Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-2-24

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

Bill rambles about the 'Unfrosted' premiere, reading greens, and microplastics. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:19) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 5-2-16 - Bill rambles about moldy people, losing health insurance, and Bruce drops a deuce. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Phish - Weekapaug Groove (Live at the Hollywood Bowl 8.8.11)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for... No, it isn't. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How are you? What's going on? I hope everything is going well with you. I am in a good mood and feeling loose. I'm not. I'm fucking sitting here on pins and needles. I got the Hollywood Bowl on Friday. And all I want, all I want to do is get on the stage and get going. Just fucking sitting here like the New York Rangers after sweeping the Washington

Capitol, sitting there twiddling their thumbs, waiting for everybody else to wrap up their series, which the Bruins didn't. Congratulations to the Toronto Maple Leafs. They played a great game, backs against the wall. This is it. Do or die. You're playing hockey, you're taking out the golf clubs. You're letting your fans down again. The Toronto Maple Leaf said, no sir. They played a hell of a game. And what was it, Tavares, one handed fucking pass over to Nice, I think his name is,

for the game winner in overtime. As Joe Bartnik says, it really is amazing. You know, I was thinking about how when you're up three games to one in this series, how quickly you can be looking at it being tied. It's literally one loss. You're like three one, man, we got this we got this series in the fucking bag. We are in the driver's seat. We are firing on all cylinders, whatever the fuck they say. And then you lose the next game. Then it's like, oh, shit, we better win the next one. Oh, this is tied up.

So. I don't know. We'll see what happens. I did not anticipate, as I've been saying, an easy series with the Toronto Maple Leafs. Not based on any of their players, just time. How many fucking times can this happen? How many times can they have a solid squad and just get fucking bounced out in round one? They haven't won a playoff series since 2004, so they are due. Having said that, I don't want it to happen because they're playing my Bruins, which I think we're going to get the job done.

We'll see. You never know. You never know. I believe we were up three games to one last year against Florida and that didn't work out so well. So this would be huge. The Bruins win just one playoff series, you know, round one. Get out of round one after losing Bergeron and Craigie, you know, and the ups and downs of this season and everything. And I've been here and we have a lot of talent coming up in the farm system. I think we can, we can definitely build on this. I think Cam Neely did an amazing job. Everybody in the front office. There you go. There's my shout out to everybody working hard.

Speaking of working hard, I went to the premiere of Unfrosted last night, Jerry Seinfeld's movie. Well, I have a bit part in there playing John Fitzgerald Kennedy, if you can believe it. I went with the lovely Nia. And I got to tell you, I absolutely loved the lovely Nia and I gotta tell you, I absolutely loved the movie. I'm in it for two seconds, don't blink, but it was like that movie,

it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world with all comedians. And I said that on the red carpet and then when I went in to the premiere, one of the Netflix executives, Ted Sarandos, was saying that that's what they were kind of pitching. Let's redo that movie and then it turned into this thing. So there's so many fucking cool things and Jerry directed it. It looks amazing. And of course, you know, it takes place in the 60s. So you know, Jerry's totally into cars. So the car, the car's in it,

the colors of the cars and everything. And it's just surrounded, you know, around the whole breakfast cereal, no nutrition, just getting kids fucking just flying high on sugar when you know his generation of my generation were coming up and it was funny was a really colorful time as much as the Cold War and in Vietnam and all of that shit was beginning like it was really colorful the cars the cereal like you know clothes and that type of shit so I don't want to ruin any of it, but I just love the colors of the cars and

they weren't the usual like hacky ones. You know, like that's why I love watching old movies because you'll spot all these cars like what the fuck is that? I never seen one of those, you know, it's because, you know, with each generation of car, there's those half dozen to dozen that everybody loves and the rest of them go to the junkyard and get crushed. Jerry's Taste in Cars was of course top shelf. And I don't know, it's a really, really fun, fun movie with all this fucking shit going on in the world. Two freckled thumbs up for Unfrosted.

It comes out this Friday, May 3rd. I'm an idiot, I think on Netflix. I mean, it was a Netflix event, but sometimes they put it in theaters first, but like May 3rd is when it comes out. So thanks to him and everybody else for letting me come down and doing a quick little scene in it. But it's a great, it basically stars Jerry Seinfeld,

Jim Gaffigan, Melissa McCarthy, and Amy Schumer. And everybody fucking crushes it. You know, it's one of those things. I haven't felt that feeling in a while while I was watching. in Amy Schumer and everybody fucking crushes it. You know, it's one of those things. I haven't felt that feeling in a while while I was watching. Like, this is a bunch of standup comedians holding down a movie here, you know? I know Melissa McCarthy's an actor,

but she came up through the groundlings, I believe. But it was just cool to see. I haven't had that feeling. I remember a long time ago, I did a scene on Breaking Bad. And I was sitting in Saul Goodman's office and it was me, LaVelle Crawford, and Bob Odenkirk. Before Bryan Cranston came in and I remember thinking like, this is the best drama on TV right now.

And for this, like the first 18 seconds of this scene, it's nothing but standup comedians driving the ship 18 seconds of the scene, it's nothing but stand-up comedians You know driving the ship here flying the ship, whatever the fuck you say. I haven't had that feeling a long time so I was really It was really fun and it was a great premiere because I got to see I Mean it go I can't I lost count of how many Ronnie Chang I saw Oh My god, it was a million people there.

It was definitely a good time, definitely a good time. So check it out if you can. And with that, my huaf, my lovely huaf, the Lisa was up on her car and she got another electric car. And I think I'm just gonna drive classic cars I don't like cars that talk to me and try to figure out what I'm trying to do and I don't like having like my whole dashboard be a fucking iPad like I

Used to like you used to go for like a drive so you could think. And now it's like you can't be alone. And it's just this constant like feeling that you're under surveillance, like your TV is watching you, your phone's listening to you, you get in the car, the car is fucking talking to you. It's not good for your psyche, you know, you really need to have like alone time. And I'm so fucked in the head. I think that that's why cigars really got a hold of me

because the solitude of smoking a cigar by yourself is just fucking, I haven't found anything quite like it. I haven't found anything quite like it. Other than going for a drive on like back roads and there's like nobody there so you can just kind of go, you know, and not worry about somebody driving up on you or being stuck behind somebody. I think electric cars are amazing. I think they're just going to lead to a war in Africa

because that seems to be where we're getting all the raw materials and everybody's like you know fucking China owns all of it and all this shit it's like all right that'll be our next you know battle that we'll say that we're fighting because they don't want us to be free when it really is you know 15 sociopaths at the top want the goop or the other fucking rocks or whatever the fuck it is in the ground. And they'll sell it.

They'll sell it again and people will buy it. And then if you say anything about it, they'll say you're not supporting the troops. You know, we'll do that again. But anyway, I like the old shit. When we were in Arizona, Verzi was saying, look at that, he goes, that's a self-driving car. I thought it was a Google Earth car. The thing was ugly as hell. Like, you know, like the top of a juicer looks like that big sort of round circle thing where

you shove all the stuff in. It looked like that on the on top of the car on the front Of the car and on then on like both sides. I'm sure with technology. It'll get better, but I Don't know I don't know the upside of it do you realize how late people are gonna be partying If they don't have to worry about driving to work going to be partying if they don't have to worry about driving to work. They'll just be like fucking sleeping in their car on the way to everybody's going to be asleep. It will end road rage, right? I guess you can't chase anybody after that. I guess there's some of it, but I don't know. I don't know. I just keep, as technology keeps going further

and further and further in a direction, I just keep pulling back and back and back and back like, I'd love to get the newspaper delivered to my house, just start my day with a coffee, two eggs over easy, and bacon, no bread, cause I'm fucking old. Oh god, how do you miss out on toast? Oh, speaking of Tom Popeye, I saw him at the premiere. Speaking of bread. Anyway, yeah, I just keep pulling further and further back in like a fucking just took to like I feel it's just to stay balanced.

I mean, it's the fucking cars talking to me. My wife goes to get out of the car says just to let you know you forgot your phone. And this is how this is our opposites attracting. My wife goes thanks as I at the same time said shut the fuck up no i said shut up i said shut up and i'll tell you you know when ai's come and when your wife goes don't tell my car to shut up you apologize to my car i'm not i'm not doing this so um car. I'm not doing this. So anyway, yeah, oh Billy pins and needles. What else is going on in the world? The Celtics, Celtics handling the Miami heat the way that they should be without Jimmy Butler and oh my god Verzi, Jesus Christ, his fucking text last night.

Shakespeare would have loved it. The amount of tragedy. I guess the Knicks were up by six with like 24 seconds left and they somehow lost the fucking game. Verzi was like, I'm actually like physically ill right now. He said with 20 seconds left, him and his son hugged each other. Like they were going to close him out. And how about Joel Embiid just taking it upon himself to just all of a sudden, I've never known him to be a dirty player.

Now all of a sudden he's like stepping on guys ankles. He's fucking throwing elbows and shit. I think it's hilarious You know cuz it's not like overly it's just Cunty shit that he's doing so You know, you got it. You always got to have that that Angry dad getting up out of his chair. I don't mind a guy like that. It's when people are actually out there, like literally trying to hurt people.

