Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-12

Episode Date: July 31, 2012

Bill Burr rambles about apologizing for nothing, chemistry bars, and owning a house.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 30th, 2012, 2012, 12 years past the year of our Lord, oh geez, the year 2000. Remember that? And all the computers were going to crash, and everyone was going to run around with their hair on fire. And what happened? Nothing. Oh my God, it comes in ashtray way, and missed us. How many fucking times are they going to cry wolf? How many times are they going to say that everything's going to fucking end, and it never does? I want to know. I want to know. They call me the big pretender. Songs in my head today. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you don't like yourself, Bill,

and you're sick of the live. Maybe it is. I don't know what. All I know is I took my dog out for a walk. She did a four, which is number two twice. First one was solid. Second one started to come out like it was going to be, and then all of a sudden, right? I don't know what I do. I do. You know what I do? I do my best. I do my best to be a responsible neighbor. You know, I saw three people in my neighborhood just sitting in a car, and I just immediately assumed that they were pieces of shit. They had tattoos. They were smoking cigarettes. They just looked like scumbags. And I was sitting there going, well, they're kind of sort of white, so that's not racist, is it? But they're a real specific kind of white, like their nationality. They were 100% of whatever

the fuck they were. And I'll tell you right now, I didn't like them. All right? And my inner old man was starting to come out like, ah, get out of here. They're going to ruin the neighborhood. It's weird. When you buy a house, you just suddenly become really conservative. Before when I rented, I didn't give a shit if there was a homeless guy jerking off on the street. I thought it was funny. Look at that guy right outside my window. Who needs cable when that guy's sitting there rubbing one out? Ah, look at the lady running. It was great. But once you buy, you, every fucking little thing, ah, there's a pothole down the street. It needs to be covered. I did the other day. That's how old I am. I called 311 for the first time in my life.

311, can we help you please? Now, listen here. There's that old guy. You know, old people bitch. Old people bitch like that. You already heard the point nine times. You know, welcome to 311. What can we help you with? This pothole is still not covered. I don't know which one you're talking about. Crazy old man, crazy, freckly old man, Bill. Um, yeah, so I'm doing the podcast late today. And, uh, you know, I'm doing it late today because I recorded one and it wasn't funny. And I have a certain level of quality control. I had to go get some nourishment. And at the end of the day, I'll do this thing whenever the fuck I damn well, please. All right. So I'll you Twitter cunts, you TC's out there. If you want to keep fucking writing to me and bitch moaning

and complaining, just know this. I don't give a shit. You know, I know why you keep bitching at me because there's this new culture now where you have to apologize for nothing. Is that what you're waiting for me to do? Do you want me to go on, on Twitter and issue an apology? I find it offensive that he calls it the Monday morning podcast. And when he records it, it's his Monday morning and not mine. I feel it's false. Go fuck yourself. That's what this week was. This was a week of watching people that I'm huge fans of having to apologize or semi apologize or finesse for, for nothing. Absolutely nothing. Fred Willard, who doesn't like Fred Willard? You know, he allegedly rubbed one out or something touched himself in a lewd way.

Lude such a great word, isn't it? That really just sounds like what the fuck it is. Lude. You know, crude. Anything. Ood is not good. Right. Zood. Is there another word? Lude, crude. Mood. That mood could be a shut up, Bill. What are you trying to do some fucking Seinfeld bit here? Why does everything that goes food? Yeah, lewd. Lude just sounds like you're touching your fucking balls, doesn't it? A lewd act that should like come with that sound effect. You're on up the suspect is being charged with two counts of a lewd act. Right. And you got to like act it out. As you say it. No, well, you wouldn't my court in my fantasy court that I have Yeah, Fred Willard allegedly touched himself while watching a porno and he has to fucking

issue some sort of state for what? For you know, first of all, I don't understand what why are you apologizing to me or why are you trying to clear the air with me? I don't care what you do. Just make a good movie and I'll go see it. I don't care what you're doing. Like, all right, if you're out murdering people and touching kids, yeah, I have a problem, but if you're rubbing one out, I don't give a fuck. Is it or is it not a good movie, Fred Willard? If it is, I will go see it regardless of how you empty your balls. I don't care. The only reason why I needed to hear him issue a statement would be he should only issue the statement to the person who owned the movie theater, the guy whose job it is to

mop up after the shows and possibly the person that was sitting in front of in front of him. And that only is if when Fred climaxes, he rises to his feet. Other than that, what do you why? I don't need to know about it. I don't give a fuck. I don't care what anybody does. If you're not hurting somebody, John Travolta is getting a massage. He goes, Hey, you want to rub one out there, male masseuse? And the guy goes, No, I don't. And then I don't give a shit. And then what? I'm not going to see his next movie. If it's good, I'm going to go see it. I don't care what that guy does. It's none of my business. And I don't think any of that shit is embarrassing. Or I don't think there's any shame.

You know, it's not our fault. Our balls fill up. And we got to get rid of it. You know, and there's a bunch of different ways to do it. And if you're not hurting anybody, I don't see what the problem is. You know, I don't I don't get why why you're apologizing. I mean, you jerked off to allegedly jerked off to a porno. I mean, what are you going to do next? You know, he's got to apologize for playing catch with a baseball. I mean, that's what it's what it's there for. I mean, they make porno so you jerk off to him. All right. If you don't want somebody to jerk off and you fucking allegedly jerk off in your movie theater, don't fucking show pornos. Why don't you show Spider-Man? Okay. There you go. There you go.

If he was jerking off while watching Spider-Man, Jesus Christ, Fred, there's kids there. You know, even then, if he wasn't looking at any of them, if he just was truly turned on by Spider-Man or the chick who was dating Peter Parker, then that's to me, that's his own fucking issue. You're good with me, Fred Willard. I'm going to go see your next movie, whether I think it looks good or not. What do you think about that? And a little show of solidarity. I'm sick of fucking this whole new, this new, what do they call it? This new climate. No, this new Petri dish. What the fuck is it? This new atmosphere. Hey, you know, I went to one of those chemical bars the other night. I wasn't drinking and I went there and it was one of

those things where they fucking, you know, it's like a chemistry thing. This guy's got a paint brush out and he's painting the inside of a glass. Then he lights something on fire, blows it out, puts the smoke into the glass and then pours the drink in and everybody then drinks it and is like, oh my God, this is the most amazing thing. I don't buy it. I couldn't taste, I mean, my sense of taste and smell is kind of bad, but to me, it just seemed like that dude on Green Acres, you know, when he would come up with some hunk of shit, like just a rusted out radiator and be like, this is a genuine bassoon from the Rio. I mean, just he would just make up shit. This guy basically was trying to say that he takes an apple and he sucks the atmosphere out of it. He literally said

that in like Colorado or something. I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. And he tells you this fucking story that is so heavy on the chemistry, you can't help but feel like a fucking idiot. So by the time he dips the straw in it and gives you a chance to taste it, it's like that moment when you're in a fancy restaurant and somebody gives you a pours a glass of wine and it's that, that, you know, as you're swirling it around acting like you can taste the difference between a $90 and a fucking $4 bottle of wine. I can't, I have never drank wine and been like, yeah, you know, no, no, it's fucking wine. It tastes like wine. I don't have that sophisticated level of power. So by the time this guy got done explaining sucking the atmosphere

out of an apple, it's like at this point, if it's almost like if you say it tastes like a goddamn, you know what it tasted like? It tasted like, you know, like homemade popsicles, you know, awful or when you have a popsicle and it kind of melted a little bit and is that the gooey shit is on the inside of the wrapper. And for some reason, you lick the wrapper just how fucking gross. I mean, it tasted like that level of sweet. And everybody was just taking the straws, just taking it. They were like, oh my God. And I was like, either I'm a fucking moron or this is like the emperor's new clothes because this shit is just, it tastes like a popsicle. Um, was that story worth telling? I don't know. Looking back, maybe not. But looking forward,

um, a buddy of mine, stand up comedian was involved in a scandal, air quotes, you know what he was doing? He was in a comedy club trying out new jokes. Can you believe that? What the fuck was he thinking? People, does anybody out there understand that you have no right to get offended when you, when you, as a, as a, an adult make the free choice to go into a comedy club? All right. You don't have a right to be offended. You don't. You don't. All right. You just, the second you walk in there, everything is fucking free game. That's what it is. All right. That's, it's not like you hired a comedian to do a private party and you gave him a list of shit of subjects that you wanted him to

stay away from him or her and that comedian agreed to it. Now, if that's the case, you're paying him and said, Hey, don't bring up a fucking cheese whiz and the person does it better and agrees to not do it and then goes up there and does that exact thing. Then yeah, not only do they owe you an apology, you shouldn't even fucking pay him because they, they void it out the contract. But in a comedy club, you didn't hire those comedians. You decided to go down there and watch comedians, try out material, give you that best shit, give something that kind of works, throw some shit against the wall. That's our house. That's our dojo. You're not entitled to a fucking apology. I thought that was the most, half, half the people bitching about that dang

cook joke. It's like they don't even, they didn't even get the joke. The joke was not making fun of the victims in Colorado. It was using that as a, as a, as a reference. He was talking about how bad he thought the new Batman movie was. So right out of the gate, half the people didn't even get what the fucking joke was about. And then secondly, Dane didn't film himself and then upload that onto the internet. Somebody in the crowd did, right? So why does he have to apologize? He told that joke in LA and they tell you at the beginning of the show, do not videotape the comedians. Please do not videotape the comedians and the person videotapes them. And by the way, I heard the crowd laugh. Joke sounded like it did. All right. Wasn't a complete joke. It's just,

you know, something he's working on and some of the best material comes out of that material. So he has to basically apologize for building a new hour of material. You know, I don't get that. You don't, I, and I don't think that comedians should apologize. I think it's absolute bullshit. And look, there's all different kinds of comedy. There's dark comedy. There's, there's absurd. There's blue. There's squeaky clean. And it's like music. There's all different kinds of music. Go gravitate towards the shit that you like. But like, you know, if some asshole in the crowd films a comedian in a comedy club, our house, our dojo and puts it up there. If you got a fucking problem with it being there, talk to the person who videotaped it, because I think that's

the only person needed to apologize. All right. He should apologize for Dane for taking tape in his act. And then he should apologize to anybody, you know, I guess who fucking saw this new joke that Dane didn't put on a special or do on fucking Letterman. It's the stupidest fucking thing on the planet. Go fuck yourself. And you know what kills me is when you apologize, your action. I feel like that's an admission. Then you're saying the other person was right. Like, yeah, I meant that in a malicious way. You know, like what kind of a moron watched that joke and actually thought that Dane was actually supporting what that psycho did in Colorado. You know what I mean? Who is that fucking stupid? You know, I don't know. And like I said, at the end of the day, he just told the

joke in the comedy club and the crowd laughed. That's what kills me on all of these. The crowd fucking laughs. I wrote on Twitter. I'm going to quote myself here to have to have a just just have a new level of arrogance on this podcast. You know, after the last one, was it Tosh, I think was the last one is the philosophical question is if a comedian tells a joke in a comedy club and the whole crowd laughs, except for one person, is it really a national news story? You know, because that's another thing too is I feel like that's just like it's like a good way to kill five minutes on a newscast, where you can just say that there's outrage where there was no outrage. There was no outrage. There wasn't. If there was like truly outrage, you would have heard it after

he told the joke. You would have heard people yelling out groans, moans. You would have heard that you didn't. You heard a joke got a decent laugh. That was it. And then he moved on to the next one. It's I mean, is that was that what doing standups going to be now you're gonna have to sit there and be like, I'd like to apologize to anybody who is lactose intolerant. I should have chosen my words more carefully. Go fuck yourself. Right? Am I out of my mind? I don't know. It's a whole new world, whole new world of fucking snitches, just out there just trying to get people in trouble. All right, well, here's something for you. E voice, everybody. Would you like to have a would you like to have your cell phone ring, but have people not know what your real number is?

You know, wouldn't you like to get like have a cell phone, right? And only your friends and family knew the real number to it. And then you could come up with these virtual phone numbers that people could dial that, but weren't really your phone number, but your cell phone would still ring. Would you be into that? Would you be into a service like E voice that will allow you to do that? And off these, these virtual phone numbers, you could actually you could do conference calling on your own new business. And on the conference call, a feature where you could have actually up to 95 people for each extension. It's incredible. It's basically it's a business phone number that will that will ring on your cell phone. Okay, without anybody knowing your personal one, which

gives you the option of knowing whether it's a business one or a personal one and not answering it and whatever. It's absolutely perfect. It's an amazing thing. They offer an entire service where you can toll free local managing of outgoing calls. This is all all the this is all the the the what are the options came to think this week. Mobility all calls forwarded to a number slash people don't have to know your your personal phone number, virtual numbers. So long as you have a real number, you can give out fake numbers, but it rings on your own number. And if you don't pick up on your business, your your new virtual phone number, they actually have professional accents, professional voice actors,

to give you any any sort of like like an outgoing message like if you want to give the illusion that your business is bigger than it is, you have a bunch of employees, one of the options that they have is that you can actually have like I personally I would pick some sexy female voice with like a British accent just gives your business credibility. You know, they'll send you emails with the text transcription of the voicemail or not. The option is totally yours. It's a great way to basically have all these different business lines without having to drill a bunch of holes in the wall in your house. You know, you got Hello, welcome to widget, widgets are us or whatever. I'm doing a bad

accent. You know, I'm saying you can start the whole frigging thing. So it's email e voice. Check it out today. Do I have a website here? What the hell is it? Hang on one second. Let me get this website. Yeah, it's evoice.com. There you go, Bill. You're genius. Once again, evoice is your mobile phone at work. It's perfect for business business person on the move. Like myself, I'm actually going to get one of these phone numbers just because when I travel from club to club and all these different radio stations like my my phone number gets out there and and I get weird phone calls sometimes, you know, I rented a car in Chicago with like Avis

like three months ago. And then out of nowhere, I got it. I had to write down my my fucking cell phone number. And the guy worked at Avis called me up. Oh, actually sent me a text. Hey, so you stand up the other day. Really funny. I'm the guy who rented you the car at Avis, which is beyond creepy. And I'm a dude. So I can only imagine how that would make a female. So it gives you the great like privacy options while you still exist in the business world features evoice offers includes call forwarding call routing toll free 800 numbers auto attendant advanced voicemail voicemail detects or voicemail the email however the hell you want to do it. Click on the evoice banner on bill burr.com on the podcast page or go to www.evoice.com slash bill burr to get your

exclusive six month free trial, six month free trial, evo, evo, your mobile phone at work. That's one of those ideas where I'm just like that right there is why I'm not a billionaire. Because I just look at that like that idea was just out there. And I just did nothing. Why didn't I jump on that like YouTube? That's one of those ideas. Anyways, another thing real real quick here, we got legal zoom. And this is for so evoice, there's there's your business phone number. Now if you actually want to get incorporated, these two right here evoice and legal zoom if you're sitting in a cubicle right now and you want to somehow get out if you have a business idea, or an invention or anything, these two,

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family today at legal zoom.com. You also get a special discount from listening to this podcast. Make sure you enter burr BURR and the referral box at checkout for more savings legal zoom is not a law firm and self help services are provided at your direction. There you go. All right. So there's that back to the podcast. Did I read that correctly? Do I have to apologize to anybody? You know, who do I have to apologize for that the reading out loud anonymous foundation, whatever the fuck it is. Have you noticed that they only go after they only try to make really successful people apologize? Because God knows I've said enough shit on this podcast, haven't I? That at some point you're not I have to issue an apology.

You know, I don't that's why I like I like my life is no one's dependent on me. I go out of I do stand up no biggie, right? It's just me. I do this podcast. It's just me. If I fuck this up, I just fuck myself over. But either way, you can't stop me from doing either one of these. You know, maybe you can affect the amount of listeners I have amount of people come out to my shows, but I'm not motivated by money. You know, as you can tell by my wardrobe. My motivation is I don't ever want to have somebody telling me what I have to do. You know, hey, get over there and pick up that but you go fucking pick it up your cunt. You know, I always hated that. I don't like having a boss. So that was my dream in life,

not having a boss and I don't. So you can do it yourself, get your fucking ass out of your cubicle. All right, get yourself a virtual phone number at E voice and get yourself incorporated or trademark your invention at legal zoom.com. Right there. I gave you the tools. You know, I'll shut up Bill. All right, I'll shut up. Oh, by the way, speaking of Dane Cook, let's let's talk about some positive Dane Cook news. Dane sent me an email. All right, I'm in his circle, not bragging. He mentioned that he was going to be at the Hollywood Bowl performing in the musical the producers and he said, come on down if you want to. So I was in that dilemma where I love Dane, but I'm not a fan of musicals. I'm just not a fan of them. And that goes by just, you know,

you know, it's fucking bullshit as I went and I saw one and actually enjoyed it. But that's just one of those guy things. You can't say that you're a fan of a musical, you know, so I went down to like, all right, I got to support Dane. So I'm going to go down thing. It was fucking hilarious. It was at the Hollywood Bowl and unbelievable performances. And I'm going to tell you something right now, Dane absolutely fucking killed it. I wish he hadn't neared down here because I'm friends, you know, you think, oh, you're friends with them. So you're just going to say that now he fucking killed it. And I was so proud of him. And I was sitting there watching it, remembering all these hell gigs we did like 20 years ago

at like fucking this pub. Kelly's was the first time I think I saw Dane or maybe at this comedy club stitches. I mean, half, half the gigs I like the first 200 gigs I did, half of them were done in places where it wasn't a comedy club. And most of the crowd didn't even know that there was going to be a show. And we'd always be in the corner. I remember to be me, Dane, Aldell, Benny, Bobby Kelly, Patrice O'Neill, all the guys I started, we'd just be huddling over in the corner, just going, Oh, this is going to suck. This is going to eat a bag of dicks. That was like one of the first comedy expressions I learned. This is going to suck a big bag of fucking elk dick. And you would just sit there and watch your friend go up there and just absolutely

just humiliation, just standing there, trying to make people laugh who aren't listening and don't want to fucking show and just taking those fucking lumps. And I remember Dane would just was always would go full out, totally commit. And when I was watching him in that show last night, I was seeing all these little, little subtle things that I used to see him do in all those hellrooms. And it was fucking great. And I said, what's up to him in the end? And when I walked out, it was hilarious was one of the leads in it is that redheaded dude with the with the beard on modern family. The guy was hilarious. And he was he was great. This musical too. And when I walked out was fucking hilarious. I see this guy look kind of tilts his head to the side,

he got excited looking at me as I'm walking out. And then his face dropped. And I was like, you know, my ego, I'm thinking, oh, he recognizes me as a comedian. And I can't confirm this. But I think he thought I was that dude. From a distance, he thought I was that guy on modern family. And then when he saw me in my hairline, he's like, Oh, that's that's not him. That's just some jackass with the beard. Oh, wasn't that sad? Hey, I got a drum question for y'all for the drummers, any drummers who listens to this. I can't decide on this one. That song by Van Halen, Mean Streets. Does Alex play that the hi hat? Does he play it with two hands or with one? I saw him live in concert, he played it with two. And then I watched a video the other day,

and he played it with one. But he wasn't playing straight sixteenths. But when I listened to it on the album, it sounds like it's straight sixteenths. Can somebody please help me with that? Because I'm working getting back to the pushpulse and with the stick, trying to get it up to speed. And how do you do that? I listened to Lenny Kravitz, it ain't over till it's over. And then I listened to what's his face. Bill Withers use me. And I just keep, I play up to tempo with each hand. And each day I can play a little bit longer, but I pay attention to the fact I don't want my forearms burning because if they are, then I'm not doing it right. You know, for those of you who aren't drummers, one of the things, the problem you have is, you know, if you have great technique,

you can effortlessly play the drums and you don't have to deal with carpal tunnel or any fucking injuries or any of that shit. So sorry, that was my own little thing. And speaking of that, I want to start, I want to start making some drum covers and upload them onto YouTube anonymously. You guys will never find them. So good luck to you. But I'm using that iMovie 2012. And I don't, I obviously, you know, can film myself and upload myself. But I don't know how to, how do you drop the music in? You know what I mean? So you hear my drums playing, you know, it's like I shoot the video and all you hear is me playing the drums to whatever song, right? And then what I want to do is drop in the audio of the song.

And like obviously have an in sync to me playing the drums, because I just want to see what kind of reviews I'm going to get. Because if I put it up there and it's me, first of all, it's going to look cheesy. And then second of all, it's going to be, I don't know, I want people looking at, I want people watching it like this guy actually wants to try and make it as a drummer because I want honest criticism. And then I'm not going to tell you where they are on YouTube. But I will read you the worst comments. How about that? Is that fair? That'll be good for some comedy. All right. Okay, here we go. Response to Penn State should keep their wins. Last week, I talked about, you know, obviously, I agreed with every every punishment that came down on Penn

State, except for the, I just thought them losing their victories. I just felt like that punished the players and the fans and the fans and the players were 100% innocent. And these guys whose NFL dreams died because they blew out their knee in a game that they won. And now you're going to take that away from them. And I just feel like it just seemed like it went above and beyond. So this guy says, Bill, in response to your, your view that Penn State shouldn't have to forfeit the wins. Should Germany have been allowed to keep the countries they conquered in World War Two? No. I like when people ask me a question like, and I think that they want my opinion, but they just answer it themselves. So he says, no, when we kick their fucking asses,

we took away their land, took away their army and placed sanctions on them. We didn't say, hey, Hitler's dead. So why should we punish the rest of you Germans? We made a fucking example out of them. And we need to do, to do the same thing to Penn State. Not all the Germans were Nazis. Not all the players did anything wrong. Did anything wrong? Dude, none of the players did anything wrong. What fucking, what internet do you have? What, what TV shows are you watching? If they have a problem, go immigrate to another university where wins count enough with the poor me bullshit. Your supreme holier than now ruler fucked up big time. Fuck him and all you queer lions. So there you go. You know what, sir? You were starting to make a point there. And then in

the end you, you, you end up, you know, that's like a typical internet point. You start to make a point and then you either say something racist or homophobic in the end. First of all, I disagree with that analogy because that analogy you're suggesting that the Penn State players were Joe Paterno's army and that they were in the know and Joe Paterno was Hitler and the people in the army were, they knew what the fuck he was doing and they helped him, they helped him do it, which they didn't. They didn't. They were just playing football games. All right. And should Germany have been allowed to keep the countries they conquered in World War Two? Well, a war is like a game, dude. That's a game. All right. And they won the first half and they lost the game. So no, they shouldn't

be. But they did conquer France and that is in the history books. They fought France in World War Two and they beat them. That victory counts. They conquered Poland. They conquered the fucking Netherlands. They lost in England. They lost to the Russians and they lost to us. So right there off the top of my head, they were three and three. They conquered Norway with the help of Sweden. All right. All those wins and losses counts, sir. So I don't know what you're saying. Like that point doesn't make any sense. And the fact in the end, you see, you're all, all, you know, fuck him and your queer lions. That basically sounds to me like you're a fan of a team in the Big Ten. Or maybe you like one of them Southern coaches that had, you know, more wins than Jopah.

So I agree to disagree, sir. And you lose points on your, your hacky example of Germany and the Nazis. It always comes down to that. No matter what you do, I pick up my dog's shit and I throw it in somebody else's trash can and they go, sir, could you please not do that? It's trash. You worried that I'm going to make your trash stink? You know, and then they'll say something. Well, did Hitler, it's like when Hitler, it isn't, it isn't like when Hitler, it isn't. It isn't. Okay. You should have gone like John Wayne Gacy there. That's what I would have gone. Anyways, all right. Female roommate. How'd it be? You said howdy. So I'm reading all this in a Southern accent. I could use some advice.

I'm a 27 year old guy living in an apartment and with a 19 year old girl. She did move in a couple of weeks ago, a couple of months ago. We've been getting along great, but over the past few weeks, she's mentioned her sex life a couple of different times, mentioned how she loves to give head. Yes. Could it be the most perfect roommate in the world? You're the reason that God made a hole. All right. So she likes sucking dick. Okay. I see nothing, but sunshine so far. Where's the rain coming? Here we go. And just the other day, she mentioned out of the blue that she posed for some nude pictures. Uh-oh. And she has no problem with nudity. All right. That's a major caution flag there. Anybody who takes nude photos or is in the,

the porn industry. Yeah, you got to watch out there. That's a ticking time bomb. Oh, geez, what happened? Was it your uncle? Was it the guy down the street? Who was it? She seems to basically say everything she thinks. Oh, she basically said, seems to say everything that she thinks will get a rise out of me. Rise. You get it? That's what he said. He put that in parentheses. All right. Here we go. At first, I didn't know how to approach the situation. So I just ignored her when she tried to steer the conversation towards sex, but she seemed to do this repeatedly. And I had enough with it. And I came on to her and told her that I wanted to see the pictures and then joked with her

that it was for artistic reasons. Um, she seems shocked that I'd asked such a question. Oh, here she goes. Going to yank the rug out. And she joked with me and called me a creeper. She seemed to flaunt her sexuality in front of me and say how open she is with everything. But the second I made a move, she made me feel like a creep. There you go. You got one of those, sir. You got one of those. Oh, gee. Oh, geez. This is the, this is like, she's a, an Olympic level, uh, uh, what do you call dick tease? And I say Olympic level cause she's actually dabbled in the porn industry with the nude photos. Um, I either want to bang this girl or get her to quit throwing her sexual suggestive topics at me and quit using me as an emotional tampon.

Help me out, Bill. Go fuck yourself. I would say exactly what you just said, not the banging part. Just say, listen, um, just, you know, you don't, you know, you just go, I would just go fucking don't curse. Don't say anything fucked up. Just straight out say, just say, listen, ever since you've been here, you have been just openly talking about sex. You talk about how you enjoy giving oral sex. You mentioned that you have nude photos. You don't have a problem with nudity. You're constantly bringing up sex. Okay. And the other day, you know, no, I can't go that way. Cause then she'll be like, well, cause you came off like a creep. Just tell her, look, don't, don't bring up sex anymore. Can you just don't, don't bring up sex anymore.

Uh, and just when she says, why just say, cause I'm not comfortable with you talking about it. All right. I would just like to have a roommate to roommate relationship. You know, I'm not trying to be a jerk here. Just please don't talk about sex anymore. And that would be perfect. Cause then you will totally like take away all of her powers. So you just took the rope away from Wonder Woman right there. You know, and once you take a rope off, she can't find her jet. Isn't that how it worked? Come on nerds. Any nerds listening to this? And actually that's not true. She could see her invisible jet.

That was one of the dumbest, you know, that was such like a chauvinistic thing that they gave her. It wasn't an invisible jet. Superman can fly by himself. Doesn't even need doesn't even need a fucking plane. Wonder Woman can't fly. She needs a jet just like the rest of ours. But to make it interesting, they make it invisible. Not at any point did they say that Wonder Woman invented the invisible jet. You know, she didn't. She didn't. She's too busy fucking going to the gym, you know, keeping her stomach flat and fucking around with that rope. So that's all she really is. She's just kind of like this. Well, I guess she can block bullets with her wristbands.

So that's unbelievably like reptilian quickness. So I'll give her that. But other than that, you know, if she wants to go to California, she's got to get on a plane just like the rest of us. And she's got to fly herself out, which I guess is kind of cool. I don't know how hot was fucking wasn't I was gonna say Linda Blair was Linda Evans the fuck was her name? Claire, what was the name of the woman who played a one woman in in the late 70s? Oh, did I love her? I've loved every fucking that's back before there was like 9000 channels. So every woman on television back then, you know, if they were playing a sexy role, it wasn't they weren't outside the box. No pun intended. They were just fucking straight up. They were at 10.

She was hot. All three Charlie's angels, they were all hot. Jamie Summers, the bionic woman, she was fucking hot. Therese company. I thought they were both hot. I liked them all. Alice was hot. Vera was hot in a weird way. You could keep flow. They'd be one every once in a while. But they were all they were all like, they were hot Gloria. You know, if you get past her voice, she was a fucking haughty. Adam and somebody ugly. It really wasn't Marsha was hot, Jan by the end of it, she came into her own. Yeah, just a bunch of hotties. Hotties, they weren't horny, though. They didn't have horse back then. You know, did they? I don't know. All right, let's plow ahead here.

Depressed dude. A Billy Cunt exclamation point. I've been listening. I've been listening to your podcast for years. Your deranged psychopathic perspective reminds me I'm not the only one shaken ladders. I don't know what that means. This guy from Boston. I've been listening to the podcast for years. Your deranged psychopathic perspective reminds me I'm not the only one shaken ladders kid. That still doesn't sound even if the accent shaken ladders. I don't know what that means. Anyways, I got a problem. Yeah, I was in Boston all last week. So the boss, the Boston accent kind of came back the whole, uh, you know, I got a problem. So I say, get a job, get a job. Do it easy to get a job. And for those of you working on your Boston accents,

J-O-B, just say like jaw, like I'm going to punch you in the jaw and then B job. Got to get a fucking job. You know what kills me right now is like fucking 200 of you right now, just muttering to yourself, get a fucking job in your cubicle, freaking out your co-workers, just mumbling, get a fucking job. You fucking cocksucker. I got a problem for years now. I've been trapped in my KFC and wet wipes. Okay, that's disgusting. I used to be a bodybuilder, an actor and a comedian with fucking prospects right in front of me. But then adulthood raped me in the eyes. Oh, Jesus, could you be more dramatic? It sounds like that fucking chick from a sex in the city. Crazy broad broke my hat. I had, this is the guy again, crazy broad broke

my heart. I had to cut away old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles. All right, dude, this is like getting creepier with each sentence. If you don't bring this around in like two sentences, I'm going to abandon this. I had to cut away from old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles. Dude, what did you do that your friends and family decided they didn't want to be around you? Anyways, I don't feel sorry for myself or want any pity. I just, you're not going to get any so good. I'm glad you don't. He goes, I just want to know how to get out of this never ending routine of demise. Well, first of all, I would stop using those goth death metal words, you know, demise. What else you got in here?

Adult rape me in the eyes. These are like song lyrics. You know, depressed, dude, what would be the name of this trap? Right? It sounds like I can't sing like that. All these fucking kids getting like wet fucking whiplash. I work too much in a job that was supposed to pay for my comedy career. When I don't work, I was supposed to pay for my comedy career when I when I don't work. I sleep or when I don't work, I sleep or watch endless DVDs. I'm 24 years old. What the fuck? This reads like you're 56. Dude, he goes, I'm tired all the time from all the hating of the

world and my body just won't listen to the screaming frustration in my soul. Dude, you listen to like you listen to progressive metal, I'm guessing by the words you use here, either that you play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm really not helping into oppression by shitting on you through all of this. Don't worry, I'm going to give you some sunshine here in the end here. So I sometimes get a spark of motivation to get back in shape and to start writing a script, but it only lasts for a day or two at the most. Yeah, exactly. And then the work comes and you have to keep going. And that's what separates the people in life who fucking work and make it and those who don't. You know, everything's fun for a couple of fucking days. I'm going to get shredded.

I'm going to join a boxing gym. I'm going to look like I'm going to fight in a title fight. And you go down there, you skip rope. I'm going to get abs. You're doing all the fucking shit in two days in, you know, after two days, you get tired. All right. And that's where you need the discipline to get up and go over there, even though you don't want to, you know, people who've written Oscar winning scripts, I bet they don't like fucking doing it on a certain level, but they keep going. So I would just tell you to keep fucking going. Anyways, let me read the rest of this overly dramatic shit. I've lost all faith in the world, have nothing to fight for anymore. I respect your go fuck yourself attitude and want

and want to know what you did to finally pick yourself up from your daughter's inflicted depression. Sorry, it's not the funniest emails, but I can really do with your advice. I know, dude, I'm fucking with you. I know you're going through some shit. So here we go. I'm going to help you out here. First thing I would do get rid of the KFC and wet wipes. All right. If you're already kind of a depressed dude, if you eat bad food, that's just going to add because I'm just speaking personally. Once again, not a licensed guy here in case you throw yourself off the fucking roof. All right. Yeah. Number one, this is what I do. Go out and get something healthy to eat. You know, drink some water. Okay. Get eight hours sleep, wake up and eat something healthy.

Then go to the grocery store when you're full and go buy a bunch of healthy shit. Okay. Chop up the veggies, chop up the lettuce, get a fucking salad already made in there so you don't have to think about it. All right. Cook up some fucking chicken, chop that shit up, make some chicken salad. You got that in there too. Get yourself some fucking lunch meat and get yourself some real bread from a fucking bakery. Start with that bullshit. You start eating right and then just start working out. You're automatically going to feel good about yourself and fucking stick with that. As far as that other shit goes, dude, you're 24 years old. All right. I started comedy when I was 24. You sound like you've already been doing it and quit.

So you're ahead of where I was at at your age. So there's no reason to be depressed. All right. This is how I got beyond my depression was I just started observing it. I looked at it as a spectator rather than feeling a thought and just accepting it and then being dragged to the bottom of the fucking ocean with it. I just started to pay attention. I just sat there and listened to what my brain was telling me and it was a bunch of negative, oh my God, I'm going to fail. I'm going to have to go back moving with my parents and they're going to die. I'm not going to be able to afford to pay for the house and then I'm going to be homeless and then I'm just going to die and nothing's ever going to work out for me. Those were the thoughts I was having. So I just

sat back and observed them and I just started going, I don't want to think that. I want to think that and I would just, as I felt them coming, I would just replace it with like a positive thought. I know this is really corny and simple, but I kind of started doing that and the more I did that because it didn't quite work. I think it actually didn't work in the beginning at all, but like I just kept doing it more and more and then I just became conscious of when my brain was going in that direction and working out helps me, eating right helps me, going down to comedy club telling jokes helps me out playing drums, wrestling with my dog, you know, taking Nia out to dinner, just go do something like it's just a choice. You know, July 30th is only going to

happen once. Am I going to be a miserable cunt on this? Or I said July 30th, 2012 is only going to happen once. It's just a fucking choice, dude. So, you know, if what you're dealing with is clinical, then it will obviously weigh beyond me. So I don't need, you know, and then I'll have to fucking apologize like Fred Willard. I'm sorry that you didn't go to a psychiatrist and you went to a hacky comedian instead. Evidently, that's my fault. All right, plowing ahead. What are we up to here with time? Jesus, it's flying by. Girl found porn. Girl found porn. Employee meets girl, girl finds porn. Boy is embarrassed. That's what I'm guessing. All right, a few years ago, I was in a relationship and one morning my girl went snooping around on

my computer when I was in the shower. In a classic rookie mistake, I did not delete any of the porn sites I had visited from my history. I'm not an internet porn addict or anything, but I am a dude. And not only do I enjoy the occasional fucking Schwab session, whatever that means, I guess jerking off, but a lifetime of bountiful internet porn has made my ability to perform the mental beat a thing of the past. I don't know what that is. What is the mental beat? My ability to perform the mental beat a thing of the past. Oh, jerking off with just your thoughts. Basically, I need moving pictures. I know many men understand my plate. Yeah, dude, you got to go back to that. Go back to the mental fucking one. You know, it's a lot cheaper.

Nobody knows what you're thinking about. It's a safe world. Anyway, she was all kinds of pissed off, asked me why I was looking at a site called U porn while starting to cry. She was a seventh degree black belt at the guilty crying style of fighting, meaning when she wants an instant victory, she cries and I cave. So I played the only card I could diffuse. I could to diffuse the situation, which was to lie. I said that a buddy sent me an email linked to that site because he thought he saw someone from our high school on there. She immediately came back with, but it's in the top 10 of your most viewed sites on your history. Oh, she busted you. Jesus. You know what? Yeah, I got to give it up to her right there,

man. She went fucking Colombo on you and you walked right into that. So he goes at this point, I just came clean and told her that all the dudes still catch a beat that all dudes catch a beat even when they're in a relationship. And it doesn't mean that we don't find our girlfriends desirable. I tried to make it funny and said I was training my Hogan to gain Stamina. So really, she should be more encouraging. That's actually funny. Alas, she wanted none of it. And was in total shock that I was doing this. She said that none of her previous boyfriends ever looked at porn, let alone rub one out while in a relationship. Okay, what fantasy planet does she live on? He goes, I then became pissed that she would be so naive to think that that was true

and told her that all dudes do this and stood strong that I did nothing wrong. She kept go good for you. Stand in your ground. Good for you. She kept coming at me with yelling, hitting and crying, but I remain unwavering in my stance and did not apologize. Looking back, I think I only took this stance because I was starting to have my doubts in regards to the relationship and just didn't give a fuck anymore. Well, dude, I got to be honest with you, whether you gave a fuck or didn't give a fuck about her anymore. If you totally love somebody that doesn't mean you cave in 100% of the time, you know, cave in when you're wrong, you're right. Sorry, definitely do that shit. But like, you know, if you can't watch porn and rub one out, then I mean,

I don't understand like, I mean, it's, it's a slippery slope starts with that. And the next thing you know, you can't watch the game, right? Anyways, turns out we broke up a few weeks later. And you better believe she threw this incident back in my face when she was having the goat getting killed by a python last struggle that you had previously made analogies about. Anyways, I have a new girlfriend now, which I like more, but I was wondering how it would handle the situation with someone I really love. So what do you think the best way to handle the situation if it happened to you or any other guy? You know, I don't think it's a big deal if you're not watching it habitually, if you occasionally watch it, some women consider it cheating.

I don't know how the fuck do I, well, I'm lucky, Nina doesn't give a shit. She doesn't care. She would care if I hadn't done anything with her for a while. And I was doing that, that would bother her. But like, she doesn't give a shit what I do. I think someone has to accept you for who you are. All right. And unless you're like, you know, if you occasionally smoke weed, occasionally have a drink, occasionally watch porn, who gives a fuck. But if you're always smoking weed, if you're a fucking alcoholic, or you're addicted to porn, then I think that there's a problem. But I would just do what you do. You know, if you think it's an issue and you need to bring it up, I would just bring it up and say,

listen, what am I just let you know, I occasionally rub one out to porn. And my one girlfriend really had a fucking problem with it. And before we go any further, I just want to make sure you don't, so there's no any weird arguments. I can't lie to you, that's not exactly an easy thing to bring up. Which is why you just kind of have to be yourself in a relationship. So then it won't come out of left field. Because if you're being overly polite, overly jolly, overly, you know, just accentuating the good parts about you and not showing your seedier side, that really is going to come out of left field. So does that make any sense? I would definitely, I'd bring it up. You know, so sweetie, are we going to dinner tonight? By the way, do you like porn? Because I do.

I rub one out every once in a while. Do chicks do it? Really? No? Where you going? My fucking ear is killing me. You know, my dog caused my ear to bleed. She gave my fucking ear a headbutt. If you ever get a pitbull, you got to watch out for their heads because they're like little wrecking balls. And you know, I hadn't been home in like a week. I was out in Boston in the fucking North End all week. By the way, underrated the North End pizzeria Regina that one seat at the bar that faces the wall, they call it their timeout chair. You can walk right in, you don't have to stand in line if you buy yourself and just ask if you can go sit there. And granted, you have to face the wall while everyone at the bar shoots the shit. But if you're a loner like myself,

it's fucking great. And it's tremendous pizza. Anyway, so I hadn't been home in like a week. So, you know, my dog gets fucking excited to see me. I'm excited to see her. Need a letter out the front. She's fucking jumping up and down. I come through the gate. And I had a bunch of stuff in my hand and I kind of, you know, was bent down to like, hey, what's up? And the dog jumped up and was like going to lick my face and basically had its mouth kind of open. And we went teeth to teeth to that point where I was like, did I just knock out some teeth? They definitely feel numb. Fortunately, she didn't. So that's what happened. Now you would think if you were a smart person, you'd bring your bags in the house

where you had your hands free and I could calm my dog down. But I'm so fucking excited to see her. And I get excited when she gets excited. I mean, you know, I'm loving that she's it's fucking great when you come home. And there's one person like this fucking guy's home. This is awesome, right? So I bent down to pet her. And I was, you know, scratching her ribs. And she was looking down at her tail. And then she swung her head back. And I got my fucking mouth out of the way just the last second. So he didn't knock my teeth out. And the side of her head slammed into the side of mine and basically mushed my ear. I felt like I got suckered right in the side of the fucking ear. And it fucking bled out. I think my ear died. So now I got this

fucking scab. It looks like I got this big schmutz of dirt on the side of my fucking ear for my goddamn dog. So I got the headphones on it hurts. That's why I told that story as this podcast going off the fucking rails. Is it me? Is it me? All right, couple of last two quick ads here. And of course, I can't go back. Why does it do this to me? Why do you do this to me? Can anybody explain why on these new fucking MacBook Pros? Does anybody else have this problem? You go on the fucking internet and when you go to go to a new window, you open a new tab, it won't let you go back to the other window. We know you can click on it. I don't know any nerds out there know what the fuck that's about. All right, here we go. Let's go real quick. Amazon.com. You guys know

the deal. If you're going to buy something on Amazon, not saying you gotta go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page and click on the banner at on the right hand side, the Amazon banner at on the right hand side, you go to Amazon, go ahead and buy something doesn't cost you any extra money. They kick me a percentage 10% of that I give to the wounded warriors project you help support my podcast and the troops who made an unbelievable sacrifice for us. All right and gameplay.com wouldn't you love to have 8000 video games at your fingertips? Sure, we all would all the new hits mailed to your home. So if you're sick of paying $65 for the newest games that you or your kids use for a week and then give then give Gamefly a shot. Gamefly is offering

my listeners a free two disc 15 day trial, $23 value. Go to www.gamefly.com or the Gamefly banner on the on my podcast page of the website to redeem the offer. There you go. Enough with the advertising for this week. Back to the shoe. All right, my girls lost their mind. Oh, by the way, everybody, that was really embarrassing last week when I thought that that woman who wanted to hike was actually a dude. You know, I don't know what I was thinking. I always just get emails from guys. Even when she said, uh, no one wants that ghetto pussy. I just thought that that was just some girl like trying to be tough and talking to a guy like he was a bitch. I completely missed it and it was embarrassing. I got 50 emails last week to said good podcast

and the other 48 were ridiculing me for not realizing that. So there you go. All right, last couple here and then I got to get the fuck out of here. All right, my girls lost their mind. What's up, Bill Bow. I'm 25 and a few months ago I met a girl that blew my fucking mind. She was smart, creative, beautiful, sexy. It had been over a year since the last girl I really cared about dumped me because she had a religious epiphany and thought I was destroying her relationship with Christ. Oh, Jesus. And I was beginning to think that I'd never have that gut feeling of love for a girl again. But this new girl, but this new girl and I, oh, but I met this new girl and I started dating and things went real fast. Within two weeks we were together daily and things were

great. But about a month in, I began to realize that she had a horrible temper. Oh man, that's brutal. All right, even worse, she tended to put words in my mouth when she'd get angry and get more mad at things I didn't even fucking say. Here's an example. All right, this conversation goes her, him, her, him, her, him. All right, I'm not going to say, I'm not going to, all right, I'll just do the voices. Okay, here's this example. Honey, what time is the movie? 8 30. I looked yesterday and I'm pretty sure it was eight. No, I just looked it up. It's eight 30. Oh, so, so I'm stupid. What? No, I didn't. Oh, so I'm stupid and I'm a liar. Yeah. Jesus, the only worse than her relationship was that acting.

I lost faith in it halfway through. And it's gotten even extremely worse for the fourth day in a row. She's blown up at me to the point of telling me that we should just break up. I get pissed and I'm like, fine. And she's like, how dare you break up with me? How could you do that? Yeah, dude, this chick is out of her fucking mind. All right, she's afraid you're going to break up with her and she's just fucking, she's fucking, she's sabotaging the relationship. And guess what? That's not your fucking problem. All right, she can go work, work out her anger with somebody else. Go find someone else. You're still young, right? Are you still young? As long as you're not like over 38, there's no reason to try and wait around for this girl to fucking get her shit together.

Anyway, she's completely in another world. And last night, she told me the other reason why I was with her was because it was for easy sex. Fucking ridiculous. She texts me to apologize, but ended up. Oh, she texted you to apologize, but ended up she started the shit all over again. When I asked her why she'd even fucking say something like that to begin with, because she's out of her mind. All right. This is your call, sir. You can either date someone who's healthy and is ready to accept you and all the wonderful things you bring to the table. Or she can go fuck herself. Right? What? I'm sorry. Did that make any fucking sense? Did I just say that right? I'm sorry.

I closed the window and then couldn't figure out where the hell it was. Yeah, it's all up to you. Do you want to deal with this bitch? I don't think you do. There's plenty of other great girls out there. Plenty of phenomenal women that'll be excited to be with you and not be a complete psycho. Or you could sit with this girl and maybe she'll figure this shit out. I don't know. You know what I love about me is she's not an angry person. Okay. Who wants to have kids with someone who isn't who's fucking angry? Oh Jesus. I'm glad she didn't hear that. She fucking dumped me in a second. You know, but I think an angry dad is acceptable. That's actually understandable because guys are idiots, but if the mom's angry too,

I just can't imagine that. I don't think that's good for kids. Neither is an angry dad. I guess anger and gender is not a good thing. Well, you know, let's look at that. I actually learned something. Anyways, here's some stand-up dates I have coming up. I'll be at the improv in Orlando, Florida, September 7th through the 9th. And I'll be at Caroline's, the rescheduled date, September 20th through the 23rd. I apologize to everybody. I had to cancel last second, the Caroline's date at the end of July and moved to September 20th through the 23rd. I got that acting gig. I can't really tell you what it is because you never know. You never know. You can have a giant role and then they go a different direction. And by the

time they're done editing, you're not even in the fucking thing. But I got a good feeling that I'm going to be, but we shall see. We shall see. Oh, Billy, the actors coming around, coming around, done a couple, two, three things this year. Speaking of which, my favorite show Breaking Bad next week, you guys might want to tune in. You might want to tune in next week because there are always great episodes, wink, wink, especially when a certain somebody, wink, wink, might be making an appearance. Hey, you know what? I saw a picture of one of the most beautiful trucks I've ever fucking seen in my life. I think I've completely abandoned. I still love cars, but I am a total truck guy now. And specifically, I am a Ford truck guy

from literally the 40s right through like 1968. Those are my favorite ones. I don't like the interiors on the 1970s Ford trucks. I do. I do love the front end. So but this guy's got a 1968, the same year as mine, F 100 with the long bed, four wheel drive, and it is absolutely fucking gorgeous. And if anybody else is into trucks, I'm going to have that up on the the M M podcast page. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I hope this week can go by without me seeing somebody you know, then I'm a fan of or even not a fan of having to apologize for not fucking doing anything, anything wrong. And I'm really sick of just the lazy journalism why you try to say

that there's outrage when there was no outrage. You know what I mean? The joke basically worked. People laughed. It's just really fucking annoying. So anyways, um, that is it. And by the way, if you ever see that Dane is performing in any sort of Broadway thing, I can't recommend them highly enough. I was absolutely fucking, he blew me away. And I've known this guy for 20 fucking years. I've seen it. I've seen all the tricks in his fucking trick bag there. And absolutely fucking blew me away. And I'm really happy for him, especially after that fucking bullshit. That fucking nerd filming them that just really ruined my fucking week when that you know, Mia actually called me up when that happened

and like with like this concern tone, going, I know you've worked so hard. What if something you say, I mean, that's the climate that's starting to be created, which is the reason why people can't apologize for this shit. I mean, I don't know. I guess if you run a TV show that you get pressure to do it, it's all bullshit. Even like the apology isn't sincere. It has to do with money. Like, all right, we don't want people protesting this and making the show go away. There's hundreds of people who lose their jobs, just fucking apologize. I think that's why they always go after comedians who have like TV shows or have some sort of notoriety. If you notice that shit, they don't go after a guy like me. What are they going to do?

You can't stop me from telling jokes next to a cheesecake factory in a mall. All right. You could maybe turn it from a three quarter full room to a half full room, but I don't give a fuck. All right. Ah, that just fucking frustrating. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.