Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-23

Episode Date: February 4, 2023

Bill rambles about a slipper day, Burt Reynolds, and sitting in a funk. MVMT: Save big on your best Valentine’s Day gift ever with 20% off at www.MVMT.com and use code BILLBURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just checking in on you I'm just checking in on you. Just seeing how you're doing. How are you doing today? I hope you're doing better than me Because I'll tell you what I will fucking tell you what I Was old fucking Billy Blues The last two days man. I was just fucking sad You know Maybe just get like you don't even know why you said you've been burying it so long

You don't even know what the sadness is connected to wow jeez I'm going into the muck and the mire the Maya Um, yeah, dude, and I was I did something that I never do I just sat in it and kind of wrote it out tried to figure it out as opposed to doing what I've been doing my whole life, which is like. Oh, I'll just go do stand-up. Oh Fucking go play some drums. I'll learn how to fly a helicopter. Yeah, that'll do it. Just just think about other stuff So I Don't know what it was just some sort of left over shit

and It was one of those deals where I still had my slippers on it one in the afternoon Which is funny on two levels one that I still had on slippers at one in the afternoon and two that I wear slippers and I do I Have the oldest fucking pair. I don't even know what I you know I just every time I think of throwing something else. I just picture all that shit in the fucking ocean I'm like, where is this gonna end up? In the ground Or out there in the water like why should some porpoise have to deal with my old slippers

Why do fish have to deal with any mistakes that we make here on land? It's it's you know, I understand other animals Like cheetahs and pigeons and all of that shit. It's just like, you know, you share this with us okay You had the ability to overpower us and kill us Back when we were in the caves and you didn't do it. You fucking blew it You had your opportunity to put us to bed, right? What did all the predators do? What did they do? Just like a bad football team. They let us hang around And all of a sudden we was still there in the fourth quarter

Just sat there as we figured out fire. I will get to I'll get to killing those fuckers these Prehistoric will the beast the two goddamn delicious and they let us fucking hang around and now look at us running wild There's only one predator left that can take us out and that's mother nature and she's been sleeping on the couch for fucking centuries And I think she's finally starting to wake up And we will see what happens. So anyway, so I have slippers people. I don't know when I got them I don't know why I had them and I was just sitting there in bed being sad No, I don't want to practice French. I don't want to play my draw. I don't fucking do anything. I just stayed in it and Somewhere around 130 I

Was just sitting there going like alright You know, I'm never getting this day back. So this is what it's gonna be. Why don't we have a little victory here? There is a bunch of shit in your sock drawer that is not socks. Why don't we clear that out and I started doing that and then I moved on to my undo I started feeling better and I moved on to my underwear drawer I got like, you know, I Had those fucking some old boxers in there, you know where the the band starts getting all like all bunched up and wrinkled like It's had enough To had enough big meals, you know, it's done the job

Telled you junk long enough and just like alright guys, you know, put me out the pasture. It's ready. It's ready to retire Right like the great Tom Brady So fucking sifted through that You know And I just started feeling better and next thing, you know, I had a few things to do Started moving around or something. So I'm gonna kind of do a combination of that See if I can work my way through whatever the fuck my problem is But I mean, I'm not like, you know clinically

depressed You know, like those people that can't even get off the ground I fortunately don't have that and it's just like this overwhelming like melancholy every once in a while It's like, what am I doing? I don't know. What am I doing? The fuck am I doing? What is this all? What is it all me, right? I'll tell you what's hilarious is My son woke me up this morning 7 0 1 in the morning. He can now get out of the crib

I got to put pillows all the way around His crib We have like a monitor. So at night when he goes to start doing it, we hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, we can talk to him Lay back down he goes, okay He's fucking he's at such a fucking hilarious age. He's hilarious You know, I put him to bed the other night and I said, all right, good night, buddy and he goes He goes, all right, he goes he goes night night, sweetie Because that's what my wife says to him

He said good night, sweetie. It was hilarious. It was like he was breaking my balls All right, there's sugar right there sweet tits. I'll see you later fucking laughing my ass off walking out of the room um So anyway, talk about cheering you up, right? So he came into the room this morning 7 0 1 comes bursting in he should be in bed for another half hour But now he knows how to get out. He also gets out of his sleep sack. He doesn't even have to like unzip it It's like fucking harry houdini. I don't know if he separates one of his little shoulders How harry used I don't know how he gets out of it, but the bag is just sitting there

Like he the sleep sack like he you know Took on a different form And just stepped out of it You know like I got left behind or something. That's how it looks pass fire right next to it sleep sack on the ground and he's In my room 7 0 1 And I hear the door open i'm like what in god's name What's my daughter doing up this early and I hear the I hear that dun dun

Dun dun dun dun dun dun, you know those little feet running up to bed and i'm like, all right My daughter does not walk like that and I Look open my eye one eye and I look over He just goes hey dad Like it was two in the afternoon french toast Dad dad french toast and i'm like in a little while Buddy i'm still sleeping and he goes

oh And that's it now i'm up Because they get into bed in no matter how big the bed is they're gonna be right on you pushing their feet into you the whole time Breathing loudly so it's like all right, I guess we're up and uh I went downstairs and I started slinging the french toast um anyway So that was my morning

um Took my daughter to school and all of that and then I came home And uh, I was feeling the cold coming on so I didn't go to the gym And I was like all right you're trying to take time off bill because I was like oh, I don't have to go to the gym Huh, let me try I'll go fucking do this. Huh, I'll fucking do that. I go no Why don't you just fucking actually try to relax And fight off this cold So I go all right that's what i'm gonna do and I sat in that bed and within 40 minutes

I went from completely denying my feelings to being neck deep and whatever the fuck is wrong with me And i'm just like how high up is this gonna go Is my head going under what is gonna happen And yeah, that's it. I sat there for three and a half hours. I watched um I'd watched a burt reynolds movie with my buddy the other night. I watched um Sharky's machine, which I loved when I was a kid. It came out when I was 13 years old And I went back and I saw that So I was like, all right, I'm gonna watch another burt reynolds movie. How do you lay off a burt reynolds?

Now somebody else was telling me that their favorite movie that burt reynolds did was hooper So I was like, I love that movie and I saw it when I was a kid. All right, let me go check that out And uh, I watched that one Um You know burt reynolds terry bradshaw. How do you lay off that? I will tell you this though having watched A lot of burt reynolds work He was a really great actor And I just feel like they didn't use them

Necessarily the right way all the time. You know what I mean? They always had him in these these sort of like comedies and stuff, but I prefer them way more in like deliverance Sharky's machine um Boogie knights, I like I I love that side of him I mean, I believe me. I love cannonball run smoking the bandit hooper. I still love those movies, but I really like The ones where um, you know when when sharky's machine came out

They asked him what the move to describe the movie and he called it dirty harry in Atlanta So, um You know and it's kind of the best of burt reynolds where it's like You get the humor you get the action But then it's also like this really serious story and you get to see him like you know

Doing like I don't know more like a grounded role Rather than just driving some car fast and fucking going over, you know doing the duke's of hazard jumps, which I love Don't get me wrong It's kind of funny that those movies just kind of went away Like when was the last time there was a good car movie? you know Like I was talking to a buddy of mine about burt reynolds And he had me dying laugh and talking about like dude. I wanted to be that guy so bad like he was literally

Like the benchmark of what being a good-looking guy was for like this 10 year period and uh I gotta tell you as a ginger Looking at burt reynolds. It's going like I ain't ever pulling that off I mean who didn't want to fucking look like that guy Jesus christ um But I also think that's another thing that kind of pulled me like into the sadness going back to that time in my life

or whatever like I'll let you know You know that weird shitty a childhood where it was like awesome because you didn't have any bills and you were free But then there's all the other bullshit Attached to it or whatever. I also like what I do like about like when I I saw sharky's machine and then I saw What's this? What was the one I saw the michael man movie thief with james con what I love about that early 80s era is it was such a bad era for american cars and watching them try to get a cool car