I know he did step on that guy's ankle, but he didn't like stomp on it like that dude out there for the Warriors. I always forget his name, and I'm glad I do because I fucking can't stand players like that kicking people in the nuts Kick some of the nuts and then immediately turns to the ref like what the fuck Like asking for like a foul or something like like no one's gonna notice you just booted that guy in the nuts Anyway, I Had to start this podcast because I accidentally hit stop or whatever.

I had to restart it. I forget if I talked about the MotoGP. I got caught up on the last two races. The latest one was just a fucking instant classic. And seeing Marc Marquez coming back is just incredible. And so now I feel like you just got like, like the race on Sunday, at one point it was Jorge Martin, Marc Marquez, I think, I think Peco was in second and then Marc Marquez.

And just the amount of MotoGP championships with just those three guys and then unfortunately I guess it was probably because Peco was on his back the whole time. Jorge Martin just went too fast into the turn, got on the brakes. I don't know what happens but they lose the front end and he just went down but that left all those points out there for Peco to get him and Martin to get none so now the race is like way tighter. I'm telling you, it's the greatest fucking racing out there. Like I'm screaming at

the iPad as I'm watching watching racing. Now I didn't think that was, I haven't done that. I have not done that since 2015 F1 when Lewis Hamilton, was it Nico Rosberg, were going back and forth and they were doing like days of thunder shit. They were on the same team smashing into each other. And then before that, I'd have to go back to when I was a big stock car fan in the 80s. When they still looked like cars that you drove. Way the fuck back then. Ricky Rudd, Daryl Waltrip, Cale Yarborough was my favorite. I liked him the best. That Hardee's fucking... I forget, I think he drove an Oldsmobile. And then Harry G had the school band

at Butte. I've talked about this shit before, but like, Darrell Waltrip and Bill Elliott and all of those fucking guys, like way back when, when, um, I don't know, everything looked like, they looked like I don't know, everything looked like, they looked like Oldsmobile's Buicks in Chevy Monte Carlos. It just looked like everybody was driving those, that fucking 80s style two door one that everybody had. But I don't know, I just haven't been into it since then. I don't know, I wish they could get like, yeah, you know what it is?

You just get old and it isn't the way it used to be. I think that that's what it is. It's not the way it used to be. So then it makes you feel old, which is slightly depressing. So then you go into, I was better when I was a kid. And it's really like, you really just saying, ah, I'm fucking old. How did this happen?

So anywho I'm gonna try to Let's try to get up a couple of times this week, so I make sure that I'm I'm ready to go Come Friday night I Fucking had enough of it though Jesus Christ to go come Friday night. I fucking had enough of it though, Jesus Christ. The fucking guest list and this and that and all of this shit. These people are gonna come down

and those people are gonna come down and it's just like, geez Louise over here, just get me on the fucking stage over there. Oh, you know what I saw the other day that is Golf for fucking redheads. They have nighttime golfing. I Mean I think the only way to lose you the ball like literally is like glowing in the dark

That's probably stupid I mean how the fuck can even see where you're supposed to go? They have it lit up a little bit. I just love that there's like no sun out or whatever, you know, I mean. I'm just not built, I really realized like, now you know what? Nine holes. There's gotta be a par three somewhere out here in fucking Los Angeles. Just a par three.

Go out there, it's like you only played six holes. You work on your short game the whole time. Ah, fuck, this game's getting a hold of me because I've been thinking about going there and not teeing the ball up and just wedging the whole time. Just trying to go up and down the whole fucking way through. I just, I don't have it in me to be a good putter. I just don't. I always just shoot straight at the fucking hole. I'm not getting down at the ground,

reading the fucking grass, seeing which way it's going and shit. It's just something about it. It's like, this game's not bringing me down to the fuck. I'm not going down to my knees for this game. I'm not. I'm just going to shoot at the fucking hole and if I two, three putt, I don't give a shit. I really don't.

I'm here for the hang and I'm here to watch people lose their shit. Sisters cunt. My favorite fucking line I've heard on a golf course It's a gentleman's game sisters cunt so specific Anyway, let me do let me do with some some reads here for for the week Where the fuck is it Where is it there is oh, I got to plug Paul Verzi show by the way, Paul Verzi is going to be at the Troubadour in Los Angeles on May 10th. So please go down

and get your tickets. Paul Verzi at the Troubadour May 10th. I'm going to definitely go down there and see if I can check out his show. If he'll have me on his guest list if it isn't all filled up. Alright, and I'm back. Had to hit pause. I was like, I'm gonna hit pause for a couple seconds and I'll fucking, you know, finish this podcast up. And you know, life happens. So, it's the next day. Now it's Thursday morning.

Just like that. Time traveling, dude! Time travel. I found my microphone it sounds better I'm in the future I'm feeling clearer firing on all cylinders boss of Celtics closed out the Miami Heat came out blazing 41 points in the first fucking quarter finished him off so hopefully when when the fuck do we play Toronto? You got to finish those guys off. All right, I don't need any happiness in the Canadian media capital of Canada I would still like to I would still like to know Why Montreal Canadian fans hate Toronto Maple Leaf fans so much. I get Maple Leaf fans hating

the Canadians. Even now they've been dormant for 31 fucking years. It's got to be that French speaking verse English speaking. I can actually, you know what I'm gonna do on this podcast, just because this is the kind of person I am, I'm going to actually bring Canada together. I'm going to solve all of their problems so they can be more like the United States of America and just how we all just fucking get along. Here's the deal, French speaking Canadian people, you have to understand this. The people of France do not consider you French. So if they don't, you shouldn't. So why don't you just stop? You know, no, actually I think it's great that you still speak French. Don't just give in to the King's English like we did down here in the United States and we all let go of all of our culture from Europe.

That's why it's all, it's just fucking box stores. I don't know, it's a big problem. You know what, I think I'm oversimplifying it. But then again, I think, you know, God oversimplified my brain when he made me. So you know, I got to do what I got to do I went down to the fucking comedy store last night and ran into Keith Robinson my great friends in this business so that was cool he's out here for the the Netflix fucking extravaganza whatever they're calling it out here and Did my shit did two sets

Fucked up this one joke. I keep forgetting how I get into it Fucked it up twice, but now I gotta go. I gotta figure it out. So I gotta go somewhere else tonight Figure out go somewhere else and fucking say the thing right so hopefully I don't mess it up when I'm at the bull. Just make sure you take it all in. Just make sure, you know, people try to like make sure today you're taking your time. You know, I started clicking on things that fucking about food, you know, about what's actually good for you and bad for you. And it's just like now it's just the sky is falling.

They're sitting there going like plastic bottled water, you know, is now might have 10,000 times the amount of micro fucking plastics that go into your body. And it's like, oh, now what? Because because what, because they lied? Just out of curiosity. You know, they just sit there and they talk about what's in our food. The fact that we accept that it's actual poison.

You know, I see this woman going, you know what the most poisonous thing in your house is, the most toxic thing? Fragrance. Fragrance. Fragrance. And they go, you know, they act like this is their special sauce and it's known carcinogens and blah blah blah blah blah. And then you got other people, oh no, it's actually not that. It's mayonnaise. Hellman's mayonnaise has this, that and the fucking other thing. And it's just like, wait, so let me get this straight. I can't like go on stage and say certain

things as a comedian or my career is over but like fucking... these people can put known carcinogens in food that men, women, and children are gonna eat. They've been giving people cancer and nothing happens. Nothing to see here. Not a story. They are above the fucking law. Once you get a certain amount of money, you are above the law. But what I hold on to, would be amazing, is what they're doing in Vietnam, unless they're railroading that chick. There was a woman over there, she embezzled... ...over a billion dollars, and she's getting the death penalty. So I think that you are, I mean, don't you think that if, you know, feeding your own countrymen carcinogens, known carcinogens,

because you don't want to use all natural ingredients because it's cheaper to use your carcinogens, don't you think like that constitutes the death penalty? That's not a terrorist act? What was another one that they had? It was fucking, they were showing those drumstick ice cream things. They just call it a frozen treat, but everybody thinks it's ice cream and people are leaving them out for like 24 hours and they don't melt. Unless all of this shit is bullshit on Instagram,

I don't fucking know. I mean, I know a lot of the the life coaching. My favorite ones are the guys who are just like, I call them like institutionalized, you know, when somebody they go in and out of the prison system, they just become like, that's just the way of life. They don't even know how to fucking exist in the legal world or whatever. I feel like those people that are all about like just making money, all that grind culture shit, all that shit like showing off what you have and holding up cash in front of your fucking car

or all the douchiest photo ever is when you line up all your cars in front of a private jet and then you squat down or you stand there you never can be looking at the camera you always got to be looking you know down the runway or up fucking wind or whatever like yeah man what just trying to figure out what I'm gonna conquer next like that stupid fucking thing what you notice in all of those pictures is there's no family, there's no loved ones, you know, like what is actually, which will actually make you happy.

