Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-11

Episode Date: September 6, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Labor Day, a wedding and a Tranny Brunch.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a children's menu free at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea. Cheetah, can you believe it?

It's the end of the summer. No more dressing like a whoo. I can already feel it. The bottom of my bum cheeks. They're not going to be as tan. The leaves are changing color. Just like my ass. Oh, how about a fucking round of applause

for the drunk whores who spill wine coolers on their little white fucking coochie cutters. Isn't that great? Turns a little bit pink and they sit there with their club soda. And it looks like they're trying to finger their clit but they don't know where it is. You know, they're just to the left of it.

I can't get the fucking stain off. Marsha. Marsha, do you have another pair of fucking whore shorts that I can wear around the fucking beach and attract some of the dumbest fucking men possible and then I can bitch about my life

and say that all I meet is assholes despite the fact I have my pussylips hanging out. Happy Labor Day everybody and I was going to tell you guys a little something about Labor Day but there's nothing interesting about it. You know, in case you weren't, if you're too lazy

to go on to Wikipedia and look up Labor Day evidently Labor Day is the United States federal holiday. So-called white man. And it was Labor, the history of Labor Day started in 1882.

That gives a fuck, right? There was nothing in it. All I know is it's just basically it's supposed to celebrate the American worker. You know, that guy who used to make stuff in this country. Remember that? Do you guys remember that shit back in the day?

When you'd have those guys dressed in their blue on blue dickies and you'd go to do something. You go to reach for a bottle of ketchup and you go to, you know, grab your razor blade and you'd be like, I make those. Me and my buddies, we make all of those for the whole fucking country

and they had pride because they made razor blades and they made ketchup bottles in the same goddamn factory. You know? And now what? Now it all fucking left. Because agreed everybody wanted more

and now it's all fucking gone and I'm seeing shit on the internet going, you know, how are we going to compete with China? I'll tell you how we're going to compete with them. We're going to do the old pack or sweep. That's what we should do and fucking bring the fucking factories back here.

Everybody, you know what it is? Everybody's got to stop being a greedy cunt. From the CEO at the top to the douche who wants to get the union job so he can lean on a fucking shovel and milk the clock. I blame all of you. And I don't look at my life

and find any fault because I'm an American. Everything I do is right and everything you guys do is wrong. You're greedy, not me. You know? I made myself a tuna sandwich yesterday. I was full three-quarters of the way

way through and then I finished it because I knew that there's some kid fucking out on an iceberg up there in Alaska chewing on whale blubber and he would kill for that fucking tuna sandwich. So there's a little story for your CEOs and union workers.

Why don't you think about that next time you guys ask for more fucking money. Think about a saint like me in my tuna fish sandwich. If that fucking story didn't make any sense to you then I got to be honest, I really can't help you. Do the fucking math.

Um... Oh, fuck. I don't want to do this podcast today. I don't even think I'm going to be funny. I'm just going to make shit up. Do you guys hear about Libya? Fucking slid right into the ocean. You know?

I know you didn't see it on the news. It's because they don't want you to know. You know? You're living over here in the fishbowl. I know what's going on. I went to once-the-deal-with-libia.com Why? Did they call it lemonade? If nobody works!

What are you guys doing to celebrate the end of the summer? Huh? You putting your boat away? You taking it out one more time? Contemplating hitting your wife in the back of the head and saying it was a boating accident? Hahaha Tired ass to a fucking one water ski and just, you know...

What would you do? Let's, you know, let's make that more modern. What do you dispose of a body nowadays? Back in the day you gave them, uh... gave them concrete shoes. I think nowadays what you do is you take out two old laptops from the early fucking 2000s. You strap them to her feet

and you just throw her overboard. You know? And then you just say that she was, uh... I don't know what the fuck you're saying. You ask for a fucking lawyer. That's what you do. You don't say anything. That's what I've learned watching the first 48.

You don't say anything. You just sit there. Where were you Tuesday, July 9th? Uh... Am I being charged with anything? Uh... Sir, uh, where were you?

I'm not answering that. Am I being charged with anything? If I'm not, I'm leaving. If I am, I'm getting a lawyer. That's all you do. That's what I learned on the first 48. But it's scary. It's scary to stand up to cops.

You know? I think that that's like what you'd like to think that you did. I think that on the first 48 they just show all the good shit. Where they don't slap the living shit out of somebody. And they basically... They solve all the murders on that show.

You know? They don't show the ones I don't... There's been a couple of guys, I guess. What am I? What am I? Five minutes? Isn't that enjoyable? Here's an article that somebody sent me. Oh, fuck that. If I go right into the articles,

then I'm going to be reading for 55 minutes and this podcast is going to suck. Now, goddamn it, Bill. Fucking man up. Tell a goddamn story. You want to hear a story? I was... I'm desperately, desperately trying to get back on my diet.

Oh, my God. My stomach is hanging over my trousers. No. I went on the road for two and a half weeks since try as much as I could to try to do my road diet which is to have oatmeal in the morning. Some sort of salad

with a fucking slab of fish. You know? Stay away from the booze. That's what I try to do. Okay? And I can do that for the most part for a weekend if I'm on the road. Like this week. I'm going out to Columbus, Ohio.

I'm playing the funny bone down at the mall, everybody. All right? Now, a lot of you guys, you take me for granted. You know, guys don't realize how big I am at this point. I am playing the funny bone comedy club

at the mall in Columbus, Ohio. Okay? Don't you guys wish that you took some chances in your life? So you could stand and dance like a monkey in between a hot topic and a sunglass hut?

What'd you guys do? You picked the safe route, didn't you? Ooh, I'm going to get an education! Now, who's laughing now? As you sit there in your four bedroom colonial next to your tanned up wife shot out three fucking kids

still has a flat stomach because you got enough money to suck the fat out of her stomach with a, uh, I love you baby liposuction gift certificate? That's all empty. I'm telling you guys, you haven't fucking lived until you're across from a Sears and Roebuck

in, you know, in Caddy Corner from a fucking JC Penney, and you stood there and you told your unresearched jokes. I can't fucking wait to do this gig. Um, last night I went out to Flappers. I swear to God, that's the name of a comedy club.

