Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-18

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

Bill rambles about lunatic customers, the Toronto International Film Festival, and fighting an alligator.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday! September 10th, 2018. How's it going? How are you? How are you? I am back from a whirlwind tour. I'm fucking crazy. We can... I'm actually sitting here podcasting in front of the TV, which I know a lot of you don't like. Simply, the fucking Steelers and Browns had a tie? Wow. Jesus Christ. This is the exact reason why you don't like it. This is the exact fucking reason because I get distracted. I haven't seen a fucking tie since they've had overtime. I don't recall one. 00 and 1 are the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Cleveland Browns. How about that? Anyways, yeah, I'm sitting here. I got the Red Sox game on in the background. The Houston

Astros are trying to become the second team this season to sweep the Red Sox while Boston is trying to go 2 for 2 today against the city of Houston. All right? Now, we already done. Kicked the shit out. You fucking football team. Now we're trying with your baseball team. I'll be honest with you. I thought the Patriots looked good for the first two and a half quarters. Special teams was letting up more yards than I would like. Then you would like, Bill? You as a what? A football coach? You as a comedian? A shit joke talent fucking jackass who decided to fucking record a game and fast forward through the commercials? Yeah, Bill, what did you see on your game film? Fair enough. Fair enough. You know, there's always room for criticism. Who am I to sit here and act like I'm

above it? Yeah, I thought I was very impressed with our pass rush. I was very impressed with our ability to contain what's his name? Watson there. I thought he was going to be a nightmare. I also thought he might have been a little gun shy about running because he was coming back from a knee injury. So I thought when he ran when he had to, but I was impressed with him staying in the pocket. I liked the new left guard we got there. Left tackle, I should say, taking over for Nate Solder. I'll be a say his name. He's only there for fucking 20 years. Now he's playing with the Giants. Brown, whoever that guy was, he's keeping all those Bs up front for of the Texans. Well, they got clowny. They got JJ Watts. And then they got some other guy like maniac or something like

that. Like his name is literally like, it's like psycho or maniac or something like that. Not a nickname. The name he was born with is a baby. Oh, look at that little cute baby. What's its name? Clarence Maniac. You want to have a play date? No, I don't. Why is my fucking headphones fucking? God damn these fucking cheap ass fucking things. I swear to God, I just can't win. Cannot fucking win. What is going on now? This is all brand new shit. I got all brand new shit here, people. Speaking of which, if you want to fucking, if you want to a couple of things I'm selling, I just bought a new mixer. My old one works fine, but I'm getting back to doing these uninforms with Joe DeRosa, which is going to be up on my Patreon page coming up here in November.

We're going to tape some episodes, get a little in the can and that type of shit and some other stuff. So I did get a mixer where I could actually have enough microphones for more than two people. So I have a mixer with the cords and all of that shit. If you want to start your own podcast, if you want to open up your little podcast shop across the street and compete with me, let me know. I'll figure it out because I already started Dean Del Rey selling some shit. I got a drum kit that I'm selling. All right, I'll get all the information. I'll have it posted on my fucking Twitter site. I'm selling this, one of those sonar like travel kits, you know? It's kind of like the Quest Love one. The, what is it? Whatever that one that he does with the little

fucking 18 inch bass drum. It's the same thing, but it's a sonar. And fucking beautiful. I just don't have the room for it anymore. I got a, I made a little drum room in my garage so I don't have to have a studio space for my drums. So now I brought the big boy kit home and now I got that little one, which fucking sounds great by the way. And I also have the, the fucking pads there where it's silent, you know what I mean? Where it doesn't, it doesn't, you know, the mesh ones or the real ones. I got it tuned up nice. My buddy tuned it up, I should say, after I kind of fucked it up a little bit, but whatever. That's what has come down to people. This is the new me, okay? I'm getting rid of shit. And right now, you know what, my whole fucking day, my headphones aren't

working right now. I have no fucking idea if you can, all I'm doing is just looking at the fucking mixer. I know that you can hear me. I haven't been able, I fucking came home. I went to watch the fucking Patriots game. My wife, Angel, that she is taped the game for me and then I'm sitting there watching it and it, the thing just like, it starts fucking up. Then I got to hit pause. I got to shut it off. I got to turn it back on. It was doing like one of those fucking things. And it started off what was doing at every couple of minutes. Then once a minute, oh fuck you, you cunt. Foul ball. Foul ball? Was that fair or foul?

Foul. All right. Sorry. It's two to one Red Sox, by the way. Hastros are up. He just hit one down by the pesky pole. It went foul. Anyways, so then it started doing it like every 30 seconds and it was like every eight fucking seconds and I was loving watching the game. Tony Romo, I'm calling it right now. Tony Romo, if he fucking keeps doing this shit, he's going to be a Hall of Fame broadcaster. I have never learned more shit about football. I don't think maybe since I'm going back, maybe like John Madden. The way the guy's breaking down all of this stuff and there's always been all these coaches and all this shit trying to do it. Somehow the way Tony Romo does it, it's like you get it. He does it in

real time. It's fucking amazing. So I was enjoying that. So you know how the world works. Oh, what are you enjoying something? Well, let's fuck up the recording of it. So that's what ended up happening. And you know what it's funny about my fucking headphones is if I sit up and I'm uncomfortable, they work perfect. But if I lean back and I'm comfortable, I swear to God, dude, I don't know what the fuck I think I did. Did I kill Tesla in another fucking life? Is that what I did? And this is my fucking punishment. This is literally all brand new shit. I swear to God, I don't know what the fuck I did. I kicked Edison in the balls during a previous while he's a fucking thief anyways, right? I swear to God.

Unbelievable. And this is the shit, right? My wife never flips out about shit like this. You know why? Because it never happens to her because she buys new shit and it works. My wife will like lose her cell phone in Grand Central Station. And then I'll call it and there'll just be some guy. Yeah, yes, I have it. No, no, I'll bring it to you. Right? I lose my cell phone. That's fucking it over cold case file. No leads. No, nothing. That fucker is gone. All right, so it's better over here. A little better over here, a little better. Now this fucking thing is hanging off here. This whole fucking podcast is just gonna be me bitching about this fucking wire that I just bought. Now it's off. Now it's off. Now it's on. Oh, I see what happens when there's a little bit of

weight and it's hanging down. Oh, it can't handle that. Can you can't fucking handle a little bit of fucking weight? Is that what it is? I just figured what it out what it is. Oh, we got a quitter here, everybody. We got a little fucking snow fight, don't we? Let's just move the whole fucking table for you, buddy. Yep, everybody gets a fucking ribbon. Now my mixer just fell off the fucking table. It's just going off the rails here. Why do I try to make my life easier? It doesn't work out. So anyways, I can I lean back in the old man put his fucking back up against the couch. Hello, test. Oh, there we go. There we go. All right, so I'm back.

