Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-12-11

Episode Date: September 13, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about fat people on planes, the afterlife, and weddings.

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That's good. I'm in Columbus, Ohio, everybody. And I am going to do one more show out here before my wonderful weekend here at the mall here in Columbus is over. I don't know if you guys have ever been to the mall out here in Columbus. Oh, is it? It's, you mean... If you're in Ohio, I don't know what you're waiting for.

You gotta come out here to the Columbus Mall. You're not gonna believe what they have out here, everybody. They have a gap. They got a cheesecake factory. Huh? They got everything you have. Where you're at. This is a real weird mall, by the way.

You know, they got this whole section where they got a bunch of fountains that shoot water up in the air, right? Like a porno load. And for some reason, people bring their children, like babies, toddlers, to run through the water. It's like a fucking pedophile wet t-shirt concert contest, whatever the fuck you're trying to say there, Bill.

I don't know what... It's one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever seen in my life. I don't even have kids, and it makes me uncomfortable. You know? I deliberately... fucking walk all... The quickest route to me getting to the club is to walk basically right through that area where the water fountain is.

I went there the first day. Every time I come here, I forget that that's there. And then I have to go around the other side. Alright? That looks like a fucking FBI sting operation, like they're trying to catch every fucking pedophile from here to Toronto. I don't understand why they have it. I don't understand, in this day and age,

why you would have a toddler and you would let it run through water. Giggling with its little choo-choo Charlie fucking t-shirt on. What are you doing? You know? Reminding me of when the crocodile hunter took his baby out and started making it do a little jig in front of that alligator. It's like, what the... As a parent, what are you doing?

Let's just forget about pedophiles and sexual predators and all those pieces of shit. What about the fact your kid could just catch a cold? You know? The fuck is wrong with parents? Remember that as a kid, when you walked to the car and you jumped in a puddle? Then your mother ripped a fucking antenna off the car and beat your ass with it?

Throw you in the back, no car seat, no nothing through another couple in the hatchback that pressed up against the fucking window? You remember that? Old school parenting. Now what? Oh, the kid's just expressing himself. He loves it.

He loves to run through the water. Fucking... Lady, put him in the backyard if you want to do that shit, okay? Don't fucking break the kid out here in public. Like, this is some meekum at a fucking auction, you know, for fucking pedophiles. Coming up next. Next up for bid, we have a 2009...

Three-year-old. The two-year-old, sorry, fucked up the meth. Yeah, fuck. I don't know what I'm talking about here. I had a... I've been having great shows out here, everybody, but I have been having... I had a brutal flight.

All right. I flew out of LAX, Los Angeles, international airport, that for some reason, if you go beyond Colorado, you just can't get a fucking direct flight anywhere. I don't get it. When I was in New York City, I could fly to all these places directly.

Maybe it's because I was in New York and it was only an hour and a half away. I don't fucking know. It just doesn't seem like he can fly anyway. So, anyways, I got to fly LA to Phoenix, Phoenix to Columbus. All right? On U.S. air.

So, I get on the plane and there's two empty seats next to me and it's getting close to the point where they're going to close the door to the plane and I'm excited, like, holy shit. I'm going to have this whole fucking road of myself. It's going to be nice. I can stretch out a little bit,

take my carry-on, stick it under the other chair. This is going to be great. Right before they close the door, lo and behold, this fat tub of shit gets on the fucking plane. All right? And I'm thinking, oh, God, not me. Please, for the love of God, don't pick my row.

You know, when you do that shit, you just fucking willing the guy to sit down as he waddles his fat ass down the fucking aisle. It's him and his fucking lady, right? So, he fucking comes all the way up, comes to my row and he's just standing there. And I'm hoping he's just standing there and he's putting his stuff in the overhead compartment.

I can literally feel the fucking heat radiating off of his body from the 22 years of mistakes that he's putting his goddamn stomach. All right? And what does he do? Oh, yeah, I'm in that row. I'm in your row, so I got to get up.

And what does he do? He lets his fucking girl sit by the window and then he sits in the middle seat. And this fat fucking tub of fucking shit this dude was so fat I was sitting behind his back fat. You know what I mean? He was like fat and round. It was like sitting next to a planet with a head.

You know, it was like you could do the roundness of this guy. Okay, so he's trying to be less fat. God bless him. So he crosses his arms. When all it does is just cause his fat lat to fucking bulge out even more into my airspace. That I fucking paid for. And it's not real.

All I'm thinking is why the fuck did he take the window seat and then post up against his girlfriend. My shoulder was getting hot from his arm. He was on me. This fucking guy was on me. If I was claustrophobic, they would have had to turn the plane around. This is how much this guy was in my chair.

And I'm thinking, why didn't you just take the fucking window seat, you fat fuck? Have a little bit of fucking consideration, you tub of shit. You know, with your basketball shorts, like you actually never played a goddamn day in your life. His fucking legs spread out like he was gonna give birth to a baby calf. You know?

Why don't you sit near the window? You know what I realized after a while? He didn't sit near the window cause he's so fucking fat he can't. He can't. If he sat by the window, his other fat lat would have blown out the window. We all would have got sucked out.

Unless his tub of shit body fucking somehow got stuck in the fuselage. Which if you saw him, wouldn't be beyond you. A possibility. Unfucking believable. And he's sitting there. This is what kills me. He's sitting there

and he's biting his nails. And I just want to be like, dude, do you ever stop eating? Is there a moment? And you're literally consuming yourself right now. I know, I know, I know what you guys are thinking. Well, hey, Bill, why don't you fly first class? Oh yeah?

Well, hey, why don't you go fuck yourself? Hypothetical person who said that? Okay, I understand I bought a coach seat. I know what that means. That means my fucking knees are gonna be in my chest. That means if I'm even slightly leaned forward and the guy in front of me reclines, he's gonna hit me in the head.

I understand that. Okay? I get it. But that doesn't mean that this tub of shit, I shouldn't have to pay an extra couple of fucking grand. Or whatever, 1500 bucks. So somebody else's lard isn't in my lap. I am full on 100% behind

you having to buy two seats when you're on an airplane. Okay? I'm sorry you're fat. Okay? But you made your choices. This is one of the things. This is a good thing.

You gotta buy two seats. You got less money for cookies. Maybe that'll be a goal. Maybe that'll be your bottoming out. But it's absolutely ridiculous that I have to say, I'm literally leaning out into the fucking aisle. My giant microwave oven head is out there.

