Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-11-21

Episode Date: March 12, 2021

Bill rambles in a British accent about royal relocation, getting fitted for a suit, and Australia & New Zealand.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you see now your work week's going. How things in your life are doing. I'll be honest with you I used to just check in on you now I just do these podcasts cause I'm bored out of my fucking mind. Jesus Christ Roy I'm bored with it. I can't stop speaking in a fucking English accent ever since I was going to sleep my wife was watching that royal interview oh god she had it on like fucking full blast.

I really think Oprah Winfrey is like the king of doing interviews about shit that everybody already knew so when she did the Lance Armstrong thing like wait a minute you're telling me those people who rode bicycles up and down mountains for a month were on trunks what? Right so you're saying that some of the richest white people on the earth that live in a castle in England are racist? I know you need to get the information out there but the look is shock oh it's like you don't need to sell it that old fucking stupid god damn I mean how many examples do you need how many guys in the fucking bike race got busted every fucking one of them got busted

for fucking being on drugs anyway right so I was out at a club right all of a sudden this ginger cunt comes up to me he's like Roy I'm a prince I'm like what he's like yeah I'm like you're a prince prince of war he's like prince of England I'm like yeah he's like yeah I'm like what I'm like right get away from me you fucking red cunt and he's like right I live in a castle I'm like what he's like yeah I live in a castle I'm like what kind of castle he's like a castle castle so I got me knickers in a bunch so I go over there right he opens the door there's someone with a yak head on his fucking a maid Mike what's that he's like oh that's me dad he's having a laugh and I was like what I'm out

of here hey look at me he said I live in a castle I say all right keep going so we walk down the hall right and all these old white ladies are giving me a look like there's something wrong with me they're like right why isn't she wearing a maid uniform I was like what he's like pay him no mind pay him she's with me she's with me right Nana she's with me enough so we walk into the jewelry room he's like right pick something out there was a little I can't do it I can't I can't keep going with this you know all she needed to do when she grew up is if she watched a couple episodes of Dallas I mean look how fucking crazy those people act acted and they were just in Texas they didn't have a castle they had a ranch

that's how white people behave when they have a ranch like what do you think's gonna happen when they have a castle in a fleet of yachts Harry Harry was the rebel Roy his brother was the one they loved oh come head here to colorless son he's gonna be the next king right so Harry he's already read he's already angry he's like right fuck it so he walks up to me he says hello I'm like hello I don't know why she has an English accent I just can't stop hearing that stupid accent you port awakened I said now I'm not he goes oh sorry I'm like right fuck off fuck off you go he's like why I live in a castle and I was like go on so we're at Royal Albert Hall in a private box I'm thinking about often myself I can't

listen to another person play a cello anyway I find a lot what she said very relatable grew up in a toxic environment you know I kind of related to a lot of that stuff except I did it in a duplex right so like these people are evil these are evil white people let's move to where the open white people are in Santa Barbara Roy where I can seek people who look like me doing gardening for the white people in Santa Barbara oh there's Elbra she had this fucking thing on full blast oh my god I was fucking I was kill I can't remember this shit I was saying at one point I actually got near to stop listening to the interview when she was dying laughing and I was going just being the the woman there right going like don't you think that's a

little unfair he's like Walt I said it's unfair he's like right what that me he's like what what what me he says unfair what that war me never heard it sorry all right so I've just been walking around for the I woke up this morning and I went downstairs in the basement and I don't know what happened every day we had some sort of fly nest down there house flies big fuckers right and they must have been down there for a little bit because they weren't that hard to hit you know I mean I was killing two at a time with the old fly swatter talking shit the whole time you know I actually apologized to a spider that's how many fire the flies I killed like sorry man you think your legs are skinny now I just took your whole fucking

food supply but I'm leaving you I'm leaving you because I think there's one left and that's for you and then you kill it and then you eat it okay and then the the next part of the story is up to you you got six fucking legs you got six ways to hop skip whatever gallop you weigh the fuck out of my house or I'm coming for you tomorrow you got it he was like Roy good show right sit in the servant tea and crumpets I was like what says he says it's a crumpet so I took out me hot sauce I put it on there he's like Roy what you're doing said I'm adding some flavor he's like I think you brought enough flavor already if you know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge know what I mean um anyway

oh shit so I woke up this morning do do do do it and I was like you know what I'm gonna do I I need to uh I gotta get rid of this you know this COVID wait that I I ended up putting on and uh I got something this weekend it's an award show right and I have to wear a suit so so I got my white suit that fits that's my that's my me torrent suit yeah um that's my touring suit so that's like me when I'm just walking around wait but then I got two other suits once the suit I got married in and the other one is the suit uh that I I got tailored when I was in acting shape which is about a buck 68 so I'm like 178 now all right 10 pounds over a couple of stone whatever the fuck a stone is a couple of pebbles um

so I went in to try on the fucking the actor in shapesuit and dude when I tell you I was missing it by fucking three and a half inches around the waist and I was like whoa I was like you gotta be fucking kidding me and then I looked at the the and then I take out the wedding suit black suit I'm like okay that's good for an award show black suit white shirt black tie cool right and as I'm putting it on I was like dude you wore this at your wedding there's no way you're gonna uh couldn't make it and I was like god damn it so I had to go buy a suit I had to go buy a suit so I went down there it's fucking hilarious you know anytime if you go to go to go buy a nice suit I don't give a shit what's what shape

you're in they're gonna make you feel like you're fucking 50 pounds overweight they're like yeah it looks good in the shoulders let's see the pants I'm like I can't get in those fucking things and well let them out a little bit I go why don't we go up to the next size yeah it's not gonna look as good it's like how the fuck is somebody gonna notice the next size what was the last time you had on a pair of 34 jeans and then next day you know you came in with a pair of 36 and somebody just looked at you like did you go up a couple of inches so anyway but it motivated me so now I'm gonna try to get back I'm already doing this shit so I'm gonna try to get back down I'm gonna get back down right so I gotta go to the grocery store

today buy some more uh kind of the root vegetables man and these Buddha bowls sorry sorry right and then he called it a Buddha bowl and make that's offensive he's like right what that mean never heard that word what you mean you never heard that word I live in a castle what calling the castle a castle castle with jewelry in servants oh that was the joke I said I was like right I'm gonna go fox hunting me and 36 dogs I was I don't you think that's a little unfair because they walked out me unfair never heard the word anyway so I woke up this morning to try to get myself I was gonna go on a hike and uh I don't I don't know if you got kids I don't give a fuck what time you get up there up

you know you got to do a step up one piece of wood one creaking wood piece of wood my lovely daughter comes up I got all the way down the stairs my god I did it I did it then I'm a dad so I'm turning off the outside lights right Jesus Christ you think I made out of light bulbs right I'm doing that shit I'm fucking shutting off the lights and um right as I'm slipping on my second sneaker I hear her little innocent voice daddy I look up like hey buddy can I go wake up mommy I'm like nope that's not a good idea don't do that she's like um um can can you um um can you can you I'm like what buddy I'm gonna go on a hike here she goes okay okay but um can you make me pancakes right she's got a little bit of jam is on she's got the bed head going I'm like all right okay

