Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-22

Episode Date: December 31, 2022

Bill rambles with the lovely Nia about Bill's pneumonia, urgent care, and being dramatic. Thursday Afternoon Podcast - (00:00 - 41:50) Thursday Afternoon Throwback - (41:50 - 01:47:45) (12-29-14) Bill rambles about a food crack house, cleaning out his garage, and getting mugged in Moscow. Anything Better NFL Week 17 Preview & Picks - (01:48:15)  

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Haven't been able to do that in a while. You know why? Because old freckles finally went to the doctor. Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I've got some pneumonia in my freckled lungs. Sorry. Anyway, as promised, you know, I mentioned on the Monday morning podcast that I felt a certain way about the way the lovely Nia was or possibly was not taking care of me. Oh, we're backtracking a little. Go ahead. Well, I didn't want to just hit the ground running. I wanted to give you a, you know, I'm teasing it here, Neil. Okay.

I'm a professional. Yeah. You know, there was, you know, a moment there. Professional asshole. Wait, you know how there's a thing out there that women say a lot is that guys are babies when they're sick. And at one point you said to me that you felt I was being dramatic and I'm laying in bed and I'm thinking to myself like I have fucking pneumonia. First of all, I didn't say that you were being dramatic. I said that you were having a pity party. And also this is before we knew that you had pneumonia. So can we just jump in?

Yeah. And what was my pity party? All right, I will explain that. See, first of all, just relax. No, I'm not relaxed. Oh, shit. I need to come on here and defend myself because I didn't listen to your little trash ass podcast on Monday. But I know what you said about me. I didn't say anything. I said a few things.

Let me explain a few things. Please do because I'm a little confused over here. Yeah, you're very confused about a lot of things. Oh, snap. When you get sick, who's all over you trying to get you better? And don't say nobody because we know that that's not true. That's the first answer I thought of. Really?

I'm always bringing you water, bringing you tea. Take this, take this, take this. And you're like, what? What is this? What are you having me take? What does it do? What? Like you're always pushing back.

I tell you, rest. You need to just chill out. You need to do nothing all day. You are crazy and you can't do that. You're like, ah, I'm going to go play drums for like half an hour. You're out there for an hour. Boo, ba, boo, ba, boo, ba, boo, ba, boo. And it's just like, you're not taking the time to.

And then when I get sick, I'm like, shut everything down. I don't do shit. I can feel how annoyed you are at me, but that's why I get over stuff quickly. I don't get annoyed at you when you get sick. You get annoyed at me. I can tell you have like a little like thing with me where I'm like, I have a cough. I'm not going to do anything. And you're kind of look at me like, ooh, because you and your scrunches shoulders up.

Like that whole thing that you do, that whole German Irish, let's just plow through it type of thing. And I can be feeling miserable, but I won't do anything about it. That's the thing. You won't do anything about it. You really thought about this. Because I was going to come on here and defend myself. Whenever you get sick, I am always telling you, you need to drink more water. Take this and take that.

You're always pushing back on me. You never listen to me about just being still and resting and trying to sleep. You're on your phone. What is this? You're on your phone or computer watching your 10th like, you know, top 10 crocodile attacks from 2017 or whatever weirdo videos. It's a great year for crocodile attacks. Whatever weirdo videos you're watching or with some monotone guy being like, Jimi Hendrix was born and blah, blah, blah, blah. And like doing some weird like documentary things that you watch on YouTube.

You're not really resting yourself and you don't get better. So you had a cold to begin with. You had a cold. Yes. Had a respiratory infection. Who said that? Did you go to a doctor? No, I went on the internet.

Until I made you go to urgent care? First of all, the reason- You went on the internet and what? Well, people told me that there was that- People who? People who got sick. Okay. So that there was that thing that wasn't COVID because at first I thought I had COVID and then it wasn't COVID.

But I could feel it was in my chest and they said there's something going around. It's a cough that lasts for 10 days. It's a respiratory virus thing. RSV. RSV. So I feel like I had that and because I was editing a fucking movie and doing a stand-up tour and getting ready for fucking Thanksgiving in the holiday season. Do be do be do. I didn't have time to go to the doctor.

Okay. Fine. You didn't have to go to the doctor. That's what I was saying. Because we thought we were just sort of dealing with, yeah, an RSV cold situation. But I did tell you- Wait a minute. We didn't think that.

I just told you that I had that and now you're acting like you were in on that. Okay. I just thought that you had a cold and then yes, it developed into pneumonia because you had to go on the road and you had to do this. But did you or did you not tack on a Vegas trip after your last tour? The Vegas trip was already on the books. Okay. My buddies from high school, we came out. You know, they don't give you tickets anymore.

It's all on your phone. It was all on my phone. Okay. If I didn't go out there, that was going to happen. And then I stated, Bally's total fitness fucking casino. And for whatever reason, the heat wasn't working in my room and they had the air conditioning cranked because it was switching over from Bally's to the horseshoe. They had horseshoes in the carpet. Did you ask anybody to come up and fix your things?

I did. I did and they did. And how many cigars did you smoke on that trip? One. Okay. Then you came home. I didn't know I had pneumonia. Of course.

You didn't know that you had pneumonia. I was over at Cesus and they treated me right, dude. And then you came home and you had another outing that you did with some family. How many cigars did you smoke then? Three quarters of one. Three quarters of one. Okay. Now.

That's like nothing for me. The next day, I told you because you were feeling terrible, you were coughing violently. I told you to go to urgent care. Why was it violently? You were coughing violently because you sounded like... I had a really bad cough. Well that seems like you're the victim in that. It feels like you're the victim.

No, no. It's not about victims. It's about how harsh it was. You were coughing violently. You were coughing like you had the fucking plague. I said to you, you should go to urgent care. I was coughing so hard I got a headache. Yes.

I told you you should go to urgent care. You went out and had coffee with some people instead. And I said to you while you're out... I wasn't going to go to urgent care while my family was in town and make them fucking sit there for three hours while some guy gave me penicillin. But while they were here visiting, you did go upstairs and you were in your room for like three hours chilling out as you should have. But I'm just saying, if you were willing to spend that time to do that here, you could

have gone to urgent care. You didn't cough. No, but he was leaving the next day. So I went then. I went then. Okay. I went then. But what is this shit?

When was I being like overly dramatic or having a pity party? Because... Oh, I remember. I remember because I was fucking sick and you don't stop your plans. You still go out. You put on your big Elton John glasses and you happy knew your hat. You're like, okay. And you drop a cup of fucking Alka Seltzer in a fucking glass of water and then now all

of a sudden you're Florence Nightingale. But what more am I supposed to do for you other than make sure you have what you need and then like... You wait. You wait till you get pneumonia. No, no, no, no. And I still go out. No, no, no, no.

You wait till I get pneumonia. I still go out. And then when you bitch about it, I say you're having a pity party. No, no, no. What do you mean no? There's no no there. There's no no there. There's no no there.

You started going on about how I wasn't taking care of you and this and that and the other when that was... You sent up that fucking airport level fucking room temperature, untoasted bagel. And I had to ask our daughter to go down and get me something to eat. I pulled up the text messages of when you asked me for a bagel. I texted you two minutes later because by the way, I was setting up a whole bagel platter for your family and feeding our children because you were upstairs sick. I answered you two minutes later and I said, do you want just the bagel or do you want

capers and logs and the bagel sandwich? And you said bagel sandwich. So I made it. I gave it to our daughter. She brought it up to you while I could stay downstairs with her son and your daughter. That bagel did not come until I asked our daughter to go downstairs and get it. Text or no text. She didn't ask me for it.

Well, maybe she forgot to ask me for it, but she didn't ask me for it. I agree to disagree, but I can tell you right now, I felt, I felt like I was flying Southwest Airlines that level. That fucking bagel. It looks like it was in somebody's back pocket. Well, I didn't make the bagel. Of course you didn't. You postmated it.

I didn't. Somebody brought it over and I like reheated it and made a whole bagel sandwich. The point is, my point is with you, when it constantly... Don't fucking point your face at me. If you're sick, you will still go out and do the things that you want to do. It's called working and providing for a family. Now, I'm not talking about work. I'm talking about every other little extracurricular thing that you think that you can handle.

What the fuck else did I do? For the last seven fucking weeks, I went golfing once and I went to a football game. That's it. Other than that... You went to football game. You went to Vegas. You had a whole, like, Vegas trip. I'm not saying that you were out all night crowzing because I know you don't do...

I wasn't. I was in Bali's coffin. My fucking brain's out. And I'm worried about the person who has that fucking room after me. Oh, were you worried about us when you were coughing into the blanket that we have on the couch that we all snuggle with when you were coughing into it? Oh, let's get into that. Let's get into that.

Then what I said to you, stop coughing into the blanket. You had the nerve to be annoyed at me and, like, look at your brother and be like, people can believe this. Like, it's wildly... Because I'll tell you, once you knew... You knew I... But you knew I was fucking sick. You knew I was...

Time out. You knew I was fucking sick. Yes. And then when you knew I had pneumonia, you were still going, can you help bring the fucking kids' table up from the basement? Can you put the fucking star in the tree? Can you do this? Every time I sat down, you made me get up like I was fucking...

It's not lies. It's lies. Oh, my God. All right. All right. But when you... Okay. And this whole thing was after I had forced you to go to urgent care and sat in urgent

care and waited with you while you got everything... You didn't force me. I had the time to do it and I did it. That doesn't... But this is my point. You have to make the time for your health. I can't care more... No, that is right.

You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. Okay? But I'm saying... And you have a history... Can I finish a fucking thought? No, no. No, you can't.

You have a history of not taking the time to take care of yourself and then when it gets really, really bad, somehow I'm at fault because I'm not taking care of you enough. All right. Time out. When the fuck... When was the last time I got that fucking sick? Years. Yeah, years.

Years. Yeah. I got COVID this earlier, this fucking year. I didn't fucking say anything. I had no pity part. I didn't fucking anything. All right? You weren't as sick with COVID as you were with the pneumonia.

That's for sure. Yeah. And you were still the fucking job bank. Just giving out fucking jobs like I was at the unemployment office. I don't understand why this idea of you being like an equal partner in this relationship and having like duties... I'm not an equal partner. I'm your personal assistant.

You're not my... And I feel like women, a lot of you think that we're babies when we get sick because you guys go fucking above and beyond when the kids get sick but when your husband gets sick, you're just looking at it like why is the personal assistant not personally assisting right now? No, that's not what it is. It's because you are... You guys are fucking stubborn about doing what you need to do in order to get sick and

to get better. Providing a... Providing for a family. Everybody, that's providing for a family, finishing a tour in a fucking movie. Go. No, that's not what it is. You think if I had all the November off, I wouldn't have gone over to fucking urgent care?

You took time off from doing ADR because you were sick. So you were clearly made a choice to not go do certain work... But I didn't realize I was that sick. I know, but my point is you still have to like do that every single time. And then when it gets worse, that's when it starts, I feel like... So then when it gets worse... ...and babyish happens, when from the jump, you should have been doing the things that I've been telling you and we go through this every time you get sick.

When did I complain? Wait, get the fuck out of it. When did I complain? That whole fucking time. Wait, but get the fuck out of it. I never complained. Okay, when would you say that you started complaining? When you started to feel like somewhere along the line, I just sort of like left you out

to dry and like didn't care about you. I felt that once we knew I had pneumonia, I thought that I was gonna get pneumonia attention. And I felt I got head... Williams pneumonia? Williams pneumonia. You immediately gave me a hilarious nickname, but I didn't feel like I got even remotely. I got like... You treated me like I had a fucking sore throat, you had me going up and down a goddamn ladder

on a fucking tree. What's wrong with you? I didn't have... When did you go up and down? I just wanted to ask you to put the star on the tree. Knowing I had pneumonia. Can I ask you a question? Do you have the ability to unfold a fucking step ladder?

Time out, time out. I'm not tall enough. Huh? I'm not tall enough. I tried to do it myself. I'm not tall enough. And the tree you got was leaning back, so I couldn't get the top... I got the Fat Joe one.

The what? I got the Fat Joe tree. Lean back. Oh god. No. All right, whatever. You know, I'm not going to fucking ask you for shit. How about that?

Phoebe. You fucking warm-ass goddamn bagel. That looked like somebody fucking stepped on it. I hope you know... The only thing that was missing was that bullshit saran wrap that you find at those fucking things where they got that tuna fish sandwich, one of those pre-made sandwiches at the airport. That's what the fuck he sent up. Happy pneumonia.

I did what I needed to do. Yeah, you took a glass of water and you put two fucking cold medicine things in there. You gave me some bullshit bagel with fucking half a flounder on it and some capers. And you said, go to fucking urgent care. And other than that, we're just going to progress like it's normal fucking business. You're still going to do all the fucking jobs I need you to do once I need you to do for the fucking holidays. And when everything's finally all set and the family's sitting down and fucking the

grinch is carving up the fucking goose, you then said to me, and I said, I got a splitting headache. You go to bed. Yeah. Yeah, get the fuck out of here after I did all of that work. Unbelievable. Did all that work? You brought the table up with my father's help.

It's not like you did it by yourself. You had somebody else helping you put it up. You could have easily done that with him. It wasn't heavy. It was just awkward. I was doing other stuff. What? Oh, delegating?

Is delegating? How many calories do you burn delegating? I don't know. I hope it's a lot though, because I do a lot of delegating. You are a good delegator. So bringing a child-sized table up with my father and putting a star on the tree is asking you to do all these jobs. Oh, no, there was all kinds of other fucking things.

Like what? I don't remember. Every time I sat down, you're like, can you do this? Can you do that? Like literally is my ass hit the fucking seat. Don't cough into the blanket. Put the star on the thing. Can you help with this?

Can you fucking go get this? Why would you cough into the blanket on the couch that we all snuggle with? You coughed into the blanket and you got annoyed with me for telling you to not cough in the blanket. Everybody knows. That's not why I got annoyed. Why I got annoyed was the 90 things that preceded that. And then on top of that, you're talking to me about how I need to be sick.

