Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-21

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

Bill rambles about shots, sports, and cooking.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Hey, what's up? You know, if you're a normal listener, what is normal? I don't need somebody. Shut the fuck up. Sorry, I got those fucking people's voices in my head now. What is, who are you to, if you're a normal listener, a regular listener of this podcast on Monday or on Sunday, I told you that I done told you that I was recording the podcast because because because because I was getting my second vaccine shot. Yeah, I was getting my second vaccine shot of one suffice. And that was the one that was a man, you take that thing of the first one,

right? So I did the usual thing. I'm like, you know, a fucking people that fucking pussies, they're probably exaggerating. You know, you know, people, my God, I'm starving. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I had the worst day, right? You know, there was an element of that, right? So anyway, so I do the podcast because you know, I didn't want to be all fucking Billy clam cakes over here, all fucking sweaty and shit, trying to do a fucking podcast, because I respect my audience. All right, I respect you cunts. Okay. So anyway, Sunday, tree 30, I go over to a CVS. And I fucking go in there. The lady checks me in school is shit. She tells me to go stand in aisle 11 or some shit. So I stand there. And as always, as always, when you're standing in line,

what comes that fucking person that acts like they don't see the line, they're standing to the side. It was a check, right? And she was standing just to my side a little in front of me didn't look down the aisle just standing there. So I'm just sitting there, you know, really been working on the temper is always so I'm just like, if this bitch thinks she's going to get in front of me, it ain't happening. So what I did was I just out passive aggressive her like she was one step in front of me. I said, okay, I see you're one step in front of me and I want to put you fucking behind me. And she glanced over at me and I looked right at her. All right. And that was the old fucking emotional right there Fred shut the fuck up. And so I went up, checked in was all good. And then I

turned and I looked at the person behind me and made sure that they stepped up. Then the last person, the third person in line was sort of a wishy washy. I don't like confrontation and that fucking bitch cut in front of her. I should have said, man, the lines back here. I'll 11 for this window. Stupid fucking. And it was funny was then we lined up to get the vaccine and I saw when she walked over she saw the line and she was like, yeah, he's a little these fucking doctors are going to save your fucking life you stupid fucker, or help you go back to work, or fucking save your grandparents life for something you fucking idiot, right? Then there was like three of us there. You sit down, hey, how's it going? Which arm do you want it in? And it's over. So they give me the second shot.

And I'm like, All right. Somebody told me, you know, to get some Tylenol take a couple of Tylenol a few hours later, whatever you should be good. So I got that. I got some toothpaste for the family. What else did I get? I don't know what else I got. And then I got in the car. And I was like, All right, here we go. What's going to happen? How sick am I going to get? Right? And, you know, seven, that was like 330 by 738 o'clock that night. I still felt fine. Or I bought some Gatorade. So I was drinking Gatorade. I took the two Tylenols. I was drinking water. You know, my piss was clear, right? I was hydrated. And I fucking, you know, I went to bed.

I went to bed and still felt fine. And then I woke up at four in the morning. I think out of nervousness to be like, am I sick yet? And I still felt fine, right? And I heard it was if you have 12 to 17 hours, right? So at that point, it was four in the morning. I was like, All right, okay, so I'm a half hour into the zone where I'm supposed to be getting sick. If I'm going to get sick, it's going to be right around the time. I got to get the kids to school and all of that shit. And that time rolled around and I was fine. And I was like, Oh, shit. I didn't get sick. I knew I was tougher than these fucking people. Right. Then I talked to one of my buddies and he goes, Oh yeah, he goes, I got, I got the Pfizer.

He goes, I got mine at three 30 in the afternoon too. He goes right around noon the next day. I got sick and I was like, what the fuck? That's past 17 hours. So I looked it up online and it said you can have side effects anywhere from 24 to 48 hours later. And I was like, Oh, what the fuck? So wouldn't you know, right around 11, I started feeling a little weird, right? Didn't feel sick, but I felt a little weird. I was like, the fuck's going on here. Heads that, you know, that feeling right before you're going to get sick of, I don't know, right? So I took another couple of time on to two a day before it took to the next day. And I felt weird for about 90 minutes to two hours. And then it just went away.

And then I could kind of feel like, all right, whatever the fuck was going to happen. I'm already on the other side of it. I kind of just knew, but I didn't want to talk too much shit. And that's all that happened. That's all that happened. I didn't get sick at all. So I'm also, you know, I never had COVID and I'm also sober as a fucking church mouse these days. Like I'm not doing anything other than my stupid milkshakes or malts on the fucking weekend. I have one of those. And I'm eating pretty good and I'm getting plenty of sleep. So there you go. So there's some good news for you because all these fucking pieces of shit on the news, all they do is try to scare the shit out of you. But the dumb Johnson and Johnson thing, 7 million people and then 6 people

have a fucking problem. And then I love all these anti-vaxxers, anti-mass people flip out about six fucking people when, you know, hundreds of thousand people are dying of COVID and they're like, well, more people die of the flow. So hundreds of thousands of people dying of COVID doesn't bother you, but six out of 7 million does because you don't want to take a fucking vaccine. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's like, I think that doctors need to talk more shit. They should have came out with from the people that cured polio comes the vaccine, from the people who stopped every fucking plague we've ever fucking had. That's why we don't have plagues anymore because of doctors.

Fuck those guys listening to those guys. All right, you know, do whatever you want to do. I know I did. So anyways, old Billy Freckles is on his deal too. So I am not fully vaccinated until April 25th because it's 14 days after you get your second shot because there's a lot of people just getting one, you know, it's the usual shit people. I'm telling you, you want to be successful in life, complete it, cross the T's, dot the I's, do what the fuck needs to be done. Most people, they start it. They still come on. How many fucking old cars you see sitting in people's, yeah, I'm going to fix that up one day. They're never going to do it. They're never going to do it. I'm going to clean this up. I'm going to fucking do this.

I'm going to get one of these people run their yaps. Some people actually start the process, but very few complete. Those who complete have the highest chance of being successful at whatever the fuck they want to do. That is the end of my little life lesson. All right, let's talk the Bruins. The Boston, your Boston Bruins made a little trade there and we got Taylor Hall. From the Buffalo Sabres. Interestingly enough, I believe his first game back with the Bruins, I mean, I should say it was against the Boston Bruins. I mean, the Buffalo Sabres, who we beat last night and over time, you know, I thought the Bruins looked pretty good. Still like to see a score more, did pretty good in the fights. And kind of love to

brush man in a shootout to brush the fucking guy always scores, lifts that leg does a little wiggle and then it's, you know, a fucking top shelf and the goalie is like, what the fuck just happened? Charlie Coyle had the other overtime shootout goal and it was a fun game. I was kind of in a writing meeting, some meeting, and I just had the game on in the background. So I didn't catch too much of the, you know, I didn't catch too much of the commentary or anything, but it was kind of funny. Like I watched that, that hit that caused that fight where Miller, you know, fucking clocked that dude on the Sabres was a tough kid. He popped right back up. He also did a good job of not taking the full shot. I felt but it was funny was, you know, the hit

was a little high and it did hit him in the head. It causes his head to slam off the fucking glass. And of course our Homer announcers who I love are just like, you know, and the refs didn't have a problem with it. What that means is if it happened to a Bruin, they would have been flipping out. And I'm sure the Buffalo people like going, hi, hit. And so and so takes exception, you know, we didn't, you know, he showed up, you know, that that means a lot. That means a lot. Miller's, you know, that's what he does. He's an enforcer and our guy is actually a goal scorer, but he still had the courage to drop the gloves. You know that they went that way on it. So anyway, what else? Red Sox have won like four in a row. We were playing the Orioles who I guess

are just going to suck this year. That actually made me feel bad. I was watching the game and one of the Red Sox announcers was just like, yeah, they're going to have a long year. This is going to be a long year for those guys. Can you fucking imagine that? I mean, I know you're making a ton of money and shit as a major league ball player, but I just can't imagine, you know, even if you're not going to make the playoffs, you still have to play 162 games. Oh, and then you got to talk about it to sports reporters afterwards, like Jesus Christ. Anyway, but I watched a little replay of that game. We won, I think like 14 to nine, some crazy like football score against the Orioles. And we beat the twins, I think last

night. So we should be playing them tonight and was really enjoying it. Seeing some fans come back and stuff has been a nice thing. So yeah, I like baseball. I like them all. I like them all. And MotoGP this fucking weekend, the King is coming back. Mark Marquez, who broke his humorous beginning of last season, came back the next race and then shut it down. And he's had a couple of setbacks with the, I think they just want to make sure he was like 100% like Sidney Crosby level before he comes back. So I'm looking forward to that race this Sunday. NBA fans who miss competition, you know, watching these night of too many stars teams that they seem to be putting together for the inevitable NBA final of the Lakers against the fucking Brooklyn Nets. Dark Horse,