buddy come on downstairs she goes thanks dad can I help my god go get the step stool okay and I did the whole thing I made her some pancakes so then I didn't go I haven't gone so I weighed myself this morning 178.6 now I was up to 183 so um you know that's a good you know it's good I'm down like five pounds here but uh I'm kind of all out of my healthy food so I gotta go buy some today and I gotta I gotta cook and just have that shit ready because that is the fucking key to losing weight is you have to not only eat well but you gotta have your feet your feet you have to have your food prepared because if you don't then the daemons take over let's go get a sandwich come on have somebody else make it they can cheese oh

yeah then immediately you're just thinking all that salty goodness that you're gonna have you're like well I gotta take the edge off after that little pint of ice cream huh little cookies and cream vanilla bean know what I mean um so yeah so I'm just kind of uh I'm working on that um I just this is just one of these deals like the way I'm eating if there was a gym in my life if I just could get on an elliptical um right what's that it's a cardio machine never heard of it what's card waltz cardio don't you just do a shot of virgin blood um sorry little ginger um yeah be coming off but then I always go back to like bill if you just walk outside and start

walking up hills that's a free cardio machine you dumb fuck right just go do that so that's what I was planning on doing this morning but it didn't quite work out because uh because I got my priority straight you know um so anyway gotta get another COVID test today uh old freckles is gonna be on the Grammys on sunday if you can believe it can't sing a lick of music right and uh I'm gonna be a presenter too so I have to have a suit you gotta you gotta you gotta look right you know like I almost didn't wear a suit for that critics choice awards for uh Judd Apatow and Pete Davidson's movie king of statten island and thank god I did when I saw it like I was saying when I saw donald southerland and he was wearing a tux with a black tie I was like

there raised right right there you gotta you gotta be classy you gotta be classy all right so I'm gonna starve myself until sunday no I'm not I'm just gonna keep I'm gonna go on hikes I'm going the other way right I'm just gonna keep eating healthy and keep fucking moving so I don't I don't pop a button on me jacket off me trousers off me knickers um but anyways did you guys see the new uh bi g notorious bi g whatever you're supposed to call him it was biggie smalls and it turned out the first biggie smalls was a white guy huh black people always saying white people are stealing from you evidently huh it goes the other way the first biggie smalls was a white guy you you guys stole the name from him that that innocent white guy rapping took your music

so I watched the whole I was watching that whole thing man it was a just an amazing documentary uh I was talking to verzi about it on the anything better podcast and just like that guy had like 50 years of wisdom by the time he was 20 such a brilliant brilliant mind man such a brilliant mind and then I thought like what he was up against I thought they were they just I don't know I don't know anything about hip-hop but they just come off like uh like idiots not idiots they they act like 20-something year olds and now that whole fucking thing escalated um I don't know fucking waste man what a giant fucking waste of talent on both sides with that whole thing but uh so many similarities in his story I just kept thinking about patrice

I'm like Jesus christ this guy's was the same thing patrice was like a fucking was like talking to a 70 year old man when he was like 24 25 you know but he still had that silliness to him but like could really have a fucking deep conversation um I always wondered like what that was about when you meet people like that is it like the brain they were born with plus their experience it's gotta be that it's gotta be that or is it their experience I don't think it is because you can meet somebody in the exact same experience has had the exact same experience and they're fucking you know dumb as a stump whatever the fucking expression is but um I don't know like I even thought when you saw him with like his whole crew it was like he

was the uh he was like the dad it wasn't like he was like the leader he just came off like like you know the older guy like 20 he seemed like he was 20 years beyond his whole crew of people and helping them stay out of trouble and all of that shit um really really fascinating documentary and I started to watch another philip seymour hofman movie kind of going down that rabbit hole something mahogany I just started to watch it and then my wife saw us watching it and she was just like oh I want to watch that with you and I was like all right but we never we never got around to it so um anyway I gotta I got a couple more uh shows this weekend I'm getting geared up today today today I believe today one of these days coming up if you can believe it um I am going

to be doing a tour of New Zealand in all of Australia it's gonna be one show if you can believe this and I'm doing it from Los Angeles this is like one of the great things that came out of the pandemic is that I rather than having to as far as environment environmentally that's a word instead of me jumping on a jet you know polluting the sky and doing all of that shit I can just do it from here which is really cool but I got to get ready for the show but um as much as I would love because New Zealand and Australia were two of the most beautiful most beautiful beaches I've ever seen in my life were in Australia and um and same thing like New Zealand it's just like

there's a reason why they shoot all those nerd movies down there I mean part of it is because there's no sag in New Zealand and then they don't have to pay the actors ever again that's that's a different story but just the way that it looks is um you know when we were in New Zealand one time the only time we went there we went to some beach and the sand was like all black there was this giant like mountain on one side and like the greenest foliage ever and you're like this right here it looks like exactly how it looked when the first boatload of evil white people showed up I felt like an explorer like Christopher Columbus that's how beautiful it was and I was waiting for like you know indigenous people to come out from behind the bushes

just looking at me like what's your deal and then I could be like Roy I'm the guy who's about ready to fuck all this up um but anyway so I'm going to be doing a stand-up show and uh I can't even fucking tell you how excited I am to do this and how fucking hard I'm gonna go on this show okay people have been I did I did that benefit show you know same same place I did this benefit show where they had the uh you know the screens and all of that and I just got such uh uh it's the energy that you get even stand on the screen just seeing the people that sit in their apartments and they like make like an evening out of it they make some food they're sitting down there's a lot of dates and stuff and I think when you're on in

front of a live crowd obviously you get that amazing energy but like you kind of don't get the backstory you get like the backstory well look at this person one bedroom apartment you know young couple they got their whole lives ahead of them you just get it's like you're peeking in on all these little reality shows and they have their names down the bottom you know you could talk to them and shit it's uh it's oddly as distance as it is the distance that's it's really like an intimate thing and they just sort of keep changing the screens there's three screens so at any given time there's like 150 people there um you know but I'm I'm really really excited about it and uh Al Del Benny one of my favorite people in this business I started with him

way back in the day I met him on my second or third show ever definitely my third show when I did Kelly's in in uh Reading or North Reading Mass first time I ever bumped I did Nick's comedy stop then I did an open mic at Stitches and then I did uh Jack Lynch had a had a satellite open mic room in this bar up in North Reading and I ate my balls and he was hosting and I met him and he used to have a sketch group called Alan the Monkeys with uh Bobby Kelly, Dane Cook, him and this guy Jay I forget his name I forget his name but he ended up stopped doing comedy but became like a real estate kingpin so he made it too which is awesome um

anyway so I've known him for almost 30 years and whenever I do Australia because he ended up meeting an Australian woman in New York long story short he's over there now and so whenever I do Australia I try to you know I try and work with him if he's not uh you know if he doesn't have other gigs so that's gonna be the show so I should have a ticket link and all of that stuff I thought I was gonna have it today um I don't see it in the reads here but uh I will be posting that on my Twitter and Instagram as soon as possible and uh I'm very excited my apologies to people in New Zealand and Australia that I can't go there because um you know I would have loved to go on as much as that that that that fucking that run always beats the shit out of me

because it's just that the time changed and it's just right as I get acclimated right as I get acclimated I'm like oh my god this is great I'm on their time I can enjoy this beautiful country I can go to New Zealand enjoy this blah blah blah right as I do that it's like okay now you're going back um I actually had I had it down to how I would do it when I would fly to Australia my move was I would take the 4 p.m flight and uh I'd sit there and I would bullshit with my wife and we'd always be laughing and be excited um and whenever I have like something really long in front of me like that a 14 hour flight I get in a really stupid mood and uh and one of my favorite things in the world is making my wife laugh right so I just start