People, I saw this guy yelling at people, saying basically, if you're not making $100,000 a month, that, you know, you really need to look at yourself to see what the fucking problem is. Oh, is that what the person needs to do? We don't need to look at the fact that it's a giant fucking Ponzi scheme and inflation is out of control and you can work 40 hours a fucking week and still not make your bills. We're going to blame the fucking person that's running on the wheel. Oh, Jesus, Bill, what a difference a fucking 12 hours makes. Anywho,

I went off the fast last night cause I actually have to go, I'm going to the gym today, I'm gonna lift weights and I was just feeling fucking weak. So I'm like, all right, I owe a day to this thing. So I'm gonna get on the other side of feeling fucking weak so I'm like alright I owe a day to this thing so I'm gonna get on the other side of the Hollywood Bowl I'm not fucking going out there like that like one of those fucking singer songwriter chicks remember from the 90s with the sleeves that went like past their hands and they were just up there being all fragile

and they were just singing those fucking songs, that whisper singing. I can't think of a fucking song, but there was a thing there where you went on stage as like a 30 pound fucking adult and just sang, sang about things and you were just like super depressed. Depressed rock? Is that what it was? And then there was all these other sad women. I always thought that was funny.

Like sad rock. I'm sad. You know, we write a sad song sad song whatever but the other nine fucking songs You know get you going in the morning But just to write an album's sadness to me is fucking hilarious And then what everybody goes to the crowd that goes to the concert everybody just stands around being sad Who the fuck isn't sad? I don't want to stand around and address it Father of mine tell me where have you been? All those sad songs.

Not saying that guy did only sad songs, but just like one after I wish I was like you. Easily amused. Everybody always glorifies the fucking 90s. When the 90s was fucking awesome, there was a lot of sad shit Everybody was fucking sad 80s everybody was happy, you know cocaine crack crank You know fucking we were we were in the zone, man man. Anyways, that was just 10 minutes of fucking not even thinking about what I was talking about. That's how that works. All right. So Bill, like when you come off a fast,

like what are like the best things you guys you got to watch out for this because it's all poison. I kind of feel like unless you just grow your own food That was another thing too. That was the comments. It was either what the fuck or people like see This is why I only eat at home. It's like well, it's in the grocery stores, too And then somebody has to be like this is why I grow my own meat You know you guys if once you finish a pork chop, don't throw it out. Take the pork chop bone, here's a little trick. Put it in the ground and grow some pork chops. Oh yeah, that was another thing. Pork chops are the things that are gonna most

likely have some sort of fucking bacteria in it that's gonna go to your brain and I was just sitting there going like alright. I Know a lot of this is true, but I'm walking down the street And I don't see people just randomly just screaming and grabbing their heads and convulsing on the ground I Saw this fucking guy he like He's like a doctor and he like focuses in on a strawberry and there's all these bugs and shit crawling all over There's fucking shit crawling on your eye right now Does that mean I gotta put baking soda on it? Ah jeez, I'm all fucking worked up here

Alright, that's the fucking Thursday afternoon Jesus, Bill, take it easy That's the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning Podcast I hope you enjoyed it Here we go, Bruins, here we go. Bom bom. Enjoy the music picked out by the incredibly talented Andrew Demlis and then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday Morning Podcast. Alright, have a great weekend. Ya cunts. I'm gonna be a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

May 2nd, 2016. And I know I always make that joke like, Oh my God, where is the year going? But seriously guys, seriously, where the fuck is this year going? What the fuck? May 2nd already. May fucking 2nd. We're getting ready for the summer. Into May, I'm psyched. I'm psyched that we're into May.

Because May means we're closer to the middle of July. And in the middle of July and in the middle of July, I will be done helping to write the second season of Efforts for Family. And then I'm free, not really, but sort of. And I'll have two weeks off and then old Freckles, rumor has it, is going to be doing a nice run through Europe, which may or may not start in Ireland. It's all sort of loose at this point, but we're slugging it out and I'm actually feeling much better by the way.

Thank you for not asking with my sciatica. Sciatica, that sounds like a fucking speed metal band, you know? Not a good one though, right? Come see my band, sciatica, that sounds like a fucking speed metal band, you know? Not a good one though, right? Come see my band, Sciatica. We're going to be down at the ground round on Wednesday night. Okay, yeah, I'll definitely see it. Alright, so like you think maybe you could like bring some people? Hey, you know, I'm going to do what I can.

Alright, so is that like, can I definitely put you down? Dude, fuck off I'm if I get there I'll get there all right bro chill sciatica I'm sorry I actually I got some I found some new stretches I found this fucking guy on on YouTube this doctor who was just sitting on a yoga mat one of these fucking new agey guys you know know what I mean? One of those guys that's like straight, but still makes you uncomfortable. You know those straight guys?

Like a straight up gay guy is not uncomfortable to be around, but there's a certain kind of straight guy that's coming off like he's gay, but he's straight. That is the most uncomfortable male to be around. I don't know why. You know what I mean? It's almost like they got something between their teeth and you just can't even hear what the fuck they're saying. You want to be like, can you just go and get that the fuck out

of here so I can listen to you? Is there a word for that? The gay straight guy? Yeah, Bill, it's called the gay guy in the closet. Well, maybe it isn't. Some guys are just effeminate. Some guys just stand there in gym classes, one person after another is called to be on the team. Well, that's a stereotype, right? Those gay athletes. There was that guy who played on the Big 12 there in Missouri.

And then he went to that football team and then he got cut. It must have been hard to cut him, right? Alright, how bad does this guy have to suck before we won't get accused of being homophobic when we cut him? You know, that's always in the air. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I'm here to talk about Cyanide, the Worcester Centrum! Um... Turns out my hamstring was fucked up, so I was doing like the about sciatica at the Worcester Centrum. Turns out my hamstring was fucked up, so I was doing like the touch your toe stretches,

which is the exact opposite thing that you want to do. Because the nerve is like pinched or inflamed, and you're just like, you're not stretching it or what. I guess you stretch the muscles, really. So whatever, and usually, I don't know, stretches around the nerve. I have no idea. I never even heard of this fucking thing

until I had this problem. And God knows I didn't take any anatomy classes. So I think when you don't have a nerve issue, you can then do that bend because what you're stretching really is just your muscle, your muscle fiber, the muscle tissue. And the nerves are just sort of chilling around it. But when it gets pinched between the fucking interior crucial ligament of the lower

fucking vertebrae tailbone, whatever the fuck it is, all I know is like fucking, fucking pulling a balloon, um, uninflated balloon. I have no fucking analogy. I don't know what the, all I know is it hurt. So I put this guy on this hippie guy and he was just like, yeah, man, what you actually want to do is you don't there. There's certain stretches that you want to do and there's certain stretches that you don't want to do. And you know, we're in an age right now. It's I'm so fucking impatient.

I was trying to skip ahead, but I just had to sit there. You know, everything I could do just to get through a nine minute video, it's only nine minutes out of my day but there's like a flat-screen TV with NBA and NHL playoffs going on I got other videos I can click on you know as I'm sitting there trying to listen to this guy I'm also looking at all the videos on the right you know there's free porn there's all kinds of shit and this guy is just sitting there going, you know, okay, good stretch that you want to do is actually if you just sit down on your buttocks, make sure your weight is on your pelvic bones.

And I was just, it was driving me fucking insane, but whatever. I ended up doing the stretches and I definitely feel better. So thanks to that guy, whatever his fucking name is, and I will definitely be posting those in case anybody else has that problem. If you're just sitting down on a chair and like your feet go numb and shit, you could possibly have what I have. Or you got a big dog sitting in your lap. One or the other, I have no fucking idea, but I'm just happy that it feels better.

And I got to tell you, all these fucking aches and pains that I'm having, I knew this a long time ago, there's nothing better than stretching. Now that I've gone out and I bought all this fucking rogue fitness shit, to lift weights and all the atomic grips and all that shit, to do the,

uh, ninja warrior stuff. Like the best thing I could be doing all that shit is that shit's all going to be great provided I fucking stretch. But um, I don't know. I wish I knew way, way, way, way fucking back in the day to stretch. There was no stretching in the eighties. He went to Gold's Gym. You just did the old, you know, you did the stretch you did before you started lifting in Gold's Gym

back in the 80s. Do you remember fucking Chevy Chase when he's about ready to jump in the pool with Christie Brinklin when he's going, this is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy. You know, he's moving his fucking, that's what you did. You did a couple of those and then you did like, you stuck your arm to the side and you did those fucking, you know, touch your left hand to your right toe and up and down, you know, one, two, fucking those military things. One, two, three, four, I love Marine Corps. You're doing that shit, right?

Without stretching and then you would just fucking work out. I fucked up myself so much. Fucked up my tricep. I tore a peck, you know You know, it's funny all of this shit's gonna come back to haunt me the next time I lose my fucking health insurance If someone just listened to this podcast and list everything that I'm talking about is some sort of pre-existing condition You know, you probably go mobile you're doing well, how do you keep losing your health insurance? Well, because you do an acting gig they pay you one time and then they start sending your residual checks for like a dollar 35. And you have to make 10 grand a year minimal to keep your, every single year, you got to

make it. You got to make that or something like that to keep your fucking sag after fucking health insurance. And you know, if one year goes by and you're writing a show rather than being on the show you fucking lose your you end up lose I mean I do anyways I haven't done enough you know I haven't done enough acting work I guess you know you think with 58 fast and furious 47 Friday the 13th you think I could catch on enough to make 10 grand a year.

