Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-20

Episode Date: February 21, 2020

Bill rambles about the debates, confusing what day it is, and fine art with the Lovely Nia.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And just checking in on you. Just seeing how your week's going. How you doing? Oh, Jesus, that's great. I just got home another long fucking day working my fucking balls off. Working, working, working. So I'm knocking this out Wednesday evening. I'm on my way up to fucking Vancouver, Vancouver, British Columbia, you know, my Bruins are on a West Coast trip right now. I got I caught the the third period of a great game against Edmonton. Man Edmonton. Oh, let me tell you Edmonton. Who are they got a tough team? Let me tell you that tough team. They played great despite the fact that Cassian is suspended and Connor

McDavid is hurt. So we were able to took us all the way into overtime to get two points. They got one point. They're just a fucking great. I really like that team. I like that team a lot. And, you know, can you really say you beat the Edmonton Oilers if both those players are out? I don't think you can. You know what one of the best goalscores in the league and I don't think anybody kicks somebody with the skate on better than Cassian. So I mean, I think we got off easy. Never seen a guy kick another guy with a skate on. It's been a while. I've seen it accidentally happen. I remember a long time ago there was a Bruin. I just flaked on his fucking name. The fuck was his name? I want to say he ended up finishing his career with San Jose. It was his freak play. He was in the front of the net and somebody

cross-checked. I want to see the Randy Burge of Steve Casper in the chest and hit him so hard that his feet came up and he basically kicked this guy. I can't believe I can't remember his name. Fuck. It was like 30 years ago. Kicked him right in the fucking mouth and the guy ended up getting a gash that went like right through his, like his mouth was closed. So the scar was above his mouth, through the lips and then below his fucking, it was like a Freddy Krueger slash, but it was with skates. The fuck was that guy's name? Dave Reed, I think, was the guy. Long time ago, long time ago with the old Boston Garden. It's still bugging me that I had Don Gavin on and I found out at the end of the podcast that he was at the Celtics games, you know, from the very beginning, the late fifties, when there was nobody

there and it was Bill Russell and Bob Coosie and all that. So I'm definitely next time I go to Boston, I'm going to try to reach out to Don Gavin and get him back on and just talk fucking hoop and what it was like. He was like in the Boston Garden. I guess it was still already an old building, but I think he was there when it was like, when I went, it was they had painted the inside like that Bruins yellow kind of thing. And then back in the day, if you see the Bobby or Mother's Day gold that they had, it was white, the inside of it was white. So I don't know, just all dumb shit like that. I want to ask him all about that. Did he sneak in? Because that was a big thing that people knew how to sneak into that venue and all of that shit. Anyway, big win for the Bruins. They've won 10 of the last 11. They're just, they're playing

great. And tonight, you know, like I said, you know, that was a hurt slash suspended Edmonton team, but you know, they pushed us around a little bit and we were pushing back, which is good. We got to do more of that. We got to do more of that because it seems like they let that go during the, during the playoffs. And anyway, I'm going to do some shows coming up and speaking of shows, one of my favorite comics of all time and people, we did a special with them, all things comedy did Ian Edwards. He's got some stand updates. You really got to catch this guy, man. He's one of the best out there and he's, he's going the road here. He got coming up. He's got Springfield, Missouri, February 21st and 22nd, Tampa, Florida, March 12th and the 15th in Calgary, Alberta, March 25th and 28th. And this is why you haven't heard of Ian Edwards because the, not

only, because he is a brilliant comedian, but the man stinks at the business. He sends me this fucking thing. It says upcoming dates, Tampa, Florida. There's like three fucking comedy clubs, Ian, where the fuck, God, Jesus Christ, let me look it up. Do you know, I swear to God, do you know how many fucking great comics I know who just stink at the business? Ian Edwards, live. Let's see what we get here. There he is. Ian Edwards, comedian. All right, let's see what happens when we click on, let's see, this is the classic, classic, terrible head fucking this business and such a fucking brilliant comedian. All right, fucking even on his website, Springfield, Missouri, Tampa. Let's see, where is he in Tampa? Oh, there it is. Side splitters. He's still in the blue room in Springfield, Missouri, February 21st. He's at side splitters. Bobby Jules joined, if I remember correctly, in Tampa, Florida,

March 12th through the 15th. He's at the Laugh Shop in Calgary, Alberta, the March 25th through the 28th. And then he's got the Comics Lounge in Melbourne, Australia on April 16th. And on Monday, April 20th, he's in Sydney, Australia at the Sydney Comedy Festival. Just a fucking amazing comedian who needs to learn how to promote himself. Goddamn it. Anyways, I love that guy. So that's it. Oh, there was a big, big fucking presidential Democratic debate tonight. I didn't watch it. I watched Hockey instead. I did watch a couple of Eclipse. And I quickly saw why I didn't want to watch it, because it's just people yelling at each other. I don't know what, you know, politics has always been filthy, but at least they used to listen to each other and talk a little bit. They just fucking sitting there yelling at each other. And then Bloomberg said that dumb thing that everybody says, you know, communism didn't work. It failed. It's just like it's not the type of government. All governments fail because people

run them and people are pieces of shit. That's what the problem is. It's not socialism. It's not capitalism. It's not communism. All those forms of government would work if everybody was honest and played by the rules, but nobody does. That's what happens. That's why with every fucking country, every fucking form of government, any type of prosperity or anything like that, there's a beginning, a middle and an end, because eventually it fucking goes away. It starts off with a great idea. You know, hey, every man for himself, or hey, let's all work together, whatever the fuck it is, it does well for a minute. And then what happens is the people get in power and then they keep getting more and more power and it gets more and more corrupt, more and more corrupt, and it either fails or people rebel against it. But it is not, it is not the form, because people were sitting there going, sitting there going, communism failed. It's like capitalism failed. Capitalism failed. If you fucking look at it honestly, if you fucking sit there and look

at this country and you're going to honestly say that it's fucking working, I mean, we're all sitting there not looking at the fucking $20 trillion, zillion fucking dollars in debt that we are, elephant in the room. We're not looking at the fucking fact that there's, you know, a private corporation prints our money and there's nothing behind it. We're all just fucking driving 90 zillion miles an hour in the left lane trying to get to our fucking brass ring before we turn into a fucking pumpkin. That's what the fuck is going on, I think. And I don't know shit, but I can see that coming from a fucking mile away. Yeah, it's, it's, I don't know, I don't know. And we just keep fucking doubling down and tripling down on it. So as far as I, Mike, my, Mike's, I don't know, what's he trying to say here, Bill, the amount of time that I've been alive. Okay, what has happened to like when I was a kid, like, I mean, I remember like the fucking milkman could have a stay at home mom, I mean, wife, right, to watch the fucking kids, he made enough fucking money and all of that, I don't know what it just all

fucking went away. People had good jobs. And there was like a middle class and you could just, you know, you weren't broke, you weren't filthy rich, but you could fucking have a house and all of that shit. And are you going to come in? Come on in. Because we have to talk about you becoming an art dealer here. And all of that is kind of fucking gone away. And I know that there's I guess now the way to go from being in the middle class to getting to the upper classes, you got to become like a YouTube star or something. I don't know. Anyways, I'm in way over my head. I'm talking about different forms of government and acting like I know what I'm talking about. And what's great is this is a one person debate. So there's nobody to shout me down here. Oh, God, is that the energy we're going to bring here? All right, we got one microphone speaking of communism, socialism, we're going to sit here and share it as opposed to capitalism, where you'd have fucking they have as many microphones you could possibly yep and they'd all look like lollipops and the fat fucks would try to eat them. So, Nia, you're into art. I'm not into art. You got to speak into the mic. Come over here. Yes, that's right. That's correct.

So what does that mean? Like what what exactly? So you invest in art. So when you invest in art, yes, you take your money, and you say, Hey, you see that art over there? I want to give you this for that. And then you take that thing. All right. And then you stick it on your wall. Okay, and then you wait for the person who painted it to die. As far as I can tell. And then you go, Hey, you know, that guy just died. He's never going to scribble, dibble on that piece of paper anymore. And I have one that he fucking drew all over. You want to buy it because the guy's dead. He's never going to draw again. That means this thing's worth something. I got it. No, I don't I don't think that that's what you do all the time. But you invest in it. Yes. How do you invest? How do you know what is the good scribbles? Well, I mean, ideally you'd have someone who is familiar with that world that can help guide you and sort of curate your taste and find you stuff that Senator Hill, how do you plan to build your art collect name? Who would you say the top five artists are right now? Oh, that I don't know. I'm not that I'm not that smart about art. So how exactly are you going to invest in this? You seem to know less about art than I do about forms of government.

But you know, I have someone that that can help me do all that. Would that be a broker, Nia? No. And how do they make their money, Nia, by telling you that that scribble, dibble is worth a bunch of fucking money? Yeah, they take a commission off of like. So yeah, so you don't know anything about art, you can't even name the top people who are fucking who can take a bucket of paint throw it at a fucking bedsheet million artists out there. I don't who there's a million fucking teams out there. I mean, there's a million fucking hockey players in any cell. I can fucking tell you the top players. Well, I'm still learning. So I couldn't tell you that right now. But I can tell you what I like and what I don't like. So at what point do you say is this worth buying? Do you think this artist has, you know, I don't know, it's worth investing in one of their other. Oh, yes, I absolutely do. You're like the third person who's walked into the gallery today. And over here trying to clown shit, you need to understand there's a there's a three. Oh snap. There's a three prong situation. One, you get a piece of art to elevate your home. One. Secondly, two.

Secondly, it's your personal enjoyment of the piece, a piece that speaks to you, something that looks beautiful, something that resonates with you personally. Are you doing Bill Hader doing Keith Moore? And thirdly, you know, we're setting up our child to have something so if, you know, God forbid, you know, something happens, that's a piece of art. So when the zombie shows up, she throws the art at them. Or she has sold it beforehand and so she can get out of dodge. Yes, that's that's it. All right, you know what, Nia? I'm not going to question anymore. That sounds like a solid plan, he said, sarcastically. Oh, are you being sarcastic? Because I mean, shit's already in the works. So you can be sarcastic all day, but it's happening. That's that's not how this relationship works.

Did you talk about this morning? Huh? Did you talk about this morning? No. Because for all that, I'm getting a piece of fucking up. You are going to get a piece of art. I'm going to let you buy this stupid scribbled devil. Yeah, I think so. Are you going to tell him or no? All right. I have been working a lot.

You have been. You definitely have been. So old freckles got confused. Oh, he was confused. Oh, he was so confused. On what day today was? What day did you think it was? I thought it was, I thought today, which is Wednesday when we're recording this, I thought it was Tuesday. You're right.

So I was like, well, this is great. I'm going to work my ass off. I'm going to work my ass off today. What a day. Tuesday. Oh, the old second day of the week. If you start on Monday, what is the first day of the week? Sunday. It is Sunday. I thought Sunday is a day of rest. It is, but it's, I think it's supposed to be considered the start of the week. I don't think so because God worked for six days and on the seventh day he rested.

Yeah, I mean, if you're going with that whole thing, but I also heard that Sunday. That whole thing, you know, that whole religion God thing. It's supposed to be Sundays. I consider it Monday, but apparently it's actually Sunday. My, my, my boy Joel Austen is coming out here to Ontario, Canada, Ontario, Canada, Ontario, California. I'm tired, Nick. Come on. I want to fucking take an edible and go to that thing with Burt Kreischer. And I just want to sit there and listen to this guy say nothing but positive shit for an hour. I'm not heckling. I'm not heckling.

I have to tell you, no, you won't be heckling, but you'll be sitting there giggling like little school girls and you're going to get asked to leave. Sir, can you please leave? You're disturbing the others. Everyone will be all sick. Talk about when he walked on water, man. Exactly. Now I won't. Exactly. I will. I actually, I'm on the road when he's out here so I can't go. But anyway, the man

fascinates me. Okay. Any performer that can make enough money to buy their own fucking arena in their hometown and sell it out every weekend. I don't give a shit what he's doing. You gotta respect that. All right. But you know, I told you about how he turned away those people when the hurricane happened. He wouldn't let them into the church. He didn't want those fatties rolling around his fucking electric blue carpet he spent all that money on. Gotta stop it with the fat shit. That's not nice.

I don't need to stop. What do you mean that's not nice? What about my tax dollars? All these people eating bacon double cheeseburgers being called heroes and then it's all the money flies out of my wallet. I watched the debates. I know what's going on. What are you talking about? Every time a fatty eats a fucking Sunday, you and I have to work Monday to pay for his triple bypass. You're such an asshole. I am an asshole. And you know what? But I'm not out there eating all the ice cream up.

Excuse me. Have you seen yourself when we buy ice cream in this house? You hose that shit down. Hose it down? House it? What is it the way people say? You housed it. What is it you people say? I don't know. Talk about eating really fast or something like you house it? I don't know. That's something I've heard white guys say. Alright.