making her laugh makes her feel good I feel good then uh you know we have all these snacks and shit we're just like fuck it right we just go to the airport just bring all this fucking you know stupid shit right to eat candy and fucking potato chips and just fuck it let's just eat like we're in seventh grade right and then we get like a meal and then I watch two movies and then by then it's like about one in the morning and then I fall asleep and by that point you're like five hours into flight and then I fall asleep for like eight hours and then you wake up and it's like you know we've begun our initial descent into Australia everybody's gonna have the same accent on this podcast and then you land you're like wow this is amazing and you're like

okay I feel good I feel good you need you lie to yourself that you're on Australian time and then right around like one or two in the afternoon it just fucking hits you and then you go down hard and then you wake up and you're like fuck and it's like 8 30 at night and you woke up like it's 8 30 in the morning and then you just got to fight that I've done those gigs a few times with Don Myrera and he has like the most interesting way of dealing with jet lag he goes you know I just don't fight it I just I just go to sleep and I'll stay up all night I don't give a shit and I'll just and he's totally okay with like waking up having like something to eat like his breakfast and then just literally walking out and going on stage it's an amazing thing I was just like wow

that's sort of the way to do it I think I don't know I always try and fight it but there's a lot of memories of being in Europe in Australia trying to stay awake I remember the first time we went to Stockholm Sweden we stayed at the Bern Hotel and it was sort of some story they were telling us about some American rock singer we had some hissy fit in there and threw something down like fucking idiot but I remember clearly sitting outside the Bern Hotel they had like a little plaza there where you could eat and like just trying to be out in the cold air in the sunlight trying to stay awake me and my beautiful wife man she looked so great on that trip I remember that we went out bought some clothes and stuff I still remember her face we were

just sitting there and we were just like okay we're staying up right we're staying up staying up staying up and we lasted about 20 minutes and I was just like Nini I can't do this she goes all right let's just let's just go to sleep and they had like blackout curtains and we went in there and uh oh my god this I have so many fucking memories of doing that in Europe and we would just fucking go to sleep and then wake up it would be like seven or eight o'clock at night you're like ah fuck they're like all right just give yourself a couple of days we'll get acclimated and she was always better at it than I was um doing that man I'd we they gotta cure this shit soon people I hope people take the vaccine I missed doing all of that stuff um all right

let me do some reads here Roy leaving a castle all right oh man oh max oh max cryo freeze oh I'm an old bastard I love this shit living with chronic pain is the worst it's not as bad as living in a castle uh it's more than a few it's a more more wait it's more than a feeling of discomfort it can affect your whole life many of my listeners probably have some time some type of pain that has prevented them from relaxing and sleeping or stopped them from exercising Jesus this is like written for me here perhaps it's been ongoing for a few weeks and now hasn't improved with any of the treatments they've tried podcast host to provide an experience of recent pain all my left shoulder but I've been using this shit and then working out with bands and now my shoulder feels great

enter oh max health Roy if you're looking to get rid of nagging muscle and joint pain immediately while providing long lasting recovery by the way all the English people are going to tell me I'm doing a bad English accent it's as bad as your American accent that you think is so fucking brilliant uh then you need to try the natural breakthrough pain relief solution cryo freeze CBD roll on developed by omax health this non-prescription triple action pain relief roll on especially formulated to block pain receptors reduce inflammation and improve muscle and joint flexibility the best part is this is 100 natural CBD powdered powered remedy that works its magic within 10 minutes of application relief lasts up to eight hours much

longer than the over-the-counter products um yeah this is the stuff I put on my shoulder after I work out every single time and now I don't have any nagging pain you do this shit you work out with some bands I'm telling you you get get a personal trainer to tell you how to work out with them okay I don't need any lawsuit here right all right cta I don't know what that means omax health is offering my listeners 20 off a full bottle of cryo freeze CBD pain relief roll on this discount also applies towards any products site why just go to omaxhealth.com today and enter the code Bern that is omax health.com and enter the code the urr to get 20 off cryo freeze and site why still not sold I can tell you pro athletes such as pga pro golfer kyle stanley uses cryo freeze

CBD to recover both on and off the course and go look at the product reviews they've got 95 five star reviews page after page of customers saying they tried everything and omax cryo freeze is so good they are now buying it for their family and friends too anyone from athletes to grandma jose can benefit from this immediate pain relief you have pain that won't go away then you qualify for omax cryo freeze simply roll it over where it hurts and ice out the pain no messy creams or anything that bullshit so go to omaxhealth.com and enter the code b urr to get 20 off cryo freeze site wise omaxhealth.com enter the code bird and get 20 off I don't know why this made me think of this but I watched this video on youtube of paul stanley singing a song you know with kiss live

some fucking you know explosion goes off and his hair catches on fire starts off small and then just gets big and then these rotis run out trying to put it out and when I tell you he didn't flinch and just kept playing the song and he knew what was happening there's no way he didn't smell it it was fucking amazing first of all that he like the show goes on you never stop the fact I mean that man lives by a code and then secondly that he has such faith in his fucking rotis his literally his fucking head is on fire and he says he'll say yeah they got it don't worry it just kept going didn't miss a nick lick didn't fucking miss a chord change it's incredible um candid uh you're not happy with your smile you don't have to be you tape a little crooked yeah

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pick of 2020 uh by gq and wired magazine just go to helix sleep dot com slash burr take their two minutes sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life they have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk free uh they'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it but you will helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helix sleep dot com slash burr all right that's the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast please please enjoy the the little bit of music here musical interlude picked out by the wonderful andrew themalus um and then we're gonna have uh a bonus half hour episode of the thursday

afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast from a thursday afternoon just before friday morning morning podcast from a couple years ago however he does it all right that's it right so what's the lesson you find some ginger cut in a bar who says right i live in a castle i guess don't go in it if you do go in it and you want to like you know just sort of decompress from all the horrible shit that you saw in there you want to go to santa barbara because that's where the open-minded white people live all right i'll talk to you have a great weekend i'll talk to you on uh monday hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday

march 11th 2013 how you doing how's your life working out for you this week i um i had a oh jesus you know what i can't even tell you what happened i can't tell it i have to sing it to you it's got to come from my heart oh if you're a lucky man good things happen to you but if you're a red cunt this is for the fucking zoo you'll be out on the road and find out your roof collapsed and there won't be a thing you can do about it that make any sense i don't care if it did you know most of some of the biggest hits never made any sense right oh sugar boo boo boo boo boo you are my candy girl um so i was touring the midwest barnstorming as they say driving in some no-name dodge suv you know that's what you get

when you say hey i want to rent a car from madison wisconsin to detroit michigan and i don't want to bring it back do you have a car for me and they say oh what you know what i think we've got one here in the back i didn't even know dodge made an suv you know dodge is like the olsmobile of chrysler um olsmobiles are nice i like i you know i miss all those cars remember them be olsmobile remember people had a mercury what else do they discontinue pony x what has happened to this country what have you done to your Chevy or a Cadillac that's fucking it ford or a lincoln go fuck yourself you know you either have it or you don't once again another sign of the middle class shrinking um oh by the way you know i just found out you