Well, you just demo what you just saw there was why my wife is sick of living with me, you know, everything's a fucking conspiracy theory with me. I really wish when those sort of challenging moments and in the first world country as a blue-eyed white male, that was actually a challenging moment for me as people are there are like literally fleeing war-torn fucking countries, having God knows what done to them, right? If there is a God and he's looking down right now and he hears all this screaming and yelling and shit about stuff that's going on. And he finds out what's this what's this poor soul screaming about right after he looks at the horrors of war and he's going to just see some bald 50 year old fucking moron doing a podcast by

himself yelling about a microphone court. He's just going to look down and it is a he by the way. All right, fuck all this feminist shit. Well, now they turn in everything around, you know. Fuck this, you know, there's got to be something has to still be a guy, right? Why not God? Oh, why do I love being an asshole? I just I enjoy it. I'm sorry. I do. All right. He's going to be looking down and be like, who is that? I made that. All right. All right. Do me a favor. When he passes yet, give him the tell him to take the down escalator. I don't know where I'm going to go when I die. You ever think about that shit? I watched that Mr. Rogers. Won't you be my neighbor? Did you fucking see that? You guys watch that thing?

Whatever you call it there documentary. I have never felt like such a piece of shit in my life after after watching that. He's definitely fucking weird though, man. He's so fucking weird. You know, says the guy by himself losing his shit talking into a microphone. I have the nerve to say that this guy is weird. But I you're fucking out of there. Take it easy. End of the inning. Gun down. Sorry. Anyways, I watched that documentary and Fred Rogers. Like I said, if this if if there is a God and Christians are right, and God had a son without having sex with a virgin. Jesus, I mean, I just how do you even say it out loud and still believe it?

I mean, it's just clearly written by guys who don't want sloppy seconds, you know, so then they got to have to have like that. Like she's a virgin, no one ever banged her before. So she doesn't know what good sex is. She doesn't know what a big dick is. Now I could feel comfortable to mount this person. I mean, is that is that was that the underlying theme of all of that? Huh? Hey, look at that. That's sort of a feminist look at it, isn't it? I don't know what it is. Sorry. My apologies to everybody south of fucking Washington, D.C. Mason Dixon. I'm there. Do you guys know the first, you know, the Gettysburg address? I had no fucking idea where that was in the first fucking battle of the civil war. I thought it was

like, you know, somewhere in the SEC. They were in big 10 country. They weren't fucking Pennsylvania. I had no idea. We never would get that far. We know we'd start with those fucking three ships, the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. They'd came out. They somehow they came over after Columbus, right? Columbus came over to like, I don't know, like Cuba or the Bahamas, Haiti. He was down around there, right? And then the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, they all came over together, right? Sort of the first carnival cruise. It was kind of like that without, you know, a workout room and scurvy and shit like that, right? Big belt buckles. They must have had incredible neck muscles back then, huh? A big fucking hat

with that belt on there. Looking down at your soggy fucking boots, bringing your head back up. Anyways, they were all trap easy. The coach used to come off slide right off their fucking non-existent shoulders. So anyways, we would start with that shit and then we would maybe get to the war of 1812. Never fucked with the Civil War. As far as where I went to school, we never fucked with it. It was just our country fighting each other. Why would that be of interest to anybody? You know, maybe that was just northerners being cool, you know, not talking shit after winning. Ah, we don't need to teach them that. We won, right? A bit down South, they were always talking about it. Probably saying that we cheated, you know, like people who hate the Patriots,

say we underinflated our fucking cannonballs or whatever the fuck they're gonna say, you know. Anyways, let me, somebody just sent me a text that Aaron Rodgers get hurt. Please tell me, I fucking hate when that happens. Roger is done. He grabbed that knee so fast, it's bad. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. I fucking hate, you know, it's just, there's nothing worse than that. You know what I mean? And I gotta tell you something, if you're a Vikings fan or a Bears fan and you're psyched that that happened, you're a fucking asshole. You know, I never rooted for Derek Jeter to get hurt or anything like that. Shit, you wanna, you wanna play him

when they, when you want to beat him with that best. Wow. Does that change the NFC? My buddy who actually knows something about football was, was picking them to go to the Super Bowl. Wow. You know what that reminds me of? Remember that year when the Jets were favored? It was like the first game of the season, Tester Verde, you know, blew out his Achilles. And who cried? It wasn't Tyrell Owens. It was the guy from USC. Oh, Jesus Christ. Just give me the damn ball. When did wide, the wide receiver position become the diva position? He used to always be the quarterback. He was the guy always walking around with the big inflated fucking ego.

And somewhere in the last like 15, 20 years, like all the emotional meltdowns come from the guys who like catch the balls. You know, that's my quarterback. Just give me the damn ball. Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyways, so I worked up in Thunder Valley, Thunder Valley fucking California. Um, the, the farthest north I have been in Sacramento. All right, I was, uh, I landed in Sacramento. It was a 30 minute drive. And this guy, fortunately, he took like the back roads, which was really cool. So he went by all these, these farms. And, uh, I actually, for the first time, saw an almond tree. I thought nuts came from the ground. You know, cause I always, you know, I always go to baseball. Whenever you go to baseball game,

they give you the ones that they feed to the elephants. Those are like the fucking, you know, the Budweiser of peanuts. Almonds is sort of like the blue moon, you know, a little more fucking crafty beer kind of snobby, right? But those, those elephant ones, they always seem like they're dirty. Take me out to the ball game. I didn't know that nuts came on trees. I'm probably making an ass of myself right now. Either they all do, or that's the one that does or whatever. But I know there's a lot of you right now, just racing to look up this information so then you can tell me how dumb I am. Or maybe you fucking know that, you know, you don't know how to grow one. You don't know when to pick it. You just know where it comes from, right?