I don't know. I'm not familiar with that one. Whenever there is ice cream in this house, you eat the whole fucking thing in one sitting. Yeah, but it's like a pint. It doesn't matter. You eat it all. You show no stuff at all. Yeah, those people eat gallons. Look at me. I'm in shape. I'm in my 50s and I still have a flat fucking stomach. Don't act like you're not a glutton yourself just because you're skinny doesn't mean that you're not a fucking gluttonous.

Hey, I'm a fucking boo sound and I laid off it. Okay, they should start fucking pulling these fatties over and give them a fucking ice cream breathalyzer and see how many cookies and cream they had. Trying to be on your soapbox as if you're some kind of like model of like health and moderation because you're not. So stop it. Get back to the story about this morning. Wait a minute. How come they don't have roadblocks? When you fucking get Girl Scout cookies, the way you just go at those thin mints? You're an animal?

No, I don't. I hate the thin mints. You do not. I've seen you eat practically an entire sleeve of them. Yeah, I know because I keep waiting for it to get good and it doesn't. Girl Scout thin mints suck. You want those fucking coconut ones? It's fired. You want the coconut ones? No, you don't. You want the tag alongs, the peanut butter ones with the chocolate on top. Peanut butter belongs on toast, not in fucking cookies.

I'm sorry. What? You're crazy. Peanut butter belongs on toast? The only people who know how to make peanut butter tastes good with chocolate are the wonderful people over at Reese's. The wonderful people. M&M's doesn't know how to do it. You're the equivalent of peanut butter on toast. You're the most like fucking basic thing ever. You think you're so special. Like if peanut butter on toast, like big fucking deal. Oh, I didn't say it was a gourmet. I just said that's where it belongs.

All right. All right. Anyway, can you talk about this morning? I want to talk about fat people starting to like have the same terror that booze hounds have when they leave a bar and get behind the wheel of a car. How many fat people have heart attacks while driving trucks for Amazon every month? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't either, but I'm saying it in a serious tone that will make people sit up and take notice.

Yeah, no. You are nobody to talk about anybody's self-control, so I don't want to hear it from you. What are you talking about? Every time I lay off the booze, you go, Jesus Christ, have a drink. That's because you're annoying and you're like, wow, I'm so excited. I'm like, can you please just do something to relax? You're not bothering me. All right. So you at least agree that I've been working my ass off this month, right? Working my ass off.

Okay. So I thought this morning was Tuesday morning. So I'm like, well, cool, man, like I'm going to work my ass off today, get home, hang out with my kid, my lovely wife, right? And then tomorrow I'm just going to fucking chill, man. And then the car is going to pick me up and I'm going to get on a plane at like five in the afternoon. And then I woke up this morning at five 30 in the morning. I was like, Hey, wait a minute, man.

It's Wednesday and I have to go to Vancouver where the fuck's my passport. I need the pack. I got to go down to this fucking thing and all blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and all this shit. So I didn't know what to do. So I, because my show starts is Thursday night. So immediately going, all right, I'll change my flight. I don't want to fucking do that.

I don't know, blah, blah, blah. So I started packing and then we tried to find my passport, which of course we could not. And then you woke me up in the process. So I wake up. I'm sleeping soundly. Oh, so soundly. It's five 30 in the fucking morning.

And this one goes, Nia, Nia. And I'm like, what is it? I said, Nia, I'm sorry. Do you know where my passport is? Did you? I don't remember that part. I just remember you going, I screwed up. I screwed up.

I did. What are you talking about? You're like, I'm flying to Vancouver tonight. And I was like, okay. Bye. Every possible fucking thing that then could have happened happened. Couldn't find the fucking passport. And then, all right, let me try to help you.

Let me try to figure it out. We looked here. We looked there. We looked everywhere. You had to leave. I kept looking. You found it. I was at work.

You mentioned it. You mentioned, you mentioned it. My kids said messenger, messenger it over. And then I get it. And then I get it. And then I get it. I got it. And then they found out that the fucking passport is going to expire in the next couple

of months. And unless, you know, unless it's, you can't fucking get on a plane unless it's fucking six months out. And it's like, well, then it fucking, it's already expired. You cunts. So I didn't know that. But it was funny. Everybody, everybody where I was working today, they all fucking knew that.

Oh yeah, you can't do that. It goes since when they go since forever. I go, all right. So I guess that's on me back and forth, back and forth. Long fucking story short. I'm flying up there tomorrow. I'm landing and I'm running from the fucking airport. It's all going to be fine.

It all worked out. It all worked out because you were there for me. I always did. You did. And then you, and then you messenger, messenger, messenger. I can't say that word. And everything was cool. And club soda, Kenny, you and club soda, Kenny fucking.

It was a team effort. It was, it was team bill Burr making sure that you got what you needed when you needed it so that this train can keep on. Or did you just do what any wife back in the day would have done before you guys all became victims slash heroes? I mean, you basically, you were Wilma Flintstone for one fucking day. Well, mom, coming through the door, where's my Bronto burger? You finally had it fucking prepared.

And now to pay you back, I got to go buy a fucking something that doesn't even look like a poodle, but is a poodle. First the fuck of all, it has nothing to do. Can you please say that again? First the fuck of all, it has nothing to do with any of that. I was being a good partner to you. Period point blank. And has nothing to do with anything that you're talking about.

It's, isn't it period or point blank? Or is it period point blank? Point blank period. You know, Versey said, yeah, I love Versey. He always fucks up the expressions. He goes, you know, I'm trying to have a bunch of projects in the fire. No, Versey, irons in the fire. If your projects are in the fire, your projects are on fire, which means they are

a steaming pile of shit. He just laughed because you know what the fuck I'm trying to say. I don't know. I fuck up. He fucks up expressions. And then I fuck up famous people. Like we were at a ranger's game. Movies.

He will never let me live this down. I said, we were at a ranger's game. Oh, Versey, Versey, go George Stephanopoulos. George Stephanopoulos. It's George Stephanopoulos. He looked up and it was Jeff Gordon, the stock car driver, but they look alike. But you do that on purpose too. You're always doing like random people.

You'll be like, oh my God, Ed Bigley Jr. Ed Bigley Jr. Yeah, but I do that as a joke. I know. I know that that's not him on the bicycle. But it's such a random person for you to be like freaking out about. That's why it's so funny. Oh my God, it's Ed Bigley Jr.

No, but George Stephanopoulos. I thought that was George Stephanopoulos. We were at Madison Square Garden. I knew it was a famous guy. Okay. That's what I should have yelled. I know you did something. I've seen you on something.

The things you choose not to pay attention to and versus the things you choose to remember is so funny to me. Because it's like, who, who were we talking to? And he said to me after you had left this guy, he was like, wow, your husband knows a lot about sports. And I was like, yeah, yeah, he's a big sportsman. He goes, no, but he's like dates and, you know, different events at different times. And I was like, oh yeah, ask him where the fucking batteries are in our house. You threw me out of the bus. I know where the batteries are in the house.

I'm the fucking guy who changes everything. What are you talking about? I take the fucking garbage out. I crush it. I crush it. No, that's not. No, if you fucking tell me that, hey, next Thursday we're doing something. I'm not going to remember that.

And then when the thing happens, you want to get mad at me even though I've told you, hey, like, oh, Christ, I don't remember. My problem, I told you. So it's like, but still I somehow have to bear the brunt of your like, you know, forgetfulness. And I'm like, remember that thing that's happening? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, will you have a drink? See, it all comes. It all comes from full circle. Oh, terrible.

Yeah. That's her daughter's new thing. Oh, sweet. You got to finish your breakfast. She goes, oh, terrible. All right. I need to, I need to read. I need to read some advertising here.

All right. So verdict, Nia, am I a good person? Yes, you are a good person. Okay. All right. So, okay, so you did something nice for me. So now you have to buy this fucking piece of art that somehow we're going to make money off of in case, you know, I say the wrong thing on Twitter. Oh my God, I can't believe you said that.

Thank God we have this bucket of paint that was thrown at this fucking bed sheet and is now hanging on our wall. We can take a second loan off of this and we can eat fucking Alpo this week. Exactly. And the chance that you get canceled, I've got a backup plan. Yeah, but if I get canceled, you're going to have to leave me because you'll be attached to me. And it'd be like, just to let you know, this artwork is fucking, I don't know. The fact that they let eight hairy leg white chicks go around just canceling everybody out there is just, you know, I think that's beyond the privilege that even I have. Oh yeah, no, I'll be running from that burning house.

That dumpster fire. All right. Legal zoom, everybody. Legal zoom. You know, it's still early in the year, but if you run a small business, you know, 2020. You know, 2020 will fly by. That's why you should use legal zoom right now to make sure you're set up for success over the past 19 years. Legal zoom has helped more than 2 million Americans start their businesses by incorporating former corporate forming an LLC and more.

But even after your business is set up, legal zoom can still help you out with a lot more. Things like lease agreements, change changing tax laws and reviewing contracts all play a part in running your own business. These are precisely the kinds of costly hurdles that can take time away from growing your business. Don't let that happen. Legal zooms network of independent attorneys and tax professionals can provide advice to address these things in Mua. And you'll never get charged by the hour since legal zoom isn't a law firm. Go to legal zoom.com today and enter the promo code burr in the box and check out. Oh, at checkout for special savings.

That's legal zoom.com code burr burr legal zoom where life meets legal. All right. Oh my God, look who it is. These are my favorite fucking people in the world. Put your bucks. Ah, steak night. That's the first line. I crushed it. Is any culinary occasion more delicious?

Parentheses, spoiler alert. The answer is no. Talk about your method for cooking a steak. Well, you know what? I actually give it to my wife. I cook a hell of a steak. She does. I cook a hell of a steak too, but she doesn't cook that often.

So I know when the steak comes out, I'm like, all right. Have at it. I don't appreciate that shade thrown in. That wasn't necessary. Yeah. Nia, you're like, you're like, what's that thing? You know, I don't fucking do this often, but when I do, what is that ad campaign? I don't.

I don't always drink dosekis, but when I do, I have dosekis. Is that how it goes? I don't know. What is that? Come on. I don't always drink beer, but when I do is dosekis. That's right. That's right.

You're the most interesting woman in the world. I don't always cook, but when I do, I cook the shit out of this steak. She stole it from me. You get the skillet going. You sear it on both sides. You finish it in the oven. Then you have a nice fucking garlic butter bath.

I didn't steal it from you. That's how I do my pork chops. I never watched you do pork chops. Yes, you did. You took a bite. You dropped the fork and that was it. All right. That's fine.

But I'm saying the way I learned how to do steak was from that, that dude with the glasses, Alton Brown or whatever. Okay. All right. Does that contractually fucking obligate that part? Do you like grill, cast iron, broiler? How do you like it cooked? What I like to do, yes.

What I like to do, I like to get a nice fucking skillet. Nice and hot. You sear it on both sides. Then you finish it in the oven. You have it in the oven and then you take the fucking thing out and then you do a little fucking, you know. Well, not on a steak. I really don't do that.

No. Steaks should just taste fine after that. You put the salt and the oil on both sides of the steak and then you sear it and you put it in the oven and then you flip it and put it back in the oven. That's how you do it. Okay. Yeah. And then I take it out, right?

And I take a big bottle of ketchup. I just dump it all over it and I stick it back in the oven. I add some turnips. If tenderness is the mark of an excellent steak, one cut is king and that's filet mignon. Very difficult. That's a difficult one because it's so fucking thick. You know what I mean? You don't want to overcook it.

You don't want to undercook it, okay? And if your heat's too high on that fucker, right? What's going to happen is you're going to be well done on top and in the middle it's still going to be fucking chili willy. I like a bone and ribeye. That's my fave. I got to agree with you. I like a bone and ribeye too.

I like a bone and ribeye in a nice bottle or two of fucking wine. That's what I like with it, right? Unbuckling my fucking pants halfway through it. You know? Saying something inappropriate to the waitress. That's my idea of a good steak dinner. All right. If tenderness is the mark of an excellent steak, one cut is king and that's the filet mignon.

Sure, it's less marbling than a ribeye, but the texture is unbeatable. Still missing the fat. That's nothing. That's nothing. A quick wrap in bacon won't fix. And right now butcher box gives you two fillets and a pack of bacon free in your first box. It's fucking copy every week, man. It makes me hungry.

All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones and humanely rate and humanely raised before this slaughter. Each box has 9 to 11 pounds of meat, which is enough for 24 individual meals. Or if you go to Dairy Queen all the time, you're tub of shit. You probably finished that in two settings, right? Are you talking about yourself? What are you talking about, Nia? Are you saying that I binge eat and then what, I puke behind the house?

No, but you do binge eat. No, I don't. What are you talking about? I eat fast. That's different. I don't know. I feel like you go in on stuff and you kind of like overdo it and then you're like, I shouldn't have done that.

