Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-29-11

Episode Date: August 29, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Hurricane Irene, Goats, and Hotel Security

Ikea, tip of the week, do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until the 15th of April, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. This is the first time in history, going back to June of 2007. Back to Robert Kelly's apartment where it all began. That faithful day when he set up my podcast and I did my first podcast. Albeit it was only a 22nd podcast. It was still a podcast. This is the first time in history I've ever been stranded.

I'm stranded because I don't know if you guys heard. There was a hurricane. I can see how you might have missed it. You might have been watching Lifetime for the last 36 fucking hours. Yeah, I'm stranded. Right now I am on a piece of driftwood. And fortunately I had my computer bag and a generator. So I'll be hand cranking it throughout this podcast, but I'm okay. I have on some mittens and some Kevlar. No, I'm fucking, I'm in this hotel.

You know what they did. They basically, they scared the shit out of everybody. Christ, you cut the shit out of it. They, they scared the living shit. What the fuck is with the weather channel? What's the deal? What a weather channel? You know, you can't, you can't shout fire in a crowded movie theater. But evidently you can have your own channel and tell everybody that they're going to fucking die, drown, or get crushed by a tree for three fucking days straight. And screw up. Who the fuck's got the heavy feet up there?

That's gotta be kids. You know, when was the last time you saw a graceful child? You know, they're so used to, they're so new to running. They've only been doing it for like four years. Just stomping all over the place with their brand new spinal cord. Nothing hurts. They just run around immune to anything. Jesus Christ. Anybody ever done that? You know, when they do that, when they film joggers in slow motion, how much their calves are fucking, you know, shaking

in the impact of it? I bet little kids it's even worse. You know, they just come straight down on their foot. There's no roll, no nothing. Anyways, what the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about these people on the weather channel. It's unbelievable. Three fucking days they're talking, it's gonna be the worst storm the East Coast has ever seen. I had six shows. Six shows this weekend at the stress factory. I only got to do three of them.

Because these fucking assholes got everybody so goddamn scared. You know, that's just unbelievable. What happens? What happens? It's always slams into the south. You know, where it deserves to be. Those inbred sons of bitches down there all fucking related. That's it's God. God's doing it to you. Oh, Jesus, right? He sends it in there. And then it fucking swoops away a couple people in the Carolinas. And by the time it comes up here, it really doesn't do anything.

Couple of trees fall down. Ooh, the water's up to my ankles. Couple of basements get flooded. What the fuck really happens? Jesus Christ, they canceled all the flights for like two, three days. So now here I am stuck in New Jersey. I have no goddamn shows. And I can't get out of here until Tuesday. I don't know what I'm gonna do. It's Sunday night. I'm sitting in this fucking hotel room. Thanks to the goddamn weather channel.

I swear to God, 40 guys with chainsaws could clean up all of New Jersey. There's really no problem. And they sat there saying that, oh, it's coming right at New Jersey. Scaring the shit out of these people. Everybody going down to the supermarket buying gallons of milk. What the fuck are you gonna do with that gallon of milk? How does that help you in a flood other than drag you under? Are you gonna dump two gallons of milk out and use that as like a flotation device? You can duct tape to your back. What are you gonna do with your milk, sir?

Your milk and your eggs? What are you gonna do? Can you imagine the amount of sore udders out there because of this fucking storm? Huh? The amount of chicken sphincters that are fucking raw from laying all those goddamn eggs? I don't know where the eggs come. They don't come out of the ass. Where do they come out of the chicken pussy? Is that where it comes out of? Huh, you freak? Who goes to beastiality.com and can answer that one? Don't even lie to me that you went to veterinarian school because I'm not buying it. If you went to that school, you're too smart to listen to this podcast, alright?

So if you know the answer to that, that means you have fucking chickens on a regular basis and I don't want to hear otherwise. Alright, so go back out to the coop and have a good time, you fucking weirdo. Oh, God, I am in a mood. I am in a fucking mood. Yeah, they canceled my flight and somehow I was able to get... I actually got a window seat, which is good, you know? Ah, Jesus Christ. I gotta get my own helicopter. That's what I want.

A helicopter that leads to a jet. That's what I want. No, I'll rent the helicopter. It lands on every hotel. We're on top of the comedy club the second I'm done and I walk up into the attic of the comedy club. I jump on it and I fly away. And then I land at some private airport and then I get on a private jet and then they take that shit that they give you right before they remove your appendix. You know, some sort of gas. They knock me out and then next thing I know, they're just nudging me. Mr. Per.

We've landed in California. That's how I want to fucking travel. I don't give a shit what it does to the ozone layer and I don't give a shit how much of an arrogant ass it makes me. I don't give a fuck how much I won't be able to relate to my crowd because my life is that awesome. I don't care if my number is slowly back. Go back down again. I want to go home. I haven't been home. Remember last week when I was talking about work, working in Nashville? Just a good old boy. Remember that? Never mean in no harm. I don't mean no harm. Shit, I'm just fucking stupid.

Yeah, I'm still on the fucking road. I went from Nashville. Wednesday. I flew to Nashville and I did shows. What was it Thursday? I don't remember. I'm seeing double right now. I have no fucking idea. Oh no wait, Wednesday and then I did shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I flew to New York. I ran my Letterman set.

Right in front of fucking these New Zealand water polo team the night before. Of course it ate its balls. Then I went on the Letterman show, right? When it counted I fucking delivered. You know fucked up in the end thought he was going for another handshake. I was like I'll oblige and he was like no I don't think so and I was like hey it's your show. Other than that I thought it was pretty smooth if I do say so myself. So I got that out of the way. Then I had two days to hang in New York and then I came down to New Jersey.

And I'm like this is going to be great. I got the pressure Letterman off me. That's off my fucking back and now what? Now what do I do? I get to go to one of my favorite clubs in the country. The Stress Factory. I was already talking to Vinnie Brand, the club owner. He's got a boat. We were going to go out on his boat on Sunday.

Everything was going to be great. All the shows were fucking sold out. Had a great time. And then what happens? These fucking nerds on the weather channel. What do they do? They turn out all the lights in their studio and they put a flashlight under their chin. And just start scaring the living shit out of people. And you know what kills me is every fucking time people buy into it. I was joking about it all weekend. I'm like nothing's going to happen.

I'm in my hotel room. I don't even have a fucking Snickers bar. Nothing's going to happen. You're going to be fine. All these people going out gathering up fucking food for what? People do you realize how long you can go without food? Food is no big deal. You need water. That's what the fuck you need. That's what you need. I'm actually looking here on whogivesafuck.com.

How long can a person survive without food and water? Basically it depends on a number of factors such as body weight, genetic variations, other health considerations, whether you're a fat fuck or not. Most importantly the presence or absence of dehydration. As long as you got water people, you can basically go 46 to about 73 days without food. Then that was based on 10 individuals who died on a hunger strike. And they all died between 46 days and 73 days. As long as they drank water.