Sunel, all of a sudden, I'm the biggest asshole ever. Is that what happened? No, Bill, you're the biggest asshole ever because you just had a meltdown about a fucking wire. Fair enough, fair enough. Jesus Christ, the buccaneers and saints, 48 to 40. I gotta tell you, before it's all said and done, Drew Brees is going to throw for more fucking everything than anybody unless Tom Brady keeps playing because I don't think Drew Brees is doing that, uh, Drew versus time. Tom Brady versus time, like that should, like today they were actually, they said he was the oldest quarterback to throw a touchdown in the first game of the year other than George Blanda, who's the gordy fucking how of football as far as how long he played

and Warren Moon, who I didn't, I didn't know he played that late. I know he's, he spent most, at least half his career up in the CFL. Maybe that's why he didn't seem like he was that old because by the time he came into league, he was already like eight years in the CFL. Anyways, uh, why do I have the fucking TV on? Why do I give a shit? Should I hit pause? Let me hit pause. You know, at the end of the day, I have a job here to do and it's, god damn it, it's to make you people laugh. Well, you know what? It's a new TV and I don't know how to do it. Is this do it? Oh my god, it did it. I hit the pause button and it paused. Fuck that, I'm hitting play. I still have that thing. You remember the old days when you paused

your flat screen and then it just burned in there? Whatever the fuck you were looking at. All right, let me look the other way. Okay, so I watched Won't You Be My Neighbor and then I also watched Chappaquiddick. You got to check both, both those movies out were incredible. And any order, let me stay on track here. So we took the, the back roads up to this casino up there, Thunder Bay, not Thunder Bay, sorry, Thunder Valley. And, you know, every once in a while, I'll actually watch the news. And whenever I watch the news, it always puts me into a panic and makes me feel like I should live in the middle of nowhere next to a lake with a bunch of guns, you know? And I know there's a lot of people in the cities probably think that stuff. Okay,

well, here's the deal. The only way to live in the middle of nowhere is if you grew up in the middle of nowhere, because then you know how to live out there, right? You came from a family that, that taught you how to hunt and all of that shit, you know what I mean? I'm too fucking old for that. I got to go the snake-pliskin route and try to stay in, in a, in a fucking city. You know, I think I'm going to join the people that live underground in the sewers, because it's going to be so fucking hot. You know the redheads, all us redheads, we're going to end up underground and we're going to be coming up like a bunch of filthy malachites. So you guys better sharpen your fucking swords or whatever the hell you're going to have,

once you run out of bullets, that's going to be the thing. When you run out of fucking bullets, then it'll be swords and just clubs and it's going to become fucking braveheart. You know? But not if we were all like Fred Rogers. He'd be just sitting there in the middle of it. It's such a good feeling to know you're alive. And when you crawl up out of that manhole, I would appreciate it if you, what the fuck just happened? He got all of that one! How did it go from two other here? Three-run fucking Homer. I don't even know who did it. I missed it.

Very nice. That's right, Houston. How does it feel to be owned? Checking people do that shit. The big story here is that the Houston Astros are going to take two out of three, which this is a series. Now this is one of these ones that I pay attention to, because we're going to run into these sumbitches, come October. So I want to see how we match up. I'm like, granted, Chris Sales not in there. I don't know if price pitched. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. So anyways, we get up there to Thunder Valley and it is literally a fucking casino just surrounded by farmland. And the gig, it's this giant stage just like out in the parking lot and nobody's covered.

Right? If there was any sort of rain, I was joking. Like everybody would just fucking leave. I would be contractually obligated to do an hour in front of a bunch of plastic wet folding chairs. But I gotta tell you, it's one of my favorite gigs I've had in a long time. It was amazing. The sky was beautiful. The only thing that was weird was like when motorcycles would go by, I had to like stop doing my act. Like I was literally getting like heckled by those things. I was joking about how those people up there, they probably don't wear helmets. You know what I mean? Anytime you have a problem, you just drive off until a bunch of snow peas. Those things are probably nice and soft. Slow you down. And then after that,

I woke up the next morning at like something ridiculous. I want to say it was 4 a.m. 4 a.m. And then I had to get on a 6 a.m. flight or something like that. I can't even fucking remember. Flight of Salt Lake City. And from Salt Lake City, you go to Toronto for TIFF, the Toronto International Film Festival. Because All Freckles is in a movie called The Front Runner, directed by Jason Reitman starring Hugh Jackman. And I just, I saw it for the first time. Anyways, let me tell you the whole fucking story. So I one of my favorite things I've seen in an airport. I'm standing in line, right? Trying to find something healthy, which you can't really do.

And this guy in front of me, he orders two bagels. And he goes, can you put butter on it? Can you put, I just want two bagels with butter on it. And he's like already on his tip toes, like over the counter. And he's tall enough to see over the counter. So I was like, what, he's one of these fucking guys, like, when you prepare his food, he has all these fucking instructions. And he's on his tip toes, watching you do it. And immediately I'm just like, God bless the fucking woman or man romantically linked to this fucking lunatic. Right. So he's on, he's on his tip toes that Yankees lose. He's on his fucking tip toes, watching this lady. She sticks it in the little fucking conveyor belt piece of shit toaster.

And it comes out, she's putting it together. He's going, can you put, can you put the butter on it? Ma'am, could you just put the button? She goes, what? She goes, can you put the butter on? She goes, yeah, she goes, the butter's over there. And he goes, no, I was just hoping that you could put butter on it while it's still hot. So to like melt. Can you do that? Can you just put butter on it while it's still hot and then close it up? Can you do that for me? She just looks at him and goes, no, just handed him the bag. Now I know I've always made fun of, I hate those fucking places where all of a sudden you got to finish making the sandwich like you work there for free. But just the way she just told the guy no, and he was already annoying me the way

he was up on his fucking tiptoes. Like what the fuck? You didn't order like, I'm trying to think of something fancy. You ordered a fucking bagel. She's going to toast the thing. She's going to stick it in a bag. You're going to pay for it. And then you're going to go over to the condiments and try to find something that wasn't sneezed on. You know how it's going down. So I laughed and she looked at me and gave me like half a smile. She's like, what do you want? I'm just like, I'll take one of those ham and cheese sandwiches, you know, you know what? Do anything to her. Oh, that was great watching that guy get shut down. I don't know why. It's like, have you seen a little spoiled fucking brat kid crying, you know, because he wants something?

Is there anything better watching a parent not cave? And then the kid doesn't get it. I live for that moment. Even the kid cries and cries and cries. And then the parents end up just giving it to him. I always makes me just want to like trip him. Isn't that stupid? I don't, obviously. I'm just saying, you know, something I do think about. I'm not proud of it. We all have our flaws. Occasionally, yes, I see, I see, I see a kid get something after crying and makes me want to trip him. It's stupid because the kid doesn't have the emotional maturity to express himself. Right? I wonder how Fred Rogers would have handled that if he didn't want him to have it. Why are you crying?

Well, you can't have, oh my God, what a fucking moron. This, this God bless it. There's a woman there. She's wearing a Houston Astros fan. She's wearing like one of those, you know, they'd make the number one's finger out of. She's got a giant orange Astros hat, like to the point you're blocking people's view behind you. Those are the things. It's because of hats like that and people like that that wear them at games. That's one of the reasons why like things like flamethrowers are not legal to the general public because that's the kind of thing when you sit there for nine fucking innings. All right. And that self centered cunt won't take the fucking thing off. That's one of the things

if you had like a handheld, I'm not saying you'd burn her, but you'd like the hat on fire. And God knows what that's made out of. And it might, you know, touch somebody else's fucking hat and then they're on fire and you're like, but no, no, no, I just wanted to set her on fire. I'm sorry, sir. My bad. My bad. Would you like me to drive you to the burn unit? No, most of your ear is still attached. Anyway, so then I flew up to Canada and I checked like 9 million times that I had my passport because that's one of the things I always, you know, the first half of my career, you could just go to Canada like you're going to your friend's house. You didn't need a passport.

