Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-12

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Starting point is 00:00:30 This is the Global Warming Podcast from Monday, August 13th, 2012. How the hell are you? How's it going? August 13th, can you believe it? Only three more weeks of the summer, right? But thanks to Global Warming, you can still get a tan right through the second week of October. You know? Enjoy it, folks. This is the golden age of Global Warming.

Starting point is 00:00:56 You know, this is before a polar bear swims up to your fucking apartment. You know? All those fires in the middle of the country. Who cares? Those are flyover states, right? That's just our food supply. I always thought it was funny the way people make fun of those states. You know, because they don't have, what, a water slide and a giant fucking skyscraper. All of a sudden, they don't count.

Starting point is 00:01:24 Yeah, all they're doing is fucking, you know, providing nourishment for everyone in the state. I'm sorry, everyone in the nation. All they're doing is growing enough food to feed the world, but we don't, right? And I think that's a good thing. I think a good thing that we don't feed the world. There's too many fucking people, and that's why the polarized caps are melting. It has nothing to do with V8 engines. Okay, there's too many goddamn people.

Starting point is 00:01:53 So what I'm going to do, eventually, in 25 years, when I get famous enough, is I'm going to put together my own collection of musicians, and we're going to do We Aren't the World. All right? We aren't the world. You're not a responsibility. I'm sorry, you don't have an apple tree, so go fuck yourself. There's too many people taking shits every day, and it's fucking up the world for me and you.

Starting point is 00:02:35 All right? We got more shit. That's how it worked out. All right, you get the idea, you know? I wonder who that would actually return that fucking phone call. That fucking maniac from who's in that movie Heat, I bet he would. The guy who's doing porn now. Oh, yeah! God!

Starting point is 00:02:55 Remember that guy? Just once, I want to have an orgasm like that and be fucking going, Oh, Jesus! Like he was. Like somebody kicked you in the nuts. Anyways, you wouldn't believe this right now, the way this is going in, where I'm saying, don't save the world. Okay?

Starting point is 00:03:15 Come go. That's how I would run for office. Excuse me, non-Senator Burr, I was wondering what you thought about the problems in Croatia, Rwanda, Dand. Yeah, I don't really know, I don't give a shit. I mean, I think it's terrible, but you know, the more people die, the more fresh air for us. That's how we look at it. You know, as long as it isn't anybody with our flag on their shoulder, I think that that would be okay. That's appalling.

Starting point is 00:03:48 That's a realistic outlook, lady. Okay? You want to be on the ship that's sailing towards surviving? I suggest you change your attitude. Next question, you over there with the striped tie. No, the other guy with the striped tie. And the receding hair, yes, you. I'm not answering that, go fuck yourselves.

Starting point is 00:04:06 It's a figure of speech. Jesus Christ. I actually have a giant announcement. Giant, a big for me. Okay. I have a big announcement for me. All right. I'm pregnant.

Starting point is 00:04:24 I just found out and I'm really excited for myself. No, I, I, I have been telling you guys that I recorded a stand up special in the wonderful district of Columbia back in March. And ever since then, you guys have been asking me, hey, Bill, when is that special coming out? Well, on this week's podcast, I will be announcing when my special comes out, but not right now. For some stupid reason, I'm going to wait until the end, just like one of those dumb shows on TV. You know, where all you need is one piece of fucking information. They just try to drag it out so they can get in eight minutes of advertising and somebody can have a yacht. Right?

Starting point is 00:05:07 Now I'm fucking with you. I'm going to do it right out of the gate. Yeah, why do it? Because I'm not playing the game, man. Um, okay. My new special is entitled you people are all the same and it will premiere exclusively on Netflix. It's the only place you're going to be able to see it is Netflix. Why do you ask?

Starting point is 00:05:30 Because I love those guys. They show my entire special. It's unedited. It captures the exact level of ignorance that I wanted to put out there. I love those guys. So it's going to be premiering exclusively on Netflix this Thursday, August 16th at 6 a.m. Pacific time. So for all you grumpy people out there, that's 9 a.m. Pacific time. All right, it'll be available to all Netflix members in the United States, Canada, Ireland,

Starting point is 00:06:03 and the United Kingdom. Well, isn't Ireland part of the UK? Hey, Nia, isn't Ireland part of the UK or at least Northern Ireland is right? I just lost everyone in fucking, Nia's making a face. We went over there. We learned this. We went on the double decker bus tour and they told us what the lady and the king owned. Right?

