Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-20

Episode Date: January 10, 2020

Bill rambles about Memphis, major league venues, and New Orleans.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Hey, guess what? My record is going to run out of fucking batteries in a goddamn five minutes. Jesus Christ. And for some reason, as amazing as this Olympus LS 100 is, you cannot charge and record at the same fucking time. So, Bill, you're going to bitch about technology again. Yes, I am. I am in New Orleans, home of the New Orleans, Nolan Saints. I'm not going to do a bad New Orleans accent. I hate every time there's a fucking sporting event down here. They got to go find some Creole fucking guys sitting there eating crawfish

going, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, whatever the fucking guy is. I get it. I get it. They talk different down here. You know, they do that in every stupid goddamn city. Every time there's a fucking big game in Philly, they got to teach me how to order a fucking cheese steak. Anytime that's up in Boston, they always show some fucking lobster fishermen tie in a sailor's knot. I lived there for 27 years. I never met a fucking fisherman ever. I didn't know anybody worked in a lighthouse and I never went on the fucking freedom trail. All right, New York City, they always show the Statue of Liberty. You know, is it the Statue of Liberty? A bunch of people who weren't New

Yorkers. All right, because this is the deal. You're not going to go stand in line in your own fucking city. Okay, you know why? Because it's for fucking jerkoffs. You know, is it the Statue of Liberty right now? A bunch of fucking jerkoffs. Gonna stand up there and fucking do a little selfie and stick your hand out. So it looks like you're fucking holding the Statue of Liberty up as you look up and try to be cute and do the fucking, what's the Dr. Evil little fucking pinky tea of your mouth? Or maybe you scale up it so you can do one of those little fucking squirrel suit jumps into the fucking water. Maybe that's what you do or hang from it by one arm. So you get more Instagram fucking views. You

know something? I went to two basketball games the last couple nights getting ready for I got three nights here in New Orleans at the Mahalia Jackson Theater. And I went to the Memphis Grizzlies on, what was it, Tuesday? Yeah, Tuesday. And then last night I went to the fucking Pelicans game. And that's it. With those two, I am done with the NBA. I've seen a home game of all 30 fucking teams plus the New Jersey Nets. And I saw the Seattle Sonics at key arena when way back in the day when Kevin Durant was a rookie. I was kind of thinking as I was sitting there how long I've been going on the road and all these fucking places that I went to that don't even exist anymore. Like I saw the Denver Nuggets

at McNichols Arena. And so at this point I've gone to a home game of every football team, every baseball team, including the fucking Montreal Expos and everything in the NBA. And the only thing I have left is like three NHL teams. I got to see the Carolina Hurricanes, the Ottawa Senators, and the Vegas Nights. That's right. And you know something last night as I was sitting there with my accomplishment of going to these fucking games? It was just like, it was kind of depressing. Why did I do that? Did I really need to go to all of those fucking games? I mean most of the teams, when I went to a Golden State Warrior game they had nobody. There was nobody on that fucking team. They were barely in the league

and I just remember the band was amazing. And they were playing Herbie Hancock Chameleon and they were fucking, they were killing it. So I went to most of those games by myself back in the day when I would do a lot of college gigs before young white women ruined stand-up comedy with their feelings. I just want everyone here to just stop for a second and know how I feel after that knock-knock joke. You know, I used to do college gigs all the fucking time and these were not prestigious colleges. These were colleges that I could actually get accepted to. So they were in the middle of nowhere. Most of the people commuted and they didn't really have an area to do a show. And what I would do to prevent from going

out of my mind because I wouldn't have an opener, I would just go there by myself and I would just walk into a cafeteria during the day and they would be eating lunch and I'd be like, hey, I'm the comedian. I'm supposed to be doing an hour here. And then they'd be like, oh, great. And then they just walk up and they'd be like, we got a comedian. His name is Bill Burr. And here he is. That's what they would do. And I would walk on stage as these kids would be looking up from a fucking, I don't know, open face sandwich or hanging out having a good time and just fucking eat my freckled balls for an hour. And as humiliating as it was, it was never the on stage part. It was the waiting to go on. That's what I

hated. I hated waiting. I just wanted to know, I just wanted to know what was going to happen. And once you get on, then it's fine. Even if it's going bad, it's like, oh, it's going to be one of these. All right. But even if it sucked, the fact that you were up there doing it meant that the fucking grains, the salt grains, you know, the little timer, it was going to be over. You were getting it over with. You know what I mean? It's like when you have something in your life that you're fucking running from. If you just fucking go over and do it, no matter what's going to happen, it's done. It's like breaking up with somebody like, God, God, she's going to cry and all of that shit. You just sit

down and say, hey, I'm not happy. I'm not happy. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And then you did it. And then all the other bullshit that happens after that, as much as it's happening and it fucking sucks, it's on its way to being over. It's way worse before you say it. That's how I always looked at it. So I would just fucking go up there. Just get me on stage. Just fucking. We don't have a microphone. Is that going to be a problem? Not a problem. Not a problem. You know what's going to be a problem? Me standing here thinking about what my life's going to be like for the next hour. You know, it's going to be great getting up there and knowing that as bad as it sucks, I only have

59 more minutes. I already have my check in my pocket. I'm going to fucking get out of here and get my purple Dodge Neon. I always somehow, I used to wear it with Enterprise and that's what the fuck they had. And they were all proud of that car and how the lens cover on the front headlights was made out of the same material as a motorcycle fucking helmet. For some reason, they were all excited about that. I don't know why. I don't know what it means, but that's where they were at. So I went to the Memphis Grizzlies and I had, you know, I'm out of the loop with the NBA unless the Celtics are playing somebody and I hadn't heard of this John Morant guy. Jesus Christ. One of the best players I've

seen in forever. As far as like, he just decided at the end of the game, this is a close game and I'm taking over this game and there isn't, there's nothing anybody can do, especially now today's NBA. I'm not going to lie to you, a little skinny guy like that back in the day, catch a couple of elbows to the chest there when he was coming down the lane, but unbelievable fucking player. I can't even, I don't know how to describe it. Everything, how smooth his jumper was, the way he would, you know, create plays for, you know, assist for other people and then just how explosive he was, how he could jump out of the gym. He just was on a completely different level than anybody there. I felt like I was watching

a college game going, this guy is going to make the NBA. He is clearly a head and shoulders above all these other people and he was doing it at the NBA level and I really liked the Grizzlies team. They were fun to watch, that Jackson Jr. guy was great and what's the other guy? Dylan, what's his face? Dylan Brooks, I think. He was cracking me up. He plays an angry game. I was watching him and it's like, this guy is acting like me if I was athletic. From the beginning of the game, he was fucking yelling at the refs just completely, but it worked for him. Who else? I got Grayson Allen on that team or I saw over at Duke when I went to that Duke Carolina game. It was a fucking great game and it's an incredible arena. It's

a new arena too and it's still great, which is amazing because it's mostly seats. I felt like people, even when they were up top, were a lot closer than they are in a lot of these other arenas where you got to have sushi bars and all of that fucking horseshit. We went to the game. We had an awesome time and then we drove six hours from Memphis down in New Orleans, came out to get our rental car. Evidently, somebody stole it. We had to go to the airport and get another one. It is Memphis. I know what can happen. It turns out that somebody else had a great SUV and they fucking gave it to them. We had to go there and I don't speak fucking big to do that set us behind. Oh, I forgot to tell you, we went to Sun Studios

where Elvis, Johnny Cash, the guy who married his cousin, all of those guys who fucking, all of those guys who made all that music. I can't recommend that tour enough. I just really, it's just, this is so few places I've ever gone into where you walk into a room and the hair stands up on your arms. It looks the exact same as when they were in there and they go, that's the door right there where Elvis walked through and he talked to the woman who worked there and the guy who worked there wasn't there but the lady there taught herself how to fucking record and cut an album and here's the first recording of Elvis Presley ever. They said he walked in and the lady knew

he was going to be a star because she felt like a gust of wind and anybody she asked, who do you sound like? They'd be like, oh, I sound like this person. I sound like that and Elvis was like, ma'am, I don't sound like anybody else. And she's like, oh my God. And then he went in there and he fucking recorded this song and the guy who ran it didn't like it. I guess, I don't know what happened. Next thing you know, the guy's fucking huge star. So anyway, you two did rattle and hum there and Larry Mullin Jr. left his 1960s era blue Ludwood kit, kit there, drum kit there. And when the tour was over, I want to thank the tour guy Graham Winchester because he sat down at Piedo and I sat down with the drums in that fucking room, great balls of fire,

all the Johnny Cash songs, all the early Elvis songs, all of that stuff, Chet Perkins, all of those Carl Perkins, all of those guys, BB King, all recorded in that room. And I got to mess around and play little drums while he played Piedo. It was fucking had like an ear to ear grin. It was crazy. Can't recommend that enough, man. Such a fun city and all these people showed up on a Monday night at the two shows on a Monday night. Just had it could not have had a better time. So thank you to everybody. Okay, we got a couple of reads here. All right, honey. What is honey? Honey is the free online shopping tool that automatically finds the best promo codes and applies them to your cart. And you know how great it feels to save. Oh, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