You know what? I'm blaming the fucking after SAG health insurance. I think I got to take this one. I got to take this one myself. I got to look myself in the fucking mirror and be like, you know what, Bill, it's your goddamn fault. It's your own fucking fault. Why don't you just go out and get Blue Cross Blue Shield?

That's what I should do. And I should just walk away from SAG after. Right? I don't fucking know. I'm a big advocate of that. You know, looking yourself in the mirror and being like, all right, you fucked up. As opposed to being like, you know, the world is unfair, which everybody knows it is. Right?

But if you say, all right, I fucked up, then it actually gives you an option to be, okay, what can I do to lessen the fuck up? Because I know I'm going to fuck up again. You know? Like, if you're like Caitlyn Jenner right now, rather than fucking filming yourself taking a piss in Trump's tower, you know, why don't you just look yourself in the mirror and be like, all right, how did I fuck this up? You know, for the first 66 years of my life, I had a definitive bathroom to go into.

There wasn't any questions, nor did I have to film myself and then afterwards say I didn't molest anybody. What has happened to that person? That person has absolutely lost their fucking mind. Who's walking around filming themselves taking a piss and then talking about child molesters? And I know what people would say, oh you can't have these fucking former guys with boobs, now they have, you know, they're transitioning people, they're going to fucking molest somebody,

blah blah blah blah blah. I know that that's what that whole fucking thing was supposed to be about, but you know, I don't know. That just came off to me as shameless self-promotion. I don't have anything against transgendered people, but that fucking dingbat. It's funny. Dingbat is the proper word, because she identifies with the female sex, so I think dingbat now works as opposed to douchebag.

See, I kept the D. I went alliteration. Ice Kid never fully, you know what? I would never call Bruce a douchebag. Because he was on the Wheaties box, you know. I don't know about this Caitlin though. The jury's still out. Oh, Bruce did kill somebody. You know, accidentally. Caitlin has yet to accidentally kill somebody. So, you know, there's a lot of math to be done. You know what? I strike all that. I think, I think, uh, she was right to film herself peeing in a skyscraper. You know, whenever I see a video like that, I

always wonder if people who are truly suffering around the world, if they ever get access to a laptop and just somehow that comes up on their fucking YouTube page, you know what I mean? They're just living like those people in Brazil that live in those fucking trash heaps, if somehow they see fucking Caitlyn Jenner walking around acting like a victim, you know, wearing shoes that they probably fucking sew together at three o'clock in the fucking morning. Oh I know I know you're supposed to care about everything I don't I

Don't give a fuck. You know what I give a shit about right now, sciatica coming to the Providence. Oh, it's a Worcester Providence Civic Center Worcester Civic Center. No. Ah, fuck, I can't even remember. That's all I give a shit about. I give a shit about, um... I don't know, being able to fucking reach down and pick up a dirty sock without having a fucking bolt of lightning go down the back of my leg. That would be nice, right? Maybe I'm transitioning. I'm transitioning into a fucking old man right before my very

eyes you know my fucking dog has just been he just sleeps all damn day I know I always bring this shit up but it just blows me away I walked you around the block it's it it's all there man. Anyway so I've been watching as much as I can. My wife's been on the road so I I've immediately become a bachelor. However I've kept this place pretty clean you know and that's a very important thing to do when you're married is when your spouse leaves you have to fucking show them that you can live without them I think that's a huge fucking thing like she so wants to come home and just see this fucking place an absolute like

see that you couldn't live without me you know what I mean which I couldn't I would be fucking devastated if she fucking left or anything obviously I would be but you know what I mean you do have to have a little bit of self-esteem. So, I've gone back to the way I used to live. Like I have one plate, one fork, that's all I'm using. And I just put it in the sink, and if I need another one, I just wash that one. It's great, it's nice and quick,

saves a lot of water, right? Ed Bagley Jr. would be so fucking happy with me right now one plate one fork I'm really into that type of shit and that's very hard to be into that type of shit when when you have a woman in your life you know not having a lot of stuff because bitches be liking stuff I don't know what it is they can't get enough of fucking Amazon. I wonder what percentage of people, you know, there's some fucking guy, but that doctor, that effeminate straight doctor that helped me with sciatica.

I bet he's on Amazon all the time, you know, trying to find a new pair of fucking puffy pants to match his sandals. Isn't it amazing that this guy helped me out the way he did and I'm so fucking damaged as a human being that I still have to make fun of him? What do you want from me? So anyways, the update with the gym. Alright? I'll actually show you guys before and after pictures when I'm done because it's just a fucking garage. I don't give a shit if you see

that. So I got the pegboard up. What I had before was, you know those really long pegboards where your arms are really close together and they go on for fucking ever? My garage has a fucking eight foot ceiling, so that wasn't an option. So I bought two of those and mounted them sideways. So I just do the pegboard exercise sideways, you know, try to go all the way down and then come all the way back. And now where they moved them, they actually cut them in half and put all four side by side. So the goal is eventually to go up one, down the other, up the third and down the fourth.

I got that up, I got the speed bag up. That's more for my wife, she's into that shit. I don't give a fuck about that, you know. That was a big thing when I was growing up, having a heavy bag and all that shit. And then people thought they were tougher because they were hitting a heavy bag that has no fucking arms or legs. You were basically practicing to fight a cripple Is all you were really doing I mean granted there was cardio involved

But actually I remember a long time ago seeing a fucking guy with no arms and no legs as a wrestler and nobody could beat him They just there was nothing to hook and he and he just do, I don't know what he was doing, but he would somehow flip these, he was like, can you just imagine wrestling just a rock, you know? But it was a long, flat one, and somehow it fucking could move. I don't know, and it had a head on it. I don't know how to describe this fucking kid.

All I know is he was winning. So maybe there is something about that. You know what, can I backtrack? I don't know how to describe this fucking kid. All I know is he was winning. So maybe, maybe there was something about that. You know what? Can I backtrack? I don't think I've had one up one point that I've made in this entire podcast that I haven't, I haven't retracted from. Well, you know what? It's a fucking election year.

Um, what's the guys, what's the other guy running other than Donald Trump? Hillary Clinton. Kidding. Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz. I don't know anything about Ted Cruz, but evidently he's really interested about where Caitlyn Jenner drops a fucking deuce. And Caitlyn made a fucking, oh, Snapchat fucking video, right? Is that what happened?

Is that what happened on fucking Facebook this week? I'm so out of the loop, everybody. So out of the loop. Just can you guys just ride with me for the next couple of fucking months as I spend my entire waking hours in a fucking writers room. I don't fucking see anything. I don't read anything. We just stare at a computer screen. I'm going to need fucking glasses by the time I'm done with this shit. My act is drying up. Thank you. You know what? I'm sitting here shitting on Caitlyn Jenner. Thank God she fucking made that video because I ended up

getting a great bit out of it this weekend. I fucked it up the first time and then the next time it it worked. So that's always great you know you got to love topical material. Topical material is like the Doritos of fucking stand-up you know what I mean? It's fucking, it's so fucking satisfying, but there's just no nutrition in it. Whatsoever. But anyways, like I was saying before, I went down to the comedy store,

and dude, I can't fucking believe it. It looks like a goddamn nightclub. There's all these young people in there. There's beautiful women all dressed up and shit just having a great time. Like it's like, I don't know, I wasn't around during the eighties, but I don't know. Um, I don't know how it could have been any better just as far as the sheer amount of people coming out and they're, and they're laughters too. So if you are in the LA area, it's a good time to go down there. And I was on, you know, the shows I was on,

it was just fucking one monster fucking comic after another. That's probably another reason. Like one of my favorites, I consider him a new guy, he's Chris D'Alea, who goes down there. And what I love about that guy is just as a standup comic, I love seeing a legitimate headliner, you know, there's a lot of people that can sell tickets cause they're on TV or they did a movie thing or they took a piss in Donald Trump's fucking tower, right?

Caitlyn Jenner would sell out a fucking improv, but there's very few people that could basically follow anybody go out out there, and really level. Like the point at which that you have to level to really be considered a fucking headliner. And this guy fucking does it, so. Yeah, man, there was a bunch of people. Who the fuck was on the show? I went on after Dane Cook, he fucking murdered.

Um, I got there late on that one. And then the next show I was working with Chris D'Elia. And, um, Natasha Leggero was on. Bobby Lee. By the way, speaking of Natasha, did anybody see the new Dice Clay? Fucking series. I love it. Did you see Adrian- Lee. By the way, speaking of Natasha, did anybody see the new Dice Clay fucking series? I love it. Did you see Adrian? Oh my God, I'm going to fuck up his name. Is it Adrian

Brody? Why don't I know anybody's name? He did this whole fucking thing where he was playing himself and he was, you know, and his next acting role was to play Dice Clay, Andrew Dice Clay in a biopic. So the whole episode he's trying to get Dice... I don't want to ruin it. Just fucking watch it. His Dice Clay is fucking tremendous. And I don't know, speaking of the Worcester Centrum, I've always been a huge Dice Clay fan and I saw him...

I know I've told this story before, but that's where I saw him in like 1988. I saw him at the Worcester Centrum with an unknown Eddie Griffin opening up. And that was sick. He fucking murdered. He did a drum solo at the end of the end. It was one of the sickest shows I ever saw. And I still didn't realize that I wanted to be a comedian. It's how fucking dumb I was when I was growing up.