For for the lead because that was a big fucking deal back in the day. What kind of car is this guy gonna drive? um Was I felt equally as important as as the the the actor You know what I mean, you know, what did steve macgarit drive? You know in hawaii 5o. What's he gonna drive all the way through the casino movies the? um Bronx tale what's chas palman terries character gonna drive you that's 67 I think it was 66 or 67 Cadillac

That candy apple red just backing it down the fucking straight. Oh my god I mean, it's just I mean i'm in i'm fucking in I wish they would do that more. I wish to take two tone paint different colors and better interiors would come back um Those infinite options. I just saw a guy. He had a fucking dodge uh Challenger, I don't know what year it was but it was fucking badass and had the gas the

The gas cap first of all it looked like the gas cap alone looked like weighed like fucking eight pounds And it was sitting on top of the left rear quarter panel Um, which I thought was badass. I mean that's to have it there is badass and then also to have it behind the license plate Like that's what I remember for being a kid And they were like running out of gas and all of that allegedly running out It was literally a gas shortage think about that 50 years ago Everybody was in a panic that they were gonna run out of gas and I was saying to my grandfather there's gonna be no gas by the time I learned how to drive

And uh, you know the speed limit they kept dropping the speed limit the speed limit's gonna be like 35 miles an hour I remember smoking his pipe going. Oh no Sean. No never don't ever drop it down that low And he was right. He called it. He fucking called it Maybe another reason for my sadness Uh that I fell into this week is because there's something about that week Between that week off between the AFC and NFC championship games and the Super Bowl That reminds you You know that there's there's only one football game left. It reminds you what

Your weekends are going to be like this weird thing That happens for the rest of uh February where you deal with no Uh, what the fuck is this thing doing? Okay, not now. Sorry not now. These goddamn fucking messages You know what kills me about these fucking computers and phones? I mean, I can't make them do anything But if I brush up against it, there's like 20 commands come up You know?

You know? Like if you just sort of brush your keyboard and your your home screen all of a sudden all four things go to the corner Like every window you had open you're like, how the fuck did I do that? It's like miniature golf you send it through the windmill and it goes down the screwy thing and it goes into the hole You could never do it again. Well, maybe you could it's miniature golf. Who's kidding? Anyway, but then you get March Madness and then you get the uh the NHL NBA Playoffs or whatever I don't know. What does that say about me that if I don't have sports?

Specifically football That all of a sudden I am laying in bed on a random Thursday with my slippers on at 1 30 in the fucking afternoon Um, all right, let's stop being a sad second. Let's fucking bring this around Let's bring it around. All right. It's the first 10 days of the month So this is where oh billy detox kicks in no cigars No coffee. No sugar. None of that shit um I did have an espresso today just because someone made me one and I didn't want to they didn't know and I was like

I can't let it go to waste You guys like, uh, you fucking asshole. I I had to admit it to you. I was gonna sit there and be like, look at me I can just not do it You know, I came downstairs You know, my lovely wife had made it for me and I came downstairs Because the coffee cups she got me the espresso cup from They could fit two shots, but they're really small but the um The coffee maker that she got me, uh

You know the spouts go out both sides and the cups were too small So I had to put a bigger cup down there, but I wanted the little mob boss one So she got me the bigger ones. So she was showing me that I was like, you know, I can't drink that She goes, oh, I just want to show you that was in the bigger cup So I was like, oh, I gotta go downstairs and look at it and once I looked at it smelled It was like, all right, I have you gonna drink that and she hates espresso. So I was like, all right. Well, this is just the one so I'll add another day at some point

Whatever. Fuck you guys. I'm trying. Okay Um I am also, uh I'm gonna get back to doing some stand-up. I'm done stand-up in a few weeks. Maybe that's another thing bumping me out But uh, I'm gonna start doing some stand-up around town. I got a whole bunch of new shit because I've been out, um Living a life here and uh, having a good time until this afternoon um I'm gonna fly tomorrow and tomorrow my goal is there's a couple of airports that I'm really intimidated by

Uh soloing into so I'm gonna do that. There's a few that I've wanted to go to for a long time Like I wanted to go to santa barbara But santa barbara is this whole fucking thing where once you start flying up the coast You got to get on with the approach and then there's this whole way they bring you in And they get really, you know, they get really like uh prickly if you don't know what you're doing The bottom line is they just sort of yell at you right Did I ever tell you guys when I was first learning how to fly if I I learned how to fly this school doesn't exist anymore

It was down in long beach. There's a great airport down there Um And I learned how to fly there. So I was doing my first cross country solo And cross country sounds like you're going all the way across the country You're not you're only flying like that. I think it's like 20 nautical miles And you have to but you have to like either set down off airport or You know do an approach at an airport for it to be able to log it as cross country

so I'm fucking doing this thing and uh You fly out of Long beach. I remember oh my god. I remember I was Starting the helicopter up. It was a little r-22. It was in the summer. It was in june And it was hot as fuck I didn't leave the door open and I was all nervous and shit and the fucking it just kept getting hotter and hotter inside that bubble And uh, of course, I make my radio call

And I did it on the ground too when I was still on the ground and you know to get clearance And the tower told me to hold so I'm holding and I'm sweating And there's an instructor with a student and a helicopter behind me to follow me To help me out in case I get lost I think and um not like they could do anything if I had a problem But I knew that they were sitting there and then finally I got the clearance and I just fucking yanked Uh the collective which is the uh the emergency break in tune I just shot up in the air and then I was like I was bucking a bronco for a second And I just had you know for half a second was like oh my god. What the fuck

It was only for like a split second or whatever. I just went to myself like all right Just fucking calm down get your shit together. So and then I started taking off and that air started coming into the cabin and I was able to relax sort of right So now I'm flying you fly up north downy then you might make a right on still remember this 91 east So then I got out and then all of a sudden I was out of Long beach airport and you know, I'd done so many flights there that that's your little airy space where you feel okay And you recognize the people's voices on the tower all of a sudden and now I'm just out and

The real shit here, right? I'm fucking out there. So I'm going 91 east and there's this airport Fullerton I remember I went by there and the call you were supposed to make Is Fullerton tower helicopter blah blah blah You know 91 east requesting Whatever requesting east 91 east transition And I said Fullerton traffic Which is basically the call you make when you just sort of

Not in anybody's airspace as far as an airport. You're just basically an echo airspace general airspace So you just say la traffic blah blah blah blah blah and then you know, there's all these reporting points Capital records buildings so people know where the fuck you are what altitude you're at in which direction you're going So that's when you say traffic, but I called the tower You're supposed to say Fullerton tower and I said Fullerton like Fullerton traffic student pilot. Oh, He's coming This guy It's fucking asshole. He starts yelling it. I literally said student pilot

You know, you know, I'm freaking out right And he goes you don't say he goes this is a tower. You're calling a tower You say Fullerton tower and I went full of traffic and I just was you know, I was like stuck And he just kept yelling at me and then he finally gave me clearance And that was like just to begin the flight I'm like, yeah, fuck right fucking it up, man I'm yanking the collect the fuck am I doing I'm talking myself. I kept looking at that empty goddamn seat Next to me going like man if something happens, I've been a fucking

I hope I know what I'm doing right So then you go 91 then it's kind of all right You just got to get some wires out there. You just got to make sure whatever altitude I figured altitude you needed to be at but I made sure I was above that and if I saw wires I passed over the tower as opposed to where the wires are so you can see what you're flying over right doing all of that then you go by corona which is a uncontrolled there's no tower so

I was thinking okay, that's great. So there'll be nobody yelling at me. I didn't realize that those fucking You know those uncontrolled ones is where a bunch of yahoo's like me Practice because they don't want to get yelled at by the guy down at Fullerton So fortunately there was nobody there, you know Zipping around not on the fucking radio is they seem to love to do as they seem to love to do right so um I basically uh I fucking uh, I don't know so I went by there and I had to go over to riverside

