Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-9-23

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

Bill rambles about movie theater candy, the movie with the long blue people, and vintage stores. SimpliSafe:  Get a free indoor security camera plus 20% off your order with Interactive Monitoring at www.simplisafe.com/BURR

Hey man, what's going on? It's Bill Burris time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and ah Just checking in on you just checking in to see how the fuck you're doing how your week's going I was kidding who I'm just here to run my fucking mouth For whatever the hell you're doing right now. What do you huh? What where are you? You're going to the gym? I don't know the fucking gym. That's a normal thought No one wants to go to the gym, right? You want to sit on the couch? Order a pizza Side order a cupcakes a little fucking hair on

right You won't have a grand old fucking time You know, I don't be sacrilegious here But what kind of an asshole is God that he made pizza cupcakes and heroin bad for you Couldn't just make it easy could he no Couldn't do it. He's always been big on the diet, huh? What's so fucking funny is It's like he's like don't eat the apple which is actually good for you and then he sends us out of out of paradise

You know because the second you tell abroad not to do something and she fucking goes Sorry, I know a bunch of pedophiles wrote that story and they had issues with you know women with hair around their privates I Sorry, hey, I didn't write the story they did okay Anyway Jesus, where do you go from now? You can't eat don't eat the fucking apple which is actually good for you You just you can stay in paradise then you go to actually have yourself a healthy thing

That he banishes out and then when we go out here, it's like maybe that's part of the hell. Is that what it is? It's so fucking stupid You know But I have to be honest with you when you really look at all this shit that's happened in the last five years blaming Everything wrong in the world on white what on a white woman is you know kind of tracks That's my goal people to be able to laugh without hacking Ever since I've had pneumonia. I haven't been able to do it. I got over the pneumonia, but that has lingered Probably because once I was cured of pneumonia. I went back to smoking cigars stupid, so

I'm on it though, dude. I'm on it. I got them all stacked up next time I go over to the comedy store. I got like 20 25 68 cigars. I don't know how many I got Gonna do a big dump Do not take a shit. I'm dumping the cigars off. I'm getting them out of my life All right, not a hundred percent though. I'm gonna be that fucking guy man I'm gonna be that guy that can have the occasional cigar Ooh, ooh half a line of cocaine just in case there's fucking fentanyl in it, right? I'm gonna be that guy. No, I

Never mess with the toot as they used to call it ride in the rail, right? The fuck else did they say back then? Oh, he's right the rail this weekend The fuck yeah, there was another one too. It was sort of unique to my area I don't fucking know all I know is my generation was told that Len bias took cocaine one time and died and Then the Lakers could win back-to-back Championship as opposed, you know, I swear to God if Larry Bird didn't blacktop his own fucking driveway and Len bias didn't overdose on cocaine I mean

First of all, the Detroit Pistons would not even exist That would have been Sigh an hour to them no matter how much they took your legs out when you left the floor One of the most overrated teams of all time the Detroit Pistons. Oh, yeah, I'm coming for you today 89 90 whatever the fuck they were 88 89 was 88 was a what is all 91 92 93 was the bulls 94 95 It's you said 96 97 8 bulls. Yeah, so it was 89 90 was the pistons I'm fucking with you. I know it was a great team But like did they hope their whole bullshit with now that like sitting there acting like they're rubbing their chins and

Like yeah, man, we were playing this we were playing a mind game, man No, no, you weren't you're waiting for guys to leave their feet and you were taking them out So the best player landed on his fucking head and then you didn't have to deal with them because who's kidding who you weren't better than They were that's what it was That's I've never respected that kind of play where it's just like you guys are better than us so now what we're gonna do is deliberately injure your best players and beat you down to our level and You know and then the announcers always say But you'd love them if he was on your team. No, I wouldn't no, I wouldn't

So sorry, I'm drinking a protein smoothie. You're not getting enough protein You're cutting right now. So you need to feed your muscles I've been doing a great thing I've been staying away from the fucking sugar I Don't even I don't even fuck with it the other night You know, I go to this place Where they sell all the balloons and all of that crap my daughter loves balloons and for whatever reason they have like movie candy there Right and it's like fucking You can get five boxes like the big movie size for a dollar a whack if you get five of them

So we were gonna go see fatso right the whale and That's why I go and I get that shit, right And I just ate a bunch of it and I it was amazing like I kind of took the ride with the main character Like the self-loathing and then you start crashing and then I was binging again. I mean, it's such a fucking drug I was experiencing that that movie on two levels. It was like interactive You know like they try to do that with that that movie with the fucking stretched out blue people Whatever that movie is and for whatever fucking reason they decided to make another one You know, I look how they waited like almost 20 years like it was fucking Star Wars, you know

The fuck is it's like blue man group and outer space whatever they call the Smurfs with giantism I just remember the first one I was rooting for the army It was weirded me out It was weirded me I'll be honest with you I got weirded out when I saw the first one and then also like I knew it was good It wasn't gonna be good So I went with all of like the bells and whistles like you wear the 3d glasses and your fucking seat shakes You know some ushers behind you slapping you in the head like every fucking thing

They could possibly do to make that thing and I just sat there. I was like I could give a fucking shit About these things There's a thing if they were actually real if we actually know the day they actually cast Martians playing Martians We need real aliens to play aliens It'd be funny if Donald Trump was casting that then he would just get a bunch of uh illegals that came in from the Mexican border That's what that's that's what the liberals wanted. This is the greatest movie ever. I'm the greatest casting director ever Um

But uh the Oscars are this sunday And uh, I saw oh my god, I keep forgetting the name of this fucking movie. I saw and I absolutely loved it Oh, wait a second Wait a second What happened Oh, I see That's my personal trainer. Oh, yeah soak that in That's how hollywood I am now. I have a personal

Trainer and for the longest time I was like, I'm not fucking doing. I don't need a fucking personal trainer All right, I've been going to the gym since 1985. I know what you do You walk in there you you do your arms in a circle a couple of times you do a couple of twisties at the waist some jumping jacks And then you walk over there with your larry bird shorts the towel around your neck tucked in To your to your fucking rocky sweatshirt that you cut the hood off Maybe the sleeves too bill Bella check style right

And what do you do your bench press every fucking time That's all it was about Does anybody even say that anymore? That was a big fucking deal. What are you benching? That was my favorite line in boogie nights What do you bench? They had that line too in um What did I just say was called moon dogs wasn't moon dogs the fuck did that come from? The moon dogs they were a wrestling crew

Why the fuck am I thinking moon it's like that that one that made ben afleck and daemon a star And robin williams, you know the one He breaks into the cars she gets in the fight coalhouser Goodwill hunting moon dogs the fuck was Um, wait a second I'll figure that out later. Why that came to me like that. Anyway When they were doing daemon matt daemon's character was asking robin williams character what he benched and and robin williams character said he benched 260 that took me out of the meat out of the fucking movie

That woke up some muscle memory from the 80s. I'll say this fucking guy did bench 260 Yeah, why don't you go down to fucking golds and do it? I want to see it Fucking 260 160 maybe on a fucking good day. Huh? You fucking bearded cocksucker 260 That was definitely improvised um, oh, you know robin had those fucking hairy forearms. He had those pop-eye if he played pop-eye

You never know those shorter guys though. They could always bench more because it was a shorter distance That's what I was always told or like doing pull-ups. That's what's amazing about zdeno chara the guy can bang out like 40 Pull-ups and he's eight feet tall Can you imagine when he was back in his home country, whatever the fuck he was from right Czechoslovakia Prague, maybe he was walking around Prague He was probably hanging off a fucking bridge at 15 Couldn't put a pull-up bar high enough In his apartment out there in Prague

You know eastern europe is with those fucking buildings. They look like they're gonna fall down But they're not you know with those fucking angled stairways Just fucking with you guys. I'm this is what this is this is an old school thing that I do is I trash cities that i'm going to um I'm going to be going to Prague later on this year On that. Yeah, sorry just a little internal burp there on um I got a european tour coming up

That's going to begin in Prague And it's going to end in athens grease You know I don't know when we're going to announce it, but i'm announcing it now I don't know why you can't announce it maybe because i'm institutionalized for all these years working with netflix netflix always has Don't say what you're doing until we tell you when to say it what it is that you're doing um So yeah, it's going to be a nice fun run

Through europe and uh, I am very excited about that and some other dates and some of my shows went on presale Ticket sales were were amazing. So thank you to everybody that bought tickets Old freckles gets to again this year not have a real job Which really was the goal a lot of people get into this business because they have this creative thing They just have to get out of them I come over here in the story of michael jackson one time He was in he was in the studio and he was he was uh, he was recording one of his big heads. Who can it be now? That was him, right and um

At the end of the track he had to run out into the hall and dance it out of him whatever feeling he had now that that's a fucking artist Okay, you can have that in this business When he wasn't riding that little choo choo train around his property that right there Or climbing trees with eight year olds that was a fucking That was an artist and then you can have all the way down to me All right, who's a guy who tried out the real world? Oh, I did I packed a lunch I went to that building every fucking