know because i don't pay attention to politics anymore because i just feel like all right you know they're they're eventually just they're gonna run it to the ground we have to build it back up again that's that's basically what's gonna happen i guess so all uh all uh fucking liberal face there he signed that thing new year's eve basically passing off that now they can just arrest you and detain you without a trial forever that's good there you go see that right there people remember when you all made fun of me because i don't vote for the fucking number one horse and number two horse that's why because there's no difference it's the same fucking horse oh shut up bill all right so this is what happened so i'm fucking driving this no-name dodge

driving this dodge suv i'm in madison wisconsin and um barredo all these awesome shows i love going to towns like that by the way i can tell you this unbelievably underrated is cities that uh frank sinatra did not sing about you know or tony bennett any any crooner if a crooner has sung about a city then you can tell right away that you know before you even land on the ground there's going to be ridiculous traffic and everything's going to cost twice as much you know my kind of town chicago is 80 for a hamburger chicago is that fucking loop where no traffic fucking moves why didn't we come here right i left my hat in san francisco that in your fucking wallet there and then new york you know what that is right bunch of fucking losers with stenciled goatees and

sweatpants thinking they're fucking they're they're making it if i can wake up in a city right and they're sitting there shirtless riding in a fucking yugo that they cut the roof off of putting their hands in the air as they drive through fucking time square making a video for their rockabilly album you know all of those places i'm not saying you shouldn't go there you should definitely go there right and bring your easel and do a little sketch or whatever the fuck it is you're supposed to do but i'm telling you don't sleep on madison wisconsin don't you dare look down on milwaukee wisconsin and i'll tell you right now i got another one for you this is the uppercut grand rapids michigan yeah where are you guys going on vacation you're going to portoreco

you're going to aquapoco no we're going to grand rapids michigan we're gonna get some fucking i'm going to go get a waffle witch at the uh the real food cafe i ate like a fucking suicidal plumber this week at least the breakfast is i had a waffle witch when i was in grand rapids michigan oh royal oak michigan i also forgot about that and i'll tell you downtown detroit slowly coming back the outskirts are still pretty scary but i gotta tell you you know they have pockets you know there's a gleam gentlemen there is a gleam where's fucking pre-playoff i think i talked about that speech ever marty schottenheimer he's trying to get his team amped up to win a playoff game the standing on that fucking football

weather where you can see your breath you know and as they're looking at his breath in his breath it says there's a gleam gentlemen there is a gleam a gleam a gleam has never been spoken in football ever you know if you in fact if you have a gleam i think at this point that's one of the reasons why you get cut from a football team why didn't you get why'd you get rid of him i thought he was doing all right on our special teams ah there was a gleam there was a gleam gentlemen and i didn't like it i didn't see that killer instinct he was too gleamy yes this podcast isn't going to make any sense because my fucking brain is all over the place because i have a hole in the roof of my house i will get to that okay i will get to that and you will sit and you will

wait kind sir so anyways i'm in madison wisconsin you know and i was working with nate craig and he's from that neck of the woods actually grew up right near there so he was taking me around town went to all these great places to eat went to this some legendary breakfast place one of those greasy spoons that somebody who's running for president stops in it you know has two bites of eggs does a thumbs up with some fucking immigrant wearing an apron and then he leaves well i actually stayed there and i ate the whole breakfast and i'm not running for anything you know um oh god i'm so fat right now you can't believe how smooth my stomach is my stomach right now is so fucking smooth you wouldn't even believe that i could sit up in bed because you would say

that poor bastard was born without abdomens abs abdominals there's the fucking word so anyways um we do the gig we do the gig uh what the fuck was it i don't even know anymore was it thursday thursday friday saturday no wednesday we do the gig wednesday we have a great fucking time after the gig this guy from the weary traveler in rest slash restaurant tells us to come by we go over there i look on the menu what do they have on the menu they have hungarian goulash when was the last time you ever saw a hungarian fucking goulash or the rated g version hungarian goulash on on a menu huh well if you do then you live in one of these fucking towns that frank never sung about and i was like my mother used to make hungarian goulash i got it i got to try it

um then i guess when my mother made it when my mother when she made it she put noodles in it but this was the i guess that that the noodles came in in ellis island which evidently meant the hungarians were near the italians and they were like oh what you got in the pot there you know what you need step aside why don't you put some fucking noodles in there right there and right there she's a dano so anyways i had this this cup of uh if you're in madison wisconsin go i'm going to hype all these fucking restaurants go to the weary traveler in and try a cup or get yourself a bowl of the hungarian goulash it's it's fucking tremendous it's got a nice kick to it you know i visited a

couple of old friends you know with ice on them and i had a great time and uh you know great mix of people there we talked conspiracy theory we talked about west welka getting traded you know we had an awesome fucking time so everything's going great you know i'm breathing in the winter air i'm looking at the dirty snow i'm feeling good i'm feeling like nothing can touch me my life is going to be phenomenal all right now the next thing that happened on this trip is so fucking traumatic i don't really remember when it started i believe i was coming out of that greasy diner that i'm sure joe biden is eating in um and when the pancakes are delicious oh click picture taken he's out forces himself to puke in the in the uh taxpayers bus that he's driving around in

um anyways the lovely mia calls me up and she's in absolute tears all right we had just done redone her office redid the floors i swear to god dude it looked like a fucking basketball court in there a very small basketball court you know if you were like a fucking uh squirrel it would look like a full court basketball court to you all right but whatever i'm just saying it was fucking beautiful we did the walls they even painted the ceiling it was the one room in my old ass fucking house that was immaculate all right i just got the roof done listeners of the podcast realized i just got the roof done so i'm psyched okay because two things you don't want in your fucking house you don't want fire and you don't want water nothing does damage like that it's just

it's fucking over so she calls me up crying and says the fucking ceiling collapsed in the office and there's water pouring in and i'm and i am in the middle of fucking nowhere west constant i was in between somewhere between madison in milwaukee and i get this picture and i get this phone call and i'm immediately frantic and i was like it has the water stopped because it had said it rained that night and i'm like is the water stopped and i'm thinking we just put a new roof on it did they fuck up the roof what the fuck happened a zillion things that going through my head how long was the water pouring in because it happened when she was sleeping and then she goes no it stopped and then she went back in she goes no it started again

and i was like for the little and you know she was talking about her pictures and shit and i'm like no the floor is the fucking rest of the house get i wish i thought to tell her to push the fucking couch got this stupid ica couch you know and you're not thinking you're just trying to get the furniture out of the way fucking fuck the couch let the couch be a giant fucking sponge um well whatever i was in the middle of nowhere and uh what ended up happening was it wasn't the roof i have a crawl space between my ceiling and the roof and there was some you know my house is like 90 years old so there was some sort of part of the drainage things one of the joints failed it backed up on the side of the house and the water came up and then one of the joints failed

and then it just started to pool it sunk down through the wood and then you know made the plaster wet and then it collapsed and uh she didn't hear it collapse because it kind of hit the couch it was also fucking soaking wet and uh the damage was done and it went all the way down to the bottom of my fucking house and my house looks like a disaster right now uh but i gotta say the insurance company did step up once they realized that it wasn't the roof is fault and that it was a plumbing issue or whatever the i don't know what the fuck they said um they have stepped up and they came over here fucking help the lovely neil clean up they put some fans on it but by then the fucking damage was done so i don't know what's gonna happen