Okay? It was- How you need to be sick? Yeah, like don't cough here. Cough over there. I'm just saying not to cough in the blanket. Fine. Well clearly we still have very different opinions.

I thought there was something in that fine. I thought there was something in that fine. What do you mean? It made my heart like, you know, you know, warm a little bit. You went fine as if you could maybe see just a little bit. A little bit. Phil, Phil, you know that I'm obsessed with you. You know that I want you to be healthy.

I want you to be okay. Whenever you feel sick, I feel like I am very much there to be like, take this, take this, take this. Okay, time out. I have to get over the shock of the word obsessed. You're obsessed with me? Not like to you, to your face, but like- Oh that shit.

Well you say all these wonderful things to other people, but never to me. I guess so. So I can keep my insecurity up so I can write another hour and go on the road. You guys like me? Do you still like me? Is that the method of the fucking- All right, let's get on to something better. You crushed it with the holiday music.

I still love you. All right? Of course you do. What's coming? You're not good with pneumonia. I still love God. And neither are you. And I still love you.

I had it. Yeah. Who's good with pneumonia? What was I supposed to be doing? Going to the- Nia, I was going down the fucking stairs. I was cleaning out the fucking drains when it was going to rain out here so we wouldn't have a goddamn fucking shit backing up in the goddamn driveway with fucking pneumonia.

And all I had for nourishment was that airport fucking bagel you gave me. I was trying to give you a soft bagel sandwich, not a crunchy thing. I was trying to make a soft, but you didn't like it, so that's fine, but I didn't bring those bagels. Nia, it looked like the fucking guy who drove over with those bagels had his elbow on it on the armrest. Well, I'm sorry about the bagel sandwich. Okay.

The presentation was a fucking zero. Okay. The presentation was a zero, but I also had to make a bagel board for everybody else and do the whole thing. Okay? Well, maybe next time- Well, maybe next time- On the slack, on the slack of like perfect bagel.

Wait, what are you talking about? You fucking postmated it. What are you- Postmated. On the bagel board? I didn't postmate it. Postmated. You just took it out of a brown paper bag.

My friend's father, my dad's friend brought it over. All those bagels over for us. It's like a happy holidays thing. Okay. So you answered a door. No, he came over and had dinner or whatever. It doesn't matter. Okay?

You didn't like the bagel. Fine. But I need you to not be going on your podcast and telling people that I'm not taking care of you when you're sick because that is not true. What are you talking about? That's why I'm here. It led to this podcast and everybody laughing at you trashing me. I don't know.

I just feel like they're going to think there's just two people yelling at each other and it's not entertaining. What are you talking about? First of all, I'm taking all this time off and I'm excited. Yes. About spending time with you. Yes. I'm excited too.

All right. You've never been, like for you to be as home as long as you are, that's never happened in our relationship that you've been home that long. Other than COVID, but then that was, that wasn't comfortable because we didn't know what was going to happen. Right. But now we know. Now we know what's going to happen.

Half the country's going to do one thing, the other half's going to do the other thing and they're all going to yell at each other and everybody's 100% right even though nobody's a doctor. And if the doctor says something, then you don't listen to it because they're fucking pieces of shit, but somebody who isn't a doctor actually has your back. That's what I learned throughout all of that shit. Yes. Anyway, and if people want to do that, I don't give a fuck at this point.

I really don't. Are you feeling better? Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. We didn't talk about before you knew you had pneumonia, I was able to get you some medication, some like antibiotics and stuff through my doctor. We didn't talk about that. Did you mention that?

Yeah, but no, because you did that because you were sick and then you got me some too. So you don't get 100% credit on that one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not how it came up. It was you were sick and you can go back and again, I can pull up the receipts and you can see the text message to my doctor saying, this is what happened, blah, blah, blah, blah, do you have that? Neha Renee Hill, name that tune. Pull it up.

All right, I'll pull it up right now. All right, but before we do, I want to talk about, you know, you always crush it with the holiday music. And what was that new album that you had? Yes, my gift is you by Cinelew, that's my friend, Angelique Cinelew. She goes by Cinelew, that's C-I-N-E-L-U. And she put out an amazing, like, jazzy holiday album that is just so good. Like it's so fucking talented.

No, it's great because I'm so sick and I'm so sick of all those other fucking songs. The same holiday songs. And then whenever somebody like puts out a holiday album, I feel like everybody's trying to be like, oh, Mariah Carey gets fucking paid everything. And they just do like a standard and it always stinks. And you just end up going back to the same fucking five songs that I am so goddamn sick of. And then you put that thing on, I was immediately, I was like, who's this?

Yeah. You got a talented friend there. Oh, she's amazing. So I suggest everyone. It's available on iTunes. So next year. Yeah, Spotify. Next year, because Neha, she knows all the cool shit.

So next year, you know, if you want to be that person with the interesting Hollywood party, Christmas party, said holiday holiday is what I want to say. Holiday party. Like, ooh. Yeah. Who is this? Yeah. Download her album now.

It's still kind of holiday-ish. People still have their lights up. Give it a listen. It's really chill. And it's actually just good music to have on. It doesn't feel like, oh God, here comes Christmas. I love them. She sings one of them.

She sings all in French. Yes. What song was that one? She sings Silent Night in French. I mean, come on. It's beautiful. You want to have Clash? Download that.

All right. Let me do the... But just to go back to the point I was originally making, I did get you medication before we knew that it would. And it was like from a doctor. So again, the narrative that I'm not taking care of you and I'm not on top of it when you're sick is completely false. And I need you to say that.

No, no, no. Right now. I'm not the... You were saying... Because you're feeding the trolls that already don't like me and you're like, and she made them a terrible bagel. So I'm going to be hearing about this fucking bagel sandwich for all of 2023. I know all of you listening are so excited to throw this bagel story into my...

Can I tell you something? First of all, 99% of them are excited that you're on because they love listening to you trash me, which you did. And I wasn't saying that you didn't take care of me. It was that you were suggesting that on some level I was having a fucking pity party when I had pneumonia. It's just, you know, I think that's a little, you know. But by the way, you crushed it for Christmas.

Thank you. That Patriot starter jacket, the Reissue Static Jacket, you know what, and on the inside, they have like stitched in there. I don't know if you saw it, all their Super Bowl champions? No. No. I just knew you wanted a starter jacket. And I remember in eighth grade, like the boys that had starter jackets, like those were

like, those were like the cool guys. Well, I'll tell you, every guy that I showed that to, all my buddies back east, back, my family back east, they all flipped out like, dude, that's the fucking shit. So there you go. All right. What else? I got you a lot of good gifts. You got me an espresso cappuccino machine.

Can we talk about that for a second? Okay. I am... You're welcome. Yes. Thank you. No, I'm really... What's the problem now?

What are we going to complain about now? What's the issue? The issue is that I've told you before, I can't bring the devil in the house because the devil wins. Okay. And the issue is I'm going to learn how to make a fucking unbelievable cappuccino and espresso. And I'm...

You're going to be hearing that thing going at two in the morning. I got a fucking script idea. And I'm going to be like, fucking, you know, liquid cocaine bill walking around the house. And this is the thing too, you know, I'm always too wound up for you. And you went ahead and got me, I mean, you might as well just got me fucking steroids from the 80s. Why don't we put it... Why don't we put it in after this break so that you're on the road and you're home and

every now and again, you can have your cappuccino as opposed to being home for months and you're just going to be slamming it down every day. Well, no, here's the thing. I go 10 days, the first 10 days every month, I don't fuck with that shit. Okay. So that keeps me, you know, not... It keeps everything... It keeps all my things.

You know, if you've noticed, like, I barely smoke cigars now. It's because I take those 10 days off and then I don't have it like, you know, sort of clawing on at me, you know, getting that scratch, you got a itch, right? So now cigars, I have them exactly where I want them to be. They're an event. Like New Year's Day, I'm hanging out at Bartnicks, you know, me, your dad and everybody going over there, we're going to watch the fucking Winter Classic. I'm going to sit there, I'm going to have a root beer, I'm going to have a fucking cigar

and that's going to be it. And then, I mean, technically it's January 1st, so I'll just go the 2nd to the 11th. I always go like 10 days, or maybe I just won't do anything up until, you know, whatever, the next couple days, the next two and a half days, I won't fucking do anything. I'm definitely not having a cigar or anything like that. So I have all of that stuff under control. So I'll just look at that espresso machine, which I am, you know, you know, I love a gadget. So I'm very excited about that.

It's very fancy. Yeah, it's very fancy. And if you don't think that I'm going to get one of those fucking knitted-hatted baristas. Are you going to wear a beanie and like an apron and do the whole like hipster barista thing? I don't think I'm skinny enough to pull that off. I think I got to go somewhere else. Although I do think there's something funny about me wearing my Pat Stata jacket. While making a cappuccino?

Well, let's go to something else here. I am so excited to have this fucking time off because I want to go to the movies with you. I want to walk down the street and hold you pretty little fucking hand, talk about the movies and do all that. That's all I want to do. I did two years with the work last year and ended in pneumonia and I'm taking a couple of months off and I'm hanging out with you.

And I mean, I might be fucking juiced up from that machine. Here's my question. Are you still going to do spots around town or are you just going to like nothing? No, no, I have to do because I got to keep the act where it needs to be. So there's sort of these outside rooms or whatever and the store that I feel like once a week I'm going to run my 90 minutes that I have. And then I'm also kind of going to fuck around and maybe try to write like a new hour just to do it, just to fuck around.

So you don't have to worry that I'm going to be in your hair the whole time. Even though we do have a new show. Yes, that we're watching. George and Tammy. George and Tammy. Oh my God. Are you guys watching George and Tammy on Showtime? It's really good.

It's incredible. We're like, we're behind. So we're like, we're watching it every night. Yeah, we're just watching it every night to like get fully caught up. But it's really good. It is romantic in the beginning, sort of, but then it's like, I don't know. It's totally romantic. I'm just looking at them like, just lay off the booze, dude.

Yeah. And treat it like a queen. You're going to be fine. Right. Because you see it, like the two actors that are in that, the way they play that chemistry. Their chemistry is amazing. Is insane. Oh, it's so good.

Yeah. That was funny last night when we would go to bed and I was saying like, and you said to me, do you really think that's a love story? Yeah, it was romantic. And I was sitting there going like, Oh God. What's the right answer? Yeah. What's the right answer?

Because I feel like it is, but he also just, you know, slammed the board game off in front of all of her friends, stupid book and game. And then, you know, we got like a little handsy when he got drunk. A little handsy, he threw into the side of the wall, he threw into the side of the house. I feel like as long as no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, just, just proceed with caution here. I feel if that was hockey, that's two minutes roughing or maybe boarding, it's not five minutes for fighting.

It's not hockey is the comparison is not if George did that to Crosby. Let's compare Crosby to Tammy Wynette, right? Sydney Crosby. He's this big pouty lip guy that plays for Pittsburgh that, you know, complained a lot. Now he's cool because now he's sort of older and he has a mean streak in his game. But you know, he's kind of like if a guy in a boy band was like the greatest hockey player on earth. And then you had the other guy, you had the Russian there over, over in Washington, DC.

So it's kind of like Rocky four with a Canadian and a Russian. So anyway, I don't care. I'm just saying if that was a hockey game, he would get two minutes for that. And if that was Bergeron or a goal scorer, like I feel Tammy Wynette is, she's, I feel like, you know, she's good with the stick, which is why George likes her. Oh my goodness. George would have to fight somebody. Either that game or down the road, there would be a price to pay.

Well, he didn't beat her. He got belligerently drunk and was violent and throwing things around all over their place. And then he threw her into the side. He went beast mode. He went. He went beast mode. It was like that run fucking sports analogy or that that dude that Seattle Seahawks should

have handed the ball to and didn't. Oh God. All right. I'm leaving this part. What are you talking about? Because you start becoming, I don't know, what is it, sports center or whatever, whatever that shit is. And you start referencing.

What are we going to do about your like 50 Boston sports t-shirts that you have? How are we going to transition out of that look at a like high school coach, baby? Time out. I trained just out of a little 10 years ago. I don't have any. What Boston fucking shit do I have? You don't have like still all those like Patriots and Red Sox and stuff shirts in your drawer. No.

You don't have that. You got rid of all that. I got them shrink wrapped under the bed there. Oh, is that what those are? Yeah. Those are jerseys and all kinds of shit. Okay. Yeah.

You were like, dude, you're fucking dressing like a sixth grader and I was like a coach like a like a little league coach. That's what you said. And I was like, you know what? She's right. My dad always had a suit on with fucking gold told socks and wingtips. Like I should. Gold told socks.

Yeah. Oh, gold told socks. Yeah. I, you know, I should be dressing more like a fucking adult. I went with you on that. I feel like you and my dad have that in common because my grandfather was always very dapper and always dressed up and I think there's something about that that my dad wanted to rebel against.

But you see, I had to like upgrade his shit a little bit too, because he was getting a little too. My dad was not dapper. He just had a suit because he had a suit job and then he came home and had no casual clothes and would just strip down to his tidy whiteies and t-shirt and walk around the house like that with socks on. He would no pants on. No, my whole childhood.

If he was home, he was just walking around in his underwear because he had no shorts or whatever. Jeans. He has jeans now. I've seen him. Yeah. He has jeans now, but he didn't back then. No, he didn't.

He just fucking walked around. And the tidy whiteies. Yep. The tidy whiteies, full on 70 style. Well, that's what you did. You had a company car, you came home, you got out of your slacks, used to sit down at the dinner table. In his underwear?

Forever. And it was finally like, we finally, at one point, my mother brought it up, who was just like, no, like some, one of my brothers brought it up. We like, she realized like, because we just, he'd been doing it since we were little kids and I would notice it was finally like 10 years and finally looking like, dad, why do you come to the fucking table in your underwear? If you used to walk around and when you would fuck up, he would come in, in his underwear and socks.

Hey, what the fuck's going on in here? Have you finished your homework? Well, why not? And I would sit there talking to him like he had clothes on. Do you think if you and your brothers came downstairs in your underwear to eat that he would know that? That's what my mother said. My mother said, one night we should all come downstairs and see if he even noticed.

