Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-11

Episode Date: August 2, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Montreal, Nice Girls vs Whores, and Motherly instinct.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years, with the metaverse, students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them. The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact. If you hear a sound in the background that sounds like a weed, that's because that's exactly what it is. Because I am recording the Monday Morning Podcast on Monday morning, 10.39 West Coast time, which for most of you, it's all the way into the afternoon. So I apologize for being a little bit tardy, but I was flying back from Canada yesterday. Oh Canada, we have homeless people too. And a bunch of drug addicts, and I saw a story about a random stabbing. I don't fucking know why Michael Moore makes that place seem so fucking nice.

I know the rest of the song go. It's from far and wide. Oh Canada, it looks like Idaho. Go fuck yourselves. You're not as happy as that fat bearded cunt says you are. The only difference between your place and fucking boysy Idaho is you know what a dasher is. Yeah, yeah, go fuck yourself. I had a great time up there. I was doing the Montréal Comedy Festival. I had an awesome time and I ate right. I worked out and for the first time ever I lost a couple of pounds while on the road. Why you ask? Because I finally figured out how to eat on the road.

Any of you guys out there? Any of you guys out there salesmen? You know, kiss the wife and family goodbye, you take off on the road, you become that other guy, start banging some skanks. Right, take the wedding ring off. You know, you push it through your right ear and you go out and blow somebody in the steam room. What the fuck? Anyway, sorry, I'm a little punch drunk. I didn't get a lot of sleep yesterday and then I Tylenol PM'd myself. You know, all drugged out in a nice deep slumber and all of a sudden my stupid dog starts waking me up. My dog absolutely fucking went from hating the crate to loving the crate and now it fucking hates it again. I can't figure it, it keeps trying to dig its way out of the thing and so I was going, hey Cleo, knock it off, knock it off.

Then I try to go back to sleep, 6.27. Cleo, hey, knock it off. Go back to sleep, 6.28. Hey, the fuck is wrong with you, right? All this shit I shouldn't be doing. I'm supposed to be remaining calm so the dog will mirror my calmness. You know, meanwhile Nia's just sleeping. She just keeps going, ugh, I'm trying to sleep, ugh. You know, like all this is one of these classic examples when now it's my fucking dog. So basically, you know, my temper, it gets all the way to the point where the 90th time she does it, I'm like, hey, fucking cut the shit, right? Which of course just makes the dog more fucking nervous and wants to do it even more. So finally Nia wakes up like, ugh, she gets up and she goes over there and she sits down next to the cage, totally chill, gets the dog to fucking lay down

and she just stayed there with it till it was totally chill and then she closed the fucking door and then the thing was fine. See, and that right there is why women should not be in the workforce. I'm fucking serious about that. We fucked up, letting them out of the kitchen and in the bedrooms. That's where they belong. Effortless. Can make a sandwich in two seconds. They just pretend they don't know how to do it now because they want to walk around in that little Nancy Reagan power suit.

Ugh, I'm fucking doing shit too. What are you doing, lady? What are you doing? What did you do? You went out and got yourself a fucking cubicle? That's what you did. You're not doing anything. You just went out and got a stupid job just like me.

Why couldn't you just been happy with what you had? You couldn't stay home and do what you were naturally good at? You were just so fucking convinced that I had it better that you had to go out there and see what a cubicle was like. Well, let me ask you, how are you enjoying it? You didn't count on the fact that most guys aren't running their own business. Most guys are not in charge of their own destiny. Most guys work for a corporation and have to pick up and move to wherever the fuck they tell them to move. What about that appeal to you, sweetie?

Huh? I just like dressing up. I just wanted to feel like I had someplace to go. That's actually guys fault. That whole women's lib movement was guys fault because they have to come home and our fucking egos just would not allow us to come home and just say, you know, I'm just a cog in the fucking wheel. I'm not running shit. The amount of times I think of killing myself during the fucking work day is off the charts.

And the only reason why I don't is because I have you and these wonderful kids to come home to. But if I didn't have you guys, that'd be it. I'd fucking stick my face in the Xerox machine till I got face cancer. That's what the fuck I would have done. Face cancer, one of the number one killers of accountants across America. So anyways, she's right there. Nia's never been a mom. Right there, she knew exactly what to do to calm the fucking dog down.

All right, you're talking a different species and she knew what to do. What do I do? I do what guys do. I start off going, hey, cut the shit. You know, which escalates to dude, I'm fucking warning you. And then your next thing you know, next thing you know, you're having two fucking wars at the same time, bankrupting the company, the company, the country. Do you know, I barely paid attention.

Let's finish that point. That's why I really believe I think women should stay at home and raise kids. They're fucking great at it. You ever wonder why this bunch of cunt kids running around out there? That's because their moms were at work when they could have been at home. You know, raising them, how they're like naturally, the same way guys are naturally wired to just pick up heavy shit. They're naturally wired to be nurturing and they're fucking great at it. And as much as I'm really being chauvinistic here and everything being deliberately over the top to make it funny,

I actually do believe it on a lot of levels that if you could somehow have your fucking broad stay home during critical years of your kids' lives, I think it's way better for them. Instead of having a nanny or sticking in one of those germ fest places, you know, drop them off at daycare. Ugh, I'm not just snot nose kids running around. I don't know. You know, was that wrong? Was it wrong to think those things? I'll tell you what's funny is that that is considered chauvinistic,

that you actually say that women are great mothers and that they make a great sandwich. It just comes off as unbelievably insulting to them. You know, stuff you're just naturally good at. I'll tell you right now, if you're a woman and you're listening right now and you can't make a good sandwich, there's something wrong with you. And you really ought to be questioning your entire womanhood, all of it. I don't think you're worthy. Alright, I think that's good enough to get some emails next week. Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 1st.

And yeah, I was up at the Montreal Comedy Festival this week doing Cheat Live with Robert Kelly and Joe DeRosa. The Teen Isle Sensation from the Opian Anthony program. We were up there doing a show about infidelity, talking about all these poor bastards who accomplish all these things. All these things in life, right? And one fucking skank comes around and just worms away into the situation and everybody just questions. They just question the guy. They don't question the skank, you know? That's another reason why guys are so fucking great. Why it's great to be a guy is because when we fuck up, people just think it's funny.

They don't give a shit. There's no 1-800 numbers that we can call. When women get fucked up or fucked up shit happens to them, they start a group. This is ridiculous. This stuff keeps happening. We need to make it illegal. I want to tee off 10 feet in front of you. Make it easier. Hold the door. Buy me a drink. You know?

That's why you're where you're at, sweetheart. What the fuck am I doing on this podcast? Why am I trashing the ladies? Jesus Christ. It's almost as if I didn't look at the notes for the podcast this week, so I'm picking an easy target. Oh, I was trying to say, what a great time I had up in Montreal. Oh my God. Some G-O-M-G-L-O-L. Some beautiful women up there. Absolutely gorgeous women.

And they speak French, which makes them even more exotic. But I gotta tell you, Montreal for as beautiful as the women are, I've never seen so many cankles in all my life. There are a lot of fucking skinny elephant legs walking around up there. Do you know what I mean? But other than that, it's a great city. And I went all around it. I kept going to the Parque du Royale, which for some reason they were calling it a mountain. Even though it's just a big hill, they call it a mountain.

You know, the French. They're really fucking dramatic. As they hold the cigarette by the taint when they go to smoke it with their berets and their striped shirts. Playing that little fucking squeeze box. I never saw any of that the whole week. I went hiking four out of the five days. I did the stairs. And then I ate right. I stayed away from the buffets and all that bullshit.

I ate right. I came home and I feel fucking great. So anyways, let's talk about the Comedy Festival. I did the Nerdist podcast. Look for that with Chris Hardwick and Reggie Watts. Who I'm going to recommend another one is YouTube videos. In general, just look up Reggie Watts. W-A-T-T-S. If you ever get a chance to see the guy, just absolute fucking genius.

I never say that. And you got to see this guy. So that's my YouTube video of the week because we don't have too many this week. Just go on YouTube. Go to the search engine and then you type in Reggie Watts and then you take two fingers. You hit one. You hit two fingers and you hit the return button to make sure it goes through. And just watch his fucking videos. Why are the levels too low again?

Come on, man. Get up there. There we go. There we go. So anyways, yeah, me, Robert Kelly and Jota Rosa. We did a show at this place, Cleopatra. We ran across the street from Club Soda and we were just talking about, you know, cheating on girlfriends and guys fucking around on their wives. It was basically the overall theme of the story. We all did 20 minutes on the subject and we did it in this bar, Cleopatra,

which was actually a tranny bar. So it was kind of perfect. I don't know why they picked that venue, but it was perfect. It was a great stage and they had the dry ice machine going and we were all talking about all the perverted shit that we've done in our lives. You know, I was talking about gold digging whores. Bobby was talking about being married. DeRosa was talking about being the fucking the swinger that he is.

And it was great. And then the waitresses, like two out of three of them, I think were actually transvestites. So needless to say, it was a fucking awesome show. Really was great. And we didn't step on each other's toes, even though we were all talking about the same subject. And I don't know if I've announced this yet, but it's all part of it's leading up to me, Joe and Bobby. We're all writing a book and it's going to be coming out. I believe in February of next year.

And our short film cheat is going to be part of, if you buy the book, you're actually going to be able to get a copy of it. So all you people out there were saying, well, it's not in a film festival where I can see it. It's going to be in a book. The book will be in bookstores, believe it or not. There's a lot of rumors on TV that it's going to be at a butcher shop. It isn't. It's going to be at a bookstore. You can buy it, bring it out to any one of our shows.

We'll sign them for you. And that is it. That is it. So I'm in a great mood, everybody. You're probably wondering, why? Why are you in such a great mood? Because last night, Breaking Bad. All right.

The breakout star from the hit show Glee did a little scene on it. Did any of you guys watch it? I actually got a bunch of emails and everyone was complimentary of my acting. Thank God. And yeah, I still can't believe I got to be on it. We had a little party here last night. Brought a bunch of people over and I actually was able to sit down and watch it. And I thought it looked all right.

Am I being arrogant? I thought it looked pretty good. My big fucking red bearded face. I thought it looked all right. So I want to thank everyone who said all the nice stuff. You know, this podcast is going to suck this week because I just had a great week. I had a great time at the Montreal Comedy Festival. Nothing bad happened.

Oh, wait a minute. I know what happened. Bobby Kelly was doing this fucking documentary with this guy who's only eating five foods his entire life. Like hamburger, bacon, chicken, Brussels sprouts and like bananas. Something fucked up like that. So he has like this phobia of other foods. The textures of them, the smell of them and they make them gag. If he tries them.

So obviously it's fucking with his social life. He tries to go out with a woman or whatever. And she suggests sushi and he can't go and then he's got to tell her and he starts dry heaving on the date. And obviously there's no second date. Dry heaving for all you youngsters out there. That's something you might want to avoid on a first date. If any way, any way you can avoid going on a first date. That would probably be a good thing.

So when he was long story short, Bobby goes, all right, so he's never had pork in his life. We ordered a suckling pig, which is basically a baby pig. You know, that's in the prime of its life. And right when it's looking at the bigger pigs thinking that that's how his life's going to end. They give him a fucking uppercut with a, with a sledgehammer evidently and end its fucking life. So you call a day before to have one of these pigs made. Cause it takes so goddamn long. They stick, stick the apple in the mouth.

And Bobby goes, dude, you want to come down there? It's like, dude, I don't, I don't want to eat a whole pig, pig head. And a pig head, like a fucking the ears and the feet and all that bullshit. He goes, nah, nah, nah, it's the whole fucking pig. Just come, dude, dude, can you just come, dude? Dude, for me, dude. So I'm like, all right, fuck it, I'll go. So I fucking go over to this place and they show up and it turns out the menu, they don't have a suckling pig.

They just have a pig's head for two. So Bobby orders this fucking thing. I get some sort of lamb shank. And in the meantime that they send over this, they ordered beef tongue. This is classic Bobby. Bobby's just trying to make this guy fucking puke, which I think is hilarious, but I'm sitting at the table too and I have to eat all this shit. And I gotta tell you, the beef tongue wasn't that bad.

Because the beef tongue, the tongue of a bison is like, it probably looked like the tongue on Andre the Giant's shoe, you know, where it would be like fucking 16 inches long. And it's like as thick as, what are those steaks you order? A filet mignon. So they slice it up, it doesn't even look like a tongue. And it actually tastes like smoked meat. It wasn't that bad, but you just kept thinking I'm eating a tongue. So it was kind of fucking nasty.

And to make matters worse, the butter that they had there was made from duck fat. And it was the richest tasting butter. The first two bites, it was the best tasting butter I'd ever had in my life. And by the third bite, you know, the bread and butter, I started to feel sick. And then they bring over this goddamn bison tongue. And then after that, they followed up with a fucking pig's head. And I got to give props to Bob. Bob didn't give a fuck.

He ate some of the nose. He ate some of the ear. He ate the fucking eyeball. It was absolutely disgusting. The dude was gagging. He didn't quite fucking puke. But the whole thing was fucking stupid. It's like you're trying to drag this guy out of the mud.

It's like, why didn't you just get him a pork chop? Is this a story going anywhere? All I know is afterwards, I was sweating. Sweating and I got like the itis. You know, the itis that Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings taught me about. When you eat bad food, you get the fucking itis, which basically means about 20 minutes later, you're going to fall asleep. Like you just ate a Thanksgiving dinner.

That's basically what happened. I tried a little bit of the pig's head. I ate actually a little bit of the pig's ear, because I read a Miles Davis fucking biography one time, and he was raving about when he was a kid, when he used to get barbecue and have a pig-eared sandwich. It was fucking disgusting. I think that's all I have to say about that,

because I'm going to start dry heaving. All right, fuck, you know, I was loving this podcast for the first fucking eight minutes, so now I'm just really not liking it. Hey, how about the strike? The strike is over, everybody, and no sooner is the strike over that a certain tub of shit started predicting

what he's predicted for the last two years. And you know what? I've made a decision. I'm not falling for it this year. I'm not giving into this Rex Ryan horseshit again. I bored a lot of people to tears, so I'm just going to let you guys know that that fat fuck can say whatever he wants.