Monday through friday for a couple of fucking years. I tried You know, I tried blue collar jobs. I sucked at that. I like the vibe better, you know Because you you sort of weren't sitting at a desk Um, I tried the suit and tie thing. I tried them all I tried sales I was a dental assistant. I got certified to take x-rays. I got my license to sell health insurance. Oh, I did it all I tried And I was like I I I don't like this is work. I don't want to fucking do this I don't want to do this. So that's the only reason why I do stand-up comedy. It's not because I like comedy I just don't want to go to the same fucking building. That's why I kind of liked about sales

My favorite part about sales was not selling somebody. It was the in-between part was driving to the The next appointment When it was the middle of the work day and I was out driving around that was my that was always my favorite part I had a job washing windows You know on like houses and stuff like that your fucking fingers would go numb with those those storm windows Some old lady would finally get her fucking windows Wash for the first time since the fucking korean conflict and you'd be sitting there trying to get them going like your index finger

You had to switch by the by the end of the day you were out of fingers You're down to your pink. He's trying to get them going, you know, you're using two fingers um It's not a vaguely graphic. I'm talking about opening windows. You fucking perverts. So, uh My favorite part of that job was driving between each job Unlike it was that we had it over the summer. It was a summer day. My buddy had this great He had a Ford f-150 four-wheel drive brand new like an 88 And that iconic silver and I thought that truck was fucking

gorgeous Always one of one of those, you know, it's funny. I ordered I ordered an f-250 last summer. Hey fucking ford motor company When are you gonna have the robots take 11 minutes out of their day and slap that thing together? So I could drive around town and act like I know how to fix things I'm dressing the part too. I'm gonna get a flannel I'm gonna buy I'm gonna go to what? Yeah, I'm gonna go to a fucking, uh, uh, what like what's those smelly stores with the old clothes? Vintage store, right? Oh my god, you can literally smell the people that died in those clothes

Although I will tell you I went into one of those the other day because my wife Wanted to go let's go in there. There you have all cute things in there And I go in there like oh my god. Can't how can't you smell somebody's dead grandmother in here? It's the combination of the smell and then you go up to the register and they literally have brooches Oh, is there anything creepier than a state jewelry? I always just picture the swollen knuckled finger that they pulled the ring off of When they came over there the person had been dead for four days and the cat was eating her face because it was no more fucking

Cat food around sorry That's what I think about when I go into a vintage store Other people go in there and they're like, hey, man, you know what I'm gonna dress Like the lead guitarist in an English an underrated English rock band from the 80s That's what they and they go in there and they sort of get a coat that's Kind of a world war one german coat, but not really You can also throw it over a suit, you know Or you get some suspenders and some leather pants and no shirt and then you throw the fucking

The nazi overcoat over you, you know, and then you got to have a nipple ring to tie the whole thing together That was that was a big, you know And then of a poor excuse for a fucking mohawk And some of those uh, seattle, uh, what were they the uh Not rick and barker. What were those fucking boots that everybody had with the stitching on the side, you know the ones The ones that comics comics used to wear when I when I when I moved to new york comics who wore those Those fucking shoes whatever they were they didn't like comics that had high energy

They thought that we were hacks Performers because they were writers and they would come out there in their shoes with the stitching down the side And they would just stand there and do their jokes and they would kill But they wouldn't kill like a performer and it always bugged them because their jokes were better than our jokes and they knew it You know, but we were up there Like fucking uh, tony robbins, you know With a headset selling

The shit out of our shit Sweating screaming falling down doing whatever the fuck we had to do Why because we wanted to make you laugh and make you forget about your troubles. No Because we didn't want to go back to the real world All right, anyway, I am coughing less Oh jesus, um Anyway, I watched the Celtics yesterday beat the fuck out of the portland trailblazers Portland trailblazers have not won the nba championship. I believe

Since 1977 which I also believe was the last year led zeppelin toward the united states of america In other words, what i'm saying is is there in a bit of a drought 46 fucking years Those guys like what did they do? What did they fucking that's like some poltergeist shit like I don't know what they built their stadium on but um The amount of talented people that they drafted and then they just get these inexplicable fucking injuries Like sam buoy was unbelievable

Was he at kansas? Was he at kentucky? I don't know those k schools um Every care speaker ends with k. What were those fucking cars those band-aid colored cars that those chicks used to drive around? Mary k cosmetics. There's another job. I would have tried out If I didn't become a comedian All right, and I wouldn't enjoy selling rouge to a fucking 84 year old what I would enjoy would be the drive over to the person's house Oh my god I would fucking spray perfume. I would put perfume right my mustache before I walked in there. So I wouldn't smell

Her impending death of that, you know when you walk in, you know I guess none of you guys had a paper Paper, it's like an old that's like a fucking churn and butter kind of job I used to have I had a paper from third grade until ninth grade And I remember you knew what customers were gonna die on your paper route You just knew when you walked in their house You know or if you walked into the house and everybody was young but you smelled death They were like, all right, then nan is in the basement or it's up in the attic one of the other

One of the other they got they got somebody moved in Either their grandfather or grandmother died and then the other one moved in and they're downstairs and they've begun the process of dying I can smell it Please pay me and get me the fuck out of here. This is this is killing and they would always have the heat cranked When you had a dying relative in your house, I don't care if it was july. They had the fucking heat on Oh, Billy, do you want to come in? No, that's good. That's I'm good. I'm good out here. No, but it's raining. I like the rain Shines up my freckles um

Any who Uh, let me see. I saw this movie Let me let me see I figure I I you know the the It was just too difficult to say the banshees of In assuring. I hope I'm saying it right um

I watched that the other night with nea and just absolutely Fucking loved that movie collin ferrell and brendan gleason are incredible And then there's this other kid in there barry. I'm gonna say it wrong keogan or whatever. Absolutely blew me away. Kerry condon Play in the sister um That's that was kind of an instant classic one of those ones. I'm just gonna go back to when I'm in that kind of mood Where um, I don't know watch the movie. I'm not gonna say what it was about but uh What I love about the two main characters is I've been both of them

At some point in my life not to the extreme that brendan gleason goes to but like definitely uh It's about a friendship that's kind of um Got to a difficult place All right, so Yeah, so I watched the uh, what's I've talked about the portland trailblazers and then they got uh, greg odin Who is just unstoppable at ohio state?

Big 10 legit basketball, you know And then they fucking draft him and he had like some fucking like microscopic Fracture of his knee they paid him all of this money could have picked him or kevin durant Let me see what the draft. Oh, these are always crazy. This this is like the worst thing a sports fan can do Is is go and they look up nba draft Greg Odin

To greg odin is just he's only 34 fucking years old 35 years old Unbelievable all right greg odin kevin durant that was the big thing that you who you're gonna pick And the seattle supersonics at that point we'll call the seattle sonics All right to 2007 nba draft Let's see it went as fault. This is the worst thing you can do as a sports fan because any of you Why the fuck did they take this guy when this guy the guy was still available? draft selections

Number one greg odin was selected first overall by the portland trailblazers But was plagued with knee injuries and retired after seven seasons Um I mean he was a fucking manchild The career that kid would have had kevin durant was selected second by the seattle supersonics and is considered to be one of the greatest scores of all time winning the 2014 mvp back-to-back final and finals mvps in 2017 and 18. I didn't know he got the finals mvp

al horford What a fucking draft was selected third overall by the lana hawks And has been named to five all-star teams. He's gonna get a championship this year. Hopefully mike connelly Uh selected fourth Oh joe keen noah When the fuck did that guy not show up to ball? Answer never every night mark assault pow's brother This is what kills me is this what is it like two rounds of the nba draft. This is the hardest fucking sport to make it

It there's two rounds 60 people get drafted That's it Think about that there's 64 teams In march madness in the tournament every year, so that means there's like four entire teams that won't get drafted If they took one player we we can do simple math we can do simple math don't talk down to us Oh you talk down to me with your simple math Oh, aren't you just a fucking high thread count cunt. I really want to get that going. Oh, hello fucking

Harry high thread count. That's not a good one That's a high thread count. It's just tough. That's why that never that never stuck Theodore thread count teddy thread count I'm gonna let that go it'll come to me. Um, all right. I'm gonna read a little bit of advertising I should say I'm gonna read a little bit of advertising. I'm not gonna read a little. Oh look at that picture Where'd the other one go that was when I took my daughter to her first and only red socks game airplanes over the years Off we go, you know, I went to um

I did a nice flight the other day man. This is the time of year to go fly When it's rained like that this year. I'm telling you I was talking to this guy the other day. I went to uh My daughter went to a birthday party. I was talking to the dad And he was going like yeah, it looks like Ireland out here Portland, Oregon. It's amazing and I was flying out. Um This is fun time to go out too over like the ocean because the whales ah the whales They're starting to migrate Whatever the fuck they're doing. I've only seen one ever Looked like a glow stick because it was like noon

And it was uh really sunny out and it was just below the surface and the sun glistening glistening off of it That's all it didn't look like a whale. It was kind of disappointed. I was like do some whale shit You know, bring your tail up and smash somebody's little boat There's another thing too. Hollywood has a lot of balls You know, when you look at the casting casting, what do I say it like that? The way they fucking wagged I I'll never get over that the way they wagged their finger about social fucking issues The shit that they've done with animals the stereotypes that they've done with them I just watched surpreco the other night with some buddies

my god Fucking amazing movie, but the roles that black people have in it. There was a one first woman She's getting raped by like three black dudes Uh every black like we were actually we got the three quarters of the movie I'm like that is literally the first black guy that has not got that I've seen this movie That was not doing something illegal and then got arrested And then all these years later, they're like hey red states Why don't you get it together like we have it together?