If you don't have water, I believe you're dead in about 3 days. Alright? So enough with the fucking milk and eggs. All these soccer moms now for the next fucking 3 weeks. Who wants cereal? Who wants what you have in cereal and you have it in omelet? This isn't going to go to waste. These fucking people telling you to fill up your goddamn bathtub full of water. Just in case. Jesus fucking Christ.

I'd rather die than drink out of my bathtub. Alright? I washed my fucking dog in there. I'm not drinking out of that thing. Why can't I just stick my head out the window and drink the raindrops? I think those windows be cleaner. Then the goddamn tub that I washed my dog in and then hit with chemicals. I love stomach cancer by the time the fucking rescue boat comes.

You just get water everybody. Get water, get yourself a couple of fucking zag nut bars. And then go down to a goddamn 7-11 and go buy an eight dollar poncho. You're fine. You're in a house. You're fine. Fucking people with weather change. They cost me half my goddamn gig money.

We could have had shows. We could have had shows Saturday night. It was raining hard Saturday night. It could have done both shows. Everybody could have got their fucking laughs. Everybody goes home and then at night. Oogily boogily. The fucking hurricane.

Oh, hurricanes come through the northeast. It's like an old prize fighter by the time it comes to us. It's all fucking punch drunk and people have no business standing out in it because they should have got knocked out, have no fucking problem, and they just sit there laughing at it. Alright? That's what it is. That's what a hurricane is in the northeast.

You know, when it's down south, it's Cassius Clay. Right before he becomes Muhammad Ali. By the time it gets up to Jersey and New York, it's fucking Ali when he fought Larry Holmes. Every fucking time. Yet, these people, they all run out the weather channel. How long you guys, you guys think Fox News lies to you? Or CNN, depending on what side of the political fence you're on?

You want to see some lies? Put on the weather channel. Any time there's a storm, scaring the shit out of you, every time there's going to be, it's going to be four to six inches. Holy shit, that's almost up to my calves. How will I ever get to where the food is? Four to six inches. Jesus Christ.

Who are they talking to? 80-year-olds? Even then, you know, 80-year-old people, they'll be fine. They're already wearing a sweater. They're dressed for a blizzard year-round. Does anybody work for the weather channel? Does anybody listen to my podcast? Can you please tell me?

Well, who's behind? Yeah, I think the supermarkets are behind that. Right? Ralph's, Shaw's, Gelson's, fucking Whole Foods, all of them. That's their payola. You know, with the big-time corporations, they wait for the political elections. That's when they start throwing their money around

and start calling up a truck full of hookers to go blow some Bible-belt and douchebag, right? I'm married, I got five kids. I love my wife, and I love Jesus. Support the troops, right? Then what do they do? They throw a big pile of money at them, have two, three whores drop to their knees,

and what happens next, huh? He comes on his blue blazer. That's what happens, everybody. Goes all over his red tie, and then he goes, ah, Jesus Christ. All right, you got me. You own me. You got video of it.

Just tell me what you want me to do. I will pass any bill you want me to pass. For the love of God, don't let my wife see that. That's basically how that works. Well, let's stay on track here. Okay, the fucking weather, does anybody listen to my podcast? Work?

Did they ever work? Can you give me any sort of anonymous behind-the-fucking-scenes over there? Why every time it's just going to rain? Do they scare the living shit out of us? Why is that? You know? How often are they right?

It's always downgraded to a tropical storm by the time it comes here. Someone was telling me the entire East Coast, the way it's shaped, that's from years of hurricanes, comes right into Florida and Georgia, South Carolina, gets in a nice fucking uppercut

to their southern balls and then slows the fuck down right over to Carolina, Virginia. You know? Then what? Time it hits DC. Barack Obama's out on the porch, drying off his nuts with those nice wind.

That nice hurricane wind, right? Oh, Jesus. I don't know what I'm talking about. I just want to fucking go home. I was actually thinking, you know, when you fuck up in life, if I could just go back 48 hours how I would do this differently,

there's an avus in the lobby of my... Jesus, there's a callback. Remember this time we left this comedian? He was always late. We had a car service to the airport. We were so sick of waiting for him, we were going to miss our flight.

We just took off without him. We said, fuck him. And we got halfway to the airport and he calls up, all pissed off. He's like, yo, where the fuck were you? Where the fuck were you? We're like, dude, we waited for you 20 minutes. You didn't show up.

And he's like, I was in the lobby. And that became the catchphrase for the rest of the tour. I was in the lobby. Anytime you fucked up and people were calling you on some shit, you went over your time. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

I was in the lobby. Oh, and it made us laugh. I don't know if it made you laugh. I don't give a shit. What are you expecting from me? I'm stranded. I feel like I'm being held hostage and my captors forgot about me, you know?

Or maybe it was just all a practical joke. I have no idea. So whatever, here I sit. You know, is there anything sadder than a stranded comedian with no shows to do? They got a 24-hour gym downstairs. I haven't used it. I've been talking to you guys about all the way to eat,

the way to lose weight. I haven't been doing it. I'm eating pizzas. I had fish and chips today. I had fucking hamburgers. This is all during a hurricane. Big, bad hurricane, I ringed. Fucking overrated.

So I'm sitting here. I realized, you know, tomorrow I'm like, finally I'm getting the fuck out of here. Go home. I can see my girl. I can see my dog, right? I can have a good fucking time. You know?

Can cruise around in my hybrid. That's what I was looking forward to doing. And all of a sudden I realized that was stranded here. So what do I do? Do I handle it like a man? Or do I start cursing like a little bitch? You know what the answer is. So once I'm done having my fucking temper tantrum.

Excuse me? I ask the fish and chips. I say, all right, I'm going to rent a fucking, rent a movie here in the hotel. So I go to rent a movie. It's called catching hell. It's a documentary about the guy with the glasses who was at the Cubs game who reached up

for that foul ball that Moises Alou was allegedly going to catch. So I hit the info to watch the trailer and they're talking about, they got this guy on there going and says how he worked for Sports Illustrated and his assignment was to find this guy. What the fuck his name was? Steve Mizorak?

I don't know. I'm not from Chicago, so I don't give a shit. I don't know what his name is. All right? He goes, my assignment was to find this guy and he goes, my heart sank. You know? Because I actually felt for this guy.

I didn't want to go see him. And I said to my editor, why can't we just leave this guy alone? Can't we just leave the guy alone? And he goes, no, go find him. And then they start showing the highlights of this dude. And for those of you who don't know the play, basically the Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908. You know?

They're a game away from going, they're five outs away from going to the fucking World Series. Sorry to all the Cubs fans. Just hit fucking mute for the next 10 minutes. They got the five outs away. So some dude, right, left-handed batter hits a slicing foul down the left field line. It's right there and the Cubs left fielder, Moises Alou.

He's got a chance to make a play. And all these fans reach up to grab the ball, but it just hits one guy. And Moises Alou flips out because he doesn't catch it and he sort of yells towards the fans like, what the fuck? I could have caught that. And then after that, the wheels start falling off.