i'm absolutely sick right now because they're trying to tell me that the floor buckled um and i immediately pictured all the floor boards just every one of them just fucking looking like hammer toes but i think they're trying to say it's in the middle of the room i don't know what but that wood is priceless you know that's the wood that they from trees they cut down on the 20s that were you know old trees when wood was solid men were men and women didn't have a voice now you got that home depot shit you know i should make as much as you kind of wood right so that's my big fear is that they're gonna take out that wood and replace it with the other shit so i've already put the kibosh on that and i'm like listen uh insurance peoples that's the

kind of wood that was there and that's the kind of wood that's going to be put down if i have to fucking scour the earth to find it if i have to go to detroit go into one of those abandoned fucking crack house beautiful hundred year old fucking houses and take the wood out myself i am uh i don't want to get into it it's fucking horrible my brother's coming out to visit you know he's visited me like 20 times in my career in the first fucking 16 i was sleeping on a futon the last three times i had a bed and a one bedroom apartment i finally have a fucking house right finally feeling like a success he's gonna come and the fucking fucking right i was joking this week on stage that the hole in the ceiling it looked like

just imagine if a grizzly bear's like parachute didn't open that was the size of the fucking hole and i don't know why i think grizzly bear i just remember seeing one fall out of a tree one time when they shot it with something you know a tranquilizer gun and uh just kind of came down was like a big ball of fur that's what it looks like maybe a maybe a black bear i'd say i don't know people you know the whole time i bought this fucking house the entire time i've been fixing this fucking thing and it's all been shit you can't see plumbing electrical i don't even know what else the fucking roof just shit you can't see and i was finally getting to the fun part shit you can see the floors right

shit you can show off to people when they come over finally get a room done and mother nature's like oh look at old billy boy he thinks he's got a nice house there let's let's let's do this oh hey the fucking hole in your ceiling how do you like that you like that oh you want some more you want some more there's a little fucking glass of water deal with that all the way down to your basement all right there you freckled cunt how do you like that so i've been absolutely uh i don't know hey you know it's um it's you know it's a typical story typical story man tries to do something takes two steps forward gets kicked in the balls and falls three steps backwards typical typical story never doubtedly there's going to be some comedy in this at some point

but i realize it's tragedy plus time and i'm still in the middle of the fucking tragedy oh you know what else is great because the walls are so old there's asbestos in them you know like one percent so now the people who are going to take the plaster down today are like well we're not ready to do that we don't have the proper filtration system so now they're out right they're looking at the shit downstairs they go we got a test for lead paint it's like it was made the 20s you know it has lead paint probably has 14 coats of it under fucking 36 that were painted on top of that so oh god i i just you know i swear to god i swear to god the first time i hate to say this the first time ever i was in my garage today and i just and i actually quietly said to myself

i hate this house ah jesus christ do you guys say that about your kids does that ever happen every time you try to make your kid a better fucking citizen and every time you think he fucking turned around the stupid fuck comes home you know got into a fight at school got caught with a 12 pack or something and just like i just wish i never had that one should have stopped at the other one or maybe skip this one i don't know anyways this is the money money podcast everybody and uh but you know something i am uh fucking i'll i'll say something positive in a second let's get into the uh advertising i gotta hype something for a good buddy of mine will silvince who was nice

enough um to be part of the um the group of comics that helped to honor patrice o'neill at the benefit we had and uh will was one of patrice's great friends and a roommate of his um god they lived together at least five six years so anyways will made some t-shirts we sold most of them at the benefit he still has some left and i know a lot of people wanted to be a part of the benefit and you also wanted to help out patrice's family um and well here's your opportunity to get some limited edition patrice o'neill t-shirts ones that are left uh you can go to www dot i'm better than you dot com and i'm better than you uh the arm there's no uh fucking what is an apostrophe whatever that thing is between the i and the m it's all one word all lowercase i'm better than you

and you is spelled just the letter you dot com will put the link up on uh the podcast page just knowing you buy those that they're limited edition and also you'll be given money to patrice's uh his mother and his family all right there you go so audible dot com every everybody every day everybody audible audible is the internet's leading provider of spoken audio entertainment information and educational program programming content from audible is downloaded and played back on personal computers cds or ipod players audible offers over 100,000 hours of audio programs from 270 content partners that include leading audio book publishers broadcasters entertainers magazines and newspaper publishers podcasters and business information

providers listen whenever and wherever you want just like the podcast you are listening to right now audible has over 1000 science and technology and over 1100 science fiction and fantasy titles with more being added all the time audible has over 100,000 titles to choose from every genre genre audible has it covered oh man i'm a moron get a free audiobook download when you sign up for a free trial today you know we should do that me maybe i'll be better reading out loud go to www dot audible podcast dot com slash bill to get your free audiobook today all right so there you go well here's here's the positive thing that i take out of um out of what happened to me oh here's one thing that you know you know

when your life is is messed up something bad is happening to you is people bring up the fact that you're you still have your health that's usually a good sign that something horrific happened to you but um actually seeing that story about that guy fucking dying in that sinkhole was one of the creepiest things i've ever seen in my life and i was like okay all right i'm sitting here crying about some wet floors and walls was i swallowed up by the earth you know so i don't know i guess that's my positive way of looking at it by them bringing that horrific image into your head the fuck is wrong with me um did i mention when i was in grand rapids michigan i had a waffle witch i did say that right what's a waffle witch you ask it's a sandwich made out of a waffle

with scrambled eggs and bacon and cheddar cheese in the middle of it and i still think i'm paying for it but i you know something it was delicious i gotta tell you i did enjoy that waffle witch um you know what i'm not even gonna fuck around i'm gonna write the emails here because this is something that's been bugging me said uh emails red is dead billy ready two shoes uh they said that by 2060 all red heads might be gone also the greeks believed red heads turned to vampires after they died thanks and good luck all right the key word and that is they say i guess that's words they say that by 2060s by 2060 all red heads might be gone do you realize how fucking dumb you have to be to believe that all red heads are gonna be gone by 2060 that's literally 47 years from

now i mean granted by 20 in 2060 i'm gonna turn 92 i'm an old fuck right now i'm 45 years old this year by 2060 i will be 92 years old but that's that's possible man if i keep eating waffle witches and having my house collapse on me i imagine that's gonna take a toll all right for all you fucking morons out there who hear that in a bar or read it on the internet and you just keep repeating without even thinking of what's coming out of your mouth how many little red-headed boys and girls have you seen go to the mall they're fucking two three years old you're telling me they're all going to be dead before they're 50 you dumb fucks this is so fucking dumb some asshole said it was a recessive gene and by the time it went around the bar we were all going to be dead in 20 minutes

and people are so fucking dumb and they just repeat what they hear that they come at you and they say dumb shit like that do you realize how many people have said that to me i mean at least this guy was smart enough to at least put it to 20 2060 i mean look if we're all going to be gone we're fucking taking you cunts with us because unless you guys just like if the next hitler comes along and he just really hates fucking redheads and starts to eat but even then there's going to be one of those shindler list guys who's going to make a list of his fucking redheads and we're going to survive right and then we'll have a museum of tolerance for fucking redheads and then the history channel will slowly stop showing holocaust stuff and try and balance it out

