Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-15-20

Episode Date: October 15, 2020

Bill rambles with Steve Byrne about his new movie 'The Opening Act', hiding from a Marine's wife, and open mic brawls.

All right. Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Burn. It's time for a very special edition of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I'm just checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. We have a very special guest, one of my nearest and dearest and oldest friends, oldest meeting the longest. He's still quite the looker. He asked me. The one and only, Steve Burn, everybody. Yo, thanks for having me, Bill. I appreciate it. And I just got to get this out of the way. I got to get this out of the way. I watched your episode of SNL. I loved it. I thought you did great. But the one thing I really, really admired about your monologue is the

fact that I know that you didn't get to work that monologue once in the city of New York. Normally, you'd see rock or whoever's hosting come down to the cellar and work on it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, at least some of the time. You didn't get any of that. And you went up and you delivered it flawlessly. It was unbelievable. No, I did those pop-up shows in New York. So you had to do a few of them, right? No, I was doing like three at night. I was running. I ran it. Oh, dear. Okay, good. I was going to see you.

I ran it. I ran it. I did it. I don't want to get anybody in trouble because not all the shows are legal. But just say there were some rooftops and sidewalks. Good. When you did the Rick Moranis joke, I used to play roller hockey with Rick Moranis in Central Park. And he's the nicest guy in the world. And when you told that joke, I left twice as hard because it's so damn funny. And he's just such a good dude. I mean, that's, you know, if anybody has a sense of humor, that's, I mean, obviously, I'm not happy that that happened to him. But I'll be honest with you. I thought that that was going to be the one that people were going to be upset about because

who doesn't love Rick Moranis? So whatever. But I mean, that was all any crap I got forward. It's always like eight people all tweeting at the same time. Everybody else either didn't watch it, didn't care or watched it, thought it was okay, liked it, didn't like it, but is fine with it. And then you go, Oh my God, I just, anyway, I want to fuck me. I want to talk about you here. I want to tell you, though, I've done literally, this is just today. These are all the radio stations I called since six a.m. 5 a.m. this morning. I've done 22 radio stations all today, yesterday and Monday. And I'd say half of the radio stations I've talked to probably 60 the last three days, they all loved your SNL monologue. So I'll let you know. Yeah.

Well, tell them to start tweeting. So anyway, you have an amazing movie coming out called Opening Act starring Jimmy O'Yang. I got to do it. I think a day or two on it. And you have all these amazing, amazing people in it. A lot of comics are in it. Neil Brennan, who I thought was great. I don't know how to say who they played on Runaving. Tom Segora, Whitney Cummings, Eliza Schlesinger. I'm trying to remember all of them. But one of the guys who particularly plays a comedian, Alex Moffitt, who I just worked with on SNL, as much as I loved his performance in your movie, I was even more blown away when I met him because I didn't even recognize I just watched a movie because I was in there. I go, oh, I played the feature act. And I was like, and I said,

oh, yeah. And then I'm sticking my head like, wow, man, he looks totally different. He sounds totally different. And we did a few sketches together. I think one that made the air and he really is like different in each thing. So the mob scene one. Yeah. Yeah. He's such a great actor. Really great. He is. He is. There's a lot of super talented people over there. But for those of you who don't, you know, obviously opening act, it's about stand up. I'm assuming Steve, it's loosely based on obviously your career as a comedian of Asian persuasion, right? Trying to get some stage time out there. That's right. Yeah. Semi-autobiographical. I think it would be, you know, when I was writing it, I was like, I want to write a great film about stand up. I hadn't seen a great

film just dedicated just to stand up. And I thought, I don't want to watch a film about a 50 year old driving home from Vegas. I want to watch a film about a 20 year old driving to Las Vegas for the first time. So why not experience everything for the first time with this character from bachelorette parties to heckling to doing morning radio for the first time. So everything that happens in the film did actually happen to me. The scene where Jimmy ends up underneath a trailer, scared for his life in the woods while a couple above him is having sex, that happened to me. It was in a real way. Yeah. And when I, when the girl brought me home, it was from Charlie Goodnights. Cause remember Charlie Goodnights? The club was upstairs. You go downstairs and that was the club

where everybody partied. So you go downstairs like fishing a barrel and this girl, she's on the bar, Daisy Dukes cowboy hat on. She points me. She goes, you get over here. And I was like, yes, ma'am. And next thing I know, I'm on a highway. I'm on an interstate. I'm on a main road. I'm on a side road. I'm on a dirt road. I'm in the fucking woods. And I'm like, where the fuck are we? And I'm literally in the woods and I go into a trailer. She pops open two beers, we're drinking beers. She immediately grabs my pants and pulls them down. I mean, we're in there for a minute. And I'm looking at the desk and I see all these guns and this bullets and I'm like, are you, do you shoot guns? And she goes, Oh, no, that's not mine. And then all of a sudden I hear

a truck pulling and she goes, Oh my God, my boyfriend's here. I go, what? He goes, he's a marine. Get out of here. And I jumped out of the window and I'm in the woods. So I can't run anywhere because I'll snap branches. He'll go, what the hell is that? And it'll shoot me. So I sat under the trailer and I heard him talking to her about, I was going to bang her and all this stuff. And then they started having sex. And I was just like, Oh my God. And I didn't have a cell phone. How long were you underneath? You never told me this. How long were you underneath the trailer for? I was underneath the trailer for probably three hours. I didn't have a cell phone because this took place in the year 2000. And so I had to wait until they banged. I heard them making hot pockets.

They ate, they passed out. I ran another two hours to the gas station. And that's how I got home. It was awful, awful. At one point, did you feel, I mean, you must have been scared shitless with the guns. He could have killed you. He could have shot you as many times you want. No one's going to hear it out there. And then just bury you. I mean, it's over. Yeah, I think in some way my career was is still left under that trailer. I think that's what happened. Wow, you know, that room, I'm not going to say the comic's name, but that reminds me another time when we were in somewhere in Tennessee. And the comic I was working with black dude left with a married white couple. And I was just like, are you out of your fucking mind?

Are you out of your mind? I was like, dude, don't go. And he was just like, nah, man, it's fine. It's fine. And then it ended up being fine. It ended up being fine. There's some, there's some pretty wild people out there. That's what I mean. I'm so glad, dude, I was just, I mean, if I didn't go to the bar and get shitfaced, I just went back to the room. I never got, you know, the few times I tried to stick my toe into that world. I always met some psycho chicken. I was just like, I really don't want to be meeting the kind of person that is going to hook up with the comic that's coming through town. So I kind of stayed out of that world. Jesus, dude, that made me nervous when you under the, how did you know when you finally felt like, okay, they're asleep?

I didn't hear anything. I didn't hear anything for like a good 20 minutes. I'm like, I think now they're sleeping. And it had to be like five or six in the morning. I was scared out of my mind. I was a young kid. Again, I didn't have a cell. Gotta make a move before the sun comes up. It was, it was horrifying. And even like that radio scene in the film that happened in Los Angeles at KLS on Frank Heide and Frosty and we're friends now, but it was the second time I did radio. And again, it's a different muscle. You got to know how to do radio. And Jimmy doesn't know. And I didn't know in the film, Jimmy doesn't know. So I'm bombing on the radio. I start trying to do that New York seller to set it up. There's a scene where Jimmy's character is going in for

the first time he does morning radio meets like a morning zoo team. Yeah. And, you know, they've been doing it forever and you come in, they don't know who you are. And those things can go sideways really quickly. Sorry. So go ahead. It went south quickly for me. And I started trying to do the seller shit where I'm like taking jabs at them. But I wasn't doing a good job at it. And they're like, who is this guy? They called security on me while I'm on the air. They go security. Can you, I'm like, are you guys serious? I thought it was a joke. Security comes and like picks me up. And I'm like, is this real? And I get taken out. I get escorted out of the building. It's just a bit. I got I remember at the time Sebastian Maniscal lived a block away. So I walk over to his place.

I knock on his door. He goes, what's wrong? I go turn on the radio. We listen to them eviscerate me for 15 minutes destroying me. He's got no charisma. He's got no future. This is in Los Angeles. How hard were you laughing? I was crippled. I just moved to LA. I'm like, okay, okay. The worst. They stop, they cut to commercial. Sebastian just put his coffee down and looked at me goes, what the fuck did you do guy? So the film was really taken all those awful experiences and combining it into 90 minutes so that people that have been to a comedy club can now experience what it's like to be on the road. And also how difficult it is to navigate those first very few few moments and hurdles we all have to go through as young comics.