But they got a double play ball. Gonzalez could have made it, but he booted it and then they let up eight runs. They lose the game and then they lose game seven and then everybody wants to murder this fucking kid. So this guy is basically sold that they're going to basically interview the guys as far as I could fucking tell. Oh my Jesus Christ, that's fascinating.

Let me watch this. God knows I got the time. Let me watch this movie. All right? So I go to order it and it doesn't allow me to. So I got to call downstairs to have the, you know, I don't know what somebody had kids or something. They didn't want to rent a porno.

So I had to get that, you know, switched over so I could actually be an adult and pick out a movie. So I watched this fucking thing. All right? About the Cubs, about their history, about their curse, about this poor bastard that got used as the scapegoat. This is what I was sold.

This is the bill of goods I was sold. Okay? After 36 hours of being lied to by the fucking weather channel, I want some truth in my life. This is what you're telling me this thing is about. This is how you're advertising it. I want to see it. Do you know what the first 15 minutes of that movie was?

It was taking me through the Red Sox in 1986 as they excruciatingly slowly replayed the Bill Buckner incident. And I'm sitting there watching it. And all of a sudden, I'm looking at Bill Buckner. I'm like, what, did I order the wrong fucking thing? I don't want to see this shit. Do you understand? This is like my baseball 9-11.

I don't ever want to, you know that, like the 10-year anniversary of 9-11's coming up and like, I don't want to watch any of that. I don't ever want to see that footage again. Like, how the fuck could you ever forget it? It's absolutely fucking horrific. Horrific. I don't want to see it.

I don't need to see it to remember it. It's not Pearl Harbor. My grandmother still doesn't like Japanese people because of Pearl Harbor, okay? If she could remember that shit, I don't think I got a problem remembering something 10 fucking years ago, okay? So now, anyways, total fucking tangent there.

So I'm watching this thing, and for the first 20, just to warn Red Sox fucking fans, the first fucking 15 minutes of this movie is the Bill Buckner thing. The thing that we left behind. It's so funny because Paul Versey just texted me the night before during the hurricane. Typical fucking Yankee fan.

Typical Yankee fan living in the past, right? He texted me. He goes, hey, Bill, what was worse for a Red Sox fan? He goes, Buckner or Aaron Boone? Just out of nowhere. We weren't even talking baseball. And I was just like... I was like, neither, dude.

It's like, I don't even think about that shit anymore, to be honest with you. And then he gets mad at me. Typical Red Sox fan. Terrible fucking answer, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know what he wanted out of me. So I just texted him back. It's like, dude, I haven't thought about that shit

since 2004. It's over. You know what it is? It's Yankee fans used to be able to bully Red Sox fans about that shit because we hadn't won one forever. You know? So they just...

I think that they miss. They're kind of like our big brother, who just beat the shit out of us forever. And then one day we were the same height and kicked the shit out of him. You know? And then they just, they... It was over.

We're not scaredy anymore. We expect to beat you. It's fucking over. And I think they still don't know what to do. You know? Wait a minute. We used to tease you and we used to always win. And yeah, now you don't.

Now you don't. You've got this, the biggest choke of all fucking time is hung around your neck. That'll never be beaten. When do you guys think another 220 million, 10 million dollar team, whatever the fuck it was, with five first ballot hall famers is gonna lose four games in a row,

have to beat up three games to none? I'm asking you. To a fucking team that hasn't won a World Series in like a hundred years. Right? He had just asked me about that. And I swear to God, I had not thought about Buckner... Yeah, since like 2004.

It was fucking, it was over. It was great. I don't even give a shit now. I don't even give a shit. And I gotta tell you, it's phenomenal to sit down and watch a Red Sox game and expect something good to happen. And when something bad happens,

you get upset at the player rather than some sort of specter or some sort of ghost or some uggily boogily horseshit, right? So... I'm going to watch this fucking thing and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they're showing...

I mean, dude, they broke... They almost broke down Bill Buckner more than they broke down this poor Cubs fan. And in the end, the dude doesn't get the interview. There's no interview. They just... But I still recommend it. I'm still recommending it

because they show... They talk to the people. Some people... They found the people who threw beer at him. They talked to the security guard. He was removing him, giving him shit that he now feels bad that he did. And they have the footage of him

going out of the ballpark and putting a jacket over him. It's fucking amazing what happens to this dude. And I totally recommend it. But I just... There should have been some sort of warning for a Red Sox fan. Like walking...

Running into your old psycho girlfriend. Somebody who stalked you or something. Just somebody you just hadn't even thought about. 2004, 7 years. I haven't thought about that shit. I haven't even thought about that in fucking 7 years. And all of a sudden,

this documentary about the Cubs, they just go blow by blow through the Buckner thing. I guess they wanted to show how Buckner was used as the scapegoat, despite the fact Bob Stanley threw the wild pitch. And now this kid was used as the scapegoat for the Cubs, despite the fact that Gonzalez booted a fucking double-play ball,

which would have got him out of the inning. I don't know. It's definitely interesting, but I was more than upset. They even show the Aaron Boone homerun, which I don't even remember, because that was basically annoying for about 12 months. Because it was immediately rectified.

But it was just one of those things. I don't fucking know. But I gotta be honest with you, I never really felt bad for Cubs fans. I never did, because they didn't have that anger. They're the Midwest. I don't know what it is. They're positive.

I don't know what it is. They just didn't have that anger or misery. You know, with the Red Sox back in the day, it was every Yankee's success was our failure. And with the Cubs, they just, you know, hey, let's play, too. Zippity-doo-dah! It was like a big fucking keg party.

You know? It's like they didn't even give a shit. Even that their curse was stupid. The curse of the goat was just fucking stupid. It made no sense. It's a ballpark. You got a goat. It doesn't belong here.

Let's get it out of here. I curse you, really. Any fucking ways. So they actually bring up what, like, scapegoat. I'm actually ruining this entire thing. You probably don't have to fucking run it. They start talking about what is, how they came up with that terminology,

the scapegoat, and it went back to religion. Oh, geez. That I guess back in the day, I don't know what the hell religion it was. They're all fucking stupid when you really get down to it. Other than they do unto other stuff that every religion has. They would basically have a goat. They'd bring a goat in and I'm thinking,

all right, they're going to sacrifice it or whatever. And they wouldn't. The priest would lay his hands on a goat for once, instead of some unsuspecting child. Oh, a little molestation joke for you. How'd you guys like that? Huh? Do you like that on your Monday?

Do you think that that was crossing the line? Well, fuck you. I'm stranded in New Jersey. Fucking New Jersey. Huh? Jesus Christ, what a bunch of animals. You don't amaze me about New Jersey is how they still support John Bon Jovi,

or the Bon Jovi band, to the point that that band can sell out giant stadium. Still. Unbelievable. That's Jersey for you. 70,000 people singing along. Fucking acid wash as far as the eye can see. Dirty Jersey.

