Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-18-21

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

Bill rambles with Dean Edwards about his new special, grudges, and uptown rooms.

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Fucking with you. We have a guest on today. And this is a man that I have known. Jesus Christ. I think at least 20 years. One of my favorite people out there in the New York Comedy Circuit. Is that what they call it? He's got a new special out. Not a new special. He's got a... I knew I was going to fuck that up. He's on the new Tiffany Haddish Presents Day Ready Season 2 Episode 6. The amazing Dean Edwards. Bar. What up, son? What's going on? Look at you. Look at you. You look great. Thanks, bro. Thanks.

You're expressing me. You got a better microphone, the windscreen. Listen, look, Andrew and I just went through this. I just... I booked because I'm a... A lot of people don't know I'm Eddie Murphy's vocal double for all things donkey. And I just booked something. Please do a little Eddie for me. Well, you know, you have to understand, you know, a lot of people are really familiar with Eddie, you know, and Eddie pre-Shrek, pre-Clumps in the whole nine. But Eddie was a brilliant stand-up, man. And what he's doing now, you know, he's not available for everything that DreamWorks has regarding all things donkey. So when it comes to donkey, they said, you know what? I worked on Shrek the Musical for about two years and then got fired right before we went to Broadway, which was fine.

Because Jeffrey Katzenberg said, you know what? I went, I went Dean. I went Dean to be the voice when Eddie can't do it. And so it's been like a nice 13, 14 year run, man. And they just, we just... No way. Yeah, yeah, man. And so we just did something for Universal Beijing, you know, and yes, it's just... And I told my agent what my agent said to me about a year ago, you know, everything's remote now. So you got to invest in new mic equipment. I was like, whatever. But then when I did this two weeks ago, I said, let me, let me go ahead and invest. And sure enough, that like two days later, I booked another commercial thing.

So I needed this at home as opposed to running through my, look through the beats by Drain Joint, you know. No, but how great is it now? You know, the upside of the pandemic, there's a lot of stuff in this business where it's like, you know, one of the advantages of the pandemic for people like us is this whole new way, and a lot of people, I guess, this whole new way where you don't have to leave. Oh, dude. You can just do it like back in the day, I imagine before the pandemic, you had to probably go into, you know, into New York City. Yeah. Kind of sit down, hi, Dean, would you like a water? Yeah.

We have little bags of Fritos over there. Take the Fritos. Always took extra snacks. Yeah. Sorry, we're running a little bit late. So was late. That's another thing too. Like they're late.

So now you're late. Right. Your shit gets pushed back. So that's that's pretty cool, man. Yeah. No, dude, it's been awesome. I actually have everything, anything I've booked over over this has pretty much just been, I've booked commercials through my phone where I just, you know, I recorded on my, on my phone. And sent in the file MP3.

And they were like, yeah, that and, and there have been some instances where I had to go in. And then there have been others where, you know, something like this, the thing I did, the commercial I did last week, just passed in there's a, there's a site called source connect. And they pretty much just as the ISD and connection so that people that are in Manhattan connect with the people with the Chicago and myself, and they can direct me and hear me clearly. So yes, it's, I'm thinking like when this stuff ends, which it seems like it's going to end soon. Yeah. Is that office space. People are really going to be looking like, wait a minute, I can just, you know, we can just, you know, these corporate guys to be like, well,

why do we need a studio? We'll just have the artists by their own studio. Then we don't have to even buy microphones. All they need is one guy in some central thing with the mixer. How the hell they do it? I don't know, making rents, rents might finally go down in Manhattan because they'll have to open up all of that space. The rent has rent went down in Manhattan, but went up in Brooklyn. So, you know, that was the trade off.

People, I always say, because we lucked out, I bought my house before Sex in the City made Brooklyn sexy to the rest of America. Like, you know, people that lived in Brooklyn. I thought that was still, I thought it was all about Manhattan to like the late 2000s. Nah, man. Well, I think people slowly came around, but I think that was the, I always say Sex in the City. Sex in the City is when people started looking. Specifically, you saw like white people that lived in Manhattan that were like, no, no one goes to Brooklyn. And then eventually after, after, I don't know, Miranda, whomever, whatever, Sex in the City women, once they, once they came to Brooklyn.

Dude, if you saw a downtown Brooklyn night right now, you would. No, I saw it. I saw it. God, I was in 2017. I was over there. I was doing an episode of crashing. Okay. And I was with my father-in-law and he worked for Atlantic Records in like.

Ben. Yeah, Ben. He worked for Benny Hill. He worked for Atlantic Records in the late 70s. Oh, wow. Early 80s. He went on the road with like Parliament. He was on a boat going around Manhattan with like AC DC.

Oh, wow. That's dope. Power Rage album. Yeah, and the boat got stuck. He's got all these great stories. But he was standing on, you know, basically near the bridge, Brooklyn Bridge. And he was just sort of looking at the boat taxis. Like, I mean, it was like looking at like, sometimes when you see like downtown Tokyo,

all the lights, he goes, wow, this is just like, they turned this all into Disneyland. And they really, they really did. Cause I remember a long time ago, you know, I used to do a lot of gigs and stuff out in Brooklyn. And it was like, you just went over the bridge and it was like, they cut the electricity off. It's immediately dark. And you just felt like, man, I gotta, I gotta get my head on up.

Yeah. Yeah. Flatbush Avenue was, was, was, was seedy. There was a, there was a strip spot. There was a strip club called 243. That was right across the Manhattan Bridge. As you got onto Flatbush Avenue. And I remember cause, cause Todd live, rest in peace.

Todd was like, hey man, hey man, Tracy Morgan, he put us onto this new club downtown and Tracy was like, yo, Dean, yo, you gotta go to 243, but don't wear no sweats. You can't wear any sweats. You go, you go in there, you gotta let it all hang. So they feel what you're packing. And now that place is condos. Now the location where the strip club was. Poke knockers.

I used to do knockers with poke knock, poke knockers, whatever it was. And right next door, there was a white castle, which I loved. And you would go in there and there was like bulletproof glass. Yeah. Tratch graffiti. And it just looked like a dirty fish tank. And there'd be people in there and you'd be yelling on the window. No, give me six.

Yo, I won't. Yo, add extra pickles to my, my, my white castle. Yeah, man. And you know what they're like eating there. It was fucking filthy. Oh yeah. And everything just had like those metal things that were pulled down. It was like, uh, the hell was that Clint Eastwood movie where he drove the bus that he had

all the metal shit. That's just what it reminded me of. And you know, I left New York in like, uh, oh, seven. And when I came back, I couldn't, I couldn't believe it. I mean, Brooklyn is like, amazing. But I know white people always get shit for coming in, but those are actually the white people that got squeezed out. They didn't want to leave.

Yeah. No, no. Ford really white shit. Right. They come in and everybody, I got a dirty look the other day. I, I, uh, live out here in LA and, uh, I got an old pickup truck and, uh, I had this guy was fixing it up and it was in this Latino neighborhood that was just starting to switch over.

Uh-oh. And you, you could just see it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous how segregated economically people are. Yeah. You see like all these like, you know, classic like LA houses and then you just see one with like a fuchsia door and flowers and the thing like, all right, the white person moved in there. It's likely.

And there was a place over there. It was a bread place and had a really like fucking pun name. Right. Right. Just what you needed. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Yeah.

Yeah. And I remember standing there going, oh, this would be a good place to take my wife. And as I did it, this old, a Latino guy drove by with his family looking at us like, I don't know about that. And I was just like, all right, this is starting to change over. This is not a, so I hate seeing that shit, but tell me about like what you, when did you shoot this thing? And obviously the, the, the Tiffany Haddish presents thing.

Episode six is they ready. I got the whole thing that that was something that was shot before or during the pandemic. No, dude, we shot it during Tiffany. Yeah. Tiffany called me. You're going to like the story and where we shot is going to blow your mind because you're a comedy nut, like I'm a comedy nut. Yeah.

She calls me mid August and she's like, she's like, Dean, you ready? I'm like, well, for what? And she's like, she's like, we're shooting season two first week in October, October second and third. So get ready. I was like, boom. So, so, and I only, I hadn't been on stage since March 15th, like everybody else. I hadn't, I hadn't done any zoom shows.

I did like one thing on IG live, which was fun. Shout out to my Lisa Deek, but I just, it's too precious. And I was, I didn't feel, it felt weird, you know, sitting in front of your, your computers, but my first date was at ACME in the first weekend of September, a great club in Minneapolis. I'm sure you know. And I got passed there. Really? Really?

Dude, dude. I went there and I did this too. They, when I, when I tried to get in there, man, they just had beasts. It was like the early 2000s and it was like, you know, Dana Gould, Margaret Show. Okay. What's his face? Bob Odenkirk would play there, David Cross. Okay.

Mark Marin, it was, it was Patton Allswhite. It was really like, like Patton probably was one of the newer guys at that time. Right. And he definitely leaned Alt. Right. And I came in there with my Greenwich Village horse shit. With the, with the lean, they were like, why are they, why are these guys from New York leaning on their microphones?

Yeah. It's cause we walk everywhere. We're tired. Right. Exactly. So I always wanted to play there and it never, it never quite worked out. And I got a kick out of one time I saw a female comic who didn't get in and she was bitching, saying it was like sexism or something like that.

And I'm going to be like, you know, just to put your vagina at ease here, that's a really difficult club to get into. Yeah. Yeah. No, anyway, so you, you, you did a weekend out there. So I, so I had that weekend lined up and then I just, I hit my agent and said, listen, man, we have this thing coming up. I need, I need micro microphone time.

I need my reps. And so they lined up some of that, uh, the comedy connection to Rhode Island and, uh, and healing. You see the green rooms in the bank vault, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that club.

That's my first time playing that club. And that club is great. It used to be brutal. When I first came up, the sound was so they couldn't cause the bank with the high so high. Right. Oh yeah. Oh, I had some eyes. Oh, I had some rough ones in there.

Weekends to get ready for TV and, and the helium in, uh, in Indianapolis was, was the weekend before we shot. Uh, and with what I, the, the most of the material I was fine with, but I had this whole, this my last six minutes was this whole sort of a DC Bennett, Benny called it a crescendo of impressions where I just, I had this whole scene drawn out and I needed to run that. And I was able to get it, you know, cause we, we all used to tape our sets, right? Like Ian gets on me all the time.

He's like, yo, how come everything we used to do when we first started, we stopped doing when that's what made it. And I was like, cause we started making money. Ian, I gotta, I gotta do re in one, one sentence. I don't want to be rude. That's it. I don't be rude. What do you, what do you like when he's, he's set something up right up the scenario and

then just be like, I don't want to be rude. And then immediately the crowds just like, Oh shit, what's he going to say? Anyway, that's the passive aggressive Jamaican English, uh, seeping out of him that he can't hold back his tongue. Um, so I, I worked it out, man, recorded my sets and I was going back to the hotel and listening to everything, man. And, uh, and we, we had to fly out this, we shot Friday and Saturday. So I flew out the Sunday after my weekend in India, Indianapolis and just sat in the

hotel room for three or four days before they had to give us our COVID tests. And then actually I did, you know what I did? Um, you guys think the old things comedy in crowd. Uh, yeah. Yeah. And Glendale, I think that was my last set before I shot. And so, uh, Godfrey was on it as well and, uh, went out of night because I just wanted to get a feel for LA, right?

And, um, and then we shot. We shot at, uh, we shot the same place that Richard Pryor shot, uh, in Long Beach, Long Beach, Terrace Theater. Terrace Theater. Yeah, I played there. Yeah. I played it specifically because of that. And it took me like an hour to figure out how to get in it.

You can't, you can't see it. And like, even like the Google map thing couldn't figure out. Right. Right. We shot that one there. And then the live on sunset strip was the, uh, the one right there on like, uh, Argyle and sunset. Yeah.

The Palladium. The Palladium. The Palladium. I can't wait for all of that stuff to come back. So anyway. Dude. You're going to do your set. Like how did, uh, how did it go?

Were you extra nervous? Like, fuck. I'm not a nervous dude, but this was the first time in a long time that I felt, that I felt super anxious because, uh, that we taped two nights. And so on Friday night, um, I was the first comic, right? So I was like, damn, I'm the sacrificial lamb. Um, and you know, we go out and the audience is masked. The audience is masked.

Um, there's socially distanced and we're shooting out outside. So what, um, Paige Hurwitz and, and, and push it productions. They built a stage in the front of the theater. So we only, we did like the talk back. We did, uh, episode seven of they ready is me, Tony Woods, Godfrey, Barbara Carlisle, Kim Clark, Aaron Jackson, Tiffany sitting on stage inside just all sort of talks, just, you know, doing what we do, like trading stories and whatnot. But then outside is the stage I go on first and, uh, maybe seven minutes in.

I, as I go to hit a punchline, a loud motorcycle rolls by. And I'm like, I gotta make this. So I trudge on. And then another one goes by and then stage right. One of the spotlights goes out. It's nighttime. So I'm dark. So I said, so I pivoted and said something quickly.

They got a laugh and just aimed it to stage left. And I think Godfrey had to help two helicopters go by while he was on, but it's funny. I really believe that stuff happens almost every set. You just don't notice or care. Right. Right. Yeah.

Did you riff about the motorcycle or are you just like, I trudged do the motorcycles. I had to riff about the light man. Cause at that point I was like, well, this is a bust. The second you used the word trudged the second time. I'm like, all right, Dean didn't like his set. No, no, I was, I was pissed. I was because also I was first and then what makes you feel a little better is everybody had something happened during this set.

So you're like, okay, so I'm not just, it's not just me. I don't suck. It's just the situation. Right. The flip side Saturday happens. I think it was great. Similar to how when prior did a live on the sunset strip and the first night sucked. Right.

But that second night he came out and blazed a man. And so night number two, everybody was on their A game. Godfrey went on first instead of last. He crushed it and everybody just sort of ran, ran the, uh, actually a great person to put on first cause he has all that experience all those years hosting at the seller. Yeah. Yeah.

So he knows how to get him going. So he used to have to start him from a dead stop. So if there was already a host, Tiffany getting him going. Right. Right. He can take it to the, to the next level. Yeah. You know, I hadn't heard that story.

Um, they actually had about Richard prior bombing the first night. They actually have a framed picture of the article, the review. Really? The whole weekend. And then Richards was saying how he went out there and for whatever reason, the first night he did his act backwards. Oh. With the, he, I think he had like a patrice thing.