You know, and then after 9 11, everybody died for you, you civilian piece of shit. Don't even say 9 11, that horrific event. In, uh, ever since then you've got to have your fucking passport to go everywhere. So, uh, I checked like fucking 900 times, make sure you have my passport. Um, and I went through the customs and everything and I think I got there at like four o'clock and then like the pickup was like at 5 15. So by the time I got through customs and all of that shit ordered room service and everything,

like I barely had time to iron my stupid shirt. And then I went over there and I did the whole, uh, you know, the whole red carpet. I got asked great questions. Nobody tried to corner me. You know, there was a couple of, how would you relate this movie to, uh, what's going on today in the current political climate? You know, it was fine. There was no, uh, hey, what do you think about this guy going back on stage? I already knew what I was going to say. Well, what do you think about it? That's all I ever do. If you ask me one of those end your career questions, I just throw it right back at you. What do you think about it? No, I'm asking you. Well,

I didn't ask the question. You're the one who has the question. You're the one thinking about it. What do you think about it? I want to hear, I want to hear you put a quote on it. What do you think about it? They're, they're fucking, uh, uh, Jimmy Olson. So then we, uh, I went into the, uh, this beautiful theater and sat down and watched the movie and I got to tell you, man, it's pretty fucking incredible. Uh, Jason Reitman killed it. Uh, it's called the front runner and I would not be, I don't want to jinx any, I'm not going to jinx nothing, but I would not be surprised. I'll go real, I'm going to really go low here. If it performs very well, that's, that's as much shit as I'm going to talk. Um, but it's a phenomenal,

phenomenal movie and the way the whole thing was cut together, the way they told the story. And, uh, it's really, really fascinating. It's about the, uh, the Gary Hart story, which, uh, for you youngsters out there, he was a guy running for president in 1988. And yes, he was the front runner, great looking guy, guys liked them, ladies loved them, full head of hair, you know, that's the kind of shit that gets you elected, right? Play the saxophone on our Cineo hall, two terms, not one, two terms. Ah, shit, did they just hit a fucking homerun? God, that was a monster shot, five to two. The Astros, no quitting them. You know why? Cause they're champions.

Um, oh man, that's that fucking guy. What is his name? That's the guy last year in the world series that was incredible. You know the dude that I let, was Al Tuve, right? That guy, that guy's worked every dime you pay him. You know, I was like, I like that guy in the infield for the Texas Rangers, total winner. The guy who punched that dude in the face. Um, credible ball player. Man, that's going to be a shame watching the Red Sox or Yankees buy him away from the Rangers. Although back in the day, the Rangers spent all that money on Arod, right? 220 million bucks. So they got money. That's Texas, man. You're sitting on all that

fucking oil. Why don't you take some of that money? Put it on your team. Um, anyway, so I got there went. Thank God every like, uh, uh, I got there on time. I got to see movies, phenomenal. Everybody in it is so fucking good. Uh, I'm not going to lie to you. I had my head down whenever I hear my voice put my head down, but, uh, you know, I watched, I actually watched most of my scenes and I wasn't cringing too badly. So I think, I think I did all right in it. Uh, but I want to thank everybody for, uh, everyone I worked with and giving me the opportunity to be in it, but I think it's going to be a great one. So guys,

could you do me a favor? I know you're all streaming shit. I know you got your fucking virtual reality glasses with your laser disc players, whatever the fuck you kids are doing nowadays. Could you just go old school? Just go to the movies when it comes out. Just go see this thing. All right. Do it for me. Do it for me. So one day I can afford to buy speaker wires that actually are microphone wires that actually work. Okay. It's for a cause. This is a startup. I think it comes out in November. Um, go see it. You will not be disappointed there. That's it. All right. Plowing ahead. Oh, look at a rod, a rods in the fucking box. That there's another guy, another guy, Tony Romo and Alex Rodriguez. I say,

uh, whether the two best former athletes turned broadcasters in a long goddamn time. It's unreal how when a rod was a player and in the New York media would be asking him all those questions, he, he'd get like tongue tied. You get him in the booth and he's just the, he's effortless. Fuck it. Effortless. All right. Speaking of effortless, not effortless, I should say, I got to do some reads here for the week and I forgot to turn the goddamn light on. The sun went down. It's such a good feeling to know you can read. Ah, Jesus. So anyways, and then this morning I had a, uh, 6 a.m. 6 a.m. flight, but was awesome. There was nobody in Toronto. I've gotten some of the worst traffic

other than LA and Chicago and some of those other fucking places, but Toronto is just brutal traffic. And I woke up this morning and there was nothing. Nobody out there on a Sunday morning and, uh, went right through customs. Thing of beauty. And then I went to go buy some fucking Cuban cigars there and their prices were out fucking rages. Dude, I was looking at, I was looking at a box of them. They wanted like 560 bucks. It's like, dude, I can get these things and I don't, people in LA got these things. Not paying all that money. So I ended up buying that these, these little ones, about like 5. I don't know what the hell you call it. Oh, shit. Now they're fucking hitting us. Now they're hitting us. How many outs? How many outs here?

It's the top of the six in a game you guys already know the results of. It's 5 to 2. This has never been good other than the fact that one time when that guy ran the ball back to win the game. That was the only time this was a good move to have the fucking game on. All right, let me read some of the, um, all right, let me read some of the, uh, advertising here. Oh, my bookie, everybody. You know, ever since I started this podcast, people have been asking me for advice, asked me what team to bet on. I don't know if you ever asked me that. You guys did ask me back in the day who I liked, who I thought was going to the Super Bowl. The truth is, I don't know who's going to win, but if you think you know,

you got to check out my bookie. Remember who you're betting on is just as important as who you're betting with. That's why, uh, you need to go to my bookie. Trust them. According to them, they're your best bet this season. They've been in business for years. They have great reviews online and their mobile site is easy to you. I would, I would love to read reviews of gambling sites. Um, my wife left me. Fuck this. I would only recommend a service to my listeners that's been good to me. You guys, my bookie, you have to change this fucking copy. Okay. I don't gamble. All right. Well, I mean, I, I gamble with my friends. I don't go to a site here. Okay. You've been good to me in that you're paying me money to read this shit, but I mean, I, I haven't done

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million in total prices. That's code burr burr at only at draft kinks. Jesus. The game inside the game minimum $5 deposit required eligibility restrictions apply. See draft kinks.com for details. Um, you know what I really miss? I miss football cards. That's how I knew who everybody was in the league. I fucking miss those things. And what happens was all those fucking baseball cards from the 1950s, all the Mickey Man will rookie cards and all that shit blew up and we're with all that money. So by the time I became an adult, so many adults were collecting cards, kids didn't give a shit about it. And then I try collecting football cards again, and they, they would like deliberately make some of them rare. You couldn't just go out and go buy a whole set because that's what people

were doing. And then they weren't fucking worth anything. Let me see tops. Let me see if they still have these things. Football card 2018, 2018. What do you got here, buddy? Will my internet work? You know what? I don't even care if it does it. It does or it doesn't. I'm not going to flip out about it. How about that? Just relax, Bill. Just count to 10 slowly. One, you know, I got a master, I got a master going for a walk. The other day I got into with my wife, right? And I started to walk away, but I didn't leave. You know? All right. Shop, tops, football cards, 2018 football cards, release dates. All right, let's see what they got here. It's such a good feeling. I used to just sit there and like, I wouldn't study in school and I would just look at football

cards and I would read, I would look at the picture and I would just read them over and over and over again. I didn't realize it was like flash cards. And by the end of it, I knew everybody in the league. I knew where they went to cook because I would watch it every year. I get the cards every year. And there was all these guys that I already knew shit about. And there was only so many new rookies. And I remember I used to blow my dad's mind. I was like, and he went to college and he can't stay. Louis Keltcher, as a size 16 quadruple East, uh, cleat. He was like, Jesus Christ, how do you know all of this stuff, Bill? Well, dad, because I'm not studying all that effort that I should have put in to my studies. So I could have gone to a, to a big time college, you know,

and joined a frat, walked around, you know, maybe joined the Glee club or whatever. Had an a cappella group, you know, met some women, get me to fucking years later. I just missed out on it. Um, when the fuck is this thing going to load? All right, you know, I'm just going to start reading some questions. Maybe at some point, I don't, I know for life, me, I don't know how much money I have to pay these internet guys to get something that works. You know, I was, I started to talk about this where a buddy of mine had, uh, you know, he solved his internet prom, but they got these things called like mesh or something like that, where it ties the internet signal from one party, a house to another.

And that just seems like you were in the TSA line for fucking brain cancer. Like it's bad enough. We got all these, it can't be good. I don't know what it is, but there's something going on. We've all done it. We've all talked on a cell phone long enough that like the side of your fucking one side of your head starts feeling weird. You know what I mean? I used to do a bit about that. So then you talk with the cell phone, the other side of your head sort of seared like a fucking tuna steak. It's just your brain. All right. Eastern European tour. Hello, Bill. I am writing from Croatia. I like to ask you if you are still coming to this part of the world, my part of the world, not yours. Just kidding. Yes, I am. We're just working it out because, uh,

the dates came in and I was going to be gone for too long. I have a kid. So I'm trying to break it up into two different tours, do a week to 10 days and then come back a few months later and do another week to 10 to 10, 10 days, 10 to days, 10 days. That's what I'm trying to do. Okay. I promise you it is going to happen. All right. Outdoor venues. Uh, I did one this weekend, so I am ready. I'm ready for this question. Dear Billy, Operation North Woods. Look it up. All right. Well, my internet work, sir, I would love to look it up. It's still loading. All right. Thanks for the killer show in the casino parking lot. Oh, thank you for showing up. Anyways, he said, I've heard you mention a guy named Lawhead before,

but I never knew shit about him. Fucking hilarious guy. Yeah, Jay Lawhead. Jay Lawhead. Come on, man. That guy, uh, fucking kills it on the grill too. Follow him on Instagram. You see that guy when that guy starts cooking. It's fucking crazy. It's like a cooking show. Uh, how come he's not on Netflix or a seesaw? I think it's seesaw or whatever the fuck you guys do. Anyways, wondering if the parking lot is up there in the weirdest outdoor venues you've played at. Uh, all right. Why isn't Jay on Netflix? Well, or seesaw went out of business. What else is there? Hulu, Amazon and all that. Well, eventually it happens for everybody. Everybody, you know, takes people different amount of time. You know, look, I started

in 1992 and it took me until either 2005 or 2006 to get on Letterman and I went through a couple of bookers. A couple that was just like, yeah, I don't like you. All right. You got a weird, we got a weird look as one that I got. Well, I don't think that was from the Letterman people, but um, yeah, you know, it's hilarious. I remember years later seeing this other generations of comedians and they were like bitching about the book booking process and they were like seven years in. It's just like, well, hey, fucking buckle up, buddy. It's going to take you another, uh, yeah. I don't know, but that's not how it works. It's not how it works nowadays because now there's social media because now you fucking complain and then everybody's afraid of getting trouble

and nobody, nobody just goes like, Hey, you know what? Fuck you. Oh shit. Fuck. Ah, it's a run scored to run score to run score. Oh my God. These fucking Houston Astros are relentless. Look at them. They're all up there. Top of the doubt. This is impressive. This is what we've been doing the teams all year and now they're coming in, giving us the old right there, Fred. Fuck. I already know what they're saying with the sound down that ball got up there in the zone. I mean, that thing you want that much lower. This is like that's right in his wheelhouse and he jumped all over his eyes. They opened up like a kid on Christmas. Ah, fuck me. Um, anyways,

I love that you guys know the result of this Houston fans. So I was talking all that shit. Like we're going to whip y'all fucking cities ass today. Um, if there is a sports God, just because that woman is wearing that giant stupid fucking hat in a visitor's stadium, you know, I mean, just how many times can you just ask to get your fucking ass kicked before it happens? Um, anyways, yeah. So people like, yeah, then started whining about, I don't know how long it takes or whatever. And then I guess it's short enough. It's so fucking stupid. Show business is hard. It's particularly hard for me. It's like, what are you, what are you seeing out there? Like here's the deal. It might be more difficult for you, but nobody has it easy.

Fucking sitting there acting like goddamn fucking Spielberg sends me a fucking sandwich every day. Um, which would be nice if he's listening every once in a while. Uh, all right, outdoor venues. Yes. Um, where's the weirdest venues that I've played outdoor venues that I played it. I used to open up for wine on a Judd way back in the day. And we, uh, we did a lot of outdoor venues. You know, when you're selling that level of tickets, she basically was selling so many tickets that they didn't have an indoor venue big enough. So you have to go outside at some point. So I opened it up, up for her at the, I believe it's the Del Mar racetrack. I thought I told this story. So I go down there and it's one of these deals where they're like,

Hey, you know, we're clean. This is a country crowd. These people, uh, they don't like cursing, which, you know, you have to respect. It's not my crowd. I'm opening for this person. This is what they've created, you know, for you young comics out there to then go up there and, and in curse anyways is, uh, that's not a Lenny Bruce moment that you're acting like a jerk off because they, they probably told you before that you even got the gig. You got to work clean. So if you're not going to work clean, don't take the gig, but don't say you're going to work clean and then go up there and start talking about your nuts. Are you for more accurately these days? You're fucking twat because female comics are the fucking dick joke comics of today.