Actually, I think New Jersey underrated is New Jersey. It's fucking phenomenal. All these New York snobs. Paul Versey being one of them. I'm really trashing him this week. Paul Versey's your typical New York snob. And I hope you're listening to this, Paul. Or I hope when somebody sends this to you.

Yeah, he's a snob. He's one of those guys who just thinks because he's on the other side of an imaginary line that all of a sudden... I don't know what. That the trees are greener. The grass is green. I don't know what the fuck it is.

You know what I really realize? Like most New Yorkers judge New Jersey on their drive to Newark Airport when they go by all those chemical plants. Look at it. It's a fucking shithole. Oh! Right?

Despite the fact that all some of the most major celebrities live here. What do you think they live? Next to the plant? You know? All those fucking guys down on Wall Street. The children of the Illuminati. They all live out there in Red Bank

with their fucking Rockefeller estates. I know, but they got New Jersey license plates there for it. It must suck. Anyways, let's get back to the scapegoat. So basically, the priest would take a day off from Diddle and Kids and he'd lay his hands on a farm animal.

And one would think he would grab the horns and then start fornicating. But that's another story. What they would do with the goat is he'd lay his hands on it and he would basically somehow, I guess after everybody confessed to this douchebag, he would then place all of the sins on the goat

and then they would just banish the goat and send it out of town with all the sins and then everybody's souls were going to be clean again. But this is the funny thing. As the goat left, people would line up on either side of the street and they would heckle the goat and cheer at him.

You fucking adulterous piece of shit. Why don't you jerk off again, you cunt. Just yelling about the sins that they did. I don't know what it was. Yeah, keep stealing from the pot at work. Yourself is prick. Yelling at a farm animal. You know, I swear to God,

I'd love to have a segment on here of all the stupid fucking things that they do in religion, that people, you know... There's no fucking way there wasn't somebody like me back then going, dude, this is fucking... Why are we yelling at a goat?

You know? I mean, you banged somebody's fucking wife, you stole money from work. You know? You booted an old lady in the ass. Do you really think it's in the goat now and it's just walking? I just don't fucking get it.

Even if they filled your head up with it as a kid, at some point, you gotta be looking at it like this is a fucking goat. It's got nothing to do with it. So anyways, they would just cheer at this thing and they'd send it out of town and then everybody would be absolved. And I don't know where the goat would go.

Sometimes they say they'd take the goat and they would throw it off a cliff. You know? I don't know. It's extra painful for me because I fucking love goats. I really do. I was actually feeding some this morning.

I don't know what it is about them. I think they're fucking hilarious. You know? I got this buddy who lives out here, right? He's got this giant house. All this fucking land. And he's got farm animals on it. And I'm thinking he's got these fucking things

because he's like me. He thinks goats are funny or whatever. And it isn't. I found out that there's tax laws out here that if you farm on your land, you only have to pay property taxes on one acre. So he went out and got these goats. He doesn't even give a shit about them.

Can you fucking believe it? He's got like 10 goddamn goats. And he has to go out there with his bucket of feed every day. He's got to feed these things. And his heart isn't in it. That's what kills me. It's just, just pay the taxes. If I, it would be worth it to not get up there

with that lunch pail of Cheerios every fucking morning. Jesus fucking Christ. What is wrong? It's just money. It's paper. You just, you know, work a couple extra hours. Fuck it. What do I owe you?

You sit down. You write numbers on a piece of paper. You stick it in a magic envelope. You fucking lick it. You send it out. Next. Jesus Christ. You're going to sit there and have a bunch of goddamn livestock.

This fucking guy, I swear to God. If you had a giraffe, what do you guys want? What do you guys want? Hang on. This is the hotel. Yeah. Sorry about that. I had to go answer the phone.

I couldn't even figure out how to work the fucking phone. It's probably somebody above me. That's probably yelling too loud. God knows what they were mad about. You know, just thinking about some of this shit I've made fun of. You know, Jesus. Beastiality and Bon Jovi. You know, they all hold the same weight here in New Jersey.

The hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah. This fucking guy, I swear to God. He would get a giraffe. He'd get like five giraffes if he only had to pay like a quarter acre tax. That always amazes me when people like that end the money. You know? I mean, I obviously give a fuck about money.

I want to have enough to survive. But, uh, the amount of shit that didn't work and I never took it back just blows my mind. I've probably kept at least 25 grand worth of shit that doesn't work in my life. I just got, ah, you gotta be shit. Hey, see? What the fucking problem? He's fucking pieces of shit. I go off.

Then my girl goes, oh, why don't you return it? I'm not doing that shit. Standing down there with the sales slip like some angry old fucking lady. I'm not doing it. Who the hell would be calling me? Now I'm all self-conscious. Not whatever. If I'm too loud, knock on my door.

I swear to God, I bet it was the Bon Jovi shit. Um, anyways, let's get on with the podcast. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. If you're new to this podcast, welcome. Um, this is yes. And if you're thinking this is extra dirty and extra angry this week, no. This is how it is every fucking week. All right.

Do one of these every week. I do them on Monday mornings because I know most people hate their jobs. Well, they hate their commute. They hate their spouse. Well, they hate themselves, you know, and they need, they need a break. And it's also a great way to whore out wherever the fuck I'm going to be. Um, speaking of which, I am going to be in Columbus, Columbus, Ohio at the funny bone down at the mall, not bragging on the, uh, September 9th, 10th and 11th.

That is my next gig. I'm going to try to go to that, uh, Ohio State game. You know, it's in September. That's always a dangerous one, you know, to go to a college football game in September. Who are they playing? Huh? They playing Wentworth Technical Institute. You know, I'm new to college football the last couple of years and evidently that's

what they do. They got all their cupcake games in the beginning of the year. And I guess these other colleges, uh, they pay money to, to play these giant teams and get the living shit kicked out of them on television just to, I don't know what to expose, to get TV exposure for their school. I have no idea. Speaking of scapegoats, their entire fucking division three team goes out there. A bunch of, up against a bunch of roided up division one guys or whatever the fuck they're

doing now. I don't know. And then they get the shit kicked out of them. But I don't know. Every once in a while, an Appalachian mountain state, uh, community college will beat a Michigan. So I don't know who they're playing that weekend, but I'm going to go down there. Uh, I was looking forward to it until I spent fucking 14 straight days on the road. But, uh, anyways, the podcast, um, anyways, if you want, if you want to me to read any

emails, any questions you have and you're underrated, overrated, uh, send them to bill at the mm podcast.com. If you like to follow along on the podcast, go to www.themmpodcast.com. Now a lot of you guys keep just typing in mm podcast.com and like, what the fuck? I can't find it. It's the mm podcast.com like the Ohio State University. Okay. That's what it is.

That's where all the YouTube videos videos are. That's where you can contact me and all of that stuff. We have a donation button. If you'd like to, um, donate any sort of money towards the podcast, we'd greatly appreciate it. And, uh, we also have, uh, the podcast select. And this is where I interview interesting people. I've only done one of them, but I like to speak of them as if it's a giant library.