Flappers in Burbank. And I think that that's an old showbiz term that meant dancing whore in the, uh, vaudeville days. And I went out there and I had a great goddamn time. There's something I'm working on in my act right now. I'm not going to tell

you guys what it is. Alright, because that would be like if I fucking showed you the rabbit, I put it in a hat and then say, hey, watch me pull a rabbit out of the hat, you know? I'm sure I used that example before, you know what? Why don't you wing a podcast to fucking hour every goddamn week, and let me see

if you don't repeat stories. Jesus, the attitude of you people this week on a goddamn holiday. Stand the fuck down! Um, yeah, this is basically what you do. You treat stand up just like a fucking athlete would.

Alright, look at Dirk Nowitzki. Didn't he have some sort of problem with his game? I don't even know what the fuck it is. Let's, let's pick Shack. Alright, let's say Shack, if Shack was a stand up comedian, he would not have changed a joke

for 20 years of doing stand up. Alright, he sucked at shooting files, taking file shots at the beginning of his career, and he sucked at the end of it. He didn't work on his goddamn game. Alright, he was a big goof, he dunked the ball, and he slammed

his nuts in people's faces. He did it from day one right into the end of his fucking career. Everyone knew he was gonna do it. More of the same Shack. And then he got other people. They adjust their fucking game. So, as me, I don't know

what to do. What am I supposed to do with my act? I've already done two hour long specials, I gotta try something new. So I'm going into new uncharted territory. And, uh, I've been, I've been, I've been doing the work. I can

use the left hand now. I can hold the left, the mic in the left hand now. Basically is what the fuck. Was that, was that even remotely interesting? I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. All I know is I'm excited that I am back in Los Angeles after last week, um, when I was put on

punishment on my own goddamn podcast. And I'll tell you, I will never forgive New Jersey for that. In my four years of doing a podcast, I have never been so insulted by a poor excuse for a state in my entire life. The fucking nerve the fucking nerve

of the hotel system out there in, in, uh, New Brunswick, New Jersey to treat me like that. If you, and you think I'm ever going to go back out there and grace that fucking stage, you are absolutely correct because I'm a whore. I'm always going to do it.

I don't give a shit. I don't care if you make me whisper my entire fucking podcast, I will come back to whatever mall you have and I will tell jokes because what else am I going to do? You know? You can't parachute out of

this fucking job. You can't tell jokes for 20 fucking years that decide that you're going to be a lawyer or can you? I don't fucking know. All I know is lately I've, lately I've had a, I've had a number of people from, uh, from the past, like

people I haven't seen in like 15 years will come walking up to me and be like, hey, uh, remember me? Remember we did stand up back when Kurt Cobain was still alive and I'd be like, oh yeah, yeah, how are you?

And then they'll tell him, yeah, you know, I'm thinking about getting back into it. And I always, whenever they say that to me, I want to grab the nearest blunt object and start smashing them over the head with it. You know? It's like, don't, why the fuck

would you ever get into this awful business in your 40s? Why would you ever do that? I can see being dumb in your 20s I'm going to be a star. People are going to love me. It's going to be who is? That's what you're supposed to think at your 20s.

Then you fucking get in there and you see what it really is standing in a mall sliding into 50. Why? I swear to God, the next motherfucker from my stand up past who comes up to me telling me

that they were smart enough to get out of this goddamn business. They got married they had kids they got a fucking job and now for some reason they're thinking of throwing that all in the shitter and getting back in this goddamn business. I swear to God, I am going to buy one Jackie Onassis glove

that goes right up to my elbow and I'm going to put it on really slowly and then slowly I'm going to take it off and I'm going to slap him across the fucking face with it. Are you out of your goddamn mind? Don't you realize that most of us end up on cruise ships?

Why would you do that to your family? Alright? You were smart enough to leave. Okay? So if there's anybody from my stand up past who's listening to this and is thinking about getting back in this business let me tell you, you made the right decision.

Okay? Jesus Christ. Alright. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Alright. Let's tell a couple of stories. I went to a fucking awesome wedding this weekend. It was actually an after party. This couple did it perfectly.

They eloped bang bang boom. They got fucking married and they announced it. Everybody was excited for them and then they had a fucking after party like three months later. They had this after party. Everybody gets dressed up. They got a permit.

They go to the park. It's fucking free. And all everybody has to do is just bring food. And if you traveled they said just bring drinks and if your birthday was in June make desserts. And that was it. And we went there. We had a great

fucking time. They had a talent show and everybody was going up and there was all these people who could sing and play guitars and stuff and they were singing these songs celebrating this couple. Finding love and getting married. One of those awesome

awesome fucking receptions that actually makes you want to get married. You know what I mean? You know those ones you go to where you're just sitting there going oh Jesus I give this about three months. Oh I've told this story before. I'll go fuck yourselves. That time I went to

that wedding and the groom was toasting his wife and he was like searching for words. He's like I like to toast my wife for uh

granting me. Everybody's just staring down at their fucking half-eaten chicken. Oh it was awful. But this was the opposite. This was awesome. They were both glowing. They were excited and their parents were happy and it was fucking great. So

the food was great. Somebody brought like a bunch of in and out burgers. It was the shit. Alright. It was the best goddamn wedding I ever went to. Me and Nia went. We had a great fucking time. So we're sitting there. We're watching all these talented people going up there. Some people being funny. Some people singing these really great songs

and it was just awesome and all of it was in celebration of this couple finding love. Okay. And then all of a sudden this fucking lady goes up to the mic. Alright. Right off the bat. Just to give you

a little advice. Not a little advice. A little description. She's wearing a pretty much see-through dress. Like if you're close enough you can see her bra and panties but there's enough of a pattern where