Yeah, I remember doing a radio with this. There was some legendary guy in Cleveland. I should have known because he was like in his 60s. He was still doing it. I remember he had he had brown hair that he had dyed it and had an orange tint to it. You know, the dye wasn't good in the 90s, right? Yeah. So I went on and he was just he wasn't friendly. And then he had this sidekick and he's just like, Hey, he goes, he goes, Hey, how's it going? And I try to do that. Yeah, it's going great. Let's get the comedian up at six o'clock in the morning. I just I try to do like a I'm so tired, but he took it as though I was shitting on his show. Oh, and he I think I don't even I was so long ago, he just started coming at me. And by the time I was like, Oh, no, no, no, that that was aimed

at me. Yeah, it was I did another one. The shock jock guy. I came walking in and he's got his back to me. I already gone through there one time. Yeah, the late grade Charlie Murphy and Donnell Rawlings when we won the Chappelle gig tour. And I went in there and he was intimidated by Charlie and Donnell. Right. He's most white guys. I felt like didn't hang around black people. So he's like, Oh, my God, black people be friendly to them. And I was sitting there, you know, looking like a old howdy duty. So he just was going at me. So I kind of knew he was like that. And the person's bringing me go, Yeah, he's kind of in an extra grumpy mood. So I came walking in and the guy is back to me doesn't even say hello. And they got me a water and like, Bill, you got

we got a water can be the assistance. Like, can we get you anything else? And I was just like, No, man, I just need some headphones and I'll be good. And he turns around and goes, Yeah, we'll get you some cans. Like who says cans, right? And I was just like, What the fuck? And he ended up getting fired shortly thereafter. And I think he knew he was going to get fired. So he was in this desperate mood, where he had to be crazy. And I he threw a whole hot cup of coffee. I don't think it was still hot at one of his lackeys. Oh, shit, really threw it up and over like we was standing like a round thing. Yeah, he didn't throw it. He made sure he threw it where it was it was sort of going up and the kid had time to get out of the way. But I was just

like, this guy's out of his mind. Trashed me said he never heard of me. And I said, Well, I just had something come out of I go at that point, it started sticking up myself. Well, actually, I know I just did premium blend or something on Comedy Central. I got good reviews or something like that. He goes, Yeah, I never heard anything about it. And I'm just like, Thanks. It's one of those idiots who like doesn't get the business because it's like, you know, you stay in this business for 15 minutes, and you're going to see somebody that was here, go down here, and somebody here is going to go like that. So anybody you're talking to, if you're looking up at him looking down the next day, it can flip. So if you go around

doing this thing where if I don't know you, I'm going to treat you like shit, that guy could end up being or that woman could be a boss in like a week. And for some reason, this guy didn't seem to understand that. No, not like that happened with me. But I just I've never understood people, you know, just in general, to treat other people like shit. But just if you had any sort of business sense, why you would do that, especially in our profession, because we're all stocks, we go up, we go down, like punky Johnson, you think about it. I asked her, she was a bartender at the comedy store. And I said, Hey, we got a scene where I need a host of the open mic. And she's the host of the open mic at the beginning of the film. She's introducing

Dr. Ken, Ken Jung. And she's up there. And now the film has come out. And she's on SNL. And I was like, Holy shit, just in less than literally the last time I saw her, she was behind the bar at the comedy store. What's up, Bill? I saw her right before COVID. And that was the thing. For those who don't know, she would be she would work the bar early in the night. And then she would run up and go do a spot and everybody loved her. I mean, she was one of those people that when she got at the whole comedy store, yeah, just texting each other like, what? Oh my God, like, everybody loves her or not. I actually got to do, I got to do a sketch with her. Yeah. Yeah. So it's kind of cool in the end. Dude, how I mean, I was with you when we, we were talking about Kevin Hart,

when Kevin Hart first did SNL, we had a conversation about that was like one of the first of our friends to kind of host and how cool it was. And it might have been Dane, it was Dane or Kevin got it first. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then you got it. And then to see like, when I saw the thing, they always have great photography. And they put on the social media, the yellow background, and you were there. And I was like, man, that's so fucking cool that all those, all those great, the pantheon of talent that's been on that show. I mean, I know you when I was getting changed, they want commercial break, I peaked out for some reason, because I always, you know, music geek, I was watching the band. And Oh, Jack White Jesus, man. Yeah, I saw, I was watching,

I think the SNL, but I saw the, that one with the yellow background and said SNL. And I was just like, this can't be real. It's my 16 birthday. Let's, let's pretend you did this show. It was crazy. I want to ask you this, because obviously you're such a big music fan. I don't want to hijack your podcast. But the guy, the drummer that was playing with Jack White, I've never seen like an inverted drum kit where it was facing out. Is there an acoustic reason to do that? Or is it just like an aesthetic reason to do that? I'd never seen that in my life. I read up on it. There is like a reason he said he did it. But I can tell you that I got so many people who said, Hey, great job on SNL. Dude, what was up with that drummer's kit? I mean, it was nuts. Jeff Cesario was telling me,

he goes, it looked like he was playing like drums while falling out the window. But I mean, it works for him. He had all kinds of things when he, the way we hit the ride, he kind of go like that with this. And he was really interesting to watch, but didn't steal focus. And they played off each other. Great. And then their bass player, the bottom end that he was putting in the like, I got like, I was already on 10. And then when Jack showed up, yeah, and you're dressing on TV, his is like, literally right there. Oh, by the way, this is my, my SNL's little cut I got. What happened? That was from the cast on the Sam Adams thing. They had the fake cast. And when we were fighting or whatever, at some point it, it just, it was like a cheese grater.

Fucking thing has been so annoying to try and get to heal because it's, I don't know why. But anyway, once he showed up, I mean, the ride he takes you on, like, I love that one song when he just starts, he starts so low. And then we'll just let a couple like bend a few notes, a few ring out and then just build, build, build. I mean, I learned, I was talking to somebody last night about this, how much I learned the most lessons I learned about a comic is from watching great musicians. It makes no sense. But it does to me. Yeah. If I see like, you know, just the dynamics, some of you understands dynamics, understands how to pull it back and then unleash it. Just because they're doing it musically, you can do that also with your jokes and how you control your

energy, how loud you are, bring them down, which pulls them in and then hit them over the head. And then you can't stay up at 10 for too long or it just becomes like white noise. And, you know, we've all seen like the loud comic who has the mic like in their mouth. Yeah. And it's like, that only has an effect, you know, for so long. But if you have the ability to do that, it's this amazing tool that you can then have that overhand right to hit them with. So I get a lot out of like, just how hard he was going. Yeah. And how amazing they sounded. I was just thinking like, all I got to do is nail my monologue. And then in every sketch I'm in, I'm surrounded by Groundlings, Second City, they're going to hold me up. And then I'm going to say now Jack White,

unbelievable, gonna fucking kill it. And then I knew that Beck Bennett had this really, really funny pre tape thing. So I was like, we got that. And I was that's when I like around Friday, I was getting excited. I was like, this is going to be, this is going to be, this is going to be interesting. And then I saw the Eddie Van Halen tribute that video, which I didn't know that they were going to show. And I was like, it was, it was an unbelievable moment. That was sick. And it's great that someone who's a purveyor and such a fan of rock as you are, was there to, you know, pay homage to them. And to say what you were saying about deriving inspiration from music, I remember watching that Michael Jackson documentary.

This is it. Remember after he died, they cashed in and show you the rehearsal shit. And there was a moment in there where he, he comes out and the band starts playing, he goes, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Let it sizzle. Let it simmer. Let it simmer. Yeah. And, and I remember like, I laughed so fucking hard. And then I was performing like the next week at a funny bone. And I nailed the joke and the audience was clapping. And in my head, I heard his voice go, let it simmer. And I was just like, I just like, don't talk and let it simmer. Oh, that's what, no, I'm telling you, like those guys, like, if you see a master, I'll tell you who I saw was a master, not the most popular guy anymore. But I saw Bill Cosby right before, right before all the shit hit the fan. And I watched him

sit down doing that. Oh yeah. And he had us on a string. Yeah. He had us on a string and wherever he wanted to take us, he was, it was, he was like conducting the whole thing. And I got so much out of watching that. So I don't know. But anyway, let's talk about the movie here. Dude, this ain't about me. When is, when is it, when is it out? How can people see it? Yeah. When do you go to Cannes and be called the next O-Tour? Is that the word? Whatever the, whatever the, yeah. None of that's happened in Bill. None of that's happened. And when, when the film got green. What drive-in movie theater? Bird Christure opens. The movie goes on. That's what's going to happen. I'm going to go see, I'm going to have a premiere,

be we big, Pee Wee's big adventure style, you know, where I'm at the end and I walk through the drive-in and all my friends are there. That's what's going to happen. I got a tuxedo. I got a nice dress for my wife. And I was like, we're going to wear this to premiere, to the premiere. And then the pandemic hits. It's like, well, we're going to get a six pack of Schlitz and pop open this SUV and just watch it from the back of the SUV. But yeah, it's going to be a Friday, October 16th, in select theaters, which means if you want to see them theater, you got to fly to a red state and watch it there. Or you just watch it at Amazon and iTunes, anywhere. Are you just no driving movie theater premiere in LA?

Nope. Nah, man. Because once you said October 16th, I'm like, well, I got past that gig in my year. I got all the time in the world. Yeah, we're going to, I think we're going to go to, I'll let you know about it, but Vince, Pete and I are going to go to one of the drive-ins and some of the cast members. I'll let you know which one we're going to, but I think we're going to just get a limo and go up and I'm there. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be fun, man. It should be a good time. I got to ask you in an earlier draft, because I know some Steve Byrne stories here.

