Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-20

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

Bill rambles about the upside of a pandemic, the Cheesecake Factory, and the thigh master.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrd it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday

Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you during the pandemic keeping it up keeping it positive all of these fucking gloom and doom assholes what does this mean what does this mean for America do you realize this is the most comfort you could in the history of the fucking world that people have ever rode out a pandemic which would have been a fucking epidemic back in the day. Jesus Christ can you imagine renting an apartment from the fucking Aster family a hundred years ago living down in a fucking basement with 22 other fucking Polish German fucking all kinds of fucking people sitting there in the damp recesses of some shit hole no central

air conditioning no heat everybody getting fucking tuberculosis nobody given a fuck dying alone down there with your knickers on as the guy next to you is like why are you on a right what's the problem huh you got to jump in the shower after you take a shit I mean that's the worst fucking problem you have here's the thing I don't know how long this is going to fucking last all right but it's going to feel like twice as long if people are fucking whining about it quit your fucking whining and I'm not talking about people who are broke I'm not talking about poor people I'm talking about people who are fucking fine you're just bored you're bored do you think you'd be bored if you were fucking in that

basement apartment with TB fighting off fucking polio I don't think you'd be bored I think your heart would be racing starting to get texting all my friends oh my god are you going stir crazy yet I'm having a fucking blast I'm having a great time I feel like I still live at home with my parents way back in the day no job no fucking responsibility just laying around my dad resenting the free time you know take I'm gonna tell you something right now everybody here who doesn't die or go bankrupt or starve to death is gonna look back someday fondly remember when we all got two months off wasn't that fucking great fucking hanging out you know all the babies that are gonna be born a lot of divorces too

but who's kid know a lot of fucking babies they'll be another baby boom here a bunch of little fucking babies running around after all of this just what we need more people but I'm just saying all right like don't don't miss out on this pandemic make sure you remember to enjoy it because what's gonna happen is what everybody wants my god I gotta get out of this house and go back to what what are you going back to your fucking job sit in fucking traffic what percentage of people have a dream job what percentage of fucking people actually want to go to that motherfucker again I know everybody needs to I understand you gotta make your fucking money all right you're gonna make your money it's gonna be

back what do you think's gonna happen we're just gonna sit inside and fucking five pounds of corned beef like me for the rest of your fucking life you're not everything has a beginning and a middle and an end all right don't live in the moment enjoy being in your fucking apartment or your house chilling the fuck out getting to watch an entire fucking series of some shit that you didn't have time what were you bitching about before this shit oh my god my fucking job sucks I can't fucking they don't listen to my ideas all this fucking bullshit I gotta get out of here well now you're out of there and now what are you doing bitching cuz you can't go there okay if you're one of those people you know what you're gonna

do you're gonna marry somebody someday and you know what you're gonna do you're gonna wear them out cuz you're never gonna be happy you're not happy at work you're not happy when you're quarantined if you can't find happiness in either one of those existences I think it's time you look in the mirror you know and figure out what your fucking problem is why did I just say all that cuz I got one annoying text from a friend of mine people keep asking me how you're holding up I'm fine I have food I have water I have a roof over my head I am fine boo fucking who I can't go walk down the goddamn street these fucking people that built this goddamn country after they murdered all the fucking Native Americans

and made fucking African slaves these fucking people kidding for the most part you just fucking you lived in your kid go outside you went outside you had your fucking head on a swivel at any goddamn moment some fucking bear mountain lion God knows what could just come up and take you or your kids or maybe the people who were on the land first regrouped they wanted to come there kick the shit out of you break you on a fucking wagon wheel and then cut the top of your head off you think when they were sitting in their log cabin they were going back and rewatching the fucking wire they weren't having nine kids cuz he knew six of them were gonna die fucking whining bunch of fucking goddamn that's what this is my first pandemic I hope it's my last

pandemic yeah because I fucking sick of listening to people whining about shit and who's next to start whining the fucking cheesecake factory these goddamn murderers these fucking drug dealers of diabetes have the fucking balls to fucking sit here they can't even write out a goddamn month all the fat fucks that they've created these zombie diabetic fucking drug users the drug is fucking cake and I know cuz I'm a former user they're fucking bitch mode the cheesecake factory tells landlords across the country won't be able to pay rent on April 1st already already you haven't sold enough fucking cake over the years and squirreled away the fucking money you fucking cunts you know why that is it's because the fucking pieces of shit at the top of that fucking goddamn food

chain literally are taking too much money they're making too much fucking money if the fucking cheesecake factory can't go fucking two and a half fucking weeks without selling cake before they can't make their fucking rent like they're a goddamn college student I don't I gotta go I gotta be asking them what the fuck are you doing with all that cake money you cannot roll a fat person three times you know around right one two three you're into a cheesecake factory cheesecake factories are fucking everywhere maybe they spread themselves too thin ironically as they make everybody so fucking fat it's so funny that they go around this goddamn country and they're trying to stop the bloods and crips but the cheesecake factory can post up on any fucking street corner out there

have a bunch of kids go in there every fucking Friday night like it's their birthday do you have any times I had cake as a kid I had it I'd have it went on my fucking birthday and then I would have it on my siblings birthdays that was it that's when you had cake you never had 52 fucking times a year that's why there's so many goddamn school buses going over fucking cliffs because the cheesecake factory has made these fucking kids so goddamn fat with 52 slices of fucking cheesecake every year okay the bus driver he's an animal lover squirrel comes out he goes to swirl around it and all these fat fucking bowling ball kids all go to one side of the bus it fucking fish tails right over the side they call it a tragedy and they blame the bus driver right and

then they sue the bus company you know because they're going for the money but they're not going after the right thing here it's places like this the cheesecake factory unbelievable subway the same way I mean the subway I mean it's a fucking walk-in closet you want that sub heated up and they stick it in that that fucking what do you what do you even call that thing it's not even an oven it's like one of those heaters people buy and then they fall asleep and then they wake up after they burned to death right and another dimension the space heater they have a fucking space heater you want that heated up and then they just they fucking the kid squats down and holds it over there these fucking cunts two goddamn weeks and not not fucking selling subs why don't

you just do fucking takeout unbelievable there's something I actually considered buying I was going you know maybe maybe that's a smart thing to do with my money you know now that white women have all the fucking power and due process is out the window and somebody just says you did something that means you do it you're fucking careers over I gotta get some money coming in outside of the fucking circus business I'm in so I was actually considering you know I was looking and in and out and I don't stick it up by one of those I was like all right I'll be a little fucking drug dealer I'll deal in salt and sugar the legal drugs right fuck it I'll do it hey man if I don't sell it someone else will man

and then I found out it was privately owned you know by a family then they won't fucking you know they don't franchise that out or whatever so I was like I fucked that you know I wasn't gonna do a subway because I fucking hate their sandwiches even way actually you know something when I was broke I used to eat it so I can't go back on that you know I used to get the six inch fucking uh would I get the six inch fucking Italian you know what kind of bread would you like I probably the Italian are you gonna get an Italian sandwich on fucking wheat bread you think I'm an animal here I cannot fuck I'm just joking around here I cannot fucking believe that these I don't buy it I think they're too big to be sued you know they can't go out of business nobody's going to

malls anymore anyways so they know they have leverage so they're like well fuck this if nobody's coming in we're not paying our rent that's what they're doing there's no fucking way the cheesecake factory have to fucking 11 days of not selling cake can't make their fucking rent okay maybe may I'll give you may but they can't they can't go one 11 days of people not eating cake and the whole fucking thing falls apart I'm calling bullshit I'm calling bullshit they're just gonna hang on to their money fucking sue us uh we'll file for fucking chapter 11 we'll just write ourselves all bonuses and we'll take all the cake money all right mall of America or you can ride this out with us which is what I've been lobbying for okay I just say the cake we all

know that our entire fucking the world economy is a fucking Ponzi scheme except for Iceland evidently everybody else's there's nothing behind your fucking money so just treat it like a video game just hit pause all right everybody just pauses nobody owes anybody anything everybody still owes the money they owe but nobody owes any more money nobody owes any more interest right interest right but you know what that would take that would take banks not being the heartless greedy cunts that they are that would take the president of the united states uh to actually be the most powerful person in the united states and look at the banks look at the federal reserve and say listen I'm the fucking POS here right press piece of shit no president what was it