they're not totally exposed but there's not enough of a pattern that you can't see her bra and panties. So right off the bat she's giving. You know what I mean? It's like when a defensive tackle figures out whatever the quarterback's ticket is and can figure

out if it's a runner or a pass. It's the same thing. She went up there with her bra and panties exposed right there. She's saying, I am gonna try and steal focus and make this shit all about me. But you know, nobody really

knows what's coming. So she walks up there and after everybody is sitting at this wonderful fucking wedding that is celebrating these two wonderful people finding love. She goes up there and this is her opener. She goes up and on the mic

she goes, um I think I deserve a round of applause because I'm the one who set these two people up. That's how she starts. There's an awkward

pause, awkward silence and then people just sort of clap like, okay and then she proceeds to tell a story of how she met the her and the groom where she started

to tell the story of how she set up the bride and the groom. And she starts talking about how the groom he just got out of this treacherous relationship. Remember she kept using that word treacherous relationship. I had also gotten out of a treacherous relationship. She starts bringing up exes.

Okay? She already made it about herself. She got a fucking round of applause and then she took a bow like she was like we decided to applaud her like she was mocking the applause. It's like, no bitch, you fucking asked for it. Alright? Then she brings up this dude's

exes and then she starts talking about how when she introduced two of them, they talked for like an hour and afterwards, I said to the bride so what did you think? She got in on nice guy and then I said, I think he's really into into you. And then

she said, oh, he was into me? I thought he was gay. So she brings up the groom questioning basically his sexuality. And it was a fucking masterpiece. 10 minutes of just, she steered

the wedding into the sun and she came out the other fucking side and everyone was on fire after it was it was so fucking horrific. You know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of back in the day when I first started doing standup

and I was working the Kowloon the Chinese restaurant up on Route 1 in Saugustu get a fucking poo poo plat a kid fucking scorpion bowls um shows you how far I come. I've come from working

upstairs at a Chinese restaurant to working in a mall in Columbus Ohio. I actually love that fucking gig and when I'm in the club I feel like I'm in a comedy club but when I walk out, you know oh god I'm across from a fucking dick sporting good

it just kills it for me. So anyways plowing your head. What that lady did, it reminded me of when I first started off doing comedy and I was sitting at the back of uh, it was Nick's comedy stop at the Kowloon and I was in the back and I was watching

these guys who had been doing it for like 5 6 years and I was in awe of this game that they were playing because I was so new I would go on stage and all I wanted was the crowd to like me so I could somehow not get heckled, not get booed and survive another day in this fucking brutal business

but these guys, you know, they knew what the fuck they were doing so they were playing this game where you would go on stage and the first thing out of your mouth you had to completely turn the crowd off you had to make the crowd fucking hate you absolutely fucking

hate you and then you immediately go right into your act and you never addressed what the fuck you said, you never say that it was a joke, you just don't address it and then you try and see if you can get them back and it was fucking hilarious but it was really hard

to find that perfect thing to say to make everybody immediately fucking hate you. What most comics did was they went so far that what they said was so over the top and so ridiculous that the crowd knew they weren't serious and they would actually laugh

I swear to god it's like a tightrope I don't know that you can do it on purpose but this lady at the wedding was the greatest I've ever seen anybody do that she walked up there and within after I think I deserve a round of applause

immediately I hated her and you felt it everybody not everybody I'm speaking I'm projecting here but I think some people did just too good of human beings to just hate someone like that or even suspect they're just such good people

that they would never suspect that somebody would try to make a moment like that about themselves then you got a jaded cut like me okay and I see through this bitch just like I can see right through her fucking dress and but I have to tell you the more I thought about it it was

it was actually it was almost like performance art so now that I feel like I've told this story way too fucking long but if you guys have any stories like that like the you know the Steve basically the Steve Buscemi character and Adam Sandler's the wedding crusher that's basically

what I was watching and if you guys have any great stories like that like really unique ones I don't want to hear the ones that you got drunk and he said something stupid I think those have been done to death unless you have a really unique story or possibly video of it I'd love to see it

but anyways so then she ended up getting off and and then the ceremony continued and it was it was fucking tremendous I actually had a couple of those moments this weekend

you know I was like I said I'm off my diet kind of a fucking man am I that I'm talking about being on a goddamn diet what happened you know what you know what I love about the greatest generation is when you walk

down the street you say hello to them they they enthusiastically say hello back to you I fucking love old people walking down the street with my dog Cleo right we had just gone on a hike

and uh I see this old old fella he's walking the other way and he's looking right at me and I said hey good morning he goes hey good morning to you too how are you you know nice little conversation made you feel like you were in the beginning of like a Disney movie right

and then like another 30 yards down the street this someone from like my generation so am I you know that guy put a fucking song in my heart I'm half skipping down the street I see this person my age I'm like hey how you doing the person was just like mumbled some shit

it's like you know I go I get hit by a fucking car so anyways as I said I'm off my diet and I was coming back home from the club you know because I ate like shit when I was on the road and I'm on the crack right now I got the sugar and salt pouring

through my system and I'm driving home and I just want to go home and my fucking body is going go into the supermarket buy a vat of ice cream and fucking stick it in your pie hole you know so I'm a weak individual I pull into Ralph's

the worst name ever for a grocery store Ralph's slang for puking and you sell food right no one ever thought that the fucking how big is your goddamn ego Ralph that you still named it after yourself

so anyways I go into this place and I I get the fucking ice cream and as I'm standing up there I see there's this impulse buy things it says the top whatever fucking 20 places to get breakfast in Los Angeles

and they got on the cover they got this goddamn egg ham bacon and cheese sandwich on a buttery biscuit it just looked absolutely delicious like I said I'm on the crack you know if I was eating oatmeal and having the salads and all that type of shit

I would look at it and that food wouldn't even make sense to me you know but because I got the salt and sugar in my veins right now I'm themed in I was like I'm buying that fucking magazine if I could eat that cover right now I would so I buy the magazine I come home