I shouldn't have done that. What's part of being an American? Then it's a whole shame cycle and then you're like, you know, vegan for like five months. Yeah. It's called fucking getting your shit, you know, not letting the fucking mantits drop to the knees. All right. All right.

Fine. What? You're perfectly healthy eating habits. You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself at all. You know what, Nia? I thought I was aware of every issue you had with me. I didn't realize that this was another one. Can I get back to fucking butcher twat here?

Butcher box. Each box, I can customize my box or go with one of theirs. That's what people are going to say someday about when they're ordering a robot sex doll. I can customize my box or go with one of theirs. You just got the standard twat right off the box. Either way. I get exactly what I want. Options like 100% grass fed and finished beef, free range, organic chicken.

I really feel like the redheaded male sex doll at first will not be a big seller and they will discontinue it and then the price of them will go through the roof. Yeah. And then that's when I'll finally start getting a rare collectible I like to consider myself a rare collectible. All right. Options like 100% grass fed and finished beef, free range, organic chicken. Oh, my favorite.

My favorite. Heritage pork. What happened to the breed? It used to be heritage breed pork, man. It was like Sears Roebuck. That was the old George Carlin book joke, right? What happened to Roebuck, man? Wild caught Alaskan salmon.

They're wild. Nia, you don't know what those fish are going to do. And bacon that's free of nitrates and added sugar. These Alaskan salmon, they come to, they come to town like fucking Marlon Brando on the motorcycle. You ever watch that movie? Which one of us? The wild ones or the outsiders or the, uh, no, hey, we came to town.

Let me tell you something. See, that's, it's, it really doesn't age well. The way on the waterfront is great. And the other one, I could have been a paluka. What the fuck is it called with butcher box? You get the highest quality of meat for just around $6 a meal. And they even have free shipping, but he has two of them. He's got on the waterfront.

What's the other one? Stella. Oh. Yeah. There's two of them. No, he has two fucking classics back to back that have a paluka, which is what I am something like that. I think I'm doing fucking pulp fiction.

I love when fucking Travolta calls. Travolta calls Bruce Willis because he calls him paluka. I love that. And then Bruce Willis ends up blowing him away with his own spoiler alert. That's right. Because Travolta binge ate and he was taking a dump with butcher box. You get the highest quality meat for just around $6 a meal. And they even have free shipping nationwide, except Alaska and Hawaii.

Oh, you'll take their fish, but you won't hook them up. You can get two filet mignons and a pack of bacon plus $20 off your first box. When you sign up now at butcherbox.com slash burr or use promo code burr at checkout. That's two free filet mignons, a pack of bacon plus $20 off your first box. Just go to butcherbox.com slash burr or use the promo code burr at checkout. I'm telling you right now, man, you get any of this meat. All of this meat's fucking delicious. I've had all of it.

You steam saute a little spinach with it or some green beans. You get your protein. You got your vegetable. You wake up the next day, you wake up your stomachs nice and flat, right? The next thing you know, your wife's trashy on your own podcast, not because you're a jerk, not because you're not one of the greatest guys that ever fucking America ever produced. It's because she's envious of you and she does not know how to communicate it. That's the podcast, everybody.

Envy. I'm envious of you. Yes. You're jealous of my... Am I envious or am I jealous? Am I wallpaper pain of envy and jealous? Yes. Okay.

Do you remember? Jealousy is you're afraid somebody's going to take something that you have. Envy is you want something that somebody has. So when somebody looks at somebody else's car and they go, oh my God, I'm so jealous of your new car. They're not. They're envious. Yes.

There. You explain it to me. Yeah. And now he's fine. Smart. I sound smart. Smart. Smart.

All right. That's the podcast. I'm on my way up to Vancouver. Have you ever been to Vancouver, Neil? No. And you never will. All right. I don't know why.

You always blow me off on the Pacific Northwest. We got a kid. I can't just run around chasing you around the fucking world anymore, baby. You know something that you look really beautiful right now. Really? Yeah. Thank you. All right.

That's the podcast. That's how you, you know, I didn't want to have a fight after this fucking podcast. You know, I thought it was funny. I just thought in certain areas you went a little bit too far. You know, the exit interview. You have to be careful when you're talking about grizzly bears. What if people, you know, don't recognize that you're fucking around the entire time? Huh?

And somebody has a fucking, what if a grizzly bears listening? All right. Listen to this music picked out by the great Andrew Thamelis. And then we have a bonus half hour of material, a podcast I should say from a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a number of years ago. And that's it. Hey, Nia, did you watch any of the Democratic international pancake debate tonight? No, I did not.

I was doing stuff around the house. So I will catch up on Twitter. I'm running for Democrats name, name. Okay. Let's Bloomberg, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden. I feel like it's kind of not in the conversation anymore. Yeah. I feel bad for Joe.

Why? I don't know. He'll be okay. I just relate to him. How so? It just like old and you're talking and people are sort of nodding, but they're not really paying attention to you. Which I'll be experiencing in four shows up in Canada.

Oh, Canada. Stop sending your comics to court. All right. Thank you so much. Have a great weekend. You can't sit on. I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 20th, 2012. And you're not going to believe it. Am I going to start off bitching about these fucking headphones again? Because I know what you guys are going to say. You're like, well, why didn't you buy some new ones? You know what I'm going to say? I did buy some new ones.

I did buy some new ones. I was at Newark Airport and I was like, you know what? I got to do my podcast. This looks like a great place to buy headphones. The airport, I'm sure they have the top of the line and they're not overpriced whatsoever considering I'm on the other side of security. So I did. I dropped like fucking 60, 70 bucks on a pair of headphones.

All right. Because I'm not spending any more money. Am I a fucking DJ? You know, am I M&M adjusting the mixer levels here? Like I got something to fucking say I'm not. All right. I'm just a little mom and pop podcast and fucking store out here. $70 headphones with the tax and the fucking airport fuck over, right?

The airport fisting. That's about right. And I got them. I listened. They sounded great on the airplane. They had this little bullshit battery you put in them and then I click, I flip a switch and then it's supposed to make everything around me a little quieter, which it did, which I don't get how it does that, you know, I got fucked up here as people from playing

drums and that type of shit and listening to AC DC too loud and all that crap. And I asked these people about like the Bose system about how to noise cancelization and cancelization. Is that a word? Canceling headphones and they said, well, this is what we do. We, you know, whatever frequency we send the exact opposite frequency and it cancels out both frequencies and blah, blah, blah. So then you can't hear it.

So my thing is if I can't fucking hear it though, but is it still doing the damage? You know what I mean? In the ear, I just, I just don't notice it now because you've offset the sound so I can't hear the sound, but my eardrum is still, you know, getting worn down by the airplane decibels. Can anybody answer that question for me? Does that make any sense? Like I know you've done a little parlor trick here where now I can't hear the noise that exists. It's not like fucking earplugs.

You know what I mean? Like you put earplugs in, it's actually blocking out the noise. These fucking things are like, they're sending out the exact opposite frequency. So then, then I can't fucking hear. But is my eardrum still going like, well man, what the fuck? Right? I prefer those little spongy things that you roll up and you stick in your ears and then you don't have to clean them out for the next nine months.

That's always great, right? And then you put them in your pocket and it gets all with that lint all over it. There's one for you ladies. Speaking of ladies, I want to thank everybody for ordering the flowers from flowflowers.com. And I also want to give a shout out to the people at the Pro Flowers Company because they had no problem with my read a few weeks ago. They actually just didn't like that I said the wrong website. So if you listened to two weeks ago when I did my filthy read of their copy, you'll

now hear that I did a little insert, right? Where it's just me talking, yes, take the face up your ass and blah, blah, blah. And just go to proflowers.com. And then it just goes right back to me ranting again. So how cool are they? You know? I don't know if they'll ever advertise on here again, but you know what? Those guys are cool.

I thought they were going to be like, you know, it'd be one thing if we sold drugs. Okay. We sell flowers. All right. Flowers are the exact opposite of violet. Why would you read it that way? Sorry. So anyways, that's what I'm letting you guys know.

If I ever meet someone who works at proflowers, I'm going to buy him a drink. All right. And don't even think you're just going to walk up to me with a little carnation in your fucking lapel and you're going to fool me. All right. You're not going to have that fucking 300 yard stare that those proflowers people have. It's unmistakable. Anyways, dude, you should see what the fuck we bought for my dog.

My dog has like separation anxiety. And like when you leave the dog alone, it like freaks the fuck out. You know, like, oh my God, this place is too big. I don't know what I'm going to do. It tries to jump through the windows that claws at the woodwork. So, you know, you've heard these stories. We tried to buy cages or his trainers call them Casas, which is the Spanish word for home.

They look at these things, you know, they don't look like a home. They look like a cage. All right. So I've been putting my dog in them. It's a goddamn pit. The lovely Nia, everybody coming to the podcast. Let me hit pause here and let me, this is probably to talk about Cleo. Cleo's new two bedroom apartment.

We just got her. Hold on a second. Hold on. Hold on. Hang on, everybody through the magic of podcasting. She'll be on in a couple of seconds. So anyways, like I said, through the magic of podcasting, the lovely Nia, everybody, how are you?

Hi. How are you? Great. I am doing well. What was with that robotic? Hi. How are you? I am fine.

I was just talking to them about how we Cleo's separation anxiety. So we've gone through all these different cages and she's a pit bull. So she's broken out of all of them. Then she cuts up her fucking face. She's chipped a couple of teeth. It drives me nuts. So we finally just buy one that you just can't escape from. And it looks like a fucking safe.

It's the only way to describe it. I never liked it. It was evil looking. It looks like that shit like, you know, in those Vietnam movies when they stick the American GIs and like the little bamboo things. Yeah. Yeah. She just never.

It really does look like a mini prison cell. Yeah. I just didn't feel like she could stretch or anything like that. She couldn't. She could get up and turn around, which is what like they say is the requirements is that they should be able to stand up and turn around. Which she could do, but it's still small. Yeah, I didn't like it.

Yeah. So we just had a trainer basically made essentially a fucking lion's cage for her. It's the biggest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. And I'm thinking, yeah, there's enough room for her bed. A whole nother section like she has like, it's like when you're in New York and you go from going from a studio to actually having a one bedroom apartment. Yeah.

She's got the bedroom in the back. Yeah. And then she's got the carpeted area in the front. There's a little dog dish and some water. The kitchen area. Some water. Right. Little foyer for her to hang up her jacket.

Right. Exactly. And you know what she does? She tries to break out of it again. Yeah. So it had nothing to do with how much money I've spent on these fucking things. I know. No, you don't.

Because I'm paying for it. Because I'm paying for it. No, I do because you keep reminding me of how much you've spent on it. So I am quite aware. I freak out. I freak out every time it fucking happens. But she only did it that one time. She's fine.

She's just got to, it's like when we got this thing. She's just got to be practicing. She's just got to be in it. No, I wanted it to be big enough so she could have her nice big comfy bed in there. And Cleo basically has three stretches. For you yoga people, she has down dog and up dog. And then she has, oh no, and then she has the one when she lays on her side and all four legs go straight out. Yeah.

All right. Then she has the one where she stands up and does the, I'm a mad cat impression. Yeah. Arch cat. My favorite one is when she sits down and she just puts her head to the sky and goes. Sounds like a fucking. That's my favorite one. Yeah.

She couldn't do that one in this one. Now she can do it in there. And you would think we just took her from coach and put her in first class. Yeah. And she's still acting like an ass. Because she does, this doesn't like to be confined. She doesn't like to be separate. You know how Cleo is.

She's very attached to us. So it's hard for her to just be away. I know. She's not independent. She's not an independent dog at all. You know what I feel like? She's needy and clingy. I feel like that father that just keeps spoiling his daughter.

Just keeps buying her new shit. She's breaking everything. And no matter what I get, she's not going to be happy. You know? She'll be all right in there. I just went before I came in here. I just made her lie down in her bed and she did her little exhale and she's fine. She's driving me nuts.

So. Don't drive me nuts. It's fine. I just wanted to talk to you about. Oh, that sounds serious. No, no, I'm not going to get into that yet. Let me just think before I do that, I got to thank everybody for coming out to my shows. I don't know if you notice, Nia, because I know you're out here just baking cookies doing

your female stuff. Wow. I just completed. If you wonder why I look so tired yet satisfied, I just completed a whirlwind tour of the Tri-State area. Wednesday night, two shows at Vinny Brand Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Charming Vinny Brand. Vinny Brand.

Can I hear Vinny Brand impression? Hi, I'm Vinny Brand. Oh my God. You had the right sound, but you couldn't come up with anything better. Let me hear your Frank Sinatra. Hi, I'm Frank Sinatra. Luck be a lady two nights. There you go.

How's that? Never let her out of my sight. Stick with me, baby. I'm the fella you came in with. Luck be a lady two nights. You know what that song's about? Yes, Bill. What is it about?