And then I gotta deal with the stewardess going, excuse me, sir, excuse me, sir. Can you not, sir? Can you, sir, please, sir? All right? I gotta watch him for a minute. I can't start yelling here. I'm in a hotel room again.

I already got one strike against me. They probably build a fucking file on me. Yeah, I'm leaning out there. That was, this is the best part. The food cart comes. Okay? They ask me what I, you know, they ask the dude what he wants to drink.

He goes, can I have a Coke? Can I have a Coke? I just want to be like, dude, how about a water? How about a salad? Are you trying to make yourself even fatter during the flight? Do you know what that soda is going to do to your already distended fucking belly? You already can't even put the fucking tray down.

This dude couldn't put the tray down. He tried. He tried to put the tray down. Oh my God, this fucking guy, I swear to God. The thoughts I was thinking, it was embarrassing. I was sitting there thinking like, you know, I'm so glad this dude's going to die young. Can you believe that?

I'm not happy in real life that that's going to happen. But that's how fucking uncomfortable I was. And that's how fucking mad I was at this guy. Absolutely. You got to buy two seats, people. You got to do it. I love when they try to leave the fucking arm up too. I don't play that.

I fucking shave that ham right down. I bring the fucking dick right the fuck down. Fucking sit here making me uncomfortable. And you want to relax? If I could, I'd put my foot in your chest to make your belt even tighter. That's what I'd do to you. Cut off your circa relation to your legs.

Maybe you'd get up and take a walk. There's no excuse for it. You know, and I know this is probably coming off insensitive, but you know something? I've been a redhead my whole life. Nobody gives a shit. We don't get... We don't...

We're not considered handicapped. Capped. We're not considered handicapped. This always happens when I scream all weekend. We're not considered handicapped. We don't get our own parking spaces. These tubs of shit, they're getting their own parking spaces now.

Making a shorter walk to the store, making them even fatter. The only positive thing I can say about this guy was he only went to Phoenix and he didn't smell. I gotta give him that. He didn't smell. I don't know if he fucking jumped in a goddamn pond, you know, killed 200 fish before he got onto the flight.

I don't know what he did, but he didn't smell. But I swear to God... You know what kills me is I ranted about this on the radio here in Columbus, and somebody called up the radio station, said, I'm 5'8", 300 pounds, and I love to fly.

I'm never listening to this radio station again. Can you believe that? This dude actually felt like he was the victim. You know, that'd be like if some wife who got the shit kicked out of her, ranted about her piece of shit husband for slapping the shit out of her,

and then some guy calls up, hey, I got issues with women, and I slapped the shit out of my wife, and I'm never listening to this radio station again. You know? Give me a fucking break. You know what you need to do?

Eat a salad, go for a walk. You don't have to put money down for the gym. Just go for a walk. It's actually easier to do cardio. When you're not at the gym, because when you're at the gym, at any point you can just get off and walk 100 yards to your car.

Your car is always 100 yards away. When you walk out your front door and you walk a mile away, what are you gonna just quit and lay down on the ground? You gotta walk back. There's two miles. Easiest two miles you'll ever fucking do. Or be a tub of shit.

Be fat. That's your right. Okay? But buy two seats. That's all I'm gonna say. All right? Do I wear short shorts, showing off my milk white legs,

offending everybody's eyeballs? No, I don't. I'm considerate. I wear the Jordan ones. I come down right over my little white knees. You're listening to the Monday Morning Podcast, and yes, it is insensitive. It doesn't mean it's wrong.

I'm right. I'm right on this one. I'll fucking... You got fatties who listen to this podcast? God bless you. Have yourself a Sunday on a Monday. Right? I understand it.

You're an emotional leader. Something fucking bad happened to you. So food is your friend, and then you go in there. I get it. I get it. I want you to lose weight. I want you to feel good about yourself.

But until you're at that weight, where you're not, you know, spilling into my seat, you gotta buy two seats. I shouldn't have to suffer because you ate all the cookies in the house. That's not my fucking fault. Oh, Jesus, Bill, we got it.

I actually tweeted this week that fat people are the new secondhand smoke. Hey, you want to be fat? Go outside. Oh, fuck. Serena's yelling at the linesman. Ah, she's pissed because she's losing. She's losing to this little skinny

fucking white girl from Australia, maybe? Stoser. It's 6-2, and she just lost the first game. If she wins this thing, the US Open, you guys already know this shit by now. Good, she's mad. Now she's going to start fucking winning. She's going to break her serve right here.

You ever notice Serena's dad looks like Garrett Morris from fucking SNL? I don't like how fucking Venus Williams always sits there pouting whenever Serena's in the fucking finals. Like, I wish it was me. Why don't you be happy for your sister? So fucking grumpy.

You know what I mean? Anybody out there dating, you want more of a Serena personality. She seems like she's, I guess, the younger kids always more happy go lucky. You don't have the pressure. Anyways, let's plow ahead. So yeah, so I'm sitting here in a hotel

in Columbus, Ohio, you know, trying to keep my voice down, which I guess I haven't. Somebody probably calling downstairs right now. I'm in the VIP room next door, and I'm fat. I should not have to listen to this, okay? You know what's funny about Ohio?

Even the gay guys are fat. It's unreal. I don't know what they eat out here, but you know, gay dudes always either shredded or they're just wave thin. And this guy, it was fucking hilarious. This Billy Baldwin torso.

Yeah, it was one of these deals after the show. You know, hanging there, drinking my fucking cranberry juice and soda. Everybody trying to convince me that I should be drinking. I actually have been on the road so long that I actually have drinking buddies in each town. Not really the people I even know their fucking names,

just people who I drank with the last time. And I just like, do you remember last time we went over to Uncle Fucky's and we, but no, I have no recollection. They're always hurt. It's like, do you understand that I only met you once in my life?

And what I did, I drank 12 Jameson's and a six pack of beer. I have no recollection of you or that night. You know, the old me would be like, and let's do it again. But this time, this time I didn't. And, and it was just, and I don't know, it was fucking,

oh, you know what? There was this fucking guy who came out to the show, right? He did something. You ever have somebody do something really fucking annoying and you just, you blow it in the moment. It's not until, uh-oh, Serena starting to pump the fist.