Utah Jazz possibly. I don't know in the East or whatever. I have no idea. But yeah, anyway, if you'd like to see competition, if you missed that in your sports, I would watch I would watch some of the MotoGP this weekend. Just saying, just saying, saying, I actually had some time this week too. I sat down and played some drums and I, for my level, for my skill set, I'm just talking about me. I fucking crushed it. My foot was as fast as it's ever been. And I'll tell you a great thing to keep your foot fast. If you want to just sort of keep those that little, that triplet thing that Bonham does, I play to Black Dog, which is 84 BPMs, and has that little triplet lick in there, a bunch of those thrown in. Then I play to Traveling

Riverside Blues, which is 90 BPMs. And then I play to Good Times, Bad Times. And my warm-up is Poor Tom, underrated Zeppelin album, as far as drums and all that shit and fun stuff to play is the Coda album. There's a lot of fun, just Poor Tom, Darlene, Traveling Riverside Blues, obviously. They tacked that one on later. That wasn't on the original release, but there's a number of really just like, you know, I don't even have to throw away Zeppelin track just to hear what he did on those albums. I didn't really listen to that album as much as maybe I should have. So anyways, I fucking crushed it. And then today I came down, sat down after doing all of this stuff in the morning. I was rushing around and promoting my tour. It was on Colin Cowherd. I

love that guy, man. I have such a fucking great time whenever I'm on his show. I did Rich Eisen's podcast, just a bunch of really great guys. And I don't know what, I didn't really stretch or anything like that. I just kind of went out there stretched, did some half ass stretch. And I got behind the kit and I just sucked it. I was like, fuck. I thought the guy yesterday was the guy I was. And then the reality sets in is not, you're somewhere between that guy and the shit that's coming out of you today. So that's always fun, right? Let's talk about setbacks, everybody, huh? Fucking sit there thinking you're making progress and whatnot. Then all of a sudden, you're not, you know, it bumps me up. But like, I tell you, I got that book,

the Benny Grebb book on effective practicing. And I get really good practice, like 20 solid fucking minutes of practice before I just fuck around and play songs. And it's definitely showing the results. So anyway, sorry if I'm a little scatterbrained here today, everybody. I've been I kind of been all over the place, but I've been doing a good job though. As far as like working on myself and psych like this this morning, I would have had an epic fight with my wife and I didn't. And then four fucking things happened in a row and I didn't react to any of them. And I kept my cool and everybody had a nice morning. Like my wife's been busting her ass lately working on this project. And I guess she was really tired and she was sleeping next to me.

And you know, she was fucking, you know, snoring a little bit and just woke me up. And once I wake up, forget it, I'm just up. So I was like, fuck, so I went downstairs and I slept on the couch. And, you know, I wake go upstairs the next morning. She's like, Hey, sorry, did I wake you up? And I was like, Yeah. And I don't know. And then she's just like, Oh, sorry. And then immediately she was looking at her phone. And I'm thinking like, Oh my God, that's all I get is sorry. I missed out on two hours sleep. If you literally get up eight minutes before you usually get up, you're going to be in a grumpy mood all morning, you go right to your phone like that normally would have got me I would have fucking had that dumb fight. You know, because for all I know,

she's texting my daughter's school about some shit I didn't I would normally jump right in. I just I walked out. I was like, what the fuck? And then I was just as I was going down the stairs, I was like, No, I'm not doing this. I was like, All right, well, you know what, I have that radio tour tomorrow morning. I'm calling a bunch of radio shows early starting with some radio station St. Louis. I'm just like, I'm just gonna sleep in my office tonight. There. Okay, that's the solution. Okay, problem solved. I felt good. Then I wasn't upset with that. Then I go downstairs, and I fucking, you know, I'm gonna make you know, my daughter wants some these healthy pancakes that I make. So I say, Okay, I go to the spice rack. Where's the sentiment? Why are all the

spices fucking not alphabetized? What the fuck? And I can't find it. And I didn't lose my cool. Then I was looking for the little measuring cup. It wasn't where it's supposed to be. I look at the dishwasher. It's not there. It's not in the sink. It's not in the dry rack. I look back in the drawer and there it is. Didn't lose my cool. Then the fucking scooper where the fuck is everything that I needed was not where the fuck it normally is. For whatever fucking reason. And all of those little things. The old me would have been like, How fucking hard is it to put the fucking spice back alphabetically? So the next person doesn't have the fucking sergeant. I would have done that. I would have done that. And I didn't. I just went like, Well, it's got to be here somewhere. And

you know, I have plenty of time to make these fucking pancakes. I re alphabetized everything knowing full well that I'm the only one that gives a fuck about it being alphabetized. I just plowed through all of that. Everybody had a great time. And guess what? It's like fucking eight hours later and who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? And I figured out why I'm an angry guy in therapy. I get it now. I get me. And um, yeah. Feels pretty fucking good, man. Tony, you only need to do mushrooms once. I can really figure yourself out if you do the fucking work. If you do the work. So yeah, all of that shit's good, man. It's all fucking good. So but having said that, I'm saying some of the most ignorant shit I've ever said in my life on stage.

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dot com slash burr b u r r um why did i think you didn't know how to spell sleep were you trying to insult us there billy boy there billy freckles um oh shit you know i really wanted to talk about this fucking thing with my wife um we watched those true crime things when we go to bed i don't know she's into the shit and i just i've given it i watched the real house wise of atlanta now um i can handle it now because that nini leaks isn't on it because she used to just dominate everybody she talked over all of them and nobody seemed to have enough game to be able to hang with her so it got boring it was just like well she's gonna win every argument the fuck am i watching this shit for this is just like it's like groundhog day so um i like watching

that one in the real house wise in new jersey yeah my fucking father that shit is just funny to me um anyway but we watched this one on um there was this guy he married this woman and uh they were together for like 20 25 years never had kids and uh he meets some other chick she's younger he falls in love with her uh his wife finds out and she ends up killing the mistress and then killed herself and uh fucking crazy story and uh the husband tells the story and i have to tell you this me and my wife watched this and we were just like i do not believe a fucking word that is coming out of this guy's mouth not a fucking word the guy was like i don't know it was like he had he was he was basically doing the show because he was promoting his book

and he was in the reenactments you know with the part where he's like he's now you know now that they're both dead and gone he's packed up all of his stuff and they're showing him driving off in a convertible like fucking bill bixby at the end of the hulk and um i don't know i was just sitting there going like this guy i don't know i don't know this is something it's just and i noticed when i watched it like the other chick his mistress also was married the husband of her wasn't on it none of this guy's family members the husband none of his family members were there like this is how i you know whenever you have like those fucking things like when they'll be like they'll do like a documentary the true hollywood blah blah blah of whatever famous person um the second you

don't see a bunch of famous people in there talking about it you're just like all right this is just a bunch of trash and they'll be like uh you know dick cavitt's mailman you know dicks are really interesting guy it's like who the fuck are you so yeah there was a lot of people that i felt like should have been in that documentary and were not it was just sort of him and i kept calling them the nudger because he had this way of like he he would be sincere and then he would just float out a little bit of information so it'd be like so you do the math oh a one plus one equals two he just he wouldn't tell you what to think but he'd nudge you he was just like you know i was like introverted and blah blah blah and then i met her and she was like outgoing and really like rebellious and said