It's about a chick and a dude, and he wants to have some recognition, and hey, I'm treating you good. Stop being a little hussy. No, that's the metaphor for throwing dice. I thought that was the most clear part. Dice is the nickname for the dice is the ladies. The ladies. I didn't know that.

Oh, I thought it was actually, I thought it's both. I thought it was a metaphor for a woman. But the whole thing is it's fucking both. Come on. It has to be. It has to be. Come on, and blow on some other guy's dice. You know, I fucking love how clever they were.

By the time we got to my generation, Axel Rose was like, suck my fucking dick, dick. Yeah, and all those rappers, I mean, they just fucking, they just really, they just fucking, they went right down the pipe with it. Yeah. That's what, you know, gangster rap and guns and roses music. That was like, just like a Nolan Ryan picture. No action on the ball. Here comes the heater.

See if you can hit it, right? Sure. Yeah. You watch sports. So anyways, I want to thank everybody who came out. And I think I deserve a pat on the back that at no point did I make front of New Jersey for the amount of Bon Jovi tickets that they still continue to purchase. Hometown hero.

Hometown hero, but giant stadium still. That's unbelievable. What about Bruce? He does. He's Jersey too. Yeah, but he's worldwide. That guy's national. International.

I guess, I don't know. What'd you call him? John Jovi? John Bon Jovi. I got confused. John Bon Jovi. Yeah. Yeah.

He's not international. I mean, I don't know. I mean, Don't they love him in like some, somewhere? There's always the country. You know what's great about this business is there'll always be a country that loves you. Yeah.

There always will be. No matter how big, how small, you want it to be. He's huge in Prague. You want it to be America. All right. If you're an American, I guess. You know, what's his face? Hasselhoff, huge in Germany.

Right. All right. Jerry Lewis got his recognition in France. Much like the jazz players of your ilk. Right. And by ilk, I mean. African American. And you know what happens to me every, every year during black history month.

I don't like where this is going. This is what happens. There's always somebody, some white person. It's just me and another whitey. Right. And they always have to be like, dude, what? Why? Why do they got to have like a month?

You know, do we get a month? Well, it's kind of true. Nia, we don't get a month. Don't even start. Don't even start. You get the other 11 mother fucker. That's right. That's right.

We'll get a month. Every month is Tom Broca month. Yes. Oh, yes. We definitely need like a month dedicated to the struggles of white people. Yeah. Well, you know what? I want to get on that white folks.

You know what? I want to organize and some shit. And maybe it'll happen for you. Where the great white leaders campaigning for it. Oh, right. They're in the clan. Well, tell me about some white struggles. Can't think of any.

Of course you can't. Does that mean there isn't any? What about all those Irish guys? All those Irish guys came off the boat. Let me explain. Let me finish. No, I won't. Talk about potatoes.

Yeah. Now I was going to say, are you going to talk about the potato famine? No, I'm not. Because I've been hearing about this shit since high school. That's why I brought around folks. When I was one of maybe two black people in my high school class in Atlanta, Georgia. Whose fault is that? I'm going to kick you.

Why didn't you move to the whitey land? That's like a fight. We didn't move to the whitey land. We always called it the nice private school. Because you went to a private school like fucking Tupac. And then he comes out, yo, I'm hard and shit. Look at my tattoos. He didn't go to private school.

He went to an art school. Please. It's different. It's two, two in the eighth grade. Anyway. That's privileged. He did take ballet classes. He freely admits that.

Look, anybody who gets shot and can still give the camera the finger. Anyway. I don't give a fuck about your background. My point is, we're talking about, you know, slavery and all that stuff. Inevitably. Inevitably. There was some kid in class who's regurgitating their grandparents and their parents, you know, feeling like they're not getting enough, you know, I don't know, praise for what white

people went through. What about the potato family? Hey. A potato family is not the same as people being enslaved. I wasn't talking about that in the middle passage. It's not the same. And I'll also point out that none of the teachers in my class ever said anything to say, well, you know, I don't know if that's a completely equal comparison.

That's not what I was talking about. Also, it's not a who suffered more contest. All right, I'm done. I was talking about when the Irish came over around the Civil War. And they went to that little Ellis Island out there. They needed guys to fight in the Union Army. So the second they landed, they say, listen, you can sit here and get some venereal disease in smallpox, or you can go fight for the Union Army.

And half of them fucking signed up, landed on Ellis Island, signed up, and then immediately was shot in the forehead by a fucking cannon down South Carolina. All right, I'm just saying, everybody's got this shit, but I've just, you know what's fucked up is I was actually going to defend you and you so fucking sat here sticking your mitt in the face of whitey. Now, now you got, now you got me with my fucking backup. All right. No, I just, I just, no, I'm just saying it's always funny because there's always somebody,

somebody was saying it to me this weekend, I go and I find this, can you just give them their month? I know they get 29 days this month, but can you just give them their fucking month? You know, what if they had a white entertainment television? People wouldn't like that. Like white people really give a shit about BET. Oh, Jesus. What are you talking about?

I don't know. Yeah. What are you doing? What are you doing? We're trying to have fun here. Nobody, nobody said that. What you're doing now is that being said, white people are a okay in my book. You guys are great.

No, I know. I got, I like, I actually love my family get annoyed when, when, when people get, there's two conversations that white people bring up during the year that bug me. One is, why is there a black history month, which is the obvious question is, is it because if we didn't bring it up, you wouldn't, and not necessarily out of, out of being an asshole. It's just not what you're focused on, right? You know, you're in your world. Yeah.

You wouldn't think of it. Exactly. And then the other one is whenever the N word subject comes up, will you guys say it to each other all the time? How are you going to get mad? Yeah. And then they go, how come? Well, so then why, why can't I say it?

And then I always go, well, why would you want to say it? Um, you know, and then wait, and then one time they, they did a documentary on that and then somebody in the documentary goes, I think white people are just mad cause there's something that they can't do. And that was the one where I almost took my flat screen and fucking jammed it in a toilet and flushed it. That whole shit. Okay.

As much as we don't understand black history month, that whole fucking thing that, oh, I'm white. Therefore, the government gives me a USA today in a bag of cash every morning. Yeah. That ain't happening. All right. That's one of those deals. I think a perfect example of, you know, white, there's a lot of white people out there.

He's bound it down. It's like even Eminem, who is so seeped in hip hop culture and like completely accepted in hip hop culture. Cause he's a great lyricist and rapper. He doesn't use the word. So if Eminem is not using the word, what makes you think that like Joe Baloney sandwich can use that word? Who Joe Baloney sandwich made that up.

Oh, Jesus. Um, so anyways, at once a year, I have that conversation once a fucking year, somebody racist that you're hanging out with, they're not racist. You fucking listen, they're not racist. They're doing what you're doing, which is what looking out their own heads. That's what people do. Like the world is from their couch. All right.

And when it doesn't make sense to them, they don't stop and go, Oh, hey, wait a minute. Let me try and turn this around and look back at my couch. They don't fucking do it. And you know what? Neither do you with your little fucking rant about potatoes. I wasn't even talking about that was talking about these. You didn't know that you imagine that you fucking you're trying to flee. You know, they're out of vegetables.

Somebody said the funniest shit about the potato family, everybody's starved. It's like you live on an island. Why don't you go fishing? You fucking moron. I ate it. No more potatoes. What are we going to eat? I don't know.

Have another drink. It's one of the funniest fucking things I never even thought of that. But the thing is, though, it is, I mean, as much as it's a fucking island, I mean, it's not the size of like Gilligan's Island. It's bigger than that. So I guess you'd have to get on your little fucking bike because that's all they had. They don't even have cars in Europe except for like the international bankers, you know, and then they get the police ask going down the street.

That's all you ever talked about when we go over there. You're like, I want to hit that siren. Yeah. And it wasn't until I got to Sweden. They have it. It's so disappointing when you're in other countries and they just have the like the regular one. Yeah.

My voice is a little sharp from screaming. I usually do a better siren. Sounds sexy. It does. Oh, is that what you would you like me to do that? Come into the bedroom. Sure. Let's just go.

So anyways, well, speaking of other things, black this week, Whitney Houston, just out of curiosity, is that going to come out on DVD at any point on the laser that was like the greatest fucking funeral. The funeral is better than the Grammys. It was it was pretty amazing. You really felt like you were well, because it was a show up and do something really weird and screaming old white man. No, thank God.

What was that about? Was she trying to out Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, pretty much the people are doing weird shit just for weird shit's sake and it's not even art anymore. Well, you wait, wait till they both fall off and then they have to do that, that the duet Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga, like when Mick Jagger and David Bowie got together to sing dancing in the street. They were like Rhode Island, Worcester, South America. They started rubbing their asses together.

Yeah, I don't mean this in a homophobic way at all, but that was the gayest thing ever. I think we can all admit even gay people can admit that was extra extra fruity. That was yeah. No, but the Whitney Houston funeral, it was it was like a real funeral. It wasn't like, you know, the Michael Jackson Memorial obviously was sad and he had performers, but it was more like star studded. It was like, you know, the Kardashians all posing together, holding programs and shit. This one was like Kardashians went to the wedding, the the the memorial, the wedding.

I mean, the funeral. Yeah, the Michael Jackson. Yeah, it was it was all kinds of celebrities there. You know, it was like the highest taken in town. And then this one really felt like because they had a Michael Jackson, like Laker Jersey, like a one off Mitchell and Ness. Was it like that? I don't know.

Did he go out like Elvis? What do you mean? Just like completely exploited right into the fucking ground? Pretty much. Yeah. It's all masking. Yeah. They made a cuckoo clock out of him yet as they have like Elvis Presley, one of the most

wrongly criticized artists of all time. We'll get into that later, Neenie. This is being a white people stealing from black people. We weren't really speaking right, but Elvis was great. But I feel like it kind of stopped it, accepted history that he accepted bullshit that he stole all that shit from them is such a crock. Wow. I mean, this is why I'll say it's a crock of shit because if he was black, what he

would be considered was he's he's carrying on the tradition. But if somebody white is into that music, then what it is is you're stealing. All right. Now I'm not saying that the label didn't give those guys, you know, the label. They probably didn't even pay Elvis. Forget about the fucking artists who originally black artists who originally wrote that song. But I've been around long enough, Neenie, that I know that half those fucking people who are saying that Elvis stole from them, they stole their shit from somebody else.

You ever listen to that fucking music, blues music, how many the turnarounds, half the fucking lyrics are like, because if she won't, I know her sister will. That lyric is in like 50 different songs. How many of them were backdoor men? I'm telling you. You know, I don't really know much about blues music. Into the stand up arena. When I did that fucking circuit, there's there is some originality there, but there's a lot

of thievery going on. So I would I would question. I'm just saying Elvis is the original behind the music guy. He basically like he lived every fucking cliche before it was a cliche that he was bigger than life and the guy's belly was full of fucking Advil before they even invented whatever the fuck he had and he died on a fucking toilet. You know, it like for the younger than me. Yeah.

All right. People still parade through his fucking house and have dumb conversations near his grave. There's a souvenir shop across the street. They've turned him from everything into a cuckoo clock to a fucking spatula. That's Priscilla. Yeah, his fucking manager stole from him and everybody just says he's a piece of shit. He's a fucking thief. I mean, I thought he had respect for the music and he just did his thing.

He liked the music. Did people think he was a piece of shit other than people who people who bitch about him will say he's a thief and piece of shit and like they sat down, listen, man, I saw some colored people down the street. They're doing this stuff. I want to take it. We ain't give him any money. All right.

You're talking about a guy who just flew around and ate peanut butter and banana fucking sandwiches. Okay. And came out with those stupid Batman bedazzled gay capes. You know, do you think he really had this fucking some broken? Like he had the foresight to do all of that. Come on. He got fucking raped by his record. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then he takes the fall. He takes the fall. I'm just, look, I'm not saying that they didn't take that music and I'm not saying that those people didn't get fucked. Everybody gets fucked in the music business.

Okay. And they got stepped in. Was there racism? Abs of fucking Luke Lee. But to sit there and just literally look at Elvis, like there was no talent there. Is, uh, it's, it's complete horseshit. Definitely. All right.

And all these fucking people, they have black frame glasses and their goatees once a year trashing him. I'm really getting sick of it. All these Bill Russell lookalikes have had it. The assault and pepper aphros, leave the king alone, pick on somebody else. All right. What else? What do we got here?

What did I want to talk about? Oh, our job as black people is to keep you down to earth. To make sure what happened all those years ago doesn't happen again in this country. So we got to keep reminding you of how evil you are to keep you in your place. I am me. No, I am, I am, I'm an evil white man. I do a lot of the white man shit. You're an angry white man.

Yeah, I am. But it has nothing to do with black people. No, I know you're just angry. It just kind of fell out of the sky. You said, you know, something, actually somebody said something to me this weekend and I was like, I really wish Nia was here. So you could have heard it and said, like, Bill, there's been like a change in you. So I don't know.