Um, you ever think that maybe a lot of the ways that they think about those people was because of the movies that you fucking Liberal cunts made you ever think about that? Look at me trying to make points. All right simply safe You know if you're a regular listen You know at my age regular means something else, but I I still have a young brain. I know what they're talking about here You know, I always recommend simply safe home security and I'm not the only one And I'm not the only one What was that you may say?

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I'm telling you man. I have the best pause In podcast advertising reading. I'll fucking go up with any of them I'll go up against the big dogs doesn't bother me um Hey, so my son's a little over two and a half now So he's old enough and I just I take him fucking everywhere now. It's my favorite thing to do um It's just the best and I got that idea

From the late great David Richardson one of our writers on f is for family and when I was having a boy He he was telling me He goes oh, he goes I used to take my son everywhere. I took him everywhere. I just always stuck with me I was thinking like man, what a great dad That's a great dad thing to do and I immediately started doing it with my daughter Because I never took my daughter anyway because because she was my first And I was just like I mean the paranoia that I fucking had I remember sitting out on the front porch with her

You know Sit I got an old man rocking chair. You know, you got to do it people. Just don't fight aging. Just do it Okay, get yourself a little button-up sweater in a pipe in a rocking chair So I'm sitting there. I'm on this rocking chair and I second I got out there and I sat in that chair You know finally became a dad so late in life and I couldn't believe it overjoyed over flowed with love The second I sat down the immediately the first thing I thought of was a bird of prey swooping in Trying to grab my daughter and I pictured ripping the things legs off and stabbing it to death with its own talents

And like do you remember when that fucking Nazi was stabbing that that Jewish army guy there and uh Saving Private Ryan and he was talking to him before he did it. That's what I was going to do to the bird So needless to say I didn't take her anywhere until uh, David Richardson who I I missed tremendously Um, one of the darkest senses of humor of anybody I've ever met Him and Mark Wilmore. What a massive loss is to comedy. Um, anyways, that's a sad way Sad way to end but I am thinking about death lately because uh My friend Diana passed away um

Unreal every time I stretch now and roll out. I just I'll I'll never not think of her if you didn't listen to my last podcast She was my 75 year old masseuse Jedi masseuse that got rid of my sciatic nerve problems frozen shoulder Rotator cuff things. My back was like twisted. You know, I was all fucked up from lifting in the 80s and the 80s I was actually talking to a buddy of mine who actually introduced me to her And we were laughing and I was saying about her I was like, you know, if you lined up everybody that she helped in life And everybody that she told off because she didn't take shit from anybody like both lines would disappear over the horizon

She was fucking hilarious and uh, one of the truly just great people I've ever met in my life So once again, I'm still eulogizing her rest her soul. All right, so that's the podcast Please enjoy the music that the great andrew femalus picks out And then we'll have a bonus episode of the thursday Afternoon just before friday money money podcast after this. I hope you guys have a great day and a wonderful weekend You Hey, what's going on? It's bill burn. It's the monday morning podcast from monday march 9th 2015 how's it going? How are you? Um

Oh billy bloodbath was fucking sick as a goddamn dog I think all of the world travel caught up to me. I had a sore throat. I think I got a bad case of fucking You know, I was over there in southeast asia You know what I mean? You gotta love the asians the second they start getting sick. What do they do? They walk around coughing all over everybody like they do here in america. Fuck no they go out and they get themselves a surgical mask God knows they're so goddamn smart. Half of them are probably in medical school. So they probably get them free at charge, but still It's still considerate, right? I don't know. Maybe I fucking walked by somebody over there that wasn't wearing one

Who should have been like the one inconsiderate person in hong kong or singapore or something? All right, and they're not the reality was as I went through all Jesus and this is like the best I've felt in three days And I know what you guys are gonna say. Oh, you know what it is bill. It's just cigars. Well, fuck you I don't need to hear it from you Leonard Nimoy Said a tweet on his fucking deathbed that changed my world All right

I'm done with the fuck. I'm not done with them, but I'm done with them All right, I haven't smoked in uh What two weeks Oh, yeah, why are you being so cunty? All right, it's good. That's good for me. It's good for me you know Two weeks without a stoke 16 days I've gone and uh, I'm good man. I'm not gonna smoke one until I do that the bus tour when I go down south, man Go down there and fucking swore people

They down there. What do they do? Well, they're down there wrestling an alligator Boy, what you doing? I see what you're doing. It was rhetorical question. Why don't you go wait out in the swamp and see what you can catch with your foot? Drag it back on on the beach and I'll shoot it with shotgun mom over there throwing a pot. What do you think? Huh? What do you think? Huh? Thank you That little skit was called the other white people

You know what I mean? When they're always trying to act like white people all evil running banks, you know Just remember some of them are in swamps Shooting varmints so they can eat that night. That's what I learned this week When I just sat I sat in bed. I laid in bed From fucking Thursday Right through to yesterday Sunday. I just stayed in bed I fucking cancelled everything

I was just you know cancelled shows You know, I was supposed to go on a picnic. I said I can't do that You know, which really upset things because not only was I bringing the basket. I was also bringing a tablecloth. So my apologies I'm kidding. I didn't have a picnic You know, I'm thinking of a picnic because I I uh I saw this thing Louis Vuitton makes they actually make this fucking little bar This portable bar. This is when you know, you're a booze, huh?

you know Yeah, your wife's looking at some fucking, you know Whatever the fuck they look at in those stores And you're like just thumbing through the catalog going look at this overpriced bullshit, right? Then all of a sudden you go Oh, wait a minute. They got a bar And you can bring it with you Like that's like some old-school shit before mothers against drinking and driving before drinking and driving was even a problem First of all back in the day. It's like how many people even had cars?

right you know There's barely any fucking roads And they were all pretty much straight went right from the farmhouse right to downtown, right? There wasn't a problem You made your booze at home anyways, right in your bathtub. There wasn't a problem So that was the thing you had to bring your booze from home over to somebody else's. I just I don't know I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about, but I laid in bed for uh Um, I don't know Thursday Friday Saturday

And right into sunday, and I watched a bunch of sports And I watched a bunch of fucking movies All from like the middle of the movie Like I saw the middle of The seth rogan neighbor's movie I saw that just about right after they had moved the kids had moved in to the end of the movie

Then I flipped over I kept missing like the first 20 minutes of every movie. I saw the vince von owen wilson I don't know what happened somehow they ended up at this computer company I saw that one Uh, oh, and then I watched that whole fucking that robert durst jinxed Is anybody been watching that it's about this fucking rich dude, right? It's rich fella who uh

He's just jinxed like everywhere. He goes like somebody dies It's like murder. She wrote except this person's always the suspect That was like the old joke with like murder. She wrote like everywhere that woman went There was always a murder, but she was never a suspect. Well, this guy Everywhere he went there was a murder and he was always the suspect I mean this poor bastard you know

Somebody was always getting murdered in his vicinity And they kept trying to pin it on him and they couldn't do it Like his first wife His first wife he said I took her down to the train station. That's the last time I ever saw That was like 30 years ago They never were able to pin that on him. He had some brought out in cali living in la

They have him in the state of california But he flew into northern california way up north like near eureka And so all they can do is put him in the state Which is like saying, you know, there was a murder in south carolina Uh, yeah, well, I was in massachusetts. I mean, that's how long the fucking state is And then the last one was uh, he had a tenant And that one he actually admitted to killing but he said it was in self-defense And he chopped up the body because he didn't think anybody was going to believe him

Um, you got to see this thing and just the way the guy talks He sounds like the guy who does the voiceover On the cadbury egg egg commercials, you know Because when he's gone they're gone. He sounded just like that like he would just be going like I never knowingly lied I never I never Purposely I never purposely lied

About anything I mean Telling the whole truth. I mean nobody tells the whole truth, but I never lied. I mean Sure, did I leave things out? You know, you ask just if if I leave this out Because it won't Be not the truth, but

If I'm worried of how it will be interpreted that it could actually hurt me, then yes, you leave it out, but I never Purposely knowingly lied You got to see this guy And the more you watch this I mean right off the bat, you're like this fucking guy did this shit and the more you watch it You're just like, you know, go in the other direction. You're like this guy This guy really did this shit this guy without a doubt. How is this guy walking? Oh, that's right. He sees filthy stinking rich I Watched that and I watched fucking people down in a swamp shooting gators

