Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-10-21

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

Bill rambles about his birthday, a cameo from Sebastian Bach, and playoffs.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and just check it in on you. What's going on? How are you? How's it going for you? Well, I have mixed emotions today, all right, because today is my 53rd birthday for me. It's my motherfucking 53rd birthday for me.

I have more years than freckles on my face. Well, what the fuck are you going to do? Yeah, it's my birthday today. I already had an unbelievable birthday. Already had an unbelievable. Do I get rid of that? Do I let's do the sadness before the amazement. Unfortunately, my Boston Bruins, I mean, they just lost three in a row in the series to

the amazing New York Islanders. I mean, I'd love to fucking bitch about something, but they just fucking, you know, we were up two games to one. We won the first one, then they won the second one in overtime and then Marshawn always showing up fucking one, the third one in overtime and it was feeling like we were going to tip it in our favor. Or I felt like the very least that I just felt they were really evenly matched, at least I did before those last three games.

And I just thought like, okay, this is going to be one of these back and forth, back and forth. But it was crucial to win the first one because I don't see either one of these teams blowing a series lead. How wrong was I? We were up two games to one and then they just ran the table and whatever they figured out. I don't know Hockey that well enough.

I know that Matthew, I don't know how to say it, Barzel, Barzel, Barzel, I don't know, it's AL, it's fucking weird. That guy just fucking, I don't know, he just took it to another level and was a pain in the ass and pissed people off and got a fucking ladybink candidate to spare him in the balls. And then he'd be back on the ice two seconds later, setting up somebody for a fucking power play goal if he didn't score himself. That kid 29, Brock Nelson was everywhere on defense and Varlamov, their goalie. He just, I don't know, he was just always in position.

I will say that because everybody was like, oh my gosh, playing unbelievable. I didn't see an unbelievable save. The fucking guy was just where we were. He was never, you know, quick pass and all this didn't seem like that. And all of a sudden he's rushing to the other post and he just doesn't get there in time or made a great save. He just was fucking, the guy was, he was just there, all waiting. Remember that?

Reservoir dogs. You know, the alarm goes off, you got five to seven minutes, but man, those cops, they were just there already, all loaded for bear. So, but I got to tell you, man, as much as it sucked that my team lost, it was fun to see Islander fans going crazy again. And that took me back to my childhood when they won those four in a row. And just how loud that place got. And I'll tell you something else, which is fucking crazy is they cut to the crowd two

games ago and it looked like a crowd shot from the late 80s. I guess it's the mullet back. I think the mullet's back. There was a bunch of people in that crowd that looked like if they didn't own a Monte Carlo SS, that was their dream car. So I kind of got a kick out of that. It reminded me of some of the shows I did out in governors way back in the day. So congratulations to them.

Great fan base and all that. Good luck. I'm telling for you in the next round, nothing against Tampa Bay, because I love that franchise too, but like, you know, they won it last year. You know, either way, it'll be cool. Either way, it will be cool because, you know, if Tampa goes to win it again, then they won two cups in a Super Bowl in the last year and they start to make their mark as, you know, their case of being the next title town.

Now they'll call themselves title town because they only won three. But I mean, you know, that's what newer cities do. The benchmark is Boston. Okay. It really is. And every other town could go fuck themselves because we were title town for two fucking decades when there was 30 teams in all four sports, not this fucking mollery and curly horse shit from back in the fucking day.

That's my argument. Anyway, plow it ahead and how about your fucking Montreal, Canadians, Jesus Christ, mopping the fucking floor with the Winnipeg Jets. I mean, they just, the Montreal Canadians, I don't know if you realize this, have won seven playoff games in a row and are looking like they have the magic that brought them to their last cup in 1993 when they were not a, they were not a favorite. And all of a sudden they just, I don't know, of course they had Patrick Gua before they booed them out of town.

Yeah, unbelievable. That's what cons Montreal fans are fucking 1993 with no team. That guy fucking just stops every puck and you guys win shit and overtime and when three years, three years, you give a fuck day, you boo them out of town. Oh God, I love bringing that up. And I always, well, until you win your next cup, which might be you're only eight games away, but you're going up, is it going to be the Vegas nights? Did they beat the abs who were looking like fucking world beaters?

I was just out in fucking Colorado at Red Rocks checking that place out because I might film a little something there. And somebody was saying like, yeah, the abs are going to fuck it. We're going to fucking wipe your fucking ass, they were talking all this shit. I was like, yeah, you guys look great. Let's see what happened. Vegas nights. You know, I just realized, does that also mean could be like NIGHT?

All right, the series is three, two. Oh boy. Oh God, this is a birthday wish. Do I really hit the, I can't hit the client. This is my nephew. And I did hit the client. So fucking funny. And I ended up hitting the client by accident.

How the fuck did I just do? I said, I can't only hit the client and I just hit the client. Oh no. That's worse than not picking up. I just hit the client. Well, I got to fucking stick with it now. What an asshole. That's like when you're fucking mad at somebody and you want to talk shit about them and then

you send the person you're mad about a text anyway, the golden nights, the golden nights are playing tonight. I'm going to watch that series now. I'm fucking over it. You know, it was just clear that the, that the, the Islanders were the better team to share. I mean, just, I mean, they just dominated. Fucking dominated.

We had a nice little bit of a comeback in game five, but it wasn't enough in game five to what the fuck 44 shots, the 19 and we lose five to four. So but I think, you know, Cam Neely and everybody did such a great job at the Bruins team again this year and they always seem to make the right moves to make us better. So we shall see what happens next season. You know, I don't give a fuck what happens. I'm always going to watch them. That's it.

I'm going to be a fan. Okay. There you go. Bandwagon motherfuckers. All right. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Okay. So that was, that was the, that was a rough one.

That was the bad part of the, of my night last night. By the way, let's check in on the Brooklyn nets, that little, you know, upstart team that won by like 40 points in their first fucking game. It's so stupid. They're up two games to none. Oh, well, let's take a look at the series. Let's take a look at the series Brooklyn nets. Do I even want to look at this?

What did they win the second game by 50 game to that's what I need to look up the game to highlights game to score. Let's see what happened. Game to 125 to 86. I mean, is that the same fucking thing again 39 that was game to, okay, what was game one game one score 15107 that was actually a game there for a second. Anyway, why is, why did I shake off the Bruins laws? Because today is my birthday and my wife went out and got me the coolest fucking gift I've

ever had. You know, those cameos were celebrities wish you a happy birthday. The person, the best cameos out there are Sebastian Bach, one of the great lead singers, frontman, one of the huge fan of his, she got me, she got me the cameo him wishing me happy birthday. And I just sat there just freaking the fuck out. I mean, I kind of knew she was going to do it because I was saying, listen, I don't need anything.

I got enough t shirts and bullshit. I want, you know, I want to see Sebastian wish me a happy birthday and she got it for me. And it was just like, why became a fan of his cameos is because the guy goes all out. They're like, he'll do like 15 minutes shows you around his house or the one he did for me. He was at some kiss museum and he was showing all the stuff that he had was hilarious. He's like, these are the kiss pillows.

I got that one. I got that one. I need that one. It was so fucking awesome. So thank you to him. Thank you to my wife and everything. I, she did take a little video of me. She gave me breakfast in bed with waffles and I watched Sebastian Bach wish me a happy

birthday who for my money is one of the best front men of all time. I always tell you guys this. Watch him sing monkey business on SNL and the guys, he's, he's acting like he's at the fucking O2 arena and you know, he's, he's in front of like 400 people and the guy is acting like it's 4 million. It's, it's what it's all about. It's what it's all about. I love that guy.

So thank you to him and thank you to my wife for making that happen. It was, it was so surreal and every time he said my name, you don't understand. I saw them open for Aerosmith at the Boston garden, New Year's Eve, December 31st, 1989. I had just lost my license for drinking and driving. Things were not going for this orange headed jerk off. But I went to that show and I just had like the best, I had the best time and he came out and they were a new band. That was their first album and they came out and they just fucking ripped and he was funny.

You know, when he was talking in between the, the songs and everything and then of course Aerosmith came out, the bad boys of Boston. And I remember at the end of the night, I think they all came out, there was some sort of like set they had that Aerosmith had. I want to say it was either a subway, I think it was a subway and they acted like they all got out of the subway, you know, at the Boston garden or something like that. I forget what it was the long time ago. Jesus Christ, almost 32 years ago.

And in the end, they did the countdown and they all came out and they were having, you know, I think Aerosmith was sober by then. So they were probably just having some sort of fucking fruit punch or some shit. But everybody came out and toasted the crowd. It was awesome. And if you ever told, you know, old freckled Billy with no driver's license at that point, that Sebastian Bach, Sebastian Bach, the lead lead singer of Skid Row was going to wish me a happy birthday someday.

I mean, that would have been it. That would have been it for me. So thank you to him and my wife for making it happen because it was fucking awesome. Greatest birthday gift ever. Hands down, not even close. All right. So getting back to, let's see here, what did I want to talk about? Oh, you got to see this new documentary, this new documentary out on Showtime called

the Kings. And this is about my favorite time in boxing when I was growing up. Everybody talks about Mike Tyson in the eighties, but Mike Tyson in the eighties was total domination, like the fucking Islanders, the last three games against my Bruins. He was just, he just dominated everybody. And, but like, if you just wanted to see, like, I don't know, just for the greatest fighters of all time, not only fighting at the same time, but fighting each other. It was, I guess, that welterweight middleweight division.

So this documentary is about that time. It's about Sugar Ray Leonard, Tommy Hitman-Herns, Marvin Hagler, and Hands of Stone there. The fuck am I going blank on his name there? Dude, what the fuck? I swear to God, I got to start taking that alpha brain shit. I literally just watched three episodes of it last night, and I'm going totally blank on his name. Hands of Stone, come on, Bill, Roberto Durant, one of the assholes I have.

And I, you know, they had the whole backstory of him, all the shit that was going on in Panama. And you know what's cool is they do like, they do like this parallel of what was going on in politics, what was going on in America at the time. And, you know, Jimmy Carter, he just always got shit back then. He was like, I feel like the last like humanitarian that was ever president that really seemed to like just care about just humanity in general, beyond caring about American people. He just cared about people and human rights and that type of stuff.

So of course, he was destroyed, you know, and viewed as weak in all of this shit. And, you know, there's a couple of speeches he gave. He gave it one point. He goes, you know, who you are as a person used to be about what you did, not what you had. And he kind of gave America this stern talking to about consumption. And now it was an empty pursuit. That's what he was talking about right before Greed is good came in.

And then Reagan came in, who just was like, you know, I mean, he was a fucking movie star. The guy had like, you know, I mean, I know there's been some people that came along that had some star power since then, but this guy was like a legit movie star, which is why back in the day, you know, I think back and way back in the day, like Roman times or something or Greek or in Greece, they would not let actors run for political office because they were like, they're too good at faking shit. We're not going to know what they're really thinking, right? So they cut to him and he's, you know, got that smile and he just, you know, that's what

it is. But I didn't realize that that guy was the one doing the make America great again. And the people who put together this documentary were obviously not fans of his. So they made it look like he was sort of doing that dog whistle race baiting shit. Oh, look who's here. Oh, you gotta finish it now to use. Thank you. Come on in.

Oh, because you tapped out on that, that documentary and I was saying how I didn't realize, I mean the people who make the documentary are obviously not fans of his. So Ronald Reagan's. And he was the guy that did the first make America great again. And he was doing that whole, you know, getting back to the way it was, you know, white people, we look back, you know, the good old days for us and not the good old days for you, you guys there. So he was doing that.

Now whether he was just being, you know, you know, living in his white world when he said it, but they were saying that he was doing the whole dog whistle thing for, you know, let's get this back to where it was. But I will say this though, they did show this part in the documentary, which was a part of America that I remember when I was a kid where, you know, there was guys who were just like the milkman and he could have, he could make enough money to have a stay at home wife. And all he did was drive a truck, drop off milk bottles and pick up empty ones, the simplicity of that life.

And he had enough money to have a house and if his wife wanted to work, she could work if she didn't. She didn't have to. And everybody was fine. And you had food on the fucking table and they were talking about, they showed this, this great bit. That memory is about as white as the milk he delivered every day. Nothing.

Why? Everybody, people had that. Black people had that too. I know, but I just wanted to make a milk and white. I know it wasn't great. I just wanted to do it. Now who's race baiting? So the old race bait, the old race bait.

So anyway, listen to me, try to sit next to me too, because my stupid fucking thing is screwed up. I have two microphones, but they're messed up now for your birthday right now, but it requires me kind of being on my phone, but I'm here for you, baby. Hey, why did you come out here? If you're not going to be on the podcast and be like, happy birthday. Are you going to be here? Are you going to be here this afternoon?

I'm not doing shit today. Okay. All right. Just making sure. But I do have to leave for the gym in like 10 minutes. So what are we talking about? So they were showing how... Old face?

When Detroit... Old face killer? When... When Detroit in the 60s was sort of the... Say hello to my old friend. Try to think what other puns I can make today. All right. I thought you came out here to participate.

I didn't think you came out here to just trash me. Did you tell them about your birthday gift? Yes, I did. It was fucking awesome. What does he sing, by the way? What do you mean? What does he sing? What does...

The entire skid row... I don't know what they say. 18 is like you got it. 18 is like you know. Do they say, no need nothing but a good time? No. Do they say... That's poison, you asshole.

Do they say... Um, ragdoll, daddy's in the cutie. That's Aerosmith. Yeah. Do they say, ragdoll, daddy's in the cutie. That's Aerosmith. You jerk face. Awesome.

Sugar. Oh man. That's Death Leopard. I said jump. That's Van Halen. Go ahead and jump. Oh, what about... Bang and blast.

That's A-C-D-C. What about... I'm impressed that you know all these songs. I want to rock rock. Rock. Brass. Brass. Brass.

Brass. Twisted sister. Do they say... S-A-T-U-Y. Do you want... That's the Bay City Rollers. Do they say... Do they say...

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know who that last one. What's that saying? 18 in Life. Nope. Don't know it. Youth gone wild. Don't know it. Monkey business.

My favorite one. Don't know it. You should know it. You should know... Don't know it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm going to have to take you out to go see him.

What else? Well, I'm glad you enjoyed that. I like how you keep going. What else? I just named the three biggest hits. Like you're going to know some deep cut. Oh, she's my cherry pie. They sang that one, right?

No. That was Warrant. Not Warrant. That was... What was that? That's when all the W bands came out. It was Warrant, White Lion, Great White. Do they sing?

Heaven isn't too far away. Or whatever those words are. I forget who that was. But that was... That's when it was ending. That's when it was like ending and then Skid Row came along. And they fucking were crushing it. Oh, they say girls, girls, girls.

Mollie crew. Oh. Okay. I really don't know their catalog. I've showed it to you. How many times have I showed you that clip of them on SNL when they sang Monkey Business and he just fucking just destroys? Well, that's great.

I'm kind of feeling like my birthday's over and like going back to just being the jerk that you always are to me. It's birthday. Anyway. So they were showing how all of... You didn't have to have like a high school education. You could get a job in, you know, one of the big three, Chrysler Ford or GM. And you could work, build these cars.

You could afford to have a car. You could have a house. And I just remember just watching it like, why couldn't they just let us have that? You know, just keep letting us have that. And they could still have their fucking house on the hill and look down on blue collar people. But why would you take that away from the fucking middle class? And then what I love is that morons blame Republicans and fucking Democrats, which I felt this documentary was kind of acting, you know, going to do,

oh, then the Republicans came and it's like, it's corporations that own them. You know, that's what I feel. I just, I think they all work for the same people. But it went back to that period and they showed Detroit before the race riots and everything and then the white flight and all that. And what an amazing city that it was. And it's just a fucking shame that people don't get along and then stuff like that happens. And 50 years later, they're still dealing with it.

That's all, Nia. That's all I wanted to say. Okay. All right. Yeah. Do you feel pretty strongly about it? Well, maybe I need to give it another chance. I did.

You know something, Nia? People have been saying for a while, where's Nia? She needs to come back on the podcast and you're coming out here. I missed you guys. And you're coming out here. It feels great to be back. I don't feel like I'm phoning it in. What are you talking about?

You're sitting here. I keep... I like... Don't do that. Don't do what? Because you're being sweet and then I take a step towards you and then you talk about my old face and then I pull away and then you go, oh, come here. Yeah.

The old push, pull. I know. Don't do that. How do you feel? I feel fine. I felt fucking great when I just the cameo thing. That's all I needed. That's all I needed.

You got me a couple of new hats for my fucking old bald head. I didn't get you that. The kids got me that. Oh, the kids got me that. Oh, yeah. The kids got you that. My daughter came in and was just like, happy birthday, kid. She had that cute look and she sang happy birthday to me.

It's over. He gave me waffles in bed. That's it. That's it. That's it. So I'm done. And now I'm not doing shit for the rest of the day other than this podcast. Good.

So let me ask you this, Nia, because the fans want to know. Okay. I think the Boston Bruins just couldn't figure out the New York Islanders. Once they, once they evidently figured us out, figured us out how to beat us. What happened? What would you say were the top three breakdowns or whatever that caused us to just get so unceremoniously booted from the playoffs? Well, you know, that's a complex question.

You know, what I noticed was that Chara was like really in his head, you know, and so that has a lot to do with it. Also, probably because he was traded to the capitals, but go ahead. Well, that's the thing. And that just affected the whole team morale. Exactly. Exactly. Bill.

I mean, how do you think that affected everybody else? It's like, we love the guy. Now he's playing for somebody else. Oh man, we're not going to be as strong as we used to be. That was pretty good though. He started laughing at it. Like that wasn't bad. Like missing Chara.

I'll go with that. I miss him so much. All right. Give me the second one. The second one, it's like, did you guys see like the rank, like the ice? Like, I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but it just felt like it looked a little like slick, like slicker than normal, like a little wet.

Like, I don't know. So did you think the Islanders were a faster team? So maybe they made the ice a little cooler so they could skate a little faster. I just feel like there was some weird shit going on with that. Cause when I was looking at it, I was like, hmm, looks a little. All right. I like that. Okay.

Little conspiracy theory. Little, we missed the old guy. Okay. Number three. What do you got? Also, I just felt like the referees were, I don't know. Like there was one guy, he was looking really like shady to me. Like, I don't know the guy personally, but like, I just, he was kind of standing on the

corner. He was like, like, the ice going back and forth. And he was like rubbing his hands together. And he was whispering to the other referee. Yeah. It's not good when the refs are whispering to one another. I was like, what are they talking about? You know what I mean?

So I just felt like, oh, and then, then they also were like whispering to the coach of the team that won. And it was like, what are they whispering about? The Islanders. It was like, what are you guys whispering or are you on an island of your own? Like, see what is that about? What does that mean? So I don't know.

There's a lot of. All right. And I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. I didn't like it one bit. Not one bit. So if you had to choose between the Vegas Knights and the Montreal Canadians, who's one in that series?

Well, here's the thing about the Vegas Knights. It's a gamble. Am I right? All right. All right, Nia. Thank you. Thank you for being on. Thank you for being on the podcast.

I'm using yourself. Am I right? Come on, people. All right. I have to read advertising here. Thank you so much for the, no, for the cameo. The cameo, man. This is Bill reading the advertising.

Fucking. What does this say? All right. Here we go. Butcher box. It's pretty good. It's pretty accurate. All right.

But definitely check out. Check out the, the Kings on, on showtime. I had no idea. I always thought that Sugar Ray Leonard fought Tommy Herns and lost the first time and then had to come back and beat him the same way he lost to Durand first and then had to come back and beat him. I didn't realize that Tommy had that fight one, but I always thought that the weakness of Tommy Herns was that he loved to fight.

So even if he had a fight one, he, if you started just wanted to just stand flat footed and trade, he was all about that. And it's because of that, that when he fought Marvin Hagler, that, that the greatest round in boxing, they say the first round, Marvin Hagler versus Tommy Herns. And I just, I don't know, it just took me back to that whole time. And you know what's so funny to watch that documentary on the heels of that fucking YouTube guy and Mayweather. And even really Mayweather's last like six fights.

And now he's like, I guess somebody said he was bragging about, he's the best legal bank robber out there. Mayweather, which is kind of funny. As a comedian, I have to admit, it's kind of funny. Hey, you dumb fucks, I stole your money again. We're like, we know. Fucking disgusting. Fucking disgusting.

I know, but we still watch it. All right, be just, let me show you here. I got to read this here. All right, Mack Weldon, everybody. When that Mackie starts fucking Weldon, he's going to kick off your summer with style with brands that's reinventing men's basics. Mark Weldon, Mark Weldon's full collection includes T-shirts, polos, buttons up, shorts and pants.

Short pants, shorts, pants, swimwear and so much more. With light and breathable fabric technology, Mack Weldon keeps you cool and comfortable all summer from working to working out happy hour to playing with your kids. Mark, Mack Weldon has men's essentials for whatever your day includes. Dive into Mack Weldon's swim line with trunk and board shorts, short options that are quick to dry and have four-way stretch fabric. So no matter which way you bend it, forward, backwards, this way, that way, you got your leg up, it's stretching with you.

When you're not in the pool, Mack Weldon's new Maverick Tech Chino shorts and radius shorts are the perfect addition to your summer wardrobe. They'll keep you comfortable so you can confidently power through your most active days. Mack Weldon also has a free loyalty program called Weldon Blue. Level one gets you free shipping for life. Once you reach level two, by spending 200, you get 20% off every order for the next year. Stay cool this summer and looking great doing it with all new collections of men's essentials from Mack Weldon.

For 20% off your first order, visit Mack Weldon.com, W-E-L-D-O-N.com slash burn. That's Mack Weldon, M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N.com slash burn. Promo code burn, that's for 20% off. Mack Weldon, reinventing men's basics. That's pretty good. All right, Helix, everybody. Helix, there's nobody on the planet like you. So why would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else?

Helix Sleep has a question that has a quiz that just takes two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. Why would you buy a mattress made from someone else? With Helix, Helix, you're getting a mattress that you know will be perfect for the way you sleep. Everybody's unique. Helix knows that. So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium, and firm mattresses.

Mattress is great for cooling you down if you sleep hot, gross, and even a Helix mattress for plus size folks. It's been awesome getting messages from so many of you who also find the Helix mattress of your dreams. What are you freaking out about? Not the copy. All right. Handle whatever you handle. All right. So if you're looking for a mattress, you take the quiz, you order the mattress that you're matched to,

and the mattress comes right to your door shipped for free. You don't even need to go to a mattress store again. Just go to helixsleep.com slash burn. Take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it. But you will. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash burn.

All right. We got one more here. Oh, my bookie. How the fuck are you doing? Hey, everybody, UFC 263. 263. 263. 263.

However you say it is going down this weekend. And if you're scrambling to place your bets, problem solved. Mybookie.ag. Has you covered better yet? Use our promo code BIRD to grab yourself a deposit bonus up to $1,000 and take advantage of fights. Like the highly anticipated rematch between Israel at the scene, Naya, and Marvin Vetteri. Let's be honest. The only thing more exciting than watching two beasts throwing haymakers is cashing your account when the final bell rings.

And if you want NBA and NHL playoff action, Mybookie has no shortage of game lines, championship futures, and they've got the best player props in the industry. Sign up. Use the promo code BIRD at Mybookie.com. A.G. to grab yourself some extra funds on top of your deposit and start your day off with a win. That's extra cash in your account. You're a cunt. That's extra cash in your account so you bet the best games and events all summer long. Mybookie.ag, promo code BIRD, B-U-R-R, bet anything, anytime, anywhere with Mybookie.

Jesus, I'd like to tell you that was the worst I've ever done, but it was pretty average. I'm so disappointed. Get up near the mic. I was trying to do something else for your birthday. I'm good. Sebastian Bach, wish me a happy birthday. I'm good. You know what?

Listen, does anyone out there have any connections with the New Beverly Sunma? Because anybody out there, that like, anybody there. You got me stinking old school metal now. Quentin Tarantino. Does anybody wonder? You said the tickets were going on sale at 9 a.m. I was on at 9 a.m. Refreshing, refreshing.

Oh, and then I just got to know. In that timeframe that I was on the podcast, I missed being able to get, look what I was going to get you. Oh, shit. It was a double feature and it sold out just like that. All right. I'm literally getting alerts and notifications on my Twitter for when they went on sale. I had everything set.

I was sitting here refreshing. A bullet in the getaway. Double feature at Tarantino's movie theater. And then by the time I finished doing my bit on it, I missed the window. Is that just the only night that they have it? It was the six, those, it was three nights in a row and they're all sold out. Well, you know something that's good that movie theaters are sold out again. It's all right.

Tarantino always has great movies showing down there. We can go somewhere. This was this, I saw this like two weeks ago that they were doing this and I know this was something you would have loved to see. Well, Nia, you blew it. You ruined my birthday. Thanks a lot. Oh well.

I tried. Did you tell him what else I got you? You got me a hat. You got me a blue hat. You got me a gray hat. Sebastian Bach wished me happy birthday. Your mom got me a cool helicopter t-shirt. No, but what are we doing later this year?

Oh, we're going to Vincent Van Beebe. Oh, Red Face himself. Van Gogh immersive experience. I went to his joint out there in Holland or where it was Denmark. One of those times I was going around. I liked his stuff. When is my birthday thing that I have to pick out? I know.

It's in December. It's a long ways away. December. Long ways. It's sort of a birthday Christmas thing. It was all fucking sold out. No, no, no, no, no. It's not a birthday Christmas thing.

You don't get to combine them. My birthday is in June. I do get to combine them. My birthday is in June. Christmas is in December. Then I'll just sign up for something and be like, oh, I blew it. I was going to do it.

Then I blew it. I want to try to make comedy gold out of this cold podcast. You stink. Okay, if I'm going to get you something, I'd deliver. Why don't you stand outside the movie theater? We'll see if we can scalp some tickets. Come on, I'll give you a fucking, I said eight bucks. What movie tickets go for now?

They're $12 at the New Beverly Cinema. Wow. That's a bargain to see those two movies. I know. It's really a fucking bummer. I shouldn't have done your silly podcast, even though I gave the people what they wanted, which was like comedy on comedy on comedy.

I mean, that whole. Nia, they're just happy just to hear your voice. I just hockey bit was, I thought was pretty great. Off the top of the dome. This fucking ridiculous person. All right, that's it. Everybody all improv right up the dome. You should teach a class how to come in,

improv on your husband's podcast, and then fuck up his birthday. That's fantastic. What's your next trick? Nia, you're going to ruin fucking flag day for me. Are you going to ruin father's day for me? I know. You got the whole day.

You got the whole day on mother's day. You got the whole damn day on mother's day. What am I going to get a fucking little tie-tech and a beard brush? Did they make those? All right, that's it. That is the podcast, everybody. That's it for the podcast, everybody.

Thank you so much for joining us. But enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Thamelis, which should be some fucking skid row if we're doing it right. And then there'll be a bonus half hour footage of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a few years ago, whatever.

That's how it works. That's it. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, baby. All right, happy birthday to anybody else's birthday out there, and the rest of you relax. Your day's coming. Oh.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 10th, 2013. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, you red cunt. Happy birthday to me. Yeah.

What's going on? Oh, sorry. Just yelled there. I'm excited. This is the first time I've been doing, been doing this podcast for six years and not once has the have the podcasting gods ever graced me with the podcast that actually fell on my birthday.

And I'm going to go out on a limb here, and I'm going to say despite the fact that there are over 7,458 podcasts on my street alone, that I am the first podcaster to ever host a fucking podcast on his birthday. I'm putting that out there. All right. You can go Wikipedia, Google it,

or do whatever the fuck you want to do with it. I'm telling you, I'm the first one who ever did it. These other guys and women who said that they did it, they're just talking. All right, let's just talk over there. I'm actually fucking doing it. So I don't want you thinking right now. You're like, well, Bill, it's your birthday.

First question everybody asks, how old are you now? I'm 45. Let me tell you something about the fives for all you youngsters out there. It's not the ones. It's not the twos. It's not the sevens. It's the fives.

The fives get you. You know what I mean? 25. You know, 24 kind of scares you, but 25. Fuck. Here we go. Sliding into 30. You know when you're right on top of the fence there, right?

The fucking Berlin Wall, you know, which way am I going to fall? Free side or the countryside, right? Aging is like, it's like reverse progress. So you would actually, when you get to the fives, you fall back over into fucking post-World War II. I guess from now until forever, it's going to be post-World War II, Bill.

You know what the fuck I'm talking about? Whenever they put up that goddamn wall, when did they put it up? They put it up there in Kennedy? Or was it in 1948? Or was that Israel? I don't fucking remember. 35 was a bitch.

They all suck. I'm not going to lie to you. They all suck, but 35 was a bitch. And now 45. I'm sliding into 50. Does that even make sense? I'm still doing pull-ups. How can I be 45 when I'm still doing pull-ups?

That doesn't make any fucking sense. Because when I was a kid, old people, actually nobody worked out when I was a kid. I've never seen my dad try to touch his toes my entire fucking life. I've never seen him do a jumping jack. I never saw any of his friends. None of them.

They just rolled out of bed, you know? Sat on the side of the bed for a second, going, oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God, I'm tired. And then they get up, brush their teeth, take a shower, put on some clothes, have bacon and eggs, and go out to work. You know?

And then they fucking come home. They walk through the door and be like, all right, all right, call it! Everybody would shut the fuck up, and then they'd sit down, and they'd eat their fucking beef stew, and then they'd go in the living room. They'd sit down in their chair.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Fucking tired. What? What'd you do today? Billy, listen, I'm tired, okay? All right, just go to your room. Go to your room. Then they'd watch a little bit of TV, right? And within two hours, their fucking head was just bad.

All right, and that was that day. There was no working out whatsoever. There was maybe like two people who still do pull-ups at 45 when I was a kid. And it was like Johnny Weissmiller, and that guy who did the juicer, who used to dress like Arthur Fonzarelli when he worked on Cars on Happy Days.

I want to, three o'clock. Hey, do you know something? I tell you this, I actually, I can't remember, because I did that quick podcast in the middle of the week. I did an episode of Nick Kroll's show, and I got to work with Ron Howard's dad. And he was, you know, he was in Cool Hand Luke, and he actually told me stories about being in the...

I guess he's in, he had a small role, and he's in the last scene where Cool Hand Luke. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, spoiler alert, all right? Stick your fingers in your ears and go... for the next fucking 10 seconds, all right? Because I don't want to hear your shit. And at the end of the movie,

when Cool Hand Luke gets shot in the church, he's part of the cops, you know, that had taken him out. And then that, what we've got here, that guy says, no, we'll take him from here. He's in that scene. Absolutely legendary, and he said they shot it up in Bakersfield, California. So there you go.

And the guy was hilarious. I think he was like 85 years old, improv, and still sharp as hell. It was awesome. Great, great guy. So thanks to Kroll Show, and Nick Kroll for getting me on, because if he didn't, I wouldn't have had that experience.

And please watch the Kroll Show, because I think that dude's a fucking genius. There you go. Look at that on my birthday, hyping somebody else's project. That isn't right. That isn't right at all. It's very generous. Why are you being a martyr, Bill?

Huh? Don't cry for me, fucking Billy. I'm gonna hype something right now. Hey, Bill, nobody's stopping you. It's just stupid podcast. All right. Fucking grumpy cunt. Tickets

for the Billy Red State Tour are now on sale for a number of the venues, specifically, my first two dates. One in Boise, Idaho, and the other one in Bozeman. Hope I'm saying that right, Montana.

The last state in the union that I've never been to. And here's the deal. You know, a lot of East Coast comics, like myself, we never traveled these states, unless we're doing some college gig or some shit, but we usually don't come through here.

So it would be great if you guys gave me some wonderful stories to tell all my fucking hilarious comedian friends about where to go to play, you know? Hi, Montana. You want the sensation?

The teen idol sensation? Joe fucking DeRosa to grace big-sky country. Well, then, goddammit, sell a pair of your wrangler jeans, get off the meth, whatever you gotta fucking do, and come down to my show.

I'm just fucking with you guys. I'm hoping that I'm going to sell tickets out there, what it really is. And I'm nervous that I'm not going to, which is why I'm already trying to guilt you guys into the fact that I'm going to spread rumors that you guys don't like East Coast comics, even though I'm a Hollywood sellout out here.

So anyways, that's the deal. The Billy Red State Tour is coming to a state near you, makes stops in Idaho, Montana, South Dakota, obscure places in Colorado. I don't have the dates in front of me. Kansas, Oklahoma,

and El Paso, Texas is where it wraps up. And we'd love to see you. I'm working on a badass t-shirt that I'm going to be selling, and selling only on the Red State Tour. And that's it, all right? There you go. I'm done plugging the shit.

So let's get on to this movie that I wanted to see until I saw the rating. And now it's fucking annoying the shit out of me is, you know, it's the summer season. You know, there's actually a wonderful movie coming up called The Heat

that a certain someone might be in. If you watch the trailer, The Heat starring Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy, if you guys could hook me up and go buy a movie ticket to that one, that would be tremendous. And, you know,

it would be something that I would enjoy. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ah, shit. Is it any wonder why they don't have me do press for anything? Where the fuck, Brad Pitt? I'm looking this up right now. War Z.

What is the name of this fucking movie? World War Z. Oh, there we go. Now, here's a fucking movie. Here's a guy. There's a fucking movie that I wanted to see. Brad Pitt, World War Z. End of the fucking world. Right?

There's zombies. There's just shit. The world as we know it will not exist in, I don't know how many days. One of the great fucking lines, the kind of line that makes me want to get off my fucking couch, you know, put on my slippers,

put on a smoking jacket and go down to the local movie theater and take in a picture, right? And then at the end of it, it's the end of the goddamn world. World War Z. What? I don't even know what that is.

It was World War I, World War II. They said fuck all the numbers, right through infinity. Fuck the entire alphabet all the way to the last letter. World War Z. I'm fucking, I'm there. I gotta see this shit. And then in the end, what do they do to me? Rated PG-13.

Oh, go fuck yourself. All right? And that's not to go fuck yourself to Brad Pitt or the director or anybody else that I'm trying not to burn a bridge with. It's a fuck you to the cunts. I know that that was a rated R movie.

In fact, I've heard that it was and they fucking took the knees out of it and they fucking drag it down into PG-13. All right? I don't give a fuck who you are. If the world is ending and you're getting chased by zombies, you're not running around going,

oh golly gee, oh heck. Crying in his ah, Jiminy cricket. And once every 10 minutes you go, ah shit. You know? You don't. It's the end of the world with zombies. From the beginning,

once they discover the zombies to the end of that movie where they hopefully solve the problem, should be a bunch of people. Wait, 85% of the people going fuck, what the fuck are we gonna do? I gotta fucking solve these. And then the other 15%

should be grabbing them by the shoulders going for Christ's sake, get a fucking hold of yourself. Right? That should be most of the dialogue in that movie. But now, I don't know why I just said it that way. Now it's PG-13.

So what are they gonna do? What's gonna happen? You know, have some metaphor for why we should not stop using fucking plastic water bottles. Are they gonna weave that into the storyline? You know, you know what's funny? I actually tweeted.

I have to admit that. I hang my head in shame, but I did tweet. And I do still consider myself a man. Even saying that out loud. Say it again, Bill. I tweeted. I said zombie movies are rated R. Hashtag World War Z. And most people agreed.

That's just one cunt goes. I have to respectfully disagree. Said the success of the walking dead. That's what he said. Said the success of the walking dead. Fucking Twitter hack. It's just like, oh, that's a great idea.

I see that business model. So let me get this straight. I'm gonna spend over, fucking, $150 million of my money making a zombie movie. And I'm gonna make it no more fucking crazier than what people can sit at home on their couch and watch.

That's what the fuck you're telling me? That's that right there. That's your business model. That makes sense to you. Forget about all the cunts who are gonna steal the movie anyways. Or just, man, I'll just wait a few weeks and then I'll watch it on fucking whatever. Right?

You want to get them out? You want to get them excited, see? To come down and go see the picture. And a big screen. That's the best gal. Right? You're gonna make it, you know what? Why don't you just make according to Jim's World War Z?

You know? No disrespect to Jim or according. Right? I'm just saying, what the fuck? What is the purpose? It's like when you go out to your favorite pizza place. If you could make the pizza just as good

at home, you wouldn't fucking go out there. Or if someone would just show up to your fucking house and step out of your TV and go, here's your fucking pizza. You're not going. Why the fuck would you make a PG-13 zombie fucking movie?

Could somebody for the love of fucking God explain that to me? They've been doing that lately. All right? Super hero movies should also be rated R. Unless you're doing one of those douchey ones that nobody cares about. All right?

The other ones, Batman, Captain America, all that shit should all be rated R. Those superheroes are not for kids. Those are for adults who don't know how to fight and want to live through somebody else who actually has a six pack. That's what those movies are for.

I feel. You know? And I actually think that I would take, I would actually go, if I ever made a fucking superhero movie, I would go for the NC-17. You know? You remember in Spider-Man when he's hanging upside down

and the fucking girls kissing him? Right? He would have been hanging a little bit lower if you know what I mean. He'd still be upside down but he would be hanging a little bit lower. Come on, people. Do the math. Somewhere between 68 and 70

is what I'm talking about. All right? That's how that fucking scene would have gone down. Okay? And fuck all these critics who would be like, oh my God, that's absolutely horrific. Stan Lynch must be fucking rolling over on his futon because they never gave him the money he deserved for creating the character

and I would be like, I stand by it. I stand by it. This is the Peter Parker that everyone knew existed but no one wanted to see. You know? He'd be hanging upside down just as soon as fucking Spider-Dick right in the mouth.

Okay? You know why? Because he's... Because he's Spider-Man. All right? Half-Man, half-Spider using the power for good and he still has a day job.

Still has a fucking day job. Isn't that great? Mito, what a common man. He's not like Bruce Wayne walking around at all these fucking eyes wide shut parties. You know? How many tuxedos does Bruce Wayne own?

And how did he make his money? You know? I know all these comic book people have losing their fucking minds because I don't know anything about the backstory about any of these fucking people and I don't give a shit. All right? What did he do? How did he inherit money

when both his parents got shot in the alley? There, there, your parents got killed? Is that what the money he's spending? He's never working. He's never at work. In any of those fucking movies. It's always going over to the mayor's house.

He's a fucking trust fund kid. Peter Parker still works for the school paper or whatever. I'm working for fucking Jameson, a guy named after Whiskey. All right, that's your guy. And I liked when he wore the black suit too.

I think that that one looked better. You know? And the suit started controlling him. I didn't like that. They made Peter look weak. All right. You know, you know, I'm in over my fucking head when I'm talking about goddamn superheroes here.

All right, what are we doing here? 17 minutes in and it's time it's time to talk to you about how you can shave better. Hey everybody, I like doing the shaven ones. This makes me feel like the old days like when you used to watch baseball and everything was about your fucking balls

or cologne, right? Or boozing. Aqua-Velva. Old spice. Put it on your nuts, all right? All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Get a good shave. Getting a good shave can be a real pain in the a-shh.

Searching around through 50 different brands, matching new blades to old handles, bullshit features where your razor doubles as a flashlight, vibrator, toothpick, 20 bucks for a new razor. It's a complete ripoff. I talked to you guys about this.

The blades locked behind glass, right? Like they're bars of gold. You know, why are people stealing them? Because they're a friggin' ripoff, all right? Friggin'. You can tell them to read and advertising. They're even cursing in this. In the copy here. So to hell with it.

It's a fucking ripoff. 20 bucks for a new razor. To hell with that. Go to dollarshave.com to get high quality razors delivered to your door for just a couple of bucks a month. They've made it so simple that you can get a new razor sent on schedule so you never have to think about it ever again.

Every month you get a new pack. Every week you change your blade, all right? And it costs a fraction of what you pay at retail. All right? I want you to try it. Go to dollarshaveclub.com You'll get a free sample of Dr. Cavers Easy Shave Butter

which is awesome with your first shipment. Also makes the perfect father's day gift. The Dollar Shave Club is something he can actually use. All right. Would you like to watch TV a little bit better, everybody? Would you like to watch it more efficiently?

Well, I got something for you. He says pointing at you with his freckled index finger. Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus. You've tried streaming hit shows on your PC on hula.com. Now it's time to start your free trial of exclusive content in your living room

and on your mobile devices on Hulu Plus. This is why I love this thing. Your smart phone whatever the hell you go on your tablet I believe is what they say. Hey, Bill, why don't you just read the copy? With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch

thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Use Hulu Plus on connected TVs, game consoles, Blu-ray players, Roku, Apple TV, PC, or watch from anywhere on your smart phone or tablet on demand at all times.

And with Hulu Plus, you can binge on full seasons. Watch your favorite current shows and even full series runs of classic TV shows. It's endless. They got community, modern family, South Park, SNL, Monday Night Raw, The Man Show, Jimmy Kimmel, Family Guy, and more.

Hulu Plus is only $7.99 a month. Look at this. You get blades delivered right to your house. You got TV wherever you want. It's unbelievable. But right now, they're offering an extended free trial of Hulu Plus that is only available to the podcast listeners.

Take control of your TV. Watching experience, go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial. Or go to huluplus.com Again, the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com

or go to huluplus.com This right here, Hulu Plus. This is the future. This is the way you're going to watch TV. You're only going to watch what you want to watch and you're going to watch it when you want to watch. All righty, there you go. Okay, back to the podcast here. Where the fuck's the fucking

podcast, you cunt? Oh, there's a question somebody had. Hey, Bill Bow Faggins. Now, people, let's try to keep the homophobia down a little bit. He says, I went to see your show in Denmark a couple of years ago. Or a year.

I don't fucking remember. Are you going to do some more shows in Europe, preferably in Scandinavia? Thanks. Why? Yes. Yes, I am. I'm going to be coming over to Europe in the beginning of December. I'm going to go all Howard Dean here. We're going to start in Ireland.

We're going to go over to England. I'm going to start in Ireland. I haven't looked at the dates yet, but I imagine I'm going to go to all the places that I've been to before and maybe add another couple of cities. But I'm hoping to go Ireland, Scotland, England, Denmark,

Norway, Sweden, and Finland again. And who knows? Maybe I can add something else. Maybe in... Where the hell else could I go? I know if you get too far south in Europe, they start to like more.

They're still on that Benny Hill shit. Where they want to... They want to see that shit. They're very into like slapstick and pratfalls. I don't know if that's true. I'm not trying to insult anybody in France. Italy or whatever. I heard you can get halfway through Germany.

Amsterdam or Rotterdam are some of those places that I've been to. Or some other places. Maybe I could do some stand-up, but I'd love to do it. I'm trying to keep up on what's going on over there. Over in Europe. What's going on over in Europe, everybody? It's time for a new

segment called What's Going On in Europe? Delivered by an ignorant American. Well, evidently, there's floods in Germany. On this river that goes all the way down to the Czech Republic. And they're... moving people out. And that story made me sick to my stomach.

Just having water damage in my house. I can't imagine an entire fucking river coming through my house. So my condolences to everybody out there. Vladimir Putin is getting a divorce from his fucking wife. You know? She doesn't like to be in the spotlight.

You know? He likes going out there and lifting up little boys' shirts and blowing bubbles on their stomachs in front of the press. They're just too stiff. They've grown apart. The kids are grown up. They go in their separate ways. I think...

I think Vladimir wants a nice hot piece of ass. You know, like in 2008, they speculated that he was banging some chick or was going to marry some chick. And... And as far as I can tell with my ignorance, they put that paper out of business. And I have to tell you,

as fucked up as this country is becoming, it's still way better, you know, because you don't have to deal with stuff like that, although I am a little disturbed with Obama going to China to be like, well, hey, how do you censor your fucking... How do you censor your people

to be doing the right thing for? You know? I don't know. See, and there you go. And that's what's going on in the world. I know what's going on. We're Turkey. They're having those protests over there. It all started off with a bunch of hippies because they were cutting down the trees

in the park and wanted to put up a strip mall and all the hippies in Turkey were like, hey, man, that's not cool, man. It started with that shit and then all of a sudden everybody just snapped. It was like, by the way, you know, fuck the police and all this other shit.

I like keeping up on that stuff lately. I mean, going to that Al Jazeera England, English, whatever, which I was saying on the Wednesday, the special one, that I thought that the Al Jazeera, and I know a lot of people listen to that right now, like, what are you, a fucking terrorist? That's what I thought,

because lately I've noticed Al Jazeera's been on, like, your TV, my TV's in hotel rooms, and I'm like, what the fuck did they got this terrorist channel on here for? And for those of you overseeing, listening to this and laughing, you have to understand that the only thing that we've seen,

unless you seek it out over here, is when they would broadcast Americans getting their heads sought off by, you know, Al Qaeda. That's the only thing we saw and the way they would frame it would be like, and they actually televised this on the news channel.

So I just assumed that, like, that was like, you know, like Ted Turner has TNT and TBS. I thought Osama bin Laden with that oil money, you know, that was his TNT, like Al Jazeera. But

I've actually found it really fucking interesting, and it's great to see, I don't know, it's great to just read about other countries. It's not, it's not, you know, it's not what you think it is, and I'm not saying that they don't trash the US, but it's kind of interesting

to read the criticism to hear their perception of what's going on here. I'm not saying that they're 100%, right? Not saying they're 100% wrong. Oh, Bill, we get it. You're trying to broaden your horizons. So I've been checking out that and somebody told me also to check out BBC World

and whatever. I know they're all full of shit to some extent, they all have their angle, but it's, you know, you get enough angles of shit, maybe you can stand in the middle of that shit storm and you know. Plus, I'm hedging my bets,

you know, when the dollar collapses over here, hopefully at that point I can maybe then do a Billy Red State tour over in fucking, I don't know, India? I don't fucking know. Speaking of which, this is another great reason

to go to Al Jazeera, because for those of you Americans who just think it's a terrorist thing, from around the world that you're not going to hear about, here's one for you, referees sentenced for sex bribe in Singapore. Lebanese linemen

plead guilty to accepting sexual favors in exchange for agreeing to fix a football match. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Why wouldn't you just get a hooker? You know, why wouldn't you just get

just go look at some online porn? Good lord. Go to a bar, say hello to somebody. How fucking late? I mean, I don't understand it. I want to see what these guys look like, but here's the story. Three Lebanese football players

and football referees, sorry, have pled guilty to accepting free sex charges from a gambling-linked global syndicate in return for agreeing to rig a match with the Singapore judge jailing to and deferring sentencing for a third.

The third guy just got a handjob. Or maybe he was the creep who just liked to watch. A district court judge on Monday jailed assistant referee. I'm not saying their fucking names. I'll talk about the first name. Ali Abdallah. Ha, ha, he gave him three months.

And then the third referee, Ali, another Ali. Ali, I think over there is that's like somebody named Mike, at least back in the day before they started naming kids Dakota. The assistant referees broke down into sobs when the judge Lao Lo Wee Ping

Lo Wee Ping mother fucker said they could be freed by later on Monday or Tuesday after remission for good behavior and due to time already served awaiting their sentences. They fucking broke down and cried. All right, let me tell you something.

I don't know much about going to prison, but I know you don't want to fucking cry going into prison. I don't think you want to do that. I really don't. Unless maybe they're crying because maybe they just they're

putting them into the regular jail with all the fucking rapists and that type of shit. And they got to somehow not get fucked in the ass until Monday or Tuesday. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine the calories you would burn just by stressing that someone was going to fucking rape you

in the goddamn booty hole? You know what I mean? I would just think the quivering alone would be like walking on a treadmill at like, you know, 3.1. I don't even want to get into that. Actually, that was a rape joke, right? Is that fucking

failed comic turned blogger going to give me shit about it? You know, I did comedy for a minute and wasn't successful and these are the jokes that I think people should be doing. Did you guys see that thing where Jim Norton was on with that blogger person?

I was just fucking, was hilarious. She was saying that comedy clubs were filled, were basements filled with angry men and she was coming off is quite angry herself. The whole thing was fucking hilarious. And this is the thing about people who get offended by comedy.

I want to see somebody get outside of their own box. You know? I want to see the fat person in the crowd get offended by, I don't know. I don't know what, pick a topic, a different topic.

I'm trying to think. Okay, a fat guy get offended by a monogynistic material. Have the dog lover, the Peter person get offended by fucking, I don't know, rape jokes or whatever, whatever the fuck

gives a fuck. You know what I mean? Who goes to a comedy club and takes jokes seriously, especially as a stand up comedian? You know what I mean? I just, for the life of me I'll never fucking understand that. I don't know.

I had the right when I came up to fucking talk about whatever I wanted to talk about and I failed miserably. And I flailed and I made big mistakes and I offended people in the crowd and all of that fucking shit.

But that was all part of learning to become a comic. Finding what it is you're supposed to be doing on stage. It's part of the learning process. So to try and fucking just cut that off. I don't know. I think it was really just a publicity stunt.

You know, when you write open letter to white male comics, right there, how much harder could you be trying to be like a lightning rod? I don't fucking get that. Hey, I played guitar for like six, seven years and I'm offended

by the chords Eric Clapton is using. And if you're listening to this, you angry blogger, I'm just fucking around. It's just jokes before you get your fucking panties in a goddamn bunch again. But maybe that's what you should do and then you can get on another

talk show and discuss comedy. Anyways, plowing ahead. By the way, I thought Jim was great on it. I thought he was fucking. I thought he was tremendous. Alright, there we go. What else am I talking about here? You know, I sold

lemonade, you know, streetside for like three weeks when I was a kid and I would like to talk to the people that lived in iced tea about some of the things that they're doing with their iced tea and lemonade. You know, I don't like the Arnold Palmer.

I feel that they should be separate. Alright, I'm sorry. What am I talking about here? Let's get back to the podcast. Alright. Can we do that bill for the love of fucking God? Oh, my apologies to the Chicago Blackhawks, by the way. My apologies to the Chicago Blackhawks.

I thought the LA Kings were going to beat you guys. I really did. My god damn it. I'm not, don't even act like you didn't age during both of those games since the last time I said that. And I got to tell you, a lot of Blackhawk fans really confident talking a lot of shit on my Twitter.

It's almost as if the Bruins didn't just sweep the fucking Pittsburgh Penguins. I guess that doesn't mean anything to them. I'm impressed with the way that they beat the LA Kings. Evidently, they're not too impressed

with sweeping the Pittsburgh Penguins. And by the way, did anybody watch the after the Bruins won? Did anybody watch the Sydney Crosby press conference? That dude would not give it up to the Bruins

on any fucking level whatsoever. They would be like, you know, you were held scoreless. You had zero points through four games in a playoff game. That's never happened to you ever in the history of your being the Wayne Gretzky of right now.

Why do you think that was? And he's just like, I don't know, you know, I don't know. It was weird. It was like, you know, I don't know. They go, do you think it was the goaltending team? He's like, no, no, that wasn't it. Yeah, I don't think so.

Wasn't the goaltending we had our opportunities and just wouldn't go in. What do you think? Because maybe they blocked the shots and they were playing good. No, that wasn't that either. Then what was it, Sydney? I actually respected her on some level

that he was such a competitor that he was still competing with the Bruins even though the series was over. He just didn't give them credit on any fucking level for completely disrupting his game four straight games in a row. You know,

I mean, I'm look, I was as dumbfounded as anybody that we swept him, but I mean I didn't have any questions at the end. The answers to all of those questions were sitting on the other bench and he didn't give it up. He didn't give it up, but you know what?

Dude, by the way, how many teeth did that guy fucking lose, man? Holy shit, that guy is like what is that? It was 1 to 16 up top. 17 to 32 on the bottom. Halfway between

17 and 32, we'll say that's like numbers 25. He lost like teeth number 25, 26, 27 and at least 28 if not 29. He lost either four or five fucking teeth right down the bottom, man.

Jesus do you guys ever see that? Like you want to talk how tough hockey players are and I include Sidney Crosby in that as much as I call him the pouty lipped Cub Scout. That fucking dude took a sl- I mean somebody, I forget I can't remember who. The puck deflected

off somebody's stick and caught him right in the fucking face broke his jaw and knocked out. It looks anywhere from three to five teeth they literally flew out of his mouth and the fucking dude gets up and skates off the ice

with the trainers and you know I guarantee you within five days he was skating again I don't know I could never do that. So anyways so here we are, the original six the original six are in the Stanley Cup we got an original six for the first

time since 1979 when the Montreal Canadian French Cuts were playing the the New York Rangers so I'm really excited about that this is great for hockey and I think it's going to be a great series and you know I actually watched those last two

games and I want to say if Brian Billik and Malan Luciic are out on the ice at the same time that's going to be fucking unbelievable because those are two of the biggest dudes in the league and it's I think it's going to be

a fucking awesome series and I hope it doesn't go six I want this thing to go seven I hope it's going to be a classic like I said the NHL is going to be on the cover and the NHL playoffs are on the cover of sports illustrated under the headline the best and it's just a great time for hockey and if they had

there's a great you know Stanley Cup final you know maybe they'll get a little more respect and obviously of course I want my Bruins to win and I'm thinking about going to a game I might go in Chicago you know I already went to a playoff game when I was back

in Boston and plus I love those Chicago jerseys the red ones I think it was one of my favorite ones in the league and I want to go there and I won't be a cunt I'm not going to show up with my Bruins shit I'm just going to sit there historically and when the Bruins score and hopefully win the fucking game you know

I won't do anything to get the shit kicked out of me and I'll go back to my rented fucking Chevy Malibu and I'll drive back to fucking O'Hare and that'll be it and I'll have that experience speaking of experiences it is my birthday everybody and I want to thank everyone who wished me a happy

birthday and what was I going to say people are you know my friends and family in life were asking me you know what I wanted for my birthday and I told all of them nothing look at me

don't buy me anything just like Jimmy and good fellas alright I've learned something through the water damage that I had in my house when I took everything out of my fucking closets in these couple of rooms I have so much fucking shit

that I have not used or even looked at in years and I already gave away my friend Tarkington Jersey I know some people were asking whether it was still available I gave that away the first guy I read like 20 emails

before I got to this guy and he actually brought up like Alan Page, Jim Marshall, Carl Eller Paul Krause Chuck Foreman, Fred Cox right back when men were named after dicks you know

and he knew all that shit so I said fuck it I'll give it to that person and if the person who has it is listening please take a picture yourself in the jersey send it to me I'll put it up on the podcast page if you want if you want a little

little fucking shout out and actually we'll stop people from suggesting that I would say that there's a giveaway when there is no giveaway so anyways yeah I don't want any more shit I'm not buying any more sports t-shirts because I get sentimental value

and I can't fucking throw them out and from here on out I'm just buying those Malcolm Young solid color fucking t-shirts and when they wear out I throw them out because they don't mean shit to me and no I gotta do it man I gotta fucking get rid of all my goddamn shit

so today what I'm doing for my birthday is I think I'm gonna go to the gun range and I'm gonna go drive out into the desert one or the other one or the other I don't know if I'm gonna go over the gun I usually go over the gun range when somebody knows what the fuck they're doing I don't like going over there by myself

and just renting a gun but I gotta tell you it's oddly fucking relaxing who's kidding who I'm 45 fucking years old what I'm not gonna do shit for my birthday all right I'm doing my goddamn podcast and I might go drive out to the desert because I just want I always wanted to do that because I'm a nerd all right

that's it okay so here we go here's the here's some questions for this week oh casino carpets this says part three the final answer this is like a trilogy like one of those spaces you know what now I feel bad that I

fucking came down on that girl who was fucking blogging and the shit calling her failed comic like I fucking know you know what it is if she's still fucking listening if somebody gives her this part of it you know what it really is is I just can't believe a fellow comic would fucking

attack I just can criticize it with with that angle you know what I mean to shrink it down and make it smaller it just blows my fucking mind I'm just disappointed

disappointed I guess is more the word the shit I said before I said out of fucking anger I didn't mean that shit but it just fucking you know what I mean I've been doing this shit 21 years and I'm still learning stuff there's no shit about the art there's no fucking way I would go on television and start

you know criticizing other fucking and not to mention like this whole fucking thing like there's all these rape jokes being told is just so fucking inaccurate like you just walk into a comedy club and everybody's like

I'm trying to think the only person I can actually think of the only rape joke that I that really stands out that I remember was Jim Norton he did a hilarious one he was talking about going to prison and somebody said Jim would you you think he'd get raped

if you went to prison and he goes look at me I would get raped on the bus ride in the way into prison or something like that I butchered the joke and it was funny so I don't know I just think you know the last thing stand up needs

is for fellow comics to be fucking trying to mold it into what the fuck they as an individual think it should be that's just beyond me why did I get into this shit I don't fucking know you know why cause it bugs me

alright here we go casino carpets part 3 the final answer I installed carpet for 6 years that guy was only half right that was the guy last week who claimed that the carpeting is actually really expensive and it's a really really

high quality and so I guess it's easier to clean so I came with the fuck he said Jesus Christ he said yes the casino carpets are a commercial grade carpet yes they last a long time but they aren't crazy colors and designs because it makes the carpets

last longer the colors and design are a to hide stains when you spill a big strawberry margarita on a solid blue carpet this the stain will be plain as day with wacky designs and colors you can't spot a spilled drink

oh cool B it hides the seams of the carpet carpet comes in 12 or 15 foot wide rolls commercial carpets are usually 15 that means for every 15 feet in width you will have a full seam

it was a solid color you would see a straight line in the carpet for the entire length of the room the colors and it breaks up the seam like camouflage there you go love the podcast come to Tulsa sometime and go fuck yourself oh thank you I am coming to Tulsa on the

Billy red state tour alright ex-defense minister from Canada speaks out about speaks about see this is once again not my fault this person writes ex-defense minister from Canada speaks about out about

aliens out about aliens or speaks out about aliens or does he speak about out about aliens see what I am saying this isn't always me alright Bill love the podcast

free lasts every week they are much appreciated yada yada yada I thought you might like this link as you are a big conspiracy theory a big conspiracy theorist you mean he said it is the former Canadian defense administrator

no Canadian defense minister giving some bold claims about several species of aliens living among us and actually working with elements in the government not only that but a shadowy cabal CABAL

I don't know comprised of the council on foreign relations the builder burgers the trilateral commission you can't the international banking cartel the oil cartels

members of various intelligence organizations one world government check it out sir the last thing I am going to do is look at this I will put the link up there fuck it I will look at it right now this shit just freaks me out and makes me depressed because there is nothing I can do about it

ok now how is this going to help me sir if I find out there is actually aliens living among us talking to international bankers you know am I going to come walking in bursting into their meeting like the end of a feel good movie

you know like hey man the people have spoken and they like me alright here we go I got it right here Canada's former minister of national defense Paul Hayler testifies at the citizens hearing on disclosure

what the fuck am I last month in Washington D.C. that aliens are living among us and that it is likely at least two of them are working with the U.S. government wow this guy sounds like he is out of his fucking mind let's

let's kind of flip the script here let's say you are an alien alright whoever is listening to this still who believes in aliens who isn't blogging about my reaction to the blogger and you go to another fucking solar system another galaxy whatever the fucking terminology is

and you land there okay what are you going to do other than try and get blended blend in so people don't chop your fucking alien head off like how exactly did this fucking alien get infiltrate the government

this is like Mr. Smith goes to Washington the alien just lands and just goes okay I mean how come he didn't do this in Argentina he picks the United States goes right into fucking Washington D.C. walks into the Capitol building as somebody is filler bustering

so they can't make an electric car or whatever comes right out on the house floor and then does what you know security comes up tries to shoot him and he just puts his hands up and their guns turn into like chocolate bars or fall to the ground and then for some reason

everybody in their suits doesn't scramble and freak the fuck out you know you just fucking walk out there relax relax relax it's a simple technology that you guys will discover

if you become friends with me how to turn a fucking gun into some melted shit that doesn't let people shoot you I am from the planet Zoltar right he always begins with a Z how does that work like if you were a fucking alien

and you went to another goddamn planet exactly I guess okay you'd be like alright if there's a bunch of different nations which one seems to be running shit I gotta chop the head off and you just gonna want you and you and a buddy two of you gonna walk in fucking arm and arm

and do what yeah listen I think just a simple fact that we were able to get here you know the kind of firepower that we're capable of for some fucking reason we want to take over this planet or we want you guys to do shit

the way we feel that it should be done who would want that fucking headache I don't know that I believe this shit anyways he believes hell yeah whose beliefs on extraterrestrial life and UFOs are well established made the statements

at the non-governmental hearings chaired by six former US congressmen and aimed at according to the events website doing what the US congress had failed to do for 45 years seek out the facts surrounding the most important issue of this or any other time

evidence pointing towards an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race alright you know what even I have my limits when it comes to that type of shit alright I don't think that's the most pressing thing I would say us fucking up the environment

world population and that type of shit is a little more unless you want to throw more people from other galaxies also living here do they drink bottled water too hahahaha alright here we go people evoice

alright evoice is the reason why you're going to make more money in 2013 when your customers call you have your own toll free number professional greeting dial by number name directory and more you'll sound like a fortune 5 company even though you're still in your cubicle and blow away your competitors

evoice lets you give out one number that rings wherever you are the beach the bar doesn't matter you sound like you're at the office you got to go to evoice.com and use the promo code build evoice even takes all your voicemails transcribes them and sends them to you instantly as a text or an email

so you can check voicemails before the meeting ends and not look rude evoice is only 10 bucks a month right now listening to my podcast you can get a free trial of evoice for 30 days stop what you're doing hit pause stop listening to this podcast right now

set up your evoice free trial and see what I'm talking about it's a great way to support my podcast and an easy way to make more money this year go to evoice.com promo code build that's evoice.com promo code build or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the evoice banner

right now okay the man great system everybody this father's day think the man great what is the man great you asked they are 100% made in america cast iron grilling grates that are revolutionizing the way people grill heavy-duty grilling grates

deliver exactly what you need to achieve that perfect steakhouse flavor chicken steak or veggies will never have tasted so good no more flare ups no more dry meat guaranteed name one of 2012's best grilling accessories by men's health magazine man greats are the perfect

gift for dad this father's day how do you get them well you go to mangreat.com and enter the coupon code b-u-r-r for their 1999 father's day special or click the man great banner on the show website sorry 100% made in america cast iron

100% steakhouse quality grilling in your backyard remember each monday morning podcast order comes with a heavy-duty grilling brush again that's the man great grill enhancement system order today mangreat.com mangreat.com and enter the coupon code b-u-r-r at the checkout

and last but certainly not least legal zoom america was built by innovators and dreamers people like nicola tesla chrestin tucker and thomas crapper but it's the inventors and entrepreneurs all around us people like you that make

america such a great country this month legal zoom.com celebrates innovators inventions and people who want to get out of their jobs by helping you launch your own dream apply for a patent to secure your invention hang in there bill you can do it register your trademark

to protect your product and services incorporate or form an LLC and launch your business dream just call or visit legal zoom.com and they'll take care of you from start to finish they've already helped about a million businesses get started right celebrate innovations with legal zoom

and for a limited time get a special price on trademark copyright and patent applications by using the referral code burr b-u-r-r at checkout protect your creations and launch your dream at legal zoom.com legal zoom can provide self-help services at your specific

application or they can connect you to an attorney but they're not a law firm don't forget to use that referral code burr b-u-r-r all right there you go here we are winding down the final minutes

of the podcast let me close this right here I don't want to save that fuck this happens every goddamn week all right here we go this is about an older lady I'm a 29 year old guy

and for the last two years I have been seeing an incredibly amazing woman that is 13 years older than me and you know what it's not going to work out sir because you're 29 and she's fucking 42

you know that doesn't seem to work out women can do that but they can do it you know didn't you learn anything with Ashton Kutcher and it's going to happen you know

when you're 37 she's going to be 50 come on 37 you can still pull a 27 year old you're coming home to her right she's starting to get hot flashes she's taking Gerritol I mean it's not going to work I'm sorry

let me continue she's sexy we have a lot of common interest we talked about what direction our relationship was going to take very early on and we decided that keeping it casual was the way to go smart move smart move now what is taking a casual me

that means I fuck you once every six weeks in my birthday in my birthday in my book you know what it is it's my birthday and I want to get on with it I want to go drive out to the desert that's what it was I didn't commit to each other in any

official sense but neither of us saw anyone else well Jesus Christ now you're going to catch feelings for over the two years I fell in love with her there you go and wanted to commit so we could make a real go of it I fucked up though I never confessed

those feelings to her I was afraid of things eventually hitting a wall because of the age difference so I felt safer not telling her she recently told me she has wanted the same things I do this whole time but she has now met someone closer to her own age promising the real relationship I never gave her

I believe she has feelings for me but thinks this is the best choice for her what do I do do I stand up and fight for what I want consequences be damned or should I let her go and accept that age difference is an insurmountable problem on a side note I've been in many relationships

I know myself well enough to know the difference between love and infatuation well that if you know the difference I would go for what you want as an outsider I would say let her go and even though you know the difference between love and infatuation

do you want to have a family sir you know because if you do you need to marry this girl in a week and start pumping out the fucking kids because she's already 42 are you ready to do that because if you're not you gotta let her go alright

that's all I got to say I'm sorry that's all I got on that one alright wife not down with with nose job wife not down with nose job alright dear billy boy love the podcast love to stand up thanks for that well you're welcome

thank you for thank you for typing that because I'm a 31 year old guy I'm happily married to a usually supported wife I've never been too much of a self-conscious person but ever since I was a teenager if there was one thing I could change

about my physical appearance it would be my nose it's a little big and has a bump on the ridge now okay you said reference the profile on Nikolai Tesla or the ruler Constantine

to get the idea obviously a giant nose with the severe acne was immediate fuel for insult through junior high school for the hordes of 14 year olds I vowed that one day oh I'm sorry I'm just a fucking worse

I vowed that one day I would get a nose job to boost my self-esteem well I am now in a position where I can pay to have the surgery I used to ask my wife a few years back what she thought about and she said that if it makes me happy then do it however now that I am closer to having one having

it done she seems to have changed her mind she says that she could she couldn't get used to seeing me look different and isn't sure if she'll like the way the remodeled me looks I'm disappointed because I really want to have it done and wish she would be supportive the thing is my wife is

a self-conscious person and I'm worried that on a small level she thinks that the new me will be more attractive and warrant the attention of more females this is not what I'm this is not why I'm doing this I just want to feel better about myself what should I do thanks for your help

wake up for a second you said your wife is self-conscious and you're worried that on a small level she thinks the new me will be more attractive and warrant the attention of more females as much as you say this isn't why you're doing this I think that's why you're doing it subconsciously

you know I think that that's your thought and you're putting it on your wife you have to understand this your nose that's like the hubby your face okay

if you add a subtract to that you're really changing what you look like okay and every chick out there saw dirty dancing and they all saw what the lead of that movie did she got her nose job and I thought she was fucking adorable in that movie I thought she was beautiful

you know I could never get through the fucking movie but I thought she was hot and then she got her nose job and it was like what did you do look dude your fucking nose makes you unique you should stick with it

stay with it I mean I don't know to get a nose job because people teased you when you were 14 you're better than that alright and you're with your wife she loves you for who you are you know

I listen dude well in the end but they don't exactly have those things down to a science you know what I mean at this point plastic surgery it's like shooting threes

you know most of them most of them don't go in but when they do the crowd goes crazy so there's a chance that you could come out with the nose you want but more times than not I think it's gonna

you want your nose to fucking clang off the front of the rim or even worse shoot a fucking air ball and splat on the fucking hardwood um I would never recommend plastic surgery but dude I know what you're uh I know what you're going through

this shit about myself I don't like that I'm fucking losing my hair and believe me every time those hair commercials come on I fucking sit there and look at them go should I should I and then I always say I'm not gonna but I never rule it out that I wouldn't do it I just keep waiting because every five years it gets better and better and better like how it looks

at this point now they can just vacuum the hair out of the back and just fucking plant it up front um as opposed to having the scars and the hair plugs and having that shit them but I still for some reason I'm not gonna do it um

I don't know why and I don't know why I think about it because I think like I can guarantee you this if women went bald they would all get fucking hair they would all have hair plugs in one generation and then they would all have that type of thing and that always makes me laugh when women

make fun of guys that get like a hair transplant like oh my god as they sit there wearing makeup you know high heels on and everything about them is to fucking enhance you know their looks um but then also I get

why they don't like it you know because I think what they're attracted to is different obviously they don't want to have some troll of a man but uh I think that they they may say this might come back to you they want you to be a fucking man and be comfortable with yourself go out there and swing a goddamn axe and bring

some fucking lumber in for the fire you know they don't want to sit there watching you looking at yourself in the mirror going look at this look at my nose I just don't like how my ears look you know I don't know

this this my advice would be I would think long and fucking hard alright and you told me to look at that picture of like Tesla and Constantine how the fuck you say their names why don't you go look up that chick

before and after who was in Dirty Dancing which is an asshole thing for me to do because I'm sure she had a lot of trauma over that now I'm gonna fucking re-stir the pot um but yeah and then you'll probably be like well that was a nose job from fucking 23 years ago

and I feel like rolling the dice then by all means go for it but uh why don't you do before and after take a picture you know stand into the side like the mug mugshot photo give me a forward into the side and then forward to the side in the end

and this is the deal if you give me a before and I never get an after then I know what happened I'm trying to think what was one of the songs from Dirty Dancing was that that I had the time of my life and I'm dancing with

Patrick Swayze he has really tight slacks and his hair is done better than mine um out throws how hardcore was Patrick Swayze the guy had cancer he's like yeah I'm still smoking

fuck yourself that dude went out like a man you know he really did so did Saddam Hussein to take a total left hand turn alright I can tell you right now if people are about ready to hang me alright and I was I would definitely accept

the hood please put the hood over my face you can't see me blubbering inside of it he said no I don't want the hood he stared down everybody was talking shit ass fuck you go fuck yourself your mother's a whore and they put the rope around his neck and furthermore I said your grandmother's mother's a cunt

I spit on you and that was it alright out throws oh here's the out throws here alright I guess the show is over once again everybody a couple of things if you'd like to buy a hard copy version of my DVD for your old school people you can now do that at billbird.com you can also download it

or you can come out to one of my shows and I'll autograph it for you yeah and if you'd like to donate to this podcast and the Wounded Warrior project go to amazon.com no go to the amazon.com banner on the podcast page of my website click on the son of a bitch

go to Amazon buy whatever the hell you want doesn't change the price they kick me a little thanks for sending them here and then I pass it on some of it 10% of it onto the Wounded Warriors project alright so that's it okay now that the show is over

don't forget to support our sponsors go to go to set up the free trial of Evoist join thousands of entrepreneurs who use their Evoist personal receptionist 24-7 right now get Evoist for 30 days go to evoist.com promo code bill that's evoist.com

promo code bill and Hulu Plus as I mentioned start watching TV your favorite shows right now go to the podcast page at billburr.com click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or huluplus.com slash bill and finally

sign up for Dollar Shave Club forward slash Burr makes a great Father's Day gift you get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of the cost um and that is it ladies and gentlemen that is it that is the podcast for this week please watch the Stanley Cup Finals

if you get a chance for the spurs I'm rooting for the spurs against the Miami Heat I'm doing that you gotta do it okay you gotta do it fundamental basketball

you know every white guy wants that to win you know because that's the best we can bring fundamental basketball there's never been a white Dr. J it just hasn't there's been some white guys we can grow afros there's been a couple of white guys that

can jump a little bit but it's just you know we're picking roll guys hahahaha so um who knows I don't know what's gonna happen I think the inevitable but I'm hoping the spurs are gonna win

um and not even just because that's silly shit that I was just saying about white guy basketball I just love you gotta love when the underdog wins the Bruins gotta be the underdog against the Blackhawks considering the first two games are in Chicago

isn't that right um who knows check it out or go check out Sports Illustrated and read up on some hockey maybe you can get involved in this series it's a great game that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I