POU SA is that how you say it POU SA president of POTS whatever the fuck it is I'm running shit I got a tie and wing tips on I got a bulletproof limousine I have a helicopter in a fucking jet you understand me and I'm not paying for any of the fuel I don't sit in traffic that's how powerful I am do you understand me I almost make as much a year as a youtube star does per month okay you fuckers are not charging interest during a pandemic because you're also americans right anyway I don't really understand what's going on with this whole bailout package trillion dollars I'm pressurizing but we give the fuck trillion nine zillion I don't give a

shit just keep the fucking thing afloat all right hang in there cheesecake factory this is somebody didn't know the cheesecake factory was founded in beverly hills in 1972 and maintains its original location on beverly drive with 39 locations in california in total it operates it operates how many think they have in total I was really shocked at how low this number is 294 but when you think about this 52 states all right 52 fucking states you only have one state capital they're in all the state capitals they have to be right but actually when you think about it I mean I mean god damn wait there's a whole bunch there's gotta be more than that right there's like fucking 15 in LA isn't there 39 locations in california okay it could be wrong

plus the districts of columbia Puerto Rico oh toronto canada in 2019 the company also acquired this is where this is where they started taking on weight they also acquired phoenix-based fox restaurants including north italia never heard of that flower child man never heard of that and the henry most of the companies landlords are malls including simon and westfield that sounds like a defunct comedy team in telling landlords that it will not be able to pay its rent the cheesecake factory essentially confirms that it is in the same position that many independent restauranters currently find themselves in they're not in the same position they're just holding on to their fucking cash where an independent person is probably more living

monthly okay if you're fucking independent restaurant i get that cheesecake factory they're like fuck you we ain't paying you nobody's buying our cake fuck you we're not paying you what are you gonna do we got 294 locations nobody's buying slacks at the mall anymore they're only coming here for cake you want us to walk because we'll fucking walk and you know all those people that own the fucking malls they're like going did you have a think that a bunch of fruit cake selling cake could play this level of hardball nobody saw that coming nobody saw that coming and i'm telling you right now that is the story that the media should be talking about right now how fucking gangsta the cheesecake factory is you will buy our cake you will buy it every day if

you do not buy our cake we will not pay rent you have 11 days to comply or we will shut down 294 malls across america your children will have no place to play video games your grandmothers if they live through the pandemic will have no place to buy their pants suits we own the malls we own america the cheesecake factory um that's gonna be interesting that's the story that i'm following all right i'm not gonna be fucking the waffle houses in trouble it's amazing that they could survive all of those shootings in fucking old school western saloon brawls you know but 11 days of not selling waffles to the public you know they finally had time to get the 58 layers of syrup off of everything in that fucking place you know what i mean

what is the overhead of a fucking waffle house god knows it's not in the signage you know that fucking piece of shit yellow sign with black lettering no sexy font waffle house it's not a house it's a store cheesecake factory not a factory all right these people they're lying in their names they're like a serial killer that wants to get caught um anyway i don't know i'm paying attention to this how you guys doing on your diet man are you fucking eating well are you doing a little prison workout inside your apartment huh are you gonna come out of this stronger or are you gonna be like one of these fucking

weak need fucking pussies out here that's gonna put 30 pounds on because you were too freaked out to stay in your goddamn apartment for 60 days what would you rather do 60 days in your apartment ordering fucking postmates watching television right indulging in whatever hobby you have oh would you actually like to go to real prison and get fucked in the ass for 20 years quit your whining all right it's all gonna be good i don't know when trump's saying easter i love it you know i'm not a fan of this guy but i love his shit talking his shit talking makes me feel good he's coming back on easter hey by the way all you conspires all you trump trumpers out there trumpets whatever they call

you um who feel that this fucking virus remember when you guys were trying to claim that this was to bring donald trump down which was the dumbest thing ever but okay we'll go along with this um what do you think now considering this thing has shut down every person campaigning against him now doesn't it work in his favor at this point huh i just can't wait for this virus bullshit to be over because i just want to hear the shit that trump is going to talk about how he single-handedly stopped it and america stopped it that's going to be one of my favorite things you know that is one of the things that i do enjoy about donald trump is that i am out of my fucking mind look at me fucking talking to myself

here for 20 minutes screaming and yelling giving you guys a lecture like you said all this shit to me like it wasn't the voices in my head all right trump i like listening to that guy lose his fucking mind and say crazy shit because it makes me feel like you know oh okay i'm not the only one i'm not the only one with mixed emotions i did an episode of jessica curson's podcast the great jessica curson checked out if you can i don't know when it's going to air i'll try to post about that as i always say i always say that i'm gonna post about shit and i don't so i've been doing my core workout every day my abs underneath all of my blubber are really getting tight so i can't tell if the core workout is working or if i'm constipated there's something

hard going on in my stomach um i do legs one day i do the upper body the other day my shoulders are feeling great um like everybody else in the free world i'm watching tiger king or whatever the fuck it's called the gay sexual assaulting fucking lunatic i got one more episode of that that's my thing me and my wife we bond over that we just sit there and watch that shit um i don't know it's crazy crazy fucking serious there um i kind of tapped out once once he was just saying all that inappropriate shit to new uh you know employees and then he ends up fucking them and fucking marrying them and shit i was just like i'm not into sexual predators i kind of just you know that was it for me actually my wife was watching it when i saw that when he turned

that one kid out i was just like all right i'm i'm out i'm done my wife's like you go in a bed i'm like we are in bed so what i'm really doing i can't go to bed because we're already in bed so i'm just gonna roll over and have my back to the screen so i miss some of it i miss the whole fire thing or whatever i don't know all right let's let's read a little advertising here hymns uh what's a common issue men face but don't want to talk about oh there's only one i i don't think we're allowed to express most of our feelings without getting fucking the shit kicked out of us at least that's what it was i'm cold and he said he was caught if fucking beat the shit out of you let's see you can't say you're cold uh you can't say you're tired you can't

complain if you're picking things up that they're too heavy uh i can't say it's too hot can't say it's too cold can't say you're gay you can't cry um you can't say something hurt can't say i need a jacket it's a little chilly out you can't say there's a woman down the hall and when i look at her i get a little heart attack and i think she's the one and i really want to find love you can't say you can't fucking say anything as a guy other than fuck you i'll kick the shit out of you even if you don't know how to fight and you're secretly terrified jesus him what a question gets uh can't say my dick doesn't work unless she's a whore i mean there's a lot of things you can't say as a guy um oh hang on a second hang on a second versey i'm doing my podcast can i call you back

oh you're doing it right now i'm doing it right now you're on it it's the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast paul versey how are you holding up in your segregated part of the world i'm doing good you know i'm doing good walking outside for the first time uh in weeks uh get to get some sun the kids are outside driving my wife crazy she feels like she has three children she's ready to kill me so you know what's going on yours and mine included two i got like another 10 minutes let me call you right back no worries all right god love you versey versey's doing fine okay there's a positive right there that man is a hypochondriac my favorite fucking duality of any of my friends he's a shit talking hypochondriac

all right hymns let's read uh let's read uh this this this advertising hymns what's a common issue men face but don't want to talk about oh my god imagine if i had like all summers and i started over again uh think long and had 40 percent of men by age 40 struggle from not being able to get and maintain an erection now is that really their issue or just how difficult being married to somebody is why do guys turn to weird solutions or do nothing when they can just turn instead to medicine and science uh i don't know side effects expensive pills injections were where no man wants an injection uh share any experience if you you've had with doctors and dealing with ed issues yeah i remember uh my dick wouldn't work so i went down there and this guy said i got some steroids i said

can you shoot him in my fucking cock guy so he fucking shoots him in right now my fucking dick looks like jose can say it goes neck and my chicks like you ain't fucking putting that in me so then i was like what the fuck right so i'm jerking off this giant cock i gotta use two fucking hands and but my balls have struggled up like a couple of fucks shrunk up a couple of marbles i don't think that's the story they were looking for um check out hymns and you could discover the tiny pill worthy of big celebration for hymns.com a one-stop shop for hair loss skincare sexual wellness for men isn't that amazing your hair grows back your skin clears up and your dick is saluting your new fucking hairdo hymns contacts you with real licensed doctors and fda approved pharmaceutical

products to treat ed they won't even say erectile dysfunction they just call it ed that's how fucking walled off men are in their emotions um prescription solutions backed by science made more of and made more affordable see results where other treatments fall short i don't want to watch somebody's dick slowly coming back up i'll take your word for it stop worrying about multiple in office doctor visits no painful injections like other treatments answer questions about your medical history and chat with a doctor for confident for a confidential review if approved by a doctor that's hilarious when you gotta go and all right let's see you get it up i can't come on look at this picture it's doing nothing all right look at this guy ah all right he's got it

he's got it he's got ed all right take off your baseball cap come on take it off all right now touch your toes jesus christ he's got no hair left all right if approved by a doctor products are shipped directly to your duo being your best means uh being your best means performing your best it's erectile without the dysfunction this is going to be the hardest year of your life oh Jesus try hymns today by starting out with a free online visit go to forhyms.com slash burr b-u-r-r-e-d ed is in capital letters that's f-o-r-h-i-m-s dot com slash b-u-r-r capital e capital d for hymns.com slash burr ed burr ed bird um prescription products b-u-r-r-e-d prescription products are subject to doctor approval doc my dick ain't working i don't give a fuck come on