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a fucking old man brain now. What the hell's the name of that kid hospital? The kid hospital that everybody, everybody, uh, this right here is why I don't host shows, because when I'm put on the spot to have to remember something, if it's not sports related, I swear to God, they're like, I will literally forget like my best friend's name. Like when I used to host shows, St. Jude's, there you go. When I used to host shows, I would, I would write the, I would literally write Patrice O'Neill on my hand because, uh, and then when I said wrote it down, then I wouldn't have to look. But if I fucking didn't write it down, I'd be like, Bill, whatever you do, don't forget your friend's name. And then it just, it just disappears. So right there, I had to talk about comedy so

that my brain would go over here and then that St. Jude would pop into my head. So I took a tour of the St. Jude hospital, um, to see what they do, you know, because I donate money there every once in a while. You know, see if it's the, uh, where it's going to, it was an incredible facility and then like there's some sort of cancer over there. It's like, you know, when we first started and there was a 10% survival rate, now it's, uh, over, it's 80%. I know that's still not, I was like, what are you talking about? That's like, uh, 800% improvement. Um, it was incredible. Started by a standup comedian, right? Wasn't he a standup comedian? Danny Thomas? I don't know, Bill, why, why don't you get the facts of your fucking story together

before you start telling stories? I don't know. Cause then this podcast would become work. He's a nightclub comedian, singer, actor, producer, philanthropist whose career spanned five decades. Isn't that amazing? Bill Burr, he's a comedian, a podcaster, and an asshole whose career has spanned three decades. Oh, actually wait, nineties? Holy fuck, I'm on my fourth decade. I'm really not trying not to think about this decade. Do you realize I turned 60 in this decade? In 2028? It's fucking unbelievable. What happened? What happened? Old freckles running down the street with his fire engine red hair. What happened? Where did that guy go? All right, maybe that's why when I went to the Pelicans game, it became so depressing. I was like,

wait a minute, is this, uh, is it cause Zion isn't playing? Um, by the way, like that kid Jackson Hayes. It's gonna be exciting when Zion gets back. Um, and there was somebody on the Chicago Bulls who I swear to God, I don't even know how the fuck he's in the league. I don't even know how the ball goes through the fucking hoop. You're like, the way he was running around with his dumb black sneakers and stuff, I just kept going, look at that fucking guy, this skinny little arms. Um, even when he backed up down the court, he just did not look remotely athletic, but he got the ball and he'd shoot it and it somehow went through the hoop. It made no fucking sense. Um, you know, it makes no sense is why I'm going a million miles an hour on this podcast

right now. Um, why is that bill? Oh, I know why cause I want to get home to my kid and I'm not going to be for a few days. That's been bugging me too. I've been FaceTiming with her and when she gets on the phone with me, she goes, dad, dad, where you living? Can I still live at home? Um, I'm going to be home. So now, now she says, dad, dad, where you working? So she goes, dad, dad, where you living? And I was like, uh, I'm in Memphis, Tennessee. And she goes, Memphis, Tennessee. I don't know that. Um, she's like at the most adorable age, most adorable age ever. Uh, and it's fucking driving me nuts. How much I miss her. So I got to figure out a way to have, to have them come out more often because they would

have had a great time in Memphis. You know, we had some barbecue to it. I'm not going to talk about that shit cause that shit is depressing, but this is what I have learned about my depression is if I just go and work out or walk around and get a little bit of air, I can get it off me. So I don't have that fucking clinical shit. So I think that's why when I went to the fucking Pelicans game, uh, you can tell I'm talking about my emotions. So I'll say fuck way more times to keep the emotions away. Right. Um, I was just thinking all the time that had gone by way back to like the late nineties, when I first started going to, you know, games on the road. Um, I saw the avalanche at McNichols arena. You know, I saw the first time I saw the

Lakers and the Kings. They were still playing at the forum, Bruins at the Boston garden, the fucking Canadians at the, the old, the second forum, um, the Brewers at County stadium, the Astros at the Astro dome. Um, I saw the fucking Seattle Mariners at the, uh, was that the King dome? When fucking, uh, what's his face was still playing center field who ended up on the Reds, Ken Griffey Jr. Um, I should do that someday. Try to figure out how many, how many teams I saw that moved and how many, uh, that should, that's what I should do. I should make a list of that.

And maybe that can stop, make me stop thinking about what I'm feeling right now. Um, anyway, uh, so I got three shows here in New Orleans, but, uh, I got some relatives who actually are coming into town, which is going to be fun. And, uh, I am hanging around to go to the, uh, spending an extra day on the road, something I very rarely do now that I got the kid, but I had to stay because it's LSU versus fucking the Clemson Tigers for all the marbles. So, um, I was going like, oh man, this is going to be a shit show down here. And then it finally dawned on me right as I got here. I was like, wait a minute,

this is like a home game for LSU. So why would anybody who's an LSU Tiger fan stay in New Orleans? You know, they're just going to drive over to the game. And so I asked the lady when we came in, I go, uh, I go, what's, what's the, what's the, uh, the situation here is, is it packed or is, I figure it's a home game is not a lot of LSU people. She goes, yeah, it's not a lot. And, uh, you know, uh, the Clemson Tiger fans are not traveling as well as we thought they were going to, which happens when you win all the championships that they have. So she actually said we had, we cut the rates on some of the hotel rooms.

So if you're thinking of coming down here and scalping a ticket, this might be the year. I don't know. Um, but anyway, uh, I think I'm just going to go for a walk here. And I did a movie here a long time ago called Black or White. And I still kind of remember the city. And I'm just going to take a walk around and I'm going to stay off of bourbon street because bourbon street is for young people and fucking jerk offs. Right. I told it one of the last times I was here, but my lovely wife, and we watched a woman in the middle of the day, fucking just a lake of puke pond, we'll say she fucking puked.

And then somehow inexplicably, she was so hammered, she slipped and fell in her own fucking puke. And this was like it, like 12 30 in the afternoon. And it's one of the hardest I ever laughed in my life as her friends were hammered, trying to pick her up. It was just my half of it was my wife was so grossed out. You know, it reminds me of when I saw a shit, what the fuck is that name? What's the name of that? What's the name of that? Will Ferrell movie? Is it Brothers? Yeah, Brothers. When I saw that movie, I was watching it with my mother-in-law who thought the humor was just ridiculously stupid. And the more the dumber she thought it was, the harder

me and my wife were laughing. And she just kept looking over going, you think this is fine? I mean, I don't think this is funny. Just made it even funnier. It's kind of the same thing. So I think I'm going to skip that. I don't want to watch anybody fucking slipping in their puke. I can't deal with that right now. You know, I had a nice fucking time. I had a nice little run here. So anyway, I got three shows here. I'm working on my, oh fuck, this thing's now blinking. It's going to die any minute since this is like the shittiest fucking internet. By the way, I don't know what New Orleans has against like nutrition and trying to be healthy. But like when I was here all those years ago,

when I was here for the summertime doing that movie, I literally had to take a taxi outside of the city. I went to a bed bath and beyond and bought a juicer. And then like every Monday, they would, they would deliver like vegetables and fruit to this goddamn city. And you had till about three in the afternoon to go in and get some, or it was just gone for the week. And everything was like fried. I could, maybe it's, I mean, it was like seven or eight years ago that I was down here, but like maybe they have some health food restaurants, but everything is just fucking dipped in battered and fucking fried. And I don't know, it's just like, can I just get a fucking apple? Anybody? Does anybody get a fucking apple out here? So I'm kind of going to be

dealing with that and the shadiness of New Orleans. If you do come down here for the game, just know this, if you are on Bourbon Street with all the other young people and jerk offs, this is going to make people not want to go to New Orleans. I remember a long time ago, I went K-Mare, I went to the Patriots versus the St. Louis Rams greatest show on turf. Patriots never won a Super Bowl. I was at that one. And I also went to the one when Brett Favre took his helmet off and went up the field. I saw him recently on the NFL channel, was trying to claim that everybody thought I took that helmet off to draw attention to myself. What I was actually doing was something else. And I forget what he said he was doing,

but it so didn't make sense. I'm still like, no, you took the helmet off because your agent probably told you to do that. So you could run up the field and go get a fucking sneaker deal or something. I don't know. I mean, Joe Montana won way more Super Bowls. I never saw him take his helmet off and run up the field. Anyway, plowing your head here. So I was down on Bourbon Street, just taking it all in. And there was all these people screaming, show your tits, show your tits, all that shit, which I don't even know if you can do that anymore. Now with post-MeToo and postpartum and post fucking woke and all of this fucking shit. But that's what was going on. So I'm down there because like any other guy, I'll see some tits

for some plastic beads. Let's see what's going to happen. And I looked over and there was this guy who looked like Bert Young. It wasn't Bert Young for the record. He looked like Bert Young. And yeah, I'm not forgetting he had he had a shirt on this white button down shirt that was untucked with these black slacks on. And he was standing next to me. He was like leaning back like almost like in yoga when you try to reach up and lean back and stretch your so as right. And he was sort of thrusting his hips forward. So I looked down and he had a belly. So his shirt tails were out and I looked and he had his entire fucking junk out, dick and balls. And I just was like, oh my God, he's got his dick out. He screamed it, right? He's got his dick out.