This kid all nervous wanted to rassle his first alligator and I thought I was like Jesus Christ He's gonna get in the water with this fucking thing and all it meant was when they got one on the line Trying to pull it into the boat without having that thing pull you over pull you under While your uncle sits there with the shotgun go and hold him still and they fucking blow its head off I mean, what do you do with it? I mean, you're sitting there like you got to shoot an alligator in the face I mean, you got to think like his belly alone You get those large scales of some shoes. I mean there's pimps out there. They'll pay 12 grand a pair Right

walking over to tom for I Never knowingly I'm gonna I'm gonna use that with my wife one time, right? I When she sits there giving me shit about something You know, he's thought you're gonna be home at two. It's four in the morning. Oh, hey, I'll show you. I'd be like, look, I never Purposely knowingly lied about when I was gonna come home to you Did I leave out some of the truth about buying the last 14 rounds? I mean, nobody tells the whole truth

um Anyways, so uh, what else did I watch? I watched carolina duke Duke Duke Duke Duke up or I watched that shit and just sat there enjoying that rivalry and Whenever I watched Duke carolina or any big like college football game Does anybody else like this like don't you did you ever just wish like meh? I wish I studied You know, I wish I studied in high school and actually got into a good college So I could follow a fucking, you know At the college I went to I had no fucking sports program. There's no way to follow

There's no way to follow. What do I do? You know what I mean? If you fucking go to Ohio State like any fucking mouth-breathing jerk off In in in the state of Ohio, it's a fucking state school You can get in there university of michigan just to be fair with that rivalry If you get your you could be living in a goddamn Fucking cow patch on the upper peninsula of michigan. You can go to the university of michigan

All you got to do is I don't know what you got to do fucking, you know, have like a fucking b-minus average maybe Then come stumbling out of that campus campus with your fucking Blue and maze poncho when you're in the game That little bus city they got there this fucking campus is so big they got buses and shit They got all these fucking schools. Well, you don't even have to be that smart to get into like usc. There's another one You just show up with a tan line you get in at the school and then for the rest of your fucking life You get to you get to kind of still be connected and root for the old team You know put on your raccoon fucking

floor length coat Round round just move by right 23 skidoo, whatever the fuck they do call a Statue of Liberty play You get to fucking hang in there Fucking what the hell was I thinking? Why didn't I start? I never purposely Didn't study Or lie to my teachers um

Now fucking kills me Kills me that my adopted school is lsu, right? Like that's that's one of those schools that like, you know Basically, if you just have teeth they're gonna let you in if you're in fucking Louisiana And you know, I know this is offending a lot of people but the truth hurts those giant fucking schools They have so many buildings They have so much real estate the fucking the overhead they have just to keep that just to keep the grass mowed Anything with a pulse that's from that state that's walking in they're taking your money. They don't give a fuck

Go ahead go go buy a goddamn Fucking go tigers t-shirt go go fucking do that and then then they they give it to the out of state people Like I actually would have been smart as an out of state student to get into lsu All right, but if if I lived in Louisiana all right I was down there in the swamp right down there in the marsh You know what I mean with my fucking jeans all rolled up mid calf

Down there trying to get some side wanders and some fucking crawfish. Whatever they do down there I mean, you know, you don't have time to fucking learn how to read You know a fucking state like Louisiana. I mean come on We all Alabama University of Alabama. I mean in arbor Jesus Christ They just have this invisible line They're just trying to get people to learn how to read even at even at the college level If you just fucking somewhere, you know They're just trying to get caught up

Just so they're still recognized as a state anybody in the northern part you guys wear you guys wear crimson Which is they they think is so like oh my god a fancy name for the word red right They they let them go to fucking Alabama and then any animals left down south they send them to harvard That's all it is and then what they do is when out of state people show up Everybody fucking dresses up and they put on their saddle shoes and their fucking sweaters And then they jack up the prices You know what I mean because someone like me I came from a real state

massachusetts and you know I'm used to schools like fucking harvard and mit Like that's like that's the high watermark Of where i'm where my head is at obviously i'm gonna think That you have to be smart to go to the university of georgia. I've never been there I don't realize that most of the people don't have running water in these states So if I was to show up there, I would just be you know, I'd I would have to pay through the nose. So

That's why I never uh, I didn't study When I was in high school because I was like, well, there's no way I'm getting into harvard There's no way I'm getting into mit And then the other school, you know here in fucking massachusetts. It's just basically Uh, you know, let's get shit-faced for four years essentially, right I gotta pick one of these schools Oh, and I went to all of them. I went to like three different schools in massachusetts before I finally finished up, right?

But I never went out of state because I just assumed that you know You had to be smart to get in those schools had I know now that I've gone around I've done stand-up at most of those schools and I saw The the the unbelievable uh, the horror of what is the educational system in this country? I mean I mean, I think I would have studied What do I want to go on? That's funny if somebody's gonna cut that up and they're gonna put it on some fucking uh

Returning uh sophomore website or whatever the fucking incoming freshman thing Gotta get fucking sued for libel maybe And I'll just say it's it's a comedy podcast. It was just jokes I wasn't knowingly lying about your school By the way speaking of that type of shit getting in trouble for shit that you say I gotta tell you something right now watching curt schilling Going after everybody who trolled his fucking daughter Is one of the greatest things I've ever seen on the internet

I am I am so Like just loving every second of watching curt schilling do that shit. That's the funniest shit ever This I as far as I can tell he's the first guy that ever flipped the light switch on And sent all the roaches running for the corners All those tough talking fucking, you know, these people that just fucking fucking around or whatever and schilling's going like You know, I know all their names. I know where they live. I know where they work And how he's gonna shut them down

And how these tweets are gonna follow them for the rest of their lives. It's like current you're not that important It's not gonna follow them for the rest of the life for their lives. Okay. It's very current You know And then it's gonna be fucking over I think it's gonna be but I actually think it's funny that every once in a while you need that balance You know just to keep trolls on their toes I don't know. I think it's funny. He's fucking hell. I mean god knows comedians get in trouble for everything every five seconds Why can't trolls?

This fucking idiots hey congratulations, they weren't even good jokes either Congratulations, my daughter. She's gonna be pitching at this school. That's the way. Huh. Huh. I'm gonna rape her. Huh tweet Then he loses his job at like fucking Papa John's He's sitting there crying in some empty pizza box. It was just a joke, man I can't believe that guy with the fucking world series rings Is taking my job, man Uh Something the Yankees organization lost their fucking job. I think it's fucking

It's hilarious You know because they do it to entertainers all the fucking time anything we tweet all of a sudden is taken seriously All of a sudden you can't go aflac or whatever the fuck People's jobs were obviously you lose that million dollar job. Well good for you Now you lose your fucking uh Working at Starbucks job I don't know. I just think it's funny. I think it would be great. I think it'd be great if every once in a while That happened to trolls

Oh guys, I apologize, man Fuck You know what happened it was when I was really sick. I was cranking the heat like an asshole And uh, not like an asshole is going through the fucking sweats and chills sweats and chills Right. I was like I was kicking heroin or something and I was cranking the heat And then my throat got unbelievably dry and dry I never knowingly had a dry. I'm sorry. I must stop doing that. Um

And I never attributed to the fact I thought it was because I was sick and that I was actually, you know, I dried out the fucking air And uh last night I finally took out the old, uh, humidifier And it changed my goddamn world And you know something I never would have thought to do that if I didn't try to get my pilot's license because I wouldn't have learned about the weather And moisture in the air or anything and never would have understood it. It still would have been magic Weather always blew my mind That people couldn't understand what was going on. I'm like it was like air is invisible That's one of the most that's one to me. That's one of the greatest accomplishments of human beings is being able to

understand weather Like how to fuck Somebody sat there And rather just enjoying the breeze Had to figure out why there was a breeze Figured out somehow that that there was air more dense than other air And that high pressure wants to go to low pressure and when you feel a breeze That's fucking

air moving from one System to another. I would have fuck has time to figure that out or maybe you're standing in in in a fucking I don't know in an alley And you're getting the fucking, uh, venturi effect like in a carburetor Right Like who had the fucking those fucking egg heads you just got you got to give it to him But I gotta tell you we are, uh, despite how smart we were too smart for our own fucking good. I am convinced of that shit

I gotta tell you that's why that that fucking fella there You know Old pretzel man there You know with the computer voice really annoys the shit out of me because he's the stuff he's predicting is pretty basic, isn't it? He's basically predicting that we're going that we're going to be Uh, you know, we're going to be we're going to hasten our own demise. It's just like gee gee wow How'd you come up with that because of every fucking thing we've ever done? You jerk off

So fucking say everybody's so fucking blown away is because he's got a computer voice. You know what I mean? They didn't treat roger dibert that way all of a sudden he didn't know every fucking thing about movies. Did he? Why are we listening to this guy like he fucking knows everything? You know what could you feel bad for him? You know, maybe he was a cunt He just don't know it now now he doesn't have the ability to do it. I bet he was a pompous ass He's kind of like the original hater, isn't he? He's just fucking he's kind of rather than doing it individually on twitter He's fucking doing it to the whole world I