I got one that 99 cents is a great way to contribute 99 cents. And he gets something. If you want to listen to NFL football star, right? Tackle E from Salam. Talk about trying to rip somebody's voice box out as they, as the guy tried to fucking break his arm. That interview is there. And, uh, I will be doing Monday morning podcast selects as I meet interesting guests.

That's how I'm doing them. All right. When somebody, uh, somebody different, okay? Because, uh, I don't want to interview other comedians. I just feel too many podcasts are doing that. I've done too many podcasts talking about comedy. I don't have any comedy stories left. I really don't.

And I got to be honest with you, aside from a couple of people who are really good interviewers, the Mark Marins, Joe Rogan's and that type of shit. Uh, I probably should have saved most of them for, uh, the unmasked that I did with, uh, Ron from Ron and Fez. I don't know where you can find that, but I did one of those this past week. And, uh, I just been running my yap all fucking week. Why don't we get to something entertaining here? Uh, somebody sent me a, um, this YouTube video this week.

You really have to watch it. Okay. It's one of those shows. Basically it's a rip off of the view. It's four broad sitting around and they got, you know, the same thing. You know, they got the older one. They got the sexy one. They got the one who was fat and then got her fucking stomach tied up like a goddamn balloon knot.

Now she's dropping weight faster than a junkie. Right. I didn't know if that's true. I just looked around. You know, they got the racially mixed chick and they all got on their fucking shoes. Right. They're little outfits. Hang on a second.

Hang on a second. I'll let you know what this is. All right. You guys aren't going to believe this shit. That was security. And they just said that they, they had a noise complaint. There was a lot of, uh, the guy comes to, I go to the door, right? This is so pathetic that at 43 I'm getting reprimanded.

I feel like I'm in fucking high school and I talk like it too. Um, let me adjust the levels here or maybe you turn up yours because I don't want to get kicked out of here. Um, so I open the door and there's a security guard and he goes, uh, are you Ben? And I'm like, no. Cause I know he, I know that he knows my name's Bill. But this is the thing. When security interrogates you, you never offer any information. You know, are you bent?

No. And I'm like, is there anything else I can help you with? And he's like, uh, he looks down on a piece of paper. Oh, are you Bill? And I was like, yes. Yes, I am. And he goes, uh, yeah, we, uh, we got a noise complaint from people on either side of you. Uh, these are VIP rooms on either side of you and, uh, talking about, uh, it's very loud.

There's a lot of cursing. And I'm like, all right. He goes, is there anyone else? No, wait, wait, wait. He told me, can you step out in the hall? And I go, for what? He goes, I need you to step out in the hall. And I said, for what?

And then he just goes into his spiel. You know, what the fuck do I need to step out in the hall for? Am I going to be able to hear you better? You know, sitting there acting like your goddamn state trooper with your fucking sport coat on. It has the name of the hotel and the lapel. I'm supposed to step out in the hall. I don't know who you are. Right.

I'm such a dick. It's ridiculous. Right. So I made him basically say, I just stood in the doorway and he asked me, he goes, is there anybody else in there? And I was like, no. And then he, that's what he basically said that I'm being too loud. Jesus Christ.

I was cursing. I think it was, you realize that he said there's people on either side trying to sleep. And I was singing Bon Jovi songs at the top of my fucking lungs. All right. I was also talking about bestiality and I was trashing Jesus. You know what? This hotel is cool as hell because when you really think about it, they probably should have kicked me out.

All right. So this is going to be my voice for the rest. This is Bill on punishment voice. I'd like to apologize to everybody here at the Sheridan. Anyways, you know what? Some rich cunts on the other side of the door with a fucking piece of one of those really fancy glasses that they think came from France but actually came from a fucking pottery barn. If you can hear me, go fuck yourself.

This is what you get for nuke in the economy. All right. So anyway, so I'm watching this show. These four fucking brats on it. Okay. This is nothing too. He told me this is your one and only warning next time you will be, did he say ejected from the hotel?

He had such hacky security, like terminology, you know? I don't fucking know. Do you know how bad I just want to yell cunt at the top of my lungs right now and get ejected from the fucking hotel just so I can get out of Jersey? Maybe I should call up Paul Versey and tell me to, you know, fuck that. That's what I'm going to do. After this podcast, I'm calling up Paul Versey and I'm having them coming down and get me. All right.

You don't fucking threaten me next time I come up here. What are you, my fucking dad? Fucking douchebag. Christ, I swear to God. You know what's funny about the male voice is it carries. You haven't noticed that? When there's a couple next door, you can never hear the woman's voice. You just hear the guy every once in a while go.

Yeah, you never hear the brunt, so I'm probably going to get kicked out. What do I do? You know what? Go fuck yourself. I'll take a cab back to New York. Then of course they probably won't show up because they're still afraid. They're afraid of the weather channel. Anyway, so these four fucking broads are on TV, right?

And they ended up, they're talking about that guy. They're doing that story, you know, that story where that dude got his dick cut off. I'm going to have to raise the levels here. There we go. How's that? Is that better? All right. So they're talking about that guy who got his dick cut off.

His wife drugged him, tied him to a bed, cut his dick off, threw it in a garbage disposal and turned it on. And it was basically because he wanted to get a divorce from her. She mutilated him. She ended the guy's fucking life. And he saw quality life is over. And these women are talking about it. And lo and behold, it's fucking hilarious to him.

They had all they could do to keep a straight face during the first minute of setting up the story and then all the jokes come and they're laughing their fucking asses off. It's the funniest fucking thing ever. And this right here, it's because of that type of shit that I don't feel that I am misogynistic. I just don't. I think that I am just like women. I trash women the way they trash guys. It's just nobody pays attention to the broads.

They don't. Do you think if a guy mutilated a woman in any shape or form that four guys on a pregame NFL show would be laughing about it? You know? Sharon Osborn was the guest and she goes, somebody asked, do you think the guy deserved? And she goes, well, it depends on what he did. You know, I mean, that thought is totally overlaps the thought of those morons in the Middle East who cut women's clits off.

You know, it's fucking medieval thought and it's just considered silly. I don't know what it is. I don't know, but it maintains what I've always fucking said that women will do to you exactly what they don't want you to do to them if you let them. And I think why so many guys are miserable in marriages is they get married too fucking young before they really know how to stick up for themselves in a relationship. And that's why before you know it, you're married and all your shit is either in the basement or the garage and she's barely touching it.

And and you're wondering what the fuck happened to your life. You know, I don't know. The video is is going to be up on the mmpodcast.com. You know something? This is actually, I like this talking like this. This is very challenging to try and be funny with a late night DJ voice. All right, this next chunk of the podcast goes out to the ladies. Ladies, if you're out there in your single.

Hang in there. There's a date rapist on the horizon. This next song, great me by Nirvana goes out to all you cunts. I know there's somebody some Vanderbilt on either side of me going he's cursing again. Anyways, being on the road. What did I want to talk about bitches laughing at dick being cut off already talked about that wanting to go home talked about that. All right, last week I was we showed that YouTube clip about that guy running on that

soccer field and getting you know, getting beat down by the cops and then the crowd overwhelms the cops and beats down the cops. And I wanted to hear from the police officers to just ask basically why there's such dicks when they pull you over. Not in a judgment the way but just I'm just basically asking the question the way all drivers talk. So we have a cop responding here. He says, Hey, Bill, not all cops are assholes.

