Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-12

Episode Date: July 9, 2012

Bill rambles about Bar-B-Que, the human flag, and being asexual.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 11th, 2012. How are you? What's going on? Oh, Jesus. I got a ton of shit to do tomorrow. Dude, you fucking said it every week. What? You think we're not busy? Go fuck yourselves. I got to go to the airport. So I'm doing this Sunday night, you know, doing all the pre-airport stuff, wash the dishes, wash my fucking socks and underwears. I'm ready to go. You know, had a great fucking weekend. I don't want to go on the road. You know, you think I want to get on another fucking Tweety Bird and go fly to some Godforsaken strip mall in the middle of fucking nowhere, which is basically the middle of nowhere to me at this point is anywhere that is not near

my house. You know, babe, come to Chicago. What in the middle of fucking nowhere? Talking about the second largest states in the union. What union is that, sir? The North American? Fuck away from me. You're an agent. Freemason. Isn't it amazing how you can't talk when you're trying to judge yourself? You just, yeah, that old person sound. Oh, Jesus. Oh, you know, trying to fucking readjust your mantits. I've been working out. I work out wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, little douche. Um, I've been, uh, I am, uh, let's, let's, let's, let's bring it down a little bit. Let's bring the tone down a little bit. Let's just ease it on in. You know, you're sitting there, right? Coming down from the sugar rush from that fucking curly you shouldn't eat. Uh, that bear claw.

Right. What else did you have? What do you have the thing at the airport? What do they got there? The big fucking, uh, you know, we look like, it looked like a diabetic took a shit. What do they call those cinnabons? A lot of people don't know that. That's, that's where they, uh, that's where they get their dough from as, uh, when a little fat person takes a shit, they, that's when you, that's when, you know, you have to lose weight is when you just shit a cinnabon and you did, you, you didn't eat one. It's not like it went straight through your system. Okay. It's, that is just an amalgam of, that is the waste of what you ate that day. You know something, is it my goal to lose every female on this podcast, any fee remote female listener?

It's almost like this subconscious self self sabotage. I'm two minutes, 40 seconds into this fucking thing. And you know, I gotta put that visual out there. You know, I probably lost not only all of the women, I lost some guys who were like in touch with their feelings. Anybody who's remotely a human being. So now, now it's just, uh, now it's just us. It's just the sociopaths. Let's just let them slowly quack, you know, file out of the room. I thought it was going to be something different. I did too. I like sweets. I don't shit cinnabons. Sorry, I said the S word. Um, my fucking dog. Cleo, I want your life. You know, what is your biggest decision? What room am I going to lay down and go down and fucking go to sleeping? Is that what it

is? You got a fucking spider web on my, uh, on the remnants of a spider web. I can't figure off all the spiders in my house like me or they don't like me, you know, because I kind of let them be when it gets a little ridiculous, you know, the size of the spider webs, because I figure that they're here for a reason. That must mean I have other bugs here and they're going to kill them. So like, I look at them like they're my like insect police squad, you know, and I'm the rich guy, because isn't that what the, uh, what do you call them? The fucking policemen are. Isn't that why they initially came about was to protect the rich people's stuff? Just in case everybody working for them was like, Hey, uh, how much is that base worth? They're fucking, what's a rich guy's name?

Hg fucking cunt face? The hell, you know, they always had those names back then, not the cunt face part, but they always had the initials, right? You know, Hg Rockefeller, JD Rockefeller, you know, JP Morgan, JP, see, man, I don't care if kids put my shoes together, man. Right. And they all talk like Edward G. Robinson for some reason, 30 years before even fucking was famous. Come on, Bill, get your shit together. Um, I have a sugar rush right now. I had fucking spaghetti again. I've had it four times this fucking week. That's what happens when all your recipes that you got from your parents are for like 10 people, you know, and it's just you and

your goddamn dog, whatever you're making, you know, you make skinny, you're going to be eating that for fucking two weeks. I got fucking octopus coming out my fucking nose here. Um, that was a Sopranos version of, uh, Tony Montana, in case you were wondering, get knees out of town again this week, you know, I think she's slowly breaking up with me via vacations, you know, just sort of easing me into what it's going to be like when she's not here. And I gotta tell you, I'm doing fine. You know, I can't fucking do the laundry. I can't make spaghetti 10 times in a week. I don't need you. Ah, Jesus. What'd you do with your weekend, Bill? Well, I had too much to drink Friday night, and I'm back on the wagon, you know, back on the fucking wagon. I don't think this is an old,

do you ever hear that old joke where they say, uh, I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink like one. Uh, that's me. You know what I mean? I'm one of those guys. If I'm going to have a pizza, I'm going to eat the whole fucking thing. All right. Let's save in some for later and maybe having it for breakfast and then talk about sports on ESPN. All right. And they have a show called cold pizza with Skip Bayless was always losing his shit about something. Do you guys buy? Do you guys buy that guy? Do you buy his outrage? Um, you know what I mean? I think his outrage is about as believable as ice cubes anger. Ice cube has had the exact same scowl on his face from NWA all the way to these

course light commercials. It is the exact. So he has the exact same look on his face when he was talking about the man as he does when beer bottles take over his studio. You know, maybe he's just straight across the board angry. God knows I can relate to that, but there's certain people after a while, you got to be like, dude, you got to have another emotion in there. Don't you? Skip Bayless is another guy. I don't give a fuck if you said, Hey, you need air to breathe. He would somehow argue the other side, put his eyebrows up near his fucking game show host hair that he has. You know, is that his hair? It's got to be his hair. Either that or he went to like, he got a, do they make weaves for white guys?

You know, if they made weaves for white guys, everybody would want Skip Bayless's hair. I get it. If it came in some sort of, some sort of red, I'd get one. I get one in a second. I'd be hot in the summer though. You know, that's why I never get a fucking toupee. You know, just sitting there with your full head of fucking hair just slapped on there like a shingle scalps sweating underneath it. You know, what the fuck am I doing? You know, and then what at night I come home and I take it off. I just look at my, just look at the landed strip on top of my head, right? Where, where, you know, the rest of my face got sun. And then this, I got this blind, you know what I would, I would look like the globe. You know, on top of my head would be like

the North Pole. You know, my chest would be the South Pole and then my face would be the tropics. Isn't that basically it? I mean, that's basically the climates. You know, my nose would be some sort of mountain range coming down from fucking Alaska. Why do you guys listen to this stupid podcast? Um, anyways, so, oh, I didn't tell you this. I got a fucking, I got a, I got, I bought one of those, those giant green eggs to fucking I bought one. The ugly is fucking sin, but they are the shit. This is not an advertising. This is a freebie. All right, people over at the big green egg in case you sell half of one. Um, I love the goddamn thing. It looks like an unripe avocado. It's one of the ugliest things you've ever seen in your life. Okay. But they got a couple of gaskets.

