Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-4-11

Episode Date: July 4, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about UFC 132, Vegas, Whore Clothing lines,

Cantonese music Hey, what's going on? You like when I sniffle before I start the podcast? I thought I could sneak that in a little before I started. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 4th, 2011. My country, tears of the sweet land of it.

How does that song end? Let freedom, is it ring or rain? I think rain's a little more hostile, you know? Let it rain? Or does that mean like it's rainin' men? Or love rain down on me? Like freedom? I don't fucking know.

I don't pretend to know. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. If you're new to this podcast, welcome. I do one of these every Monday, because I know most of you hate your fucking jobs, you know? And you probably fucked something. You didn't want to fuck this weekend, right? You probably lit off some fucking fire crackers.

You know, somebody messed up their hand, or somebody's going to, considering this is really one of the number one fuckhead holidays of the year. You know? I know it's supposed to be about the troops. I know it's supposed to be about celebrating this siding of the Declaration of Independence. But what does it become?

Hasn't it really become all about watching your drunk uncle Sully, right? And whatever dumb shit he's going to do. You're going to fucking eat too much. You're going to play horseshoes. You're going to do that shit. How many are really going to go to a parade? You're going to go to a parade?

Well, good for you. Don't fucking judge the rest of us. Well, you know something? The levels are really fucked up here, aren't they? One of these days, I'm going to get some sort of a technician to help me out with this shit. But I don't know. I'm just afraid that it's going to compromise the podcast,

because I think the thing that just drives whatever funny, whatever ha-ha-hee-hee that is on this thing, is the fact that I do these things by myself. And I don't want to compromise the integrity or it doesn't outdoor. I'm actually standing right now. T-shirt, boxers, and white socks, just to give you a visual. Legs pasty as ever, matching the torso.

Just in case you thought I was a cyborg. Because they're always made from mismatching parts. I don't know if you know that. I'm actually doing this from the Palms Casino out in Las Vegas. I'm in my room right now. I have the curtains drawn. I have the air conditioning off, you know? Because I don't want to compromise the integrity of the podcast.

The podcast this week. There's going to be a lot of that to everybody. We're going to be talking about integrity this week, evidently. I don't know why. But actually, just to let you know what kind of a recession we're in here, in the States, for those of you who listen to this religiously overseas, you know, as you sit there having your bangers in mash, you know, as you wear your little bowler cap,

still trying to solve the mystery of Jack the Ripper. I signed in. I checked into the hotel here. And when I came into my hotel room, the air conditioning was off and it was hot as hell in here. Now, as the semi environmentalist that I am, you know, don't ever forget that I'm a Gemini. Okay?

I drive a Prius. I want a Challenger. All right? You never know which way I'm going to go. You never know when the Catholic guilt is going to fucking kick in. And I'll be like, all right, I'm going to be a douche, and I'm going to get a Prius. Or if I'm going to say, fuck it,

and buy some gas-guzzling car that I really want. But anyways, I came walking in and, you know, that was a major sign that they are not doing well out here. And I got to tell you this, I look out the fucking window here if I can just peek behind the drapes. It was a major mistake to build anything out here. Just the amount of energy that it takes to try to pretend that you don't live in a fucking desert.

You know? And I know all you guys are going to send me a little fucking e-mails about the history of Vegas and Bugsy Seagal and the reason why they came out here was because of their fucking gambling. And gambling wasn't it? Whatever, I don't give a shit. All right? I'm just saying.

You know, hindsight being 20-20, am I using that? It's already getting so fucking hot in here, I can't cross my legs as I lay down in the bed because they're going to be sweaty up against one another. You know? This is just, this is hell on earth. I think this is, if you want to know what global warming is going to bring to your city in a few years,

come out to Las Vegas first weekend in July. And I'll tell you, there are some fucking whores out in this city. Woo! Does it make me excited? All walking around with their short skirts and their thick little thighs and their fucking asses jacked up with their little hoary shoes from the Kardashian line.

You know? You got to love those skanks. You know, those skanks that just have no fucking talent but they got big brown eyes and they draw some fucking eyeliner around them so they can fucking look like some scared squirrel as they give head over a cell phone cam. Right?

And then all of a sudden they become famous. Then they become famous. You know? The whole world sending the message out there that it's okay to be a whore. And then they get all these deals and then they come out with their line of clothing. Do they come out with something elegant?

Do they come out with something tasteful? Do they come out with something that's even remotely respectful? Of course not! They come out with whore wear. Okay? You go with what you know with. You got to go with your gut. Okay?

And what these women know is they know ass and titties. Got them where the fuck they're at. Aside from having big brown eyes that you draw eyeliner around. Then you look up like Is that the way you want me to do it? Right? So now you got all these other fucking whores out here.

What happened? What happened here? For some reason my fucking... You guys still hearing this? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We got a problem here. We got a problem with the channel.

Ah fuck. How come I can't hear in this ear? And the other side isn't going up. Ah Jesus Christ. That was on a nice roll. Hang on a second. I got to fix this. Hang on.

Is this what it is? Is this fucking thing coming out again? Oh Christ. This is my fucking machine. Crapping out why? Because it's so goddamn hot in here. You guys want to listen to this? You want to listen to a guy who doesn't have a fucking producer?

Try and solve why it's coming in clearly in the left channel and not the right channel. Ladies and gentlemen, please don't panic. The Monday morning podcast will be back after a short break. Okay, test, test. I'm back. I saw what happened. I saw it.

I figured it out. I figured it out. My fucking elbow hit some button here. All right, we're back. So anyways, I'm talking about whore wear. All right, this is what they know. This is what they do. And then these other ladies, I don't know what their fucking problem is,

but God bless them for not figuring it out. They are so enamored with celebrity that they forget that these whores are whores. So then they go out and they buy their fucking clothing and they dress the way they dress. And then you got me, a filthy middle-aged man walking around with the fucking semi, you know? But I'm harmless.

I'm harmless, you know? I'm at that age. Not only do they not give a fuck about me, it's like they look away as fast as when they look at me like they're looking at a lamp or something, just a complete inanimate object. It's so fucking sad to get to this goddamn age where they're like, God, I'm that guy.

Even though I kept myself in shape, I'm still an old balding jackass, right? No one gives a fuck anymore. That's why they have that great saying that youth is wasted on the young. You don't know that because you don't know any better. You're so busy freaking out. Is that it? Is that a pimple?

Whatever the fuck it is you're doing, you don't realize you're in the prime of your life. And even if you do, you can't appreciate it because you haven't been where I'm at, you know? And I haven't been where somebody older than me is at and some other guy sitting there listening to this on a toilet with his balls in the fucking water, you know? But God bless this skanky, whorey fucking generation.

It's unbelievable. I walked by the Playboy Club. I mean, what the fuck do you expect, right? And everybody's standing out there with all the guys with their Ed Hardy affliction bedazzled fucking shirts. Absolutely horrific. You know what I mean?