He's got his dick out, right? Like fucking, uh, what's his face? Eric Roberts in Pope of Greenwich Village, right? Cop shit, his pants. I just kept yelling, he's got his dick out. And I got to hand it to this pervert. Emotionally, the way he handled it, he didn't make a big deal. He just slowly turned and just slipped into the crowd and disappeared. And that was it. I mean, what was I going to do? I was going to go over there and make his citizens a ref on a guy looks like Bert Young, who's got his fucking pre-war fucking dick and balls out. I wasn't going to do it. And I remember being after that, walking down the street. I was with my buddy and we were just like, what the fuck? And we were laughing and shit, you know, because perverts

were funny back then. You know, they weren't something to write a poem about on a fucking award show, right? And, uh, I, um, I just got this, this vibe on Bourbon Street, where I was just like, as long as we stay on this street, we are fine. But if we go down any side street for more than 10 or 11 feet, like, uh, we're going to have like a fucking razor up against our neck. That's the way it felt back then. I don't know if it's still like that. But, um, if you do come down to, uh, New Orleans, there are a great bunch of great places to go to. Um, I wonder if, uh, some of these places still exist. I got this, this fuck, did this thing just shut off? Did it just shut off? No, look at this. I think I'm going to make it. Um, let me see here. I got this, this

fucking, I don't even know what you call it. You know, when you just type notes, I think it's called a note called places to go. And let's see what I got for New Orleans. I remember my wife made, always made fun of this. She's like, it's called places to go, right? Just making fun of me and shit. And then one day she came on the road with me and I opened the app and we went to, okay, Commander's Palace, uh, Dose, Dose Hephase was a great place to see. This is all shit that is, um, off the beaten path. Willie May's Scotch house for fried chicken. I'm going to have to skip that. Those are the three that I have here. So what I really learned was how to get off of Bourbon Street. Bourbon Street's great. If you're young, you got to go do it and all that type of shit. But

like that is every, every city has their time square where all the tourists and jerk offs go. And you want to get as far away from there as humanly possible. If you've never been to New York City, I mean, I guess go to Times Square, but you're not missing anything. Get the fuck out of there. You try to go like where the locals go. Then you can find like the cool spots we can actually chill. And I remember that Dose Hephase place. I don't know if that's still, it's, what is it? J-E-F-E-S. They had cigars in the back and they had this killer fucking band. Doesn't my spell on that rice? No, it still exists. Would you look at that?

Live jazz, New Orleans cigars. That's the spot, man. Still open. Look at that. I fucking love this city. You wouldn't know because I keep making fun of Bourbon Street, but once you start to learn where the hell to go outside of the city, it's fucking amazing. So anyways, what's today? Today is Thursday. Oh, I will be doing another podcast before the big game. So my, look at this guy. Cool ass hat with a cigar playing a fucking accordion. Only New Orleans can make that cool. Everything's cool. How do you make an accordion cool? This guy somehow did. Let's see here. Let's see what the spread is. LSU, Clemson, spread. All right. LSU minus five and a half. I don't know about this one.

I have no idea. I got a, I got a, uh, I got a bad feeling Clemson is going to win. I want LSU win, but I got a bad feeling that Clemson is going to win. But I really believe in Ed Ojeron, and I think he's going to come up with a game plan to win. But I just got a feeling that everybody's taking Clemson for granted. They keep fucking winning it, whatever. Nobody gives a shit. Everybody loves the Joe Burrow story. And I don't know. I've been down here before and seen an incredible upset when the Patriots beat the, uh, St. Louis rams because for some reason they decided not to use Marshall Fock, which I will never fucking understand in a million years. Um, anyway, by the way, what's all this shit? Everybody's talking about Tom Brady. I don't understand it.

Everybody's like saying, you know, the amount of people that blame Brady, I just, you know, it's like he won the Super Bowl last year. Are you really telling me in fucking six months, all of a sudden he forgot how to play the game? Like I just don't understand people. And I also don't understand people stalking the guy on his social media and trying to read in between the lines of what the fuck the guy means or what he doesn't mean. It's his career. It's his life. He can do whatever he wants to do. If he wants to come back, he wants to play somewhere else. If he wants to retire, you know, any sports fan has any problem with that guy. That guy's the greatest quarterback of all fucking time. He can do whatever he wants. And if you're really a an

intelligent sports fan, it was a fucking privilege to watch it. And if it's over, it's over. If it's continuing, it's continuing. I put on ESPN because I wanted to watch some of the fucking highlights and they're doing this whole big long thing about the guy. And so he tweets this, it seems to be that he's suggesting that. But you know what, you do need a distraction here. You know, with all the craziness of world events here, the financial terror of the fact that we, I think, are considering to, of starting our fourth war. You know, I got a buddy of mine, God bless him. He goes, dude, I think this country's about ready to go to war. It's like, buddy, we've been at war. We're fighting three wars right now.

And then we have a bunch of other skirmishes we're involved in, and we are fucking bankrupt, and we're looking at maybe going in on another one. So I could do the usual dumb thing that entertainers love to do, right? Blame one side, blame the other. And I'm not going to do that. What I thought about is just like, you know, I don't think anybody in the world wants to see innocent people dying because of other lunatics trying to grab power on either side or whatever. So I think the solution is, for me as a private citizen, is to get an electric car and put solar panels on my house. And then maybe if enough people do that, then some of these other people won't be so fascinated with what's in the ground over there.

And then they won't want to try to liberate them. That's it. But having said that, I also know it's way more fucking complex than that. So maybe this is something we do need to do. I don't fucking know. But I don't know. But I don't know. I just wish everybody would just fucking leave each other alone. You can't just fucking talk it out. I really think war is super rich people's temper tantrum. And if anybody knows about a temper tantrum, it's me. So anyways, like I said, this is something I just keep fucking saying. Everybody just try to be nice to each other. Everybody's entitled to an opinion. And nobody knows what the fuck's going on. But you know, just try to be cool to each other, you

know, try to stop all the screaming and yelling. This is coming from somebody who had a fucking meltdown in an Apple store for like the 9000th time in his life and is beyond ashamed of himself. And with that, I'll tell you what, I'm not ashamed with my new fucking hour that is coming together. And I want to thank all the great people of New Orleans who are going to be coming out to my shows over the next three days. I cannot believe that I get to play this amazing theater once forget about three times. And you know, selling tickets down south as a Northeast guy was something that took a very, very, very long time. So to be selling this amount of tickets is fucking incredible. So thank you guys so much. And I will see you Thursday, Friday and Saturday

night. I have the amazing Joe Bartnick with me, whose new hour is coming together. All things comedy, we're going to be doing a special with them this year. And I cannot fucking wait. It's going to be a fan. It's going to be a man. That is almost a fan. It's going to be fantastic. I just said it just like the cleaner. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful weekend. And I'll check in on you on Monday. All right, that's it. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 9th, 2012, 2012. Ah, it doesn't sound right. Can't wait for this fucking century to get going. You know, I need this century to be over so I can just be...

Why was it so much easier last decade? Remember that shit? Huh, Cleo? You remember how easy that was? The fucking dog's staring at me. I got it over there in her little... They call it the casa. That's what the dog trainer said. Hey, stay there. Stay. Casa. It's not a casa. It's a fucking cage. Okay. And the look on her face says that that's exactly what it is. You know, but that's your spot. You stay there. I got the door open. I got the door open. Don't fucking look at me like that dog. All right, I know where your food is. Um, speaking of which, I went out and bought her a brand new fucking big bag of dog food.

Actually tried some of it. Horrible. You ever look at dog food and you're like, you know, I didn't look that bad. Then you try it and you're like, wow, that really sucks. I can't believe it's always in a good mood eating shit like that. I actually tried some. Now send me emails. Dude, you know, they have pigs asses in there. Maybe I like pigs asses. You ever think about that? It ain't gay if it's an animal. This is the Monday morning podcast. I hope you guys all had a great day. I'm actually recording it Sunday night because I was so uplifted because Jesus won another football game, you know, and I got to quote somebody on, uh, on, um, Twitter who said, Tim bow.

Can you believe that son of a bitch won another fucking game? I'll tell you what's funny. I still don't believe in them. And I know there's a lot of people out there were like, do you fucking prove a 300? I don't give a fuck. All right. You know what I did one time? What? One time I hit an NBA three pointer. I went behind the line. I threw it up and it went in. Unbelievable. You're going to sign me. Give me a fucking break. Last week he had the worst fucking game of his career. And now this week, you know, you, you, you were so fucking underwhelmed. I just had a big argument with, with Verzi because Verzi was saying the guy's legit and all this type of shit. You know, I'm not saying he totally believed in him, but

I was just like, are you really going to fucking do this to me? Are you really, as a sports fan, Paul Verzi, are you really going to do this to me? You really think that this guy is going to run the wishbone offense for like a 15 year fucking career? You really, because it's seven, eight years into his career. He's still going to be running like that. He isn't. He can't fucking do it. You know, they caught up with Michael Vick. Remember when Michael Vick came out? Remember that running all over fucking hell? Eventually they catch you and they make you pay for it and you never run like that again because it hurts every time you wiggle your toes. Yeah, they're going to catch up to him and then when they catch up to him, then what's going to happen? Now he's got to throw the fucking

ball, which he really can't do. Go fuck yourself with yesterday. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit that he made some good throws yesterday. You know, it was all you people who were impressed by Tim Tebow last week. I'm going to tell you what the fuck it is. It's one of those deals where he's so underachieved that you can't believe that he actually did the things that an NFL quarterback is supposed to do. So now you're fucking blown away. You know what I mean? It's like when somebody, it was like when the guy who played Mr. Brady, all of a sudden he was in roots. You're like, holy shit, that guy's a good goddamn actor. You know, you had no fucking idea. Was he really that good in roots? Oh, was it because he wasn't going? Marsha, I don't think you should kick

Jan in the cunt this week. You know, I'm sorry. I couldn't think of any stupid Brady Munch dialogue and I panicked and I went filthy like I do on stage every night. You know, whatever. It's just one of those fucking deal. It's like that movie drive. All of a sudden the guy there with the Albert Brooks is playing a tough guy and you're like, holy shit, that guy's fucking amazed. It's because you're used to him being silly. It's not that fucking amazing. All right. Tim Tebow was the Albert Brooks of fucking NFL quarterbacks and that game yesterday against the Pittsburgh Steelers was his, his guest star in drive. All right. The AFC is so fucking weak this year. Did you see Ben Rothless burger going out there on one leg? He still almost did it.

He still almost fucking did it. Who's fucking nuts? They had like 10 guys up on the line. Then they had like one guy back. Everybody freaking out because he's able to hit a receiver in single coverage. I fucking had it. Okay. Stop doing that to me. Stop telling me somebody is, is the guy because he won one game. All right. Go fuck yourselves. You know who you are. All you jackasses out there in Denver still listening to John Denver. All right. He's dead. You don't have to pretend anymore. His music stinks. All right. Colorado. Thank God I'm a country boy. Really. You really think that we're going to respect you as a fucking city? Like this is a place that we can bring our computers to and set up shop.

You know, you ever wonder why it's still so rustic out there, Colorado? You have any idea why? It's because we don't respect you. You know why? Because of John Denver. And we're waiting for the day that you guys stop embracing that motherfucker. The day you do is the day you start getting respect. You know, I know you guys call yourself Colorado. You know what the rest of us call you? Lower Wyoming. What do you think of that? You're not even Northern New Mexico. Huh? Let's test my geography or fucking western Nebraska. No. Yeah. Or Eastern Utah. There we go. I'm sorry. My dog's just staring at me. You don't want to be in there, do you? Come over here. Get over here. All right. Now lay down. This fucking dog

doesn't let me. Lay down. Lay down. Lay down. Down. You know, like three English words and you always pretend like you don't fucking understand them. You know what they all are. There you go. That's comfy, right? You were in a glass box of emotion, weren't you? Anyways, so there you go. So fuck Tim Tebow. Okay. He's going to come in to Foxboro, Massachusetts next week, waiting for somebody to wash his feet. And I'm going to tell you right now what ain't happening. Okay. He's going to be betrayed 11 times by the New England Patriot mediocre defense. I gotta be honest with you. I'm actually nervous about the game next week because I just don't believe in our defense. You know, when they talk Patriots, what do they talk about? They talk about our tight

ends. They talk about Tom Brady. They talk about us going down to Best Buy and getting video cameras. They talk about all of that, but what they don't talk about is our defense and there's a fucking reason. You know, all I can tell you is when you have a wide receiver starting at cornerback, that's, that's when you, uh, that's when it's a good time to bet the over. Um, so we'll see. We'll see what happens next week, but who's kidding who? We all know the Super Bowl champion is coming out of the NFC, right? It's coming out there. I'll tell you, you know who could beat anybody is the fucking New York Giants. They could beat anybody. I can see them going into Green Bay and all those Green Bay fans waddling their fucking cheese eating asses into that goddamn fucking bowl.

Right? Big plastic fucking wedges of cheese on their heads. Just waddling up every goddamn five year old daughter as big as forest Greg. Just just waddling into that stadium already already for another fucking Super Bowl run. And then what happens? Eli Manning comes in there. The kid who looks like that kid, everybody picked on. He just, I don't know what happens. That guy goes in the big games. He's the fucking shit. Now that guy I'm sold on. All right, Tim Tebow. I know. I know what he did. He picked up that fucking pillowcase this week and they were like, we're out of footballs. And then he said it on the youth and he kept pulling all the footballs out. Right? Like the fish in the basket, like that other guy, right? I'm not, I don't, I still don't believe in

Tim Tebow. I don't. I think everybody in the NFL is going to look at his shit. They're going to figure it out in the off season. And, uh, you know, he's going to get, he's going to get destroyed next year. We'll see. But I don't know. He could win this week. That's how bad. I think if the Patriots score about 47 points, I think our defense ought to be able to, to hold them. That's, I don't know. I don't know what happened somewhere along the line. We just, we just, uh, luck ran out draft and defensive players. We haven't had a good defense. Oof. Since like what, 2005? Does anybody give a fuck? This is really just a football podcast at this point. I don't have anything. He's fucking bullshit. I'm not into sports. Well, it's not my fault. Your dad's a pussy.

What do you get you into? Huh? Meteorology? That's a humorous crowd. You can tell because of the nimbus. Um, I just threw out cloud names. I don't even know what they are. It's one of those things I memorized and knew for a week. And when they asked me the question, I just regurgitated it back to them. And then nobody ever asked me it again. And I never remembered it. And you know what? I, it doesn't, it's not once has it affected my fucking life. You know, because they got a whole channel of nerds that'll tell me. My phone tells me, tells me what the weather's going to be like. I don't need to know that shit. High pressure system, high pressure systems, reading a cold front. Is it? Is that what's going to happen? Why don't you tell me your

little fucking prediction on the weather tomorrow? All right, save me the bullshit. He's Bill Burr. He's mad at the weather. Sorry. Um, all right, let's get on with the podcast for this fucking week. Um, as I mentioned, and I'm going to be mentioning all the time here on the podcast. Um, if you enjoy this podcast, do you enjoy it? Sure, we all do. Um, and you'd like to donate to the podcast. You don't have to anymore. All you got to do is if you ever go to Amazon.com, because you want to buy yourself some new slippers, rather than going straight to Amazon.com, just go to BillBurr.com, click on podcasts and on the right hand side, right under the iTunes thing, you'll see this Amazon.com link. If you click on that and then go, it'll take you right

to Amazon.com. You go there to buy your knee pads or whatever the fuck it is you're doing. All right. And they kick me back a little bit of money. It doesn't cost you a fucking dime. All it's going to do is age your index finger a little bit more as you hit. You click enter a couple more times. You know, you go to scenic route to get to Amazon.com. And what they do is they kick me back a little bit of money like, Hey Bill, hey, thanks for driving people to our fucking site. And I say, thank you very much. And I tuck that money right in my front breast shirt pocket. Do I keep all of it? Fuck no, I give 10% to the, uh, the wounded warriors project. So there you go. You get slippers. I get some money. We hook up the troops. It's

fucking perfect. Doesn't cost you an extra dime. I'm not saying to go to Amazon. I'm just saying, if you're going there, swing by old bill bird.com before you do. That's all I'm saying. Stop putting words in my mouth. You cunts. All right. There we go. That's the little plug for the week. Oh, actually have one other plug. You know why? Cause my podcast is blowing up in the 20 to the one 2Z. It's fucking stupidest thing ever. I actually have a little, I have a little ad here. Everybody excited. This is actually, um, I gotta let you know about a TV show that's coming out. You guys like cartoons? Sure. We all do cartoons are actually some of the best stuff that's on TV right now for the life of me. I don't understand why you're allowed to cross so many

lines if, if things are animated. Have you noticed that? You know, like you're watching network and you watch like real people being filmed and they're only allowed to go so far. But the second you animate them, all of a sudden you can do like some of the stuff like family guy gets away. It's, it's gets away with, it's great. I just don't understand why you can't do it in regular shows, but that's the nature of the beast. So I myself prefer the cartoons as a 43 year old male. I can say that. I like the cartoons and there's a new cartoon coming out that I'm going to be watching. You guys like that Napoleon Dynamite movie? I fucking love that movie. You know what's killing me is that it was, that was in 2004. You know, I love that movie. Napoleon, what are you doing today?

Whatever I feel like. God. Right there. I was like, I love this fucking movie. All right. Anyways, I'm not supposed to really curse during this. Let me try and clean this up. Napoleon Dynamite is going to, is being turned into a cartoon series and animated television sitcom and it's making its debut on, it's mid-season replacement on air Sundays at 8 30 p.m. starting on January 15th, 2012. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, what do they have? They didn't get any of the original cast members from the movie. They're going to get a bunch of people that almost sound like them, but like, but not quite. You know, like when you go to see a Muppet movie and Jim Henson is dead so he can't be Kermit and all old guys like me is sitting there going,

that's not Kermit the Frog. That's some guy doing Kermit the Frog to hell with this movie. Right? Well, not, that's not the case with the Napoleon Dynamite. They got the whole cast to come in. So it's going to sound just like the movie. It's going to be animated. Are you really going to sit there and act like you got something better to do? All right. So mid-season replacement at Sunday 8 30 p.m. on Fox starting this Sunday, January 15th, 2012. 20 to the one twosie. There we go. How was that? That was an ad. Did you like that, Cleo? Huh? You want to hear my dog moan? Listen to this. This isn't sexual. Any dog. If you fucking... Why are you sniffing the mic? Why can't you do that? Stop doing, listen.

Ah, she wants to give me kisses. God damn it. You know what your problem is, Cleo? You're fucking adorable. But you know, when it comes right down to it, when it comes down to it, when it fucking counts, you don't deliver. You know? You like a quarterback that kicks ass in the regular season and then all of a sudden the playoff comes around and he shits the bed. You know? Could you be any more bored with me, Cleo? Go fuck yourself. All right. Let's get back to the podcast. What do we got coming up here? Oh, I also got to let you guys know. Let's get all the announcements out of the way. I am taping a new stand-up special at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, DC on March 3rd. I'm doing two shows. Tickets will go on sale this Friday, January 13th. But I'm going to tweet

you some presale information on Tuesday, tomorrow. All right? Little secret password. If you want to go down there and look at my big fucking redhead as I do my unprecedented third one-hour special, I will be the first redheaded comedian from the Northeast Appalachian Corridor to ever do, to ever tape his third one-hour special in the month of March in Washington, DC. You can look that up in your fucking comedy almanac. All right. Here we go. Let's get on with the fucking podcast. All right. Somebody wrote here, Tiger's bitch. Tiger's wife. This is what she did this week. You know? And I know a lot of the ladies are all feeling bad for her. Poor girl. Oh, poor little Tiger Woods ex-wife. Still don't know her name. Isn't it like a lane?