They got a seal here. It's a seal here and you run it up the alley. Um, no, I made some burgers and dogs. That's what I did first. And then there was this barbecue place that was going out of business or relocating. I don't know what was happening, but all I know was all their shit was, was half off. So I went down there and I got the thing for fucking ribs, right? Not baby back either, the fucking the good ones. You know, you just lay the fucking right over there. Okay. Doing ribs isn't even that hard. All this fucking douchebags you see on, uh, on, on the food channel talking about all the shit that they do when they're sitting there with their little fucking baster. Hey, what do you do? You slather it with some shit that tastes good.

You stick it in the fucking thing. And then you come back four hours later and you go, Oh, would you look at that? Oh, would you look at that falling right off the bone? All right. And then they eat it and then they always tell you it's good. Well, of course, you're going to say that it's your fucking cooking show. Have you ever seen on a cooking show where a guy took a bite and was like, God damn it. I overcooked it, dried that shit out. Well, you know, you win some, you lose some. Come on back next week, folks. Maybe I won't cook the shit out of this salmon. They never say that. They always eat, you know, it's like, and they always eat it too. And they're like running out of time. So before they take half a bite, they go, Oh,

Oh, Jesus, I wish you could take you didn't even fucking chew it. You know what that's like? That's in in in the acting profession. I learned this one. I did glee. That's called playing the end of the scene. You know what I mean? Like if you, you know, if you read like your whole scene, you have to audition for right? And it's basically your your character walks into a rental car place. You're supposed to have a fucking rental car. They don't have it. Then you flip out and you yell, right? And in the end, there's a big fucking yelling bullshit, right? The inexperience actor comes in already fucking amped up. And it's like, why are you already amped up? You're walking and expecting the fucking car to be there. You wouldn't already be mad. You play in the end of the scene.

That's what those cunts do in the food network, because they're running out of time. Oh, fucking Susie mother and hips there, whatever the fucking name is who I said, I'd like to bang her before she highlighted her hair and did the whole fucking JLo thing where she toned down her fucking brunettish look on her face. You know what I mean? What's her name? Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray did the exact same makeover that fucking JLo did. Both of them were where where brunettes, brown eyes, big, bushy fucking eyebrows. They did the same goddamn thing. They fucking they thin that shit out. They threw a little through a little sun in their hair. Right? And all of a sudden, oh, wow, look, you jump it off the page. You know, you don't want to do an overcorrection,

though, you don't overcorrect brunette. If you overcorrect brunette, you go right past blonde and into redhead. And then that's a slippery slope into albino. And you're not going to see your fucking movie or watch you make some French dip. All right. So I'm not making fun of the profession that that's a very delicate process to take someone who has brown too much brown, you know, and they got to lighten them up in the eyebrow hair area. But what I always think because I'm a fucking pervert is it's like, all right, you fucking, you know, you dialed in the sun up top, what happened down bottom? You know what I mean? Because if your eyebrows are that fucking bushy, what in God's name is going down there going on down there in the slacks area? Did you

get that highlighted? Is that going to match? You know, am I going to see who you really are when your drawers hit the floor, sweetheart? Oh, Jesus Christ. Um, well, that was a fun first fucking 15 minutes, wasn't it? How? Oh, hey, guess who's advertising this this week? Guess who's back? It's our old friends at pro flowers. Remember them way back on Mother's Day? Remember them on Valentine's Day? Well, now they're hitting us up every month. They want you to buy flowers every month. And I know what you're thinking. What the fuck would I do that for? I don't know. But it's up to me as the pitchman that I have to somehow come up with an angle. I got to come up with an angle here. This is what you got to do. Okay. And I actually do this. Okay. So this is coming

from my heart, not from the wallet. All right. This isn't the magic bullet here. This is coming straight up. All right. Didn't make a right turn down to my ass, right to my wallet. It didn't. Okay. Um, every once in a while. Every once in a while. Oh, wait, Cleo shifting. She's shifting and she's stretching and then that's it. She didn't get up. Um, you look like a little pig. You know that little wild boar Cleo. Look at those thighs on you. Do you do squats when I'm not looking? Is that what you're so tired from all the time? Anyways, pro flowers, everybody is July 4th. You could have given some to Uncle Sam last week, but it's too late for that now. Is that the original goatee, by the way?

Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam looks like an old retired like NBA player from the 70s, but somehow he's white. By then, by then white, he was, was getting pushed out of the league, wasn't he? Um, all right, let's get back to the advertising here. Um, pro flowers, pro flowers. It's July. It's July. You know what? This is what you got. You're in a relationship every once in a while. Just thought I know where you got to give him some flowers. You know, okay. You know, is it ever a wrong time to give your mother some flowers? Are you going to go visit them? Do you have a mother-in-law who just looks at you like, why did you marry my daughter? You know, give her some flowers. Maybe she'll lighten up. Either way, if you get a big enough arrangement,

you'll have to look at her stupid face across the table when you sit down to eat. You know, if you don't like somebody, what better way to block their stupid face than to go out and get a bunch of flowers at proflowers.com. Just click on the microphone in the upper right hand corner. You type in the password burr, B U R R and they'll get the vase. They'll stick them in the water and they'll send that person. Love them or not. Send them flowers and that's the end and the dismount. Oh, speaking and the dismount. You know, I was telling you that I was starting to put on weight again. Oh, Billy fat again. You know, Billy McFat again. And I decided that I was going to halt that and I was going to turn this bus around

and try to get myself back in shape. And I've been doing all, all body weight stuff. Climbing the rope. I'm doing the pull-ups. I'm doing the dips. I'm doing what else you got there, whatever that I don't do chin up. So chin ups are for girls pull ups are for men. All right. In fact, I remember when Demi Moore played that chick who got her head buzzed down. G.I. Jane, right. She wasn't doing chin up. She was doing pull ups because she was a marine. Right. I think that was not the message of that movie. What was the message of that movie other than men are horrific? What is the guy version of that movie like, like hot dog? Remember those, those tit and ass movies they used to make when you first got cable?

All about ski bunnies and the same premise. And now they're on the beach and they'd always be chicks like just taking their tops off like that happens. You know, maybe it happens on the French Riviera. I don't know. But then they got hairy armpits. There's always something to balance it out people. It's the ying and the yang. You know, I just completely forgot what I was talking about. I was talking about pull ups. That's right. So, so I don't know if you guys Melissa, how long you been listening to podcast? I fucked up my abdomen on the right side. About five years ago, I was at a Pittsburgh Pirates game. I was one of the few and I was there and I was drunk as always. Alcohol always playing a role. And I was drunk. I was drunk bill.