Some are just lazy. The summer after my sophomore year. Oh, no, no, no, this is a different one. What the fuck is the one from the cop? That's the one I want to hear. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Let's see if I can read this before being ejected from the hotel. You know, it's gonna be the worst is if I do get ejected. This guy's gonna be standing here with the security fucking jacket on in my hotel room watching me gather my things. So once again, I already have a game plan for that. If I come, if there's another knock at my door, I'm not opening it. I'm going to look through the peephole and I'm talking through the door. Sir, we open the door, please.

I'm going to go. Why? Because I'm just going to ask him straight out. Am I being ejected from the hotel? Yes, sir. You need to let me in. And I'll just bolt the door and I'm going to be like, listen, I'm going to gather my things. I'll be out there in five minutes.

You just sit tight. All right. You with no fucking badge. All right. What are you going to do? Take off your shoe. Is that what you're going to do? Try and throw it through the crack in the door.

It's not going to hit me. What a fucking asshole. Can you step up into the lobby, into the hallway, please? Have to fuck yourself. Huh? You fucking half a cop. You half a security guard. Well, I step out into the hotel.

No, I won't. Okay, then I'll just stay there then. You douchebag. Anyways, let's plow ahead. So here's a cup. Okay, Bill. The thing about this job is basically that we have no fucking idea who we are dealing with at any given time.

Just because someone looks sweet and innocent and just because the situation isn't likely to escalate doesn't mean that they're not capable of murder or that the situation may be pear-shaped quickly. I don't even know what that means. Pear-shaped? I don't know what a pear is shaped like. What shape is it before it goes pear-shaped? Is it an apple shape?

Listen, buddy, you can't talk shop because you're going to lose me. I'm not that brighter guy. Anyways, I can't tell you how many times that someone said to me, like, I'm going to do anything. People, oh, what about that person running upstairs, huh? Like, can you eject that eight-year-old out of the fucking hotel? Alright. You know, I feel like right now, like, either I'm announcing a golf match or I'm reporting live from a hostage situation.

Okay, they're talking to him right now. He still has the weapon up to the woman's head. You can clearly see that she's frightening. There's somebody flanking him on the left. Okay, he doesn't like that. Okay, he's fired a shot. It missed and, oh, they just took him down. Oh my God, he's been shot in the head.

And they have the woman. Anyways, here we go. Plowing ahead here. So anyways, the amount of times this guy pulls people over and the person behind the wheel says, like, I'm going to do anything. People think that I know, oh, the people, the drivers and stuff, think that I know them their whole lives and know that they're incapable of harming anyone, but I don't. I always think back to the Academy and all the videos we watched of cops getting killed

or nearly killed because they made one mistake or had a lapse in the paranoia that keeps us safe. See that? I knew it. I knew it was something that they showed them at the Academy. I said another thing to remember is that there is a gun at every call and every traffic stop, the gun on my belt. No man is invincible and a lucky punch can knock me unconscious, leaving me vulnerable to them taking my weapon and killing me or others.

For this reason, we like to keep some distance. We don't like to be touched and above all, we can't allow people to get the opportunity to take control of our weapon. So when someone squarely are not listening to my commands, they may get cuffed and put in the back of my car until everything is figured out. They may not like it, but I am going home at the end of my shift, not to the morgue. That leaves another point of control. No one likes to be bossed around and told what to do. But when the police are there, we're there for a reason.

Someone called us or we have a reason to believe that we're needed. Once we're there, we have to be in control. We call the shots, not forgo or to be on a power trip, but because if we lose control, we're fucked. It's our ass if someone gets hurt in our present and it's literally our ass if we get hurt or killed. If someone thinks that they can do what they want or walk over me, how am I supposed to do my job? As for the videos you recently posted, those cops with the name changer were absolutely terrible. If there is a lawful warrant for that guy's arrest, despite the reason it is their job to arrest him.

The suspect knew about the warrant. I don't know what video this is. It didn't take care of it. Now he has to see a judge. They should have used much more force to take him into custody. But the reality of it is you can't just be able to keep passively resisting a cop until the cops let you go. They can't let you go. Alright, here we go.

The video at the stadium was disturbing. They shouldn't have been obviously jabbing the guy with their batons, but they had the right to take him into custody. People running around sports fields isn't and shouldn't be tolerated. Are they supposed to stop the game and wait for him to be finished with running around? What if he assaulted or killed an athlete? Then everyone would be crying that the cops didn't do anything. There's a great point. Also, when we deal with people, 90% of the possible danger from them is their hands.

If you're laying on your hands and I can't see them, I will expect the worst. How am I supposed to know that they aren't laying on a weapon? When I want your hand, give me your hand or I will use force to get them out. There you go. One last thing is tasers. They are amazing tools. I've been tased in training and yes, it sucks, but it beats getting thumped or shot. Where in the old days, a guy may get the crap beat out of him or his brain concussed.

Now he gets an electric ride for five seconds. It's also amazing because the suspect can be cuffed while being tased. Basically less chance for everyone to get seriously hurt. Why should I risk getting seriously hurt or killed going hands-on with someone when they can just be tased? You know what somebody told me a long time ago? If you get pulled over by a cop, a great way to help them relax and maybe bring down them being a dick to you is have your hands where they can see them. If it's during the day, I always put them right on the steering wheel. I get pulled over a lot, by the way.

Not as much, I guess back in the day I did, because I used to just drive 80 miles an hour anywhere I was going. There's only so many fucking farms you can look at. You know what's funny is I'm still nervous about getting thrown out of here. The only reason why is because some of the roads are washed out and I don't know where the fuck I would go. But I don't know why I'm nervous because I am now speaking in a speaking tone. If I'm not allowed to speak, you know? This is actually great stuff. What if I show the hotel security my hands? Maybe he'll allow me to stay.

So anyways, I put my hands right on top of the steering wheel where they can see them. If it's a sunny day, I have one hanging out the car window where they can see it, and the other one I just put on top of my head like an ape chilling out in the zoo. You know when they sit there and they just have that one arm draped over their head. I sit like that. And then when they show up, I just have my hands on the steering wheel. And you know what? They're still assholes. You know, it's kind of a crapshoot, you know?

But I think this guy brought up a lot of great points. What the fuck is he supposed to do? And that's a great point. If the guy ran on the field and did something to an athlete, then they would blame the security. And they would be screaming and yelling at them, you know? Which probably goes back to the Weather Channel. That if they don't scare the living shit out of people, that they would get blamed for not warning people. But I think it has more to do with scaring people. It gives them great ratings.