whatever she wanted to say and she was complete opposite of me and you know always had to get the last word in her argument and beautiful hair but but buried that in the middle always had to get the last word in the argument and then you're like oh and that's why she killed the day and then shot herself so he would have to live with the get wall there there we go there but i you and you and you think that you're the one putting it together and then after a while you're like wait a minute wait a fucking minute so i don't know what the fuck happened in that one i actually had a buddy of mine who's a lawyer who does criminal shit i'm like you know trials and stuff and can you watch this thing and tell me what you think and he goes i mean i think that's kind of what

happened he kind of went along with it and i was like well he's on a book tour he's doing dr roz and he goes well you know he said the proceeds of the book is going to charity i did he say a hundred percent let me just say the proceeds fine print some of the proceeds i don't know um yeah me and nia we're gonna we're gonna start talking about those true crime ones on the ones we're gonna do a new segment called it doesn't add up in the same way my unathletic ass breaks down fucking hockey and football games now with no criminal justice degree or any anything no never was a you know form a cop or anything i'm going to tell you how the police officers got it wrong which i think is a nice

way to end the podcast considering i started out it off making fun of people who aren't doctors questioning doctors and i am now going to as a non-cop gonna tell you how the cops got it wrong i'm an idiot hey you know what the feeling is coming back in my finger that i cut off with that fucking mandolin i have not had a vegetable since you know whatever i sliced up that day that i didn't fucking bleed on oh jesus bill i was worried that i was gonna have a numb finger but it seems to be coming back i want to thank the people that sewed it up they did a great job um oh yeah it's all coming back nice nice nice baby do do do do do do do do do do do all right that's the uh thursday afternoon podcast i hope you guys are uh hope you're doing all right

and i hope all you youngsters out there who are fucking angry lunatics and you relate to me i hope one day you figure out why you were angry and uh i'm not gonna divulge you know it's too personal but uh it's it's a hell of a thing when you figure it out because once you figure it out then you kind of realize like wow for my whole life i was kind of who i wasn't supposed to be is there is there enough time left in my life to go back to who i was supposed to be which is fucking that's pretty uh it's pretty heavy man um all right that's it go fuck yourselves have a great weekend you cunts uh enjoy the music and we'll have a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast right after the music it's a

i guess the greatest hits one from uh thursday a year ago or i don't know how we work it out but that's what we got andrew for all right speaking of which i'm gonna fucking text him so i can get those blue glasses man all right that's it i'll see you the sweet pretty things i'm betting off course the city fathers they're trying to endorse the reincarnation of paul rivier's horse but the town has no need to be nervous the ghost of bell star she hands down her wits to desibel and none she violently knits a bald wig for jack the ripper who sits at the head of the chamber of commerce mama's in a factory she ain't got no shoes daddy's in the alley he's looking for food i'm in the kitchen where the

tombstone blues hey what's going on is bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday um april 15th 2013 how are you how are you doing this week do you feel like this week is gonna be a good one um today's episode is brought to you by ting please visit bill dot ting dot com for a 25 dollar service credit or device discount and i know what you're saying what is ting well i'm going to tell you later on in the podcast i'm building up advertising suspense today's episode is brought to you by cheerios what are those things again i can't remember sitting on the edge of my seat the seat in my cubicle how are you guys can you hear that can

you hear that fucking engine running right now do you know where your your your lovely host is i'm on a fucking bus man i'm going through the south you know they call it the dirty south and i gotta tell you i haven't seen any filth down here other than a couple of who is no seriously it's been an absolutely beautiful trip and this time old billy redface decided instead of getting in a little last fucking car and driving a fucking thousand miles all over the south as i tore it around i uh actually got a little bus here and i've been on the road with paul dude i called it versey and uh jason lawhead and uh we've been doing shows and uh drinking like the fucking rat pack i think i've ever drank so much in my fucking life if you guys ever get a chance to travel by bus

okay and i know you've all done it and i'm not talking about that peter pan grayhound shit right where you and 70 other people that you don't even fucking know get on a goddamn bus right somebody takes a shit two feet away from you not talking about that not talking about sleeping upright the weighty ahead waking you up every time they go over a fucking bump i'm not talking about that either i'm talking about getting your own bus get your own fucking bus watching anchor man drinking booze as somebody else drives it's the greatest fuck this is right now i'm gonna tell you this and i'm going right through until wednesday this has been the greatest this is how big i'm going this has been the greatest fucking road trip of my life um this is perfect because you

know what gets you when you're out here people it's not the shows oh no it's the travel that's what fucking beats you up when you're an old fuck like me this is gonna be a very full flight people please don't put your coats in the overhead compartments and then you see the cunts doing it right we've oversold the flight you know you're fucking land they don't have your bags you fucking go out in the cab line it's fucking 90 000 people long starts raining you put your shoulders up to quote my own fucking special right you're standing out there with your little stupid bag middle of fucking nowhere right you finally get the cab you can't understand the guy he can't understand you you don't know if he's going the long way they tell it's a uh it's a flat fee 200

bucks to the hotel now really i don't think that's true it's on the sticker read the sticker my friend right deal with that shit then you get to the hotel the fucking cab leaves you bring your bag up hello sir welcome to fucking douche con hotel do you have an id yeah and you give me the id and then would it be under another name you know and they can't find your fucking room then you finally get a fucking room you go to the hotel the fuck up to the god we got it pill now fuck you i'm taking you through all of it you get up there and the fucking key doesn't work you finally go back down you get a key that works you go back up it works you go in there you know smells like jack clubman you like what the fuck's going on you call downstairs do you have another room this one

smells like uh archie bunker took a shit in here um and i'm sorry sir we don't have another room and there's no reason to use that language oh yes there is smells like somebody who smokes cigars took a shit in here and fought in korea all at the same time all right we'll see when you get on a bus all of that is over you know you pull in you go to a walmart you fucking stock up the fridge with food and booze then you just get on the fucking thing and somebody else drives you you sit there with your friends watching anchorman getting you don't drink you don't drink before the show but after let me tell you so no it seems to be great we just pull right up to the goddamn venue you know there's a shower on the bus right you're good to go the other guys get hotel rooms i haven't

been off this bus in fucking eight days and you know what i love it i'm living in a bubble i don't know you know what the fuck's going on in the world and furthermore i don't even give a shit it's that's how much of a great mood i'm in we pull right up to the venue i get off the bus i walk into the venue i do the show fucking in a great mood everybody has a good time i then fucking walk out in front whore myself out show a little leg sell some dvds smile and wave kiss a couple of babies then i fucking walk right back onto the bus and we leave town it's the fucking and then we start drinking it's the greatest fucking thing ever so i gotta be i gotta be honest i don't think this podcast is gonna be the podcast i don't think it's gonna be so too funny because nothing bad

happened to me nothing bad happened to me this week you know other than the fact that this fucking bus trip is gonna end i got i got three more dates i'm gonna be in Tampa tonight for two shows then i do florida state on tuesday and then wednesday i'm in miami and then it's over and then you know what then i have to go back to the real world world where i have a dog with fucked up back feet and i have a woman you know you know i've been thinking this whole goddamn week and nia's gonna kill me but you know something i wish i fucking you know could have done this like 10 years ago 15 years ago when i was single because i gotta tell you something there's there is no easier way to bring a bunch of whores out of a club if you tell them you got your own bus

oh god knows they love shiny shit you have you have your own thing what can i see it unfortunately you can't sweetheart um um speaking of whores uh she's not a whore but i saw this story right where the fuck is it oh no really is it this this gonna happen is this gonna ruin my fucking mood why am i so dumb anyways there was this giant street party at rutgers right and some pretty girl did i just did i say pretty girl some pretty girl when the cop showed up she uh she got pepper sprayed because she wouldn't put down her frisbee that's what she said not not saying the old joke but seriously that was her comment you know so then you watch the video and she's wearing this dumb

neon hat and you see her the first time the cops come down the street she's giving them the finger and then doing the uh suck my dick motion right there if i'm on the jury uh two words rightfully maced you can't do that you well why would you give the finger and in the jerk-off move you're standing next to a burning couch or had they not lit the was the couch already on fire it was insane it was like seven fucking houses and all the parties were going on at once and then they just sort of all met out in the street look like a phenomenal party but you know when the cops show up it's over you know you don't you don't start fucking game i got that that's one of those that's a classic fucking chick move