And I was with Paul Versey, who said, dude, I fucking called it. Look at the bridge. I said it. I when they made this ballpark, I said, you know what they're going to do? They're going to have it where you can see the bridge from the from the home plate looking right out. And there it is. I call you're not taking this one away from me. You're not. I called it. Oh, look at the bridge. By the way, wait, I love when you guys send me tweets or Twitters, whatever the fuck you call them. When, whenever Robin said cano does something and you make fun of Versey, that always makes me laugh. Like cano will hit a double Versey called it. He called it. I'm Paul Versey. Do you want to be the guy who calls it? Well, all you need is my dude. I

called it system. Number one, fucking call everything. Think about it. If you call everything, eventually something that you said will happen. Then what you do is you yell about it. You continue to yell about it. Hopefully until everybody forgets everything else that you called that did not happen. You know, it is at this point, the fact that Versey still talks about his call that Robinson cano was going to be a Hall of Famer. He watched him like fucking three weeks and said this guy's going to be a Hall of Famer evidently. Okay, which is absolutely asinine. Okay, unless you like Ted Williams, unless you're really a guy in baseball, you can, you can look at those things. All right, Versey is one of those guys. He wants to be the guy who said it first. So he just says shit first.

You know, like if he was on the prices, right, there's no way he would pass the first showcase. He wouldn't. He would bid on it because he wouldn't want that other person to bid before he did. That's what he would do. Did that make any sense? I don't give a shit. So anyways, I've been working out. That's what the fuck I'm trying to talk about. So this is how I fucked up my abdomen. All right, I was, I was at the, what $2 with this other comic Doug Signe. I was with Paul Versey. Do what I said. Do what I said. I said in the third inning. And myself, I think Doug's brother, right? We all having a good time, drinking some beers, right? We're all talking shit as old guys do. And next thing you know, I'm trying to show them

that I can go into the pike position hammered. All right, so I put my fucking hand on one seat, and then on one another seat, lift myself up and then I bring my legs straight out in front of me like I had been doing, but I'm old. I didn't stretch. I don't know what happened, right? And then later on the night, I remember being drunk and somebody we were skipping rope on a sidewalk and it had like a 45 degree fucking angle across from this place where a bunch of drunks were getting food. I felt a life of me. I don't know where we got the fucking jump rope. I don't know where we got it. I think somebody there had it from the gym. And then that's what it became. That's probably what it became because I actually

fucking went into the pike position. So then they will I can fucking skip rope typical guy's shit. All right. And I know this bugs the ladies, but you know something that's why there's air conditioning. Okay, that's why because of that shit, because that's how we're geared. I can do this. Well, I can do this. Well, I can do that fucking better. Right. And next thing you know, you got wall to wall carpeting. All right. So shut your face and make me a sandwich. Anyways, so the next morning I wake up and I don't it feels it felt like somebody took some sort of medieval like if that Freddy Krueger glove dipped it in fire and then fucking raked right down the right side of me. So for years, I've been babying it. Finally.

And one time I went and I got I got a raft, I believe, which is a really deep fucking massage. It was really weird. It was the only person I found, although I was kidding who the first person I found, I just clicked on that. I went to that that person's place and I went there and ended up being a guy doing it. And it was really fucking weird. It was just weird. I was like, we done yet? No, no, no, we still got more. You got to do the other side. But I think that's all right. Did it help? I don't fucking know. So you know what I finally just said? I finally said I found is that is that homophobic, by the way, that I will only go to a girl to get a fucking massage unless I'm really hurt. You know, if I'm really fucking hurt and I'm just so fucking

like, time I jacked up my shoulder, I just don't give a shit. And just like just make the pain go away. Is that homophobic? You know, I bet if a woman did it was like, you know, I don't want, well, she would say I only want a girl. All right, so I'm a little homophobic. Go fuck yourselves. I got issues. So anyways, so I finally, I finally just said, you know what, why don't I just try pushing through the pain? Why don't I stop being such a fucking pussy, just push through the pain? So you know, you know, those those little wheels with the handles on them? I just started doing that. I do 10 reps a day. I wouldn't go too far. In like a week, the whole pain's gone away. So you know, me, I can't be like, oh, fuck it now. Now I feel good. Is that good enough for

Bill? No, now I'm on YouTube trying to learn how to do the human flag at fucking 44 years old. I'm literally going down the street to a stop sign, doing my little the little side things, trying to build up the strength for what? For what purpose, Bill? You know, you got your health, your core feels good again. Why are you going to go down there and just blow something else out? You're a fucking moron. You know, you're gonna be right back on the table, get massaged by a dude. All right, whatever. It's what the fuck I do. So this weekend, Nia's been away and so I got this big green fucking egg thing and I got the the the the the the the the table that came with it. And it took like a fucking month, by the way, to get that thing. You know, I got the I got the

table where the egg sits in it because I hate that shit when you fucking barbecue and they give you that little those two little looks like those trays that you know that you have on like an airplane. You just set them down on both sides and that's supposed to take your whole fucking, you know, all the meat and then where do I hang the fucking spatula? I don't need that shit. All right, that guy, he's gonna die in jail. I don't need that shit. Okay, ain't happening to me. Hey, you stopped dealing that shit. You know, so I watched Goodfellas the other day and I think I think what the fuck is his name? I'm starting to like him the best in that movie. What the fuck is his name? Paulie? Paul Sorvino. I love that. I love that fucking thing when he

told him not to deal drugs. And he's telling how that guy's gonna die in jail. Okay, that ain't happened to me. And stupid sweaty piece of shit. Henry Hill, the fucking rat, by the way, I didn't get one when the real Henry Hill died. Why people like they kind of confuse their love of that movie and kind of forgot that this guy ratted out all his friends. You know, I mean, if that movie is accurate, right? I mean, I know he ratted out his friends, but I don't know if that's the exact reason why he did. Was it because he was fucking dealing drugs? Was there a guy saying don't do it? Am I going to keep asking questions? So anyways, I get this table for this fucking thing. And, you know, it comes comes here like a newborn baby, fucking naked, right? It's not

stained, it's got nothing on it, right? So I got to deal with all that bullshit. I've been doing that the whole fucking weekend. And doing it the right way too, by the way. I stained on top and the bottom. I know a lot of you weekend warriors. Yeah, you're like, fuck that. I ain't doing that. Nobody looks under there. Do it. If any water gets on that part of the fucking table, the whole thing's going to be underground underwater. I'll go fuck yourself. I did the whole thing. Two coats, one Friday, one Saturday, and then today I did the fucking the varnish. And I got to tell you, man, that's a bitch of a job. It's just tedious. Fucking tedious, especially if you do the underneath to I'm sitting there laying on my

back like fucking Fonzarelli, you know, just fucking laying there working on this shit. And I gotta tell you, a lot of times I was going to tap out and just be like, you know what, I'm not going to do this the right way. I'm just going to do this stuff the fuckhead way. And I didn't. And I was happy. I was proud of myself. And you know what, I'm going to show it to Nia. And I'm telling you, if she fucking says, why did you pick that color? Why didn't you do this color? Right? I'm going to take what's left of that fucking stain. And I'm going to dump it over. I would never do that. You know what, I'll do it to myself. I'll become the martyr. And then we'll see what she has to say. So anyways, I got this fucking egg and I'm going