I know that it's just coming from a place of insecurity, and as a Patriots fans, I am absolutely, over the moon, excited that this fucking guy is going to talk shit again this year, and just psych up other teams to be even more excited to beat them. And my prediction is that they are going to lose

the exact same game that they've lost for the last two fucking years in a row. We signed a wide receiver. We're going to win the Super Bowl. I'm going to say it every year until it happens, because then I'll be right. And then at the end of the year, when I lose, I'm not going to say,

well, I'm a dumb fuck. I didn't know what I was talking about. I'm just going to go, you know, you guys really have no right to criticize me. Look at me. He's getting me going again. All right, I'm going to leave it at that. I'm just psyched that there's going to be an NFL season.

I'm dumping my cable. I'm getting a fucking dish. I'm getting the NFL package. I'm throwing down this year. I've decided I'm ridiculously excited. And I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I watched the NHL and the NBA finals all the way through.

And I told you, you get to the height of that excitement and then all of a sudden it's over. And then you just watch in the dog days of summer and baseball. Like baseball doesn't really get exciting again until September. So the fact that there was a chance

that there was going to be no NFL season, I was really beginning to panic. Because the NFL is just the shit. It's the shit. You have one game a week. Every game counts. You know? Just imagine baseball

if you had one baseball game a fucking week. You wouldn't miss a game for the entire fucking year. How you can't commit to one game and it would mean so much more if you had like a 2-3 game lead. I think that is the genius of NFL football,

aside from the parody. The fact that the Jets could win it. The Patriots could win it. The Steelers could win it. The Colts could win it with a whiny Frankenstein. You know? That's Peyton Manning to me.

If Frankenstein was just a whiny bitch with a quick release, that would be Peyton Manning. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Are you going to make fun of the same nine guys you made fun of last year? Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Anyway, so let's get into the... I got an email from abroad. Here we go. Here is an email. Oh, speaking of all that shit last week, because I finally told you, some of you guys, where I got that lady,

where I got that from, I think most... and I gave that link to the Jerry Lewis video of the Aaron Boy. I want to thank the 99% of the people who actually enjoyed the video and could actually appreciate how far ahead of his time Jerry Lewis was.

And then there was one dude. She was just like, um, didn't make me laugh. It was mediocre at best. Just become a critic, sir. Just become a critic. You have the exact, sort of, cunt tone that it takes to be a critic.

That exact fucking, I've never done this, nor do I have the talent to do this, so, uh, it just was just classic. You know, as I sit here, trashing Peyton Manning. Um, alright, let's plow ahead here. Email from abroad, um, reason...

Okay, Bill, the reason women don't write in as much to the podcast is because men complain more. As girls should have their own fucking radio show. That's a great way to start it. You're gonna get a ton of emails, lady. That was great.

Uh, we tolerate a lot of shit in this culture and only say something after we went... after we went through and stored up a bit. Men just bitch when and where any minor annoyance occurs. The reason... Isn't this fucking hilarious? Like, they look at us the exact same way

that we look at them. You know, she thinks that we have it easier. She thinks that women have been through more. That they only bitch when it counts and we bitch at fucking everything. I'm telling you. That's why, uh, you ever notice that when people, like,

like when I imitate women? You know, I was just having that... Like, they talk like that. And then, yeah, if you notice, like, when women talk about guys, or their boyfriend, they'd be like, okay, I had the whole fucking day set up

and then my boyfriend comes in and he's like, ah, why don't we put the tables over here? They always make that noise. Ah! Before we start talking. Like, we're the dumbest fucking people on the planet. See that? I'm starting to learn, I think,

that we're both annoying to each other. What do you think about that? Am I going out on a limb there? Um, anyways, Bill, the reason women probably got... What the fuck is that word? Sideled? Saddled, you mean?

With nagging and complaining stereotype. It's because after listening to a guy bitch about something for a while, women chime in with an opinion, and the guy couldn't handle it and started whining. Ha, ha, ha! This girl is hilarious unless she's serious.

Uh, then she's a psycho like me. All comedians do is whine. Most of your material is about complaining about something, and you're even starting to get bored with complaining about women, and you whine about it. This girl is great.

And about your parents being strict and making you eat leftovers for breakfast. Your mom made breakfast for you. Your mommy made some breakfast for you. Are you really giving me shit because my mom made me breakfast when I was six? What were you making yourself a steak? Um, in my house, the only breakfast you got

was Carnation Instant Breakfast. Well, your mom sucked. She was probably out blowing somebody. Um, trying... trying powering yourself up for a day at school on that. Still want to complain about your parents? I wasn't complaining about my parents.

I was telling funny stories. Stop superimposing your awful childhood on me. And please tell me, this was a special Sunday morning thing and not something your mom did to you seven days a week. Seven days a week, you say? You cozy smug cunt.

I hope I spelled everything correctly and it's breezy enough for you to read. Wouldn't want you here. You complain about how hard it is for you to read and email. Ah, this girl's fucking awesome. Love ya and Nia is great. Thanks for all you do.

Have a blessed day. That was basically the female version of what I say, so I really can't get mad at her. But you can't blame me for your awful fucking childhood. Alright? That sounds like you had a brutal one. Were you one of those latchkey kids?

I think everyone in the 70s was. Carnation instant breakfast, wasn't that that chocolate flavored shit? We used to have quick. I thought that that was the shit. Did you never get a waffle? Alright, success story. Hey Bill, I'm a 24 year old gay guy.

Excuse me. 24 year old gay guy who came out of the closet last February. What are you a fag bit on? Let it go inspired me to come out of the closet. What I took from that hilarious bit is that most people are miserable because they either don't understand

or they deny themselves what would really make them happy for bullshit reasons, like you buying your pumpkin. I used to be miserable and suicidal. Now I'm performing in drag shows, hosting cupcake decorating parties and sucking cock

and I'm happy as a pig and shit. Thanks Bill. See that? You see that? The podcast isn't all negativity. It's not all white. Actually he's saying that it was my fucking my fucking

my stand up act. Well that's great to hear that sir because I remember a long time ago when I was in Seattle. I did that bit up in Seattle and I was doing the what are you a fag bit and these gay guys stood up screamed fucking homophobe and they walked out

because they didn't get the bit. It's nice to know that you understood it. Jesus dude, you fucking dove right in with the gayness. I just thought you were going to buy like a paisley shirt or some shit, you know? Maybe wink at somebody in a gay bar.

You went all fucking in. Well congratulations. Good for you. Let's get on with the with the advice here. Advice for the week. You know what's funny? If you came out sooner sir

and you went to Montreal you could have been one of the waiters or waitresses. What exactly are you supposed to say? You know? I gotta admit I get a little annoyed with that. With transvestites

when people go well you know she or when you say transsexuals she wants to sit over here. No he wants to sit over here. That guy there with the fucking jackham shoulders? That guy? Yeah, that dude who cut his dick off

and now is wearing a dress. That's still a dude. Alright? He's modified. He's like a hot rod. Like he went to fucking Orange County choppers. Put some flames on the side.

Or is that just considered being polite? Is that what it is? Advice. Hey Bill, love the podcast. You were hilarious at the Greg Giraldo benefit last month. Thank you. Advice.

Bill, I've been going... Hang on a second. Get this closer here. Bill, I've been going out with this girl. Let's say Ethel. Jesus Christ dude. Could you pick a more fucking old lady name?

I bet you did that on purpose, right? I've been going out with this girl. Let's say Ethel for about two years now and everything was great. How many emails start this way? I was in a relationship for two years and everything was great.

Everything was great. Picking daisies and sharing spaghetti strands, so to speak. A week ago, I texted her to see if she wanted to go for lunch. She starts being a complete bitch

and insults me. Wait a minute. You ask her if she wants to go out for lunch and she starts being a complete bitch. She insults you. I suck in bed. I'm ugly.

And why am I even trying to become a comedian because I'm not funny, but with much more vivid and harsh language? She said all that to you? Then I get a text saying that it's not Ethel,

but her brother texted me and he's just messing with me. I go off on him calling him a dumb cunt and other funny adjectives. Five minutes later, I get a call from Ethel yelling at me

about being a dick to her brother for no reason. Apparently, that prick deleted all the text messages he sent except, hey, it's Ethel's brother. Dude, this guy is fucking hilarious.

That's brilliant. So he deletes every fucking thing that he sent except for, hey, it's Ethel's brother and the 10 texts of me flipping out on him. Evidently, he kept. I tried to explain

what a manipulative douche her brother is, but of course, she believed him over me. After a couple of days of her avoiding my calls and even not answering the door when I went to her house,

which she does when she's mad at me, I talk to one of her friends. She eventually tells me Ethel told her once in high school that she got home drunk from a party and passed out. She woke up to her brother

jerking off in her room. Ethel didn't care and just watched. Should I cut all interaction with her altogether because of this or let her explain herself? Thanks in advance.

Dude, what the fuck? You know something? If that was like a script to a movie, if every movie could take a fucking hard left-hand turn like that, I would go to the movies every goddamn weekend because I would never be able

to guess the ending. Did anybody else see that? I thought you were just going to say, yeah, she said that she got drunk and she banged someone else. But it was right as we started going out. So does that count as cheating? She, he was jerking off

in her room. Ethel didn't care and just watched. She watched her brother jerk off. Was he jerking off to her? Dude, yeah, game set match. That's a fucking, that's a deal breaker. Go buy a gift certificate,

a two for one for both of them to go into therapy. Yeah, I would get the fuck out of that. Now I have, because this is like a serious thing, so I got to make sure I cover my ass here. I'm not a psychologist.

I'm not a therapist. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but my gut. All right. Don't take this any more serious than some guy you just told this story to in a bar.

You need a professional to help you out with this one, but my gut's telling me that there's something fucked up, obviously going on in their house. Might have involved some sort of touching. I have no fucking idea.

Maybe there's some ghost in there is the place fucking possessed. That reminds me of the Amityville horror. Was that that movie with the brother and the sister hookup? One of those horror movies. Yeah, dude, get the fuck out of there. And that guy just being that,

at first I just thought he was a wise ass, but the fact that he's jerking off in a room with his past out sister, that's a dark, sadistic fucked up dude. And the fact that she just sat there and watched. It sounds like if Ethel ever cheats on you, it's going to be with her brother.

Which means you're going to have to be mad at two thirds of her family. This is creepy and disgusting. But wait a minute. You just got this information from her friend, but why out of all those things would she make that up? I would just.

Yeah, dude, that's the mother of your kids. Watches her brother jerk off. Dude, that's just. That's that shit when you get molested and then you have no boundaries. Because nobody had any boundaries with you or some shit. I remember overhearing somebody say,

I have no fucking idea on this one, dude. I would run, don't walk away from that situation. Go through the six weeks of the breakup pain of what I used to do with my life, dude. Get the fuck out of that one. Get the fuck out of that one. Yeah. That's it.

If you have stuff over at her house, don't even bother picking it up. Just write that off in your taxes next year. Just leave it alone. And then of course she's going to call you. I mean, you're not going to pick up and she'll just leave a message. Hey, it's Ethel.

Haven't heard from you. In the background you're here. Fucking boyfriend, not even boyfriend, a fucking brother fucking jerking off to her depressed mood. So, you know, I know I got mad at you,

but I think we should work it out. I don't know how to get out of that one. I definitely would not bring up to her that you heard that she watched her brother jerk off. That's the thing that's killing me about all this is it's hearsay. But, how do you approach that subject?

How do you just, listen, I heard something about you. I heard you, you kind of, you know, kind of passed out and your brother took out the old meat hammer, started banging some nails

and you fucking sat there and watched. What the f- What the fuck? Dude, I have no idea how to have that conversation. I think you just got to leave. Like, deniro and heat. You just fucking walk away.

Just walk away. And this is another thing I would do. Do not tell anybody. You know, that's some serious fucked up family shit. And, you know, if they did some shit like that,

I'm guessing something horrific happened to them. And the last thing they need is that shit out in public to be ridiculed. And, because obviously people can't keep their mouths shut.

Dude, you know what you should do? You should bang that girl that told you that story. You know, what the fuck she giving you that information for? She obviously doesn't want you to get back with Ethel. You know,

she obviously doesn't want you to get back with Ethel. Jesus Christ, this is like a fucking soap opera script. Alright, let's plow ahead. Hiya, Bill. Podcast stand up.

Love it. Hilarious. Thank you. I come to you like so many men do asking advice about ladies and relationships. My case is a little different.

And then I have never had a serious girlfriend and I really need advice on wooing a girl. Ah, Jesus. I don't know if he came to, he came to the wrong guy on this one.

I do not know how to woo a girl. I know how to be a dick, yet make her laugh and then have her questioning why she ever got in a relationship with me. That's what I know how to do. But let's plow forward.

I have my sights set on this girl. I want you to help me woo. I will admit and you woo, woo, woo. I will admit that I'm a 21-year-old virgin and think that the advice

you give on those lady killers out there is pretty solid and I could use some myself. The girl on my radar is a bigger nerd than I. There you go. Go with some easy prey.

Pick the weak one. She's one of those who loves Japanese cartoons like Pokemon and stuff like that. Don't get me wrong. Nerdy girls are right up my alley. She's borderline cute

and I, and I banter back and forth with her on Facebook without any headway. Does she have those dark frame glasses, you know, and wears her hair up, but one day

you're going to take them off and she lets the hair down. Gives it a little tussle like one of those makeover shows. Anyways, I also don't think it would hurt to mention that her parents are multi-millionaires

living in this city that I'm not going to mention just to give it a little perspective. She's a total sweetheart and interested in dudes, but I don't ever really know how to break the ice. Okay.

I'm sure I'm not the only virgin who listens into the show when I speak on our behalf when I ask for a few good icebreakers, techniques, and ways to get our feet in the proverbial door. Excuse me,

hiccups. In my case and in general. I mean, I love hearing from guys who complain about only fucking two people a week

as much as the next guy, but I think us guys with dicks drier than a bucket of sand would appreciate a few good dudes and don'ts. I'm thinking of dinner or drinks as a first date

or should I invite myself to her mansion to watch cartoons? Let's get some virgin bone smooched bill. All right. All right, Jesus Christ. Wooing a girl.

I don't know how to do this. Do you know how I got Nia? I basically, that movie Monster came out and she told me how great a movie it was. And I saw it. I thought it sucked.

And I called her up and I went off on it and I had her laughing her ass off. And that was basically, I think that that's basic. I don't,

I never really thought about it. I don't woo people. All right. Let's, let's, let's, let's look at the fucking target here. All right. She's some broad. I'm guessing she wears fucking

glasses. She likes Japanese cartoons. Jesus Christ. Her parents are multimillionaires. So what do you want to do here? Do you want to fucking have this girl be your girlfriend? It seems like you just want to banger.

Do you want to banger? You don't take her to dinner, dinner and drinks. You just get right to the drinks. Invite her out to some shit. Some shit that you're already going to be at. All right.

Some nerdy shit that she's going to like where there's going to be alcohol. That's what you do. You invite her out there. She's probably going to show up with a friend. Don't let that be an obstacle.

All right. Then you go there. You just start talking shit. Just make her laugh. Say a couple of things that are fucking borderline over the top. Dude, I really wish I could just mic you up for this thing

because this isn't something that you're going to be able to figure out on a first date. And you're really going to say something fucking stupid, but don't let that, don't let it stop you. This is like learning how to do standup.

You have no fucking idea how to do it. You write five minutes of shit that you think is funny. All of a sudden you're at an open mic. They call up your name. You walk on stage and you hang on for dear life. All right.

You know what? Fuck this nerd. Okay. This isn't the last fucking nerd you're going to try to bang. All right. This girl is practice on her. I'm not saying break her heart

and treat her like shit. Just go in there and try to be fucking a reverent. Don't give a fuck. You know what? Hit on the girl she brought to. Who knows? Maybe she's the whore of the two.

I think at this point you're 21. You want to get fucking laid. You don't need a fucking girlfriend, dude. That's it. There it is. You're 21 year old version. You need to go out there and start fucking killing it.

All right. Because if you, what's going to happen with you is is you never gotten fucking laid. It's getting to the point where it's absolutely fucking ridiculous. I mean, you're 21 years old. That's like that year the Orioles

lost like 23 games in a row. They didn't give a fuck by the end of it. They have thrown at people's heads. Right? They're probably having a circle jerk in the locker room. Anything to break the fucking. Anything to break the bad karma.

All right? So it's a 21 year old version, sir. This is the best fucking advice you're ever going to get. The last thing you want to do is get into a goddamn relationship. So dinner and drinks, throw that out the fucking window.

Out the window. All right? Oh, she go to a movie. Fuck that. Fuck that. Invite her out to some nerd shit where there's some drinks. All right?

I'm not saying get hammered, but get drunk. Get drunk and talk some shit. And even though you don't know how to talk shit, talk some shit that you think is talking shit. Just get your fucking feet wet.

Forget about your goddamn dick. Get your fucking feet wet. Get in the game. Get some at bats. Take some cuts. Some big swings. Swing for the fences. Hit on her fucking friend too.

If you not get anything, hit on the girl bringing your drinks. You know what? Before you meet this broad, go out and do this shit. Just start doing this. You got to get yourself out of your fucking shell.

That's what you got to do. All right? Go buy a fucking stack of goddamn condoms. All right? That's good. That's good energy. You're preparing to get laid.

You're setting the table. All right? You're a 21-year-old virgin, which means your dick has no miles on it. So if you go out there and you meet some dirty fucking whore, you better make sure

you wear a condom because your fucking undercarriage is going to start rusting out immediately. That's fucking gross. All right? Look yourself in the mirror. Stop being a fucking pussy.

Oh, wow. Look who just walked in. The wonderful Nia. Nia, you got to help me out here. I'm trying to help a 21-year-old virgin. Virgin. Virgin?

Yeah. I've been stuttering this whole podcast because I think that fucking Tylenol PM is still fucking with me. Speaking of the mic. Hi.

Yeah, there you go. So this guy is 21-year-old virgin. Okay. All right? And he wants to get laid. So he's been talking on Facebook with some nerd chick

who's into Pokemon and all that. Yeah. Micronauts and all that shit that they're into. Right. So he just can't seem to get in the goddamn game.

All right? So he's suggesting taking her to dinner and drinks. And I'm like, that's the worst thing you can do because you're going to end up in a relationship. And I'm saying he's 21-years-old.

He needs to go out there and crush some ass. And if he goes out, if you set it up with dinner and drinks, you take her to a movie. You're setting it up like you care about her. You don't want to be a 21-year-old.

Okay. You're already furring your bra. Because I don't understand why being in a relationship is like the worst thing that could happen. Right out of the gate, it's fucking horrible,

especially at 21. This guy needs to bang. He's like, he needs to bang at least 20, 40, 60. He can do that afterward. I don't understand why he can't take this girl.

Why are you denying him his instinct to like take her out and show her a good time and laugh it up. And if they end up having sex grade and if not, whatever, why are you discouraging that? Because he's never been laid.

Which means... Which is why it's more important for him to be... My time. My time. The first time should be what someone he cares about, because that set up

your whole sexual outlook for like the rest of your life, I think. I think your first time should be like an ideal situation. It shouldn't just be with like a whoever. That's really gay.

It's not. That's how it was for me. It was very special and loving and it really shaped my outlook. Stop saying that. Why? Why is it gross? That's just fine.

This guy needs to go out. Hey, I told you, buy a stack of fucking condoms. He needs to go out. Okay? Then you might as well tell him to get a hooker. It's closest.

No. You might as well tell him. Really? Well, that's kind of what you're just throwing him out into the wild. Like, yeah, I just bang a bunch of chicks.

That's not what I'm saying. Don't belittle what I'm saying. If it's going to be that devoid and removed from emotion, then you might as well just get a hooker. No. You know what the problem is,

he's going to get a hooker. Alright? Well, he's wired to take a girl out and know her. How do you know that? You don't know this guy? Because he said it. So what?

I say things. I say things that I don't mean. So he said it and you don't believe him. Dude, this is like a guy who's never watched a football game talking about football. He doesn't know

what the fuck he's doing. Yeah, get the ball and run with it. That's his instinct. He doesn't know how to go off tackle. They just call the option.

You think he's going to throw it? He's just going to start running. He doesn't know what to do. I have no idea what you're talking about. Exactly. And the same way you know nothing

about football, this guy knows nothing about pussy. And I'm telling you right now, he's going to go out there and he's going to fucking, she's going to hold his hand or give him a little kiss

and he's going to be like, ooh, oh my God. All those feelings are great. Why are you just trying to discourage those feelings? Those are all wonderful feelings to have.

Because of the demon. Because of the demon. What are you talking about? The demon that every guy has in him. Not every guy is you, Bill. Every guy has that demon in him and you've got to fuck it out of

you before you fall in love. You have to hit, you've got to hit that, maybe I'm a superimposed myself, but you've got to hit the wall where you think you're crawling off that last

skank and you're just like, what the fuck am I doing? I don't know why you're trying to turn them into a dirt bag. I want to meet a nice girl.

Because this guy is going to fall in love right out of the shoot. So what? Right out of the shoot without ever ask because it's going to

fuck with them when he's in there. Fuck with them when he's in his 40s. I have no idea what you mean by any of that. I'm going to tell you what's going to happen.

This is what, no, no, she's going to do something else. Follow your heart, sweetie. And this dude, this girl, take that nice little

nerdy girl out, talk about all kinds of nerdy stuff together, kiss, make out, be excited about seeing her again in a couple weeks and then it builds

from there and you have wonderful sweet love making. And if it lasts a month, if it lasts for two weeks, that's life and that's how it goes.

That's the advice you should be giving him is to go for it and if things don't work out, know that you will find somebody else. That's the advice you should give him.

The advice that you're giving him is in his 40s he's going to have a Corvette convertible and his comb over is going to be fucking blowing in the breeze

as he drives down the street banging his fucking secretary. No, I think he's going to be just fine. I think he should take her out.

And like I said, if it doesn't work out with this girl all right. There you go, sir. You got it from both sides of the ball there. I'm just looking out

for this guy because I really this guy is, you know, he's leading with this jugular and he's going to get hurt. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, dude,

you got to hurt them before they fucking hurt you. Yeah, that's really what it comes down to. That's really what it comes down to. I'll see. This is why you're

great on the podcast. I, you know, I was always near you wouldn't believe this. I've actually been trash and broads on this thing. But this I wish you were here for this fucking lady.

Wrote a hilarious email called me out and comedians out on all our shit that we're just a bunch of whiny bitches bitching about stuff. Yeah, it was pretty much dead on.

That's great. Pretty much dead on. Yeah. But you know what? She didn't ruin my she didn't ruin my high for this week. Okay.

I'm feeling pretty good. You should. Yeah. You think so? Because of the that whole breaking bad episode. They cut it together

very nicely. Breaking bad. Well. Yeah. I mean. Yeah. Bring me back down to Earth, Nia.

Make sure I don't have an ego. Just trash me. You stunk on it. You and your big fat red face. She was trashing me last night.

See what we were trying to recreate. Rusty beard. Yeah. We were trying to recreate actually came up pretty good. And after a while,

she just started trashing me. It was fucking hilarious. But you were great. You brought me back down there. You know, no, I'll tell you,

you know what was great? You were really good. It was the editing. The editing on that was so fucking slick. Yeah. That it made me look

way better. The coolest thing of that scene, the thing that made that scene cool was the fucking editing. And I'm telling you for anybody out there.

If you people don't watch Breaking Bad world famous comedian, Bill Burr, Bill Burr is on it. Then you should just watch it because it's a great show.

The acting is amazing. Everybody involved is a genius. Yeah. But thank God for great editors. That's all I can say. At the end of the day,

I was still a comedian acting. To be or not to be, is that what the question is? You're a legitimate actor in Hollywood

now. Oh, yeah? Because with date night, I think I'm up to about 11 lines that I've delivered

on camera. Well, I feel like the things that you've been in have been quality. So it's not like, you know. Well, you know,

a lot of people, when they look at my IMDB page and they say, they see a like they do sparsely fernish to this. They think it's

because I don't book a lot of acting roles. Seriously, I turned down a tremendous, tremendous amount of work. I remember Yes,

your work on passionata was Oh, yeah. That was one. That was one. I did. I did them a favor. They said,

please come in here and be guy who plays poker next to star. And I just remembered, you know, if

if that guy who was starring in it wasn't starring in it, I wouldn't have done it because I didn't connect with those four lines. I just, you know,

I really have to connect with the material. I've done a lawn order episode as well. Indeed I was. And one of the keys

to that performance was that I did a lot of jogging and running when I was a kid. And a lot of actors made the mistake of just walking into the audition.

Sure. I came in in character. Did you? I jogged it. You jogged it. I jogged right in. And the whole time I was jogging in place.

Like when they would just say, Hey, you know, what's your name? Slate your name. I was already jogging because I wanted to be like sweating for the performance.

And it was those kinds of things. Dick Wolf must have been like this guy. Oh yeah. More method than Brando. Yeah. Like it's those kinds. I revel in those four line

acting pieces that I do. Did you have lines on lawn order? Oh, indeed I did. Can someone please, for the love of God, find footage of Bill playing the jogger on lawn order?

What year was it? My grandmother actually trashed me when she saw that. She made fun of my lines. Are you feeding the fishies? Are you feeding the fishies all night? And then she went,

and hung up on the phone. Wow. Is that where you get it from? Yeah. I told you, my mom, the first time I did Conan, I had my shirt untucked

and it was like right around, you know, mid 90s. So that grunge look guys to this day still have the untucked, you know, button down shirt.

And my mother was just like, that was my first, you know, late night show I did. And I thought I went pretty well. And then she's, what did she say? She said,

you should tuck your shirt in next time. You look like you were wearing a dress. Oh my gosh. So the next time I go on it, I wear a suit. I wear a suit.

And then she goes, like, yeah, you know, what'd you think? And she goes, you shouldn't do any more short sets.

You're, you're much better when it's longer. Yeah. I finally talked to her. I was just like, I was like, that's fine.

Yeah. I was like, why can't you just say good job? And then her philosophy is I'm not criticizing you. I'm just trying to make it better.

Wow. There you go. What year did you do law and order so we can help the people? Early 2000s. Wait, I remember it was

March of 2001. March 2001. Because we, we filmed it across under the Brooklyn bridge and the, the twin towers that was within,

you know, six months of them going, that was right around six months. And they had the, the lights shining up with the twin towers where, and I think,

did they have that in the scene? Wait, wait, so it was March of 2001 or this was post- March, I'm sorry,

March of 2002. Okay. March, 2002. People, find that episode. Find that episode. March,

2002, law and order. And here's, here's, yes, from, the acting performances that I've done.

You can jam. Okay. You can jam them all in a seven minute. Beijing, Mr. Herman. Mr.

Herman. You have a phone call at the front desk. Yes. Oh, we're nerding out a little bit. We are. Speaking of nerd love,

oh, nerd love. You're going to deny this kid what, what we kind of went through? Look, I have to make it funny, whatever,

do whatever the fuck you want to do. All I'm saying is, I can get a fucking fierce in this because, how my whole dating life started. Right.

Yeah. You know, I was like, I was like, 1920 before I finally got any, you know. I was 19. She was,

she was in her 30s and sang in a band. I, I just went right, I went right into it. There's nothing better than having zero to fucking a buck ninety.

I was hanging on for dear life. There's nothing better than your first time being a really nice time. Cause like I said, even if it doesn't work out, you don't have that kind of

thing hanging over you. You know what? Like that first time was nothing at me. You know, I tap out. You're a hundred percent right. The reason why I'm probably

so fucked up is because I didn't go after some nice girl. Okay. Yeah. I went out. I went after damaged goods. I was like some cheap fuck.

You know, the grocery store tries to find like a dented can, you know, or some, some cereal box that has some water damage because it's cheaper.

Those were the kinds of women that I went after in the beginning. I went after damaged fucking goods. I liked them a little hoary. You still like them a little hoary. Look at you trashing yourself. I know I did.

I came right out of the gate and no, I had a rough, I had a rough period there. And then when I would get with nice girls, they didn't turn me on on any level.

I had the classic horror Madonna thing. Like nice girls. I didn't want to bang them. I was like, I don't want to bang you. I want to take you to a movie. Then I get with a hoary girl.

It's like, I'm going to take any of the movies. Blow me. Right. But the thing is, if you take a nice girl to a movie and do nice things with her, she will eventually want to sleep

with you. And then she could turn out to be a total whore in bed, which is like the best of both worlds. I know. I never really thought about that. I was just, I just pictured it being nice,

having nice sex. This is nice. We're having sex. You don't, you never know what somebody is going to do to you. It's just a situation. So.

Jesus Christ. You know, I gave you fucking props after night trashed women about the way you handled the dog this morning. Yeah. As you flipped out.

Oh, I went into Mike Ditka mode. Clear. Knock it off. Fuck. I swear to God, I'm ready to get rid of that goddamn dog.

Well, what about you? You fucking let the dog go for like an hour. I have to keep getting up like it's just my dog. And then I finally said to you, you know,

it's your dog too. I know. And Bill, also you need to realize that when you are not here, if I sleep to like 10, she's in there and she,

she deals with it. Oh, you know what, Nia? So, go f yourself. I don't know what to tell you. No,

but I went over there. I understand. I keep doing this shit. You keep saying the dog's fucked up because of me. Like it's always me. It's not always you. You're right.

But no, I went over there and I gave her the old pressure and then she kind of calmed down. She just ignored her though. You know, sometimes I should just ignore you.

How about that? You're always coming at me. You could never, never ignore me. Really? What other advice is going on? Overrated, underrated. Oh, let's do that.

Those are fun. This is me ignoring you. Oh. Because you don't, you don't get to chime in. Overrated, underrated. Overrated. Wet t-shirt competitions.

For some reason, the fact that you can kind of see a woman's titty through a soaking wet t-shirt seems to cause us men to flock by the hundreds just to come see. Never mind the women in that

situation. Shit. Like that really cheapens us as a sex. Why not just go out to a titty bar like a real man? Plus a titty dancer has more dignity.

At least she's making good money out, out of the consequences of her fucked up childhood. The rest of them are freezing their tits off in a field in front of some seedy old fucked with a hose.

Oh, I see. Seedy old fussy guy spraying the titties. Overrated. Chicks with big boobs. Usually, usually they have back problems. Complain when you,

when you tweak their nips and are generally thicker, harder to toss around. What? Give me a B cup skinny spinner any day of the week built for speed. How is somebody

as back problems your issue, you douchebag? Because they're going to sit there and whine about it. And what girl likes you to tweak their nipples? Hey, FYI, douche, it's annoying

and it hurts when you tweak nipples. They're sensitive. You dumbass. You can't tweak their nipples. I mean, what the fuck? Idiot. Alright, so we know

how Nia feels on that one. Alright, underrated. Girls boobs, I take it on, it's my issue. You know, go fuck yourself. This is another woman's body. And it's underrated or overrated.

Girls with big boobs are overrated. I mean, you know how it affects me? You dumbass. Those boobs fed you for probably longer than you needed to,

you little mama's boy. Now you have a boob complex. Let me tell you something else about a woman's body that I know nothing about. You know what? Sit down somewhere. Play with your micro inch penis.

That really annoyed me. Jesus Christ. What did I tweak your nipple or something recently? You really went off. Alright. Give me a B cup skinny girl any day.

I actually, you know, I love the B cups the best. If you go in like long term, those other ones are just going to be fucking sitting in her lap after a while. Then she's going to want

to get a boob reduction. Bill, shut your fucking mouth. What? You know nothing. You know nothing. You know nothing. Really, those big ones don't end up fucking

hanging below your knees. They all end up getting saggy. Yeah. News flashed. They all end up saggy. Most women of a certain age, if they appear perky or whatever,

they're wearing a bra because gravity happens. It happens to your fucking pink sack. And it happens to boobs. Get over it. Yeah, but the big fucking... You think I'm looking forward

to looking at your 80 year old balls? Am I criticizing your titties? Am I criticizing your titties? No, you're not, but I'm just, you know... I don't give a fuck how much you trash me.

I know I'm a mess. Those big titties end up down in your fucking lap. They have a shelf life to them. They do. And if those brats go to sleep without a bra on,

forget about it. They're hanging off the side of the bed like you drooled off your pillow. No one really sleeps in the bra. That sounds like the most uncomfortable. Maybe some girls do.

It's uncomfortable. The reason why you balance this podcast is you fucking defend women no matter what. Even if they're in the wrong with their big titties. Underrated. Gene Hackman.

Here's a guy who knew how to walk away. I know he gets a shitload of praise already for his acting, but this guy had the discipline to pick up, to pick a retirement date to such a bizarre career choice

and then stick to it. I didn't even know he retired. Not to mention he's probably been tempted to come back hundreds of times by movie studios. I bet when the producers of the last Superman movie called him about reprising

his Lex Luthorole, he probably just said, fuck you, I'm going fishing and hung up the phone. That's fucking, that's a great underrated. I didn't know he did that. Do you know that's my dream?

To turn down a Superman franchise? No. No, I want to, to retire. To actually not be on stage 80 years old with my ball bag

hanging down my tuxedo pant leg. I'll tell you in each comics today, they don't know how to go, what's up with that? What's up with that? Do you think you'll ever retire? Do you think you'll like,

or are you going to, are you going to George Burns it? I want to George Carlin it. Put out a special and then that's it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I want to do.

Okay. I want to be up there, that guy who like walks in really slowly to the theater and then the second he goes on stage, it's like, it's like he's in his 20s again. Lady.

No, I would like to, I don't see you retiring. I have to do it. Yeah. That's the thing. I have to do it. If I don't do it, you know it's like,

if I don't do stand up for three, four days, I'm driving you nuts. I have to go down there and be able to yell at people when they don't get to talk to me. You get spoiled by it. That's why you do it.

Exactly. That's a great way of describing stand up. People out there, who just feel like you're not being heard. That's the greatest thing about stand up. You get to talk for an hour

and everybody else has to shut the fuck up. And if they open their mouths, you get to tell them to go fuck themselves. And then a whole room full of people will applaud you. It's tremendous.

It's like, I can't even explain how awesome that is. And I highly recommend it. But there is a price to pay. All right. Underrated, Joe.

What is that price? What is the price? The loneliness, the travel, the alcoholism, the drug use, the whores, the scumbag club owners

who fuck you on the money. Learning how to do stand up, standing there getting heckled, the humiliation. Jesus Christ, it's a fucking laundry list. But at the end of it,

if you make it through, your reward is you get a microphone and you get to yell at people for an hour. And get paid for it. Ah, they cheer you on. Yeah.

I feel that way too. If I did what I did on stage anywhere else, people would be telling me to shut the fuck up. They really would. Jesus, enough already. Can I talk now?

You know? All right. Underrated, Joe DeRosa. Hey. The Teen Idol. Joey Roses. Joey Roses. Joey Roses.

The Teen Idol sensation from the opening Anthony program. I first met him after I bought your Let It Go DVD. When somebody told me about the uninformed shows

you guys did for XM, I checked it out and not long after it, I ended up buying Joe's CD as well. Great to see his career progressing and I hope he gets bigger and bigger because he deserves it. When you guys get into

a real heated debate with one another, it's fucking hilarious. I was wondering if you guys plan on doing any more uninformed podcast shows. We're definitely going to do it

at some point when the technology is there where, you know, we can like Skype and I don't know, somehow be in the same studio without having to have our own fucking studio.

We're going to try and figure it out. The problem is, is I've gotten really busy, Joe's gotten really busy and we live 3,000 miles away from each other.

Yes, at some point we will do the uninformed show. Remember that? The uninformed show. No reading, no research, just strong opinions.

What a great hook. Who came up with that? I did. Yes, you did. All right, underrated. Chicks with big noses. Usually better orally. As they can go to the base

with less air. Wait, wait, wait. If your nose is bigger, you can deep throw because, but I thought if your nose was bigger, it would get in the way.

Get in the way of what? Unless she's doing a 69 and she would smother herself in your ball bag. Okay. I like how you just mimed that, trying to figure that out. I did.

I used the microphone to try to see how that would work. People think you were a lady. All right, almost like, okay, almost like the nose is a camel's hump

holding reserves. That's hilarious how the guy thinks the nose is holding the air. It's the lungs. You can take it. It's more, I would compare it

like putting a blower onto a fucking muscle car. Right? I think that that's what, I think that that should have been the reference. Anyways, that's why your balls

are in a sack. You can move them to one side so they don't get pecked to death. How funny are my listeners? I love to take their word for it. Everybody was fucking hilarious this week.

That's funny. And that lady, email from abroad, look at her, other women out there. She fucking totally, because I didn't read this beforehand,

she fucking totally punched me in the chest to sit there and take it. More women should write in. Yes, you should. All right. Get out of the kitchen and start making emails.

Make an email. Start writing emails. That really killed the momentum of that. You should have more. You should have listened to my rant about a stay at home moms. Why you guys should stay at home. Just watching what you did,

your natural instincts with Cleo, how you calmed it down and then it was totally chill. And I was doing the typical thing, you know? Like if a kid's, you know,

like when I sucked in school, in high school, this is how my dad would motivate me. I would be sitting there watching TV and he would just walk in the room and scream, study! Or he'd go,

hit the box! And then I had to turn off the TV and go upstairs, totally angry at him, resenting him and then sit down and read like a science book. And all I was thinking of doing

was slamming it over his head. Yeah. So what were you saying? That, you know, that you guys just naturally have that instinct, you should not be in the workforce. Why not? Because you're wasting that talent.

It's like you have this unbelievable talent to raise kids and now you got to drop them off at some snot-nosed fucking... Well, we have other talents besides child rearing. So... It's impossible that we can do both. What?

Do both? Jesus Christ. I have never wanted to fucking smash you with a windscreen before in my life. Why? Because I was speaking the truth? You're not... You guys,

you know what you guys have become? You've become men. You're distant from your fucking kids. What's more important than raising a kid right? Exactly. Now you're spending eight hours of the day. I'm not saying you got to give up on your dreams of being nationally known for needle point.

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that, you know, those early years, you should be home. I would want to be home with my kids the first few years. Why wouldn't you? If you were any sort of a mother,

why wouldn't you? Well, because some women have to work, Bill. Some women don't have the option of staying home. I know. I'm not giving them shit that they have to work. I'm just, you know, if you suggest that women should stay home with kids, they look at you like you're some caveman.

Well, because... because it's probably because back in the day, that was what was expected. That's all you do. That's all you're good for. So it brings back those, those feelings. Nah, you know what it was? You want to feel like I can, I can do both.

I can take care of my children and I can have a career and I can provide for my family. We want to feel like we can do it all. And it's, it's harder and harder to do that. Can't. And yes, there's a certain wave of feminism that has hurt a woman's ability to sort of naturally follow her instinct because she feels like she's not living up to her full potential.

I know. And the amount of people who just end up in cubicles, that's my thing. I'm not saying that if you, you're going to run your own business and that type of thing, but honestly, to just go out into the workforce and become another drone. Do you ever wonder why that comic Dilbert is so fucking popular?

It's because of the amount of people who fucking relate to that, that the bizarre corporate fucking world that makes no goddamn sense, that is not fulfilling spiritually on any level. That's what you signed up for. That's what most guys were doing. I blamed guys earlier in this that we always come home, we always got to exaggerate what we're doing, acting like it was bigger than what it actually is.

And I think you guys got a false sense of what going out into the workforce was. You didn't realize that most people were just going out there, dum-dum-dub-dub-dub-dub-dub-dub-dub, standing on the end of a fucking assembly line. I don't think women were that naive to think that... You get your faces in fucking, you were making oatmeal cookies. You didn't know what was going on. There was no internet.

There was no Oprah. There was none of that shit. You had, I love Lucy. Whoa, Maggie! Yeah, that's all you had. You didn't know what was going on. Going especially way back in the day, you go back to like women's suffrage that happened,

I think in the 1700s, when you went back to... Nothing? You don't remember that? When was women's suffrage? When did you broads finally get the right to vote? Like 1920? I think it was part of that... I don't know. Babe Ruth going to the Yankees deal.

I think that was another way the Red Sox fucked up. But your version of what went on in the world all came from your fucking husband when he came home and he tried, you know, he bought some $2 cigar and started chomping on it acting like it was a Cuban. I think you're underestimating women's awareness of the real world back in the day. I think you're underestimating the lack of technology that existed back then. You don't need technology to understand how the world works. Really?

Yes, really. People have been doing it for thousands of years. So you don't have a TV, you don't have a fucking radio. And so what you thought women were just in a bubble? Like I have no idea. You're at the end of a country road. I'm talking about these broads in the middle of nowhere who were like barefoot until they were 31. And the one day the half Indian guy who the white people that hang around made her some moccasins. It was like the happiest day of her life.

Talking about her, she had no idea what it was like. Your version of history is hilarious. My version of history, I watch the history channel all the time. Thank you very much. Why don't you actually talk to your mother who is of that generation and who's from a small town? She wasn't. My mother didn't have the right to vote. Well, no, I don't mean that. I'm talking about the beginning. But I mean back in the days when she was younger and that sort of thing, she might be able to offer a better perspective than us. You know what it is? I just find so many of the things that you guys talk about to be so childish and frivolous.

Isn't that interesting because we feel the exact same way. A difficult time taking you seriously. That has been one of the biggest challenges of this relationship is when I look at you to not see you as the child that you are. And I have to keep reminding myself that you actually are an adult. That's one of the hardest things. You are an old man and I've thought that from the beginning. You're an old out of touch red beard. You know what? You went to the red beard well too many times. Once again, you killed on the podcast. You really saved me. I had the Tylenol PMDT. I started off fast and then in the middle, I was talking about eating a pig's head and I couldn't even make it funny.

So thank you for coming on here, Nia. We appreciate it. And I want to thank all the ladies who are going to take what I said seriously and send me a bunch of fucking emails. If you would break balls like this fucking lady did here, it was tremendous. You really should read this, Nia. I will. I bet it's good. Well, you should think it's good. I said it was. Alright, I think it's time to shut your mic off. This is another thing I wish I could do in real life. Just turn people's mics down like that's enough for you. Bye. See you later.

I'm just joking. You could stay until the end of the podcast. I just felt bad. I just felt bad. See, you have your moments. You're such a Gemini. You're sweet and then you're sour. This is getting weird. Alright, that's the podcast this week, you guys. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. Hey, a 21-year-old virgin, you got to let us know. You got to let us know when you get laid. Yeah, let us know. Come on. This will be a story.

Use protection for the love of God. I always tell people that. That's why I told them by a stack of condoms. Yeah, and check with her. Make sure she's all right too. Don't get sucked into a fucking relationship. Alright, just because you're excited. For the first fucking time. Tell him to follow his heart, but don't be stupid. Say that. You know what? Listen to this podcast.

Figure out who's the least damaged out of the two of us. I think I might win this one. I think that's pretty obvious. Just figure out who you want to be. Alright, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. I'll see you next time.