Oh boy. The fistfights? In an earlier draft, was there ever a scene where Jimmy's character, Will, is on stage and a Puerto Rican hits him over the head with a chair at a club that may or may not look like the comic strip. Now, for those of you at home, this man may not have happened to your director here, Steve Byrne. He was at the comic strip and one of the great comedy clubs out there, but as all comedy clubs, they go through ups and downs, just like a relationship. Down time and you wanted to be on the eight o'clock or the 10 o'clock show. You did not

want to be on the late one. The late one, what would happen was so few people would show up that until you hit a comedian over the head with a chair, you were not going to get thrown out. So you just went up there. There was nobody going in there looking out for comics. Nope. Now they do. I'm not shitting on the club, but there was a period back then where you went in there, you were on your own and you would walk in there and you could tell the crowd had already taken over the show. Everyone was Julius Caesar doing this. I had, I stopped putting in for the late show. I stopped putting in for it because I just, at some point I was like, I've done this enough. I have my stories. I've paid my dues. I'm getting

nothing out of this and I'm going home angry because it would always be the last set of the night. Yep. I learned my lesson the hard way and everything you're saying. Tell the story. How did that happen? I went to the late show. I was such a dipshit. I was a young comic. I wrote a new joke that day. I'm like, I'm going to grind this joke. And by the end of the night, it's going to be a good joke. So I did my sets. I go up to the comic strip. It was my birthday too. So I go up. Midnight. There's eight people in there. Four of them are from Jersey and they're debating the check. That's how late I was up. I got the check dropped. And so they start bitching about the check and I go, guys, can I just do the show for these remaining four

people? What are you going to do about it? Jackie Chan? I'm like, oh, fuck, here we go. So they call me. Oh, I thought it was, I thought you were the one. I thought that was the Puerto Rican guys. That must have been somebody else. No, well, no, you're right. So they call me Jackie Chan. They call me something else. Then the girlfriend starts chiming in. The girlfriend's chirping me. There's a tie and chick. And I, and I was so inexperienced. I was such a dummy. I go, will somebody tell that content to shut up? Next thing I know, a fucking bar stool gets world right across. I see it in slow motion. I turn around. The bar stool hits me right here, cracks my skull open. Blood is streaming down my neck like hot water. Big J. O'Kersen heard the stool crash against the wall,

comes running in, breaks it up. I go, he goes, you okay? I go, I'm finishing my set. He goes, you're not finishing your set. Dude, you got blood coming down your neck. Get the fuck in the hospital. He burns a hockey player, by the way. Go ahead. So, so I go to the hospital, eight staples in the back of my head. And being a comic, I'm like, they're not going to bog me down. I know I'm embarrassed, but I got to go show my face and get it over with. I show up as soon as I walk into the comedy, as soon as I walk into the comic strip, they go, Hey, everybody, it's the chairman. The chairman is Steve, Steve Berners here. I go, all right, I walk over to my head shot. Somebody had tape staples to my head shot right there. It was like, all right, welcome to New York

City. I remember that. I think that's how I found out about it. Why is there staples on Steve Bern's head? Because I think I was on the road. They didn't hear about that. And I called this Puerto Rican guy's girlfriend at Contany through a chair. And then I was probably going, And what did you guys do about it? I love it. Once again, they even threw a chair and nobody gets the other comic. Yeah. Yeah. There was one time I got into a real fistfight at the comedy store. I'll never forget this. I was at a point in my life where you think, okay, I'm mature enough. I'm past it. I know how to handle situations. I was a student at the comedy store. This is the dark days at the store. Nobody's coming there, right? And so being introduced, as I go on stage, four

kids, four Asian kids are getting up and they walk out of the comedy store. And before I even touch the microphone, this guy goes, Hey, your friends left you. I go, what? He goes, your friends left. And he's eating chicken wings. Now, after he says your friends left, he goes like this. He goes, and I was like, this motherfucker, I go, are you saying my friends because they're Asian? He takes another bite of the wing and he goes, yep. That's what I'm saying. I was like, this piece of shit. I go, well, maybe I'll go outside and I'll find them. He goes, maybe you should. I go, maybe you should come outside with me. We'll find them together. He goes, maybe I will. And I jumped off stage. I want to punch this guy. I jumped off stage. I got up. He got up. I started

walking over towards that corner by the, by the manager desk or whatever where they answer the phone and take the money. And I grab them and I just start popping them in the face and I'm dropping them. I'm popping them as he goes down. I'm just drilling them. Next thing I know, his friend that was with him picked up a table. Those tables are heavy. They've been around since the 50s probably. Anybody knows about the furniture at the comedy, uh, comic strip. And we use Steve. You got a bar stool. Now we got a table. Okay. I got a table. Yeah. So this guy's taken a table and he's going to hit me. Brett Ernst runs in and tackles the guy and puts an end to that. Otherwise, I swear to God, I would be eating every meal out of a straw. I'd be up on four wheels. That thing's

fucking heavy. So thank God Brett Ernst saved me. Big J saved me. And, uh, that was the last fight I got into, uh, because of comedy. I learned my lesson. I know one other one, but I'm not. What other, what other one? The guy on 9th Avenue sitting in the car. What happened? I remember I saw a cab. You don't remember you. Somehow you got into with the guy in a car. Yeah. And you punched him in the face while he was sitting. Oh, that may, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there was another time outside the cellar, outside the cellar, the cab driver was being a fucking asshole. So I took, you know, they took the garbage bags. I took a garbage bag and I fucking chucked it on the hood of his car. I'm like, fuck you piece of shit. And he got out and I started hitting

him and he hit me back. And I, I think it was Colin that broke it up, Colin Quinn. And, uh, he's like, you good. I'm like, yeah, I'm up in five minutes. And I think I'm the only guy who never had to break up with Steve. The money that I hung out with you, you never got in a fight when I was around you, but I would just always, I would always say, yeah, Steve, Steve went into the, went into the whiz to go buy a, to go buy a Walkman. I'm a pretty nice guy, but a speaker at the back of his head and he just started punching him. It's always just right there. It's always right there. I'm a great guy. I'm a good hang, but there is that like, it's right there. Just always boils. It's a nice simmer, but as I've gotten older, the simmers got lower and lower.

That's the, that's your blood, man. It's the Irish. It's the Korean and Irish. Irish in there. Cause the Koreans are they need an Irish, right? Koreans are the Irish of Asia. They're outgoing. They're fun. They love to fucking drink whiskey. Oh my God. They're storytellers and they love to fight. So I think it's, it's a double whammy. Got a double shot of hot blood is what happened. You know who else has that? You know who else has that is Al Madrigal. Oh yeah, but he's not real. He's Sicilian and Mexican. Oh, you do not want to fight. You don't want to make him mad. No, you never want to get on our bad side. He's the most brutally honest person I've ever met. He likes, he likes to talk shit, but he's,

he does it from an honest place, but he's never been in a fight, which I found fascinating. And then you go, the way I go, the way you were on your mouth, you never been in a fight. He's like, never been in a fight. I guess he's one of those guys that doesn't need to. Well, it's good. He did. Cause he's, he's like one of those bite your ear off guys. He starts biting your ear and you pull away and doesn't let go. And then it's like three quarters hanging off your fucking head. Yeah. Yeah. There's no, there's no rules of contact with him, I think. Yeah. I essentially retired from fighting in like junior high. Everybody else hit puberty, but me and shot up and I was like, all right, time to be funny. Let's, let's avoid this.

I think my late twenties, that's when I, that's when I raised the, raised it to the Raptors. Are we tired from fighting come then? It's a great thing to do. Um, anyways, the, uh, I love the movie. I saw it and I didn't get just centered at the entertainer as the, the, the, the headlining comic taken Jimmy's character will under his wing. Um, was such an amalgam of so many people that helped me out in this business all the way from Tony B when I was in Boston to like dice out in LA. Um, just giving you sage advice. You know, yeah. And I really, now that I've gotten to that age is what it is when you look at younger comics, you see them about to do something that you did. Yeah. You'd be like, all right,

you can do that, but, uh, you know, my experience as it played out like this, or you can do this other thing. Um, well, it always helped me out as a younger comic because it was like, okay, so this is not unique to me. The world is not attacking me. This is part of being a comedian and you can just, then you don't have to do all that stupid guy ego shit. Um, that causes you to say something stupid and basically put you on the bench for another three years in this business. Yeah. And the story to go away or for somebody to do something dumber than whatever the hell you just did or said. Yeah. All those, all those great guys along the way, but now it's like you and I are at a similar age now where look, you're doing theaters

and arenas. I'm still in the clubs and those young comics come up and they still ask you. I'm in parking lots. I'm doing patches of grass behind a fucking motel. We don't, we all got me too this year. COVID meet everybody. The young comics, they still ask you those same questions. And now it's like, I finally, we will be able to say, here's a DVD of the movie. That's everything you need to know. Good luck on your journey. I think the film really is up for a young comic. It really isn't. I've never written a movie, but I talk, I mean, I can't imagine how much work that was. I'm so proud of you. Everybody please go out and go see opening act. Can you watch it online? Did we mention what that was? Yeah, streaming Amazon

iTunes, wherever you stream films, you can see it October 16th. It's released and I cannot thank you enough for doing it. Bill, you know, it was one of those things where yes, you are a friend, but it was also a favor because you're doing so much. It's like you got your pick of the litter and to go from, you know, like set of the Mandalorian to coming down and doing an independent film with me and Jimmy O'Yan, which I never understand. Are you being confused with the other Jimmy Yang that's so famous and popular? I never understood why he has the O in there, but it's like, all right, let's do Jimmy O'Yan. Thank you, man. Thank you for doing it. No worries. No worries. I hope this is a big success and I'd like to see many more.

The great Steve Byrne, everybody. Thank you, Bill. No worries. And I'm going to have to do, I advertise and read after this. All right. Any other, if you need me to Instagram anything, tweet anything, just always text me and I'll help promote it. You got my number, Steve. So if there's any promotional stuff that I'll just add to the tweet. Let me know. Okay. Yeah, for sure. I'll hit you guys up probably day of, you know, the day of release. I'll hit you guys with maybe the trailer asking, just put up the trailer and see. That's in two days, the 16th, right? Two days. Yeah, man. Dude, congrats on SNL, dude. I was so fucking happy for you. And when I saw you come out and do that monologue, it's just like, there's a part of me up there, you know, because every comic wants to

do that. But knowing like one of the good guys got to do it, I was so fucking stoked for you, man. And that Boston, that Sam Adams commercial was so fucking funny. I was, I hope you're proud of that I hope they do an extended cut because I had a lot of, we had a lot of fun doing that. We shot that for like four hours. I had all kinds of endings and all kinds of things. I was just that Heidi, the actor there, her last name, she was cracking me up. She was super funny too. So love to your family, man. Love to you. Take care, guys. All right, we'll see you. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's our old friends here, Indochino. You know, people finding clothes that fit you just right can be incredibly challenging. They should be the people sewing them together.