You seem like you let some stuff go like you, you know, you, I don't know. You were laughing. You were actually, you know, talking to people after the shows and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you know, can I, can you please say that again with that same level of conviction and can I record this and then send this to the lovely Nia so you can quit breaking my balls over here? You got in the biggest fucking fight this weekend.

How could you do it? Bring it up. I didn't say that. I wasn't going to bring it up. I didn't say, yeah, I've been making fun of Kobe's wife on, on the, uh, you guys will see it. It's my clothes. It's my clothes on the stage there.

It's my clothes and bit the signature piece. I like to save my next special and what do you do? You call me up and you mind fuck me like I'm being too mean. I wasn't mind fucking you. I was just talking to you about. We've been talking. Like I said, we've been talking about this subject for months ever since you started doing it on stage.

You know, I'm going to, you know, spar and debate with you about it because on one hand I feel like you're right. I'm on the other hand. We're right before I do a special. Oh my God. You make me sound so diabolical. I'm not saying you're diabolical. Yeah.

I just said I'm an angry fucking psycho. Can you take one hit? Can you take one shot to the liver? All right. You have this way of like, yeah, you know that really funny part in your act. What's up with that? Well I don't mean to. I'm not trying to mind fuck you or mess with your career or your, you know, your jokes

that people fucking love and what makes you so great. But you know, I just, just talk about it. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. He was, she was trying to suggest that while Kobe was out there scoring 6,000 points a game and rape and bitches, uh, he got acquitted, he got acquitted, rape and bitches up in Colorado.

They found like five different guys semen in that girl. I know. I really wasn't a good look. Yeah. That really wasn't a good look. In her panties, Nia. Whoops. Not even in her, in her panties.

She doesn't even fucking hose herself down. She doesn't even wash her. It's disgusting. Yeah. Wasn't a good look. Yeah. All right. Can I continue?

So she was sitting there trying to suggest that, that his wife, his lady was at home holding down the fort. Raising the children. Yeah. On her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. Well, I didn't say that. Give me a fucking break. That I just said.

Her big move every day was which mall am I going to? That was her job is to take care of the kids and all that stuff. Her job was to watch. I guarantee you her job was to watch the nanny, watch the kids. It smells icky. Take care of it. She's totally in shape, Nia. I know.

Yeah. That's not a mom. Okay. You're a mom and you have multiple kids. Okay. I used to do that joke my act. My mom, she never did drugs in her life, doesn't remember her 30s. That's a mom.

Right. Yeah. It's just a fucking blur. You mean it's not being like not having like a six pack after three kids going on vacation to Miami with your girlfriends, knowing what the hottest shoes out there are. Well, that's what I plan on doing. Is that not possible? Like, I can't, I can't do that.

I have to be like mom. What do you mean? No. Nia, I'm not having some stranger raise our hypothetical kids. I don't want a stranger raise them either, but I fully intend on like looking like the hot bitch I was when you met me. Oh, absolutely. Oh, you will stay in shape.

Yeah. Or I'll fucking build a bedroom out in the garage for you to sleep in. That is for you, buddy. That's exactly what you should say. It is completely fucking unacceptable to be like, well, I'm married to him now or I'm married to her now on either side. And then to just let yourself go and have that big Pelican neck, you know, and then the guy has to sit there in order to lead the lady.

He's got the guys with the big beer guts and you try to keep your 32 inch waist. You keep pushing your fucking jeans down, you know, and you got that giant, like your shirts pushed out so far, you're starting to see the skin of your belly, right? When your belly button is facing the floor, like a Bombardier looking for targets and Dresden, that's when you know you're gonna fucking lose some goddamn weight. So anyways, what I was trying to tell you, I actually wish you came out. We did one of the stops on the whirlwind tour of the East Coast was we did the theater at Westbury in Long Island and it was in the round.

And have you ever done a show like that before? Yeah. I opened for Dana at Madison Square Garden. Oh, that's right. And it was in the round. And I'm sitting there. The place is going fucking nuts. And I was going like, and you know, Dane's just fucking, you know, sitting there, you

know, eating celery sticks, like not even nervous. I'm like, dude. And he's like, what's up, man? I go, what the fuck? And he just laughs and he goes, it's, he just go, he was brilliant. He goes, it's four theaters. He just broke it up. He goes, you're facing this way.

That's a theater. You face that way. It's a theater. And they just combined. But obviously you're not like, like turning in circles the whole time. No, you're not. How do you know when to turn around and to. I can't explain it.

It takes about six minutes to figure it out. And then once you, then you start to, you know, there's a way you can cheat all the way to the side of one stage and have your back turned to them. And then you're seeing three quarters of the crowd. And then you just try to keep like a mental thought in your head. You know, I haven't looked this way in a minute. Hey, let's give that. Let's give them one over here.

It was fun. I was fucking around going, you know, what's great about this is if I start bombing over here, I can just have fuck this. Hey, how you guys doing? How you liking this? Oh yeah. I wish I could have seen that. No, and it was awesome.

And it was, it was like built in the 1950s. So everyone from Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Junior, the doors, yeah, when they still had Keith Moon, I was standing on the stage going, fucking Keith Moon was on the stage. Jim Morrison was on the stage. And then when I was up there halfway through it, I realized how he meant Dell. I'm not 100% positive of this. Did this stand up special when I was a kid that really stuck with me as far as like his interaction with the crowd and his bits and how funny he was.

And he was silly, but he was really good at using the F word. He was really good at cursing. And like he had a couple of classic ones, like, you know, he was really like manic. What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? I asked you three fucking times. And he had the one where the down that special was the one where he was wearing the suspenders

and he bent over doing some bit in the back. They came off and it literally went up in the air and landed on top of his curly hair and the whole crowd laughed when he stopped. He says, wait a minute. He goes, what the fuck just happened in the place went crazy. And like he was fucking destroying. And I don't know, just years later, all of a sudden you're there was was one of the coolest nights.

I mean, that's right up there with, with, I mean, Carnegie was Carnegie, but that one was like, I love that shit. Just like going to an old sports stadium. You know what I mean? And going, oh, that's where the Red Sox choked. You know, all the old stadiums was where the Red Sox chokes. All the new ones are better, except for last year with that fucking chicken and beer. The goddamn.

You know, you could have played for the Red Sox last year in September, they were getting hammered and they were eating like chicken wings and shit. Not being racist. I know this is Black History Month. I didn't really mean it that way. Well, anytime you bring up chicken around a black person, like it gets all fucking weird, like we all don't eat it. I don't get that.

We went to Frank Pepe's pizza. So how was Frank Pepe's fucking insane? So it really is. Because you kept going on and on about this place. It was supposed to be the best. That's what I heard America, America. Yeah. And it really lived up to the hype.

Yeah. OK, it was insane. And one of the ones that we got was this one that had clam. Clam. Yeah, which I was, I would have thought was disgusting. It was like one of the signature ones. It was fucking delicious. The next time I go there, I would definitely get their classic

plain, like they don't have a sauce. They fly in like an organic tomato, like tomatoes from Italy. And they just crush it on the top of it and put it near. It's insane. It's the thinnest goddamn crust. Then there's another place down the street. And that's the one that allegedly Sinatra used to order from. So I don't know.

So it was sick. It was like this little strip in New Haven. It's called Frank Pepe's P.E.P. Apostrophe S. If you're ever driving down in New York or just live anywhere near there, you got to check it out. I would definitely suggest going there like we did on like a Wednesday afternoon or Thursday afternoon, because there's nobody there

because on the weekends, it looks like Bon Jovi's play in there in Jersey. Speaking of which, I got to get to some sort of advertising here. I almost called you Clio. Wow. All right, let's start with GameFly.com. Everybody, do you play video games? Sure, we all do. Gamefly is the video rental system that delivers video games to your door.

We'll deliver those sons of bitches right to your door. Who likes that better than gamers, right? You're sitting there with your legs falling asleep. You're finishing your game, right? You order it up like Howard Hughes. They bring it right to you. And now to your PC games, right to your PC. All right, I don't know how much easier this has to be.

Gamefly has over 8,000 titles to choose from and works with every system out there. And Monday morning podcast, get a 15 day free trial. That's right, 15 days of free games. I almost said 15 days. 15 days of free games. By going to www.gamefly.com. B-U-R-R. Give it a try.

It saves you money. No late fees. No late fees. How the hell does that work? Yeah, keep it as long as you want, you know, just whatever you think about giving it back. Males directly to your house. Again, you get a free 15 day trial. You go to gamefly.com.

And start playing the video games. Hey, guys, do me a favor. If you're playing one that you really like, you know, I fly a lot and I kind of, you know, I did that one time when I flew to Australia. I played Tetris like for eight hours straight and I was just having the time of my life because I hadn't seen this is one like those old school games first started coming back. And I was like, it just took me back to the arcade. When you go down there and your parents didn't want you to hang down at the arcade

because that's where the riff raff, you know, at least in my little white town, that's where they were at and yeah, bullying kids for quarters. Yeah. So if you guys, you know, if you stumble onto one, now just know that the last one that I played was Grand Theft Auto part three and I don't. What are you looking at? Nothing. Why are you turning on my phone over there?

And just because I was, you were talking, we were talking about games and I wanted to download a free game onto your phone that I'm obsessed with right now that you will love. How did you get a passcode on your iPhone? I need to get you just put it in there. OK, I mean, I didn't even, I was watching at a buddy's house. I was watching the next game yesterday and he's like, you should have your phone locked in case you lose it.

Then someone can't call it. I was like, all right. But now it's like a pain in the ass because I set it down for two seconds because I have it on immediately, immediately. So when we get off the air, I got to give you my passcode card because I just realized what if I do a face plant and you don't have your cell phone, be low on juice. Honey, can you hear me?

What is your passcode? Those aren't numbers. Oh, also, we have a new advertiser for this week. And I cannot say enough about this product for hockey players out there. You know what? It's really fucking rude that you're playing with my phone as I'm trying to whore myself out of here. It's really fucking distracting.

You were doing your thing. I thought I could just do it quietly over here in the corner. OK, all right, go on. Go on, go on. Because you love this product, so please. Yes, as you people know, I took up playing hockey in the wonderful month of August of 2010. I got all this stuff out there, right?

Fall down. I feel like I'm landing on, you know, I got all the equipment. So when I fall down in the ice, Nia, it feels like I'm landing on a mattress. It's phenomenal. When I first started playing, all I had was the helmet and the gloves. And, you know, you remember that? Like three days later, I would wake up and I look like somebody beat me with a bamboo reed.

OK, I would have like those, just those bruises. Somebody hit me with a stick. Purple bruises all over your pale body. But the only thing that sucks since then is the only thing that hurts is it's nothing worse than taking a puck off your skate. Fucking kills. I can't even, it's indescribable pain. It's like stubbing your toe times 9000, all right?

And they actually said, if you take a slap shot at 100 miles an hour to your foot, it's like getting shot in the foot with a 22 caliber. Yeah, so it's always like, why isn't there any sort of protection down there? Well, somebody's finally done it. Skatefender.com, they actually sent me a pair of these things. They had these little plastic guards. They're clear plastic. You put them on 19 out of the 30 NHL teams, already have players wearing them, and actually

tried them out the other day because I was concerned, like I'm already slow enough. I don't need to be adding weight to my feet. You can't even tell they're on. They weigh as much as socks. You can't even tell. And if you get hit with the puck, I swear to God, it feels like getting hit in the shin. I mean, it's like, you know, you got hit, but you barely feel it and you can keep playing. And so anyways, all the NHL guys are starting to wear them.

I'm telling you, this company is going to blow up. If I could invest in it, I would because this is one of the ones either Nike or Reebok is going to buy it out because it's brilliant. Like I was saying, 11% of all injuries in hockey are foot related, so you're taking that off the table. I mean, think about that, like for most of us, our NHL dream is over and you got a real job. I don't know about you guys, but I don't need to take one to the foot and the next night

go limping out on stage with one loafer and a clown shoe on, you know what I mean? It makes no sense. Put them on, go be the first guy to have them out there and you watch because everyone's going to be like, what are you a fag, right? And then they're going to take one of the foot and they're going to be crawling off the ice. And you're going to take one. You're going to keep going.

All right. And then eventually they're all going to be wearing. I mean, you'd be like, dude, I called it. What did I say? So this is what you do. You go to scapefender.com. They got two different. They got one that are like $69.99 and they got ones that are $79.99.

Definitely spend the extra 10 bucks. It's totally worth it. I know you're like, oh, that's kind of a lot of money. Can you put a price on your foot? You know, do you want to be that old person hobbling down the street with that little metal half a cage that those people walk with? I used to play hockey. Get off my property.

You don't want to do it. If you still want to be able to cross check somebody with your goddamn cane when you're in your 90s, I recommend these things. And that's all you do. You go to scapefender.com and click on the size that you want. And when you get to the page where it says, apply the coupon, you just type in my name, Bill Burr. No spaces, all lowercase, B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R.

And that's it. And order them up and that's it. You know, I guarantee anybody's ever taken a puck to the foot is going to wear them unless there's some macho moron and they'll take one more hit and they'll be like, all right, you know what? I think I'm going to wear those. All right, let's get back to the comedy. What do I want to talk about?

Oh, here's something too. I bought this. Any ACDC fans out there? This is just going to sound like a back-to-back commercial, but this isn't. Mark Evans, the original bass player for ACDC, I've been listening to these people since you were about two years old. And I always wondered like, what happened to the first guy that's always been like the first bass player?

And that's always been like my question. Whenever I watch behind the music, you'll see some huge band and they'll just be like, you know, the guitarist had a baby and decided to quit the band, you know, and that's when Jimmy Page joined. And I always used to think, what the fuck ever happened to that other guy? You know, and I actually wrote a movie script about it and I couldn't make it funny enough. And then years later, that dude with the part down the middle did a movie that was essentially what I was trying to write.

Are you still with me on the podcast? You're reading the book. So anyways, Mark Evans, Mark Evans, the original bass player for ACDC, wrote a book called Dirty Deeds. It's already in paperback. I know it's been out probably since the ending of last year. I'm tearing through this book. It's a whole new perspective on the band.

And it's also like, as he's really honest and he kind of shows like, there's a couple, I don't want to ruin the book, but there's a couple of things he writes. He goes, yeah, note to people who are in bands. I'll just say one thing that he said, if you have a bad show and you're having the band meeting right after the show, a good thing, don't be the first guy in the band to leave because the finger pointing is going to start. And if you're not there to defend yourself, it's going to, it's going to come onto you. But like he has a couple of chapters in there, Nia, if I can just get you to look at me

at this point. I just, I just, I just read a letter that Bond Scott, Bond Scott wrote. Yeah. Yeah. That's the exact same sort of dirtbag shit that you do on Facebook and MySpace, but it didn't exist back then. So you actually had to sit down and write a letter. He's like, send me a photo.

Get one of those Polaroid cameras. All you need is a Polaroid and a friend and he's like, I can't wait for those bikini pics. Preferably less. Yeah. I can't wait for the three, was it the three minute kiss, then how about a three hour fuck? Yeah. Right there.

If that doesn't sell the book, it's called, it's called dirty deeds. And if somebody knows Mark Evans, if I ever go to Melbourne and wherever the hell he's living at, I got, I got, I got some free tickets for him without a doubt. I always put that out there. I put, I put it out there for Ric Flair. I'm hope one of these times, one of these legends is going to show up, but I'm all the way up to the chapter where he's about ready to get fired. And I actually read a little bit of it and it's absolutely like you just, like this

guy's like really describes like, like the power of, of ACDC when he talks about like they used to start their set with that song Live Wire and how like he would just be playing the bass line and then Malcolm would start playing the guitar and then when Phil and Angus kicked in, like they would just blow the roof off the place in front of like, like 20 people. And then when you're really into a band, like that's the big thing, like, oh my God, I wonder, I wish I saw them before they hit. And he describes that period in the book, like, you know, from a guy being like, as far

as I know, Angus Malcolm, none of them have ever read a book, written a book. So to finally hear a guy talk about what is it like when you're, when you're in that band and it just fucking lifts off like that. He said like their record label guy when he first saw him when they went to London, when, when Angus and Phil Rudd kicked in during that song, like his fucking jaw was on the ground, like, oh my God, this is going to be, these guys are going to be fucking huge. And I remember talking to somebody who worked for Aerosmith and when ACDC opened up for him, like Joe Perry was going nuts watching him and he was hitting Steve and going, watch

it. It was actually like the second or third night. He's going to do the, he called it the frying the bacon thing. We saw ACDC, you know, when he lays on the ground and what kills it, he doesn't miss a note. And like, I guess Joe Perry was like freaking out and, you know, was just saying, these guys are going to be fucking huge. And they got that new DVD out that I've been talking about that Jim Brewer was telling

me about going, I was like, yeah, I'm going to watch it and Jim goes, no, you have to come over my fucking house and surround sound and you have to sit there in the dark and you have to watch this shit. Jim Brewer is so great. Yeah, he's all, dude, he's got a new, he's got a new 90 minute set, does not curse once and kills as hard as he's ever killed. Yeah. Like it's like some, I can't even describe, like when we were on the anti-social network

tour together last, last year, it was really, it was really inspiring. I mean, I'm always going to stick to my filthy guns. It just is who I am. But I have unbelievable amount of respect for the fact that he, that he's doing that because I'm that guy is, he's going to have that, this second wave of Jim Brewer's the shit on top of the original wave and he's going to go, he's going to go to a whole another, you know, you're going to be going to like a Buffalo Sabres game and they're going to be also, you know, hyping the upcoming Jim Brewer show.

That's my prediction. All right. And with that, let's get to the letters for this week. Last week, you know, I was bitching about Valentine's Day. You know, I always tease you about, you know, how we go out to celebrate our relationship except I pay. By the way, how, how much fun was it going out on the 12th? It was really nice.

It was great. Yeah. Doing that from now on, right? That's going to be our new thing. Nice, quiet. Yeah. Romantic. Yeah.

It's going to be a really nice place. I'm not going to lie. It wasn't actually cheap, but I can't imagine what that would have caused. We would have been standing outside, you know, you and your little glitter dress, looking at the other girls and their glitter dresses going, do you like my glitter dress as much as hers? I should have got mine in poofy, shoo, shoo colors. So anyways, so I've been bitching about the ladies on this thing, right?

Like what do you guys do? And they're talking about this steak in a blow job day. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. I like it.

I'll tell you when you're in heaven, when not only can they, no, I can't say it when, when they're, when they're proficient in both of those categories, because there's a lot of people out there, they're going to say, all right, steak in a blow job day and one of them isn't going to be up to snuff. And there is, there is a prevailing attitude amongst women that they are just automatically good in bed because they're there. And there's the prevailing attitude that men don't know what's going on. We don't know what's going or anything is, we're just happy to be, yeah, it's a privilege,

which is why this lady says the Valentine's Day. This is, this is from a lady. She said, Hey Bill, I heard what you were saying about women and Valentine's Day and how we don't buy our men gifts and we expect the whole day to be about us. Well, here's what I did for my husband. By the way, I'm honestly not trying to sell you anything. He goes, I, she goes, I bought him the liberator wedge ramp combo set. What's that?

You might ask, I actually know about this from the Opian Anthony show. They refer to it as a bedroom, as bedroom adventure gear. It's a set of cushions designed to help you achieve more positions during sex as well as deeper penetration. So no, we didn't go out to dinner. No stupid cards were exchanged. We simply stayed home and fucked all night. So choke on that you douchebag.

I love you, Bill. Go fuck yourself. I like this girl. Yeah. But you know what's funny about that? As she's patting herself on the back, she bought something for herself. It's for both of them. No, it isn't.

What do you mean it isn't? It isn't. What is she going to do with it without him? I don't need deeper penetration. That's for you. That is, we'll see again. That's, that's the difference. What is the difference?

She, no, I'm not saying that, that guys don't satisfy their women properly. That they, that their dick isn't big enough. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about how she's patting herself on the back. Like she went out and bought this guy the NFL package for next season. Like she actually went out and bought something for him. She didn't. At the very least, she bought something for them.

But the real thing about that, that's for the woman. So he can hit it at that angle that you like so he can hit your spot so he can get in there deeper. Guys, you don't appreciate that? No, I'm not saying I don't appreciate it and I'm not saying it's not a great invention. But what I'm saying is she's acting as though like this was some sort of a sacrifice that she basically bought him something that would get her better dick and she's patting herself on the back for it.

It's fucking ridiculous. I think it's clever. It is clever because she's acting as though she did something, but she didn't. See this is, this is the thing about that is the genius of women is you guys act like sex doesn't feel good for you too. You act like you guys allowing us to have sex with you. Like you don't want it. And like this is like you like waxing a floor and it's just a big fucking pain in the ass.

But she got something that is like celebratory of their relationship as opposed to like the typical dinner. It's like it's about our intimacy. It's about our connection. So why don't we get something that will enhance that? Yeah, but this is the thing. I got to go out and buy you like some necklace or some, do I get to wear it? I got to take you out to dinner, celebrate and I pay for the whole fucking thing.

It's all about the guy going out spending money on you, getting you shit that you want. And it's the pressures for the guy to show his love to you. Oh, I know a white guy who can dunk a basketball. All right, let's stop talking about the exceptions. I'm talking about the fucking rule here. All right. Okay. You know what I'm saying.

Yes, I do. Okay. All right. All right. Fine. There we go. Yeah. Tapping out.

Why do women act like sex doesn't feel good to them? Why do you, why do you guys? I don't know. I can't answer that. I'm not like that. I'm not like that. So I don't know. I couldn't tell you.

You don't have any insight. I can't keep this going. All right. Let's keep going. But I don't really know women that are like, Oh God, it's such a chore. Like maybe in the next 10 years or so, women will be complaining about that. I don't know. But when I was making fun of Valentine's Day this weekend, some girl in the crowd was

going like, you know, what I said, well, what did you do for it? And she goes, she, he got to hit this and points to herself. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Yeah. What can I just show up and be like, Hey, you get to suck this lady? Never. This, this is you.

Yeah. Never. You never get to do that. Right. I don't know. This is what it is. This is what it is. If guys could ever stop being such fucking sluts and giving it a, well, that's why women,

don't respect dick is because it's so easy for them to get it. If you'd stop giving it away, if every guy would just start the day and fucking rub one out, right world would be a lot more peaceful, at least until two in the afternoon, by then your balls fill up again, start getting competitive. Why is his cubicle bigger than mine? Um, I don't even know what I'm saying here. It's just, it's, you know what it is? It's just one of those things that balances it out, right?

I can choke slam you on the floor and you can cut off the sex and that balances out. But it's illegal for me to hit you, but for some reason it's not illegal for you to cut off the sex and that right there people is what's known as the tip and point and that's how you lose. You have beautiful cheeks, slap, um, non-relationship advice. Okay, Bill, I need your help. I've been making, how do you say that? That looks like Satan to Chinese American dish.

Say 10. Thanks Nia. Thanks for helping. No, say 10. Bon Joer? No, say 10. I thought they used it in vegan dishes. All right, from scratch, uh, for some time now, it's calls for soy flour, but I think

that I may have an allergy to soy. I've been substituting chickpea flour for a while, but the consistency is a little off. Any help would be great. Yeah. Why don't you just go with regular old white flour that your body can't process. Nothing takes better than fucking real sugar, white flour. You know, don't drink diet soda. Just drink less.

Wait a minute. First of all, this is more like a, like a chef person could help them out with this. That's what's funny about this, Nia. You just totally, I'm not a chef. I was just probably to tell him what the fuck to do with it. I was on my way to saying mozzarella sticks here and you're like, wait a minute, but you don't know anything about this. Sorry.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, once again, a female showing their comedy instincts. Oh fuck you. I know it's a big tragedy. It's a big tragedy how people view women in comedy and it's all guys fault. It has nothing to do with the thousands of horrific sets. Leave it alone. Come on Nia.

Leave it alone. Look at, it doesn't look at empathy. Sometimes empathy helps. Sometimes it doesn't help. Talking about a stand up. And I think there's a bunch of hilarious people out there. Chelsea Peretti is one of my favorites. Yay Chelsea.

Fucking hilarious. We love Chelsea Peretti. One of my favorite bits the last five years when she said she was, she was a fat guy comedian. I asked her about it about the other days. They said they edited it out of her special, which sucks. Why? Because that's what editors do. They're like, what makes this awesome?

Remove it. I'm just saying, if somebody said white guys can't dance, am I really going to get mad at that? Am I really not going to honestly look at myself and admit that I'm part of the problem? That I'm not one of those people? You know? If I ever wanted to become a better dancer, just let that roll around your head without laughing, right?

If I ever wanted to be a better dancer, Nia, what would, what would make me a better dancer? To go out and fucking learn how to do it and do the work or for them to lower the fucking standards? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to lower the standards a little bit. Pull yourself up by your fucking bootstraps and bring it and bring it.

Move on. Move on. Oh, I'm not saying that they don't get fucked and that it's not, it's not unfair, but like this whole straight across the board thing where people think that they're ready to be on shit, that they're not ready to, like really, you're the next one in line, you know? All right, whatever. From Argentina. Another one from Argentina.

Argentina is a great country, men. What? This is what happens when people write in a second language, but I can't give a shit. Here you will find the reason why the ACDC crowd was so incredible. They sent a link. The reason is that Argentinians in general are soccer fans, but insanely fan? Not funny. I don't know.