Love how there's people like that. It's just like, you know something. Why don't you fucking wheel yourself into vegas? Okay, and go make it just fucking Win every goddamn game if you're this good about the future and shit. Why don't you go bet on some fucking football games? Why don't you sit down at a blackjack table? All right, and just bust some casino out. Stop with your fucking. Oh in your future tidal waves gonna shut up The guy going around giving speeches Unbelievable

Anyways, ah, Jesus. That's a bad one. That was the whole Jesus. I was a bad No, you know, I'm blaming that last one on cold medicine. Um, all right. This is this is the this is the monday morning podcast here and I know it's a little late this morning But uh, like I said, I'm trying to finish up that helicopter shit I had a lesson this morning. All right, I had to cancel two last week because I had whooping cough And I had to go this morning. How did I fly actually flew pretty good? I flew over the la river and when I looked at I saw this guy in a segway. I swear to god, I think he fucking juiced it up You know having a cough really affects your timing

All right, you know what I need I need a lodging Is that somebody knocking or is that the dog clear? What are you doing? My god, I'm gonna have to hit fucking pause. Oh, and I can tell you guys this is sick as I am Fuck I um You know one of the things when you're sick as a man by the time you come out the other side you have a beard Right? There's somebody having a beard

It just makes you feel like you're homeless, right? So I had to shave this thing off. I'm gonna try to talk through the cough and um Fucking Christ Ah This is fucking unreal um So I go to shave this fucking thing off I had to pause All right, I'm back Jesus Christ. I got bad

That was gonna cough up a fucking lung here so I'm going to trim this fucking beard off And I'm trimming the whiskers around my mouth and my nose is stuffed up because I have a cold so without Realizing that my mouth was a little bit open. I was breathing through my mouth And I inhaled A fucking whisker and it's still in the back of my throat That's fucking driving me nuts. I'm eating like half a loaf of fucking bread

I can't get it out of this so right now When it switches around I already had the sore throat then I got this fucking whisker back there I'm in my own living hell here. Do you know last night? I'm laying in bed I'm stopped sorry All right, I'm back Jesus fucking Christ This something happens when I'm fucking I my nose gets stuffed up I stop breathing through my mouth that dries out my throat and then that fucking whisker starts wagging its tail back there

I'm finished So last night I'm laying in bed and And that fucking whiskers driving me crazy And I just I just opened my eyes and said fuck this Like you know that moment in no country for old old men When uh, what's his face decides he's gonna go back and get that dude some agua It was like that moment right and I went upstairs

And I opened up this takeout food like uh utensils And I took out the knife All right, and then I got some invisible tape Or whatever the fuck you call you know masking tape, you know the fucking shit you do to wrap presents with whatever the fuck It's called it's tape And uh, I fucking tape up the handle All right, and then I just take this fucking Plastic knife with the tape on it

And I just stick it down my throat because my thing is the tape is going to stick to the hair And it's going to pull out Well, what ended up happening was I stuck it down my throat and uh Once the tape gets wet it doesn't work. I didn't realize that so I kept putting it down my throat And as I'm putting it down the my throat just ignoring the gag reflexes. It's I'm going Just doing that right which is also causing my tongue to become concave which is making it harder. I need it to fucking stand strong So I was thinking that that's the reason why I couldn't get this fucking thing

and uh I finally just mentally was just like I'm ignoring the gag reflex And I was able to fucking mind fuck the gag reflex for a split second And but what the result was I made a noise that sounded like somebody else made it It didn't even sound like my own voice And it actually made me laugh and then I puked And I gotta tell you something The fucking hair still back there

I can't get rid of it. So I guess I just gotta eat like 90,000 fucking loaves of bread if anybody Has a solution. I looked it up on the internet. Nobody has a solution Nobody out there. Nobody knows what the fuck you're supposed to do. All right. Um Hey, by the way I'm going to read emails at the end of this if you'd like to send an email to this podcast The podcast email is bill at the mm podcast dot com and the twitter is at the mm podcast All right Yeah, all right. Okay

Here we here we go reactions To last week's email about keeping the name isis bill the overwhelming majority of people said Uh that that that they should keep the name isis reasons varied from don't let the terrorists win To it's a great song So there you go follow up To the girlfriend's breath stinks. Oh, I remember a couple weeks ago this guy met the woman of his dreams and um

Her breath uh is george carlin would say uh could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon Um, he had to figure out a nice way to say that um All right bill. I here's the follow-up bill I emailed a few weeks ago back a few weeks back asking you What to do about my girlfriend's breath your advice as well as nears was taken to heart and put in action Oh, jesus. Here we go. At first. I thought maybe giving her my ipod saying You have to listen to this and player the audio of you two talking about what I should do while I walked away

But I thought better of it. Oh, jesus christ. Don't do that You better hope she never fucking hears any of this I never even thought of that. I'm so fucking wound up in my own bullshit. Um He goes anyways, I saw her I sort of just sat her down told her I loved her very good Uh, she was at that point was going like all right. He's either gonna break up with me or tell me that he's gay Um, look before we go anywhere. I just want to you know that I love you. You know, fuck here. It comes What do you got a third nipple? um

So anyways, he says that he loves her and that I wanted her to go to the dentist because everyone should I told her I'd pay for her first visit And then get her on my dental plan when I start work Fortunately, she asks Why does my breath stink or something? Sort of with a laugh Like she was except expecting me to say no But I kind of raised my eyebrows and shoulders and smirked a bit. Oh

Oh, and she goes wasn't this smooth smoothest way of doing it And she was a little taken aback But that was expected She thanked me for offering to pay and told me she'd start taking better care of herself I don't think she can do much more though because I did see her brush and floss all the time Should have said that before clarifying clarifying some things. Anyways, hopefully the dentist finds out what's wrong and everything turns out All right. Thanks a bunch and thanks. Thank nea for me too. All right. There you go so

um What was I gonna say that's a good deal. Yeah, she I remember hearing a story some I forget where the hell I heard it, but It turned out to be a sinus infection And there's just something about like When your breath just stinks like you just can't smell it Which makes no fucking sense And every comic in the world has done a joke that makes no sense because your nose is right above your mouth

You ought to be smelling it all the fucking time and you can't Um, well, thank god it worked out. Um, I was actually meaning to read uh Advertising here, but it's probably good that I read some nice emails after my Previous fucking hacking up along there. All right All right, let's get back to this shit here. Oh, by the way, I bought a dvd the other day because I'm old All right I'm getting soundcloud taken off my computer because I'm bold. Oh shit. Am I rapping? Um, I actually am getting it taken off

Fucking assholes. I go to go into my fucking phone to play a song that I always play and all of a sudden it's not available anymore There's a little cloud next to it. Oh, oh, is that what you put it? Oh, oh, thank you Thank you for solving my fucking full phone problem without even consulting me first. You fucking weirdo I love like they act like they're doing me a favor Then I had to download something else to be able to do it and it was actually going to cost me more money for this song that I already owned Why don't you just say my phone's your phone's full? Go move some of this shit to an external hard drive and then come back. You can download more shit. Why don't you just do that? Stop acting like you're doing me a favor by oh, hey, I'll hold on to you some of your shit

I don't know. I'm sure some fucking nerd will tell me that I'm being paranoid, but I don't think I am I don't think I am so anyways, I bought jojo mayors knew uh, what's not new came out last year his um, his follow-up to secrets of the modern drummer or whatever the fuck it's called and uh This is the one he did one a couple years ago That was about all these different, you know molar techniques and all that type of shit Um molar method and all that different grips and all that shit because he can play at blinding speeds

And never get tired right Because he's using it all efficiently. It's all physics of that shit so this guy Jojo mayor has the fastest bass drum foot I have ever heard in my life And I know that's saying a lot for a single bass drum player This guy can do three four in a row like I never heard anything like it blew people away and

It's basically the same kind of uh Like that push pull method that you do with you with with uh with your hand He does it with his foot and just had the discipline to sit there and do it and I saw steve gad do something like that first on his up close video like 30 years ago And jojo has just taken it to a whole other level. So now he has a dvd where he breaks it down and

Basically now that that knowledge is out there and then he showed everybody how to do it. I can't imagine What this next generation of drummers is gonna be just from from day one from the day one When you sit down to learn drums like that information is already on video for you to watch like this is why like Some of these kids I see every time I think I'm getting better at drums. There'll be some eight-year-old kid Not even on youtube because there's already like, you know prodigies has always been kids like that But I'll just go down to guitar center or whatever and there's always some kid in there After I played I think I sounded all right if any other drummer was listening like some kid will just sit down

I'm like, ah you motherfucker There's always somebody better. So anyways, that's gonna be my new obsession I mean if you could do half the shit that this guy did You know just being able to play along to so many of those Songs just growing up there. It was like, oh my god. How's that guy's foot so fast? It will be a joke Like like the fact that this guy rather than just figuring out this shit himself And just hoarding it to himself and not letting anybody film him the fact that he just shares it with everybody so fucking cool And it's like this total like