Indochino suits are great for weddings and work, and they even offer casual options like shirts, coats, and chinos. So I guess it is chino. With Indochino, you get custom fitted suits and coats and casual wear at surprisingly affordable prices. Customize everything from the fabric and the lining to the lapel shape and monogram. And since your order is made to your exact measurements, it always fits you perfectly. If you're getting married, married, geez, Indochino is no longer, is a no brainer for you and your groomsmen. Forget the off the rack suits that don't fit different type bodies. You know what that means, you're tall, you're short, you're a little chubby. Indochino gives everyone a tailor fit, order with ease and get it shipped fast no matter where you

live. Or you feel like Kevin McHale with super long arms. And with all the ways to customize, you can add a personal touch to everything and every personal touch, everyone will be proud to wear without emptying their pockets. The best part is Indochino suits started just $299 with all customizations included. Visit one of Indochino showrooms across North America or book a virtual appointment at shop online at Indochino.com. And right now you'll get $30 off any purchase of $399 or more when you enter the code BRRR at checkout that's Indochino.com slash BRRR. No, Indochino.com promo code BRRR. Sorry. Oh, look who it is everybody. Oh, zip. Monica Stax could relate. She needed to hire for a pivotal role at her construction company,

GS group, but was having a tough time finding the right person, especially with so many candidates out there. So she switched to zip recruiter. Zip recruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It's technology identifies people with the right experience for your job and actively invites them to apply, which is why you should try zip for free at ziprecruiter.com slash BRRR. That's how Monica found Lamont, your big dummy Jenkins, whose name Lamont in 2020. She said that zip recruiter sent Lamont, I'm having a big one, profile to her around, wait. She said that zip recruiter sent Lamont's profile to her around five minutes after she posted her job because he was a great match for the role. Though zip, through zip recruiter Monica's company

has hired everyone from accountants to project managers to field scientists. Wow, that's a big construction company. But Monica's not only the only employer who loves zip recruiter four to five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself how zip recruiter makes hiring faster and easier. Try it now for free. That's right. Free at ziprecruiter.com slash BRRR.com slash BRRR.com slash BRRR. Z-I-P-R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R.com slash BRRR. Okay, we got one more here. Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh. Get Fresh pre measured ingredients and mouth watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door with Hello Fresh. America's number one meal kit. Hello Fresh lets you skip those trips to the grocery store and makes home cooking easy,

fun, and affordable. Skip the grocery store. How are you going to find that married woman in the loveless marriage? Sorry. Hello Fresh offers convenient delivery right to your doorstep for easy home cooking with the family. The recipes are easy to follow and quick to make with simple steps and pictures to guide you along the way. Hello Fresh cuts out stressful meal planning. Jesus Christ, what am I going to make? And grocery store trips so you can enjoy cooking and get dinner on the table in about 30 minutes or even less. Easily change your delivery days or food preferences and skip a week whenever you need. Feeding the whole family has never been easier with larger box sizes for more servings and more savings since they offset their operations, travel and shipping

admissions. Hello Fresh. Hello Fresh's carbon footprint is 25% lower than store-bought grocery made meals. The source of that is the University of Michigan. Hail to the victors. Hello Fresh is committed to making fresh delicious food available now more than ever and has taken extra steps to keep its employees and customers safe including contactless delivery. Here's your food tamper proof packaging and team member wellness checks. You can save 40% by using Hello Fresh versus shopping at your local grocery store and it's more convenient too. Over 90% of ingredients are sourced directly from growers to ensure the freshest recipes are delivered to your door. Host must voice call to action verbatim. Oh that's me. I'm the host and I must do the call to action verbatim. Well I'm

if you're writing I'm going to read it. Go to hellofresh.com slash eight zero burr and use the code eight zero burr to get a total of $80 off across five boxes including free shipping on your first box. That's hellofresh.com slash eight zero burr promo code eight zero burr. That is it. Thank you for listening. Enjoy the music and there'll be a bonus half hour of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday money playing podcast from you know a year ago or I don't know how we ended up eight years. Eight years from eight years ago. All right. My talk for eight years is still a three. Okay I'll see. Hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday October 15th

2012. 2012 baby. This is soulful October. Make sure to wear your fake pink afros for to raise soul awareness in October. I want to fucking have some sort of counter awareness thing to try to dip into all this pink all this pink that I'm seeing out there. It's like I got it. I was aware of it before the month. Stop jamming it down my throat there. You know we already got a month of it in the NFL. Breath cancer or we're raising awareness. Why don't you raise money to cure it? Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing? If you're raising awareness what exactly does that mean? They said that on my flight I was on a Delta flight. You know went to the airport and I'm flying once again. Come fly with me you red face fucking cunts

and I'm flying from New York City to Los Angeles right and I get on the flight and I'm looking at the ladies right the stewardesses and they're sitting there in jeans and in pink shirts and I was like oh Jesus right here we go again here we go again. All right so we sit down and they get on the you know they get on the fucking horn there and they go thank you for flying Delta if you could step out of the aisle to help expedite fucking word I can't stand that word does not exist other than in the fucking corporate world all right to expedite the boarding process we'd like to have an on time departure bitch that's not on me that's on you okay you said the ship was leaving at fucking 10 past 11

I didn't why didn't you start boarding the fucking thing earlier or at least give us a little more room back here. So anyways of course once we get the plane starts going she goes um the captain still has the seatbelt signs on you cannot use anything electronically here's my memorized joke that I say every flight about electronic stuff and then she goes you might have noticed um the flight attendants are not wearing our usual uniforms really yes really we're actually wearing jeans and pink shirts to raise breast cancer awareness if you'd like to buy a ham sandwich that was put together by a Filipino child nine weeks ago out in the French Riviera sweatshop section of Nice a portion of the proceeds will be going towards raising breast cancer awareness

they keep saying that shit raising breast cancer awareness shouldn't they be raising money to cure it you know I think the awareness is out there so if you're just raising money if I go and buy that fucking Cubano fucking you know ham and cheese with the pickles there sandwich right I'm buying it thinking that I'm going to help the fucking disease am I if you're just doing it to raise breast cancer awareness for that am I just giving you money to buy more pink shit is that what I'm doing that's what I want to know what what am I buying this sandwich for you know it's funny you know goddamn well there's somebody within that fucking pink organization is pulling down high six figures for raising breast cancer awareness you know they are

there's somebody right now down at some fucking dealership going do I buy that overpriced shiny motherfucker or this one right with fucking you've got pink fucking 20s in his pocket going to peel him off like Kanye West right um Kanye West that's my impersonation of his rapping style because he thinks his crowds are like borderline retarded and they don't understand words so he has to slow down every third one I'm not saying I'm gonna fuck a day but they should re-break his jaw because he still looks like a fucking pug um oh I'm in a mood why isn't such a cunty mood bill I'll tell you why I'll tell you why because I have a 14 hour flight today to fucking Australia and I didn't want to think about that but let's get back to the pink shit

you know one of the classic things that football fans will say they'll be like well why don't they have why don't they have prostate awareness month where they wear like brown stuff you know why they don't have prostate um awareness month aside from the fact that guys couldn't organize a fucking fishing trip without drinking a 12 pack first um it's because guys are already watching NFL football that's why we're already watching there's no way there's no read there's no what's the upside you know to of that reminding us that our ass might fall out someday while we're watching the fucking overrated seahawks oh I'm gonna get to that by the way I'm gonna get to that all right you've tree hugging fucking Kurt Cobain candlelit vigil fucking douchebags I'm gonna you know I'm

gonna get to you guys right fucking now I am so sick of them talking about how fucking well before I do that let's let's be honest here the Patriots did not deserve to win that game Tom Brady had a horrible fucking game um and our defensive backs just I don't know what they're doing can somebody for the love of God explain to me what the defensive backs on the New England Patriots are doing are they covering the receivers or are they just merely giving them an escort down the field we made that fucking rookie look like goddamn Joe Montana the amount of fucking jump balls that guy threw just threw a jump ball in the general vicinity and our guys are just running down the field of course with these new fucking uh rules and this goes on on on both sides the the rules in

the NFL are just fucking horrific at this point do you see that Jets game look Andrew Luck throws a pick Cromani's running it into the end zone Luck's coming over to you know to try to cause some sort of traffic so he goes out of bounds it doesn't score and guess what he gets blocked and he falls on his ass and they call a penalty roughing the quarterback I'm at you I don't I don't get it I don't it's one of the worst fucking calls I've ever seen in my life other than that fucking call against the Yankees at second base now that that that right there was um I would investigate that umpire did you have like did you have money on that fucking game whatever whatever whatever so that's bullshit that whole the whole protecting of the fucking quarterback

is such horseshit there was one play the Patriots one of our linebackers came in right Seattle's quarterback is in the follow-through of throwing the ball he goes to swat the ball the ball goes by he misses it and part of his forearm I mean hit the guy's head I mean not even hard he's swatting at the ball they call roughing the passer and that was yet another jump ball that he threw and this is the coverage the Patriots guy has he gives him his little little touch you're allowed to touch the receiver in within the first five yards but I think at this point you're allowed to do it with only two fingers you know one didn't index fingers or two pinkies in the thumb okay you're allowed because pinkies are short you're allowed to touch the fucking receiver

and then after that you just all you can do is run next to them this is why if I see one more mediocre fucking jackass throw for 350 fucking yards it's unbelievable look you when I was a kid when you played football you fucking ran with your guy you saw his eyes and then you turned around you look back at the quarterback and then you hand checked the receiver you didn't grab his jersey you just put your hand back so you knew where the fuck he was okay that's it you can't even do that so all these fucking guys do now is they just run down the field with them and then when they see their eyes go up at the last second they try to turn around and by then it's it's it's fucking over by the time they realize the balls