I can't even read this. Soccer fans sex desire or performance is directly proportionate to their correspondent team performance in the league. Oh, so if your team leases, you don't even want to fuck, or do you hate fuck your woman and blame the loss on her? It's crazy, but it's true. In the video, you will see the entrance of the team to the field. Each Sunday, the majority of the Argentinian teams have an entrance like that because

people are fucked up in an, I can't even read this in one of your podcasts. You mentioned where you find a good steak. Steak spelt like I want to kill a fucking vampire here in Argentina. We have the best meat in the world. It's insane. The meat quality. I've had the possibility to travel to many countries and I've never tasted better meat than here.

It's like the cheese for the French or the tacos for the Mexicans. I guess that you imagine Argentina like if we live in the sand hunting for a food like National Geographic. No, I don't, you cunt. No I don't. See that works both ways. They always say Americans are ignorant. You know what I mean?

You guys are ignorant. You're like their whole fucking idea of us is ignorant. Is ignorant of us. Like first of all, like you guys are fucking brilliant. Like I'm going to go down to Argentina and everybody's going to be looking through a telescope and it's going to be proficient in like calculus. Give me a fucking break. You're just like me.

All right. You're trying to get a sandwich. You're trying to get laid. You're doing what the fuck I'm doing. All right. I'm done reading this. I get it. You guys are fucking awesome fans.

And I would like to go down there. I would like to learn your language. And I would like to have your fucking Kobe beef. Okay. They do those like those Argentinian restaurants. Other ones where they just keep bringing you racks and racks and racks of meat. Yeah. I don't like that.

Sure. I don't know what the word is. I first of all, I never feel worthy of eating like that. Like I just conquered some castle. Yeah. Like you're a king. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't like that. That's that's one of those things. They bring around all the meat and it's just like a meat nonstop. Yeah. Tracy Bobby used to go up to that one right up the street. Yeah. And they absolutely loved it. I've never been to any of those restaurants.

Yeah. I was never into that, uh, that style like, um, I don't know. I would just rather just have like the, uh, one steak. Yeah. I don't eat too much when I go there. The guy comes up. It's like the three musketeers, you know, and they come up and roast beef, ham and fucking something else.

I will have all of that. Bring on the winches. Um, all right, blasted a girl in the face and self-defense. Need advice. All right. Well, let's first see if this was self-defense. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Here we go. Hey, Bill, I need your help. I punch my best. I punched people. Can you proofread your shit? Hey, Bill, I need your help. I punch best friend's girl. I have past six months.

Is this another guy from Argentina? This better be a second fucking language people or you, I've actually found someone dumber than I am. I have passed six months for the past six months. I've lived with my three best friends, um, until one of them decided to move, move their girlfriend, who was used to mommy and daddy, who was used to mommy and daddy buying her shit in with us. All right.

So you already have an attitude towards her. That isn't good. Um, at first I was okay with it because it was less money. Okay. So basically he's living in this flat and one of the guys brought the girl in. And at first he didn't mind because it was, uh, it was cheaper. But after two weeks, she showed a true color. She acted like a bitch that traded periods with blue whale.

This is definitely a second language. Uh, is this from Borat? She complains that the food we bought was too cheap or the living room furniture was too cheap and tacky looking. That was not the worst. Her and her best friend argued nonstop from morning to night or would have loud drunk makeup sex. Oh, that's her and the boyfriend.

The most horrible thing she would do was if one of her roommates would tell her about herself, she would tell her best friend and that hotel or something about herself. What the fuck is with these emails this week? Anyways, so this girl's annoying him. He puts up with it until the Super Bowl night. My condolences by the way. Thank you. Go fuck yourself.

If you're not serious, uh, every, everyone had left the place because there was a campus party and I did not want to go. This is when the problem happened about a half, about a half time show. The girlfriend walks in shit house with about four of her friends. This is an American rightness. I stand corrected. We are stupid. Uh, they sit in a den with me being loud as shit.

Then they all start singing along to Madonna during the halftime show. I just want to take a beer bottle and jam it in my ears. Just before the second half has started, I informed them that I want that if they want to stay, they have to shut the fuck up. The girl makes a racial comment, um, towards you, I'm assuming. I call her a whoring cunt. Next thing I know, she is on me punching me. I push her off, but she sinks her Mr. Ed teeth in my fucking arm and won't let go.

So I had no choice but to blast her in the face. Her friends pick her up and carry it to her, to her room and she's knocked out cold. This guy really got, you got all of that, didn't you? Did you push her away with the forearm that she had the teeth in and then bring her immediately back to your body as you drew your fist back and wham! Is that how it went down? Because that's tight quarters if she's biting you. Um, anyways, well I rushed to the ER to get eight stitches in my arm.

Jesus Christ. That's amazing to be able to do that with human teeth. You know? Um, yeah, this is brutal. Flash forward two weeks and nobody in the house will talk to me. Then one night I get off work, everybody's sitting in the living room with college counselor intervention style. They tell me that my girlfriend is scared for her life and I need to go to anger management

or I have to move. I look at my friends who know me all my life that I would never hit anybody, even a woman unless I had to with disbelief. So Bill, should I go to anger management to appease them or just ignore her? Cause I'm sure it's how moving out of the house. Thanks. Yeah, just move out too. Just move out.

It's not, it's not worth it. And chances are everybody, all the other roommates know this girl's a psycho too, but she's such a psycho that they're like afraid to say anything. Look when somebody's biting you to the point that you have to get stitches, I mean what are you supposed to do? No, that's ridiculous. Sweetheart, sweetheart, stop it please. Yeah, and it's definitely true.

Women should not hit men because it's not, it's not fair to then if they hit you back to get upset. You shouldn't be doing that. No, this is, by the way, this is, if everything you said was true, if she did say something racial. Yeah. So if everything you're saying is true, I would just, I would just move out. Yeah, just, just get away, it's a bad situation.

Walk away, be glad that she didn't fucking call the cops on you and you didn't get arrested. They always got it, they always got to get the last. It could have been worse, just, just move out, just move out quietly, don't have any contact with that guy and his girlfriend anymore, don't hang out with them if they're going to be, if they're, if everyone's hanging out and they're going to be there, don't go. Just don't do it. Well, you know what's annoying me with this, you know what's annoying me with this is, if it went down the way this guy said it went down, this girl got what she deserved

and someone like this, the last thing they can ever handle in life is when they get something that they deserve. So right now, so what she has to do is she has to get another, the final blow. You know? I'm going to get you in trouble. I'm going to tell on you. She's going to go to anger management and you're going to have to go through the pain in the ass of having to move and then she's going to sit there all cunty as he moves out

like doing that shit. And it's making me want to hit her and I just, just move out because it could have been worse because if she had gotten you arrested, that would have been the whole other thing. Here's a good one. Should I kick my neighbor's ass? Yes. Yes. Generally speaking.

Yes. We're going to go with yes. Hey Bill, love the podcast. Is that what time it is? No. That's East Coast. Okay. I'm going to switch where the fuck is the podcast.

I need some advice on what to do about the gut. This guy lives in a few houses down from me. I'm a third year college student and I live at home. My parents moved to go live in the state above mine, you mean north? And I currently reside alone while they are trying to sell the house. A few months ago, I was driving home coming back from a gym and while I was driving in my neighborhood, I saw this guy step in the middle of the road about 20 yards from my car.

He said he saw something at me but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I slowed down and stopped my car right in front of him and he came to my window and told me to get out. I was totally confused and thought I ran over his cat or something. Also I think he just moved in because I've never seen the dude in my life. So I rolled down the window and asked, what did you say? He goes, I'm going to kick your fucking ass, get out of the car. This guy's probably in his 40s and has to be around 5'10".

Is this me? 250 pounds, that's not me. I'm 21, 6'3", 200. I do crossfit and I wrestle occasionally at another gym I go to. So I get out of the car and I'm standing there trying to figure out what the hell is going on. The guy starts moving towards me so I take the initiative and take a step towards him. We end up being an inch from each other and he's trying to do some alpha male shit by

just staring at me but I have the height advantage so I'm looking down at him. In at least 10 seconds go by before the guy goes, how fast do you think you were going back there? I say, I don't know, probably around 30. The speed limit in my neighborhood is 20 and I know I wasn't going that much over it. Then he goes, I'm not going to have my children playing in the yard if I know assholes like you are driving like that in the neighborhood. After he said that, I saw his wife and son were a little off to the side of the road.

Once the word asshole left his mouth, I was fucking pissed. I wanted to just tackle the dick and put him to sleep in front of his wife and kid to teach him a lesson. But I pussied out and just apologized to him and said that I was really sorry and it wouldn't happen again. The guy then gives me a fucking little smirk and turns around and says, while walking away with his back turned, it better not or you know what will happen. Oh yeah.

You definitely should have kicked his ass. You should have kicked his ass. Yeah. What a fuck. Do you realize? Yeah. Do you realize what this kid did? He's such a fucking gentleman.

He could have kicked the fucking shit out of this guy. He saw his wife and kid there. It would have been a masculinity. Yep. His dad is Superman. He sits there. You know what it is? It's that little smirk.

Yeah. That fucking smirk. I bet that cunt steals from work. Yeah. I bet he does. Sorry dude. No way. You fucking cunt.

Yeah. You should have kicked that guy's ass. But it's a good, I suppose it's good that you didn't do it because you weren't the bigger person as they say, but he definitely has it coming. This, then he writes, now after that, that shit I wanted to explode. I mean the guy totally disrespect me so I get in my car and drive off. End of story? Wrong.

I couldn't get this fucking guy out of my head. Dude, I can't get it out of my head. I'm going to actually fantasize that I was there and he did that what I would want to do. I've already, you know what I would fucking do? I would wait till he was alone. Don't do this shit. Don't do this.

But I know what you just want to get the guy alone and be like, hey, what are you going to do now? Huh? What are you going to do now? You just get right in his fucking grill and have him back down. Yeah. Or I would almost just say to the guy, say, hey, listen, man, just call him over to the car and just say, listen, I just wanted you to know the other day.

That if I wanted to, I could have fucking stuffed you in my trunk, tied you up like a fucking pretzel and ass raped you in front of your fucking wife. But I chose not to. Okay. Cause I didn't want your son to know what a little fucking, I can't say it pussy. He has for it. That wouldn't have been homophobic either. I wouldn't mean me talking about gay people.

That's such a fucking pussy move. Yeah. And if for some reason, but, but I'm, but I'm, no, then that's what you say. Maybe do it like Colombo to say, listen, man, I got to ask you something because I'm six foot three. I cross fit. I wrestle. Okay.

And just looking at you, I know I could tie into a pretzel. I know I could do it if I wanted to. But the confidence you had, I just want to know what, what is your background? You know, cause you know, I'm a real competitive guy. You know, if you got some sort of martial arts training, you know, I would love to have you. Why don't you come down to the gym sometime when your wife and kid aren't there. So I don't have to feel guilty when I fuck you up and close both your eyes with this one

and his friend over here. What is the rest of the thing say? I don't even need to read it. It's not, but it's not over though. I know because what's happening now, this is what happens when you do the right thing in life. Okay. When, you know, it eats away at you.

You have to make peace. You have to make peace. And you got to tell yourself the lie that someday this guy is going to get his. And you know what? He doesn't guys like this. Don't get theirs. Oh, that's smart. I can, this kid, this kid really painted a fucking picture.

I can, this is driving me nuts. He goes, I couldn't get this guy out of my head a week went by and I was still thinking about that asshole. Dude, I would think about this guy 20 years from now. Two weeks later, I was driving home from school and I see the guy rolling his garbage can out to the curb. I slow down to fucking under 20. And I know this because I looked down on my spedarm, spedometer, I pretend to stare the

guy down. So I look at him and he looks at me and yells, slow down. Wow. Now, when he said that I am fucking raging, I wanted to stop my car and do some ground and pound on his face. Yeah. This kid knows what he's doing. Like this kid's doing UFC shit.

But did I? No. I just drove off like a fag. The next day I talked to my friend about it, about what had happened and he said that this guy said the same shit to him. If he said that he would have put him on his ass. I know. Dude, you know what I would have done?

He told me that if he says he's going to kick your ass, then that's a threat so you can defend yourself. Don't listen to your dumb friend. He's saying you won't get arrested. So a few months have passed and I'm still thinking about this asshole every time I drive by his house. Fast forward to yesterday and I'm biking in my neighborhood. Listen to an eye hop and I hear a honk from behind me.

So I pull my bike over to the side of the road and it's none other than the same dude in his Ford F-150 driving along and he looks at me and gives me the middle fucking finger. Wow. Now granted I was in the middle of the road and didn't hear the guy coming because I was listening to music but still the middle finger. So I bike home, take a shower and try to convince myself to walk over to the dude's house and confront him. But after a couple minutes of pacing, I just decided to wait it out until the asshole does

one more thing. I mean I don't want to get arrested so my question is what the hell should I do? I mean every time I drive by this guy's house now, I want to fucking veer off the road and ram my car into the middle of his living room. Any advice would be good. All of my friends think I should go over there but I want a second opinion. You can't do anything to this guy unless he puts his hands on you. This is just one of these things.