So I don't know. Any more cops want to weigh in? Here's one for you. I want to know what do you guys think about that? You can anonymously talk about this as cops. That kid who got shot on the subway platform and died New Year's Day in Oakland. The dude definitely wasn't being compliant. He definitely wasn't giving them, showing him his hands. And this guy, I don't know, he's like the Manchurian candidate. All of a sudden the guy said the wrong thing.

The guy's laying on his stomach. One cop's got his foot on his neck. I mean, the dude is down. And all of a sudden this one kid just stood up, takes out a gun and just shoots the guy right in the back. And the dude's like, what the fuck, you shot me? And he ended up dying. You know? What about that one? That's one...

This is what I should say for the podcast. Because that's what I want to ask. And then I want to just have somebody go on there anonymously. And just say what you think about it. Should have that cop gone to jail? Because he got... What basically usually happens when a cop shoots somebody is he got off. I don't know.

But I don't want to do this whole cop thing, attacking cops. I'd like to try to create some sort of forum where you can actually anonymously present your side and not worry about pissing off other cops. Or worry about pissing off victims or any of that type of shit. Because I think it's... I don't know. It's one of those things for some reason. I guess I know why the reason is. It's too much shit at stake so people don't talk about it. That could have been a lot more fun topic.

I didn't have to speak in my time out voice. This is officially the first MM podcast time out. Oh no, wait a minute. That fucking old bastard downstairs. You know something? I think I'm a loud asshole. I think that that's what it is, you know? On both sides of the country, I've been told that I'm too loud and I need to shut the fuck up. So, you know, at some point you gotta look in the mirror and realize it's you. Alright, let's plow ahead of here.

Alright, advice for the week. Bill, I've known this young lady for a few years and we're very fond of each other. But she has a possessive boyfriend with a stupid haircut and a couple of times when she's broken up with him, she's come to me. But then she goes back to macro man. This is the thing that bothers me. Whenever things have gotten sexual between us, like I go down on her and blow her fucking mind. This guy has definitely got confidence.

He goes, she never returns the favor. She gets disgusted. She even gets disgusted if I sulk in my seat that I didn't get any. Dude, sulking is like, I'm not gonna sit here and act like I know what turns women on. But I can tell you the exact opposite of turning a woman on. If you want to have the exact opposite, Spanish fly would be sulking. Nothing makes her pussy dry up like sulking. Just let you know right there, okay?

But nothing makes it wetter with complete indifference. Anyways, once she said callously, after the guy went down on her and then she didn't get a blow job, she once callously said, have a wank to alleviate my horniness after having her completely naked on my chair, worshiping her and pleasuring her holes. Jesus Christ, buddy. Thank God I'm not yelling. That one right there would have kicked me out. It was just me with the Styrofoam cup. Another time when we had intercourse, we were drunk, she stopped me halfway through

and she even stopped halfway through a shit doing you a favor hand job. She's never made me come. These are the only examples of when she tried to get me off and I'm a good looking chappy, so it's not that. Recently, I boycotted her body. I said, let's be friends to be strictly platonic. I won't even play with her norks. I'm guessing that's her titties.

This has had the result of her trying to rekindle things like the old magic. If she's not that into me, what the fuck is going on? I'm finished with her, but any insights you can give is a treasure. Alright, first of all, dude, you're not finished with her. Just halfway through writing that, you probably realized what a sap you were being. Okay, first of all, who's couldn't who? You're fucking with the psycho. Alright, and I don't know, this is a very touchy one to talk about here,

but this girl strikes me as one of those girls who wants to be put in her place and wants to be bent over something and wants a guy to tell her what the fuck is what. Okay, consensually. Do you understand what I mean? Hey, don't take this the wrong way, go in and just fucking give her a forearm shiver. I'm not saying to do that. Some girls are cunts and they know they're a cunt and they want to basically tell them that. It could be this, I have no idea, but I can tell you one thing right now,

sulking and keep coming back for more. You're like Charlie Brown, she keeps pulling the football out. If you want to fuck this girl, walk away from her. Stop returning her phone calls and all that type of shit. You basically started to do that when your boy caught her to body, but then you said let's be friends. That's a weak move. Okay, this girl I think wants to see you be a fucking man.

Alright, and you're not, you're going down on her, you're pleasing her, and she's doing everything she can to disrespect you and you're allowing it. And I think that's turning her off. And I think she's a fucking sadistic psycho, so she's getting you off, and she's leaving you with blue balls. You know, I don't know, that might be it, or she might be fucking angry at something else and she's taking it out on you. All I know, dude, is walk away from this girl.

Just walk away from her, but for some fucking reason, you still want to bang her one more time, blow her off. Blow off her texts and her calls for like a week and a half, and then randomly answer one. And when you pick up the phone, just have a whatever vibe. Hey, what's going on? You haven't been returning my calls or my texts? Yeah, I've been busy.

What's up? You want to hang out? No. Why not? Yeah, you know, I don't know. What do I want to hang out with you for? Get blue balls? You know, you're fucking selfish.

You're fucking annoying. Leave me alone. You know, that's probably too angry, but just, I'm sorry guys, I'm fucking angry right now that I have to talk like this. Yeah, just blow her off and just be, you know, and when you go to meet her, meet her in a public place. Don't go over a place where she can immediately, she's going to dress extra sexy when you come over there

because she's trying to get that power over you again. You're in a fucking public place and be talking to her as you're kind of glancing around the room, you know, sort of hit on another girl while she's standing there. I'm telling you, you know, and when she asks you to go home with her, don't. Just say, I'm cool or whatever. Yeah, fucking blow her off.

If she ever calls you again, just hang out or whatever, tell her to come over your place. And the second she starts acting like a douche, kick her out. I don't know. What sucks about a girl like that is immediately, you've got to try to get into her head, then you've got to start playing games. It's not worth it.

There's too many decent girls out there who will, when they take the dick out, they will fucking complete whatever you want. So I would just walk away from her. Let's be friends. Jesus Christ, buddy. That and sulking you need to take, those are the two parts of your game you need to work on this off season. All right?

And then maybe next year you'll get the ring. Okay, good luck. All right, next one. Bill, I'm a cubicle dwelling suffocated engineer in Texas. I was rushed through the college machine with all the rest of the cattle, destined to find a job, don some pleaded khakis and live the rest of our lives in a steadily paid servitude of the man.

But a few years ago, out of college, oh, but a few years ago, out of college and I hate it. I think it's saying I'm a few years out of college and I hate it. I wish I'd follow my desire to be some sort of a writer. And after listening to your podcast, among others and hearing from friends that I should have, I wish I'd give and stand up a shot. Well, now I'm 30 years old staring down the barrel of 35 more years

as a cozy smug engineer making six figures, but hating five out of every seven days of my life. I don't have any wife or kids, but I feel like I'm too old to jump back into being a starvin' artist. What do I do? Nah. Dude, this is on you. All right?

I would never tell somebody who's got a six-figure paying job to jump into this fucking awful business. All right? But I would never tell you not to do it. All I gotta tell you is you can't half-ass getting into this business. All right? Or you think you're hating your life now?