Here we go. She's gonna come back now. One, one. In the second set. Why aren't you watching NFL football? Because I'm in Columbus, Ohio, people. That's why. My selections of games of Cleveland versus Cincinnati.

I watched the Falcons get the shit kicked out of them by the biz. Um, you know something? I think things are looking good for the Jets this year. I think the Patriots, we added two unbelievable headcases to our team. We got rid of one last year and then we added two.

I don't think that that's gonna be a good move. You know? Plus, I don't know about our defense. Fucking Peyton Manning, tweaked his neck or whatever, so that poor bastard's out. For God knows how long. That takes them off the table.

So, I mean, I guess the Steelers are always in it, but they got the living shit kicked out of them by the Ravens. So, I think the Jets, they got the biggest, the best chance that they've had, had through all of this shit-talking that their coach has done. This is their, this is their best year. And he has been eerily quiet.

Eerily quiet, which I think is the best fucking move that guy could make. Just shut your face, come into town, kick their ass, and then leave. That's all you do. Tippy-toe.

Hey, everybody, how are you? BAM! Smash them in the face. What the fuck happened? 24-7. See ya. Then you're done. On to the next one.

So anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, so this is, I'm doing yet another podcast here in a hotel room, trying to keep my voice down. Remember the last time, a couple weeks ago?

I got in trouble with the security during the rainstorm out there. You know how many people gave me shit for calling that hurricane a rainstorm? I wasn't impressed with it. The amount of people that fucking sent me emails going, oh, you know, I'm actually Vermont,

and I haven't had electricity. I don't give a fuck. You live in Vermont. Be happy you're not in a log cabin. Spiking trees, trying to fucking suck some syrup out of it. Okay? Why, I don't know how many times

I have to tell people not to take this goddamn podcast seriously and not to be shocked that it's ignorant. It can't help being ignorant. I'm hosting it. Okay? Speaking of ignorant, did you see those guys who fucked up

during the hurricane? There's always somebody's gotta do something stupid. Go surfing. Right? Or that idiot out there on the west coast after the tsunami hit Japan. They said that another wave was obviously coming our way.

And this guy stands on a rock right next to the ocean to take a picture of the aftermath of a fucking tsunami. You know? And the wave comes, fucking smashes him off the rock, sucks him into the ocean,

and his camera drags him under. See you later, stupid. I just can't imagine what goes through your head. When you die like that. Like, oh my god, I'm that guy. I'm that guy. I was gonna get made fun of on some Jackass's fucking podcast.

And somebody else did that with a hurricane, what was it called? A hurricane overrated out there and a hurricane Irene. This fucking street flooded and like four or five guys, classic guys shit.

This is some dumb shit that a woman would never do. You know, if a woman saw a street was filling up with water, she would think something like, oh, maybe I'll put some rain boots on and go up on the second floor of my house.

That would be the smart thing to do. What did guys do? Dude, you know what would be funny? Hey, no, listen, listen, listen. You know what would be funny? You know that, you know that raft we got? What if we got that, we all piled in and went down the street?

These fucking idiots grabbed the raft and they all get in it and it capsizes. And you wouldn't think that that would be a big fucking deal. But somehow I guess the water was going so rapidly. Two of them, I don't know.

One of them got sucked all the way downstream. I don't know, through the middle of town. I don't know where he was, why he couldn't just hang on to a Dairy Queen sign or something, but he couldn't. Maybe that's what he was clinging to. You know? Clinging to a fucking Taco Bell smokestack.

I have no idea. But they had to spend like $9,000 to fucking rescue that guy. And another guy who fell in the water, he had a heart attack and died. Can you believe that shit? I was just thinking of this shit, that if that stuff is true,

you know, about an afterlife. Oh, Jesus. Right, that you actually die and you get judged. Alright, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that that's what happened. Okay, to appease all the people that believe in the bearded boy.

Alright? You fucking die a stupid death. Even if you make it into heaven, you have to still be embarrassed. Are you allowed to lie in heaven? Like when people ask you how you died. Can you just make up that you did something heroic?

Or just say, I died in my sleep. You know? Or do you have to tell them? I guess it wouldn't matter, because it would be heaven, no one's going to judge you. Alright, because everybody's so goddamn happy. Does that even fucking make sense to anybody?

Does the concept of heaven even fucking make sense? You're just going to wake up and it's going to be awesome. And you're going to be like, isn't this awesome? This is awesome! This is awesome! 60 years later.

Isn't this awesome? Yeah, still awesome! 10,000 years later. Isn't this awesome? Yes! It's fucking awesome! Stop asking me that question. For the love of God,

somebody show me their tits. You know? That's what you want to do. The whole concept doesn't even make sense. Or hell? I don't understand hell. Like you're, okay, I'm the biggest asshole ever

for 85 fucking years. Shouldn't I just be punished for 85? Maybe tack on another 15% because I was a douche. Right? Round it off at an even 100. Alright? Just fucking torture me for 100 years.

And then, don't I just pay for it at that point? It doesn't make any sense as far as the punishment and the reward makes no sense. Just put it in a Wall Street sense. That would be like, you invest it in one thing. You put a dollar into it

and you made infinity money. You know? Or you lost infinity money. It just doesn't make any fucking sense to me. The math doesn't. I'm telling you guys, you go in the ground and that's it.

So enjoy yourselves. Because there's nothing after this. But don't be sad because you're not going to be conscious or you're just going to be like a dead, do you ever see a dead squirrel? You know?

The only reason why people believe in an afterlife is because when a person dies, they clean it up. They don't just leave you on the side of the fucking road. If you saw somebody just laying on the side of the road

and you really looked at him, you're just like, that dude is just dead. That's it. And then watch them decompose and fucking go into the ground and all of a sudden you can plant some zucchini there, you know?

Jesus Christ, this podcast is fucking weird. Well, I'm in a weird city. All right, let's get on with this shit here. This is the Monday morning podcast and just to height the podcast here. Oh, by the way, I am currently working or having somebody work

on updating my website, a brand new website. I'm going to be buying the new iPhone or whatever the fuck it is. And I'm going to start taking videos on the run. I'm finally going to do this shit. This is no bullshit, okay? So just bear with the oil painting

that my other website has become in that it hasn't changed in four years other than my dates. I'm going to start uploading video. I'm going to get much better at this shit, all right? We're going to incorporate the Monday morning podcast fan page, which is www.themmpodcast.com.

Themmpodcast.com, not mmpodcast.com. Oh, no, sir. Oh, no, ma'am. Okay, it's www.themmpodcast.com. Like the Ohio State University, okay? If you want to email me, if you want to send me questions,

you want some advice, give me your overrated underrated. Tell me I'm a douche for making fun of that guy who died in the raft on fucking First Street in Elm. Send it to bill at themmpodcast.com. Bill at themmpodcast.com.

Don't get mad at me for saying this nine million times. People keep asking me, I can't find it. Also, we have the podcast Select available. $0.99. You can listen to me interview Ephraim Salam,

talking football, talking groupies, talking who is, talking the cover two, talking whatever the fuck you wanted to ever hear. The oh, Jesus, oh, his ringtone is available.

And that's pretty much it. And t-shirts are coming. I'm finally doing this. Finally, bringing it all around. I'm gonna become Web Guy. I hope. I brought a video camera with me this weekend. I forgot my little tripod stand.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, so there's this fucking audience member. This audience, you know what, you know, you don't want to know why, how I just remembered the audience member if you want to get an idea of my brain works.

I just realized that I, I forgot when I said tripod, I was, you know, those little mini tripod things. I was picturing setting up my video camera, and then I immediately imagined fucking somebody in my room. And then I thought about this girl this weekend

who came by who had the most phenomenal titties I've seen on the road in a long time. Yeah. And then that took me to being in the bar and this, what this douche said. All right. So here it is. Oh, wait, what's going on?

Serena's sitting down. Oh, she's yelling at this fucking lady. Is there anything better than that? 2-2 in the second set. Why am I telling you this shit like it hasn't already happened by the time you listen to this? I'll tell you, one of the greatest things

you'll ever see is John McEnroe. His, his, his older highlights of him fucking screaming at people. Do you know, there's no video of this, but I heard one time, you know, the French open was his big Achilles heel. He just couldn't win on clay. In one year, he had it won

and he blew it in the end. And to this point, you can hear it when he broadcasts, it still bugs him when he just goes to Roland Garros. And even he always brings it up. That's why he's the shit. He brings it up and actually admits how much it still bugs him.

But I forget where I read this, but allegedly one time he was in France playing on clay and he just was having an awful game and he was about ready to lose and he was frustrated and evidently he yelled out during the match. He goes, I hate this country. I don't know why.

Anyways, let's let for the ninth time. Let's tell this story. So I'm hanging at the bar, right? I'm drinking a, what the fuck was I drinking there? I was drinking cranberry and soda. All right. The girl with the phenomenal tits is showing how she can do that fucking thing.

So everybody's watching. It's phenomenal. And then this guy goes, hey Bill, Bill, come on. I want to talk to you for a second. So I'm like, all right. Yeah. Why don't I talk to you instead of watching

this girl fucking move her D cup titties as I drink a cranberry juice. Do you understand, sir? I'm not drinking anymore. You know, I don't fuck around. So this is my own little innocent thing that I can do to make it somewhat exciting to be here in Columbus at the mall.

Anyways. So I'm fucking, so I walk over to this guy, you know what, because I'm a nice guy, because I'm generous. No, because I have a need to be liked. So I walk over and I start talking to this guy and he starts asking me nine million fucking questions about doing standup.

Like I'm on, I even sit at one point like, dude, what is this? Inside the actor? Inside the actor? Inside the actor? Inside the actor? Inside the actor? I even sit at one point like, dude,

what is this? Inside the actor's studio? And he goes, no, you know, I just went and I finally just said, dude, are you thinking about doing standup? And he said, yes, he's sitting there with his wife. So I say to the guy, I go just write five minutes of shit you think is funny.

Go on stage when they call your name. All right, you'll figure it out from there. There's no way, there's nothing more I can do. It's not like, I don't know, I've mentioned somebody how to change the oil. It's like just something you have to just jump in the deep end and just hope you don't drown. It's just, it's the most fucked,

it's the most fucked up thing ever to try and learn how to do. Like if you learn how to play guitar, you can take guitar lessons and you can get to a certain level of skill before you actually try to take it out at a party and play in front of other people. But stand up, you have to,

the first time you do it, you have to do it on a stage while people watch you. It's fucking, it's unreal. So that's what I'm trying to explain to this guy. He's sitting there with his wife. He's telling me that he's a banker and he actually said that a lot of shit that I say is right on, is hitting the nail right on the head.

So I'm sitting there talking to this guy and all of a sudden these two other ladies come over. All right, that was part of that other crew of people. The girl with the fucking titties that she was making moves. She goes, hey, we're leaving, Bill, thanks for the show. I said, hey, thanks for coming out. See you next time we come here. And then he says, hey, Bill,

how long you been with your girlfriend? Just out of the blue. And I just went, I don't know, five, six years. And then they just, it got all uncomfortable and then they left. And I'm thinking, why the fuck did he ask me that? Right? And then he says to me, he goes,

oh, sorry about bringing up your girlfriend. I just wanted those girls to leave because I wanted to keep talking to you. And then his wife just looks down at the table like, Jesus Christ. And for some reason in my head, I was like, I was like, did he think I was fucking hitting on those girls? Why the fuck would he do that? And then I just realized, it wasn't until later,

I just realized what a fucking manipulative dirtbag fucking move that that guy was doing. Thank God he's thinking about doing standup because the fact that he's a banker and is going to handle other people's money, I don't know if he's an investment guy, I don't know what, but that's like the kind of guy that will make old people eat Alpo and not even give a shit.

You know, watch, he'll become a comedian, he'll probably end up stealing jokes. God damn it, I wish I could just teleport myself back to that moment in time and just tell him what an absolute fucking piece of shit move that was. You know? Barrest him in front of his fucking wife and then left. Just a fucking... Oh, it was so fucking slimy. Yet effective, it did fucking work.

Ah, Serena's back up three to two. Um... So anyways, let's get on with the podcast here for this week. There we go, I asked for some wedding stories last week, it's funny when I said I don't want to hear about people being drunk and making asshole stories, we only got a couple. So here's one. Alright, hey Bill, I just listened to your podcast

and your horrible at the wedding story, reminded me of my own moment at a wedding. So I'm in this wedding, right? As a groomsman. And we're at the reception. My friend married this horrible woman, who is a total bitch that everyone hates, and she's ugly on top of it.

She has Elvis Presley sideburns and Jay Leno's chin. She's so fat, even her eyelids are chubby. It takes her 30 seconds to blink. Anyways, that's not the bad part. Jesus, can this guy paint a picture or what? Quick backstory, my friend has a younger brother, 27 years old, who served three years in prison for beating a man's brains in,

almost killing him, then hitting a cop who was arresting him. God, he only got three years for that? I figured just hitting the cop alone, he'd get three years. Um... Anyway, he serves this time and is released. Meanwhile, the older brother is working 80 hours a week between two jobs to support himself and his mother, who is a disabled widow.

Um, so after his release, younger asshole brother gets a job bouncing three nights a week at the redneck bar. They didn't look at his past record for assault, attempted murder, whatever the fuck he got sent away for. Um... Anyways, bouncing three nights a week, it's a redneck bar. Or he goes, Tampa, go figure.

So I guess they don't give a shit down there. And knocks up his drunken whore of a girlfriend two times. Both times, my friend, the older brother, pays for the abortion out of his own pocket because his felon brother can't afford it. Uh, back to the wedding. So it's speech time, and the c- the cuntus of a bride, he just invented a word,

the cuntus of a bridemaid, bridesmaids of honor, gives some shitty speech about an Indian tribe in New Mexico and explained how married couples drink out of a ceremonial jug that has a spout on each side of it. I think that's what it was. I was drinking and not paying attention to the sappy female shit

because I'm three hours into all this marriage shit. Uh... Anyway, the best man, a.k.a. inmate 227, reluctantly steps onto the stage to give his speech. Oh, God, here we go. He takes the microphone and says, I didn't really- I didn't really prepare anything,

but I love my brother, and I'm really happy for him. That was it. The whole speech was one sentence that he had a year to prepare for. Last month, my friend had his first child, a boy. Meanwhile, Rikers Island brother

knocked up his slutty girlfriend with twin boys, which he- which he's keeping because it's a miracle that he can't abort even though he- Ah, Jesus Christ, sorry, guys. I'm really fucking up the reading here. Meanwhile, Rikers Island brother knocked up his slutty girlfriend with twin boys,

which he's keeping because it's a miracle that he can't abort even though he can't afford to pay his rent. See, that's not my fault. That's the way he wrote that. It's a miracle. I don't give a fuck at this point. Let's just plow ahead, shall we?

Along with his own mortgage car payments, new baby, et cetera. To make matters worse, he's walking around like he deserves everyone's congratulations and bragging about how he's made something of himself. Now, my friend is basically going to support himself, his wife, his son, his disabled mother,

his brother, his unemployed future sister-in-law, and their twins, and he's 30 years old with two jobs. Where's the justice? I'll tell you, buddy. That's on your buddy. That's on your friend.

And his complete inability to say no. Go fuck yourself. You dug the hole. You're sitting in it. You crawl out of it. He's actually enabled this guy to be a complete fucking asshole.

You guys, not you, but him and anybody else around him that is helping this fucking loser out is you're feeding his sense that what he's doing is right, because it keeps working out. You know what? I got this dude

I was friends with from a long time ago, and we had a huge falling out because this fucking guy just wants to smoke weed every day and eat pizzas and fuck around

and then he just called. First of all, his phone calls were unbelievably draining. You know those people? They just don't get life that every life is a fucking horse race. And these, every day, it's a race. You know?

This fucking guy, every day it's a horse race and the first thing he does at the beginning of the day is he shoots his own horse in the back of its fucking head. Then you know what he wants you to do? He wants you to slow down in your horse, come back and pick him up. Right? And when you don't do that, you know what he does?

He tries to pull other people off their fucking horse. He's one of those guys. You know? Help me out. If you don't, I'm gonna fucking take you down with me. He's one of those fucking guys. And then he has the nerve to get upset with me. Like I'm the asshole.

Like I'm the one who tells him to fucking smoke weed every day. I didn't tell him to do that shit. Fuck this guy. This guy's a fucking loser and your brother, your buddy should not be paying for his life. Um... Cause there won't be any justice

and your friend is gonna work himself into an early grave and it's gonna be his own fault. Alright? And I don't wanna hear this horseshit that you know, well, he loves his, you know, obviously you gotta help out. This is really turning to an advice thing. He, help out your disabled mother, obviously.

But don't help out this loser. Alright? Let him end up in that fucking trailer park he so deserves to be in. I mean, it's unfortunate for his kids. I don't know what to say about that. That's the injustice. The only injustice in this story

are those two twins that they had the bad spin of the wheel that this dude's their dad and that slutty whore is their mom. Alright? But this brother is, he's creating all of this shit. Support your wife and your own fucking family and support your mom. That's it.

Everybody else can go fuck themselves. Alright? There you go. Alright, on to the next one. Dearest Billiam My college roommate has been dating his fiance for two years.

He's a really nice guy so he tends to get walked all over. Jesus Christ. I have to read that again because there's so much... That right there is something that every guy needs to hear. He's a really nice guy so he tends to get walked all over. I'm not saying you have to be a dick.

Alright? But you gotta stick up for yourself. Okay, here we go. Even before they got engaged I had heard rumors about his girlfriend being a bit of a hooah. As his friend as his friend and her pretend friend, I

attempt to give her the benefit of the doubt and ignore the accusations as did my roommate who had also heard the rumors. Unless she was drunk and got out of control and belittling him, we didn't mind her too much aside for her trying too hard

to be one of the guys. Okay. Recently... Now this one I'm fucking up reading because he's naming all names. Recently, Ebenezer called to me and said that

Tabitha had kissed a guy at a bar. Recently the fucking potential groom called up to say that the fucking Beyonce hooah had kissed a guy at a bar and that they were postponing their wedding

and starting fresh. I was just pressed to hear that he wasn't dumping this bitch but whatever, not my choice. At least he knew about it. So after starting fresh for what seemed to be the fifth time it appeared that they were working it out. Of course this is when things go completely

off the rails with one phone call. A friend, another friend who knew nothing about the cheating kiss a few weeks ago, tells me that a friend of his from college was told by his whore fiance that she would break off the engagement

if he gave her a chance just fucking yesterday. What? Well why can't she just open up her mouth and break it off? Anyways the source seems reliable but it's still just hearsay. All of his friends now know but somehow

the potential groom doesn't. It's an easy way to bring this up to him so I'm up to hear any advice. Thanks for the podcast and the podcast select hope you see you perform again soon. Oh fuck. Alright, you gotta make a call here.