Some of the fucking filth that I, I mean, some of the bits, it's just like, I remember this bit, except there were dick and balls and I was standing in a bar trying to figure out how the fuck am I going to follow this shit. Um, um, anyways, so, uh, I had to work clean. It was during the day, which actually didn't bug me because I was psyched cause I was making money. I always loved like those gigs, like a lot of times the nooners and shit sucked, but what was awesome was when it was over, you had your check and you already made money and you could maybe double up and do another gig or you were like done at like a normal hour. So, um, but that never happened. You know, you always went out and

did more fucking time. What are we going to do? Sit at home, be alone with your thoughts. So I went down there and wine owner was always like really nice to me. Um, and I went down to open ups and I got to work clean. It's outside. I'm in the sun. I'm a red head. I still had my hair back then. So I didn't need a hat and, uh, I'm up there and I'm doing my shit and all of a sudden this lady in the crowd who I'm going to go out on a limb and say was a lesbian, you know, she had that haircut, the whole fucking thing. I know you're not, you're not supposed to do, well, at least you're not supposed to do that with lesbians. You know, you can do that with other groups of people, you know, don't be a Brad, don't be a Chad. You

can fucking do that. But if you go the other way, all of a sudden, you're an asshole. Uh, but yeah, I mean, if I had to put my life savings on it and the same people that were criticizing me, if it was a life or death situation, if you had to put money on it, you would say this was a lesbian, right? Why is it pertinent to the story? Cause I'm painting a picture. All right. And all you liberal cunts out there acting like you don't have a fucking idea in your head. When I say that, that she was a lesbian, you have no fucking idea what I'm saying. What if I said it was a frat boy? You got, boom, you got, you got that picture in your head, right? Um, anyway, so she's sitting there and I'm on stage and she's just the whole, like,

I maybe get three minutes into my act. We're fucking outside. It's brutal. And she's just standing and she starts going, why no, no, why no, no. And she's trying to get the rest of the crowd to do it with her, which they're not thankfully, but she's fucking relentless. And I, I don't know if I did a joke that she didn't like, or maybe it was that I had a dick. I have no fucking idea. Or maybe I was just un-pasty. Maybe she thought I was weird looking. Maybe she was just a cunt. I have no idea, but she's doing that. And I'm sitting there and I want to go off on her, but I got to work clean. So I actually just stopped and I gathered myself and I said, Hey lady,

I was like, what is the problem? Why are you chanting wine? Why no, no, no, no, she's going to come out here at eight 30. No matter what she's coming out at eight 30. Okay. Do you think I, I thought all you guys came out here to see me? I know why I'm here. I'm dancing monkey boy, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, uh, I got the crowd on my side and then I made fun of her haircut. I had to, I had to do it because I had to make sure I got all the Trump supporters on my side. I was flailing and then I got him and I started to have him getting laughs. And that lady was pissed and she was still chanted. Why no, no, no, but now I was drowning her out with laughs and I was winning a red head in the sun with this pasty freckled back up against

the non-existent wall was turning it around. And then out of nowhere, the crowd went from laughing out of nowhere. They just went all at the same time and I couldn't figure what the fuck happened. I thought my fly came down. I had no idea and I turned around and behind me was a way off in the distance was a carnival and there's some ride where they just shoot you up in the fucking air like, like Superman. So I'm standing there fucking finally getting the crowd and right as they're starting to pay attention to me in the way in the background, some guy got shot up in the fucking air on this ride. And then I kind of made fun of that. Oh, not another hit. Oh, another hit, another run scores and we got ourselves a tie game.

Five to five, just like that. Oh, coach is coming out to the mound. Jesus Christ. Wow. And we're deep into our fucking bullpen already. This is not looking good, guys. Anyways, so yeah, that was a weird one. I've done also I've done college gigs in a sort of that area. You know, the Walker shame area between dorms, I've done that. And there was also like sort of a carnival thing set up. There was always a fucking car. It was always rides, some sort of popcorn machine. I remember a long time ago, this one was actually inside. Um, it was me, Patrice O'Neill, Robert Kelly, Dane Cook, and Al Del Benny.

We were all doing this gig. It was some some sort of Jewish thing. I don't remember what was a function hall and the crowd was was predominantly Jewish. I don't know. It couldn't have been fucking, they don't go to church. Where do they go to temple? I couldn't have been related to that. And they wouldn't have hired us. I don't know what it was. But all I know is we were up there and none of us were in the business long enough to recognize like that. We were going, why is this microphone so small? Like you could hold it with just your two fingers. I remember Al went up there first going, this is the smallest microphone I've ever seen. Then he put it in his mouth and started humming or whatever.

And people laughed and I was like, Oh my God, I got to hold that thing now. I got to go up after him, right? So we did the whole, we did the whole fucking show. I remember when Patrice got up there, he was holding it with his big fucking fat fingers, just holding this little thing is three things like he was holding a tea cup. And it wasn't until years later when I did my first TV gig that I realized it was a lapel mic and none of us knew to just clip it on your shirt and then just walk around like you're doing the one man show, you know, with both hands. So we would like finish our act. And there was a mic stand and we would like drape it over. And then the next guy would come up and just pick it up with his index finger and his thumb.

Yeah, I don't know. I got to be honest with you, all of those hell gigs, they all just kind of fade away after a while. I can't, I don't remember. I just know I've had a bunch of shit thrown at me. I think I just after a while, you just, you don't want to remember them. Yeah, I don't know. I've done some, I've definitely done some weird, I know I've done, I did one outside, I'm on the fucking west side highway. And there was like boats and shit. And all these fucking flies and stuff. Yeah, these are all starting to come back. And it was hot as shit too. And I was up there and I had like a long sleeve button down because I just worked

like a comedy club. So they had like the air conditioning cranking. And then I went over and did that gig and I was like sweat my ass up. Yeah, I've done, I've done a lot of those. That's kind of par for the course. It happens. That was a fun one though. I opened for Winona outside in a, in a, in a parking lot, parking lot, racetrack, the occasional theater. I opened up for in a parking lot in Laughlin, Nevada. Jesus, dude, why are you bringing back all of these memories? All right, uh, smoothie. Dear Bill, years and years back you said Kevin James told you the benefits of having liquid first in the morning to get your engine going. Kevin James, I don't know if you get the name

right. I've only met him like once a smoothie, water, et cetera. Then a few years ago, you basically said, fuck that. Cause you thought it was too much. It might have read it was bad for you. Now you're doing smoothies. Do you think it'll stick this time? No pun intended. Go blend yourself. Uh, well, I didn't know how to make one healthy back then. You know what I mean? There's a lot of them. It's just like you do all this stuff and there's a bunch of sugar and shit that you're putting in there. Um, now that I've been using like, um, unsweetened almond milk, almond milk, I used to hate it. Now I'm kind of used to it. Uh, I got a good one for you. Uh, one cup of, uh, almond milk. I literally am miming doing this, putting this shit in.

