Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-7-20

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

Bill rambles with Aisha Alfa about playing competitive soccer, not voting, and her new album.www.AishaAlfa.com/album

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just checking in on you. Just checking in checking in on you over zoom I you know don't have a lot of guests on this podcast if you're watching this via zoom I don't know if you can see my guests yet or if they have to talk first But we have the wonderful newly talented not next to say newly talented always talented newly discovered Aisha alpha What's going on? I got to get this all out who has a new album called all the parts I was there the night she recorded it and as of tomorrow May 8th, 2020 whenever you're watching this

You can get it at iTunes Spotify all the places that have stuff like that. So finally I don't know how many weeks into the pandemic we are finally get you on the podcast. What's going on? You know just trying to hang in there I know laugh that turns into a cry quickly a little one at home, right? Yeah, I've got a little kid He's he's ten months. So he's he's loving this. He's like, oh dad's home, too Now this is Disneyland right now for him. How are you handling it? I? You know, I was kind of gets fine. It's the same old same old It was kind of nice to

Honestly was kind of nice to have a break from going out at night because I was just so tired all the time because our kid Wasn't sleeping and I'm with him all day and then I would go out to like one in the morning But now I'm like I'm over that, you know, I'm like, okay, like let's go I want to go out. I there's a part of me that doesn't get to come out when I'm just talking to my husband all the time And talking to my kid like I need to go out and have that interaction with people. Yeah, you got to be the you got to be the mom I do that. Well, this is the thing my daughter knows like Unfortunately knows a lot of the bad words because she lives with me She'll just say dad. I don't say that or she another big thing is that is she goes don't scream like that

Alright, you're right buddy. You're right Literally, she's three years old and she's already like surpassed me She's like more like emotional cool tent or whatever. It's Says to me dad that dad that it's gonna be okay You'll be fine dad. And then I just laugh going you're right. You're right. You're right. So Well, my kid isn't talking yet. So he's so far. No bad words or anything, but he's hearing a lot of them So I'm sure that's common. Well, here's my question I've been asking all stand-up comedians when whenever this comes back and they have you know, 19 people spread out over

4,000 seats, however, they're gonna do it Can you remember your act because I don't know that I can't well I mean, I can remember everything on my album because I've been listening to it incessantly to get all the edits and all That stuff from the clips done. So I'll be able to do this in my sleep as long as it's any joke that was on my album You know, but new jokes. I mean, there's been stuff that I've been thinking about and for me I don't really write things down. I just like think about it and I go on stage and I Audio tape it so I can get a sense of if it was funny to me or not And now I've been doing these zoom shows and I feel like I'm just like ranting into the universe and you're finished

And then there's nothing and so I'm like, I don't know how this feels It's it's gonna be interesting to go back and try out new stuff and I'm like all this is this is the best thing I've ever written and then just crickets, you know, I want to be down there the first night The store opens up or something. I just want to watch all of us rusty comics Oh, it's gonna be going up there and then the crowds gonna be like this is as good as I thought Like a mini-series documentary of just like the failure failure feeling we're all gonna get when we come out of this and I think everybody Bumps down if you were headlining Yeah, well at some point people listening

Because both of us have young ones and Gotta be there for them. I was gonna do a little run of dates out here. San Diego Hopefully Bakersfield and all that and I was gonna bring yourself and hopefully Bartnick if he's around So I'm hoping that that's going to happen. Yeah So anyways, I was saying before that I was there the night at dynasty typewriter when you Tape your hour and everything and that was the first time you did an hour, right recorded one Yeah, like I had I'd previously done one a long time ago That was I mean not great, but it was like I was like, I'm moving from my hometown

I've got like, you know do something and we had this whole thing and then the audio got screwed up and the files were corrupt And it just like doesn't exist anymore. So like the one the piece that I had it was like so excited about That's why when I did this like I had I had planned to do this album in April when I was still pregnant in Toronto And then I got this booking that made they said you have to be free for the next two months You got to cancel everything TV thing. So I did I was like, this is so exciting, you know And then of course that thing fell through and I'd already canceled my album. So I was like, you got to be kidding me So when I met with all things comedy and Mike, I was like really pregnant I was like, look, I need I need to make this happen. Like I was

Yeah, and he was like I kind of laugh I'm like, you know I'm in the sense of like comedy in the world here like I'm a nobody and I like walked in there real pregnant I think he was just like scared of an angry pregnant lady. He's like sure sure sure. We'll do this We'll do this. We'll produce it whatever you need whatever you want But it worked out nicely and it was you know, it's it's awesome. So it's like the first time I've actually done a Whole sort of like real headlining Full on just like my story that I'm super proud of because the last one I think it's almost a blessing in disguise that it didn't come out because there was some good stuff

But there was some bad stuff and this is like my first thing to put out into the world But I'm like, I love it from top to bottom and it's great Well, I gotta tell you what I was blown away was you weren't even remotely nervous if you were right Oh, I was so nervous. Oh my gosh Oh, I was like I was like, do you know one of the reasons I wore that shirt in particular is because you can't tell how much I'm sweating in it because I was like like pit stains from like up here to my waist probably by the time it was like even starting No, it was funny about that is I and you didn't look nervous at all. I mean, so I invented this whole thing in my head I'm like, that's right. She played competitive soccer

She's had the game on her on the line She's dealt with all of this the two-minute offense and all that so when you get an athlete They come in there, you know former athlete or whatever That's why I thought you weren't nervous when I get nervous like that's the kind of the brilliance I think of I do need those nerves everyone's like, do you ever get nervous? I'm like, I get nervous even when I'm doing an open mic But I think for me that's like a trigger for my body like that athletic that competitive person where I'm like, okay Now go from being scared to just like go like perform as much as you can do the best and you can and then

Oftentimes when I feel the worst before a show if I'm sick or if I don't want to you know That feeling we're like I just want to be at home right now and then I get on stage Those are the most fun shows just because it's like you go from one end of the extreme to the other which is the best Yeah, I find if I'm Yeah, if I'm going through anything like that then what it comes is I don't give a shit Not nothing I don't give a shit about the crowd But like I'm not going up there with any sort of expectation of I want to kill I got a follow this guy I'm just like I don't feel like doing this tonight. I don't give a shit and then what happens is you get so relaxed

You just fall into this pocket and lock in with the crowd and after three jokes personally I'm like cheese in ear to ear like Yeah, I always know I'm having a good time when I look at pictures and I'm like in like an ugly deep gremlin Squat squat and I'm like, oh, yeah, that was a good set, you know, because I'm just like Well, I'm hoping this whole stupid thing is gonna open up because You know, I did a special I guess it came out in September But I mean I'm feeling like you know, I try to do one every couple of years or so and this year just it's just a It's kind of a loss, but I'm thinking well then maybe everybody else is gonna be that way

But I think everyone's feeling that like the kind the nice thing about this is it's literally a global pandemic So everyone's on the same playing field, I think, you know, like everyone lost their job No one's are getting to do shows if you are they're like online shows which don't this just not the same thing So if everyone else puts out an album and you don't then I'm gonna be in really interesting to see what their process was in this Whole time I was making fun of those people. You know, you say everybody's going through this stuff I was making fun of those people who do that shit where they go. This pandemic is especially hard for me Such a social person It's just like Jesus like wait, you know

Wait to take the camera lens and just put it on you. Yeah That's for sure. That's the person too who shows up at all the parties that no one wants to talk to like everyone else Is happy they're at home that one person who's like, I'm very social you're like, oh god Yeah, and then then we are going to sit there. We're all bored out of our minds We're all losing money and we got to take time out to cheer you up I'll tell you nothing. There's been bugging me is this this this overly thanking of all the doctors and nurses They're doing like the like the support the troops thing the support the troops thing I understood because troops were treated like shit after Vietnam no one ever treated doctors and nurses like shit

Maybe the doctors treated the nurses. The doctor is not a very good job to have. What are you talking about? These essential Pete, I mean those people pulling in a paycheck You know the thing that I I'm like the people we should be thanking are the grocery store clerks Who have no protection and who are going in who like allow us to be able to like get food? And there's they're still treated like shit and they're still getting their minimum wage or whatever Who's treating them like shit? I don't walk a stick my popsicles in the bag Fucking asshole Well, maybe not now

But I think before like I've been in grocery stores where people are like talking on their phones They're not paying attention the person's trying to get like hey Do you want paper or plastic or whatever it is and they're like treating them like they're their servants? You know what I mean? And I think now that's switched where it's like when you have a plumber come in your pipes leaking All of a sudden the plumber is god. You're like, oh, whatever you want, you know, that's the grocery store clerk I don't know. I would look at it like motivation to not be bagging groceries Because I had jobs like that and getting treated like that dishwasher and uh restaurants and Well, no, they're the only ones with the dog

They're gonna be blinging after this with their sure it's only minimum wage, but they're like hey come on ladies Mama's got a job, you know That's what I mean. It's just like I what I hate is people how people like the new thing now is to fall all over yourself thanking people Like ever since like 9 11 then it became the uh, what what the first responders the support the troops now that now they got the Doctors in there and then they're gonna have the people that bag groceries eventually that that's going to be the end of society Is we're so going to be like busy thanking everyone around us so we don't get in trouble

Someone won't check a nuclear reactor or something. I don't know no one's thinking that guy. Are you into conspiracy theory at all? I kind of got out of it and all of my friends are sending me This shit that it was created in a lab China did it on purpose. This is to take trump down. This is to screw the democrats This is because the earth is flat I would stay away. I mean that people those people I think are crazy, but um, the whole like this is a conspiracy created in a lab There's a lot of like You know bad things that are created in labs, but if this if the thing is like it's created a lot to take down trump

This is the worst plan Anyone's ever come up with because it's just taking down everybody Like why why wouldn't you just create something that like he's like trump was exposed to it and didn't get it So it's like it's really an unsuccessful conspiracy theory if that's the case He's too mean to get sick Oh man, he trump is meaner than the virus And I'm I try to try to remain A political and I just go like crazy, you know my own theories

But um, I got to admit once Once he said to shoot household cleaners into your body. I was like, all right, this guy, uh This guy's got it. Can I tell you a story? So I was like that's ridiculous and then I thought so my mom is the she's retired now But she was a microbiologist by trade and so she dealt with like all this kind of stuff You know when it was coming up she would be in the lab trying to like tinker and figure things out And also so this is a woman who has her phd in this and also as a child

She used to put bleach on our tongue when we had a canker sore Because she's like it kills the thing and I was like Like this is kind of this is what's giving me perspective about like people who are working The front lines and advice perhaps trump is getting I'm like if my mom was involved She may have been like yeah drink the cleaners You know, it's just crazy to me. Well, it sounds like it's it's all about moderation Just a few sense of bleach. Yeah, they're not saying to like, you know have a nice little tumbler of it It's just kind of rubbing on army of gums like they all they doing those movies about cocaine

Yeah Yeah, it's uh but You know, I wouldn't take his advice medically even if he you know, if you weren't the president I wouldn't that's not someone I'd go to for medical advice on how to stay healthy and how to like, you know So why would I take it now? I'm gonna wait for someone in the lab. I feel like you just watch his espn all day and then Jesus christ

It's like the loudest phone ever hang on a second It's the weirdest thing ever like The only people who ever call my home phone are just delivery people Or I would imagine some sort of bad news. It happens every once in a while. So sorry about that. Anyways, will you talk about that the whole trump thing? Yeah, yeah, I just feel like he just like watches espn all day and then just at the last second Be like, all right, you're on now. He's just all right. How long do I have to talk for? When do I get the light? Yeah, he just goes up and he just starts at this that This thing again this thing repeated but said a little more firmer

Um, he's sort of blowing it off I don't know. This is what I this is what I got This thing has to end because I'm gonna end up being this guy that gets into fucking politics and shit And I don't want it. It's it's funny. Not even that I'm commenting on politics and I haven't watched any of it Well, I mean, that's the thing is we all have an opinion even though I live with like my husband's very reads the news You know, he needs to know stuff for his job and stuff like that and he knows a lot about politics and things And I'm just like I'll hear one headline. I'm like, well, I've got an opinion on this and I'm gonna talk about it

Like yeah, it's just yeah, I mean also I can't vote. So I feel even more disempowered Um, because I'm not a citizen yet. I have to I thought once you get married you become a citizen You have to wait like three years, but because I got my green card two years before we got married If like just on my own, I think I have to wait. I can apply for next year or something But I uh, I can't I can't vote in Canada or in America right now. I'm just like a nobody right now Why do they view you like you left them already? Yeah, I think if you're non-resident Which I declared so I could do my taxes here instead of there then uh, you're out of luck after a while Hey next election, you know, all those idiots walk around that stupid sticker. I voted

You know like they're potty trained or something like that. You should get one I can't vote with a little sad face on it I the best is I love it because right now when people try to campaign to me and they stop you on the street I'm like, I can't vote and they're like, oh, but I can help you register I'm like, not a citizen and it's like I've just breathed fire water on them. They're like, okay, never mind I don't want to talk. You know, I'm gonna use that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think people know when you're a citizen If you can vote not gonna lie. No, I'll just say I can't vote. I got a felony This is then the next headline bill burr's got a felony. What could it be and then it would be great

Oh, it's the refrigerator guy. I got I got to go downstairs here for a second This is the best Let me talk to him. Let me talk to him. Huh? Hang on a second It's just there's no respect for a zoom podcast whatsoever We're getting a nice little tour All right Well, I like this. This is grainy your footage. I feel like I I'm more castable is uh something else

How much Huh, did you just move locations like this repair guy came in your like walk on our our tiny flight of stairs We have a we have Stairs in our house. This house was initially just a ranch And what happened was and then there was a room downstairs and people got sick of having to go outside to go down to it Because the house is like a hundred years old So somebody just blew out a closet and just stuck stairs going down them I can't believe I never noticed it when I bought the fucking house. So

So you basically can't get anything down the stairs other than a person Oh Have to go around Oh, it's kind of house and all that whatever Whatever, it's my house. Hey, um, when do you think this thing's gonna be fucking over? I want to go out on the road. I've had it. My wife has had it with me I've had it with me. I just want to get back out there. Everything's starting to back up. Is there just overhead lighting? It's great. All right now i'm winded. All right, and by the magic of editing now i'm upstairs because of the fucking

Back upstairs again Um, anyways, when do you think this thing's over? I mean, I don't know. I think that they're going to start letting people do it like go and do things again They're starting to reopen things mostly just because otherwise People are going to go crazy. I think that's the truth of it. They're not going to be able to contain people So I say like in another month everything will be starting to open back up. Which is scary I don't think that's the right time

You can't have like 60 of the population become homeless because less than 1% are sick so I think what they they do is they should just get a bunch of masks and shit out to everybody specifically older people people with asthma people with weight issues That's that thing weight issues Yeah, I think the worst health you're in You know, hey, i'm not a doctor, but I still want to get thanked. I'm going to throw some medical information out here I don't get why they can't just get everybody fucking tested. I don't understand why that is so difficult

You got a ton of fucking money for these never-ending wars. You got plenty of money to bail out these banker cunts and all that But you can't just get us fucking tested find out who has the cooties and who doesn't It's so nuts. There's one of the there's like a non-emergency clinic that undermine healthcare I'm allowed to go do and they keep sending these messages being like we've got tests and I don't know if they're like Black market like not allowed. This is before like hospitals had them and they were like you need to test Let us know we're part of your network and I was like, what's gonna happen? He's like and then now they're like they have the antibody tests Like they're just like setting these covert messages all the time and I'm really wondering

Like where they're getting them from but yeah, I don't like I don't like that vibe coming from somebody in the medical field You know what I mean like out of the back of a van Yeah, the stolen stereo. Yeah, like back in the day Hey, can I look Tell me about the whole your your whole soccer background you played professionally, right? Yeah, I mean I played in university And then I went into the world university games, which is like the olympics for students

Which is cool. That was like probably the for me one of the coolest experience And then I played in the w league which doesn't exist anymore slow down slow down. So what happened? So you got the university championships. How many yeah, so we okay So I played university I played for all my eligibility and I did five years and we went to nationals three times one once and came Got silver twice. So we were like a very successful team university spellbird. Uh go pandas Did you score any uh any goals? Come on, of course I did. I mean come on. Let's talk about it. You did of course. I was a striker

I was ultra competitive um In our national chat No, I scored once in the but the game winner We won two one and the game winner was uh, Cheryl Cormack another uh Another striker on our team, but I scored the first I think I scored the first one She scored second one, but it was like we that year when we won we were undefeated We had no losses only ties and wins and then we went and won nationals and it was like

The break before we we had the final game I remember being so emotional and people are like, are you okay? Are you nervous? I was like, no I know we're gonna win and I don't know what to do with this energy Like I'm like, I'm so certain I was just like that level of confidence of like we were prepared We were the best team. I knew it and I was like on top of my game and I was like, let's just get this over with Like let's get through the 90 minutes because I want to like hold the banner And like go out and party because I'm just so excited about it. And then we want, you know I was cocky too. I gave I gave

Like I talked to the press and I remember saying things like yeah, we're gonna win. So, uh, Let's wrap it up. Like I was just so I was the one you were given the other team bulletin board material And they still didn't beat you like legit my my last year We had a shitty year But we still got to go to nationals and then we came in second and I gave a prayer I talked to the press and I said we're gonna drink happily either way Meaning if we win or lose we're proud of our you know, but what they wrote is we're gonna drink happily And that was posted in the newspaper and they legitimately one of my girlfriends who played on the team we played against told me

They brought that into their pregame talk I was like a target on my face being like let's do this. It was great But I mean like I don't care. I was like the best, you know, did they try any cheap shit during the game? No, I was too Wily like I was I was the one who I'm like, oh punch me. Sure. I'm just gonna smile and I was too wily I've never heard that described in sports. No one he became a writer and a comedian I would love to hear you talking shit out on the pitch. Do you understand half the things you were saying? Uh, I would my coach once told me she's like aisha

You need to stop smiling so much when you're playing because you seem like a little shit Disturber and people are gonna come after you because I would score and I'd be like ha ha like just and like a little You know too cocky for my own good, but I delivered so It was it was maybe that's what happened to isaia thomas if you've been watching this Jordan I've been watching it. I've just heard people commenting on it because I'm like that was That whole year was my final year of high school and we all watched that at our graduation party So I want to see this documentary of yeah Not to ruin it whatever there was a whole thing with him being left off the uh, the dream team

And it still bothers him and all that but like all I remember About him other than he was a great player was he was always smiling So he was like he had a great smile and he seemed like uh, he had it's funny. He had like this Little kid vibe while being a killer out there Yeah, and I don't know what he did, but he like somehow pissed everybody off. It seems That was kind of me a little bit maybe not to that extent but Because like I think they're the the teams we played against we were vicious Like we used to like there were some real elbows on purpose and stuff

But as soon as the game was done, we were all cool like we would be Friends we'd go up for beer and all that kind of stuff So I never had that long term effect of not making a team because people hated you or something like that What's the dirtiest thing you ever did to somebody? um, I used to When I was running like side by side and I was very fast back then But you know, you'd be standing next to someone trying not to get off side

And they would often try and grab at your jersey So I would stand next to them and hold their hand and then they would kind of looking like what the heck's going on As soon as the ball went I would just lean down on their hand which makes them fall like this And then I would take off But I was always like I felt justified in it because they were grabbing at my jersey and doing all this stuff Mine was just like sneaky in a different way at a different time But I would be smiling the whole time and like, you know It was great

I well, I don't know that I I kind of like Fine, I always read sports books because I'm not the brightest guy So I I was just reading one on the Steelers and they were talking about how one of the wives of the offensive linemen like Made their jerseys a couple size smaller and then put double sided tape Under their jerseys and their pads. Yeah, there's all kinds of like that's what I always it's always strikes me Is funny when people talk about the integrity of the game And all of that I remember one time sports illustrated did this whole article on um The biggest cheats in the nba. Oh, they had one of the guys who was admitted a big cheat in the nba

And he just went on anonymously And he said okay, so one thing you try to do is you get yourself between The ref and your opponent who has the ball And you act like you're reaching out to block the ball and you actually you punch him in the balls And the guy goes the writer was like you punch him in the balls. He goes. Yeah, he goes. I learned that one from Jordan So I think everybody I think while the game is going on People do shit

And if they and they just look at it like well it's the ref's job to catch me if I get away with it I get away with it. I 100% believe that that's not my job. Like here's the thing I'm not gonna cheat like you know women. We don't have balls to punch But I did play with guys I played in the men in a men's league overseas and like You know I wasn't punching anyone in the balls or anything like that But I'm gonna do everything I can to get the best advantage and if it's against the rules Then someone should call me on it and if they don't Then I might keep doing it until you know, you played in a you played in a co-ed league after that

No, so I played so I went played for university Then I played in the w league, which was like the professional women's league of north america Played in there two seasons and then I went overseas to korea And played in a not a co-ed league. It was just I was you played you played at a pro level in the united states Well, I was in canada In canada playing in the ottawa team, but we used to play at the northeastern quarter of the of america And then we went to the final four Both seasons that I was slaying

Um Wow, that's amazing Yeah, it's kind of funny like it's a part of my life that I kind of forget because I don't play soccer or watch soccer now But I kind of forget that that's a thing that's interesting to people You know when you've done something you're like, yeah, it's just the thing I did But then when someone hears about it, it's already interesting But then because you're so good at this new thing you just thought like oh, she was the class clown and she was Socially awkward but but you start filling in all the like like I did. Oh, she's an athlete

So she she's not nervous at the big moment. And then you're like, no, I was completely, you know Yes, what my my my whatever you call your whatever's off. Whatever women say. Yeah All right, yeah, so I I just assume that like I don't know I just always just like assume that a lot of comics had that sort of loner outcast Not fitting in thing You know, and I love Joe Rogan's story where it's like no, I was I was a national champion taekwondo Yeah, you can tell that I became a comedian. Yeah

But I think that there's something about like for me I feel a little bit of like this imposter syndrome in a way sometimes because so many people Who I talked to in comedy were like I've always wanted to be a comedian. I'm a comedian nerd I know all the comedians every special every word and like I just didn't grow up watching comedy Like my family wasn't into that my dad my parents weren't into that So I didn't I'd never gone to see comedy until I started doing comedy You know what I mean, which is how did you end up doing it? I started off. So I was doing like

speaking stuff and then I got into acting and then they were like Um, there's this opportunity to try stand up and I was like, oh, let me get outside my comfort zone Let me just try this thing that's so scary to me and just get it off The list of things that are scary and do it one time and then I can feel I don't know more motivated to try new things, you know, and then I did it And it was fun. Like I had a great time. I love Being the center of attention for however long is possible And then someone offered me another show when I came off and I was like cool

Let me come back next week and do that and then it was like a couple You know shows and I did a couple shows in that first couple months and someone's like, oh, you're the one who does stand up comedy And I was like Am I and then all of a sudden I was getting more shows and doing stuff This is in Winnipeg where you know, there's at the time there were maybe three shows in a week if you were lucky Um, but what is the scene like there? Was there a major chain comedy club like a yuck yuck or anything rumors rumors comedy? Rumors, okay, which is actually a really great club. I think a lot of people like the actual club. It's always full Uh, they have shows. I think like Tuesday to Friday and it's always always full

Um, but it's like two or three times to do stand up and I had such a great time to Winnipeg or to rumors Uh, Winnipeg. I never played rumors I played a uh, a small theater up there. Um, Burton Cummings theater I don't know. It was like a really old place. I played a couple like the um, I think it's some more theater in Seattle's the same way where they haven't changed it and it's like well over a hundred years old So they had segregation and everything back then. Oh, yeah upper deck Is like the old like a separate set of stairs To get all the way up there. Which stairs did you use Bill? Which stairs did you use?

Oh, I used the white privilege ones right into the back and I got my throat coat tea But the joke I was doing was that's why uh That's why black people dominated white people in sports climbing all those extra stairs And we and that's why we have flat asses. We just had to be just walked right into the uh, No climbing muscles. Yeah, no no climbing muscles just came walking in and sat down Um, and enjoyed ourselves. Uh, yeah, there was a there's a couple that I've played One in way good peg was like that and then the one in Seattle is like that and like I wanted to see that way upper deck like wow, let me see this see a party history. Let's see these stairs

It was no fucking joke. I mean, this is just flight after flight. Yeah, I can't imagine too Like how weird the energy of that crowd would be even though it was considered This is the way it is Like you're coming out And it's a whole upper deck is black and the whole bottom would be white is It's hilarious. It's like remember that with that mcdl t sandwich where they had the hot side hot and the cold side cold Put it separately. You're trying to stick them together. It just seemed like you would like There's something about a crowd where you got to get everybody on board

I'm I wonder if uh, if entertainers would come backstage. Yeah, how were they? Yeah, I didn't like the upper deck You know not a lower deck. They're a little snobby tonight upper deck is fun the lower deck. I don't know I feel like that's like a sketch for some you know what I mean like uh Going back in the day and someone's like killed it on that upper deck. Oh, that's lower. Yeah That's good. Yeah, or you have a comedy team and the white act brings the black act out on his shoulder He's performing to the upper deck and you're doing the lower then you're doing the same joke and your own vernacular Oh my god, it's like so I walk into this place. It's like it's in the top guys like so I go around back to where I'm allowed into this place and Uh

That's hilarious That's so funny Who would have ever thought I would miss the road is the for I gotta make it lighty the first two weeks of this pandemic three weeks I didn't I did not miss stand up at all. I'm like, oh my oh boo. I don't have to go to fucking lax again I know I'll take a month off But I kind of assumed that everybody was just going to stay inside for two weeks Exactly And now what is it like a month and a half two months? I don't even know. I don't know what time is anymore

But like Yeah, everyone I think assumed it was just going to be this quick little break We're all going to get a like a it was like a spot treatment. We'd all get more sleep We'd be drinking less and then you know, we'd be well, you're not you're not drinking anymore. Are you? What's the deal? No You're not you say that like you're so disappointed in yourself But I feel like I will say this so I quit cigars too because I because those things went out of control but um

On monday Tuesday monday night. I had my first cigar in like two months. Yeah, and I went in and I was just like just buy one So I bought and of course I went in and I immediately bought two i'm like doing it again And then this is so weird. I drink uh, I drink the the mexican Fanta that has the real sugar. Okay. I drink one of those because it's the sweet with the smoke, you know The drink like a smoky. Oh, I think I saw you doing that on your bill, uh, bill burt Is that what you were at a fanta that I was like fanta interesting. Okay. Yeah It's really probably white trash, but anyway, well it reminds me of nigeria and nigeria fanta is like the thing

All my family drinks fanta. So i'm like, is he part nigerian? No, okay, so it might be it's a night It's a nigerian thing and it's a it's a anybody who was alive in the 70s When I first remember fanta first came out and sun kissed orange soda when that first came out And I remember I remember this guy in the paper two a few years later going sun, you know He had just like, you know a bunch of rambling thoughts was his was his column that day and one of the things that he wrote was Uh, sun kiss doesn't taste as good as it used to And that was the first thing I ever read in a newspaper that wasn't on a sports page as a little person

It's just like I know what this means. I know what this guy's talking about. I didn't know that that it meant it was like fake Soda so anyways, so I bought two cigars two sodas and that was monday and um I was just so I kind of understand how my body works. It's just like if I don't fuck with it for four days I don't give a shit. So today's thursday So I got like one more day of this shit and then that that cigar will stay there. I'm thinking july fourth weekend I'll smoke one for merca

One for my that's also my kid's birthday. So I'm hoping we can at least be out doing something else by then Your son's birthday is july fourth the fifth. He I wanted to labor on the fourth and then he was born in between in between the two earthquakes Maybe there was one on the fourth. I was back. Uh, I was I was back east at an acting gig. Yeah, you're in new york something, right? Yeah. Yeah, but yeah for the whole frigging summer so um, anyway, let me let me Hype the album again. Okay. So it's called all the parts and as of tomorrow may 8th 2020 But whenever you watch this it's on itunes spotify all the places where you get it. You're absolutely killed I'm dying to get out on the road

and uh Do some stuff and and I already promised you that I was going to bring you out on a couple of these So we both got little kids. So yeah, you know, hopefully people will stay inside So that we can get on the road Everyone stay inside so that we can go on the road And then you can come out and go see us do it do it for us Yeah, so what is it the the doctors stay home so they can go out stay home so that we can go on the road That's what I want. Thank us

I'm up for that outside like bang the pots and pans. All right. If you want a good laugh you want to listen to me read out loud I have to do a uh I gotta do a fucking a read here. What the hell is it? Okay All right frame bridge everyone If you've been listening to this show, you've heard me talk about frame bridge by now You know that they make it super easy and affordable to frame your favorite things without ever leaving the house I have I've actually used these people. I have my old dog cliodeo. I got a nice frame picture of her

Sitting up in my office. I still consider my dog even though She's not with me anymore. Anyway from but they did a great job From art prints and diplomas to the family photos sitting on your iphone You you can frame bridge just about anything. Here's a reminder how it works Just go to framebridge.com and upload your photo or they'll send you a package to safely Safely mail in your physical pieces. I guess that's for nudes. You don't want to you don't want to upload that Preview your item online in dozen of frame styles. Choose your favorite or get free recommendations from their talented designers The experts at frame bridge will custom frame your item and deliver your finished piece directly to your door

Ready to hang instead of hundreds you pay at framing store their prices start at $39 and all shipping is free Plus my listeners will get 15 off their first order at frame bridge.com when they use my code burr burr Get started today frame your photos or send someone the perfect gift Go to frame bridge.com and use the promo code burr burr to save an additional 15 off your first order Just go to frame bridge.com promo code burr once again frame bridge.com promo code burr Warm things up this spring with a trip to cerilas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties

Described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cerilas along with all ns novelties Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite diplomas size Shop cerilas in indianapolis with six area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at cerilas.com All right, there we go. So that is the uh The just checking in your thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast cast uh icers so great to finally have you on here Thanks for having me on so i know i'm so good to see you I know we were supposed to get the kids together for the first time ever Months ago it almost will do it. It'll happen. It'll happen talking by then it'll be great

Okay, cool. Well, I hope uh to be out on the road with you soon working on our new hours And I hope everybody stays at home and this whole thing fucking blows out to see all right so once again if you want to see uh icers new album go to itunes and uh spotify And it's called all the parts isha. Thank you so much Thanks for having me on coming on here and uh, I hope to see you face to face in a packed comedy club soon Okay, all right. We'll see you. Bye. Bye Hey What's going on, it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast

for monday may seventh 2012 2012 baby What's going on? Do you guys have a why am I yelling? Why am I yelling? You know why because I got a good night's sleep and I just had some waffles So I got that fucking sugar rush

Yeah, I made oh just slam my computer gives a fuck. I can't figure out how to work it anyways um I had um I had some waffles for breakfast now. Why did you just shut off your cunt? Oh, I see just sort of Jesus bill everything that technology does is not an attack on you. Why don't you just relax? Hang on guys. I just need to talk to myself for a second. All right, just fucking just Sit and think figure out what happened

Stop taking the bait. All right. I'm back. Um Yeah, some fucking waffles. I actually made them yesterday. I'm gonna take you guys through my boring day This sounds like the beginning of a bruce springsteen song doesn't it? I made some waffles It was overcast while I was gonna make him son of son up Oh my god, how does he turn it around the breakfast limericks from that guy? You know what? It's one of my goals to see him live in concert because I've been making fun of him forever and half of my friends Have been making fun of them and then they go see him in concert and they're like, dude, you got to go see that guy in concert

You know with his class three underbite um He's got he's got uh, he's got one of those I don't know if he was a dog. He'd be one of those dogs with the mushed in faces. You know, he's got one of those boxer Um the same dentition of like a boxer or like a pug um What the fuck didn't get didn't pugs not breathe or something I know they have the mushed in face

But like I always hear bulldogs have the worst time trying to breathe But like pugs have the most look of panic On their face like when bulldogs can't breathe. They just said, oh, yeah, I'm just gonna fucking lay down here They just seem like a tub of shit dog Where like pugs like genuinely seem concerned about something The way their eyes bug out or do they have like that high metabolism? You know when you have something wrong with your thyroid. Is that the right word? Huh, do I have any doctors that listen to this?

Anyways, I made waffles yesterday And the lovely nea is killing it. You know, she's working out. She's on this. Um, I'm gonna be uh Fucking even hotter chick diet, right? So she can't eat anything. All right, and you know the ladies Okay, they got all that fucking hormonal shit going on every goddamn month, you know stuff fucking I don't know what there's always something going on with them You know, they're basically it's like living with an addict when you live with the woman, you know They always got he's got some shit coming up man. They always that same bullshit So now you compound it with the fact now she's on some special diet

So she's basically detoxing from whatever fucking, you know, how people eat You know we eat right you get the sugar salt rush you eat till you're totally stuffed You mentally think that's what eating is so then when you actually eat the way you're supposed to and your body isn't like freaking out like Yeah, man Fucking Fritos, right? It's actually just chilling with some fucking broccoli and some protein. You're not used to that You know, you're used to going to some high energy shit. So Anyways, I'm sitting there making the waffles, right? And you know one of those deals when your chick goes on a fucking diet All of a sudden you have to be on the diet too

You know, you're eating waffles Are you just doing that's a torture me? No, I'm doing it because I like fucking waffles. I felt like having some waffles Oh My god, I have to sit here. I've eaten wonton soup for breakfast That ain't my fault You know, I'm not on a diet and then they do all that shit where they always try to make it seem It's easy to be a guy guys can lose weight. So it's easier. It's so much harder for a woman to Wait, you fucking outlive us

Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough? I'm gonna die before you do Okay What is your problem with the soup? Jesus fucking christ Jesus christ so Anyways, that's what i'm fucking dealing with And I actually had a major victory

Just one of those silent victories that you have in your relationship, you know, those are the best ones to have You don't say anything and you see it in their face and you see that they realize it And then you see them wondering if you realize it and you kind of look back at them like I do realize it But I'm not going to say it because then you'll be able to if I say it out loud You'll somehow fucking do some sort of two-point reversal and bring up some other shit and then I'll lose You know I'll just fucking shoot that look right back at you. Like that's right woman. I won this one Okay, you're gonna have to wait for another fight because this one is over

It's fucking Michael Corleone. He says in the godfather 2 um I gotta I gotta steal that at some point. I want to be in an argument with nea I can't be a real one because she'll get mad. I'm just gonna do it over something stupid Like she wants to go see this cabin in the woods fucking movie. Whatever the hell it is. It's supposed to be a perfect movie What does that mean the guy gives into the woman? Oh, Jesus. Am I in a fucking mood? Can I blame it on the syrup here people? It was the syrup out in jersey. I can't say out in jersey. That's anthony's impression of him

I owe him fucking 50 cents right there some residuals um Anthony cumia everybody from the opian anthony program with little jimmy norton um on xm satellite radio a little promo The fuck was I just talking about god damn it Blamed it on the syrup. Ah shit that thought's gone. Oh, I know I had this minor victory I had this minor victory right

I'm on the road on the road again, right doing my dick jokes on the road again I don't give a fuck about you or your friend buy my dvd and get the fuck out of my face um I should have fucking waffles, you know what this little podcast it's gonna die in like fucking 12 minutes in I'm just gonna sugar crash I'm gonna be laying on the rug like that fucking dude in train spotting but instead of like falling into it I'm just gonna nod off like a fucking Like a goddamn dog with a mushed in face. Oh, we brought it around. What's the deal? Um

So anyways, no, here was the victory I had So I was on the road doing my jokes. I come back to town All right, and uh and as always somehow When I was away something got broken and nobody knows has any fucking idea. It's like my car I don't know what happens when I take it out. Nobody ever really hits it somehow When neah takes it out somebody always hits it And then I go out and she doesn't say shit

I go out to use the car and I see some side swipe down the fucking side of the car And I just go I come in I go Yeah, somebody hit the car and then she's always like what? When did that happen? How many times can I fall for that? You Do people just not like you when you drive the car? That what am I talking about somebody tagged it a fucking month ago when I went over chris porters Somebody fucking tagged my car

Um But anyway, so I come back and once again something's broken Um the blender the blender was busted You know the engine worked, but the little fucking teeth things were broken. So she's just like we need a new blender I can't make my skinny girl margaritas anymore because the teeth don't work So let's throw the but the fucking motor works. So I go little one. We just get it fixed and she's like Because she knows what that means. Why don't we get it fixed that means it's gonna sit there for three years before I finally bring it over to a repair shop. All right

But not not now that old new fix it billy I said, you know what I'm gonna figure out how to fucking fix that goddamn thing All I did, you know what it was all I just wanted all you have to do is just look up the the fucking You get the I know this is basic to some people But for a lot of morons and there's a lot that listen to this podcast by the way Um, no offense none taken Um, all you do is just whatever the brand and then the serial number you go on the internet and you can you just buy the part So I buy the fucking part things shows up. I do all this shit without talking in here, right?

and I fucking I go to take this thing apart turn it upside down I'm fucking pulling trying to pull the motor on it won't come out because that thing on the top and I'm like What the fuck and then it's going YouTube And I found a video of a guy doing fixing the exact problem. I had I didn't need to unscrew the bottom all I need to do is just Fucking get a screwdriver and take the thing off the top which how it doesn't strip the top I have no fucking idea. We don't care bill get to the point. All right long story short. I get this fucking thing on It works. So what do I do?

Do I get in her face and say yeah woman? I fucking fix that shit I don't I don't I fix it make sure it runs. I try it out and then I just stick it in the cupboard You know And a couple days later. I go. Hey, you know what I think I'd like a milkshake Well, how are you gonna do that the blender doesn't work. Oh, I fixed it You fixed it. Oh, it was no big deal Took it apart. I got a fucking fix to myself. There you go woman

All right with you whole we need to fucking go buy another one You know, I realized that wasn't really a major victory Even though like when you just in your head you're like, yeah, I fucking dominated Then I just said that out loud. That was really no big deal It's a seven. This is how much I wanted to fix it It was a seven dollar part and I had it overnighted for like fucking 16 bucks So, you know, and I didn't even want a milkshake. I just wanted to show that I did something I don't know why why because I'm a weak person and I need other people's approval there

Does that make you happy? Does that make you feel does that make you smile in your fucking cubicle? Huh, is that what you're doing? When you're in a cubicle and you're smiling I if I was your boss I would immediately think that you're somehow stealing from the company because there's no reason to smile on a computer In a cubicle in a computer In a cubicle. There's no fucking reason all right Unless you somehow figured out a way to be happy

You know, it's some sort of one of those zen douchebags Why they a douchebag built because they're happy You know, what happened to you? All right, what the fuck am I going to talk about? I was going to do. Oh, I know what we have to talk about everybody This is very special. Guess what it is this sunday. It's mother's day Mother's day your mom The one that that uh did most of the heavy lifting as far as uh Bringing you into the world your dad was like the steve jobs, you know. Yay. I want this to happen

Get on it scientists, right? So he had a partner too, you know, although they never bring that up on the view. Do they um Believe it or not. This is advertising. All right. Let's get on with this. Uh pro flowers everybody mother's day. It's coming up All right, it's monday. It's sunday. You know what that means? It means it's only six days away So what does that mean? That means you go down to the drugstore all the good cards are gone at this point They're all picked over all the envelopes are laying on the ground and the only cards that are left are either they either just You know, it's like a fart joke or they're like oddly incestuous, you know, there's no good cards left once again You screwed up. All right. So what do you got to do?

The ladies they like the flowers. All right. So here's the copy Uh guys, don't mess up on mother's day. If you will like me, you probably put it through the ringer as a kid dui Now show her that you love her and send her flowers from pro flowers It's a great way of making up to mom is by sending her flowers from pro flowers everybody. Come on, man You got to do it. You got to do it. I'm going to do it Don't you want to be like me? Um, this is the deal you get a dozen rainbow roses for mom plus a free glass vase for only

1999 an incredible piece and they are guaranteed to last seven days. All right, bang bang boom This is you know, what's great about pro flowers is you get to handle This you get to feel like what it's like to be a rich guy You know what I mean? You know rich people are always working on their business and they don't have time They don't have time to go out and buy gifts. So they just send some assisted out. Well, whose birthday is it? I did go get him a Maserati and you see i'm busy in here You can do the same thing For a much cheaper price for 1999. You can handle your mom like a rich guy running a business

What's it? My mother she brought me into the world. You go out there. Let me tell you something you go out there for 1999 you get her some rainbow roses in a vase I'm going to get back to my job here. All right. This is what you got to do go to pro flowers dot com You click on the mic and you type in the code It's my last name for all the slow people out there And uh for my radio listeners, you can get another dozen roses plus chocolates For just ten dollars more. That's 40 off So there you go

flowers and chocolates Okay, and then you don't have to go pick them up. They're going to deliver them right to a door All right. All you got to do is just type in burr Click on the mic on the top of code top. What click on the mic and type in the code burr I can't read. All right. Here we go. Either call 1 800 pro flowers That's it. You can do it over the phone Go light up a giant cigar and act like you're running a corporation here call wait 1 800 pro flowers Or even better visit pro flowers dot com click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in burr burr

That's pro flowers dot com And uh, that's it open now for mother's day Oh order now for mother's day before the deal is gone. All right Before the deal is gone Um, and then all you gotta do is and then you that stuff shows up and then you take out to breakfast You give her a big hug you apologize for your dui You know tell her she's the best And that's it. You got another year of unconditional love

Thanks to the wonderful people at pro flowers dot com. I challenge you to find a better read um, all right Moving on here Moving on. What the hell am I going to talk about? Oh, you know, I went I went to a bar last night Oh yesterday afternoon because the games come on early because um I finally accepted the fact emotionally that my boston bruins Have been knocked out of these Stanley Cup playoffs and uh

I've actually you guys know my hatred of NBA basketball, you know, I don't hate it. I don't hate it I just that final three minutes It drives me nuts with all the timeouts and I know I brought it up before Any what's even worse is when they call the timeouts I noticed yesterday because I watched the game is then they start reading copy You know Like anything they can do to just bring the drama all the way back down to zero. It's like tied fucking 98 98 Oh, they got they got 28 files to give and then they follow and so-and-so calls the timeout and then next thing

You know, they're sitting there reading, you know Like what I just did broflowers.com Guess your mother's some fucking, you know, that's stupid. I don't know. So anyways I've accepted the fact that the Bruins are out of the playoffs and I'm all right. Well the bees are out, dude Why don't we go watch the fucking seas kid? You know what I'm saying? So Celtics would play in the Atlanta Hawks Who used to be the st. Louis Hawks and we beat them in 1958? I believe for their NBA title

That's right st. Louis We owned your ass in a sport. You don't even know about it anymore um Back when Eisenhower was in office. Um, so I watched that game and it was just a phenomenal playoff game as far as like being a fan Because the it was over before it even started You know, it was over And there was never a concern. They were up by 30 points and I sat there drinking beer and eating wings becoming fucking

Old fat boy Billy again Billy fat again. That's my Irish name So, um So i'm sitting there, right? I'm with the buddy of mine right watching the game. We're having a great time We're right like the fourth quarter Uh, these four girls four or five girls come in and it's a dive bar. You know I like the dive bars. You can get to a place to sit you know It's just one of those deals somebody has one of those fucking

What's nick nolte's character in 48 hours? You know, there was there's always one of those cars parked out front some fucking piece of shit rag top with some sad dog in the back seat, right? I like those bars, you know the barfly car, right? So I walk in there. We're watching the game and like fucking with like, I don't know Five minutes to go in the game. So what's that like two hours NBA time? These like five six chicks come in and they're just like They're just train wrecks all of them wearing pants where you can just see their clams

You know ridiculously tight pants and other girls got these cut-offs with this her hat turned sideways Looking like she's in some fucking Fresh prince video in the late 80s. It's just they were just absolute messes And they start putting money into the jukebox And they just start singing a lot they started sing along to uh video killed the radio star Right, and then they just start You know, and then there's all these fucking old guys barfly fucking jackoffs like my age and a little bit older Like way too fucking old for these chicks, right and these girls are being like really fucking loud

And they're fucking dancing with each other and they're grabbing each other's asses doing all this shit And you see these guys up at the bar. They're like Oh They start like reacting to this sex fucking energy That they're putting out there. So two of the girls stand up. They start that's what a god, dude It was like the fucking accused Like times five was going down the whole vibe was fucking ridiculous So the two girls stand up they start like dancing grinding up against each other and then one of the guys eventually

Like some big fucking sex star bear starts walking over and starts pawing at the girl And then the girl's like hey knock it off get the fuck out of here, right? And my buddy classic looks at me and goes she facilitated that entire fucking thing and it's like exactly Fuck it was uh, I don't know if they were strippers. I don't know what their fucking deal was but um It was just one that thing that I've always said we you gotta have Responsibility for your own fucking safety Obviously that guy shouldn't just feel that he should be able to walk over and start pawing at some girl

But you know when you're sitting there with your clam fucking outlined on the front of your fucking jeans And you're grinding up against her your friend and you're pulling her jacket off and she's going stop it stop it And you keep pulling it off. I mean what the fuck do you think's gonna happen? You know I fuck you know there's nothing worse Then when people act like the world is a perfect place and then they act shocked when something bad happens It isn't okay There's the way you wish the world was and the way it is so fucking act accordingly

You don't go in there with your fucking hu ha hanging out and start grinding up on your friend in front of fucking five drunk guys Who women haven't done a double take at since the fucking I don't know Fernando Valenzuela struck out the side, okay I'm saying they're old people It was just it was a really fucking uncomfortable vibe and I literally looked at my friend I go look We don't get out of here in three minutes. We're going to be testifying in about fucking Six weeks for whatever bullshit's about ready to go down. And you know what kills me is

No one at the bar stopped them from doing what they were doing You know, I was trying to think what the fucking male version of what they were doing Would be I guess it would be like acting aggressive and almost causing like a fight vibe All right, but you know, then you get tossed out but women could can create the accused vibe And uh, I don't know. I'm probably gonna get shit for this, but like, you know, I'm not advocating what that guy did that But that guy did was fucking wrong, but Jesus fucking Christ What did your dad do? Did he buy like Fisher price how to be a whore? Did they make like a remember those little fucking stereos they made? Did they make like a fucking

The whore version of that, I don't know. I'm at that age people I'm at that age Where I look at women like that and I don't go like, well, there's an easy mark. I now look at them going like, ah, Jesus Christ What the fuck was your dad? What didn't he do? What didn't he do? Um But anyways, but what was actually funny was for some this is how drunk they were As they were grinding on each other and fucking pulling up each other's dresses and doing all this shit the fucking for whatever reason

Uh, I don't know where they just started singing the star spangled banner And then the guys at the bar joined in And I have video of it. I'm gonna send it to my guy and hopefully we'll get it up on the site I got it like halfway through they sang The whole fucking song and what was funny was that whole fucking Is somebody gonna get rape vibe went out the window both sides for like a good three minutes were in harmony With some sort of support the troops vibe just out of fucking nowhere and I this is the funny thing about it

This was probably like seven in the evening. This is how fucking wasted everybody was um, all right plowing ahead here Um, oh whatever women. What do you think about that? Am I being the fucking caveman there? I'm not advocating that that I'm saying that those guys or they did was right, but like you can't I that's like it's like me like I always said this That's like me walking through central park at like three in the morning dressed like Liberace singing. I'm in the money I'm in the money

I got a lot of fucking gash in my back pocket right and then someone comes up Smashes me over the head. I get a concussion. I got a fucking my cheekbones fucked up You know they take my wallet, you know and all that shit Is it wrong? Yes. Do you feel bad for me? Yes, but what the fuck was I thinking? You know, why don't you just fucking give yourself a bunch of paper cuts and jump jump and shark infested water And then fucking go and then it bit my leg off You're an asshole That's bad. That's that's my side of it. All right. Oh, jeez. Uh relationship advice follow up success story dearest dearest billiam

You may or may not remember a couple months ago I emailed you about some relationship advice advice to recap 22 years old been with my girlfriend for seven years most of it long distant Smallish things had happened from time to time which made me doubt it could trust her I gave the example of the strip poker thing She lied about and the business trip where she said a coworker tried to kiss her. Oh, yeah I got to be honest with you dude. I get a lot of emails like that. So uh And I I've been that guy. I was that guy when I was 23. Um anyways

He goes you sent me a very clear message pull the ripcord I'm just writing to let you know that I did take your advice And although it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do it was 100 percent the right call So thank you for giving me the extra nudge. I needed hopefully in the future I can be a fucking man about these things and you just do what needs to be done Um through most of the relationship fall out now I did have to tell her to get fucked when she kept wanting to get back together She didn't seem to understand that all of the reason we broke up would still be there bottom line

I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Thanks, man. Oh, yeah. Well, there you go And that's the hardest thing too is when they're coming back to you because as you're thinking as your brain up top is going This is wrong. You're out. Stay out. Your your dick is going free pussy. Get your free pussy Step right up who wants to free pussy? All right, that's what your dick saying. So you have to override that and I gotta be honest with you the only reason why she was Getting back with you was just to get with you till she was mentally prepared to walk away from you so she could pull the ripcord and uh That's the worst so you avoided all of that. So now this is what you do son

um go out and have a good time and Don't get involved with anybody that you don't feel you're gonna marry All right, is this the mother of my kids? All right, go fuck yourself and that's how you do it until you meet the one that is And then that's the one That's the one you give your heart to but other than that. Fuck all of them. Fuck them. All right I don't mean that misogynistic way, but just you know When you're fucking, you know two three dates in and it doesn't feel fucking weird, you know

It's it start doesn't feel right. I mean it's still feeling weird You know At that point all she has at your place is maybe a scrunchie or some sort of fucking uh toiletry You just get it's out Done there you go beat it And you don't have to be mean you just be honest just say listen. I I really like you you're a nice person. I just don't see this uh long term So rather than waste your time in my time and us both getting really hurt. We'll just

Just leave right now This I believe this is yours Um All right, good for you sir good for you. All right, here we go pissed off bay area fan Who mice who's also might be cops? What? All right, thanks for canceling the sunday show in san jose you ginger fuck. Oh, yeah I'm doing san jose coming up and I had to I couldn't I can't do the sunday show

I had to cancel that one So evidently this guy says at least 10 of us bought tickets to the show and as a boozy and had a boozy work night Night out planned around it To say we were looking forward to it would be an understatement We are not some random group of amateurs either. We are dedicated fans faithful podcast listeners We came out to see you last time you were in san jose and we even stood in line to meet you Uh by by the dvds and by the dvds man Some of us were even women

Not only that we actually We've actually been polarized polarizing On behalf on your behalf and won you several several new fans Who also bought tickets to the sunday show? One guy's bitch wife only allows him out one night per year and this was going to be his 2012 outing. Jesus christ, dude. You're killing me We've told him you're a stand-up guy. How do we tell him? You've thrown us over and are scurrying out to chicago to suck up to vince von douche move mr. Burr

douche move hey What about the other two nights i'm going there? first of all Stop acting like san jose is like some blue chip fucking city All right, san jose only can look down to bakersfield. You look an eye to eye at sacramento. All right You're both the chicks with the good personalities. All right, but we all know the hottie is san francisco Okay

Listen, I apologize. Yeah, it's something I have to do um It it'll make sense in a few months It'll make sense in a couple of months. Why I had to do what the fuck i'm doing I don't talk about the shit that I that i'm doing Because most of it Get doesn't get picked up it gets swatted back down to the ground. So why fucking bring up Oh, hey, I just did this and allegedly it has the opportunity to do that and then nothing happens

And then it's bad enough. It doesn't happen. Then you have to deal with people going. Hey, whatever happened to that thing Oh, it's it failed it crashed and burned so, uh I yeah, I have to go to chicago. It's a fucking loyalty thing. All right You think I wouldn't like to spend another fucking night in san jose. I love san jose. I don't like the shacks I don't like your hockey team. I respect your fans though. You got great fans up there. So i'm sorry I'm sorry julie jim. Dave mickey joey joey's girlfriend riko bill And several others. All right, you fucking babies Um, and he goes no, we can't oh p.s. No, we can't just come friday saturday shows instead because we work those nights

We're in a local law enforcement. Oh, shit. They have guns. Um, yeah, my fault. I'll make it up to you And I'll see you at the uh policemen's ball Um, there's no way we can get the night off saturday Sunday night was it man. All right. All right. I fucked you over What do you think i'm not coming back? Ah, shit, you know what you're good. You got me with the guilt You did you got me with the guilt Hey, how about those la kings everybody is anybody else watching of the fucking playoff

The la kings for the first time since the gretzky era and as far as I know I didn't look this up I think only the second time in their history. They've made it to the western conference finals At least as far as when I've been paying attention. I don't ever remember them there back when they had those yellow and purple laker jerseys on um I don't know and the cunty devils keep beating the flyers I thought the flyers I'm not saying it's over. God knows it's not over when it's the fucking flyers It came back down o3 against my Bruins

um But the devils are just so fucking cunty You know what I mean, and I mean that with all due respect. I hate it when they played the trap and all that type of shit, but Sons of bitches man, they play very they play like that disciplined hockey wait disciplined um I don't know. All right, let's plow ahead here. What do we got? What do we got next? All right, bill is it racist racist racist a mushnick edition um

What is this man? Fuck a mushnick It's a murdoch owned paper enough said What is mushnick What what the fuck is what is this throwback is it racist mushnick edition? I have no idea what this means It says as long as the nets are allowing jay-z to call their marketing shots What a shock that he chose black and white as the new team colors to stress As the nets explained their new urban home

Why not have him apply the full jay-z treatment why the brooklyn nets when they They can be the new york n words what the fuck is this the cheerleaders should be the brooklyn Bitches or hoes Team logo a nine millimeter. What the fuck is this? Oh, oh, oh, oh, this is phil mushnick. Oh phil mushnick wrote this Oh, okay phil mushnick is this guy who's just he's never in a good mood He could be getting a two on one on a sunny day in the middle of winter And he would still find a reason to complain about stuff and that's funny coming from me because i'm one of the biggest cunts there ever was

All right phil mushnick. This is what he wrote about jay-z owning the nets in Um brooklyn. Okay. Now. I get it. He says as long as the nets are allowing jay-z to call their marketing shots Well, why shouldn't they it's america. He had the money he bought the team Uh, what a shock that he chose black and white as the new team Logos to stress as the nets explain their new urban home Why not have him apply the full jay-z treatment Why the brooklyn nets when they could be the new york new york n words The cheerleaders could be the brooklyn bitches or hoes team logo a nine millimeter with hollow tip shell casing strewn beneath

Want to be jay-z hip then go all the way? Ah, jesus That's just stupid. Well, isn't black and white isn't that inclusive? Like there's only black and white people in brooklyn, but i'm just saying you know Why you saying nine millimeters is a whole hecitic population. There's the uh growing up gaudy. Oh population out there brooklyn is uh Oh phil I think he is he just anyways he says bill is this racist

There's this asian girl that I work with who has a bit of an eye condition that is slow. Oh, this is a whole different thing Uh I thought this guy was tying that in i'm sorry. I'm just a fucking idiot right now I told you the syrup it's was wearing off the sugar rush or whatever it's fucking wearing down here um Yeah, why did he do that? Is he trying to be the next uh, who's that guy with the cowboy hat? Yeah That guy

He's mad that that their colors are black and white What is wrong with black and white? It's not like the nets had a classic uniform. I thought their their uniform was hideous They had that that gray with the red and the white was awful I think it's cool that there's a team in brooklyn Oh phil mushnik. Why don't you go get yourself a sunday? You're miserable bastard All right coming from me

All right bill is this racist racist racist Uh, there's this asian girl that I work with who has a bit of an eye condition That is slightly but definitely noticeable. She's not cross-eyed. She's not cross-eyed But something is definitely a skew You can tell she's looking at you, but one eye kind of drifts off into no man's land. Yeah lazy eye Now normally googly eyes Would be a pretty big turnoff right, but she almost seems more are luring because of it This had me wondering if asian women can pull off this look better than other nationalities

Uh, a mainstream example of this would be lucy lu. She had set an eye thing going on albeit a slight thing But she's revered as a hottie Compare that to a caucasian bobby bobby betsia the cnn anchor that nancy walls did an oppression of Or african-american stewart scott A lesser example considering he's a male Is it racist of me to believe asian may have the edge When it comes to public overlooking their lazy eyes if so

Do you think it's due to their eyes being all machete? Thus detracting from the wonkiness Ah Jesus dude, I think you just think this girl is hot You know and you'd rather bang her than stewart scott. I think it's really that simple um I don't know who know who half those other people are. I don't watch cnn or fox news. I find it, uh I don't know I just find both those they're totally slanted in opposite directions. So I never watched that shit and stewart scott is battling, uh

For his life, I believe so, uh, I don't know dude. I think you just want to fucking I think you just I just think you want to bang this girl Um, I think that's why you I think you like asian chicks Regardless of whether their eyes are looking at you or not looking at you. You you like them. So you know what I say, sir I say go for it you know Go get yourself a beautiful girl You know, it's great. She could uh, because I'm gonna do I was gonna do an easy joke there. I'm not doing it. All right

Okay, here we go bill, uh, want to bang lesbian friend who is in lesbian remission Jesus, okay, this is outside my realm, but I'll I'll try and answer it Hey bill, I want your opinion on this problem. I have I'm a 19 year old college freshman And I'm in a bit of an ethical dilemma I have this friend who is a lesbian And recently she has been she hasn't been having any luck with the ladies So now she's feeling vulnerable to the point that she's acted actually contemplating about fucking this guy She knows

After she tells me this I start getting jealous because I've always had sexual feelings for her But never acted on them because she's a lesbian and I respected her Dude, what kind of a fucking asshole are you? You know, why are you hanging out with her? Are you just waiting for daylight? What what are you doing? She's a lesbian. She doesn't want to fuck you You're sitting at a at a it's a dried up. Well, it's over walk away What else is there? Well, I guess she's a lesbian. Maybe she's into some uh

I don't know. Does she fix cars like you? I have no idea what that Is there anything worse than a guy just hovering around You know rather than going out and just like I don't know what you're waiting for just Plenty of fish in the sea in 19. Well, you know what? I'm being too hard on you. You're 19 years old. You have no idea Hello, Cleo Hey, Nick. Can you help me out with this one? Oh, you got to go real quick

You got to go This guy's trying to bang this lesbian girl who's in lesbian remission It means she hasn't she's wanted to like hook up with uh some other ladies But they're not giving it to her so she's actually been contemplating fucking this other guy So now this dude's jealous because he's always been hanging around her Remember that conversation we had earlier? That's what guy guys hang around women Either the gay guy or they're trying to fuck you. There's really no other All right, well, I wish you could hang here. All right, go have fun

I'm sorry. Huh? All right That's nice though. Your fans thought that you were coming on and now you're not you're leaving them wanting more You're leaving them wanting more. Can we do this real quick? Okay, so I told you what's going on. Yeah, Cleo get out of here um Anyways, but now that she's in the mood to going back to fucking dudes Some other douche is feeling her up even before I knew what was happening

So this other guy got in there. He goes, I don't want to make her my birth girlfriend We both made it very clear neither of us are good at being in relationships because we're both selfish people. I do not want However, I do want to fuck her once and I tried asking my cousin for his point of view on the situation But he recently found jesus. Oh So the only answer to give he gives me is read the bible Or premarital sex is a sin What do you think should I sleep with her before she fucks this guy and realize she doesn't like men and ruin any chance I have Uh, wait, should I try?

Oh, should I try to sleep with her before this guy fucks her and she realizes She doesn't like men and ruin any chance I have or should I just go just be the friend and do nothing? Thanks. Are there no other women? Around for you to fuck that you're just completely singularly focused on and obsessed with this girl who's a lesbian That's exactly what I said. Why are you hovering around her? That's what I'm what is it because you can't have her or like it's it's a it's a chase thing or it's a struggle that he's like You know what it is? I bet they're the same the same height and they can borrow each other's clothes Just I was wondering were you gonna wear that flannel tonight because uh, I feel like getting involved sexually with anyone

Who's having like going back and forth with their sexuality and figuring it out. It's probably not a good idea Just because there's probably a lot of emotional shit going on along with that that she may not talk about and you may not be aware of I would just leave it alone. Yeah, why don't you just go talk to a girl that wants to bang a guy Why don't you make it a lot easier on yourself? Hey, how do I turn this bus into a bicycle? I've always wanted this bus to be a bicycle and uh now it's uh, but but men like the chase though, right? Do you know we like a layup? We like a layup What I thought men are all about the chase and make it difficult and all that I know that's what you guys are into You guys are into just making it difficult. We want you guys just to fucking

Light out recline Stop acting like it doesn't feel good for you too, you know No, you know what it is there there is as far as like, uh A good feeling is when a woman is making it difficult and you tear through all that bullshit And you're able to make her uh succumb You're rolling your eyes Nia, right? You've experienced that haven't you? Well, yeah, this is the speech that you give before you tell people like Oh, you you you will making it difficult and that dude was cock-locking me and I fucking too

I that that that right there is like uh remember that year when when tom hanks went back to back oscars He's still a great actor, but you know, is that ever gonna happen again? Right? That's that's my that's my uh sexual conquest The night I brought you down. You didn't bring brought you down like a fucking will to be son of sarin getty See what they do they just take it away Cleo come on Uh, well, all right. Well, that's my that's my two cents. Okay, so I'm gonna go now. Okay. All right. I'll see you have fun All right there fucking female robo cup If I can work it out like a maniac I'm over here becoming a tub of shit That's right. All right. I'll see you later. So there you go, sir

This is what I think you should do. I we basically both of us you got to stop hanging out with these girls that uh Why are you doing that? You know I know why you're doing it I know why you're doing it because you can be like dude. My dick is so intoxicating even chicks who don't like dick can't say no to my dick Oh Um, all right, let's read some advertising shall we people? Let's get on with it. Where the hell is it here? Oh christ

Where are we? Where are we? Okay? Here we go. Here we go all the usual stamps.com everybody We've done this one before this is one. This is this is the runaway Advertising hit on the podcast here. Everybody's getting into it. And by the way, you know, I heard it. I heard her story Uh, nia always listens to np. Ah She always listens to that. Yeah, all things considered Today we're going to talk about how strawberries are made The strawberry doesn't everybody enjoy the strawberry. Oh Jesus npr Good lord

It's a fucking borefest, right? um She always has it on so I fucking sit there and I listen to it, you know And uh, but they were talking about the post office and how it's bankrupt And how they're going to be change. They're going to be closing A bunch of them soon and uh, at least this is what they were saying Unless they're super busy. They're going to be closing them. So why don't you get the jump? Okay, get the jump and go to stamps.com and bring the post office into your home your apartment

Or your cardboard box on the sidewalk wherever you're living you can bring the post office into your dwelling All right, they're going to start closing them soon You know, you want to be standing outside there like that poor son of a bitch who put all his money in the bank And when the bank fails, he's standing out there with his little his little His little card with the number on it, but did you said it was in there? You don't want to be that guy get the jump post offices are closing The sky is falling. I'm using fear this week. All right, go to stamps.com everybody Uh, what the hell is the copy is attached? I thought I knew this one by heart

Ah for Christ's sake, I know what it is you go to stamps.com. This is a great thing You're able to print legal stamps with your own your home computer and your printer Whoever you need you just bang bang boom you do it. You can do it whatever hour of the day They give you a little scale You know, so if you want to go, I don't know it's mother's day coming up and you bought something and you want to ship it out to your mom You know, you just put it in a box put it on your scale. You weigh it bank bank boom you're done Put it out of the mailbox postman comes the next day picks it up. You don't even have to leave your dang house All right, if you act now buy listeners get a free 110 dollars

worth of stamps And uh, you just go to stamps.com you click on the microphone with the code B. U. R. R. Burr. Um, I'm telling you this guy. Um, this is actually Is now more viable than ever considering they're actually closing the post offices The office is where they post Um, and that's it gamefly gamefly.com is another one Do you know what I noticed yesterday when I was watching the nba they they did pro flowers and they did gamefly.com And I was thinking you know what the nba they listen it to my podcast. They're ripping me off

They have the same advertisers. Um gamefly Uh, let's see keep it short this week. This is up to you if you want to do this anymore or not Uh, what are you talking about? Why wouldn't I want to keep doing this? I love gamefly.com you get 8,000 video games at your fingertips I guess that was an inside note like I wasn't supposed to read that Gamefly.com everybody. Do you like video games? Sure. We all do. I would like to have 8,000 video games at your fingertips They can either be delivered right to your game right to your house or you can download them right on your own damn pc You get a 15 day free trial

15 days you can stay at home use all your sick days your vacation days play video games go to gamefly.com then gamefly.com slash burr And you'll have access to all of those there you go. How was that? Are those reads all right? Hey remember the last few weeks I've been telling you guys how I've been trying to get into learning how Shit works and science and all that because I have such a poor science background um, I have a youtube video of the week And it basically it explains

um How a differential works on your truck or your car And it actually fucking blew my mind now the weird thing about this video is for some reason the first like six minutes of it you have to sit through uh Policemen on motorcycles doing all these different formations and these x-game tricks It's uh from like the 1940s. So it has that world war two propaganda you know And uh, you know, they're holding on to each other's arms

They're standing up riding around this whole little fucking hitler youth sort of beginning thing. It's really weird I guess at one point when they're going around they're trying to show the principles of a car going around the corner in the differential But it's fucking amazing And I know a lot of you guys like bill. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to learn how to fix my car And you know what I say? Yes, you do The back you had there's no way when you bring your car down to the dealership and you know It's something simple, but you just never read up on it. There's no way you don't feel like a bitch when you're sitting there you know

Telling you I you know, I didn't realize about the differential. I didn't realize that uh, it also allows I know it took all the torque from the engine and made it go 90 degrees, but I didn't realize It gave you back tires the ability to turn independently That's what blew my mind because it never dawned on me that when you go around the corner the inside tire Has to go like way A way shorter distance than the outside tire. So if they're both turning at the same time One of them would be sliding. I don't know which one but So I guess that makes sense

But for them to figure out a gear as to how to get those things to turn independently It's just it's fucking it just you just got to watch it All right, and if you watch it you're going to be like me And you're going to get fucking obsessed with it and you're going to buy the owner's manual to your fucking car That is about a thousand pages thick and you're going to finally like I've actually looking at like explosion drawings of like transmissions And uh, my whole life. I had no idea what a fucking transmission looked like Is this boring the shit out of all of you? Well, fuck you Can I learn something do I got to be the sports talking moron for the rest of my fucking life?

Um, hey, how about those new york nicks everybody? How about those nicks? They finally won a playoff game congratulations to all new york nick fans unless you like the yankees then you can go fuck yourselves um Ended a third a 13 game in a row playoff game losing streak I want to know what do you guys think? When will that ever get beaten that's gonna that one's gonna stand for a while I was actually trying to do the math on that in order to duplicate that

Best case scenario you only get swept two years In a row or two playoff trips in a row Like best case scenario would be You uh We're up three games to none one year and then you lost four in a row So you didn't get swept and there's four losses then you get swept two more times in a row That's 12 and then you lose the first game of the next one. That's the best case scenario The fucking nicks lost

Some playoff series when van gundy was still there they lost two the last two games So that was their first two lost then they got swept That's six they got swept again. That's 10. Then they lost the first three of this one. That's 13 I swear to god if they lost yesterday That 14 you would the only way somebody could beat that you have to get swept three times in a fucking ruts practically impossible um And this is what kills me Is uh paul versey

Old jersey versey new jersey zone The pride of fucking red bank He fucking uh, we got in this huge fucking debate He fucking annoys the shit out of me with his praise of madison square garden Like he feels like like this venue like that is the most overrated fucking venue I think in professional sports because It gets so much fucking clout because it's in new york city the paris of the united states

And just because it's fucking there That everybody seems to forget the incredible lack of championships that have been won there Okay, the fucking new york rangers have won one stanley cup Since 1940 that's 72 fucking years There's been one championship won there The new york nicks haven't won since fucking nixon resigned 40 fucking years All right, and this dude is telling me he's always talking about how jordan said that was his favorite place to play

And he this is how the fight started he told me that fucking the garden During games three was the loudest nba game. He's ever heard And i'm like really do you really think that it was louder than the boston garden or the la forum? When the lakers and celtics were playing a game seven do you really think it was louder game three nicks versus the heat in your down fucking o2 Do you really think the venue was fucking louder? I mean, what are you based and he goes dude? This isn't about championships. I'm like it's not i'm not saying it's about championships But we weren't playing for championships

You're gonna be even amped up even more and he just keeps saying how they use that stupid fucking Expression that that that madison square guard. It's a mecca It's a mecca for basketball and it's what people don't understand. I don't do you understand what mecca just means people From around the world gather there It's a gathering place. It's like if if if madison square garden was in a mall. It would be a food court People gather from all over the mall Some people came there to buy a dress other people came there to buy a slack Buy some slacks, but they they all gather in the food court to eat that shitty food

And yes, it is a basketball mecca people gather from around the globe to kick the nicks fucking ass every year If they make the goddamn playoffs All right, and just fucking annoys the shit out of me because I give it up to the yankees forum like like That that's that's the top Team in baseball It's not even close 27 championships Right And he's gonna fucking sit there and he's gonna try and talk about madison square garden

Like this is the crown jewel of the fucking nba and completely disregard the celtics and lakers who combined Have won 32 nba championships putz the lakers bba championship that they count as an nba championship for 33 And you're sitting on fucking two All right, I gotta be honest as an outsider when I think of madison square garden. I think of muhammad Ali. I think of led zeppelin mock messier Occasionally i'll think of uh bennard king Frank sinatra Uh bruce spring, you know rolling stones. I think more music. I don't think sports because nothing really fucking memorable

What it what has ever happened there, I don't understand what has happened that the bruins went into the stands and somebody got beaten with a loafer Mike milbury right not to rat him out, but I mean it's on video mike I mean just don't understand like it just I just tried to tell him i'm like dude. It's not louder It's not louder. It's not louder You think it was louder than when the celtics finally won another fucking championship after their drought of like whatever what it was 22 years. Do you really think it was louder than that? I was trying to explain to him It just seems loud to you because you're a nix fan You know, it's like that dude who was into the asian women

And he's gone out. Did they play off the lazy guy? You just you like asian women It's the same fucking thing All right, so just in case there's some more versies out there Okay, you have a nice little venue down there. It's it was made during the cookie cutter time Some of the worst fucking venues ever the ceiling is ugly and uh, there's an unbelievable I've done this joke before I always talk about the The breeze and madison square garden There's an unbelievable breeze up in the rafters because there's no championship banners to block the air conditioning

So anyways having said that Congratulations to the nix um if the nix ever went on a run and were uh A championship team even then the best that they could hope to do is duplicate what uh The bulls did with jordan when when they were the center of the basketball universe But in my lifetime, they never have been And i'm an old fuck man. I've been around for a long time at this point

I'm halfway through this journey if i'm lucky hopefully only halfway through Um, so there you go. I went out of my way to trash the fucking nix even though they just fucking won um And I don't and I don't even know shit about fucking uh I don't know shit about basketball. Why don't I just shut the hell up? What am I up to here 56 minutes? All right, let's read some more advertising here. All right amazon.com everybody Hey, do you like me? Do you like my podcast? Do you well if you don't do you like the troops? I'm drafting behind your like of the troops. This is the deal. Um next time you go to amazon.com not saying you have to

The next time you're gonna buy something. Why don't you just go to bill burr dot com click on the podcast Page that thing opens up on the right hand side. You're gonna see the amazon banner You click on that thing and then just go buy something if you want to and when you do You'll be supporting my podcast because I get a kickback and 10 of whatever kickback I get from amazon.com I throw to the wounded warriors project so you support my podcast and you support the troops How about that? Can you beat that? I don't think you can so Um, I think that's it. I think that is the uh the podcast for this week. Wait, there's some overrated underators

Remember those things um underrated Uh pissing in the shower one of the most relaxing things you could ever do gross Just lean back hands-free and just let go Of all your worries trust me sounds gross. That's what he's but it's awesome Plus it all goes down the same pipes And this way you'll save a flush Worth the water. It's like the hybrid of toilet time. Um, it doesn't go down the same pipe It doesn't go down the same pipe you fucking jackass it doesn't

The toilet goes down your fucking sewage line All right They don't all they don't all flush together Tell me they don't all flush together Then where does that water go to then get treated and then I wash my hair with the shit we all shit and pissed in Uh, probably does there's so many fucking people does it go down the same fucking line? No No, it would dude you would the smell of shit would be coming right up your shower drain

Maybe eventually it does I don't think it does I thought they kept those two separate Wow, that's fucking disgusting. Could somebody please write me and clear that up. Um, anyways Frosting your own beer glasses at home underrated apps the fucking Lutely And by the way, you're required to do that Okay, if you if you say hey, you guys want to watch the game at my place you are required to frost up some glasses Okay

That's uh, that's one of the the unwritten rule, you know, there's unwritten rules. You don't show up a picture You know what I mean after the whistle blows you don't shoot the puck at the goalie those fucking unwritten rules You know the unwritten rule is that you have your buddies over to watch the game. You got to frost up some glasses you know And then get mad at them when they pee all over the seat Um overrated, uh giant opera style mansions with 20 bedrooms and shit I grew up pretty poor and in some small houses And I remember thinking as I was watching those screen movies how that shit could never happen to broke people

They had the rich kids in these giant ass houses giant arse houses this guy must be from europe here um, and people getting murdered in some Other room while the rest of the people were oblivious, which made me laugh As growing up I could hear my mom in the kitchen walking around on the wooden floor while I was in the bedroom Literally on the opposite side of the house No way some mass douche is slaughtering someone D masking and then walking back into the lounge like hey guys what I miss Uh, so sleep tight there richy rich

That's fucking hilarious. Plus, you know, what's crazy about those houses is you know when you have like 20 bedrooms you don't think about it, but Like those rooms are useless 20 bedrooms, so you got to go out by 20 beds. What can you do in your bed? Sleep and fuck Right. Do you need to do that in a bunch of other rooms other than that? How long does that take? For me sleeping and fucking takes eight hours and seven minutes On a good day, right?

So other than that it's just a useless room I you need whatever three four bedrooms and then after that everybody can you know go sleep in the family room Go sleep in the movie room go sleep in my study. You want to turn those rooms into something else? I've never understood, uh I don't you know what it is. Yeah, this is why I think those people live in those kinds of places Some people just want a giant house, but there is got to be something really comforting To live in like the Illuminati's like cul-de-sac You know like if I ever became like just like some fucking billionaire You know which I really think is inevitable with the wild success of this podcast and all this advertising that pretty soon

You know I will become a billionaire um I'll go fuck yourselves Whatever whatever say I invent the next fucking app for the iphone and I make a zillion dollars, you know There's got to be something comforting when the dollar is crashing If you're in this giant gated fucking community With its own security

Ah shit even then even then because then you got to think the security guy I would make friends with the security people like ridiculous Friends I would like if I had that kind of money I would pay off their houses Well, then he wouldn't fucking show up to work. I'd have to do something where they were on my side You know I just make a plan dude when it when the shit goes down You can bring you and your family and your pistol to my house. All right I have fucking 10 years worth of beef in my fucking 4 000 square foot fucking refrigerator Freezer

We can eat for 10 years all and I have enough bullets for you to hold people off Can can you do this? Are you willing to do this or that that's how I would play it? I would have my own little mini militia You know, I don't buddy mine told me one time They were having they had this fire in the Hollywood Hills somewhere out here Can somebody please find me footage of this because I refuse to believe that somebody had this level of wealth But it sounded awesome where the big thing about it when you live in the hills out here um

This is basically what happens all right every year For like a month straight it fucking it seems like it rains every day out here and during that time All the hills turn all green and they're beautiful and they're lush and all that type of shit And then after that occasionally it will fucking rain So what happens is gradually the hills start to dry out And then towards the end of the year the santa anna winds come in off of the desert All right, and it's just

Flat so they come in like fucking sometimes upwards of a hundred miles an hour And it's like nature's hair dryer and it just dries out all of the hills and turns them this shitty Jesus is coming brown And then eventually something happens somebody throws a cigarette out the window I don't know what I don't know a fucking rattlesnake takes a shit and hits a piece of flint I don't know how these things work. I have a bad science background whatever the fucking things catch on fire And all these rich motherfuckers that you're jealous of during those months You're not jealous of when you watch their fucking houses burn down

So one time a buddy of mine was saying he was watching the news and somebody had so much fucking money That he the dude had his own fire department Basically and these guys were on top with these fucking fire retardant suits and these giant like Like cannons that were shooting foam All over the perimeter and all over the house So his house didn't burn down and like the four houses around him burned to the ground and his house was fine Just sitting in this giant mountain of fucking shaving cream and uh

I just remember thinking that that is that is the shit like if I was wealthy, that's what the fuck I would do You know, I wouldn't help the less fortunate I would make sure that I could protect all my shit wouldn't you Yeah, that was a nice little selfish moment But I am I'm selfish son of a bitch. Um, that's the podcast for this week. Hey, would you guys like to see me do stand up? Well, why don't you go to billbird.com like I'm doing right now? You fucking bastard. Where the hell is it? There we go Uh, these are some of my upcoming shows I am gonna be in Los

Angeles at a at a club called flappers. I swear to god. It's called flappers. It's in burbank I'm trying to build up my new act And uh on may 25th. I don't even have the date up on my website yet. I'll have to get it up there. Uh A place called flappers in burbank, california. Um other things I have coming up san jose I'm gonna be uh at the improv on the 15th and the 16th. Unfortunately. I had to cancel the show on sunday And uh on the sunday, I'm gonna be at the chicago theater june 17th And uh, then the ontario emperor ontario improv the 29th 30th and july 1st

Jesus christ, there's something. Where's the summer going? Hampton beach ballroom casino in new hampshire Newport yachting center newport rhod island. I know that sounds fancy, but it's a giant tent outside in a parking lot So don't don't be intimidated. Come on down. I need you to caroline's on broadway july 26 through the 29th and uh Who out there is from charlotte north carolina? North caca fucking lackey motherfucker Um, I actually were in the process of booking a date there on a weekend when the panthers have a home game

So i'm gonna go out to a game see cam newton and uh by then my fucking act ought to be uh About three quarters ready. My special will be about a month away from coming out. So uh a bunch of dates Yada yada yada, please come out and see me. Uh, once again, thanks to everybody who's been listening to the podcast making donations. Um, you know Take advantage of some of the advertising that i'm bringing to you. You know anybody who orders the flowers. I really appreciate it That is it. That is all go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit Don't hang out with lesbians thinking you're gonna fuck them either be friends with them and trade ratchet sets or fucking move on All right

That is it. God bless you and god bless the united states of america I got no Hey You Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge the gene site test may help Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications? Understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error gene site is a genetic test that analyzes variations in dna It shows how genes may affect someone's metabolism or response to medications commonly prescribed to treat depression anxiety and other mental health

conditions visit gene site.com for more information