I show it to my lady right and they got all this list of the best fucking places to get breakfast in Los Angeles and so we decide we're gonna pick one out we're gonna go there the next day and I gotta tell you something

I got an overrated for you overrated picking up a fucking magazine that lists ten great places to go to breakfast and then believing that no one else read the magazine and there's not gonna be a line three miles long the next fucking morning when you show up to get your pancakes that's exactly what happened

we pull up and I see this fucking looks like a goddamn bread line during the depression and then with Nia and her mom and I immediately just go hey you guys wanna go somewhere else and then somebody in the car goes well there's probably gonna be a line everywhere right so we fucking stand in line

for forty minutes got to the point I'm crouching down like a my back is killing my lower back like I'm so old I can't stand for longer than like twenty minutes without my lower back killing me so I'm standing there forty minutes in I'm crouching down like a

you ever see Asians when they have a conversation in China how they just fucking they can crouch down like that or people in India you know how they crouch down like that they've been doing it their whole lives so their hamstrings are all stretched out I was squatting down like that

my big head turning all red I'm trying to stand in a little bit of the shade and I don't know finally I was like let's get the fuck out of here right so everybody agreed we leave and we end up going

I mean we stood in line for breakfast so long it was now time to get lunch so we end up going down we were on Santa Monica and we go down into West Hollywood and there's a place down there hamburger Harries they have great fucking they got great burgers but it's also one of the gayest places

you ever go to in your life I didn't realize how gay it was and I went there and the waiter was like really gay or whatever but I didn't really think about it right so I drop off the ladies and I go over and I park the car I get out of the car and I come walking in

and I'm starving and as I'm walking in all of a sudden this guy pushes me in the back like gave me a nice little shove and I turn around and he goes do you need a table this fucking this fucking gay dude

push me in the back push me like fucked up like not hard enough to make me stumble but hard enough to fuck up the gate of my walk and immediately you know felt the feelings you feel when somebody fucking pushes you

when I turn around like what the fuck and the guy's just down there do you need a table and I went no I'm just meeting them over there and then he kind of had a weird look on his face and he walked away and I sit down and he's like hey how's it going

how's it going I go that fucking gay guy just push me so I tell him the story and I go what the fuck is it some gay thing you just fucking go around pushing people and then Nia goes he was probably hitting on you right so now my ego kicks in I'm like fuck I still am in shape

so for any of my fucking twinkle-toed listeners out there is that how you guys hit on each other was that just like hey silly do you want a table is that what he was doing was fucking annoying whatever it was then I felt embarrassed then I felt bad like like that look on his face

when I went no I'm sitting over here like then he thought that I don't know what that I was saying get out of here you queer you know because that's a whole big fucking thing now you gotta be nice to those guys you know what the fuck I'm saying so anyways so we sit down

alright and immediately the dude comes over hi can I take your order we fucking order and we're getting our food immediately the way you should when you go out to eat so now despite the fact that the fucking the waiter pushed me like that dude who pushed

Zidane O'Chara after he scored the goal that's basically how he pushed me and then I turned around and looked at him like I was gonna run him into the boards basically right so they fucking bring the food over it's delicious everything's going great and then all of a sudden this fucking dude gets on

the mic and you can't see him he's like okay everybody show starting in ten minutes right and I say to Nia go what's going on she goes evidently they're gonna have a show so it's fucking broad daylight out I guess

they're gonna come out and drag and they're gonna do a show like this is this is how gay this place is that they're gonna have a brunch slash transvestite lip-sync fucking show and I gotta tell you it was absolutely fucking hilarious

we was sitting there and the guy on the mic it's like 11 30 in the morning and he said cunt on the mic he goes come on bitches drink up we're having a show don't be a bunch of something I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm just feeling a little cunty I'm sitting there with Nia's mom and this guy starts saying cunt like every other fucking word in broad daylight and as a comedian I had to respect the guy alright I've never said cunt

on stage when the sun's out I'm not gonna lie to you I barely say it on stage I say it a ton of times here because it's ridiculous but I really don't say it that much on a comedy club stage and this dude slash half a lady is saying cunt every other word at brunch

and uh so anyway so they come down like three of them the host sucked right he had this giant head with this huge fucking uh I don't know what blonde wig on

and he was like doing jokes this should have been funny but weren't at some point he said something about a bloody pussy and we're sitting here eating brunch and he makes a bloody pussy joke so just as a comedian this should have been hilarious but timing was awful

he'd say the set up and then he'd mumble the punchline and he was annoying me the next one came out was alright the dude looked like Nancy Grace so that was cracking me up and then uh the next one looked like a soccer mom if if she was in

Battlestar Galactica you know when they have those uh you know they get that Woodstock Ellen DeGeneres haircut kind of had that but spiked up and that was hilarious and then the last one freaked me out there's always one that's going to freak you out because it's going to almost look like a fucking chick

so it had like acid plants and it's like I'm trying to eat I gotta get out of here so I go up I walk out of the restaurant because you know it's one of those deals you it's like when in Rome you went into their place so you gotta tolerate then it becomes this that point

where you're just like alright this is this is too fucking creepy I gotta get out of here you know so I walk out and I'm standing on the corner out in front of this place that turned into the gayest place I've ever been in and I gotta tell you I walk down the street

all the time in LA nobody ever tells me that they saw me nobody's ever seen me nothing I come walking out of this place right and this behind me is this the transvestite that almost looks like a chick with acid plants and is dancing

to salt and pepper push it I swear to god so I'm I'm standing out in front of that place and it's that part of the song is going ah push it and this guy pulls up from the comedy store stopping the red light he's like hey Bill how you

doing and I'm just like hey how's it going in the fucking background and my face literally turned red with embarrassment but fortunately fortunately the guy owned a restaurant across the way so then he

ended up coming out coming over to me coming out how fucking funny is that he comes over to me and he goes you know to shoot the shit because I've been telling him I was going to go to his restaurant and that just then fortunately Nia and her mom walked out and I've never been so relieved to be like

this is my girlfriend and this is her mom I didn't know that there was going to be a fucking it was like a mid 80s I don't know what a mid 80s

sitcom you know where there's this situation that even makes sense hey Nia let me see if I can get her in here for a second hang on a second alright here we go I just hit pause I brought the lovely Nia in once again the lovely Nia coming back

to the podcast how are you sweetheart I'm doing good I'm telling the story of how I just got done telling the story of how we went to that you know that brunch place there was the unbelievably long bread line I was crouching down my back was killing me

down to hamburger Harry's and all of a sudden the transvestites hamburger Mary's whatever okay Mary of course the gay place in west Hollywood how can you forget that it's Mary no there was a place in New York called

hamburger Harry's maybe that's what it was but I was just telling listeners I was never so fucking relieved is when you when your mom came out after that fucking you that place is awesome

it was awesome but that last dude fucking freaked me out that was too weird I don't mind like transvestites are fucking hilarious to me especially if they're a little bit angry you know why was I born with a dick if that was fucking the underlining thing of all their comedy

is fucking hilarious to me there actually used to be a tranny fucking stand up in New York went by the name of Sharon needles like Sharon needles and she whatever the fuck you supposed to say it's a he

it doesn't why does it hurt you to say the pronoun that they would prefer because I feel like I am respectful of the fact that they want to be called she or he it doesn't

it feels funny it doesn't impact your life in that come on give me a break wait why can't I say how I feel about it you're talking over me here because you're acting like it really makes you feel like oh I'm living alive

like come on I can't sit there and go like oh she knowing that he's gay he's got a fucking dick and balls it's a guy in a dress and I just feel like you're fucking sitting there it's like you're sitting there with an algae

and you're acting like they're not an algae and you're gonna sit there and enable them no I gotta be honest I don't know why it just makes it's weird well fine maybe it's weird for you but don't compare people

being transgendered to being alcoholics because it's not the same thing at all it's a guy who's an alcoholic and he's acting like he's not an alcoholic I've never been this fucking serious it's the podcast this whole fucking thing is a joke

so anyways this dude used to go up there and address Sharon Needles and would go up what was absolutely fucking hilarious for some reason stopped doing it but the dude was hilarious you like Murray Hill too remember Murray Hill when we went to go see Dita Von Teese and Murray Hill was the

MC I was so disappointed with that fucking show she was hilarious she she got a JJ what were you you weren't disappointed in Murray Hill

no she was fucking hilarious she saved the show but the fuck we go down there who's the lady the lady who was dancing that night Dita Von Teese so this fucking girl used to be married to Marilyn Manson

so Nia goes hey Bill you want to come down to this show it's gonna be a burlesque show this girl's fucking hot dancing around in her underwear love Dita Von Teese what a great idea I would love to go do it and I went down there thinking that this was just gonna be sort of an upscale titty bar show

and I went down there and it was the gay it was all gay guys and those two douchebags making out it was fucking gross it was a little much if they were straight if they were straight making out like that it was fucking gross

people shouldn't be they were literally they were on their way to having sex that's how much they were making out it was too much I thought the whole thing was false advertising because you're showing some ladies

gonna go in there and strip down to her fucking hoohah you think you're gonna be going in there it's gonna be a bunch of guys going show your tits it's a burlesque show it's a totally different crowd now I know the more you know

so anyways you talking about hamburger marries I don't know, I think I fucked up I should have brought you in as I told the story I decided for some dumb reason to tell the story first and then bring you in during the epilogue this is like the end of like chips

right now, we're supposed to tell a joke and then laugh and then they freeze us that's basically what's going on yep, that's it is that it? I think we're just gonna stare at each other so we've decided that we're gonna visit these other hot breakfast places that they have out here

yeah but we're gonna do it on days when people have to go to work that's right, we're not gonna go on weekends what is this podcast just become right now I was talking about brunch

it's just become a fucking relationship podcast, we have to get out of this you know what, let's do some advice here oh yeah bring it who is your favorite transvestite of the show the last performer was fantastic that fucking with the acid plants

that was fucking creepy she was hot you know something, I wish that why are you yelling? because that's what I do because I wasn't allowed to yell last week it's the only way I'm funny I have to yell, I have to curse it is a crutch, it's what I do

it's my thing, it's my hook see you know what, I wish that last fucking lady that you're saying, dropped his fucking coochie cutters and his junk just spilled out, just to watch the look in your face alright, can you have a little consideration

for my fucking listeners, this was just supposed to be it was supposed to be a funny story about me walking out and standing in front of basically a gay bar and then somebody fucking like, bye it was your second time being outed as a patron of hamburger mary's

the first time we went there you got outed by somebody that was like, what are you doing here the fucking burgers are delicious what do you want from me? that place is great but that was not the first time you have been outed you know what's funny, every time I go there that's right, every time I go there

you get spotted and that dude was going, so what are you doing here I'm like, why I'm here getting a burger and he goes do you live in this neighborhood I know he was totally trying to fucking me out but that place is great, the waiters are nice

the atmosphere is funny you know what, I've never been married I don't have any kids, I'm still in shape I'm fucking having burgers in West Hollywood, I mean Jesus Christ it's all there, a bunch of red flags alright, here's uh do I dare read this one

with you in the fucking room oh no this is one about a threesome oh, yeah, let's talk about let's go with still a virgin ola bill my younger brother and I have been having this debate about whether

he took his girlfriend's virginity oh, I thought this was going to be about a guy who's still a virgin alright, this might get ugly alright, my brother and I have been having this debate about whether he took his girlfriend's virginity my brother who is now 20 has been dating the same

chick since they met in Catholic High School he says his girlfriend is saving herself for marriage like a good Catholic my brother on the other hand lost his virginity before they met so get this, get a load of this this guy's writing it like it's the 20 here's the kicker, see

instead of typical fucking this chick lets my brother fuck her in the ass let's read that again so get this get a load of this instead of typical fucking this chick lets my brother fuck her in the ass

and furthermore she is convinced that she is still a virgin I tell my brother first consider yourself lucky because most women will never let you do that and second, this chick is not only a fucking whore but is

fucking royally stupid according to her Catholic standards if you only have anal sex then you're still a virgin, this is complete horseshit, it's sad to me because I know this isn't an isolated incident but rather a growing phenomenon what websites are you going to sir

it appears that more and more so called Catholic school goody two shoe bitches have been brainwashed to think that they are wholly in the eyes of the lord by maintaining their virginity even though they spread their butt cheeks we get it please bill for the love of

all that is holy help me to convince not only my brother but all these so called children of god that even if you don't fuck a girl in their vagina that a girl loses her virginia virginity when she gets banged

in the ass this is the problem with lack of sexual education in this country particularly when it comes to Catholic school and religion before you get on your soapbox do you feel

I just knocked you off do you feel that this woman is still a virgin she's not a virgin even though when you go to put it in her her hymen isn't broken her hymen isn't place the seal hasn't been broken

on the bottle but you screwed in the bottom and all the liquid is poured out but this is a problem though because you're supposed to be this virtuous woman so yeah it does create this weird complex in you and then you do one of the most skankiest

sex act you could possibly do why is that skanky it's all sex listen no you listen because sex act is a sex act they shouldn't be demonized one way or another

you take umbridge with this guy calling this girl a whore just because she's having anal sex okay are you a whore because you bang girls shut the fuck up no that's not true that's wrong that's the wrong way to look at it he's not a whore well he's calling her a whore just because

she's having anal sex why because she took it in the age so to a lot of people it doesn't make them whores it's a sex act but it's a dirty filthy one it's your issue and people need to let that go but as far as him though

it doesn't matter what he does he's never gonna be a whore he's a guy right listen I'll explain it to you this way if you take that patronizing tone with me well you already used the word umbridge yeah because I'm smart

don't get all insecure I don't know what umbridge I take umbridge I take umbridge with the fact that you used umbridge you didn't warn me that you were gonna do that can you see the look in my eyes meet the press I've heard a lot of girls are doing that these days

they're having anal sex thinking that it's not regular sex but it's all sex people so if you're taking it in the ass or you're taking it in the veg let's look at it like a drug a drug way in a drug sense

making out that's like you had a beer getting felt up you smoked a joint going to third going to second going to third is uh like you just did some blow and getting

fucked no wait I went all over the place I lost my train of thought if it was like drugs first base is drinking second base is weed third base is coke

or maybe shrooms it's shrooms home is coke and then getting banged in the ass is harrowing with some meth that's like you're not coming back so she skipped that's what she did she went from just sort of

drinking and smoking some weed and went straight to meth it's beyond needy it's beyond you ran past home plate you went into the dugout you ran right out of the fucking stadium why is he worried about his brother and the girl that he's fucking

why don't you worry about getting your own piece of tail he actually agrees with you that there's a misinformation out here yeah but he's directing it towards the girls that are doing it not to the people who come up with these rules to begin with that's where his anger should be

not towards the girls I'm standing up I'm walking around which means I'm about ready to drop some knowledge alright here you go he's not interested in knowledge he's interested in judgment and shaming people oh Jesus they just never stop

this is why if a guy does it he's not a whore if a woman does it she is okay this is first of all why it's not a big deal if a guy engages in that act it's basically it's because

we enter you allow somebody to enter your body that's like so much more than what the fuck we do that's why sex is not a big deal to us I've told you this analogy before that basically this is the deal if somebody said hey

I'll give you a thousand bucks to go over to that say there's a birthday cake give you a thousand bucks to go over there and just stick your finger in it you do it in a second right if somebody said I'll give you a thousand bucks to take that cake and shove it up your ass alright

you'd have some questions where is that cake been what do I get out of it you'd negotiate for more fucking money so that's the same thing that's just what we do sticking our fingers in cakes that's how much sex means to us

I think that's bullshit well I don't expect you to understand it I'm not saying that I don't understand this isn't about my comprehension of this it's about how I don't believe that that's why you guys think way more about who you're gonna have sex with

cause you're letting somebody enter your fucking body me when I'm just walking around I'm poking people no it's conditioning it's not like reality it's conditioning you grow up with this idea that you're supposed to not feel a certain way if you use the word society

I swear to god we are just brainwashed from day one that what we do is wrong so many guys who have had emotional moments when having sex with somebody they just don't want to talk about it you I've had an emotional moment

like what oh god why are you making it sound like I cried or something I never did that no you never did that so why did you just say that you're just making shit up I'm sure there's guys out there

there's no research behind that do you like me to talk about my research or would that make you uncomfortable oh this is world series of poker you just went all in now I gotta figure out if you're bluffing or not am I gonna call your hand oh you're staring right at me

ah you fucking pain in the ass I'm folding why do you always do this to me on the podcast this is the second time call you on your bullshit if you ever do that again you're nodding with your eyebrows

calling you on your bullshit the fucking ego of females you guys are just always patting yourself on the back as are you let me tell you something right now if you were a fucking dude right now I'd kick you in the chest and watch you fall right off the bed but I can't do it

because that's what you deserve right now but I can't do it because you're a lady you know what I love about yelling in this fucking apartment is I love that it bugs that old motherfucker okay and I know that he calls I'm whispering again like I'm back in Brunswick I'm having a Vietnam flashback

um I love that he calls and complains and I love that the landlord doesn't give a fuck because we pay like 90 times what that guy pays at the end of the day so that's you know we're like a fucking super power up here and he's a third world

country and he's down there picking the coffee beans and we're coming in taking them all and telling them to go back to his fucking hut you know and then my landlord is buying into the fact that we're actually helping him to become free

right? I can't remember if I already said that on this podcast because I started and stopped this thing so anyway let's let's let's move on let's move on to another one it's about three sims Nia okay you stop rubbing your feet together she has this thing where she just always

rubbing her feet together it's called self soothing yeah my world is called jerking off alright hi Bill how are you? I'm a big fan out of Edmonton, Alberta Canada