i don't want to speak for all guys here but i gotta tell you right now one of the last things i would ever do is when a police cruiser is pulling up would be to be giving it the finger not with one hand both hands and then going like you know acting like i'm jacking my dick onto their fucking car that is the last thing probably the last move well let's run through the moves that you could possibly fucking make that you could possibly fucking make when the cops show up one the classic turn the other way and begin walking away in a brisk manner that doesn't draw too much attention to you so it doesn't look like you're guilty okay you just sort of casually turn around slip behind a couple people then crouch down

and fucking run as though you try not to get hit by a sniper disappear into the hedges there's always hedges when you're outside partying slip into the hedges crawl on your fucking elbows and knees get to the backyard go over the fence and just get the fuck out of there and ignore the people that stare at you as you come over the fence with your dirty knees and elbows that's option number one option number two is do the classic just put your hands up like okay all right we get it you're here it's over you know option number three uh stand there very still and then slowly do the side step stop slowly do another side step stop yeah slowly get the fuck out of there uh you know i'm saying where is uh fucking give the double finger and jack

your dick onto the cruiser i guess you could do that too then you'll run right you don't fucking stand there with your frisbee it's i don't know i've done this bit a zillion times it's just a classic just they don't know any better this girl is beautiful this girl has a vagina you know and a lot of you don't realize not all of them not all women have vaginas you know it's that lucky 99.9% of them that have them and she had them she had them she had one and that was it she's standing there what a fucking moron and of course they posted on youtube or whatever on facebook and then it becomes some sort of a fucking story this whole fucking young generation of kids it's so weird do you realize they're like spying on themselves i wonder if any of them believe in

conspiracy theory they might they they probably don't they got to be like you know what nobody we're spying on each other these fucking assholes every time they do something they film it they're sitting there filming they they light a couch on fire which i don't know what is that is that a misdemeanor i don't know what it is i know it's not i don't it's i know it's not legal i know it's not legal to light a couch on fire and to be chanting burn that shit burn that shit in the fucking in the street see that's some shit when i was younger we would have done it but we didn't film it not because we're smarter because it we you know what you had to do to film shit when i was a kid when i was of college age you know we had a new somebody who fucking knew had real had

to do that real the real shit you know what a splice and cut and put the fucking edit tape on you know like you're making a Beatles album wasn't worth it dude when i was in college holy shit that just freaked me out you know what happened i just stood up and accidentally in my bare feet here stepped on the goddamn power pack thing of the cord and it was just warm enough to feel like it was something that was alive like a rodent i thought i just stepped on a fucking mouse you ever have something like that happening that caveman dna kicks in that fucking fight or flight is that a saber tooth tiger kind of thing right um anyways this is the monday morning podcast all right now ladies i know you're beautiful i know you got the vijay jays his fucking oprah says all right but

do yourself a favor when the cops show up don't give him the finger and start jacking your non-existent dick or maybe you do but if you do get the fuck out of there and if you stand around and they're coming up to you put your frisbee over your face you dumb fucks oh my god i can't believe i got maced all i was doing was drinking participating in the burning of a couch in the street the double finger was given to the police officers and i jerked a non-existent dick the dick wasn't even there i mean i don't know i can see if i actually had a dick you know and i pulled it out your honor i don't have a penis how could he make me there's something hilarious about a beautiful girl getting maced you know at least there is to me

it's just always something funny about that shit to me like i'm saying this like i've seen beautiful women get maced all the time i haven't but i fantasized about it it's just funny every once in a while when they get treated like us welcome to the real world sweetheart yep he did that and he's gonna get away with it and there's nothing you can do about it all right so why don't you go upstairs go rinse out your eyes with some tomato soup or whatever the fuck you're supposed to do actually tomato soup that's what you're supposed to do when you when you get sprayed by a skunk i know that because i've watched a couple of movies um anyways the fuck am i doing here let's get some advertising out of the way so we can get back to the podcast here

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it's your last chance to try this great service free for six months six months for free get your business going and after that it's ten dollars a month there's nothing i want more for you people then to go after your dreams make them happen get on a bus and get some whores um that last part is optional but don't get the one in the green hat if you do for the love of god keep her inside for when the cops show up um legal zoom dot com everybody all right look you got a plan for your future all right it's this is all how to get this is all the stuff that i'm selling you right now this is how to get out of your damn cubicle all right e voice you got the whole voicemail stuff now here you got legal zoom dot com all right you got a plan for your future you do financial

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but they can connect you to an attorney and provide self-help services at your specific direction even more savings enter burr in the referral box check out if you're a parent or an entrepreneur don't wait any longer call or visit legal zoom dot com and protect what's yours there you go um something in there reminded me of something oh i know i know um we did the tabernacle theater friday night um here in atlanta and i gotta tell you the tabernacle i guess it's called yeah it's called the tabernacle here in atlanta um right up there with uh carnegie hall one of the most beautiful theaters i ever performed in the crowd the crowds were amazing and um jesus christ i'm sitting there thinking how beautiful the theater is and i

literally forgot what the fuck i was talking about i just had it what is that by the way people what is that that thing where you you're fucking think about something to talk about then you forget it then you remember it and then you start talking and then you forget it oh my my the beginning of all simers here is this what it is i'm gonna stop knowing people's fucking anything that'll be the worst well thanks bill thanks for letting us know that all simers stinks because uh without you we wouldn't have known that all right go fuck yourselves okay it's not let's not ruin my good time the fuck that i want to talk about what the fuck happened in atlanta oh i know i know so we've been in atlanta for the last couple of days all right so a couple people go hey you know we're

going to cheat is strip club you want to go and i have not been to a titty bar and like fucking ah shit why did i say the name of it because now i'm going to trash the place i haven't been to its titty bar and like i would say maybe seven years i tried to just be stupid you go in there you get all fucking excited and then nothing happens and then you leave and you don't have any money it's the dumbest fucking thing you could ever do there's always a bunch of fat white dudes in there on some business trip smoking cigars trying to act like they're fucking running shit and they're not i don't like them you know we'll figure what the fuck i'll go everybody's gonna go out let's fucking go we went there uh bored shitless bored shitless you know what the most exciting thing

was about when i went to that fucking strip club was one of the people i was hanging out with i found out was actually a banker all right and i know you guys think i'm out of my mind you're always going oh you fucking conspiracy theory whack job i hit this guy with every fucking thing that i think of i know about banks and he just kept nodding going you're right you're right absolutely you're right i i told him that whole thing about how you know i had the water damage on my house and the check for my insurance company came made out to me nia and my fucking mortgage company you know and i'm like those motherfuckers don't think i'm gonna pay off the house and they go no they don't i go that's right they think that it's going to take me 30 fucking years and by

the time that i'll be in my 70s and by then one of my kidneys will fail at which point my health insurance won't kick in they'll have they'll so i'll have to sell the house they'll get another 30 year old in there and they'll bend him over the fucking rail for 60 and he was going you're absolutely right absolutely fucking right and i was like so how do you fucking do it he goes hey he goes i don't fuck over individuals he goes i fuck over businesses see that's how it works you know i wasn't making the i didn't i didn't make the call i was just following orders it's the same shit those nazi fucking people said when they were up in the guard towers well they were fighting for fucking Hitler it's the exact same fucking thing they justified in their

head that i'm not you know even though i'm part of this evil fucking thing i'm just doing this one little thing here you know and i just kept hammering i'm going dude you know but you're you're helping to push the rock up the hill and he goes and he just started laughing oh Jesus Christ you know i'm trying to fucking enjoy myself and then i actually felt bad on some level i went all the way up to the federal reserve and the guy the banker looked at me he said the only thing federal he said the federal reserve is his federal is federal express he goes they're evil and i was just like well how the fuck are you in that business you know and this one but that point we're a little bit drunk and he's just like what the