to make ribs and all this shit and somehow still be able to do the human flag as I I'm going to fucking, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to buy like a fucking bison off of eBay and freeze that son of a bitch and cook it slow cook it for the rest of the summer. That's going to be it. I'm going to get fat. Girl's going to get fat. My dog's going to get fat. And I'm going to have a whole new hour material and want to tub a shit I am. That's how great that thing is. All right, let's plow ahead with the podcast everybody. If you're new to the podcast and you would like to send me an email, if there's a topic you'd like me to discuss, go off on it for you or possibly you want to give me

shit. You're probably saying, Bill, where the fuck do I do that? You go to bill at the mmpodcast.com. That's where you email me bill at the capital M capital M capital P, oddcast.com. All right, that's it. And oh, before I get into this shit, I'm going to be in Washington DC tomorrow night. Not tomorrow, right? Tuesday night at the DC improv celebrating their 30 years in the business by telling my dick and shit jokes. And then this weekend I will be at Hampton Beach in New Hampshire Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino, one of my favorite venues that I do. Led Zeppelin played there, one of the few small venues that they played on their quick little tea party tour that they did before they just blew up. And then I'll be at the Newport Yachting Center

in Newport, Rhode Island. I know that sounds fancy, but I swear to God, it's an air conditioned tent in a parking lot. You know, when you walk out the tent, you can see a bunch of yachts, but I'm not on one. It sounds good though. All right. Okay, here we go. First one, first one out of the gate validation son's mother is a nut job. This is coming from my nut job. That's an East Coast. Dude, she's a fucking nut job. All right, dear Billy boy. Did I just fuck this thing up? Come on. Come on. I need life here. Here we go. All right, dear Billy boy. A couple of months ago, I split up with my son's mother. We weren't married. So I basically packed my shit up and my son's stuff and moved out. We hadn't been getting along for a while because she didn't

help me out with our son and was texting all the time. That's what she was doing. She was texting all the time. She's probably talking to the other guy. She's probably fucking. Um, sorry, didn't mean to put that out there. The night before I moved out, I received the text talking about treating her better than I did. I asked to see her phone and she wouldn't let me. So I moved out the next day and she spent the night with some dude that same night I moved out. Yeah, dude, let me tell you something right now. If your girl isn't paying attention to you and she's texting all the time, she's talking to the dick that she's riding. Okay. So unless yours is vibrating, she ain't texting you. All right. Okay.

Anyways, next night, the next night, this guy started living with her. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So she had a full on relationship going on the side. So we were pretty much through, but a couple of weeks later, it was mother's day and she told me what my son wanted me to get her. My son is two years old and doesn't really talk a whole lot. So she was telling me what she wanted. I told her to go fuck herself because I wasn't getting her shit. There you go. Good for you. She told me that she was still the mother of my child and I should get her something. Jesus Christ is this people who use that kind of guilt who you actually use like the children. The fuck is wrong with you? Anyways, also I had paid the rent right before I moved out

and when I found out this guy was staring staying there the night I moved out, I canceled the rent check and also got my name off the lease. Oh, there's a nice one, two to the fucking jaw bone. I know I did the right thing. Please tell me that you agree that this chick is fucked up in the head too. Oh, and since I moved out, she sees our son one or two days a week tops. So to me, she's a shitty mother who didn't deserve it, didn't deserve a gift. Go fuck yourself. PS, when you come into the Kansas City area. All right. Well, granted, I just heard your side of the story, but yeah, sounds like the way the picture you're painting there, sir. Absolutely. Look, the fact that the day you move out, she bangs another guy and then the other person

moves in. I mean, I think you got a good. I think you got a good. That's that was nothing but victory in there. As far as I see, you didn't marry her. You didn't love her. You knocked her up. You toughed it out. You tried to do the right thing. There was no love there to sustain it in the end. And in the end, she was doing what she wanted to do. She was trying to find love somewhere else and she's probably relieved that you're gone. I will tell you this though, the fact that you have a kid with her, she's going to be in your life for at least another 16 years until this kid's 18 years old. So she could make your life really fucking miserable. Don't ask me how. I don't know. They find a way. It's what they do. So you know, that this one, you're right. If she

gives you shit, just do that. Listen, I move out and that night you bang another guy and the next day, you know, the guy moved in. Okay, I can do the math. Am I really supposed to sit here and believe that you didn't have a relationship going on while we were still together? And then you want me to go out and buy you a fucking phlobe? Really? Is that what you're telling me? Well, screaming into your cunt because on that list, Jesus, come on. Surprise, we're getting a divorce. All right, here's a new story. All right. Hey, Bill, I know you have, you aren't a therapist, but I think I just want to talk to anyone at this point. So here goes, I've been married for just under four years to my wife who I dated for four years prior to marriage. I love being married. And I've said

that to anyone that asks since day one, we own a nice house together, we have three dogs pit bulls to good man, and both make a decent living. I share everything in my life with my wife. When something makes me happy, she knows when I'm upset about something, I tell her throughout the course of our relationship about once a year, she would suddenly without warning say she she was unhappy and has been for months. Oh God, here we go. She says she has discussions with her mom who loves me and is the sweetest woman alive and close friends about the things that make her unhappy. But I never hear a word about it until it boils over. And she floors me with how unhappy she is. Well, that's not fair. All right, we tried to work it out though. Make changes. She would act

like it was okay while bottling it up again. Once, once the lid goes on the bottle, there's no opening it again. Each and every time she calls the unhappiness state of the union meeting into session, I've always been completely honest and saying that I'm very happy with her. I love our jokes and honesty and joy honestly enjoy spending time and Bob Bob Jesus Christ do get to the fucking point. All right, last Wednesday. Here we go. We had a good night together. We went out for dinner and ice cream and laughed at about a Bob Bob boss. So I thought I'd come home the following night in general great mood and she told me she had talked to her mom and a friend and that they recommend that she talked to me I was confused. More shit about not being unhappy.

Anyways, I wanted anything to make her happy but she told me she didn't think there was anything. It was very emotional as she finally mustered up the courage to say that we might need to get separated. I was floored and not in an ominous whole husband that sits around drinks beer and watches football with his buddy way. I love my wife. We have free. Okay, dude. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So the following day after much reluctance, I get her to agree to try marriage counseling so we can work out our happiness. Dude, I'm not giving you shit that this is your pouring your heart out because this shit just happened. I understand. But for the sake of the listeners, I got to pull fly through this. I get to agree with her. I get to I get it. Okay.

So the following day, it's like Lord of the Rings here after much reluctance, I get her to agree to try marriage counseling so we can work out her unhappiness. I was willing to do anything at this point. I immediately scheduled an appointment with the counselor. And I was looking forward to having someone neutral for us to talk to. Later that night, we were laying in bed and I asked her if there was someone else in her life. She said no. Yeah, dude. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. We just went over the waterfall, folks, or where we know it is. No, no, in this story, we're hearing the waterfall. And we've just looked at the other person in the raft with a panic look on our face for that split second before we tried to desperately but futilely

try and paddle the fucking thing over to the goddamn coast. Okay, here we go. We're going over. I got a feeling we're going over. She said no, there's no one else in my life. I asked if she's ever been unfaithful in our relationship, relationship and she adamantly said no again. Then she turned out the light and laid down to sleep. Five minutes later, she sat up and turned the light on. Oh, fuck. She told me she just lied to me and said that she had messed around with someone a year into our marriage. And he writes in capital letters, what period, the period, fuck, period. I probed her to tell me what messing around was. That's got to at least be a blowjob. And after a minute of me guessing, her silence told me that she went down on a guy

she works with. Oh, swear to God, I hadn't read this. Oh, if I was versey right now, dude, what I say, you heard me, you heard me with the fucking creep. I was furious and hurt then furious again, she cried and cried and said she was sorry. We cried together. Dude, you're a bigger man than me. Well, I tried to wrap my head around how she could possibly have done that to me. I've had casual flirting with people over the years, but to act on something physically with someone other than your spouse is completely disgusting to me. The worst part is I love this woman more than anyone. She's been my out. Here we go again. She's been my best friend for the last eight years. She knows everything about me. I want to hate her and make her sleep at her parents'

house until we divorce. But all I want to do is be near her again. Yeah, dude, that's because yeah, dude, she was in the hurry up offense. That's what happened here. So now you're scampering, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. And she has the next three plays that she just called in the huddle. That's why this is why it sucks to be you right now. One of my close friends tells me what I know is the right thing. He goes, let it go. Don't bother with counseling. What else has she done that you don't know about? Can you ever trust her again? Bill, is it possible for me to forgive my wife? Am I wasting my time? Also, I find out who this guy is and I really wish I hadn't. Yeah, dude. Of course, all I wanted

to do was show up at the job and beat the shit out of him like Ed Norton beats the blonde pretty boy up in Fight Club. He writes, I wanted to destroy something beautiful. My other thought is since this guy also cheated on his girlfriend, who we still with. He did it with my wife. I threatened to tell his girlfriend what he'd done, but not actually do it. Yeah, you don't want to do that. That way, he'd live in fear of coming home and her knowing everything because I told her, or he would try to beat me to admit to it, hopefully ending his relationship and getting terminal cancer and AIDS, terminal cancer and AIDS. And you know what? You're still being a gentleman. I still think that you're handling this with class wishing terminal cancer and AIDS on

this guy. I know you don't give a shit. Of course I give a shit, but not occupy, but I've got to occupy my mind. So I thought I do it here. Yeah, dude, why would you think I don't give a shit? You know, I mean, I'm not a friend of yours, but you know what I mean? Give me a fucking break. This is horrific. All right, your first question. Bill, is it possible for me to forgive my wife? Eventually you're going to have to or you're going to go on a fucking tear and you're going to meet some really damaged fucking women and they're going to reinforce everything that you've now found out about your wife. So you can't do that. You're going to go on a fucking hate fuck pussy spree that is, yeah, you don't want to do that.

He said, am I wasting my time? Yeah, dude, it's over. She's not happy. She's not good at communicating. She puts a lid on it, you know, until it boils over. This is the deal, dude. You know what? This is going to kill you. All right, let's go with the positive. You don't have any kids with her. Okay. You can just walk away. Okay, we had a problem and there was there's nothing we can do. It's over. He didn't make it. You just fucking walk away. Just walk away. It's over. All right. That's a good thing. All right. One thing you've had a bunch of kids with this fucking this person who for whatever reason, couldn't say that they were on. I don't think that she won't even want to fucking marry you. I think she ignores her feelings. She's actually having

a fucking breakthrough right now while stomping all over your fucking heart. All right. Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't fuck her. Give me a break, dude. You fucking you loved her with all your heart. You say your mother's a sweetheart. You got dogs. You like communicating, dude. You know something? You're like a fucking guy. You're the guy my girl wants me to be. Every fucking woman wants a guy like that. You know, guy who actually wants to be married, guy who actually comes home and communicates, you know, a guy who gets along with the mom and all that type of shit. You're a family man. All right. Unfortunately, you know, you met the wrong person. So forget that, dude. All right. Forget it. Forget it. Fuck that. Fuck

that. It's over. Walk away. Walk away, dude. Give me a fuck about you. You know what you're talking about there? You're talking about like the amount of fucking shit she has to go through before she even learns how to just communicate or fucking emotions. And the frustration of that's going to mean every once in a while she's going to blow somebody at work. Are you wasting your time? Apps of fucking Lutely. Okay, apps of fucking Lutely. And as far as like going there and trying to fuck over that other guy, that other guy is he's already you don't need to fuck him over. He's fucking himself over. He's living that he's living a life of misery. That life is miserable. To fuck around with the person that you with with somebody else that is a miserable life.

You know, I don't know. I think it's something that a lot of guys do myself included back in the day in my 20s going into 30s trying to fucking, you know, figure myself out. I lived that life, that whole fucking double. It's horrible. It's a fucking horrible thing. And in the end, I ended up alone. And I heard a lot of people and I was a complete piece of shit. So and believe me, dude, it was miserable and ended up me with me on a fucking futon. So yeah, dude, you're you know, don't become a piece of shit now. Don't judge other women like that. Just fucking, you know. Yeah, get out of it. Get out of it and just know that it's going to be a fucking. I don't know, it's going to be 100 yards of pain that you never fucking dealt with in your

life. And you just got to go through it. And I would say the next time you get with somebody, make, you know, you're going to get serious with somebody, you make goddamn sure that they know how to fucking communicate. Because that's that's a scary thing to get with a woman who does not communicate. Because that's something that they're supposed to teach us how to do, you know, in a way, they make you better because you're like, Oh, oh, I can just say, no, I don't feel like doing that without fucking punching the wall. You know, they do that. So sell you down. If you get with some psycho and she can't settle you down, I mean, she's, she's damaged goods, dude. All right, here we go. Next one. These things just keep

getting deeper asexual. This is from a plant or something, dear billion. This is a bit of change from the emails you usually get. But I hope you can help me out anyways. I'm a 26 year old guy, completely normal in every way except for one, I'm asexual. For your listeners who don't know what that means. It means I don't feel any sexual desires at all. I never have take a moment to wrap your head around that one. I think I'm gonna need more than a moment. Do let me ask you this, what do you do with all your free time? You know, how many fucking languages can you speak? You ever think about that? How much fucking shit you would get done if you weren't chasing it all the goddamn time? All right. But believe it or not, I do have a girlfriend. We've been together

for four years. So what do you do to get aroused? Think about like when it's over? I'm really being a dick right now. I'm sorry. Before that, we were friends for about another five years. We both helped each other through some rough shit and eventually decided that we wanted to be more than friends. She's the first girl I've ever known who made me wish I wasn't asexual. She knew all about it when we started dating. So there were no surprises. In fact, she's been really cool. We joked about it a lot. And when we did have sex, which was once or twice a month, I did everything I couldn't make it good for her. This is like fascinating. So like, what are you thinking of? You know, three more minutes and she should be happy. Row, row, row your boat gently down the street.

But lately things have been different. It wasn't a sudden change with something I just noticed recently. She doesn't joke around about sex as much as she used to. And we now have sex once every two or three months. Our emotional bond is still as strong as ever. In fact, just last week we were talking about marriage, but I have a feeling in my gut that she might be fucking another guy. I know her well enough to know that having sex four times a year is nowhere near enough for her. The thing is, it wouldn't bother me if she was fucking someone else. I know she has needs that I can't fulfill. So I'd be willing to have a pinch hitter come in and get the job done for me. Jesus, talk about a fucking 180 from the last story.

Sorry, I had to pause and do the math and just make sure that I didn't say that the wrong number. Sometimes that was a total 360. No, that was a 180. I just wanted, I just wanted to know about it. I've wanted to ask her about it, but I'm worried about what will happen. If I'm wrong, what should I do? I love this girl to get death and I never forget myself if I fuck up a good thing we have together. Dude, that's outside my totally outside my bounds. I don't know what to tell you. I would start going to therapy alone first and then possibly bring her in, but I don't know anything about being asexual. So that that would be my advice. You know, if you want to fix that problem and that type of thing, but I don't know. I feel like to let you down, dude. I'm sorry, but I'm not going

to sit here and fucking run my yamplike. I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about to begin with. I definitely don't know what I'm talking about with that. I would go get some fucking therapy and just say, I don't know what it is. I don't fucking nothing gets me going. Um, and then hopefully you go to some asexual specialist. Jesus, I'm the worst. Sorry, I let you down. I'll give you a podcast magnet next time I see you. All right, 27 year old virgin. Jesus Christ. Hey, Billy, I'd love to hear your humorous take on my pathetic situation. First of all, dude, let's work on your self-esteem. All right, you're already shitting all over yourself. All right, watch this guy. Watch him shit all over himself. I'm a 27 year old virgin.

Oh, Jesus. That's what he wrote. Now, your first question is going to be how the fuck did that happen? Well, to protect myself, I'd actually prefer to keep my background as quiet as possible. Hey, I'm not trying to get you to rat yourself out. Here's what I can say. I come from a rich town inhabited by obnoxious cunts. I was always the weird kid and very socially awkward. People hated me no matter how nice I was. Jesus Christ, dude, are you like a superhero? That's like the exact same background of like every fucking superhero movie, isn't it? It's probably because nerds write those movies because they don't know how to fight and all of a sudden they're like, what if I knew how to fight? What if I could fly? What if there was a guy who could save me? Then they draw it

and then nerds line up around the block to go see it. Do you see the new Spider-Man? Yes, it's exactly like the other ones. I was always the weird kid and very socially awkward. People hated me no matter how nice I was. And eventually I came to hate myself and still do. I called it. Dude, I fucking called it. He's shitting all over himself. Eventually, it was discovered that I most likely have a mild case of Asperger's syndrome, which is a mild form of autism, which is way out of my league. Are you guys trying to make me look dumb? I thought I did that. I achieved that by how awful I read out loud. Here we go. That causes social ineptitude and quirky personality traits. Well, I would go find a hooker with Asperger's.

That's the first thing I would do and get the fucking V off my back. Definitely wear a condom. See, that's where my advice is going to be coming from. You guys have some weird conversation in some ironic vehicle. At least discovering this made me more of self-aware and I've been able to clean up my act over the last few years, but I still have a lot of social anxiety and shyness and very few friends on the flip side. I'm actually pretty decent looking. Have a decent job in a laboratory. He's a fucking, he's going to get bit by something radioactive and he's going to become a superhero. And I'm a certified commercial pilot and do volunteer work. Dude, like, you know something? If I was in the FBI, like, so many fucking red flags just went up there.

Okay, that's the setup now. Now for the question. First, what the fuck would you do if you were in my situation? I told you, I'd get a hooker with Asperger's syndrome and you guys could just bond over that. I don't know. Let me read all your questions. I'm obviously kidding about trying to find a hooker with Asperger's syndrome, all right? You couldn't find one. That would be like needle in the haystack. What you'd have to do is go to an escort service and request that personally. I would think. I'm looking for 36, 24, 36 with Asperger. Hair color does not matter. Yes, I can hold. Next, if eventually I ever do make it anywhere with

the chick, should I tell her up front about my status? I had this conversation a few weeks ago with a friend who has a lot of romantic experience and she said it would be extremely obvious that I'm new to the game and that withholding that information could itself be detrimental. But I also know that if I do tell a chick I'm 27 year old virgin, she will demand an explanation before going any further and it will send up red flags for the most. What do you do, Bill? Thanks for doing your awesome podcast and go fuck yourself. All right, this is what I would do. I would just start hitting on every chick that fucking interests me and I would be just totally honest. Tell him, tell her what your, your, your situation is and you know, if she doesn't accept

it, then fuck her. Let her walk and then you don't have to deal with any of the bullshit. You just, you just fast forwarded through a three year fucking horrific relationship. I would just be I would just be upfront with people. I wouldn't open it with, hey, you have beautiful eyes and I have Asperger. I wouldn't do that. You know, I would work on my self esteem. I wouldn't talk, shit, you just, you shit on yourself right out of the gate. I mean, obviously I knew you're going to do that when you said you were a 27 year old virgin and you're probably going to go that route. But think good thoughts about yourself, man. I know that's kind of like simple, but I, you know, you gotta like, you gotta amp yourself up a little bit. Go out there and you know, you

don't have to go find the chick of your dreams, but just go out. You don't gotta tell some girl you got fucking Asperger syndrome. You don't. Why don't you just do that with somebody that you're really interested in, but you just want to go out and get laid. Just go out there, start hitting on chicks, turn it into a game. So you don't have to deal with the pain of the rejection. Just be like, all right, I don't have the balls to, to take the next step, whatever that step is, peeling yourself off the fucking wall, striking up a conversation, just saying hello to a pretty girl. She walks down the street. Just try to get over that fucking hurdle and give yourself permission to suck. And you just, you gradually build it up. It's like learning how to play guitar. You're

not going to pick it up and immediately be able to play all your songs. You learn a couple of fucking chords, you know, then your fingers hurt, right? And you get frustrated, but you keep coming back and eventually you can fucking play. Pussy is no different. That's what I would do. Put the Asperger on the back burner. Who knows, dude, maybe you're not as fucked up as you think you are socially. You know what I mean? Maybe you got a sense of humor under that. I think you do. You shit on yourself in a funny way. You know, spin it around that way. Do you have any interests? Go, go to a, go to a fucking, I don't know, whatever, you know, do you fly kites? Go to some flying the kite convention. There's got to be some woman there who also likes kites. I know that was an

overly simplified thing, but that's what I would do. All right. And then when you go to like, hook up with somebody, they, you know, and yeah, tell them if you start and you don't know what you're doing to watch a couple of fucking porno's, you know, you'll get the idea. Actually, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Because then you'll fucking start slapping them around. Don't do that. I don't know what to tell you, dude, right? Get by some books. I say, go buy some, buy some books in that, that, uh, that, that part of the bookstore that, you know, if bookstores exist anymore, go on, go online, there's got to be plenty of information. I bet if you literally looked up finger banging technique, if you looked how to kiss, I bet this is just going to be reams of