man approve it and require an online consultation with the physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate see website for full details and safety information this could cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy remember that's for hymns.com slash burr ed all right there you go there warm things up this spring with a trip to serrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at serrillas along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as your feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop serrillas in indianapolis with six

area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at serrillas.com there you go there you go 29 minutes 10 seconds i got this down still taking my vitamins still getting eight hours sleep pandemic someday you're gonna look back fondly mark my words mark my that's that's what everybody's going to be joking about this is me three days back to work thinking about the pandemic and then they'll they'll fucking uh they'll stick a gif gif whatever the fuck they're called right this is me not being able to say something funny so somebody else made a video that i'm i'm now going to attach something to jesus look at all these people texting me uh look at this okay all right this is what somebody wrote to me today you want to hear some of my text messages

i'll read them to you all right this is this is a friend of mine who's a musician they make money by making music all right they said dude your life must be crazy right now are you okay and i wrote i'm loving my life right now i've been on the road for 28 years and this person writes back ha ha amazing me too actually yeah enjoy the break people i understand if you're struggling financially and you don't have food i'm not shitting on you guys but everybody else who's fucking fine including the goddamn cheesecake factory that's kind of sad huh if the mall then fucking cuts off their electricity because they're not paying that bill and you're just watching all of those cakes slowly melt someone will

fucking break in there to take a picture you know a selfie with the melted cakes with a little tear like that native american next to the pollution back in the day right with a caption this isn't the america i grew up with i want the old america big people this is an opportunity to catch up on your sleep it's an opportunity to come back lean and mean get yourself off sugar and salt finally learn how to play the guitar solo and heartbreaker okay finally upload your version of whitney houston's i will always love you if you're balding and you wanted to see what you look like with the shave head this is the time to try it okay if you got a little bit of cash laying around this is it's

given another seven days you'll be able to buy the boat of your dreams that motorcycle you wanted maybe i'm do you think i'm not looking at helicopters you think i'm not going to swoop in like a vulture with my shit and dick joke money huh just still fucking expensive as shit these motherfuckers but i can't root against them you know you know i i when i was looking before i got my old truck this guy was talking to me goes you gotta find a guy that is going through a divorce that's the guy you want to buy the car from and i was just like oh man that's brutal he goes yeah that's how the games played and i go what's the eye contact like and he goes this very little this very little eye contact i don't want to do that to people all right um

comics are getting together as always and we're figuring out ways to start uh we got a couple of streaming benefit things that are in the infantile stages the embryo stage well then it ain't a show yet it is a show the second you have an idea then it's a show it's not a show until it says mama don't don't start that again all right um anyway hang in there people hang in there in your heated and air conditioned departments you'll be fine everybody's gonna be fine okay or else what else do you do you're just gonna sit there and think negatively you know i actually maybe i was too hard on the cheesecake factory i think for a lot

of people the cheesecake factory is is the way is there you know i think before therefore i am i go to the cheesecake factory every thursday night therefore i am right i go down there i i'll get a side salad get a little roughage go a little california you know i like wearing flip flops down to the cheesecake factory you know bring the whole family down get me a table for seven right there's only six of us but i like that extra chair a little movement for my love handles you know and then they give you that little thing man and you all sit down you connect as a family and i'll tell you right now we sit there we take bets the excitement when when that thing's gonna buzz you know what i mean

i like personally i like to keep it on my inner thigh hold right between there like a thigh master right that's my workout for the week i hold that little buzzer at the cheesecake factory between my thighs right get my hip flexors you know activate and then i go in there right and i say bitch what is the fucking cake of the week nah it's not what happens it's a family place it's a place for families to gather all right everybody god bless all of you i hope the cheesecake factory survives during these difficult times uh shout out to the waffle house everybody loves a waffle house come on man some of the happiest times that i can barely remember on the road have happened at waffle houses i'm rooting for everybody even people that fucking deal in sugar

insult all right i'm just fucking around so spare me you fucking uh cooped up misdirected anger fucking emails all right here's a little bit of music and by the way i keep getting credit for picking this music i do not pick the music if i pick the music uh i mean your love is like i mean you don't want to listen to everything that i let's do yeah all right andrew thamiless is coming out with all of this shit that you guys are freaking out about like there's a bunch of people on uh who went on and listened to that amazing band night moves and listened to that song mexico and everybody said i'm here because of bill burr i'm here because of the money you are not here because of me you were here because of andrew

thamiless all right now what i want you guys to do is go to a don darken video a y and t video a night ranger don't tell me you love me don't tell me you love me yeah those ones you can say i'm there because of bill all right but let's give credit what credit is true andrew thamiless t-h-e-m-e-l-e-s right tham-e-l-e-s yeah them them e-l-e-s all right the greek freak he's the one coming out with all the fucking great music all right go fuck yourselves have a great weekend you cunts all right and i'll be back on monday all right for week three of the pandemic me

oh hey what's going on it's bill burn it's the monday morning fucking podcast for monday monday uh march 26th um i just had the breakfast of champions people i had a fucking i had an egg over easy easy hey lady will you make that egg take it easy i had a fucking egg over easy i had a weak english muffin sliced in half so it's only one but it counts as two and then i finished it off with a slice of cheesecake so i got salt and sugar pumping through my fucking veins in other words i am going to go like a madman for about eight minutes and then i'm gonna crash man i don't feel like doing it anymore man um

let's talk about let's talk about what else are we gonna talk about bill let's talk about your fucking life i got a goddamn crow this is three weeks in a row with the fucking animals first the squirrels last week it was a moth this week we got it we got it i got a crow i don't know if it built a fucking nest as far as i know crows don't have nests am i wrong here as far as my my uh observance of birds crows are the drifters they just show to like show up like clinice what you used to in those cowboy movies and then all the other birds fucking scatter and they sit there with that little fucking hand rolled cigar a little bandana around their fucking bird neck anyways i guess the same way nobody knew that there was a mafia until robert kennedy told everybody

that there was a mob um i finally discovered that crows actually have nests i thought they just floated around having one night stands with sparrows but evidently they have a fucking nest or this crow loves the tree right outside my window because every morning at like 6 30 now this fucking crow i don't know what it's doing i'm sound asleep right i'm getting my beauty sleep i'm a fucking ginger right my face is going to crack up unless unless i make sure i get eight hours dunk my face in lotion every day if i don't do that i look like i was fishing for lobsters um so every morning this fucking crow is outside my window just going like for fucking 10 minutes and i want to throw i want to get up and and just

fucking throw my iphone at it that's what i want to do but i'm so fucking tired i can't move so i just lay there and i'm i dream that i'm doing it that i walk up to the window and i lift it up in my dream of wearing a wife beater you know because anytime you're mad and you want to yell out your window you have to you have to have on a fucking wife beater and i just fucking i don't know how i i stand back from the window so i can get some velocity and i just sidearm that thing right out and i hit that fucking thing right and it's goddamn peak you know not a headshot it can still walk away from it every fucking morning although this morning it didn't it didn't but i had uh it had some company and they were getting

up at fucking uh 4 30 in the fucking morning because they had an early flight and uh you know it's funny so they got up and they said goodbye so we said goodbye all right thanks thanks for visiting we'll see you later right so they leave and right as they start to go back to sleep again right right around when this fucking crow's gonna start doing its goddamn like it's it's tied to something and it's slowly being beaten with a fucking rubber hose right the fucking bird makes no noise so little billy boy is just sleeping away and what happens my fucking phone makes a goddamn noise and it was the people who stayed with us texting me to let me know that they had missed their flight you know and i'm like wow that sucks lax is horrible send trying to go back to sleep

and then right as i fall asleep again they send another text to be like oh we made it you know that couldn't have waited till 9 a.m you couldn't tell me about your exciting little trip to the fucking airport they'll text to me every five seconds oh my god you see the line down here send then i'm asleep and it goes right in my fucking ear what does it do bill it goes blue i can't do the fucking noise one of my michael winslow go rent one of the police academy movies and just just fantasize how he would have fucking done it so oh i knew it see the sugar is fucking hitting me the salt i'm starting to crash haven't you guys just felt my energy my energy started going down it's kind of like back in the day when before itunes when you actually bought

albums and you heard a song on the radio and you fucking loved it and you're about three tracks in right now and you realize the song you heard on the radio was the only good one that's what this podcast is going to be this podcast is going to be like a cinderella album you know speaking of that i have to download shake me i heard that the other day when i went to the fucking king's uh broans the king's oh god this sugar's killing me the king's fucking broans and that song came out shake me shake me oh yeah i think that's all he says for five minutes shake me which i don't even understand what that meant i think it's somehow it has to be it's some sort of uh sexual innuendo but i don't know what that means is he like to