I've been up there, Northlands call to see him on the greatest hockey team I was gonna say I've heard you talk about it in regards to hockey Edmonton okay you got fans up here so pull a Louis CK and come up some good food, some good beer that you no longer drink

and some women that I feel put Montreal to shame oh shit I like that huh? I like the ladies okay need some advice and if you felt like bringing in the lovely Nia lady then by all means do so as a woman's thoughts would be very welcomed

alright here we go my fiance my fiance from Virginia told me recently that one of her fantasies is a threesome with another lady thing is whenever I bring it up she gets squeamish about it

I've come across two separate women that have said they're interested in her and I as a couple but when it was time to meet my fiance pretty much said she didn't want to once was due to my fiance being three months pregnant with our first

born we don't judge you on the podcast why would you even say you know you're not a dirtbag that's actually really hilarious but how inappropriate would it be to have a well I'm sure people have done I wonder how that would damage the kid what are you talking about

just how the kid is in there and he can hear like you know no they can't you know maybe the kid would become a porn star you never seen that thing when people read books to the womb and the kid comes out and all of a sudden he can do calculus

you never seen that you play music to the kid he comes out and he's like wait a minute anyway just keep reading what's it like a little tadpole in there you can't understand anything

it's not going to be affected by a threesome that's actually hilarious at that point it looked that's when the baby the baby looks like a little t-rex with one of those fucking alien heads once it was due to my fiancé being 3 months pregnant

with our firstborn and the second time was because I had a crush on said woman well Jesus Christ give yourself a dog in the fight sir so what gives this guy is a moron this guy is a moron I don't get what's going on

what's the problem wow she's fond of girl porn when she rubs one out makes comments when we're in public about other women being attractive sexually so she portrays herself as into them

yet she doesn't pursue her supposed fantasy and when I bring it up she seems put off about the whole thing should I keep trying to make it happen or just throwing the towel oh yeah cause it's going really good so far hey hey hey we give people hope during the advice section

she's pursuing it cause your methods are obviously amazing she's most likely saying well if he didn't need help he wouldn't have wrote in and she's most likely saying she's into the three way to appease me in some warped twisted woman way thanks for the advice

go fuck yourself alright here we go here we go alright dude there's a bunch of stuff going on here first of all I can't really say that those were attempts when you tried to have a threesome

when your your fiance was three months pregnant with the baby and then secondly the fact that you're attracted to the other you're not attracted you had a crush on the other woman there's rules

to having a fucking threesome you can't have feelings for the other woman and for the most part you can't climax with the other one that's also a problem from what I've heard I've never had one I never had I never had it

twice in my life I could have had a threesome when I was younger but I was too fucking stupid to realize it was going on I just remember seeing that going like why would her girlfriend leave I'm trying to get laid here then another time I was working in Buffalo and these girls just put it on the table

they put it on the table they basically said we're like a coalition I remember they used that word and one was hot and the other one looked like a three-story brownstone she was a fucking she was like a building she was like a grenade

she was like 6'3 there was a guy who used to play for the Portland Trailblazers Duckworth that's what she looked like with the vagina and I was just like you know I never had that ability I never had that ability to just bang something

that I wasn't attracted to it was just always disgusting to me so there you go so from what I've heard sir I'm not speaking from a a place of experience here but I will tell you this if you're gonna have a fucking threesome

I wouldn't do it with someone you're in a relationship with I don't think the relationship is ever the fucking same and I don't know it's just it's a weird thing well I think the issue that he's having with his wife now fiance

he's just marrying her because he knocked her up Jesus is that she talks about wanting to be with women but is not acting on it but a lot of times people have these sexual fantasies and they're just meant to be fantasies they're not really necessarily gonna be a reality just because you

in your mind's eye ooh that would be interesting doesn't mean like a lot of women have the gang bang fantasy that doesn't mean they're gonna go into a fucking loading dock and lay down and be like who wants it right sorry I have male listeners I have to get to the point here

sure you have female listeners too you know yeah so that doesn't necessarily mean that she's actually gonna want to do it and your methods of trying to go about it are just so off the mark it's like laughable alright well let's say I wanted to have a threesome with you alright which I do

yeah I don't I do in my head but I don't I don't want to do it because it's gonna fuck everything up you really think so yes it's gonna be fucking weird it's gonna be weird it's you know what it is the you fucking you cross too many you open too many

Pandora's box whatever the fucking expression is you never come back you don't come back yeah and it's and it's like you have to start over again you'd have to I get I don't know you know it's like we were talking about Madonna I remember Madonna when they were playing like

that was another thing too to add to the gayness of that bar they were playing Madonna videos and you were talking about her getting fucking divorced her taste in men how she likes those I was saying like when she wants a husband she goes for like the

alpha male white guy you know usually very like a macho strong man right but then when she has her lovers that's when she has a 20 something year old Latino boy that no one's ever heard of that's like her little boy toy so here's the thing this girl is sold out

fucking Madison Square Garden she's already done the fucking astronaut tour you know the astronauts they go around the fucking world they see how beautiful it is and then they start crying at a stoplight you know they've just seen too much it's the same thing with her she's seen too much so there's no way she's ever gonna be able to keep a marriage going because

at any moment as as she has to sit there and be unselfish and listen to this fucking square headed white guy that she likes she likes square headed white guys right so it's the guys going like you're not fucking giving me what I need at any moment she can pull the rip cord

still sell out Madison Square Garden and then go bang some fucking stud fetish guy if I had those options near you you think I'd be listening to you at any point I could go in and fucking trade your ass in

for some fucking 22 year old how do I just start blowing me immediately please I'd be out of here in a second I am right I'd like to see you try it anyway that was some of the worst shit talking I've ever heard

yeah see I'd like to see you try it why I ought to why don't you stop having a jerk tone to this guy back to your listener why don't you let your the person that you're in the relationship with why don't you let her lead the way on this