fuck am i supposed to do he said the bankers just sit there and they're like my job is to make fucking money that is my job he proceeded to tell me that the bank he works for somehow in three months made six billion dollars he's like how is that fucking possible legally i don't think it is or maybe it is you know when everybody goes to work all week and then just gives you their money that's the greatest that's one of the greatest fucking scams ever do you realize we all work all fucking week they give you a piece of paper with numbers on it they never give you the money they just give you a piece of paper that has numbers on it then you take that piece of paper then you give it to some of the most crooked fucks ever to keep it safe

it's like it's like every american everybody on the planet you get mugged every week you don't even realize you're not even getting mugged because you turn in it over you fucking hand it to those assholes the money you earned the money i earned then they take that money they loan it back to us it's fucking interest and then they then they like invent more money that isn't even there off of the money that we put in there they basically they legally counterfeit money like if they if they get a deposit at ten grand they can legally loan out ten grand ten thousand dollars to four like four five different people ten thousand for you ten thousand for you ten for you ten for you when there's only ten thousand they just they just invented another thirty grand

that that isn't even there and that's what the fuck happens because then when those fuckers don't pay that off the ten grand all of a sudden then with it now like twenty grand off of ten grand isn't fucking paid off i think you guys are smart enough to do the math i i swear to god i really wish i recorded the conversation when he just kept going you're right you're right and all the fucking people anthony kumia from the wonderful opium anthony program who laughs and shakes his head at me you know i was really wishing he was there and every cunt that ever called me a fucking conspiracy theorist like i fucking believe that the moon is made out of cheese like that's what i'm telling you right like i like i'm saying the sun is actually a

caver in the sky by the fucking illuminati i never said any shit like that all right i said a couple of crazy ones my fucking banker ones evidently this guy who was drunk in a titty bar told me that i was right and none of you guys were there and i don't have the audio to prove it but i'll go fuck you you know what i sound right this is like the verbal version of that chick standing in the street i should have on the lime green hat just fucking miming jerking my own dick off you know am i really any better than that frisbee horde cunt ah she's not a cunt she's not a whore either i don't you know what you know something i'm gonna reserve judgment because i have no fucking idea you know when you really think about it you really you really can't tell who somebody is

just from a goddamn video all right shut the fuck up bill so anyways i'm on this bus all week and uh me and versi in fucking lawhead one night where the hell were we coming from well i'll give you the whole tour we were first of all we went to uh we went to the uh the ncaa championship game monday night which was one of the sickest basketball games i've ever seen in my life um we were in a football stadium watching a basketball game um the game eventually sold out because a lot of people in atlanta a lot of sports fans got upset with me for uh describing 100 percent accurately their sports fandom is that the proper word um um seeing that dude luke come off the bench and hit fucking uh three four three pointers in a row

and after three that alley hoop jam was the sickest thing that dude spike whatever i'm not the biggest college hoop fan spike whatever fucking from michigan you know what lawhead was joking about i said in the he was joking like saying in the first half it was white dudes dominating the game without side shots of course god knows when our game has never been above the rim white dudes were dominating that game and then in the second half black dudes just took it over and lawhead was cracking us up saying basically they were doing a reenactment of basketball history i like the first half was like when fucking uh bob koozie you know back when you couldn't put your hand on the side of the ball you had to fucking let you had to have it right on top of

the ball you ever watch that she watched old basketball highlights and people always go like oh my god these guys suck they didn't suck if you put if you put your hand on the side of the ball to go to the side that was considered a carry they've made all these fucking rules where which by the way have all been great rules you know to allow these athletes to reach to reach the pinnacle of that there's their uh their sports artistry i almost didn't get that out um but it was just it was an unbelievable game and there was this fucking louisville fan sitting behind us and dude i gotta tell you we were on the lower level and we still needed binoculars i'm not even gonna lie to you i mean it was like if we were at if we were at like an atlanta falcons game we would have been

eighth row in the end zone all right because we literally could see the wall where they would actually have like the the post 9 11 people glaring at you with their yellow coats on you know but instead because it was basketball there was there was like a fenced area where you couldn't go past and then there was a whole nother section of about 20 rows of these padded seats right and then in front of that was a whole nother 20 section of just students and it was the michigan kids who by the way michigan used to be the blue in maize now it's just the maze i gotta tell you it's some of these fucking uniforms and some of this shit it's just it's the loudest shit i've seen since the 79 pirates and considering that they're in the mist

of making anchor man part two i think it's very i was actually thinking that you know they make you know they make fun of the clothes from back then and like the late 70s and everything when they when they do the anchor man of this this time right now you know with sports and that's type of thing if there's ever somebody as big as a genius as will ferrell in like 20 years is making fun of this era it's gonna be shit like that like those uniforms when michigan played syracuse i mean that was just fucking ridiculous those yellow sneakers and the orange sneakers that's that's just something i i'm gonna say within maybe four years well actually probably four years it'll start to die off so i'll say within 10 years you're gonna look back at those things

and be like jesus christ the fuck were we thinking um i saw a couple of michigan fans with the old school like you know the blue word says michigan and yellow it's funny as hell they would just it looked like a fucking it looked like an hd mustard and they were all chanting go blue it's like you guys don't have any fucking blue on anymore but i have to tell you we would so we were sitting on the michigan side and you know i flunked everything in fucking high school and they used to sit there and try and scare the shit out of me you know going you need two years of a language you got to make sure your gpa is above a three point six you're not gonna get it above a bun you sat there and you're sitting there fucking nodding off just not giving a shit i gotta tell you what's that

fucking basketball game and the entire student section turned around faced us and like almost was doing like this half tomahawk chalk thing they went go and then everybody behind us went blue go blue the whole fucking section going nuts and i said to fucking verzi i said you know my freshman in high school year in high school instead of scaring the shit out of me academically they just should have showed me a video of this going you know what if you actually study in high school you can participate in something like this and i would have been like well you know what i'm gonna go home and hit the books i would have done that instead of telling me all the academic shit that i need they should have showed me how fun college could have been if i actually studied

and went to a real fucking school you know i didn't i completely i fucked up my freshman year of high school i went in there and i was thinking i was gonna be a lawyer and i was gonna go to Notre Dame University those were my goals by the time sophomore year came around i was looking at wentworth college and i was considering getting into construction what a fucking idiot now i go around all these big schools you know i i fucking uh go to these games go like an lsu game or a georgia bulldog game Ohio state miss you just go to these fucking things and you just see these i hope the kids appreciate it maybe that's what you know i think maybe you have to be like me to really fucking appreciate how awesome it is to go to a school that has such an insane fucking

sports program you know this is what i'm jealous about those colleges kids is that for the rest of their lives they can kind of stay connected to their college by following the teams and if they ever want to have like a mini reunion with their tailgate friends you just pick a game once a year and you go to it and have a great fucking time you know oh jesus did i fuck up it's making me sad um but you know what makes me happy everybody never having to go to the post office again oh that was a nice segue stamps.com everybody you postage meter companies used to have to have the monopoly on printing postage they could charge you when i'm in a leg to print postage

from your own office but those days are over now you can use stamps.com instead with stamps.com you can get all the benefits of a postage meter but at the fraction of the cost all you need to do all you need is your computer printer and stamps.com to get official us postage for any letter or any package any class of mail plus you'll never have to set step foot in the post office again everything you would need to do at the post office you can do right from your own desk it's so convenient i don't know why you wouldn't do it if somebody as dumb as me can use stamps.com you know to send out my dvds to all my wonderful shows um look if i can figure it out so can you so don't be intimidated don't be an old funny daddy like me like well i've always gone to the post

office and i still want to go because it's comfortable step outside your comfort zone and improve your quality of life right now use my last name burr burr for this special offer no risk trial plus a hundred and ten dollar bonus offer includes a digital scale and a fifty five dollar free postage don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stamps.com enter burr all right back to the podcast don't save there we go what the hell am i all right let's uh let's get to reading some of your questions for this week um oh i didn't i never finished that story so we get done we go we did Athens the first night down uh what is that it's northeast of Atlanta first day we went to the

basketball game the next day the tour starts right now we have to go to work pay for all the fucking money we spent the night before i don't i don't think at the end of this i don't think i made any money but i had a great fucking time all right um my quarterly taxes are due this is gonna be a rough one somebody's gonna be eating fruit loops um so we do Athens Georgia first right and we're all fucking giddy just freaking out we do the gig have a great time this beautiful theater i really don't have any funny fucking stories because everything just worked out this week um it's a tuesday night the place was packed um what happened on that show nothing we just had a great time i didn't have to get into with one guy one guy just kept screaming yelling he was too

excited so i went off on him and i ended it with i'm ashamed of you which is quite possibly one of the funniest things one grown man could say to another one i am ashamed of you um then we got off we got on the bus because we were uh we were driving up to uh uh oh did we stay on the bus that night no no no no we drove up to to hoover alabama oh all right now i can take you through the week so we go up to hoover alabama to play the the next night we go up there fucking alabama by the way absolutely beautiful fucking state i would retire i'm actually thinking about retiring there for the simple fact nobody fucking retires there you've never heard that in your life people retire where they go out west

everybody goes to fucking arizona right and out east everybody goes to florida the midwest people they they retire in the carolinas all right nobody fucking retires nobody from outside of alabama retires in alabama hence you can get like 90 acres for about 67 dollars go out there get me a spread right i don't know i couldn't get a direct flight anywhere that would suck unless i was going to mississippi but who cares at that point i think that that's what you do is you you fucking you go to really expensive fucking places like new york la chicago and you bust your fucking ass your whole fucking life you make a bunch of god damn money and then in the end you retire to a beautiful state that nobody wants to go to for some stupid fucking reason and then all the all the

assets that you've accrued you sell those things and they're worth three times as much down in fucking alabama you just retire there get yourself a giant fucking dish you get all the sports channels it's not like they don't have food down there you know and then pick a school alabama or auburn crimson tide or war eagle and enjoy yourself just a good old boy all right so then we did hoover alabama and this is the best part right after hoover alabama we had to be in columbia south carolina the next night which i've never been to so it was one of those deals was the second the show was over we got on the bus and we just started driving and uh we got a bottle of makings and we just started pouring drinks we popped in fucking anchorman watched that

laughed our asses off and uh i don't know we just polished off the bottle somewhere about four five hours into the fucking trip by the way we're supposed to be sleeping we're supposed to be sleeping and the bus driver who slept during the day he's supposed to be up driving you know so we got about four hours into this eight hour trip and we pull out the guy pulls over the bus and he goes look uh he's like we're going to get there too early you know for when we check in at the hotels you know so we just got to kind of chill here for a minute sleep on the bus and we're like yeah cool no worries so he goes just he goes to bed i'm going to bay it he goes to bed and we keep fucking drinking somewhere in the middle of that

me and versey get into this giant fucking new york boston argument that i think went on for like 40 fucking minutes it was hilarious absolutely hilarious and then got real for like three minutes and then got hilarious again um so fucking stupid people from those two cities will never get along and then finally i don't know what happened at like five in the morning i was just like guys i got to go to bed right versey and fucking lawhead i like yeah no worries no worries right so i fucking go back in the back go to bed and evidently versey lawhead just kept going the bus driver wakes up at like 8 30 in the morning comes from the back walks up to the

front of the bus opens the door and he sees fucking lawhead and versey still still sitting there drinking and he goes man you got to be fucking kidding me and uh i'm not going to name names or anything like that but this bus driver has seen a lot of shit he's driven a lot of people so to get this guy to be like man you got to be shit me was was a major fucking accomplishment i'll take you through the tour real quick so then the next night we were we drove into uh uh columbia south carolina which is from what i hear just like savannah georgia except nasser is the people there said and um i don't know i got up around like one o'clock two o'clock or some shit and i just walked two miles from where we parked the bus outside the hotel and went down

to the whole old area of uh of south carolina columbia south carolina it was fucking insane this is a place where like bankers retire after they steal money for 60 years they the fucking i was sitting there walking down the street and um there's some horse drawn like carriage thing that people are like taking a tour of the area and all these old homes the lady has the uh the rebel confederate hat on minus the flag right and she's like if y'all look over there that house is for sale for nine million dollars this old ass fucking else and i'm looking at it like probably a hundred to a hundred fifty years older than my house this thing maybe is from the early 1800s right and uh if not the 1700s and i'm just thinking of all the bullshit that i've gone through

with my house that's 90 years old and that's all i saw i'm like you're gonna pay fucking nine million dollars for that really that's what you're gonna do and you're gonna be out fucking you know with the movies and a pipe is gonna burst and you have to deal with that bullet go fuck yourself if you play nine million dollars for a house you're an asshole you're an asshole all right you're in banking that's what i would guess you're either in banking or you worked for insurance companies and collected premiums and then when people's fucking gallbladders bursted you didn't give them the fucking money either did that or you invented the flow b other than that i don't know how you either just straight up steal shit legally

or you fucking uh you come up with just some dumb shit the jack chop right some sort of thing to chop up lettuce you know or make fat people more comfortable that's another one right all right here we go um in limbo hey bill i'm 22 years old from the suburbs lawn guy land the youngest of four and i guess you could say i'm the black sheep of the family i didn't go to college after high school mainly because i had no clue what i wanted to do and i didn't see how spending three grand at a shitty community college would help me figure that out three grand dude see now that's where you want to go to college where it's three grand you come out of there you're not swimming in debt but you have no team to follow

um anyways however i'm a decent musician and have acted in a friend's student films and people told me i'm somewhat talented in that area the past years or so i've become clinically depressed i feel that there isn't much left for me here and i'm sick of my friends i was thinking about moving to la with a friend and his brother i'm hoping i can find some things out there and just mainly to get away from the life i have now also looking forward to all the low self-esteem struggling actress ass i've heard so much about um however over the that last year or so my relationship with my family has not been going so well should i stick around and work on my life here and put the pieces back together or go out there and meet some new people and have some new

experiences yeah fucking come out to la or wherever the hell you want to go i think you're depressed because you're in a circle of people that are all following the same fucking lead buffalo over over that cliff all right you're still going to go over a cliff as we all do but you want to be following a buffalo that's going in the fucking direction you want to go to oh my god he's using animals as a metaphor um sir i would say i i mean if you're clinically depressed i mean i don't know if you have something fucking like uh like you know chemically going on i can't help you with that but if you're just fucking depressed because you know doing what all your friends and family is doing and it's just soul sucking every goddamn day i can help you with that

all right if you're clinically fucking depressed i mean you need to see a doctor or some shit you know i don't know see what sort of witchcraft he can offer you but if you just fucking depressed i mean i would definitely uh go for a change of scenery um but i would also say if you're stepping into the to a life of the arts like you you really you have to have a game plan the same way somebody who's going to become a banker does like a banker goes okay um i'm going to join this evil business and i'm going to make as much fucking money as i possibly can and if i have to make old people who actually fought for this country have to eat alpo for the rest of their fucking lives because we're going to rape and pillage

their 401ks um this is these are the steps i need to do one shut off all feelings for other human beings you know they they make a list justify my evil by saying i'm a small part of the bigger evil but my evil is actually a very low level of evil amongst the ridiculous level of evil um no like as far as what i did um when i became a comedian was i just just they were just very small steps one sit down and write jokes two sign up for open mic three have the balls to go up there when they call your name four no matter how bad or good it goes sign up for another open mic and just i just kept i just kept you know you kind of if you look too far down the fucking road it's going to become overwhelming when you when you're when

you're going after something like that you just handle what you can handle that day and um i i would i would do that i can tell you that if you're going to just start being a stand up comedian la is a really hard place to start you kind of want to have your act together and have a little bit of momentum when you go out there um but if you want to act and be an actor i mean there's that's where there's a ton of work but um you know i don't know when you're going to go out to la but i'm sure wherever you live at there's there's some sort of place where you can start taking acting classes which is probably what i would do you know um look if you just need to change the scenery and you want to go out in the fun in the sun and go live down on the

beach um los angeles and great or los angeles like south of there and everything is one of the great places you could ever live in your life i know there's a ton of traffic but still some of the most beautiful women you're ever going to see you know and if you get outside of la most of them aren't even in the business so now they're just a beautiful woman on a beach you know and if that doesn't pick up your spirits i don't know what will but um you know if you seriously want to become an actor and that type of thing i wherever you're at i would start taking some acting classes to see if you actually do have a knack for it slash if you have a passion for it do you go down there you start acting and then that makes you want to read some plays or makes you want to

go rewatch some movies to learn if you if you get like the bug you know and you really feel like this is something you want to pursue um then i would work my ass off on that when you when i felt like i had my act together and i maybe done a player to uh go out to la get yourself a fucking agent or and welcome to this fucked up business well like i've always said if a jackass like me can get anywhere so could you um all right next one uh follow up to last week's miserable law student and some ass kissing all right well i'm going to go blow past the fucking ass kissing we'll read a follow up bill first off i'm sorry about the length of this email i know you are busy look you don't have to sugarcoat you just write bill sorry about the length of this email

i know you suck at reading out loud anyways i am a lawyer and this is just how i write and think i implore you to take 10 minutes to read it you know what when anybody uses the word implore and just because you said you're a lawyer i just fixtures you you you're speaking to the jury and you just clapped both your hands together like class them together i implore you to look at the evidence uh whatever that i am generally thinking you were thinking thanking you for being a good man if you want to use some of it of all of it feel free if not then no hard feelings i promise not to show up to your house some money more all right okay last week you read a letter from a kid who finished his first year of law school who was trying to decide whether to drop out

he noted that he hated law law school and was unhappy you told him to walk away speaking as an attorney with 10 years 100 trials murders rapers you name it please let me say this your advice was spot on oh my god i thought you were going to go the other way i thought you were going to be like listen law school is terrible but once you get out of it and get into the exciting world of sitting next to a rapist who you know did it but for some reason you have to defend him um it makes it all worthwhile um in my line of work we use the term jaded jaded is the state uh where an attorney no longer gives a shit about his clients he simply does his job out of obligation and the need to bring in a paycheck dude how the fuck can you be in that mindset

that when somebody's freedom is on the line dude i swear to god life is so fucking scary once again one of the dumber things i've said nothing will ever be dumber than when i was on joe rogan's podcast and i whatever the fuck i said about science like science is like fascinating it's neat i said something really stupid like that science is like amazing um listen listen to the joe rogan experienced by the way uh or reach out to one of his listeners i'm sure they can tell you where it is in that podcast where i said it it's really it was so dumb i wasn't even embarrassed i almost felt like uh i felt for a freedom you know almost like i was like someone if they come out of the closet you know i was coming out of the closet of stupidity i was tired

of pretending to be this person that i wasn't is he in the closet stupid or is he out of the cleats out of the closet he announced to the world he like that ellen remember that yep i'm gay i was that i should have been on the cover of time magazine yep i'm stupid right shrugging fucking little mixer in front of me as i record the podcast all right bill we get it okay i have 15 cases tomorrow this lawyer says each of us is a human being facing prison some for decades the truth is that i don't give a shit about a single one oh my god i'll do my job but be it via the path of least resistance i just want to get back to my office and check la times dot com i should probably offer some excuse but i won't truth is that every

criminal defense attorney gets this way within three years of passing the bar wow are you just speaking for yourself and thinking it's everybody are you serious oh my god god help me if i ever have to fucking go to get a defense attorney jesus christ anyways between my first and second years of law school i learned that i love commercial aviation oh so here it is so no dude you can't tell you can't say all lawyers are like this you want to be a pilot right wait a second he says not flying but rather the aircraft itself i love every little nook and cranny every little screw in spring but i ignored my passion and pressed forward instead of following a dream and moving to seattle where bowing is based i took a big paycheck as a public defender every day now i look in the mirror

and wonder what could have been all right wait a minute okay so you well then you can't lump all attorneys because some people it's their dream to be an attorney and they want to go there and they want to do something well i know i know a couple of great attorneys i have a great attorney the guys are fucking animal he's up there prowling the stage killing the crowd but doing it in a legal in the legal field ah dude this kills this this fucking kills me in all in all seriousness this kills me like nothing else hearing stories of people wanting to do other things and they're not doing it dude what's to stop you from quitting right now and just doing it it's not like you're eighty anyways between my first and second years of law school i learned

that i love commercial i already read that part sorry um the sad truth is that the law student who emailed you will not listen to your advice he'll finish now that's not true sir let's not super true sir let's not super impose your life but okay he'll finish law school since he's already committed if you ever get the chance tell him that after he ignores you he does not need to practice law a law degree opens a ton of doors but the minute you take the bar you commit yourself to a life of pain and unhappiness i'm not kidding of the hundred plus lawyers i know not a single one likes their work every one of them will tell you not to go to law school walk away from the bar go become a broker go teach at a jc junior college go work for a business open a spear fishing

business in bali whatever just don't go and take the bar there are two reasons i'm writing you today the second that i want to commend you and say that you are not a cunt um you speak your mind using language you choose you followed your close path and have made the sacrifices necessary to later reap the rewards but more than that you have integrity and honor and for that i thank you jesus dude don't put me on that pedestal i'm a fucking moron um and i have regrets too i'll wake up the middle of the night and start screaming like ron burgundy huh trying to fucking get those thoughts of regret out of my head we all have regrets sir and it's not too late for you to move to fucking seattle you know what's stopping you from moving

to seattle one conversation with the fucking people you work with and a couple of suitcases that need to be filled that's it who gives a fuck i'll tell you dude if you should you should follow your heart man and it's not too late i don't give a fuck if you got kids and you're married move them all right just move them up there save up some money fucking move up there live a little more modest it's a beautiful part of the country and uh you know your kids will watch they'll see somebody pursuing a dream you'll be in a better mood you'll be a better husband and father if you're married all right and if you're single you got no fucking excuse all right pack up all your three piece matlock suits and go to seattle anyways a few months back a listener wrote

about how his girlfriend was upset because he went to a strip club and put oil on a woman's tits your response was telling your advice was to reverse the situation his mind then apologize it was brilliant it was the advice that one man gives to another i could come up with countless examples but they'd all be saying the same thing you tell your listeners to be fair and honest with their women do i i always think i come off as a misogynistic douchebag dear you tell the sad and depressed to try to get out and then seek help if unable you tell your young to save their money and you tell people not to use drugs but for legitimate reasons um i could go on and on but i'd be repeating the point sad point is that your podcast demonstrates what it is to be a good man

jesus christ i wish neah was listening to this shit she'd be laughing her ass off i appreciate this he said you sir a good man never let that voice in your head tell you otherwise well listen you uh i don't know it's killing me that you that people like yourself you're acting like you're acting like wherever you live between you and seattle like you're in you're behind you know the old fucking eastern block and there's a bunch of guard towers you know and there's some sort of war zone between you and seattle there isn't you know sir you could actually practice law in seattle you know if you just wanted to make money on the side you know just give this listen sit down tonight and figure out a fucking way to

get your ass to seattle and i guarantee you when you sit down and you start writing it out your game plan you're gonna feel the excitement that you that you're missing being a lawyer and being a lawyer is not a bad job it's just not what you were supposed to do okay because i guarantee you the same way you look at an airplane and you love every screw every spring every nook and cranny of an aircraft there's lawyers who they love the smell of a courtroom they love that big wooden fucking desk they love the closing argument they love that moment of turn you know whatever will you just fucking flipping around on the other guy you know they love defending they love prosecuting they love the fucking sound of their shoes walking

across the courtroom they love it they fucking love it you do not love it so my advice to you is get your fucking ass to seattle all right jesus christ who gives it what what are you worried about sir you're not gonna have you're not gonna have uh what are you not gonna have flat screen tv doesn't cost shit now you'll have enough dude as long as you're willing to make the fucking sacrifice you can make it happen all right what's the matter what are you gonna eat you know oh oh i have to eat fucking great nuts every day who gives a fuck you know peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for for lunch who gives a fuck you know watch this thing on 60 minutes about fucking boy soldiers people kids getting kidnapped turned into murderers you know don't even have a fucking childhood

they get sucked right into fighting a goddamn war following this goddamn basically the closest thing to a zombie i've ever seen in my life and their whole lives get fucking ruined you know you're a lawyer in a free country who wants to move to seattle don't fucking disappoint me you better write me back and tell me you're in seattle all right but please for the love of god don't ever become a jaded pilot oh my god i'm so fucking bored with flying i just have this feeling that i just want to push the fucking was it the yoke whatever the fuck they goddamn stick sometimes i feel like i just want to push it forward um crazy ex billiam catching up on the podcast and you just told the story about a woman you used to date that threatened to kill you and

then made a tin of brownies now she said she was gonna stab me she didn't say fatally um that's where you ended the story dude how did you finally get rid of her in case you're wondering yes my life is that dull that i actually give a shit how the story ends um no i did kind of leave you hanging how did i get rid of her um i was really young and naive and this is what she would do she would call me up and i would pick up the phone this is before caller id and shit so i'd pick the phone up and it would be her and then i would be listen i don't want to talk to you and then she'd start crying and i was an idiot because i thought she was crying legitimately i didn't realize that it was a manipulation tactic to make me feel bad and make me feel like i'm a fucking bully so i'd

stay on the phone talk her down and be nice to her where she wasn't crying anymore and then we would end with a nice ending to the phone conversation but in her psycho stalker world that meant that we were somehow still connected and back together and then she would call me again and i would say listen i don't want to talk to you then she'd start crying it was this fucking circle i that i couldn't get out of cycle i should say um it was funny ever since dan cook's vicious circle came out i never say vicious cycle anymore it was a it was a cycle i could not get out of um so finally my manager at the time just says listen because i said what the fuck do i do he goes listen when she calls you pick up the phone if it's her just hang up just hang up and that's what i just started doing i

would pick up the phone and she'd be like billy and i would just click i just fucking i just hang up and uh within 10 days she stopped fucking calling me i mean granted at that point i was living on the other side of the country for half of the fucking time but i just kept i just kept hanging up and um i did have the advantage like i said of not still being in the same city but what you have to do is if you have a girl like that is you just or a guy well a guy is different i really feel bad for women when it comes to shit like that because guys um you know i guess there are women out there that actually take it to some ridiculous violent level but obviously guys do it more often but i'm so this is my advice for guys if you have some crazy lady in your fucking

life that's what you do you just gotta you can't give him anything because people like that you give him one little fucking ray of light they latch on to that and they think you guys are getting fucking married or some shit um all right that's the crazy x that's how it ended i just stopped fucking it's not really exciting i just kept fucking hanging up on her and eventually she went away and every once in a while uh she would try to fucking reach back out and i just just know just nothing beat it leave me alone i think she reached out and tried to friend me on my space a long time ago and i just did not accept it and then that's the last i ever heard of her that's how you do it

all right cancer lady question morning bill big fan go fuck yourself i've got myself into an inevitable situation and now need some advice on how to get myself out of it a few months back i started seeing this girl who a few weeks in found out she could potentially have cancer oh jeez jesus dude wow i wasn't that into that i wasn't that into this girl to begin with but figured i'd have some fun and when the time came to end it i would but after she told me about the possible cancer diagnosis i felt bad for wanting to end it so like an idiot i stuck around jesus well i if you're young i can't fault you for that you know you now you think you're fucking doing her you're doing her a favor you're actually making it worse oh oh my god dude i'm

getting like douche chills how do you get out of this oh because no matter what it's going to make it seem like you left because she had cancer anyways a few months have passed and the cancer scare is over but now i'm stuck in this situation no you're not that's your green light fucking screen doors open run out of there needless to say she's a lot more into this relationship than i am and i just want out and away from her maniac kids asap dude i bet you fucking dimes the dollar there was no cancer fucking scare i bet she did that to suck you into the fucking relationship i saw a thing on tv the other day and you know god knows if you see it on tv it's got to be true some woman did that told everybody that she was dying of cancer including her fucking boyfriend the fuck

had went ahead and married her idiot anyways he said is there a smooth way out of this cluster fuck without making it obvious that i only stuck around because of the cancer is there a good exit strategy thanks for the help and come to toronto soon asshole um there's no smooth way out of a fucking relationship there isn't you just have to sit down and say listen we need to talk and then they go okay and you say listen i'm not i'm not happy i'm not happy i think you're a great person and everything but i'm just not feeling like you're the one boom right there what did that take eight seconds to say that you just say it you just say it just say it and just get it out there and then to let the fucking chips fall she's got to cry she might scream she might throw

shit at you you know neighbors will be peeking through their curtains but just say that okay she might try to get you to fucking go back and you know manipulate well maybe we can work it out would you want to talk to somebody maybe we can talk to somebody i'm i know i just this is truly what i'm feeling and it isn't fair to you for me to continue sticking around it's just preventing you from meeting the person you're supposed to be with and myself also i'm sorry i feel horrible but i have to be honest with you and you can't fuck with that and then you're out i mean no you're not out you got to sit through another 180 minutes of fucking histrionics and everything but but you're out okay and you just sit down and you tell yourself sir that you know what today at two o'clock

in the afternoon i'm talking to my girlfriend soon to be my ex-girlfriend and you know what from two o'clock to five o'clock is going to suck fucking donkey fucking balls all right but 501 on is going to be great all right this is like you're a fucking junkie i saw that on uh uh uh dr um i don't know it's fucking doctor shows the fuck is it i can't remember shit anymore he was basically talking about how addicts will go through fucking eight nine ten years of hell because they don't want to go through 10 days of uh of detox rather than dealing with 10 days of fucking retching and vomiting and feeling like your fucking your like your fingernails hurt 10 days of that you're going to go through 10 days of hell and be living out on a fucking

street just to avoid those 10 days of fucking withdrawals that's what you're doing if you stay in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in all right just get the fuck out get out now and make me proud all right dilemma dear bill your monday morning podcast has become religion over the past five weeks i came to see at the pap's theater in milwaukee a year ago or so and have been a fan ever since i just thought i might bring to your attention a question of my roommates and i disagree upon completely um in a fight to the death against an opponent of equal size strength and skill which weapon would you rather have on your side a 20 ounce hammer with a nail nail removing hook on the end or a 28 ounce wooden louisville slugger the question is that's not

even it's a joke the question is which is the better weapon and your opponent is essentially you the fucking louisville slugger without a fucking doubt the louisville slugger i can get you from a distance what the fuck are you gonna do with your hammer you got a hammer you got to get inside unless you're gonna throw it at me and i got a bat i'll fucking hit it right back at you i'll hit it over your head now you have no fucking weapon and now i'm coming all right doing that fucking over under over under right in front of my face i i could do it i could literally have that thing okay i bat i bat fucking right handed there the secrets over you now know my stats throws right bats fucking right um drums right plays guitar lefty rights lefty i'm all over the

fucking map so i fucking i'd have it in my left hand my my front hand like if i was up at bat and i would come in do a couple step in step out step in step out and then i just fucking wacky in your shit and as you did that stupid little hop i'm coming up top now now i'm first i'm doing short quick ones real quick fucking you up so you can't you know so you don't catch the bat and then as you really start getting fucked up then i'm then now i'm going for a double then i'm going up the fucking goddamn warning track and then that's it and i'm swinging for a home run and you're fucking done split your head like a fucking melon fuck you in and your hammer it's over um whoever's picking the hammer is is thinking like what would i

rather get hit with once with a bat or once with a hammer hammers made on a metal bats made out of wood what's the stronger fucking material obviously of goddamn hammer right metal all right but what they're not thinking about is the distance you know what why don't you why don't you email why don't you call in the uh joe rogan podcast joe rogan experience you'll be able to break that down all right people you know what that's the podcast for this week mama's in a factory she's got no shoes that is in the alley he's looking for food i'm in the kitchen with the tombstone well john the baptist after torturing a thief looks up at his hero the commander in chief

saying tell me great hero but please make it break there's a hole for me to get sick in the commander in chief answers him while chasing a fly saying death to all those who would whimper and cry and dropping a barbell he points to the sky saying the sun's not yellow it's chicken mama's in a factory she's got no shoes that is in the alley he's looking for food i'm in the kitchen with the tombstone blue the king of the phyllis dines his soul just to save puts jawbones on their tombstones and flatters the graves puts the pine fibers in prison and fires the slaves