But you can do to him what he's doing to you. This guy has an insane temper. So you know, I'm not advocating legally so you don't do this but like, I don't know what I would do next time if you see him out in the yard or something. This is what you do. I have a great idea. Do you have any friends who are really good mechanically? Why don't you take your credit card out, go down to the fucking auto store or go online

and buy one of those fucking train horns and have it installed in your car. And next time you drive down the street, just be sort of zigzagging down the street just to get this guy to be fucking, you know, getting all like, what the fuck? And the second he starts screaming, you lay on that fucking horn as loud as humanly possible and you blow out his eardrums. That's what I would. But then again, then no one would do shit like this. He would say that I have permanent hearing damage.

You know what I think you should do, maybe because I'm a female and I'm all about psychological warfare. What should you do? I think when the husband is not home, I don't know if he knows his schedule or whatever, he needs to go over there when the wife is at home and be like, listen, you know, I'm so sorry about that time that I was speeding. I really, you know, but your, your husband seems really upset. I'm really not trying to be like that.

I would never do anything like that. And women are like, Oh no, no, no, no, because she knows her husband is a psycho. And like, I mean, she could turn around and be like, yeah, you shouldn't do that either. But I have a feeling she's not like that. And he can just go over and just make nice and be like the sweet kid that's helping out and Oh, do you need me to take the barrels out? He needs vengeance. And then, but then I feel like maybe that would fuck with the husband and he's like

sitting there sipping tea with the, the wife and Oh, look who came over. He just wanted to apologize in person and you know, I don't know, I don't know, it's a great thing to do is, there's, and then fuck the wife. There you go. No, no, no, no, he should fuck his wife. He should fuck his wife. He should play with his kid in the backyard, like toss the football around with him. Be more like, you know, that's the thing you can't, you can't do.

There's nothing like just start keeping him in the finger. This is the deal. All you got to do is just give him the finger, give him the finger right back because this guy thinks you're a bitch right now. So all you got to do is, you know, you can just yell back to say, you know, just give him the finger, yell back at him. When he's in the driveway, I would like swerve at him and then swerve back just fuck with the guy.

He's not, I mean, just do that once because the next time he might have like a video camera. But I just don't want to get any, I don't get any, you know what? If I was in that situation, dude, you know what I would do. Yeah. Oh, Monday morning quarterback. Look, well, I was in that situation with that other guy, right? Yeah. At the last place we lived and I didn't fuck with him because he was an old guy.

I just didn't fuck with him. And now we found out he has dementia and all this shit. So I'm psyched. I never yelled at the guy. You know what you do now? You know what's what really diffuses angry guys like that or makes them even more angry is just laugh at him. Just keep laughing at him.

Laugh at him, give him the finger and just keep calling him tough guy. All right, dead tough guy. Anything, anything you just keep calling him anything that is remotely, all right, dead Chuck Norris, anything you want to say to this guy that will bait him into hitting you. This is a really a fuck. This is a great question. And I don't want to get in trouble. If some shit goes down.

So you shouldn't do anything, sir, wink, wink, wink. This guy's such a dick. I always say, you know, fucking with somebody's car is like a pussy move, but this guy's such a dick and he has like such a, oh my God, dude, how many times you thought about throats to just choke slamming that guy around into the hood of your car repeatedly. When you said I can stuff you into my trunk, bend you like a pretzel and ass rape you in front of your wife. No, but if you just said it really calmly, if you said it calmly with sort of a smile

on your face, you come off like a fucking maniac. Yeah, that's true. If you scream that at somebody, you just sound like you're quoting like, you know, Hulk Hogan or something, right? Let me tell you something, brother, come this Saturday, I'm going to bend you into a pretzel and ass rape you all right, overrated, underrated, underrated, female friends. I just broke up with my, with my lady, my girlfriend. She was a great woman, but she didn't live in my city and there was some other issues

and it was not the right fit. Even though I was completely honest and open this girl, once I knew it was over, I broke up with her the nicest way I could. Nevertheless, it's hard to walk away from an otherwise great girlfriend and I totally felt guilty about it. When I mentioned this to some of my guy friends, they were like, oh, sorry, bro, bummer, let's go get drinks, which was nice in its own way, but women I am friends with in my life immediately looked in on me and showered me with a degree of validation support and encouragement without

ever questioning my decision. Yeah, and I would think at one of them would at least give you a handy. I was their friend, so whatever I did was right and I was automatically an awesome person. It was a little disorienting because I felt like they weren't really looking at any of the circumstances or the lodges behind my decision, but it felt really good. Wow, that guy just generally likes the company of females. I thought it was going to come around and then they felt bad for me and one of them blew me.

You need female friends, man. All right, overrated. Female friends. I don't know what it is about females that they are programmed to behave in a way that grants their friends blanket validations without question or hesitation, but come on, you guys don't. I know a lot of women who say I don't have any female friends. I can't hang out with women that too petty and blah, blah, blah, but I don't know any

guys who go, I don't have any guy friends. I find them too petty, they're childish, yada, yada, yada. I know guys that I like them. They prefer hanging out with girls because they want to fuck them. No, because they like talking about stuff and whatever and like doing activities. They don't just want to, you know, I've heard this from a straight man. Who do you know like that? I know a straight guy like that.

Like all his friends are chicks and they kind of do that whole blanket. Oh, everything you do is awesome. Oh, I can't believe that person broke up with you. It's so sad. Let me take care of you. Oh, he's a mama's boy. I'm talking about a guy. I'm talking about guys.

No, I would say he's a guy's guy. No, he isn't. No, I would say that he is. Guys guys don't just hang out with women. They don't. Well, maybe he's not a guy's guy. Yeah, no. But he's definitely like a masculine guy.

You wouldn't take him for a certain life. No, I'm not saying he's gay. I'm just saying he's like a mama's boy. Grew up around women. Maybe. Probably doesn't like when he probably doesn't like ball breaking. Probably finds that childish. Yes, actually.

Yeah, exactly. Okay. Mama's boy. Okay. He's not good at it and he always loses and then he gets mad and his ears turn red and everybody makes fun of it and I feel like I'm on the playground. Let me go hang out with, you know, all these women who replace my mommy. Let me guess.

Does he like to cook too? But if this is what. Yes. Yeah. See, I know this guy. All right. But if this is what their support network looks like, I'm getting back to this thing. It all of a sudden made a lot more sense to me that this is how girls rationalize and

perpetuate horrific decisions that make no rational sense. If I had a nickel, for every time I was a victim of chick logic, I would have a huge goddamn pile of nickels. On the other hand, I would make a lot more terrible decisions too if every time I made one of my group of, if every time I made one, every one of my group of friends validated me. Thank you to my guy friends for calling me out of my bullshit. So there's a guy, he sees, he sees, he sees both sides of it.

Yeah, we definitely lead with sympathy rather than, well, what was your part in this whole thing? And don't you end with, with shit talkery, with shit talkery when they leave the room? Hey, I just realized I have a couple more reads I have to do. Amazon.com has been a great thing. I don't know if you heard about this, Nia, if you're going to go to, you do it too. If you're going to go to Amazon.com, not saying you have to, Nia, there's no pressure. This is the low pressure sale.

But if you're going to go there and buy some stuff, just go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page and you click on the little Amazon link. I've already done it. You've already done it. I have. And it's easy. And you can do it too. You click on it and then you go there and if you want to buy something, you buy it.

All right. And I'll get credit. They give me a little kickback and 10% of it. I send to the Wounded Warriors Project. How great is that? Great organization. Hey, and by the way, where I'm actually, I'm doing my special in DC coming up and my publicist, we're trying to hook up some of the troops out there, some of the Wounded

Warriors. That's a great idea. Yeah, but I'm going to try to make it over to Walter Reed and some of those places. Bring some DVDs. Do it, do it. Who's bringing a little Christmas in March. I am. That's great.

Yeah, so please, it's a great cause. It really is. It really is a great cause and something that, you know, it's just one of those things. It's like, it's like rescue dogs. You can't mess with that. Like why wouldn't you go down there and help out a dog? Yeah, absolutely. Did I just compare human beings to rescue dogs?

I'm the worst. I'm just saying, it's just something that you can't, you can't, you can't fuck with that. Yeah, we've got to take care of our people that are going over there for us. Whatever your feelings are about that whole war on terror. Don't oversell it, Nia. I'm just saying, we know what to do, support our men and women over there. It's hard over there.

Who among us would do what they do? Exactly. Not me. I'm sitting here in pajama bottoms. It's almost 11 in the morning. Huh? I know. I am the furthest thing from a hero.

If you look up anti-hero in the dictionaries, a picture of me with my pajama bottoms on. All right. Stamps.com everybody. This site is blowing up. Do you hate going to the post office? Sure. We all do. Even going down to buy stamps, even using their automated machine, you'll always end

up behind some guy who's got to figure out how to weigh his package. I don't know what I'm doing. You know, Freddie 12 fingers trying to figure out how to do it. Well, this is the deal. Stamps.com. He signed up with these guys. They send you a scale. They give you all this paper.

You can print out stamps at home. If you're sitting there, I got to mail something. Oh, I need stamps. It's a mere click away at stamps.com. I printed out all these stamps. I've mailed DVDs. I'm weighing my stuff. All right.

It's awesome. I wear a little Mr. McFeely speedy delivery hat. No, I love it. And I'm a grumpy old man who does not like progress. This used to be a ham store. I love stamps up store. They had stores that just sold ham. I'm sorry.

I just thought of a big thing I have. It used to be a ham store. You went in there. How much ham you want? I don't want roast beef. Anyways, with stampspot.com, as I said, you can buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer. You can print stamps and shipping labels for any letter

or package because they give you that scale, the instant you need it. Then the mailman comes to your house and they pick it up. You'll never have to go to the post office again. Phenomenal. I'm a busy guy. I don't like going down there. You know me, Nia.

I'm on the road all the time. Last thing I want to do is get in a car and go on another damn journey. I want to sit here and my boxer brief, pay the man, and go right back to TV and play a couple of games that I got at gamefly.com. Oh, I'm a whore this week. And then put your scapefender, scape protectors on,

and go down to the ring. That's right. So right now, I'm going to be like the stock car guy. You know, they start putting the hats on, yeah. But listen to this. We've got a special offer right now. If you go to stamps.com, this is a special offer for my listeners only.

Use the last name, Burr. B-U-R-R for a no risk trial. Plus, you get $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and $55 with a free postage. $55. That's good. Yeah, that's like three months of postage for the regular person.

All right, it won't cost you a damn dime. So go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page, and you type in Burr. B-U-R-R to get you $55 in free postages plus the $110 bonus. Oh, no, that is included in it. So they give you another $55 with the stuff. And a free scale or whatever the hell it is, I don't know.

That's a good deal. It's a damn good deal. It's a lot of stuff. It's a damn good deal. And you know what? This was a good deal. Another podcast, an hour and 25 minutes. An epic podcast for this week.

I hope you guys, that's it. Is that it for February? No. This week, I will be at the Comedy Works in Denver. And it's coming down to it. It's coming down to it. And yeah, I got this special down. And I think it's going to be special.

Do you have a name for it yet? Somebody, a good friend of mine for a long time, who if I name the special, I think I'm going to name it this. I'm not going to say what it is yet because I'm not sold on it. And I really like it. And last thing I want to do is put it out there and everybody goes, eh, that's a stupid name. I know, I know.

OK, well, tell me off air. I'm going to call it. No, I'm not going to say it. All right, whatever. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. And that guy, the dude there with the psycho neighbor,

I'm telling you, just shake your head. Just laugh at him. Nothing good is going to come from actually doing something to that guy. I don't think you'll get any satisfaction if you figure out what his insurance deductible is and you keep doing damage to his truck that's just under it. I really don't think that you'll get any satisfaction out of it.

Someday you'll feel guilty if you do something like that. All right, that is the wing, wing. No, don't do that. I think you go mental on this guy. You can't go physical. That's what I'm saying. I would just drive by, and I would put the car in neutral as you glide by and just beep in the horn.

Hey, neighbor, whoo, love your truck. You're putting on weight. Ah, you look adorable. I would be the most. That's what I would do. I would be absolutely obnoxious. What if you just loaded up if he was out in the front yard and you just kept driving back and forth

with your friends in the car and just kept driving by his car and going, whoo, hey, you just keep driving back and forth and you just keep waving at him. Hey, buddy, what do you say to it, Chumlee? Ordered 20 pizzas, haven't delivered to his door. There's all kinds. Yeah, just fuck with his world. No, no, you will get no satisfaction out of doing that.

Take the high road. No, none. Keep it by that Jesus Christ. All right, see you later. People will cry when people fall. They'll look for a dry place to call their home. Try to find some ways to rest their bones. All the angels in the temple try to make them error.

Where do bad folks go when they die? They don't go to heaven where the angels fly. Go to a lake of fire and fry. See him again. Tell the fall that you lie.