He had to kind of go down first before he went back up. Oh, to make it a little. Yeah. It was like, like there was something about like, Hey man, the crowd's warmed up and it's going to be great. Something like that. Yeah.

Certain comics, it makes them want to ruin it. Yeah. So it's like, you know, kind of awful. And then like the pressure's bad gone then at that. I used to have a thing where the only time I would get nervous if somebody said it was a great crowd, you're going to kill. That would make me nervous. But if they said they were awful and they were terrible, I would relax because it's just

like, well, they're terrible. There's no pressure for me to do well. And then I would go on stage and I would do well. And I would actually do worse in front of crowds that wanted to laugh. Like this really frustrating three year period of my career where I would, I would get, I would get so fucking nervous standing on the other side of that, particularly Saturday nights at the comic strip. The first club I had passed out in New York when, you know, that place was just like

so alive. Yeah. It was some kid up there. I can't remember his name. They say, oh, you got to go on after him. You know, I still hate when people do because people also have done this. So well, now, now we're all, you know, vets and so it's no biggie, but nobody wants to

hear that. Nobody wants to hear, are you going to follow a rich boss or whomever? But I didn't know back then that that was them projecting their own bullshit. Right. Right. It's like, oh, you're afraid of going up this guy. I don't even know this guy. I just got here.

Right. But now that you said that, now that just went into my head like, oh, this guy's hard to follow. Right. He wasn't. No, but you know, I remember the. He was he had like a cutesy, you know, I'm not going to get into it. You'll know who this he had after we hang up.

I would know, but he probably had some, some his, his signature bit that everybody knew. And that was his, that was his, oh, you don't want to follow that bit. You know, what's funny about that guy is years later, you know, like when somebody gives you that, that, that compliment, that's really just a pat on the head and they're still putting themselves. Yeah. Yeah. I got some bullshit gig.

And he goes, oh, yeah, I heard you got that. I heard you got that thing. I said, oh, yeah, I did. He goes, oh, congratulations. He's like, yeah, that's good for you. They said, that's good for you. I, you know, me, German, Irish, I never forgot it. Of course.

The fuck did I say you were one of my heroes? The fuck did I say I needed a pat on the head from you? You fucking hack. Goo Goo Gaga bullshit. Oh, no, I hate it. Dude, I'm talking, this was like 20 years ago, not 20 by 15. And I don't ever think about it, but if the name comes up and the face comes up, I literally say every single time what I wanted to say in that moment.

Right. Of course. But you know, it's funny because we always remember, I, you know, who remembers especially Nia Nia remembers everybody who did you wrong because she was the cushion that you'd go because my wife does the same thing. Like people, they're people. I forgot that I had a grudge or I was pissed off at people and the wives don't forget it. Any of it because they were with us through that whole.

Such an asshole. My wife usually roots for the other person. You know, I think he might have a point. And I'd be like, why do you always take this side? Cause you're an asshole. All right. Well, not always. No, I had a, I'm reading this book right now called the verbally abusive relationship.

And I thought the whole time I was going to read it, I was going to be like, yeah, that's you. And that's fucking you. And I was reading like, oh shit, I do that. Well, there's another thing that looks pretty familiar. That was her Christmas gift to you. No, another comic told me to buy it. Oh, that's funny.

And he's, but you should buy it, man. Because we were just, we were doing a gig together. We were just talking about childhoods. It's like, Jesus Christ, dude, you have the exact same childhood I do. I read this book. It really helped me out. And I read the book. It's really like helping me out.

I had to push through because it was written a long time ago. So it was sort of like, it's just all geared to women getting verbally abused. And there's no sort of dynamic that that can go the other way. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So I'm just like, oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. So it's us, right?

That was me for like the first 40 pages. I'm not getting anything out of this book because I'm getting mad at the author. Right. And then so after page 40, that was sort of the breakthrough. Like I had to kind of go back and reread it and be like, all right, that was me. Going like, all right, I've done a lot. I don't do like the people in my life when I grew up, it was, you know, 24 seven. 100% for the most part.

For me, it was just like when I would lose my temper. And then afterwards she would call me on it. And I would just be like, you know, defending flipping out. Right. And like, you know, it's funny. It's like, this is how bad I am. Like she does preemptive shit. This is why I'm like trying to finally fix this.

Like the way I worked on comedy. I got, I really have to work on this. She was supposed to go get the vaccine because they opened it up to people in show in show business, entertainer, right in front of a crowd. You're pulling a crowd in, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, hopefully, you know. Right. So we call us and my wife goes, Hey, man, we got this thing up in Northridge, which is way out in the valley all the way up top up with a fucking Manson family ranch.

Right. And we're up there off the fucking 118. So she's just like, all right, so just to let you know, so I said, Oh, we can get it. Great. Cool. Four o'clock. Got it. I'll be there for 40.

Whatever. I'll be there. So she goes, all right, but just to let you know, there is an outside chance that they might turn us away. And I'm like, I gotta, I gotta turn us away. She goes, well, if they do, sometimes they have some extra ones laying around and they'll give you that. I go, all right, cool.

And then she just kept saying that we weren't going to get it. And then it just got me so fucked. I was just like, what the fuck are we going for? Right. I'm doing like this shit, right? So then of course we get up there, standing in the fucking Disneyland line, right? Yeah. Yeah.

To see a humanity just up there, a lot of sweatpants, obese people, qualifying and shit, right? Right. And, uh, and we're standing there and, uh, and, uh, I don't have my driver's license, uh, some stupid reason, but no, I've had the registration on my car. So you can use that. All right. So we're fucking standing in the line.

And of course we get up there and I'm just, and I'm just like, I, I'm sitting, I'm reading the book. Do not lose your shit. Do not lose your temper. So I go, Nia, why don't you handle this? I'll just hang back here and I'll just be like, I'm the dopey husband. Tell me where to sign. So she gets up there and she's talking and she's talking and then the lady's talking

and then she's talking. I can't quite hear what's going on here. I got the mask on and shit. And it just gets to the point of like, oh, this ain't going well. Why is she talking way more to these other people? And then like, so I kind of stepped in a little more and I hear that they're turning us down that we can't fucking get the thing and blah, blah, blah. And then I just had to ask, I was just like, so let me get this straight.

You can make an appointment. You can get an appointment and then you can come here and still not be qualified. And she goes, well, yeah, that's because the website doesn't understand that up here, blah, blah. I interrupt. I go, don't you think you should work that out before people drive all the way up here? I didn't raise my voice. I said that then I quickly thought like they're trying to vaccinate the entire country.

Give him some slacks. And then I just then I just said, you know, fucking who gives a shit. And then my wife was mad, was mad at who at the situation. She tried to put it on me. She goes, why did you yell at them? I go, I didn't yell at him. She goes, you were giving him shit. I go, well, what the fuck?

I go, that wasn't a legit question. If I'm not qualified, just tell me when I'm home. Don't have me drive 40 minutes. So I was just like, ah, whatever. You know what? I need a new cell phone charger. There's a fucking Best Buy over there. Let's go in there.

So I went in and I got something out of it. I drove, I drove fucking an hour and a half round trip to get a fucking car charger. You know what Bill? That's called progress because 10 years ago, you might not have reacted that way. And here's what's funny. I'm, I'm, I'm calling foul or your wife because to me outside of looking in, that seems like she was pissed, but she couldn't put it on the woman.

She had to maintain her cool. So then when you just asked a simple question, she got to project. I had a little mustard on it when I asked it. Okay. I went a little, what's his face? Ian, I don't know. I went a little bit like that, right? So, so then we got in the car and she tried to put it on me that I was mad.

I wasn't that mad because I was like, fuck, I failed again. You know what I mean? Full blown, but I kind of failed again. But then we got in the car and I looked over and I saw, look on his face when we were driving home. And she called a few people and she was mad. I was looking at it. I go, look at you.

I go, you're mad. Yeah. I didn't get that mad. You were fucking mad. I just teased the whole way home. And you know, my wife's fucking awesome. And we were laughing within like 10 minutes. And then what's funny is she went ahead today and she goes, yeah,

I got an appointment to get the vaccine and she got one without me. And I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, now you know how Leo Leonardo felt the end of fucking Titanic. You're up on the board now. I'm sitting in the water. Yeah. So you're about to float away. Like they're going to open it up to everybody.

So if something doesn't happen before they open it up to everybody, then I'm just going to wait for that. The same way it did with flat screen TVs when they were like 15 fucking grand and Bobby and all of them bought them. They bought them when it was like they were like 35, 4,000, right five grand. Something fucking crazy happened first. Yeah.

Yeah. My TV's only this thick, right? They were huge. So yeah, I kept my square TV until like 2008 when I moved out to LA. Right. Even then I kept it. I kept it until. Yeah.

Like it kind of became like this badge of honor that I still had the That's hilarious. Watching like Matlock and shit on it. So I feel like the Pfizer in all that Johnson and Johnson things going to be the same way. Like there's going to be this mad rush when Pete, when it first happens and then eventually you'll just be able to fucking walk in. Yeah, that's me.

That's me. Like a tank of gas rolling up your sleeves. Right. Stick it in. Right. You don't even have to stop. You just literally sitting in the drive through. Yeah.

That's funny. I feel like it's going to be some people that are going to be like, all right, I'm too afraid to get the vaccine, let everybody else get it. And everybody else gets it, then it's going to burn out. And then what's going to happen is they're going to get it. They're going to get the COVID. They're going to keep it fucking going. And to me, I always think of sci-fi movies.

I do too. And it's like the vaccinated start hunting down. Right. Non-vaccinated. It's like I am legend. That was all I did. The premise of I am legend was someone created a cure for it. Cancer.

And then it mutated and created these, these sort of vampire slash zombie nightwalkers. Why do they always got to go vampire zombie? Isn't there whatever just happened to monsters? They're getting lazy with the makeup. You know, an uglier version of you rather than these back in the day, straws up your nose and you had fucking all this hair and shit.

Now it's it's zombie bill. You know what? I just, you know, it was funny. I just caught myself. That's the first time anytime. I still call you Billy man. And I thought about back in the day still does.

I was then Billy, then Billy, because you know what happened? Somebody in Boston got in my head. That just doesn't sound. That doesn't sound right. There's no ring to it. Really? Yeah.

And then I was like, so now it's in New York. It's just like, oh, my name stinks. And I was like, so now it's in New York. It's just like, oh, my name stinks.

I do. I had nothing where it was. If you told me to change my name, name to Michael, Michelson, I would have done it. Like when I came to like New York, like I was just like, what?

And anytime anybody called me like Billy, I was just like, my parents just called me this when I was, I mean, I don't mind it or anything like that. But just, I didn't want to be known as that. And it took me like three years to get the courage up to say

to a host, just, just call me Bill. Like that's how beaten down. What's this a kid? Like I had like zero self-esteem. So now when I hear it, it actually, I like it because it reminds me of this period in New York

that was probably the biggest growth in standup. When I started doing like, you know, Sunday night at the Boston and poker office and all that stuff and started running into you people. But you know what? I got, I got to give you,

give you your props, man. And I always tell people, I was talking to DC, Benny about this when I had them on my, those rooms, he'd be over at Nels. No, but that, that was the thing.

Y'all were just funny. You didn't pander, right? When you would come and do, at first I did. Oh, did you? Oh, I did. I did my whole scared to be in a dance. I didn't do that.

Okay. No, you know what I used to do? I used to have him play the hardest fucking hip hop possible. Right. No, no. Oh, honest John did that.

Whatever they would always play some fucking rap thing. Right. My thing was that when they would play it because everybody else, you know, they'd be up there doing all this. I would just come up. Yeah. Yeah.

Cut it, cut it, cut it. Christ. And then they immediately would just be laughing like, Oh, all right. This is like Archie Bunker. He's just going to be,

he's going to be a white dude. So I always told other white comics, I go, it's, it's all about the first laugh. Yeah. Once you get the first laugh, then it's easy. The hardest thing is the first laugh.

Once you get the first laugh, then you become like a mascot. No, we can get quaint, the white guy. I find this white guy amusing. Right. Getting like extra laughs. And then you're watching all the black comics have to do almost backflips. Right.

Like chuckle. And then that's when I went back to the seller. Right. I would watch black comics go on in front of, you know, white crowds. That's why I started making fun of Patrice. Like, there's white lady over here grabbing her purse.

It's like, what's your fucking pandering? Just go up and do your shit. I feel like a mole on a polar bear's ass and all of that stuff. We get it. Right. Right. We get it.

You're black. Right. Right. Right. Right. I missed fucking trash in him. Yeah, dude. All of that.

Dude, I salute to you guys for, for, for the, for this killing is easy, man. It was weird watching like Von called me. The killing of Z's. I was like, what the fuck did we do there? Killing is easy. Killing is easy. Enough shit after one bad day.

Jesus Christ. That's the guy out. My God. Killing is easy to documentary band. I enjoyed it because a Vada hit me and she was like, she was like, you know, she was, she was real. She was like, just want, I want to let you know, we wanted to include everyone,

but we had to cut your stuff. And I was like, Von, I said, I know he was my friend. I don't need. I said, it would have been nice. They had to cut so much, so much shit. Right. So I wasn't tripping.

I wasn't like, yeah, you know, it, yeah, there was a lot of stuff, but, but, um, the whole, all I did on that thing was that it, if Mike Von Figaro is the guy, he's the guy that put the whole thing together. Right. Von and Georgia filled in all of the, uh, him not being a comic type of stuff.

Yeah. Um, and then all I did, he'd be like, Hey, can, can you, do you know this comic? Can you, can you call him? Can you just, just send him comedians that way? Right, right. Uh, Mike Von Figaro. He also did the, uh, the 30 for 30, the Daryl dock and Daryl,

the one on the 80. Yeah. That's, yeah. So I knew like when I saw the first rough cut and they went all the way back to Patrice's childhood and the pictures and the buildings and where it grew up. I mean, I knew Patrice for like almost 20 years. I, I was like riveted and that was just on a rough cut.

And I was just like, okay, this is great. Cause there was a couple of, um, people going like when they saw the trailer were, you know, saying like, this looks like stuff I've already seen. And I was just like, I was like, okay, it's good. Once you sit down and watch it, like I loved, I was talking to Dane cook about like, I love Patrice's friends from his neighborhood. Yeah.