She has some old fucking white lady name. What's her name? Edith? Because of an E. Elijah. Who names a kid Elijah? You might as well just call your kid, please beat the shit out of this. Class, we have a new student today. His name is Elijah. Tiger Woods' wife just bulldozed their $12 million home, which can only have bent out of spite. Who said, it's sickening to think of the good she could have done with the sale from that home. She could have turned it into a fucking orphanage or something. But no, this is just somebody right here. But no, she's a spiteful bitch trying to send a message to Tiger. It's served no purpose other than to show the world what a cunt she is. What's

worth is a healthy portion of the female populi will give you, give her a you go girl. I don't know. I don't think she, her goal was to show the world what a cunt she is. I just think that she has that amount of fucking money. Evidently she has a $12 million mansion and she was going to remodel the thing. And in defense of her, you know, Tiger jizzed on half of it. So she wanted a fresh start rather than get the fucking thing fumigated. It's a $12 million mansion. So she has this whole thing plowed over just to start over again. She was just, okay, pull up the marble. I don't want those gold fixtures anymore. Tiger put that gold brass handle in some hooker's ass. I don't want that. Oh, just bulldoze the whole fucking thing.

Can you imagine having that much money? That much money. Who needs to remodel a $12 million house? I would think it would be done at that point. You know, you got two fucking pools the shape of both your titties. I mean, what else, what else would you fucking need? $12 million. So anyways, it wasn't big enough for her. So this woman who's never even won, she didn't even win on like card sharks or some fucking game show. She hasn't done anything other than she had the brains to suck the right dick. You know, and now she's got this big ass fucking house. And she didn't like it. So she, she's bulldozing it over. You know, it's just fucking unreal. She had a $5 million preenup. Somehow she,

you know, I'm sick of talking about this shit, guys. I don't have any more fight me. You know, I asked you guys for three, three goddamn weeks to justify, to justify fucking dog just coughed in my hand. You know what, I thought you snapped Clio and I was like, oh my God, it really is a pit bulls. Is it trying to bite me? Huh? Is it trying to bite me? Um, I swear to God, I think my dog smokes cigarettes when I'm not around. It's always fucking hacking all the time. I don't know. God bless, God bless that victim. Tiger Woods wife. I hope she can somehow keep working through her breakup and her pain. Dude, how fucking psyched is she? She was married, but you know, sucks, right? She's married to him. And what do you think he

really had a sense of humor? He's sitting around all day talking about golf and God forbid when he lost, just walking around the house, just cursing at himself. You wouldn't want to be around that, right? So she gets to fucking leave and take a quarter of a billion dollars. I don't even have any anger for it anymore. I think I'm just fucking jealous. Can you imagine that? All you miserable married guys out there, can you imagine if somehow, not only you could walk away from your wife, but get 250 million, 250 million in the process? Ah. And they still bitch. They still bitch. Divorce law supporter. Okay. All right, here we go. Here's a guy. My defense of the divorce law. Sure. Every once in a while, an ex Bryant and

an ex Mosley gets way too much in the divorce, but most of the people that get truly screwed over with the divorce settlements, aren't the athletes at the pinnacle of their professional, they are entire, they are entitled pricks. No, they're not. They make more money than you and you're jealous. What do you, what are you basing that on? All those nights you hung out with Kobe Bryant. Anyways, for every Mosley, there are at least 50 fuckers who grew up in Greenwich and Greenwich went to chote with legacies at Yale and make a mint by wearing $8,000 suits and screwing over the less fortunate. So if they're shrew trophy wives, bang their gardeners and take half, I say God bless them. Yeah, dude, you're really not justifying the law. I don't think people

understand the, uh, the question. I'm not saying that you can fucking start a family and just walk away. I'm just saying put a $30 million cap on it, you know, unless you can truly prove that you, that, that you, you, you, you were there. Like, I don't like you helped out Kobe with this fucking jump shot. I don't know what the divorce settlement law is designed to screw over people that will never, ever get screwed over otherwise. Kobe and sugar chain are collateral damage. Yeah. See, you guys really can't fucking justify it. That sir, you didn't just all I learned in that is that you resent people who make more money than you do. That's all, that's all I, uh, I got out of that. Surprisingly, these are guys spreading the sin. You would think that as, as men,

you know, we would, for once come together on a fucking subject, you know, I don't know. I don't fucking know. You know, I tried, I tried to be controversial. I tried to ask you guys the questions. I gave, I fucking floated it out there. It's not, not only can you guys not even fucking give me a reason to justify it. You won't even answer the fucking question. Why am I berating the way, you know, most people probably don't even give a fuck anymore at this point, including myself. All right, it's over. Gold digging whores are a part of the world. You know, like skunks. Hey, can skunks crawl into the garbage? They have the ability to crawl up anything. When I look at them, I don't think they do. You know, I got one that

keeps fucking trying to sneak in, into my fucking driveway. Buddy might drop me off the other night and the thing was walking up the street and you should have seen this him freaking out. This goddamn skunk was like 30 feet away and I'm getting out typical white guy fucking with the thing. You know, hey, hey, there you fucking skunk. Get over here. Get over here. You know, okay, they can quick steps at it. You know, tapping into my inner redneck. Come on, Bill, go get it. I got, I got 20 bucks and the two says he gets fucking squirted. I got a friend of mine fucked a skunk one time. Most shit. His wife had a snicky pussy. Anyways, he couldn't tell the difference. You don't want to make some shine tonight. Let's, let's make some shine and let's

film it and we'll go on to Discovery Channel and then we'll be ducking behind our still as they film us on television. That's what the fuck we doing. I want you to love to be that dumb. You know, that dumb that you didn't know any better not to go out in public. My dogs literally look at me falling asleep. How can I be this loud and bore? You know, I would think would just be exciting on some level, even as a dog, like maybe there was an earthquake. You know, my next life when I come back, I want to be full on fucking redneck. I want to be one of those guys who's like 16 when I first see a pair of shoes and be like, what the fuck are those? You know, everybody thinks I'm dumb and meanwhile I got a fucking

351 Cleveland in my fucking lawnmower. Tell you ain't that smart in school, but I'll tell you if it got wheels on and he can fix it. Make him fix it. That motherfucker Rocky thought a snake was under it. Would you love to be doing that? Just that fucking just your mind just open like that. America! Just out in a fucking lagoon fishing. Never going to the grocery store. You're just going out killing shit, right? Start rubbing sticks together and you're living like a fucking caveman. Am I the only guy every once in a while you just look at a fucking trailer in a trailer park and you just go, you know what? Why not? What if I just said fuck it? I'm going to go

be the smartest guy in a goddamn trailer park. Imagine that if he came there, they'd probably resent you. I heard he got a book in that fucking thing. Is that a new reality show? It's got to be. Why don't they have one about trailer parks? They already did that, didn't they? When they sent those two rich cunts to go live in the suburbs, totally ripping off green acres. Paris Hilton and that chick from the, who was the daughter of that dude from the Commodores, right? Nicole Richie and she lost all that weight in a fucking, the bottom of her bikini was hanging off her snatch like a fucking hammock. Remember that? How long ago was that? What happened in the last decade?

I don't know. Cleo, can you fucking believe I got to listen to another goddamn week of fucking Tim Tebow? Everybody amazed that he actually completed some passes. I mean, give me a fucking break. You know, they're going to sit there and give him all the accolades that they won in overtime, despite the fact that tight end turned a fucking eight yard in route, route into a fucking 80 yard touchdown. Can you believe that? Cleo, you could have hit that fucking guy. Anyways, let's get on with the advice for the week. This is an advice from a lady. Dear Bill, I've been a fan for a while now, and I remember hearing on one of your podcasts that you were interested in hearing from more female viewers or listeners, whatever, whatever,

lady, whatever. So here I am. Hopefully after reading this email, you won't be bored to tears and completely regret making that earlier statement. Anyways, let's plow ahead. Well, if it's not too long, you know, I don't read that well, ma'am, that I insult you by calling you, ma'am. That's a very subtle way of saying you don't make my dick hard anymore. So the next time you're in an argument with a woman who has power over you, like your boss, you know, maybe you're down the fucking DMV like I was, if you call them ma'am, it ages them. They don't like it. Oh, why don't I tell that story about being down the fucking DMV? So I finally went out and I got a second vehicle, you know, and went out and bought a used, but a used car. I'm not going to tell you what it is

because it sticks out like a fucking sore thumb. So I go down to the goddamn DMV, right? You know, and Nia's going, why don't you just go online and make an appointment? So I'm like, all right, and I go online and you know, it's the usual. It's like every possible DMV scenario. I just like, Oh, fuck yourself. I'm not doing this. So I get my Prius and I drive down the street, right whistling down the fucking street. I go over the DMV and I come walking and what do I see every goddamn jackass in the fucking world to stand in there. And they go, it's a 20 minute wait to make an appointment to sit in a 90 minute fucking ass and forget it. So I walk up to the thing. Oh, let me get, let me get an appointment. They go, well, the next one we give you isn't

until Tuesday or next week, or you can go to fucking Pasadena tomorrow. I said, all right, I'll take that one nine 10 in the morning. I will be there. Listen, this is what I'm doing. I just bought a car. I'm putting it on the fucking road. What do I need? And she's like, you need this, this and this, right? So I go home, I get that shit. I wake up the next morning, pour myself a bowl of fruit loops and off I go down to the fucking DMV. Walk into the DMV. I go, hello. I am William Burr. I am here at the DMV. I have a nine 10 appointment. And the guy starts looking through the thing and he goes, I don't see your name here. What is it? I'm like, William Burr, I have a fucking nine 10 appointment. Don't do this to me. All right, please don't do this to me.

And then he sees it. He goes, Oh, there it is. I was like, Holy shit, there it is. I sit there and it's like fucking nine in the morning. I'm sitting there for two minutes and all of a sudden they call me. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Not only did I show up, they had my name. Not only am I going to get in and out of here at nine 10, that's 10 minutes fucking earlier at the DMV. This is un fucking heard of. So I show up and what do they do to me? I give this, this and this, just like the fucking lady said, then they go, sir, did you pay tax on the vehicle in the other state? And I was like, no, I didn't. Then they tell me I got to get the fucking thing weighed. They make you got to be kidding me. I just asked somebody. They didn't

tell me I had to do all this stuff. And then the lady was just going like, she goes, well, sir, did you go on our website? And I was like, lady, every possible fucking DMV scenario is on your website. I'm not sifting through that shit, looking for a needle in a haystack. I'm not doing that. I went down to the goddamn DMV. I talked to a human being. I asked him what the fuck I needed. They told me I brought it. Sorry, Cleo. All right, I brought it. So she goes, well, I'm sorry, sir, blah, blah, blah. And I'm sitting there trying to get mad at the girl. At one point, I actually started chewing the collar on my coat. That's how fucking mad I was. And I gotta tell you something, guys, I don't ever get recognized. Ever. It's fucking great. No one ever bugs me.

I don't know why I just look like a regular jackass. Second you take a microphone out of my fucking hand. I just I blended the background is fucking perfect. So I'm sitting there pissed off. I'm fucking biting the collar on my, my jacket. All of a sudden this dude comes up. He's like, yo, my man, I know you're a little mad right now, but I'm a big fan. Can I have your autograph? Right? So I'm like, yeah, I signed the thing. And now the ladies, meanwhile, the ladies going, you have to go to a public scale. What the fuck? What the fuck is a public scale? What in the center of town? What the fuck is that? I had to go get this goddamn thing weighed. I don't know why, because it's a broke state and they're looking for another way to fuck me out of a couple

hundred bucks. I have no idea why. So I signed this fucking guys thing. They tell me what to do when I walk out and I'm walking through the parking lot just absolute Tourette's not screaming, but not whispering. Just walking out. I'm just going every motherfucking time. I don't give a what fuck what the fuck you bring down these fucking assholes. I got everything here plus a birth certificate. I still know enough fucking shit flipping out this other guy. Yo, my man, you funny man. I'm like, oh, hey, thanks a lot. God damn fucking cunt. And you know what I realized? I think if I'm not angry, people don't recognize me. Me being not being mad in public is my hat and sunglasses. That's all I have to do. If I just walk around with the stupid smile on my face,

nobody recognizes me. That's what I noticed that day. The second I lost my shit, two people recognize me. Oh, that's that angry redheaded jackass I've seen on the boob tube. Then the second I fucking calmed down, nobody. Since then, nobody, nobody's come up to me going, hey, yo, that guy who does that thing that I saw on the channel. Not a fucking one of them. So that's my DMV store. Yeah, people actually I got a second vehicle and I'm liking it. Let's just say I didn't get a hybrid. All right, I got a little surf and turf going on. If you know what I mean, little McDLT action. Huh, little you say tomato, I say tomorrow go fuck yourself. I've done my part for the environment. Um, all right, here we go. Dear Bill, this is this is this lady. I'm getting back to this shit.

My dog couldn't look more bored. I swear to God, if my dog was a if his if her face was like, you know, communicating what you guys are thinking right now, this might be the last podcast I ever do. Why you look so bored? You know, this fucking thing sleeps all day. I don't get it. What are you tired? What are you? Why are you so sleepy? You should see her right now. She fucked up her ear. I don't know what she did. Looks like somebody bitter. You know, but she's with us all the time. I don't know when she did it. So we got this big stupid bandaid on her ear. Look at you. Look how sad you look. Huh? Is that fucking with you? That big thing hanging off there like one of those Jody Wotley earrings? Why do I talk to you, Cleo, like you're going to respond? All right,

here we go. Bill, I live in Seattle, Washington, and actually in Seattle, not some lame suburb that people like to try and pass off as Seattle. I know God knows if I had a dime for every time someone tried to pretend like they lived in Seattle. Anyways, I've been friends with this guy for a little more than three years now, and he is easily one of my best guy friends. Now, what does that mean? Is this like your gay friend or is this the guy who wants to fuck you but doesn't know how? People, you got to elaborate with these things, okay? Because my mind's just going to start thinking. He's easily one of my best guy friends. Can I ask you a question? What sort of a heterosexual guy has a woman as a friend? If that's not your girlfriend or your wife, in other words, if

you're not plowing it every once in a while, can you please explain to me why? Why would you do it? Do you use her to get more pussy? Is that what it is? Then you meet her friends, you work her way through her friends, and she's just like, how could you do that to me? I thought we were friends. We are friends. We're friends. That's why I didn't fuck you. Consider that a compliment. You know, other than this, compared to the shit I did to your friends. Oh, God, you know, do you know how much I know this podcast is going to come back to haunt me? The level of ignorance every fucking week is, it's ridiculous. You know, and whoever's playing

this right now, pointing at it, going, you see, I said your piece of shit, whoever's doing that to me in the future, go fuck yourself. You fill up 60 minutes by yourself and see what comes out of your mouth. There you go, Bill. That was awesome. Having a hypothetical argument about some bullshit in the future. That's nice. So anyways, let's get back to this. She has one of my best guy friends. Yeah, this guy's either gay, or he doesn't know how to fuck you, or he grew up in a house with all women, or you're a dick tease, and he doesn't realize it yet. Or maybe you're just friends. You know, why don't I, why don't I try to be a little more posy, posy, a little positive in the one twosy. Sorry, fucking blew the punchline.

When I'm home from college over the winter and summer breaks, me and my guy friend, we hang out quite a bit. And throughout the year, we stay in touch. There's always some flirting going on between the two of us. And ever since we first met, people have asked if we were more than just friends. We've done a lot of things together that other people would consider, would constitute as dates, such as going out to eat, movies, the zoo, etc. Yeah, if this guy's heterosexual, you guys are eventually going to fuck or end up hating each other when one of you commits to someone else's genitalia. All right, moving on here. Hell, we even went on tour, a tour of a chocolate factory, and I helped him buy a new DVD player. But in all this time,

he has never made any attempts to get out of the friend zone with me. We're really open with each other, but he's always been rather secretive about his love life. And he hasn't told me any stories about girls or where he, or where he gets up to at his school in Seattle. And before you say anything, I promise you he's not gay. Too late, too late. But now I'm kind of sick of going back and forth in my mind about what could happen between us. And I'm thinking about just pulling the trigger the next time I see him. But what do you think? Should I continue to wait around to see if he ever takes our friendship further and not risk messing up our current relationship? Or should

I stop being a pussy man up and go for it? In general, how do you feel about girls making the first move and being assertive in that sense? A male perspective on this matter would be much appreciated. Also, I'm hella excited to see your show when you come to DC and March. Hella. I thought that that was just in Sacramento that people said that. All right, what do I think about this? This is hard. This is a hard one. All right. My gut tells me you guys have hung out too fucking long. And I would think as a woman like what kind of guy is this? You know, this is the guy you want to possibly hit your proverbial wagon to. I say that word right. You know, this guy can't take some fucking can't even make a move and then you have to make a move. This is the guy.

This is the guy you're gonna be sleeping next to when some psycho comes through the window. And you're gonna be laying there going is he gonna grab the bat or do I have to do it? You know, you kind of got to think stuff like don't you? You want a guy who just grabs you by your fucking throat and says, listen, bitch, we're a fucking couple now kid. I don't know. I've never had a relationship like this. This is just so many different directions that this can go. This guy is either a fucking 30 year old virgin and it's going to be the worst fucking sex she ever had. Or he's an absolute animal and he's fucking, he's just out there crushing ass and he is, I don't know, maybe as a hormadonna complex and you're just a really nice girl. And the thought

of even banging you freaks them out. I have no fucking idea. I don't know what to tell you. This is what I say. If you really like this guy and you really want this just to happen, I guess it's up to you to make the move. You know, I don't know. That's fucking weird though. I'm gonna tell you just as a guy that's fucking weird at some point. You know, once you, I mean, you're doing shit that couples do when they're sick of each other. You know, the zoo, who the fuck goes to the zoo? Oh, look at that miserable species sitting in there trying to remember why it isn't free anymore. I mean, that's, you know, the chocolate factory. This guy sounds like a, he sounds like a pussy to me.

I don't know. What does he do? What kind of a man goes to the zoo with a woman he's not fucking? I just don't understand. Why would you do that? Maybe he likes it. Is he into animals? Is he, is he like an oceanographer than anyone do that? You want to go to the zoo? It's like, lady, I'm up to my ears and fucking octopus, like fucking Tony Montana. I don't go to the fucking zoo. I'm looking at them all week. You know, they should be in cages. I'm fucking sick of them. They're animals. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. This is what I would say. Basically, if you're into the guy and you want to go to the next level, he's obviously not going to say anything. I would, uh, yeah, fuck it. Fuck it. Throw it out there. See what happens. And if it gets weird

and you lose him as a friend, who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? What are you going to stay friends with that guy when you meet the guy you're going to marry? You know, you still think you're going to go to the zoo with him? That guy who actually had the balls to ask you out is going to put up with that shit? He's not. I'll tell you right now, he's not because I speak for all peoples because it's my podcast. All right, plowing ahead. Number two, uh, wife's put on a few. Oh Jesus, this is a rough one. Uh, I mean, needed some advice that requires the presence of the lovely Nia. She's not home right now. So all you got is me. Uh, but before warned, the discussion could very likely lead to you spending the night on the couch. First of all, if you think spending the

night on the couch fucking scares me. All right. I live on that goddamn couch. All right. And as a fucking man, if you don't spend at least 30% of the nights of the year on the couch, you're not being honest with the person you're with. Fuck their feelings. 30% of the year. The other time, the other 70% you respect their feelings, but 30% of the time you got to tell them to go fuck themselves. All right. That's why I'm telling you right now, if you're going to be in a relationship and you go out and buy couches, let her pick the color, but you pick the size and you pick those big ass fucking deep couches. All right. And lay down on them. And when you lay down on the couch, you make sure there's enough cushion to go beyond both your shoulders, unless you're a

fucking giant man. Then I don't know what to tell you, but if you're regular size like me, okay. So then when she does kick you out the fuck do you care? You go out there with your dog, you put on ESPN, you watch the end of the Vancouver game, you're loving life. You know, you don't have to wake up in the middle of the night, rolling over, looking at her face when she's in REM sleep going, I'm in love with that. Right? You don't have to do that for fucking 30, 30% of the year. All right. Here we go. It's likely that Nia will find some strong adjectives to call me at the end of this, but so be it. I have a lovely wife who is an amazing mother. There you go. Right there. Sounds like a hallmark card. She is supporting me through

very difficult financial times and some emotional breakdowns. Oh, what happened? Huh? Were you the only accountant at work? Is that what happened? And all of a sudden the feds came in and you realized you had two sets of books? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I got nothing at this point. She has taken responsibility for her personal finances to prevent me from having anxiety attacks and she is fiercely loyal. I know you sound like you guys lost the house. Did you guys lose a house during all this bullshit? Were you one of those guys giving out mortgages to homeless people? Is that what you were doing? You did something. You did some buttfuck shit. That's what I'm guessing. Anyways, I know she always has my back. If I were to catch

a break and become financially wealthy through my career endeavors and then got divorced, she would deserve half without question. Sounds like you have a great relationship. Guys, I'm sorry. Keep clearing my fucking throat. Hang on a second. Let me pause this. All right. I'm back. Sorry about that. All right. Without a doubt, she would deserve half. The problem is she has gained some pounds. I would estimate 50 to 60 of them. That's fucking unacceptable, dude. Unless you date in a Sasquatch, then it's probably cute. Hey, big foot. Come on in here. Bend over the fucking garage. I want to bang you. Jesus, Cleo. You know what's great about being a dog is you will fart anywhere. You just don't

even give a fuck. She's laying there right now. Looks like a fucking baby piglet. She's gained 50 to 60 pounds. This has happened since we started dating and she was overweight, although not that much when we got married. This isn't due to having a baby. She is such an amazing person that I look past it even though it was a concern. Now, I'm no Charles Atlas, but until recently, I've been in good shape. I have begun to get a fucking attitude and become soft over the last year since I've always been active. This hasn't resulted in a bit of depression, so I'm returning to the gym for my sanity. Back to her weight though. Her body has begun to break down because of this added burden. Yeah, dude, 50, 60 pounds is a lot of fucking weight. I don't care how big you

are. She's having foot problems, knee issues, and is very likely candidate for diabetes. Her grandmother died young because of her weight and I fear she has headed down that same path. Also, yeah, absolutely. It's a health concern here. Now, you may be thinking, what a wonderful man this is, so concerned over the health of his wife. That's exactly what I was thinking, sir. You've snowed me up until now. I'm totally on your side. But he says, oh, contrary to my friend, while I wish this was the driving reason that I wanted to lose weight, I've read that wrong. Well, I wish this was the driving reason because I wouldn't feel like such a prick. It isn't. I am physically repulsed. We have sex, but to do so, I have to make sure not to look at her body and

turn off the lights. It is hard enough to remain attracted to someone who you slept with over a thousands of time, but add some pounds and it results in my pecker remaining soft like jello. Dude, you know, I don't think this is, look, what if she was in shape and you put on 50, 60 pounds and your goddamn mantits were bigger than her real ones? You know, it's not, you know, personally, I feel being in a relationship part of is you have to stay in fucking shape. God damn it. I wish Nia was here. This would have been a great fucking fight. Anyways, I know obesity is a mental thing and I have my own issues, one of which is an inability to communicate my feelings resulting in pouting, brooding and getting grumpy. Oh, Jesus, you're

walking around the house. Oh, my wife is fat. I don't want to fuck her anymore. Come on, man. Um, he says, I really am a pain in the ass to live with now that I think about it. So the communication in our relationship is a bit of a problem and therefore a death zone, should I strike up a conversation about it? It would be like the opening scene of saving Private Ryan, should I try to storm those beaches? So what do I do? Keep quiet and accept it while my wife likely dies in an early age? How do I support her when it's a topic that's off the table? I'm thinking about talking to her friend and asking them to broach the subject. I need some advice because I've already removed a layer of skin from my penis whacking off to internet porn

so much. It just doesn't seem right for a bald middle-aged man to have his pants around his ankles in front of a computer. Oh, Jesus Christ. Um, this is one of these subjects that, yeah, it's always off limits. You can't bring it up. There's no way to bring it up. It's one of those things, dude. You just know there's going to be a fight and just accept it. I would just say it as nicely as possible. I would not try to hire her friends to do your dirty work. You just got to tell it. Just say, listen, I've started to go to the gym. I'm starting to get out of shape. Just tell her how much you love her and you want her to be around and that her grandmother died of an early age because of weight issues and that, you know, you're getting concerned

because she's put on a few. And you know what? Let her get mad. She's not really mad at you. She's mad at herself. You think she doesn't know? She doesn't hear herself breathing every time she bends down to try to fucking pick up the cookie she just dropped. I'm sorry. Um, you know, you got to do it, man. You got to do it. And don't fucking watch the internet porn. That's one of my New Year's resolutions. I'm quitting internet porn, cold turkey. I just, the shit it takes to get me off at this point. I swear to God, it's like I've been working on the vice squad for 20 years. It's not good for you. I really, you know, it just doesn't, especially if you're a psycho like me, the fucking road you go down, you just don't want to go down it. So, um, yeah,

I don't know how to, uh, you know what I'm going to do? If Nia isn't here by the end of the podcast, I'm actually going to ask her how to, how to bring that up. Okay. Ah, fuck. Now I just said it. Now I have to do it. I was just thinking, what if she stays out all fucking night, comes home hammered? Then you know what? She's going to do a drunk podcast. I don't want to get your fucking hopes up. Um, so anyways, that's what I would do. I would just sit her down and just say, listen, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. That's a, that's a bad way to start it. She's going to think that you're having an affair, whatever. Maybe that's a good thing. She thinks that you're fucking somebody else. Then when you just call her a tub of shit, it'll actually be a

relief. You know, maybe I would tell her myself, tell her how much you love her and you're just looking out for her and, uh, but don't say that, you know, you're repulsed by her body. That's not a good thing. You know, you don't want to hurt somebody like that. All right. Okay. Here we go. Number three, girlfriend and her ex on Facebook. Uh, dump her, dump her, dump, dump this bitch. Fuck her. That's not the mother of your kids. Dump her. I don't have to go any further than that. Girlfriend and her exes on Facebook. Yeah, it's over, dude. What are you fucking 17? How do you, how do you not know you can't trust that girl? That's like, uh, you know, my partner in crime and all his cop friends. You know, you know how this is going to end.

Do I really have to read this? Ah, what the fuck? I still got some more minutes to eat up. I'll read it. I don't need to, but I will bill. I've been going out with this girl for about a year. We are in love. We're best friends for about eight months before we started dating. We get along great. We have a shitload in common. The sun always shines. We never burn our bacon. But anyway, she gets along with most of her ex boyfriend and still keeps in touch with them with Facebook's and texting sometimes. She swears she is never the one that calls her texts first. If that's not the worst fucking excuse, I didn't jump on his dick. He's stuck it in me. Anyways, this past week she asked me if it was okay if we can all hang out

when her ex comes to visit. He lives in DC and comes to visit a few times a year. Their entire relationship was long distance dated for about six months. They went to school together and knew each other. She had a crush on him in school. Yeah, he's coming to town to fuck your girlfriend. That's what he's doing. All right. That sounds like the beginning of a Christmas song. I just switched up the lyrics. So you better be good because he's coming to town and he's gonna fuck your girl down the chimney. What the fuck am I? He said that he'd like to meet. He said that he'd like to meet me. For what? Who is this douchebag? What the fuck does he want to meet you for? So he can look you in the eye the day after he bangs your girl and watches you try and figure

it out. Anyways, he goes, I appreciate that that she even told me about this. But why would I want to meet the guy that was banging my girlfriend months before me? Exactly. Why is he important? Exactly. Exactly. You're asking the right questions. It's not like he is her baby's daddy. She said that it wasn't in my place to decide. What do you think? I think she's absolutely right. It's not your place to decide whether or not she sees her ex-boyfriends. She can go decide to do that the same way you can decide to go get a woman that you can fucking trust. Fuck her, sir. Figuratively and literally in the ass. Get away from her. This is a fucking ticking time bomb. What the fuck does she get off telling you that it's not, oh, it's not your decision to

decide? You know what? Go see him. Dude, you know what? You're a loyal guy. You love this girl. You're sticking by. You know, you just gave your feelings to the wrong person. She doesn't fucking deserve you. Fuck her. It's all her fucking ex-boyfriends. Let her go back there. Let her go get that long-distant cock. Get it all day, sweetheart. Call you. All right. Walk away. She did you a favor, dude. You could have got married and had kids with this cunt. All right. It's over, dude. And you know what? You even know the answer. You're asking all the right questions. Why do you want to meet the guy who was banging before? Why is he important? He isn't important. She still has feelings. She can't commit to you. She's trying to keep these

guys. Fuck that. Fuck her. That's it. All right. Did I make myself clear enough? It's over. Wait. He said background info on this girl. I like this. He's actually fleshing this person out. She has a daughter that I also love. The baby daddy is barely in the picture, met him once, so no drama there. The reason I bring up the daddy is because he is important. The father of her daughter. I understand why I would have to meet him, but who is this ex to her? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Come on, man. You know, why don't you go get yourself another girl who, you know, doesn't have as many miles, you know? This girl, yeah, you don't need that. You don't need that. All right. Oh, hey, bring it back. Overrated, underrated. Overrated, underrated. New Year's

resolution. Overrated. Every year, we always hear how so and so is going to change their life in such a dramatic way. Whether it be taking school more seriously, quitting drinking, or losing weight by going to the gym. And what happens? A month in that fuck is out drinking themselves under the table and eating a double quarter pound of the day before they have their exam. The excuse is always, I just haven't had the time when in reality it should be, I'm just a lazy cunt. Don't talk about what you're going to do. Just do it. I like that. Underrated. Uh, hooking up with a lady because of Bill Burr's podcast. Nice. Look at that. Fucking four years in, I finally did some good. There you go, sir. There you go. All right.

Listen to most of the shit I say. Don't listen to all of it because I am jaded. All right. But if you're looking to fucking tag a lady, use the shit that I say. If you're looking to fall in love, don't listen to anything that I say other than what I just told that guy with the face. Find someone who deserves it. All right. Don't be an old crabby dick like me. Anyways, Bill, I'm 21 and this was my first New Year's Eve. I was eligible to go out and drink legally. So I went out someplace with an open bar, got shitfaced and ended up puking all over myself and my sleep. But along the way, there was this girl who I knew from high school, who was a hot broad to say the least. Oh, is this the guy telling me the story? How he hooked up?

Okay, here we go. Now, we never really spoke much, but since I was so fucked up, I said to myself, let's see where this goes. We start talking and the topic of comedians come up and we both say our favorite, of course, is you, sir. Look at this stroke of my ego. But what she didn't know is that you have a weekly podcast. She was ecstatic considering how in love she is with you. Dude, if she listens to this episode, she might figure it out, but you already fucked her, so who cares, right? And after I put her on to this tidbit of information, seemed to have an even greater appreciation for my presence. Long story short, midnight we hook up and many times after until both of us don't even know our own names. Now, it could have been the

alcohol and my charming personality, but I thought I'd give you credit for having this podcast, sir. Oh, all right. Good for you, man. Whatever. I don't think it was me. I think you're a little older and you now have the confidence, but if you want to give me credit, I'll fucking take it. I'll take it just like Tim Tebow is going to take credit. No, he doesn't take credit. I give everything to the Lord Jesus. I'll be invisible bearded guy up in the sky, man. He gives a shit about the fucking game. I'm Tim Tebow. I give all praise to my Lord, my savior. Yes, we realize that Tim, you always say that. Why don't you tell us who you give all your praise to when you don't give praise to that? Because you know, until further notice, Tim Tebow

gives all praise to his savior and supervisor. Do you guys realize how fucked I am if Christianity is actually 100% correct? Do you understand about the fucking, the goddamn two bedroom suite that they're already preparing for me down in the inhales fire down inhales fire? You guys still really believe in that shit? Do you really believe that there's a guy in the sky? I think there is. I think, you know, actually, I don't. I just think when you believe in that stuff, this is my own personal opinion, you're just too dumb to figure shit out for yourself. You know, that's why I love scientists because they don't just sit there, you know, when they look at a volcano, they don't go, it's the fire gods and he's mad at us. You know, they go,

all right, let's start digging in the ground. And then they figure out that the core is still on fire and how fucking land fucking is created. I don't know. And then, then they go, and then they tell the Jesus freaks and then they kill them. They kill the scientists. They throw them in, make a sacrifice to the fire god. Then eventually, few centuries later, they finally agree. All right. All right, you got us on the volcano stuff. You know, but, you know, who made the, the earth core then? How can you answer that one? It was the earth core God. Like that's what they do. No matter, as science just keeps proving and disproving religion, they always, no matter what you say, they always end up with their hand on top of the bat. Because then they can, well, who

created infinity, man? Fuck it. And you know, there is an answer to that. I don't know. And neither do I. I'm trying to put a face on it and tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'm legitimately asking you this. If there was a higher power, power, why would he create pedophiles? Why would he do that? If he has the ability, and let's just say that because, because Satan fucking did something to his wiener. All right. All right, I'll go with that. Then why doesn't God just take a fucking lightning bolt? If I was God, I would just treat earth like a video game. I'd just start zapping people, you know? A couple of casualties here or there, you know, collateral damage. But you make it up to him. You invite him into your house. Why wouldn't you just do that? Why does he let fucking,

you know, like that douche over at Penn State? Why does he let that go on so fucking long? It doesn't make any fucking sense. I don't know what it is. I don't know. Who the fuck knows? I've lost so many goddamn friends the last five years, and you know something's actually made me not even afraid of dying anymore. Because I just figured if there's something else, I'm going wherever they're going, and I'll just hang out with them. And if it sucks, you know, we can all go down together, right? Like that Billy Joel song. Does that make any sense? Are you guys all asleep right now, like my fucking dog? All right, let's do a recap, everybody. If you're going to go to amazon.com, please go to billburr.com first, click on the merge page,

and then go through Amazon. I would really appreciate that. A ton of you guys did it, and that means the fuck of world to me that you did it. You took an extra couple of seconds before you went there and bought a Flobi, you know, you decided to kick me a couple. You know what I did? I actually bought some skates. I finally bought some. I finally got sick of wearing my pair of Bauer Panthers from 1985. And actually, I didn't want to ruin them because they were starting to get ruined. And I bought them at Hughes's Pro Skate Shop. God rest his soul. And I still have the sticker on the side. And I was like, I don't want that to go away. So I fucking, I ordered a new pair, ones that I don't give a fuck about.

Because I'm a fucking, I'm a big adult kid. Got no responsibility. I'm a fucking lazy bastard. And the second I'm done with this, I'm going to go to sleep with my fucking dog. You know, not in a beastly alley kind of way now. What else? Please watch Napoleon Dynamite. Give it a chance, man. It's on Fox this Sunday. Makes his debut this Sunday, January 15th. And it's got the entire original cast, which to me you got to have that. That's awesome that they were able to do that. Because like I said, is there anything worse? Remember when they used to do that? Remember that like, what the fuck was one of those, one of those damn TV shows? You got to be kidding me. I can't

think of, oh, I remember. What was that movie with the Alicia Silverstone and that hot black chick and they were the little Hori school girl outfits? What the fuck was it called? Whatever. They ended up doing the TV show and like only the hot black chick signed up and then everybody else was different. Like this isn't the fucking TV version of the movie. You got all the new people. This is my roundabout way of saying watch Napoleon Dynamite this Sunday. If you like animation, come on man, give it a damn show. What else are you going to do? You're going to watch the 3000th episode of The Simpsons like I just fucking did. That is the podcast for this week. I really hope the Patriots win. That's going to be brutal. You know what? If the Patriots lose next

week, it's going to be because of me and my podcast because I trashed the bearded baby. Oh man, I wish I recorded the argument I just had with Verzi over Tim Tebow. He wasn't by any means saying that the guy was a great quarterback, but you know, he's the exact opposite of me. You know, he's one of those guys that gives, he will give somebody credit beyond credit. Like he was the guy when Sanchez had those first three great games. He was like, dude, he's a fucking star and I'm always the guy going, you haven't proven shit to me yet. In other words, Paul Verzi is a great father and I should never have kids. And with that, that is the podcast for this week. This is what I'll do. If Nia doesn't show up

in a decent amount of time, I will just ask her the question next week. And I will do it in my own rude style. So even if she doesn't get mad, she'll get mad at me and it'll be some more laughs for you guys. So once again, thanks to everybody's been going to Amazon.com. Like I said, kicks it my way. And then I kick it 10% of it over to the, to support the wounded warriors project. How do you not support that? Right? That is it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. Man, a woman, if you're on Facebook and you got the fucking smartphone, this okay. And the, and the, the fucking talking to their exes dump them. It's over. You know what

they're doing. You know what they're doing, right? Don't fucking ask me, you know what they're doing. All right, that's it. train train coming round round the baby train train coming round round the baby well it took my baby it never will again

yeah