her to walk up and rather than shake his hand just grab his dick hello how are you i'll be the woman fucking you this evening um i don't know but you know what i'm gonna download it i've been downloading a lot of weird shit lately weird i downloaded that bob delin song tangled up in blue where he sings about every woman he ever banged she was working in a fucking diner and i walked in with my hat she said something else and i said can i fucking say and i went down in the fucking world tangled up in blue right every time you think it's fucking over that i met a fucking girl named susan bones out of the road she bent down tied my shoes and i blew up fucking loads she wiped it off and looked at me and why did you fucking do that 20 fucking minutes on you know tangled and

you sit there trying to sing along you just you just chime in the end every time tangled up in blue all right i'm sorry that that last little diddy was brought to you by cheesecake cheesecake the breakfast of champions that's what i'm going for in 2012 man tits that's what i want that's what the ladies are looking for you know and when i wear my wife's beater and yell at that curl when they'll be cupping them ever so shapely you know hey if you get man tits do you have a a higher chance of getting breast cancer as a male just out of curiosity because i don't think you can get breast cancer as a male if you don't have man tits that's like getting cancer of the air you know they don't exist they're not there right okay who has no medical background all right moving on so

i went to the fucking bruins game right man this this guy uh you know uh got me tickets right one of the guys i play pick up hockey with oh by the way bill when you play pick up hockey do you wear anything to protect your feet as a matter of fact i do i've been wearing skate fenders one for the first time last week in an actual fucking game i skate around in a public rink with them you know and uh as opposed to my private rink that i have out back fucking idiot i'm an idiot i'm a fucking idiot so um i used them in a game and i took one off the foot i didn't even feel it and i was able to continue skating out there at the mediocre level that i play that wonderful game skate fenders dot com everybody go there and get yourself a pair

stop being a fucking pussy stop being the person who doesn't want to go down on the rink and be the first guy wearing them all right i went to the blues king's game and the bruins uh king's game this week and why could i just say i went to the king's game when the back to back where they played the blues and the bruins i could have edited that together a little better don't you think and i saw a lot of guys out there wearing them you know and if it's good enough for them why can't you wear them you don't want to get made fun of how old are you all right you're an accountant you're not making it into the nhl okay so go to skate fender dot com type in bill burr all one word all lowercase you get five dollars off protect your feet you know how are you gonna stand up

when you're 80 on your porch and be get off my property right if you've been taken pucks to your no fucking kids are gonna take you seriously if you can't get up off your chair in the porch all right so go to skate fender dot com get yourself a pair if you don't even play hockey just put them on your loafers shuffle around shuffle around your kitchen and then say everything you always wanted to say to your wife and when she goes to stomp on your foot you're not going to feel it and she's going to get bone spurs okay so anyway so i went to the king's bruins game that was a commercial by the way i went to the bruins king's game and uh so one of the guys i play hockey with he woke me up with these tickets and they have like a club this is how fucking la

la is it was a club and in between periods like you sit down and immediately everybody who sits down you you have to you walk in they take your credit card and your license just fucking walk with that shit right and they got all these these uh almost hot waitresses walking around you know what i mean you know what almost hot is that means your body is slamming and so is your face except into a wall it wasn't even that she wasn't good looking she just was a cunt you know the way all beautiful women are a cunt why because they're beautiful not all of them but most of them they got that fucking i'm beautiful everybody wants to bang me i don't even have to fucking try attitude right this fucking won't this woman she comes by once in the first period okay so i walk by

i'm trying to understand i'm showing a little empathy i said hey sweetheart i had to go find her sweetheart with your midriff showing you know listen i know you're busy but if you get a chance can you can you swing by again and she gives me this fucking look like i just asked her i don't know to help me move or something hey can you help me hang this picture like i said that i didn't i just said hey if you don't mind could you do your fucking job more than once in the first period in the next period what was funny was in between periods um thought that it turns into like a dance club like they just start playing like all this fucking techno music all right and oh whatever the fuck that they're playing all that all that crap it's they basically take

every song and then they put that beat underneath it and sitting behind me was um what do you call a group of gay guys like i know like a like a bunch of cows is a herd any gay listeners out there any twinkle toes can tell me what do you call just a pack a gay guys that look like a fucking j crew ad just sitting behind us and one of them was Lance Bass Lance Bass was at the gate looking younger than he did when uh he was in in sync so this is my question when is somebody in the television uh um or whatever in the beauty products thing you know they have like now they have like the UFC workout they got the fucking uh the grapefruit 45 diet there we go he's got some fucking thing when is somebody

gonna figure out what gay guys do so they don't age you know dick Clark somehow figured it out you know this guy he like because i was looking at him going that's not Lance Bass person was with going that's Lance Bass i go no it isn't he still looks like he's fucking 22 that kid's got to be like 50 by now he wasn't he was just for you sitting there i still don't think it was him i thought it was like Wayne Gretzky's son that's what it looked like you know yeah jesus christ Wayne Gretzky looks like a straight Lance Bass i never realized that see that that's why i do this podcast people i do it so i learned something um oh god what do i got left here i just i you know

something i haven't been on stage in like three fucking weeks and it's really affecting me look at me i'm running out of i don't have any comedy cardio anymore i'm 13 minutes 25 seconds in and i'm ready for this thing to be done it's like i came out and i got fucking shelled in the first two winnings you know and the manager's walking out of the dugout and i'm walking towards him you know that that's when you know you suck is you don't even wait till the manager gets there you start walking off the mound you meet him at the first baseline hand in the ball yeah i ain't got it today all right i'm gonna get my shoulder rubbed down and i don't know what i'm gonna have to rub one out because there's no way i'm getting pussy after that performance um you guys have the mlb

channel that's one of the great things they actually have that the the nc17 mlb late night and then when they mic up all the players and you get to hear everything i actually heard a guy in the twin say what i just said i just don't want to get busted for plagiarism you know that's one of my ideas that's why i can never get a tv a tv show is my ideas never seem to fit into the world oh bill you're just such a fucking rebel aren't you i think i am i think i'm pat myself on the back here now you know what it is i have great ideas but they all are not conducive to a mass audience and children i think that that's what the problem is so if anybody can help me with this one i had an i have an idea uh for a new level of watching sports it's nfl nc17 mlb nc17 nba nc17

and you guessed it uh worldwide tennis no nhl nc17 and basically you just mic up everybody okay it's for adults only and rather than hearing the people commentate the game you actually just people you just hear them cursing each other out does it go down the fucking court skate down the ice you fucking cocksucker right that's what i want to hear i want to hear that shit like when the manager goes out and just be like you know do you realize you're supposed to be throwing strikes here well this is like the third fucking start in a row you tub his shit how about you do some sit-ups i know cc's fat but it works for him it's not working for you get the fuck out of here ah jesus christ do we got any more dominicans left these fucking white guys can't pitch anymore

wouldn't that be great oh like when two players in the same team really fucking get into it that would be great but you know it suck would be the uh the reporters because then the reporters would hear all of it and they'd have even more bullshit soap opera crap to write about you know because i don't want to you know i just want to listen to him shooting the shit and then trashing each other and then afterwards i don't need them to be like why did you call tom brady a fucking ugg wearing douche like i don't need to know why i don't care i just want to hear it you know how many more fucking times because i listen to these commentaries i'll tell you if i'm pig manning i gotta be thinking is that air gonna be too thin for my big fucking head

will my head move faster in the thin atmosphere um speaking of which is herm edwards doing a parody of an espn analyst or is he really you know are they putting something in his drink i don't understand that guy that's a guy who played the game for over 20 years he coached it for like fucking 1015 doesn't he have anything to say is is he somehow related to flavorflave i don't understand what that guy is doing on that channel he starts like really slow and then out of nowhere he just yells and then looks at the other guy hey the patriots are playing the cults today what do you think herm edwards well i tell you you got two guys on either side of the ball that really know how to throw it i'm trying to be a fuckbobber and he fucking looks over

what the fuck just happened it's almost like he's gonna he's about ready to have some sort of epileptic fit and he's trying to get his fucking sentence out before his eyes roll back and he falls off that chair that you know they got its staples even if it is espn those corporate cons are always trying to cut they're always trying to cut corners you know um all right bill that went nowhere and it just came to a fucking screeching halt i brought my car over to get it fixed today because i was parked at a meter and somebody somehow i don't know they didn't side swipe it they didn't t-bone it it's almost like they just came in at a 45 degree angle and said i hate that front quarter panel they just slammed into it right at the last second when

they thought they were going to drive it into my poor excuse for an engine block on that car they just cut the wheel um i don't know if it was a three-point turn gone wrong i don't know if somebody should have done a three-point turn and tried to do a one-point yui i have no idea how the fuck it could have happened but i brought i just brought it over there uh to some guy named rusty who's fucking breath smelled like cigarettes he smoked in 1972 and then i walked over to fucking uh the rental car place went over to avis i wore a red fucking blazer hoping that would get me a discount and um i come walking out to the parking lot they go okay mr burr you chose a midsize car we have a fucking whatever the fuck it was an alante i don't know what cars are what