That's what I had to go over to fucking riverside That was a controlled airport and I went in there Jesus Christ a fucking drop and everything here so I go in there and uh I do that one fine and then you got to take off and try desperately not to get lost That was the thing like trying not to get fucking lost when you come out of there to go back onto the 91 and not do whatever that 50 something or 50 north was I remember that and um And then you made like this turn to the south and I went all the way out to fucking french valley And I think that went all right

I believe that went up what long story short. I ended up fucking doing the flight fine um, I think when I left french valley I I He wanted me to take off Whatever I did I kind of did wrong and this guy had to do a fucking go around In a plane I believe Yeah, tell you there's a rough one. Okay so then I fucking um I ended up uh, I get back

And unless you have three hours on the Hobbes meter, which is basically the odometer like but for a helicopter or a plane You had to log three hours time And if you came back before that you you know you'd have to do it again Which means not only do you have to do it again You also have to pay to do it again all the fuel and all that shit So they say look if you come back if you fly too fast And you come back Just fly the pattern

You know, so that's what I ended up doing. I came back and I was about 15 minutes early. So I can't you know, I well I went by Fullerton again, and I went forward in traffic My guy's like this is the same guy. It's full it's in tower full it's in tower. You say full it's in tower I'm like student pilot full it in traffic Holy shit, so he fucking I get through his airspace and then I go to go down, you know over to long beach North downy approach I asked for a pad assignment

Made the left turn into the downwind and then I fucking landed You know on one of the pads there and then they used to have four pads. I think they're down to three And uh, and I just flew the pattern for like 15 minutes. I just kept looking I think it was like down between your legs is where the pops was on the robinson I can't remember. I just kept looking down going. Fuck. I gotta do it again. I'd fly around And then finally it flipped over it was three hours and I went, you know You know left traffic over to what LA helicopters or Atlantic whatever the fuck the call was And I came around I remember when I set that fucking thing

I'll never forget when I when I pulled the mixture and the engine shut off the fucking relief Of like, oh my god. Thank god. I did it right You know, I shut it down everything I put the wheels on it. I dragged it back into the parking spot next to the all the other 22s and uh I logged it whatever talked to my instructor blah blah blah blah blah and I just remembered Like for the next like three hours Like I was in I don't I don't know what headspace I had to go into to be able to do that

But I was sort of locked in it and people were talking to me and I wasn't really listening to that And the only other time I've ever felt like that was after I did that show in philly when I got booed by all of those people I just remember for like the next day just walking around new york and everybody I saw I was trying to like Think of an insult for them Oh, I had that feeling another time too. I was playing uh What is that? What's the highest? Um award you can win as a soldier metal of honor. I was playing metal of honor And I played it all day one day and then I had to go out go do my spots

And it was a lot of sniper shooting in that and when I went out on the street I was looking across the street at people and that little x was on their heads Anyway So for the longest time fullerton bugged me I I um I went into uh, I sold it in there though last year and I kind of slayed that one So then this there's another one that I um, I'm not gonna talk about until I actually Until I go in there successfully

So anyway, um, there you go. Say there you go. Okay. Oh billy becomes a sad sack every once in a while You know, he has tough days and then he has his little hobbies to try to pull him out of it Um All right, so You know what? So I actually saw something on instagram. I know hilarious, right? Is that true or not? They were talking about for stress if you breathe in through your nose nice deep Breath of air and before you let it out you do another quick inhale It inflates all these other little

Areas of your lungs you don't use and then your night's big exhale you get this All this carbon dioxide out of you and it allegedly brings your stress level down Now I've been doing that and it feels like it works, but I can't tell if it's like, uh, what is that? Fucking, uh, Vladimir Putin's dog, whatever the Vlad vatsky's dog, what's that fucking thing? If you go to a party somebody's gonna say it one of those, you know, somebody's gonna say it's like, uh, Pavlov's dog Oh, is it is that what it's like or is it like every fucking party you go to somebody always has to say that

Do they bill now? Occasionally somebody says it and I never can fucking remember it and makes me feel stupid. So now I'm lashing out against People I don't even know at parties. I don't go to all right. Here's a live read for this week movement everybody MVMT MVMT Uh, you're missing that final piece to level up your life movement MVMT is your new favorite watch brand Uh, they're a small team of dreamers in Venice Beach, California have perfect perfected Sleek original ultra clean watch design and for Valentine's Day. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's all about her, isn't it? Uh, they're going all in with a huge sale

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Code burr for 20 off. All right. There you go My podcast studio is fixed. It is back Um, I am psyched about that. I am thankful for that and um I'm talking to my my booker. I'm gonna get some stand updates on the books I'm ready to go out because I don't want to spend my days 1 30 in the afternoon of my slippers being billy sad sack here. All right. Enjoy the music picked out by the wonderful extremely talented Um, andrew themalus and then we'll have a bonus episode of the monday morning podcast No, the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast that is all enjoy the pro bowl

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at the time Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast from monday dekawari second 2015 how you doing how to fuck ah um I know what you guys are all expecting You guys are all expecting me for to get on this fucking podcast and to start going absolutely fucking crazy Because the new england patriots won another fucking super bowl and beat the loudmouth green cunts

From seattle. You know what? There is nothing that I would love to do more than that I would love to sit here and tell you that I enjoyed every fucking second of that goddamn game But unfortunately all freckles missed the game Every fucking second of that game. I missed and I know what you guys are thinking. Well, jesus bill. Were you kidnapped? Did somebody chloroform rag you what the fuck happened? What happened was is I booked this fucking tour in australia new zealand singapore

I hope this is recording. It's not going to be too loud. I'm doing it on my fucking iphone because uh You know because i'm in fucking new zealand and I can't get any outlets to work and my batteries don't fucking work I'm just having a technological nightmare. Anyways You know, I booked this fucking tour back in november How the hell did I know the patriots were going to be in the goddamn super bowl? I didn't know, you know I'm one of the few fucking football fans that actually admits that he had no fucking idea what his team was going to do this year I had no idea

You know Um, I can't fucking believe you won. I just landed. I was literally in the air The exact moment the fucking game started and when I landed it was fucking over. I missed absolutely Everything. Uh, I'm obviously unbelievably psyched that we won for a number of fucking reasons aside from the obvious, you know

More so than fucking excited that we won. I'm just so happy that I didn't get half to watch Richard Sherman run into fucking brady's face and disrespect the guy again that whole fucking you mad bro thing I just I don't know You know, you're running up to a champion. The guy's got three rings You want a regular season game and you treat him like he's a fucking rookie? I mean, I don't know I've never liked people that do that type of shit I'm sure he's a hell of a guy to sit down and have a fucking cappuccino with but I just you know All that mugging to the camera and shit. I've already seen the highlights

We did the 24 thing and all that and I'm sure That's another thing that would have kind of ruined the super bowl for me It was every five seconds. They got a cut over to him or his reaction I hate when they do that to tom brady Like if the other team scores and you got to see tom brady sitting there with that. I'm mad. Look on his face It's like I this there's too much fucking coverage at this point having said all of that um I'm so it's this is this is the weird kind of like fucking

excitement Like the level of excitement I have right now is I guess I know what it feels like before the days of tv and radio You know, we just live in the middle of nowhere and someone walks up to you and like ethyl. Did you hear? We won the war Really? That's what I feel like right now. I got on a fucking plane and um Yeah, I missed the whole thing and I was Praying to god that they were going to have live tv because they had sports bars down here that had the fucking game on and everything

And um, you know, I know what a lot of you guys are going to see Well, why didn't you change your fucking flight? um Because I am on the other side of the fucking world and I can't miss shows Because of a fucking football game be at the super bowl or not be the super bowl Okay, with tom brady fucking cancel a flight to watch one of my specials. I don't think he would You know, I don't want to get all bronx tail on you right now, but I you know, I got a fucking life I got a lead here, so

Um Ah my god, I can't believe I missed the fucking game But uh, pardon me when I saw the ending and there was another fucking ridiculous catching the ball against your helmet and your ball bag Catch and it looked like we were going to lose again. I literally would have died a thousand deaths I can tell you right now I would have missed that interception because after that fucking catch I would have been walking outside Doing laps around my house Like you got to be fucking kidding me. Um

But anyways, uh, I'm psyched that we won obviously and You know my condolences to seattle seahawk fans the real ones the ones from back in the king dome era The ones that are still going to be In your fucking stadium after p carroll's gone and everybody's fucking gone and you guys, you know Stink again the same way the patreots will stink again when bella check and brady leave those the real fucking fans I feel bad for you. All you fucking loudmouth shit talking fucking cunts Who wear those lime green wigs?

You are the guys that i'm happy that you fucking suffered that loss go fuck yourselves With your stupid 12th man fucking shirts Do you know I heard seattle actually has to pay The college texas a and m for that 12th man thing that they didn't come up with that, you know So they got to pay them and not to mention the buffalo bills Had a 12th man thing, you know back in the early fucking 90s I don't know. I'm just so fucking happy that we won And that uh, you know, who knows i'm sure they'll fucking they'll measure the thread count

In the fucking towels that we were using to dry the balls off with i'm sure jim ursay is somewhere trying to figure Out a fucking way to try to taint this fucking victory I swear to christ Did you guys see that thing where the atlanta falcons? Maybe got busted for for pumping extra crowd noise in Did you happen to catch that story? I swear to god if the patriots did something like that, we would literally be sitting down in front of the fucking senate You know that was another thing another reason why I was so fucking happy that we won because i'm so fucking sick of winning games

and these fucking cunts bitching about absolute horseshit at the end of the fucking game i mean The flay gate the flay gate all of that fucking shit and and nobody brings up How many people on the fucking seattle seahawks team have tested positive for steroids over the last four fucking years? Nobody brings up that p carol had a championship taken away from him for fucking cheating and i gotta tell you something I don't give a fuck

I don't give a fuck that seattle used steroids I'm sure we're fucking using them too and whatever fucking p carol did At the college level i know there's a bunch of other coaches doing the same fucking thing so I don't know why people get cunty with us, but who gives a fuck we won the goddamn thing and i am literally sitting out here In the fucking abyss that's like i'm ridiculously excited Like this must be like what it's like to find out the patriots one if you're sitting in fucking wallpole prison In like solitary confinement. I can't fucking believe i missed it Jesus fucking christ i'm sitting there watching documentaries about cricket

My fucking headphones won't work down here nothing's fucking working um, so anyways if you called if you're fucking Are listening this week to hear my blow by blow horseshit you're not going to get it this week So i suggest you listen to another podcast, but if you want to know what my fucking australian tour is like in in the new zealand that's basically uh I guess what i'm going to be talking i can't fucking believe what are the fucking odds What are the fucking odds that literally from the time my flight started to when it ended that was the exact time that the game was on Um, I I don't know anything about the game. I really don't I just know in the end is that seattle was up by 10 points

And for some reason they're going to say that they lost the game By not running marshawn lynch in but I would just say that if you were up 10 points With a quarter to go there's more than one reason why you lost that fucking game and uh You know, I don't think it's the worst call in super bowl history. I think it's going to be called that because it didn't work You know what I mean and uh If it fucking works then he's a genius I mean talk about guts Everybody in the building is keying on marshawn lynch and he dumps you know that that was going to be the fucking thing

I'm just so happy that the patriots didn't lose another super bowl on some fucking circus catch I swear to god after the helmet catch Well, I guess, you know, I didn't actually mind the fucking helmet catch As much as I meant I I was annoyed that asante saniel dropped that interception other than that Um, the 2007 super bowl wasn't that bad because I felt that the giants were a better team the second giant loss That one was brutal because we fucking blew that game Um, we fucking blew that game. We had the right call and it was brady de welker eight yard pass wide open

And it bounces off his back fucking shoulder that would ice the game. That was a fucking brutal one, but uh that first one We definitely lost so Anyways, there you go another championship for boston. How do you like that new york city? Huh nine championships In like 12 seasons What do you got 58 fucking teams and you can't even do that? Yeah, it's a fucking unreal um Jesus christ, why am I shitting on fucking new york? You know, I'm shitting on new york because my fucking team won the super bowl

I didn't even get to fucking see it unbelievable. I'm fucking believable. So I guess I taped the game. So i'm gonna have to watch it after I do gigs in new zealand and then singapore hong kong Mumbai india and then I go to new york for the patrice o'neill uh benefit speaking of which last night But when I let me let me just finish here Seriously, dude, my condolences to uh, clc york fans. I know i'm breaking your balls a little bit

There's nothing fucking worse than losing a goddamn super bowl and to lose it like that in the fucking end I know it fucking blows But you know He just got fucking well that extra fucking horseshit hype about you guys being allowed You know, it got a little annoying So maybe I am being a little bit of a cunt. What are you gonna do anyways? um plowing ahead here

uh Speaking of the patrice o'neill comedy benefit that we're doing for the third time Which I want to thank everybody Over the last three years who've who've bought tickets because you've really You've changed people's lives that patrice loved. All right. I'm not going to get into the details of it, but like, you know This this charity's on the up and up. All right, just know that You know, we're not doing a show with a pink microphone Um

This is so fucked up people tweeted me so much shit About awful commercials during the super bowl and I just had no I literally you know I might as well have been orbiting the earth in the fucking space shuttle That's like how how much a little I know about whatever the fuck happened um, I do know that it looked like a hell of a game and uh Uh You know my heart said we were gonna win. I had a feeling we were gonna win, but my brain said that uh You know on paper we were gonna lose

And to be honest with you before the game started when I was thinking about it. I had no feeling one way or the other Uh, I didn't have a bad feeling like we were gonna win. I didn't have a good feeling If we won by 40 or lost by 40 I I I don't think either would have surprised me. I just had no fucking idea on this one. So Anyways, I feel like I'll let you guys down because I was you know, I'm doing this fucking God damn tour and you wanted to hear me gloating shit, but uh, you know, I'm not a guy I'm not a guy who fucking gloats anyways. Come on. I break balls, but I don't fucking do that I'm not gonna fucking sit here and go act like I played the goddamn game, but um

anyways And as much as I don't like the way Richard Sherman acts when he fucking wins That guy is one of the best corners in the fucking lake. He is and I wish he was on my team Although I wouldn't like to watch that fucking dumb shit that he does. Um, so anyways Uh, like I said speaking of the patrice o'neill benefit, um Last night I was playing the uh, the sydney opera house Which is was a ridiculous honor playing two shows there And at the end of the show somebody in the front row handed me a shirt that they made

um That had patrice. I'll take a picture of it. It's fucking unreal. It has patrice on the front and then on the back Is patrice talking to me and it's got collin quinn Uh, keith robinson jim norton Uh, look robber kelly's in it. It's the fucking shirt is unbelievable and uh The person in the front row just handed it to me as I was getting off this You know as I was getting off really quick So I just grabbed it and I just you know, I handed him my set list from the show

Which I hope didn't come off as a douchey move. I'm just kind of getting off stage there and um, I didn't have a chance to look at it until I got backstage Whoever you are that made that shirt, please try and reach out to me on twitter or whatever because uh You know, I wish I could have thanked you Um Personally for because it's a fucking unbelievable Uh piece of work. I don't know how the hell you did it and I wish you made more of them um

Because I know all my friends would love one and it was just amazing but um anyways, I'm about a week into this tour of Australia and it has been uh You know, I'm just thinking right now. I'm thinking of all the patrice fans that are just fucking shutting it off right now Going what the fuck dude? I thought he was gonna go off Sorry, I didn't see the game goodness Anyways, let me get back into the you know what I did do this week. I I saw some tennis Does that help you out at all this sports fans? I um

I went to the australian open I saw some tennis I saw maria sharapova in the semis And I saw serena williams both winning the semis to play each other in the finals and uh If you've never been to a tennis match, this is so fucking funny to be doing this the day after a super bowl I might as well be baking a pie right now um If you've never been to a uh

To a fucking tennis match, you know, just the level of wealth That is there like, you know, um, you know, first of all the tickets weren't that hard to get Like, uh, you know, I just scalped a pair of them. You know, I'm not gonna lie You know, they were like 300 bucks a whack, but I'm like fuck it, man You know, it's it's It's one of the majors. I'll fucking, you know Bring it up on the card. I'll deal with it later. Right fucking and when you go there Like the level of fucking wealth that's sitting around there and they smell it on you when you show up

The second they see the fact that you're not wearing loafers with no socks on They just look at you like you're a fucking animal You know and you watch them getting all boozed up and shit And I always get excited when I sit around those people just I just want to ask them, you know, shit like, you know When's the dollar gonna collapse like what's the inside information that you fucking know You know those people like they sit there, right? They have tickets for the whole day. We just had for the afternoon, right and they're sitting there and they got They wear like the sweaters

You know where you're not wearing it. You just have it draped over your shoulder You don't you don't have it tied around your neck. You just have it draped over I think that's the new way to do it and they're not doing it like ironically Like they they have a sweater for when it gets cold later when they're watching the tennis But anyways, we sat close enough um I got got to watch serene right before she won the the 19th Her 19th championship. So I got to do that. I went to bond scott's grave

when I was out in when I was out in perth And um, it was really cool. They had a little bench there because I guess bonds Mother for as far as I know is still alive. She's well into her 90s and up until recently Would go down and visit the grave every almost every day, which of course is really sad but they so they made they raised some money they made like a little bench for her and everything and uh You know, it's it's if you ever get a chance to go to australia man perth first of all perth is the shit I talked to some woman when I was here in the states and she tried to tell me, you know, she was from australia

and she was shitting all over it saying it like it was You know that it was fucking horrific or whatever. It's uh, it's quite the opposite man very impressive city seems like the kind of place where you'd uh Vacation or something man beautiful beaches that was another thing cool Tools we uh, we went down to the beach one day And uh, quit laughing. Fuck you. I know I'm pasty, but I had to do it, you know um and

Just to see the indian ocean You know never seen that and uh, my wife, of course went in the ocean because she fucking loves the ocean and I sort of Frolicked along the fucking Along the fucking beach. I just do not go I went into the water just to say I've been in the fucking indian ocean but I do not fuck with I just don't fuck with the ocean on any level and um

But if I was gonna fuck with it I would go all in like I would get certified to scuba dive and the next time I come here I would go to the great barrier reef and I would do that before I would fucking just start I don't know swimming along the fucking coast, you know, like I guess that the sharks come out In the morning they they're basically out when the seals are out So you don't want to be out when the seals are out. I guess it's early morning and dusk or something and um They they were telling me some fucking story where there was a helicopter following An 18-foot tiger shark just keeping an eye on it to make sure it didn't go into the beach area

I mean give me a fucking break. I'm not going in that goddamn water You know, it's funny about the australians down here too when they talk about somebody getting attacked by a shark They don't say you got attacked. They say you got taken And I was like, yeah, there was a bloke got taken. I don't say bloke. I came out the fuck they said this It'd be like some dude got taken About 20 miles up. They told the story. I don't even know if this is true if they're just trying to scare a tourist But they were saying this fucking guy was surfing And he was you know

Not waiting for a wave. He was in the wave riding the wave I should say in the fucking shark jumped out of the water And grabbed him like some shark nato shit like I mean it jumped out of the fucking water So you had to have like your arms hanging off the board and then from underneath you look like a seal Sort of a strange shaped seal or whatever But if you're fucking on the board at that point if they're jumping out of the water, I don't know I don't know like I'm saying I don't fuck with the water, but I had a uh I really had a great time in Perth my favorite beer out here is that little creatures

And uh turns out they had a brewery and I was able to go to the brewery I could have taken the tour, but I don't understand going Taking a tour of a fucking brewery Looking at the uh the distillery process. All I look at is like the entire time I'm taking this tour. I could be drinking your product fresh out of your fucking big silver Whatever the fuck you call those things So uh boosted up there Um went over to bond scots grave like I mentioned and uh, you know, it's funny when you get there like people leave all

It's kind of weird people leave like all these You know bottles of booze there, it's like the guy kind of died from that, you know I mean some of the overdoses on heroin do you leave like fucking used needles there? It's really weird but um I kind of felt bad when I showed up someone there was an empty miller genuine draft bottle next to bond scots grave and the uh The acd not only the acdc fan and me the beer lover and me wanted to take it away from the grave But there was just something about removing something from that place just seeing the little uh

Sacrilegious so I I refrain from doing that. But if you ever get to Perth, they have this own little entrance Little gateway and you come walk. It says bond scott entry or something like that I took I'll have all the pictures up on the podcast. I did uh retweet some of this shit, but you walk in very easy headstone defined And uh, if you look down on the ground, they have like a lightning bolt like the acdc lightning bolt in the pavement And then above it is like a looks like a record and then they had something else. I forget what it was Uh, which is really cool. So it just sort of guides you right to it and um

And then if you go over down onto the the water where they have the little creatures Makes their beer and shit a little bit further up from that They have a statue of bond scott, which I think used to be in the graveyard But they moved it because I guess back in the day. He was a deck hand a red decky As they call it down here in australia. So they uh, they put him down there on the water and um I don't know it was really cool. And uh Where did I go from there? Then I went to melbourne I got there and that was a uh

That's when I saw the australian open did a couple shows that night and um Evidently some comics came out to see me throughout this tour. I'm glad I didn't know they were in the crowd That would have made me fucking nervous um And I've basically been putting together my new hour out here watching this thing come together I get my fucking stand-up shops back together again. It's been a fuck just been a great tour I really want to thank everybody who came out in um

You know throughout my time here in australia. This has been a fucking incredible to come out here and play these big venues And be adding shows and stuff Oh, then I did brisbane and um Had a fucking uh I don't know had one of my best shows I had in brisbane and and I got I got pictures of all this shit Sorry guys. I'm a little fucking jet lagged. I know this shit isn't funny. I'm just kind of going through my fucking tour here I played city hall there was one of the best looking theaters I ever played literally you could shoot a fucking special there

It was phenomenal. Um, oh here's I got a funny fucking story for you All right, listen to this shit. So I'm going through fucking security All right And they have the regular metal detector and then they got the fucking x-ray one that I don't go through I don't go through that fucking thing because I don't give a shit what they tell me That thing is not good for you. I remember when it first fucking came out and people were opting out And I remember people going like oh, it's a big deal. You're already talking your cell phone like all that dumb shit that people say, you know um

Yeah, it's like oh, yeah, so why don't I get extra radiation? You know, why don't I just add to it? Just make sure I get fucking cancer, right? And what did they say they try to say that the thing was totally fucking safe And then what ends up happening after a year and a half of radiating everybody in my country too much They realized that they had the fucking thing turned up too high and to this fucking day When you go through one of those if the if a kid's young enough they they fucking send them around Because it fucking retards the puberty process or something like that, but I'm supposed to go through it go fuck yourself So I always opt out and I don't give a fuck about your opinion on this by the way

I don't need to hear your fucking opinion This is just my opinion if you want to go through the fucking thing more power to you So I'm down here in Australia, and they got the regular one and then they got the fucking the bad one So every third person or whatever it has to go through or whatever so I come up and guess what they want me to go through That other one And I'm like yeah, I'm opting out and they like you can't opt out In Australia so now I'm in this fucking thing where I'm challenging authority in a different country, which is always scary But I just said I'm not I'm not

I'm not going through it And the guys starts going like oh He goes do you mind if I ask you why and I go yeah because I used to work in a dental office And I took fucking x-rays and I put a lead vest over somebody before I fucking took an x-ray and I got cancer in my family So I don't want to go through it and he goes well you can opt out here plus the ones down here He goes this thing is he goes this thing only sees through your pockets this fucking renaissance like he knows how this fucking thing works right Oh, it just sees through your pockets really you fat fuck What do you know about anything other than eating too many fucking donuts you douche right so I say to the guy

I go well we had the one in the states they had it turned up too high he goes this is a different one I go no it isn't I go that's the same company I'm not going through it He goes alright well then you have to stand over there and I'm like fine so the guy fucking makes me stand over there for like 10 minutes Then this other fucking guy comes walking over and he's got this little fucking You know like when you get your baseball team schedule or your hockey team schedule for the fucking year he comes over with one of those That's like four pages most of it is pictures And he goes if you just want to read up on it and I've just started laughing like what that little kids book you have there That explains that complex fucking machine over there

And he goes nobody explains it I go who who explained it the people who made that fucking thing I'm obviously not cursing at him but they just said you can't fucking opt out it's a lot down here Now if I had the fucking time and the wherewithal the presence of mind during that conversation I should have said tell me what law it is tell me what fucking law that says I have to go through that fucking thing Pat me down we don't do that here well you should fucking start Fucking unreal so then I ended up having to go through the goddamn thing The guy was actually nice he apologized for it I just said listen man I know it's not you this is what it always is it's not you You're just the guy here who has to tell me I have to fucking go through it

But the real cunts who are making money off and who fly fucking private who never have to go through that thing Don't have to worry about having their entire fucking head all the way down to their balls and their fucking toes radiated So if there's anybody out there that has a fucking scientific background and can explain to me how something that can see through my fucking clothes Is not a is not a is not some sort of an x-ray I mean Jesus Christ drinking Coca-Cola can give you cancer you're telling me standing in that fucking thing Head to fucking toe put your arms up oh it just shoots beams at you it's just looking at what's in your pockets Oh yeah is that why when I come out the other side there's an entire image of me I don't know so whatever so that was my fucking big goddamn moment

Fucking fat fuck making me stand there for like another thing that they do that passive aggressive thing is they make you stand there for fucking 10 minutes Trying to break your will knowing that you're probably late for your flight I fucking hate myself that I didn't say you know what let me uh let me see the fucking once you show me the goddamn fucking law that I don't know I'm sorry I'm looking at all these people's tweets now saying Hey bro hope tour is going great it's like my friends here Hearing good things about your movie black or white some of my friends saw it so did mom and dad they liked it nice nice very nice Hey by the way can you guys please go go check out black black or white if you got a chance this week You know it's a really big deal for me um if you go and see it I made a lot of friends in that movie and Kevin Costner

Kind of put up his money for the whole fucking movie he financed the thing so uh not saying you have to go see it I would really appreciate it if you did Alright it's getting great reviews by the way Alright now write all your negative shit you're gonna say but I don't give a fuck alright Live reads here we go Shari's berries everybody I'm reading this from down in New Zealand Shari's berries if she tells you she does not want anything for Valentine's Day what she means is is get me something for Valentine's Day Don't you love how this fucking holiday is just so geared toward brats I just don't understand this whole fucking holiday and like how it's just about them What about that when they express their love to us isn't there that there's some somewhere there's that fucking day and they completely blow it off

Because we don't give a fuck the last thing we want them to do is to talk more to us even if they're saying something nice Anyways I actually love this advertising and I totally endorse this this is exactly what you should get throwing a stuffed bear too There you go sweetheart and if she gives you shit all you gotta say is the fuck did you get me you know exactly You just strawberry smell your flowers and shut your face and tonight you're cuddling with the bear because I'm sick of you Get it done early before it's too late pro flowers makes it easy to check off the list even if you already have Valentine's Day plans You still need flowers delivered it's a must when she says she doesn't need flowers she means you better get me flowers Oh isn't that convenient is that what she means people who sell flowers how come it doesn't mean I want to fucking butter basted pork chop Alright go to proflowers.com click on the blue microphone in the top right hand corner and type in burr burr that's proflowers.com click on the microphone and type in burr burr

Order today this deal expires Friday at midnight Alright I'm sure I'll get some shit about those but they don't understand that I know who you guys are and that'll make you actually buy those fucking things You know Valentine's Day what are you gonna get her what's gonna happen it's the stupidest fucking thing ever My wife is cool as shit you know what we do I've told you this for years we don't go out on Valentine's Day and we don't buy each other anything We go out like three days after a couple days before when food costs what it's supposed to cost we sit down we have a nice meal We shoot the shit and that's that's fucking it I don't go to CVS and buy fucking all that fucking confetti whatever the fuck it is you're supposed to do I don't know I'm in such a cunty mood because I missed the Super Bowl can't fucking believe it and we want god damn it we want I'm so fucking psyched we want on not even winning I just so psyched I don't have to hear it from Seattle fans

I'm so psyched I don't have to listen to another fucking goddamn story about how fucking loud they are and that and nobody addressing that the stadium is built to make them louder than they really are Fucking drives me up the wall but whatever you know what this is the first 24 hours I'm sure Jim Ursay will figure out a way to say somehow we were cheating Alright let's get into the questions for this week everybody Wait have I told all my fucking stories I really don't have a lot of stories about here being down here in Australia other than the people are unbelievably friendly it's really relaxed it's a ridiculously underrated place to go And for tennis fans if you want to go to a great city and if you want to go to an unbelievable fucking venue go to the Australian Open and go into the rod Fucking arena I mean I went to the US Open like twice like 10 12 years ago and it's a giant for tennis it's still a huge it's really big venue and you know we were sitting up top and they were you know they were very far away Wait this venue I swear to god it felt like I was watching it with 600 other people like you could hear everything like Serena would throw the ball up and if you know like when you throw it up and then you don't serve you know you just felt weird you just grabbed the ball to serve again You literally hear her go sorry sorry sorry I felt like I was at her house and she was playing in the backyard or something it was amazing and I would say that Melbourne is probably the like if you're I don't know I would say that that's sort of the New York City of Australia

I'm going to get shit right now if I'm starting to try to compare this is this is me knowing very little about their country that seems like more like you know I don't know we're all like a lot of the just where all the shit is you know you know spoiled New Yorkers are they grew up in New York everything is right there so when they go every place they think every place else sucks I've kind of noticed that Melbourne people kind of think every place else sucks but and I think Sydney is more like a touristy place both have their merit or whatever it all depends on what age you are which whatever the fuck you're into and Brisbane was the shit I had a great time up there beautiful beaches but they got the Gold Coast or some shit like that around there I don't know much about it but it was just a phenomenal place to visit and I was actually a little melancholy when I was leaving and also one of the great things is one of one comedian I actually started out with Aldell Benny I got to he married an Australian girl and they relocated to Sydney outside of Sydney about a year ago and he hit me up out of the blue asked if he could come down and hang out for the show and he actually I threw money did about five seven minutes before each show and it was great just hanging out with him talking about the fucking old days trying to figure out how the hell we became the old guys like I saw a thing the other day you know the same like top 20 comics new comics to watch so you know I'm a fan of stand up I want to see who's coming up and I probably knew like two of them and I was looking I'm going like Jesus Christ I've been doing stand up since all of these people that they've shown were probably like anywhere from two years old to eight years old so starting to feel my fucking age here but anyways I'm in New Zealand and I missed the Super Bowl you know if you're going to miss a fucking Super Bowl flying in New Zealand I got to think is a pretty good got to think it's a pretty good excuse

got to admit being down here not hearing any of the Super Bowl hype or any of that type of shit I really fucking enjoyed it did not miss any of that any of this shit oh did you hear so and so said this somebody said this blah blah blah blah any of that fucking crap so fucking psyched I missed that I'm not psyched I missed the goddamn game though anyways Australian food you know it's weird I'll actually do a recap of the Super Bowl when I get back after like February you know when I'm back February whatever the fuck I get back at I'll watch the game I'll do a special podcast midweek how about that and I'll react to the game like it just happened anyways Australian food let's get to the questions here for this week hey Bill I've never been to Australia I've watched my fair share of food network but I've never heard of authentic Australian cuisine the whole shrimp on the Barbie thing has to be exaggerated and I'm pretty sure the only people who drink fosters are morons not living on that prison island what's the meal you've had so far what's the best meal you've had so far can you give me some insight as to what you think as to what they're known for down under down under thanks and go fuck yourself dude I have to be honest with you I am barnstorming across this part of the world I land I do a show and then I go to the airport occasionally like today I landed in New Zealand and I have tonight to go out and grab a quick drink and then tomorrow I have to do the show I've been doing a lot of press when I've been over here I haven't really seen or done shit I drank a lot what are they known for I don't know the food over here is great to see foods obviously tremendous you know what they're really known for over here I think they're known for their beaches beautiful people man women over here fucking over and I should not over here anymore in New Zealand but they're fucking gorgeous but as far as the food was the best thing I've had I gotta tell you something man I've had some french fries at chips down here ordered room service this one fucking hotel is one of the best order of french fries I've ever fucking had that's the only thing that I can think of that's that is stood out other than that everything the food has been great

but I mean I haven't had any fucking kangaroo or any shit like that I don't know I have no idea sorry man can you guys tell how fucking jet lagged I am I really apologize for this fucking podcast so far El Camino looking cars in Perth okay hey Bill on last week's podcast you said you saw two guys in El Camino looking cars driving like assholes in Perth I didn't say assholes I said driving like people who have El Camino's in Australia we have cars that we call utes and they are similar to the American pickup but more like a normal sedan basically they are mostly a unibody like car rather than a body on frame like a pickup do you know somebody tried to tell me that the pickup was invented by a woman here or over in Australia that they used to have what they used to have like these vans sort of looking the hell they used to call those things god my brain is mushed this week what were those fucking things called

begins with a P those vans from like the 1950s but they had bad pickups in the 1930s I don't know whatever they had more like a van type thing and this woman got sick of fucking backing her up and having to like open the doors and throw hay in the back and she just cut the top off of it somebody I guess from the states was over here and saw it doesn't sound right doesn't sound right to me it doesn't make any fucking sense but somebody tried to claim that they came up with them over there anyways our division of General Motors is called Holden and they make the Commodore which is the current Camaro which the current Camaro is based on and you can get in the US as a Chevy SS wait a minute our Camaro is based on yours or your shit's based on our shit okay don't get it twisted buddy we came up with the fucking car we invented the goddamn car

alright didn't we I have no idea who invented the fucking car we flew first didn't we other than those french guys who said they flew first how the fuck would we know what you were doing back then we'd have to take a fucking ship well actually the Camaro was the 60s I don't know actually took a picture of a couple of some muscle cars over here man it's cool because they almost look like ours but they're not but they still look badass and actually found a sleeper this fucking mustard colored wagon man the thing was badass I'll also try and post that photo let me finish reading this thing also Ford Australia builds the Falcon parenthesis the interceptor from Mad Max was an XB Falcon which can also be bought as a U

we have both these cars in Australia for well over 30 years but unfortunately they will no longer be built here anymore after 2017 also douchebags love clapped out Commodore's to hoon about in case they are cheap and pretty quick there's some Aussie slang for you I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about bragging about Commodore's I know you're a Ford guy so you should really check out some of the Aussie built Falcons throughout the years yeah I actually did that I looked up and checked them out I was surprised how much longer you guys built the Falcon I actually saw a late model Falcon that looked like a fucking Ford tourist station wagon when I was outside that little creatures beer place he goes on to say and also if you have some spare time you should check out the V8 Supercars it's like Australian NASCAR but they race on a road course

you know what's funny I actually mentioned the Corvette one night when I was on stage out here I love the Corvette and I was thinking about getting one and people had no idea what a Corvette was at least the new one you know they know what I guess some of the old ones are and I started just sort of looking for Corvettes when I was in Australia not a one not a one so you know what if I live down under you know what I would get I get that new Corvette 06 have it fucking shipped over here you'd be the only one on your block right and I go fucking drive around and scare some fucking kangaroos alright Australian woman Bill I have a couple friends who studied abroad in Australia they all say that women down there are unreal what are your thoughts to make it fair because you're with the loving near you or she can comment about the men as well fucking hilarious no good looking people tall blonde it's weird their eyes though their eyes they have Aussie eyes

it's weird it's somewhere between white guy eyes and Asian eyes you know like John Denver that's what I would say oh shit that's what they got they got John Denver eyes with blonde hair tan people really good looking fucking you know tall blonde and tan there you go I mean I don't know what Hitler's feelings were about Australia but I think he would have loved it you know if he just he's such a fucking moron that Hitler you know why didn't he just fucking take his easel travel abroad he would have been interesting he would have had a fucking he would have had an accent he could have come down here got himself some tall drink of fucking water painted the beautiful beaches could have lived out a nice quiet fucking life right but no he had to go for the glory he wanted to get into showbiz didn't he response to army guy from last week considering marrying girlfriend to get her out of the UK alright this is okay this is this guy last week who was talking about you know he was he was joined the fucking some branch of the US Armed Services and he was stationed over in England

and the only way he could get his beautiful perfect girlfriend over to meet him is to live over there was if he fucking married her so this is what this guy this is the guy's response here hey burnout on the 126 podcast there was a guy you call me oh burn at BURR and I think he was talking about the guy who's going to get married alright hey burn out on the January 26 podcast there was a guy who was worried about getting married in order to get his girlfriend to come to Europe with him my advice get legally married but don't have the ceremony if you just need some documentation to show you are married this is a great way to avoid the added stress if you explain that you love her and you want her to be with you but you're not ready for marriage she will likely understand explain that you still have a regular wedding later if you decide to make the emotional commitment also the issue of getting a prenup can be brought up to make you feel more secure without her thinking it's a trust issue wait what are you saying get legally married but don't have the ceremony so you're already married then if you're legally married doesn't need to get the fucking prenup

I'll continue reading here I was in the reverse situation when I wanted to get married to my girlfriend she had student loans that would get much more expensive if she was married so we had the ceremony without the legal contract we were connected without the added cost later when she needed health insurance we went to the JP and got her on the insurance just separate the legal marriage from the emotional one until you're ready for the commitments they entail thanks and go fuck yourself yeah but then if you're not emotionally ready to get married and then you get married to somebody legally and then you decide later that you don't want to be married to them then you're then you're fucked and there's no way to bring up a fucking prenup without the other person going like so just exactly what are you thinking of tapping out believe me alright princess or just a lady

alright what do we got here Bill I'm a sweet guy so hang out with this girl what Bill I'm a sweet guy so when I hang out with this girl I often try to be nice towards her either with compliments or little acts for example sometimes when we're just watching a movie I'll look at her until she sees me staring and then say she looks beautiful yeah I'm sure that's not creepy at all you may be gagging right now but hey go fuck yourself I care about her the problem is not that she loves when I do that the problem is my gift giving a few times now I've walked off campus a short way to pick up her favorite dish from her favorite restaurant the first time was because she was busy with homework and missed dinner so I wanted to surprise her

and the other was when we were going to hang out around lunchtime in her dorm I got us both something I got us both something then I've also gone to the store when she told me one night how she wished how she wished she had this one type of cereal oh Jesus gee I wish I had this one type of cereal and then you go fucking running down the street like fucking Mr. McFeely speedy McFeely how she needed some type of cereal and how she needed to go to the store for milk and coffee creamer well I've only spent like $30 total on her over the past month my friends wore me it's either going to get excessive or lose its special touch I wonder if that's true and what should I do Bill thanks and have a great day just kidding go fuck yourself

P.S. she's not a manipulative bitch she's gotten actually upset that I went all out of my way to get her these things and she told me how she feels very grateful but kind of bad about it alright well first of all I didn't say I would never say that she was a bitch I don't know her but all women are unbelievably manipulative they have to be because they can't physically beat the fuck out of us unless they're like you know taking that UFC shit then that's just game set and match because they could already beat you mentally women can always beat a guy mentally because they fucking work on that that's all they work on you know what I mean they're like a boxer you know standing up just throwing punches and what he is a guy you got to learn how to fight you got to do all this other fucking shit you just become a jack of all trades master and none

okay so they fucking do that mental shit their entire goddamn life and then they go down to a dojo like can you imagine trying to fucking debate a point with with Rhonda Rousey how many on how many levels it would be fucking over as a guy she could beat you mentally because she's a woman so she's going to be fucking she's just going to weigh you down it's going to be over or if she decides or you decide to say something stupid to her she could then beat the fuck out of you so I mean I don't know I don't know what you say there that's like the ultimate fucking debate I would say as a guy trying to beat a woman in an argument that also holds a UFC belt oh my god Jesus Christ how many times would you have to get your fucking ass kicked mentally and physically

before you even found a weakness and then it would just be fucking brutal anyways going back to this first of all dude I don't know what the fuck you're doing here you should never hang out with a girl that you like all right you got to get it on some social media you should never hang out with a girl that you like all right you got to get it on some sort of let's I want to take you out you're going to ask this fucking woman out you're just going to stare at her and just say she looks beautiful and then run down the street and get her some food that's not going to get you where you want to be okay you've been hanging for a month you're acting like her personal butler and she hasn't said anything like she wants to fucking get with you I mean I don't know I feel like the window of opportunity is closing

because pretty soon it's going to be weird if you fucking ask her out I don't want to crush your dreams here I don't know what your question is it says princess or just a lady what did you say well do I think it's going to be excessive yeah I think you're going to be she's either going to use you which you said she's not like that or I think you're just going to become annoying or she's just going to treat you as a friend and women don't have a problem looking at you just as like a friend

so then when someday you go to ask her out or try to kiss her or something you're really going to weird her out and the whole thing is going to get fucked up so I don't know you know at some point when she goes you know I wish I had some cereal it's like well you know there's a 24 hour store down the street why don't you give me some cocoa puffs while you're at it and you know something as rude as that sounds for some reason I don't know they respect it on some level that you like I don't know most women they just don't want some guy that's just like oh my god you're beautiful

can I buy you stuff as much as they think they want that they just look at you like you're pathetic probably because they know on some level that they're fucked in the head and the fact that you can't see it you don't see any flaws they just they look at you like this guy's got these just his judgment stinks this is the guy that I'm going to attach my fucking wagon to somebody with no goddamn judgment who can't read people and like somehow he's going to bring home the bacon fry it up in the fucking pan I don't think he's going to do it

so what I would say dude is yeah I'd stop being her food bitch alright she wants cereal she should go get her to fuck itself and I almost think you need to back it off and then you got to lay it on the line that's what you got to do back off stop buying your shit stop fucking hanging out with them when you run into it just say listen what's the deal with us okay because I don't want to just be friends I like you I would like to take you out and I would like to date you that's what that's the direction I want to go on alright I don't want to fucking hang out with you and go buy your s'mores

even though that's what the fuck I was doing that's the old me this is the new me you see me right now look at me grab my dick right now okay because it's mine would you care for some you know just something like that sorry alright dollar shave club everybody can someone please tell me when razors got so goddamn expensive huh what is the deal people have I been asleep for 20 years I was in the store the other day one pack of razors cost 20 bucks one pack that is insane but hey sometimes when you buy those razors you also get a free you also get a free gift which is actually a punch in the dick alright don't get beat up with ridiculous razor prices

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I gotta try some of those just fuck you know that's disgusting that you guys just had to envision me trying some of those like taking a test like I'll take a shit with a lab coat on and then just go one one wipe right god damn it they did it why pay $20 for a razor when you can get a fantastic shave from dollarshaveclub.com for a fraction of the price stop getting smacked around by high razor prices dollarshaveclub.com razors are great and they are a fraction of the price trust me you wish that you had done it sooner don't be a dumbass shave smarter go to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr dollarshaveclub.com slash burr alright lastly but certainly not leasley oh I got two more here the National Academy of Sports Medicine they're here New Year's resolutions everyone's got one get in shape be healthier get a new job

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you know, beyond being a fan, I'm really happy for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick Gromp to get his first one, the defense and all those guys to get their fucking rings, it's just awesome and you know, who can move, Tom lost this fucking one, then he'd be three and three and all the fucking jerk-offs would be saying a bunch of shit about him and to be honest, this is six Super Bowls in a row, this guy drove from behind for the winning fucking touchdown it ain't his fault, well actually no, I can't say that the last one, that throw to Welker, I don't know I don't know who to blame on that one, but five out of six, this guy's always doing the fucking deed so it's so psyched that the defense finally stepped up and I don't even know the name of the guy that picked off the ball, I never even fucking heard of him

I read his name, I had no idea, so anyways, my apology to the sports fans that listened to this fucking podcast because I did not see the goddamn game I can't fucking believe it, but anyways, I'm looking forward to my time down here in New Zealand I'm working in Auckland tomorrow night and I'm working in Wellington and then I go to fucking Southeast Asia, man, can you fucking believe that? I'm gonna be going to Asia and I already had an amazing interview as far as like just talking to this guy from Hong Kong and I'm really looking forward to meeting comics in Singapore, Hong Kong and India just to hear their, you know, because the scenes are so new over there and that type of stuff it's fucking ridiculous, you know, I did a podcast this week out of India, these guys, two guys called me up, right?

fucking hilarious guy, I think India's gonna be fucking hilarious because Indian people seem like my favorite kind of comic where nothing I like better than somebody who's really smart, but they're fucking silly and these guys in this podcast were like that as they tried to trick me to get in talking about the fucking government when they didn't have to fucking balls to or whatever, they weren't gonna do it, they tried to get me in trouble over there, man it was fucking hilarious, when I called them out on it, they fucking laughed their asses off, it was like it was like talking to fucking rich bosses some shit from over there, man, that same kind of ball busting so I'm just really looking forward to that, I think it's gonna be life changing and then once again when I, after I'm done with this this whirlwind tour here, I fly from India over to Dubai, connect in Dubai and then I go to New York

so I will literally have flown around the world which is an unbelievable privilege to be able to do that so I really want to take the time to thank everybody who sent me emails telling me to come over to these places because it's definitely a life changing experience and I ran into a bunch of Indian comics at the Laugh Factory maybe like four years ago or something, three years ago I can't even tell at this point and they actually knew my stuff and said that there was people over there that would come see the show and that's all I need to say and I'll fucking figure out a way to get over there and I actually, when I did that podcast, like they were talking about, you know, they asked me about the Philly thing when I got booed I was like, you fucking guys saw that over there, they're like, yeah, you know, we do comedy, you know, we fucking watch the shit

so it's pretty humbling that, so I'm looking forward to it, gonna get some dumplings in Hong Kong, I'm gonna get some fucking, you know what's funny I'm gonna ask the people in India where should I go eat and I was just thinking, they're probably sick of Indian food, you know, they're probably gonna take me to a sushi joint or something like that because, you know, I want to go over there and get some fucking the best Indian food I ever had so hopefully that's where they're gonna take me, but I'm really looking forward to it, you know, a lot more shows to do a lot more whiskey to drink and, oh dude, do you know they don't fucking have any cigar bars in Australia? that's what this fucking guy told me and when you go to buy the Cuban cigars, I made a video, I got to show you this, like how fucking hardcore they are

I bought a Cuban cigar and I had to sit outside like a fucking animal smoking this thing outside like I smoked a cigar the way Paul Verzi smokes a cigar, standing out in the street next to a trash can anyways, I don't know what to tell you, thanks for listening to the podcast, that's it, congratulations to the patriots and seriously, I'm not joking, condolences to the Seattle Seahawks fans, I know what the fuck that feels like to have a crushing god damn defeat, but you'll be back next year, you know, you got a fucking great team and a fucking organization and I don't give a fuck that your stadium makes you louder and that some of your players did roids I don't give a fuck about that shit, because everybody's fucking doing that shit, alright? you're still miles away

you're still miles away I said you're still miles away hold me now, don't start shaking you keep me safe, don't ever think you're the only one when times are tough and you're new age hold me now, don't start shaking you keep me safe, don't ever think you're the only one when times are tough and you're new age

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you keep me safe don't ever think you're the only one hold me now, don't start shaking you keep me safe don't ever think you're the only one hold me now, don't start shaking you keep me safe don't ever think you're the only one hold me now, don't start shaking hold me now, don't start shaking you keep me safe don't ever think you're the only one

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