because now you're just becoming like bad advice that's guy that's putting all this this pressure on her just let her just let her open the door to it if she wants to if not leave it alone there's no need to keep pushing it this is what you do this is what you do bad advice again because you don't know what you're talking about

yes I do know what I'm talking about a lot of people value my advice here's the name and I like myself alright this is the deal fuck this you want this to happen sir this is what you gotta do if you listen to Nia

and you let her lead the way it's never gonna happen okay because she's not gonna act on it the next time you find someone who finds you guys attractive as a couple do not tell your fucking fiance about it alright you tell the girl that's into it listen you gotta fucking make it look natural

sorta coerce her into it that type of thing you just make it seem like it's natural oh yeah coercion is great you go up to the bar and then you just make it seem like it happened naturally and then you never tell her the fucking secret and then that's it that's how you do it because she's not gonna take the lead

and this guy is all fucking knees and elbows she was pregnant and I had a crush on the other girl what gives yeah no just the next time that there's a girl that's fucking interested in you as a couple don't tell your wife about it and then go up there fucking strike up a conversation

and just say listen do not flirt with me at all just flirt with her and get her fucking motor running and then maybe it'll go down and then what you want to do is try to start the kissing there at the bar it's actually not bad advice thank you

thank you see that's how you do it because I'm telling you it's not gonna happen she's like I like it but I get scared it's not gonna happen so you gotta make it seem like it's natural that's how you do it you gotta get sneaky there sir that's what I just advocated

fair enough look at that huh every once in a while she agrees with me ahh what else what else is there alright you're not gonna like this one this one this was some guy talking to me about sports this is the last thing and then I gotta end the podcast here

because I got shit to fucking do hi Bill I'm gonna fuck with your little world here buddy this guy's coming real arrogant I'm gonna go I'm going straight into the shit talking then maybe I'll qualify my statements with some buttering up you smug cunt

I like him alright I do not understand your fanatic fandom of professional sports yet deplore the existence of large corporations and bankers this is an oxymoron because professional sports are big corporations financed by international

banks slash bankers I didn't know that I thought they were mom and pop stores this is gonna I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is gonna be really informative the players are just commodities that these corporations

buy and sell on the exchange ooh he's doing a little parallel comparison there you fucking moron this is this is you know I love about this is if you just did this to piss me off this is so fucking condescending the players have no attachment to anything they

go where they make the most money do they really I never noticed that all these years of watching people go into free agency god this is fascinating sports franchises in quote by the way that is a business term and has nothing

to do with sports are run there listen to this and this is very informative they're actually run by executives like CEO CFOs etc do you believe that I had no idea they only care about the financial performance of that corporation as their bonuses are directly

tied to it that's horseshit that's horseshit not if it's family run Steinbrenners don't care about that they want to win they want to win first obviously they want to make money so now you speaking in generalizations alright players bonuses are directly related to their performances on the field why is he explaining this to me

how could you hate corporations bankers etc and have a love for professional sports as they are the same thing well because the new england patriots never spilled 9 zillion gallons of oil into the fucking Gulf of Mexico and then refused to fucking clean it up without the government bailing them out

that's why sir that's why that's why I understand that they're corporations I understand that it's a business and I understand that how would I not understand how especially after this year after they went on strike and they're talking about how the players

union had a collective bargaining agreement and how the owners agreed to it in 2006 and then decided that they weren't getting a big enough slice of the pie so they just basically took their stadiums and went home and then suggested that they

play 18 games a year rather than 16 clearly not giving a fuck about the players and treating them just like commodities I totally understand that sir but this is the thing sports I guess if you were really going to be the one thing that I will say about the corporations

I don't like I don't like when they hold a town hostage and say build us a new stadium or we're leaving I always think the city should be like yeah we'll fucking leave and then every other city to say well we're not going to build you one so now what are you going to do but that's not going to happen I understand sir I get

that they're corporations I get it alright thank you for that that guy is I think he's douchebag of the week he really is he's comparing one World Bank one World Currency and microchipping people to the I don't know

NFL football the Vancouver Canucks evidently they're just as bad as Chase Manhattan Bank great point sir do you got any others you'd like to share alright this podcast went off the rails alright I was going to have an overrated underrated overrated

I was going to say college football in September you know when you're watching Nebraska play Bunker Hill Community College you know and they're favored by 72 points and actually I saw a bunch of good games this week Utah State almost beat Auburn right you saw that game didn't you

yeah you know something I think I discovered a way to annoy Nia that I've never even thought of I'll just talk about sports alright this podcast is like on life support right now why I thought it was going really well well you know there's a lot of female comics

going on stage and they think that they're doing well too Bill shut the fuck up what even with that I fucking trash everybody what because they're fucking women I can't trash them there's plenty of funny female comics out there I just made that joke go fuck yourself fine

what are you doing to the poll you just keep bringing it down what am I doing you're laying on your back I'm not phoning it in this is how I'm able to do my best you know what get away from me

enough of you alright that's it that's the podcast for this week I am going to be at the funny bone in Columbus Ohio wait a minute what's underrated huh I didn't have an underrated underrated bringing your girlfriend in on the fucking part no that's overrated bring your gamma fucking mourn

underrated working out you're underrated overrated before you fucking say him I'm going to be at the funny bone Columbus Ohio Friday Saturday and Sunday of this week that's Friday September 2nd no what am I talking about what's today's date the 5th no

September 9th 10th and 11th I'm going to be out there and then I'm going to be in the Largo Cornette Theater in Los Angeles for two shows on Tuesday September 13th and then the final thing I got is Friday Saturday

I'm going to be at the Wilba Theater in Boston Massachusetts that is it that's the podcast for this week thank you for everybody for listening thank you guys once again for all the donations I am currently working on a new badass website

and I am going to be updating all kinds of stuff in my technological world so be looking for that in the next month that is it go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week you can count on us because until April 15th

Ikea family members will be free at the purchase of a hot meal for adults