Uh, then it's like a teaspoon of cinnamon, a frozen banana, uh, two tablespoons of almond peanut butter, um, a tablespoon of Mac a powder and some ice, a little bit of ice. You blend that fuck it together. It's delicious. Tastes like a goddamn chocolate shake and you drink it and you have energy for hours. Um, I gotta be, I gotta be honest with you. If, if I actually knew enough about nutrition and all I could do, if all I could do was just that, um, and just do a liquid diet, I would love to do that. I would absolutely love to do that. Um, there's another one I have that's like kale. It says apple juice. That's the only

thing I don't like. It's apple juice and just apple juice has a bunch of sugar in it. So I went to like this, it's fucking hilarious. It's this health food store, but like they don't like gays. It's just the funniest fucking thing. I was like, how did those things go together? It's usually like, Hey man, here's some vitamins and everybody's like everybody, man. Uh, who the fuck would it, who ever saw that coming? Um, um, so yeah, I would love to do that. Like, uh, dude, if you saw some of the shit that I'm fucking eating, dude, look at this fucking, I miss Boston. Just saw a guy, he had a red socks, like knitted cap on with a Tom Brady jersey and a glove sitting right along the third baseline.

Fucking hilarious. Um, I, yeah, I would love to do that. Um, I like vegetarian and vegan meals, but I also still like steak, but I know if I combine like all of that shit, I can still eat a little bit like John Wayne and not have a problem. Um, all right. You disrespected Miles Davis. You cunt. All right. What is this? Hey, Bill, in season two, episode four of F is for family, there is an album cover, parodying the Miles Davis kind of blue in the background of one scene in the corner of the cover. There appears to be a label of blue note records. In this case, black note records. Uh, these two instances of factual are factually incorrect. Dude, how much do you fucking jazz guys? You know, back in the fucking day, I used to host this show called

the jazz oasis on, on, uh, uh, the fuck was it? 88.9 W E R S at Emerson college. And I used to I didn't know fucking anything about jazz and I'd ask you fucking assholes to call in requests and none of you motherfuckers would call in. All you would do is wait for me to play a record and then all you fucking cunts would get on the phone and call me up and be like, fuck you playing that for a man. That ain't jazz. The fuck is that? That ain't jazz, motherfucker. All you fucking guys can go fuck yourselves. Go sit on your fucking horn. All right. First of all, did you enjoy the show? Did you enjoy the episode? Listen to this ass. Those are factually incorrect. Kind of blue was released, released on Columbia records.

Nobody likes labels, record labels more than these fucking jazz people. And Miles Davis at the time had not recorded for blue note, uh, in a number of years. You might want to get your facts straight. You believe this shit? If you want to reference the greatest jazz record of all time, it may be who of you to respect, possibly the greatest musician of the 20th century by simply getting some simple factual information correct on your show. You dumb cunt. Tony Williams is probably ashamed of you. Let's be honest. All right, sir. I'm going to walk you back through all your bullshit. Okay. First of all, the reason why it didn't say blue note or Columbia records is because we would have had to get permission to do that. That's also the reason why the song kind of sounded

like kind of blue, but wasn't because we don't have the fucking budget to use that music. All right. That's why that's why it looked like that. Okay. And then secondly, Tony Williams didn't play on that record. You dumb fuck. I think for the record, I thought it was Philly Joe Jones. I looked it up. It was like some guy Jimmy Cobb or something. I hope I got his fucking name wrong just so you can blow another gasket. Fuck all you jazz guys. You stupid cunt. You're not, you're not making an animated show. You have no fucking idea how much money music costs. That's why we did that. Okay. We weren't disrespecting Miles Davis. Okay. So why don't you take all your words like Behoove, stick them in your clarinet and shove it up your ass. You pretentious

fucking cunt. Oh, did that feel good? He didn't even get the right drummer after giving me shit. He didn't even get the right fucking drummer. Tony Williams is part of his second great quintet. I do know that, but I don't, I don't know shit about jazz, but I do know that the reason why we did that was because it would have, we Columbia records and Blue Note probably wouldn't have given us permission. And if they did, it would have cost us more money than it cost to fucking make the whole season. And we would have been screwed. That's why sir. Okay. So we didn't disrespect them. We tipped our fucking cap to him. By the way, do you play any instrument? Are you in a band? All right. Anger issues. Oh, this could not come at a better time. Anger issues.

I'm gonna have anger issues if we don't get out of this fucking inning. Oh, we did. We finally got out of the inning. Dear Billy Redtop, dear Bill, Bill Redtop. Okay. I had anger issues when I was younger. Oh my God, is this going to be a real life? I had a good family, but I grew up in a neighborhood that exposed me to shit I shouldn't have seen. As a defense, I started reacting to everything with anger and it carried on into my adult life. Did I write this in a drunken state? And I forgot because this sounds like me. I've read lots of books and even wrote a few unpublished ones on the topic myself. See, you actually worked on it. I commend you for that. I just like try for a few days and then I just go back to what I know. Anyways, it kept me from being the happiest

I could be. It didn't ruin my life, but it's kept me from enjoying things. I had a bad habit of looking at people who are happy and finding reasons not to like them. I don't do that. I think I did that in my twenties, but I'm not like that. Even people I was close to, which may sound strange. No, I did that a long time ago and then I've also had that done to me. I remember when I bought my old truck, 68 F 100 short bed and this guy was like, where'd you get a truck? Huh? Hey, you going to put stuff back there? Just like annoyed because everybody was looking at my truck going through that thing is so fucking badass. Nobody has that out here. This thing's the shit. You know, anyways, I've been catching up on your podcast over the

last year and I've heard you go from being much very angry to still pretty being pretty angry, but certainly less angry than before. I'm glad you've made strides. Well, not on this podcast because I can tell you the most important thing I gained from reprogramming my immediate reaction to everything from anger to observance is time. I'm not smart enough to only read that sentence once. I got to do this again. I could tell you the most important thing I gained from reprogramming my immediate reaction to everything from anger to observance is time. What does that mean? You got time back or something or you're enjoying your life more because you don't have to spend

so much of it apologizing for what you did an hour ago. Anyways, it's sneaky though. Being angry can waste a whole day and you can do things while still being agitated, but you don't feel like you're completely unaccomplished. Yeah, I don't I don't stay angry for a whole day. I just do it like in spurts. And it goes all the way up to the top, then I come back down and I'm like, what the hell's wrong with you? You're right. Sorry. You know, I'm just trying to do this. You still ran your your errands and did your jobs and fed your kid, etc. But you're probably ignoring things you could be doing to advance yourself. You're likely not appreciating those. Who are we talking about? Is this me?