there the receiver's fucking dick is in his face and then they just sort of grab around his waist and pull the guy down they're like oh another big game for fucking joe blow he has 400 yards passing in the second quarter a new nfl record it's amazing he couldn't carry dan marino's fucking jockstrap but for some reason he just broke one of his records ah I swear to god I am I'm gonna stop fucking watching nfl football if you can't fucking hit the quarterback and you can't cover the receivers and I have to watch another fucking guy go 36 for 58 I don't want to see 58 six yard passes in a game I don't want to fucking see it I don't know maybe they'll make a helmet that will allow them to play

football again and I want to apologize to all those rugby fucking fans I was wrong after really watching it this week you know I've been on the road for six straight weeks have to really sitting down there watching the nfl package dude I don't even recognize the fucking game anymore do you know somebody what my buddy was is back east in Boston do you see fucking west welcomes a tough son of a tough son of a bitch did you see him get fucking stuck after he made that catch just a fucking great old school rattle your fillings hit it was the shit one of those things where you sit at home you see the hit you're like yeah right there aside from obviously the speed of the game that hit right there is why I'm on the couch watching and not playing because if that ever

happened to me I would have fucking if I didn't die instantly I would have been crying like a little girl and I would have crawled off of my forearms and just laid in the fetal position for the rest of the fucking game as opposed to welcome got up was out for one play and came back and count it like another 15 yarder just a great fucking hit some fucking sports guy in Boston my buddy was telling me said that that the guy should be fine for that hit I don't know this is it you know what it is the timeout generation is coming of age and I don't recognize it but I got to tell you fucking Seattle their fans annoy the fuck out of me they really do I am so sick of them getting all this fucking credit for being this loud crowd the 12th man you know your 12th man should be

your 12th man every week should be the architect that built that stadium because they knew you guys were just average fucking fans so they had to like design a symphony hall to enhance how loud your cheers are I went to that stadium you can't fucking believe how loud it is you're looking around going how is it this loud and I'm looking at the expressions on people's faces they're not any more intense nothing it's that fucking overhang they built a symphony to capture every fucking cheer that goes up there and now these guys are out there act thinking they're like these badass fans with your ugly ass fucking uniforms oh and to make matters worse yeah and every week they have some fucking B-list celebrity go out

there and I forget what he does he blows a trumpet or raises a flag it was so forgettable I was actually at yeah it's to have most of this is because I'm mad that my fucking team blew that goddamn game no we didn't even blow we fucking didn't even deserve it we didn't fucking deserve it and is this hunting am I now taken away from Seattle yeah total Seattle totally deserves it their fucking defense is great and everything was awesome and I really liked I love how fucking big and hard their uh their their corners hit and everything was great and then this morning I'm watching the NFL network and one of their corners is on there talking trash but he's like giddy it was like uh I had douche chills going up the arm back down the arm and back up the army

he's just like oh you know before the game and I said to Brady we're gonna beat you and he's like talk to me after the game and then we won and then I was like yeah what's up now you know we're we're like a team they're like they're like the Brady bunch and uh uh it was like dude please stop talking you just won just sit there like it was no big deal why are you trying to act like you're a badass and you you sound giddy you won a game in fucking October absolutely giddy he sounded like he shook Elvis's hand uh if you can quote me put it on the NFL network oh go wash your dreads nobody gives a fuck we'll one for you win one fucking game you win one fucking game in October and you're fucking sitting there texting about it and then

Tom Brady said this and then I said that did he write some he said fucking she said horseshit just be thankful that you have one more fucking victory than you really deserve because of those replacement refs honestly Seattle honestly do you really think you're gonna win the Super Bowl this year you know even with your your your enhanced acoustics there you know who um actually you know that'd be interesting um who who who designed that stadium did Paul Simon did he have a word in that did he sit there on the 50 yard line you know singing one of his uh going to San Francisco songs James Taylor maybe he sat out there okay James let's just see if we've moved the roof in um far enough to capture every sound in this building I've seen fire and I've seen rain

I've seen sunny days oh my god oh wait most of that most of that was I'm just pissed at my fucking team lost uh why won't they let them play football anymore everybody is it because they're worried about a class action suit with all these fucking concussions just makes make them sign a waiver I understand that if I get my head slammed at 40 miles of fucking hour every three seconds playing this game that eventually there might be some sort of physical side effects I take on all these personal fucking uh risks myself and I agree to go out there and play football the way it was meant to be played oh I gotta tell you right now the two biggest things ruining the game though I mean you do have to protect the players but the fucking Brady rule

I'm actually sitting there watching Brady and he's bugging me every time he gets somebody runs by him too fast he looks over at the ref it's just like you know I it's it's it's I'm gonna stop I'm who I'm not gonna stop watching I'm just gonna keep bitching because I have nothing better to do on a fucking Sunday there's the truth in the matter but this fuck dude back in the day defensive backs man they had attitude man they were up on their toes they were right up on the line they got in your face they could fucking intimidate you but like you can't even play defense it's like a chaperone on a fucking prom night I don't know but even if you could play defense I swear to god our fucking corners are terrible

fucking terrible I know I don't get the fucking game but you know what I can't stand I fucking hate zone defense I hate when you're covering a guy and then you just let him go you let him go and then that other and then he has like eight yards before another guy's gonna go pick him up and they sitting down in the zone sitting down in the zone he's not even fucking covered all right I got my fucking tampon out let's go let's fucking plow ahead here uh I'm gonna go up there with a fucking hacksaw one day and I'm gonna cut off the roof on both sides of those other fucking stadium and you know what Seattle Seahawks fans you're gonna find in an embarrassing way how loud you truly are okay when it immediately sounds like a peter paul and mary concert all right your granola bar

eating jackasses sitting there acting like your tough guys up there what do you do all your tough guys are out to see getting the fucking crab legs what do you guys do huh sit around and talk about the new world order you know you're such rabid fans you lost your basketball team go fuck yourselves um let's try neon green hooray oh Jesus hey do you guys hear there's a new strand of gonorrhea out there this is a nice segue airborne gonorrhea I really need an echo for that airborne born born gonorrhea real real real airborne fucking gonorrhea can you believe that shit just when you thought it was safe to take your dick out right here comes airborne gonorrhea and we have evidently san diego state university to thank for it all right so there's a mysterious case of this kid

right he's never gotten laid in his life he's kissed a couple of girls but that's it and somehow we ends up with fucking gonorrhea um so the doctors can't figure it out let's pick it up here one question about any physical contact a possible mixing of fluids the dude responded well I did sort of brush up against this pretty girl's arm but I don't think she noticed so the kid as far as they're explaining is basically a virgin said after explaining a situation to the doctors at ucsd student health clinic uh but by research began examining the peculiar case um this fucking egghead was the first guy to suspect the fucking thing a new strand of the disease sometimes well here's what he says sometimes when a bacterial disease is present

in extremely high quantities within a relatively small location read san diego state university campus they can mutate and in some cases become airborne as it turns out this was the case at san diego state university and this virgin just happened to be the first victim that's how filthy these fucking kids are down there jesus christ they must be going to class barefoot bunch of fucking animals down there um anyways some chick who accompanied the virgin to san diego state said yeah it really sucks that the dude who drove us got gonorrhea i mean he didn't even get any ass this is a woman saying this and still now look at him that really blows wow well there you go so there you go if anybody

has a daughter and you're thinking about where not to send her i would not send her to san diego state university why because of the the curriculum is that he said the curriculum the the safety issues on campus no what well what is the reason it's because of airborne board board gonorrhea rhea rhea rhea airborne gonorrhea that is just fucking insane san diego state gives you wings that keeps gonorrhea rings they like the fucking red bull of std's that is fucking just shame on you san diego state university what are you guys doing down there i can tell you what you're not doing good fucking lord get it you know what they're

going to invent a new condom you know that just you're going to put it on like a fucking bathing suit and it's just going to cover everything it'll be like a a a speedo condom you know but it's but it's very flexible so you're still able to have some sort of sex it's just oh you see this shit it's over this is nature man nature knows there's just too many of us and she's just i don't know what she's doing she needs to step up her game though because if you think fucking airborne gonorrhea is going to stop us i got it i got i got news for you lady i don't i don't think it is you know i realize i am 22 minutes in i always fucking do this and i forget to do the goddamn ads by the way congratulations to sandy uh seattle you know you know i'm fucking with you i'm just

fucking pissed that we lost all right before you send me all your fucking you know i did an episode inside the nfl this week and at the end of it i'm standing there with phil sims and chris collinsworth who are two of the funniest dudes ever such a great experience doing that show so they have me picking games so i'm standing there with a guy you know two guys who both played in super bowls and i'm just some moron from the stand so i'm not really going to sit here and give my picks i'm just going to act like an idiot so i predicted the patriots a win by 40 i said the texans wouldn't win because i didn't like their quarterbacks face i was going to pick tampa and then said i they got a pirate ship in this stadium you know they're not taking it seriously i just

did stuff like that the amount of people who took it seriously like you thought they were going to win by 40 epic fail it's like do you do you really think i thought they were going to win by 40 unreal um unreal um my little jim florentine my paul versey doing jim florentine you got to listen to paul versey's podcast by the way um the uh i think it's the versey effect i can't remember what the hell he calls it all i know is that robinson cano is o for 26 in his last 26 at bats he just he just set a new playoff record nobody in the history of the game has gone o for 26 you know what does versey say versey just ah you know he's just in a slump each i got to talk yankee so here in a second hold on here we go here we go let's let's do some uh let's do some reads

here man um all right what do i got here uh all right mortgage rates just hit an all-time historic low 3.125 percent apr annual percentage rate for those of you at home keeping score if you're looking for some extra cash for the holiday season or just want to take advantage of these rates lending tree can help you save hundreds a month can i tell you something if you want to buy a house 3.125 is a great thing to do if you're so broke you need to take out a second mortgage to buy christmas gifts i don't think that's a good idea extra cash for christmas why would you do that well it's probably the last week they advertise um don't do that okay you're gonna go buy a bunch christmas gifts and not have a roof over your head for god's sakes man let's think this through

anyways it's easy it's free and you can feel confident in the lender you choose go to lending tree dot com and complete one easy form that takes less than five minutes to do this is basically like you know when you're going to like uh maybe you're gonna go down to san diego and avoid san diego state university campus and you want to find a cheap hotel what is it like orbits this is like the orbits of of mortgages you just pump in you know what you're looking for all your information and they will scan all these different banks at your fingertips and you will get the lowest rate but please do not take out a second mortgage or they're not saying that they're just saying if you just want some cash for christmas you know i think at that point you got to go chop

down a tree and just make a wooden train for somebody and do the best you can that's what i would do um a couple of iou slips all right plowing head uh bill uh anyways you will be able to compare offers from up to four lenders and if you enter the code burr burr you will receive a free mortgage guide um and there you go 3.125 percentage rate that's that's unbelievable i have a nice percentage rate in my house all right i thought i had it good and all of a sudden look at these guys it's even lower and i know what you're thinking well why don't you refinance bill i'll tell you why because after all the rigamarole it's gonna cost me more money so i'm locked into my rate all right if you want to get locked into a better rate right now now's the time get yourself

you know what's great about house if you just pay that thing down you know when the apocalypse comes you own your thing you own your little hut is everybody else is getting thrown out by the bankers bar bar bar coming down the street like the penguin in the old batman movies um you know it's getting cool if you're gonna pay for 30 years to have the one of the low all-time historic low interest rate there you go all right bill we got it we got it um then of course the classic stamps.com do you like going to the post office really well what's wrong with you wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to go to the post office because you could do everything that you could do at the post office within your own home dwelling or tent city um that this is

the basic you can print legal stamps at any hour of the day all right you get a postage meter stamps.com has no hidden fees um oh unlike a postage meter stamps.com has no hidden fees like meter ink charges or reset fees no long term contracts no extra hardware to buy or lease stamps.com can save you up to 80 compared to a postage meter um plus stamps.com uh with stamps.com you can do more with the with the meter come on bill let's focus here use your existing address books sending track information to recipients with a click of the button the choice is clear stamps.com offers features at a fraction of the cost i use stamps.com whenever i send out any of my dvds and uh i absolutely love it i love it um use use my last name burr for for my

special offer no risk trial plus 110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to 55 dollars free postage you just try it you're up 55 bucks where in this economy can you do that don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stamps.com enter burr all right back to the podcast and once again create congratulations to the seattle seahawks i really don't hope that you don't win a super bowl all right before you get all fucking upset actually we are that loud back when we had when we had the uh the kingdom we're having people painted their hats man um we were shotgunning granola bars man the new world order um actually i love i love seattle it's a fucking beautiful city

you know what i mean and it's worth sitting there talking to those broads with the harry bushes um the fucking new york yankees i gotta tell you i was just in new york city new york new york and um i gotta tell you something joe girardi sitting a rod or pinch hitting him in the ninth inning when they're down sitting a 200 million dollar man might is arguably the ballsyest gutsyest move i've ever seen by not only a baseball manager i'm trying to think of a gutsy or call i know saints fans oh what about when we did the onside kick not even close not even close that's just some uh razzle dazzle you just yeah that's you file that under that shit this this was an unbelievable move it was such an unreal move for those of you didn't watch

and we're under a rock the guy uh raul abanyez who looks like i don't know what he looks like he looks like an older freddy kruger he's an old guy put that way i'm four years older than him so i look even worse guy hits a home run it was like a movie it's like robert redford the natural goes into extra innings they win it on a walk-off home run by who none other than raul abanyez again it was just was unreal and i absolutely hate the yankees in the next day i'm reading the new york post reading about this historic move and i'm smiling reading about a yankee win unbelievable i actually got into the baseball playoffs a little bit because uh i kept doing spots um all that whole week i was getting ready to do night of too many stars on comedy central which i

taped uh saturday night and will air i believe within the week raises money for autism and i kept making fun of that name night of too many stars there's too many stars and then i showed up and saw who was there and that was pretty impressive i'm not going to ruin it but uh i was definitely my head was on a swivel so i half of my childhood walked by um um anyways yeah so i would go out and i would run my set and um and then i would i would at the end of the night i'd go to this bar by myself i'd get a whiskey and i would just sit there and i would what would watch the end of the games and uh what did i watch i watched oh my god i watched the fucking i was going to say the senators the fucking uh nationals

i watched the nationals oh my god that fucking collect that debacle that was brutal that was like the old school red sox that was the way the red sox used to lose that was brutal so my condolences to national fans i sat there watching it not really giving a shit about the series but i was like oh they've never want to play i'm going to play up series in baseball since the 1930s i got to watch this because these fans are going to go crazy go crazy folks they're going to go nuts and just watching that just watching it go away what the hell were they were they down by four runs no what was it no they scored four runs it was seven to five they one strike away and next thing you know it's nine to seven cardinals

oh it was brutal it was brutal that was i saw two horrific things that and watching Derek G to break his ankle and have to get carried off the field that was just that was not something that i wanted to see had i known that that was going to happen i wouldn't have watched you know you don't want to see Derek G to carry it off the field it was it was brutal fucking brutal so anyways hats off to Joe Girardi man that was an awesome oh what a gutsy call to have to walk up to him and be like yeah listen i'm about ready to humiliate you in front of the country for the better of this team and uh if this doesn't work out you know with the way the new york media is they might actually question uh i'm not going to question whatever the fuck i do and he still had

the nerve to do it unreal unreal um anyways here we go hey bill i'm a huge fan and i just want to let you know that recently my mother has been battling cancer well she's in the hospital recovering from surgery my dad brother and i sat down and watched her special even though it might have been an hour of the day you made us laugh at a time when we all really needed to walk away why would this is like really nice we don't do nice things in the podcast i truly believe thank you very much thank you okay well i'm glad i was able to do that i'm glad my total ego trip look at me selfish thing that i do somehow add it to your life and i'm sorry to hear about your mom i hope she gets better all right see now now now we're in this place now we're in this place

this happened to me on that night of too many stars i'm not going to say what happened but i had to go on after something that really should have just ended the show because it was unreal it was unreal and i was literally standing there going i have to go on after this why why oh geez but the host took me up the host got him back got him back to a more sillier place um anyways the host john steward um solid guy stand up comedian saw the situation all right took the bullet for me brought me out nice solid guy all right facebook comments bill how does someone who can hardly read write a book you know how i can do that sir um i i i didn't write a book i wrote it with two of my friends we all held each other you know they brought me across the finish

line like kellen windslow in that game against the dolphins um that's actually not true me and bobby carried jota rozer across the finish line you know not because joe's not a piece of shit joe's is just such a commitment fobe he's never really in a relationship so he didn't have that many cheating stories um but anyways i want to thank everybody who's going out and buying the book the book has been doing phenomenally but phenomenon but on um whatever the hell he is the book charts so if you haven't got your your copy of cheat a man's guide to infidelity absolutely hilarious over the top look at uh men's behavior and the dumb things that we do um we got a bunch of our knucklehead friends telling stories about cheating on women and getting caught and then the three of

us me joe and bobby basically break down their cheat stories like nfl game film and try to say where they went wrong where they went right and in the back of the book the true reason we wrote the book was to hype our short film that we got into the tryback of film festival called cheat um you get a link to the movie and you can check it out and it's awesome so thank you for everybody and also my special you people are all the same as is still available for download at bill burr dot com and if you're having problems downloading it you have totally my empathy because i would screw it up too because i am also not good at the computer the art of computers just make sure when you just in this if you have a problem all you need to do is in capital letters in the subject

line this will help me find your email quickly and get you the special as quickly as possible just write stand up special and then in the body of your email just have your paypal receipt copied and we'll get it right out to you okay because if you just say hey i bought it i couldn't download it i have to do the exit thing of going okay send me the receipt we'll get it to you it's an extra step all right we're trying to expedite the process of you getting the special all right speaking of special led zeppelin special mr burr tell me you're excited about the new led zeppelin film about the 2007 benefit concert um jim florenti talked about it as most recent podcast and mentioned how bonzo's son stole the show yeah jason i actually talked to florentine will text

about it he said was the best concert film he's ever seen um and i also heard that the members of the band were were were ridiculously excited after they saw it um so he goes so i thought that this might be the best dilemma question for you if you could see only one last concert would you choose acdc in argentina or led zeppelin with bonzo's son oh i that's that's actually an easy one i would have to say led zeppelin with bonzo's son just for the simple fact that i've seen acdc a bunch of times and i've never seen led zeppelin and um as much as i would love to see acdc in argentina yeah i would i would go see zeppelin you know what i i mean because i already i saw some clips of it well i liked about how jason played was you could just tell that he wasn't intimidated

by the moment you know that poor guy he basically he had to follow the greatest drummer of all time his dad it'd be like if you were jordan's son and you play in hoop even if you dunk on somebody someone's go yeah but your dad your dad would have jumped higher he's had to deal with that his entire life and i just felt the way he was playing he didn't give a shit what anybody was gonna say and he did this great blend of um stuff that his dad played on the classic recordings and stuff that i've heard on the zeppelin bootlegs he kind of blended those perfectly while also just being in the moment himself i felt like and throwing in some shit that his interpretations and it was it was perfect he did the perfect balance of of staying true to the original and then adding his own

flavor to it without getting in the way it was an absolute masterpiece so um there you go look at that after coming out hard coming out hard and trash and pink shirts and everybody in seattle look at i'm coming around here given uh given fucking props to the yankees and shit jesus christ almighty um anyways bill bill uh beer all beer um fear of std's and downgrading um what's going on bill love the podcast and all the advice you have got you know fuck this i'm not going to read this right now let's talk about how the i have to get on a fucking airplane today to fly to australia all right which is definitely exciting exciting and new get on board what are you going to do you're fucking trapped here for fucking 14 goddamn hours you have two options

sit there and take it or do permanent damage to your liver by taking some sleep aids yeah i don't know what i'm gonna do i'm not into those fucking ambience and all those types of things because uh i do enough damage to my liver with fucking whiskey and all that type of shit i don't need i don't need to be adding to it you know what i mean you know like when the ref gets knocked down in a wrestling match and then and the hero guy with the blonde blonde fucking mullet is over in the bad guy's corner and the guy who's not supposed to be in has got his foot on his fucking throws the other guy kicks him in the head allegedly yeah i don't want to be doing that to my fucking liver so i actually tweeted this out these these are basically my options for

14 hour flight 14 fucking hours 14 fucking out what are we what are we going by ship here huh what what are we doing here um all right first option i watch all three godfathers plus good fellas and then i try and sleep for six hours that'll be 14 hours or i uh take a fistful of ambience and i watch raising arizona and then i'm there but i've done this flight before and i did it out of new york city and i flew with this lady and she took some of those drugs and i kept looking over jealous as she just slept hour after hour after hour and i was sitting there fucking playing tetris for like fucking eight hours but at the end of the flight when when she went to get off i swear to god it's she looked like

she got the shit kicked out of her but for some reason her face head didn't have the bruises but it was all puffy she looked horrible and uh i don't want to do that shit so i think i'm going to go with the fucking yeah but my my laptop's gonna run out of battery life let me tell you guys how i don't like that movie casino it's just too fucking violent it's just too fucking violent i love all the other stuff in it but that's shit with a good guy's eye gets popped out or where they make an peshy watch them beat his brother to death with the bat and they're like burying him while he's still fucking half conscious it's just it just it's just too much just fucking rub me the wrong way those fake deaths i couldn't handle um fuck so what am i gonna do i'm taking the lovely neah

with me of course of course she wants to go she never goes when i need her like when i'm going to fucking you know some god forsaken place you know if i'm going someplace fun oh she's right there on my hip you know ladies do that oh i want to go that sounds like fun oh yeah how come Jacksonville doesn't sound like fun what about Cincinnati you don't think you can have some fun there that's the great thing about this trip is i had fun in all those places i had an unbelievably great time in Jacksonville shooting guns eating gator going to the game and then i went up to fucking Cincinnati and i ate their fucking ribs i took a river boat over to the game i had a great i had a great time i really did um oh and speaking of a great time and this is totally just free advertisement there's

a new stand-up comedy club in New York City there's a new girl in town and she's feeling good um Jesus Christ what was that that was that was Alice i didn't know i knew that there's a new girl in town and she's feeling good got a divorce and a big tooth kid and we're going to Arizona uh because i'm gonna tan up my milf titties i forget how it goes anyways that dude was a cute kid and then once he fucking he once he grew up wow he went through his fucking awkward years all of a sudden he had giant fucking teeth and uh he didn't look so good Tommy Tommy was his name um the fuck am i talking about why did i just start singing oh a new stand-up club the guys who run the club right now are fucking sitting on the

edge of their seats going is this fucking adt add douchebag actually gonna get to it yes i am um there's a new new new comedy club it's called the stand it's on third avenue between 19th and 20th street and um has unbelievable food and there's a great comedy room downstairs and i hung out there all fucking weekend all week building up for the night of too many stars and uh i had an awesome time and that's definitely going to be a regular stop for me when i come back to new york and you should it's just fucking great it's a great place to take abroad they got good food great comedy downstairs and um yeah it's kind of the same setup as the the comedy cellar you know restaurant upstairs comedy room downstairs

you know they're like a smaller version of that so either or there you go the comedy cellar the classic the film or of stand-up comedy clubs in new york city and now there's another new one the stand you know i actually went around and i did all the old ones man i had a great time going back there i did uh did a spot at danger fields did a couple spots at the comic strip i went over to stand up new york um went down to this cellar it was great that was a fucking great time and then i really actually missed being able to do like four spots in a night working on stuff um that was a great time of my life way back in the day late 90s early 2000s when i was when i was living with fucking bobby kelly and we would go out and do like eight shows on a friday eight shows on saturday

the fucking end of the night sitting there y'all sweaty with fucking 50 bucks 50 bucks a spot whether there'd be 400 bucks i've told these stories and i always had to take cabs because i played downtown and uptown and bobby played he played the boston the wahn the cellar and some nights he'd do three at each and he'd have nine and he'd have to take one fucking cab and he had all his money and i'd be jealous anyways fear of std's and downgrading what's going on bill i love the podcast and all the advice you've given no matter how inane so i thought i'd ask for some advice for myself for the last year and a half i've been tormented by my ex-girlfriend she dumped me and did the whole i want you back thing on and off for a year and a half oh my god dude which is longer than

we were together in parentheses only a year i don't want to be with i don't want to be with her because i now know how much of a cunt she is but the problem is that i've been lured into this shit for that period of time you've learned to watch it back into the relationship anyways he says even though during that time we were not together i didn't sleep with or do anything with any other girl to make me look like the bigger person in the situation she had a boyfriend during this time because again she's a cunt um well dude you're a sap all right you if you're just gonna say she's a cunt here like you're you're turning the keys over to the relay of the whole fucking relationship to her that the reason why this isn't working

is because she's a cunt she she is a cunt and you're allowing her cunt mist to fucking come into your atmosphere sorry and what i ran out of shit there um yeah she's like airborne gonorrhea get away from her all right get away from her anyways he goes so i i haven't had sex in over a year and a half which is slowly killing me on the inside dude what the fuck is wrong with you don't you have any friends have you told your guy friends that ah come on man you're better than this and he says and the prospects aren't looking too good not many attractive ladies at my school and the ones who are attractive i'd probably rather date since i'm more of a relationship guy um i've never had a one night stand before and would not know

how to handle the situation i'm just approaching a girl and getting her to have sex with me within a couple of hours it's not like i don't want to have random sex but i am worry of std's and didn't want to don't want to just bang some ugly not too attractive broad since my ex was extremely attractive i do not want to downgrade in any sense well you don't you don't have to bang some pig dude you just need to go out this is what you need to do you need to go out first thing you need to do is go down to the thrift shop get yourself a fucking smoking jacket and some slippers all right and just start fucking walking around and and just feeling that vibe you have to stop giving a fuck all right get yourself a bunch of condoms you know that's a

great thing to do get yourself a bunch of condoms like you're preparing for something wonderful to happen and then just get out there in the game don't give don't go out there going like i have to convince this girl to have sex with me tonight you know that's you're gonna come off desperate just go out there and just fucking have a good time i'm telling you right now it's like doing stand half of doing stand up is if you're up there having the fucking time of your life the crowd's going to go along with you they like it they see you having fun it's contagious they want to be around you you just go out have a good time at a fucking party crack some jokes say what's up be friendly don't freak them out and eventually say what's your deal what's going on with you

and they did a little touch on your arm right there you're at least rounded second you know that's it baby steps hit a double first before you worry about fucking hitting the cycle that would be my advice to you even though i haven't read the rest so i don't even know what your fucking question is so let's let's plow ahead although now i've also brought up airborne born got a real real real get a gas mask and some condoms and i think you ought to be good that's going to be sex here in the next couple years the electric does that feel good ah yeah yeah yeah suck my dick hey hey yeah suck my dick my dick yes Jesus Christ fucking idiot

i don't know i wasn't talking to you i wasn't okay you got a fucking wave now you got a fucking wave great great the fuck you you're fucking a hell take your airborne gunnery with you bitch that's going to be sex in a couple of uh couple of years is that going to be a campaign issue in the next few years it's going to be tougher on health care i'm going to get schools back and we're going to tackle the problem head on of airborne gunnery um let's let's get to this fucking question here um i'm also on a college budget and definitely do not want to spend extra money i have on taking some girl out to dinner or some shit well then go fuck yourself dude have fun jerking off you know well there's your opening line yeah listen i want

to fuck you tonight but like i don't want to waste any money so wow what do you say i'll take it out myself you know you know don't worry unless you want to you know burn some calories take it out more dick um so i am wondering if i should stop spending so much time thinking about getting laid and just focusing on my focus on myself until i graduate and let whatever happens happens yeah that's great should i just take my hand off the wheel and see where the car goes or should i just say fuck it and try to fuck the next girl who gives me attention no don't do that all right you're a relationship guy you don't want to go down that fucking road okay but also you know even though you are a relationship guy if the next one you meet is

the one and you get married you're gonna be it's gonna bug you that you didn't go out and bang at least fucking 20 30 girls so i would you know quality sir quality okay make a list check it twice so you don't fuck some whore who's got the pussy lice all right tattoos all right i know they're all the fucking rage but you know that says something about you if you get a tattoo i don't give a fuck all right you're definitely on the other side of the skank fence all right um the way a girl dresses you want a girl who dresses classy all right not like a fucking whore she dresses like a whore okay a sports car looks like a sports car and has been driven like one okay you go look at a girl who's dressed

like a fucking whore she has been she's been ridden like one you understand all the fucking time all right look you know those classy girls can be a lot of fun too they really can they actually can have a conversation with him your relationship guy you know you just walk in hey what's going on with you i'm getting out of a relationship you know i just stated you know there's absolute psycho she's completely fucked with my head i'm not even trying to be in a relationship you know just hit her with that shit because i'm actually a relationship guy oh he's sensitive maybe we'll get a puppy someday and you'll fucking be in there and then you know i don't know what i don't know what you do these days you put on some skrillex or dead mouse and you're fucking

and then you're fucking coming her face um am i dating a whore hey bill greetings from spain hola mi amigo when are you coming here i'm gonna come there and watch people get run over by bulls at some point and i've realized that the place to be at is you want to be in the arena where there's nowhere left to run you know um anyway i'm 22 and need some advice about a girl i'm dating she was in class with me in high school dude are you bilingual and you write this what is this fucking amazing my whole spanish fell off again because i can't find the disc to put it on this fucking laptop it's only on my old one the worst um two months or so ago we met again for my best friend's birthday wait let's start over again i already forgot what happened she was in

class with me in high school we were good friends at the time two months ago we met again for my best friend's birthday party she fit my group of friends pretty well and after a couple days we started flirting with each other finally one night we hooked up and now we're dating great what could go wrong two years ago she quit her career in college and i picked another one that she liked two years ago she quit her career in college and i picked another one that she liked i don't know what that means she had to move to madrid to attend school uh yesterday we were having a small small pillow talk and i asked her how many guys she'd bang she started counting and my asshole shrunk a little turns out when she was in madrid she fucked six guys in six months

and then started a relationship with another one that went for a year and a half uh they broke up a month ago and now she's with me so if my math doesn't fail counting her first boyfriend the sixth dude that she's fucked in this last guy i'm dick number nine i slept with six women in my entire life and somehow i feel like i'm dating a whore dude she's still in signal digits you know that ain't nine dicks you're number nine eight trying to think of the schoolhouse fucking rock song for eight was there one three's a magic number number nine will put you on the spot number nine will tie you up oh in a knot um i'm i've slept with six women so i'm i've slept with

six women my entire life and somehow i feel like i'm dating a whore i can't help but have this horrendous thought in my head i'm not a jealous guy at all but i caught myself a couple times on her facebook page guessing who these dudes are dude don't do that to yourself look you're competitive all right you know you have six td passes she has nine she's going she's starting the pro bowl she's sweet she's nice she's into me but i think it will be different for me to trust this girl which had never happened to me before i'm feeling miserable any advice will be appreciated yeah dude it's not her fault you only bank six broads all right it'd be one thing if she had um a history of cheating on guys she was in a relationship with um

look put it this way a woman if she's even just halfway decent looking can go out to a bar and get dick every fucking night all right now if you could do that if you could turn the fucking table if you could go out and get laid like that with women how many women women would you have banged in fucking six months 180 is what i'm gonna say six months 30 days of fucking month roughly yeah you'd probably would bang you'd probably bang 80 before you started thinking what am i doing this is empty you know she banged six um she that was probably her fucking little little uh she got it out of her system you know she's not fucking around on you she's not a horse just making you uh i didn't consider it what's the word insecure you're all right dude nine in this day

and age with airborne gonorrhea i mean that's pretty that's a pretty fucking low number and she did it all in spain way away from san diego state university home of airborne gonorrhea rhea rhea rhea i think they're gonna put that in there's their fucking brochure you know every every college has to be number one in something oh my god who's their big rival in football that you guys got to make the airborne gonorrhea fucking t-shirts show up with gas masks on for those dirty filthy fucking students the fact that the fucking chick from the goddamn school is sitting there going in the sad thing he didn't even get any ass right there that a fucking lady would talk like that lets you know why there's airborne gonorrhea oh you fucking skank um all

right e voice everybody if you need help looking for more for more uh looking more professional or being more efficient you should check out e voice i personally have received some really great feedback from listeners on twitter um that show you guys are really liking uh e voice and why wouldn't you by going to e voice by going to www.evoice.com slash bill burr you can get a free six month trial of e voice it helps me as i can now give out multiple numbers that will all come through one cell phone why do they keep making it me seem like i i'm not using these products i would use it though i do endorse it if i was trying to start a business i would all right but i'm not gonna sit here and lie to the listeners the listeners um you can have

virtual answering service with multiple accents that make you sound bigger than you are transcribe your voicemails to text or email basically e voice makes your life easier it makes a small business owner look much bigger my favorite thing is the professional voiceover actors actors and actresses that will give you any accent you want and sound all good looking and stuff and make people want to go to your business go to www.e voice.com slash bill burr and you can get you can get a free six month trial of e voice um and once again lending tree if you want to take advantage of the extremely low rates 3.125 percent you can act now um you can save hundreds and it will take adjustments by going to um to try lending tree dot com these rates aren't going to stay like this

forever go to try lending tree dot com complete one simple form and the network of over 200 lenders will send you four customized loan offers you can't do any better than that and the last two let me just get these out of the way amazon dot com holiday shopping starting uh if you'd like to donate to this podcast and the wounded warriors project just go to bill burr dot com click on the podcast page click on the amazon banner anything you buy after that on amazon they'll give me a piece i kicked uh a piece of the piece over to uh the wounded warriors project and there you go and that's it um okay bill what am i doing i'm originally from massachusetts i recently got out of the army infantry and i'm now living in hawaii there you go huh

that's that's a good deal he goes it's not as good as it sounds okay all right well there goes all that happiness i stayed here because i fell in love with a smoking hot local girl she's 29 with three kids all from the same guy but he's a fucking piece of shit in and out of jail for being a a methhead like most hawaiians anyway sometimes i feel trapped here playing daddy i'm 25 years old been all over the world done my time in the military now i'm going to school to be a firefighter at a fucking college where only six percent of the people are white and they fucking hate white people oh the white people hate white people all right but it's kind of good deal because her grandfather is a retired federal fire chief so in a year i can be in the firehouse

now i don't know what to do she and the kids aren't too bad honestly it's all fucking amazing but i still feel trapped in this fucking twilight zone fucking life where i've got three kids and a wife air quote another option is um back in mass drinking beers and trying to avoid getting any felony convictions i don't fucking know man sometimes i just feel like i'm letting the best years of my life get away from me then i think maybe these are the best years of my life and i start crying into my fucking beer you got any advice i need a new point of view on this whole thing thanks man Jesus dude this is a fucking dilemma you know you gave me just enough information to still be all right are you gonna marry this girl do you love her like that when you're 35 she's

39 you're 65 she's 69 you know is she gonna have any more kids with you how many kids do you want how many more kids does she want you know they got fires in massachusetts too you know so you can always be a firefighter wherever the fuck you go um are you ready for all of this this is what you got to ask yourself you know it sounds like you're pretty happy you're living in a paradise you know with those volcanoes there you're always going to have work there's always going to be some fires right you know when the dollar collapses well there's still a zillion people there you can still have some shit going on um yeah dude this is up to you i hate to say that i mean when i was 25 years

old i was not ready to be living in hawaii with a woman four years older than me with three fucking kids i was not ready to do that um so i understand what if you're feeling shit like that i definitely get that but i also hadn't traveled the fucking world fought a war and done all all the stuff that you've done you've lived way more life than i have at 25 so um yeah you just got to ask yourself those questions what the fuck do you want to do you know smoking hot local girls 29 she's got three kids uh you know the fucking beach why don't you make friends with woody harrelson and get some fucking weed i'm sorry dude i don't know what to tell you this is one you know what you're gonna have to be on your own in this one this is too big a fucking decision too big a decision

i would just say do i love this girl is is she the one or am i just here because she's fucking smoking hot and you know doesn't have any tan lines that's what i would ask myself all right that's the podcast for this week um tonight i am flying to sydney australia 14 fucking hours hopefully there'll be no airborne gonorrhea on the fucking plane um uh fuck me this is gonna suck but once i land it's gonna be awesome and um i'm gonna fucking uh i'm gonna have great shows out there i'm really excited i got three nights of shows as far as i know i think they're all sold out and uh so thank you for all the podcast listeners out there and sydney for stepping it up and uh oh and also another thing about rugby i've got some guy sent me a story some guy lost his ball

in the first half of the rugby game and he played the rest of the fucking way so whatever all right i would put the way the nfl used to be up against rugby now um my buddy joe Bartnick who's who's got a new cd coming out is going to be on hyping his cd here in a couple of weeks when he releases it said the funniest thing to me he said if you want to watch how nfl football used to be watch sec football so there you go so if you're an old fucking nfl head like me and you're a little disappointed with the escort that the fucking cornerbacks do now is they run down the field and how you can't block a fucking quarterback after you just threw a fucking interception and he's basically trying to make a play uh sec football pick a team alabama lsu georgia

florida south carolina vanderbilt tanner c arkansas missyp missyp stipe who the fuck did i forget kentucky and somebody fucking else auburn war eagle they're all fucking great great to watch that's it that's a podcast for this week go fuck yourselves i'm bringing my mixer all the way over to sydney australia uh we're gonna have a great time out there and uh we'll give you some photos and all that type of shit all right that's it go fuck yourselves please watch night of too many stars this week on um on comedy central and thanks to everybody at inside the nfl i had i was a dream come true to be able to do that show and um for all fans of that show um i i can't tell you how how hilarious everybody was it was such a good time just the ball breaking that those

guys do it's just like you're in a locker room you know that's all they do is give each other shit and when we would be in between segments you know they were like just egging me on give us more shit give us more shit they were just just totally just couldn't have been nicer uh which ended up being great for me because i i really didn't even feel worthy to be on the show so thank you to those guys um and that's it that's the podcast all right go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week can't you get it just to feel your fast balloon head listen to you you