Knowing full well that they all watch the Jersey Shores if it's like a drama, you know? They watch it, you know, think it's like compelling. Why does it keep making that fucking noise? You know what it is, people? I forgot my windscreen this week. I don't have the windscreen. And even though there's no wind in here, I think I'm popping on the mic.

So because I got the levels turned up so fucking high because every goddamn week you cunt's bitch to me. You know, turn it up. It's not loud enough. Why don't you fucking turn up your device that you listen to this thing on? God damn it if I had the name of a device that would have sounded right. So anyways, hmm.

Oh, there's a drink of water for you. This weekend, I am doing dates on the Anti-Social Network Tour. We did the Paramount Theater up in Seattle. And I want to thank BJ for promoting it and putting us on his radio show. And I got to tell you, we just did the Paramount Theater two nights ago, and it was one of the best crowds,

if not the best crowd that we've had on this tour. It was unbelievable how it was funny. We were backstage going, oh god, this crowd is fucking rowdy. This crowd is drunk. We thought all of that. And then we just kind of realized like, no, it's actually been sunny for three days in a row in Seattle. And these people are absolutely fucking euphoric.

And that's basically what was going on up there. They were just, it was just a fucking amazing, amazing crowd. And I want to thank everybody who came out to that show because, you know, we came into Vegas a day early. And everybody on the tour was still talking about how great that fucking show was. So tonight Vegas, all right, with your bedazzled shirts and your hoary fucking shoes,

you guys got to somehow beat out the crowd that came out to the Paramount. I'll tell you, actually, I'm actually, I'm taking a fashion risk tonight, everybody. I'm risking myself in a fashion way. I don't know what I was thinking. I brought a fucking pullover v-neck sweater to wear in Las Vegas in the middle of July.

I don't know what I was thinking. So I don't know. I've also worn the fucking thing like nine times. It seems like every other weekend I'm always breaking this thing out. I'm sick of it. So what do I do? I go down to the gift shop

because I got to buy some batteries to make sure I can do this podcast. And I see this shirt, this blue checkered fucking shirt hanging on the wall. And I was like, God damn it, that's a good-looking shirt. It's a little busy, but it's going to look good on stage. I'm going to look like a fancy man, as Jim Norton says. I'm going to look like a headliner.

I think I'm going to buy that. Let me try it on. I like it. It's blue. It's bringing out my eyes. Maybe a couple of those little fucking hoarses will give me a little look-see when I'm up there. Then halfway through buying it,

I just realized that I am buying a shirt at the fucking gift shop in the casino where the show is tonight. So the odds of somebody in the crowd having the exact same shirt that I have is pretty fucking high. It's pretty fucking high. But if you saw the level of degenerate

that walks around the average casino nowadays, because the mob isn't out here, mob's not out here, like the illegal mob, now they have the legal mob, the fucking corporations are out here, which is why bottled water is like nine zillion dollars now, because, you know, back in the day, the mob just took the gambling.

You got out here, cheap ticket, they threw a stake down your fucking throat, a couple of fig newtons, you felt like you got something, and then you go to the tables and they clean you out. But you're still left going, well, you know, I still had a $4 stake, because most people are too fucking stupid to realize

that they dropped three grand at the table that they already paid for the stake. But now that these corporate cunts are out here, it's not enough. It's not enough just to get the gambling, these stupid cunts, they got a fucking, they got a vacuum, your pockets out every, every where you go.

Gym costs money, the internet costs money. God damn, you can't, you can't get an eight dollar stake out here. Or whatever the hell you used to be able to get, you can't do it. I know this is old material. I know I've talked about this before in the podcast, but I think it's so vital to what this podcast is all about,

that I'm going to say it again. Okay, that's why I'm saying it, not because I remembered halfway through that I've already discussed this shit on the podcast, has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fact that I think it's so goddamn important to keep rehashing the old shit on this fucking thing.

Yeah, that's what it looks like. I feel like when I walk through a casino, like when I go downstairs to get breakfast in the morning, I feel like I'm on a college campus. You know, you see like the frat boy kind of guys, and then you see the sorority girls with their ankle tattoo, or maybe the shoulder one. They pretty much all stay away from the tramp stamp now.

That's usually chicks from my generation. But anyways, we came in a day early. Let me tell you about my little Vegas trip here. Came in a day early, and Jim Norton is a huge UFC fan, and I didn't even realize that there was a fight this weekend. So, you know, Joe Rogan, a fellow comedian, he actually hooked us up with these awesome tickets,

and I went down and I watched the, what was it? UFC 32. 132, I'm sorry. With Uriah Faber fighting some guy, Cruz. I don't know the fucking names. There's only so many sports I can pay attention to, but I got to tell you something. You got to go to one of these UFC things.

And just especially if you're actually in the performing arts on any level, you know, and as much as you think it's badass to be in a band, or it's badass to be a comedian, or maybe to be a fucking, I don't know, a fucking professional football player, there is nothing more badass than when Bruce Buffer does your goddamn intro,

and you come in not wearing a shirt to just fucking throw down with another fucking human being. I never felt like such a bitch in my life. I just remember just going like, do I really think that I'm some sort of badass to win stand-up comedy? And not to mention, if you're a fan of the UFC, this is another reason

why you have to come out and see one of the live events, is badass is Bruce Buffer's sounds. For those of you who don't watch, he does all the announcements, all the intros for the fighters. As badass as that guy sounds on TV, there's nothing like seeing that guy live. He is unfucking believable. He was so good, I was sitting there, Doug Benson.

He was actually there, not the name drop, a bunch of comics, but we just started laughing. He was so good, and we're just laughing at like the intros. Like the average intro that you get at like a college gig. You comedian, he's been on Comedy Central, and David Letterman, his name is Bill Burr, and here he is. That's what you'll get at like a college.

Well, you go to a comedy club, it's a little more professional. They'll be like, hey, good evening, everybody. Welcome to the punchline in Atlanta. How's everybody doing tonight? Yay! Oh, come on, you guys can do better than that. It's Friday night, I said, how's everybody? Yeah!

That's the best we get. Dude, Bruce Buffer. I don't even want to try and imitate. I'm going to embarrass myself, but he's just like, he just comes out, he has his sound, you know. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time! Everybody's just like, what the fuck? You're just fucking looking at the ring.

Fighting! He just fucking, he just goes right through their credits. He's fucking pointing at them, and every fucking thing that they've done in his career, he's like enunciating, he's getting his body into it. Fucking fighters are bouncing on either foot. I got amped up. I'm not even fighting.

I'm sitting out in the fucking crowd. For half a second, I thought I knew how to fight. It was unbelievable. I thought I had a belt in something. It was fucking, it was the shit. And then like every fight I saw was great. The second I walked in, I saw like, I think I saw six fights.