Do you know I used to memorize comedy albums and I would ride around my bicycle, doing my paper route, reciting those albums, pretending I was doing them in the school auditorium in front of the entire school. And it still never dawned on me like, hey Bill, that probably means that you want to be a comedian. Like I never, it never fucking dawned.

It seemed like it was a million miles away, you know? We didn't have YouTube. You know? You couldn't just film yourself taking a shit at a Dairy Queen and say, take that presidential candidate. You couldn't fucking do that back then. taking a shit at a Dairy Queen and say take that presidential candidate? You couldn't fucking do that back then. Anyways, so as always I'm going to talk about another car that I like and that I probably will never buy. I was watching something on that Tesla S and it's like the self-driving fucking car and these two computer looking guys.

I'll say that because they both had glasses. So if you have glasses in my world that means you're smart and a lot of people's world it means that you know but you know I want to be politically correct maybe they were both a couple of fuckheads but anyways they were in this car and they put on the self-driving mode and according to the video they put blankets over themselves and they took a fucking nap. Now Tesla said that there's some alarming YouTube videos of people doing shit in their cars that you're not supposed to be doing. But they basically took a nap and then somebody wrote in one of the comments underneath it, like would you get arrested if you got shit faced, put it on self driving mode and then sat in the back seat. And you know me, you don't know me. Maybe you think you know me, but I'm always bitching about technology.

I actually am coming around to the self driving car, just provided that you could still drive it if you want to. Because that is pretty fucking cool. Do you realize how fucking out of shape and like, you know how bad like this is going to be for procrastinators? You know, the fact that they no longer have to drive themselves to work and they're going to be trying to finish their fucking presentation in their car. You know, you've seen people brushing their teeth or just people

literally with an eye mask on just sleeping in their jam jams and then they pull up to work. Like you set your car alarm and that's like your alarm to wake you up. Like when it stops and is in park, you know, maybe the horn just goes, that'd be too jarring. That'd be too jarring for people of the future, right? They don't want to fucking deal with anything. They just want to lay around, right? So they fucking lay, you lay there in the car and you know, those fucking creepy self vibrating fucking seats.

When you get too close to something, maybe it does that. You just lay in there, right? And it just sort of shakes you a little bit. And some weird creepy computer voice. You can pick the voice too, right? You know, God knows celebrities will jump all over that. They do the fucking voice overs to make a little bit of cash.

Because no one pays for movies anymore and they're just sick of being in those mighty heroes, fucking superhero movies. One after another. They're literally out of ideas huh I mean once you have like the superheroes fighting each other that they got to be nervous in Hollywood just going like where do we go from here you know can we reboot this thing again can we reboot the fucking Joker and all that

you know what the funny thing is though is people will keep showing up. I guess that makes sense right? God knows they've had the comic books forever and people keep reading those. You know what I'm taking that one back I'm wrong about that one again have I been right yet? Fuck! Bunch of swings and misses. So anyways that Tesla S has another feature where you can like call the car like a fucking dog. Like if it's in a tight parking spot, you can just go, hey, Tesla, Tesla, Tesla, come in, buddy.

Huh? You want to go for a drive? Right? And the thing just slowly backs up. It comes to you. It's literally, it's like the fucking night rider car. And like I said, I am usually anti-technology and but every once in a while something comes along and I even me, as much as a fucking freckled cunt that I am, I have to sit back and be like, you know what, that's cool.

So here's the thing, the car costs like, I don't know, like $120,000. So I imagine 90% of the people, you know, not trying to talk down to you, okay, we'll say 80% of you that listen to this fucking thing, right? Just went like, oh, Jesus, I'll never be able to afford that. Yeah, you will. I'll tell you why. Okay? I'll give you fucking three examples. Calculators, rollerblades, and flat-screen TVs. All of those things, when they came out, they were fucking ridiculously expensive. And then by the end of it, they gave them away with like a free tank of fucking gas. Well, maybe not the fucking flat screens.

But you remember, like, we'll go back to calc. When calculators first came out, they were $100 each, something crazy like that. And then they just kept dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping, as more and more people bought them. And then they had the solar ones. And the next thing you know, you got a calculator with a fucking free fill up at the gas station. Rollerblades were always over a hundred bucks, right? And everybody had them. And then like, well, what what the fuck we're gonna do with the rest of them and next thing you know they was 30 bucks right? Flat screen TVs when they first came out I for some reason remember them to be about 11 grand when they first came out you know and they were about as thick as my

fucking head. Let me look this up here original price Original price of flat screen TVs. I'm saying 11 grand. Flat screen, flat screen, falling cost of flat screens. What a, Jesus Christ, I'll never find it. Oh, the price was 14,090, almost 15 grand. find it. Oh the price was $14,000, almost 15 grand. $999 for a plasma TV. Plasma display TV, yada yada yada. Advantages, disadvantages, where the fuck was it? History. So we'll go to the 2000s. 2000s, a 40-inch TV, cost. Oh you know what, go fuck yourself. I don't know where the fuck it was. It actually came up and then I clicked on it and then the information disappears. Sorry about that. I'm just saying. So I bet that Tesla, that technology will, you know. It's like when airbags first came out, they were on Mercedes, they protected

the rich people first. And then once they got all the rich people's money, then they go, all right, you know what, maybe we'll protect the middle class. And then eventually it gets all the way down to like, you know, like there's starving kids in Africa that probably have rollerblades. You know what I mean? And like a Chicago Blackhawks 2016 advanced to the second round t-shirt, right? You know, they always get those fucking They get those hats

Like Boston Red Sox 1986 World Series champions, there's always somebody digging for a blood diamond wearing that shit Buffalo Bills four in a row, you know digging for a blood diamond wearing that shit. Buffalo bills four in a row, you know? That's like what a sex slave t-shirt, you know, sex slave wears over and fucking down on one of those sex slave countries. Are you making light of the sex human sex trade? No, I'm just talking I'm making fun of the Buffalo bills there. I feel for the person that has to was sold into sex slavery, but I don't feel bad for the Buffalo Pills, you know what I mean?

You know why they lost all four of those? Because nice guys finish last and Marv Levy is everything that Pete Carroll looks like he is Pete Carroll is is Marv Levy 2.0. Both of them just look like you could just trust him You know I, I could leave a stack of fucking cash here right in front of them, my life savings, I will come back and I'm going to be fine. And that is true with Marv Levy and that's why he lost four Super Bowls. Now, if you were to leave that with Pete Carroll, you know, I don't think I have to tell you that, you know, there'd be some Hooters chicks over there and he's got wingsauce on his face and be like, all there. What the fuck you talking about? Why am I shitting on Pete Carroll? I know what you think of Bill. What about your coach?

What about fucking what about Bill Belichick? Well he doesn't look wholesome. He looks like a mean dad doesn't he?? Like, oh God, dad's home. God, he's such a douche. You know, that's what he looks like. Pete Carroll looks like, you know, Pete Carroll looks like he goes to church. You know, and on the third day, Jesus will rise again. And then he's in the back and goes, woo!

That Pete, he always gets excited during that part of the Jesus story. Oh, Jesus. Oh, what the fuck was with that guy? You know, I actually tweeted about that guy in the draft that got busted, you know, wearing the fucking gas mask, taking the fucking weed hit. And everybody gave me shit. You didn't watch the draft. It's like dude. It kind of became it went viral Actually, I was actually texted to me by a

another comedian was letting me know they said in real time this guy was getting blackmailed and I ended up watching the clips dude. That, that guy should fire his fucking agent yesterday. That poor bastard, he had no advice. He was sitting there sweating. If nobody came out, if that woman didn't say, hey, hey, that's enough, no more questions. If she didn't rescue him, that guy would still be sitting there like pouring sweat answering every fucking question that

they asked him. What's the most fucked up thing you ever jerked off to? Well, I would have to say, you know, it's just like, I don't know where his agent was, but he was somewhere high-fiving himself, I think. God damn it, that Tesla's a good looking car from the side. I just hate the front end. It's just weird you know because it doesn't need a fucking, doesn't need a grill because it doesn't have a radiator because it doesn't have an engine to fucking you know cool off

or whatever. I was going to say it would be cool if they just put it in there anyways but then air would get trapped and it was actually slow down. Dude that's the fucking car. That's the car you want. That thing is as fast, it actually beats a fucking Lamborghini, it beats a Ferrari, zero to 60. It fucking smokes that car.

Literally smokes a fucking supercar. Now when they get up into the higher gears, there's fucking 70, 80 miles an hour, the Ferrari overtakes it. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck 80, 90 miles an hour the Ferrari overtakes him who gives a fuck gives a fuck 80 90 miles an hour I mean I guess if you know the reason to want a car going that fast if you take it to the track if you fucking drive a hundred miles an hour on regular streets you're a fucking asshole and you're gonna kill somebody so you

know what god damn it I think I'm gonna get that that car. Oh, Jesus. That's a good looking car. Get it in black, huh? With the red fucking calipers. No, I'm too fucking, I'm too frugal. Can't blow 120,000. What's the fucking car payment on that? It's a fucking mortgage. You could buy a third of Detroit for the amount of money you're going to pay for a fucking Teslague. You could buy a third of Detroit for the amount of money you got to pay for a fucking Tesla

That's insane. You know, I watched the trashiest fucking YouTube videos and I really have to stop doing it because everything like for some reason I was looking at the top 10 inappropriate police officer pictures posted online and Then once you do that, then you just stuck in this thing top 10 things banned in the United States inappropriate family photos that will make you cringe you know most of them are staged but you still sit there and watch it the top 10 fucking creepy things ever dug up the top 10 weird things in the background as some whore took a picture of her fucking ass and a thong 10 most dangerous gangs in the world. Alright, I'll look at this.