Yeah. Dane was like, they were like an old married couple, like talking over each other. And then they ended on the same thing. Yeah. And, uh, and then also to see that he was, there was that Patrice thing even back then, like talking to women and then divide and conquering.

She's bringing your whole down and all of that stuff. Right. Right. Yeah. I'm very happy the way that turned out. And I was talking to Patrice's mom the other day and she's like, she's like, it was wonderful. I watched it like four times.

That's dope. That's dope. Yeah. You know what, it humanized them. Like, like, you know, in the, in the decades since, you know, he unfortunately passed. Um, you know, I have people asking me about him and they, they hold him up, which is dope, but they hold up the legend of

Patrice and, you know, the whole thing and his thing. I'm like, nah, he was, he was, he was actually a good friend. If you got, got the chance, if you were fortunate enough to just break bread and hang out. You know what I realized about him? A long time. I always cut people off. Finish that thought.

No, no, no. But it was, uh, it was, he was just, it was, it was dope to, to that you could see him with a mill, just being a dad. Just, you know, just, I didn't know that stuff. Yeah, man. That was, he called me, I was talking about the Shrek thing, man. One of my favorite memories of, uh, of him was, um, when I was working on, you know, people started finding out that I,

that I was working on Shrek the musical. He calls me one day. He's like, Dane, what? Um, yeah. So you're doing this, uh, you're doing the, uh, the Shrek thing. Huh? I said, yeah, man. I said, yeah, it looks like, it looks like it was going to be

embroidered. He was like, yo, you know, not for nothing, but if you, if you, if you can get some tickets for me and Von and, and the daughter, I said, dude, I said, I would be honored if y'all came. Um, that, and to me, that was just a dope. It was a, because you're used to walking into the, the, the seller and I'm like, oh, Dean's words, he got on, got on your, your college gear.

Dean's got that knack of money, you know, whatever you stink. I'm like, I'm just bad for doing well. Right. Right. But that's, that's what we did. And so it was just nice, nice. The same way I was able to see that and you were able to see that in, in your, your intimate moments where it was just you and him one on

one, me and him one on one. I think the world got to see that through the, uh, through the documentary anyway. I thought that was an amazing friend. I realized years after his death, I was watching an old Sanford and son that he was doing a little bit of red fox. Uh, you know, great. Oh yeah.

I was like, oh, I was so upset that I, it took to after he died that I figured that out. I was just thinking, oh, I could have fucking started. All I would have to do is start that. Then Keith would have been like, oh, it's still from red fox. And we would have trashed the shit out of him. I think I went downstairs and watched him when he went on, when he went on stage.

Right. Right. Well, I'm looking forward to obviously, I mean, I haven't been, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was like, I haven't been, I was, you know, it's funny. I was actually in New York when you guys were taping the, uh, Tiffany Haddish. They read.

Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was, I was back. Your old stomping grounds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your old TV show there. I was back. Oh, right.

Right. I texted you, man. I was, dude, I was, let me tell you something. Yeah. I have to understand. I get, I just told somebody this. I said, I still get geeked when I see any of my friends on TV in movies.

I'm still the dude, because I'm such a fan of everybody, right? I, and, and I'm such a fan of just seeing us all win because I remember, like you said, being in Port Knackers and two steps down and he's holding the wall, you know, these, these restaurants that had a Tuesday night comedy thing, right? Taking a dump. I remember LeBar bat. LeBar bat.

Who else talent hosted that? Right? Was it talent? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All those holes in the world. So to see when you were doing SNL, it is funny because you must have had a new phone.

So I text, I was like, yo, dude, do your thing. And I get the text said Edwards. And I said, yeah, man. He was like, oh, dude, thanks. Thanks a lot. What happened was I don't use the cloud. Okay. I dropped my phone in a toilet.

Oh, damn. And that was it. And I wasn't going to go get it. It's a public toilet. I was like, ah, fuck. Um, so, uh, yeah. So that's how I didn't. So that's happened to me with a number of people.

Okay. Like there's a few people that have probably texted me and I didn't know who they were. And now they think that I'm like big league in them. And it's just like, all right, right, right. Added technology. So I apologize for that. No, no, no, but you, you responded.

And once you realized it was me, it was, it was all love. So I don't trip on this stuff. I, um, I, I put a picture up hold up. I got to show you this because you're going to laugh. I put a picture of, uh, I found on my laptop, a picture of when Kev's, um, eldest daughter now when heaven was born. I found it in my, found it in my laptop.

And I was like, oh, I got to post this. If, if, you know, I don't have his most current number, but dude, look at this. This, this is this picture of, of low care of the bastard. Oh my God. Wow. He wasn't the bastard though. Then he wasn't the bastard anymore.

He's, he was little Kev the bastard when, when he was, uh, in Philly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. At that point he was, he was in LA and so he was just, he was just Kev. He told him to stop doing that. Then he was little Kev. Right.

And then he said like, listen, just go by your goddamn name. Stop with this street shit. Right. Right. Yeah. Right. Right.

All right, dude. So good to sort of see you. Yeah, bro. I'll take it. I'm really happy for that. And, and, uh, Tiffany's such a great person there to, like,

Best man. Yeah. Create all this stuff for everybody else to do. Great. So that, that is to Tiffany now. Yeah. Yeah. We, we premiered, uh, uh, February 2nd man is streaming it's in,

is streaming input, Pertuity on Netflix. They ready season two. Um, you know, I'm episode six, but, but everybody, I mean, so six night two. Yeah. That's exactly what it was too.

I was watching. I was like, yeah. Yeah. They just cut all of a night one, which, which was wise, which was wise, man. And, uh, yeah, man. Thanks. Thanks.

Tell, tell Ben. I said, what's up? I just was watching the old show term at the Apollo, uh, on, on to be like, that's not, that's the first time I met Nia. Oh, seriously? August to 2000. We didn't start dating till like three.

Right. August to 2000. I was standing summertime. It was all light out and I was standing in the alley behind the Apollo, listening to somebody getting booed. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here? And she was there checking people in.

Right. And he took me up the back fire escape. Uh, it was hilarious. This is when Harlem was Harlem. Right. Because after I taped, he walked me to the subway and it was still broad daylight. Yo, that's Ben.

I was like, I just go here and he makes sure you get the downtown train. Your future father-in-law walked you to the subway. And I just met my wife when I had no idea. Dude, that's, that's wild. Wow. That's crazy. That's, that's insane.

Yeah. So obviously New York. Now what kills me is if I go up there, there's probably some sort of artisan cupcake. Fuck it. Right. Where the hell we were standing there. Right.

There's still some, some pockets of Harlem that still feel like, like to me, Harlem still is more Harlem than Brooklyn is Brooklyn. Like Brooklyn is, looks like a different city when you're downtown, but Harlem still, if you go like one 16th, you go to some of the, um, like Frederick, Frederick Douglass, you still, still get a feel of what Harlem was.

Yeah. I remember we used to do, uh, what the hell was, what the hell was that one up on? Uh, Was it on a fifth? St. Nick way up, uh, that little jazz bar, uh, bartender boogie.

That's, that's Sylvia's, um, ah, and I'm thinking, Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

I know exactly. One time I did a gig in there and, uh, there was that dude, um, don't say what club he worked at. He was a waiter. Okay. His name was Curtis. Yeah. Yeah.

What's up? Yeah. What's up? What's up bitch? Well, I don't know if he's, I don't know what he was white Latino. You didn't know what he was.

Right. He was, he was, he was, he was ethnically ambiguous, but all the way gay. Yeah. Yeah. And drop the N word every other. Yes.

Yes. He did it. N words out there. They ain't laughing at shit. I'm out fucking N word, N word. Right. That's a good impression. We fucking, we're up there.

Right. In this, this, uh, this little jazz bar, whatever the fuck it's called. And I'm waiting to go on. I'm the only white guy in there. And then there's him. And then he's, and there's this guy on stage and he wasn't funny and he was

just going, yo, you ain't funny motherfucker. N word. Get off the stage. Just take that shit. Get the fuck out of it. And he's looking at him. Not knowing him being like, uh, excuse me, uh, sort of light skin, Latino, maybe.

Yeah. Don't say that fucking word and blah, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, whatever. You a punk ass. Right. He goes, motherfuckers say that shit again. And he leaned forward. He goes, yo, you a punk.

And this dude picked up a fucking chair. People. Yeah. Cause it was an older. Right. Right. Right. Yeah.

All this shit happened. And then fucking I'm just sitting there like, and it's just like coming to the stage next. This next guy comes from a little further downtown. I'm like, everybody's looking at me, of course, well, you must be with him. You must be with that guy. Yo, Billy, let me talk about that.

What Smoky had that room up in East Harlem that was like a lecture hall that lady threw the shoe at me. Like fucking. She threw the Korean food all the way up and I was leaning forward, almost hit me in the nuts. And then she was a big woman and she came down to get it. Now it's just like, what the fuck is going to happen here? Because I was making fun of her shoe and I hugged it out.

And I felt the tension. Right. New York when it was like that. Yo, dude, that shit dude, that shit was all like fucking that was like 25 blocks away from where I live. Just a completely different fucking world. Yeah, man. When she crossed 96th Street, it was a different planet.

I lived on 97th and Lex. When I missed the package, my fucking package would go up to Spanish Harlem and be like, ah, fuck, I can't get it now. The sun's going down and I try to get there like nine in the morning when all the hustlers were asleep. And I try to put on my toughest fucking LLB and I would just walk up the street, you know, the black knitted thing. You had a Sean John sweatsuit for just that occasion.

Anytime you had to go pick up your packages. Regrets was keeping it real and not buying one of those. I was just like, I love those things that I was doing the black rooms. I'm going to be look like I'm trying too hard. It thinks he's a white. Yeah. A G Burr.

He's going to get a fucking headband next. Yo, you got a handle? I don't want to. Yo, let me ask you this. If you ever, if you ever feel I do a Monday night, I do a Monday night podcast on Instagram live and I've had everybody from Gaffigan. Yeah, I'll do it.

I'll do it. Dude, I love just, just for the, for that story. It's hilarious because I did Drew Frazier's room. Manhattan proper. The Manhattan proper. To the end. Yeah. Queens.

Yeah. Get out there. You know, look like fucking Grand Theft Auto. Right. That glove is literally in the hood. Like I am a black man that I would drive there and before going on stage, I'd have to say to myself, I, you know what? Last time you did.

I think we're going to be. And then you get in there and somebody's, you know, a chair and talking about roaches. I'm like, they don't want to remember. I went in there one time and one crew got into with another crew. It was a metal detector when you came in and one crew chased another crew out of the fucking building and Drew just had the

DJ playing and he's doing like the puppy thing. That's right. Okay. That's right. Bad boy. Right. And then the second they're out of the thing and they was just like, all right, you all clap it up, clap it up, clap it up.

Come on to the stage. And I'm like, yeah, not a white guy. Can't bring up. I think I was out there with Rudy Rush and Rudy Rush was dying laughing. Rudy sitting there like, nah, you better go on. Nice. You think you think you'd be all right.

You'd be all right. Then he's driving home. That laugh he had just fucking laughing at me. I'm going to go over here, dude. I got, I got some stupid conference call in like eight minutes. All right, bro. So great to see you. Text me.

I will my phone now. Okay. So let me know when that then that Instagram live thing the next time you do it. I don't know about this Monday, but definitely one of these Yeah, something in the future. I broke this game myself the out. I don't know about this Monday.

One of these Mondays you took it. I'll definitely do it. Yo, bro. Much love brother. Thanks. Thanks for having me. All right. Everybody look for them.

Streaming in perpetuity. Netflix. They ready. Set number two. Season two episodes six and follow. I am Dean. That was because that's who I am. Thanks, brother.

All right. Thank you, Dean. All right, everybody. Today's episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast was brought to you by herb cider from Tim Alexander, the incredible drummer from Primus. If you love hard cider, this is the one you want to get. Not only is it absolutely delicious.

You also get my listeners get a 15% off discount. Use the promo code. Bill B I L L at herbs cider.com C I D E R. Oh, look who it is. Everybody in docido discuss how little things or small gestures can mean a lot in a relationship. Yeah. The other day, you know what?

I taught my daughter how to ride a bike and I was laying there in bed and my wife said to me, she said, Hey, Bill, I said, Hey, what? She said, you're a really good father. And it made me feel good about myself. Share an example. A love is defined by little things. I just did that with Indochino, the perfect custom wedding suit with

every detail accounted for is more affordable than you think. Yeah. Why are you going to blow a bunch of money? You're marrying a woman. She's already going to vacuum it out of your pocket. You need to save it up for the dumb shit she's going to buy. I want to share a story of surprising way a couple, you know, has met or an interesting way they show their love.

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Talk about your experience with the product. Well, when, you know, I got married. Evidently, I went to Indochino, even though they didn't exist yet. And boy, oh boy, nobody noticed. Did you book a virtual stuff? I didn't do any of this. Describe you. I didn't do any of this.

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a book or book of virtual style consultation and Indochino.com. Right now you get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using the code Burr at checkout. That's $50 off any purchase of $309 or more at. Indochino.com promo code Burr. All right. Now, Pauly, you know what time it is. Huh?

Oh yeah. March Madness. We got Sean Greene and Ryan Kramer from Monkey Night Fight. Our favorite thing to say here, Monkey Night Fight, the sports gambling podcast. You know, I don't want to brag or anything guys, but I kind of crushed it on all of my Super Bowl bets. I got everything from the coin toss to the color of the Gatorade.

Just saying. As soon as, as soon as the blue Gatorade got dumped by Twitter feed, got lit up. I'm just everyone. I told you, I told you blue Gatorade, you know, Burr had it right. Yeah. You nailed it, man. And you were all over, you're all over your buddy Brady in the box.

And man, that was, I called you here that all over your buddy Brady. That I just knew he was going to win. It's my buddy now. You're a Brady backer and I'm a married man. I know passive aggressive statements when I hear them. Throw it under the bus. All over your buddy.

No, I, I mean, again, great job. And again, not, not coming in a condescending. Wouldn't that be all over him? Six out of nine. Now seven out of 10. You make it. It seemed like I bet some 50 to one horse. I'm with you, Bill.

Easy money. Easy money. Kramer was on the bucks as well. You guys cleaned up. I love it. I love it. Well, what about, what about March madness? I know we're on the anything better podcast, but a Verzi,

anything better than just watching a shit ton of March madness games, having some action, actually having the March madness to talk about. Listen, I love a favorite and I'm sticking to it. Cause Gonzaga is not fucking losing. I'm telling you this right now. Gonzaga is undefeated. They're going to stay undefeated.

They're the best team in the country. I actually watched them play a little bit. Um, Bill will tell you from experience of our friendship and many years of talking sports on the phone in hotel rooms, in green rooms, I can't lay off a favorite. And if there was ever a favorite that I had to stick with,

it's the fuck it's Gonzaga. So all loves the regular season. What happens in the regular season in his world is what is going to happen in the playoffs. So if Gonzaga beat some division three team by 80, he, he, he, he, he, I mean, I used to do, I used to drive me nuts back in the day when he would talk about quarterbacks that were better than my buddy Brady.

Um, and I'd be like, listen, if you want somebody to throw 500 yards in November against the team that isn't going to make the playoffs, this is your guy. But if you want someone to win in January, I need wins in January. So I, March is different. I'm already, I, I'm not saying,

I don't know shit about college you, but I can already tell you just cause somebody's undefeated in the regular season that, that does not carry as much weight as my strike friend here is trying to tell you. No, I mean, yeah, Gonzaga has looked really good, but you're right. When these teams are undefeated in the regular season, it's just so much pressure leading up to eventually a let down

game. I mean, I like Gonzaga to maybe make it to the final four, but twin at all. I think it's a little crazy. I'm going with the team like Michigan already got a couple of tough losses out of the way. You know, now they, they know what it's like to lose. They don't want that taste in their mouth and Gonzaga, they just seemed to, every year we go through this rhyme with Gonzaga where they look so good. They dominate the whack and then tournament time.

They're in a minimal security prison. Okay. If you play on tobacco road or you're, you're in the big 10, I mean, that's like, you know, you got to make a shank fellas, fellas wire to wire. It's over. I'm with you, Paul. Actually, I think it's becoming popular to find a reason to pick against the best team in the country. And we've seen this in every other sports, Sean, the best team has come home and raised the trophy at the end of the year. So I think it happens

again. Paul, Paul and I are uniting against, you know what? That Gonzaga coach, it's that Gonzaga coach's time. Okay. That dude has been knocking on the door for a while. He's finally got the team to do it. And I saw them play. I'm taking that action. Paul and Kramer's action. I'm going to win it all. I'll take that all day.

I'll root for him because I love, I would love to see somebody out of the whack win at all. But like, dude, you, you, you, come on, man. This is like, you've got bum ass fights here. You run defeated playing a bunch of who they playing out there. I expected, I expected to hear Versey, you know, being, being right there in the Jersey area, big East basketball, talking about Georgetown, the fact that Patrick Ewing wanted as a player and as a coach, Cinderella story, but you're going chalk with Gonzaga, Versey.

Yeah. I mean, listen, when I watched them play, I, the, the rebounding, the big guys down there, like, and here's the other thing. I saw Gonzaga get tested. They were getting tested by a, I think it was BYU. Yup. BYU was testing them. BYU was beating them. Okay. BYU. Yeah. BYU was beating them though. And BYU was beating them pretty good. And people are going, Oh, this is the game that Gonzaga gives it up.

And you know what? Like the champions that they are. That at the game, Paul. Nothing scares a whistler when he hears Mormons chanting like champions. The Zags fucking want it like the champions that they are. They fucking came back. They went to Utah and granted. They were playing a bunch of fucking white kids from BYU, but you know, they don't get along.

If you have a gig at Gonzaga coming up, my God, this is crazy. They're going to win it. They're talking about coach K. They're going to win it, man. They're going to win it. I'll put fucking five honey on it. I'll put, what do you want? I'll take that. Send that this way, buddy. Oh, wow.

You take it. Yeah. But so you're taking an easy way out. You're going to just pick one of 30 something teams. I mean, who's going to win it? Easy way out, Paul is knowing that you're all over it. I'm telling you made the mush. It doesn't get in here. The bush of the Bronx.

Come on. Come on. The huge favorite who won everything. Yeah. I didn't, I'm, I'm fading. I'm fading. Versey just cause we were on the same side in the Superbowl and it didn't work out for us.

Taking the favorite bill. Who do you like? Any, any teams? I know you're not. My team. My team. I got three teams that I like that I root for Michigan, Kansas, and Duke.

So out of the three of them ones who had the best year is Michigan. I like their uniforms. I'm just kidding. I just, I'm like, I'm a housewife here, dude. I haven't watched enough. I saw some kid on Tennessee throw it down though. Oh yeah. There's some elbows going.

Yeah. I'm going Michigan. Yeah. To the victors. Fuckin Zaga. They didn't play anybody. Hail, hail to Michigan. Yeah.

I mean, 500 bucks off Versey. Yes. Well, I don't know if you saw Bill, but Joanne, how are their coach? He was getting into it. I always, I always got to support a team whose coach isn't afraid to get scrappy, start yelling at the other coach. And we, it's, it's been hilarious in these COVID times where the, the, the coach is wearing the mask until he needs to pull it down and yell right

in the, in the, you know, in the red space, you can almost, you can almost see the droplets coming out of it. You're going to hear my point and take this virus. That's how mad I am at you. It's like, why even wear these masks or the, the coaches who wear the creepy clear mask. It's just so unsettling. And they still, again, just pull it down anytime they need to yell completely

defeating the purpose of the mask. That happened last night. The Knicks had a heartbreaker against the 70s. Tom Tivido's, Tom Tivido's fucking mask was on his chin. His shirt was at his boxer shorts. His fucking boxer shorts were over his fucking dress, his button down. And he just, it was like Corona didn't matter anymore. It's like, yeah, it's like that's on a call.

Well, how do they make him wear the mask? If they're just going to pull it down to, to yell at these refs. Interesting little side notes. Six of the refs already have been replaced for March madness. One tested positive. And the other six were, went out to lunch for them. Bill, I know you're not afraid to be a conspiracy theorist at time. Any, any shenanigans potentially with the refs here?

I just don't, there's no upside for it for college basketball. They own those kids. They don't pay them. I think when you get to the pros, like, uh, I mean, I think if they were going to be shaving points or doing something nuts like that, I don't think that they would get rid of a whole fleet of referees. I mean, it's, it's, it's a little too, too obvious. I don't like it. I like the, uh, there was only one mobbed up ref in the NBA in the 2000s.

I love, I love that. Tim Donagay was a solo actor. Not no one else was involved. Donagay, I listened to some interviews, the guy's hilarious. He, he admits to being involved in these scandals, but he insists that the games he bet on, he didn't adjust the way he called the game, which is the craziest thing. Like he admit that he was involved with the mob, admitted everything else, but tried to still keep some ref integrity there. Perfect. But I got a line. Okay.

Exactly. I just happened to. I said no falling kids. So wait a minute though. Wait a minute. Let's real quick, Bill. Let's get to this bet. So you're going to, so 500, I'm putting all the 500. You're just saying someone's going to take them out. You have a little easier there. Oh, that's not the kind of thing. That's not, that's not who I am. How long have you known me? First of all, I'm not taking $500 of your heart

and money. All right. So what are we going to do? Take and a cigar. Okay. Okay. And before I, I, before you take your first bite, you have to say whoever loses, you have to be like, insert name here. God damn it. You were right. You've never been more right in your life. And it is an honor for me to

take up this check and I will buy dessert also. I'm just saying Michigan's going to go further than Gonzaga. Oh, that's the best. That's the best. And that's, that's probably even money. And, and Bill was talking about being married. You know, it's a classic married guy thing. The bet is he just wants to hear someone else say they're right. I can't, I, I, that's, as a married guy, that's my fantasy. No longer, you know, two chicks at the same time, just the wife to go, you know what? After all this, you were right. Moving on. I just want to be heard. I just want to be heard.

Listen to me, sweetheart. We got, we got some, we got some awesome games here again, monkey knife fight. That's the place to go. They got college basketball, March madness, tournament bats. We got prop bets for these players again. Use that promo code Berg and a free $5 play and a hundred dollars or a hundred percent deposit match up to 50 bucks using the promo code burr monkey knife fight.com. The first four game again, there were 64 teams, not enough for all the action had a crowbar, four more teams in kicking things off Thursday night. UCLA, Michigan state, pretty good historic matchup, you know,

two kind of like powerhouses, not great years for either teams. UCLA kind of coming in cold tip off six 57 on the East coast. We got two player props, more or less on these points, Michigan state forward Aaron Henry, 16 and a half points. Pramer, I'll let you kick it off over under more or less 16 and a half. I mean, he's, he's the NBA prospect too. So if you're, if you're an NBA guy, this guy's going to be playing in the league. And I think if you like Michigan state, you like this, do you like Henry to score over 16 and a half points? Sean, as you know, I like UCLA in this one. So I'm going to take the under. Oh, okay. You're going under Versey. What

do you, where are you at here? Michigan state forward 16 and a half points first. This is actually the late game on Thursday night, getting the tournament started. You know, I like, I like UCLA too. So, but so 16 and a half points, he's got, he's got to get 17. Yep. I'm going to take the under. Okay. Like it. Lock it up in the under. Now now he's, now he's going anti-chalk bar. What are you doing here? Over under 16 and a half points. Aaron Henry, pretty good forward from Michigan state. The under then Versey said under. So I don't know here. I'm with you. I was in my head not knowing who this kid is. Hey, I got all the under right at the Super Bowl. Huh? All

the under's of the yards that I said passing from my homes and Brady. I got right when I said the under for the Super Bowl. You sound like a community college right now. Trying to be number one in something your niche number one pamphlet school in the Rhode Island region. We have the coldest Coca-Cola in any cafeteria. The best Valley area, the best pool vending machine in the break. Yes. Normally I would say that I'm thinking this kid who I've never seen play who I've already forgotten his name. This is Aaron Henry. Aaron Henry. I would say that he's feeling the pressure normally and he'd be a little tight on this first game. However, these kids grew up with

Instagram, right? They know what it's like to hit their marks, say it, be funny. They've had any handled criticism and all of this crap. Everybody's all one and done now. Everybody's sick with it. I believe what the kids say. I want to go positive trip. All right. So we have something to talk about. I'm going, I say the kids score is 21. Oh, I like that. I'm going, I'm going over. He's, he showed up big when they played Michigan, had a nice game. You see all his defense is kind of falling apart and big 10. They actually played their conference tournament in this bubble site for the tournament. He's used to the rims. He's not a, he's dialed in. I'm, I'm going over 16 and a half moving over to

the UCLA side. And I'm, I'm sure I'm going to mispronounce this guy's name. Johnny Juzang guard for the UCLA Bruins, 13 and a half points more or less. Paul, I know you're on UCLA. You going more here? Yeah. 13. He can have that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to take over. I'm going to say he gets 14. Yeah. Just over. All right. I'm with you. I'm going over, even though I'm on Michigan state for the game, laying two, I do think this is going to be a little more high scoring than we're used to for a, for a big 10 pack, 12 game Kramer, pack 12 shows up for the tourney. The Kentucky transfer has a huge game goes over scores 30 Sean, I'm saying he scores 30. All right. Well, you can do some, you can do some adjusted

lines on the monkey knife fight. If you really think he's going to go off, I think they have some adjusted stuff here and you can add in a bunch of players and go like Kramer just got me. Yo, you just got me. When you said Kentucky transfer, I just literally saw the here. I just saw the bed I'm doing when you said Kentucky transfer. So yeah, Paul perked up. He's like, are you talking about a blue blood program? I got no favorite action here. I got nugget. Some chalky action coming your way. Bill, what about, what about you, man? I think this kid tries to hang for a little while. Don't know who I don't even remember his name. Johnny, I write a lot of scripts. So here's my script. This kid tries, this

kid tries to hang with them in the first half. He gets about eight. I think he can eat out another six in the second half, but this kid, I'm telling you who's going to rise to the region of Michigan state that I'd never heard of. He's good. He's going to run away in the second half. I think that that's what happens. They both go over. Well, and, and he's going on that hero's journey for the screenwriters out there. I do appreciate Bill's honesty of just saying, I'd never heard of this guy, but, and he can still hit a talking point and just kind of shows you these talking heads. Even though they're pretend, did you see the clip of Paul Pierce talking about the sixers and they, he would, he thought they,

they lost by 36 and he was given his whole take on the highlights and they had won by 36 just shows you how to doubt some of these guys are all do Paul Pierce. When you watch him, he's a good dude, but that guy just is fucking checked out, man. The guy who's phoned in a couple gigs. I know the look when I see it. All right. I've never seen a guy give a fuck less about a post game than Paul Pierce ever. It's a look man. That's like an astronaut getting excited that someone else is sitting in the rocket. Yeah. What's going on with him right now? Hey, you know, he's making sure there's no holes in the suit. Yeah, but give it to some nerd that wants to point.

Does anybody care? He's already been there. He's not going to give a shit. All right. Florida versus Kramer, your Virginia tech Hokies right now. Hokies laying one. The player props are going to talk about Friday. East coast 12, 12, 15 tip. Trey Mon, the guard for Florida, his up, his over under sitting at 17 and a half Kramer. I know you're a, you're a Hokie die hard. Are you, are you taking the under here? Listen, the former five star recruit is starting to show up in a big way. After going under this total four, five times in a row, Sean, he's gone over the last five games. Obviously end of the season tournament time. The cameras are bright. He's going to try to do a lot himself here. I think he goes

over. Okay. He's going to, he's going to press maybe, but give him a lot of shots up. I think he's finally coming into his own as I like to say, Versey, Florida, SCC country, Traymon, you're going under 17 and a half. I'm with you. I think this is going to be a good game. The spread reflects that, but 18 points against this Virginia tech defense, which isn't amazing, but isn't like, isn't bottom barrel. I'll say this, I think 18's a lot. Kramer's the only one taken over. So I think he gets there. But even if they're down by a lot, it's kind of like the football analogy of the quarterbacks going to throw for a lot of yards either way. It's kind of the way they've been playing.

So yeah, I'm going over. Bird, what are you at with this one, Traymon? I feel like Florida is a sunnier state. So you can play basketball year round. So these kids are out there playing defense and that humidity. You get them inside an air conditioning. They're going to shut this kid down. I'm going to relief central air. I like that. I'm going to be running downhill the whole game. Yeah. It's not no humidity in Indianapolis, at least not this time of year. I mean, we live in it is muggy. You got to adjust the dry heat. It's a dry heat, Kevin, a Luma. And again, Kram Kramer, you can correct his pronunciation. There you go. 14 and a half

points, Virginia tech forward. I'm going to start on this guy. I'm going over here again. I, Florida's defense has kind of fallen apart a little bit late. They've really killed me on some bets. So I'm, I'm on Virginia tech for the game. I think a Luma getting 15 is doable here. Kramer, you co-signing completely co-signing. I'd say, I think the, the monkey knife fight folks are fell asleep at the wheel here. His usage has been incredible lately. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't go over calling out the monkey. I mean, I, I, I, I have a call out the nerds with the computers. Wrong number here. He goes over. Are you with him? Versey? Because he's, he's so into the team and he knows the team so well. He

said that he said that was so much confidence that I'm taking that. Yeah. Yeah. You got to, you got to trust the guy who's got the inside scoop or where are you at over under 14? It's hard to go against Ryan's confidence, but you know, the fact that Versey was enamored by it, I just got to go against it. I got to go against it. Chomp, by the way, I love how your background looks like a foot locker the day after Christmas. Nobody wanted the Eagles jerseys and everything else. So there is a D two rest of soul, by the way, rest of soul. You got a medium. You got to meet that. All we got is what's left here. You can call it a foot locker sale, but you can't go out. My boy, Reggie white minister.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was right. No, I said rest his soul, rest his soul, but that's old school right there. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. That's my entire childhood. I do have a, I have a bill Berge custom Jersey on the way to hang up next to my Chuck bed and Eric, which, uh, yeah, talking old school from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, my favorite that was a classic NFL clip. Oh yeah. We talked about that. When you were calling for NFL football games, the days of fucking that guy just like, Oh my God. Oh man. He did. I shook his hand at a youth awards banquet and it, it looked like he had gone and like a juicer. His, his pinky was like 90 degrees and he just had this hand

is like, Oh my God. Yeah. Ben Eric Hall of Famer. All right. Last game we're going to get to this one. Another shouldn't be a classic here, Syracuse, who a lot of people argue and maybe not deserving to be in the tournament, especially at an 11 C not having to play in going up against San Diego state, the Aztecs round one late night, a six 40 on the East coast, buddy, Bayheim. Of course his dad is the coach. I've been all in a buddy, Bayheim. The kid is just shooting lights out 31 point game against Virginia, 16 and a half way too low all in buddy, Bayheim Kramer. You've been making fun of me for my love affair with buddy Bayheim and the Syracuse orange. Are you go, are you brave enough to go under at 16 and

a half to true statements, buddy is a dog's name. Yes. Also as a youth coach myself, youth girl soccer, if I make the playoffs like that, like we see with Jim, you bet your ass I'm playing my kids, the entire goddamn game. So he's going to take all the shots. Buddy Bayham goes over Versey, Versey, where you at with buddy Bayheim? Dude, this dude Kramer, I wish you coached my, you just have the knowledge that if I like, it's like everything you say, I'm just like, I think this kid's got his shit together. Like I think that you know a lot of stuff. And I do like the fact that this kid, this is buddy Bayheim's first tournament or no.

No, no, but this is, this is his first story to play many, many minutes. He wasn't, he wasn't getting a ton of action on there on their previous tournaments. That's what she said. I think he goes, it's 16 and a half is a great number, but you know what? I think he chucks them up. I think he chucks them up to, you know, press his old man and show people it's a buddy Bayham time. It's over 17 points for the kid. And, and that is a, I know you're not a Versey, you're not a gambling tout, but that is a, that is right in toolkit. Number one of the gambling tout. This is a great number. This is a great number. Gives yourself a lot of wiggle room as a guy who's given out a bunch of bad picks. If you start out by complimenting the

number. Yeah. Most people have no idea how numbers are created. So they get very impressed when you talk about the number. As if you know, oh wow. Very important. Shout out to them. Great job over a monkey. Nice fight. By the way, yes, yes. It'll all depend on who shows up. You guys want to see a great gambling movie, watch owning Mahoney. I'm trying to get through it. It's done so well as far as Philip Seymour Hoffman. Just the, oh yeah. Well, I probably shouldn't say that on a gambling website. It's a, it's a feel good movie where he wins every time. All right. But as far as Buddy Boham, is that his name? Bayham. But yeah, let me tell you something, buddy. There's only room for one BB in this

entertainment business and you're looking at him. I'm taking the under. I say they shut you down, buddy. Lock it up. Buddy is the name of a stock car driver. Buddy Baker. Right. Oh, another, another BB. That's true. That's a real human too. I thought it was just a dog name. Buddy Bell basketball player until he shows up and scores more than 17 and a half, which will not happen. Lock it up on the under and don't worry. Most gambling movies and like uncut gems. So it's, it's cool. It's another sunny day movie. I mean, you know, that's how you know, I have a problem. You watch that movie, not going to spoil the end, but kind of a rough ending and just leaving the theater. I'm like, I got to figure out how he got that seven teamer.

And I got, I got to give me one of those stones. That was good luck, man. What was that movie with? What was the movie with Pacino and McConaughey where McConaughey was like his guy to for the money, to for the money, the brand. But the whole point of that movie was it's basically after all the shit they went through, he goes, it's a coin toss with the spread. It's literally a coin toss. It was one of the great montages in cinema history of McConaughey lifting weights while like reaching over and picking games against the spread. It's an all timer as far as hilarious. That's fucking hilarious. Well, dude, you know, you only have abs once in your life. If you love you to ever have them. So you might as well show them if

you get, show them if you got them. That's what I say. Hey, I can't play with the guys. He got it. He got them from all those, all those late night bongo sessions. Matt Mitchell is the forward for the San Diego state as techs 15 and a half points. Oh, again, I'm on cues here to win the game. I'm going under again. Maybe I'm blind to just supporting buddy, Bayhime, cause my dog's named buddy and I'm all in, but I think they're, they're defense a little better than they're getting credit for Kramer. Are you over under Matt Mitchell 15 and a half points, Matt Mitchell? As you know, Sean, we adopted San Diego state to do this podcast. So we are gals. I am sticking with that. Our gals and Matt Mitchell junkyard

dog. He shows up. I think he has a nice game. Hit some threes gets over this 15 and a half point total. Versey where you at Kramer's over. I'm under. You seem to be team Kramer, but where are you at? Matt Mitchell, 15 and a half under under. Okay. I kind of led him as an interviewer. You're not supposed to do that. He saw five reds in a row and he's saying, I'm going black. It's good. Classic relaunch strategy. All right, Bill, Matt Mitchell, 15 and a half. I know you've been breaking down his game film in the off season. What do you know? San Diego state had a basketball team, but the football team's been making some noise. And I think that they're, they're going to feed off of that. And this kid's going to go

over 15 and a half. Not much though, because it's a great number. It's a great number. Should be noted. He did play well in the simulated March madness we created last year when March madness got canceled. So if that was a foreshadow for things to come, all right, that'll do it for the tournament talk presented by monkey knife fight head over to monkey knife fight.com daily fantasy sports for the rest of us use that promo code burr, get the $5 game, the free play and a hundred percent deposit. Zag go Gonzaga. Yeah. He's on the Zags Kramer's on the Zags. Burr and I are on Michigan. We'll see how this shakes the program. I'm staying on the winning train. I got a prop for you,

Paul, right here. There it is. There it is. Staying on the winning train. I won the last time you bastard. What are you talking about? Gonzaga train defeated. That's all right. All right, guys. This guy gets one Gatorade color right. It's easy to fucking kill. No, no, no, from coin toss to Gator Paul. If you did what I did, you would have had a Jordan ones with your picks on the side of them. What the fuck are you talking about? All right, that's it. Thank you guys. All right, guys, Sean, everybody. Thank you so much. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 18, 2013. How's it going? How are you? I'm upstairs in my half a house at this point.

They got all the demolition done. I'm gonna have to open the fucking window because it's already too hot in here as fucking thing needs to be replaced to anybody want to buy a tree for it. And I think that's what I bought. I bought a tree for it with fucking wall the wall. Look at the views. If you see the views, all this fucking bullshit. Everybody told me, you know what, if you ever go to buy a house, this is what I suggest you do. Walk in there wearing a helmet. All right, with some safety goggles on. Put those fuckers, put the whole ensemble on and then have one of your biggest friends just grab you like a battering ram and slam you into the wall of the house and have a look around when you come when you come to

have a look around you'll be surprised what you find in there. All right, if there's nothing in there other than the fucking horseshit you just broke by all means make an offer on the house. All right, these fucking cocksucking fucking insurance adjusters will cover everything. Do you know these dickheads? I had like fucking wood in the walls like those slats that they never have these constant they're going to put plywood and then they're going to put drywall over the top of that and I'm just going to be like, whoa, that's the same thing, isn't it? Mr. Bear, we're sorry you didn't have the premium coverage. If you had your premium coverage and we would have we would have paid for what you're asking. Now you wouldn't know you would have found some other

fucking reason not to pay me. That's why you're in the big building, isn't it? Huh? Why do you have a pinky ring? How did you get that? Is there some old woman in a wet house coat trying to figure out how to eat a fucking Alpo because that how you got that fucking ring? You know, it's funny is the insurance adjuster hasn't even come over here yet and I've already been screaming at the windshield of my car because I know what these fucking cunts are going to do. You know, they did it to the entire city of New Orleans. They're not going to do it to me. You know, I'm my own little city here. I don't have any fucking, you know, there's no Sean Penn fucking rowing a boat up to my house coming to rescue me is there? You know, I don't think there is. I'm on my own. You know

what? That's fine. I don't need anybody. I've already resigned myself to the fact that I am going to fucking not only restore this goddamn fucking cocksucking fucking room. Sorry guys. I'm in a mood here. I am going to fucking I'm going to make I'm going to make it even better. Okay, that's what I'm doing. I don't give a shit if I have to do stand up gigs in and I don't know one of those apartheid countries in front of a fucking dictator like Beyonce did shaking her fucking perfectly round ass on New Year's Eve. You think I'm above that? I'll do I'll do it the fucking day after Thanksgiving. I'll give you a fucking two for one Easter and flag day you can have me in a Hawaiian shirt and whatever fucking compound you're living in to keep the people from

storming the damn thing because you made a deal with the CIA and you gave away the fucking oil didn't you? I'll come down there I'll do my act in your fucking fire. All right, I'm gonna get some of that blood money. I'm gonna get some of that blood money and I'm going to fucking restore this goddamn room back to the way it was supposed to be. You know, because that's what the fuck I've been doing. I've been sitting here for the last fucking couple of days and I've been finding out where all the goddamn stuff is that I need. Have I cursed enough? I'm really going to take this down a notch, don't I? Or does it make you feel better about yourself? He swears we more than I do. Shit, I'm a fucking moron. I never pass nothing. You know, you make somebody in there

like, you know, I was good at math but I wasn't too good in history. Well, I like I was good in history but I wasn't good with that woodworking stuff. Shit, right? I'm one of them motherfuckers, one of them few motherfuckers. I ain't good at shit. I sucked from the second I pulled into the parking lot. Shit, she called my name and I forget what the fuck she was talking about, you know, and maybe she just feel like Lenny and I feel like just sitting there, you know, just sitting there wondering why my dick was hard, you know. Am I having a nervous breakdown? Oh, Christ. So I was looking, I forgot to look this shit up. God damn it. So I've been looking up all these old houses that they have out here in Los Angeles,

by the way, specifically the Pasadena area has these amazing houses out there. And I've just been looking up how people went about restoring them. Now, if they were able to fucking restore an entire goddamn house, there has to be enough shit left for me to do a room, right? Please tell me that. I just sounded like fast Eddie and fucking reservoir dogs. Please tell me, somebody's got the diamonds, okay? Can somebody just please fucking tell me. So anyways, I started looking up all these houses, right? This is back, you know, back in the day, I'm a big fan of fucking blue blood money when there was a name attached to it. You know, back in the day, like people knew the names of the rich cunts that were stealing from

them. They knew what they looked like. They knew where they lived. It was unreal. Well, the Vanderbilt's, the Aster's, the Rockefellers, the Rothschilds, you know, and then you had the people who started, you know, like Proctor and Gamble. That wasn't just a name. Those were fucking people. Like there's a house out in Pasadena called the Gamble House. It was made by these guys green and green and they did those, what do you call them? What do you call them? Craftsmen, American craftsmen's houses. So they would build a house for and everybody would be born. How much money do you think Proctor and Gamble have when you drive by? Well, there's the Gamble House right there. That's Gamble's house. What does fucking Proctors

look like? You know, Johnson and Johnson, all those goddamn families. So anyways, I was looking these things up and this is house out in Pasadena called the Blacker House, the Robert R. Blacker House. And what? Oh, come on, you fuck it. I can't, you know, it's not how dumb I am. I can't even click on something. Hang on a second. Here we click on this shit, the Blacker House out in Pasadena. You can't believe what happened. This house is fucking unbelievable. I actually drove by it the other day like a goddamn stalker looking at it. And this house was made, I guess, for this guy, Robert and Nellie Blacker, right? So typical, you know, rich people, they got this unfucking believable house, you know, built at the turn of the last century. So it's all this wood,

you know, they're cutting down like fucking 150, 200 year old trees or whatever. So the shit solid is a rock, you know, as opposed to that fucking bullshit, they got down at home depot, you know, fucking shits, grown down in El Salvador by some fucking eight year old, you know, once the trees taller than the kid, they make the kids saw it down four in the morning before they make them fucking plant another one and start watering it, you know, you know, realize that that's how trees grow now. Eight year olds, they teach them how to sleep on their feet. They sleep like standing up and they sit there like just slowly watering them all night and then it causes them to grow faster. It's a whole, it's a whole, I saw it on 60 minutes. You guys should

check it out if you get a chance. If you got a Hulu, you might want to look that up. But anyways, so they made this amazing house and all the furniture and all the shit in it and the chandeliers and all of that are basically worth a small fortune now. So what happened is, of course, the fucking lady outlives the guy. Why? Because when shit hits the fan, women cry and guys fucking deal with it. That's why bang, there it is. Did the bell go off in your head? That's the first sexist moronic thing that I'm going to say. Well, not first moronic, but the first moronically sexist thing that I'm going to say in this fucking podcast. All right. When the shit hits the fan, the ladies, they fucking cry. That's what they do. The guys, we're crying on the inside, but we got to hold

that shit together as we push an IKEA couch under the fucking waterfall that's coming through the top of your house. That's that's what we do. They go, Oh my God, it's ruining everything. And they get it out. We don't. So hence 35 fucking years later, we drop off a heart attack while we're mowing the lawn, because in the middle of our chest was, Oh my God, it's ruining everything. It's still fucking in there attached to, Oh my God, the car isn't going to start. All that fucking shit is just one big fucking ball sitting there right on top of your hat. And then that's it, you fucking keel over. And then she has the nerve to stand there going, I told him to stop eating red meat. I told him to have a salad. He didn't like it. He said that food was for the quiz.