fucking information. I've never done that because I never had to. Oh, just kidding. Of course I had to. You think that I didn't wish that fucking information was around way back in the day when you had no idea you just practice a kiss in your fucking pillow and try to overhear conversations in the fucking high school cafeteria and try to figure out what people were talking about. That's all I could do. You had, you had the whole world that your fingertips, you know? So when you're done in the laboratory, working with radioactive shit before you, you, you, get bit by something, you know, once you go on, get laid before you learn how to fly. All right. All right. Personal dilemma. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Read my fucking letter. I got some

problem. Oh, look who's up. Look who woke up. What's up, buddy? How are you? You want to go outside? Want me to make my dog how? This is Clio. You want to go outside? Clio. She's dancing around. Clio. Clio. Do you try to go low? Clio. Come here. Clio. Nah, you fucking. You know what I feel right now? I feel like I'm in that Bugs Bunny cartoon when that bullfrog is singing, Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. You know, you guys are here so she won't do it. Clio. Now she's licking herself. I'm not going to fucking be able to top that. All right. Personal dilemma. Hey, Bill. A few days ago, a good friend of mine lost her dad in a motorcycle accident. Jesus Christ. Is there any ray of sunshine at the end of these? We started

off. Well, let's, let's just rewind here. Let's see where the fuck we, how we got to this point. All right. Started off validation. My son's a nut job. That was kind of whatever. Surprise. We're getting a divorce. I blew somebody at work. Holy shit. Then we go asexual, fucking whip that around and then we get hit the 27 year old virgin. Now, now we're talking about death. Okay. And none of this am I qualified to talk about. Um, Bill, a few days ago, a good friend of mine lost her dad in a motorcycle accident. It's obviously an incredible emotional time for her and her mother, much younger brother and her family, her dad. This is such an awful joke. Did they tear that sticks? His stick figure like picture off the back of the SUV. I'm sorry. I had to

lighten it up. I had to lighten it up. I'm sorry. All right. Her dad loves his motorcycles and would take it across the continent with his body and his wife and he had his kids on dirt bikes since they were young. Everyone is giving all the support they can and will continue to do so in time during this tough time above. Last week, my buddy and I both bought our first motorcycles and have been really excited to get it out on the road. We both put over 15 grand into not only our bikes, but riding gear and two courses. Obviously, this is pretty bad timing and we can't cancel or reschedule the first course or else we both give a grand to these dicks for nothing. The course is next weekend and we're not sure whether or not we should go under the circumstances. If the funeral falls

within that weekend, it's obviously more important, but if not, should we take the course? I told her about the bike and dude, this is fucking hilarious. This is fucking hilarious. This guy is trying to act like he really cares about this guy and he's trying to weigh whether I go take my Fonzarelli course or go to the fucking funeral. I thought the stick figure was a bad joke. Now I don't feel bad about it. All right. I told her about the bike and courses before the accident. So hiding it really isn't an option. I don't think she would want us anywhere near a bike after this. Oh, okay. I see what you're doing. All right. Strike that. Strike what I just said. I've been close with this girl for a while and I don't want to do

anything that might make the situation work. Worse, my buddy and I both know this sounds incredibly fucking selfish. And if we had the option of even rescheduling, we would have done it, but a grand to a student has a lot of money and we don't want to give it to these pricks. I love how these guys are pricks. How are they pricks? These, they're not pricks. They have a business. They said what it was up front. They didn't jack it up. You paid it for them. You're trying to make them out to be the bad guys here. But we also want to offend and make her and maybe make, offend her and maybe make things worse. If that's even possible at this point, what should we do? Thanks, dude. You want to go to this fucking course in the worst way.

You give a shit. You care, but you don't want to lose your fucking money. Yeah. I mean, a thousand bucks is a thousand bucks. I don't know what to tell you. You got to answer that one on your own, dude, but you want to go. You definitely want to go. If there was a way for you to go and not go to the funeral without getting in trouble, you would fucking do it in a second. And it has nothing to do with those fucking pricks with their business. All right. You know, who's kidding who, dude, with all the fucking dancing and skipping around there, you want to fucking go learn how to ride a motorcycle, your $15,000 motorcycle, all right? With your punky Tuscadero outfit, you want to go put that on.

Is there a way for you to fucking go to the course and then come back? Dude, this is what you do. You go take the course that day. All right. And hopefully the funeral is at night. And right as the service starts here, you come flying back on your bike and then a tribute to that guy died on a motorcycle. You come through right through the fucking church doors on the motorcycle. And when everybody fucking gasped, you just yell out, that's the way he would have wanted it. He would have wanted, he died doing what he loved. And I brought my Viking air as a tribute and I went to that class because I knew he would want me to do that. So don't even look at me that way. All right. Continue on with the service. That's what you do. All right. That's

my advice. If you're gonna fucking do it because I know you want to do it. What you're wrestling with right now, sir, is the selfish cunt within you. And I'm not judging you. I'm, I'm relating. Good luck. All right. Smart chicks. Oh wait, I haven't done any advertising this week. All right, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, I forgot to mention this. Today's show is brought to you by, I feel like I'm on Sesame Street, the number three in the letter L. Today's show is brought to you by audible. Please visit audible podcast.com slash bill for your free audio book download. Do you like books, but don't want to read them? They got a free audio book download for you at audible podcast.com slash bill. Look at that. I give you bad advice. Yet I bring it around with free

stuff. Okay. Um, what are we doing here? What am I doing here? audible podcast.com slash bill, go there, get a free audio book download, check out their website, listen to the podcasts and all that type of stuff. Have a good time with that. There we go. Can you tell? Can you tell? I'm trying to look for other stuff here as I'm doing this. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, Eric Clapton, hang on. That's sent mail. I wanted to go into the inbox. Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, Jesus. Guess who's back stamps.com. Everybody stamps.com. Okay, let's get through this one because I know you guys got to have this one memorized at this point. Do you guys like going to the pod to the podcast to the post office? Huh? Maybe you do. Maybe you

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And if you want to buy something, if you buy something, not saying you have to, they kick a little bit of money to me and I take 10% of that and I kick it to the Wounded Warriors project. Actually, to be honest with you, what I'm starting to do is just 10% of everything I make on this, all this advertising, I'm just sending to the Wounded Warriors project. So if you do any of this stuff, you're going to be helping out vets and this podcast. It's a win-win you can feel good about yourself. Game if not saying you don't already. All right, gamefly.com. Are you a gamer? Or do you just look like one? Gamefly.com offers over 8,000 video games. They send discs in the mail to you and you can send them, you can send them back when you're done.