and show some redhead genocide you know and then there'll be some some uh steven uh reddy redberg will make some fucking movie and get a bunch of awards and then the howard stern of them will make the analogy like i tell you how to do it if you want to make a fucking win award is make some sad movie about the redhead genocide let me tell you fucking blondies you brownies you blackies all of you fuckers blackies that didn't sound good talking about hair oh jesus all right we're here to stay all right don't ever estimate i would estimate the fucking heart of a redhead okay that's why your hair is red that's that burning passion in us it's not the devil it's because we're better than you we're a select few you know what i mean you know what you guys are you

fucking blondes brunettes all you cunts you know what you guys are you're you like the fucking four tourists you go down the highway there's a fucking zillion of you every once in a while you see a testarosa all right a nice freckled one has that ever been done has anybody ever been had a fucking swagger about being a redhead um all right one last little advertisement here really quickly legal zoom dot com everybody it's national start your business month at legal zoom dot com okay i know i've been talking about this for more than a month but so many of you are starting businesses right now so legal zoom has decided to extend to extend it through march this unbelievable offer call it whatever you want just remember this is a great time to start your

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the referral box to check out start your business protect your family and safeguard your assets at legal zoom dot com today all right back to the podcast here yes so for the love of god can you people stop and just think you know all right you know what redheads any redheads out there listening just say to them just go like do you realize how fucking stupid you are right now huh oh whatever who gives a fuck i don't give a shit that's not my goddamn cause you know what i can i can guarantee you this right now i'm still gonna be around in 2060 and i'll be out there climbing that fucking rope and i'll have the last bit of lead painting asbestos out of my house and we'll see and then you guys will technically not ready anymore because all

your fucking hair fell out and the shit on the side of your head is is white and that might do me in then i'll be like ah bullshit and i'll fucking grab my chest clutch my little freckled heart and i'll keel over and you know what you know what you guys will do you'll fucking laugh because in your core you're a cunt all right hey bill okay i want a boyfriend here we go oh jeez here we go bill i want a boyfriend hey bill i know you're probably just read the subject and went all will drop your panties bitch now i would never do that that's if you said you wanted to get laid um so anyway she says that's not quite the case um i'm a guy oh the left turn the left turn i don't even need to read this

oh wait he's only a freshman i was gonna say how is a guy you not know how to get a boyfriend at this point half the sitcoms are based on gay guys at this point aren't they was that was that fucking statement as dumb as all redheads are gonna be dead by 2060 i don't care i got a hole in my fucking house he says i'm a guy i'm a freshman in high school and i like guys i'd consider myself i consider myself average pretty good at sports and decent with the ladies he said i'm still in the closet uh yo gay guys fucking slay it you guys fucking slay it you know if you wanted to if you wanted to i'm telling you you know what it is because you want i don't know i don't know what the fuck it is this you give a fuck about clothes the way they do well you want to watch the same

shit that's the thing about gay guys you guys want to do the same shit women want to do so hence you're around them and next thing you know you're dicks in their mouth if i could just keep if i could have just kept my fucking mouth shut you know during dirty dancing and ghost and all those things i would have done much better when i was a younger man but whatever this isn't about me this is about you let's plow ahead he goes i go to a public school and there aren't many gays well not as far as you know um i don't want some fabulous guy just another normal guy like me i like that you don't want him to be like sitcom gay walking in a room going oh my god love it are there any gay guys like that at this point um anyways what advice could you give someone in my position maybe your lovely

girlfriend has an opinion thanks bill i love the podcast and go fuck yourself you know what i might even call me in for this one hang on a second let me put this fucking thing on pause all right the lovely knee everybody can you just close the door by the way there's a fucking because the goddamn fan trying to dry out the walls come over here we only have one microphone our shit is all over the place so i don't even know where the hell the other microphone is all right all right so here's the deal i feel like we're singing back up for somebody right now um this dude wants a boyfriend he's a freshman in high school uh he's still in the closet slaying it with the ladies he doesn't want some fabulous guy he just wants another

normal guy like himself he said what advice could you give someone in his position maybe your lovely girlfriend has an opinion thanks bill love the podcast oh and go fuck yourself so he's in the closet but you want to meet a guy jesus christ what did i just say what did he just say i know but i'm trying to like take in the situation i mean first of all i feel like if you've been drinking you have wine on your breath yeah i was drinking champagne in the other room it's four o'clock in the afternoon um i think i mean i first of all i think you should maybe not necessarily come out of the closet to everyone but you have to sort of go where the gays go and i don't mean just bars and stuff but there are certain like restaurants and like areas that are you know heavily populated

you're given like a power point a power point like presentation and like and you have to go where the gays go you should just written that down on a chalkboard thing is i think it's a little bit problematic that you're still in the closet you are free to come out whenever you want to you shouldn't have time out time out time out but i'm saying when you're when you're out of the closet it makes it easier for you to meet other people and get into a whole little groove and you meet people and they invite you places here there and everywhere and that's how you start to meet people but if you're still quiet no no you can't but when you're still in the closet there's going to be that secretiveness and that sort of sneaking around and hiding and ducking in corners and you start

getting into situations that you don't want to be in as a closet a gay person because i feel like any gay person who's lived their life in the closet trying to date secretly will tell you no we'll tell you that it could lead to not so good situations so i feel like you should probably come out in a way or at least just start hanging out with other gay people i'm gonna have to start up in an orchestra start playing when your answer goes on if you want me on here to answer questions i'm gonna answer them the way i answer them i don't need you to tell me when i don't need anybody telling me how to answer them snap snap snap ask me to come in here if you're just gonna like micromanage how i answer the question what is wrong with you you know you're an angry drunk

i'm not drunk a couple of glasses of champagne you turn it to an asshole i'm not i don't think you should come out not as a freshman for fuck sakes people are such assholes you know what i mean i think you should just i think you should go find some other college he's a freshman in high school oh and high school you know fucking just ride it out find some other gay kids hang out with them play baseball down at the uh the gay baseball park and uh when you know once you become a you kick what you you know what you need to do you got to leave your fucking town behind then you move to a city does your high school not have to a city let me finish my ignorance you don't have to a city they'll have the the gay part of town and it's gonna be over asking is

because a lot of high schools have abs a lot shut up a lot of more progressive high schools they'll have like an lgbt you know club or something like that this he obviously doesn't have that already we'd fucking join it he went he's going to a high school like i went to a high school you know get back on d right it's a fucking meathead school that's what's going on with him those morons aren't going to understand him why why go through extra fucking pain the great thing is he knows who he is and he knows the direction he's going you're gonna be fine uh i would say try and stand shape because you are trying to appeal to a bunch of guys and we're all fucking uh you know i just don't want him to start trolling around online getting sucked into some seedy

situations where older guys are going to take advantage of himself because he's young in the closet and he's very you know he doesn't quite know what to do i just i'm worried that he's going to get sucked into that type of shit as opposed to trying to find peers where you're all sort of going through it together that's why i was encouraging to come out of the closet or to release maybe start affiliating if you're if your high school has one of those lgbt clubs or whatever you know that way you you feel less alone so you're less likely to like i say go online and get sucked into some weird headstrip sexual abuse situation because there's nothing like an older predator no that an older predator will love more than a young confused i'm still in the

closet wait a minute now not so you're saying older gay guys are predators i'm saying there are older people who will prey on a young young well listen 50 year old guys will try and bang an 18 year old chick so why would why would somebody say we're all pieces of shit what kind of hatred are you spewing i'm just saying i want to bring the world together he's in a very precarious situation and if you start going down that road where you're just sneaking around so much you can get caught up into some bad shit and i don't want some older guys saying oh that shit he's getting blown by fucking chicks this guy's killing it's like he's hitting from both sides of the plate so are you buying no he's still in the closet but he's killing it with the ladies well you need to stop that right now i don't

know he doesn't good for him it's just gonna be another chapter in the book i think you're gonna be fine sir the news podcast it's on its way everyone on twitter i know you guys have been asking me for weeks what's going on with the podcast what's happening is i'm also rebuilding are you fighting with your record label what's going on why is this project keep being delayed i'm rebuilding my website right now and it's got my films on it's got some writing that's your podcast room is underwater my podcast room is underwater my sanctuary is destroyed but that's why it's taking so long so bear with me you guys but um you should do you should do a podcast underwater in a flooded room just like kanye west he had a busted jaw he still went in the studio

where are you going all right all right all right well listen we were just fucking around there i think the great thing is that you already know who you are so you're gonna end up where you want to be um that age is really isn't it easy for for anybody but uh i will tell you this all of all the fucking bullshit she said she's right about those creepy old gay guys looking for a young confused young man out there you know you're better than that all right you gotta have some standard no white chest hair beaded old pubes all righty plowing ahead what do we got here dilemma hey bill would you rather be permanently invisible under the condition that inanimate objects you've touched also become invisible jesus christ or would you want to be able to shape shift into anyone or

anything in the world but you have to stay that way for 24 hours oh without a doubt shape shift i mean how lonely would it be if i was invisible and everything i touched became invisible i wouldn't want to do that you know would i want to do that how could i bring down these fucking international bankers if i was invisible then i could make inanimate shit invisible well that's what i do i touch a bunch of guns and give them to the regular people and have them go down to one of those fucking devil's islands meetings um no i wouldn't do that no i'd be a shape shifter now the real question is who would you shape shift into troy ekman you know i'd commentate a game right out of the bat you know right out of the gate to see if people could notice i have i have

some of those gloves that he has you know those i'm an adult guy gloves now the one's damn marina used to sell i got one of those long it's wintertime coats and sometimes i wear a suit you know kind of coats i could stand there with fucking ear muffs on um what would i sound like him who would i shape shift into that's a fucking weird one oh i you know what i couldn't handle that power because then basically if you could shape shift all you'd have to do is shape shift into any girl you ever wanted to fuck whoever she's fucking you just shape shift into that person you just come walking through the door hello you know with some flowers oh my god i'd be the first person brought now what kind of rape would that be

the shape shift and rapist you know and then they'd have to somehow how would they stop me from shape shifting myself into the foreman of the jury to say we the jury find old billy rapist red face not guilty on all charges oh my god to that big a.k.c christ um although being a shape shifter although being a shape shifter would be great man you could freak the fucking world out you know it'd be great if some like huge leader of the world was was given a speech and you somehow got behind them and we're also on tv jumping up and down you know like somebody who painted that face except you look just like the guy giving the speech you know oh that could be endless fucking fun how would i handle shape shifting oh Jesus there'd be a lot of conversations with the higher power

with that one you know like when you drink and then you get sick and like oh god i swear to god i'm never gonna do that again just let me get through this i swear to god and we're gonna clean up my fucking act like what do you say to god after you just shape shifted into your neighbor and just shape shifted into your neighbor and fucked his wife god if you can find it in your heart i mean technically you know she doesn't know she's none the wiser and uh i know it was wrong and uh i'll say i'll blame hail mary's i promise i i will not shape shift into anybody today that's all i mean i i you know something that's one of the things when after i died and god's giving me that you go into hell

look now i'm just gonna be like dude i mean come on i could shape shift all right half the people on earth can't even handle becoming a bouncer without being a douche i could shape shift what'd you think i was going to turn into fucking ronald mcdonald and push some kid on a swing all right there was some hotties that lived on my block and uh some other guys got to him before i did and i should have been man enough to accept that but you know i had this uh get out of jail free card so i shape shifted into him when they were uh away on business and i would just come home surprised home a day early and then i fucked him and then i left and then i let her deal with the weirdness the next day when her husband came home when he came home a day later

hey hello home how are you what do you mean you're home where where were you you know i thought you were just in the bedroom and then he's like what what the fuck's going on jesus christ you know something i thought they had made every porno that you could make this that's a whole new shape shift and porn shape shifting porn discovered right here on the monday morning podcast um all right what the fuck else am i that's all the emails i had this week that's all i got for fuck's sakes you know what you know something you know what he's even worse i didn't watch any fucking hockey this week i watched nothing i didn't even get to enjoy the fucking boston bruins winning three to nothing sean thorton beating the shit out of that

fucking ronaldo guy what the hell his name is i missed all of that i missed all of that because i was i was on the road again you know it was a great gig too i did the uh fountain street church for laugh fest out in uh grand rapids michigan and what was phenomenal about that was uh i got to perform in a church i got to go up on the pulpit give a little speech i had a great time you know it was amazing it reminded me of old tiger stadium um because old tiger stadium was one of the few stadiums that was the only stadium major league that had an upper deck that went all the way around and this church had an upper deck that went all the way around the church from one side of the altar all the way to the other and then the altar was up there and uh i don't

know maybe feel like i was in an old ballpark all right let me see here oh okay okay here we go ah you know what i'm doing right now i'm trying to i'm like so i can fill out the rest of this podcast i'm looking for uh i'm looking for emails this isn't good this isn't good to be doing on a live podcast somebody's texted me you think bonham is good could he do this in six inch in a in a six inch stiletto all right oh shealy yes shealy e kills it i still think i still think bonham's better than shealy e come on you know plus john bonham was he was sort of a fashionista he used to wear those silly little boots all the time he could still fucking he could still kill it what is with everybody always trying to fucking while i guess he's the benchmark right

um although shealy is the shit all right here we go i found an email i'm just gonna start randomly reading these right now hey bill i'm an avid fan of your podcast as i listen to it every monday with my chemistry tuta who is now a fan of yours as well well jesus you guys aren't getting anything done are you um i have a question to ask and forgive me if i give you a history lesson but this is something i want to get off my chest holy fuck is this a long oh come on people try not to get things off your chest you know how bad i read all right let's give it a shot you know what the first thing i'm gonna do i'm gonna make it larger all right it's kind of personal for me but you as a man might understand and i'm not saying a woman wouldn't understand

better because she probably would never understand at all my problem i am a loner and i have always been i relate to that sir 100 percent we are on the same page i never made any friends as a kid and i was abandoned by everyone i knew all right now you just went into the fucking now you sound like you're in um yeah what is it hands christian anderson what's the name of that guy who wrote a not toy story what the fuck is it called their uh christmas story christmas carol something christian christian leitner and i came her fucking thing um ghost of christmas past part two anyways i don't know anything about my family members because their name besides their name and job title over the years i started to hate everybody i came into contact with every person

i met i'd be condescending towards and i was indifferent towards everyone i met a few years ago i had this girl try and become my friend which is weird because since i keep to myself and nobody bothers me but all of a sudden this girl comes up to me and starts asking about who i am i of course tell her to fuck off jesus christ dude because i tell her to fuck off and i'm cold and indifferent you're not indifferent you have a definite feeling towards her fuck off uh she wrote the same bus i wrote and she tried to make conversation with me a lot but still i was just telling her to fuck off but not in those exact words oh okay all right but uh i told her to go talk to someone who cares dude how old are you every time i looked at her she always smiled

at me the smile was the most amazing smile i've ever seen in my life if a smile was a super yeah you fucking had a crush on her if a smile was a superpower it'd be hers and i couldn't help but melt a bit every time i saw her smile ah jesus christ dude what's going on here a few years ago i got into every i got everyone in the school coming up to up to me asking who i was oh a few years later it turns out that she was asking everybody about me for two years and nobody could tell her anything about me so now she has gotten the whole school interested in me and finding out who i am dude is this like a fantasy or did this this really happen do you wear like a leather jacket and ride a motorcycle um they never learned anything about me now that i am in college i'm

starting to see her everywhere dude can you just fuck this girl or take her out for a malt already come on man this is a critical part of your life you're young this girl you're still you're drafting in the first round you don't want to wait too long you wait too long to fucking find a mate all of a sudden you know you're trying to find some fucking once in a lifetime six round pick you know like a tom brady it's not out there um he goes why anyways when we actually meet it's awkward and she just stares at me uncomfortably then runs away i don't know why this happens to me whenever i think i see what i don't know why this happens to me whenever i think i see here or actually run into her is there something wrong with me why am i going through this weird

bouts of fight or flight mode dude because you were fucking abandoned by everyone around you which hurt you as a kid so now you're trying to fucking wall yourself off you should fucking talk to that girl just tell us say listen you gotta understand i'm a psycho i didn't have anybody in my life i don't know how to do this but when you smile at me i almost fall out of my chair can can can you handle the fact that i'm socially a little far behind my peers and with that would you like to go see a movie okay and then every time you feel like sabotaging it just i don't know i don't know dude that's that's you're gonna have to undo like 20 years of shit it sounds like i don't know if you can do if you can do this uh

you know in one week you know like those dumb doctor phil shows you need to come out of your shell and everybody claps and then you go and like the guy's supposed to be fixed it's gonna take a while but dude you know something you should definitely go after this girl if you're feeling stuff like that you should definitely do it and uh she sounds like she's you know socially uncomfortable too so you know you can help her she can help you both you guys you get a little more outgoing next you know you might you might have something there and if not at the very least going through that experience with her will give you a couple at bat so when the right one comes along you'll know what to do all right there you go good luck to you sir um all right what are we up to here

ah 49 minutes it's fucking drag and i'm sorry guys this is why i never do podcasts when i fly i stink i i never should do podcasts when i fly out i come home and there's a fucking hole in my ceiling all right is that bad oh here's one hey bill you're being ripped off there's a video out there called stake in a bj day no you know what i ripped them off i actually read about it and i forgot i read about it and i said that this should be staking a blowjob day this right there is why i don't watch other comedians acts because shit just flies in your head throughout the course of years and years and years then all of a sudden somebody asks the question you give the answer and you think it's yours and it's not um stake in a blowjob day i did not come up with that somebody

else came up with that so i am not i am not offended this is like you guys listening to me just read my junk mail isn't that what's going on right now can somebody please explain to me how the fucking Montreal canadiens are in first place how do those cunts suck and they're still good you just at this point you just have to give it up to that franchise they're just a good fucking franchise but you know something the fucking pittsburgh penguins pittsburgh penguins all of a sudden they're coming on you know what but those motherfuckers those motherfuckers they always they like every time they went from mariela mule then they got yarmiel jarger right then they had a little bit of a lull there then they got old rosy red lips and they get gino

and then they also had fucking uh what's his face that they just traded to the hurricanes i can't think of anybody's fucking name and then you think like okay that's it it's over right how many fucking times they like the fucking hockey version of the new york yankees from the 1920s to the 50s where it was ruth garreg to demagio to mantel that's what they're doing in hockey i don't know this is my thing as long as the montreal canadians continue to suffer in the curse of patrick war you know and they know it's a curse that's why they try to make friends with them again because they realized after they booed him out of the city that he went to fucking colorado and started winning them and they're like we don't need him oh we are ze material

ze real blue block a rouge right they didn't give a fuck now they give a fuck now all of a sudden they're asking them hey you know we're kind of uh you know we're a little sorry it's fucking phenomenal and every year that goes by more month old montreal canadian fans die and less of them know what it's like to win a cup and i'm gonna tell you i fucking love it you know what i love about montreal canadian fans you know what they say to me now they bring up gila floor that's how far in the past that's how far in the past anything great happening between them and the bruins are they go fucking ape shit when they beat us now in the regular season you understand they owned us

gila floor fuck gila floor scored that goal before i even watched my first fucking hockey game i don't know how old you people think i am that was like the late 70s i was too busy recovering from being hit by a car i didn't have to recover i got two days off from school i do remember that happened on a wednesday and the guy said all right you know what you didn't you shouldn't go to school thursday friday and i was fucking psyched going for once i don't have to fake sick and i sat there and i watched cartoons and i ate with a little spoon ate with a little spoon because the bumper hit me right on the side of the head i've done this before in the podcast put two fingers right on the side of your head right

and then bite down on your molars your back teeth there you feel that thing that goes in and out that's right where i got hit so it hurt to chew so i had to eat with a little spoon for two days and i couldn't go to school one of the greatest things ever happened to me this is cj7 i believe um big fucking guy getting out of it oh my god i hit him i hit him oh my god i totally fucking drove right into the guy i didn't look i thought i looked here's another guy saying steak in a bj day uh um is spreading this had nothing to do with me had nothing to do nothing it's not mine it's somebody else's all right here we go last thing i'm going to read and that's going to mercifully be the end of this uh podcast bill thought this might interest you it's an article

about divorce this guy's an illustrator tough road to hoe um i am two three years and still no settlement and the guy's broke as a result and has stopped producing work in hopes that the parasitic x will give in once there's no cash flow oh and the guy is prodigiously good as a painter yeah you know i think i actually have faith in some of these divorce settlements that um i think in the near future there's going to be way more way more light shined on these things and uh eventually it's it's gonna it's gonna come around you know can't that be a uh i just i don't get that that shit where you can just it's it's just to one side of where

the one person could just live off the other person i've talked about all this shit a zillion fucking times haven't i you know that whole shit where uh the woman starts dating a new guy but she won't let the guy move in because her last guy made more money so then the two of them just sit there living off the fucking first guy you know you don't think that's fucked up well i do um all right you know what people i tried i tried you know i did my best i tried tried to do a podcast i think that's it sinkholes water damage hockey small towns eating like a cunt yeah i gotta stop doing that guys i've really let myself fucking uh it's weird i look good with a shirt on but with a shirt off it's not a uh it's not a good thing like my chest is 35 but my fucking now who the

fuck is this this is gonna be another guy telling me and i got asbestos all right all right there's only gonna be 55 minutes this week people i apologize i'll give me an update next week you know what i owe you guys five minutes and you will get those five minutes next week okay that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves um i'll talk to you next week um um you you

you you you you you you