You gotta decide whether or not you're prepared to put your friendship on the table because why don't you want to tell him this shit? Basically because you're worried that he's not gonna believe you

he's gonna flip the fuck out and then he's gonna go ahead marry this whore anyways and the two of you aren't gonna be friends. I gotta tell you this dude it's gonna make you sick to your fucking stomach to watch this guy

go through this shit. Let's say you keep your mouth shut and you stay friends with him then you're gonna sit there and you're gonna watch this girl fuck around on him you know? I don't know why guys choose to do this women don't. If women see a dude fucking around

they go right to their girlfriend. Oh my god oh my god hey fucking I saw him blah blah blah blah and they hug and they say I'm sorry I'll be there for you you can do better and they try and fucking for some reason guys we can't do that. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's an ego thing

you can't handle that your girl's been fucking around but dude you gotta tell this guy you gotta tell this guy fuck this girl don't let another fucking whore go out there and take some guy for all he's worth because this bitch is gonna get knocked up and this guy's gonna be into her for 18 fucking years

financially okay and just like that other guy said where is the goddamn justice alright what you need sir is a clear conscience you have to say something alright and just tell him just tell him say look you're gonna hate me for telling you this

I have to tell you this I can't sit back and hold on to this information I gotta tell you and I support whatever decision you want to make and all you gotta do is just tell him the facts without calling his fiance a whore don't say that just say what you know

and then that's it and tell him dude I really think you need to dump this girl you can do way better and that's it if he gets fucking mad at you he gets mad at you he cuts you out he cuts you out but you will not have

you won't have a guilty conscience it won't be weighing on you I'm telling you and I don't know some other people say mind your own fucking business when it comes to this stuff I don't you get in there and tell them if one of your buddies is gonna marry a whore

you gotta tell him I saw that happen to a guy I know I saw it it fucking happened it was horrible it was horrible and I was younger and I didn't fucking say anything and then the whole fucking thing unraveled

about 15 years later it was just awful fucking wasted a decade and a half of his goddamn life um looking back should have said something but did not did not so I'm telling you to do what I didn't do so if you don't I can't judge it cause I didn't do it either

oh jesus alright here we go here's the next one I'm a 17 year old half black half white gamer who gets shat on by life a lot and I thought I thought all that would change because of a girl that came into my life

there's a big mistake dude you can't think that other people are gonna fix you you gotta fix yourself you gotta be happy with yourself alright plowing ahead on July 4th I met this girl at a comic book store in my area yes I'm a nerd same with her

oh this is fucking Keith Robinson with his stupid fucking ideas about football you know this fucking asshole tried to tell me because detections beat the goddamn cults 34 nothing that just shows you

how great a quarterback Peyton Manning is I absolutely fucking give up with 90% of these stat watch and fantasy football fan jack asses I've had it

I fucking had it I can't believe how people break down games you know what I mean they just they never look below the surface it's like what are you watching you know

what are you watching everybody watches game 1 through 16 and game 17 18 19 and 20 nobody pays attention to basically the playoffs I don't get it

I just don't fucking get it try to say that he was better than Tom Brady physically physically better he's got a stronger arm can read defenses all that type of shit he's better all of that shit but when the pressure is on

when it fucking counts when it fucking counts you want fucking ice water in the veins Tom Brady has ice water Peyton Manning has ice tea I don't know what the fuck I'm saying it's ice tea even fucking

that's also cold isn't it it's probably just as cold as ice water it's probably got the same amount of ice cubes in it Bill I don't know what I'm saying I'm just saying what the fuck Tom Brady does not lose to the eight and eight charges at home he has nine and seven charges at fucking home

he doesn't throw a pick six to lose the fucking Super Bowl I am so goddamn sick of people talking about game one through game 16 I've said it for fucking years if you want 500 yards and four touchdowns against the Buccaneers in November Peyton Manning is your guy all day long

he's the greatest fucking quarterback ever in that situation the playoffs not so much and it's not like he hasn't had great coaching great fucking people around him he's had it he tried to say and all those people who look at like fucking Matt Castle

I love that because he went 11 and 5 that year not realizing the Patriots went 16 and 0 in the regular season the year before he took over a 16 and 0 team and won five fewer fucking games alright

he was a game manager whatever you do Matt don't throw an interception will handle the rest and all these fucking idiots were watching him driving a goddamn Ferrari that was the New England Patriots

that year and they're all impressed with the guy and he gets that huge contract goes to Kansas City and what's he doing out there what's he doing out there in Kansas City now that he's driving a fucking Monte Carlo what's he doing what happened today

they lost to the fucking Bills 41 to 7 unfucking believable I give up I officially fucking give up I am not having these arguments anymore this year

alright if you guys agree to disagree if you want 5000 yards in the regular season and then to lose in the first round or the second round even though you have the game won then

that's your guy that is your fucking guy alright God bless you God bless you plowing ahead where the fuck am I here oh the gamer here so anyways we talked

on July 4th I met this girl at comic book store in my area yes I'm a nerd same with her it's good you're compatible right off the bat I like this we talked and she gave me her digits I called her that night yeah I know big fucking mistake I don't know I don't agree with that

it's not a big fucking mistake you can call her that night to call her and be like do you still like me that would be a big fucking mistake but you call up and you're cool you know I don't think that there would be a problem plus at this point everybody knows

you're supposed to wait the day so I don't I don't give a fuck so anyways I call her the first night no answer she called me a few days later from her landline number left me a message didn't hear from her for a few weeks after that she texted me one morning

and we started going at it back and forth from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day what texting or talking on the phone I don't know what that means she told me she had a little crush on me from when we met and how it grew into her wanting to date me so this is all going good so far everybody

around the end of July she didn't respond to any of my texts oh jeez I called her landline and her stepdad told me that they were going through some times and that she'll respond to me soon Jesus Christ

she'd referred to her dad sent him out to the podium like Brian Cashman alright soon turned out to be the beginning soon turned out to be the beginning of September so all of August has gone by alright we start texting back and forth again from 6 a.m. to 7 a.m.

because of her school then from 2 30 to 8 30 p.m. she told me she loved me and I did the same now wait a minute all you guys have done is text and you fell in love that way oh you wacky kids this day

this day and age okay she had a party on Friday after school started to it I saw her and Bill she was beautiful nice body but a great personality that's hilarious she had a nice body and a great personality can you believe it