It's a three dvd thing. I mean the first one was like an hour and a half long I don't even know how long the other ones are one of them is just the entire history of the bass drum itself I mean this guy is obsessed in a in a great way about the whole thing. So I highly recommend it um Like I said, I was laid up for fucking three four days and um That's all I did was just sit there and uh Uh, I watched this thing on women in prison

And you're thinking like, all right, man, this can't be worse than guys But you know, oh my god, just you know, they just showed the blood After a fight that was on the floor between two and they didn't even have any weapons I mean it looked like somebody fucking Got it a pig Fucking I I would never The only way I could ever survive in prison was the second I got there would be to attack a guard And then survive the beat down

and Every time they went to take me out of the hole I would just attack them again and then then they finally just decide that this person cannot be around anybody else And then I would slowly go crazy They'd let me out once a day my vision would end up being fucked up You know your eyes actually if they keep you in a cell long enough They actually fucks with your vision you lose your farsighted ability Because you don't use it anymore because you're fucking looking

And you know you can't see beyond eight feet Isn't that fucked I saw something about that one time I can't remember where or did maybe somebody tell me that and they had no scientific background I have no idea, but I'm presenting it as fact Um What else uh, oh Jesus. I'm tapering off here. Oh, and I saw commercial for the new fucking Cadillac Four door fucking sedan that's gonna go 200 miles an hour How fucking great is that? I swear to god

I swear to god. I think we're handling global warming perfectly Just stay the fucking course And when at all just you know, whatever when the water rises up like it is in miami You know when that happens over the last bit of green land, you know, we had a good time We had a good fucking time. We had a nice run You know Why not 200 mile an hour sedan phenomenal Um, all right, let me read a couple more of these things. I apologize for the weird breathing

The sound of my fucking cough drop, but I have my plane hurt this week. All right. Give me a break Just be lucky. You can't smell the vix vapor rub All right girlfriend flirting girlfriend flirting Hello red billy boy. I have a question for the podcast Um, I met a great girl six months ago six months ago. She's a real lady And she prides herself on being honest and loyal That's a red flag

Anybody who says I pride myself on being honest and loyal. I just feel like they're already fucking That's like roger clements when he used to always do the workout videos You know for the local tv. Look how hard he works out and you find how he's fucking You know doing roids or whatever the fuck you got busted for Here's another one. I noticed I watched a lot of reality tv with my wife and she watches the fucking uh The apprentice Donald trump This is what I learned anybody who uses that expression

Uh Lead follower will get out of the way Way All right, they're they're always a fucking moron And they're always it's they're basically saying like fucking. I want you to do everything my way That's such a moron Expression lead follow or get out of the way I don't know who came up with that but it was instantly on t-shirts

And I never saw anybody remotely intelligent with the t-shirt that said lead follow or get out of the way It's just that classically. I don't I know how to do shit Lead follow get out of the way fucking iron zaring was saying that This is how pathetic my life was I was watching iron zaring on uh, it was my dog by the way iron zaring on fucking The apprentice And he had to come in his team had to come up with a jingle for some sort of New fucking Budweiser that they wanted to promote Down in the Caribbean

So he decides he's going to come up with a jingle It's between him and johnny daemon. So you know the song is going to be good, right? And he comes up with like, uh You know drink fucking Budweiser It's like kukaracha and they're looking at him And he like he's like I gotta get away from you guys because you're singing other stuff I need to go over here and create and he comes back with new lyrics for la kukaracha

right He fucking he he fucking vanilla iced it And then they're like, dude, that's la kukaracha. We can't use that And he got all fucking pissy so We got to use something else or whatever and he just kept saying lead follow or get or get out of the way So the the the project manager finally looks at him. She goes. I am leading And he goes, well, you got to delegate. She goes, I am delegating. I need you to shut the fuck up

That was great And he got all mad He got mad and then what time for them to present it to donald trump he half-assed it He didn't sing along. He was a big fucking baby How can you be 50 years old to be that big of a fucking baby? It just was unreal. You get a pout Who the fuck pouts at 50? Now you can get my way. What did they take your fucking pale and shovel? Gives a fuck

Let somebody else write the song and if it sucks, they're gonna get fired Put your heart and soul into it and he didn't he acted like a cunt And you know what he got himself fucking booted right back to bevelly hills That poor bastard You know what if he was 10 years younger, he would have got the good hair plucks You know He would have if he got those late 90 ones. I'll tell you those a little rough one, you know Um, what am I doing here?

Uh, I met a girl six months ago. All right. Here we go. Lead follower get out of the way, right? All right Now a few weeks ago She said that she doesn't even flirt which seems seemed very odd Yeah, yeah, she's already like she's let me just recap this She's a real lady and she prides herself on being honest and loyal a few weeks ago She said she doesn't even flirt Which seemed very odd a few days later. I heard her giggling and being very flirty with this guy She studies with I confronted her about this and she said this is how she always talks to him

And i'm overreacting. I let it go since I always sometimes flirt with other girls when she's not around This week she's going on vacation with her colleagues. This guy is also going all the same guy. Oh, Jesus I brought up the vacation subject and mentioned that in trips Uh, that I have been as a single guy. There was a lot of sex and partying Uh, she says that they don't do that and tries to change the subject Let me guess is she going to hedonism? Down on the island there, whatever the fuck that goes down. Uh, she says I don't think That she is cheating by feel that she is hiding something

She also doesn't seem very attracted to me lately. Even those she says so What's your take on this one? What do you think about flirting? Uh, thanks and go fuck yourself Um, I think you're with a lying sack of shit Who's a sociopath and they're saying all the right fucking things Um And it's also somebody that is hasn't found who they want to be with and they're afraid to be alone So they just get with people and when the initial attraction wears off they

Rather than break up. They just keep fucking lying and I never knowingly intentionally lied I think you have to listen to your gut here I think she's I think this is the tip of the iceberg. This is only six months in She's going on a fucking vacation with other colleagues dude six months in if this chick was into you She didn't want to go on vacation with you She wants to go on vacation with this fucking creeps She caught her flirting with after she said she doesn't flirt when you didn't even give her shit about flirting She went out of her way to say she doesn't flirt

Give me a fucking break Hey, I'm a really honest and loyal person. Oh by the way, I don't do heroin Why why why did you just bring that up? Oh, you know, I'm just It's putting it out there. I don't believe in it See, you know, all the spoons are bent Um, that's just my gut the way you presented it too by the way You might have left some stuff out but the way you presented it. I think she's I think she's a fucking liar Um

All right, ps. Thank you for sharing your honest insight you funny bastard I love the advice on life and women. I also don't trust banks. Oh, that's nice. All right Well, I don't trust your girlfriend How about that? What do you say? Hey, what do you say there? Huh? What do you say there? um You know, it's funny about that and if she actually did cheat And you confronted her about it on one of these fucking tv shows that they would actually still they would still somehow blame the guy You know what I mean

I love that shit like They actually there's there's an article somewhere on the internet. I saw it You know those things that they try to just get you to click on it and it always works for me You know the top 10 bad celebrity nose jobs The top 10 fucking gangster movies of all time blah blah blah blah They had the top 10 reasons women cheat, right? So I looked it up and eight of the reasons were the guy's fault It's the funniest fucking shit ever

Oh another movie I saw a little bit of remember that movie monster with charlie's theron um That that movie is one of the most sexist fucking movies of all fucking time But it'll never be called on it because it's it's going in the other direction The fact that that is a movie about a serial killer is it's Like when you look at movies about serial killers like the jeffrey darmer one the henry portrait of a serial killer They are they are fucking

They are monsters, right This fucking movie despite the fact it was called monster It was a goddamn love story and they justified so much of her killing to the point when she finally gets busted It's this big emotional moment Of when her her lover is is kind of betray her and rat her out on the stands And is her you know charlie's his character is sitting there crying She's saying with her eyes like it's okay, baby. I understand. Do you know how fucking infuriated I would be If I was a relative one of the actual victims of that absolute fucking lunatic

serial killer They almost made her a fucking hero I mean I was waiting for this sally field moment when she just stands up and holds uh union now is You know for other fucking female serial killers It was ridiculous. I don't know. I don't I don't have any uh I don't know. I'm getting very Extra jaded as I get older and I I I'm giving a fuck less about people's complaints Because I'm finding they never complain for other people

They're always bitching for themselves, right? Like take the oscars Women got up there right and they complained that they don't get paid enough and blah blah blah blah blah blah Now why are they complaining? Are they complaining because it's unfair? Or are they complaining because it's unfair and it's happening to them? You know what I mean? Which is the reason why guys aren't complaining about it because they don't give a fuck about it because it's not happening to them

But that doesn't make women better people because women don't give a fuck about the shit that's happening to guys Have you ever seen a woman out there? That gives a fuck that there's yet another fucking man Standing in a bay window looking out seeing a fedex or a ups truck pulling up As he's just sitting there having a mini heart attack thinking in his head. Jesus christ. What the fuck did she buy now? She's spending all my fucking money. What the fuck could she have possibly bought now? She's spending it faster than I can make it You know, what about that financial dynamic?