Guy's all fucking tattooed up holding a baby. Facts Verse presents, ten of the most dangerous gangs in the world. This is what I do when my wife's out of town. I watch playoff hockey and then I have that on and then I fucking sit here and I look at this shit 15 most poisonous animals in the world. You know what it is. I've seen every fail video at this point I've seen every people are awesome video I've seen every fight video. I've seen every instant karma bully thing. I

Just I just feel like I've seen everything that I give a fuck about. Instant karma, fails, five most dangerous people in the world, 10 actors who actually did it on screen. I didn't see that, wait a minute, what the fuck is this one? See, and now I'm not gonna watch some most dangerous gangs. You know what's funny? Most of you are making fun of me right now and the rest of you are

Googling this shit right now. So anyways, let's see if I got any questions of my fucking Andrew sent me the fucking questions yet. Because I don't have any advertising. I ain't got nothing. I'm trying to get this shit out of the fucking way. Because I got to do a radio tour next week to hype all my dates coming up in Florida. Bill, you coming to Florida? You didn't mention that. Oh yeah. Going to all the big cities too. I'm going to Orlando.

Right? Home of Disney World. I like that small shit out here. Right? Just Disneyland. This is Disney World May 6th, I'm gonna be at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida Then I'm gonna be at the Hard Rock live in Orlando, Florida doing two shows and Then on May 8th, I'll be at the Times Union Center for the Performing Arts Moran... Moran? Modal? Theatre in Jacksonville, Florida. And hopefully I'll get there

fucking early enough I can go to a gun range and shoot some fucking guns with silencers that's some fun shit. God damn it that's a good time. Jacksonville is an underrated, under fucking rated city to go to. I know a lot of people shit on, you know, northern Florida, but I gotta be honest with you, I love a shit town. You know? There's fun to be had. Anybody can go to fucking Miami. Go to some fucking Botox party, whatever the fuck it is those people do down there. It's like you're not pretty enough, you gotta fucking laminate your face.

You know, they're just weird. I like being in those, you know, Tampa. Clearwater. Tallahassee. Orlando, Jacksonville. Orlando's not even bad. Orlando's like, sort of like Orange County. It's just sort of, I don't know,

it has that McMansion vibe. You know? I don't know, but a lot of people live out that way because there's no state income tax. That's why so many, Burt Reynolds ended up going out there. O.J. Simpson. You know, all the people that had rough course cases. You know, double murders, divorces, all of that shit.

You know, they all end up in Florida. That's when you know, you know You know as you get fucking older, I think you just that's that's one of the major signs that you were basically Very successful but married the wrong person slash maybe killed somebody as you end up in Florida If you're not like indigenous to that area whoo bill indigenous somebody learned a fucking word, huh? All right Let's see if I can read some advertising here for the goddamn week. The goddamn week of May 2nd.

You know, I always make like a mental note to myself at the beginning of May. Even though I live out here in LA and the fucking weather is always great. Because I always just remember, I'd always be working and I'd be psyched that it was May, and then before I realized it, it was into August. I was thinking like, wow, the first 90 days of this shit, at least May and June, I think a lot of people take May and June for fucking granite.

I mean, I don't even know who I'm even speaking to at this point, does anybody really even have Four Seasons anymore, but if you still live in an area, this is the time where you gotta be like, I mean, I don't even know who I'm even speaking to at this point. Does anybody really even have four seasons anymore? But if you still live in an area, like this is the time where you got to be like, all right, let's make the most of the decent weather. All right. Okay. Enough with that shit.

Let me read some of the, some of the advertising here for this week. All right. But let me go to the, let me go to your questions for the week. Ladies and gentlemen, the questions of the week. Okay, here we go. Bike race accident. Dear Bill, did you see the video going around this weekend of the Brooklyn bike race pile up? No, I didn't. It really makes you question the hive mentality of those bikers. I've been involved in some high speed activities and their inability

to stop or slow down properly is mind blowing. Give it a Google, come down to San Diego once in a while. No, I haven't seen that, but I do know that people on a regular basis fucking die. Not on a regular basis, but you definitely, I mean, it's, yeah, you're the, how fast those fucking guys go. Yeah. You're riding a motorcycle without an engine and, um, Oh, you got those fucking little shorts on, get that road rash. It's the exact same thing. It minus the muffler burn.

Um, but I actually, I'm a big fan of bike racing though. I always used to watch the tour de France and I loved watching Lance win fucking seven in a row, which he did. He won seven in a row. Okay. Everybody from him all the way to the back of the race tested positive. So I'll never, I'll never give up those seven. I'll always say that he won those fucking things. And I got to tell you something right now. I haven't watched it since then because it's been boring without him. You know, it's like Tiger Woods. Ever since his wife fucking flipped out on him, you know, and took half his money, the fucking guy hasn't won shit,

and I never watched golf. I do like Phil Mickelson, though. I like watching that guy. That guy's like a guy fucking goes for it. He doesn't give a shit. He's like, you know, you're behind a tree. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to slice right around this thing.

I'm going for the pin. I don't know. Maybe you should lay up. Hey, look at all the sweat I got out of my mantits. You think I'm gonna slice right around this thing. I'm going for the pin. I Don't know maybe you should lay up. Hey look at all the sweat. I got it on my mantits You think I'm laying up. I'm already ready for a fucking on a Palmer. I'm going for the pin It's what he does every time all right drum workout Hey, sir, Billion big fan of the podcast and thought I'd share this with you because I know how much you love drums and talking about working out oh, yeah, recently I I don't know how I missed out on Pantera.

I just, you know, I could never get into that fucking type of singing. You know what I mean? It's like, Jesus Christ, I heard this in my house growing up. Music used to take me away from this shit, but just undeniably, Vinnie Paul is one of the great rock drummers of all time without a fucking doubt, and I don't think he gets the credit. I was talking to my drum teacher about this, where he's a lot like Alex Van Halen, who's another one of the great drummers of all time, but both of them, like Alex never got his due, I feel, because of Eddie.

Eddie was just so fucking insane that everybody focused on him, and they didn't really even notice how great Alex was, and I feel like Pantera's the same thing. It's kind of creepy how like they both have brothers like you know they were innovative. Innovative you know Dimebag, DJ Cab was just there was nobody like either one of those guitar players. In fact and then you know else is fucked to bring it full circle is unfortunately when Dimebag was murdered um I always heard that Eddie donated one of his he loved Eddie Van Halen and Eddie donated one of his guitars

I think it was that black and yellow one and they actually buried it with Dimebag so it's kind of a morbid way to go around to say that Vinnie Paul is a fucking amazing drummer but I started listening to that song I'm Broken and it's fucking killing me that I can't just sit down and try to figure that fucking song out because I've got to sit in this fucking writer's room. I'm really whining about the writer's room because I'm used to just fucking

having my days to myself to just sit around staring at my dry meandis balls. All right, drum workout. So this new workout, I saw this new workout where you pretend to play the drums, which is currently available in the LA area. See the video link. Wanted to hear your thoughts, comment on these modern gym classes these days. Time to start soundproofing that garage gym. Thanks for the laughs and go fuck yourself. Well, why won't... I don't understand, like, guitar hero. Or even... I haven't even looked at this fucking workout class, like... Why wouldn't you just learn how to play drums? Oh, they're not pretending to play drums.

They have sticks. Oh, God. Is this going to be white people trying to be tribal? Oh, yeah, it's sort of aerobics and they're just playing beats with sticks and stuff. Oh my god, this is giving me douche chills. Oh god, and there always has to be the person is now a hot new workout. Well, they weren't really pretending. They were actually hitting the floor with them and stuff and hitting the sticks.

Somebody said there was already a dance form in India called Dandiya, which has the same concept of dancing with sticks in a thousand plus years old tradition. Oh, what a surprise! What a surprise. Did somebody already come up with that? Look, if that gets people in shape, it actually kind of looks like fun, but my ears couldn't handle it. I'd have to have fucking earplugs in.

I don't know, but everyone was making those guitar hero rockin' out faces. But what would be cool is if that actually, you know, if you're taking one of those classes and you actually want to learn how to play drums, but you know, you can't really play because you have an apartment, I cannot recommend those Roland V-Drums enough. They're fucking amazing. And I told you, I had two of those kits when I was in New York. It's kind of weird because it's like a computer, like it gets old and then the new one's better and then you're like, cause you know, if it

was an acoustic, like a regular drum kit, you just keep it. Drums are fucking drums, but they get the new brains and they're better. And I don't know, you just keep, you just keep, I don't know, it's a lot of fucking money, but they're fucking awesome. So if you live, if you live like the way I did, where I had a neighbor underneath me, I went downstairs and I knocked on the guy's door and I said, listen, I practice drums. When do you work? I'll only practice during those hours.