I met a few of her friends and they enjoyed they all enjoyed me especially this guy that's like uh oh quote unquote her older brother ah fuck oh god jeez where's this going at the party her parents kept glaring at me nonstop and her stepdad

kept giving me a mean look I pull her off to the side to give her a present and she smiled and gave me a hug after she opened it not a moment later her parents stomped through the house to find us and start yelling at us to get back to the party they pull her to the side and talk with her

I leave the party and she gave me a long hug and had a smile on her face the whole time her stepdad spoke with my dad my dad's white and her family is all white her stepdad kept offering my dad to stay and drink a beer or three

then said he give him a few for the road or put him in a non see-through bottle my dad refused and kept thinking it was fucked up to keep pressuring someone about a beer after they said no twice

this is getting a little weird here next day at work she texted me and said that she had bad news for me the news was that her parents didn't want to date me because they just didn't like me and thought she made a bad decision which I took as he's black

so no I was hurt by this she kept saying sorry I kept telling her it wasn't her fault just her parents are fucked up I kept saying why couldn't they tell me last night to her and I went semi bipolar cursing out her parents

via text one moment and then saying I didn't mean all of that oh god anyways I just found out her parents don't want me talking to her at all and they blocked my number from her phone Bill I'm asking for your help here because I haven't felt this way about a girl in a while

and I want to fight for her I just don't know how could you and if Nia's available help me out with some advice for trying to win her over to win over her parents and showing them not some random black guy I'll treat their daughter right

ah dude you know what fuck her parents who gives a shit who gives a fuck what their parents think I would just completely if I was you ignore her parents and ignore their wishes

and still be the funny cool guy that you are that she likes you know and eventually she's got to deal with her parents but this is what I wouldn't get any more this is a tricky one I wouldn't get any more emotionally involved with this girl

because if you start falling for this girl and then again her parents rip the rug out and she says go fuck you yourself I can't then you're gonna end up getting hurt um ah god how do you do this one

alright dude you're gonna have to take your heart and put it on the table here and know that it could get fucking squashed like a goddamn squirrel on the side of the road um alright if my gut is saying

this is hard because you like this girl but totally emotionless this girl just chose her parents her relationship with their parents over you right out of the fucking gate you don't need that shit okay you want somebody who's strong enough

to date who they want to date and keep their parents in check don't disrespect them but understand that it's their life they gotta lead alright I don't know how old this girl is by the way but she's in her 20s it's time for her to make a break alright so the fact that she didn't do that

is a major red flag um and you sound like a young dude there's gonna be other girls out there you know what that's my advice fuck her okay there's gonna be other girls just get out there

alright and find some girl that's gonna like you and can introduce you to their parents and her parents are cool with you that's a good way to start off because this girl what if you end up marrying this girl do you think her parents are ever really gonna come around as they tried to basically talk your dad

into a fucking DUI these people are out of their minds it's a psycho fucking family alright and that psycho gene is in that woman and you're gonna breed with it and half your kid is gonna be a little fucking crazy

and one night you're gonna be sleeping and you're gonna for some reason that caveman you're endangered sixth sense is gonna kick in you're gonna open your eyes and he's standing over you with a kitchen knife alright yeah fuck this girl fuck her fucking family

alright you're a nerd you're into comics books you're probably smart you probably invent the next greatest computer in life which means you're gonna have plenty of fucking options so fuck this girl alright that's it actually

you being half black ended up being a good thing it was a way for you to figure out how weak this is this girl is around her own goddamn parents because I'm telling you if it wasn't this it would be something else for someone to be micromanaging their daughter's dating life to that fucking level

I'm telling you that is just the tip of the goddamn iceberg just like bronx tail that was like locked the door test and she failed it so fuck her go find somebody else alright or you can go after it the fact that you said you had feelings for it's a tough fucking thing

I'm just letting you know what you're walking into alright because that's never gonna change they're not gonna accept you and then dude fuck sitting there like you gotta try and win them over they gotta win you over at this point show you that they're decent people

after acting like absolute assholes you know which I mean what the fuck just happened did Serena already win they're already interviewing her wait they're both smiling she must have lost anyways

alright let's get to overrated underrated for the week overrated seeing a band you love before they get big and fucking sell out and change their sound um yeah that's a good thing

but that's a tough thing for a band to do man you gotta change your sound you do have to evolve or if you don't people go you just keep putting out the same album over and over again um which is a question I have for you guys what do you think the biggest

the biggest sell out what band hurt you the most you know there's gonna be a lot of Metallica fans when they went from Injustice for All and then they went to Enter Sandman then they did that Bob Seager cover I'm sure there's gonna be a lot of Metallica fans

out there maybe even a couple of Brian Adams fans remember how that guy came out of the gate you know it was pop shit but you know it had little balls to it saying that song about fucking around something something and a something something

and will never something I fucking fingered you as my girl was in the other room well but love was cold that was a good song he went from that talking about fucking around talking about getting some pussy

in 1969 that was the best days of his life he had his little fucking jean jacket on right playing guitar in a barn it was a badass sort of in a pop way and then what happens

I know Serena did win they gave it a little plate thank you thank you for the plate that I always look at and remember that I did not win the 2011 US Open thanks for making it shiny and kind of like a mirror so I can see the disappointment that I already knew

that I was feeling because I'm connected to my emotions um and then where did he go from that all of a sudden four years later everything you do I do it for you just some pussy whipped fucking

fag right so he lost all me guys like me who was fans of his and then he lost the chicks and I don't know what he did last time I saw him he had his hair spiked up and he was wearing eyeliner

the last I ever saw that guy um I'm trying to think who sold out the most that's a good quote I'll have to think about that next week I'll have an answer for you I'll tell you who kept it real the fucking longest AC DC

hahahaha they've been singing about pussy balls in the devil for fucking 35 years if you don't like it they don't give a fuck because if they can give you another 35 years of it that's exactly what they're gonna do so let me know what band broke your heart the most

um I bet a lot of you too fans not gonna be bitchin' about that um I don't know alright let's plow ahead here underrated Joe DeRosa Joe DeRosa's new comedy album

the return of the son of the depression auction somebody wrote best comedy album since his last comedy album Joe DeRosa the teen idol sensation from the opian anthony program the co-host

of the once a year uninformed radio program Joe DeRosa I have heard nothing but phenomenal reviews of his new cd so why don't you guys be a pal this week why don't you guys go on itunes and download my good friend Joe DeRosa's

the return of the son of the depression auction and have a listen alright here we go oh yeah the other girl one cause she got the vase there you go does this make me a pussy

that I actually think the woman's trophy for Wimbledon is better than the men's I don't know if it's cause I like silver better it's a giant plate I just think that's better than just having that little gold spittoon

it's just not impressive you know what's fucking impressive I like the golf trophies that you win they're like as big as the Stanley cup you ever see like Tiger Woods is like fucking trophy case they're incredible look at that little ass vase

that looks like they just fucking cremated your grandmother and you got the fucking VIP cremating vase cremated vase the I really really loved the vase I don't know I like the plates better

you can write a bunch of shit on them um anyways let's plow ahead here uh overrated underrated what the hell am I oh underrated being the Costco receipt checker person how awesome of a job

is that guy does that guy have the guy looks at a cart then looks at a receipt goes stuff stuff stuff you can go looking at anything I want that job I know right do they have a look it almost makes you want to fucking try and steal something

they never do that the amount of times I've handled like you know an experiment like to hand the receipt to them upside down and see if they still fucking check it off um alright overrated keeping the peace specifically this really just means

you're being a pussy you're chickening out because you don't have the heart of the balls to follow through on something that you have on your mind which leads me to an underrated confrontation or grown man moves recently I was on a plane and the announcement just made had just been made

to put all electrical equipment etc away as usual there was the one guy who continues to talk on his cell phone or sends emails or something now I know it's not vitally important but this always bothers me but I have never said anything about it lo and behold this time

an older gentleman beside me reaches across the aisle to call the attention of a douchebag and says to him excuse me sir you are supposed to put that away now you might think this is none of the old guys business but this is how you how you know he was right

the douchebag basically had a minor hissy fit packing up his cell phone unnecessarily loudly and then holds it up to the guy and says are you happy now grown man one hissy fit douchebag zero yeah absolutely

absolutely I agree with that uh overrated turning a fucking screwdriver I just replaced the stereo and all six speakers in my car all by myself had to take the apart the entire dashboard and remove the door panels to get everything modifications had to be made

and wires rerouted and god damn it I did it all myself and all by hand with old fashioned hand tools no power tools no professional installation it took almost 12 hours but that beer and that cigarette I clutched in my greasy hands at the end of the day never fucking

tasted better um that is a great feeling you know I'm about ready to pull a trigger on fucking buying an old Mustang and I was actually on YouTube learning how to fucking change brake pads the fucking calipa

whatever the hell you call it the rotors and all that type of shit and uh bleed the brake lines and all of that I've already imagined the fight I'm going to have with Nia when she lets up off the brake and lets air into the lines well I didn't know how to do it I went all the way to the floor I thought I was

supposed to stop don't yell at me don't yell at me um underrated the history channel show how the earth was made it's on Netflix right now you know I gotta check that out uh overrated the book of Genesis uh okay videos we got

some great YouTube videos this week um here we go uh weirdest drum kit ever um this guy I can't really explain what he's doing he's basically sitting on a giant keg with a saddle

and he bounces up and down it's it's you know there's no foot pedal action on it I don't know what it is uh golf coach pep talk press conference uh is one of the greatest videos I've ever seen in my life um

worst music video of all time you just have to look at this fucking guy's face I don't want to describe these videos because I'm gonna ruin them for you these are all funny now wait a minute I know we had a bunch of other ones ah fuck me did I copy and paste it

to the wrong thing ah fuck why do I do this to myself alright hour and seven minutes in hang on a second can you guys hang with me for a second uh my next big gig I'm gonna be at the uh will turn theater on uh September 23rd and 24th in

Boston Massachusetts all shows are almost sold out so if you want tickets please for the love of god get them now uh or forever hold your peace where the fuck are these other YouTube videos uh wait a minute here we go here we go hang in there don't hang up

don't hang up where the fuck are they oh here we go here they here we go uh dog welcomes dogs welcome home soldiers this is something I've been watching you got to see this one that we have this this soldier comes back from Iraq his dog hasn't seen him obviously throughout his whole tours two dogs

and dogs come in and they he comes walking in these dogs lose their mind and my favorite is one of them after he's done jumping up and down the other one still jumping on the other one is just sort of walking around randomly near the soldier not even looking at him just going like

it was almost like he was like going dude I called it I said it I told you he was coming back it's fucking hilarious um fancatch is a baseball 454 times in a row he's going to 450 game 454

games in a row this guy's caught a ball every single time this is an amazing feat and it seems like this guy really is in need of some pussy uh adults taunt little leaguer I didn't need to get into that that's also fucking hilarious uh transvestite

knocks out two dudes this is one of my favorite ones this guy just looking for a fight you know walking around with no shirt on like flee from the red hot chili peppers except he's a bully he's not cool and uh he doesn't realize that I don't know what the fuck this transvestite

did uh boxing MMA I don't know what but this fucking guy just knocks this dude out it's phenomenal um oh and I think I found the theme song for the uh for the Monday morning podcast by Rubble Bucket

the name of this song is came out of a lady it's a fucking horrible song but you just have to watch it until she starts singing like that um changing tires while driving you gotta check that one out uh some of the best

driving I've ever seen it's fucking persons driving on two wheels cop preaches Jesus cop loses his shit uh I think that's about it that's the podcast for this week went a little bit long um that is all everybody I hope you guys have a good

week um and please by all means continuing to uh hit the donation button on the podcast and uh downloading the mm podcast select I am lining up a police officer for uh former police officer for the next Monday morning

podcast select and uh I am opened to hearing about any crazy guests that you know uh who have crazy jobs it's just something interesting uh but here's the thing they have to be good storytellers please don't bring me any duds because I swear to god I I'm charging

99 cents for this and I'm not fucking over my listeners so if I record one and it sucks it's never gonna see the lighted day all right that's it that's the podcast for this week everybody uh have a great week go fuck yourselves don't take any shit and uh also I will be at the Dallas

no the improv and Irvine um on September uh 7th 8th and 9th it's all up on billbird.com uh that's it you guys have a good week I'll talk to you later in April you get Ikea family a children's menu free at the purchase of a

warm meal for adults Ikea