Um, anyways, so this fucking house, this fucking house, they kept everything like all original right up until the 40s. So that stuff was already 40 years old. They already weren't making furniture. Well, maybe the 40s, they kind of still will, but the style had changed. So if you walked into that house in mid like 1945, when this woman died, it was like stepping back in time like 45 years, they gave her going to an old person's house and you see their stereo if they kept in an immaculate immaculate condition, the car they're driving their fucking can opener. Well, maybe not now, but back in the day and then old can opener, you know, be made to some real fucking materials instead of some plastic hunk of shit, right?

They had all that stuff and they had all those beautiful sconces and the chandeliers and all that stuff on the walls and on the ceiling, everything, right? So anyways, in the will, the lady says whoever buys this house, it's all encompassing. You have to buy the house, it comes with all the furniture. They had what looks like another house behind it. That was just for visitors, like a mother-in-law suite. Looked like a fucking four bedroom colonial. That was the guest house. That's how big this fucking house was. They had a greenhouse. They had this giant property. So when you went in and bought it after she died, the person had to buy everything and it wasn't allowed to sell off anything.

So of course she dies and then the fucking greedy cunts, what do they do? They sell the house and then that person immediately divides it up, sells off the mother-in-law suite, gets rid of the greenhouse, cuts up the fucking property, has an infamous fucking yard sale and sells all of this unbelievable furniture. And to this day, it's in museums and private collectors own the shit. Gets even worse what happened to this fucking house. That's what makes me feel better about me because I only lost one room. It's beautiful fucking house with all this shit. They already lost all the furniture, right? But they still have the windows and the chandeliers and all that shit. Some cunt buys it in 1985, who's a fucking deals in like vintage chandeliers and all this stuff.

He buys the house for a million bucks, guts the fucking thing. Is selling these chandeliers for like six figures to who? I don't know. But somehow he's selling it for like 150, 200 grand. He's selling the sconces for like 100 grand. He guts the fucking place, replaces everything with a home depot replica piece of shit. It was called the rape of the fucking blacker house or whatever. I'm reading all of this stuff. Is this boring to you guys? I don't know what. So I've been reading up on all of this shit, but whatever somebody bought the house after it was able to restore it, painstakingly, I might add painstakingly. So I figured if these guys can do that, you know, I can restore this one fucking room. They're already trying to pull this shit on me,

telling me that people don't put plaster up anymore. It's like, yeah, they do. I just had my fucking rooms out there, replastered. I already have a guy. I write your fucking cunt with your plywood and your drywall. Is that what you're going to do? Then why don't I just do it? Why don't I just fucking do it? Because you'd fuck it up, Bill. Yeah, but you know what? I could do most of it around the windows would be a little bit difficult because it requires some fucking measurements. So anyways, that has been, that's been my week. And I got a bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow, right? So that's why I'm doing the podcast here Sunday afternoon. So anyways, I walk into the living room. The lovely Nia is watching one of her reality shows. And you know,

it's these five just toxic women sitting in this limousine. And one of these women is telling this hap, one of these women who's divorced is telling this happily married woman that she needs to speak up to her husband more. And it was basically because the husband said, I'm old fashioned. He goes, I'm an old fashioned guy. So he's out there killing it, making an insane fucking living, right? And she's the little homemaker, right? So Conti McDivorstein, right? Conti Divorstein, there you go, is sitting in the back of the limo. And basically telling the girl who's fucking, she's got the best deal ever. She married somebody who's out there making a fuckload of money. And all she's got to do is keep the house together. So you gotta do, you got all fucking day.

Jesus Christ, how long does it take to sweep the kitchen? You know, you can even hire a fucking cleaning company. Just have the shit clean. And when I come home, have dinner ready for the life of me, for the life of me. I don't know why certain people look at that as slavery. You know, unless, look, if you have some fucking dream, you know, and you have ideas and that type of thing, and you want to go out and pursue them, by all means. But if you're just going to be another cog in the wheel, taking the fucking subway to work, to go make somebody else's dream come true, you know what I mean? Why the fuck wouldn't you take that other thing? You got all day to get out of the house, go for a fucking walk, you know?

Dude, I swear to God in another life, if I'm a fucking stay at home mother, I swear to fucking God, I am gonna, I'm gonna get fucking season tickets to everything, to fucking all four sports, and I'm gonna knock out everything I have to do during the day. I'm gonna have that fucking dinner ready the second the dude comes in, and then when it's over, see ya, I'm out fucking running down the thing on my fucking heels, and I'll go to the goddamn game. I don't know what they're complaining about. You couldn't have more fucking free time. You know, even when you have kids, it's, you're still running shit, you're still the boss, you know? I don't know. I don't, I've talked about this shit, so she ends up telling this lady in the fucking back of this limo, she's like, you know,

that's all well and good if he wants to fucking blah, blah, blah, but you know, that old-fashioned stuff can also be controlling. It can also be, it can, you know, people, when people are dumb, is when they make one point, and they have to say it three times in a fucking row to make it sound like they made a bunch of different points, but they only made one, and now it's not working, and now it's not working, and now it's not working. You don't need to do that shit. You just want to slap them on the side of the head, it's like, are you stuck in there? What's wrong with you? I heard you the first time, I heard you the first time, she's fucking driving me fucking nuts with this shit, and then she ends it with, you know, so if he wants a sandwich,

he should go out there and have to make it himself, and I just, oh, that host fucking shit. Women like that are always like, you're not the king, you're not the king, but then two seconds later, if you were to say you're a queen, they would 100% agree with you, and it's that classic shit, I think I did it in one of my stand-up things, my stand-up Skittles, I swear to fucking God, every goddamn thing that they bitch about, that they do not want to be done to them, they will fucking do to you in a second, if you let them, all right? This is why me and Nia can't watch TV together, because she watches the dumb whore channel, and she watches it to laugh at the dumb whores, which if I was a woman,

I could sit there and laugh at the dumb whores, because at no point would I be financially like connecting, you know what I mean? Like the biggest fear for me anyways, is you're gonna fucking get married, the girl's gonna flip on you, and then take everything you've got, and there's nothing you can fucking do about it, right? So when I watch those stupid whores, that's what I see, I see a limo full of child support, just fucking lazy, get your fucking life together, losers, decked out, by the way, they were on their way to a titty bar, okay? You know, so right there, everybody in the, everybody in the car is fucking suspect. It's like, wait, what the fuck, how old are you? I don't even go to titty bars anymore.

But Christ's sake, ladies, get your middle-aged pussies back in the fucking house, and make a goddamn sandwich, am I right? You know, bad, I want to go on like Ellen DeGeneres' show and somehow get half of that out. Just to see how long, how much of it I could get out before, I don't know, before somebody went through the morning after pill at me. I'm a vial of that shit right at my giant forehead. Anyways, I was just thinking, what if my hitting me in the forehead was a carnival game? What do you think you would win? It would be so fucking easy, my forehead's so goddamn big. You know, you'd win one of those, remember those little koalas that you could stick on the

end of your pencil back in the 70s? I'm sure they got a box of those left over somewhere, that's what you'd win until they ran out. So anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. It's ignorant, it's sexist, and it's great for kids. We got some advertising, everybody, we only got one this week. Oh, we only got one. Strap yourselves in. Here we go. Stamps.com, everybody. A quick trip to the post office is hardly ever quick. Driving there, finding parking, you know, trying to get there before they close, right? You go to stick it in the mailbox, you freak out as everything got the stamps on it and all that crap, right? It's a hassle. So do what I do. Use Stamps.com instead. Stamps.com is quick and is the quick and easy way to get

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Right now, use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R, for a special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. They're giving you 55 bucks. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. All right. Back to the podcast. Back to the podcast. Did you guys watch the UFC fight? GSP versus Nick Diaz. I believe his name was Nick. I go in and out of watching the UFC. I love it. I love the UFC. I love boxing. I love all that stuff. It's just that all the pay-per-views are Saturday night. Am I right? It's Saturday night and I'm usually doing shows and I miss them. I always end up missing them. But every once in a

while, what happens is, I used to watch it on the versus network all the time and I don't give a fuck what level UFC that is. It's two people trying to beat the shit out of each other that are way better fighting than I am. I'm not going to watch that. What am I going to watch? Five whores in the back of a limo on the way to a titty bar talking about how they don't want to make a fucking sandwich. You know? Well, then get your ass on the stage, sweetheart. Oh, that's the third sexist moronic one. Oh, God, that fucking, that girl really annoyed me. That woman was happy. She was making sandwiches and this girl is such a fucking negative cunt. It's not enough that she's fucked up her own relationship. She has to fuck this girl's relationship and ruin this guy's time. He's

he's going to come home and be like, what the fuck happened? Everything was going great. And then she's going to come at him with an attitude, you know, not bringing two nickels into the fucking relationship, you know? I don't know. All right, let's let's let's just let it go, Bill. Let's just fucking let it go. I mean, I don't know. Maybe maybe she's making millions on her reality show. I can tell you right now, they probably make less than comedians. Let me ask you this, people. When was the last time you bought a box set of a reality show? I don't think they exist. That's why they're like disposable. That's like the big lighter of fucking television shows. It doesn't have any legs, you know?

So they pay you once, pay you once and they pay your shit money. You know what? Good. I'm glad they're all getting fucked, spending all their money on fucking manny petties. Jesus Christ. Is this am I really that upset about a reality show? Or is it the fact that half of my house is fucking gutted right now? Couldn't even say house have my house. Anyways, so every once in a while, this is the thing for me. I am a sucker for a boxing or a UFC promo, you know, when they get on there and they do the background, they show both the fighters working out and they start telling their stories and everything that they have on the line and how they need. I swear to God, if I start watching one of those fucking things, I'm ordering

the fight to the point like I avoid them. I avoid them because so many times you fucking order them and then the fight sucks. You know, it doesn't live up to the hype, you know, especially with boxing. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. I've spent more fucking money on all the way back to the Tyson era. The Tyson ones were always worth their money, even though he'd knock them out in fucking 90 seconds. It was still like you were watching some Babe Ruth shit. You knew it, you know, then we went into the Lennox, Lewis years and it just got all fucked up. Even half the Oscar De La Jolla ones towards the end, I got fucked on those, you know, and then they always got that great white hope coming in, you know, and they show him, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, who

right? And he's skipping rope and he's got an angry fucking look on his face. He's looking at him going, this guy kicked the shit out of me, right? And then the black guy's all confident like, hey, he's winning that motherfucker. And you're like, you know what, I'm going to order this shit and what comes out already tight, tight, tight. And that's it. It's fucking over. It's fucking over. You know, he wasn't fast enough. You knew he was too slow. You know it, but they got you. They fucking hyped the shit up and the fucking dude sat there. Not only did it beat his ass, he did a little dance mocking him and then he just knocked him the fuck out. That's what happens every goddamn time, right? But I still order them. So the UFC thing like you have she

championship in the world. So I fucking watch I'm watching Dana White on there, right? And Dana White comes to the podium, and I'm going, Bill, don't watch this fucking promo. Do not watch this promo because the second you're done watching this, you're going to take 50, 60 bucks, whatever it is, and it's going out the window. But there was something about the look on Dana White's face. I'm like, I got to watch this shit. And it comes to the mic, you know, just the mic and he's just like GSP snapped today. It is the most angry I've ever seen him. He said Nick Diaz is the most disrespectful human being on the planet. And he is going to absolutely destroy him. Something like that. Okay, and I'm thinking like GSP, this guy's like the

fuck. He's like Captain America. He never gets mad at anybody. He doesn't let anybody get under his skin. He fucking stays. He's like a robot. He just fucking goes in and does what he's got to do. He's made him that man. And then I see this Nick Diaz guy, and he just looked he just looks the part like fuck you, bitch. I'll fuck you up. And it was just the two worlds, the guy who spikes the football and the guy who just hands it to the referee colliding. I got to see this shit. I want to see what a furious fucking GSP looks like. And I want to see if this other guy can actually back up all this shit talking. So I order the fucking fight. It ends up being a great fight. I'm not saying that I got fucked on this fight at all. It's totally worth it. And the fight before

it was great with that dude from Texas with the heavy hands and the fucking Ulysses s grant beard. Loved it. Okay, but this is what pissed me off at the fucking end of it and made me feel stupid. Was in the end, you know, Rogan's interviewing the guy. And then they won't he was going, you know, he seemed like you got really angry and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he just goes, you know, and I was waiting for him to be like saying like this guy is a piece of shit. And I'm glad I fucking beat him. And I was waiting for finally see that side of a minute. He just goes, uh, GSP just like, I did not take anything. He said, personally, he has a great fighter. He did a great job promoting the fight. Everybody give him a round of applause. He is

he is a good guy. It's like, wait a minute. I thought you snapped. I thought you did take it personal. Am I that fucking stupid? I felt like a fucking idiot. I did not take it personally. It's like George, however you say his name, the whole reason I fucking ordered the fight was because I thought you took it personally. I'm an idiot. I'm like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. I fall for it every fucking time. Now maybe it's because he won or maybe because he's so aware of his, his image that he just didn't let on that the guy annoyed the shit out of him. But this fucking sitting there holding each other's arms up, man, you know, at inches, I don't know. He absolutely snapped today. Fast forward. I did not take it personally. He is a great guy. Come

over here. Uh, we are going to go play shuffleboard now. He is a great guy. He is a good competitor and, uh, and then the other guy's going like, yeah, I think I'm done with the, uh, MMA. I've done, you know, I'm sick of this. I don't know what to do now. And then George is in the background. No, no, no, stick with it. You got, uh, you, you can, uh, you can come back. He's like giving him words of encouragement. I don't know. Am I an idiot, but that fucking annoyed me. Don't fucking tell me this guy's taken it personally. And then I ordered the fight and then the fucking guy said he wasn't. That's false advertising. I'm just fucking around. It was a great fight. But you know what I mean? Don't look, I know that just sell on the fight,

but don't fucking tell me that. Everything we said up until this point was bullshit. I'm actually friends with him and his wife. We go down to Applebee's every other day. We do not take it personally. Um, whatever. It was still a great fight. And, uh, you know, I got to keep saying that in case I fucking run into one of those guys and they headbutt me with their fucking cauliflower. Like they ears, even their ears are tough, you know, every time I watch a UFC event, you know what it is? It's the fucking kicks. That's what kills me as amazing as it is to watch somebody who's on the bottom, getting fucking taken elbows to the head and fucking actually looking over at the clock,

like 17 more seconds to this. I can handle it. Maybe if I bring my bloody forehead closer to his chest, um, he will only maybe graze the back of my head and you know, I have fresh skin back there that hasn't been broken wide open at this point. Like the level of toughness that that is, that that's a whole nother level. But when they're just standing up and the fucking one dude just kicks the other dude, right where you'd get a Charlie horse and they just take it, that fucking blows like, how do you get that tough? Dude, I'm tight right now. If I was standing in line at a fucking grocery store in some eight year old, I had pants on and some eight year old came up to me and just fucking whacked me,

punched me and I'm in a punch. I could take a punch from an eight year old. All right, let's, let's move it up here. A fucking an eight year old whose dad is like six, nine, so the kids already five fucking four. I'm just saying any, if you ever want to just fucking knock me down, you don't have to be all fancy and hit me in the jaw. Just hit me in the leg right there. I will crumple like the fucking plaster in the ceiling of my office. Um, everything just goes back to that, doesn't it? Um, what else? What else can we talk about here? Probably we talk hockey. Did anybody watch the Bruins pens game, penguins game? They put on a fucking four checking clinic. They, uh, they were amazing. They look great. And the fact that

Gino isn't even back yet was, uh, was pretty scary. I mean, we have a great defense, so we were able to keep it two to one, but it felt like it was more like three, three one, like a back in the day, three one, when three one was like the tipping point. Cause then if you went down by three goals, it was fucking over. There was no way you were coming back. Then they got rid of the red line. And then, you know, within a minute, it's like a tie fucking score, but, um, they look great. And Crosby is without a doubt the best player in the fucking league. It's insane. That fucking line that they have is terrifying. And, uh, the only thing I'd say is there, maybe they're goal tending. I guess it's, they're starting to play better, but

I don't know about their goal tending. I don't know. Either way, either way, they beat us again. We finally beat the capitals. That was cool. But we, we're missing a Crosby level. Nobody's a Crosby's level, but you know, we need a fucking 50 potential 50 goal scoring guy. Um, we need, we need a next level guy. We got a defense. That's all good. We got the goal tending. That's all good. But like this whole shit where we're going to score two fucking goals a game and try to stop these upper echelon teams. It's just, it's not working. It's not fucking working. You know, it's great that anybody watched the capitals game. Course you did. Did you see when that, that dude was at Henderson or something, got kicked out? What

the fuck his name is? He gets kicked out of the game and some Boston Bruins fan is screaming down at him to the point the guy stops and starts yelling back at him. You got to see, I got a, Oh, did I erase? I think I erased it. If anybody's got a copy of it, it's a fight about with like five minutes left in the game and one of the capitals gets taken off the ice. Oh, is it the end of the second period? I don't fucking know. All you know is you got to see the, the bouncer, the security guy who's in, in like the tunnel and he fucking comes walking out and just clears day. He starts pointing at the Bruins fan and he goes, Hey, shut your fucking mouth, shut your fucking and then they, they cut it. I love it. I love seeing highlights of where I'm

from and seeing the behavior hasn't changed. It makes me feel smarter. Um, all right, let's get to some emails for the week. Now a lot of you guys always ask me and I always forget to say, you know, if you want to email the podcast, you want to ask me questions, you want to trash me, you want to do whatever the hell you want to do. Uh, it's bill at the mm podcast.com bill at the capital M capital M capital P, oddcast.com. Um, all right. Army wife relocation. Hey there, Bill. Uh, I hope your house is feeling better. Thank you. Um, it's actually, it's been gutted. It's been gutted at this point. That's where we're at. Um, I hope your house is feeling better. I am an army wife currently living in butt fucking Berg, Kansas. We are stationed at Fort Riley until

July this year when my sweetheart heads over, heads on over to Afghanistan. My conundrum is where should I move when he leaves because I sure as hell ain't staying here by myself at any moment. I heard a fat dirty pajama bottom wearing Walmart shoppers with black bottom feet. Jesus, can you paint a picture? Um, said, could lynch me for being brown and under 300 pounds. I got to get out of here and thankfully I am fortunate to have two choices of where to go and therein lies the reason that I need your assistance. Um, I could move back to Seattle where I lived two years ago. It's all true about Seattle, by the way, beautiful, clean, white, depressing, rainy, better than Kansas. Or I could go to Fort Lauderdale, Florida,

where I have never lived, but I just visited last week. It's a little scary because I haven't driven like a complete retard with crystal meth throwing through my veins. So I don't know if I can handle myself on the road, but aside from that, it's got just as much going on, going for me there is Seattle and it's not fucking Kansas. Uh, I think that with all your travels, you must have some insight that you could really, you could relay loudly to me through your podcast. Um, if I, well personally, I would pick Seattle over Fort Lauderdale, Florida any day of the fucking week, but people are smarter. Um, you don't have the hurricanes. Like Florida is like a destination state for dirtbags. You know what I mean?

It's, it's one of those like LA is a destination city for people like me. You know, I'm going to be a movie star. I would have dumb shit we want to do, right? So we come out here, you know, and then bitch about how flaky everybody is. And when the reality is it's us, you know, we're the ones coming out here and we don't, we're not personally invested. Nobody's invested in this fucking city. Um, cause you always think I'm going to make my money and then I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Um, that's, and everybody's trying to make their money. So they're always looking over everybody's shoulder, trying to see the next person coming in the fucking room. And, while they say everybody out here is flaky, but anyways, getting back to what you were talking

about, I would go to Seattle. Seattle's fucking beautiful. I know it raids. I know it's fucking depressing, but, um, Fort Lauderdale. I don't know, man. I mean, the fact that it's like it, don't let people go down there for spring break. Do you want that for like one month of your year? You know, waking up in the morning here and show your tits show your tits. Do you want to do? You don't want to do that. You know, you got fucking hurricanes. There's alligators. They got mosquitoes the size of my fucking head. Um, I don't know. I mean, you understand. All I do is I fly in and I do a fucking gig down near like the strip mall area and like, I don't know. I like the Tampa Bay lightning

and I like the devil race. I don't know. Like Florida is, is, is, is kind of like sunny Kansas in a way. You kind of still got the gun culture. You kind of still got the Walmart people. Um, I'm not saying they're all like that. You know what I mean? I mean, Tiger Woods lives there. Right. Shaq has a place down. There's some zillionaires down. Then you got, you got the fucking all the movie stars living down there in Miami, but Fort Lauderdale. Um, I don't know. That's safe to say because I don't fucking play there and I play Seattle. So I think I made a smart business move there. Personally, I would move to Seattle. Yeah, fuck that. Move to Seattle. Go down to the fish market, get yourself a fucking

clam sandwich. What the fuck you do? I don't know. I, you know, I don't know. I don't fucking know. You got like on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Listen, were you unbelievably depressed? If it's cloudy fucking nine months out of the year, then I wouldn't move there, but I'm just letting you know. I saw a t-shirt, one of the few really, truly funny t-shirts when I was in Florida. It said Florida, a sunny place for shady people. You know, it's kind of like, you know, Florida is the sunny Alaska. I guess is what I should call it. Well, there's a lot of people in Alaska who have some unfinished business down here in the lower 48. If you know what I mean, wink, wink, little slap of the nose there. All right. There's a lot

of people, uh, running from things, you know, if the skaters don't get them, then the gators will. What fucking song was that? That just popped in my head. Hang down your head, Tom Dooley. Was that the one? Hang down your head and cry. Bow, bow, bow, bow, hang down. I wasn't there. Oh boy, you're bound to die. That's funny back then. You could have like a hit song just talking about somebody who killed a woman and then got hung. Hang down your head, Tom Dooley. That's the song about it. Hang down your head, you know, like I'm supposed to feel bad for Tom Dooley. It's like you fucking killed, you killed your girlfriend. Go fuck yourself, Tom. All right, addicted to vagina. The next one, everybody.

How's it going there, Billy? Boy, I'm 22-year-old college student. You're not addicted to vagina. You're a 22-year-old college student. You're doing what you should be doing. You don't have an addiction, all right? Uh, what are you, you're sowing your oats. What the fuck they say? Um, I've been seeing this girl for a while, nothing serious, but we've been hooking up on and off for about a year. All right, so you got a side piece. Nothing wrong with that. Um, she's incredible looking. What the hell am I? She has the natural body of a playboy model. She's the kind of girl who doesn't need makeup. Are you going to keep saying the same thing over and over again? I'm jealous, you son of a bitch. Um, she has long blonde hair and she's the most

amazing fuck that can possibly exist. Oh, this is the curse of a guy. However, I want to fuck somebody else, right? She's ferocious in bed. What is she growl at your balls? Easy lady. Easy. Um, and for some reason she thinks we're in the same league. He goes, but I hate her. I hate everything about her. Every contrived opinion that falls out of her soft, perfect lips. Every shitty band she tries to get me to listen to every unfunny air quote joke. She insists on repeating over and over and over every going to nowhere stories. She spends five hours telling me. I hate her. Oh my God. Ah, but I just keep agreeing to to see her. I've manned up and stopped replying to her text messages a few times now and blocked

her on Facebook. But before long, she'll send me a text about some nonsense. The blood will start rushing to my cock and all of a sudden I'm standing next to her again. It's like a compulsion. I feel like a heroin addict. I get laid, but fucking other girls just feels like drinking non-alcoholic beer at this point. Can I just stop and say a lot of you guys are really good writers. Like that Kansas one was written really well. This was great. Like I would be should be in Reader's Digest. They would fucking, you know, loosen the belt a little. Anyways, what do I do? Man up and suppress my instincts, throw her out the bedroom window or quit cold turkey. I never miss the podcast. Love to go see you do a gig in Ireland. Go fuck yourself.

What do you do? You know what? I was, I've never been able to solve that problem. You know, because unless you just jerked off, you know, she's going to text you and it's just going to, it's going to be a layup and she's gore. Guys can't say no to layup pussy. We just can't, you know, unless we like head over heels and love. And like, I guess, yeah, when you meet the right one, then you can say no, but you know what? It still pisses you off. Fucking annoys you. You know why? Because like when you're with the person you're supposed to be with and then somebody throws you a little something and it could fucking happen and you

don't fucking do it. You come home and you want to get credit for it. And women go, why should you get credit for something that you should be doing? And it's like, you know what? Go fuck yourself. Because go fuck yourself. That's why, because you're not me. You're not a guy. And we are literally, we're designed to be weak. So we will fuck you so we could get out of the cave so we could fucking progress. So we would procreate. We are wired, wired to fuck. This is such a moronic fucking podcast. I love it. All right, so what should you do? All right, well, ultimately in life, what do you want to be married to? The woman of your dreams? Or some girl who's ferocious in bed? But you fucking can't stand everything that comes out of her mouth. You got to get rid of this girl.

All right. It's not going to get any better. You did it a zillion times. All right, you got to go cold turkey. You got to cut her off. All right, because what's going to happen is if you stay with her and then you end up fucking getting feelings for her, she might fuck you over. And you never loved her to begin with or you get married to her and then then the fucking looks go away and then you just with this fucking idiot who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories and listens to shitty music and eventually you're going to pull a Phil Specter. That's what I'm going to, you know, your hair is going to be all over the place. You're going to stick a gun in your mouth. It's going to be horrible. You don't want to do that. All right. I would, what is hard though is just

saying she's so good in bed that it makes all the other girls seem like non-alcoholic beer. Well, you know, that's one of the, that's one of the dangers of going out and living life is people who never leave their hometown. They just fucking stay there. They don't know what the fuck they're missing. So they can actually in a way, you know, live a happier existence just by not fucking knowing. The fact is now, you know, you know a level of, of banging that you didn't know before. Oh Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah, you know, you're in trouble, sir. I can tell you this, you know, just standing outside of it, listening to it, you got to get rid of her. You can't stand her. Just get rid of her. You just fucking her. Eventually those tits

are going to fucking sag. But that was that mouth still going to work. Okay. And when she's not blowing you, she's going to be telling you awful stories. So you know what you need to do. So there you go. I would just man up and get rid of it. And it's like, I don't know, the longer you get away from it, you know, here's a great thing. You know what? I don't know. Next time you fucking rub one out, think of her immediately afterwards. All right. And that's going to be your true fucking feeling about her. All right. Facebook messages. Hey, Billy, I need your help dealing with the girlfriend issue. I have been seeing my lady since December. I'm 30 and she is 27. That's a good fucking age difference. I like it. She lived in the city and I lived in the country.

We started as a long distance relationship, but it got serious quickly. And now she has moved back home. She's what is this fucking green acres? But up, but up, but she is busy buying her own house, but has stayed with me for the last two weeks. We've talked about me moving in with her. We tell each other I love you and we're making plans for the future, etc. etc. So today I log onto my computer and her Facebook page is still logged in. Oh, this is a whole new world, man. The Facebook thing. Me being a curious creep, I started snooping. In the message section, I find a conversation she's had with the former boyfriend. On February 1st, she tells the guy, I still miss your face. Done. It's over. Walk away. Walk away. Like De Niro and he just fucking get up and walk out.

It's over. I don't need, I don't even need to read the rest of this, sir. It is fucking over. But I'll keep reading it just because I have to fill up an hour here. But I know, you know, the people listen and know. Anyways, he goes, I don't see any response from the guy. Then on February, February 11th, she trolls out another message. I love how now you're stalking her Facebook page as well. You should. You had probable cause. You never did. No, you were a creep. And then you find, you know what? This one stand up in court cause you didn't have a warrant. But you know what? You got instinct and you can't teach that. Anyways, she trolls out another message that say, hope all is well. And again, no response.