Five of them either ended in knockout or TKO. And I'm so bad with the names. What's his face? Was it Vanderlei Silva? He got knocked out by this dude with red hair in 27 fucking seconds. And after the dude with the red hair knocked him out, or died red hair, you know?

He's a spy in my world. He fucking knocks this guy out. And if you see the look on his face when he was flexing after he did it, it was one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen in my life. Once again, you just look at the guy, and as every guy always sticks,

every guy has a nightmare of, could I survive in prison? That guy does not have that nightmare. That dude, un-rapable. That's the highest level belt that you can get in martial arts. Oh, speaking of which, somebody knocked out somebody. I don't know what the, I can't remember.

They started to blend together. And at the end of the fight after he won, he got his blue belt. He said, yeah, I just got my blue belt in whatever discipline. And I was laughing, going like, you know, something like, that's legitimately earning a blue belt,

as opposed to the blue belt that you get as a fucking accountant, rolling around on some mat in a goddamn strip mall. This guy fucking just fought on pay-per-view and got a blue belt. Not even a black belt. I don't know. It was unbelievable.

It was just an amazing thing. And I want to thank Joe Rogan once again, for totally hooking me up. I'll thank him from Jim Norton, Club Soda Kenny, and everybody else who came out. It was awesome, man. It was awesome. And then seeing Rogan come in,

he's so fucking ridiculously good at it. Asked all the questions. You know, you want to hear the answers too. And it was great. The only other fight I had ever been to, I went to a Miguel Cotto fight at Madison Square Garden. And it was a non-title thing. And I didn't know a lot of the guys underneath.

And Michael Buffer wasn't doing the announcement. So, you know, they just had one of those old guys. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to World's Famous Madison Square Garden. Back in the day, amazing fights used to happen here. But tonight, you will not see those. A non-titled event. It was awesome, man.

So I highly recommend it. If you haven't gotten the pay-per-view, definitely check it out. Even though I kind of ruined what a couple, I told, you know, I guess I gave the results of a few of them. I really am a dope. Well, fuck you.

The air condition is not on here. So anyways, how far into this podcast am I? Oh, 20 minutes. 20 minutes as I sit here eating a little beef jerky people. Remember last week when I told you? When I told you that overrated was working out, underrated eating right? I'm really starting to look at all this weight lifting

and all that shit. Or jumping on the elliptical for a goddamn hour. Yeah, that's great for your joints. It's great for your midsection. You know, for that day, for that week if you do it, but you pay for it later on in life. You're doing the exact same repetitious movement. Exact same movement for an hour.

Just wearing out your joints, you know? And then you look at guys like fucking James Brown and Prince who had to fucking get hip replacements from dancing. You're doing the same thing, except you're not making millions of dollars and there's no hot chick named Kat standing behind you who's gonna suck your dick.

So what I'm trying to say, people, is eat a banana ass from granola and spare your joints. So then you can have, in your golden years, you can walk around like in that movie Cocoon. Doing like cannonballs and shit. All right, you know something? This is something I'm never gonna do on the podcast again, is eat spicy fucking beef jerky.

Jesus Christ. I love how they try to act like this shit is healthy. 97% fat free. This looks like roadkill. 29 grams of protein. Like any of these numbers mean anything to me. 8 grams total carbs. So what's the rest of the shit?

If it's 21 grams of protein and 8 grams of carbs, according to my math, that's up to 29 grams of something. So that leaves another 70%. Let's look on the back, people. Um, 12%. Oh, 33% sodium. Oh, there we go. Oh, okay.

Okay. Fat free, but tons of salt. Do I have a goddamn stroke halfway through this? All right, I'm done eating and drinking because I know how fucking obnoxious that is and I actually hate that. So let's plow ahead with the podcast, everybody, shall we? So my fabulous web person wrote me,

Bill, not a lot of good advice emails this week. Um, someone sent, uh, let's see here, says, Bill, last week people, oh, you asked people to support them and whatever they wanted to do. Remember when I talked about that last week? Did you guys miss last week's episode? When I was talking about, uh, divorce

when you get these ladies and, uh, they know they don't have shit to do with their husband's success, they just want the money. So the only thing they come up with is like, I supported him. I supported him. I was like, Elvis,

you know, when you shake your hips, I, I think you're really good at that. So evidently, that's entitled to millions. So I was trying to say how easy it is to support somebody. You know, I mean, I could see if you were financially supporting them. Then I understand that. But if you're just supporting them,

like what? Mental support. And then they always, I love how they always act like, you know, I put my career on hold because if I didn't, I would have been Elvis. Now you wouldn't have.

You would have had a fucking job and a cubicle. All right. You saw that your husband was going to be a star. Okay. Then you took him for granted. Started eating pecan pie every night at two in the morning. You got a little flabby and he had a wandering eye. That's right.

It's all your fault. All right. So I'm supposed to support people. Jesus Christ. It's getting hot in here. But the bill, I would like, I just wanted to ask if you could give me your support.

I'm hoping to make a DVD porn with me getting head from three trashy brugs and then mailing that DVD to all the feminists in the world with a card that says, you know, it's okay to be blown by a few chicks every once in a while. They love it. Any support you could give me would be gratefully appreciated. Oh, absolutely. Oh, this comes from Melbourne, Australia.

Well, let me tell you something. I think that you can do it. I think that there are enough whores on that giant, that giant island, that giant, that's giant and island people. Come on. Let me get back to the support here. Okay. Listen.

You worked hard for your dick. It's not easy to just be born with one of those things. You know, and you did it. So I think that, you know, when God gives you a gift that you should go out there and you should share it with other people and God damn it, you should document it. You should make a video and I think you can do it. I just, you know, buy it, go down to Radio Shack,

get yourself a camera. Find three women whose dad didn't stick around and I think you should do it. There you go. Now when you sell it for a zillion dollars, I'm going to bitch and say that it was all because of me. Not because you had the skill to talk three twats into doing that, which I don't know how you do that.

I know how you do it to one. You just gain that trust. You just gain one of them's trust. Then they always say the dumb shit too. You're not going to show this to anybody, are you? Well, yeah, I am. Why else would I be filming it? There's no point in me filming that one.

I'm going to watch it myself. Yep, there's that thing that I already experienced. Am I filming myself right now talking to you? I don't need to relive this, you dumb bitch. I'm fucking here with you. Of course I'm going to show it to people. That's not what you say, do you? You say, no, no, this is just for my records.

It's kind of like when you call up a corporation and they say, you know, just to let you know, we're recording this to ensure quality assurance. There you go, that's what you should say. You get the three girls back there and just say, listen, just to let you know, I'm recording this just to assure quality performance. If you'd like to lick my balls first, press one.

All right, sorry, it's a heck of a joke. All right, Bill, you're not crazy. Oh, here's a long ass fucking re-email about oil companies. Everybody who sits there who just fucking believes that it's because cars are heavier now and there's standards of safety and, you know, which I totally agree with once you guys showed me how much cars weigh.

So I definitely think that that does serve an element of the equation, but what I don't understand is why you people on that side are completely ignoring the absolute heinous behavior of major corporations. Do you know I was watching one the other day about this coal company? And I know you're going to say that this is a conspiracy

despite the fact that I was watching it on the news, was I guess when you mine for coal, they have all this coal ash, like that's the waste. There's always some sort of waste, right? So they got to get rid of it. If they do it the right way, it's going to cost them a zillion dollars. So what do they do?

They basically get some sell-out scientists to say that the shit is not toxic and it's actually good for the fucking environment and they convince these fucking morons to take, I don't know, how many fucking like a billion cubic tons of it and put it underneath this brand new golf course that they're building, okay?

And all they had, but then they had to put it underneath and then those supposed to be like 18 inches of dirt on top of that and then some sort of wall around it so it wouldn't seep into the drinking water. You know, isn't it enough for these cunts, the fact that they're going to be able to put it underneath the goddamn golf course? Isn't it enough that they're lying that it's fucking toxic?

No, these douchebags, they don't even lay down the dirt or put the fucking wall up. They're out on the golf course and you can see it in between the grass. The guy reaches down and it's soot. So evidently they're having all these fucking health problems. It's gone into the drinking water and these poor fucking bastards got to go to some, you know,

some parking lot to get their drinking water, their showering water, their bathing water, all of that, okay? This is just one in a zillion of the heinous things that they've done. And you guys, 100%, and I'd have to look up how much coal makes, of course, you know, I don't fucking read, but I know they're not making as much as oil companies so there's not as much money at stake.

These guys will do something like that but you don't think on any fucking level that a $350 billion industry is pulling back the reins on the gas models despite the fact that if they even went up three miles per gallon on every car out there, it would cost them hundreds of millions of dollars. Do you think that they were actually trying to fucking do that? You know, when you look at the airlines, remember when the airlines were bitching

that the price of fuel was through the roof so then they had to start charging for luggage, checked luggage, they started charging for that, and then all of a sudden we start paying it and then all of a sudden it drops down to a dollar, something a gallon. Did they ever stop charging us for us? Fuck no! Fuck no! They kept it. They kept it. And then it starts going back up again and then what do they do?

They make it even more fucking expensive for your bags. But for some fucking reason, these people, they just don't believe that they would ever fuck with the gas mileage. So this guy writes me this long ass email, I'm going to try to get through this as quickly as I can. Alright, he says, Bill, you're not crazy, fuck everyone that says you are. They're delusional and naive.

I think they're like me. I think that they just read shit on their side. They go to omrite.com, so I'm no better than they are, but I appreciate you taking my side. So anyways, this guy actually read a book. So I'm just going to quote him and then declare victory in this argument until someone else writes something for the other side and then maybe I'll believe them. He says there's a book from the 90s called America Who Really Pays Taxes

written by two investigative reporters, Donald Barlett and James Steele, if you want to look it up, Pulitzer Prize winning reporters for the Philadelphia Inquirer. In the book, they tell the story of the great oil strike in the city of Hassa in Saudi Arabia by standard oil company. Yada, yada, dude, I'm not going to fucking read all this. First of all, there's so many words in here that I can't even fucking pronounce. It's really going to destroy your point.

But for the comedy sake of the podcast, you guys want me to give it a shot? All right, I'll give it a shot. All right, tells the great oil strike in the city of Hassa in Saudi Arabia by standard oil company of California, Chevron, and the Texas company, Texaco. The oil field in Hassa is one of the most prolific oil fields ever discovered. Standard oil, which is Exxon now, jumped in to get some of the oil and so did mobile oil.

That's the huge oil fields were discovered. No problem with that. No problem with that so far. These American oil companies formed a consortium called the Arabian American Oil Company, or Armaco. I can't, I don't know. Armaco drilled wells, laid pipelines, built storage tanks, and even built maritime terminals on the coast to load the crude oil to move around the world.

No problem with that. Armaco also catered to every whim of the king of Saudi Arabia. They built roads, schools, hospitals, air-conditioned palaces, whatever the fuck the king wanted in order to get access to the oil. Makes sense. It's on their property. You've got to pay them something. However, when World War II hit, impacting the oil trade in the king's purse, Armaco arranged for the king to receive wartime assistance from the United States State Department under Roosevelt's Lend-A-Lease program.

The program was meant for Great Britain in the war against Germany to provide the British citizens with food, money, and arms. Remember that? Well, they were fucking bombing civilians over there in Germany. I mean, Germans were bombing the English. So we were supposed to help them out. So I guess Roosevelt comes up with this Lend-A-Lease program to get these poor English people some food, money, and arms

as they sit there getting bombed day and fucking night. So anyways, the way Armaco got around the fact to basically get these funds that these programs funds were meant for nations warring against Germany is that the State Department got Roosevelt to indicate to our government officials and the people that the defense of Saudi Arabia is vital to the defense of the United States. So then they just, I guess, tapped into that money. The royal family in Saudi Arabia got rich off of this oil field in Gaza. After the war, the royal family saw their royalties and oil raised from 3 million

in 1939 to 40 million in the late fucking 40s. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. I'm not reading all this fucking shit up. So basically, I don't, that's the type of shit, right? So we come up with something. You have regular people who are starving, who are getting bombed, whose kids are getting killed. So we want to do something about it.

We're going to send money over there and it gets siphoned off by the oil companies to keep paying off this cunt over there in Saudi Arabia. And what ends up fucking happening, everybody, huh? Saudi Arabia, from what I've heard, is taking a lot of that oil money and it actually supports terrorism. They just funnel it through the mosques. And I don't think that the big guys give a fuck, you know? I just don't think that they give a shit.

And I realize that every kind of energy, there's going to be the waste just like with the coal and all that type of stuff. But to get coal or to give solar power, that type of shit, we don't have to go over to the Middle East, you know? I would love it if we could just somehow come up with some sort of alternative energy and then over in Saudi Arabia, all those other places, they would all go broke and there would be no funding for terrorists. I know I'm oversimplifying this, but what the fuck?

Oh, Jesus, I probably came off sounding even dumb. That even sounded dumb to me. That's all you have to do to solve the Middle East problems, everybody! You know what came down to it was just too fucking hot to read all of that shit. All right, let's plow ahead. Let's get to some advice here this week. Bill, hey Bill, I thought I'd ask you for your opinion on my situation, seeing as though you're like the Oprah for men. No, I'm not. I'm not fucking giving away, uh, wait a minute.

I don't give away any free shit. I give away a free podcast, but I'm not going to be like, everybody gets a brand new car! I don't do that shit. But I am, I've never been married and I also have a weird relationship with a dog. Maybe I am like her. I have weight problems. All right, hey Bill, I thought I'd ask you for your opinion on my situation,

seeing as though you're the Oprah for men. But, uh, but on here it's useful advice, unlike the unshoed food that spills out of that woman's mouth. Oh, Jesus Christ! Oprah's clean! What are you talking about? She has money to be clean. What do you guys think she eats when she's being fat? What do you think?

Do you think it's stereotypical? Do you think she just gets soul food? You know, goes back to her old hood and hugs people, you know, that she grew up with and they're like, we're so proud of you. We're still broke. Could you help us out? Ah, no, I only build schools in third world countries. It's a lot cheaper. See ya! So anyway, so I've been seeing this girl for a while now,

but I want to get past that just friends phase for something more serious. She says she's ready for something more serious, which is great, but I told her not until she stops flirting with this other guy. She says he's just a friend, but I said bullshit based on some of the conversation I've seen between them. And any time I try and talk about it with her, she gets her tits in a tangle. I doubt knocking the whole bottom row of his teeth out

is going to make the situation better no matter how good it might feel. So I'm wondering how should I give this girl, how should I give this, what? How long should I give this girl to get her act together? I want to be with her, but I can only put up with this bullshit so much. Ah, yeah. Dude, fuck this girl. See the red flag that just bang her.

Just fucking bang her. This is the classic go, you want to bang this girl, stop giving a fuck that she's talking to this other guy. And then all of a sudden when she's blowing you, don't think she's blowing you because she likes you. That's her own fucked up issue. You don't want to get in a relationship with someone like this. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but she's not ready to get in a relationship.

She's still playing the field. That's the best I can say about her. The worst I can say about her is she's one of these cunts that's going to always be doing that because she gets off on the fact that you're going to be getting upset that she's sort of fucking unbuttoned her shirt a little more as the waiter came over to your table. And then what are you going to do?

You can't hit her so you're going to end up punching this other fucking guy in the mouth for what? For doing what? Doing what a guy does? Tries to bang some hottie? He's behaving how he's supposed to be behaving. He doesn't have a relationship with you. You know? The problem is, is the horror in the middle.

Don't get yourself involved in that. She wants to go blow him. Let him. Let him deal with her. Because I'll tell you, the second she's playing the same game with him, I guarantee it, the second she starts fucking blowing him, she's going to start looking at somebody else. All right? So this is what you do, my friend. Just say, hey, how are you? How's it going?

This is how you mind fuck a chick like that. All right? When I say don't try to fuck her anymore, I don't mean go to work or whoever you see in this girl and act like a douche around her. Start blowing her off and that type of stuff. Because then you're showing that you care. You care so much that you're spending all this energy

not paying attention to her and giving her these bad vibes. Just when you see her. Just be like, hey, how are you? Give her a big hug or whatever. How's it going? And what are you doing this weekend? I'm hanging out with some friends and blah, blah, blah. You know, this weekend isn't good.

You know, just get on. Just give that air that you're getting on with your fucking life. And I guarantee you, you got a great chance of her panties hitting the fucking floor. And then when you bang her, don't be a moron. Don't think that this girl likes you. She doesn't. Alright, you don't need that shit. Honestly. You know what I mean? Think about that.

This is going to be the mother of your kids and some day your kid's going to be like, yeah, how did you meet mommy? Well, you know, she was kind of, you know, fucking, I think giving this other guy a hand job on the side so I was sort of dancing for her attention. And like, you know that cunty shit she did tonight when I took you all off for pizza, you know?

Still taking her old titties out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually, when I really think about it, I saw that red flag waving in front of my face 23 years ago when I met her. Yeah, fuck this girl. You got to have some self-esteem here. You know, I'm sure she's hot because that's the only reason why you'd put up with this type of behavior.

But come on, man, you don't need that. One of the hardest things out there is to try, as a guy, is to try to find a good woman. And one of the hardest things for them is to try and find a good guy. And so you got to start off on the right foot. You know what I mean? I'm just going to keep saying the same fucking thing over and over again. But if this is what she's doing on the way in

and she's making you audition for her pussy, go fuck yourself. Okay? Go fuck yourself. Either you want to come out with me or you don't. But you seem like you're interested in that guy over there. So, you know, go suck his dick. I'll be over here in my cubicle. Waiting for a decent, respectable woman

that's worthy of my attention to come along. All right? So run along there fucking little booty shorts. That's it. There you go. There's your fucking advice. All right? I hope you take it.

All right. Overrated and underrated for this week. Underrated. Bill, underrated. How much better looking people are in rich areas versus poor areas? I moved from a rich suburb of Chicago. I didn't have much money, though, to a small town that doesn't have that much money in the middle of nowhere.

When I used to work out at the gym in the rich neighborhood, the moms at the gym were hotter looking than some of the 20-somethings I find going out to the bars in this small town. The moms would have flat stomachs, be tanned, and some even had huge fake boobs and wearing tight clothes exposing everything. Jesus Christ, dude, do you want to set up a real housewife show?

Well, down here, if there's a good-looking girl at the bar, she has kids and is engaged and just gets loaded for the night like the great parent she is, sarcasm. Bill, why is that people with money look so much better than people without money? Jesus Christ, you need me to explain that? All right?

Government checks. They don't give those out so you can get fucking fake titties. Yeah, because, yeah, if you've got money, you can look good. You know, usually I have health insurance. You can keep your teeth clean. If they need to be straightened, you can get them straightened. You can better cut a meat. You're living high on the hog.

People are down there eating fucking pig ear sandwiches, you know, sticking a fucking goddamn goat's foot in the stew to give it some flavor. Right, these other guys, you know, they're eating flank steaks and these fucking rich people, though. They're eating like Kobe beef, veal. They're going to the spa. They're getting treatments.

Come on, man, I have to explain this to you. Well, let me ask you this. What happened to you? What happened? Did you have a falling out with your rich parents that you moved out of your rich area and went to a poorer area? You know, are you just in your college years and like around your dorm area?

You know, are you going to Columbia? Is that what it is? Columbia is like in the middle of Harlem, isn't it? That always amazed me. There was an Ivy League school and then like you'd walk off campus and like old dirty bastard and unknown old dirty bastard would be standing there, you know. His pants hanging off his ass or some shit, you know.

I always find that fucking fascinating. It is hot as hell in this fucking goddamn room here. I got to wrap this up. I got up on it's only 43 minutes. I can't wrap it up, people. I can't wrap it up. It's the 4th of July. Are you guys getting hammered?

Is that what you're doing? You got me playing on your fucking boombox? Bud-a-bud light kid! All right. Here we go. Here's some YouTube videos for the week. I already sent one out. There's this one.

Actually, I Twittered this. Are you people following me on Twitter? Are you? I'm on the Twitter, everybody. I gave in. I always said I wouldn't do it. And again, I said I wouldn't be on Facebook either. And then again, I also said that cars don't weigh as much as cars weighed back in the 70s.

So I really don't think I have any goddamn credibility at this point, which I have to tell you it's really freeing. I'm on Twitter now. And I Twitter all the fucking time. Well, not really, but just get on it, okay? I actually recommended this YouTube video. It's the... ACDC made a documentary about this show they did down in Argentina.

The fans down in Argentina are so fucking insane. I'm actually embarrassed to call myself a fan of ACDC. These people are nuts. Like the amount of people that had like Angus... This guy had like a fucking Angus young tattoo. It went from his goddamn shoulder down to his elbow. And it was like three or four guys with tattoos like that. Another guy all the way across his back.

He had ACDC written. Their classic logo. I mean, it was so big you could have hung this guy off the upper deck as like a banner. That's how big ACDC was written on across his back. And like the passion that these people had for their music. And they go out there and they know every word to every single song. They played like doggy dog. Second song, First Side, off the Let There Be Rock album.

A lot of people don't know that song unless you're hardcore. The whole stadium knew the song. And it's not one of those concerts where the lead singers, you know, it's got to, you know, get everybody to clap their hands. They're already doing it. The whole place, it's like fucking 80,000 people in unison. In unison just going absolutely fucking ape shit. And then in the end when they walk out,

they, I guess they wrote some ACDC song. Some song about how much they love ACDC. And they all walk out singing it. This original song that they came up with about how much they love ACDC. Like, you know, like when they, when they go to those soccer games, which is one of the coolest fucking things I think about international soccer, which is why the American version just sucks. Is they have all these songs and they're singing during the games and it just,

it sounds like it's weird. It sounds like it's from another time. It gives you like goosebumps if you're a true sports fan. They kind of came up with like, it's almost like a soccer fight song about like ACDC and they walk out singing it. And I got like chills watching it. And then just thinking that I thought I was fucking going nuts when I saw him at the forum a couple of years ago on their tour.

And I realized that they probably were standing up there going, ah, the fucking States. People are so goddamn lame. Look at them standing there one hand in his pocket, only one hand doing the devil horns. Really? I didn't realize what was out there. And I actually ran into somebody, not the name drop here.

I'm not even going to say the name. Somebody came out to our show up in Seattle. And I was talking to him about, I was talking to him about the, that documentary. And he goes, oh yeah, he goes pretty much rock fans around the globe are better than the ones in America, in the United States. Evidently, we're like really spoiled and we don't give a fuck

and we're very fickle. We're like, you know, over in Europe, like when Y&T puts out a new album, they'll actually buy it and know the words and be like totally fucking into it. But then again, they also love David Hasselhoff. So I don't really know how to frame that. All I can tell you is that I've been to some great concerts, but I have never seen anything like what I saw during this documentary

down in Argentina. Like the next time ACDC tours, I think I will fly down to Argentina if I got the money to go down there and see a fucking show. And with my luck, I'll just end up getting kidnapped and I'll be on that fucking show arrested abroad. You know, talking about how I had to stick my iPod up my ass or some fucking thing and turn it into a key and get myself out of a bamboo cage.

You ever watched that arrested abroad? That'll make you never want to go outside of this country. Or at the very least, as a white guy, it just makes you want to go to places where there's other white guys running shit. Which brings me to my European tour, everybody. I got all the links up. I got them all up. I am starting October 16th.

Alright, I'm doing my own little fucking rockstar tour right through London, England, and I'm going all the way through Scandinavia. I am going to the fucking, the Fountain of Youth, Ground Zero of fucking white people. Where it all started. All the evil and all the good stuff we've done. We've come up with a lot of good stuff, haven't we? Choo-choo trains and aeroplanes and oil companies

and the caste system in India. Slavery, kind of capitalized. Actually, slavery is, I guess everybody did that. Didn't everybody do that? I think white people, just to stick up for white people here as a Caucasian, I don't think that we're the most evil people on the planet. I just think we're the best at it. We're like the Michael Jordan's of evil.

Actually, you know what? I'll tell you something. If I actually got back into reading, I always joke on this podcast that I don't read. I go through periods of reading and when I do read, I voraciously read and I get fascinated. I've read a book about Winston Churchill and Gandhi. I'll read shit like that because I find it fascinating.

And then also, it really helps my stand-up act with just references that you can pull out of nowhere. I kind of stumbled across something now, but I think I'm getting lazier with the internet now because so many questions can be semi-answered by going to a Wikipedia or just doing a Google search. I don't read as much as I wish I did, but I was somehow looking up something,

a classic internet thing. You're reading about sailing and actually two clicks of a mouse and you're reading about war crimes in World War II. What the fuck was I looking? Human experimentation is what I somehow got into and it had to do with just how many governments have been guilty of that, of infecting their people with something

just to see how they reacted to it. The only thing I got out of it was, if you're ever going to go and get yourself... What do they call it? The anecdote. You go out and you get your shot so you don't get it. What the fuck is that called again? Why do I keep thinking venom?

My brain is junk. What do you call it? The anti-something or rather? I don't know. All I know is whenever they have the... What the fuck is it? You go out and get a polio shot so you don't get polio and then there's a little bit of polio in it. The vaccination. There we go. Do you know what it's like people to be as dumb as I am when you basically play the $50,000 pyramid with yourself

where you're both asking the fucking... You're giving the clues to yourself and trying to guess the answer. It's fucking unreal. That's how I have to remember shit now. I have to walk my way through it. I just have to start brainstorming and throwing antibody, serum, vaccination

that let's go with America in 1980s for $200. So anyways, I ended up coming across this... I read a book a long time ago called The Rape and Nan King just reading some of the shit that the Japanese did to the Chinese and they had this other fucking thing. I forget what the... It had a number to it. They had some sort of camp that they had but they just did experiments on Koreans, Chinese

and then some prisoners of war and they infected them with stuff and they just did all this fucking horrific stuff. I don't know why I read about it. I don't know why I do. It's a weird... I find it fascinating. Like I was watching a thing about this serial killer. Big Ed something or other.

From Burbank, California. Just watching all this shit that this guy did and I got to tell you something about it. Has anybody else done this? I've sort of done this as a joke on stage. You have to watch this shit on serial killers and they start talking about maybe like the top five characteristics of the serial killer

and you have like the first three out of four you can relate to and it just sort of creeps you out. Like I was watching this guy's childhood and the amount of overlap. Oh god, there's a fork in the road where you either decide to become a comedian or a fucking serial killer. You know, obviously I never tortured animals or shit like that

but just like isolated, a loner, violent thoughts. I mean just write down the fucking list. I had them all. This is really gonna come back to bite me in the ass if I ever go to court. Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that? Sorry, I can't laugh into the mic here.

Anyways, I was watching how this douchebag's mom treated him as a kid and there was so many parallels to the mistakes I made with my dog. I can't even explain it. Like he just fucking, she knew he was a psycho so then rather than getting him help she would lock him in the basement and let him sleep down there at night by himself

as he's alone with his thoughts. It's not like I did stuff like that with my dog but it was just more like every step that she did thinking she was helping the problem, she was just making it worse which is what I did with my pit bull before I actually got educated and was able to turn it around.

And by the way people, I know I haven't talked about Cleo in a while, she is like 90% there. She does everything but just roll over on her, you know, showing her stomach when someone comes in the house now. It's awesome. I got her to the point,

I can walk down the street, you know occasionally, she'll bark but the second I give her the look she just immediately stops, sits down and faces the opposite direction of the person or thing that she barked at. And I swear to God all of it has to do with me. It has nothing to do with her.

It has to do with all the training this guy gave me on how to handle myself, how to handle the dog. I'm confident now, I'm relaxed and the fucking dog is chilled, totally chilled out. So the last thing I have to do is just deal with like when company comes over,

if it's somebody she hasn't met before, she'll bark for like, you know, it takes me about maybe 20 seconds, 25 seconds to calm her down. And then that's it, she just lays down and she's totally cool. And I can actually have people come over, watch the game now.

Dude, I got to a point, June of last year, where I was afraid to take her outside and I was walking down the stairs afraid and not realizing that the dog was picking up those vibes. Like I'm walking down the stairs going, oh fuck, oh fuck, and the dog's like,

oh fuck what, oh fuck what. You know, not realizing I was feeding into it. Like when people would come up to her, I would stand between them and the dog, which is another bad thing to do. Everything I did was wrong. I would stand between me and the dog.

I mean, the person and my dog, I would stand right in between and that's literally like, you know, when you're in a bar with your douche friend and he starts, you know, looking at some guy and you start holding him back. Now that you're holding him back

and he knows there's like, he starts screaming over at the other guy, literally that's exactly how the dog would act. So this guy told me, he goes, yeah, you don't want to block the dog or else they'll do that. So once you have the information,

then it becomes this long journey of having the fucking confidence and the belief in your own ability that if the dog were to lunge, you could actually do something. So the problem is, is then you go through that period where you're not standing between, you're not blocking the dog,

but you're nervous and the dog picks up on it and then, you know, goes to lunge at the person and they fucking think they're going to die. But fortunately, he showed me with the leash how to do shit, but I don't know. So anyway, so I'm watching this shit on this serial killer and every fucking move

this lady made, it just was reminding me of it. Now she's sticking them down in the basement. That's not what you want to do. Look at me acting like I can cure a fucking serial killer. Is it this hot in the goddamn room? All right. We got some more YouTube videos.

Let's go through here. Young Jimmy Page on TV, I've seen this one before if you want to see Jimmy Page in the late 50s, I believe. When he's like 16 years old or 15 years old, deleted scene from it might get loud.

I was going to say, I saw that Jimmy Page thing in that thing, that movie, it might get loud. Most Deaf, live in Paris, there's something else here, the dog. I really have to start being better about the podcast about watching these things.

Because I don't know, I get fucking busy here. You know what it is? Like this podcast is all about when I feel like I'm feeling like I'm going to be funny. And then I just fucking jump into it and I do it. I just fly by the seat in my pants and I got to start doing a little more prep here.

All right, here's one for you. We're going to bring back a topic, despite the fact that I dropped this topic that Daniel Tosh does something like this on Tosh.0. This person actually asked a great, I'm bringing back, is it racist? Racist? Racist? Racist?

I'm bringing this topic back. By the way, I worked with Daniel Tosh on Wednesday this past week down at the Wiltern Theatre for the Greg Geraldo benefit. And Jesus Christ, that guy is a fucking beast. Absolutely fucking

hilarious. He might have had the set of the night and everybody down there was a headliner in their own right. And I want to thank everybody who came down but Daniel Tosh was fucking hilarious. I don't know, you guys think that I say some mean shit and I'm able to get away with it?

You got to see that guy, man. Every time I see him and he always has like new jokes and shit, you definitely, if you get a chance, definitely check that guy out. And with that, evidently, I'm going to do one of the bits from his show. Racist. All right, Bill, I love the podcast. Consistently hilarious.

Turned on some friends and brothers to it. I really appreciate that. Anybody who listens to this, please tell your friends about it. Anyways, here's my is it racist thing. An elderly white neighbor lady came over and asked my wife if she wanted this leftover rice, obviously

from takeout. And she said, maybe you can use it to make some fried rice or something. My wife, who is Korean, oh, Jesus, was cordial but later said it kind of pissed her off. Here's the kicker. She did end up making fried rice

out of it. Is this racist? Thanks. Oh, man, this is one of these ones that it it's not racist. It's it walks the line of unnecessary

slash offensive. You know what I mean? It's, you know, she answered the question by actually turning it into fried rice. And I got to be honest with you, I've never understood the food thing. Why the food

thing is racist. I could see if you're saying people are dumb, you know, all those classic Klan things where they say certain people aren't fucking human. They're, you know, fucking your part, whatever, like that. But the food thing I never got. I never understood it. Um,

I don't get why if you say what a I think it's always just the way you say it. Like, look at French people are called frogs because they eat frog legs. The Germans were called the Krauts. Sauerkraut, right?

There's always like something about food that people flip out about. I got to tell you, it's really fucking weird to have extra rice and just be like, you know what, I bet the Korean lady across the street would like it. I think that might be an example of a white person trying to be, I'm assuming the person's

white, trying to be like, they think they're doing a good thing. Like, oh, we have extra rice. Let's give it, what about the Korean lady? Let's show that we know something about her culture. So I just think it's

it's really bizarre. Um, but I don't think that they, for it to be racist like I always said, it has to be like your intent. Like if they did it because they were trying to be like, here you go, you're rice eating son of a bitch, then yeah that, that is

then it would be racist. But if they're just doing the classic, you know white person just not knowing you know what I mean? Like we have the reputation for doing shit like that. Like we were trying, but we just don't know and then the great thing is how other races act like they know everything about white

people, which they don't despite how many episodes of family ties. You know, like I actually saw that there was this website. There was something I look it up. It's called What White People Do and I believe it was written by some black girl and she's basically making fun of white people.

But if you, if you look at it, she's really making fun of hipsters in Brooklyn. She's making fun of the white people around her and she's, she's basically lumping all white people like this is what they do. This is what they do. They're really into taking, what did she say?

What the fuck was it? Taking time off to find themselves or some shit like that and you know, I don't know. My friends, we grew up, yeah we didn't take time off to find ourselves. We, we were, you know

we were drunks. Took time off. We didn't take time off to find ourselves. We flunked out of college. That's what we did. That was our, or we fucked up. We found ourselves in high school by doing so bad in high school that we didn't go to college, you know.

Um, anyways I ain't what the fuck I'm doing here. Let's plow ahead. So I wouldn't say it was racist. I think it's, it's just, it's ignorant. That would just be ignorant. They, they think that they're doing this great thing. You know, and their defense would probably be

something equally as ignorant like, well what? They eat it all the time. Um, so yeah I wouldn't say that it's racist, but yeah people listen to the podcast. It's probably not a good thing. Even if you're respecting the fact that there's people starving around the world.

Um, you know, I could see if you're always bring over extra food. No, you know something that what's fucked up. What you guys can't afford rice? The more I'm looking at this who the fuck would do that? You're going to eat my leftover rice?

Like what are we fucking animals over here? But the thing is, she did it. You know what? I don't know. I don't know. That could go either way. I think that was one of those ones I'd have to be there. I'd have to know a little about, a little bit about

the lady across the street. And I'd have to hear how she said it. But I would have given anything to listen to your wife going like, you believe those sons of bitches coming over here and giving these goddamn rice? You know, as she's taking out the fucking whatever the fuck you make fried rice in.

Did you laugh when she actually cooked it up? That's one of those weird things you got to watch out. You got to watch when you laugh. Alright, here we go. Last week, by the way, when I was talking about that Chris Brown thing, when they were trying to get him in trouble there for

saying y'all are gay, y'all n-words are gay. And they didn't give a shit that he said the n-word, the gay group there. Some black guy wrote, and I wish I saved it, and he said like, Bill, for the love of God, I'm a black guy, you can say the n-word in that context, it wouldn't bother me.

So he basically gave me the green light to say it which was weird to me. You know, telling me, you know, like a third base coach go ahead, steal home, I don't give a fuck, you know. So I just wrote him back n-word please. What are you going to do when I say it and get in fucking trouble? You're going to be there

and be like, I'm the black guy that said it was okay. I gave him one free n-word. Alright, hey, plus not to mention, you know, you know, I'm with Nia, I don't think I want to, you know, she hears it out of context, just hears me yell that out in the other fucking room.

I don't really want to have that fight. You know, as I come off like, Bill, did you have a change of heart? Are you watching Mississippi burning? What's going on in there? Okay, hey, Bill, love the podcast. Oh, here's some advice. I'm going to end on this. Love the podcast.

Anyways, I recently lost... Oh, this is really interesting. I recently lost 63 pounds and I got to say, I'm looking pretty good. Good for you. Good for you. Congratulations. She said, right after my divorce, a few years ago, I started hanging out with the co-worker

and had a big crush on him. But he always flirted with the skinny girls. He moved out of town and just recently came back. Now that I'm in shape, he's calling me and texting and flirting. I can't blame him for not wanting to be with me when I was fat. But now I feel like telling him

he shouldn't have been so shallow. I feel like I'll be demeaning myself if I hook up with him now. What do you think? Um... Alright, obviously you have... I understand your concerns. But you got to put yourself in his position here.

Alright, let me ask you this. Now that you're divorced and you're looking to get another guy, you know, hopefully better than your first guy, when you picture this guy, is he 63 pounds overweight? Be honest with yourself. You know, if you had to think

of your dream guy, you know what I mean? At some point, you have to take responsibility of the fact that you were 63 pounds overweight. And God bless you. You went out and you did something about it. So I don't know this guy. So I'm not going to give this the green light

because for all I know, this guy is a douche. But I would just say try to have an honest moment with yourself and think how much of this is this other guy you think that he's shallow and how much of this is that you're afraid that you're going to put

this weight back on again. That despite the fact that you did it and you showed how strong you are as a person and you took this 63 pounds off, there's that thing in the back of your head where you're kind of nervous that what if I put it back

on again? This is what I say you do. Alright? I would read up on nutrition. That's what you should do. I don't know how you lost the 63 pounds but I can tell you right now, if you did like the fucking South Beach diet

or all these fad diets, eventually you're going to want to have a sandwich it's all about I got a buddy of mine, takes off weight, puts it back on takes it off, puts it back on and he's always doing those kinds of diets. I'm not going to name his name.

Okay? But he says stuff like dude you know man I'm on the fucking cookie diet dude dude I eat nothing but cookies dude he does that type of shit and all you got to do you got to read up on nutrition

and then you know how to have a balanced diet and you'll be able to keep the weight off and you know I'm telling you and this is something that I finally fucking learned. It's not like I learned it. I always knew it. I always knew you got to eat right and have a balanced diet

but who fuck wants to do that? It's like this morning I went down I got a breakfast. I knew what I should have done. I should have ordered the steel cut oatmeal. What did I do? Yeah let me get the three eggs scrambled with some cheddar cheese fucking toast and let me get some bacon too.

Of course it comes with the potatoes. Fire all that down my fucking mouth. Right down to my goddamn throat right? Stupid move. Stupid move. I should have had the steel cut fucking oatmeal and then just gone for a walk. That's what I should have done and I didn't so

I'm telling you. So now I got to go to the gym and beat the shit out of my joints and ligaments and all that type of stuff when really if I just had a fucking bowl of oatmeal. So what I would do is just realize the fact that you're a fucking you know you're good looking now. You drop the 63 pounds

just read up on nutrition and just get totally fucking into that then you won't have to worry about that shit and maybe you can tell this guy to go fuck himself but I gotta tell you if you're good looking people are going to be attracted to you so you're always going to be dealing with that but

I don't know why don't I just keep saying the same fucking thing over and over again. Alright I think that's the podcast for this week what are we up to here? Look at that oh hour and ten minutes Jesus Christ these things are getting too fucking long and with that that's the podcast for this week everybody

just to let you know I added some new dates I'm going to try to run through them real quickly where I'm going to be at. I don't have the exact dates just go to billbird.com go to the mmpodcast.com the official fan page to watch all the all the YouTube videos

get involved in the discussions of the podcast blah blah blah blah this month I'm going to be at the San Jose Improv I'm going to be at the Improv in Irvine, California and I'm going to be doing the Montreal Comedy Festival

with Bobby Kelly and Joe DeRosa and we're going to be showing our short film cheat up there if you guys want to come out and check it out I have all the links right up on my homepage and in August I'm at The Chinese in Nashville The Stress Factory in New Jersey

that's the last two weekends in August and September I'm at the Wiltern Theater in Boston Massachusetts and then I got my European tour in October and that's it billbird.com that is the podcast for this week

I hope I made you guys laugh stick it out in the jobs you hate have a good week go fuck yourselves and I will talk to you next week and there's more to come as long as you love me fast food or beef chocolate eggs

Dalas in the Promo so see you on my list from everything I take two we know we're with the Eric from us here Zalig Pase you enjoy Pase and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn

and check out the second episode on TheWeroetInHetKlein.be