He would laugh and he wouldn't give a fuck. He never gave. I told you that time we actually made him watch the great Santini thinking that he would get it, that he could ease up a little bit and he didn't. He thought the guy was great and then he just walked around the house going, I am the great Santini. I don't know what that is. That's this Robert DeVall one where he's this military guy, a guy's guy, but he doesn't

know how to ease up at home and he's overly harsh and doesn't need to be. And this was our little, hey dad, hey, maybe you could take your foot off the accelerator. Right. But he went away with the other lesson, which is like. He watched it like it was a feel good movie. Like it was a rom-com, whatever the fuck they say, whatever, you know, the man grew up in the 40s and 50s. He did a great job.

So anyway, let me do some of the reads here for this week. So I don't. How long is this podcast going to be? You don't want, this is, this is the 30 minute podcast, right? I'm not going to take up too much time there. 32 minutes. All right. We crushed it.

And by the way, I don't feel like we were just yelling at each other. Okay. I feel like we worked it out. Okay. Yeah. No, I feel good about it. We worked it out. Next time I will go, I don't want to get pneumonia.

Do I look like the kind of guy that wants to get pneumonia? I don't. No, no. I don't think any of us want to live through that again. So why don't we. Wait. What is this us? Well, I guess people in the podcast are sick.

I think the goal for 2023 is that we've got to get you like a doctor, but we have to get you someone. Dude, I'm not getting a fucking doctor. Someone that you can call and who can call it because you are on the road all the time. It's simply safe. Everybody is shaking people's hands and doing all this shit. You need to be healthy. So we need to work on getting somebody that's going to be accessible for you as soon as

you start sniffling. Someone can be right there. And why do you want, why do you want to do that for me? Because I love you. Thank you. And I don't want you to be. Thank you. Under the weather.

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H-E-L-I-X. All right. That's it. Happy New Year, everybody. Thank you for another incredible year. Thank you guys for watching the stuff that I do, coming out to my shows. I have such an incredible time doing shows for you guys. So I plan on doing many more in 2023, possibly some overseas ones, definitely one in a country

that I've never been to before that's along the Mediterranean. I'm teasing them, Nia. I'm not going to say what it is. All right. Please listen to the music picked up by the wonderful Andrew Thamelis and then we'll have a bonus half hour episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning morning podcast. Yes.

We're not done yet because I went back to look at when I texted my doctor about getting you antibiotics. You were sick, too. And you were saying, oh, you only did that because you were sick, too. So this is the night of Thanksgiving. This is Thursday, November 24th at 9.15 p.m. Wait, hold on a second. Okay.

Happy Thanksgiving, doctor. I hope you're having a wonderful holiday. I'm so sorry to bother you on a holiday and feel free to answer me tomorrow, but Bill has an awful cough that he can't seem to shake. He's got to do- Lack of urgency. He's got to do. It was Thanksgiving. Get back to me when you can.

At nine o'clock at night. I shouldn't have been texting him at that hour, but I did, but Bill has an awful cough that he can't seem to shake. He's got to do ADR on his movie. You wouldn't happen to be able to get him any antibiotics or anything, would you? This Nyquil is just not cutting it. Let me know and thank you. He replied to me the next morning at 4.14 a.m., okay?

And he asked for the number, for the Walgreens closest to us. Yep. Yep. What's this yet? What symptoms does he have? I gave him your date of birth. Stuff he knows. All severe cold symptoms.

Can I read this? I'm just scrolling. I'm just pointing out. All right. Can we have a little happy- This is on Thanksgiving that I did this for you, on Thanksgiving night, when I should not be texting anybody and bother, but I did that because I knew that you- I want to thank you for sending a text.

All right. Can we have a middle ground here? Yes. You definitely did some things to help me, okay? Okay. Yes. All right? Mm-hmm.

So I'll give you that. Yes. But this whole thing of me having a pity party. I didn't have a pity party. I had the opposite of a pity party. I finished a fucking tour in a movie with pneumonia. Okay. Can I get a little fucking props there?

Absolutely. Playing hurt? I was playing hurt. Absolutely. All right. You were playing hurt. Thank you. Thank you.

So thank you for that mushed up bagel and the two text messages you sent over a seven-week period. That was incredible. Mwah. All right. All right. New years, everybody. We're back on solid ground here.

Yes. See? And that's how you, that's how you have a fight. You do it over a podcast. You do it over a podcast. Happy new year. All right. That's it.

All right. I guess the next time I'll talk to you guys will be next year. So yeah. Happy new year. Have a great weekend and party safe. You cunts. I'll see you. I'm going to go.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barr. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, December 29th, 2014. This is about as loud as I'm going to get, by the way. I might even bring it down here.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, let me tell you, last week was a rough one, you know? I actually have a bunch of relatives over at my house and they're still all sleeping because, you know, they went out last night and I'm an old man. I'm an old man. I was in bed by fucking 1030. Fucking Verzi called me driving back from the clubs. I think I fell asleep twice during his conversation and it was funny.

He was like, I would wake back up to him going like, dude, did I lose you? And I would wake up and I would immediately lie and just be like, no, no, no, I'm listening. I'm listening. And I woke up this morning mad at myself like, why did I feel the need to lie there? What am I practicing for when like I really need to lie? What's wrong with saying, yeah, I fell asleep. Was I concerned about Paul Verzi's feelings? Like Paul, I find you so boring that I was wide awake at the beginning of that sentence.

And by the end of it, I was asleep. That wasn't the case. It was late at night. I was an old man. I had a big steak dinner. Oh my God. Oh, Billy fat face is fucking back. All right.

I have been eating like a fucking maniac. I've been cooking bacon, like a little twinkle toes there. And I've just been shoving everything down my pie hole. Oh, fat face. Billy is back. Like remember when they did back to the future, the sequels, they shot part two and part three at the same time. That's how my fat face is coming back.

It's like I'm, I'm making part two and part three. What'd you make Bill? None of your fucking business, but I'll tell you anyways. And I'm actually, I'm actually going to make a, a turkey pot pie today. Like, you know, it's fucking, you know, it's cold out. I'm a pussy now at this point. It's like 58 degrees. I'm like, oh my God, it's a little chilly.

I love some turkey pot pie. And I'm going to go out in the kitchen. I'm going to put on, this is how far I've changed since you guys have listened to this podcast. I'm going to unapologetically walk out into my kitchen, put on a fucking apron. All right. And I'm going to, I'm going to try this. I'm trying to make a flaky crust. What do you think about that?

You know what? I love how uncomfortable it's making you right now. Not you, the other people. If you're not uncomfortable, I don't give a fuck, but the rest of you, the rest of you people are so fucking homophobic. You can't listen to another man say flaky crust. I'm going to say it again. I'm going to go out in the kitchen.

I'm going to put on an apron and I'm going to make a flaky crust. And I have, I'm actually sort of embarrassed at the level of excitement that I have to fucking try this, this thing out. Cause I usually just use shortening. I never use butter. So we'll see how it works out. Other than that, the fucking, the inside is the fucking easiest, right? What do you got there?

You got the trinity of fucking shit, right? The fucking, what do you got? Your carrots, your celery, your fucking garlic onions. All right. You stick them in some butter, right? Make sure they're clear. Fucking stir them a little bit. Then you add some other bullshit, another bullshit, right?

And then you throw it in the fucking, the crust. There you go. And then you put it in there and you tell everybody to get out in the kitchen and fucking eat something. All right. And then as they say, oh my God, this is delicious. You feign humility. Well, you know, just something like, just whip it up, you know.

Oh, did you like it? Oh, that's great. That's great. You can leave the room so you guys can all talk about how awesome I am. All right. I'm being too loud here, being too loud, my own fucking house. But this is what I've actually done. Okay.

If you're like me right now and you are in the depth of a sugar salt downward spiral. Okay. And you're waking up in the morning like that classic Stevie Ray Vaughn story. You ever hear that story when he was so like addicted to alcohol and drugs? It was like four in the morning and he's standing in an alley somewhere in Europe. And he's puking up blood. And when he's done, he looks at his buddy and he said, I need a drink. That's how I feel right now with this fucking, the shit that I've been eating.

You know, and I've actually traced it back. It went back to that pork chop I had. That's what threw me off the rails. I was doing well. And then I had a fucking pork chop with, and I gave it a little butter bath. And that was it. That sounded so fucking gay. I know.

I gave a butter bath to a pork chop and put it in a little, in those little fucking towels with the hoodie on it that you do for a baby. I did that to my little pork chop. I don't know why I'm doing this to you guys. It's like I hate myself. So I want to make you guys uncomfortable with all these horrible fucking images. I'm sorry. All right.

Jesus. That's got to be a record. Five minutes in, I'm already apologizing to you. So, um, so I've been doing this weird thing where I've been eating like shit yet forcing myself to go work out. And, uh, you know, when you're eating like shit and you're trying to work out, your body's just like, dude, I don't want to fucking do this. You know, if you're eating right, your body's like fucking dragging you down there.

So, um, I'm doing that awful middle-aged guy thing where I'm eating like shit. Dude, I did that one day. I think it was two nights ago. I'm sitting around, you know, it's the usual thing, right? The trees look, you know, looking sad because everyone stopped watering it. Right. The Christmas tree really lives the life of a fucking boy band. You know what I mean?

It's discovered and it's a fucking star and then it's over and it all goes down in like a month. So now my tree is sitting there starting to wilt. Right. There's a bunch of leftovers in the fridge. Everybody's just fucking passed out in a food coma in every different room. You mean everybody's just so fucking, it's literally like you're in a crack house, but it's food and everybody's just fucking passed out all over.

You know, you know, half the people's names in your house. In any sense of a schedule, it's just, it's just, there's no everybody sitting down to eat dinner. That was two long days ago. Now it's just, just eat whenever. And I fucking, for dinner one night, I had, I had two bottingtons, two Guinness, um, and then an assortment of dumplings from leftover Chinese food. One chicken, one veggie, one pork, we had three orders and I had two, one or two of each of

those with those four fucking stout beers. And then with the Chinese food, I was so full of salt, I grabbed a slice of pecan pie, put whipped cream on the top of it and shoved that down my pie hole. And then for the rest of the night, for no reason that I could explain medically, my face was hot. I was like, I was walking around, nothing embarrassing was happening, but I felt like I was embarrassed. Maybe as I was embarrassed about what the fuck I was eating.

And then, then the fucking kicker is I then went out and did stand up and I'm on stage with a hot face feeling doing my stand up and basically a walking sugar coma. And um, so yesterday I decided I'm like, you know, I got to get out in front of this fucking thing. All right. Or I'm going to have to roll myself down the walk to get the mail soon. So I, uh, I forced myself, I forced myself to go, uh, to go to this fucking place that serves salads and that type of shit.

And I swear to God, man, that just fucking, it breaks like cold turkey. You get that stuff in you and you're just like, Oh yeah, that's right. That's right. So this morning I woke up, did a quick walk around the block, banged out a hundred push-ups and 60 dips and I'm back in the fucking game, back in the fucking game. Am I? Not really. I had a slice of pie and a whiskey before I went to bed last night.

What the fuck am I doing? Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast and, um, I find it hilarious how many people get annoyed when I sit here and talk about food and diet and that type of thing, but I think it's actually funny and it's also, I know a lot of you guys are going through the same shit and the thing that I've learned is you have to mentally push through the shit. You know you have to go downstairs and work out. You know you got to stop. You got to listen to your fucking brain, not your body that's doing the John Travolta

sweat hogs. Give me drugs. Give me drugs. Um, anyways, but now the construction is finally done on my house. And last night, um, not last night, a couple days ago, I was able to clean out my garage for the first time in fucking forever. So listen to this shit. This is how I cleaned out the garage.

I didn't sweep around shit. I took everything out of the fucking garage. Everything. All right. And then I went in and I swept that thing up like I'm like, you know, as much as I could get up because it's just, it's a garage, you know, and I had like fucking three giant piles of like sawdust because you know, you know, construction on your home after like two, three days, the construction workers, they don't even see it as your home anymore.

It's just their place now. They've just staked their claim and they're leaving fucking, you know, coffee cups and their old ratty sweatshirts all over the fucking place. So they started using my garage to cut shit up and I'm just sitting there like, I don't give a fuck where you cut it up. Just get the goddamn job done. Right. So I had like six months of sawdust and shit in there.

Got all of that out. Then I brought the garden hose in, sprayed down the whole fucking floor. I'd gone to Home Depot and bought one of those fucking squeegees that has a giant mop handle. Right. And then after that brought in a bucket with soap and water and fucking mopped the whole place up and then hosed it back down and squeegee it out again. Right.

Cleaned it out like a fucking marine. Could have eaten, you could have eaten off the fucking floors. All right. Then I brought everything back. I had one pallet left from my fucking DVDs and I kept that thing in case any water gets in there and I got rid of a bunch of shit, put the rest of shit in containers, got it all neatly over in the corner and I got a whole place where I can work out. The whole fucking thing is great and I'm sitting there in the end, all excited, right?

Like at the end of a fucking beer commercial and I'm looking around at my clean fucking garage and all of a sudden I see all the way over in the other corner. I see all this black shit on the wall. I got a white wall and I see this fucking, it looks like a streak of grease in a really weird form. Like what the fuck is that? How did I miss that? So I walk over there to see what it is and I walk up to the wall and I find out it's

like fucking 10,000 little ants that came up from the foundation when I sprayed the water. These are the ones that survived, you know, the great flood or some shit, you know, there's probably some reporter ant down there staying in the water with the fucking trench coat reporting live, but the rest of them all fucking screwed and went up the wall and I just sat there looking at him and go, what do I do now, huh? Do I get raided and just complete the fucking holocaust of this ant hill? Or should I fucking, you know, they just fucking ants, right? I'll just let them go.

Oh, you know what? I just got a fucking text message. I could have fucking predicted this. I could have fucking predicted this. I just, let me get this. This got to be, sorry we beat your patriots. I swear to God, if this comes from Shred and Reagan, who lives out in Buffalo, Shred and Reagan, those two fucking pussies, they are the absolute worst and they're probably playing

this audio right now, giggling like a couple of school girls. They are the absolute worst. You're going to brag about beating the Patriots. Tom Brady then even play in the second half, you assholes. We had to put in our fucking second string of who was it? Jimmy Garafalo with Janine Garafalo's younger brother playing quarterback and you finally beat us. You fucking assholes.

Yeah. They're the worst. You know what's funny? I was actually going to compliment the Buffalo bills because they were kicking our ass when Tom Brady was in there. So there's a lot of ways, if I was a Buffalo bills fan, I could say that if I was you, I'd be like, no, you guys knew you were going to lose. So then you did like that pussy video game thing where the person just quits and says,

well, I wasn't even trying. You know that fucking move. I had no idea that the bills had that kind of a defense. So man, they got like two guys, of course I don't know the fucking names, two guys that have like double digit stacks and then another guy had like five or six, probably had about like nine by the end of the game with the Patriots, but you know, if they could just get a goddamn quarterback out there, who's kidding who if they, if they weren't the Buffalo bills, you know, and I'm not saying that in a disrespectful way, I'm just being honest.

Okay. Having been there as a fan, I lived through all the years of if we weren't the New England Patriots, we would have picked the right guy. And thank God Robert Kraft came along, who I would say is going to be that guy's going to be in the Hall of Fame as an owner without a doubt. Do you realize that guy, the guy has been there for 20 fucking years. He's gone to the Super Bowl six times. He's got three victories.

His three coaching hires are Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick. It's getting to the point if Pete Carroll, I mean, Pete Carroll, if Robert Kraft hires you as a head coach, that's like automatically a plus on your resume. So I believe the bills have new ownership and you know, hopefully that'll work out for it because I really don't, I don't wish it will on any fans unless they're just ridiculous cunts. Like New York Yankee fans were for all those years where they chanted 1918, 1918 and all that, which I get, Curse of the Bay, which I get.

But then when we beat them in 2004, they all ran and hid and none of them would answer there. We saw the Yankee fans. I know none of them would answer their fucking phones. And then they did that bullshit. We got 26. You already have sex. Actually made a t-shirt, 26 to six.

I mean, that was some Kobe Bryant shit. Shaq does it too. What is wrong with you? Just take the loss. You know, anyways, so I'm actually, you know, I was actually, I was happy for Bill's fans. Certain fans, you know, they've suffered enough. Like what did San Diego Charger fans do to the football gods? I hated Charger fans after the one game I went to, and it was basically because one

douchebag behind me, and I realized I was wrong because I know some other people gone down there and they said they had a good time. But generally speaking, I got to tell you, fans on the West Coast and California, they're fucking animals. Fucking animals. Take it way too seriously. You know what I mean? Look at this shit that's happened.

People get stabbed, they get shot, you beat up a fucking dad who's sitting there with his two kids and now he's brain dead. That's the fucking West Coast, man. But I still, I don't wish any, I don't wish ill will on Charger fans. I actually was a huge fan and then back when Dan Fouts, Charlie Joyner, Wes Chandler, Katelyn Winslow, Jesus Christ, wracking my brain. Chuck Munze, Louis Keltcher, right? Dude, he's got size 16 quadruple each cleats.

He's a poor man's job at Tuzek. Oh, by the way, I'm all over the fucking place today. New Year's Day. New Year's Day. The NFL network is running a series of, what is it, football life, you know, behind the jock strap, whatever the fuck they call it. I don't know what the fuck it's called. But they're doing one on Lyle Alzado and a bunch of other people.

Warren Moon's going to be a good one. That'll be a good one because that'll deal with racism in the NFL and why he won. He wasn't fucking drafted and he had to go to the CFL and basically break every record nine million times. And then they finally let him into the NFL and he's got to play with the fucking Houston Oilers. One of my favorite things Warren Moon ever said was when the Houston Oiler defense was calling the Astrodome the house of pain and they kept saying that, saying the house of

pain and he finally said to the defense because he was older than all those punk kids at that point. He goes, look, stop fucking saying that. Okay, because I'm the one that has to pay the price for your shit talking because basically the other defense would come in and be like, oh, we'll show you what the house of pain is. And then they'd be taking extra fucking shots at Warren Moon and you know, the defense, they don't have to take any shots.

They dish out the punishment, which is why I've told you for a zillion times, I've always hated when a cornerback lights up a fucking receiver and then stands over him like Ray Rice over his fiance. It's like the fucking guy, the wide receiver is running full speed, jumps in the air and is looking back in the other direction trying to catch a flying object. Gee, did you lay him out? You know, I don't know. I mean, I like a big hit like anybody else, but that whole standing over him, like you

guys squared off, touched gloves, and then you fucking knocked him out. You know, I don't know like that, but you want to see a great fucking flight. Oh, flight, great fight, I should say. Sorry, I'm all fucking full of sugar. So I'm extra ADD and whatever the fuck else I got going on here. Anybody watch the Bruins Columbus blue jacket game? And we lost six to two. Oh, let me tell you, it was a rough one, you know.

Fucking Lucic, fought this guy Dalton Prout. I guess it was his third bout. I don't know how I missed the first two, but if you just want to see two fucking guys, just two warriors going at it. I mean, it is just a fucking great fight. And I'm not one of these guys in the end because Lucic got in the last punch and landed on top of them. I hate when hockey fans think that that means it's a victory.

When Lucic took a bunch of big shots, too, it was just a fucking heavyweight bout. They fought during the right time of the game. They didn't hurt either team. It was just a fucking old school, two heavyweights just beating the shit. I mean, it was, it was fucking amazing. I felt like less of a man watching it, you know, curling my knees up into my chest. Jesus, they're hitting each other so hard. It was fucking awesome.

So I'm going to definitely post the link to the one from that I just watched last night. I tape all the Bruins games and sometimes there's something else on it. I, you know, can only tape so much shit because I have the old school. You can only take two things at once. So I was a little bit behind, but I'll have all three of those back to the future. One, two and three with Lucic and Proutman. It's I'm not saying that guy's name, right? I'd say Dalton because I don't disrespect the man.

What a fucking, just a fucking great fight. Awesome. Why wasn't I watching the Bruins versus the Blue Jackets? Because I started watching Boston College versus Penn State in the, uh, looking up your skirt bowl, whatever the fuck they were playing in. Something really weird, the pen and pencil set bowl. It's one of those fucking, you know, one of those fucking bowls. So we're in this goddamn thing.

We got these fuckers beat. They can't move the ball. 21 seven were up. It's fucking over their quarterback. You know, he rolls back, you know, looking like a fucking, he's got that good-looking Gerber baby face going on, right? He throws the ball right at our defensive back. The guy goes to slap it down.

He tips it up and the fucking Penn State guy catches it. 21 14. Oh, this was the night I had the four beers, the fucking dumplings in the piece of pie. So I kind of blacked out. I want the fuck happened. The sugar, salt, coma. Next thing I know, it's 21 21 goes into overtime. And my good friend Paul Verzi hates the extra point.

He wants to get rid of the extra point or cause he thinks, he's like, dude, it's so fucking stupid. They make it 99.9% of the time and I'm sitting there going, yeah, but it's the times that they miss it that makes it worth it because it's so fucking dramatic. And, uh, that's what happened. It fucking bit me in the ass this time as a fan, fucking BC goes down over time, gets the ball, imposes their will, lets their presence be known or whatever fucking sports cliche you want to fucking hear about.

They go down, score a touchdown and their kicker goes out. And basically he fucking hooked this thing so bad. I can't believe he didn't hit himself in the face with the ball. Was he a lefty? Maybe I don't know what the fuck if he shanked it or whatever the fuck you want to call it, he misses the thing. So we only get six points. All right, the fucking Penn State gets the ball and then they just drive right down

the field. They score a touchdown and then kick the fucking extra point. And then their fucking kicker starts running down the field like he just kicked a 70 yarder, which made it even more painful to watch. Here's my question. I just realized as I was telling that story, I thought it, if you scored a touchdown and overtime, it was over, but if you kicked a field goal, the other team got to have like equal amount of possessions.

Wasn't that how it was? Or is it always, you know, you get equal possessions or is it you at least get one possession each? I can't fucking remember because I was just trying to think that was because we missed the extra point that they got the ball. Probably get equal possessions. I don't fucking know. So whatever.

So I made fun of that Penn State guy running. I just, you know, just, I didn't make fun of the guy. And somebody writes, writes to me on Twitter, a man wrote this to me. He wrote, um, dot, dot, dot. He's only like the best field goal kicker in college football. Dude, a grown man wrote, um, dot, dot, dot. I can't stand these fucking guys on Twitter that tweet like fucking preteen girls. Jesus fucking Christ.

And what's wrong with me? That that fucking annoys me that much. And I have to make that point to him. You know what? I'm the asshole. Fuck that guy. If you want to go, um, like maybe next time, wait, what? If you want to do that, go ahead and fuck. I'm, you know, I'm gonna try to be less of a cut in 2015.

All right, but it's only December 29th. So I got another two days of this shit. So fucking get used to it. All right, let's do a little, uh, little advertising here. Uh, libraries. Oh, Jesus. Enter Burr. All right.

So what else did I want to talk about here? Clean out the garage. Oh, here's, here's a weird thing I had this morning, right? I fucking, um, I, uh, somebody delivered, they, somebody delivered a package. You ever get a package and it's not for you. It's for somebody else, but they live on the same number. Like you live on 123 Smith street and they live on 123 Allen street. And it's like fucking a, you know, it's like a mile away or something.

And I'm thinking I could, you know, what, what am I going to do here? I could fucking, you know, I could fucking just give this to the post office person. Right. Be like, this doesn't belong to us. You take it, but then what? It's December 29th. When do you think this person's going to get it? Once it goes back into the systems system, those fucking maniacs down there, this guy's

going to get this thing or this lady is going to get this thing after New Year's day. All right. I Google search the person's house. I've done this like three fucking times. Um, I've actually gotten in my car and just driven it over to the person's house. And then there's always that weird point as you're walking up there, walking, thinking like, am I going to get shot and they're always psyched, you know, I, the first time I did it, I walked up and the lady came walking out of the house and

I got freaked out. I was just like, Hey, they accidentally delivered this to my house. She was like, Oh my God, we've been waiting for that. Right. That's what she did. Then she just froze just like that. I've been ready with all this. And I kind of like moved my hand in front of her and she just was like catatonic.

She was so fucking happy. Then I skipped back to my Prius and I drove away and that's the end of that story. So anyways, I, uh, so I'm like, all right, I'm going on a fucking walk this morning. I'm going to try to walk off some of the whiskey and pie I ate right before I went to sleep. Fucking pig. And, uh, I'll bring it over to this person's house. I see it's like two fucking miles away. I'm like, all right, two miles over.

Two miles back, there's a four, five mile walk if you know, whatever, that's a good thing, burn off some calories. So I fucking walk over to this place and, uh, it's a little ways up into the hills and shit and I get there and it turns out it's like a gated community. And now I got this stupid fucking box and I'm like, what am I going to do? And the fucking house was like one house into the gated community. So I'm like, what am I going to do? I can't leave it at the gate.

I don't want to fucking walk this thing all the way back. Do I throw it over the fence and try to get it to the driveway? What if this is broken? And then I just looked and they had like, they had the defense went like across the street and then there was a brick wall with a ledge on it and the fence went up on that. And I was just like, you know what? I could be up and over this thing, drop off the package and back up and over before anybody even has a chance to call anybody.

I don't want to lug this fucking thing back. So then by myself, I start laughing like a school girl. I'm looking for cameras. I don't see any and I'm like, this is fucking so fucking climbed up over it in my heart's racing. I'm already rehearsing. What I'm going to say to the cop, like, oh, I live in one, two, three Allen Street. This was fucking like, you know, am I going to get arrested for this shit?

I got this fucking, like ridiculous, stupid Bruins sweatshirt on that's like black. It's not even gold. Like, I think it's like a knockoff. It's like yellow almost could spot me a million miles away and I'm on foot. If anybody could get me, I'm like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. He could spot me a million miles away and I'm on foot. If anybody calls the cops, but I did it, dropped it off right back up and over. The whole thing took like maybe fucking 20 seconds and I walked away laughing and

rehearsing what I was going to say to the cop and nothing happened. So there you go. And you know what? That's my good deed for the day. My good deed for the day. So there you go. Don't ever let gay communities are fucking hilarious than the most. They look, there's nobody guarding it.

That's what I realized. It's just a fence. And then you got these people who are too dumb to become a police officer. You know, you know, too lazy to walk around a mall. They just want to sit in a truck. What are they doing? They're rubbing their balls. They're on Twitter.

They're not paying attention. I literally could have taken that fence down. You know, and just dragged it over to Home Depot and sold it for metal scrap. And I think it would still take two hours before anybody even showed up. I lost all respect for gated communities, gated community, the fuck are you doing in there? How you sacrifice and virgins, you know, how fucking crook. I could see like, look, I shouldn't say this, but I think only women should

live in gated communities. Like if you're like a pop star and you have like a fucking stalker and shit, you know, you should be behind there. I think if you're a man, you should fight your stalker, right in your front yard, kick his ass, right in your front lawn, you know, I'm kidding. That's actually a dangerous subject to talk about. I'm fucking with you. Oh, Jesus, blame it on the pie, Bill.

Oh, I want to thank all the cunts who sent me shit because another Singapore airline is now missing, you know, putting that in my face. Are you, aren't you afraid to go over there now? Actually, no, with the odds, the odds are pretty fucking good. The odds are pretty good that they just lost one. And don't even hit me with that fucking rules of threes. It's my fucking buddy to Michigan fan texting me here. I think the news is milking it while Michigan and Harba is being considered

to the Niners players. Jim Harbaugh is the only way to play drums that shit. Classic white fucking beat. You fucking clap on all four beats. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, we're fucking white and we bought some two buzz today. You might be going to the University of Michigan, which would be great for the Big Ten, whatever.

They know they got like 15 fucking teams. Now that would be great for the Big Ten. It is not good for the Big Ten when Michigan's not good. You need Ohio State and Michigan to be good. You need them to beat the fuck out of each other. And then, you know, everybody else falls in the line. I'm sorry, Michigan State. I'm sorry, Wisconsin.

All right, Wisconsin. You had your day. You went to three fucking Rose Bowls in a row and you did a great impression of the early 90s Buffalo Bills. Okay, I wanted you guys to win. I was rooting for you when you played Tasey. Come on, frogs. And you know what you did?

You fucked me. You fucked me three years in a row. All right. So it's going to be a long while before I root for that fucking giant red W again. Even though you got a good now the Badgers. That's a great fucking name. I don't hate Wisconsin. I was just fucking sick of watching them coming in there all fucking cheesy and pasty.

And all that cheesy pasty fucking fans and they're just walking out with their heads hanging down low, you know. Sitting there with a handful of fucking blue cheese in one hand and some fucking cheddar in the other. You know, dabbing their cheers with some tears with some craft slices. Oh, Jesus. All right. So you know what? A lot of people told me that they'd rather listen to me talk about music than sports. So I figured I'd talk about sports for 35 fucking minutes.

I also talked about food. I go fuck yourself. Start your own podcast. I finally had some downtime and old Billy Boy here is got back into playing drums. I'm going to do another one of those goddamn comedy jams coming up. So I'm working on a song. Can't say which song it is, but it has double bass in it. And oh, Billy is not a double bass player.

So I've actually been I've been woodshedden as they say playing drums trying to get it down. And I mean, I was one of those fucking assholes who I just totally got way into John Bonham when I was playing. And my brothers both played guitar and they weren't into Metallica and that type of shit. And they were like, get a double pedal, get a double bass, get another bass drum. Let's fucking do that. And I kind of look back wished I did, but I didn't play it because I don't know. I had this competitive fucking thing and Bonham's bass drum foot was faster than mine. And I was like, I'm not getting a double bass pedal until I can play good times, bad times with a single bass drum pedal.

And this is like back, you know, this is the 80s. So I have no help. I have to just basically listen to the record of the tape and try to figure out what he's doing. As opposed to all the kids today who can just fucking go on YouTube and there'll be some 20 year pro show you that slide step fucking thing. I had no idea man. I was fucking my foot up trying to figure out how the hell he was doing it. Right. So anyways, I started, I know I didn't play drums for like 10 years when I started doing comedy and I moved to New York City.

You know, drums that you can't like strum a fucking set of drums in your apartment in New York. Trust me. So I didn't play until I got more established as a comedian. I was able to afford one of those electronic drum kits, the, the Roland ones, which were fucking amazing. Then forget about now. And I'm thinking about getting another one just for in the house. I won't drive me in nuts, but what was I going to say? What was I going to say?

So I remembered how I just got so obsessed with John Bonham that it really affected my playing because I just sounded like another guy who just listened to Bonham. And then all the players that were into were derivative of John Bonham. So then I would have just go back to his playing again. I just couldn't get out of this fucking vortex of just listening to the same fucking guy. So I went out and I bought a double pedal like 10, 12 years ago that DW 5000, you know, with the red plate on the bottom. And I got, you know, I was listening to Primus and I got, you know, listen to old Metallica and I tried to get into it. And I gave it a shot and I went right back to the bottom thing and, but made sure that I expanded what I listened to since then. But so I've dusted this fucking thing off.

I mean, I still have it in the case. I got all this, all the attachments, all of that shit. I've made sure like, like I hate when people sell stuff, old musical equipment and they fucking, they don't have all the original shit to it. You know, like even my truck, I got this old truck and, you know, they, the radiators back then ran a little hot. So the aluminum runs run better. So put a new aluminum one in and I kept the old one and we switched out the front brakes. I went from drum to disc. I still kept the drum brakes actually learned how to put those fucking things together.

I bought all the tools and that shit and I kept all of it. You know, had somebody put a new rear end in it and I fucking, I have all of that. I have all those parts. I kept all of that shit. I have the old master cylinder. So anyways, I've been, I've been playing a lot of double bass right now. And this song is actually, if you're a double bass player is actually a simple song to play. But if you never played it, it's just so fucking weird.

So I've been literally just sitting there, you know, 60 BPMs, 70, I can't play it that fast, but whatever. Just trying to work my way up. So the songs at about 115 BPMs and I'm about up to like 95 and I got two weeks to go. So I went to Mike's lessons.com. He doesn't play double bass too much shit on there, but you know, he's got, it's just the best site. It's just as far as his practice, like that technique where it's, see, this is why I don't talk fucking drums and that type of shit. Because I know right now everybody's just fucking. So I feel like I'm teaching like geography right now and I don't know where, but if you're a drummer out there, Mike's lessons.com.

I cannot recommend it highly enough. And you want to talk about a guy with a sick fucking bass drum foot. He's fucking unbelievable. So anyways, and you know what this actually gets me somebody asked me about what I what I thought about. What I thought about whatever that fucking movie was where the whiplash here we go. Let's do some questions here. Dear Bill, hope you had a great holiday and I love the show. Thank you. My question is, have you seen the film whiplash?

It's about a student at a music conservatory trying to become the next great jazz drummer. J.K. Simmons plays his music teacher slash mentor, but the movie flips around all the usual music movie tropes. Simmons acts more like a drill sergeant and screams and intimidates the students to push them further. I don't want to say much more because the movie speaks for itself, but I know you'll love it, especially given your affinity for drums. The movie also raises a more general question. Are the all time greats in any field born? Or can they be made thoughts? Great fucking question.

I thought what's his face? J.K. Simmons was unbelievable in that movie. But I love drums, so watching him scream and yell at somebody who also loved drums was like, I kind of had a hard time watching it. It'd be like if I was watching a movie about stand up and there was somebody screaming at some open mic or I'd be like, dude, you don't fucking do that. You encourage, you know? But I mean, I still thought it was a really good movie, but I would actually say the best drums, the best drums in any movie this year is not in whiplash. The best drums in any movie by far that I saw was in Birdman.

Birdman has sick drums in it and they're not even as difficult technically as the drumming that was in whiplash, but it's dynamics. Dynamics will take your playing over the fucking top if you know how to utilize them, which I do not. But whoever the fuck played the drums on the Birdman soundtrack was fucking unbelievable. He's just one of those guys sits down at a four-piece kit and just gets more music out of that than I could out of fucking Terry Bozio's. And it's inspiring and frustrating and it's just like, ah, that's why I became a comedian because I can't fucking do that. Alright, so you asked me, are the all-time greats in any field born or can they be made? Thoughts? I think both. I think everybody is born with a talent and then it's up to you to try to see how far it's all up to you, how far you want to take it.

And I think that a lot of the greats, a lot of the times are not necessarily the best, weren't blessed with the most talent. It's just that they had that brutal combination of blessed with enough of the gift and they had drive to try to get themselves as great as they could get. And a lot of times when people are born with a fucking ridiculous gift, it comes easy to them and they'll coast. And that's what made Jordan so great because Jordan was born with the greatest talent of all but worked like he was born with my gift for playing basketball. And that's why he became the greatest who ever fucking played like a Jerry Rice or something like that. And so I would say it's a combination of both. So, you know, I don't know, whatever your fucking talent is, you should be always trying just compete against yourself and then you won't become like this bitter asshole because you don't want to compete against somebody else because they were born with a different gift than you. You know what I mean? And then you'll try to like, you know, that happens in my fucking business where like you get an acting gig and you'll do a scene and somebody's trying to out like act you.

I was just talking about somebody was talking to somebody about this like last night. They're trying to like out at you being like, it's like, no, dude, we're in this together. You know, let's fucking do this thing together. So, yeah, does that make any sense? I feel like this went from a fucking funny podcast to a goddamn lecture for the last 10 minutes. Let's talk about talents, everybody. Are you born with it or is it is it made from your hard work? Today, we're going to talk to two people, both who chronically jerk off one person since the day he was born in the crib.

The other person who did not discover masturbating until he was 23. Mark and Chris, welcome to the program. All right, let's get on to the next one here. Oh, Rex Ryan, happy trails to you. A bunch of people got fired today. Wait a minute, that's PTI. I just ripped up the PTI show. Sorry, man.

See, that's why I don't watch other comedians because it fucking just sticks in your head next to, you know, you say some shit that they were saying. All right, Rex Ryan, he got fired. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess they just they just been together long enough so they had to make the move. I mean, I think that guy is he's a bit of a knucklehead, you know, very crass. He's not a dumb guy, but he just he's got that low self-esteem thing that he just walks around and just has to act like a dope. I don't know why he does that because I think he's a great coach. And I think he was a victim of a bad GM that John was his dick.

It's sick. What the fuck you say his goddamn name? I mean, that guy just he made some moves and they didn't fucking pan out. Right. You got rid of fucking Revis. Although you got number one draft pick and that panned out, but then like, I don't know, they had all these draft picks and they used all of them. I mean, I'm just fucking regurgitating what I read. I mean, it seemed to me when Rex had the players, he got him to the fucking AFC championship game.

Then all of a sudden, all the players were taken away. What the fuck are you going to do? Right. Every fucking great coach, you got to have the players. So I think that that guy would be a great pickup. And I'm actually hoping that he goes to the NFC. I don't because I'm just like, I'm sick of that. I just don't, I don't know.

There's something about that guy. I don't know. I just remember when I watched that Jets fucking inside the locker room, whatever the fuck it was. He's like, hey, we can beat any fucking team in this league. I was just like, that's how you talk to your team. Look, far be it from me to talk about the F bomb, but there's a time and a place for it. Right. You just going to casually use that word and then what what are you going to do when you blow a gasket?

What the fuck was that? It's just, you've already done that. Been a fucking team in this league. Mike Smith, Mike Smith never looked like a head coach to me. He always looked like somebody who like infiltrated the mob. You know what I mean? He sort of looks like he's in the mob and he also kind of looks like a cop. He just be the perfect guy for the cops to try to get into, you know, to infiltrate and try to break it up.

Hey, break it up. Okay. Who else? That guy, Mark Trestman. Jim Harbaugh. A bunch of guys lost their fucking jobs today. So anyways, whatever, who gives a fuck? Oh, my Billy ESPN here.

By the way, people, it is three days away from the granddaddy of them all. And this year it's a fucking playoff game. FSU versus fucking Oregon. And this year, last year, if you guys, if you've been listening for a while, last year, old freckles here passed out at the tailgate. That's how hard I went. So this year, I'm actually, I'm going to try to enjoy it. I'm going to try to live in the moment, but I say that every fucking year.

Oh man, I can't fucking wait. We're doing ribs this year. We've got some burgers. We're actually bringing a power strip with a generator. Because the second that game's over, we're coming back out. We're firing back up the grill and we're going to sit there freezing our asses off, watching the fucking Alabama game. Bleary-eyed.

I can't fucking wait. And I'm going to try to go easier. Yeah, last year I got a little drunk and belligerent. I remember yelling at some fucking, that idiot. I was a fucking idiot last year. So I really got to, I got to tone it down. Oh, I never finished talking about it. Somebody was talking about me going to Singapore and all that.

Like, can you do me a favor? Can you not fucking send me tweets about me dying in a plane crash? You cunts. You know, do I fucking do that to you? Do I fucking write to you and ask you if your fucking dreams died? I don't do that to you. And fuck all your douchebags who think you're now clever that you're going to do it anyways. Like, that's some amazing goddamn joke.

You know, I don't know. I fucking, who did I see doing something like that? Oh, did you guys see that Twitter fight? Where the dude actually, those guys, they, they agreed to fight. They were arguing over Kobe Bryant and they agreed to fight. So one of the guys shows up to the fight and the other guy wasn't even in the state. And then he does like this interview about it, like what he did was amazing. That he agreed to fight this guy and then he didn't show up.

Like this was some massive fucking, you know, like he's like this genius burglar that figured out how to break into the fucking Federal Reserve. It's like, dude, all you did was lie. You're a pussy. That's the one thing about fucking the internet that drives me up the wall is how trolls feel like they're fucking like these, I don't know, like they're these geniuses and it's just like, dude, you're doing the lowest common denominator of, I don't know, I don't even know what the fuck to call the art. I don't know, it's like a shit joke.

Not that I'm against shit jokes, but I just said that. Why is this guy like, you, this guy challenged you to a fight. You said you were going to go there and you didn't go. And then you're talking about yourself like you're some sort of badass. Like, yeah, I pissed off a lot of people. This is the first time I've ever got anybody show up to a fight. It's like, all right, well, he showed up and he was ready to fight. I think I'd rather hang out with that other guy than you, you fucking passive aggressive little pansy.

All right, anyways, response to your advice last week about guy into girl with the laugh like his friend. All right, so those of you who didn't listen last week, there was this dude who met this woman. She's beautiful. She had a great rack. Great rack, as he said, and they hit it off. She was awesome. Everything was great. She was great in the ride in the bed.

Everything was fucking awesome. Everything is coming up roses. And then the only thing was that she laughed exactly like his friend. And that was weird in the mouth. So here we go. Okay, in response to my advice to that person, he said, last week you talked, you talked red in email. Can you guys please fucking, you know, I suck at reading. Can you just please proofread what you wrote?

All right, last week you read an email about a guy who was worried about dating a girl with a laugh like her brother. You acknowledged that the advice you were giving was probably not the greatest when you said that it would be brutal to have to live with that. I'm writing to tell you that you are correct in saying you're wrong. In my opinion, that is. No matter what girl you meet and date, she'll have characteristics of a male family member. He described, yeah, but dude, this is the thing. It was his friend. And he knew his friend for whatever, years and years and years, hanging out with them as they're sharing laughs.

You know what I mean? I'm not saying like, you know, you meet a girl and she has her dad's eyes or something. Yeah, they're a family. She's also going to look like her mom. This is all getting weird and Freudian here. Anyways, no matter what girl you meet and date, she'll have the characteristics of male family members. He described the girl to be hot, quirky and fun and she was into him. She didn't make it awkward when hooking up.

She sounded awesome. If anything, he should bring it out in the open and tell her how weird it is. Oh, dude, I don't know about that one. Then when they laugh about it and she does the laugh, they're laughing about, the laugh they're laughing about, they'll laugh even more. And then he takes his dick out. I don't see how that works. I'm really trying to see your point here, sir. Hey, I could be wrong.

Anyways, then when they laugh about it, oh yeah, I already said that, it'll go beyond the awkward situation become its own inside joke. Plus, if she likes him, that's a terrible way for her to be rejected, just for laughing naturally. I know you weren't being a dick and have to make America laugh every week, but I just want this guy, I just don't want this guy to blow it. Alright, see you coming from a good place. Don't you think what you're going to say is going to make her self-conscious? Like, I want you, write me back again and you tell me how you're going to tell her, hey, by the way, when you laugh, you laugh just like your brother and that weirds me out in the dick area. Like, that's kind of what you're saying, even though you're not going to be that blunt about it. I don't know, somebody else, somebody else, write in and tell me exactly how you pulled that off, because everything else you said about the woman, I agree with.

That's just a rough one. That one, I just could picture myself just out in the kitchen cutting up some shit for a sandwich or something and then she laughs in the other room and then you just sort of fucking wince. You know, she's in there talking to her friends, laughing it up and you just out in the kitchen talking to yourself. Oh god, it sounds just like Scott. It's fucking unbelievable. Block it up, block it up. Hey ladies, would you like some cheese nip? Cheese nip.

Greetings from Mexico. I discovered you the other night while browsing Netflix all by myself and I just thought my two teen and husband boys 15 and 16 have got to watch this. So we did. I totally fell in love with you. Smart comedy, great points of view and I really find you totally educational for teens. Did you watch My Special or did you watch Ted Talk? Anyway, if you decide to either adopt or have your kids of your own, you're going to do great. PS, I've already started to hug my kids less.

Let's hope it's not too late. No homophobia here. LOL. Alright, look at that. I got a fan down in Mexico. Yeah, a lot of people telling me I should adopt. You should do it. You should go out there and fucking do it.

We'll see. We'll see what I do. I often feel I'm too out of my mind, too fucking scattered brain and too fucking selfish to do something like that to have kids. There's fucking 7 billion people on the planet running out of deer and fresh water. What the fuck are we doing? You know? I don't know. Anyways, from Russia with go fuck yourself.

LOL. Ah shit, I almost didn't get that. From Russia with love? No, from Russia with go fuck yourself. Alright, here we go. Hello Bill. It will be a strange message. First of all, I want to thank you.

It will be a strange message. I love Russians. They just fucking, I must break you. It will be a message that is strange. First of all, I want to thank you for your incredible craft. Can I call comedy a craft and for your podcast? Dude, I want to compliment you on your incredible English. Are you a spy?

This is unbelievable. Anyway, second, I am from Russia and I have to say that we love you here. Get the fuck out of here. I'll do a show in Moscow. I'm going to show up with no money in my fucking passport locked in a fucking safe back in the hotel room. I'm not going to get rolled in Moscow. Moscow is a shady fucking place. That's the word.

It's beautiful. It's gorgeous, but you will get knocked the fuck out in Russia. Wake up in a vodka plant. Your job is to put the cork in them for the rest of your fucking life. They don't give you any mittens. Anyways, even with the crazy things, maybe, wait a minute. Second, I am from Russia and we have to say we love you here. Really, it even freaks me out when I realize that I agree on 100% with what you're saying.

Even with the crazy things. Maybe not with all of them, but it's amazing because even we have different cultures. As some may say, I can relate myself to all your topics. Women, marriage, dogs, politics, idiots, et cetera. Yeah, you know why I do? Because you're a human being. All that other stuff is just, that's just all of the bullshit. So every country is full of shit.

Except maybe New Zealand or a country like that that doesn't really fuck with anybody. You just kind of stay down there and live their life, you know? Other than that, everybody else, they're just spinning it. And the leaders just say that everything that your country is doing is fucking heroic and you're in the right. But at the end of the day, both countries got a bunch of broads and they're driving the guys up the fucking wall there. And whatever, the guys are driving the women nuts.

That's what I learned. Travel in the world. All right? There's a through line with human beings. And it's basically watching your friend fall down a flight of stairs is the funniest fucking thing you're ever going to see. I don't give a fuck what country you're from. I don't give a fuck if you're in such a poor country.

That they don't even have stairs. If he just ran out of his hut, stop quickly and it rained and he slipped and banged the back of his head. And then he curls up in the fetal position with both hands clasping the back of his head. You're going to fucking laugh for the whole morning. Okay? Anyways, he says, I hope politicians would turn off the heat between our countries.

It would be great for everyone. Yeah, except for big business. Don't believe in all this bullshit about hatred personally. I don't have anything against the United States. It's a great country. What the country? Quoting Yaakov Smirnoff. Beautiful nature and kind heart of people.

Fast cars and blues music. Lots of problems, of course, but we have them too. Everyone has. Eh, nice to see those fucking guys enlightened. Exactly. Hope you'll come to Russia someday. You know what's funny? Is this if he actually fucking hates me?

And now he's just buttering me up and I go over there and he puts a fucking potato sack over my head and beats me with a mic stand. I'd actually find the humor in that beatdown. Good day to you and best wishes. P.S. Sorry, I've made some mistakes in text. In the text. I'm still in the process of learning. Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you, you asshole. I know what you're doing. Your English is great and you know that we can't speak any other languages over here. That was passive-aggressive. You know what, sir? I fucking loved you to that last sentence. You know what? Now I think you are going to jump me when I go over there.

But really, you know what? Let me hear from more people in Russia. If I can get... What do I need? What do I need to go over there? Just get me like 400 fucking people. If you can guarantee me 400 fucking people. 400 people will fucking show up to my show in Moscow.

All right? And I won't get a pinky sliced off or any sort of fucking black market, mafia-so shit going on down there. I will come over there. All right? And like I said, I am showing up there with the shirt on my back. Nothing else. This is all based on a cab ride I took when I was in Helsinki, Finland.

And I was asking him about Lithuania and Estonia and all these other things. And I was like, yeah, man, it's crazy. Fucking Russia is like right there, you know? Talking about growing up with the, you know, all that Cold War shit. And he was saying, you know, he was saying Moscow is a beautiful place, but it's fucking shit. He said after 5 p.m. it goes, it gets fucking shady. He goes, I'm not saying it's a bad place,

but you really have to watch yourself after 5 o'clock. And it's just like, all right, so it's like Detroit. But there's something about getting your ass kicked in another country. It's way scarier because you have no fucking idea. I would think as you're fighting going like, what if I end up in a goddamn jail, you know? And everybody's speaking a different fucking language. I mean, that just, that just spells ass rape to me.

All right, Cubans in America. This is the last thing and then I got to get rolling here. Cubans in America. Bill, what are your thoughts on normalizing relations with Cuba in the United States? Well, I think, honestly, I think we've been bullying. Honestly, I think we've been bullying them for fucking 50 years. They have a right to fucking run their country the way they want to. I'm not saying Castro is a great fucking guy,

but I don't think what we did to him, you know, look, obviously they couldn't have those fucking missiles there. We had to get rid of that shit that I agreed with. But other than that, you know, if they want to be communists, then, you know, if you want to fucking do that, go ahead and do it. I mean, what the fuck, you can go ahead. We have nuclear weapons. What are you going to do to us?

Shoot one of us, we'll shoot one of you and it's over. It's done. What are you, a fucking idiot? Go ahead, be a Russian. Not Russian, sorry, be a communist. I don't give a shit. But I mean, you know, to be honest, we were trying to turn their fucking country into a place for us to go there

and relax and go vacation and casinos and take all their natural resources, doing what the fuck we always do. And then we do it the whole, they don't want their people to be free, you know? And I'm not saying Cuba's fucking innocent, but come on. Anyways, he says cigars could be in the future, could become legal in the US. As of right now, $100 worth of tobacco you can bring in in Cuban cigars, which is hilarious, it's like fucking three cigars, four cigars or whatever.

He said, what would you, what would this do to the size of your humidor? I actually shut down my humidor because I was smoking too many of them. He said, I know you enjoy Cubans, but do you smoke cigars from other regions as well? Next time you're in Calgary, come in the summer and rent a motorcycle and ride through the mountains. If you have time and find a nice place to pull over for a Stoge, you won't regret it. Oh, Jesus, that sounds great. Thanks for the laughs and go fuck yourself.

I've actually heard that once they make Cuban cigars legal in America, like I think initially the quality of them will go down because the demand will be through the fucking roof. And, you know, it's a little last country over here, and we are a big country that devours shit. So I was actually talking to a cigar head the other day and he was saying if you were going to buy Cuban stock up on him now and granted, this was just fear talk from some guy in a fucking cigar bar,

but he was saying that the quality might drop down. I like the fact that we're going to take our foot off the back of their fucking neck. I still think we're going to do the wrong thing down there and try to get our cheesecake factories and all that type of shit and just sort of appropriate them for our own fucking needs. But I don't know. There's something fun about the fact that Cuban cigars are illegal and to actually have them and know where to get them and shit.

It's not that fucking hard to get them, but it's still fun. And, you know, I was at a party the other day and this guy showed up with a box of Cuban cigars and it was, you know, we were standing outside and we smoked in the second. I took a fucking pull off of it. I was like, this is not a coheba. And then he'd given me a party guess. How the fuck you say it?

Everybody says a different part. He gives me that series two, which is one of my favorites. And when I got home, I looked at it and it was fucking. The band was the same color, but the font was completely off. It was a really bad, bad, bad fake. And I threw that right in the fucking trash. So that's also the fun of it. The fun. Did I get a real one? Did I get a fake one?

You know, there's a lot of cigar people that go, actually, you know, 90% of Cuban cigars are actually fucking fake. Well, I don't give a fuck because they taste better than 90% of the other shit. As far as other, other cigars. Yeah, there's a couple others that I smoke. A couple of Nicaraguan ones that are all right. But I'm sick of people always going, dude, these are better than the Cubans and they're not. They never are. They just don't taste as good as them.

And it's kind of like, you know, when you look at cars and they're always trying to like compare the car to like a, whatever, a BMW or a, this is like a Porsche. This is like this. It's like, yeah, but it isn't. But at the end of the day, it isn't. Even though I heard BMW's quality has been going down through the fucking, I don't know, whatever. Whatever. Let me just shut the fuck up. I got to get out of here. I got shit to do. All right. Happy New Year to everybody. Thanks to everybody who came out to my shows this year.

Thanks to everybody who's been not only watching my standup special, but spreading the word about it. It's been, it's gotten the best response of any special I've ever done. And getting back to that talent you were born with and then pushing yourself to get better. I've been trying to do that with every special work on a new skill, just like in drumming, a new drum lick, a new comedy technique or whatever to enhance my fucking bullshit ideas. So, you know, I'm really, yeah, I couldn't be any happier. So thank you and thank you for everybody letting everybody know about it. And that's it. Happy New Year to everybody.

And thanks to everybody. Anybody comes out to my shows in 2015. All right. That's the podcast. Oh, crazy summer scene. Where is the life that I recognize? But I won't cry for yesterday. There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will love to survive.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the anything better podcast NFL edition for preview for week number 17. I know I'm dressed like I'm going fucking mountain climbing. The first guy that gets killed in an action movie. Dude, my my studio is freezing. My studio is freezing. It just jumps out. There's like a gunfight.

You know, the guy just jumps out into the open for no reason just to get shot. Yeah. Yeah. And to add insult to injury and animal died somewhere in the wall in here. So it smells bad too. So that's what I'm dealing with right now. I got one for you. I woke up today and my son had puked all over the bed all over everything.

All over everything. Good morning. It was brutal, dude. It was brutal. I had a whole. I got on my old Pat Patriot here. I got on this static jacket. Paul, I'm trying to turn around this bus to go to Versey town.

Paul Versey, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. All of you guys quit on him in October. Everybody was coming at him. You don't know about Paul, but I got some up off the mat. But dude, all that's off his Jordan ones. Paul Versey went for an O last week. I have to go to three and one the week before he has the book.

He crossed his lap and he is spanking his fanny on the way out. Paul Versey is now above 500. Beating the book against the spread four games a week for them. Not the first second year in a row. This is 34 games, right? Yeah, but don't jinx. We got two weeks and I'm only a game and a half up. I'm only a game and a half up.

Last week I went one and three. Now you believe in the jinx. Now you're acting like me. I was gasping up, Paul. Dude, I got people mad at us though. Or people mad at me because of the Monday night special. Dude, I got a message from a guy screaming at me going, what the fuck?

You can't fucking pick a winner. And then he was like, one guy was so funny. He goes, you can't pick a fucking winner. And you know what? Your comedy is all right. And I just started fucking laughing. When somebody is losing money on a game because of something you said, you can't take anything they say personally.

No, dude. And you know what? I can't be wrong. I can't be mad. They're not wrong. We haven't hit a Monday night. Dude, Justin, everything. That's because they fucking went will Chamberlain on us.

Then I let this dunk in the league anymore. Yes. They changed the rules, Paul. By the way, your jacket was scared. Your jacket right now, that is the best. I've said it once and oh, Bill, I'll say it again. That is the best Patriot logo ever. I don't know why that guy is off the helmet.

That guy should be on the helmet. But the dolphin is on the dolphin helmet. Because the Parcells was trying to turn around the culture. People are now romanticizing this era of the Patriots. I used to, when they used to wear this uniform after Brady was there and he was winning and everything, when they went back to that and Tom Brady would wear that Pat Patriot, I would get sick to my stomach and think somehow he was going to get jinxed with our past.

I would say this uniform, the all red with the simple red and white and blue stripes on the shoulder and then the white pants with the black cleats. And the white helmet, right? Oh yeah, it was always a white helmet. Yeah. Well, the first year they actually had Paul Revere's hat on the side of the helmet. Either for the first year or the first two years. Then they had a contest in the Boston Globe, I believe.

And some guy drew Pat Patriot. And yeah, I'll be honest with you. I've never liked from the Drew Bledsoe, through Tom Brady, through Cam Newton, through Dirty Mac Jones. Dirty Mac Jones, dude. He's fucking dirty, man. That guy, he throws a pick, keep your head on the swivel. That guy's going for your fucking knees.

Hey, you know what? He's got a means for Paul. He does. He does. He'll be slide, brings the foot up, targeting to the helmet, not the one on your head. Kick this guy right in the dick, Paul. Dude, how about when he was walking back to the, walking back to the sideline and he goes past the fucking ball.

Our running game sucks. I was like, oh shit, this kid's got a little fight in him. A little John Stockton in him. Yeah. John Stockton when the ref's not looking, punching the balls. Yeah. Yeah. Dirty Mac is a great fucking nickname.

Dirty Mac Jones. I love it. All right. Let's get into this week. Yes. I went 4-0, Andrew. I switched my chief's pick and they won. So I went 5-0.

Is that possible? No. I can't listen, man. I could easily be under this thing. But I get first picked this week because it's week 17. And to be honest, there's only 4-0. There should be a thing. If you go 4-0, you get to pick first again.

No, I go odd week stuff. I know, but that'd be funny. Yeah. Oh shit. Hold on. There's only one game that jumped out at me. It's like earning the immunity on that island show my wife was. Survivor.

Diplomatic immunity. What movie? I don't know. Oh dude. Andrew, he goes diplomatic immunity and then I'll give you the rest of it. Oh, is that King Simmons, where he played the bad guy? He gets shot in the head and then Danny Glover goes, it's just been revoked. Lethal weapon two.

Yep. Lethal weapon two. The guy from South Africa had diplomatic immunity, but he was the criminal and he just kept using that. And then Danny Glover finally shoots him in the head and he does this with the gun. He does that shit. All right. What's the great one?

Have you ever seen the cover of Die Hard movie poster? Yeah. He's like this. Doing that classic fucking. Uh, yeah, we'll have a couple of laughs. Um, my first pick this week is the only game that really jumped out at me. And, and I like it for a couple of reasons. If my New York football giants win, they are in.

That's it. They get to nine and no team could catch them in the wild card. They clinch a playoff birth. They're at home against the Colts. Oh, the Colts put in Nick Foles and it looked bad. Dude, how about Nick Foles throwing those little three yard passes getting his players almost killed? Did you see that?

Dude, he was in trouble and he's about to get stuck. He dumped it two yards to this guy and the guy got torpedoed, dude. And like he put him in harm's way. He did it like three times. Um, I saw it. Dude, Jeff. I had pneumonia. What's that?

Seven weeks. I haven't seen anything. Oh, dude, what Nick Foles did to his players and he looked like he didn't want to be there. He looked like he wanted to be home. Um, you know what it is, dude? He got his fucking ring against the Patriots. He doesn't fucking care anymore. He's getting a paycheck.

Um, banging one of the cheerleaders. I'm going to take the Giants to clinch. They know it. They feel it. Oh, they could smell the blood. Jeff Saturday is in over his head. He's one in five since he's been the head coach of the Colts. It looks like they fucking called him out of the suite when he was eating a wing to step in.

I like the New York football Giants to take care of business minus six. I don't like that the line went up. The line went up, but I'm going to take it. Line went up, line went up, line went up. I'm going with the only person that's fucking riding with me now. I've got one in three the past two weeks by the grace of God, by your San Francisco 49ers who got that murder cop that they're going to murder robot cop, Paul. Who?

They fucking passed this bill where they're going to have a fucking, a robot cop that can murder people. And then, and then they went back and they said, and they said, the people said, no, you can't do that. And they said, okay, for now. They said, for now, it's like, fuck you, the people have spoken. Paul, how do you go from all the leaves are brown to having that fucking thing walking around? They don't care.

Hey, Bill, Bill. They're going to be homophobic. Is it going to tow the blue line? What is it going to, what are they going to program it to do? They can't just have that thing going out there ratting people out going like, he planted that gun on a minority. They're going to have to put something in there, get that robot's mind right. Or they'll feed it up with a phone book.

Hey, is a robot going to have a body cam? Does he see that robot's behavior? Stop being a Karen. Get back in the car. License and registration, please. Don't make me do this. Stop resisting. Stop resisting.

All right. Here we go. Mardo, you are Mardo. All right. I'm going to take the San Francisco 49ers going into the radius in Las Vegas. The Raiders should have lost against the Pats. I've been calling them David Cards, Derek Carr, white boy Derek. You don't need a lot of white boys.

White boy Derek Carr is going to go down. He's losing. How come I don't see that game, Andrew? Where is that? It's a Monday night game. It's a Monday night game. It's the Monday night game. I'm taking that.

Am I allowed to do that? Or is that fuck with the special? No, the Monday night game is Cincinnati and Buffalo. Oh, then it's the Sunday game. Yeah, I don't see it. It might just not be live right now because they might just be changed. Like the odds might have changed. Let me take a look now.

It's not on our list at all. It's on my list. I don't know what you're talking about. I saw it. What's the spread for me? What's the spread for me? I'm going to lose my voice in this relationship. All right.

Well, you know, it's fucking hilarious when your wife goes, hey, you got any money in your wallet? Can I grab a few bucks? You go, yeah, fine. And then you go out later to go get a cup of coffee and you open your wallet and it's completely empty. What kind of an asshole takes all the money? You basically used me as an ATM and now I have to go to the fucking bank.

Dude, taking all of it's hilarious. Like my wife will usually leave like 20 or 40, which still sucks. But yeah, out of 500 bucks. You got it all padded there for the fucking holidays. Dude, you know what? I'm going to give you guys a confession right now. I'm going to confess something and hopefully my wife doesn't see this. Stacey's on the couch last night and something was really bugging me.

All right. It was bugging me and I had to bring it up because I had to get it off my chest and she wanted to sit on the couch and maybe watch a movie. I knew the Nick game was coming on. So part of me was like, if I say this, she might go upstairs. Dude, she fucking I, but I did have to say it. I had to cleanse. I had to get it off the chest and I go, you know something.

Can I just say something that really bugged me and she goes, what? And I said it and then we didn't get into a big thing, but she's like, well, I'm glad I came down here. And then I just said, like, listen, I just had to tell you. And if, you know, and this and that, and then she just kind of sat up, grabbed a blanket and she goes, I'm just going to go upstairs. And I put the Nick game on. So when, when.

Wow, dude. That was amazing. So when you went like Jedi mind trick on her. And then the next morning you go, Hey, you know, I'm sorry, depending if the next one are lost. No, and it was a classic Nick's loss where we lost in overtime. And what's his name? Had the greatest game in NBA history or one of the greatest.

You know, you can only do that once. Yeah, because if you do that again in the second time she's upstairs and she hears the Nick game, she's going to put it together. I just realized that that's why the Knicks had that classic collapse last night and Luca had 60 20 and dude, he had 60 20 and like 18 11. It's like the sickest game ever anyway. All right. Bill's got the Niners.

What's the spread, Andrew? It's not. I don't like you said it's, it's, I don't have it. It's not available right now. They must just be changing the spread bill. Do you know what it was when you took a look? Yeah. Hang on a second.

It was just, it was six, I believe. No. Okay. We'll just honor that. It was a pick up. It was a pick up, ladies and gentlemen. It was minus six, 49ers over there. Eighties.

We'll just honor that even for changes. I'm going to take with my second pick. Trevor Lawrence and the Jacksonville Jaguars over the Texans because the Texans want that first round pick. Why would the Texans win that game? Why would the Texans try in that game? It's minus four and a half, which I fucking hate, but they should win the game. So I'll take the Jags minus four and a half on the road against the hapless Houston

Texans. I like that you're actually finally, oh, you said hapless Houston Texans. I was going to say you finally show them respect. We talked about they won last week. They're in every game and they cover. I've been getting fucked betting against the Houston Texans. Paul Versey, don't you disrespect the Houston Texans like that. They got a lot of hot and a lot of fight.

Yeah, they know what they're doing. Good. You bet against them, Paul. You bet against them. You see what the fuck happens. Dude, if they were going to tank, they would have done it by now. Well, dude, they're one in 14, aren't they? No.

Oh, they're two in 14. Oh, are they? I don't know. Paul, I've been fucking editing a movie and add pneumonia. I don't even know what's going on. I get minds will be betting on the fucking WNBA. All right. I don't know why I like Colt McCoy.

There's something about him. I just like him. He's the best backup in the league. He's getting three and a half points. The Falcons, who the fuck knows who they are? I like Marcus Marriota. But you know what? I don't give a fuck, Paul, because everything that he thinks is going to happen doesn't happen.

So I'm going to go with the Cardinals getting three and a half over the Marcus Marriota Atlanta Falcons. It's the end of the year. You know, the Falcons are going to lose. It's what they do. Um, Paul did not like that. Nothing. I got nothing on that pick.

No, I do like that. I do like that because Atlanta was doing good and then they started to fall apart. Atlanta's done. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, your face said everything. That literally said, that's not a game I would have taken. Um, Your best bet right now is just to move on to your next pick. The Carolina Panthers and the Bucks, the Bucks are bad.

Tom Brady's bad this year and the Bucks are bad. But, But Is he going to lose the division? Dude, some magic down there in the Carolina bluegrass. Uh, no, it's not Andy Dalton. Isn't it? Is it Sam Donald?

That's what I meant. Sam Donald. Sam Donald. Um, The former jet. The former jet. And then he got benched for Baker and now he's the guy. I'm going to take Brady minus.

And now Baker's out here in LA. Right in front of Colin Cowherd. Fucking putting up all kinds of points. Colin Cowherd, man. He's a wild kid. He just, He has it in for Baker Mayfield. He will not, he's going to die on that hill.

Colin Cowherd and Skip Bayless, when they stick to something they won't, they don't retreat. There's no retreat. They just literally argue that you don't need air to live and they would fucking, I disagree. I disagree. It's invisible. How do you know what you're breathing? Dude, water's not healthy.

All these people, and you're just like, All of these studies are funded by the water lobby. Um, I don't think Tom Brady loses a division game to get to the playoffs by, at home and he's only got to win by three. I could see them struggling, but pull it out. If it wasn't three, if it was above three, I wouldn't take it. The bucks got to win that game at home.

It's a division game. And I still think Tom Brady's better than Sam Darnold. I'll take the bucks minus three at home. Tom Brady is better than Sam Darnold. He'll be retired five years and still be better than that fucking guy. All right. Um, oh, Paul. Oh, Paulie.

Oh, Paulie fucking pesto sauce. Dude, that jacket you got is dope, man. I asked for a white one for the Giants this Christmas. You think I got it? No. Hey, but I bought myself a Lexus, okay? Who won that battle? Hey, listen.

Paulie may lose. Go out and get yourself the jacket, Paul. Go out and get the jacket. They fucking reissued them. I told my wife, I told my wife, you see, I said, if you don't get me this fucking jacket, my Christmas is ruined. Cause she's just like, why are you going to wear that? That's like fucking stupid, right?

And meanwhile she's got bags that are dumber colors than this. They go with the pair of shoes. Dude, I'm sorry about the amount of women that actually dress like Herb Tarlick, but they look hot so you don't notice. Anybody remember Herb Tarlick on WKRP? Baby, if you ever wondered, I'm going to take the fucking Miami Dolphins getting three points in Gillette against my own New England Patriots.

This way I can enjoy the game, Paul. My fucking Patriots finally win a game they should win. They should have won the last two weeks. Wow. I didn't expect that one. They were exactly who we thought they were. We let them off the hook. I know that fucking tag.

You're a fucking wicker. Wagga Wuga is, is concussed. The dolphins always play as well. Always. Dude, that kid's not playing. And we have, we have the offensive play calling of a fucking high school football team in 1982. That's what we're doing.

Run, run, screen pass. I spend four quarters yelling, throw the fucking ball. Throw it down the field. Mac Jones can throw the fucking football. Let him throw it. Hey, he's not going to get better at throwing down the field by not throwing down the field. 100%.

The band is on the field. Dude, I know this is the anything better podcast, but is there anything funnier than when you have money on a game and you start saying shit? Like, how come they don't just throw a bomb? Like, I swear to God, like I was betting last night. I bet on who played last night. Wisconsin played Oklahoma State Cowboys last night.

The Badgers played the Oklahoma State Cowboys last night. So I threw 150 on Wisconsin to win and the over 51 and a half. Wisconsin yelling at a big 10 team to throw the ball. And I go like this. I go, how come he doesn't air it out? And then he did a couple of times and the kid missed by so much. And I go, that's why, like, I mean, he overthrew the receiver. I know, but it's still a good thing to do.

Because if you don't do it for like two straight quarters, they got fucking nine guys up on the line. Yeah. And what I like about it, Bill, is I like when they overthrow everybody. So it's either his guy's going to get it or it's incomplete. I love that play. Keeping them honest, Paul.

Keeping them honest. All right. Speak of keeping them honest. Let's get the book. You know my newest resolution is Paul this next year? What? I'm saying no to my wife more. Oh, shit.

Bill, hold on. I'm being a friend here because I could have kept my mouth. Bill, the Niners Raiders game just got put to nine and a half. So if you want to fucking, if you want to change that, wait, I had the 49 is minus six. So now it's fucking minus nine and a half. Well, you know what? He said it before they changed it.

So you get the six. Yeah. Yeah. You get the six because you saw it and said it before they changed it. There you go. Hey, lucky we did the podcast at one o'clock, MGM. That's what you get.

All right. Is that all right? I feel like I'm cheating now. Whatever it is when you guys see it because you said it before it came live. As a matter of fact, I was scrolling and didn't see it. It didn't come back live. Hey, Paul, I know what I said.

Yeah, you know, I know what I said. Anthony, he's a big boy. He knows what he said. No, you think you got it all wrong. Um, all right. Let's see here. I don't know. This one's, uh, all right, my last, my last pick.

I got to take the Washington commanders at home minus two against the Browns. If they win, they're in just like the Giants and I think they're going to get in and I think their defensive line is great and the Browns of the Browns and they're in Washington. So there you go. Commanders minus two win the game by a field goal. There you go.

All right. I'm taking the Buffalo Bills. Oh, minus one and a half over the Bengals. I watched the Bengals last week against the Patriots. If we could shut them down for a whole fucking half, I think the bills can too, even without Vaughn Miller. The bills need to win this fucking game because they were the favorites in the AFC to go to the goddamn Super Bowl.

They fucking lost their way in the middle of the season. They need to end on with a statement game, which this would be and they have to show the Bengals that we still fucking own you. That's what I say. That's what I'm sticking with. And I have a shiny coat on. All right. Is that four for each of us, Andrew?

You know, Paul, I am so flailing as a gambler. I just look to you for your reaction and you just went, all right. Is that it for us? And now me like, oh God, why did I take the Bengals? Well, dude, that's a good. That's going to be a good Monday night game, dude. That's a that's a pick them to me because yeah, it's 1.5. That's a pick them, dude.

Um, somebody here, the dogs barking at somebody fucking. Hey, Paul, why don't you go find out what's in that fucking dog's mouth? Somebody is here. Look at that. Um, would you look at that? Would you look at that? I know what I love. I know.

I don't smack them in the fucking head. Would you look at this guy? You know what I love when old Italians guys go like this, you know, in any event. That's my favorite. Well, you know, in any event, like to get off the subject to go to something else. All right. You know what's funny, Paul? Yeah.

Is I have all this time off now that I wanted to spend all this time with my wife, you know, and fucking reconnect and all that shit. Dude, she has a fucking busier schedule than I do every day. Hey, you want to hang out? Get lunch? Say, I can't. I can't. God fucking can't fucking go over here.

Just like, what am I home for? I've been home for I've been home. I take December. Well, actually, I say that I still did some work, but I didn't have to travel. And guess what? They don't fucking care. They don't give a fuck. No, they don't.

I'm going to do a bit on my whole standup career. I always hear female comics go, oh my God, guys are such babies when they get sick. So I remember I always think of my head. All right, don't be a fucking pussy when you get sick. So you don't annoy your woman, right? I was thinking that shit. Now I've kind of realized it's sort of a spectrum. Some guys are babies when they get sick and some women, they actually get pissed at you

when you get sick because they don't look at you as somebody that they need to take care of. They'll take care of a kid. But when you get sick as the guy, they're just looking at you like, why is my personal assistant not personally assisting? You know, I like when they try to get all the Florence Nightingale shit out of the way. They come upstairs with that tray. Here's some water.

Here's some aspirin. Here's some cold meds. And here's some Alka-Seltzer. Go fuck yourself. I'm out of here. And they leave. Yeah. I love that.

Take that. Bye-bye-bye. Stay in bed. I'm out. Yeah, I love that. Men are babies when they're sick. You're babies when you're not fucking sick. You're always fucking babies.

At least I'm going to be a baby when I got 102 fucking fever. That's when you should be a fucking baby. Dude, the amount of times my wife has still gone out and I've been sick in bed is fucking hilarious. Fucking putting a bucket next to the bed. All right. I'll see you later. I would get, you're going out.

Honey, I'm coming right back. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. She said that I was being a fucking baby and I'm like, I'm being a baby. I've been fucking seven weeks on the road and finished editing a movie while having pneumonia. Go fuck yourself. Oh, dude, we're getting into it. We're getting into it on the podcast because she feels like she took care of me and I feel

like she didn't. That's the debate we're having. That's our fucking Sterling Sharp fucking, was it Sterling Sharp, Shannon Sharp? Well, Sterling was his brother who was a great wide receiver for the Packard. And a great wide receiver. And I feel a better personality on TV. Yeah, not trying to divide the sharks. All right, Paul, let's do the Monday night special.

Let the Monday night special win some money for once for you. We haven't hit one this year. All right. Why would you listen to these two? Well, you took Buffalo in your picks. So we got to go with that. We got to go. Buffalo wins this game.

Buffalo minus one and a half. We'll go with that for the Monday night special. What props did they let us do, Andrew? Yeah, what corner do they paint us into this week? Got a lot of options. Got a lot of options. I'm going to read some through. So we got Josh Allen over under 250 passing yards, over under 35 rushing yards.

Anytime touchdown, one plus passing touchdown, two plus passing touchdown. So Josh Allen, I'll say that again, over under 250 passing yards, over under. Wait, and Josh Allen, when they say Josh Allen, anytime touchdown, I mean, he could throw it or run it? Yes. Anytime touchdown. I'd go anytime touchdown. He's going north of 35 yards rushing.

Really. Josh Allen, that guy fucking, he gets them like 12 yard clips. Okay. You don't think so? No, no, that's, I don't know what his average per game is, but if that's it. No, no, no, no, no. You're the guy going four and oh, I'm the guy going one and three. I'm the guy who had to put on a fucking magician jacket this week, Paul.

And I said north of 35 and you immediately said, really? So like, what the fuck? Now you got me questioning everything. I like the bills minus one and a half. And I like Josh Allen anytime touchdown. And then spit us out some other options. We got Joe Barrow over under 275 passing yards, over under 15 rushing yards. Also anytime touchdown.

So that'll cover the quarterbacks. Dude, let's do that. So wait a minute. Anytime touchdown means running or passing. Is this correct? Yes. So this means Buffalo wins by two and Josh Allen and Barrow both have a touchdown in the game, which is passing or running.

Correct. I mean, they're both going to throw one. No. Yes. Okay. So let's just do that. You want to hear some receiver options or you want to just stick with that. You got Joe Mixon, Joe Mixon's a running back running back over under rushing 55 anytime

touchdown. That's what I meant to read first. Step on digs over under 70. I don't want to fuck with that shit because what happens is with those superstars is they fucking go, well, we're going to take away your best player. Yep. And that's how you get fucked. Step on digs.

I mean, shit, that guy's going to get a touchdown. And then they take them out of the game and some fucking Larry Lemmonster ends up getting three TDs coming off the bench. Yeah, I agree. I think that our only obstacle here is if Buffalo wins by two, which they easily can. And I definitely love Borough and Allen to get one each. So I think that that's a good bet for our listeners to make some money and finally hit one of these fucking things.

Well, we can't go 0 for 17. 17 Mondays in a row. How many times can we blame bed MGM before we look in the mirror? Hey, we won four or five last year and we are 0 for whatever this year. So we got to hit one of these two. I like to go back to back. That'd be nice. But we got to get this one.

Is this the last two weeks of the season right now? Yeah. 17. The fastest 17 weeks of your fucking life. Crazy. Where does the time go, Paul? Paul, what do you like this weekend at college football? The Georgia Bulldogs.

I like Michigan over TCU. And I think I like Georgia over the Buckeyes. Oh, absolutely. Georgia over the Buckeyes. I mean, that would be one of the biggest upsets ever if they didn't fucking absolutely stomp this shit out of them. I will say this, though, Paul. All those years of people going like, dude, Alabama.

I mean, they could beat an NFL team. Look at Mac Jones. Look at Mac Jones up there and the struggling that that guy's doing. It's like they couldn't. No. They get fucking stomped. I got one for you. Jim Harbaugh, I think win or lose the whole thing.

I think he's going back to the NFL. I think him beating Ohio State two years in a row and getting this far. I think he's done. I don't. No, OK. I think he likes the college life. I think the money and the fame and the job security, which is something you do not have. Where the fuck is he going to go, Paul?

With the Houston Texans? He's going to leave the big house for the Lions. I heard maybe the Colts because he was a Colt. So what? Fuck that, Paul. He's got Ohio State right where he wants him. He could run off fucking those hapless jackasses that inexplicably are in the fucking playoffs. Didn't play anybody this year other than Michigan and got the shit kicked out of him.

He's got payback, Paul. Yeah. Do you think two Michigan victories over Ohio State makes him feel good about all those urban Meyer losses in that fucking terrible spot that fucked him out of a victory against that guy? I don't think so, Paul. This is a guy who ran up a score on Sneaky Pete Carroll. This is a guy that went up to another guy with his fist and fucking punched him in the chest. I love that he doesn't like Sneaky Pete.

Oh, a USC was running up to score all those fucking years. So he gets Stanford. They kicked the shit out of him. They went for two at the end of the game. That's great. Pete comes up, hey, man, what's your problem? He said, what do you mean what's your fucking problem? You've been doing that sauce for years.

Your wavy-haired cunt. They'll fuck out of here. Go find another backdoor to run out of. What happened to the Seahawks, dude? They fucking, they were on there. Fucking. Did they? I don't know.

I don't know what happened to the last five weeks I've been coughing, Paul. I know. Do you actually sound better? The top of my head hurt. Remember when we had hair? Remember when your hair would hurt? You'd sleep on it in a weird way and you'd go to a movement and it would fucking hurt like it was all twisted up? That's what it felt like.

Super sensitive top of the head was from coughing. I'm not going to lie, dude. We were like four weeks in a row at you being sick and you coughed like a couple weeks ago. I was literally like, I hope my friend's okay. Dude, you were like five weeks in and you were like, I still can't get to, I'm going, yeah dude, go get some steroids or something. You sound good today though. Hey Paul, I'm a baby. I'm a fucking baby when I get sick.

Unbelievable. What a bitch getting on all those planes doing all those shows when you're under the weather. Yeah, doing 90 minute fucking shows with pneumonia. Oh dude. And I gotta listen to this. You're such a baby when you get sick. I swear to God, Paul, I'm going to stuff her in a hamper. I didn't love her, dude.

I swear to God, if I didn't love her, I would find something, the laundry bag, something I would stuff her in there just to do it. You were like three minutes from a collapsed lung. Huh? You were like three minutes from like a collapsed lung. Everybody I know has coughs for four weeks and has pneumonia. They get like, my mom had a collapsed lung. Like the fact that you were out there doing all those shows, traveling, going to game, like yeah dude, that was a beast mode. That was amazing.

It was a stupid mode. I should have just gone, my wife did tell me to go to the fucking urgent care. But you know, I got that from my parents. Well, you're going to go down there. They're not going to find anything and they're going to charge you a whole bunch of money. That's what my parents used to say all the time. That's why I almost died from a ruptured appendix. You're fine.

It's just a stomach virus. No dude, you know, people know their bodies. Like I went one time and the doctor was like glad you came. You got to go to the emergency room and I had surgery that night. People know their bodies, man. Man, I heard that the other day. This guy told me this amazing story about this doctor. Oh dude, this is nuts.

Tell this. I forget what the two things were. He did some operation in the neck area and this person was saying, you know, he left and they said that they couldn't breathe and blah, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I'm dying. And he got the call and everything he said and going, I think you'd be alright. He sat down and he remembered from his medical training, two things everybody knows. I forget what the first one was, but the second was people know when they're dying. And he said to his wife, I got to go to the hospital.

He went to the hospital and there was some sort of complication and she was literally suffocating on her own fucking. Wait, didn't he have to go to her house and not have the proper tools? Wasn't that the story? Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to get into the whole fucking thing. Okay. They didn't have the problem. He was in another country doing plastic surgery is what it was.

And they didn't have what he needed. So he just MacGyvered it because he had to get all this stuff out that was sitting on her neck. This is disgusting. This is a sports podcast. This is not what we're supposed to be talking about. What are we going to do next? Show the Joe Thiveman fucking broken leg? Hey, at least that's sports related.

It is sports related. All right. All right. There you go, guys. This has been the bet MGM preview NFL preview for week number 17. We want to thank everybody for listening. Please rate and review the show moves it up. Did I really wear a Patriots jacket and then bet against my Patriots?

Like what is wrong with me? Yeah, you want to switch it? Yes. Yes. There you go. Take the Patriots minus three, dude. No Tua. Miami's one lost four in a row.

I was going to say that. I didn't want to sway you. Good for you. I know dolphins are going to win, but I like this jacket and I'm not winning this year anyway. I got my head. You know, Paul, we're just taking the season trying to get Andrew Luck. I'm going Indianapolis Colts right here. Cheating, but not getting called on it.

Well, guys, how do you get? How do you bet with us and do all the stuff? You go to bet MGM and you get their app because they're the best live lines out there. We love working with them, having them as a sponsor. Here's how it works. You go to bet MGM app. You download it. Use bonus code BRR, B-U-R-R.

Put as little as $10 in and they will match up to $1,000. Even if you lose, all you got to do is put in bonus code BRR. That's B-U-R-R. And yeah, bet responsibly. They have the best live lines out there. You could go to our Monday Night Special. I know we've been bad this year with it, but we're hopefully going to bounce back and get you guys some money.

There's been nothing special about our Monday Night Special. I got a feeling if our problem this week, not problem, but the one hurdle will be Buffalo winning the game. I don't have a problem. Never had problems. I don't get sick. I've never had a cold. Everybody knows I've never had a problem.

Never had a problem. I always, I always hit a Monday Night Special. Dude, I like Jamie Foxx does that. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Fake news. Fake news.

Dude, that's a great one. Jamie Foxx is a great one. All right. So there you go. Monday Night Special. Bills by two. And Josh Allen and Joe Burrow both to get an anytime touchdown in the game. If that doesn't happen, if the last two don't happen,

then we're going to just fucking have our wives pick the next, the last week's Monday Night Special. Maybe we'll fucking win that way. I have my kids come in here. That's a good idea, actually. Yeah. If we don't win one, I just, we'll call a random relative and say, what do you think?

I like that. There you go. All right, guys. This has been anything better NFL preview. We'll be back with another long, anything better next year. Happy New Year. Have a great holiday last week of 22. And we'll talk to you.

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And then I try to make my way to the ordinary world. I will learn to survive. People's in the rocks I tell of suffering and grief. Fear today, forgot tomorrow. Besides the news of holy war and holy me. Ours is just a little sorrow talk. And I don't cry for yesterday. There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find you.

And then I try to make my way to the ordinary world. I will learn to survive. If I want. If I want. I will learn to survive. If I want. I will learn to survive. If I want.

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