Yeah, dude, she's settling for you. I hate to tell you that, but she's settling for you. What she's trying to do is, is if this motherfucker goes, you know, I miss your face too, she's out. All right. But if he doesn't, he doesn't get back to her, she's going to settle for you. Okay. And I'm not saying you're a bad person. I'm just saying the feeling isn't there. She's settling for you, which means the entire time of your fucking marriage, every time you're not looking at her, she's just going to be staring at the back of your head, looking at your dumb shoulders, something just going like, how the fuck did I end up with? How did I fuck that other one up? You know, you don't want to be that.

You got to get somebody who's crazy about you. Anyways, here we go. There were some previous somewhat explicit messages they sent back and forth before we got together and messages about how they should text instead of Facebook. All that being said, she is good to all that being said. However, everybody, she is good to me. I'm good to her and we have fun, a fun, loving relationship. I had solid trust and now I'm very confused. How should I approach her with this? I know if I keep it to myself, it's going to fester and really piss me off. Would you head for the hills immediately or give the relationship a chance? Thanks and go fuck yourself. This is what I would do. I would be

100% honest with her. Say, listen, I gotta be honest with you. What the fuck is today? The 18th? About a month and a half ago, I went to use the computer and your Facebook page was open. And even though I shouldn't have looked, I did look. And then she's going to start crying and she's going to start fucking, she's going to turn a fucking cap around backwards and get in your face and start screaming and yell, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fuck all of that. Fuck all of that. She's going to comment you like that because she knows what's coming. All right. And don't get mad. Don't take the fucking bait. This is the time, sir. You have to hang on to

your fucking emotion. She's going to cry or she's going to yell or she's going to do both because she knows what the, how could you still, well, you didn't trust me anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and you don't have the line that they have where they just, you know, female intuition, they get to hide behind that, you know, like, like guys don't have any fucking instincts. Like we weren't blessed with any of that, you know, fucking chasing down sabertooth tigers with sharpened sticks. Like we weren't, we weren't blessed with any sort of instinct. Give me a fucking break. All right. So anyway, she's going to cry or she's going to yell or she's going to do fucking both and you just stand there and you let her do it. All right. And when she's

done yelling and crying or whatever the fuck it is, just say, yeah, and I saw a message that you wrote to an old boyfriend saying, I still miss your face, you know, and then you tried to contact them again on the 11th and it's been bugging me and I didn't want to bring this up to you because I didn't want to look like a creep and I didn't want to hurt your feelings that I don't trust you, but you obviously still have feelings for this person. And I guess you're settling for me. Like if this guy doesn't get back to you, then you're going to move forward with and settle for me. And that's not what I want. I want someone who's crazy about me and doesn't have other issues. You seem to have unresolved stuff with this guy. And, you know, I'm not getting any younger. So

you know, and then she's breaking up with me and all this shit and just keep going. Listen, there's a face that you miss sweetheart and it's not mine. You know, sir, take your heart and stick it on the fucking nightstand and go into your brain. All right. Get some self esteem here. This is fucking bullshit. All right. All that being said, she's good to me. She's not good to you. Not a hundred percent. All right. I'm telling you, get out of it. Get out of it. Fuck that. All right. Did I make myself clear? All right. Next one. UFOs. Dude, my question is in here somewhere. Oh, for fuck's sakes. I got to read all of this. Brace yourselves, everybody.

Dude, did I tell you guys I fucking got on the goddamn scale? And I'm 185. I was all the way down to 170 pounds. I fucking, I was too skinny then. I should have been like 172. That's my fighting weight. I put on 13 fucking pounds. I think, you know, you know what's the dumbest thing you can do is when you don't want to get on the scale, you know, I should get on the scale. Good. No, don't because I don't want to know that you're just signing yourself off to another fucking 10 fucking pounds. I had a waffle witch in Wisconsin. What the fuck was I thinking? I was on that crack again. I was hitting the pipe. I was doing the sugar, salt fucking arm wrestle. You know, so now I got to, I got to go, I got to go run the

fucking stairs now. I did that to myself because I had a fucking waffle witch in Grand Rapids, fucking with Michigan. It wasn't just the waffle witch. I had McDonald's twice. You know, why did I have McDonald's? I don't know. I don't know why I did. I went drive. I was like, you know, I had one of those in a while and I fucking, you know, hit the pipe again. Had that. I started drinking Miller High Life in a fucking can. They had the talls right down the street and it became like this ritual. I watch a hockey game. I throw back a tall, you know. Hey, they may be up too. Next thing you know, I'm having one a period and then I'm looking down on my stomach and I'm going like, nah, really? Come on. This isn't, I'm all right. I had a banana

for breakfast, right? I'm fine. Asshole. I'm a fucking asshole. Hey, a piece of cake yesterday. I had green frosting. What the fuck is wrong with me? What am I doing? You know, when am I going to bottom out? So I bottomed out. So now I'm back. I'm down to about a buck 82. I dropped like a couple, two or three pounds and you know, that's fucking moron. I'm moron. You know, I'm like, I'm like Bill Clinton before the heart attack up and down, up and down with the fucking weight. All right, UFOs. Dude, my question is in here somewhere. I am nowhere near a conspiracy freak or anything like that, but I do admit I get a hard on for any documentary on that secret military base in Nevada that is called area 51. The government is supposed, well, I mean,

believe me in aliens, like, I don't know that that's really not that crazy. You know, you think like how big the fucking universe is? There's just life on one planet, no life anywhere else, despite the fact that they see evidence of water on Mars at some point. You know, I'm telling you guys, we're not that special. If you're God and you made the whole universe, I'm just going to sit back watching one fucking planet. Maybe that's why the earth is so fucked up. I don't think he's been watching us for the last couple of thousand. When was the last time he reached out? Reach out, reach out, reach someone out. All right. When was the last time he fucking did that? When was the last time he was in a burning

bush going, hey, hey, you there, you there with the long fucking curvy stick next to the sheet. Come over here. Come over to the burning bush. You know, when was the last time he did that? I think he's been watching other earths, um, flipping through the channels. You know, can you imagine how clear his fucking, how big do you think God's flat screen TV is? How clear is that picture? I bet even if you make it to heaven, you know, you don't even get to see it. Like he comes out of his office and you try to peek in real quick. And like the human eye, you get just, it's just too much of a fucking glare, right? Um, so anyways, yeah, if you believe in aliens, I mean, I mean, I don't know that we can reach one another. You know, that whole flying

saucer fucking horseshit. I mean, how long can you go with artificial breathe, you know, some sort of atmosphere in there? It was like on Star Trek. I mean, they just had this limitless supply of fucking oxygen. Just fucking flying through space. Now look at them. They landed on a lot of planets that had oxygen. They would just land on these planets and they just had oxygen. I think what they did was they opened the date landed the Starship Enterprise and they just opened the windows and they got some more oxygen and then they flew away, right? Isn't that how it works? Anyways, the government supposedly is housing and researching crashed UFOs and uses deadly force to keep regular people out. Do you have any opinion on the subject? I think I just said,

I mean, I don't fuck. Do I think they actually have the bodies of aliens? Do you realize like the level of secrecy you would have to have if you actually had that shit? That would be like one of the things before they went in the room. It's like, okay, we're going to let you in this room and you got to understand when you go in this room, the door is closing and you're never getting out because you're going to see some fucking shit in here that I don't give a fuck. You're not, if you have one shot of Nyquil, you're going to be blabbering about it. You can't do it. So I don't know. I don't fucking know. Um, anyways, he goes, what does your bullshit meter say? I think there's way too much of a

veil of secrecy around the place to think otherwise. I used to know someone who was a career Air Force pilot. Whenever the subject of that base or those mysterious flights, mysterious lights over Phoenix seen in 1997 came up, he completely removed himself from the conversation. Those mysterious lights, I don't even know what you're talking about. For all you know, they're just testing some psycho fucking weaponry. You know, really when the new Yankee Stadium came out in like 08 or 09 and they were like, we have 2013 technology. All right. If those fucking morons that run that place can have shit that we're not going to have, you know, they can be four, five years ahead of us. Can you imagine what the government is? I mean, they got to have shit from

like, I don't know, 2014. I have no fucking idea. I don't know. Anyways, he says quite frankly, the evening's laughs would end right after the topic was brought up. I believe in life outside of our universe to think that we human and all of us in habitants are the only life anywhere is just plain ignorant. I 100% agree with that. I'm sure you've heard stories about President Nixon secretly showing UFOs and aliens to his favorite comedian Jackie Gleason. That's a complete crock of shit. What would you like he's going to do that? All right. Now I'm now I'm not supposed to show you that I know I'm not supposed to show you yourself. And away we go. That was a bad Nixon impression right there. What would happen if you were shown some stuff

like that? I imagine I would immediately be microchipped or shot in the back of the fucking head. Would you tell about it? I wouldn't want to know about that. That if I actually found out about that, it would blow my fucking mind. I you know what it is? Look, maybe that maybe your Air Force guy buddy there has seen some because I would say that like all conversation. No, but you know what he laughs right up until that moment. If he wasn't laughing at all throughout all your conversation, then I would I would believe it more because I know if I knew some shit like that and then I would sit there and listening to people talking about God and holy shit that we believe down here that didn't include

aliens I would I would feel like a fucking alien because I would be like yeah we're just a speck of dust fair people and there's all this other stuff out there and yeah it would drive me nuts after a while. Yeah no I'm not cut out for that fucking the kind of secrets I can keep are like you know you know it stays in the locker room kind of shit you know what I mean you live your life I you want to fucking live your life you know until like if you're uh look if you're pouring shit into the water supply you know if you're doing stuff like that if you're fucking vandalizing the neighborhood I live in then go fuck yourself all right but you know the other bullshit I look

the other way but if I knew there was fucking aliens yeah no this look I'm too fucking stupid there's no way they would tell it to me if I was in the air force how far into the air force you think I would get do you think I'd get anywhere beyond the guy with the two sticks guy in the fucking plane in you know I don't know anyways he says black hawks first Bruins for the 2013 Stanley Cup Hawks and Fives maybe six uh I don't see us making the Stanley Cup finals I hate to say that unless we make a trade I know we're looking for Alfredson but I don't know who we're going to give up for him but uh I saw a gap between us and the uh the Pittsburgh penguins I'd be interested to see how those are some of the other teams I'm going to start watching the

penguins I'm waiting to see when they play the Canadians because I want to see if the Canadians are as good as their record because they're fucking killing it right now they really are um oh by the way that almost made me stop rooting for GSP when the crowd started going oh lay oh lay oh lay oh lay and the only thing that saved me was he had the Quebec Nordique fucking tattoo on the back of his cap so oh my god this guy fucking he likes the avalanche all right Belinsky many times you said we're all doomed because of overpopulation but it's actually the opposite we are doomed because people are not having enough children oh geez okay from uh oh Jesus did you join a culture all right you know what I'll go along with this

the following article discusses what I'm talking about we'll put this link up on the podcast page for everybody to read essentially America's fertility rate is declining meaning the population will get older and older as it also shrinks meaning more healthcare costs and fewer reasons for businesses to innovate and provide better products also global population growth is slowing to a halt and will begin to shrink within 60 years I don't know where you're getting your stats from sir but uh okay low fertility societies don't innovate because their incentives for consumptions tilt overwhelmingly toward healthcare they don't invest aggressively because the average age skewing higher and capital shifts to preserving but that but that but that but that but deep sir are you

addressing are you ever going to address what the environment are you going to address what we've done to the environment or are you one of those people who believes that seven billion people on this planet okay and that horseshit out there in the pacific ocean that's fucking two and a half times the size of texas and two miles deep that's swirling pile of trash out there we put a fucking hole in the ozone layer okay less people as far as for the survival of humanity okay fuck all selling widgets and all of that horseshit and oh well everybody's going to be on the iron lung if we don't have babies um a bunch of people need to die they need to die off there's way too many fucking people there's only so much fresh water there's only so much natural resources there's only so much fish

you can pull out of the ocean there's only so much fucking shit you can throw in the ocean before there's that tipping point tipping point um what you're sending me sir is not facts what you're sending me is an angle this is this guy's and i will read this angle okay but what i love is that someone has written that that you know um overpopulation you're like many times you said that we're all doing because of overpopulation but it's actually the opposite what because this guy says so so the other smart people that read the wrote those other studies they're immediately all full of shit because this other guy said this you know did you read the shit that i read because i'll read your thing but um i think the problem is is that human beings will never stop

believing that we're we're fucking important and that we're made in god's image and all that other fucking ego maniac shit that eventually causes you to have fucking eight kids and go out and buy two flat screen fucking tv's the solution sir is not more people okay i mean think about it what were we doomed back in the day a thousand years ago what was the world population then were we doomed we somehow survived how are we not going to survive sir because of these healthcare costs we have a national debt that we're never gonna fucking pay we're still all going to work every day people still have apples in their mouths when they want them i don't understand what the fuck you're saying the greatest thing that could happen for the possible i believe for the survival

of humanity is if there was way less of us way fucking less way way way fucking less all right and if you somehow were able to weed out sociopaths along the fucking way and selfish cunts i think if you just weeded out sociopaths and selfish cunts you'd have the right number on this planet and i think it would be under seven figures whatever sir i'm just fucking with you i'll i'll read your your i'll read your shit you know but don't come at me like you fucking know what you're talking about any more than i do because you read some stupid article all right um i love how it's all based around business low fertility societies don't innovate because their incentives for consumptions tilt overwhelmingly

towards healthcare uh i don't i don't i just in philosophy i just don't believe in it whatsoever all right but i am a moron but i think i'm smarter than you because i can admit that all right that's the podcast for this week everybody as always if you'd like to donate to this podcast just go to the amazon link on my podcast page billbird.com click on the podcast page you just click on the amazon link if you want to buy something it'll take your right to amazon doesn't add any money they kick me a little bit of money for whatever you buy and then i take a 10 percent of that and i send it on to the wounded warriors project and that's it that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves and i will hopefully this time next week i will find

myself uh somebody knows how to put together my house the way it used to be if anybody lives in the los angeles area and has lived through this shit and wanted to restore the wood and everything to the way it was and you know know if a contractor or somebody please uh send me an email bill at the mmpodcast.com look me up on twitter facebook anything reach out to me i am i'm open to all suggestions and i really appreciate everybody who's helped me so far to steer me in the right direction it means a lot to me all right go fuck yourselves we'll talk to you next week