Starting point is 00:06:28 Remember that? It's the United Kingdom, as far as my understanding is England, Wales, Scotland, and in Northern Ireland. That's what it is. It's Northern Ireland. My apologies to everybody keeping it real in Southern Ireland as opposed to all those sellouts in Northern Ireland who were just fine with that bigger douche telling you what to do. Is that what you're telling me? How many beer glasses am I going to get thrown at my fucking head if I ever go back?

Starting point is 00:06:58 I'm going to bell fast. Anyways, I'm just fucking with you guys over there. All right. Hang on a second. What'd you say? Eastern. And I'm talking about the United States. Oh, nine a.m. Eastern.

Starting point is 00:07:16 Did I say Pacific twice? I'm sorry. Well, either way, I was just talking about the United States with those times. You know why? Because we aren't the world. So I'm really excited that it's also going to be in Canada, Ireland, and the UK, because I go to those places. And when I go to those places, only three people show up. So maybe this will be able to, as the dollar collapses, I'll be able to go to places where there's other currency.

Starting point is 00:07:45 And I'll get to start this journey all over again, Nia. Remember when you met me and I was still on a futon? That's actually true. It is true. Okay. So my new special, you people are all the same. It's going to premiere exclusively on Netflix this Thursday, August 16th, 6 a.m. Pacific, 9 a.m. Eastern. And what's the difference?

Starting point is 00:08:08 What's the difference between here and was it five hours to England? You guys figure it out with your fucking metric system. You know, what is somebody actually summed up soccer for me? Finally, how the hell did he describe it? Oh, we're saying why Americans don't like soccer. This guy said to me, he goes, we already have this game over here. We call it hockey, you know, except it's way faster. It's hitting.

Starting point is 00:08:41 He's fighting. It's phenomenal. And it's funny that he said that because whenever I watch soccer, the stuff that appeals to me is that it is like hockey with the offsides and that type of shit. But I don't get it why the defenseman just gets to stop and then all of a sudden I'm off sides. You know, keep running your douche. You know what I'm trying to do? Like that's that's your defense.

Starting point is 00:09:05 You don't even have to knock me on my ass. You just stop. It's just a terrible game. You know, we have arms people use them. Would you watch a sport if all you used was your arms and you didn't use your legs and everyone was just standing there or maybe sitting on the ground or maybe just in one of those craftmatic beds, like just throwing balls to one another. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:09:30 Did I just describe murder ball? No, I didn't. They roll around in their chairs. All right. This is the Monday morning podcast for August start teeth. I got one more day on my project here. I'm doing here. I let the cat out of the bag knee and I told them that I was going to be I'm working on

Starting point is 00:09:49 the pilot for the reboot of that kid show. Zoom. Remember that show? Yeah. Do you remember that show used to go? I don't know. I don't remember. Did you try that song again?

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Starting point is 00:28:57 Zoom. Zoom. Tun Son. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom.

Starting point is 00:29:05 Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom me.

Starting point is 00:29:13 Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Broadcast, and in just a little while ago on Celestia,

Starting point is 00:29:26 there was this fucking outro music wheeling out of the church when the Saints go marching in. It was this person's favorite song, and it was the shit, and I really got inspired. I was sitting there going, what the hell? It seems like old people's like their music is appropriate. It's such great music that it's appropriate for any situation. And I'm really trying to think of the music that I listen to. All that heavy metal and fucking Zeppelin and ACDC.

Starting point is 00:30:00 I mean, I can't have any ACDC playing as I'm wheeled out. Half of that's about the devil and going to hell. I don't want to put that out there. Didn't have those three things from Ghost come up. Remember that shit and drag me down. But I'm telling you, underrated. So I want to know from you guys. All right.

Starting point is 00:30:19 When you kick the bucket, tell me about how you're going to do your funeral. How would you like it to be done? And outro music and all that type of shit. What are you going to do? You're going to go in the box. You're going to get cremated. This is fucked up, huh? You got to make these decisions.

