Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-10-20

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

Bill rambles about sports, night animals, and canceling a girlfriend.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 10th 2020 what's going on? How are you? Oh Jesus get in the pool man Jump in the water somewhere the summer is almost gone. How the fuck is it already August 10th? So fucking crazy. We've all been on summer vacation other than stressing out Since like March, I can't believe this fucking year is flying by it is flying by and ladies and gentlemen Professional sports are back with a vengeance This is the first day that I can remember it's Sunday by the way Sunday afternoon

My lovely daughter's taking a nap right now My wonderful son. I think I'm on the wheel of fortune because you always have to describe Your family members or your wife with adjectives. They like that what you got to be like Who's here with you? I got my smoking hot wife Gabriella I got My Drinking buddy Sammy out there. I got man-titted Freddy. You know you got to do that. So I'm gonna I'm gonna go wheel of fortune here My beautiful daughter is sleeping and my wonderful son is also sleeping so I can sneak out here and

Knock out a podcast here for y'all Anyway, Jesus Christ, we're only halfway through the day It is 1239 Pacific Coast time here on a Sunday and there's all kinds of hockey left to be played. How about oh I don't want to say it. I don't want to jinx them, but I got to say how about those fucking Toronto Maple Leafs They blow a three nothing fucking lead I watched that game. I watched them slowly Just you just do what they do to their fucking fans all the time Yeah, what do you think we're gonna win this game now? It's time to take out the fucking Take out the fucking Iron Maiden slowly close it on our goddamn fan base

Whatever the hell it is they did and I just sat there absolutely disgusted Watching them blow that fucking lead and then the very next game, right? I've turned it on a little bit late Old Tortorelli's got the fucking Columbus blue jackets. He's doing a hell of a job over there. I'm lovin the new sometimes happy Tortorelli is that he say his fucking name. I like that guy. He's an angry fucking lunatic. I relate and he's trying not to be It reminds me dick for meal when he had the Eagles in 1980 against the Raiders He over prepared him he burned him out before the Super Bowl But the man learned and he came back in 1999 after leaving NFL coaching for a while the man came back He cried after every game

He made it okay as a man to get a little choked up and he he he had his He didn't have the foot all the way down the whole year and goddamn it they want the one of the last play against the Tennessee Titans and And the late great Steve McNair So I think that that's Make sure I'm saying his name right here Columbus Tortorella sorry

Sorry, my apologies as a German Irishman apology to all Italian Americans tortorella. I'm loving what he's doing out there. Okay, so Tortorelli's got his team comes in then they go up the Columbus blue jackets go up three to nothing the very next game and I was just like It was five minutes left and all freckles all freckles stay there to the end What does he do? He shuts off the fucking TV disgusted goes downstairs, you know happy for Columbus But disgusted that you know, I just you know, I like I like the Maple Leafs, right? So I go downstairs I have dinner Okay, I eat fast. I come back 10 15 fucking minutes later. Whatever the hell it was 20 minutes later

Still have the NHL channel on and I'm sitting there. I Watched for three minutes before I realized this wasn't the the wrap-up of the game and saying what do they need to do As my buddy says Toronto's too top-heavy They got they have all these goal scorers. They lose a lot of games six to five They don't have any money to get a fucking defenseman He's also saying the Bruins aren't gonna be able to afford Tory Krug And I said is he gonna end up in Toronto and he said they can't afford them. I don't know So anyway, I'm sitting there thinking that this is gonna be the end and there's gonna be another fucking head coach

In Toronto selling his fucking house or putting his condo up on the on the market, whatever the hell it is And they're talking intermission. I was sitting there for three four minutes and then I finally looked down It was three to three and I was like, what the fuck just happened What the fuck just happened? Well, evidently they pulled the goalie And scored three goals three unanswered goals. They scored And I got to think that the great Patrick Waugh was sitting somewhere going was I fucking call it? Did I call it? You should have taken them out with nine minutes left you would have won fucking six to three

Anyway, so my beloved Boston Bruins Lost again today. We went all in three. We lost to the number one seed look out there in Philly We lost to the number one seeded flyers. They want the number one seed when we lost to them They were just the fucking flyers now. They're the number one seed in the east We lost to them then we lost to Tampa and now we lost to Who the fuck do we lose to we lost to Washington the capitals who just they just fucking own us They I can't remember the last time we beat that team. I love that dude fucking Wilson by the way a lot of people think he's dirty

I don't think he's dirty. I think he's a complete player. All right I think he's a complete player and the people that criticize him are a little too sensitive All right, I love Milan Luci, I loved him with the Bruins And I but am I gonna sit there and act like he didn't stab a few guys in the balls with this stick the man did it Okay, was he a dirty player? No, is he a clean player? He's well rounded This is what you have to understand if you take your stick and you fucking stab somebody in the fucking taint with it As much as people are gonna say you shouldn't do that shit people out there like you know this motherfucker stabs people in the taint That's gonna give you some space on the ice. It's gonna give you top players space on the ice

And this is what that man is supposed to be doing I'm loving Lucic having a having a fun time. He looks like he's having the best time ever out there in Calgary Calgary one The hated habs the blue-blank a douche Canadians look out for them a 12 seed Fucking beat the Pittsburgh Penguins the dirty birds out there and fucking Western, Pennsylvania Hey, we can cross-check you into the boards, but don't do it to us But if you do it wearing our uniform will put you in the ring of honor Pittsburgh Penguins lose To the Montreal Canadians and can and speaking of Patrick Waugh. We have to talk about the curse of

Lord Patrick Okay, when those silly sock wearing pocket square having racist French fans fucking Bood that guy out of that the greatest gold tender since fucking Kendrick they booed that guy out of the fucking city He goes to Colorado Colorado wasn't that fucking hockey city Denver, Colorado They like the Broncos IPA and growing weed. That's what they did out there

You know and listening to John Denver Do you think now is John Denver was he from Colorado Or did he just write that last song because his stage name was Denver or was it his real name? We got to look up. We got to look up We got to look up John Denver. Okay, so I'm gonna say tortoisella correctly John Denver All right, no he was Henry John Duchendorff by a had to change that gave it going for Henry Duchendorff

Um No, professionally is John Denver was an American singer songwriter record that the da da da da da da da Let's see where where where oh where did he fucking go? He was from Ross? Well, New Mexico Well being from the east coast that's close enough. Okay, he jumps on what is that the 25? Is that what it is? Do you take it north 35? I know runs through Right through fucking Waco, Texas all the way up to Minnesota if I remember correctly For my road dog and dage

Uh-huh Oh, he was from Ross grew up in Rossville, New Mexico. All right Okay Changed it to Denver and then wrote Rocky Mountain High, Colorado I mean this that's right there is called building your brand Rest in peace John Denver way to go. All right now. What else what other surprises were there in the NHL? the Chicago Blackhawks Winners of three Stanley Cup championship over the last decade

Everyone thought they got a little too old What the fuck happened and what happens they came out? And they beat one of my favorite teams in the west the loaded Edmonton Oilers I was really looking forward to watching them throughout the playoffs. They were sort of my team in the west I still love the blackhawks. I love Chicago. I you know, I gotta be honest with you I'm really a fucking, you know an equal opportunity fan here. I'm enjoying fucking uh, phil kessel Down in fucking Arizona I'd like to see them do something. I don't give a

fuck All right, this is my only thing. I don't even hate the flyers. I mean, I don't know philly fans. I'm kind of on the fence with You know, I respect their passion, but I feel like they've become a parody of themselves with the bad behavior Which reminded me of like bobby knight the great bobby knight towards the end of his career I felt like he was throwing chairs because he people were like I came here to see you throw a chair You know and I feel like philly fans. They're like, all right Nobody's done anything in a while. All right. I'll stick my fingers down my throat and puke on a kid

I kept it going. He is talking about us again. I got the Santa Claus story going again. I just don't know if I buy it anymore I'm not saying that they're not lunatics. They're not animals that they won't do that shit. I'm kind of questioning the motivation now I feel like uh Their fan behavior was where like hair metal ended up in the early 90s Where it's like, well, what are we doing now? I've I've mined in this video. I've mined uh licking a pussy I've licked my guitar I've pelvic pumped I'm wearing more makeup than fucking nine drag queens. Where do I go from here?

I I really feel like Philly fans have painted themselves into a corner where they're gonna have to uh, they're gonna have to start attacking each other Having said that it is exciting to see the flyers Be the number one seed and actually think what if the flyers won the cup how fucking crazy that city would go? That that would be awesome to see That's it. The only team I really root against is just the canadiens just because like i'm supposed to but even them They've been like such a non-factor For so goddamn long with the curse of patrick waw

27 years strong um They got to get that monkey off their backs So we should see what happens and the reason why I like to root for toronto's because I know canadian fans Hate them a belief still. I don't know why but they used to be like the celtics and lakers going back and forth with uh When in championships stanley cups and as mentioned before the um, the toronto may beliefs have not won Since uh, joe nameth was playing for the jets. They've once it's 1967 So the amazing thing is I is that I they are still the closest team

To the montreal canadians as far as like stanley cup victories. Uh, Let's look that up most come on come on. You could do it most stanley Cup Victories victory victorah, but up up up up up up up victories. All right, the canadians have 24 um, you know, they count those ones where they beat the the fucking the uh, I don't know The montreal maroons, but why not why the fuck not right the celtics count all of their so I can't can't bitch too much about that God bless them. God bless them in their 24 fucking

stanley cups, uh Yes, the may beliefs stopped at lucky 13. So If they were to win one They would be Number they'd still be number two 14. They'd be they'd only be 10 behind which you know back in a six Team league. Well, I don't even think was still in striking distance. It's uh You know, no one's ever gonna catch them not in my lifetime. There's no fucking way

I mean if montreal keeps doing what they do and then you gotta you gotta have toronto is somehow gonna win fucking 11 cups And i'm 52 years old. I in a 30 team league Uh, I think i'm gonna have to accept that i'm gonna accept the fact that i'm gonna be on my deathbed and the montreal canadians will still have The most but you never know you never know. I always have to think positive All right, who's number three? Oh, you know who it is. It's a detroit redwinks with 11 And then surprisingly at number four, there's a two-way tie with the boston bruins and the chicago blackhawks Edmonton's got five pittsburgh has five the islanders

Won four in a row early They peaked the quarterback of the team banging the head cheerleader Graduated didn't go to college got fat kept wearing your fucking varsity jacket. You can't button it anymore What is going on with the islanders new york rangers have four new jersey devils have three. There's a lot of big names here I mean look at this shit the montreal canadians the the maple leafs and the redwinks have won 30 set 48 They've almost won half Has there been 100 stanley cups at this point? I don't fucking know

There's a bunch of people with two and all of that shit. Um expand the statistic um Well, I guess having six stanley cups is a pretty big deal um It's kind of funny though when you look at this one two three four five Wait a minute one two three four five Fucking rangers blow it. I was gonna say top the top five um teams with the most stanley cups are all original six teams and um

You have to respect the redwinks the maple leafs and the canadians But the Bruins and the blackhawks with only six and then the rangers. I mean Jesus christ The rangers with fucking four Um, you only had to beat five other teams and all they could get was fucking four granted the canadians and the maple leafs were taken most of them but still um, I do think it's incredible that uh Let me just have a question for you at what point does it become a curse? okay, because the fucking

New york rangers. I remember my whole life growing up. They were chanting 1940 throughout the 80s and they were they only that was only You know 40-something years and then they ended the curse in 94 So that was 54 years It took them to win a cup and they were like the curse is over. I can die now The fucking maple leafs are not considered curse for whatever reason and they have a healthy 53 years. I mean next year they got to win it next year Or else, um

Their drought is longer than the fucking rangers See, this is the deal as much of a cunt as a montreal canadian fan can be They they still they're too nice up there at least to white people and they don't chant the year That's an east coast thing. I think that started with islander fans Probably because that they won four in a row And I bet ranger fans probably shit on them that new york rangers were the only fucking game in town And then all of a sudden they came out of nowhere and they won four fucking in a row Caught up to the fucking and past the rangers

Isn't that something the rangers only won three when there was six teams Fucking doormats, but they also had a problem too because no one respected the game here um, I said here like I still live in new york the game in new york and I know that they had Or at least in the united states it wasn't respected And that the rangers had issues with the fucking circus would come to town. I remember reading this It'd come to msg during the fucking playoffs So they would have to a lot of times go play in like maple leaf gardens or something. They'd have to play a home game

on the road, so Yeah, so I can't I can't jump on them. Listen, I'm not here to shit on fucking people All right, I'm here to be excited that there's uh That there's there's playoff hockey coming and I'm already used to not having crowds there All right, I don't need people banging on the glass every time it goes into the fucking corner I've never understood people doing that shit Um, you know when you go to the zoo. Is that what you do you fucking banging the thing to get the lion going? I mean, you know, you know the thing can fucking kill you have a little respect for the people playing on the ice, right?

I'll tell you in a perfect world that would just be a fucking screen Like on somebody's back door and when you did it luchich would go in there and he'd fucking Give you a little fucking wake-up call. By the way luchich had a had a fight the other night I'm still always gonna love that guy. He was fighting some guy in winnipeg that's who cal repeat and uh another one of my favorite teams. I love winnipeg and um You know the the other guy was giving away like 20 25 pounds to luchich and he was beyond the gentleman You know, he ragged all them a little bit gave him a couple of fucking hits and when the one the guy went down to the Ice he didn't do anything and I believe what I heard when the guy got up. He said thank you to him

It's a class act you know, um It's a classy fucking move. It's the kind of thing that gets kicked you kicked out of the ring of honor in in uh, the pittsburgh penguins franchise Sorry, um, whatever. Let's I'm just trying to stir it up here. I'm trying to get excited about quarantine Stanley Cup playoffs In fucking august. We got a round robin All right, uh, did anybody watch the moto gp? Have I converted you to motorcycle race it?

Um, congratulations To brad binder Hope I said his name. It's not bender. Is it brad bender brad binder. I don't know and in ktm Um getting the big wing in winning the uh check republic Uh, franco morbidelli came in second yohan zarko johan zarko, whatever the fuck you say it came in third Was a great race. I did think it was funny. It was just like a new star is born with brad bender It's like easy easy mark marquez isn't out there All right, mark marquez isn't out. This is like when jordan was playing baseball. Let's fucking relax here

Fabio quattararo, unfortunately as yamaha had uh grip problems all weekend on the uh with the rear wheel So that just sucked. You know what I mean? He didn't get to see the guy playing at his uh playing riding at his top Fucking levels. So, um But it was a great race nonetheless Definitely missing uh mark marquez coming out, you know being out there on the track. I mean And let me see when's he gonna be mark marquez Scheduled

Return what do we got here when's he coming back mark is recovering from successful surgery and remain in the hospital for up to 48 hours I already saw that Mark is cleared to return from the fracture july 23rd. We already know what happened there Despite his injury clearance mark won't race injured mark mark evaluating Five days ago mark mark has out of check republic So he's sort of race to race after a heroic return just four days after surgery Mark marquez will miss the How do you see brno? I mean that's some east european thing no vowel

burn-o race with uh Stefan brady Brattle joining the team i'm gonna stop butchering people's names. All right, so I guess he's he's race to race here So that's a big deal fabio quattararo in that That that rear tire Um fucking him over on this race Could come back could oh oh that's how good mark marquez is he could actually come back And at least make it exciting towards the end. Uh, and i'm betting you know

provided The yamaha team figures out what the fuck was wrong with his bike and he continues to be able to ride something That's up to his level of talent All right And with that I gotta tell you man. I've been playing fucking drums and shit and uh This new thing where I I fucking stretch for like 15 20 minutes before I play I totally fucking relax I have my little warm-ups that I do I sit down. I have fun and then I try to do that

That 16th no triplet thing that I've been trying to figure out has changed my fucking life As far as my practice I should say and um Just knowing Just going in and just not having like yesterday I played it at this now I need to play it at least at that if not faster Just letting go of all of that and just be like, yeah, how do I feel today? And it's not really feeling it right now I just play a couple of songs and I come back to it and really just starting slow and working my way up something

I have heard For fucking 20 goddamn years something davie litch has been telling me forever. I'm finally applying it You know And and like I don't know like all of a sudden now The other night Like two nights in a row back to back I'm cruising at 80 bpm's and I'm playing it at 85 pretty comfortably and actually went up to 90 the other The song's at 95. I'm literally in striking distance and at 90

I could play the lick Three times in a row like he does at the beginning of the song um And then just for the fuck of it. I go let me try to play along the song just to see where I am with the rest of The song it was still a little bit too fast for me, but it didn't feel like mind-blowingly fast So today I'm gonna play And I'm gonna start at 60 bpm's get myself up to 80 and then for 80 Just fucking play the song for like five ten minutes. What I've ten minutes a long time

But like five minutes and just have fun and then bump it up to 82 83 and then ended 85 And just get it to the point where 85 is as comfortable as 80 before I even think about 86 forget about 90 and um I just think the way I'm scatterbrained add fucking moron. I literally went through like you know like uh The history of what my brain is like how they used to describe it when I was a kid. It was you're a moron And then it became a little you know, he's a little scatterbrained and then it became add they just keep whittling it down of uh, you know, we we know the deal

So I just have to understand that I am a scatterbrained lunatic. So, um I just try to uh Acknowledge that I try not to fight it And I just try to just be aware that this is what I do when this gets in my way. So make an effort To that when you are practice practicing to be as focused as long as you can and when that fucking Shit starts coming up. I want to do this I want to do this just go play a couple of songs and then come back to what you were working on Have like your scatterbrained shit

While you're playing songs and fucking around but when you're working on the thing, you know Be it for a minute or fucking 10 quality minutes. Just make sure you're just hyper focused On doing your thing. So, um, I don't know I'm beyond excited About that and now I'm applying what I'm learning with this thing to everything else that I want to practice But I have to also be trying not to now also be oh, this is working good times bad times Let me try this with fucking that that that vinnie paul thing and the alex van halen thing and 50 000 other fucking things Um, I don't want to do that either. So, uh, I gotta make sure I just work on this thing if I can get anything out of covid If I can learn this skill that will bring at will put absolutely no food on the fucking table

Um, anyway, let me see if I got the reads here for the week for the week So, uh, my prediction Okay Because toronto And the blue jackets have not played yet I have no You know what?

Uh, man, I I'm the I'm all I'm gonna say is I'm rooting I'm rooting for toronto But I will tell you nobody can be dumb enough With what they've done to their fan base to ever put money on that fucking team um It's almost like nobody wants to win that fucking series. Sorry. I'm typing on my fucking password. I'm trying to look at my goddamn email here And what do they do? I'm just verifying that it's you Oh, yeah, somebody trying to break into my account to steal my junk mail

Okay, okay I don't want Okay, protect your account confirm. All right, beautiful. I don't want to give you my phone number I love their idea that I should give you my phone number like this is some sort of safe fucking thing to do Where you're obviously concerned that somebody's breaking into my fucking account If I give you my phone number, then you know, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? All right, here we go

I got some I got some reads here Um Well here the reads do I have any advertising? Oh Jesus Christ I swear to god, I'm gonna have to start walking the block I got no stand-up gigs the fucking The goddamn I don't have any fucking advertising. It's just well what nobody's making any money and nobody can buy anything Oh, there they go. There they are. I got some reads. They just came in hot off the press. Mmm. Smell the ink I got one read

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Okay, I don't want to get all david foster here, but I thought my name was supposed to be in the copy Um I had a bad run in with wildlife I got to talk to you about um I came out to my garage and I opened the door and there was a little gecko sitting in there right speaking of insurance Right little fucking lizard whatever you call these things and I'm looking at this thing and it's just fucking laying there I'm like, all right. I know the deal It's sitting there right now going all right if I taste taste totally still maybe this giant thing won't eat me

So I nonchalantly lay down a bunch of things so this thing can't scurry further into my garage And um I've made a lot of dumb moves in my life But like underestimating the scurrying ability of a little lizard is right at the top of the list because I thought I had this fucker boxed in the second I reached down to grab it by its tail and just sort of take it outside Uh this motherfucker just like Started scurrying right

And I was going you motherfucker. I was trying to catch it and then I finally cornered the thing and I was trying to be fucking nice And but it wouldn't let me you know I was trying to ease it out the door So I finally had to take off my rubber flip flop and I flipped them out the door pretty fast And then he just fucking laid there And I was like oh shit that I heard him and one of his arms was kind of like underneath his body and uh

So I went up and I touched him and he barely moved and then I was just like oh Oh this thing's dying That's why it came in To my garage. I think because it just wanted to die Because it wasn't cut from the flip because I flipped them out before with my fucking flip flop And uh, at least I hope it wasn't that but he already wasn't moving because I thought he was like asleep because I touched him And he didn't fucking move. I think he's like trying to die with dignity and I fucked it up. So anyway I did what I didn't hear I came out and he was still lying there. I'm like, ah, fuck now

He's gonna lay here and get eaten by a fucking snake You know, I'm not supposed to interfere with nature. I kind of just did or whatever. So anyway, so I went into the house and I came back And the motherfucker was back inside my garage again. And you know what? I just said, all right, dude, you can die in here I get it. All right. He's just looking at me and I'm looking at him and I'm like, okay, you win I don't want uh, you know who wants to get fucking eaten alive You know, so there you go. I'm sure I'll get some shit from the fucking the lizard left Um, anyway, uh plowing ahead here, uh, let's do some of the uh, some of the reeds here. Um, yeah, I really fucking I mean

When it comes to animals, I mean other than like a fucking mosquito, I can kill mosquitoes But I got like real I got fucking issues and for half a second I I wouldn't be able to kill a chicken Because uh, I heard that they could count to 10 but then all these chicken farmers are like, uh, they kill each other, man That whole pecking order they will peck a chicken to death I mean, let me ask you a question. Would you rather have A fucking, you know, because all I'm gonna do is just come over and chop its fucking head off Quickly, I'm not gonna. Would you rather be pecked to death or just have yourself stuck in a guillotine and have the fucking knife

Come slamming down on you You know, um I would choose the guillotine I'm not saying I wouldn't be laying there like, uh, why are you doing that? Don't do it. I would definitely beg it for my life But I would rather do that than somebody just flicking me in the ear until I fucking died Um Anyway, I watched a lot of shit on fucking animals. I was watching coyotes. I just can't stop watching this shit You know

These life and death struggles that they fucking have out there Um I can't I was watching fucking coyotes. Uh, that's weird. I can watch it kill a cat, but I can't I hate watching them kill dogs Um, I watched a leopard though a leopard somehow got a domestic dog and had the fucking thing up the tree But didn't know how to finish it off And then somehow the dog got free and fucking ran away Um, I'm like, wasn't that thing like biting into your neck? I mean you fucking had a hell of a weekend there, buddy um

But I don't understand people that leave their domesticated animals outside At night I just don't understand. I mean even during the day I don't know where you guys live, but out here we got these fucking We have hawks and shit out here and they Did I tell this story? I was on Crenshaw Boulevard one time before the fucking pandemic bumper to bumper traffic And uh, all of a sudden the people in front of me were like on uh, like it was two lanes, right?

And they were both like opening like Going over the double line And the other one was going more towards the curb. There was obviously something laying in the road And as I drove by I you know when I came up to what it was there was a falcon Just standing on top of a pigeon waiting for it to die and the pigeon was flapping its fucking wings and shit And I was like but I had to keep going, you know la traffic and I want somebody to shoot me, right? So I was just like then I just see what I just saw and then I just saw this fucking pigeon

Like fly right by the I think it was I think the the the uh, the hawk got freaked out by By the cars and shit and just sort of let the fucking thing go I can't imagine that man those fucking birds of prey. I mean, that's like freddy kruger times too, right those talons coming at you I watched all of those bird videos Um, I watched this giant skinny fucking bird try to steal an eagle's Meal because the eagle was in a cage And he stuck his fucking long skinny head in through the bars and stole some of his fucking Food and the look on the goddamn well the eagles always had the same look on their face. They never look happy, right?

so It finishes uh By the way, why do birds of prey Have those angry eyes and why the fucking like, uh The meaner the snake is the more it has those mean eyes And they've really used that oh then a lot of automotive design like with fast cars and shit They try to have like those fucking venomous snake or bird of prey eyes

It's really weird You know And then you look at shit that gets eaten, right? Look at deer's their big brown eyes Like hey, man. I'm just trying to chill over here, man um But anyway, uh, so it's this fucking bird Sticks its skinny

goddamn head through the bars take some of the fucking eagles food the eagles look at the thing like I'd like to see you try that again And the big fucking dope does it again and the bird the fucking eagle just grabs him by his face Just grabbed him by his beak and held on to it and the fucking the the skinny birds like all right. All right. All right And he fucking let him go and that was the end of that But it just struck me as funny where That fucking skinny ass bird is like you would never fuck

With an eagle Then now it's behind bars and I was trying to think if I went to jail and there was some guy in there That could beat the fuck out of me I wouldn't try to steal his his shit from the fucking cafeteria commissary. Whatever the fuck they say um I wanted him to kill him. I wanted him to pull him in by his beak and then grab him by his fucking throat I don't know. I gotta get back on the road, dude. I'm I'm literally I it's so fucking funny because I quit porn I don't watch porn anymore. I haven't watched it in like fucking three months

But and then something has to fill the void. So now I'm just watching animals kill each other I mean, I don't know Good thing I quit watching porn. I think I was on my way to snuff films. Oh Jesus bill All right, let's do some reads here for the week. What do we got here? What do we got here, dude? Uh, I don't know how to say this napoey on napoey on not napoleon napoey on n a p o e o n um November alpha papa oscar echo oscar november napoey in

Hey, billy big bullocks, uh, thought I'd share a couple of napoleon facts. Oh, this is a this is a uh I thought this was an advertising read So it's supposed to say napoleon it just says napoey on Um, all right, that isn't on him. I think I I rushed the great andrew thymolus this week because I was recording so early I cut him off guard. So he sent me these things over. Okay, napoleon. Hey billy big bullocks, uh, billy freckled bullocks correction Thought I'd share a couple of napoleon facts a little smiley face one Did you know that napoleon was the average height for a european those days? No, I didn't that's fucking great to know

So he wasn't really short. So it had nothing to do with any of that So evidently everybody else got taller then over the years thought that he was a shorter guy Seven wars were declared a napoleon not so much a war monger Yeah, but you got to think if seven people declare war on you at some point. It's like what am I doing? right Anyway, a large chunk of current slash existing european laws were created during napoleon's administration For it was It was east

It really was east india company versus napoleon the company had a standing army of 200 000 twice of the british army This is all vague shit to it. I don't know what any of this is also It was in boston that east india company t was dumped into the sea that sparked another conflict Well, it seems to me that you're you're french on some level or you like napoleon Or you're a contrarian because everybody said this little shit started a lot of stuff. Let me see napoleon Was average height he was five six

Yeah, but george washington was six two Louis the 16th was six four and adolf hitler was five nine george washington was six two get the fuck out of here He was like a power forward back then Six two six three with the powdered wig and he fledged fans out there Uh people who ask all right, uh, was napoleon actually short Um, in fact, he was probably of average height according to pre metric system french measures He was a diminutive five two, but the french inch pounce of the time was 2.7 Uh

Center meters while the imperial inch was 2.54 Oh, so he was actually taller napoleon's height revealed But if napoleon was of average height the easy psychology doesn't work for him Yeah, exactly. They made it nice and simple He was this short fucker, right? Who came up with that man? That's like that's like some x-girlfriend shit, you know, he's short. He's got a little dick That's why he's a fucking cunt, you know those basic

You know Here to here to here, you know This then this equals that Um, that's actually very interesting. I don't know anything about the east india company What is the east india company? Let's look that up east india Uh company East india company also known as the honorable east in the HEIC

Um What did they do It was formed Does it still exist? Yes, it does found it in 1600. Oh defunct 1874 my fault. I read that run Wow, what a run, huh? 274 years Crushing it what ended it Is that when the british took over their fucking Country is that what happened?

English education act Out jesus I don't know I don't know england's like the the original andy cohen's of the world, you know You know that guy gets all those real housewives all stirred up It's like england did that before andy cohen except they did it with countries and races of people All andy cohen's doing is just getting a couple of fucking housewives, you know, he gets their blood up a little bit That's my favorite fucking thing to watch when he now

Karen when I can't say Karen anymore because that actually means something now susan when Uh When lacy called you a cunt in episode two You seem to really not like that like you can call me a bitch you can call me a whore I don't care. I heard all those words growing up But when you come to me a cunt and he just sits there going go ahead go ahead take up more time beautiful beautiful Let's get it go. I mean, can you imagine? I mean I think andy cohen could bring boxing back the way that guy knows how to fucking

You know stir shit up out there. I'm telling you the man has skills. I'm a fan. All right. Um Plowing ahead. Well, I have to look that up. I love the fact I'm gonna just start saying that even though I don't even know if it's a fact He has a napoleon complex actually napoleon they've now found out was average height So you need a new reference just to fucking piss somebody off I mean, that's really That's Probably 80% of my joy in the world. I can't say that because I got kids now, but you know what I mean

The me outside of my family 80% of my joy Comes from moments like that just being a fucking douche. I I don't know why all right cancelling landlords Dear bill my girlfriend recently got active in politics Occasionally she says stuff that makes no sense because it's second hand information from memes Well, yeah, if that's what you're using for your fountain of information But who am I to judge I just google shit and I read the first article like most people Once I had to explain to her how congress worked

Because she insisted bills don't go to capitol hill Oh boy, I even sang her the song she admitted to being wrong Well, that's a big thing for an adult to do and we agreed that for argument's sake We parentheses she won't quote shitty internet facts Oh, man, this this this relationship somebody's gonna have to give here Either you're gonna have to give into her tin foil fucking hat Reactionary fucking like I said Google it read the first article research done

Or she's gonna have to come your way Um, and it's gonna be torture for both of you um All right cut to this week. She's saying that we need to cancel landlords I had to try and gather myself to explain to her that her father was a landlord He has a business and owns the building but rents out office space On the other side

She said quote that's different Oh boy, she started spouting off all these bullshit facts that I traced back to a teen vogue article Oh, wow, dude. You are a cunt So you write this shit down and then look it up and oh I God bless you, sir You have both of your balls firmly Within your grasp in this relationship that you're gonna fucking take her to the you're gonna take it down to the mat like this All right, I'm 26 and she's 24. I just don't understand how you can rationalize that renting

Out residential or commercial space is like slavery Also aren't cities with stupidly high rent prices mostly blue Um Well, let's go through them Certainly everything out here in la is Uh la is a weird city man It's it's red and blue people don't realize that because they all they do is pay attention to hollywood, but it gets Deep red pretty fucking quick

And it gets deep blue pretty fucking quick. Obviously if you're near the hollywood sign and I don't I don't even know about that It's just that anybody who is red in hollywood knows enough to keep their fucking mouth shut Anyways, we don't live together. So i'm probably gonna break up with her in a few weeks Um Yeah, you're definitely going to i'm gonna send her a meme about canceling girlfriends Because for me that's an important cause go fuck yourself love you bill You know what I loved about this guy is he had a problem

He faced it. He realized there was no solution and now he's going to address it This man is going to be successful in life. This is what it is He saw a problem. He tried to bring the horse to water the horse would not drink A sent it to the glue factory and he's moving on. That's how you do it. He didn't adopt it. He he fucking put it down I love it. I love that whole story provided, you know, that was just your side of the story Uh, yeah, why would you cancel landlords? You know what I mean You guys are reminding me the people that wanted to legalize weed remember that legalize weed, man

It's a source for paper. You can make jackets and you can make solar panels out of it, man Now it's legal. What are they doing? They're just trying to figure out ways to get you more fucked up Here's a way to be high But you can actually hold a baby with this strand this strand right here. You're just gonna stare at the wall for fucking three days It's like where's the paper? Huh Where are my green hemp fucking crocs? They know where to be found people just want to get fucked up and not at none, you know get high and not have anybody give them any

Shit, which I don't have a problem with I really don't have a fucking problem with that. So You know what is amazing to me is people that take those fucking trips the the the hallucinating ones and That's just that's the thing that just blows my fucking mind People take that and it's just like and when you come back It's looks like you're gonna realize that this reality is just this reality that you fucking You know, it's that we've just agreed upon but you're gonna be looking at the world in a whole new fucking way It's like dude. I can't even fucking I can't even handle reality

Like I've always been like fascinated with psychedelics, but also fucking Terrified just the whole thing like you need to take this but you got to make sure you're in a safe place um I recently had a buddy of mine. I this is his story and he's a comedian. So I can't tell it, but he had such a fucking hilarious Reaction To this thing that was speaking to him While he was high or tripping And I tried to criticize him and his but his reaction was like well, who the fuck are you?

You know, which is just such the classic stand-up comedian Like mindset like what? This guy's great. Why? Not saying we're right, but that's just where the why the fuck am I listening to this guy? All right a woman my height All right, is this a woman? Colon my height or a woman my height All right, dear mr. Burr saw you at the bondscott gig at the start of the pandemic That's the last gig I did that's the last time I did stand up

uh And really understood how a world-class comic Does it thanks for the laughs. Yeah, I had I had fun. Thank god. I had a good set Anyway, he goes i'm a six three two hundred thirty five pound man. Oh, there you go playoff Stanley cup size right there That man will keep things settled down on the ice there I and have dated or hooked up with women with heights ranging from five three to five nine I've also hooked up with one woman With two one or two women who were five eleven. I've recently met an incredible seeming

Incredible seeming woman on a dating app. We've spoken over the phone Uh message a lot and are getting along wonderfully. Okay, where could this go wrong? We're being hesitant on hanging out because of the pandemic But might do a sort of social distance date If we both test negative, you know, my my wife My smoking hot wife was actually saying the other day. She said is the covid test the new AIDS test Because back in the day when we were coming out that was a big thing. Have you been tested? Um, all right judging by her photos and her social media accounts. She's plenty beautiful

The only thing is she's six two I'm open to trying something different And even excited by the idea. Yeah, what the fuck would want a giant woman? That'd be fucking great. I wouldn't have a problem with that Um, but I'm worried that I might do or say something that is rude to her unique life experience I'm also a bit nervous Because all of my cool guy moves and swagger have been in some way shaped by the fact That I typically tower over girls sir. This is great

This is a great thing. She's gonna get you outside your comfort zone before all you women start fucking chirping Like you don't have a type either. Okay, like you don't have your little safety fucking zone um I think it'd be funny if she's not wearing heels. You could call her shorty But just something she probably never had she's gonna be so psyched that you're six three You know what I mean that she finally is going to be uh You know I don't know. She guys are roughly the same

But can you imagine her back in the day dating like a guy five four six and she wants to be held and feel safe You know what I mean, and he's hanging on to her like a fucking one of those creepy toddlers that breast feeds too long Oh By the way, I gotta look that up. I don't give a fuck at this point Um, that's gonna be my excuse when the feds come in We'd like to talk to you about your search and do a podcast with no guests the fuck am I supposed to do here? at what age is it

Creepy to still breast feed Oh, man, they got to do this on uh, steve harvey show there the family feud The male clinic website states that children are weaned off on an average between ages two and four What the fuck You listen nobody remembers that what happens to them when they're three you can't remember you do not need to remember Hang it on your mom's boob. You don't want to do that and in some culture extended breastfeeding continues For a couple of years past that while the American Academy of Family Physicians recommends breastfeeding past infancy and gradually weaning off at no precise age

All right, here's a great article breastfeeding a three and a half year old isn't creepy. It's hilarious Uh, I was on the couch feeding my newborn Second child when her oldest simply snuggled up close and asked mama. Can I have some too? She's almost forced Uh, I don't want to read this Uh Oh my god gross I'm just reading the dialogue

She can't say milk. She could only say Mao could I have some Mao when she goes Mao is for babies The kid said please just a teeny sip. She said no Hey, no means no you little shit get away from my tits She burst into tears dismayed. We were back here again after a long arduous weaning process She didn't self wean as I expected in around a year Uh 15 months 18 months or two I thought Of my own mother's claim that I self weaned at eight months in our conversations surrounding my extended breastfeeding Going to let her breastfeed till she goes to car college. She chided

I said her frozen baggies Of milk or in a care pack. I don't want to read this. I don't want to read this. You know what? I don't feel comfortable reading this I am I don't feel comfortable reading this I don't want to read this. You know what? I don't feel comfortable reading this I am I apologize for looking that up and putting that shit in your fucking. Oh my god All right, anyways, yeah, she's gonna get you outside your comfort zone Uh, all right, this is a strange new world for me to be frank Um

I did some research on my particular situation to no avail I did however read that sex and basically everyday interactions are better with the partner close Closer to one's height any thoughts opinions insights or advice would be great. Yeah, you know what I say buddy dive in Dive in and have fun. She seems wonderful. You know The fact that you guys you know Meeting someone during a pandemic you actually have to take the time to kind of get to know them a little bit, right? So, you know rush into anything um

And you don't hang around for the convenience of someone to so you're not lonely or the sex or whatever So I think this is a good thing. I think you should definitely do it and um You know, let me fucking hilarious though If she I don't want to get involved in it because you might fall in love with this girl But there's certain positions that you'll then have to fucking figure out because she's You know, not super short You know much shorter than you, you know what I mean? Maybe you'll have to stand on something if she's in a certain position

Wearing high heels Fucking like six seven You know, it's great though. It's no one's gonna fuck with your kids. All right. Best wishes to you and your growing family Go fuck yourself. All right. Good luck, sir All right boyfriend hates my armpit hair Well, yeah All right. Hi bill Look, would you like it if he started to have tits? I mean, that's just how it is in the west

You're not supposed to have on that now having armpit hair was something that is just it's it's not mainstream You're going a little punk rock here I remember when they did the german version of 99 love balloons and when she put her hands Whamper don't bamper do and she put her fucking arms up. We all went All right. Hi bill. Love your podcast my boyfriend and I listen to it together and I'm sure he'll be thrilled if this makes it on Uh, despite the topic he doesn't like that. I don't shave my armpit hair constant and constantly comments on it to clear a couple things up

I'm not doing it because I identify as a hippie or I'm taking a counterculture stance. I just never like shaving in general I'll see like a bum at least if you were fucking attached to some my ideology. I would get it How come guys don't have to do it, but we have to I get that You just some how would you like if you just sat around fucking all unshaven looking like fucking bluto on on poppy Listen, this is what I think. All right I think if like You know the person you're banging is turned off by something you should make a fucking effort All right, obviously if they go your tits too small, you know, you can tell them to go fuck themselves. Okay, you need a nose job

Tell them to go fuck themselves. But like, you know, if if I was doing something or you know Whatever the fuck I was doing the person I was with saying hey, that kind of turns me off. I'd be like I got it. I got it Shaving my armpit hair, whatever the fuck I got to do Anyway, he says it's weird and he notices it often when I wear a sleeveless shirt and we're around people. Yeah Yeah, you're wearing a sleeveless shirt. You're being a douche, you know, he doesn't like it and then you flaunt it You're fucking a man. Yeah, you're like fucking making him look like a jerk I don't see why it matters. Most guys have hair there. Why can't I you passive aggressive little so and so There's your ideology right there. Just come out and say it

I have good hygiene. I don't smell Well, listen, first of all, you're you're applying you're saying all of this All right, good hygiene and you don't smell that's not you don't make that decision the people around you tell you that How the fuck would you know if you don't smell you're in the eye of the fucking hurricane? Anyways, and it doesn't affect anyone other than their supposedly emotional Recreations a reaction. Sorry Doesn't affect anyone other than their supposedly emotional reactions to body here to me It seems to bother him because it goes against what he saw growing up since most women in the us chose to shave

Listen, you are 100 Doing the feminist thing here. Most guys have hair there. Why can't I? And you're just reacting this way because western society has told you this So don't say that you're not you're you're you're doing this for feminist fucking reasons. I'm not saying you're a hardcore feminist I'm not saying you're a douche. I'm not saying you're wrong, but you are doing this for a fucking reason Um My question is is why do most men find this to be weird or even repulsive? Thanks for reading if you read it. That's it. Go fuck yourself. I would say the same reason why most women find man tits

repulsive It's like, why can't I have tits you have tits? There's just certain things that are um You know, this is this is what I'll try to do this as nicely as possible the error in progressive thought is they They had this thing is like, what is normal? There is no normal. It's like, yeah, there is there is a normal

And all of these super progressive people also have a normal Or else you would walk around and you would never be uncomfortable If I walk down this my driveway and I see a fucking bear in my driveway That's not normal, but I could argue it is normal. I'm outside bears live outside I'm not used to seeing a bear In my fucking driveway Now if I get uncomfortable does that mean I fucking hate bears? Sweetheart you got a fucking goddamn den of bears under your fucking armpits. See you're freaking them out

Listen, it's it's all how you grew up. Okay, if you grew up and women had hair into their arms No, it wouldn't bug you but But we didn't so it becomes weird There's societies in the like those like things where guys walk down the street holding their hands We don't do that here. I could never do that to my with my another one of my guy friends I I didn't know what the I didn't know what would happen to our friendship. We could never talk to each other again All right, but here's the deal As much as you're probably judging me now if it was reversed

And it was another country of doing it progressive people be like, well, you have to respect their culture Um So here's the thing you can have hair under your fucking arms You have every right to have hair under your arms and he has every right to be fucking grossed out by it And I think he's being a great fucking guy tolerating it Yes tolerating it. He's putting up with this thing and that's what you do in a relationship You tolerate If you really like somebody as you put up with their bullshit and your bullshit

Is you know, you got fucking you got kevin mcale's fucking arm hit armpit hair Um I don't there's nothing wrong for a guy to be repulsed by arm by armpit hair Any more than if a woman is repulsed by something that a guy does you can't help how you're fucking wired And this whole fucking thing, you know, they've been doing this thing. We're like, well, what is beauty? What is it? What is you know, it's like I Madison avenue Has been the the people telling us what beauty is shut the fuck up

You know, you know what a good-looking person looks like and you know what a fucking fucked up looking person looks like Okay Because that whole fucking shit that that feminists argue about beauty notice. They don't really argue it for men They only argue it for women. Okay, they want to eat cookies and fucking be on billboards. That's what they want to do They they they want they want to they want to be just in the fucking express lane their whole life and fucking not have to do anything um And then meanwhile we have to continue to do all of our shit, you know what I mean I mean, did you ever see like, uh, I don't know

Is there any sort of male movement out there to be like going like what is with all of these fucking things on tv? About you know, what's wrong with an older man not being able to get his dick hard anymore I mean everything on there is you got to have abs Your dick's got to be fucking saluting the flag and you got to have a fucking lion's mane of hair every fucking thing in On there has it who gives a shit? It is what it is. So here's the deal Your boyfriend hates your armpit hair um

You know, I gotta be honest with you if if if my wife had a problem with something that I could correct physically Without any sort of major surgery. I would do it for I wouldn't have a fucking problem with it. I mean I don't think it's that big of a fucking deal. I don't even think you have to be a jerk about it I don't think you even have to shave your fucking armpits. You don't have to be but two things you need to do You need to own up to the fact that you're doing it for a fucking reason Um, if you're honest with him that then he could have an honest conversation with you because you're trying to act like I'm just you know

I'm not being like a hippie or a counterculture person. You you you are Which is totally fine. Um I'll be honest with you. I it's I will say this it's not as gross to me as it used to be It's a little more Uh mainstream I would say but like, uh, I'll I'll tell you something that I never fucking the completely shaved fucking beaver It's just like I'm trying to be a little woman here Fucking

That that that That that that that that that is always fucking creep me out Just creeps me out. All right, um Fucking creeps me out. So I I You know, I don't know and I did I ever say I don't think I ever said anything Uh, I I pass very aggressive. What do you think it'd be like? Yeah, it's pretty intense So like yeah, I mean, I you know I like being in the crowd. I don't need to be that far backstage

All right underrated small town stories Uh, hey billy crimson crotch. I like that one roll tide Uh, have you seen the new documentary movie tread yet on netflix? It's awesome. It's about an old school welder Um that lives in a small town in colorado called, uh Granby in the 1990s and early 2000 He opened a welding shop in town and pretty much welded everything for everybody Anyway, this I I'm definitely gonna watch this because I'm fascinated with welding He caught up in he got caught up in some drama with the old boys club

Of small town politics and his neighbor in town board turned against him stating and Started fucking with his shop and way of life. I don't know you're gonna ruin it here. I'm not gonna read anything else I'm gonna read this shit Tread t-r-e-a-d on netflix. I believe I will be watching that tonight I mean, how do you not watch a documentary on welding? How do you not well easily you get involved in all these playoffs? Well, guess what I have time for I have time right now to watch the end

Of the st. Louis blues, uh game and then I'm gonna watch the fucking, um I'm gonna watch the Uh, whatever the Toronto Maple Leafs I have to root for them, but I also love the columbus blue jackets. I I really like both of those teams, but you know Toronto has been waiting forever. So, uh I don't know. We shall see what happens. Anyways, anyway, that is the uh the podcast everybody You and your armpit hair or your lack of armpit hair Have a great fucking time. What a fucking I I I hate passive aggressive shit. Okay

What I'm not doing it because of this and then you say why you're doing it and then you're wearing tank tops off in front of his friends Okay, I you know what you're doing You're putting your statement out there and then you're trying to get well, what if I didn't what if I don't shave my armpits Which you have a problem with that you just start and shit. You know what you're doing. All right, you just not as good at it As you think you are um having said that, um You know, I would not kick any woman out of bed That at our pit here. I would not do that

If they were fucking nice enough to want to fuck me there. I said it. Okay. There you go God bless everybody. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on thursday