Do they ever bring that up? Have you ever seen a woman stick up for a guy in that fucking situation? Why would they? They don't have time. They have their own fucking problems. So that's how I view it Oh, is that what's happening to you? Ah, that sucks for you um I don't really feel that but it's just It's just fun to annoy people sometimes. Um, all right, let's plow ahead here

I do I'm in look obviously I feel like people should make The same amount, you know, if you do the same fucking job All right, but you know when you're also completely fucking That same group of people over that you're bitching about in a hundred other fucking areas of life And you choose to overlook at it overlook it, you know what I mean? Maybe guys make more money so we can afford To fucking get a one bedroom apartment after you keep the fucking house during the divorce Maybe you ever think maybe that's why we make more from per movie

I don't know just for anyways in general just watching people complaining about being in movies is Is something fucking hilarious to me There's just something about I'll be ever since I went to india. It's just over when I listen to myself complain There's always in the back of my head I just think of some of the shit that I saw there and it all just becomes funny to me not in a disrespectful way to india but Like laughing at myself that what my complaints are You know when I pretend to be a cowboy, I don't make as much as you do

No, what size is your mansion? um fat shaming help Hey there, billy back on the wagon. I am back on the wagon I mean, I had a couple of fuck I had a glass of wine last night, but I have not been boozing This is not what a good boy. I've been paul verzi The great paul verzi Was at my house and I watched him smoke a cuban cigar and I did not smoke one with him

And by the way, he saw the rebuild downstairs and he gave it rave reviews rave reviews rave I'll tell you right now. I will fucking Put my downstairs bathroom. I will put this bathroom up Against any fucking bathroom in a five mile radius. All right, that's saying something in LA. There's a lot of fucking Super talented people out here that they have they got bathroom money. All right. I am at dancing monkey level all right so

I took my dancing monkey money and I put it into a fucking but I'll tell you right now. There's not a day There's not a fucking day. It's the greatest fucking thing ever Everybody thinks you put a bathroom in for the broads. They don't fucking get you put a steam shower in It's fucking over. It's unreal It's unreal. The only thing missing from it isn't in that steam. It's just a fucking A fucking gorgeous masseuse walks through it, you know It finishes you off with a handy. Wouldn't that be fucking phenomenal? Can you imagine how much more forgiving the business world would be if every man's day started that way? Oh

Just don't understand. Oh, but the church Churches against it can't have that happen. Can you imagine that? You know, then you spray a little eucalyptus in the air afterwards. It's it's just who's fighting on the subway Nobody And if elected every man gets a steam shower and a handy to start the business day All right fat shaming Billy back on the wagon. Uh, love the podcast and also want to form with you and joey roses

I was supposed to hang out with roses the other night. I was too sick, man. I fucking love that son of a bitch um I'm six one and used to weigh 370 pounds and now i'm down to 219 pounds. You goddamn right you are Good for you Dude, that's fucking insane That is 151 pounds. My math is correct. I didn't my math is correct Wow, man If that that thing that I overheard in a bar that says if you're fucking

Every pound of fat is five miles of capillaries That's like 605 miles. You just took off Of a road that you're fucking hard has to pump every time it goes. Whoa. Whoa Whoa, whoa That's fucking phenomenal I said took me a little more than a year to lose that much And you were a big help with that your podcast makes working out fun After all what could be more fun than old billy boys screaming about nerds or the government

More than that your fat shaming always makes me work a little bit harder And I had never noticed the way I'd get derailed by sugar and salt combo that you frequently talk about For a functionally illiterate angry head case you drop quite a bit of knowledge my friend I'm telling you wait. Look, I do the same thing everybody else does I fucking yo yo up and down, but I keep it within a 20 mile 20 mile a 20 pound Thing like I went back up to a buck 84s down to 168. That's my wheelhouse 168 172 I went all the way back up to like fucking a buck 84

and I'm disgusted with myself and I'm back down to uh What is it like one uh 178 179 so I dropped five pounds and this is what I do I just I just immediately I I I actually will go to the gym because there if I just get on a fucking elliptical All right for 45 minutes and then do the five minute cool down I just start doing that every fucking day and it fucking Sucks for the first three days

The first three days and that first fucking night When you stop eating around five or six and you just had a protein with a salad And then you just crushing waters for the rest of your night Okay, but you got that sugar and salt You're fucking addicted to it because you've been eating it It's go and get some ice cream get a burger order a pizza Go make yourself some eggs. You just have to fight through that so like I'm on it right now. So what I do is I have uh, I have celery

in turkey slices And even then a lot of those that turkey slices will have a lot of salt in it So I kind of limit that But I just uh, I'll put a little peanut butter on a fucking That uh piece of celery Just shove those things down you if I mean fucking eating celery is like eating air And all you got to do is just make it through the first night and the next night is way easier as far as the food thing goes But cardio sucks for three days

For me and then after that then I'm fucking addicted to it Which is how I got sick because I knew I was feeling run down and I still went And did another fucking 50 minutes walked out of the gym. The wind was blowing I don't got a lot of fucking shingles on the roof anymore. The next thing, you know, I got a bola, but anyways That is a big thing is not only acknowledging your sugar salt addiction, but understanding how it affects you because I would think just like everybody it affects everybody differently, but like Knowing like like the other day. I was just so I was I was trying to eat well

As long as I could through trying to beat this cold and then finally I just had enough I just was like fuck this man. I just want a pizza and I ordered a pizza and I remember thinking all right. I'm eating this at night. This is all salt It's going to send my salt through the fucking roof and then tomorrow morning I'm either going to want more salt With the big fucking eggs and sausages and that shit Or I'm going to go the other direction and for some reason like I don't know why I just feel like I want a waffle Yeah, because I ate a whole fucking pizza the night before and it's literally

It's like people who fucking drink booze because they did too much coke And you're trying to even yourself off and what you really need to do is just wake up Knowing that you're going to be craving those things and you plow through it and you just make the oatmeal Instead and you shovel that shit down and within three spoonfuls Your body will start to fucking level out and you'll Remember that oh food is supposed to energize me not drag me down to the fucking mat and if you could remember that For me anyways, that's how I was able to keep I like I've gone down to a buck 68 like probably

four times since I moved out to la and This time I'd stayed within 168 a buck 72 For almost a year year and a half and I used to when I would get down It took me like six months to get down to that level and then the second I got down to that level I would reward myself with the fucking cheeseburger and I would like hey, I've been sober six months Let me go shoot up some heroin to fucking celebrate I'm doing the exact same thing

And then you just fucking you're right back, you know chasing the dragon man, and then I would just I mean Jesus Christ you could put it back on You know six months take it off put it back on in six weeks And I would uh, I would fight it, but it would take me like, you know two and a half months Gotta be right back to a buck eight like the most depressing Fucking number that second number is when I see that eight. I just I just refused to fucking be above a buck 80

Um with my build and everything so I'm at least back down to you know, 179 178 or something I'm gonna start working out again tomorrow going right back on the fucking elliptical and uh I'm gonna try to have the discipline this time to actually get a truly Like try to get my six pack back one last fucking time before I slide into 50 and Just the level of discipline and the understanding of nutrition that I'm gonna have to have I really want to fucking do it And I told you I'm gonna do this bit. I'm so sick of fucking people who book movies And then they get upset that fucking hollywood tells them to work out

It's It's fucking ridiculous. It's like you're gonna be in a fucking movie And then the people are gonna put a millions of dollars into this thing. They're trying to not lose money They're trying to get their money back You know, I'm not giving anybody. I know it's hard to lose weight and for other people It's harder But if you to fucking complain that somebody wants you to look good in a movie or to look your best It once again, it's fucking ridiculous. So

um Those people that you know fucking brand pits in his 50s the guy still has you know abs Like the level of dedication that is and fuck you. He's got his own personal chef I don't give a fight a personal chef and be like make me some waffles, man. I mean I would What's he gonna say? No

Telling you it's a fucking discipline and I and I don't have it I have the discipline to get to within about eight pounds of it And then I just I give in to like the uh, hey, man I'm like, I'm a buck 68. I'm like 17 pounds away from where the fuck I just was You can have a burger I'm gonna have a fucking bud tall with this bird. I do it. I go off the rails. It's the worst So this time I'm gonna try and uh I'm gonna try to see this one through which is why I'm saying this out loud

So because I figure you guys will be checking in in a month or so to see how I'm doing and give me shit if I don't Or heckle me on the road It if fatty freckles, whatever the hell you're gonna say. So anyways, let's get back to this guy Uh Anyways, I still need to lose another 20 pounds or so But I'm less worried about that than I am with gaining it all back. This is where I need Some more help from old freckles there. Oh, you know what? I think I just brought it up here I was hoping you could give me some fat shaming on the podcast