Just picture hating five out of every seven days, except you're making fucking... You're making low five figures. And you're old now, and nobody wants to fucking book you. And you don't have any wife and kids. I'm telling you. All right? I'll give you this advice. If you decide to become a fucking comedian,

there's no turning back. All right? And you gotta go into it. You can't even consider quitting, and it has nothing to do with fucking talent. It has to do with desire. I'm telling you. That's what I would say.

So what I would do if I was you, I would keep my six-figure job and I'd start doing some open mics. That's what I would do. All right? And if you feel in your heart as you're standing on stage that this is what the fuck you want to do with your life, I would do it in a second.

Because six figures, seven figures, if you're miserable, it's not gonna be worth it. All right? I don't know if, you know, you're into comedy, you know, the way I'm into playing drums. Drums are a hobby for me. I absolutely fucking love them, but there's no fucking way.

I would have, I was about to climb into a van with three other fucking guys, you know, and eat pasta. I'm not gonna do it. It just... I don't know. I actually played drums, and I realized I didn't have it. You know, I didn't have it as a musician, and I didn't have that drive.

But when I got on stage the first time, and I did comedy, I just, I never look back. And I was just like, this is, I'm doing this shit. So there you go. So you have to answer those questions. So the best way to do it is to sign up for some open mics. All right? See how it goes and see how you feel. And like I said, if you feel like that's what you want to do,

then I would work towards it, but I would not quit that six-figure paying job. You don't just quit your fucking job. You don't build up your time, so you can swing out of that job into some fucking paid gigs. That's how I did it. I kept my day job until I moved to New York City, and I'd saved up a bunch of money.

You know, I'd paid off all my bills. I didn't have a car payment. I had nothing. And I moved to New York, and I had a nest egg of fucking money. And yeah, I've told these stories before. I ate fucking spaghetti every goddamn night. Three pieces of bread filled up my stomach. And I just did stand-up every night. And I just wasn't doing stand-up.

I was working towards getting better at it. Analyzing what I was doing wrong. And, you know, but I would never tell you to quit your job, and I would also never tell you that you can't start comedy at 30 years of age, because you can. All right? So there it is. But the ball's in your fucking court.

All right. YouTube videos of the week. We had an earthquake here this past week. Best earthquake reaction. This is hilarious. It's like three guys on the MLB network talking about baseball and all of a sudden the hurricane comes. It's fucking hilarious because people on the East Coast don't know what an earthquake feels like.

So they're sort of looking around like... Wait a second. Is anybody else feeling something moving? In defense of them. It was one of those little shaken ones. Somebody sent some home videos of Peyton Manning as a kid running around, whining or whatever, but I'm too hard on Peyton Manning.

It's fucking ridiculous how hard I am on this guy, but everybody whined as a kid, but it's still funny as a Patriots fan to watch. And here's two that I got. It's called Fuck the Police One. And this is hilarious. This is some guy, I don't know if he's in Brooklyn or what, this black dude who knows his rights,

has been harassed by the police, he can tell his entire life or whatever, but he's screaming at the cops. That's the mistake he makes. They don't arrest him, but the shit he's saying, if he would just say it, if he just said it, I think he would have been fine,

but he's screaming it. And it's really funny. It's actually, this guy goes on for like 20 minutes, and I've said before, it's all about not losing your shit, and this guy loses his shit, but I don't think he ever gets arrested, but it's fucking hilarious.

And here's a YouTube video of the week. This was actually suggested by Paul Verzi. Oh, Will Forte, and this is a sketch with Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning is fucking hilarious in this sketch. It's basically Will Forte. You know, everybody comes walking in, they're like a basketball team, and they get their asses kicked,

and Will Forte comes in and basically tells people that they shouldn't quit, and that he had a coach, and they played him this song one time when his team was down by 60 points and by listening to the song and amped him all the way up, and then he basically puts on some fucking song from the 1930s and starts dancing to it,

and it's fucking hilarious. Underrated for the week, Will Forte. Guy is fucking hilarious, and please watch the director's cut of McGrewber. I highly recommend that. And what else do we got here? We got the woman cuts guy's dick off, all the four broads laughing at that.

And I got one other one here. What the fuck is it? Hang on, hang on, hang on. I'm the worst. The fuck did it go? All right. Oh, hey, don't say it too loud. Don't curse too loud. We will eject you from the Sheridan. Oh, future gun owner.

Oh, creepy game show host. There's another one that we have. Creepy fucking game show host. Used to see this. I can't believe that this guy actually was allowed on air, and I showed it to Bobby Kelly, and he was laughing at just this guy's fucking... The game show is basically a mother and a daughter.

You know something? They already showed this on Tosh.0. I really try not to do that, because I figure everybody sees it, but we'll put it up there just in case. But Bobby Kelly actually showed me another one. I don't know where the fuck this took place. It sounds like it's in Scandinavia.

And this guy calls this kid up to sing a song, and he basically just starts kissing his back. It's unbelievably disgusting. Nibbling on his ear in the back of his hair as this kid is singing. It's fucking brutal. All right, overrated, underrated for the week, and then I'm gonna fucking wrap this pot.

Holy shit, I weren't 15 minutes. Time flies when you're whispering in a superrated hand sanitizer. I've been sharing the company restroom with a bunch of coworkers who believe using hand sanitizer is the equivalent or even superior to washing their hands with good old soap and water. It's not.

The rubbing alcohol in the hand sanitizer kills the bacteria and destroys virus presence on the hand, and that's about it. It does not physically remove the genital grime deposited on the hands after a guy has finished jiggling his junk to get rid of the last drops of piss. These people also use other commodities such as the company refrigerator,

therefore effectively covering every goddamn thing that they touch with their dead penis and vagina cells. All right, that guy is not short of descriptive adjectives. Overrated, lawns. People dump all kinds of chemicals to make them look pretty. Personally, I prefer clean water over a pretty lawn. Overrated the overnight. The other night, I decided to have a nice wank

and crash out for the night. So I hop on the generic porn site and started browsing. Next thing I know, two hours have passed. I was still awake, hadn't wanked, and barely even had a Fleetwood Mac, soft rock, half chub, et cetera. I didn't even watch a full video, which I think no one really does.

Total fucking waste. Instead, I just used the girl's section of a hurly catalog by laying around, which worked pretty well, just so we all know. All right, underrated. Paper grocery bags. Plastic bags are given to you by default at all the grocery stores I've been to.

They should give you paper, and if you want plastic, you should have to ask for it. All right, this ends the comedy, the first Monday Morning Podcast comedy timeout. I feel lucky because I did not get ejected from the hotel. That's it. I hope you enjoyed this weird ass fucking podcast. This podcast was like a Nirvana song.

Started off loud, then got quiet, but never got loud again. So I guess it is. It's like the first... Oh, Phil, shut the fuck up. All right, go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast. See ya. Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual,

but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster, saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk. Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A and E. And though wooly mammoths are extinct, in the metaverse, students will go back to the Ice Age to visit them.

The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact.