Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-31-18

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Bill rambles about Vegas pregame show, his temper, and nobody having the video.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you, alright? I can't even tell you what a great mood I was in seven minutes ago. Seven minutes ago. Everything was fucking fine, and then what happens? What happens? My whole technology fucking world just, it just, you know, the internet's not working. I got to go into the one room in my house where the internet works for whatever fucking reason. You know, it's a cloudy day. You got to upgrade your fucking something or other, you know. All I wanted to see, you know, I found out that Liverpool lost the cup final, and I know what all you assholes

and do. What the fuck did you just find out now? You know why? You know why I just found out now? Because I have American internet, okay? Do you know how many pages I have to scroll through to find fucking soccer highlights? I mean, it's after the German scat films, okay? That's where the fuck it is in this country. And by the way, I found out that most solid guy got his shoulder yanked out by some cunt on the other team, and good luck trying to find a video of the actual goddamn play. I swear to God, I want to fucking find every cunt out there that is acting like they have the video. Do you know one of the websites I went to had, it had the silence of the crowd. That was the video. I don't want to fucking

see that. I want to see the injury. Fuck, I want to sit there and look at some fat cunt crying over his fish and chips. I want to see what happened. Because the picture that I saw looked like that guy grabbed on depolded Kelly Olinik. He fucking grabbed onto the thing and fucking yanked it out. Anyways, I mean, what kind of fucking world do you live in? Okay, well, you're trying to get more money off of advertising by pulling some shit like that. I swear to fucking God, we'll have footage, we'll have him walking out of the stadium with his fucking arm in a sling. Hey, you got, you got, you got the Zapruda film? Oh, yeah, we got it. You know, what do they do? Huh? They show somebody fucking

with their hand over their mouth. They don't show the actual fucking assassination. God, I was in such a good fucking mood. I was in such a great mood. You know, I woke up, daughter woke me up. Who's kidding who, right? Made a breakfast as I always do. We had a great time. We sang the itsy-pitsy spider 5,000 times. I was in a great mood. And then for whatever reason, my stupid recorder, the metronome got turned on. I did not have turned that off. So rather than relaxing and trying to figure it out, I broke my headphones. Can you believe like this, this all unraveled, you know, my wife loved me seven minutes ago. I'm turning 50 and I'm still behaving like this. I just broke one of my toys like

a goddamn toddler. Do you guys realize that that's you're listening to a child? Maybe that's why God had me go bald because I was acting like a baby. He wanted me to look like one big old baby, a big old bearded baby. I should be down in Coney Island, right? And they should just have me in one of the cages next to the bearded lady and just have me trying to fucking figure out something that involves any remote basic technology. You know, look at the big old angry baby. He's 50 years old, but you wouldn't know it. Just watching me break in fucking headphones and recorders. Oh God. And I'd love to tell you that turned 50 is just profound thing and that I'm going to change, but I swear to God, I'm not. I'm going to be breaking

my walkers when I'm fucking 90. I almost said 80 and then I bumped it up to 90 because I just said walkers. There's no fucking way. You know, speaking of which, I'm back to working out yet another time attempting with the shoulder because I'm impatient. I move up too quickly and wait and I re-aggravate my shoulder. I don't hurt it again. I just aggravate it. But I really do miss, I miss working out and lifting weights and all that shit, getting a little pump going, you know? So I'm doing it with very light weight. Like, put it this way. This is how light the dumbbells are. My dumbbells are like pink, baby blue. I have one pound. It's a girls. I have three pounds. It's a boy. Right? No, I don't wait. No, two

pound. Two pounders are purple. I got the purple rain, two pounders. It's a girl, one pounder. And then I got the, it's a boy, five pounder. And then I got a six pound, the color, they're orange. Right? It's like, I'm working out with Fisher Price weights here. Anyways, I got that TRX band and that thing's kind of been saving me a little bit. It's weird. I can't like, I can't bring weight up to the side, out and up to the side, like much more than three pounds without re-aggravating my shoulder. But for some reason I can do 50 push-ups. And I don't know why I just told you that because now every person who's even remotely a personal trainer, you know, they're going to start giving me advice. You can't bring up dogs, working out,

or, I don't know, something else, how to shave your beaver. I don't fucking know. You always need three examples. I'm sorry, I choked. I ran out of things there. Anyways, have you guys been watching the Stanley Cup final? Not finals, the NBA finals start tonight, but the Stanley Cup final, the first two games in Las Vegas. And I got to tell you something. I really wanted to hate on the intro that the Vikings, the Vikings, the Knights, the Vegas Knights had, that Game of Thrones shit that they were doing. But I get it. I get it. It's Vegas. They got to put on a show. They can't have strippers out there because there's kids there. It was a kid-friendly Vegas show. I thought that shit that they were doing on the ice was amazing. But it was kind of funny. I remember

in the NBA when guys would dunk, a.k.a. black guys, would dunk and then they would make that motion across the neck like we just slit your throat and they were like, that's too violent. Is that a gang side? They can't do that anymore. And then you turn on hockey. It's basically a bunch of white people. They're out there dressed like knights. They're not even miming going across the neck. They literally have a fucking sword right across the neck. There's all those kids there. You know what I mean? Maybe because he's dressed up like a knight or something. Maybe, you know, I have no fucking idea. But anyways, the games have been outstanding. It's really hard to root against the Vegas Knights with that story. Whatever that GM or that coach said at the beginning of the year,

them being an expansion franchise, he said to the players, all of you are here for the same reason. Whoever you were just playing with didn't think you were worthy of being protected. Something like that. I mean, that's like the beginning of all those fucking movies where you know they're going to win the championship. Sneak away from the Nazis like that Sylvester Stallone movie where they played soccer. That's how this whole thing's playing out. But I've become a Capitals fan just because I've been hanging with Josh Adam Myers all these years. So I got a route for his Capitals. Plus they've been waiting since 1974. Who gives a shit? It's been great hockey. I loved the shootout in game one.

As far as 10 goals being scored, I was blown away by how fast Vegas was and just how relentless their forecheck was. And I did like that the Capitals stuck up for T.J. Oshie and knocked that one guy in the nights on his fucking ass, which he got off easy, by the way, compared to what the fuck you guys have been doing to T.J. Oshie. They just decided that we're just going to fucking go after this guy. Is that what it is? Because he's getting face washed, slashed, boarded, cross checked, and he finally fucking snaps and takes a dumb penalty. What's that guy? Well said. He needs to come out and beat the fuck out of somebody. But I loved how the Capitals in the second game played a really physical game and they slowed them

down. And Jesus Christ, that fucking save. That is the save. That might have saved. If the Capitals win the Stanley Cup, you got to say right there that that fucking save. If they go back to Washington, down 0-2, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say really obvious stuff. They got a big uphill climb to skate. Although the Cavaliers were down 0-2 to the Celtics and came back and won four out of five. Oh, God. That reminds me when the Red Sox lost to the Metz in 86, we won the first two. You realize that? If you win the first two, the other team has to win four out of the next five. And all you got to do is go two and three and you fucking blow it. Oh, it hurts. Hats off to the Vegas crowd. I got to give it up. The NHL chose so many wrong cities throughout the

years to try to get excitement going. Carolina, Phoenix, Atlanta, Miami. I was of that mindset of what the fuck are they doing? Why don't you just put one in Mobile, Alabama? Nobody gives a fuck about this shit. You're going down into basketball in football country. Stock car racing in moon shining. They would rather stand along the Appalachian Trail and cheer on a hiker than go to a hockey game south of the Mason-Dixon line. That was my belief. Oh, my God, am I fucking, I'm quoting Bon Scott. That's my belief. But I stand corrected because I got to tell you something. Fucking Nashville and Las Vegas, the level that the fans are going crazy in the stands that they're going more nuts than anybody in the original six. Granted,

we understand the game more so we don't have to fucking scream and yell like that. But I think the trifecta is going to be Seattle as much as I trashed them earlier. Those are great fans in Seattle. They don't need any help to be any louder than they already are. But I will always contest the volume of that football stadium because I went to a home game there and people just chatting before the game and I was like, this is really fucking loud and people just talking normally. Anyway, it was like that fucking Metallica album where they made it like louder than 10. The one that looked like a coffin and a pussy on the album cover. You had it like halfway up and it was still blowing your eardrums out. Did the owner of the Seahawks produce that one?

It's louder, that means it's better. Anyways, I don't know. I just think that that's going to be this resurgence after some missteps in some of these cities by the NHL and I don't think that it will ever quite go mainstream though. I actually watched game one at this cigar bar. Oh, look who's here, the lovely Nia. What's that? Who's that from? When are the batteries for her little toy going to come? Yeah, they're like watch batteries. She has this little creepy little purple monkey that she absolutely loves and it just freaks me out. It's like this, it's something you'd see in a horror movie, right? With that high-pitched voice. Yeah, hello. Hi there, this fucking head

spinning around. It stays on your finger. Can you close the door Nia so she doesn't hear all my filthy talking here? Oh, bring her in. Bring her in. Oh, it's the kid hour. She's coming in. Oh, the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spot. I'm saying this thousand times today. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Hi. Can you say hi? Can you say hi? Hi. There you go. Can you say, can you say dada? Can you say mama? Yes, right. You know where your bread's buttered. Can you say mama? There you go. Can you say baby? Baby. There you go. Can you say thanks? Thanks. Can you say please? Please. Can you say dog? Dog. What else does she got? Say hi, dada.

Nice. Hi, mama. Hi, dada. Yeah. That's right. No love for mama. My favorite thing, I love that I get the mornings of mine with her. That's right. You wake me up. I change your diaper. We give you yababa, right? And then I always make her breakfast. She eats her breakfast and after every bite she has to go. Mm. Yeah. Nia, what did you think about what the capitals did in game two or how they? Oh my god, it was a real showing. I tell you they got out there and they played that game and I was like, whoa. Can you say whoa? Whoa. Yeah, she likes the bubbles, those little bubble

things. She likes you blow the bubbles. She likes to run into them and break them with her face and go, whoa. Bubbles, right? You like bubbles? All right, so Nia, can you break down for the white audience what's going on with Drake and Pusha T? I actually listened to the song. I'm like, all right, so you know he knocked up a porn star. Allegedly. Allegedly? This isn't going to end with a gun battle, is it? No, that is not who those guys are. Those days are over, by the way. Oh, it is? Oh, okay. You shot me in my liver. You shot me. You shot me.

That guy drives me up the wall. No, Pusha T had some. I can't listen to Drake. A new song that took shots at Drake. Drake shot back, Pusha T shot back and Pusha T shot back in a way that was even more devastating than Drake's. Do you ever listen to white music when that happens? White music when what happens? Answer songs and whatever, giving each other crap or whatever. Do you know what the original one was as far as I know? What? The original one. Well, maybe it was the Flintstones when they had bug music. Bug music? I can't stand bug music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said, yeah, yeah. You remember that episode? They were trashing the Beatles and the Beatles never answered if they were above. I'm kidding. The first one was Neil

Young made a song called Southern Man. Trashing them. No, no, no, no, no, no. Sweet Home Alabama is an answer song. It's all in the thing. I hope Neil Young will remember Southern Man don't need him around anyhow. Sweet Home Alabama, you know, and they never, they never shouted each other. Why are you being an asshole? Because you're like, wow. Yeah, wow. Why are you being an a-hole? I don't know. What happened? Neil Young and who sang Sweet Home Alabama? All right, I'm done with you. Leonard Skinner. Oh, mention and skin him. What are they? You're always, you know, did you hear her? She just talked to me. That's the way she talks to like waitstaff people going out to eat with you. It's just like, oh my God. I'm telling you, oh my

God, you get so upset when I say that. Look at you. Uh-oh. I think, yeah, Jesus, what just happened? What happened? I'm glad I'm not on the watch. Could you just heat this back up because this was, yeah. I'm going to tease you out of that. Say bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. See you later. Bye. All right. She gets so mad at me when I bring that up. Anyways, yeah, I actually listened to the song, the Push a T song, so I could be informed about what was going on. And you know, I thought he brought up a lot of points. And I don't know, my answer song would be like, yeah, I banged a porn star, we got a kid, and it's costing me a lot of

money. Anyways, I still got enough of my own Lamborghini. I don't know. What do you say? What do you, I have no idea. What am I talking about here? Why can somebody please send me the video of this most salad guy getting this cheap shot here? That is what happened, right? Because I was thinking how the hell do you separate your shoulder playing soccer? You're not allowed to use your hands. I would think like the one thing that never happens is you don't have any fingers, hand, wrist, any of that type of stuff, injuries in soccer, right? Although with all the diving, I'm sure, you know, if you dove a little too hard, maybe you could break your wrist. Why do I trash soccer? I actually really, I'm really starting to enjoy it. I have no idea why.

You know why I started off, I was in a crabby mood. I just tease my wife about the fact that she you know, is less than cordial to weight staff. You know what's funny is when she goes into a restaurant, she becomes me, which is she has expectations of people. And when they're not met, she like, you know, gets a fucking attitude. I'm not saying she starts throwing plates or anything like that, but good Lord. Anyways, let me read some of the advertising here for this this week. This isn't all for Thursday, is it? Hey, hi. Do you have any respect for the fact that I'm doing a podcast right now? Okay, no, I can move it if you want. Yeah, I don't want to be talking about this on the podcast. This is not interesting to people with

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much money it's fucking costing. They kind of you ever see like one of those talk shows where the husband's at work or something and he finds out like his wife ran up all this credit card debt, you know, then of course it's a talk show. So they still side with the woman. You need to work longer to pay off all of her yoga pants. It's my Dr. Phil. Right now I'm copying and pasting that wine advice, wine town advice to my wife, to my wife. Why did I give a shit about being rude to the waitstaff? You know why? Because she always trashes me and my behavior. I'm going to use that in the future. When you start treating the people in and out burger a little nicer, maybe I will work on my temper. You know, it's so weird about after you flip out and

then you calm down and then you're just looking at your broken headphones on the floor. It's just that sadness, you know? Why did I do that? Where's the other piece of plastic that used to hold this thing in? Anyways, that's 31 minutes. I wouldn't say it was inspired, wasn't inspiring podcasting today. It was kind of, you know, I kind of fed off the energy of the weather, which is a little bit sad. I'm going to be running my hour around LA wherever I can get up. I'll be doing 10 minute spots, 20 minutes, whatever the fuck I can do it. Getting ready next week for Dublin in London, England. Some people ask me, why aren't you playing more cities over there? It's because I'm going over there for my birthday. That's why and I'm doing two quick shows

and then I'm going to just, you know, turn 50, I guess. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but I'm definitely going to come back and I don't know, maybe next year or something like that. I want to go back and do a tour like I did the last time, except, I don't know. I just, you know, I got the kid now, so I don't know how long I could go over there for. And there is just something weird leaving the country with your wife and kid, you know? Maybe I could bring them along. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe that's the fucking move. Maybe I'll do it that way. You know what? I'm getting off the phone and I'm talking to my agent right now. How about, look at that. I just worked that out right in front of you guys.

That's how much thought I put into my career. I just talked to myself while talking to you guys and there you go. Look at my broken headphones. I'm sorry, headphones. Now I'm going to have to throw you out because, you know, they don't make that plastic piece there. It's going to end up in the fucking ocean floating around. They didn't even have to be out there. I kept these things so long that they, like the shit was flaking off, you know, that goes up and over your head. People would always be like, you got something on your head. It's like, oh, it's the spongy shit for my old headphones. I'm sorry, old headphones. You know, this is like when somebody kills their wife, like fucking 50 years into the marriage, you know, a fit of rage. I feel really bad right now.

Are you comparing women to inanimate objects? Yes, I am. All right, that's the podcast. I have a great weekend. Can somebody please send me the video? Do you got a flip phone video of Mo Salah getting his fucking shoulder yanked out? I just want to see if it's as filthy as the pictures look. All right, that's it. Have a wonderful day. Once there was this kid who got into an accident and caught it, caught his cool, but when he finally came back, his hair, I turned from black into bright white. He said that it was from when the closet smashed the sword. Here's something that I actually read a quote from. In one of these magazines,

I guess, evidently, Clint Eastwood was hyping that movie, Gran Torino. I don't know if you guys have seen that movie. I'm sure you've seen the ads for it, where he basically is like, get out of my lawn, you fucking person of another race. I'm a white man and my car represents back when America was good in the early 70s. I guess when he was doing the interview for that movie, he called, I guess, the current generation, the pussy generation. At first, that made me laugh. I'm thinking, yeah, Clint Eastwood obviously has earned the right to call people pussies. I'm thinking, wait a minute, Clint Eastwood is an actor who plays tough guys, who never loses a fight really. Even if he does lose a fight in a movie, it's a fake fight.

So at the risk of making my second sacrilegious comment, first trash in the great making mantle, now I'm going to go off to Clint Eastwood. I'm like, where has Clint Eastwood, I want, this is my question for you guys this week, where has Clint Eastwood got off? Where has he earned the right that he's this tough guy? Because he plays a tough guy. I don't understand that with actors. I remember like after 9-11, for some reason, they wheeled out Tom Hanks, and that was supposed to make me feel relaxed as an American. And I remember during that time, I was doing a joke on stage talking about Tom Hanks saying, he's done so many Army movies, he thinks he's a veteran. You know what I mean? It's not like he did Army movies,

but he played an astronaut. He was in saving Private Ryan. You know what I mean? And all of a sudden, like he becomes like all these guys. Like I said, you know, here's one for you. I got fucking, you know, friends out here. So we're doing the touristy shit out here in LA, and I take them down to Man's Chinese Theater or Groomens, whatever the fuck they're calling it now. And they got those, they got the hand prints and the feet prints and the footprints there, in the cement. And I found John Wayne. I swear to God, John Wayne had the smallest fucking feet I've ever seen. I couldn't believe it. This is a Duke, John Wayne. This is the guy everyone just thought, if he even breathed on you, he'd fucking knock you in the next week. This guy had like, I think he

went to fucking Lady Gap to buy his cowboy boots. These things were fucking, the smallest fucking things. He could have fit both his boots and his cowboy hat. That's how small his fucking feet are. If you ever go to LA and you go to Man's Chinese Theater, it's on the right hand side. He had tiny little ass feet. You know, actors are fucking annoying. You know what I mean? I sit there and they put on fucking leather jackets and they play these badasses and it's just like, dude, you're a fucking, you're an actor. Have you had any real fights, Clint? Huh? Somebody have a fucking rear engine in the drive through at Burger King and you got out and you settled the score? Maybe he has. I don't know what, but you know,

I don't know. I don't know fucking, it just fucking annoyed me. And moving on from that, somebody actually sent me an email that kind of ties into this, right? I'm not saying Clint isn't a tough guy. The guy's fucking ridiculous. He's 80 years old. He's still lifting weights. You know, the way his eyes are squinted, he definitely seems like a badass, but you know, I want to see his fight card. I want to see his arrest record. You know, maybe he was a juvenile delinquent before he came up. I don't know. I haven't wiki-pedied him yet. In the change room and when they finally made her, they saw earth marks all over her body. She couldn't quite explain what they'd always just been there.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 31st, 2010. How the hell are you? Happy Memorial Day. Let's start with that. Let's show a little bit of respect, okay? What are you doing right now? Why don't you get off the fucking treadmill, huh? Stand at attention and give a salute to the troops. Seriously, dude, big shout out. Big shout out, huh? What am I, a hip-hop DJ over here? Big, uh, big hello from America to everybody over there in, uh, Iraq, uh, Afghanistan. Where else do we have troops? Germany, right? Still got people over there just in case they start acting up again. You know, them? That's what you get, Germany. Starting a couple of world wars, you know? I'm glad you did it.

I'm glad you did it. It gave us a nice rain at the top after you lost for the second time and then us in Russia, we carved it up and stared at each other for fucking 40 years going, oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we just like, all right, fuck it, you know? And Russia just said, forget it. I think my mom's calling me, I gotta go. But, you know, fuck you anyway, all right? And then they walk away and then we're standing there like, holy shit, you mean this is all ours? I mean, technically it's not ours, but there's nobody stopping us, right? It's like Bo Jackson when he comes around and all of a sudden he just sees 80 yards of fucking green, you know? Kenny Eastley ain't gonna catch ya, even though he's got the fucking right angle.

It ain't happening. That's what our corporations did. They were like, we're gonna put a fucking Best Buy in every goddamn corner of this fucking planet and we're starting in Iraq, because as far as I can tell on my map, that looks about the middle. Everybody go with that? Huh? Show of hands? All right then. All right then. Let's fucking rally the troops. This is the best one out of all the songs. No disrespect to the Air Force Army and Navy. To the shores of Tripoli. I'm a stupid fucking American, so I don't know where Tripoli is. What the fuck is Tripoli? That's a fucking awesome name. They really picked the right fucking city, town, or country when they said Tripoli. I know it's

not a country. Go fuck yourself, all you European snobs who listen to this shit, who think you're better, right? Because you know more about geography and your jeans are tighter. You think you're impressing me? You're not. All right? Bunch of fuck ups, really? Amy Winehouse, that fucking Pete Doherty douchebag who's never done anything. His big claim to fame as he looks like paste, stumbling down the fucking street. And you guys can't get enough of him. And you have the fucking balls to look at us like we're a bunch of fat fucks. All right? Stand down, Europe. This is our day. Ah, shit. So anyways, I was actually supposed to go over to Japan. Right? Little fucky sucky. No, I wouldn't do that. I would not do that. I was going to go over

there to go entertain the troops and I don't know what the fuck's going on with that gig. Supposed to be a nice three base. Bang, bang, boom. Right? I was going to come landing in a chopper. I was going to do it up just like an apocalypse now. I have a couple of chicks coming out. These boots are made for walking, right? Tassels on their titties. America. Throw some playstations out into the crowd. Play a drum solo with some fucking chopsticks. You know? Little America. That's what I was going to do and I don't know what happened. All of a sudden now, it's like I'm playing a wreck room on a fucking navy reserve base in Rhode Island. I don't know what happened to the tour, but I was supposed to be going over there. I was going to go

over there and I was going to give it my all. And I was going to hang for next to, you know, four or five days, eating sushi, hanging out in Tokyo, you know? Just looking at a city, like what if all of New York looked like Times Square? I want to see it. Go to a Japanese garden. You know, you probably don't call it a Japanese garden when you go over to Japan. You know, kind of like when you go to Philadelphia, you don't go, can I get a Philly cheesesteak? It's like, dude, you're in Philly. Just say, can I get a cheesesteak? All right? Everything is a Philly here. See that yogurt? That's Philly yogurt. How come it says yo-play? I don't give a fuck what it says. All right? You're in Philly. So all this food is ours. Yeah, so I guess you say, I want to

go see a garden. So I go see a garden and then be like, I don't speak English. And then I'd be an asshole American like, you don't speak English, learn the fucking language. You know? How fucking, how bad would that be? If you just walk down the street to Tokyo, just sort of yelling out to nobody in general and just sort of over everybody's head, English. All right, I think I've been ignorant enough on this podcast. Right now, you're probably wondering, you're probably wondering going, Bill, last week, according to themmpodcast.com, the one and only official fan page of the Monday Morning podcast. For those of you who like to follow along at home with every reference that I make, when I bring up YouTube videos, you want them at your fingertips, when I mention old actors,

when I talk about yo-play yogurt, you want to look at the carton. Oh yeah, that is what it looks like. It's all up on themmpodcast.com. All right? Actually made a little video there. What does it mean? Like Archie Bunker. I made a little video there, Edith. You think that? I made a video for the, it's a long story. You'll see. We have an exclusive video. It's not even up on YouTube or maybe it is. I don't know. I don't handle that shit. I just see the red light and I just start talking people because I'm a professional. Just like all those band members on fucking Lawrence Welk, okay? The light comes on, I start doing whatever it is that I do to pay the fucking rent. I don't even know what I'm talking

about. But anyways, I told you guys that I was going to be interviewing the wonderfully talented Nicholas Swartzen. Is it Swartzen or Swartzen or Swartzen? I think it's Swartzen. Would the real Nicholas Swartzen please stand up? Minnesota's own Nick Swartzen. Grandma's boy. Don't mess with the Zohan. Blades of glory. All those fucking, all those movies that fucking every college kid and immature 41 year old soon to be 42 year old like myself absolutely fucking loves. I love those movies. Okay. First of all, I didn't even know, I didn't, somehow grandma's boy went under my radar. I don't know what I was doing, but I miss when that movie came out and I started watching some clips on it. It's fucking, it's funny as hell. And I'm going to rent it this week.

So anyways, I was supposed to, and that's what I was doing. I was ready for an inside the actor studio. You know, I was, I was looking at his body of work and all that shit getting ready. You know, I wanted to have a good interview and then, you know, when you have everything all planned out, and then just, you know, this is what happened. Okay. I called Nicholas and I said, you know, are we good for today? He goes, yeah, no problem. Give me and whatever we're supposed to meet in like an hour or something. So I'm sitting there in my fucking, you know, my boxers playing my guitar, right? Doing what I do. I'm trying to learn these fucking surf, you know, that surf guitar, you know, for those of you trying to learn guitar, you know, try to learn to play by ear. So then

you're not like, you know, borderline retarded in an instrumental kind of way, instrumental in an instrument kind of way. So, you know, there's simple songs. It's all one fucking string, you can figure it out. You know, you'll learn some chords, some fucking doing that shit. And my girl goes, okay, okay, I'm going to take the dog out. So she walks down the street. And just like in life when tragedy strikes, you have no idea it's coming. All right. I'm sitting there trying to learn how to play waiting on a friend. You know, annoying my neighbors having the window open, not giving a fuck. Right. Trying to slowly kill the old man who lives down below me.

On a holiday weekend, I might add. Fucking three minutes goes by. My girl is taking the dog around the block. What could happen? Right. All of a sudden she comes in, opens the door and she looks, look at me. She's like, I just got bit by a dog. She's freaking out. And I was like, I couldn't even fucking, I couldn't, I couldn't process it. I was like, you just walked outside to go take the dog for a walk. And now you're bleeding on your leg. What's going on? She had a little, was a nip. Fortunately, she didn't need stitches. But now my whole day is in shambles. It's like, what did you get bit by? Was it a coyote? It was a dog. It was a dog. Okay. Whose dog was it? I don't know. They weren't

around. There was some lady there. She helped me. All this shit. The next thing you know, I go from sitting in my underwear, trying to learn some Bill Haley in the comments. The next thing you know, I'm walking up the street. I fucking don't even have socks on. I'm walking up on my stupid old sneakers with my feet squishing in my old new balance. Right? Why are you staring at me, Neil? Am I talking about, I'm telling the story as to why Nick Schwartzen isn't on this podcast. Come over here. Huh? Why did I do what? Come here. Why did I say what? Why did you go? Oh, I got bit by a dog. Like I'm some sort of jerk or dork or something. No, I wasn't. I was trying to act like you crying. I just got bit by a dog. It sounds like you're making fun of me. I'm not making

fun of you. Who's fucking told Nick a goddamn movie star? I couldn't do the podcast. I have to take my girl to get a to get a little booster shot. Nick's a movie star? What the fuck is wrong? You don't realize I'm recording right now? I'm sorry. Yes, yes. Why don't you go over on your laptop and go on YouTube? He's clearly in more movies than I've ever been in. So I should probably shut up. All right. This is ladies and gentlemen, if you ever wanted to look up back peddling in the dictionary. Oh, that's my tennis arm. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I'm just explaining this. All right. I thought you were mocking me. I wasn't. I was mocking the situation where you just sit there and like nothing's going on. And you know, you walked

out to fucking take the dog out. What could happen? Remember I was sitting in my underwears. Yeah, the piece of my leg ripped out. Well, yeah, chomped on. Chomped on. What you did was you broke up a rape in progress. Yeah, that's right. That's right. This dog was trying to, you know, take advantage of my dog sexually. You can say rape. She tried to rape her and she wasn't having it. And you know, and dogs can't hold pepper spray because they don't have index fingers of thumbs. That's right. And so they bear teeth and they go at it and fight and say I was proud of her. She's not one of those dogs that just lets other dogs come up and have their way. She's a fucking dog. She's not a slut. She's not a slut. She's a dominant female. She's not taking it. Right. Well,

that's what I was, that was the story I was telling. Okay. Well, will you draw a parallel to what happened to me earlier in the day at the farmer's market when you get to it? I know it's not about me. Oh, and the creepy homeless guy hit on you. Yeah, you had an awful day. I told him, you know, this guy came up to me. I was at the farm. I'm sorry. You're really just taking this over. And he came up to you was like, yo, yeah, I was, I was, I was buying bread from the farmer's market. And this guy comes up to me and he's right in my ear, like all breathing on my neck really close. And he's like, yo, can I get some bread or something like that? It was so awful. And I was like, what? Is that some new street slang for pussy?

Yo, let me get someone that bread and sugar 1972 slang solid. It was terrible. And so I'm like, what? And he kind of mumbled something. And I'm like, all right, you need to step off and whatever. Then he's straight. He's getting close to me again. And I said, if you don't get out of my face, I'm going to punch you in the fucking face. I was so pissed off. If you say face twice, because that really kills your momentum. If you don't get out of my face, I'm going to punch you in your face because you're in my face with your face and I'm not having that with your face. No, I think I said, if you don't get away from me, I'm going to punch you in your fucking face. That's what I said. If you don't get away from me, I'm going to punch

you in your fucking face. And he was like, oh, oh, you're not that pretty. You're not that pretty. And then he walks in. Hang on. Hang on one second. You just sounded like you don't get out away from me. I'm going to punch you in the fucking face. Do you remember the cop and reservoir dogs, one of the most underrated performances ever in the bathroom with Tim Rothen's in there? I said, buddy, I am going to shoot you in the face. You don't put your fucking hands in that dashboard. That classic cop speak, buddy. That's what you just sounded like. All right, so you almost got raped. The dog almost got raped. Thank God I stayed inside. We both bared our teeth and fought off, you know, these fucking advances, you know what I'm saying? All right, all right,

go write the script. It's going to be a nice lifetime movie, okay? You're taking over the podcast. They want to hear about me. Yeah, that's what happened to Johnny Carson. All of a sudden, you let a couple of people guest host. Next thing you know, you're playing golf. Wondering what happened. Yeah, beat it. All right. So anyway, so that was the story. Somebody tried to, a dog, some person left the gate open up the street and this dog came out with another dog. One was the lookout and the other one fucking, you know, came running up, you know, probably there's a little pink doggy dick and, you know, tried to mount my dog. You know, I got to tell you, I got to respect the dog up the street for its belief in itself

that it could rape a pit bull. You know, you know, when they make those movies about the fucking, you know, the white guy from the suburbs who's wrongly convicted, you know, and he goes, he goes to prison. You know, I just realized in those movies, when it's the black guy who wrongly goes to prison, who's wrongly convicted and goes to prison, there's never any issues about him getting raped. You know, it's, yeah, he's a black guy, he'll fucking, you know, kick the shit out of everybody in there, you know, and then dunk on the fucking warden when they have the annual fucking warden prison fucking whatever game, right? But the white guy goes to jail, it's always worried about getting raped. So anyways, if, because they've made that movie,

so many goddamn times, and you couldn't make it any better than Shawshank Redemption, but Tom Selleck made that movie, somebody else made that, I can't remember who the fuck else made that movie, Tom Selleck went to jail and he fucking, you know, he ended up running shit and he respected his intelligence and all, and all this fucking stupid white guy shit that they do, right? So I'm saying, if you want to write that movie, okay, if you want to bring that genre back, if you're sick of seeing two, a boyfriend and a girlfriend who are actually secretly hitmen or spies, okay, if you're not tired of that genre yet, when the fuck did that start, by the way? Was it Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and they've made like 52 of them, Ashton Kutcher has one,

coming out with some other broad, and they're standing back to back with guns and the titles written in like pink lipstick, okay, I'm digressing here, but anyways, this is how you take that one to the next level, this is a tip for all you Hollywood screenwriters out there, this is how you fucking do it, you have the white guy not only be able to handle himself in the prison, but he rapes the toughest guy, in the prison, basically the pitbull version of a fucking human being, whatever, the big, the big fucking just jacked, you know, you ever see a dude just so big, it's like, you look at the, he's like, if I had an aluminum baseball bat, anywhere on his body that I hit, he wouldn't even feel it, you know, even his head, it would be like three times,

he'd be like banging him on the head as he slowly turned around, doing that, that cheesy Bruce, Bruce Willis look, you know, Bruce Willis has one look, when something's gonna happen, he makes his eyes a little wide, he makes his eyebrows tense, one of them goes up a little high, and then he makes his mouth like a little round O, and he turns around, that's what he does, that's what he did all through Pulp Fiction, he did it in Die Hard, and why am I shitting on Bruce Willis, I like his movies, what am I trying to talk, I'm trying to explain why Nick Schwartz is not on the podcast right now, so yeah, I was playing guitar, trying to learn some fucking, you know, whatever the fire, I don't know the names of the bands, I'm so new to the shit,

next thing you know I'm going up the fucking street, and with Nia, who's still bleeding, okay, I did try to, you know, clean it up a little bit, but we also have to figure out, you know, if she's slowly getting rabies, so long story short, we get in the vicinity, now we have to start knocking on fucking doors to try to figure out whose dog it was, and I'm opening the gates, and the gates are creaking, to walk into these people's house, we live on like one of those streets where every house looks like the monsters, you know, so we, you know, to a much lesser degree, rather than the gates being like, you know, 10 feet high, they're like sort of waist chest height, depending on your height, you know, so I'm walking in there worrying that this rapist

dog is going to attack me, so I have this fucking stick that has a ball on the end of it, I look like a fucking wizard that doesn't know how to walk with its cane, you know, I got it upside down, I basically look like some blue-collar guy who was wronged, and he's about to take the law in his own hands, but I'm not going to get fucking bit, right, I got a weapon, Memorial Day weekend, hand-to-hand combat, I grabbed the shovel out of my pack, so I'm walking up, I ring the doorbell, and I hear the other side, I'm like fucking great, right, and then this, you know, then I'm waiting for the sound of the feet, come walking up on the hardwood floors, this lady opens the door, hi, I'm like yeah, your dog just attacked my girlfriend, and then she does just, you know,

oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, that fucking LA shit, will you get lazy by the end of the sentence, and you can't even finish the word, oh my god, that's my favorite, your what, my favorite, your favorite, favorite, yeah, rit, not rah, that's my favorite, anyways, so she wasn't really like that, you know what she was, it's the way fucking, I don't know, I can't speak for other countries, but the way this country is right now, where everybody's just so fucking sue happy, she can't even express concern, or like sorrow, or apology, apologetic, whatever that fucking word is, and whatever tense I'm supposed to use that, she can't express it because she's worried about fucking, you know, incriminating herself, like we're just gonna

sue the shit out of her, because my girlfriend's got bit, you know, and all I'm trying to do is find out if it has rabies, and my girlfriend told me that the dog was either black and white, or brown and black, turned out it was brown and black that she said, and I couldn't remember what the fuck she said, and I knew that she had two dogs, and now I can't say to her the black and white one, and then she'd be like, I don't have one, you have the wrong dog, you just fucking unincriminated me, and then she slams the fucking door, so anyway, so I had to figure out if they had fucking rabies, long story short, and you know, and then I got a call, Nick, and say, you know, remember how we were gonna do that three seconds ago? Well, since then, my dog almost got

raped, and my girlfriend got a chunk of her leg taken out, so she's got to go get a tetanus shot, whatever, long story short was I cleaned up the fucking cut, you know, little peroxide, little bass tracing, I fucking covered the shit up, and then I went back up the street, because I realized I didn't even get their names, and their phone numbers, and crap, and I know that the doctor's gonna be like, well, did you get proof that it doesn't have rabies, so I had to do that, and the next time I went up the street, the husband was there, and he was actually cool as hell, he said, sorry about that, don't worry about it, you know, I'll pay for the trip to the hospital, and that's all I wanted to hear, you know, not trying to get a second Prius out of a goddamn

nip on the inside, you know, of a kneecap, I'm not trying to do that, but I understand, I understand why the fuck they did it, but that's basically the reason why, the reason why that Nicholas isn't on it, and this week I'm gonna try, I'm gonna actually try to hook up and do a very special version, you might, you might get lucky, it's either gonna be next Monday, or maybe sometime this week, you might get lucky, I might do an extra one, and if I am gonna do an extra one, just keep checking in with themmpodcast.com, the second I figure out that we are gonna do it, I will let, I will let, you know, the powers that be know over on that page, and they will put it up, and you'll have the inside fucking scoop, so maybe you'll get something on a Thursday or

a Friday this week, huh? How much you guys love in life, it's a short work week, all you gotta do is limp your way through fucking Tuesday through Friday, you might get an extra podcast with sliding into June here, good times, good fucking times, but I was really looking forward to, I was actually watching a time, if you guys for some reason aren't familiar with Nick Swartzson, you really should just YouTube some of his stuff, and then go out and buy all his comedy DVDs, because like I said, I'm not putting anybody on this podcast that I don't think is, you know, is fucking hilarious, and I was seriously watching his stuff, just fucking dying and laughing by myself, even like the quick little videos that he makes, he's just, he's hilarious, and I'm renting, that's your

homework assignment this week, rent Grandma's Boy, so you're up to speed, and we're any of the other ones that he's in, but Grandma's Boy, it seems like he has the most lines in it, and I don't know, he's got a bunch of movies coming out, god damn it, I had a fucking movie star coming on, despite what my girlfriend thinks, and now it's just me sitting here, under my goddamn ceiling fan again, so anyways, yeah, that's what he got, it's disappointing, it's just me again, I understand that, think I'm fucking thrilled, thought I'd get a goddamn week off, somebody else talk, somebody else talk for a while, do some shit jokes, anyways, anyways, oh I got an email this week, remember the old douche bag of the week award, remember that, I haven't given one of those out

in a while, I got this really bizarre email from somebody the other day, he said, it said, hey man, I sent you an email about a year ago, and it was something to the effect of, fuck you, you really turned into a pussy, etc, I think though that I was wrong for saying that, I will continue listening to your podcast, and looking forward to any new shit you come out with, I wasn't thrilled with your California dog loving bullshit, I mean we all love dogs, but we really don't all talk about it, you know, this is like one of these guys, this is what fucking annoy me about those emails, you know those people where they realize they're wrong, and then they apologize to you, and it starts off as an apology, and then you quickly realize that it's really just an excuse

to start reiterating the shit that fucking pissed you off to begin with, hey listen dude, can I talk to you for a second, yeah listen man, I got, I don't know, I was in a bad mood yesterday, I've been dealing with a lot of stuff, a lot of personal stuff, and I just figure, I just want to say sorry, I got a little out of line yesterday, and it was totally my fault, had nothing to do with you, you were doing that faggy shit that I can't stand, acting like a, it's like wait a minute, what, wait, what, this is an apology, just stop right there, just say your fucking sorry, don't bring it around again and start shitting on me, so the guy's like you know, but fuck it, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, speech, etc, what the fuck ever,

I also think it's cool you actually write people back, now he's being nice to me again, and you're also out there, I actually like your material, thanks again, you know, and you know what really annoyed me about his fucking email is that he wrote, I'm back, that was the name of the title, like I'm actually like, I fucking, like he's the only guy who shits on me in emails, like I've been sitting around going, gee, whatever happened to that guy, I don't even remember when this fucking happened, why not, why couldn't you just fucking come back and start uh, listening to the podcast, I don't give a shit what you do, I don't even care that you told me to go fuck myself or call

me a pussy, you know, do you know how many of those I get, the only one I remember was somebody gave me shit for supporting, for taking the side of a celebrity, he was like supporting celebrities, and what the fuck did he said, fuck you, bye, like he was all done with me, and I just wrote back, all right, take it easy, and it just cracks me up that people are so, like, you know, I'm supposed to be the guy that thinks the world is wrapped around him, not you, right, I mean, these people make me feel better about myself, fucking guys think like, you know, yeah, listen, I know you're still fucking, you know, emotionally distraught about that time, I told you go fuck yourself in November of 2006,

I don't remember that, all right, or if you're going to apologize, just apologize, just say I was kind of being a cunt, sorry about that, all right, and then, and then just fucking start listening again, I don't need, I don't need to listen to your fucking explanations, douchebag of the week, right there, God bless you, welcome back, sir, welcome back, okay, and you became part of the podcast, is that stroke, your ego, hope you get run over by that fire truck at the end of the parade today, I never understood the fire truck, is that because it's always during the day, and they don't have money for fireworks, or you couldn't really see the fireworks, so in the end, they got to have those poor fucking firemen in their raincoats, sweating their asses off, huh, sweating off that

fucking hooker funk that half of them have on their body, those heroes, that's one thing I've learned about firemen, after talking to the cops, firemen love hookers, they love them, you know, I'm telling you right now, half the time you see a fucking fire truck go down the street, half the time they're going to get hookers, it's what they're doing, I think they have all those extra seats, why do you think they have that fucking intense look on their face, they're psyched, they're psyched, they're gonna go get their dicks sucked, you know, when was the last time you even saw a fire, every fucking three seconds you see a fire truck going down the damn street, there's no fire, they're getting hookers, but everybody comes down on the cops, happy memorial day everybody,

I'm winging this one, I'm winging this one, I thought I was gonna have somebody else talk for the entire fucking time, you know, in my YouTube research, everybody, when I was sitting there, my lab coat, my safety goggles, doing YouTube research, you know, lately we've been talking about, you know, bad covers, and people actually started sending me some covers that were bad, but they actually thought were good, like there's some Ukrainian group that does like this, sort of, I don't know what it is, old school, old school like European folk version of highway to hell, so just search Ukrainian highway to hell, you know, the Malcolm and Angus parts are on an accordion, and Phil Rudd's part is basically an empty suitcase

and somebody hitting an empty water bottle against it, and somehow it's actually pretty badass, pretty badass, those guys like they really, they bring a great energy to it, and I gotta admit, I kind of enjoyed it, because you would think it would be a train wreck, so that's your first video to watch, Ukrainian highway to hell, and anyway, so I was kind of looking up that, that's some of that surf guitar stuff, and they all use those Fender strats, and I got one of those this year, and I was never really a fan, I was like the Gibson sound with the Marshall amp, because I was, you know, Zeppelin, AC DC, like that's what I came up on, you know, Joe Perry always had that 59-less Paul he used, you know the deal, and I don't know, I was into the Beach Boys for

like two seconds, and then they just annoyed the shit out of me, but I don't know, just trying to learn how to play guitar, I graduated, you know, you listen to little blues, it's funny when you go back and listen to those old blues guys, like Lightning Hopkins, you know, called Lightning because he was so fast, and compared to how fast guys are today, he's not that fast, so you kind of go back to those guys, because you can at least figure out the rhythm, I'm just explaining, if anybody out there is trying to learn how to play guitar, I'm really trying to learn how to play by ear, so I'm not like one of those douchebags you see on YouTube, where somebody shows you how to play the guitar, but and they still want the tabs, you know what I mean, so anyway, so then I

graduated, took two other surf guitar, and like I said, a lot of the riffs are all on one string, but what I noticed in it was, I came across this group called The Shadows, and they got a song called FBI, and you just have to see the synchronized dancing, the choreography that they're doing, you know, you guys can keep sending me the bad covers, but a whole nother level of funny is some of the bad choreography, because nowadays when you look at the choreography that people do, it's like, I mean the dancers nowadays are so good, they'll have 20 people on stage, and you're watching them, and they're all moving, they're doing the exact same move at the exact same time, and back then in the 60s, it was basically as long as you were doing the same

movement within three seconds of the person to either side of you, it was considered, it was considered, I guess, decent, so check out Search Shadows, FBI, this is some of the worst choreography I've seen, and if you want some bad heavy metal, this is a whole other genre, and I haven't even tipped, even like, tapped the surface of this, look up Britney Foxx and Britney's B-R-I-T-N-Y Foxx, Girls School Live, and just watch the first 10 seconds of this stupid swishing back and forth that I thought was fucking cool as hell, I literally saw it, I was like, oh my god, this is, this is, I was like, oh my god, no, I was like, I literally said, oh my god, I know a fucking ditzy girls have ruins saying, oh my god, but it used to exist, you know, like when you saw

Zeppelin fucking burning back to the goddamn earth with people on fire jumping out of it, oh that was, oh the humanity, and then the last one isn't even synchronized dancing, but this is the main reason why it took me so long, and I never really got into Dave Matthews was that stupid dance, that white guy James Brown fucking danced that Dave Matthews used to do, just search Dave Matthews dance, and it's, it's, you know, you really just want John Belushi to come back from the dead and do that animal house scene where he smashes the guy's guitar, except you really want him just hit Dave right over his fucking head, and the only reason why I ever got in to listening to Dave Matthews was their drummer, and then I really liked, there was a saxophone solo that I just thought was the

shit, one of their earlier ones, other than that, I just, I don't know, I just haven't been into them, so you know, if you, you know, now right there, that's a lot of work, that's a lot of shit to go look up, well you know what, why don't you take the express checkout line, okay, the automated checkout line, and just go to themmpodcast.com, we'll have all those fucking videos right up there, you can watch them, we'll have them in order, the highway to hell, right to Dave Matthews, I mean very little times in life do, would I ever be on the side of a bully, but I swear to God, if right in the middle of his dance, if the stereotypical high school football player walked up to him with his jersey still on, with two of his other meathead friends, and they just stuffed him

into some locker that they brought on stage and smashed his guitar, you could hear me laughing from the back of the fucking stadium that they were playing, I would, I would completely enjoy it, and I don't know what that says about me, oh we're 34 minutes in, I want to give a shout out to all the joggers on the treadmill, you only got another what, another fucking 13 minutes left, 13 minutes left, all right, how smelly is the person next to you, you know, are you on a treadmill right now, you know what I love is those fucking people who don't even need to do cardio, yet they still get on the machines, and they always get on like that, that old school stair master, you know those people who just cheat, they have like a magazine open and they're reading, and then they're like

hunched over, looking like a question mark, and they're just sort of moving their feet, like it's like what are you doing, are you trying to burn fat off of your ankles, is that all you're doing, you're not doing anything, you have full makeup on, maybe that's just LA, do you know what time I was at the gym, I'm actually gonna go outside the, outside the bounds of this podcast, I actually did, I'm gonna, I'm gonna sort of name a name here, I was on, I was on the fucking, the elliptical, you know, because I want to have a hip replacement when I'm 55, I want the dual, the fucking Earl Campbell special, that's what the fuck I want, right, actually I don't, I don't universe, I don't, okay, I've learned that, be careful what you say, your word is your wand,

so I'm at the fucking gym, all right, and there's this girl in front of me, this beautiful girl, but she's got tattoos all over herself, and I'm just going why the fuck did this gorgeous girl get all those goddamn tattoos, right, they're fucking sweatpants, they're hanging down, they can see about a 16th of an inch of fucking ass crack, and I'm just going like that girl, I swear to God, if you just erased all those tattoos, okay, and you put her in a dress that, that showed off, you know, the beauty of a woman, but it wasn't trashy, like this girl is like a classy, gorgeous woman, right, but you know, she's such a mess, sweating fucking, sweatpants hanging off her and everything, and like four days later, she's in the exact same one, I'm fucking sitting

there, I'm doing the elliptical, there she is again, sweatpants hanging off, and just so happened, I was done before, and I'm walking by her because I got to go, you know, get the little fucking bottle of whatever and spray down the machine I just used, and I looked at her and it was, oh, this is such a Kathy Griffin moment, I can't, Jesus Christ, you know, I can't, I can't fucking name names, that would ruin the podcast, all right, I can't do that, I can't do that, how fucking annoying is that, I couldn't do it, Kathy Griffin has already ruined the reputation of redheads, no one's ever gonna trust us with this secret again, she fucking hangs out with famous people, right, and they're all going, oh wow, isn't this cool, I'm hanging out with a fucking comedian, and then she goes on

TV and rats out everything, then she picked her nose, and I was like, oh my god, Michael Landon just picked his fucking nose, I know he's dead, what the fuck, right, so what am I gonna do, I'm gonna do that on my podcast, I can't do it, all right, I gave you enough of a description, there's a beautiful girl with way too many tattoos, figure it out, you know, do you know any movie stars who are beautiful with way too many tattoos, you don't, all right, so now we're out of the movies, it wasn't a musician, it's a TV star, beautiful, too many tattoos, there you go, you figure it out, what are you laughing at, Nia, am I totally giving it away, no I'm not, I don't name names,

she just said you're ridiculous, do you know how much a thrill I get, because I have no idea if I'm making people laugh, if you actually laugh Nia, I know that I'm not wasting my time here, yeah, let's see that, I just got an aw, all right, what am I reading here, all right, hey did anybody notice last week when you watched that, that Sabbath fan going crazy, how much he sounded like he could do a dead-on Sam Kinnison, I really thought that that guy was awesome, somebody actually sent me a fucking hilarious email going like, come on Bill, you think that that, because I said that that guy's actually probably a parent, because he's at that age, and he was like dude you really think anybody's fucking that guy, I mean look at him, and I would

say this, if there was an even amount of men and women on this planet, I would say that he would be in trouble, all right, there would be a pussy shortage in his life that would rival what the fuck we went through in the early 70s with the gas, with the gas crunch, all right, that was a long fucking way to go, but no, fortunately there's three women to every one guy, so as a man if you're dating a loser check, or someone who's just a total conch, you really have no excuse, but women they actually, they have an excuse, you know, when they say a good man is hard to find, they're right, I would think a man would be hard to find if there's fucking, you know, you know, three who-has to every fucking hang down there, hang down over there, you know, all right, let's read this fucking

question here, oh no you know what, I don't want to do that, I don't want to do that, I don't want to do that just yet, beautiful woman, not a movie star, with a lot of tattoos, not a musician, she also does not own an ice cream store, okay, that's it, I'm done with it, I'm done with the hints, anyways, and I'm not gonna confirm or deny him either, but I do know the answer, huh, like I just went political, that's one of the greatest quotes I've ever heard, some lawyer for some fucking guy who worked in congress or whatever the fuck it was, came walking out and they go, they go, is it true, they're blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and this guy just looked at the camera, he goes, I can either confirm nor deny it, I can either, I fucked it up, he goes, I can either

confirm nor deny that, but I do know the answer, and he walked away, all right, put that one in your back pocket next time you're in a fucking jam, when the cops are asking a question, when your girlfriend are like, are you cheating on me, you know, give her that Bruce Willis look from die hard, just look over your shoulder, and then just do that Alec Baldwin sort of whisper, I can either confirm or deny that, but I do know the answer, and then just sort of look off right over her shoulder, staring at something, and don't break your gaze and just walk right by the side of her face, and I'll tell you, you completely mind fucked you, you know, you mind fucked her, okay, and then run down to the corner and try, when the fucking fire truck's coming down the

street, grab the side and jump on, go down the street, get yourself a blowjob, celebrate Memorial Day weekend, all right, let's get into the questions for this week, and when remind me to talk about the 1958 Oldsmobile 88, that's my new fucking car, you know, fuck it, you know what it's, I'm gonna put some pictures up there, some of my favorite old cars, and the Malibu, the fucking Chevy Impala's, those early 60s Chevy Impala's, the Lincoln Continental era, JFK getting his brains blown out, that fucking era car, the, I have never been a big Oldsmobile guy, even like the muscle cars, for me it was either the Mustang, and there was certain years of the, certain years of the Camaro that I really liked, like as much as I like the late 60s one, I think

that 1970s Camaro, where they got like that fucking shark nose on it, is the meanest looking goddamn car, and it's got the Corvette, round brake lights, that car is the shit, and always seemed like whenever, I don't, because it was a little bigger, it always just seemed like the gear heads, always figure out how to put like some fucking 700 cubic fucking whatever the fire, I don't know about engines, they put a goddamn jet engine in the thing, oh and here's another thing too, Jay Leno, I'm fucking obsessed with his car collection, and I'm always going on his website, Jay Leno's garage or whatever, we'll have the link on the mmpodcast.com, he has a fucking, look up Jay Leno, here's another YouTube video, look up Jay Leno tank car,

this fucking maniac bought an engine, he took it out of a tank, never get dently Chrysler or Dodge made it because it's a Hemi, but it's like a fucking 58 cylinder, and he made a hot rod out of it, an open wheel hot rod, the fucking car is like, I swear to god it's like 25 feet long, it's longer than the 58 continental, right Nia, one of the longest production cars of all time, I was actually talking to my dad about old cars, he knows all about old cars, you know, he used to do that when we were kids all the time, be driving down the street when you see a car, oh look at that car, he'd be like, that is a 1955 Buick special, had a 350, god that was a beautiful car, that's all he always ended with, god that was a beautiful car, I actually

remember one time watching one of those Dudley Moore movies where he plays a drunk, and you know he drives his Rolls Royce and he comes screeching in, hammered, and he rear ends another car, and my dad loves cars so much, he's literally watching it, and as the dude is coming in and screeching in the car, and it's so clear he's gonna hit a fire hydrant or whatever with that, that $5,000 grill, remember that 16 candles, you got five grand, I don't got five grand, he comes flying in, my dad is literally going making that noise, you know, like when something precious is gonna break, and it fucking rear ends the car, and then my dad's like, now why did they have to do that, I'm just sitting there laughing, going dad it's probably

a fake Rolls Royce, you know, and he just goes, yes but I know bud, whatever the fuck that means, my dad's hilarious, and whatever is in his DNA about loving cars from the 50s, 40s, and the 60s, I got that, I don't know what happened, I tapped into that shit, but like I said, I've never been an Oldsmobile guy, but there is a fucking 1958 Oldsmobile 88 that this guy redid, that is, it's gold, and just those front four headlights, it's amazing because the Chevy's went from two headlights to four between 57 and 58, and I always hated that, I hated how the Bel Air looked, because it just ended up looking like a checker cab, I liked the 55 to 57 Bel Air when it had the single headlight, I mean one of just the classic,

you know, for Memorial Day, American car designs, how the fuck we went to that, and I was actually thinking, you know, I have a kid here, you know, am I really gonna drive down the street going, that's a fucking 1987 Chevy Lumina, God that was a beautiful car, I'm not even gonna know what the fuck it was, Ford Astro, I'm not gonna know what it was, they all look the same, but back then they had like, it was a, like you know what I liked about the cars back then, I might be wrong here because this is, you know, like I said, I'm not a fucking mechanic obviously and shit, but like back then the way they had things broken down was, you know, nowadays like, like, how can I put this, like Toyota will make everything from a Prius low end car,

like what I drive, all the way up to a high end car, that'll still say Toyota, I know they have Lexus and all that, but Toyota will make like a, like a $50,000, $60,000 car, and they'll make like an $18,000, $20,000 car, and it's all under the brand name Toyota, well back in the day, as far as my understanding of it was, it went Cadillac, Buick, Oldsmobile, Plymouth, Chevrolet, and Chevy's were like bottom end cars, you know, and then if you drove a, it was like the status was like what make you a driving, I believe, at least that's the way I kind of understand, if you drove a Chevy, you were kind of a young guy, you know, making your way up the ladder, and you go back to your high school reunion to be like, what's he driving? He's driving a Plymouth,

fucking shit, he was driving a Chevy in high school, the fuck, how old is he? You know, but if you got up to, you know, Buick and Oldsmobile, you're doing all right, but if you're driving a Cadillac, you will fucking run and shit, and I think that worked the same way with like Chrysler, where it went Chrysler, DeSoto, Plymouth, and then Dodge, I don't know, I just remember when I was in, when I was sitting, I was in a bar in Colorado, and they had this old school poster that said, buy your wife a Chevy, which is funny, it's like, buy one of those low end cars, that'll shut her the fuck up, probably doesn't even mean that, that's just how my chauvinistic mind took that. Anyways, let's, let's, well, we'll have a picture

of like, I'll say like, like three or four of my most favorite American cars in celebration of Memorial Day weekend, and all the troops, you know, you know what I mean, I can barely handle being in Arizona, I don't know how the fuck I would ever survive. You know, if I was ever gonna go to war, I should have gone to war back in the day when we were, well, I guess we used to fight in the tropics. Jesus Christ, that would have been, I, you know, I probably, do they let red heads into the fucking army? Are you probably this? Is that, can I get a deferment for having no pigment? I've never seen an albino marine, you know what I mean? Can I get, that's like having flat feet. I got a bad back, I'm a redhead,

what, what, what are you gonna stick me? All right, you want to fucking have hand-to-hand combat in Greenland? I'm there baby, I'm fucking right there, I'll have a knife in my teeth, I'll take out a polar bear, I swear to God, I won't, I'll cower, my little fucking igloo crying, and someone else is going, Private Burr, get your shit together. I don't want to go out there, it's scary. Nia, I am killing with you this week. I'm fucking funny today. See how women, they always got to clarify it. Why can't you just say you're fucking funny? I'm funny today. You know what, that's why God made you so beautiful. Look at you coming here with your hair looking all glamorous. I was really mad at you till I saw you come walking in here like some old school movie star.

See that? See how I do that? I insult them and then I quickly compliment them and then I get the ah. What do you have in your hand? I am. That's why you like me. The women like the assholes. They do, right? It's because you know we know how to fuck. Anyways, whatever, I'm shit talking, it's the holidays. I'm gonna be rubbing my balls, drinking a beer in a minute, because I'm an American. You think I'm gonna read? I'm not. That extra day, gonna get dumber. That's what I'm doing. I'm gonna be puking in a fucking BFI bin behind Denny's. Alright, here we go. Here's a question for a week. Bill, let me start by saying this question stems from events spanning over the last six years or so. About six years ago,

at the age of 20, I was about a year and a half into what at the time seemed to be a really great relationship. Coincidentally, my job and money situation was also doing really well. So I decided instead of throwing my money away on rent, I'd buy a house. There you go. This guy's making the moves. He's doing well in life. He's buying a house. Everything's good so far. Being that I always plan ahead, I purchased a rather nice house for a first home, even though I thought he said even thought I knew it, even though I knew it was a little too much money. Now, I didn't buy this to start a family or for her, I just wanted a fucking house. In the year or so after the relationship really went downhill, mainly because I was working more

and spending less time and money on her. Okay, long story short, we split about two years later. Since then, I've had many encounters with girls. Okay, so let me fix this with my awful reading. All right. Basically, this guy's dating a girl. He's making good money. He doesn't want to throw his money down the toilet. Paying rent so he goes and he buys a house. And then now he's got a nut. The fucking crack every month. He works a little bit more. He's not spending time with his woman and it goes downhill. Plus, he's younger. That's pretty normal, except the fact that he owns a house. So now he's in this situation. He's single. He has this really nice house and this is what's been happening since. All right, since then, I've had many encounters with girls. The one thing they

have all had in common is their hatred and animosity towards my ex-girlfriend and my house. I have even heard them say things about sleeping in a bed I bought with her or how they don't like it that I did all this with the other girl. I've been dating a girl for about two years now and she's the same way. She even has problems with my dogs because she says they were her dogs, meaning the ex. My question is this, why is it never good enough? Well, if you're a fan of this podcast, you've already asked that question, but I think it's timeless. So that's why I'm reading this again. Am I supposed to start my life over every time I want to begin a new relationship or is it that girls really always want to have what they cannot have? Half the cunts nowadays

are just waiting for some guy to put them up in a house and take care of everything, but when you give them the chance, they bitch because they didn't get to pick the fucking drapes. Oh, this guy's making some good points. Nia, I'm gonna need your help here. He said, I don't, I don't get it. I have done really well for myself and I've done it on my own. None of that had anything to do with who I was dating at the time and I hate feeling bad because I'm trying to make, because I'm trying to better myself. What's your take? All right. Nia, what did you say on this? You actually summed it up really well here. What do you think about this guy? Just to reiterate, you know the deal? What is his problem? I think the problem is the kind of people that he

dates because I don't think that they're mature enough to let go of the past. You know what I mean? It's like, of course he's dated other women. Of course, you know what I mean? It's not, yeah, but let me ask you this. If, if when I met you, if I already had a house and it was, you know, it had a little bit of the female touch to it. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It's not like you walked in and there was just a coffee table and like fucking a PlayStation, you know, popcorn in the cushions or whatever, right? I'm not saying this house looks like that, but you know, right? Yeah. No, if it looked like a, and I still had the bed that I used to bang the other one. I mean, I'll say, at least you can do dude. You can at least switch out the bed.

You know what I mean? Bed though? I think that's a little, I think that's a little much, honestly. What, a little much to still have it? Yeah, he's gonna buy it. Do you know how much beds cost? You know, have him buy a whole new bed just because he slept with somebody else. And ladies, can you see why this is my girl? You're the shit. Yeah, because I mean, how many, when you're dating somebody and you have sex with them in their house, chances are they've had sex with somebody else in their bed before you anyway. So now all of a sudden it's like a big deal because no, he needs to date some more mature girls, but he's been dating someone for two years. I don't know what he's been doing. I thought you said he, I just focus on saying the words, right?

Yeah, he says, you know what, you know what this, this house could be like the lock, the lock, the door test in a Bronx tail. Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah, like if they can't deal with them, they start giving them shit, you give them a heave-ho. Exactly. I think they should get the heave-ho. This is my house. This is where I fuck. You want in? Well, not quite so absolutely. But if anything, he could, you know, get some new sheets or something. You know what I mean? Oh, obviously. Oh, I'm gonna bed bath and be on. I'm thinking about some new sheets. You want to help me pick out some? A girl would love that. Love it. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. And at what point in the relationship should he do that? You know, because we don't like being tied down.

I don't want to send the wrong message. I don't want to say that I love you, but I want you to still bang me. Like at what point? I think when it's like official date, like monogamous type thing is when you can say, Hey, let's, you know, okay. All right. It's really, you answer the question. Don't oversell it. You answered it. I was gonna say, I think it's really annoying that these girls would be like, Oh my God, I can't believe that, you know, this is already decorated. And these are her dogs. And this is her house. And I can tell that she was there. That's stupid. Say, say how LA girls say favorite. That's my favorite. All right. All right. I think that's going to be the podcast of this week. So I guess that's your answer right there. And you know, I'm not going to always

defer those to Nia, but I just think sometimes you're really asking me what women are thinking. And I think I've done enough trashing of women and shut up. I've done enough trashing of them. And you know, that's actually a serious question here because dude, you don't want to get in a situation where I mean, you have to, I mean, literally sell the house. What if it's a bad fucking market just to appease her? That's ridiculous. But I would, you know something, Nia, I would actually say that if they were actually going to be getting married, you know, if they take it to that level and that would be a weird thing because when you do get married and you want to pick out a house, it's a house that for both of you that you want to live

in. And you know, this house is out there that I just don't get like that. You know, that gingerbread looking house that's up the fucking street. Like, you know, if I met the girl in my dreams and she lived in that house and I every day driving, I hate this fucking house. You know, all those ones that look like the castles that have like, but they're just a house so it looks stupid. You know, Rapunzel, let down your hair or just sort of hop out that window. No, I do, I respect that. But I'm saying, this is what I was saying, like, you know, come on in and live here. I get that. But then, you know, I'm sure we didn't buy a house that's big enough to have like a big family. I don't know if he does. I don't know. I'm just trying to

kind of balance it out. What the fuck am I trying to do? Nia, are you going to be designated driver because I'm going to get hammered today? No, I'm not designated driver. Why? I was designated driver last time. Last time when? Last time, last time, like fucking three weeks ago when we were in Boston and you guys all got hammered, as they say. Oh yeah. But we're going to some, we don't know these people. We can't go get hammered. I can. I'm going to, you know what my mission is? I'm going to make you look good today. I'm going to, you're going to, people are going to feel bad for you. No, I don't want that. I don't want that. We'll figure it out. Come on, then I sing you those songs that I make up, you know, when I get drunk? Yeah. Yeah. Be fun. I'll be asleep halfway,

halfway through with my mouth open looking like it's the asshole next to you on a fucking transcontinental flight. All right. That's it. Happy Memorial Day to everybody. Sorry, the Nick Swartz and things didn't work out. I'm going to try to sneak in an extra podcast this week. I'm going to figure this shit out. Okay. I promised you a movie star. God damn it. I'm going to bring you one. And that's it. Happy Memorial Day to everybody. Have a nice, safe, happy holiday. Get to where the fuck you're going to be at and just start boozing. All right. Okay. Don't be that asshole. I'm fine. I'm fine. You're not fine. All right. Two seconds. You have grass stains on your face. Okay. You're not fine. Have you been drinking today? A couple sod hanging off your

fucking left ear. All right, everybody. That's it. Have a great weekend and a happy holiday. And that's it. God bless the troops. Okay. They went to that church. They shook and lurched all over the church floor. You couldn't quite explain it. They'd always just gone there. Yeah.