Starting point is 00:30:38 You even need to make a will. Go to LegalZoom.com. Bam. There you go. In and out. Right there. All right. What else happened this week in the world of sports?

Starting point is 00:30:48 Dwight Howard went to the Lakers, an absolute shocker. That yet another guy who couldn't win a championship somewhere else is now going to go pile on with the Lakers. It's ridiculous. They have literally become the New York Yankees of the NBA. Every fucking year they do this. And I want Kobe Bryant to start getting some shit for this. If you're going to give fucking LeBron James shit for leaving Cleveland and piling on in

Starting point is 00:31:19 Miami, then goddamnit, Kobe has had people fucking coming to him for his entire goddamn career. 15 fucking years in a row. And they got the nerve to sit there and compare this guy to Jordan. Look at the fucking teams this guy has been on. And go back and look at those Chicago Bulls teams. And I want you to start telling me, Dennis Rodman is the only fucking free agent that I can really remember that they signed, all right?

Starting point is 00:31:47 And he was, there was one fucking guy. Kobe gets two, three guys every year. Oh, it's ridiculous. It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm telling you, as a crabby old man, these are not your father's championships. These are not championship teams. There's no difference between these championship teams. And that rich kid whose first car is like a fucking goddamn Maserati because his dad

Starting point is 00:32:16 is rich, all right? You know what's so fucked up about these teams? And I include the 2008 Celtics in this. That was a, that was a bought and paid for championship. I know they put the work in. I know all of that, but it's not the fucking same. This is the funny thing about these pile on teams is I remember as a kid, when you'd be out outside at recess and they'd start picking teams, if they got too lopsided kids

Starting point is 00:32:43 to be, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute. That's not fair. They would, people flip out and they'd break up the teams and you'd balance it out. When I was from there, it was called smuck teams. I don't even know where that came from, but these are smuck teams. These teams are smuck, which meant it was bullshit. You had Shaq and Kobe and all these fucking guys on one team was going to be a goddamn bloodbath.

Starting point is 00:33:04 All right. And even as like second and third graders, we understood how fucking pointless it was to then go out and play the game. If you had all the most talented people on one fucking team, right? So we broke it up and we would, we would have it evened out and we'd have a great game during fucking recess. Now, if we can understand that, why can't full grown adults understand that in these leagues and professional leagues?

Starting point is 00:33:30 Why can't they understand that? All right. But if that's the way it is, I accept it. I accept these pile on championships, but I want them to be called that. All right. The same way they had the dead ball and then the live ball era. These fucking Laker championships, Celtic championships, Miami championships, these are not the same as the ones in the eighties right through the fucking Chicago Bulls.

Starting point is 00:33:54 I would even say the Spurs, you know, the, the David Robinson, uh, Tim Duncan ones. Like I don't want to hear it. So fucking be talking about, don't bring up Larry and magic and all these other guys with the guys of today. It's different. Okay. Cause just imagine back in the day, if bird magic just piled on and got on the same fucking team, like why is that enjoyable?

Starting point is 00:34:23 I gotta be honest with you, that first dream team, I didn't even watch it. I didn't want to watch fucking Larry bird, magic Johnson, a team, Elijah one, Charles Barkley, go play Rwanda. You know what I mean? What am I going to do next? What? And then what? Watch me go play a game of wiffle ball with some fucking second graders.

Starting point is 00:34:45 Like I don't understand where, what is the thrill in that? And if you're in one of those cities and you're getting all these guys and you're fucking psyched and you don't give a shit, um, that's cause you don't understand, you don't even understand sports and you're the same kind of person that I bet, I bet cannot be swayed in an argument, even if somebody makes a good fucking point, cause all you want to do is be right. You just want to win like that fucks news kind of, uh, like debating style where it's all good.

Starting point is 00:35:20 If you agree with me and if you don't agree with me, I'm just going to yell at you and cut out your mic and that's going to be the fucking debate. Um, it sucks. Okay. So now I'm down to two sports now, football and hockey because you can't do that and either one of those sports cause they have a hard cap. I know people say in baseball, they have a hard cap. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:40 Well, they have a loophole that you can drive a $200 million team through called the luxury tax. You can just basically pay it off and you can go out and buy everybody on the fucking planet. Now I don't know, I got to find some different sports to take place of hoop and fucking baseball cause I'm done with both of those sports until they, they, they just fucking, you know how it's, it's fucking stupid. You know what it is about those teams?

Starting point is 00:36:08 Why I don't respect them because it takes more money than brain cells to put those fucking teams together. Back in the day, you needed brain cells. You had to like break down people, you had to try to see stuff before other people saw it. Now you just go, Hey, we need a center. Who's the best guy available? What's he being offered?

Starting point is 00:36:26 Offer him 10 million more. Next problem. I could fucking do that by the bottomless pit of cash. That's fucking, it's depressing. It's depressing. So I don't know, but I still don't think the Lakers have a coach. I know God damn well, Kobe Bryant doesn't fucking respect them. You know, when you're doing great in the game and the coach goes to high five you when

Starting point is 00:36:47 you completely ignore him, I would say that that's a complete lack of respect. What do you think? Am I crazy to think that am I crazy do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. All right. E voice. Everybody. Here we go. Is another way to start up.

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Starting point is 00:37:27 Basically what, what E voice is, is you have these, what are they called viral viral, uh, phone numbers. You can basically with your cell phone get, you know, like three, four other phone numbers and it just will ring to your own damn phone. No one has to know what your real phone number is. It's a great way to be at work and actually have a private business going on. So you can just, you know, rather than having to save up your trinkets at your cubicle job, you know, and have to start from square one to start your new business, you can be, you

Starting point is 00:37:57 can actually be sitting in your cubicle, taking business calls for your own business without those bosses knowing about it. It's phenomenal. Um, anyways, the file is then saved as an MP, uh, on a WAVE file and you can store it on your computer to refer back to later at a later date if need be, um, all right, call recording from E voice is perfect for doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, hiring managers or any professional discussing contracts. It's even great if you just don't have a pen handy or you're in the car driving and

Starting point is 00:38:33 can't write something down. Other E voice features include call forwarding, music on hold, voicemail to text toll three numbers and 1-800 numbers for a free six months trial, go to www.evoice.com slash bill burr or go to the banner on my podcast page at bill burr.com, um, yeah, it's phenomenal. You can have conference calls with up to 90 people. It's just a great, and they actually have like professional, uh, voice actors that will, you know, give you some little, uh, fancy outgoing message, you know, so it actually sounds like you have an office when you don't.

Starting point is 00:39:12 It's phenomenal. E voice. Everybody go check it out. All right. Back to the podcast. Um, all right, what do we got here? Let's get it. Let's get on with the lemmage here.

Starting point is 00:39:23 The lemmage. Okay. Hey Bill, would you rather have as many gold medals as Michael Phelps or as many Super Bowl rings as Joe Montana? Uh, well, do I get to be Joe Montana? See, and that, and that's that, that little dilemma. I don't know if I'm Joe Montana. If I'm going to have as many rings as Joe Montana, I want to be Joe Montana or Jerry

Starting point is 00:39:45 Rice. I want to be somebody that they remember. I don't want to be the fucking left tackle, you know, for protecting the blind side or whatever the fuck's going on there. Right. I don't want to be that guy. I want to be somebody that somebody remembers Ronnie lot or be Michael Phelps. Um, that's a good one because you know what sucks about being Michael Phelps is like,

Starting point is 00:40:10 he's kind of done it 24, you know, he's going to come back at 28 and not quite be as fast. Those sports where you just finished at 24, like tennis, um, I don't know, Michael Phelps, football's such a man's sport, but you can't walk when you're 40. Although I saw Joe Montana in a, in a, in a restaurant and he still looked great. Uh, fuck that. I'd rather went Super Bowls. I'd rather went Super Bowls. There you go.

Starting point is 00:40:44 All right. There is billion. I am friends with a lot of people who have a lot of delusional hobbies throughout the last couple of years. I've had to attend their shitty band shows, the shows for their shitty bands to make that a little more clearer or go to their plays. I've even been asked to donate money for the cost of making a CD and solicited to donate to a buddy short film so he could make it.

Starting point is 00:41:10 Well, it sounds like you have a lot of motivated friends here. What are you? Are you the hater? Maybe he's right. Let's, let's read the rest of this before I judge him. I repeat a short film. Well, I made a short film with the Teen Idol sensation, Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly, who's on a new fucking TV show called the Bronx crew or something like that on FX.

Starting point is 00:41:38 Like no joke. He's like the lead, um, in a goddamn TV show, Bobby. Huh? Yeah. Great. It is to see that form. I've watched that man for 20 years on stand up doing stand up. Doing plays and all that type of shit.

Starting point is 00:41:58 And he hung in there and he kept swinging. He put his fucking head down and bang. Look at that. It's fucking phenomenal. Anyways, all of this wouldn't be so bad. Yeah. We made a short film. It got into the Tribeca Film Festival.

Starting point is 00:42:11 You know, Joe DeRosa is now on his way to having a little burgeoning, like, uh, directing career. All right. Don't knock a short film. Sorry. You have no idea where this could go. Because all of this wouldn't be so bad if all of their stupid hobby, hobbies didn't always end up costing me at least 40 bucks from donations to cover charges at the gig.

Starting point is 00:42:33 They're playing, et cetera. The most recent one is a friend's improv class showcase where I get to watch a bunch of amateurs put on a show with a two drink minimum and ticket costs. Exactly what I want to do with my free time. Now my question is, can I just start a blanket policy of not going to any more of these and not donating without coming off like a complete dick? I want to make the improv show my last event, then never support the hobbies of my untalented friends that constantly piss my money away.

Starting point is 00:43:08 To put it bluntly, my friend's events aren't exactly the same as you going to support Dane Cook and the producers. He probably had the decency to comp your ticket and any help is greatly appreciated. Well, dude, what you have to understand is that Dane didn't start off doing starring in the producers at the Hollywood Bowl. We did open mics in shitty restaurants and we had to learn how to do stand up. Look, if you're always having to go to these things, I understand that. But you know, something, I wouldn't want you to come to my show if I was starting out.

Starting point is 00:43:49 You just seem really like annoyed by the whole thing. You're going to have a negative vibe and I just would feel like I would be on stage as I'm trying to learn how to do stand up and I would look out at you and you would have like your eyebrows up like, you know, like, are you done yet? Really? You thought that was funny? You know, you wouldn't even be smiling. You'd just be staring at me like, was that the last one?

Starting point is 00:44:10 Can I go now? Can I leave? Sir, it sounds to me like you need a hobby, all right? You need more of a social life and then you wouldn't have time to go to all your friends. I don't know, plays and all this stuff. I find it weird that you don't do any of this shit, you know, that you have people making short films, you know, people in bands and you know, people in improv classes. You're kind of spanning the performance rainbow there yet.

Starting point is 00:44:43 Do you perform? Do you want to perform? Why aren't you a performer if you hang out with all these performers? I don't understand what's going on with you, sir. Did you go to some high school for the gifted? And by the time you realized that you weren't gifted, it was too late. You just stayed there. So now you're going to school with all these future Fiona apples and all that type of shit.

Starting point is 00:45:04 You're going to watch them play an acoustic set at the corner of some subway franchise and you've had it. I don't know what it is, sir, but you know what, be your own goddamn man. Just say, listen, I don't fucking want to go to any of your shit anymore. All right, I don't have the money or the time. I would rather see the completed call me when you make it and give me a free ticket and then you can be the guy when they do the, uh, the early days. You'll be that guy, you know, you'll be in one of those documentaries where nobody from

Starting point is 00:45:36 the band. That's always like a major red flag when they're doing a documentary on a person, like an actor or a band or an athlete and that person, the person, the subject isn't in the documentary and neither are any of the person's immediate friends. And then they always go to a guy like this guy like, yeah, I used to fucking, uh, I used to see him go on in front of fucking two people, you'll end up being that guy. You know, well, this is the thing, sir, if any of those people make it, you better not be that douche who said, I always believed in you because you don't believe in these

Starting point is 00:46:14 people on any fucking level. So, uh, I would start, I would just fucking make sure you had other plans. That's the easiest way to go. If you want to be nice and not hurt their feelings, or you could just fucking come right out with it and just be like, listen, I've seen you improv before, um, I'm going to wait six months and maybe you'll get much better at it and it'll be entertaining for me. Okay. I'm going to go to a bar and go hit on a girl.

Starting point is 00:46:44 That's how I want to improv because I don't know what I'm going to say either. Okay. I'll throw out a subject. Me fucking that girl over there. Go fuck yourself. I'm out. How about that? All right.

Starting point is 00:46:55 Next one, Bill, should I have kids? How the fuck are you supposed to know if you should have kids or not? Neither my wife nor I have strong feelings either way. And we are getting to that age where it stops making sense. So we need to make a decision and live with it. Um, yeah, if you're not feeling it, don't do it. There's plenty of fucking kids. There's plenty of kids to go out and adopt.

Starting point is 00:47:21 You know, if you realize later that, oh, maybe I wanted a kid. Well, what age? What am I kid? Ben, if I had one, probably about eight. Yeah. Let me get an eight year old. Let me get, uh, let me get two eight year olds and a fucking seven and, uh, throw in the 11.

Starting point is 00:47:34 There we go. Then you have a fucking big Brady bunch family. There's plenty of kids out there that need to be adopted and, uh, there's too many fucking people on the planet and we're running out of natural resources. And, uh, my belief is that the population problem is going to be handled like a fucking term paper, you know, the same way we handled Y2K at the last fucking second. And when you do shit at the last fucking second, it's going to be a rash fucking quick decisions, which means there's going to be, uh, some sort of final solution going on.

Starting point is 00:48:10 I really believe that we are rapidly headed towards that. You know, if they don't, I mean, we have seven billion people on the planet and there's no politician going, Hey, you know, why don't you just fucking not have kids for a minute? Or if you're not really feeling it, or we'll give you some money not to have kids, it's fucking insane. I don't know. We're running out of chicken and fucking soup. Uh, didn't even make sense.

Starting point is 00:48:41 All right. Cheating. Hey, Bill. Um, word on the street is you're the male version of Oprah. So hear me out. You know, that's actually insulting to Oprah. All right. Um, I've got this lady I'm fooling around with now and then she has a boyfriend, but

Starting point is 00:48:59 it doesn't seem to mind hooking up with me when I ask her to, yeah, that chicks a fucking nightmare, dude. Uh, before we even go, you're not going to have a relationship with her. If she cheats on someone, she'll end up cheating on you. And every time you fuck her, you're risking one of these times that boyfriend's going to find out and he might show up with a tire iron and, uh, you know, remodel your face. Anyways, when we met, she never wants to go further than second base saying that would be cheating.

Starting point is 00:49:31 Um, last night I went to her house to pick her up for a party. Dude, there's not another woman out there that you could pick up for a party. What are you doing, dude? Do you want to be that guy? Do you want to be the guy who fucking plays with the tits of some fucking broad that has a boyfriend? Come on. Oh, there's nothing makes a guy weaker than a fucking easy pussy.

Starting point is 00:49:57 Easy pussy has brought down more goddamn men. The layup piece of ass, um, because we're lazy anyways, before we made it. And when I say we're lazy, I mean, human beings in general, all right, ladies, before you fucking pat yourself on the back and make your tits shake, um, uh, last night I went to her house to pick her up for a party. Before we made it in the, in the car, I had her up against my car. We were making out like world, the world war two ended. I then suggested suggestively opened the door to the back seat.

Starting point is 00:50:35 But instead of entering, she asked me if I loved her or if I just wanted sex. Yeah, dude, this girl's crazy. I neither confirmed nor denied either of those questions. Yeah, that's stupid. That's a great lie. That's great. All right. This is just straight across the, this is a linear story begins with deceit goes into

Starting point is 00:50:56 deceit and it's going to end with it. Um, I just went back to kissing her after she got drunk at the party. Ah, Jesus. Nah, and you're sitting there like a fucking wolf waiting for her to get hammered. We talked again and she said she was willing to dump her boyfriend and have sex with me if I just told her that I love her and want to be with her. I actually don't, but I really want to bang this chick. I was thinking about just saying I love her and then dumping her after we banged.

Starting point is 00:51:30 But I guess that would be kind of a dick move. Yeah, it would be, but I got it. We got it. Everybody's got to take responsibility for their actions. This fucking woman is setting herself up for this shit. My moral compass has no needle, needle bill. Help me out. Greetings from Belgium.

Starting point is 00:51:49 Uh, I hope you were able to read that fluently as you always do. Look at this guy fucking sarcastic in a second language. Um, yeah, listen, uh, you know, do you really want to be this guy? That's, that's, if you believe in karma, that's a really bad thing to do. All right. You being lazy. Okay. This girl's obviously damaged.

Starting point is 00:52:16 There's something wrong with her. And um, if you do what you're thinking of doing just so you can bang her, you're really going to devastate her. And is it worth devastating another human being just to get, just to fucking bang her is one for you. This is classic. All right. This is, uh, not my advice.

Starting point is 00:52:36 This is standard advice. Okay. Here's the deal. Why don't you rub one out to her and afterwards immediately think, do I really think about what you're doing and the way you're going to be getting this girl and ask yourself if you really want to do it. All right. And then act accordingly.

Starting point is 00:52:55 And if you still want to do it, um, please don't ever get a job in a corporation because you will move up that ladder in 20 seconds. Oh my God. He's a sociopath. He has no feelings. He doesn't care about people. Let's give him a corner office. Um, okay.

Starting point is 00:53:14 Ex porn star or something, ex porn is all it says, dear Bill, I'm a 22 year old lady seeking some valuable male insight and perspective. I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and everything's been incredible. Well, congratulations. I have no feeling that this is going to go in a different direction anyways. He felt like soulmates and didn't like to be a part. However, all of a sudden he became very distant towards me. I tried to ignore it, justifying it with some personal issue he was dealing with.

Starting point is 00:53:47 Little did I know those personal issues also involved me and his ex feeling a horribly familiar sense feeling a horribly familiar sense infidelity deja vu. I think you skipped a word in there. I did something awful. I could kick myself in the face for I looked through his laptop. I know it's a really despicable, despicably dick thing to do, but I needed some strand of truth even if it would break my heart. I got to tell you something.

Starting point is 00:54:23 If he was being a good guy and you did that, you know, that's a piece of shit thing to do. And the fact that he was giving you the I'm cheating on you vibe and you still felt like a piece of shit by going through his emails. You're a good person. You're being too hard on yourself. What he's supposed to be, you know, that person of good fellas who's content to be a jerk.

Starting point is 00:54:48 What am I supposed to say that my boyfriend cheats on me? See how I switched it up for you. Anyways, I read an email he wrote to his ex-girlfriend expressing his lament about being with the wrong person. Well, there you go. It's over. Game set and match. It went and went on about how amazing she was and how any other girl, me would only

Starting point is 00:55:09 ever be second best. This prompted me to look through his photos and I found some recently opened, but only nude pictures of her. This hit me really hard because unlike regular porn, nude pictures of exes hold something sentimental value. I don't appreciate or think it's is appropriate. Well, that's about as lightly as you can put it. Yeah, you should definitely not appreciate that.

Starting point is 00:55:35 He actually knows that woman and banged her. Putting myself in this conundrum, I couldn't bring this sensitive topic up without admitting I invaded his privacy, although my hunch was right. I know I was wrong in looking through his personal shit, but is it wrong of him to still masturbate to naked pictures of his ex even after he reassured me he had deleted them? How would I go about talking to him about this? Or is this situation better left undiscussed now that we are on better or closer terms? I appreciate any piece of advice or opinion greatly, so go fuck yourself.

Starting point is 00:56:16 Question mark. I can't even fucking answer this. He gave you the vibe like he was fucking around on you and he is. He is fucking around on you. And that whole thing about that your second best, go fuck yourself. Fuck that. Break up with the guy. All right.

Starting point is 00:56:46 You know what your biggest problem is, sweetheart, is you are a sweetheart. And this guy is at the very least a confused, he's a fucking dirtbag. He's not being honest with you. Okay. Now this is the thing about if you're a sweetheart in life, male or female, pieces of shit gravitate towards you. They need a sweetheart in their life to put up with their piece of shit behavior. So what you have to learn to do that if you are a sweetheart, if you are a big hearted

Starting point is 00:57:21 person, you have to be guarded, all right? And you have to make somebody earn the fact that you're a sweetheart. You just don't give it away, all right? Because when you're just giving it away and you're fucking nice, hey, how are you? I just met you. Will you help me move? Okay. That's the nice thing.

Starting point is 00:57:40 You're going to get taken advantage of. So this guy is taking advantage of you. Fuck this guy. Get up with him. Okay. If he wasn't such a fucking shifty piece of shit, you wouldn't have to done that piece of shit thing. He basically gave you grounds for a warrant to go search through his shit.

Starting point is 00:57:57 All right. And you were right. Okay. Although you didn't get a warrant. You kind of did it like the robe cop who now has to throw his badge on the desk yet still go out and solve the fucking crime like all those 80 cop buddy movies. But you were right. You deserve better.

Starting point is 00:58:12 Fuck this guy. All right. You should break up with them, even though it's going to hurt. Um, all right. So you know what? I think that that's going to be the podcast for this week a little under an hour. I know that's shorter than what you're used to, but, um, I gotta, I gotta upload this and send it to my guy to give to you guys that you're now listening to.

Starting point is 00:58:32 And by the way, I was on, did you guys check out Breaking Bad? I was on Breaking Bad last week, last night and everything. I didn't get a chance to watch it, um, but, um, it's always weird watching yourself anyways, but I love that show. So I have to, uh, I'm actually two episodes behind, but, uh, I peaked at my Twitter and I got nothing but positive things. Thank God. Thank God.

Starting point is 00:58:59 So I appreciate everybody saying that because, you know, this acting stuff is new to me. All right. So all the compliments you gave me really makes up for the fact that you break my balls about my podcast every week. So thank you to anybody who wrote something nice on Twitter that really made me feel good and, uh, and go fuck yourself to all the people who are now going to write mean shit because it's funny, which it is, but I don't care or the, the, the honest reviews already came in.

Starting point is 00:59:23 So have at it. Have a good time. Trash me. I don't give a fuck. Um, that's the podcast for this week. By the way, I'm going to be down Nantucket Wednesday night, I have a show Wednesday night, uh, down in Nantucket, there's still tickets left. It's going to be a great show where I, uh, basically perform to, uh, like fishermen in

Starting point is 00:59:47 the fucking Illuminati. It's going to be a really interesting mix of people and, uh, I'm really excited to go down there. Uh, beautiful, beautiful island off the coast of Massachusetts. And what else do I got? You guys want to hear some of my other upcoming dates before I bring this mercifully to an end? Uh, what have I got?

Starting point is 01:00:07 Oh, Jesus. Why don't you have things ready? Why don't you have things ready? Um, I'm going to be at the Orlando improv beginning on September 7th on then on the eighth and on the ninth. I've never been there before and I got Carolines on Broadway, New York city rescheduled that from the one that I moved in July. It's going to be September 20th, 21st, 22nd and 23rd.

Starting point is 01:00:31 Um, and that's it. Other than, uh, what do we got here? Oh, Jesus. Hang in there for a second. I got one other thing that I want to tell you about and that would be, oh, here it is. Here it is. The real quick Amazon.com people. If you want to support this podcast and the wounded warriors project, just go on to the

Starting point is 01:00:54 podcast page on bill bar.com, click on the banner ad, the Amazon banner ad and then go to Amazon and buy something. You don't have to do anything else. Once you get to Amazon, if you buy something, Amazon kicks me a little bit of money and I throw 10% to the wounded warrior project, um, and gamefly.com, um, anyways, uh, thanks for clicking the game fly banners for your free two, two disc, two week free trial. Over 40 people did that last month. So thank you very much for that.

Starting point is 01:01:23 And hopefully you, you enjoyed the service. You enjoyed your 8,000 games that you could try for two free weeks. If you want to be part of those people who are doing it and having a great time playing video games instead of paying attention to their significant others, um, and you want a free two week trial, you can go to gamefly.com or the banner ad on my podcast page for your free trial, free trial and enjoy all the, all the video games you can play. That's it. You guys have a great week.

Starting point is 01:01:48 Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. And I'll talk to you next week.

Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-12

Bill rambles about not saving the world, pile on teams and the release date of "You People Are All The Same."...

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