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have a great week. You can have a great week. Oh, look, I'm going to go buy a widget on amazon.com. You just helped out the troops. Who's a hero? You are. Not me. Not me. I'm just a messenger. I'm just a, I'm an open channel. I just let it flow right through me. All right, smart chicks. Bill, you're an American hero. Who are you talking to? Me for what? If I did, I must know somebody at the American hero awards nepotism. My dad started it. So he just gave me one. Smart chicks. My girlfriend dumped me because she could sniff out my BS before I even realized it smelled. She was definitely smarter than me because after I was through pouting about being dumped, I realized she was right. That's very mature. You know, you're not that dumb. There's a lot of

smart guys, you know, that can't do. They think Albert Einstein would do that. Some chick who's smarter than him. He could fucking handle that with his Phil Spector haircut before Phil Spector. Tom Selleck mustache. All right. So here's my question. How do I make smart chicks dumber? Thanks for your help. Don't go fuck yourself. Fuck others. Okay. This guy's a wise ass. I like him. How do you make smart chicks dumber? Um, all right, this is what you do. I don't care who they are. They got to have some sort of physical thing that you can tell it there that they're sensitive about. Okay, maybe they have little arms like that little hot Italian chick on the food network, you know, every time she goes to reach something like her arms are always totally

straight or else she can't get it. Yet she's somehow like five foot two. That's what you do. You just look for something. Okay. And then you focus on that anytime she starts being smarter, you bring up her little arms, you know, you bat, you gradually destroy her spirit. That's how you do it. Now, do you want to do that? I hope you don't. Because if you do, then seriously go fuck yourself. Oh, sorry. Anyways, let's go. Dilemmus, Bill, would you rather gain a three pack a day smoking habit or have to wear a dress for the rest of your life? Oh, I take a dress all day long. I take all fucking day long, I would get some fucking fruity smelling shampoo to wash what's

left of my hair. And I'd wear right where it down the street, you know, and I would do it, I would start hanging out in coffee houses and act like I played guitar and I probably get more ass than I ever did. As opposed to fucking three pack a day smoking habit. There's no fun. I don't want to do that. Then what die earlier. I'll be on my deathbed going out. I should have wore a dress. Still be alive. The Bruins still in first place. Fuck. I know they're gonna win it again. Would you rather have a third nipple in the center of your chest or a third testicle? Oh, without question, I take the third ball all day long. Who the fuck's going to see it? You know, and then if I ever get kicked in the balls, I got one that can get out of the way.

So maybe it can like somehow offset the pain of one. It only feels like, like when Lance gets kicked in the balls. Does that make any sense? I mean, I don't know. When is a girl really gonna, when does a girl really even look at your balls? You know, it's funny. I could have three balls and my girl wouldn't know. You know, I never noticed that. Of course you didn't. It's all fucking inflated and not inflated and shift in and it's, it's like, I don't know what it is. It's like a ball sack. I don't even know what the fuck is in there. Yeah, throw another one in there. I don't give a shit. Supposed to having that third one sitting there looking like a late model Ford 1948 Ford.

It was at the, no, what was that guy that Tim Robbins, that car Tim Robbins made in that movie Tucker looking like the front end of one of those Tuckers. Yeah, I'm not doing that. Have a third headlight. No fucking way. No way. There's not enough makeup to cover that up, but you know, whatever, throw something else in my ball bag. Hey, you know what I say about my ball bag? The more the merrier. How do you like that? All right. And with that, that's the podcast for this week. Everybody up nice and early. It's able to be downloaded perfectly. What could you think about bitching about next? Who knows? Please visit me on Twitter. I'm almost up to 100,000 followers. You know, and I think once I get to 100,000, that's going to be critical mass.

And that's when I can really start hitting you guys with my conspiracy theories and possibly start getting a little momentum. You know, that's it. Okay, this week, everybody, I'm going to be at the DC improv. It's already sold out, but I'm going to bring it up just so I can tell you that's sold out. You know, like when they have a poster up on the wall and they just stamp sold out on it. It's like, well, then why are you still advertising it to rub it in that I'm not going? That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm at the DC improv down. I'm out there to celebrate celebrate their fucking 30th anniversary. It's one of my favorite clubs of all time. You know, there's some special ones out there, ones that I dreamed of playing and that is one of them. How do you like that endorsement people

at the DC improv? I love them so much. I'm going to be there on a Tuesday. Oh, Jesus. You know what? I just tried to overly cross my leg over the top of the armrest here and I just crushed one of my balls for a second. You know, why do you think that just happened? Do you think my house is haunted? Do you think there was maybe somebody who used to live here named Ulysses who was killed by a bunch of fucking mean neighborhood kids because they found out he had three balls. And now I finally brought it up and I unleashed him. You know what? I think I'm going to call ghost hunter. It's the grace, the ghost of three ball Larry. And you know what's funny about that fucking ridiculous goddamn show is they would actually show up to film it. You know, you know, I want to,

I want to film them film in my place and catch them when they throw that rock down the hall and be like, Oh, what the fuck was that? Did you feel something? I definitely felt something. You know, that show is it's like a bunch of Paul Verzi's chasing ghosts. All right, you want to hear the biggest, the biggest fucking scam ever. And this is such a big fight between me and Nia all the time is the use of the fucking dishwasher. I think the dishwasher is one of the biggest scams other than the Federal Reserve. It goes Federal Reserve, ice cubes, anger, and then the dishwasher. And you can throw Skip Bayless in there somewhere, his screaming and yelling somewhere. You can

throw it in there somewhere. I don't give a fuck. You know, it's all it's all up to personal opinion. The dishwasher, it doesn't fucking wash dishes. And I know this is a Seinfeldt, but why they should call it the wet and hot washer. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't the dishwasher does not scrub the dishes. It basically like you ever take a piss and there's a skid mark in the toilet and you just start peeing on it. That's what a dishwasher does. You know, so basically if the food has been there long enough, it's not coming off. All right, and my lady will fucking put dishes in there and they'll stay in there for fucking days and then she runs it and it gets it gets most of it done. You know, and then I go out to make myself an egg and there's fucking dinner

from fucking three nights ago, a couple of like skid marks in the toilet lasagna skid marks on the fucking plates. It drives me nuts. I had a hissy fit everybody. Okay. I literally I had a hissy fit. I'll even call it that if you saw it, you would have laughed your asses off because I was here by myself cursing and screaming when I couldn't figure out why we didn't have any fucking forks. Where are the forks? And then I finally was like, you know what, I bet they're in the goddamn dishwasher and I went over and open a dishwasher and there was like fucking 10 plates in there all with this shit that you couldn't get off. Yeah, I have to hire one of those fucking guys who paints cars at this point to come over here with that sandblaster to get this

shit off. And you know, I don't know. I'm talking too much about this shit. But the dish dishwasher is completely it's a scam. It doesn't fucking work. And for some reason, it adds value to your house. When people show up doesn't have a dishwasher. Oh, honey, they have that thing that doesn't really work. You know, oh, Jesus, you built, you know, it's you're an hour and 15 minutes in you gave them their fucking money's worth. Do you really need to end it with your goofy little riff about dishwashers? Do you think other people never use them and realize that they don't quite fucking work? You stupid cunt. Alright, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.