If you're ever home, when I'm practicing, here's my phone number, call me the second I pick up, you tell me to stop, I will immediately stop. And we actually still had a problem, because the first time he heard me playing, I said hello and he goes, can you knock it off? And I just fucking snapped on the guy. I was like, dude, don't fucking say that.

Like he asked me 12 fucking times and did all that shit and then he never called me again. Fucking dickhead. Although, you know, in defense of him, I can't imagine what that sounded like underneath. You know? Ah, Jesus, I'm just fucking, I'm just retracting every fucking underneath. You know, my Jesus, I'm just fucking, I'm just,

just retracting every fucking statement. All right, shoot matches. Dear Billy bangers and mash, you were talking about shoot matches, shoot matches on this Thursday's podcast. For those of you who didn't listen, a shoot match is a wrestling term where basically, you know, the sports entertainment,

you know, it's a fake fight, even though they really hurt each other. but you know, it's worked out. It's sports entertainment. So technically it's fake, even though they're really throwing each other and getting hurt. It is fake. What happens in a shoot match is somebody fucking snaps and becomes a real fight and starts beating the shit out of the person for real. So he said if you're into those shoot matches, you should definitely look up a wrestler named New Jack.

The Psycho was known for frequently shooting on other wrestlers for the most minor things. In one case, he thought a tag team was trying to steal his gangster image. So he hit them with chairs full force, stabbed them in the head with forks, etc. And in another match, he basically tries to murder a 60-something year old man. Those matches are brutal as fuck, man. You should check them out. I actually saw those. Yeah, that guy has like psychological damages.

Damages? Psychological damage. has like psychological damages damages psychological damage I knew a guy like that when I was growing up he went to fucking cop school surprise surprise you know fucking maniacs who like to be violent like they always end up somehow being bouncers and cops I'm not saying they're all like that I'm just saying it's like you know people that want to fuck kids, you know, they're all about volunteering to take them out into the woods. Not saying every Cub Scout master as well.

I'm just saying, you know, people who want to beat the fuck out of people and don't want to go to jail, get jobs where they have the authority to beat the fuck out of somebody. So this fucking lunatic. So he comes back from like his weekend at cop school and I don't know what he did. He never got accepted. They just were like try out thing. I don't know. I can't even remember. It was so fucking long ago. So he wants to show me this move that he learned and he was doing it in slow motion and then I remember he just fucking looked up at the ceiling, you know? Do you remember how like that dude in full metal jacket when he's like, I am in a world of shit.

Private Joker, you know that thing, right? He fucking looked up like that and just fucking, full force did the move and I heard my fucking wrist snap. And I forget how many times I punched him in the side of the head. I was so fucking mad at him and I was really just mad at myself because I knew that he was one of those guys like he just fucking like like he was one of those he was one of the exact type of personality that you do not teach that type of shit to because

just He was a dope he never felt like he had power in life And then he had this new move and he just couldn't handle it It was like you know the whole thing when they always talk like a baby poisonous snake is the worst is worse than getting bit by an adult baby snake as the adult baby snake sort of rations out the Poison where the baby just gives you fucking both barrels. That's what that's what the fuck is worse than getting bit by an adult baby snake because the adult baby snake sort of rations out the poison where the baby just gives you fucking both barrels. That's what the fuck he did.

He had the mentality of a fucking baby reptile is what I'm saying. And he fucking jacked up my goddamn wrist. And hey, and you know what? It became a fucking shoot match. He was supposed to just show it to me. And I just fucking drilled him in the side of the head like fucking six times

As hard as I fucking could I was so fucking mad at him and I remember we were both drunk And a fucking idiot god bless him anyways Moving ahead here. That was a throwback Thursday story. All right fight dear Billy boy band Billy boy band All right, everyone's been asked everyone's always asking for advice throwback Thursday story. Alright, fight. Dear Billy Boy Band. Billy Boy Band, alright. Everyone's always asking for advice. So here's a rhetorical. Who wins in a fight to the death between a silverback gorilla and a grizzly bear? One's got IQ and mad upper body, the other has razor sharp claws and skull crushing jaws. Thanks and go sit on it repeatedly. I don't know what that means.

Is that like a happy days reference? I would say it depends on if it's a whole, I, I'm root, I, I would go with the home team. All right? If it's a home game for the grizzly bear and they're out in an open field and there's no fucking tree for the gorilla to fucking go up and then come back down, go up, you know, do that fucking monkey shit with a slappy in the fucking head. I would say the Grizzly wins because you know, the gorillas can ball up its fists. But you know, it's like you're fighting Freddy Krueger and he's got two gloves. Four gloves, actually.

I would say, um... I don't know, and I gotta admit, I think gorillas are chill. I don't think they I gotta admit like I think I think gorillas a chill like I don't think they really like doing that stuff and I've watched him fight other fucking gorillas and you know there's a lot of clutching and grabbing and shit and I've watched two grizzly bears go at it and it's fucking devastating where you're like, how is one of them not dead? So I would say a grizzly bear. I don't know. And I'm sure over in Asia that they have those fights on the weekends. Somewhere in Asia they're doing that right now. Because when I go on YouTube, I'm just basing that on, you know, when you go on YouTube, there's actually black and white footage of like lions fighting tigers and shit like that

and fucking cobras fighting these things and you know, it's not like alligators versus fucking cobras or whatever the fuck. They always just, you know, like over in Asia, like the original MMA, you know, UFC type of shit was actually animals versus animals. I mean, you got to give it up to them. I mean, I know that we ask those questions here. Over in Asia, they actually get it done, which means that they're actually killing it more in the realm of don't tell me, show me.

They're taking the initiative is all I'm saying. All right, here we go. We got a couple more here. All right. Let me read the last two fucking advertisements. Really quick. Advertisings, advertisements. Jesus Christ. Isn't it amazing sometimes that English is my first language? By the way, I'm 64 days in with my French. I'm learning past 10 stuff. I can look at it and I can translate it, but I can't recall it because I have no one to speak it with. But I have to think that it's helping me on some level. I think I'll be able to read a newspaper by the time I get to fucking France the next time.

I just won't be able to talk to anybody. Whatever, I'll figure something out. Alright, alright, here we go. And, what do I got here? I got the questions. The last two here. Alright, Tom Brady and Jim Ursay. Alright, even I'm sick of this fucking story at this point.

What up, Billy Boy? Big fan of your bi, blah blah blah blah blah. Of course, the Pats didn't beat the Colts by 34 because of a deflated ball, deflated balls. That's not the point though. Here's an example. If a baseball player is on steroid, but goes 0 for 5 on a particular day. What do you mean that's not the point though?

I don't know what point you made. I guess you're saying the deflated ball didn't affect the outcome. If a baseball player is on steroid but goes 0 for 5 on a particular day, does that mean he didn't cheat? Of course not. I hate people who do this, who ask questions for me. The point I'm making is that it's not about the results. It's about breaking the rules. See, this is why I can't stand people. This is not what that decision was about. Tom Brady's suspension was reinstated, not because it was proven that he cheated.

This last trial was all about does a corporation have a right to discipline its employee? That's what it was about. That's what the NFL was fighting because Tom Brady opened up a can of worms, which was basically like, we're your boss and we said you're suspended. He appealed it outside of the NFL into a court of law, which of course it didn't fucking hold up because it was a complete kangaroo court horseshit fucking thing that happened. You know, where the owner of the other fucking team hires a guy to find dirt on the other fucking team, which you can do on anybody, right? And then one guy plays

judge, jury, and execution. You take it into a court of law. I knew that thing would get laughed out of court, which it fucking did. And Jim Marseille was looked to be a fucking moron. So then what happened, sir, is they changed their argument. They then went back to say, listen, we are the NFL, the corporation known as the national football league. Tom Brady is an employee. All right.

We said that he suspended. We are his boss. Do we, we argue that we have the right to suspend our own employees. That's what it was about. Okay. So this is what kills me about all these people, including Michael Rappaport, who texted me. Right? He fucking texted me, and he goes, Ha ha, motherfucker, guilty until proven innocent. Like Tom Brady was re-susp- like his suspension was reactivated, thus vindicating everybody that says Tom Brady's a cheat.

You guys are not paying attention to the fucking story. That's not what happened. that says Tom Brady's a cheat. You guys are not paying attention to the fucking story. That's not what happened. What happened was the NFL, in a court of law, won the right to suspend Tom Brady because Tom Brady is a fucking... Oh God, is there anything more relentless

than when your fucking wife calls? Jesus Christ, I got two more minutes here. Um... All right, I'll answer it here. Hang on a second. I'll answer it. Hello Hang on a second I'll answer it. Hello Hello, it's connecting. Hey, I'm finishing my podcast. That's why I have a microphone and headphones on Okay, I'll call you right back cutie

Bye Anyways, that's what happened. So I'll read the rest of this guy's shit most happened. So I'll read the rest of this guy's shit. Most Buffalo Wild Wing dopes think what happened was the NFL appealed it and it got proven that Tom Brady is in fact a cheater. That was never proven. It was never proven. All right. So I don't know what. So he goes, if Brady broke the rule, then he should be punished. I don't know if he did or he didn't. I'm just tired of the argument that since the Pats blew out the Colts, it doesn't matter. Another thing you always say that the Colts owner got rules changed to benefit his teams. What rules were changed?