Am I getting a stern talking to or you just a hypothetical you, but you're probably ignoring things you could be doing to advance yourself. You're likely not appreciating those around you who make your life good because you're focused on people who make your life terrible or projecting things on people that aren't there. I don't do any of that with anybody in my life. I do that with the people that are in power. I do that a lot. You know, like I was all ready to fucking talk about everybody at Best Buy. Like this is like two podcasts in a row and they've done nothing wrong. It's just been me needing to make a couple of adjustments. Anyways, my biggest regret in all my anger years was snapping at people who were genuinely good people who didn't

have that angry gene. It's like being six foot one, two, 15, kicking the hell out of a small kid. They can't defend themselves because if they do, they become the maniac you are horrible position to put someone in. Hope you cross the finish line to Zen. Yeah, I mean, I think I'm somewhere in the middle of angry and Zen, believe it or not, as much as I flip out, like I was, I was a lot worse, but I don't wish bad shit on people. And I don't resent anybody. I don't, I just, it's, you know what, things, things make me freak out. Anything tech technology related makes me flip up. But you know what's funny is if I get something old, I have all the patients in the world. You know, like if my old truck won't start, I actually, you know, I mean, I'm not gonna say

I enjoy it, but I find the process of figuring out what's wrong with it, enjoyable and then learning, you know, as the truck gets fixed, what that was, why that happened, how to prevent it in the future. I tell you this, you know what playing drums really helped me getting back into playing drums and, you know, meeting Nia, having a kid, just shit that made me happy has kind of gotten me to that. But my big thing is if I could just stop snapping, that's kind of what I don't walk, like, you know, it's funny, these people actually think I am like an angry guy, like a walk around angry. I don't, I just snap. I'm definitely loud and I'm definitely fucking crazy. But I don't know, I'll let you guys be, I don't classify myself as an angry guy.

I sound like I'm talking about my drinking, like, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I don't think I'm an angry guy. And I also think that I can admit what I'm wrong. I'm a fucking mess. All right, dilemmas, dilemma clarification. Number one, Bill, last week you read my dilemma wrong. Oh, sorry, geez, everybody coming at me. You have to either score perfectly on the SATs with up to a year of studying or in one sitting, win a game of Monopoly. Oh, oh, oh, in one sitting. That means bankrupting all the other players. Which one to save your life? Um, oh, the fucking SATs. Absolutely. Those things are pretty hard, but fucking win in Monopoly in one sitting. I mean, that's just, I'd rather like sit down and like this time around

really pay attention in math class and find out what I'm, what this math is applied to, as opposed to just being regurgitated at me, then sitting down and rolling dice, like I'm in a fucking casino. You know, I mean, Jesus Christ, can you imagine, you know, your life's on the line and you're moving a little dog or a shoe around a board? I think I would much rather leave it up to my brain. Sort of a damned if you do damned if you don't come on, get underneath that. All right, you ain't going to challenge his arm. Okay, okay. Man on second, top of the seventh one out. Okay. Dear Bill, dear, dear Bill, two thought, I have a dilemma for you. Would you rather have to fight an alligator

in a water tank with a 12 inch blade or fight an alligator in a room with a 30 inch aluminum baseball bat? All right, well, we haven't talked about the size of the alligator. I'm assuming it's big enough to kill me, obviously. Well, I remember a long time ago. A cop told me if you're not going to get a gun to get a bat, because you want to have distance between you and the intruder. So considering that the intruder is a fucking reptile passball, he goes to third. Fuck. I would. Yeah, I take the baseball bat. And the weird thing about an alligator is you got to come at them straight on, right? Or from behind. Those fucking things,

you don't want to be on the side. They bite from the side. If you're right in front of them, you're all good. That's why all those fucking morons that go up and they stick their arm in the guy's mouth. They got him. No fucking way. Holy shit, what a fucking play that was. Dude, lay down the button that al-tube guy came in. Who the fuck was that? Xander Bogarts? Who threw that fucking ball? Who threw that ball? Oh, it wasn't. He swang, actually. Actually, it wasn't a good throw. He got him. Throw was high. He slid wide. Oh, no, they're going to reverse that, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, you motherfucker. That's going to be, he's safe. Anyways, yeah, I would 30 inch aluminum

bat. Wait, wait a minute. That's not that big. It's only three feet. All right. This is so weird. I would attack the top of his head from behind, but I'd start with his feet. All right. You know, that would actually fucking kill me to do that to a living thing like that. I'd have to fucking slowly chop it down. I'd attack the fucking things feet. Although I did see that one with that fuck on Rogan show that with that alligator bit the other one's leg and just did the death row, ripped the fucking things leg off. And the other one wasn't going like, it was just going like, that's it. Just fucking down and it barely bled. So

yeah, I think, I think you just got to, I mean, what I really love to do is just sort of somehow getting on its back, rub its belly. Oh, I know what I would do. I take my shirt off and I cover its eyes. I've seen those guys do that. And then I would take that fucking bat and I would just wham right down on its fucking, you know, I, you know, that would be it. I wouldn't want to kill an alligator. I am terrified of those things, but I don't live in the same world it does. But if it was me, a him, I mean, that thing has to go. I've eaten alligator though. I'd alligator when I was in Florida was fucking gross. Just too goddamn gamey. People like, yeah, you know, it tastes like chicken. It doesn't.

It doesn't chicken is fucking delicious. Steers are delicious. Those are the pigs are delicious. Those are the three fucking best tasting things. Turkeys are good. They dry out though. You know, that's why I think like, if you get to the upper level of, you know, if you have a smoker, if you actually know how to smoke turkey, how the fuck did I do an hour and 20 minutes? All right, that's the podcast. I really appreciate people trying to help me with my temper because I would like, I mean, I need to learn to like how to stop fucking snapping. That's the big thing. You know, I'm not gonna lie to you. I do ramp it up a little bit when I'm on

the podcast just to entertain you guys. But that is that was pretty legit earlier in this show. All right, that's the podcast here. I'll check in on you on on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves and have a wonderful couple of days.