That I could use for inspiration if I start to gain some of the weight back Basically, if you could just give me some version of self talk in the mirror when you start to gain weight That would be amazing Uh As always go fuck yourself. Hey, this is what you do Like, you know how much work it took you, you know what I would do I would write down I would write down the amount of months I would write the amount of days the amount of hours And

Write down to the minutes That you had to work to get down and then just write Just something to motivate yourself You know, are you gonna give it are you gonna give it all back your stupid cunt? You know, don't give it back don't And you know when you want happens you're gonna put that on your wall or on your bathroom mirror And this is what's gonna happen. All right, that's gonna motivate you for about six days And then what's gonna happen is it's just me it's gonna be a part of you brushing your teeth and it's not gonna hold the same meeting

So what you have to do is you have to constantly be updating that All right, and you basically you got to get yourself into the fucking mindset Like you're not You're not giving it back. All right, so this is what I would do Okay There's gonna be holidays. There's gonna be birthdays. There's gonna be, you know, the night out or whatever Okay But this is what you got to do. I if I would weigh myself every morning

So, you know, you don't fucking not weigh yourself You know for months on end because that's all of a sudden how you get 40 pounds 40 pounds behind the fucking eight ball, right? You weigh yourself every day And if you went out and you know, you ate bad or whatever you decided to treat yourself All right, you're gonna be a couple pounds over Okay, then you got a discipline like I got to get back down To where the fuck I was and then you have to have a number

That is it's just unacceptable like with me. It's a buck eighty unacceptable when I see that eight It's fucking over. I don't give a shit if it's Thanksgiving tomorrow. Well, who's getting doing fucking eating Thanksgiving, but like it's it's done um What did you say your weight was here? You were three seven. So now you're down to two nineteen All right um, so I would just say When that second number is three, that's it. That's it. Shut it down

Shut it down and I'm telling you give yourself that small of a fucking window You got that small of a fucking journey back And what happens is as you know, I have friends who have weight issues. What happens is Is when they start putting it back on that self loathing. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate myself and they you know, they just Haven't learned that skill yet To just fucking grab that demon by the throat and fucking choke slam it and just just turn it back around Before you go a hundred miles in the wrong direction And now you got to go a hundred back. That's a 200 mile trip

You could get 10 miles down the fucking road turn it right back to 20 miles. No big deal all right, so You just really have to be like listen Like for me to sit there and act like I'm gonna be two nineteen for the rest of my fucking life And never go up a little bit or maybe go down a little bit is fucking nuts um If me to act like I'm never gonna fucking have a piece of pie or you know, some comfort food Is is ridiculous, but you just have to have like those be

special things that you do And you have to learn how to live at that weight And I would actually now that you're down at two nineteen Whatever you did. I would also be always looking for some new way to work out You know a fucking boxing gym a hike bike riding swimming anything you can do because the same way that note on your on your fucking bathroom mirror just becomes part of your day and you you you You just get bored um

If you get bored with your workout that gets dangerous Because you know, you know, you never get bored eating. You just there's always you know You know, it's funny. You always go. Oh Jesus. What what kind of tootsie rolls at ease. Let me try these You're always doing that. You got to do the same thing with like your fucking your workouts there I'm done fucking preaching. All right This podcast is getting ridiculously long Dude that that actually what you just did is is inspire me to go to the fucking gym tomorrow, man Good for you, dude. That's what that's an I've never had to try to lose weight for over for over a year

Um, that's unbelievable. So dude, you work that fucking hard man. You can't do that. You can't give that back. You just can't You can't and you have to keep reminding yourself in a new way. All right Make yourself proud. Don't fuck yourself over. All right sleazy douche I bill this guy's from scotland or he's a fucking pirate longtime listener Love your shit. Saw you both times in sydney. Please help. All right. Maybe he's a scott from sydney. I don't know Maybe he's like bond scott, right? All right, this is fucking cunt

He grew up with my girlfriend So I love australia. What a way to start a fucking thing There's this fucking cunt He grew up with my girlfriend As the lovable sleazy guy that everyone tolerates. Oh, I gotta hate that dude That's just that's just uncertain. That's just so and so that's how he is they say so recently

He commented on a photo of my girlfriend leaning forward and unintentionally showing some cleavage on facebook And I can't stop thinking about wanting to slap him All he wrote Was jesus But what kind of cocksucker thinks it's okay to comment on someone's ladies in a Someone else's lady in a public forum any idea on how I can satisfy my desire To write this situation without making it too uncomfortable for my girl Thanks and go fuck yourself. Um

All right, well first things first I think your assessment of this person everybody knows this person Uh, secondly, I don't know how you know how your girlfriend Leans forward and unintentionally shows too much cleavage. This wasn't a video somebody else took that was shot live This is a photo. I'm guessing she uploaded it. So she was all right with it How do you accidentally oops is that my ball bag? I now I have to upload it. You know what I mean? um

I don't understand why uh why this person is uh in her life Or in anybody's life Um, there's a bunch of different ways you can go with this. You can go, uh I don't know what what do you do? I mean I I I want you to say something to the guy, but I don't think it's gonna work though I mean if this is a movie you walk up and you slap him in the face All right And then your girlfriend appreciates you and then uh reciprocates, uh physically

But we know that's not how the world works, don't we? so, um And we also know you can't you can't blame your girlfriend So, uh, what do you do? Jesus Christ, this is a fucking quagmire I thought this was gonna be easy. This is goddamn quicksand here. So recently commented on the photo um You know, he's a fucking jerk off. Why waste your fucking time. This is what you do. You know what? This is what you do. You just put that in the old memory bank

right The next time you're out there playing Aussie rule footballs and he's on the other fucking team, right? I say footballs Aussie rule Aussie rules, right? Maybe I was actually me that was a Freudian slip about fucking kicking the right in the balls Uh, you take them out. That's what you do. Oh, you just wait you pick your fucking This might be one of those one where you lay back right You pick your fucking spot

And uh, you know When the time is fucking right, you make your point You look them right in the eye and you you fucking you make your point Who knows if he pushes you you get to slap on me. You don't look like an asshole All right, was that all right I don't know for some reason that guy really fucking annoyed me I might have given you bad advice because I kind of got uh, let me emotions get the best of me there All right, let me read you another couple of fucking ads here and then we can wrap this thing up. Um

Yeah, that's what I would do. I would bank that one I would bank that one um Worst case scenario, I would ask Your girlfriend like why is this jerk off in your social social circle? And just hear around be like, all right. Why why what's wrong? Uh, because I I think he's not a good person. I think he's a dirtbag Like why do you say that? Well, because he's commenting about your boobs

Oh, well that was just And just be like, all right Let me just leave it at that He said you think to her and then whatever Ah, then that sucks Then if you fucking slap him in the bar you establish motive with her from the conversation that you know, she's not gonna forget That's a tough one. You might have to go fucking psycho on this one You might have to just it's never good when you keep it to yourself. Ah fucking keep it to yourself

Just don't fucking do physical harm to him But a nice bitch slap a nicely timed bitch slap That could be a good thing Next time he says something, oh dude, that would be hilarious The next time he's out and everybody's sitting around all coupled up and he's just the fucking jerk off, right? And he makes some sort of rude comment Slap him across the face not hard

Where you'd like actually do physical damage just slap him in the face like you would a kid And then you point right in his face And just be like hey Babe yourself like whatever a parent would say to like an eight-year-old And just leave it at that And even if everybody thinks you're a psycho at the end of the day, you still did it And you know what even if he is a cunt he's gonna watch his fucking mouth around you That's more fucking belittling than getting punched in the face if someone just fucking just you know

What if you just grabbed him? You know your mother used to grab you on either side of your cheeks and she'd fucking You know she'd grow your I can't I don't want to explain it She'd just pinch in both of your cheeks and then you're fucking fish. Puck it up your fish your lips. Puck it up like fish lips You fucking grab you and she'd wag her finger right in your face. Just give one of those Something real parental and humiliating Oh, Cleo Get up on the bed

What's up, buddy? Huh It's fucking dog. I really hung out with you for the last four days and I realized That you sleep 12 hours a night in four hours during the day You get up to to go to the bathroom or eat or to come up on the bed and be pet. That's it You know what you got no goals It's fucking perfect, man. All right, uh, so yes, we have no bananas. That's the name of the tour the The billy bible belt tour

We had the billy red state tour keeps staying with the billy name billy bible belt I thought about billy bombs bible belt something something south, but no billy bible belts Old freckled fury is coming through the south I thought about bermans march You know, no, I can't do that because that's gonna I can't rub it into their faces that not only did we win the civil war But we committed war crimes You know, was that a war crime? Well, we won right? That's it um

I did uh night at too many stars. So look for that. I did a little bit of stand-up on that And uh, Martha Stewart just stared at me the entire time Which was uh, it was unsettling You know, when you see somebody famous in the crowd, you want them to at least acknowledge that you're there and maybe laugh Because you think that they know something when they have a fucking empire She wasn't feeling it. Um, all right John steward hosts who's the greatest fucking guy ever in this business So in tribute of him and all his great

Work that he did on the daily show This is your moment of zen. This is my dog getting a back rub Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh You