Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-5-20

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

Bill rambles about vote counting, hearsay, and shitty news.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com What an absolute shit show. Donald Trump just churning out the comedy like you just can't believe.

Stop counting the votes, keep counting the votes. They should close the polls, P-O-L-E-S. He might be an idiot, but he's our idiot. And then on the other side is the anybody but Trump people. This guy is showing signs of... Well, fucking Trump is unbelievable. He is so fucking ridiculous. I'm really sticking to what I said a couple of months back.

I don't think the Democrat, I think this country is so fucked right now. We all know our money's a Ponzi scheme, okay? We're having a great time, we're all believing in it and all that shit. But we're in the middle of a pandemic, they keep pumping more money. I just think it's teetering. Because what I've maintained this entire election was all the Democrats needed was a 45 year old guy with a full head of hair. And they had it, who could complete a fucking sentence. Instead they find a guy even older than fucking Trump.

And now we've got a photo finish here. Everybody knows if you want to beat the old guy, you're wheeling something fucking pretty to look at. The Democrats wouldn't do it. He's got a face lift. I think he only looks like he's 79. I would never guess he's pushing 90. Whatever the fuck, I don't know anything about politics. I'm going to stay out of it, but I will say this.

This is my prediction, being a fan of sports, a sports fan. I say that whoever they declare victory, and then they'll be like this big, you know, something that's, I don't know, next few days they're going to say so and so what, right? Whoever loses is going to fight it. I think Biden will fight it the way they're going to fight it. Trump's going to sue. That's what he does. He's that fucking guy who was near an accident and all of a sudden he pulls out a neck brace. You know, one of those guys.

My prediction is that whoever they declare won it. Initially, they're going to stick with that. They'll be out. After further review, the play stands, you know, touchdown for so and so, right? And people are going to boo in all that shit because I believe. I believe I can fly. No, I believe that. That if they actually were to investigate.

The entire election right now, the amount of shit that they would be digging up on both sides, it would be so fucking ugly. Get exposed that they just, it's just like, let's let's just let sleeping dogs lie. This isn't going to be good for anybody. And then my favorite thing is all the urban myths that are coming out. They found a dumpster full of votes. Is that somebody at the post office who just doesn't want to do their job? Cause like, how do you know who voted for who on the inside? And then people are going, well, well Biden said vote absentee and Trump said, don't vote absentee.

So that's just like, oh my God. Unbelievable. You know, I can't believe the something that's so fucking dishonest and corrupt could be this dishonest and corrupt. I mean, that's basically what the only thing you can, you'll have to say. So what is the thing if they say Biden went one, right? And Trump becomes a lame duck who's now going to sue. There are going to be movies made about what the fuck that guy does. If he thinks that he's out after just four years,

which I think in politics that's, that's a smudge against your name was only a one-term president, which I don't understand why because the last two one-term presidents I liked, I liked Jimmy Carter and I liked the first push. I don't know. I guess it's a big fucking, it's a shit show. I heard, you know what I heard? There was a guy and he just he fucking blah, blah, blah. I remember way back on 9 11, all of that shit happened.

You know, I was in New York City on 9 11, right? And I remember there was a rumor going around town that either a firefighter or a person in the building rode the building down and survived. And I actually started to repeat it until I really just thought of the physics of that, that you could somehow go from the 80th floor down to the first floor in all of seven seconds, how the human body could survive. And then I just started going like, that didn't happen. It's like, don't you think they would be interviewing that person? They would interview that person for the rest of time.

I heard there's a dumpster full of fucking paper eating geese. They just sent it to the fuck out. Shut up. Is that what you heard? My favorite one, though, did you see, did you see that that fucking guy, the fat guy there? He said it said something like barbecue, booze and freedom. And there was some sort of press conference and he comes up. It's the funniest shit ever because, you know, he thinks he's going to be stopped and nobody stops him.

So he's just like, stop the Biden crime family from stealing the election. Stop the Biden fight crime family for stealing the election. The media is covering it up. Stop the Biden family. He just kept saying it. And, you know, this guy came over to make sure he didn't do anything to the person who was supposed to be speaking into the microphone, but nobody stopped him and then he didn't know what to do. And you know what it reminded me of?

Do you know, you know, like when you go to, I was joking about my buddies about this. Do you, you know, when you go to a concert and at the end of the concert, you know that feeling when you don't know if it's over or not? Like, are they coming back out for an encore? The light's going to, a lot of people are leaving. Is this stupid if you're still standing here? It was sort of that. It was sort of that.

But the guy is like, the fucking passion the guy has in his shirt. I just love that his, his tank top shirt is, it's like, I just love that he's not wearing it ironically. You know, he believes in all of that shit and you can't, you can't get fucking mad at that. There's a Zen simplicity to that, right? Whereas out here in fucking douchey LA, somebody would be wearing that, you know, to make fun of a guy like that, right? Without putting himself out there. That's what, that's what bugs me about those, those people that wear shit ironically. Oh, I don't mean any of this.

Well, what do you mean? Nothing. I hide behind these things. I know you guys are sick of these fucking stories, but I fucked up my shoulder again. I went too fast. And this time it's the God, I'm just done. I'm done. I'm going to go find one of these fucking quack doctors out here that, you know, they send your blood to Germany and then they spin it.

You know what I mean? Is they play like a Hitler speech or something like that. And then you come fucking back and, you know, they put the blood back in you and all of a sudden you got like fucking shoulders like Lee Mages. You're the biotic man. I'm just doing that. I don't have, I don't have the fucking knowledge to rehab these things. And God knows when you go on the fucking Internet, you can't find anything, which is why it's so fucking stupid that people go on the Internet to find information. Everything on the Internet is presented as fact.

That's why everybody believes the bullshit that they're fucking reading. You know, you listen to this stuff, right? There's no facts in what I'm saying. Other than I'm just trying to do something. All right. If Donald Trump loses and becomes a lame duck, I say he overturns Roe v. Wade. I don't know how he'll do it, but he'll figure out a way.

He overturns that. He'll increase the taxes in every fucking state that went blue. He'll refuse to leave. I think, remember when Dave Portnoy and Barstool went fucking limp at the Super Bowl? I think that that's what fucking Trump's going to do. They're going to have to carry him out. And he's just be going, they stole the house. This is sad.

I think it's going to be that while Joe Biden will stand there with the smirk on his face, you know, hopefully realizing what is happening. Oh my God. I don't know what to believe because I got a buddy of mine who really knows politics and he goes, he goes, Bill, it's not that they're getting rid of Trump. He goes, trying to get rid of Trump. It's that they think they're going to get something better, that these are better people. And he started like running down the list of Biden and what's her face?

What's her name? Kamala. How the fuck do I know her name? It's unbelievable. Like how big the presidency is. Someone who doesn't pay attention. I actually know, well, I know Mike Pence, but he's sort of being there. He's sort of a series regular reoccurring character.

Isn't it? All right. Hang on a second. Joe Biden. Kamala Harris. There we go. So my buddy's going like, dude, Joe Biden was the guy who was behind that thing of a black guy, like got caught with half a joint.

He went to jail for the rest of his life. And Kamala refused to let prisoners out to the point she had to get sued because she didn't want to lose the labor. I'm like, that's true. And he's telling me, yeah, it's fucking who these people are. It's like, Jesus Christ. I think we got it. We need a youth movement in this country. I really believe that it's always like old people running for presidents because they're protecting old money.

And if you've been a diabolical son of a bitch, the older you are, the longer you've done it. If you haven't gone to jail, if you're on the legal side of stealing the white side, you can really accrue this amazing fortune. But, you know, you need to try and protect it. So I think that they just get these old guys in there, you know, and then they just play like songs from their generation when they sell them on it, like way back in the day, you know, they probably just, you know, when they talk to Nixon and fucking Lyndon Johnson, they would probably play, you know, they play a little fucking Benny Goodman in the background and they would just sell them on it.

If you do this and do that and do this and then someday, you know, you'll get a fucking mansion on Martha's Vineyard at the end of this, which is what every politician, I believe, in the Democrat and the Republican party are going for. You know, the people who you vote for, who you're allegedly wasting your vote, I really believe that those people, you know, I'd like to think, I think, no, I think right now they care about American people. If the Libertarian party was to get as big as the Democrat and the Republican party, they would eventually, they would eventually sell out too. That's kind of what I find with, in my business, so I'm just going to apply that. If a company's new, the suits will just be like, hey, man, like, you're the creative person, like, we don't know anything. You just create, just make some content, just like, we just want to see your artistry bloom, right?

And then they get a little bigger and then they're kind of like, well, you know, I don't know about that. Here's our input. Could you do a little more like this? And then the final wave is, fuck you, we own everything, you do what we say or you'll never work in this town again. That is the trajectory of everything, agency or whatever in this town. We're just a little boutique agency and we're just going to send you out on this independent stuff and kick it in the... Look, if you don't want to do a superhero movie and watch me take a shower, get the fuck out of our agency, you know, it's an old tale. You know, it's like me. When I first started doing this podcast, way back in 2007, I had my hat in hand, I was just happy that you were listening. You know, now what I do, I sit here and I sip throat coat tea and I try to tell you about fucking politics.

I mean, I don't know who the fuck I think I am, but somewhere along the... I don't know, I kind of went off the rails here. So anyway, I got my... I had an acting gig yesterday. It was kind of a nice thing to do the day after the election, just not be there. And everybody was just like... the amount of people that told me is like, dude, I couldn't even watch it. I don't want to know either way. I had a joke in 2016, I was saying Hillary versus Trump is like fucking 2 a.m. at the bar. You got to find someone to go home with. This is another one of those. Back to back. Where the fuck? Where's the young cool guy? There was always the young cool guy. The JFK guy would come along. The Gary Hart, you know, fucking Bill Clinton and Al Gore would show up with their fucking...

their jean jackets on to show how young and hip they are, right? You know, they were in their fucking mid 40s. Then they play some Fleetwood Mac down. Stop thinking about tomorrow. And you're like, oh my God, that was a song they played at my prom. And then you just voted for him. And then the old guy got kicked out. They've been doing that forever. Democrats, I guess, have been doing that. Republicans always seem to wheel out a really fucking old guy. Right? Oh no, George W. Bush wasn't old. They fought youth with youth with that, right? Then what was the next one? Then it was Obama versus George W. Bush. Oh, that was, you know, it's something I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

But that's what I would have done. I would have just brought out the fucking young guy, you know, that the chicks are all just like, I don't know. I just believe them. That's all you needed. The Mike Pence kind of fucking level of hair, except you die it. And then a few people will be like, can't trust nobody dies a hair. There's always a reason, right? There's always a reason. So anyway, actually had a really good time yesterday. I always have a little bit of anxiety before I go into a fucking acting set. I always do. I always think like, oh God, I'm going to fuck this up. This is going to take all day. I'm going to make them be behind. And then they're going to be like, well, he's doing good enough job, fucking get him through it or whatever.

And then I always go in and I always end up having a great time. And that's what ended up happening yesterday. And I don't know. I just want a nice little run here. I don't do a lot of acting work, but when I do it, I have a good time. So I want to thank everybody that let me work yesterday during a pandemic. And I only have one big job left this year and I'm done. I got to write an episode of efforts for family. That's what I'm doing over the next couple of weeks, which is always fun. We almost have the fifth season all written, if you can believe it.

The fifth and final season really sad about that. But you know what? It's going to open up a new door. I'll walk through that door and look at the wonderment of what's in there and then wonder where my money went. That's why I love stand up. That's why I love thank God for stand up and podcasting, you know, everything else. I just look at it like, yeah, they're going to take this away. This is going to go away. This is all just a mirage. All right, let me do a little bit of some reads here.

You know what fucking sucks, man? I had, I taped like four football games. You know, that's my move. I don't know if you guys are new to the podcast. Some of you out there, that's my move on Sunday. I tape four extra games. I watch two or three games and I tape four other ones. All right, so then I have a game to watch on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. So every fucking day of the week I can watch an NFL football game. I also watch seven football games a week.

I'm having the time of my fucking life during this pandemic. Because usually half the season I'd be gone. Every other weekend I go out and work, do my little jokes. Dada, dada, dada, what's up with that? Look at my dick talking about shit. Go fuck yourself, all women. I'm not misogynistic, right? That's my act. So that's what I would usually do.

And I don't have to do that now. So now I'm getting my full fucking money. My full fucking money's worth on with all the sports packages. Watched all the NHL, a little bit of the NBA. You know what's going to be funny when they make the last dance for NBA players of today? Because you know they all want one, you know? Enough of them. Enough of them have big enough egos where they were watching the last dance

and were like, yo, this is like me, except it's Michael Jordan. And the funniest thing about theirs is that epic moment in it where they go, where like I couldn't, I couldn't get past the pistons. And then they got to dig down deeper and lift weights and figure out how to fucking get tougher mentally and physically. Be a better teammate. Be just as good defensively as you are offensively all that. Nah, is that what you did?

So the next season I joined the Detroit Pistons and then I was a champion and then the whole thing's going to fucking end. What? What? What? All right, Bill, we get it. We get it. You miss. I do. I miss people staying on their fucking teams until they win a championship. That's what I miss.

These teams that suck at all of a sudden getting a great player and all of a sudden they turn it around and then they go on a run, right? Like the Bulls, the Bulls suck forever and then Michael Jordan came there and then they were the fucking team. Now, why would you do that when everyone can just keep joining the same fucking three teams? All right, let's do a little podcast. Oh, I didn't tell you what happened. So I watched the Patriots get their asses quick.

No, it was a great game. Buffalo game was actually a great game. So I hit the erase button and my DVA had all the football games I taped in the same like grouping. So I thought I was just a race in that game. I raced four other football games and my hat sunk because I taped that Bengals versus Titans. I wanted to watch Joe Burrow go up against Mike Vrabel's Titans and all of that stuff. See how they stopped the fuck's his name. Henry there running back or whatever at least kept him contained.

Derek Henry. I lost all of those fucking games. I lost my favorite fucking team to watch the Chages. I love watching them always exciting games even though they seem to blow it in the end. Fucking bummed out. But you know what they got football tonight. Who's on tonight wearing their rush uniform Thursday. Look at that right there.

Thursday night football. Bring it to me. What do we got? Come on. Something good. Thursday night football. Not the fucking banged up 49ers. Oh my God.

At least the 49ers aren't playing the Cowboys. They both have like third string quarterbacks, right? Second to okay. Yeah, Packers versus 49ers. All right. I guess you got to go. You got to go Packers there. In the 49 I think was it BOSA?

BOSA still on the concussion protocol. Anyway, all right. Okay, we got some breeds here. Look who it is everybody. It's for HMS. HMS, H-I-M-S. Hotel, India, Mike, Sierra. Men have tried all kinds of odd unusual solutions to treat ED.

A rectile dysfunction. Example, snake oil pills, herbs, or herbs as they say overseas. Hypnotism. Your dick is rising. Your dick is rising. The rest of yours getting sleepy. But HMS, dude, what the fuck are you hypnotized to make your dick stand up? I hope you trust that hypnotic person.

I'm a hypnotist. That's what it is. All right. But HMS offers solutions grounded in real medical science. For HMS.com is all about men's wellness. You need help with a rectile dysfunction, hair loss, or have a cold. Oh my God. Can you imagine if you fucking cure all those in one day?

Come out with a lion's mane of hair. Breathing like you never breathed before. Dick standing up from the halls. Interested in mental health or COVID-19 home tests. HMS is here for you. Jesus Christ, these guys, they got everything. HMS makes it easy. HMS connects with the licensed medical professional online who can prescribe FDA approved prescription

medication to treat your erectile dysfunction. You get the same active ingredient. You know, if you actually, if you dicks long enough, if you can yell in erectile dysfunction into the end of it, like a seashell, it gradually will, you'll wake it up. You know, and that is not snake oil. That's bullshit. All right. You get the same active agreement as that expensive little pill, but without the expensive

price tag. Here we go. No embarrassing conversations. No expensive appointments. Just answer a few questions online about your medical history and a, and a provider will confidentially review. Dude, they make your dick stand back up, full head of hair, cure your cold, see if you got COVID.

I mean, you're fucking, you're ready to start your weekend. You can confidently answer all my dicks working. I don't have COVID. I think tonight I'll pot it down the middle. No embarrassing conversations. I'm sorry, sir. What did you say? I said my dick doesn't work.

I can't hear you. I said my dick doesn't work. No expensive appointments. Just answer a few questions online about your medical history and a provider will confidently review. Your medication is shipped freely. No, it's shipped directly to your door in discreet packaging and shipping is free. No more searching online for answers to questions about erectile dysfunction or sexual wellness.

Just go to 14. You know, it reminds me of his Marvin Gaye sexual healing. You know, he came up with that. He was talking about all the perverted stuff he was doing and how empty and dark he felt afterwards and his friend just like, man, you need like a sexual healing. And he was like, that is the name of a song. I am not going to therapy. I'm going to write a fucking hit song and you have some more groupie sex.

Just go to for him's account and ask a medical professional professional. You can trust why live with erectile dysfunction when the solution can be so simple. Try hymns today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to for hymns.com slash bird. B U R R E D. Get it. Burr erectile dysfunction. Bravo.

Uniform. Romeo, Romeo. Erectile dysfunction. Bird. For your free visit. That's for hymns.com slash bird. F O R H I M S.com slash bird. Prescription products are subject to medical provider approval and require an online consultation

with a medical provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for all, for full details and safety information. Remember that. Remember that's for hymns.com slash birds. Stop the bad mafia. They're stealing the election. We want our freedom. Fight camp.

Fight camp. All right. The first rule about fight camp is you talk about fight camp on the podcast. Do you get bored with your workouts? If you're looking for something that keeps you engaged, motivated and challenged, you got to check out fight camp. Fight camp brings the boxing gym to you with a mix of cardio and conditioning for a full body workout.

Wouldn't you like to be in the shape of a prize fighter without getting punched in the head? Well, this is how you do it. It comes with all the gear you need. The best free standing punching bag on the market. All right. Enough about your girlfriend. Oh, Jay-Z went with the, I mean the emotional punching bag people.

Great boxing gloves. Quick hand wraps and their unique punch tracking sensors that show you real time progress and stats on any iOS device. I always forget what that means. What is it? Internet operating service? iOS. iOS meaning.

iOS, mobile operating system. Well, that makes, that makes sense. That totally makes sense. Mobile starts with the letter I. Where am I here? Okay. You can learn. You can, you can learn or you can't learn.

Either way, you're going to figure it out. You can learn from six highly qualified trainers ranging from a pro MMA fighter. Oh, wow. And mother of two to a kickboxing world champion. Dude, how cool is that? MMA fighter slash mother of two. Tell me that house is fucking not safe and everybody's listening to their mom. Oh my God.

Can you imagine that? Imagine if you, you've mouthed off to your mother and she puts you in a triangle. All right. Take out the trash. You'll have access to over 400 different workouts for all fitness levels and skills with four new ones every week. What's the matter, Mike? My mom choked me out again last night.

She's such a jerk. Fight Camp offers flexible financing for as low as 0% APR annual percentage rate. And right now as a limited time offer, you can try Fight Camp for 30 days with their money back guarantee. Just go to fightcamp.com slash burr. That's right. Try Fight Camp for 30 days. And if you don't love it, they'll refund your money. Train like a fighter and turn your sweat into results.

Dude, this is a classic before and after photo workout, man. To try Fight Camp for 30 days, just go to joinfightcamp.com slash burr. Join, joinfightcamp.com slash burr. B-U-R-R. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Look who it is. It's Ole Zip. Recruiter. Stop counting the votes. Businesses have tried to be flexible this year from working remotely to pivoting their business models for long-term survival and growth.

Share some of your own examples of the following. Restaurants are moving their dining outdoors and adding takeout and catering. Well, I don't own a restaurant, but I've eaten at one. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. I've eaten at restaurants outside. You know, I enjoy it. Okay. Some consumer packaged goods companies have shifted to focus more on surface cleaners or personal hygiene products.

I have not had experience with that. Major retailers are now selling face masks. I've seen that. I saw this lady sitting on the side of the road with her mask all laying on these fucking bars. The banisters, you know, as you walk up the stairs, I have seen that. Those are my personal experiences. If you're in charge of hiring for your business, these pivots have made your job even more challenging, especially if you have to hire for brand new roles.

Yeah, you don't know what you're going to get. Thankfully, there's one place that you can always count on to make hiring faster and easier. It's Ole Zip. Recruiter.com. When you post a job on Zip Recruiter, it gets sent to over 100 top job boards with one click. Then Zip, a powerful technology finds people with the right skills and experience for your job and actively invites them to apply. Yeah, people, this is business.

You don't have time to be dicking around trying to find somebody. You just hit one click, boom, it's out there, and then your qualified candidate shows up wrapped up in a bow. It's no wonder that four or five who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. They can't even count the fucking votes in one day. See for yourself right now, and you can try Zip. For free at ZipRecruiter.com slash burr. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash burr. Spell out burr, B-U-R-R.

Let Zip Recruiter take hiring off your plate so you can focus on growing your business. Go to Zip. Zip Recruiter.com slash burr. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. All right, and we're back. Spread your way back. You know what song I've had in my head for like the last fucking, I don't know how many days, like 10 days. That bad company song.

And I don't even know the words, I just go walking down the winding road. Something, something, something. And then something else. Fucking something else. Ready for love. I got to get, I at least have to know the fucking words I'm going to be singing this. Ready for love. Lyrics.

Indiarree, oh my god, how old am I? It's bad company. Somebody else came along and had the nerve to have the name, the same song. All right. Oh, it is walking down this rocky road, wondering where my life is fucking leading. That's not what they say, rolling on the bitter end. Oh, I want you to stay ready for love. Sorry.

That's a little bit out of my register. Anything that involves singing is a little out of my register. All right, everybody, that is the podcast. I want to hear your predictions. Get him in early. Who do you think is going to win and why? And if the person you don't want to win wins, I want to know how the other person cheated. I want to hear your conspiracy theories.

I want to hear about the dumpsters with liberals in them fucking shitting on Trump votes. I want to hear Donny's got his, he's got a bunch of red dumpsters out there that say make it great again. That everybody's ripping up. I want to hear it. I want to hear it. I want to hear about the Rothschilds and how they're dying. I want to hear the whole fucking thing. All right, that's it.

All right, people, let's podcast tonight. If I am a betting man. Lord, I was born a bedding man. I got to go with the Packers tonight. I got to go with the Packers because I think the 49s are just too goddamn banged up. Unless that number's too big. Let's see what we got here. Packers verse 49ers.

Let's see what we got here. Packers given fucking five and a half. I'd take that all day. Although that low of a number scares me because I think they're going to kill him. All right, that is the fucking podcast. Everybody enjoy your weekend. You can't don't watch the news. There's no reason to watch the news until that just fuck.

They'll tell you when they fit when they're done counting them. All right, they'll just tell them. And other than that, just, you know, get on with your life. Be a nice person. Effect the change in your world. Shut up, Bill. Okay. Sorry.

Enjoy the music and there'll be a bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday money morning podcast right after this from like, you know, a few years ago. Okay. All right. Thank you. Bye bye. Yeah. Hey, what's going on?

It's bill burn. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 5th, 2012. How's it going? How are you? As you can tell, this is once again, one of these ones I'm doing from the road. I don't have a mixer. I was supposed to buy a really small one, but then I went to, um, I don't know. I bought this giant one.

Like, I guess it was going to sound better than my other one. I don't fucking know. But all I know is it's too big to take on the road. And then I was going to buy a small one, but I'm here in New Orleans and they, I don't know. I don't know where to fucking buy one in New Orleans. And I know all you cunts who are from New Orleans are like, dude, what the fuck? There's a zillion places, you know, that have music. Yeah.

Well, where are they? Okay. I don't know where they're at. I don't know what the fucking look up. And, uh, and I got, I got to be honest with you. Like, you know, New Orleans is, it's a great city, but it's one of the shadiest. I put it up there and like my top, maybe four or five shady cities that I go to, you know, and if you'd like the list in no particular order, it would be San Jose is shady.

Uh, downtown Cincinnati past five o'clock. These, all these, all these cities past five o'clock is shady. Cincinnati, uh, Detroit all day. All day Detroit all day Cleveland. Is that five? Is that four to add to fucking New Orleans? This is the one thing I will say is fucked up as San Jose, Cincinnati, Cleveland and Detroit are just as far as being like, I don't feel safe past five p.m. Because anybody with who actually has ever filled out a W two form seems to go home at 501.

Um, before that second shift of fucking zombies hustlers and God knows fucking werewolves come out. Um, I would say New Orleans, I can't put my finger on it. It's got this great music. It's got great people, but it just has that, you know, you're going to get your throat slit if you go down the wrong fucking street vibe. It really does. And this is what they don't have in their little tourist, you know, fucking brochure because it is great and you can, you know, go on a fucking riverboat. You can go down to Bourbon Street, which really Bourbon Street is really like that's the time square of New Orleans, like nobody from New Orleans. I figured that out and about fucking 10 minutes when I went over to Bourbon Street with fucking Paul, dude, I called it Versey.

I was over there for like, first of all, it was stone sober when I went down the street and it's just that the whole vibe of that street, you know, it just says sex offender, sucker punched, um, hepatitis. Those would be the three. You know, like if I was on the $10,000 pyramid, those, those would be the clues that I saw. Sucker punched, uh, herpes, uh, uh, dirty needles. Pass, pass. Let's go to the next one. Come back to it.

Um, I fucking hate doing these without headphones to the point. I'm actually wearing headphones and I can't even hear myself. It's like my fucking Linus security blanket. But anyways, New Orleans is the shit. The food is amazing. But, um, at night, I have to tell you, like it's the only city in America that if I actually came face to face with a vampire, like I wouldn't be surprised. You know, it's got voodoo. You know, I forgot that.

That's what really puts it over the top. I would say the voodoo, you know, voodoo. I don't even believe in that shit. I don't believe in any of that shit, but it's just the fact that somebody does. And whenever you see those things on, on voodoo, on TV, they always have like that crazed speaking in tongues look on their face. You know, some chick always has her titties out and she dumps the blood of a chicken all over. I mean, it's just fucking, you know, it's what, what are you doing? That's like Manson family shit.

You know what I mean? I'd give Charles Manson somehow got out of jail and started running NBC and wanted to bring back that whole must see TV thing that they had. They used to have back in the late nineties. The first fucking pilot he would green light would be anything that had to do with voodoo. You know, hey, wait, has that ever been done? It's sitcom around like voodoo person. That would really be terrible. I would take all the fucking edge out of it.

Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast for this week. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, but a month ago, I started my own podcast, I guess radio station, I guess you'd call it podcast network with Al Madrigal and some other smarty pants. A lot smarter than I am. And it's called all things comedy.com. And we have a bunch of wonderful shows on there. If you want to check it out, we're gradually going to be adding to the site where we'll actually have things beyond just the podcast. We're going to start blogging, start putting videos up and all that type of stuff. This is the early times, you know, like Aerosmith's first record, you know, they didn't quite have the Aerosmith emblem drawn the way it is now.

It was sort of a simpler form of it. You know, took them till they got to about Toys and the Attic maybe. After Get Your Wings, they still had that same one. And now what? Now you want that old concert T-shirt with their original logo. Well, this is the original logo, all things comedy.com. And I'm going to try to do Ari Shafir's skeptic tank. I'm going to actually, you're going to hear that I'm going to text him about it before he even fucking knows.

How about that? That's how inside you guys are. But anyways, the brilliant Tom Rhodes, part of the All Things Comedy Network, has a one-hour special called Lightsweet Crude that just became available on Netflix last week. This guy's fucking hilarious. Harlan Williams from Harlan Highway has a new mobile app called Harland App. It's available on iTunes via harlanapp.com. And Maz Gibranis crowdfunding campaign for his movie Jimmy Veswood, American Hero, described as a pink panther meets coming to America. Here's the link to the campaign.

It's crowdfunding. You know, I'm going to put the link up. It's too fucking long. All right. So there you go. There's the plugs. Back to the podcast. Fucking voodoo.

So anyways, I told you last week that I was coming out here to New Orleans and I was going to go to Bucket List Game. I was going to go to fucking New Orleans. I was going to go to Baton Rouge, the LSU game in fucking verse Alabama. And it definitely lived up to the hype. I'm telling you right now, people who live in pro sports cities like I did, where you look at college teams. Like, you know, the deal, I grew up outside of Boston. So I mean, we had Boston College. Doug Flutie was our big moment.

You know, I know that they've had guys after that, but basically Doug Flutie put them on the map. And when I was growing up, basically college sports in Boston, like our football team, the Eagles or the BU Terriers back when they still had a fucking team. First of all, they didn't even televised the BU games. And then the BC games, you know, we have one of those teams, you know, like when your team goes to kick a field goal, like you can see the dorms, you know, you can see like the parking lot and that type of shit. We didn't have an enclosed stadium. We just had bleaches on either side. And then Doug Flutie came and did what he did and everybody got fucking paid and they made so much goddamn money off of that guy that they actually were able to enclose, you know, the stadium. You know what I mean?

But, you know, college athletes shouldn't get paid. They shouldn't get paid. They make enough fucking money for the school that they can build a new football stadium. I love that too when people go college athletes, they get paid. They get a free education. Free education, bitch. They just built 100,000 fucking seats stadium because of all my little twinkle toe activities between the fucking hash marks. You know, I get a degree in business.

It's fucking ridiculous. I'll tell you that LSU Alabama game. There's over 100,000 fucking people there. And by the way, we sat way the fuck up there. We sat there in that part of the stadium that they added on to the original bowl. You know, oh, it sucks. They treat you like a fuck. It's like you're flying and coach.

You don't even actually, I never actually technically have ever even been in that stadium because I never was with the ticket that I had. They were like, can't go on hot. They got it all bowed out, you know, that fucking Creole accent. And I like literally had to like walk in the back door. And I vaguely remember going up, I think like 36 fucking escalators till I finally got up top. And it was still the shit though. The one thing you can't say when you're up there is if you can't fucking read a defensive figure out what the fuck they're doing from up there, you can see the whole field. It's phenomenal.

But I got to be honest, I really learned how much I love LSU by how fucking devastated I was when they lost. Like Verzi was beside himself. He's like, dude, I didn't realize. I mean, I knew you were a fan, but you were like, dude, I was like more pissed off than the fucking people, the LSU fans. I got to tell you something. LSU fans and Alabama fans and there might be some fans around the FCC. I'm sure we're going to roll their fucking eyes at this. But like as far as their fan behavior at the one game that I've been to, they were phenomenal.

Absolute gentleman. I didn't hear barely any cursing. They were mixed in together. You know, the section where I'm up, you know, up in the fucking bullpen up there, they were all mixed in together. And it was, I was amazed at the behavior. Like when it looked like LSU was going to win the game and some bunch of Alabama fans started leaving like, which I don't know why the fuck you ever would. You know, people gave them some shit. You know, thanks for coming.

Have a nice long ride back to fucking Tuscaloosa. You know, they'd say shit like that. And that's about as deep as it got. And it's fucking hilarious because I'm staying here at this casino where there's a bunch of eagle fans waiting to go to the Saints game tonight, which means Verzia going to. And you see the behavior of eagle fans in a fucking casino. It's a hundred times worse than LSU Alabama fans sitting next to each other. Yesterday we were sitting there.

We were watching Sunday football. And all of a sudden you just hear coming from the casino because everybody's wearing their jerseys. You know, all the dealers are wearing like Saints jerseys and shit. And all the Eagles fans are walking around with their jerseys on. And I just hear from fucking the other side of the casino, I just hear. Asshole, asshole, asshole. And I'm thinking like, that sounds like the shit they do at the Philly games when they pointed somebody with a different jersey, right?

And then I just hear, E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles. Like obnoxious as fucking hell in the casino. So me and Verzia are sitting in like this fucking, I don't know how to explain it. It looks like a dance club that you'd go into when you're playing like Grand Theft Auto. That's what it looked like. There was this big center thing that had these crazy like neon lights that would gradually change. Like the background and like Bill Cosby himself. The background would just gradually change color, except on his special, he had like four colors.

This was only two colors. It would go from red and then it would just morph into gold and then back to red. It looked like a giant fucking glow stick. And there was like these go-go dancer stages, which obviously nobody would say. It was just these fucking fat football fans. By the way, football fans are the most out of shape fucking creeps you've ever seen in your life. This bunch of fatties sitting there like Walrus is sunning themselves, you know, before they get bitten in the neck by a polar bear, right?

So we're sitting there and we're along this bench, right? And it's me, Verzia, and then this black dude was sitting there for a second. We sort of had like this African sort of had a voodoo vibe. He had like this fucking old school, like, you know, like a run DMC, a little cool J when they had the big gold chains. He had a big chain like that, but it was plastic and it was made out of yellow. It just yellow plastic, like a Fisher Price, my first MC chain he was wearing. And he was wearing that as like a fucking 40 year old guy or he looked 40.

The guy looked like he had a rough life. And he had all his teeth from let's say number nine over your two front teeth. They ate nine starting from the right going over up top for those of you who never worked in a dental office. So he had number nine all the way to the back and fucking eight to the other side was just completely missing. Like he took like a Mike Tyson fucking hook back in 1988. So.

Versey goes up to the bar and that dude kind of came over voodoo guy sits down and I'm going like, I don't want to talk to this fucking voodoo dude, but I'm going to look like a bitch. If I don't, when Versey comes back, if when this fucking half a vampire sitting here with his plastic chain. So I just tapped him and I just said, Hey, excuse me, my buddy sitting here. And he kind of gave me a look just long enough for me to be like, am I going to fucking fight this guy?

Am I going to have the weirdest bite marks on my forearm ever where they won't even know what the fuck bit me. And then he slid over. Thank God. Then of course, Versey, who's all personality comes over and sits down next to the guy and immediately they're shooting the shit like they went to fucking war together. Right. So eventually the voodoo guy gets up and leaves and then we kind of got this whole

like bench area to ourselves, like cushion bench. It's nice. You know, we're watching the fucking games, having a good time. And then this other dude comes over, another black dude. Don't worry. Eventually I'll be making fun of a white dude. So this doesn't seem like it's just fucking me being freaked out by black people. And this guy comes over and he looked like Thurman Thomas,

like how Thurman Thomas would look now. And you know those people when they sit down, they never stop rocking. He was doing that. He was just sitting there fucking rocking just back and forth. Kind of doing this OCD thing with his fingers and then like muttering to himself. Right. And he was sitting like we're on this giant bench of cushions. So he's like this one empty cushion between Versey and this guy.

And Versey's so locked into the game. He's watching the giant stealers that he doesn't see this fucking dude like rocking back and forth. And I'm laughing my ass off. So finally, because I keep seeing people wanting to sit down in that seat and then they see this dude fucking Thurman Thomas, the old Thurman fucking rocking back and forth. I'm going to steal a giant. I'm doing this fucking rain man shit and I'm laughing my ass off. And I thought Versey saw him.

So right as Versey's taking a swig of his drink, I said, hey Versey, you see that guy there and he looks over at me. He almost does a spit take. I go, he's the human equivalent of, you know those things at the airport that are always spinning to keep the fucking birds off the runway so they don't fly into the engine. He's literally the human equivalent of that, preventing anyone from sitting in that seat. And right as I get done saying that, this fucking Eagles fan comes over with the t-shirt on, astronaut haircut and just fucking like, like movie drunk, right?

Overact and drunk, stumbling over and fucking just sits down like, like on fucking one ass cheek totally lean in his head. He starts sliding down almost into Versey. Versey's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, easy, easy. And then this fucking, the two worlds collides. This fucking guy like, I don't know what he did. If he like shotgun some whiskey or if he actually took some drugs because he was fucking out of it. Starts tapping rain man, Thurman Thomas.

He taps him and like the way this dude was rocking and talking to himself. I wouldn't even think that he could have a fucking conversation. But the second this fucking drugged up Eagles fan tapped fucking rain man, Thurman Thomas. The dude just snapped out of it and was like a fucking state trooper. He just looked at the dude. And the fucking Eagles fans like said something like, you know, I said, how are you doing or how are you living or something? And the dude just looked at me and he was like, how are you living? And he had this fucking look on his face like this pissed off look and the kid tried to high five him.

And the guy all of a sudden he just looked like he was gonna, he had like that special needs strength and was literally just going to fucking punch this kids lower jaw. Fortunately, that didn't happen. And rain man, Thurman Thomas slid over one more chair. So now we got this fucking guy and he keeps passing out falling on into Verzi and then he try and high five us. And we finally ended up having to get security. Felt like assholes, but it was just like he was going to puke. He could just tell he was going to puke on somebody. So the security came over.

Eventually got rid of him. So then Verzi, because he's Mr. Personality, has to talk to fucking, you know, Thurman, fucking Dustin Hoffman, right? And he goes, he said something about the guy. Hey, you know, hey, that guy was, he seemed like he was pretty drunk. He seemed like he was going to puke. And the fucking rain man, dude, stop fucking rocking and looked at him. He go, he looked like he was going to get his ass kicked. And we were like, ah, man, nice talking to you.

And then immediately went right back to just sitting there fucking rocking. I couldn't figure the guy out. He either had, you know, either had some sort of mental problem or he had like fucking 20 grand on the game that he didn't have. I don't know. Was that even remotely fucking amusing? I have no idea. I'm fucking sitting here with headphones on. I can't hear myself.

This is the Monday morning podcast, by the way. What the fuck? I got to do, I got to do two quick advertisements for this week. Here we go. Stamps.com, everybody. You know the deal. If you don't want to go to the post office anymore, you can have the post office right inside your own dwelling. With Stamps.com, you can buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer, printer, whatever.

You need it 24 seven. No more wasting time at the post office. What a hassle, man. No need to lease an expensive meter. Stamps.com offers more features than a meter and at a fraction of the price. Plus Stamps.com, customers receive special discounts on mailing and shipping. You can't even get at the post office. On priority mail, express mail, and even more.

No wonder. Stamps.com customers have already printed over $3 billion in postage. I use Stamps.com whenever I send out my DVDs to my gigs. I never have a problem. I feel like a little professional. I feel like I'm getting away with something. Use my last name. Burr, B-U-R-R for my special offer.

No risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 in free postage. They're just giving you 55 bucks and a scale. Huh? Who else does that? Nobody. Stamps.com. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else.

Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. All right. Back to the podcast. Anyways, me and Verzi fucking go to the LSU, Alabama on, say, Saturday for those of you not from Boston.

And what was I going to say? I was actually just talking to them going, you know, I was like, what the fuck ever happened to make a little blight? It's the first beer I ever got drunk off of. I don't give a fuck who you are. There's a special thing. I was like, the first chick you ever fucking nailed, the first beer you ever got drunk off of.

I had, I had like, I think I had like two mick lights the first time I ever caught a buzz in Fanuel Hall in Boston. And I was like, oh, I think I like this smash cut fucking 30 years later. So anyways, we're here in Nolans and we actually went to this fucking shady liquor store to buy a styrofoam cooler and all that crap and lo and behold, Verzi comes out with some Michelobelite and a bottle of Jameson. And the whole night before we're at the show and everybody in the crowd, I'm like going out, it's going to be a hundred thousand people.

It's a fucking seven o'clock game. What time should we leave? And they're like six in the morning, seven in the morning. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. There's not going to be 12 hours of traffic. And they just kept laughing at me acting like it was going to be this apocalyptic fucking traffic. And I just kept thinking, you know, I go to the Rose Bowl every year, that's a hundred

thousand fucking people. And yeah, there's traffic, but like it's not to that level. And I get there four or five hours before the game. These people are full of shit, you know, and there's no way that with the way I drink, which I believe is called binge drinking, there's no way I'm going to be able to get there 12 hours before the game. I'll pass out three times before the game even starts by then I'm not going to give a shit.

So we ended up leaving around 130 fucking crews to the game, made a left off some exit right before the fucking stadium. We just parked on a side street. Actually, if you want to know what we parked, we parked on Stanford and Yale right in front of somebody's house. They said it was 40 bucks to park on their lawn, but there was a space in the street. So we just fucking parked there. So then all of a sudden we realized we were like almost a mile away from the stadium and

that we were going to have to carry this styrofoam cooler with ice and all these beers in it. Him holding one side, me holding the other, and then Dennis trading off this bottle of fucking Jameson. It was going to be fucking ridiculous. So I got, you know, why don't we just slam a couple of these? Let's take some weight out of this cooler. I swear to God, dude, I think I drank five of those in like 90 minutes, which at my age is impressive.

I wasn't shotgunning me either or funneling them like you pussies in college. That's the easy way. You know what I mean? I fucking, that's ripping off the band-aid. I did the work. So I sucked these things down. Then of course then I got a piss like a racehorse. So I'm drunk enough that my personality comes out and I don't come off like a cunt like

I did when I was talking to fucking Thurman Thomas there. I went up and I just knocked on the ladies door. I said, listen, I know I didn't pay to park. I parked in your front yard. Is there any way I can use your bathroom? And she was like, absolutely. And I went in there and when I came out, I gave her five bucks. I go, what did I say?

The, uh, what the fuck did I say? Not the home security fund, the hospitality fund. She laughed. She took the five bucks, right? Then she comes walking out later, knowing that we're slamming beers out there and she came out and she asked for our empties. You know, that's what kind of economy we're living in here. That someone's going to, I give somebody five bucks.

They let me take a piss in their house and then they come out and they collect my empties. That's how bad it is. By the way, if you live in New York city or you live in Los Angeles and you can't deal with how fucking liberal it is there, you should come down to fucking Baton Rouge and go to an SCC football game. Uh, you, you would be in heaven. They, what they were saying out there, they were saying, LSU fans, a couple of them, they were going, no Bama, no Bama.

And they would trash them for saying, roll tide. What would they say? They would say, around the bowl and down the hole, roll, tide, roll. And they would, then they would literally mime them going down the toilet in case you didn't get what the fuck they were saying. Um, by the way, I, I actually, um, I, I've always liked Alabama too. You know, and I know it's going to freak out LSU fans. I'm not from here.

So like, I just like teams that are good. So I actually like teams in the SCC that don't like each other, but LSU is my fucking squad. Um, and believe me, I fucking realized that when they lost and, uh, oh, you know, it was too, I didn't like the way the Alabama fans dressed. It reminded me at TCU, come on frogs. Would they do that shit? Would they dress all dressed like these fucking junior banker date rapists?

They go to a football game, right? They wear like, they wear dockers, boat shoes, and then they have like a fucking polo shirt that they tuck in. They, they, I swear to God, it's like, are you serious right now? You're from Alabama. Oh, who, who are you kidding? I could see if you took off your Alabama shit and you went to someplace else and you tried to pull it off, but eventually people are going to know you're from

Alabama and don't even fuck with me. I've been to Alabama, the civilized parts. Okay. I didn't go down to make in a mobile or all that fucking shit where they, they're down there. I mean, I don't even think they know Martin Luther King's dead yet. They're probably still having fucking meetings. That's fucked up, but they probably are.

We've got to get him. Why do you think that took over the NBA? He's got to be somewhere. He's like Elvis, man. He ain't dead yet. You know, and as fucked up as that is, I swear to God. Anyways, why? I, it just, you know, and there was this one, this one fucking dude behind us.

All right. He had little seventh grade boy arms and he fucking, you should have seen him. All right. He's got his little fucking doctors on and his stupid fucking shoes. He had, he has his gut. The funny thing was this kid was probably only about 15 pounds overweight, but you could tell that he wasn't stopping. And I was saying to Verzi, I go, look at that.

I go, look at that dude. I go, just tell me that guy doesn't scream massive heart attack in about 20 years. And Verdi's laughing. I go, look at his shoes. Those are heart attack shoes. He had like these fucking like they were like boat shoes, but they had like those tassels on them. I'm going to tell you right now, if you're a white guy and you wear shoes with

tassels, there's no fucking way you're not going to have, but you have a 98% chance of having a heart attack. The second you put those shoes on, and if you don't have socks on, it's 100%. That is the official dying at your desk or almost dying at your desk fucking shoes. You know, like, you know how Chuck Taylor's back in the day with the official punk rock fucking sneakers that meant you were into punk music and you were different because you and all your friends dressed exactly the same. Those fucking things.

So anyways, I'm watching the game and the exact reason why I became an LSU fan, which was, was basically because of the way less miles, you know, the Mad Hatter, the riverboat gambler, whatever you want to call them would basically, you know, I actually said before the game, we're on Bourbon Street and everybody was going out, even LSU fans are going to think Alabama is going to get us. They're going to, few of whom are going, they're going to kill us. And I, you know, I was drunk, of course. What else would I be doing?

And I was like, let me tell you something right now. I'm calling this right now, Paul Verzi. There's going to be a fake kick, an onside kick, a fake field goal and a fake punt. He's going to pull out all the tricks and they're going to fucking win. You watch. Well, they did the fake field goal. They did the onside kick, no fake punt, but they also went for it on fourth down. And if he didn't see the highlights, none of it worked.

The onside kick worked, but it didn't go 10 yards and. Oh, Jesus, they fucking blew it. I was absolutely, I couldn't believe I was fucking devastated. I literally, I walked out of the stadium. It was the quietest I've ever heard on a thousand people leave a stadium. And I got to give it to the Alabama fans. They weren't talking shit. They were just like, I think I was sort of the Eagles fan at the game.

I was the asshole. I was just walking around fucking hammered, hammered, yelling at anybody I saw on red, I would just go, Hey, Alabama, the dream ends tonight. It's going to be a long ride. I just kept saying that Alabama. And they would look at me like with this fucking shot look on their face. And I was like, Jesus, did you see that fucking guy? Cause I didn't realize.

Like I said, I'm only judging them on one game here. I thought you guys, you're a, I can't, I can't figure Southern people out. You know what I mean? They're really nice, really polite, really friendly, yet all the other shit. Confederate flags, the South's going to rise again, the whole, you know, slavery wasn't that bad a thing. Was it or the civil war wasn't about slavery. It was about representation and the fucking, you know, they start doing that shit.

Um, I don't know, can you really fault them for it though? Isn't that kind of like the, the same thing as like when your team does something douchey, like films, the other team that you'll never quite admit that they actually cheated. Oh, by the way, in defense of my New England Patriots, um, I was watching the green Bay pack is yesterday. Um, and I saw, I saw what's his face. Aaron Rogers goes over to the sidelines and he fucking goes to talk to his coach.

And what does he do? He puts his hand over his mouth when he goes to talk to him. Now, why do you think that is? Why do you think that is? Because somehow the other team could read his lips from that far away. Now, because you think for some reason they actually have the NFL feed going, or maybe just maybe there's a chance that they're fucking doing something on the other side that they're filming, that they're looking through binoculars

and all that fucking horseshit. I'm sorry. I'll, I'll defend the page. I'm, look, we fucking cheated. What are you going to do? Everybody, everybody's doing it. I do the same thing when I defend Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong. So anyways, I actually, I'm telling this story all over the place.

Man, this is like a Tarantino movie. Right? I started in the middle, jumped to the beginning and now I'm at the end. I don't know where I'm at. Anyways, somewhere in like the third quarter, I got these epic hiccups and I just couldn't stop and I had them for the rest of the fucking game through the night, the entire drive home. They went away a couple of times and they came back like literally to the point.

I felt like my esophagus was going to snap in half. Um, and then I went to sleep, came home, had a pizza. I had heartburn. So I figured, Oh, I know, I'll use some pizza dough to fucking absorb that. And, uh, I went to bed and I actually got woken up by hiccups at seven in the morning and all day yesterday, I just, I just had him on and off and on and off and on and off to the point I finally looked up what causes hiccups. First of all, I didn't even know what they were.

I just thought it was when you swallowed air into your stomach and it was trying to get out, but it couldn't. I didn't know. And everybody's telling me that they're, they're remedies and that type of shit. So basically this is what causes, after I've told you this story of what I did. Oh, and by the way, when I went to the game, I had a burger. I had a sausage po boy. I had M and M's and I had something else and I had already drank five fucking

Michelobes and a 90 minutes and then walked up to the stating for a mile, walking in the sun and I had a big gulp of Jameson on ice. And then I smoked a Cuban cigar all in there. I don't really fucking remember the order. And in the midst of all that, I was going, I was a fucking mess. And then I got these epic hiccups. So this is what causes hiccups. It says a very full stomach can cause bouts of hiccups that go away on their own.

A full stomach can be caused by number one, eating too much food, too quickly, check, drinking too much alcohol, check, swallowing too much air, check, smoking. Got you right there, buddy. A sudden change in stomach temperature, such as drinking a hot beverage and then a cold beverage. Now I didn't do that, but I definitely drank a lot of cold and then smoked. I don't fucking know. And the last one, emotional stress or excitement.

Is it any wonder I had fucking hiccups for close to 36 straight hours? I did every fucking thing you could possibly do. I was like a nerd going right down the checklist. You know, I should have been like rocking back and forth talking to myself. So basically, I'll tell you where the excitement came in was when I went into the uh, stadium, when you come walking through the hall and I just saw those two LSU end zones and that tiger eye on the, uh, on the 50 yard line. And I couldn't fucking believe I was there.

And, um, I'll tell you right now, no bullshit. If you are in a pro sports town city and you'd never watch college sports because you know, you can't get into it. You never watched it. I've only followed the pros. I'm telling pick a team, pick a team, get into it the way I did. And fucking one year, you and your buddies, just take a fucking road trip, tell the ladies to go fuck themselves, go to the game, don't drink and eat as much as I

did, but definitely get yourself a nice cigar and, uh, go to the game. It'll definitely, it'll definitely be worth it. I was actually, I was actually jealous that I didn't study harder in high school and didn't go to a, to a, uh, to a college like that where, cause that's, that's the amazing thing about those is, is like those games are like everything. It's like generations of families are together. There's like many reunions of old drinking buddies. And then there's the existing class.

Oh, it's just unreal. ESPN game day was there. It was fucking insane. It was worth every goddamn cent. Um, so I don't know if you don't have enough shit on your bucket list. I would, I would definitely suggest going to an SCC game and don't go to some bullshit cupcake game in September, you know, go, go to, go to a fucking game like that where there's like a hundred years of hatred.

I'm telling you, it puts Red Sox Yankee shit to shame. Go to, go to fucking Michigan, Ohio State, LSU, Alabama, uh, Florida, Georgia, Oklahoma, Texas. I'm telling you, I'm telling you. All right, Bill, we got it for fuck's sakes. We got it. Um, oh, by the way, Friday night went Friday night when we were doing the show. Um, Paul Versey got one of the fucking funniest heckles and he didn't even hear

it because the guy did it so southern and like laid back. Versey was talking about some shit and he just basically said the tag was, and he was just riffing, you know, making it more southern because we were in front of that crowd. He's like, you know, I'll blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I don't give a shit. He goes, I'll kick some fat rednecks ass down the street or something like that. And then I just hear in the back of the crowd, some dude goes, try on it.

It was fun. It was the greatest and he sounded like he wasn't even bullshitting. I just loved that. He was like, I'm a fat redneck. Come on, let's do it. Fuck it. Um, speaking of which one of my favorite shows is coming up cause coming back. Of course, I don't know the name of it because I'm an idiot.

Uh, it's the one where those Southern guys cook up the moonshine on film and they're like ducking behind trees as the cops come by, hoping that they don't find this still. And it's like, dude, this is all the damning evidence they need. They don't need to walk through the woods anymore. They just, they have your name. They'll find out where you live and they'll just drive up and get you. Right.

That show has to be fake. Why isn't that guy getting arrested? They don't blot out his face or anything. What's the deal? Um, all right, let's get into this. Uh, Southern Connecticut show. Yeah, I'm doing a college at Southern Connecticut University. Um, will your material be toned down because of the college kids?

Um, where my act is right now, there's nowhere to go. I can't really tone it down because the subjects alone will probably be considered offensive. So what I'm going to have to do is change the intro of each bit. Well, I'll, I'll try and make it more relatable where I'll be like, Hey, you know, here's something that might happen to you in 20 years. If you don't get married and you keep drinking, but then I'll just do the bits. So don't worry about it.

If you think about coming to the show, it's going to be an adult, an adult show. I do a college once every two or three years. Um, and I'd be lying to you if I wasn't a little concerned about this one. I'm a little concerned about this. There's a low pressure system coming in, um, tone down. Hey, Bill, you think you can tone down the swearing during your podcast for whom? Why, why, why would I want to tone down? You think you can go fuck yourself?

Go go find another podcast, go to all things comedy and find another podcast to listen to. I love when people do that shit. People like, you know, you know, you might want to consider like I'm sitting here doing this for you. This isn't for you. This is for me. So I don't have any guests just sitting here talking to myself.

You decided to listen to do if you don't, I don't give a fuck. All right. This is my fucking, uh, this is my job that I can get fired from. You know, when you just want to make a couple X to bucks, you know, get out of the house, maybe you're not happy in your relationship. You just, you know, you don't like sitting around. I want to do something else. Get myself a weekend job.

Oh my God. He works so hard. No, sweetie. He's sick of you. Um, no, so I won't talk. I won't tone it down. Um, anyways, um, my weekend, yo, so for the past three weeks or so, I have been smoking weed on a normal and I most say, and I, and I must say, that's what

you're trying to say, life is so much more happier because if any drama rolls through, rolls, throw, THROW rolls through, I know, just let it roll off and life is so much chiller. I'm just going to read this how this person wrote it and life is so much chiller, more need to do this and stop being so damn uptight. Love your Monday morning podcast and have a good day. Go fuck yourself. Are you saying that I need to do that?

Life is so much more happer. H-A-P-P-E-R. Cause if any drama rolls through, I'm going to be like, cause if any drama rolls through, um, look, after the way I drank this weekend, I'm going to give you shit for using any sort of substance. I actually need to shut it down. I would never advocate drinking the way that I drink. I wouldn't.

All right. I got this weird thing where I'm not an alcoholic. I just fucking love doing it. I mean, I could stop. Oh, Jesus, I sound like the classic alcoholic. I can stop whenever I want to. I took a fucking year off. I was bored, but I was never sitting there like, I need it, man.

I fucking need it. I just like doing it. I like getting hammered and I like yelling at people in boat shoes. You know, sue me. Uh, but I definitely need to shut it. Once you start getting heartburn, what the fuck? I'm sitting there making fun of these people like they're going to have a heart attack. Isn't heartburn basically the, uh, the on ramp to major coronary failure?

Oh, speaking of which, I'm reading this book right now, eat to live. And every time I say eat to live, I always think of iron maiden aces high. Every time I say eat to live, I hear Bruce Dickinson saying fly to live, live to fly. Um, oh, the eighties. Anyways, you guys should definitely check out this book. Hey, would you like me to read you an excerpt of it? I got to, I got to read you this. Let me put this on pause right here.

Actually, you know what? Maybe it'll be funny if I just walk across the room, just hang on a second. They walk across the room here to try to find you. Just busy yourselves, busy yourselves. Fuck amongst yourselves as I try to find the book. Fuck is it? There it is. There it is.

Here it is. Okay. Everybody take your seats. Take your seats where class is back in session. All right. So this, this is guy, right? He wrote this book, Joe Furman, MD. All right.

So, you know, he's smart. Um, he wrote this book, eat to live. So I hate going to the fucking gym. The only reason why I have to go to the gym, other than gravity, pulling my fucking mantets down to the ground every goddamn day, it never quits unless you're laying down. You know, if you did a fucking headstand your whole life, if you could actually do that, would you have fucking mantets eventually be in your face? What's the deal?

Um, anyways, this guy's basically saying, he used base, you know, you know, forever that they've, they've said the problem with the vegan diet is that you can't get enough protein. You're not going to get enough protein and that, uh, whatever, like vegetables aren't a complete protein or something like that. You basically, you've got to have a protein the size of your, the palm of your hand, no bigger than that. Make sure it's a lean cut and yada, yada, yada.

This guy's saying it's all bullshit. Go to the fucking zoo. The most jacked animal there is a goddamn gorilla. You can't get any more jack than that. A fucking gorilla is like an NFL linebacker fucking times 1000. They said, if you fucking had a, a gorilla, if you could actually make it bench press, if you could actually make it do it, you know, I said, get over there. Right.

How the fuck are you going to make it do it? Right. Somehow it wanted to do it. It could basically bench press two tons easy. All right. That's 4,000 pounds for you dummies out there for you people overseas. I imagine that's a bunch of fucking, uh, whatever the fuck measurement you use, a bunch of stones.

Um, I think like a stone, cause I remember looking it up one time when I was listening to ACDCs, whole lot of Rosie weighing in at about 19 stone. That was about 218 pounds, I believe. Do the fucking math. All right. So that's 19 times five. That'd be about 1000 pounds. So that's like a hundred star.

Yeah. It's about 400 stone, 350 stone. Don't go fuck yourself. So anyways, he said, you go to the zoo, the grill is the most fucking jacked animal you ever going to see and they eat 80% vegetables, 20% fruit. Now granted, I realize I'm not a fucking gorilla, but I tell you, I went to the zoo and I looked at goddamn monkey in the eye. You look at chimp in the eye and I'm telling you, they're us and we're them.

All right. We're just, we're just a little, little, uh, little above or a little below, depending on how you view the environment. You know, in all our inventions, the fucking goddamn mess we've made at the planet. So anyways, this is what the guy's claiming as far as, because my whole life, I heard about the four food groups and you build it around a protein. This is what this guy's saying.

Um, he's basically saying, oh, I know, I, I, I, this is going to be fucking hilarious because I can't read. This is terrible. Um, he's basically saying, you know, even you go to the supermarket and they say that shit that, that, you know, they'll say like, this butter is 98% fat free. You know, then you're like, so this butter is fucking only 2% fat. 2% fat. Um, it's actually bullshit.

Butter is a hundred percent fat. What they did is how they got around it is they just, if you took like butter, which is a hundred percent fat and you threw it in a glass of water and then you stirred it up and then rather than counting the caloric value of it, of the butter, which is still a hundred percent fat, you did it by weight and you included the glass and the fucking water. That's how it becomes 2% fat by weight. It's then becomes 2% fat, but the fucking butter is still a hundred percent fat.

It's like 2% milk is really 49% fat. All right. Does that make any sense? Well, it shouldn't cause I'm stupid. So let me read what this, this fucking guy wrote and he's smart cause he's an MD. Using weight instead of calories in nutrient analysis tables has evolved into a ploy to hide how nutritional unsounded many foods are. The role of the USDA was originally to promote the products of the animal

agricultural industry. Over 50 years ago, the USDA began promoting the so-called four basic food groups with meat and dairy products in the number one and number two spots on the list financed by them. And this was financed by the meat and dairy industry and backed by nutritional scientists on the payroll of meat and dairy, of the meat and dairy industry. This promotion ignored science. Am I going to get sued for this?

This program, I'm only, I'm only quoting the book people. This program could be more accurately labeled the four food myths. It was taught in every classroom in America, to me included, with posters advocating a diet loaded with animal protein, fat and cholesterol. The results of this fraudulent program were dramatic in more than, more ways than one. Americans began eating more and more animal foods. The campaign sparked the beginning of the fastest growing cancer.

Hang on, I got to turn the page. Epidemic in history and heart attack rates soared to previously unheard levels. So I don't know whether you believe that or not. I got to still think that people were always eating steaks. All I know is I'm going to try to give this thing a shot. It's not that I'm going to go vegan. All right. And I know if you try to do anything outside the norm of that, automatically

people are going to be sending me emails. First, you dry a previous, now you're a vegan. Why don't you just stick a dick in your ass? Like it always becomes that, right? Um, no, actually I'm going to try to have one salad a day, the very least, to offset my fucking steak eating ways. You know, I don't know. The fucking book basically blew my mind.

If it's even remotely true, and I got to admit, I've kind of been doing it a little bit and it's, uh, it's making me feel pretty good. And I'm shitting like a fucking race horse. Sorry ladies. Um, I'm actually learning how to eat a salad without any dressing on it. Cause I guess that even like olive oil has 150 calories per teaspoon. And I got to tell you, I easily put it seven teaspoons. That's not even that much.

You know, yeah, but yeah, you know, uh, I might as well eat a fucking burger. I'm an idiot. So to eat a salad without dressing, I swear to God, you don't know the misery, but what ends up happening is you get used to it. And I swear to God, the onions and the tomatoes, maybe a carrot in there, whatever the fuck you have in that, that becomes the dressing. And you actually get excited to eat a tomato. You know, it's funny.

I don't think I sold that as much as I made people run to go eat more fucking meat, but whatever, I'm going to try it out because, um, cause I hate working out. I got to go down and I got to go try and work off one eighth of what the fuck I did to my body at the LSU game. God damn it. I was upset after that game. What happened? I actually did the dumbest thing I could ever do.

I actually have another fucking team that I'm now going to live and die for. So what are the odds they're going to win the championship every year? Zero. So every fucking year there's going to be some level of disappointment. You know, well, they won the citrus bowl. I guess that's kind of good. All right. Next one.

Here we go. Gay son, Bill, my son just left for college this year. And when I was cleaning out his room, I found several notes from he and his best friend from high school. These two were together all the time and are rooming together right now in colleges. In college. God, I'm fucking, it's pathetic. The notes I found were from, from one another on special occasions like Christmas.

All of them said essentially the same thing. I know nobody can know, but our love is real and we can express ourselves better in college. Oh, Jesus, here we go. Here we go. They go on to talk about their nights in hotels and how their girlfriends never knew they were gay. My son talks about how he can never tell me because he thinks I will disown him.

Oh my God, are the hiccups coming back? Is this story exciting me? Bill, I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone and I'm not mad at him or anything and don't care that he is gay, but I want to know if I should tell him I know his secret. Jesus, why do you guys ask me these questions like I'm qualified? I'm not qualified to answer this, but this is what I would do. First of all, the fact that, you know, you're not going to judge him and you

won't disown him, his biggest fear is, is just that it's only a fear. So that's, that's a good thing. So I don't have any kids, but I know that, that if my son had some giant fear, I would want to, if I could in any way alleviate that stress from his life, I would, I would, so I would just, I would, I don't know, I would sit down with them and I would just say, look, okay, tell him you love him and all that stuff. So he chills and say, you know, whatever you said, you know, I was cleaning out your room, I found these notes.

I mean, I don't know how this is. You almost want to ask, you got to ask somebody gay about this. Cause I don't know if this is going to be like, if it's up to him, you don't want to shock the kid, but I would think that I would think and just say, you're not going to disown him. You're not mad at him or whatever. I, I, I would think and I'm not qualified. I would think once he got over the shock of holy fuck, my biggest fear in life,

my dad found out once he finds out, you're not fucking mad. He gave him a hug and then just say, listen, and I'm not going to fucking tell anybody, you know, it just hurt me. It made me feel sad that you, that you were thinking that I would be like that with you. I'm not, you're my son. I love you. That's it.

You know, and I would just do it like that and then just say, I'm not going to say anything about your friend. I'm not going to say anything to your mother. Uh, you know, well, that probably puts you in a situation with that. I don't fucking know. I don't know how to go beyond that, but that's, that's what I would do. All right. Once again, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

So there you go. That's, that's what I would do. Okay. Good luck to you, sir. Okay. Moving on. Book recommendation. Eat to live, live to fly.

Sorry. Um, Bill, I hope all is well with you. Well, I hope all is well with you too, sir, or ma'am hermaphrodite. Um, I just wanted to say that I enjoy listening to your podcast early in the morning while I practice guitar before work or even better while I'm wasting time on my cubicle. How do you practice guitar listening to this shit? Um, anyway, I heard you mentioned in the past that you're a fan of body weight

exercise. Yes, I am. I'm not sure if you heard of Ross. I can't read that word. Anna mate, E N A M A I T, but he is an Xboxer and physical trainer who lives in Massachusetts. He put a, he put a great book out called never Jim less a few years back. And I've been using it on a daily basis to keep in shape.

Ross is a bare knuckle, no bullshit kind of guy. I think you'll enjoy the book if you're into using your own body weight to keep in shape. I am in no way affiliated with Ross. Well, I'll believe it because you just told me you weren't, um, or anything like that. I just want to let you know that I enjoy your work and thought you might be interested in this book.

Yeah, I'll check it out. Never Jim less. That's oddly comforting. The gym will always be there. And then those times when you can't work out, those were the times when I carried you, uh, movie recommendation, Bill, you got to see Wreckett Ralph. It made me laugh and cry. Oh, geez.

I didn't laugh when I saw Cosby and I didn't cry when my relatives died. Oh, you didn't laugh when you went to see Bill Cosby and he didn't cry when your relatives died, but Wreckett Ralph, I think I saw some of that. I think I saw. I think I saw something about that, which is that one. There's one out there that looks like a pixelated angry me that's coming out. Uh, I don't know. Anyways, overrated, underrated, underrated, being from a pro sports town and flying

to New Orleans and experiencing a college football game between two SCC rivals. I'm telling you, put it on your bucket list. All right, go buy your wife some shoes. There you go, sweetie. These are for you and these two tickets from me. Go fuck yourself. I'll see you in three days. And by the way, if you get, if you get hiccups and you want to cure them, they

got all these different cures and all that. The biggest thing is just don't eat like an asshole and drink like an asshole. Like I did. Oh, by the way, by the way, this time tomorrow, we have the big election here in the States. I don't know if you heard about it. People out there in Sydney, Australia and Melbourne, Melbourne. Is that how you say it?

Melbourne, Perth, Oslo, Helsinki, all these fucking places I go to now. I don't know if you guys heard about it. I'm sure it's all over your fucking blows me away that you guys give a shit considering I can't name any of your guys other than Tony Blair. And every's why I know Tony Blair's. He's got such a fucking great showbiz name. Ladies and gentlemen, keep it going for that motherfucker Tony Blair. You know, he almost needs a black dude to bring him up.

That name's so smooth. Keep it going for Tony Blair. Um, anyways, uh, so what do you think? Who are you calling? Paul Verzi is dying. He wants, he's Romney all fucking day. He wants Romney. I don't want either.

I don't even know who I'm going to vote for this time. I don't even fucking know. I have no fucking clue. It's, I don't give a shit. It's not, it doesn't matter. They're both going to roughly do the same fucking thing. Because the same people got money on both fucking guy. Um,

I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do, but, uh, I don't know. I've had it. I just think people are so fucking stupid. And that's coming from me who can't even read out loud 44 years of age. I just think people like, I just don't understand how they process information. You know what I mean? The way they, they, they look at shit.

They never connect one presidency to another. It's like people can't like whatever's going on. They're like, Oh, who's in office? Oh, it's his fault. You know, they don't keep seeing like the same problems keep getting fucking worse and worse and worse. I just know, I just don't believe that the president can fucking do anything. All he can do, he's like Mark Sanchez. He just has to try and manage the game.

Don't throw a pick, Mark. Don't throw a pick. That's basically all he can do. You know, other than that, how are you going to tell, how are you going to turn this country around? Like corporations are so fucking powerful that they're beyond the borders of this country. Like, you know what I thought was really fucked up and is literally treasonous activity. It's like all those people out there dealing with a hurricane, Susan, Sally, I for some reason,

I just cannot remember the fucking name of that goddamn hurricane that shit where everybody is lining up to get gas and all of a sudden gas becomes like 599 a gallon to do that to your fellow countrymen when they're involved in that type of situation to raise the price of food to do all that to make money off of people's misery like that. I was kidding. Who that's page one of capitalism, but I personally that that's just that's treasonous. You should be if anything, you should try to be keeping the prices steady. You should be if anything, you should try to be keeping the prices steady.

You should be or try to drop them if you can fucking help people out. The fucking coming up to you with their pockets inside out, two shoes that don't even fucking match and you're going to try to get an extra fucking $2 a gallon off of them or whatever. I just that that isn't right and a fucking right, not my America. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I felt oddly comfortable doing this with my headphones on, even though I couldn't hear myself. You know what it is? If you put them on, I can still hear my voice in my head, which makes me feel good.

It's soothing to me. All right. So here's the deal. I got one more road gig this year. I'm going to be at the University of Southern Connecticut on November 17th. It is open to the public so get you and I'm just saying that I don't even know if that's true, but I think it's true considering people are emailing me about it saying if I'm going to tone it down by the, for the love of God, get some goddamn adults in that crowd.

All right. And then I think that's it. Then all the rest of my gigs. What do I got? I got Brea. That's it. All they got is Brea left and another fucking year has gone by. Can you believe it?

All right. Well, that's the podcast for this week. As always, people, if you'd like to support this podcast, go to billbird.com. Click on the podcast page and click on the link to amazon.com. And all you got to do is go buy something. You don't have to do it if you want to. And then Amazon doesn't cost you any extra money. Amazon then just kicks me a little bit of money.

And then I take a portion of the, and I take a portion of any ad money that I make on this. And I, uh, I sent it to the wounded warriors project. So you'd be supporting me and supporting the troops. And you know what? Look what I just did there. I just did what all these corporations are doing now, where they try and align themselves with some sort of, you know, some sort of cause that there's no way you're not going to be against it, like that whole breast cancer thing.

Like you've seen the five hour energy, the little pink ones. And every time you buy a pink five hour energy liquid cocaine, we will give a portion of the proceeds to finding a cure for breast cancer. Now the key there is a portion of the proceeds. What do you think that pro portion is? I heard with a certain credit card company, it was one penny for every charge, regardless of how big it was. So if people are doing that shit, can you really get mad that they're raising gas price of gas

during the fuck, during a fucking hurricane? You know what I mean? I'll tell you, it wouldn't do something like that. Ari Shaffir, Ari Shaffir wouldn't. You ever go to his merch page, you see the quality that he has on that? I've been in this business long enough to know how much having all those extra colors in your t-shirt or on the cover, your CD or DVD, how much that's going to cost you. And he says, fuck that.

I have an artistic vision. Ari Shaffir would not raise gas prices. And because of that, you should go to all things comedy and you should listen to his podcast, the septic tank, the skeptic tank, septic, I'm such a fucking idiot, the skeptic tank. And I'm actually going to try to get on his show. That's it. So that's it people. If you didn't believe me the first time, I said it twice.

That is fucking it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Thank you to everybody who came out to the show here at Harris in New Orleans. This is going to be a regular stop for me on the tour. And I'm always going to be coming through during football season. Next year, I'm going to try to do LSU and go to a Hornets game while I'm out here. Check that one off the list.

But tonight, Saints Eagles. And I'm going to laugh my ass off. Watching these polite Southerners. Polite Southerners. Who knows? You know, you always got to wonder if one of them's in the clan, but whatever. I'll outwardly polite fans dealing with dealing with these fucking Eagles fans. And what's funny is I actually think the Saints are going to win.

Because every time I go to a athletic event and it's against a Philly team, even if I was for the Philly team, because I love the flyers, their fans are so fucking obnoxious. By the end of it, I'm rooting for them to lose. But they always end up winning. They've won every time. I went to a Bruins Flyers game with my mother. And they were sitting right behind me, four of them down low, total fucking assholes.

And the hiccups are coming back. Dude, I literally, I have a sore esophagus. A fucking sore windpipe, literally like it was doing sit-ups. Can you take bear for that? All right, how awful is your job you still listen to this? Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. That's it.

That is it. Let me hit stop. Okay, fuck you. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cyrillus, along with all NS Noveltees.

Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cyrillus in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cyrillus.com.