they're even called anymore right with would that be to your liking and i'm looking at this blue spaceship and i'm like uh what else do you got actually sure that's all we have in the midside then why did you just say is that to my liking you will hope and i'd be like well yeah yeah it is and then you can just continue i just called your bluff their world series of cunts what else you got well at that point sure you'd have to upgrade to an SUV so i'm looking at this fucking car headlights and brake lights wrap all the way around like those lance armstrong glasses you know this blue cube and uh and i'm looking on the back and i'm like is it a Honda is that what that H is it's sort of a fucked up looking H turned out it was a Hyundai i'm driving a Hyundai people

i went from Prius to a Hyundai you know and my balls have completely pulled up inside my body you know Hyundai really ripped off Honda's H you know they kind of turned it to the side a little bit to fool old guys like me you know i don't fucking know my fucking girl's like get one i can drive let's let's let's let's go into the the letters for this week people i i really felt like this podcast was going to be great and i had all this shit to talk about and now i'm just feeling like i've run out of things to say and it's scaring me anti car hey bill what are the drawbacks of having an anti car i've always wanted a a 55 Chevy Bel Air and hearing you talk about your truck

has made me realize i should do it while i'm still young apps are fucking loopy i gotta tell you right now there is no drawback to having an anti car all right if you just mentally accept a few things a it's fucking old b you're gonna have to do some things to it and c you're gonna feel like a million bucks when you drive down the street okay there's a trade off trade off for everything all right and um you definitely want to do it while you're still young because you know you're gonna get married you're gonna have kids and you know your wife's gonna be thinking about the kids going is that safe i don't think it's safe you know that you're gonna hear it you know through your male ears all you're gonna hear is are you having fun i don't want you to have fun i want

your life to be miserable and then you're gonna call her some horrific name in front of your fucking kids and then that's gonna be it you know and then you'll have your car you'll be fucking living in it um look i there's you know what the drawback is on it depends on what you buy if you buy something really like uh i don't know like rare that a lot of people don't have the drawback is trying to get parts if you buy like a Mustang or a Camaro there's evidently there's parts for days on those kinds of cars and i also would think a Chevy Bel Air that's like you're buying a classic like a classic of the classics so you know i mean i even think like a Bel Air is one of those cars that you can actually if you have like 300 grand they'll just make you a brand new

one you know because i know you can do that with like a like a fucking 68 Camaro somewhere online i saw that they'll just build you one a brand new one it costs like $170,000 for some stupid fucking reason um it cost all that money you know which i kind of look at that that's like CDs when they came out and they were 17 bucks and eventually they're gonna come down they don't um to my laptop is fucked i have to buy a new one it's like all it's filled up why i'm getting that little pinwheel why is it still doing that enough already um so no there is no drawback to have an anti car unless you just buy a complete hunk of shit that had a uh a major accident and the guy's not honest about it and then you got yourself a fucking lemon that would be the drawback so what i would do is

find a friend of yours who's a fucking gearhead and they'll help you out you know like i that's what i did with mine and um once i got the a okay from the dude and he said it was a solid vehicle then i went ahead and i got it you know i was just thinking the other day i was actually took it out on the highway man and i don't whoever the fuck had it before me really babied it i'm the fourth owner but the first two owners had it from 68 to 2009 so i think that was a father's son and somebody else bought it and the recession hit and then they had to get rid of it but it drives like they change the oil every 3000 miles which is a uh is a huge thing so um i don't know what the what is this the speed channel

hey bill baseball are we in for a good baseball season uh i have no idea it seems as if somebody says it seems as if the past few years have been terrible seasons with the expectation with the exception of a few good playoff series though i'm sure they wouldn't have been as exciting without the exaggerated rivalries since when is a cubs padre series been monumental maybe it's just me i think the last time a cubs padre season was us series was monumental might have been the early 80s tony gwin leon durham bill buckner um do you know somebody said they brought up bill buckner to me the other day and they would just say oh yeah i saw this whole thing i we had to move we had to leave boss then after that and just like i i just don't understand

the shock of that yeah yeah you have to leave yeah you fucked up a world series that people at that point have been waiting 70 something years and you let it roll through your legs gee did you have a difficult time yeah but they were yelling at his kids too yeah yeah i would assume that i would assume that that what that's what would happen you've been to a game you hear the shit that people yell you hear the stuff that people say what do you think you're special i don't fucking i don't you know i'm not saying it's right but i just i don't understand the shock that's like after 9 11 when arabs were complaining that they were getting harassed at the airport yeah yeah that's gonna i would think that that would happen the same way is if fucking 20 red heads went out did some

fucked up shit i would expect to be getting some looks the next day i'm not saying it's right i don't condone it but i wouldn't sit there dumbfounded going i had to move to ireland and get with all the other fucking redheaded cunts you know because everyone was staring at me in connecticut i that just fucking blows my mind every time they bring up shit like that like that that fucking kid there in in chicago they made a whole sad sack story about that fucking kid who reached out and touched a ball that was fucking in play or they had a shot at you know the only thing that confuses me about that story is why they didn't hunt down the other five fucking cunts around them who were also reaching up for the ball that's the only way

i will defend that guy but other than that you know when you when you touch a ball that's playable and one of the athletes points at you like what the fuck you got it why would you still sit there you immediately you got to get the fuck out of there now i'm not saying that you should go on the radio and out the guy and say who the fuck he is what i'm saying is my ex my expectation for human behavior in a in a crowd is very very low you know come on how many people fucking have kids and you want to take them to a game and then you think about the last time you went to a game you're like hey you know what i'll wait till the kid's a little bit older i'm let's try to extend his fucking childhood a little bit okay people are assholes you know that's why like i don't know

i've been all over the map politically but it's why like you know certain ways of looking at shit like when people talk about guns let's just make them let's just make them illegal and then nobody will have them you know like that's sort of like thought process is you're you're acting as though the world is a utopia and that there's not morons and that there's not uh people who say i don't give a fuck what the rules are you're totally not even taking into consideration sociopaths which is why that new fucking thing that obama signed that whole defense package where now they can just arrest people without a trial put you in jail forever without a trial because they just think you're a fucking terrorist you can't give people that level of power i'm a

fucking moron and i know you can't do that historically no one has ever handled that level of power well anybody here want to go live in china ah well you're out there practicing your nunchucks wearing your wooden slippers and all of a sudden a van pulls up and you disappear and that's it forever you want to live there of course you don't you want to live here where they can't fucking do it well they can do it now you know they just put in a fucking order for a bunch of black vans that's what i heard according to holy shit dot com that's what's going down i don't understand why stuff at that level that affects citizens to that level why we don't get to vote on it do you think it's because we'd say hey you know what fuck that do you understand like that is

just a jump off point do you think like that's just how it's gonna slow as long as you're not terrorist and you ain't gonna fucking prove you think it's just gonna stop with that that's not how you take away freedom you don't just fucking do it all in one fail swoop it's incremental it's just like when you're dating some fucking woman and you're not paying attention and she just gradually every day takes another foot of real estate next thing you know you're in goal line d going how the fuck did i end up in this situation you started at the 50 a little push a little pull right everything was fine next thing you know you're up against the goal line do you think that they're just gonna keep it with the terrorist thing you know the wait for a whole nother generation of babies to be born

and they always grew up with government having that level of power then they add something else to it then they add something else then that's it you can't have it okay if tiger woods can't handle the level of free pussy on a golf tour how the fuck is our government gonna handle a new defense package which basically gave them a mute button when you love to how how would you handle that if you had that power do you how long before you just started abusing that if you could just hit mute on anybody who ever disagreed with you and that just and you could have them whisked away i mean that is the sociopath's wet dream that's what that is that is a fucking mute button mr. Stalin don't you think that's it he hit mute you're done you're gone see you

i think i think it's it's fucking insane and the only thing that i get out of it is that i feel like i was proven uh correct that i don't think it matters at that level whether you vote democrat or republican obama the first black president ever you would think this would be the most liberal politician in in the history of this country because of his background you would think that he signed off on that shit all right i'm telling you i don't know what happens when you become president but i think they let you peek just enough behind the curtain and you there is a fucking agenda that we are moving towards because it does i don't think it fucking matters i really don't which is why i always vote for the Ralph nader the fucking Ron Paul all those guys that

all those fucking idiots go oh because you did that you've ruined the election really did i i feel like those guys wouldn't have signed shit like that i feel like their track record shows that they would not sign shit like that i don't know i have no i imagine i'm gonna get a ton of fucking emails i remember somebody was yelling at me one time saying that because i voted for Ralph nader in 2000 that's why george w bush won and they were just going on and on and on about it and i was like dude i live in new york al gore won my state okay do you understand that so your whole fucking theory right now is out the window i voted for Ralph nader in new york and al gore still won the state so go fuck yourself what i'm trying to do uh i'm mr fucking red and blue tie here i'm

trying to fucking encourage more people like that to vote so mission accomplished that's what i'm trying to fuck enough to vote to run you know uncorruptible how far can you get if you're uncorruptible i would say that you can get to the uh whatever level politics is when you decide whether or not they should put a gazebo in the center of town i think once you get beyond that you got it you got to be a little dirty right i love talking about this shit because it just stirs people up you know um you know maybe should i read a little more before the next time you fucking um really what are you reading uh what are you reading what they give you is that what you're reading fuck head while you acting like you have clearance to the bottom floors of the

fucking pentagon you're guessing just like i am all right mr informed i read the pamphlet i don't buy a fucking word of it you know you can use coca-cola to take rust off of metal you can use it for that you know you understand that yet they're still able to sell it to us like it's refreshing i don't know what that point man either i thought i had a point there fuck you i'm full of sugar and salt i'm crashing right now crashing it burning all right let's get on to some more shit here uh oh i have bill we have for a good baseball season i don't i have no idea um all i know is i am not what the come on man don't fucking do this to me you fucking cunt i can't scroll down because i'm getting the pinwheel oh christ it's time for commercial everybody amazon.com do you

like this podcast no well then fucking listen to another one who's left all right you guys like this podcast well thank you i appreciate it um if you would like to donate to this podcast it's very easy all you got to do is uh next time you think about buying something on amazon.com rather than going directly to amazon.com go to billbird.com click on the podcast page and on the right hand side you're going to see the amazon banner bam bam bam right amazon that was the whalers goal song the amazon banner you click on that and then just go buy something all right doesn't change the price you don't have to put in any passwords nothing just go to amazon.com through my website on the podcast page you click on the banner you buy something they'll kick me back a percentage

and 10 percent of that will go to the wounded warriors project so with you going out and buying yourself a new flowbie maybe a pen and pencil set maybe you get yourself a mountain bike because you decided you're finally going to get yourself in shape right and rather than just going for a walk you feel you need to punish your body because you grew up in the era of ken peterra right whatever you're going to do just know when you buy that thing a little bit of money goes to monday morning podcast 10 percent of that money goes to help the troops all right killed two birds with one stone and you can walk down the street and say you know what i am a good person so there you go all right let's try and find where these fucking come on where the hell are the questions

here answer my question um all right oh this is a question about dave grohl bill i love the podcast i wanted to see if you would go on a rant on my behalf first i would like to start up by saying that i am a recording engineer and you being a drummer should be upset by this too okay he's already dragging me in during dave grohl's uh grammy acceptance speech he said that their new album was special because they recorded it in his garage with a couple of microphones most people would hear that and think that's pretty cool but this really pisses me off at what point does a 4.5 million dollar recording studio stop being uh being a garage i mean it may say it's a garage in the blueprints but it's not like that drummer is getting his sticks caught in a fishnet

also i attached a photo of the drum set that they used during the recording i counted 13 microphones that's a lot more than a couple if it pisses you off at all i would love to hear your thoughts about it on the podcast well look i think what he was really doing was he was going off on auto tune so in a roundabout way he's helping you out isn't he because he did do it on a studio in a in a in a studio i think it was more i think it was making fun of uh auto tune wasn't he and i'm really trying to give me an example one of those umbrella Ella Ella that shit right wasn't he just kind of making fun of that he did do it in his garage sir at the end of the day if they took those drums out he could put one of his 47 cars in there so technically it is still a

garage he should not have said a couple of microphones if you want to get cunty all right but you know what i bet he had an engineer in there you know i bet somebody got some work out of that i think he's on your team you know i'm sorry if you went to the wrong guy in this one being a drummer Dave growl would basically have to be sacrificing babies before i ever gave him any shit because uh i i have a fanboy crush on him so i can't really trash him because in my twisted fucking narcissistic world i think i actually have a chance of meeting him and maybe playing drums on one track on his next album that's that's the lofty area my ego lives in you know what i should do one of these weeks i should actually play drums for you guys or maybe guitar and you

can hear how fucking awful i am then you can trash me and feel better about yourselves isn't that fun doesn't that make you feel good to watch somebody attempt something and then completely fail and then you get that that that warm feeling in your chest where you like see that's what happens when you try that's what happens when you go after your dreams i knew i was right by choosing this job that was safe rather than fulfilling isn't that what you do you fucking cunt first of all mr engineer you are in a situation now where you could build your own fucking studio can't you with like a laptop and a frisbee why don't you start recording all these up and coming bands get your foot in the fucking door and then as as they rise up then maybe they'll take you with them

i think there's an unbelievable fucking opportunity here right now for artists to take control of their fucking careers and not have to have these cunts taking all your money all that fucking behind the music shit all these things you work hard you record is special you getting business with somebody and then you know i'm fucking i'm i'm waiting for money right now people buy dvds and i had somehow it doesn't get to me oh we had we had a hundred grand and whiteout expenses sorry bill sorry no money for you we're keeping it all ourselves then eventually we go out of business and you're chasing a ghost we all take a bonus out of the money that we owed you and a bunch of other fucking comedians we take off and then you're suing the corporation

which is not a person and nobody works here anymore so well good luck to you i understand what you're saying sir i understand okay let me give daygrove a little bit of shit he may really did make it sound like hey man we just got like a bag of weed and cleared out the rakes in the fucking wheelbarrow we made like an album man and like that's all you really need to do man because like it's all about the music and like if you really believe in it people can like feel it man you know what i'm saying i know he did do that it did do that but at the end of day he did record it at his house you know he should have said i recorded in it in what used to be my garage but what is now the equivalent to recording at capital

and i'll tell you all you gotta be is a monster rock star who's been selling fucking at millions of albums for 20 years and you can do it too so you don't need auto-tune boys and girls despite the fact that it puts you right you know i read about some fucking this little spazzy looking nerd in rolling stone who makes some sort of fucking music with with a macintosh um which to me i don't give a fuck is not it is music but it isn't you know what i mean this just i it's more like you are it's like you're an editor i would say it's it's more like that like i don't i don't think that what you're doing it's like you are making music but you're you're taking sounds and all this shit that you don't have to have the ability to make

i guess that one guy that fat guy who made all those those loops for justin timberlake and uh and jay-z who's that guy i mean i'm like yo that's hard to death that that guy i guess that yeah that guy is i saw him he can actually play instruments and shit oh well you know what i'm i'm paying with the broad brush here people i'm just saying i know what i was saying halfway through that i i fucking got lost in in the sugar of cheesecake at eight in the fucking morning um was there a point oh yeah i was reading about this fucking nerd which by the way people can can can nerds go back to being beaten for no fucking reason at all you know i i really can't wait for the backlash on nerds i've had it with them

i've had it with them embracing the fact that they're awkward to to the point of pretending to be awkward even when you're not and just coming up to you and be like i'm awkward and then leaving all the pressure of the conversation on you you know fucking 30 35 years old walking around acting like some 14 year old on his first date you know what somebody has that this week where the hell is it the overrated underrated for the weeks uh overrated dorks they're taking over and they haven't even done anything cool to earn it fuck the office dude i gotta be honest with you i've been saying that for fucking years my girl loves that show the office all right and i can't fucking watch it all right it's like can somebody on that show be like be aware of what

they're saying when they're saying it instead of like afterwards immediately afterwards you know i i did like their cartoons fucking every goddamn one of those fucking shows i can't i can't get into the shit i can't get into the shit because i'm gonna start trashing shit and then you can think straight across the board that i don't fucking like anybody in the alt scene that's not fucking true but i think i think the alternative comedy scene is like the hair metal scene in late 1989 all right we're about a year away before nevermind it's gonna come out and they're all gonna be scurried and i'm gonna i can't fucking wait because i'm just an old cunty redhead now i was i actually on i i do resent the the alternative

scene for for one reason only and that's because that scene created a a situation that it basically distilled all of the horror out of attempting to be a comedian that's what i don't like about it okay no heckling no drunks no obnoxious behavior no aggressiveness from the every fucking reason that it takes balls to be a comedian every fucking reason why people who wanted to be a comic but never fucking did it you've removed from that situation and you've just created like this fucking comedy womb you know and and on the top of that it's like you're performing to just this this it's like a radio station it's not even a crowd it's like what i go fucking radio station i only perform to hipsters ages 18 to 24 who wear skinny fucking loose jeans and have black framed glasses it's like

and then if they have to go down to a fucking comedy club when their jokes don't go over they they act like the the crowd is dumb rather than no you you're like a specialist you're like that guy who plays in the football team and only goes out is you're like the long snapper you know what i mean you can only can play one fucking position and you turn around and you blame in the fucking crowd i don't know dude i i just it's it's and and then on top of that the amount of shots that over the fucking years that they've taken at club comics like we're all a bunch of hacks over there you know talking about airplane food like they're above us and then every fucking i gotta talk to i'm gonna talk to bobby kelly about this shit on his podcast hopefully this week because we

were talking about some of this shit and anytime then what happens is right then you go to do some benefit or you go to do some sort of fucking comedy festival and then they put club comics and alt comics together and what happens all those fucking alt comics go on early you know one in particular is always fucking trading up he can't go on early enough despite the fact his face is all over the fucking posters and then who's gonna mop up in the end two hours into the fucking show a club comic you know oh those fucking alt comics and they're all fucking nice to you on those shows hey you're a real big fan you fucking you really are you are you there nervous go on second go on third and then fucking run out with your book bag you cunt oh the floodgates have opened i've had it

i've had it with fucking nerds i've i've i've i've fucking i get it i get it all right you're into comic con i get it and if you're not into comic con then you're fucking stupid is that basically what it is cheesecake baby it's the cheesecake just for the record the alt scene was started by club comics all those guys david cross bob odenkirk dana gould mark maren beasts all of them all of them they could perform in in in fucking uh in off track bedding and they could have a great set but inadvertently i think you know what they did they're almost like rich people who have kids you know and they they they struggled up through all this shit right and then they just have these kids in their first car is like a maserati and they wrap it around a pole and there's like no

ramification that's that that is my my overall generalization of my problem that i have with the alt scene is um it's it's like uh it's like stand-up comedy while wearing like the training wheels and you never take them off okay bill we got it you've you've made you've you've made your your fucking one-sided argument um all right there we go that ought to get some fucking emails that ought to do it i'm trying to be controversial this week another overrated chasing your dreams stay home jesus christ how many hugs did you not get sir although that's funny uh underrated uh watching a whole series on netflix in three weeks is there anything is there anything better than being able to skip commercials

and weeks of waiting for shit to happen who cares about spoilers from what i understand diehard fans of lost can't even explain the last episode no spoilers there jr is dead and i'll never go back and watch dallas um i think it's good it's good and bad because when when you uh the anticipation of it coming out you know like when people had to wait for the next Beatles album what are they gonna do how are they gonna top their next one and then you go out you fucking stand in line to get it you sit down away it becomes like an event um it's like having a slice of cake rather than eat the whole fucking cake you know what i mean so but i i do i do know what you're saying um and the whole fast forwarding through uh commercials and that

type of thing i i actually i do enjoy doing that i do enjoy doing that even though i have commercials on my i i'm such a fucking hypocrite it's ridiculous and speaking of that how about another commercial right now what are we gonna go with people what are we gonna go with what what what haven't you heard me say stamps dot com everybody hey there's there's there's something that we've all been going to our entire life something called the post office okay and we go down there with those crabby people who you know who they can't get fired unless the union boss says it's okay right and they're down there leaning on shovels you asking for stamps they're on break and they sit there with their fucking chewing tobacco spitting into a spittoon right would it

be great if you could just have your own little post office in your apartment in the garage like dave grohl right next to your drum set with the 52 microphones on it would it be great if you could just totally just you know it'd be like if you could somehow have the dmv in your apartment and just take your own picture make your own damn id wouldn't that be great they're not going to let you do it because it's all part of the new world order man but you can have the post office in your house wouldn't that be fantastic wouldn't it be great to just be able to print out stamps that you could put on an envelope using your computer and a little piece of paper wouldn't it be phenomenal to have your own damn scale where you could weigh things it'd be

that's how much it weighs and here's the zip code how much does that cost wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to do that completely naked at two in the morning while eating a pop tart well with stamps dot com you can do it you can buy and print us postage official us postage as opposed to that bootleg stuff that's been out there all right um what's going on with my computer i gotta get a new one this one's full um you can buy and print official us postage using your own computer and printer stamps dot com will give you a digital scale just plug it into your computer weigh your letter of package the exact amount of the postage will automatically appear on the screen and i gotta tell you they're not lying there because i've done it i've shipped dvds to the four corners of this

country and i am here to say ask not what your scale could do for you endorsements stamps dot com is like having a postal expert right at my desk expert i don't know about that it's like having a postal guy right at your desk except he doesn't have an attitude how about that there's never any guesswork um and you never have to go to the post office i haven't been there since other than to drop off uh the stamps that i put it on because i live in a city and they won't pick up the mail but if you live in the middle of nowhere you know when you got a deer in the front lawn you know taking a dump that's going to poison your food somehow you can you know you can if you live out there in mayberry you print out your stamps you stick in the box you bring your little red

flag up as if to say i have mail in here that needs to be delivered um right now stamps dot com has a special offer for my listeners my listeners that i can arrest you and detain you indefinitely without a trial if i even suspect that you're listening to another podcast use my last name burr capital b u r r for a no risk trial plus because you're my listeners i own you all right you get 110 dollar bonus offer that includes a digital scale and 55 dollars in free postage how funny was it listening to me try to say scale a digital scale and 55 dollars in free postage call to action verbatim they want me to read this word for word here we go don't wait index finger in the air go to stamps dot com before you do anything else all right i don't care if your

grandmother's weasin you go right to stamps dot com click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage you type in burr capital b you are are that stamps dot com enter burr get yourself the scale get yourself some stamps and you don't have to go down to the post office ever again you can just cut that out of your life like a cancer that you discovered early how do you like that huh i think i'm gonna eat cheesecake before i read the next one um anyways that just totally took me off track what the hell was i talking about what are we 53 minutes in 53 minutes into this podcast and i'm gonna try to upload and i'm not going to be able to because my stupid thing is full despite the fact that i've removed all pictures and put them on to an external hard drive

all right where are we male dance let's read this bill bit of a bit of a dilemma here for you oh before i do this why don't i give you guys emails because a lot of you guys are like bill i have things that i would like to be read in a bad way in a second grade manner on the podcast where do i email you decide you can email me you can email me at bill at the mm podcast dot com don't forget the d all right bill at the mm podcast dot com and mmp is all capitalized all right bill at the mm podcast dot com and you can tell me to go fuck myself you can ask me questions you can ask advice you can do whatever you want um and that is it bill bit of a dilemma here for you uh i'm an 18 year old male who's about to graduate from high school congratulations

over the past few years i've been told i'm a really good dancer not ballet or artsy stuff but just good dance floor dancing oh my god i'm gonna take over the dance floor hey angie watch me you're john travolta this is great do you go out to the uh statin island bridge and do head stands with your with your buddy bobby uh you know if he didn't have an afro he never would have fell off that bridge if you had it high and tight like all these armenians out here all every armenian looks like they know uh they they know um um mma moves last time you saw an arm armenian dude in his 20s or 30s and he did not look like he could put you in an arm bar within two seconds if you wanted to if i would if i was uh dana white and i was running the ufc at one point

at this point what they're up to like what like ufc 2006 you know they're like running they've run out of adjectives this time it's really really personal right not saying i'm not a fan a huge fucking fan i'm just saying you know the way they they they have those things like every other week there's only so many like you know redemption i mean you're running out of words um i'm such a fucking idiot this is what i would do if i was dana white at some point i would have you know what you know what i would this is what i would branch off remember they had those tough man competitions and they would have just people coming in throwing haymakers which is some of the best boxing ever is when you watch people who just aren't trained whatsoever and they just start

you know because somebody's gonna connect right i think that they should have one week they should have the armenians versus the russians tough man competition because i really think that that means it needs to be decided who is the tougher of the two uh because when i when it comes to white people that's that's who i got my money on all right that those those are the crips in the bloods of white people is the armenians and the russians all of them they just have that vibe there's something you just like yeah i'm not fucking with that guy just really i'm really not doing it anyways uh not a ballet or artsy stuff uh but just ballroom dance and a fucking dancing over here uh i kind of think of think dancing is gay from an outside point of view

um it isn't it really isn't that's just how white people look at it it's considered gay because it involves like letting yourself go and actually admitting that you have emotions as a man as a white male yeah it's yeah it is it's considered gay um as is crying as is showing any sort of emotion as is not dying for no good goddamn reason before you're 56 um or not dying i should say if you live to be 60 i believe amongst white men that's also considered gay because that means at some point you cried something out of your chest and you didn't have a heart attack um anyways he says i think uh dancing is gay from an outside point of view but i'll be the first one to admit that i'm actually a pretty good dancer if i didn't think so i wouldn't be out there doing it yeah but

dude you gotta be getting some i'll i'll fucking women love a guy who can dance dude if you can dance and you're wearing like a silk scarf it's fucking over it's gonna be rain and pussy as far as my outside view my freckled view from over in the bar trying to stand out from underneath those hot lights so i don't get burned uh you know redheads we're the closest thing to vampires you know we have we we have none of the powers of vampires but the sun affects us the same way a friend of mine who is a female dancer keeps telling me i could make money doing it on commercials or music videos parentheses clothes on or you could go to fucking broadway and be like one of the five straight men who dances on broadway and just tag every fucking lonely chick out there