As far as I know, he only asked that the league enforce rules that were already in place. No, he sat on the rules committee. When we beat him and we roughed up his receivers, he bitched to the referees and the referees said that's legal. He then made a tape. He and Ian Peyton Manning made a tape, went to the NFL and the NFL said that's legal. Jim Mersey got on the rules committee. He spearheaded a movement to make the way we covered their receivers not legal.

Okay? The Colts had a better offense than we did at the time. We had a better defense. He made a rule change that tipped it in favor of him. This guy is fucking filthy. He's fucking filthy. Those rules were changed. And why do I have to tell you that?

Why don't you fucking look it up like you can't find it? Anyways, he goes, as far as I know, he only asked for the no. Yeah, as far as you know, yeah, because you didn't look it up. The five yard rule for receivers has been around forever. No it hasn't No, it hasn't That happened in my lifetime The first thing it was it was the melblont rule when he beat the shit out of golden Richards in the Super Bowl Don't fuck you're speaking in general out of these. I can't fucking I can't stand people like this. Oh, that's been around forever

Oh this blah blah blah. Oh, that's been around forever. Oh, this blah blah blah. They don't even look it up. That's like Verzi when Verzi fucking goes like, you know, Joe Montana had Jerry Rice. It's like he didn't have him for his first two Super Bowls. He had nobody in 81. He had Freddie Solomon and Dwight Clark. Those were his number one and two receivers. And he had some guy, Earl Cooper, as a fucking running back. He won with nobody. He won with people. He won with stars. He won with people. He won with stars, right? Fucking millennials. I don't understand them. Whatever. Pre-millennials. They just don't look any damn. He said, Erce simply wanted it enforced. What's wrong with that? Please respond on your podcast. Even

if you shit on me, I'll remain a listener. You're a funny motherfucker. Dude, that's not what fucking happened. And all of this shit happened in your lifetime. You're just having selective memory. He fucking, he said to the referees, look at this tape, look what they did. They go, yeah, we saw it. That's legal. Unreal, unreal. And then they made the tape. How do you forget this shit? It was like a little over 10 years ago.

Go look it up. That's what the fuck happened. And then it became, then it became, you can't touch him at all. It wasn't after five yards. It wasn't before the five yards they were touching. It was after them. The physical contact that they were having after that, that they were bitching about.

And then that's when it came, okay, you can do the five yard chuck, and then after that bullshit, you can't touch anybody at all. Used to be able to hand check. I'm not saying like, you know, that 10 years ago you could fucking beat the shit out of me. I'm not saying that but it's gradually kept moving Towards what Jim mercer finally had was like, okay, you can push the guy

You know in the first five yards and then this is the gym or the gym mercer ruled is then after that you can't do anything ruled is then after that you can't do anything. Okay, which is why right after that all of a sudden all of Dan Marino's records started falling right and left. I remember one year there was like Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and like fucking Tom Brady were all on pace to break his like almost 30 year old record of yards in a season. Because of those those ridiculous things it became almost illegal to in a season. Because of those ridiculous things, it became almost illegal to cover a receiver.

It was never like that when I was growing up, ever. And if you don't believe me, do your homework, go look at old NFL footage, the shit that you could do. The NBA is the same fucking way. You could beat the shit out of somebody if they came down the fucking lane. I mean, what Kevin McHale did to Kurt Rambis, I mean, back in the day, that would be like a 10-game suspension. Or whatever.

It would be, you'd be suspended for a number of games. And as far as I know, nobody even got thrown out. But I am going back like 30 years. So please, just, I don't give a fuck if you want to shit on my team, but just do your homework. That last trial was about a corporation's right to suspend an employee. That's what it was about. It wasn't about whether Tom Brady was guilty.

And, uh, and for all you cunts out there who are just obsessed with this air pressure, what if Tom Brady had steroids delivered to his fucking mailbox in his wife's name? Give me a fucking break already. And even then I got to be honest with you. I don't think steroids change the outcome of the game. They help your personal performance, but if be honest with you, I don't think steroids change the outcome of the game. They help your personal performance, but if steroids just meant you won the game,

then teams that did steroids, when they just go undefeated, I don't know, it gives you a competitive edge. It does, and whatever. I am not against steroids. I think steroids should be fucking legalized they should be researched to the hilt and Just literally for the quality of life

That everyone's gonna have I can't I mean singers blow out their voices They get to take a steroid and they go out and sing their fucking song nobody in the crowd says that they cheated, right? I Don't know anyways let's plow ahead whatever I'm fucking I'm done arguing that especially at this point when all of that information that I just said is out there I might have had a couple of things wrong because I don't have literally the documents in front of me but basically what I'm saying is true and I just don't argue this argue this shit anymore. Okay.

No matter what, this guy's going to get suspended because at the end of the day, he works for this fucking corporation. And you know what? The NFL is actually right. I think they're wrong to suspend Tom Brady. I think that the investigation and all that was an absolute fucking witch hunt. I think all of that is bullshit. But I do think that the NFL as a corporation has to maintain the right to suspend somebody.

So if the bus has to roll over Tom Brady, then so be it, because it's going to make for a better league. Because if he gets away with this, then everybody's going to appeal it outside of the NFL and then they lose control. And as much as I'm not a fan of monopolies, as a sports fan, it works out great. Like the UFC is the shit because the fighters have no options. I feel bad for those guys, but it's great for me as a fight fan because the best guys have to fight the best guys.

All right, advice. I smell. All right, I have a crippling health issue since I was a kid. I fucking stink. People tell me I smell moldy. No doctor knows why. Cologne and deodorants can't mask it. Oh fucking stink. People tell me I smell moldy. No doctor knows why cologne and deodorants can't mask it. Oh my God. He goes, the odor actually gets stronger when I use those things. Showering doesn't help. So I am left alone with this issue. I'm trying to eat as healthy

as possible and exercise every day, which seems to reduce the problem by 50%, which sounds like a lot, but still doesn't satisfy me. I think it's a metabolic issue, which I don't even know what that is, and the body is trying to get rid of the toxins through the skin. Not sure though. Either way, my whole life revolves around this shit, and it led me through episodes of depressions as a teenager and I even considered throwing myself off a bridge or in front of one of those great white trains us Germans

are making. But life is actually decent despite this issue. I can't attend any college classes because of the anxiety, but I have a great amount of friends. I'm happy, funny, all right guy, and my game is alright, so I still get my dick wet sometimes. Gross. Can't lock down any girl though, for obvious reasons. I don't even know why I wrote all of this, but I just wanted to tell you that this podcast and your comedy are

really stimulating my butt-stinking brain. Please come to Germany so we can see your show and I can harass your nose. Thanks for reading and go fuck yourself and your dog. Just kidding, I like your dog. Just go fuck yourself. Alright dude, I would just keep going to doctors. I bet they could figure something out, you know? There's got to be some new agey type of thing, some sort of detox. If it's your body getting rid of a toxin, maybe you're allergic to something. I have no idea.

I am obviously not a doctor here, but detox, fasting, changing your diet. There's got to be a way to do that. I remember a long time ago, there was some woman that just had, was talking about she had brutal halitosis, which is, you know, your breath fucking stinks. It was fucking brutal. And it turned out she had some sort of sinus infection. And then once they cleared that up, her fucking, her breath was fine. So I bet you have this, you know, if if I had to guess there's something undiagnosed

You know, oh god, I'm so in over my head you got something maybe you have some sort of fucking infection I have no fucking idea and I bet you know There's got to be something at this if if somebody can take a nap and drive to fucking work and not kill anybody They got to figure out why you're moldy. I Would just keep going to specialists. And if you guys have nationwide healthcare over there, I would just, that would be my new hobby. You know?

And just keep adding to your file and somebody comes in and somebody will finally crack the fucking case as to why you smell moldy. I bet they can figure it out. You know, and then what would be great is you went through the alienation of this so you got the sense of humor that comes from feeling alienated. And your life will be a fucking joke after that. I mean, think about it, dude. If you could just stop smelling moldy, I would think that that's the number one thing and then

you'd be happy. Your life would be a fucking joke. So if you have nationwide healthcare, I would be seeing a doctor like fucking every couple of days. Alright buddy. It's like you're pulling people out of the crowd to hit the half-court shot. Eventually the ball's gonna go in. I believe in... Dude, it's fucking Germany! You guys are fucking, you know... Half our space program we stole

from you guys the whole seeds of it audio tape all that shit you guys had better machine guns that we did ours would overheat so if we killed you we actually picked we dropped our guns and picked up your machine guns there's no fucking way in 2016 they can't figure out why you're moldy I feel bad for you man I'm rooting for you and I hope you figure it out before you come out to my show. And I should probably know the answer if they didn't, you know? Alright, go fuck yourselves. Have a great week and I'll check in on you on Thursday. See ya. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man

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Yeah. More, more, more, more, more. Bruno, can I have my vocals and I need to hear? Yeah. More, more, more, more, more. Oh, this is a nice spot to sit.