button, you got to stand there for like nine seconds before it finally clicks. It's a nightmare. Um, so I'm glad one less person I had to do that with. So he goes, uh, anyways, and I just feel like I was some, if I was some pseudo celebrity, I wouldn't want to be taking pictures with any dudes. Dude, did you have to really bring me down to fucking earth like that?

You're cunt. This guy's a fucking cunt. I know what level I'm at. You're fucking dick. You don't need to take my knees out. Anyways, um, what did he say? I don't want to take any pictures with dudes. Just chicks.

Yeah, that does make sense. Is this guy, you know, this guy's like, like trying to be my friend while he's subtly giving me shit. This is, I call this the Greg Fitzsimmons. This is what Greg does. Greg compliments you and buries the insult in the middle. I mean, for all I know Fitzsimmons is this Fitzsimmons wrote this because I think he realizes that I figured him out.

So he's like, well, now what's another way I can get him? I know I'll send an email and pretend to be somebody else. Sorry, that's my conspiracy theory kicking in. Um, anyways, that's the whole point, right? So, uh, I go to the bathroom and when I get back in the line to get a pic with you, it's about 30 deep. My girl at this point is still nagging after I already told her I'm not interested in taking a picture with Bill Burr.

Uh, now I got to get in. Now I got to turn into an asshole because she's still nagging me about this. And I have to sternly say, I don't want to take a picture. I'm not waiting in that line. I don't need you thinking for me. Let's go. Well, that's what you should do, but you shouldn't do it with anger. So we go outside and she starts going on and on about me being homosexual.

Yeah, that's her logic. I didn't wait in line to take a picture with you. So that automatically makes me quit queer. He said an insert Boston accent. I just kept asking her, why was she trying to start a fight with me? Uh, we had a great time. And now this I told her my hero growing up was Chris Cornell and I wouldn't even want a picture with him or an autograph.

I don't understand the desire to bug complete strangers for a picture or an autograph. Dude, I totally get this. Uh, he goes, Florentine does it all the time and brags about it on his podcast, but he thinks, uh, black dudes who keep the tags on their hats or match their shoes with their hats is gay. Uh, they're both gay, by the way. Oh, what? Getting a picture on that dude.

You just took a whole fucking left turn there. He goes, my girl isn't a fan of yours and thinks you're a sexist pig, but you turned her with your performance in San Jose. So what do you, what do you make of this? Billion? Yeah, that's weird. She didn't even like me. And then you go there and then she's demanding that you get a picture.

Am I queer because I didn't want to get in line and wait to take a picture for a half hour with you? Uh, no, you're not. You're a fucking guy who knows what he wants and you wanted, you know, you went there. You saw the show. You had a good time. You wanted to fucking leave. That's what you should have done.

And what's with chicks trying to make you do shit you don't want to do? Um, I don't know. You got to ask them. I have no fucking idea because you know what it is. They feel that they know what's good for you. They honestly feel that and they'll tell it to you with the straight face and then all their friends. Yeah, we do.

They just listen to us. Haha. Like they think that they have life figured out. And the reality is, is they have a part of life figured out. You know, and that's why you need them. You know, they have that fucking, uh, let's spruce up the place. Let's, uh, fucking do some shit that makes you feel uncomfortable. But secretly you really want to fucking do, you know, they know that.

So what happens is, is I think that they think that they know that all the time. So that was some shit where you're like, dude, I don't want to do this. And she thinks that no, you're just being a guy right now. And this is like, this is going to go into your, this is fucking gay zone. So they think you're just being a fucking macho guy when they don't realize that sometimes it's like, no, seriously, I really don't want to do this. I really don't want to go to brunch. I really don't want to go to your girlfriend's fucking birthday party

where we dress up like it's the 1940s. I really, I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I don't want to fucking do this. I don't secretly long to do this, but I'm worried that my friends are going to make fun of me. I seriously don't want to fucking do this. Okay. But the thing is, is this guy, is you're going to say it like that and then they go, you know, you're angry while you're being mean to me. Um, I don't know.

That's why chicks try to make you do shit that don't, you don't want to do. You don't want to do. And also a lot of them are selfish cunts just like us. Um, and if they want to do something, they think it's awesome. They can't figure out why you don't think that it's awesome. And you know, all right, I think I explained that 58 fucking times. Um, and go fuck yourself with the pseudo celebrity. That was completely unnecessary.

You know, fucking cunt. That actually hurt my feelings, even though I know it's true. All right. Where we go? Where we go? First date and money. I gotta, I gotta step it up here, man. What time is it?

Oh, an hour and four. I got to get out of this. Fuck. I got to get out of here. All right. First, what does, uh, first, what's the podcast? I'm 20 years old, still in college and newly single. I decided to try my hand on dating again.

I met this girl on Facebook. We messaged each other for hours before I decided to ask her out on a date. She accepted Jesus Christ, dude. She's probably sitting there like my thumbs are aching. Will you fucking ask me out already? She accepted. We made plans for me to pick her up. Uh, this would be the first date I've had in four months.

I drove to a place with, which was around 20 minutes from where I live. We went to the mall, which is where everyone basically goes in the weekend. So I thought that I would, it would be a good place to go. When we got there, we would decide, we were deciding on what to do. That's not a good game plan, dude. You should know where you're going to go and what you're going to do just to get it going. So then she, you feel like, you know, this guy knows what's, what's going on. All of a sudden you're making decisions and all of a sudden she's taken her pants off.

That's how it works. All right. You can't go there. You can't treat them like peers. You got to put them beneath you. You got to have them looking at the floor. That way they don't get to say good night to nobody. What movie?

Pope of Greenwich Village. I did a bad version of that. Um, anyways, when we got there, we were deciding on what to do. I suggested, uh, we watch a movie, uh, but nothing good was playing. See, you fucked yourself. So instead we decided to eat dinner, Applebee's. We ate at this restaurant in the mall and talked about getting to know each other. At the end of dinner, I paid because I was told the man pays on a first date.

What I wasn't told was whether or not I should pay for extra stuff. Oh my God. We started, you are, well, first of all, you already set a precedent that you're paying. The second you pay, you're paying for the whole fucking evening. Okay. And fuck all the women who right now going, that's right. That's right. Go fuck yourself.

You fucking freak cunts. Um, we started walking around and we go into a few stores and she starts looking at things around the store saying, I wish I had money to do, to buy this. I wish I had enough money to buy that. So what I did because I was trying to be the gentleman and impress her was offered to pay for those things she wanted. Oh dude, she, uh, you just fucked yourself. She totally doesn't respect you anymore.

You got used. I ended up buying her some sunglasses, a shirt, a dress and some shoes and a necklace on a first date, dude. On a first date, the first night out with you, just getting to know you, you buy your dinner and all this shit. So you do realize on the second date, if it's going to go any further, you know, relationship has to move fluid. That means you have to buy her even more shit. I'll add it up to around 120 bucks, not including the dinner. After that, I drove her back to her place and that was it. Of course it was Jesus Christ.

You got her a bunch of shit like you were already fucking her. That was like her blowing you and then asking, can you take me to a movie? Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on that. It's not happening. Anyways, we've gone out four more times since then. Of course she is. She's trying to get a whole fucking wardrobe out of you. And the only thing I got out of this girl was a make out section.

Yeah, that was a sympathy one. To be honest, I wasn't really expecting to get anything from this girl. So why did you buy her all this shit, dude? You got to work on your self-esteem here, man. You're setting yourself up to be a sap and that's exactly what's happening here. This is all on you and you have the power to change this shit. All right? Take this fucking girl out next time, not her, somebody else,

because you've already ruined it with this one. Okay? Find another girl, take her out. When you take her out, know where the fuck you're going to go and know what you're going to do. Okay? And when she goes, no, I wish I had that. Well, hey, you know, maybe you ought to work some overtime this week.

You know? Don't say that, but just think that. Go fuck yourself and, you know, and just be silent when they say that shit. Then they'll realize they overstepped some shit. And, you know, they'll probably feel like they got to make up for it by maybe giving you a handy. Anyways, I'm going to plow through this shit. After telling my friends about the first date,

all my friends said what I did was wrong and I shouldn't have done that. All my lady friends said what I did was sweet and rare for a guy to do. Yeah, because they want us to buy him shit. It's got me at the crossroad of who to listen to more. Listen to the guys on your team. Stop going on across enemy lines and trying to figure out what the fuck you're supposed to do. All right? Fuck all that.

The only time you talk to broads is if, you know, you're trying to, well, what should I get her for her birthday? What's some chick shit that you guys like? That's what you do. Okay? You don't fucking ask them, you know, should I spend all my money? Yeah, that would be sweet. Yeah, don't listen to them.

Listen to your friends. They're setting you straight. Dude, you dropped 120 fucking bucks and you didn't even get kissed. She got everything she wanted. You didn't get anything. Yeah, fuck all that, dude. Fuck all that. All right?

Don't ask women. Advice about fucking women like don't. Okay. Immediately you're making it an away game. Okay. You fucking talk to your guy friends. All right? And I'm not talking about like, you know, getting Neanderthal advice

because guys will give you stupid fucking advice to case and point myself. But like when it comes to shit like that, where you're basically, when you feel like you went too far, the women are always going to side with going too far in their direction. You know what I mean? That would be like if a girl came up to a guy and said, listen, my boyfriend wants to like, you know, possibly bring another girl into the bedroom. Should I do that?

I mean, what the fuck are you going to say? And what are they going to say? You know, come on. All right, here we go. Dilemma. Bill, imagine you met a girl. She's beautiful, has a great body, funny and totally into you. I did.

She lives with me. Oh, there's some extra points. Anyways, the night's going great and you're having a good time together and she goes home with you. So back at your place, you're making out and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. She starts to undress and she has great tits. Oh my God. Then she takes her pants to reveal she's wearing an adult diaper.

If the diaper is unsoiled, is it still a deal breaker? Yes, it is. Absolutely. 100 fucking percent deal breaker done over. That's it. It's over. I'm thinking you peeing and shitting and my dick has slumped over and it's like, Bill, you enjoy the rest of your evening because I'm calling it a day.

Absolutely a fucking deal breaker. Apps of fucking Lutely because that's going to take me. It takes me immediately back to a horrifying situation that I had. I think I told this story before. I'll tell it really quick because I got to get out of here hooked up with this girl. Fucking hot, sexy, fucking super tall, like model type chick to the point where we like doggy style. She had to like fucking like her.

She was too high. I'm going to plot through this because this is disgusting. If you don't like disgusting stories, plow through the next fucking 30 seconds. All right. Fast forward to it. All right. Whatever. So we hooked up and everything.

We started in the living room. We ended up in the bedroom. Okay. So you know that shit where there's like the trailer closed the next morning. She's picking up her stuff. I'm trying to help her out. I see her little fucking panties there in the living room and I went over to them and there was a, oh, this just freaks me out.

There was a fucking, I would say at least three, two and a half to three inch fucking skid mark in her fucking panties. I know. Disgusting. Yeah. So it's a deal breaker. Listen to the sound of my voice when I tell that story. It was just, it was fucking horrific.

All right. Overrated. Underrated. Underrated. Moving apartment. Okay. Underrated. Moving apartment at six in the morning and drinking JD at noon listening to AC DC on your

new balcony in the sun while looking at all the rest of the douchebags unpacking their truck with shit they don't need. You moved at six in the morning and nobody complained. What the fuck do you care? Right? You're moving out. Overrated. Vacuuming.

There's no way to do this without looking effeminate. Dude, that's a fucking great bit, man. You could actually sell that to a comedian. You could fucking kill with that. He goes, you got to limp, wristedly hold that cord out like tinkerbell with a wand. There's just no manly way to vacuum. Can't be done. It can't.

That is a woman's job. It's just fucking over. It's like wearing an apron. There's just no way to do it. The only way to wear an apron is a guy. It has to be that solid white one. You have to have all the other white matching shit like you're a fucking gourmet chef and you have to be a fat gourmet chef.

Other than that, you look like a douche. Underrating. Sweeping. Good old sweeping with a broom. Possibly saw dust from the bookshelf you just built. You can get out. You can get your elbows into it. No wrist involved.

Yeah, but then you get like that minor lung because you kick up all the dust. I'm actually like a neat freak and messy and I actually enjoy fucking vacuuming, but every once in a while I'll walk by a mirror and I'll see myself and I will burst out laughing or I'll immediately get embarrassed thinking of all my fucking crazy friends suddenly bursting and seeing me vacuuming and just trashing me for unmercifully for like two hours. All right, underrated losing weight. Once I turned 30, I decided I needed to get back into shape. I was 300 pound tub of shit and even XXL shirts were starting to feel snug at 300 pounds.

Fuck yeah. Jesus Christ. I haven't even really put on a ton of effort into it yet, but just by lifting weights every other day, riding my bike four or five times a week and by eating real food, I've been losing about 10 pounds a month for the last four months. Good for you, dude. That's fucking awesome. I love that shit.

Now, the best part is that for every 10 pounds I lose, the weight of the girls who are interested goes down by 30 pounds. Isn't that sad? Poor women. They just don't have enough people to choose from. That's great, dude. That's good for you, though. And I was thinking being older helps somehow too.

Maybe it's just knowledge and confidence, but I get harder chicks now than I could when I was 21 and in better shape. Yeah, because you know something? There's also this certain women out there that they find guys that are a little fucking overweight. They find you less intimidating, you know, as opposed to some guys standing there like a shredded adonist. Like, believe it or not, they actually get intimidated too. You would think because they have the fucking that they wouldn't. But some of them do hour and 60 minutes are running my yeah. Look at that.

I almost brought you all the way to break time or lunchtime by the time I get this fucking thing up. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Please keep all the great emails coming. Once again, the email is bill at the mm podcast.com. Don't take any shit. Go fuck yourself.

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