who's all stretched out just make sure you keep their shoes on dancers feet are always fucked up here's where it gets complicated i plan on becoming a policeman oh dude this is this is a no-brainer you need to dance at bachelorette parties dressed as a cup all you need dude is that a fake uniform in a boombox and you're on your way to making money dude you should fucking do that in a second and then you write a book about it i was a gyrating cop for bachelorette parties and you write a tell-all book about how many fucking broads who about ready got married could get married sucked your dick you really need help on this one i mean i'm gonna read the rest of it but i think i've already come with the solution

anyways how is anyone supposed to take me seriously on the force if there's a video going with me pop and locking next to little wane at the same time oh dude you should fucking pull people over you should pull people over and fucking moonwalk up to their car and just freak them out even if they were reaching for a gun they'd be laughing too hard and they wouldn't shoot you then you could rest them and then you move up next thing you know you're a commissioner right nothing anyways at the same time i'm getting laid a lot because of it of course you are i'm a seven on a scale of 10 i like this guy he's honest and i'm uh and like having a jump shot it's put me up to an eight five i'm banging tens i've always wanted to be a cop but the

park's here seemed better if i was able to make money doing it oh and the dancing thing i wouldn't just be getting hummers for letting gross moms off on speeding tickets i could be banging jailo she's into dancers right thanks yeah dude apps are fucking loopy dude you're basically saying what should i do here should i bang jailos be down at the club and make all this fucking money or should i take a job where i'm gonna get shot at and not be appreciated you know i'll tell you every cop out there would dance if they could as opposed to being a cop i don't care if they're like seven generations in dude this is what i think of as far as like dancing i think if i if i like compare it to being a comedian oh the open mics would be

getting a piece of cardboard and being on a subway platform making money that way and then when you move up to hosting a show that would be your dress as a cop and you're fucking dance at bachelorette parties that's what you do on the side that's like your fucking day job that bullshit and then during the day i yeah i would try out for those fuck i don't do they make music videos anymore or fucking uh i don't know i believe it or not i don't know how to climb the ladder as a dancer but dude apps are fucking loopy if you can make money doing that shit and then what the great thing is is once you get to a certain level to to uh make more money you know once you got some credibility you can you always have the the fall back where you can teach your class

they can you can be like i danced for nine years and chitty chitty bang bang and fucking banged every fucking broad on there and then if you'd like to know how to fuck the women in your cast while still not losing your job come on down to frankie's fucking dance studio whatever just you'll figure it out as you go in there and um yeah absolutely apps are fucking loopy i would definitely do it you want to do it you wouldn't take in the time um to write in so your big fear should be whatever but everybody's big fear is like what if i fucking go out for the stream and i'm 30 and i'm sleeping on a fucking futon and it hasn't happened yet well i gotta tell you something sir i've been there i was there at fucking 34 i was still sleeping on a futon

in a fucking studio apartment that they called the one bedroom because they slammed a fucking wall in there and put a door on it and then one day i was trying to bang the girl upstairs who had the fucking apartment right above me and it was the exact same unit and hers was a studio but she had been there longer so they never slammed a wall in there and i realized hey wait a minute i'm getting fucked you know i should go down there and try to get some money taken off this i should go down to the uh they're fucking me over rental board but i didn't i said fuck it just keep writing jokes right so whatever all you gotta do you just gotta commit to this shit and uh and then realize that you know sleeping on futon when you're 30 is is not the worst thing it isn't you

don't see you know it's worse than sleeping on futon at 30 sleeping in a king bed next to a fucking woman you're not really in love with but for some reason married and uh you got a couple kids and you got a job that you fucking hate okay you'll be laying there fantasizing about fucking sleeping on a on a uh on a futon there there's no risk when you go after a dream it's all fucking reward it's all gonna lead to something good it always does there's a tremendous amount of risk to playing it safe and uh that leads to unbelievable levels of regret which is something else i've also experienced because i'm an old motherfucker um so that's it that's the podcast for this week okay if you want to dance if you want to get stamps i think i fucking covered

everything if you want to know what somebody sounds like after having eggs and then a big slice of cheesecake um that's what i gave you this week um okay so this week my my little vacation has ended all right and i am now on my way to uh doing some more gigs here oh wait i felt i forgot game fly i've got the hype game fly this this one has been a monster on this podcast so don't be the only one who doesn't get on game fly and i know what you're thinking but bill i don't like video games you know what i'm thinking you're a fucking communist get out of this country you pinko bastard all right the lovely nia just walks in on you pinko bastard look at you and your pajamas nia bought the cutest pair of pajamas they are absolutely adorable they make her look like

a little kid who needs somebody to make her a breakfast yet she wears them every day so the lust is wearing off them you got to get yourself another couple of pairs all right okay she's not in the mood um gamefly.com everybody hey do you like video games sure we all do um you know it'd be awesome what if you could have 8000 video video games at your fingertips what if they brought them right to your door what if they could send them right to your pc what if you got a 15 day free offer where you could just use all your vacation time and just sit there growing a beard trying every video game possibly known to man why don't you go to gamefly.com why are you still sitting at your cubicle pretending to work this is what you need to do you need to wait till i find

the email that has all the information on that's what you need to do but right now what you want to repeat over and over in your head is game fly jesus christ do i like game fly what the hell is it gamefly.com over 8000 console game no late fees no late fees you can cancel anytime so it's not that bronx tail where they put the thing down now you can't leave you can leave whenever you want to um now they're introducing unlimited pc play uh Monday morning podcast listeners get a 15 day free free trial this is what you do you go to www.gamefly.com slash burr to activate this special offer you see that who's looking out for you now you know what you guys could do for me you could look out for me you want to watch me struggle through a new hour

material it's not going to be a new hour it's going to be a new 10 minutes and uh that's how i put together the new hour i dumped 10 minutes at the last hour i do 50 minutes of the old hour and 10 minutes of the new hour i don't know what you're saying right now bill why don't you shut the fuck up tell me where you're going to be well i'm going to tell you i'm going to be at the dupont theater white people say dupont black people say dupont like police the dupont theater oh snap i'm going to be there with the teen idol sensation from the opium anthony program joe dorosa the triumphant return to wilmington delaware by joe dorosa he has not been there since he dropped his last hit album born to dance that was a bad one i could have come with a bad one

stranger in this town was that a bon jovi one who gives a fuck i'll be at the dupont theater dupont theater march 30th with the teen idol sensation joe smoking joe dorosa um go to bill bird.com click on shows the next the next one i will be at the music hall in troi new york on march 31st with new jersey's own paul versey loves the jets and the giants whoever's doing better he will root for them and then the music hall in terry town new york on april first this is not an april fools joke people i'm really going to be there are you going to be there and i will also be there once again with the wonderfully talented the freshly bearded paul versey you know paul versey took my uh personal trainer beard that i stole from bob on the biggest loser paul versey took it

he took it from me you know as long as he doesn't steal my material i don't mind if he takes my facial here oh you're going to go to your little workout class all right i'm almost done here all right i'll be done in a second if you just let me do it um oh here's one for you you know something i was telling you what really bothered me was when davie jones died just really fucking bothered me just really made me feel old i love the monkeys i thought they were hilarious and i love their music and you know what's funny is i was reading all this shit the amount of crap that they got because they were a prefab they called them the prefab four because it was just a tv show and they were basically it was basically the beetles

meets meets the uh the marx brothers and all this shit that they went through but i always find it funny when you go on youtube and every music thing you know if you if you go when you look up something some sort of music that people respect they're like what happened to music and people always trashing justin beaver going what happened to music i wish i was born back in the fucking day well here's something that i read do you know at the height of the monkeys fame they sold more albums than the beetles and the rolling stones combined all right so it's always been that way there's always been some fucking hottie going oops i did it again i played with your heart right shaking her fucking hips it's always gonna be that

that barry manilo that song mandy you blah and you bleed and you blue blue and i want to fuck you now mandy right when zeppelin was doing what the fuck they were doing when uh when fucking black sabbath was at the height of their powers when they brought the devil to their fucking knees right or to his knees or whatever the fuck it is that there was people making fucking i'm henry the eighth i am it's it's always been like that so please if you go on youtube can you please stop writing what happened to music nothing has happened to it all right what's the matter does it take work to find the good music your lazy cunts go out and go find it all right that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves don't take any shit i'll talk to you next week and uh please

keep uh please keep emailing the uh the podcast because i can't i can't do this thing with just me and cheesecake alone all right and i think that's one to grow on yeah don't tell me you love me finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge the gene site test may help did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error gene site is a genetic test that analyzes variations in dna it shows how genes may affect someone's metabolism

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