Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-20

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

Bill rambles about the weak dying off, sugar rushes, and literal glass houses.

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It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you. Just checking in to see how things are going in your heart of the world during this COVID outbreak. Shout out to all the fucking people who, you know, ran around and did whatever the

fuck they wanted to do. Way to hit the reset button there, fuckos. Way to fuck everyone over. You macho cunts without your mask on. This is fucking bullshit. It's just a governmental fucking. Nice going. Nice going.

And now what are you going to say that the information they're giving us is bullshit? I don't know. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I will say this. I will say this. This is helping me with all of my, you know,

conspiracy theory ways though. When I watch people, when you actually, have you ever been like on the inside and know what the fuck is going on, you know? And then you listen, you watch people just take footage and then they click it and they add it to this and they go over there and then they got this whole fucking

storyline with air quote evidence. Yeah, I noticed that this week. I noticed that this weekend. People just like, I saw this thing, right? That dude on that, that 70s show, right? And somebody you say got arrested for fucking what they call it? Forcible rape, right?

This is how dumb people are on the fucking internet. And I'm one of them. That's why I don't leave comments. You know, better to remain silent than open your mouth and remove all doubt, right? So people, once they see forcible rape, people like as opposed to what? Enjoy it, but right?

Please don't use words like forcible. Please don't act like there's a nicer kind of rape. And then finally a lawyer chimes in. He goes, no, forcible as opposed to statutory or coerced. And then he broke. I would imagine you could just use your words and threaten somebody.

You could drug somebody. And then there's like, what do you call it? The consensual, but the other person wasn't of age. So that's all it was. And all these people got all into their fields, man. Got it right up on their social justice warrior horses and started fucking going off on the air quote idiots, right? So when somebody actually has the fucking knowledge,

steps in to correct them, do these kinds go, oh, my bad, my bad. Sorry, you're right. I got a little emotional there. Sorry. No, nothing. It's nothing. They just, they just fucking wander off to the next thing

that's trending on fucking social media. Then what do they do? They open their fucking pie holes and more shit comes out. It's almost like listening to this podcast. Oh, you see what he did? See what he did? He acts like he's going to be on his high horse. And then he actually, and then in the end,

he's down there in the mud just like everybody else. Well, I'm having a very exciting week. I rearranged my little podcast studio here. Very excited. I got all kinds of shit. I got more goddamn footballs in my fucking house than George Blanda. George Blanda.

One of the great kickers, quarterbacks of all fucking time. I can see one, two, three of them. And I'm not counting all the ones that I got from Sports Illustrated when the Patriots won their six Super Bowl titles there. I'm finally arranging all this shit. Memorabilia and all this stuff. I'm going to get it all in the closet, right? Just like my emotions.

And maybe a little mood lighting in here. Turn it into like, remember when Greg Brady got the fucking upstairs attic, you know, they're not glasses. They're shades, right? And he had the fucking, he'd walk through those beads. Remember that shit back in the day? It was cool to not have a door. You just had beads hanging down from the door jam for like,

you know, like walking through a fucking NFL cornerbacks braids. You just kind of, you parted the seas, you know, and then you just came walking in. But the person could clearly see into it. It was considered really cool. So I would imagine by the time they did it on the Brady Bunch, it was over. Jesus Christ, Bill.

George Blanda, the Brady Bunch. Why don't you come to this side of the fucking turn of the last century? All right. Sorry. I just been living in the past, you know, finished my book on Lou the Toe Grosa. I got a book on Bobby Lane.

I'm going to read now and I'm having whatever I'm having. I'm fucking, you know, I'm letting all you fucking assholes walk around without your mask on. I got vitamin D and some sunshine, man. Fucking CDC. What does that stand for? Can't determine the cause. Oh, you know, at first that was annoyed.

Now I'm just thinking like, you know what, let them, let them fucking just roll around with each other. Maybe they'll all kill each other off. Can you imagine that? Imagine if this is just a giant experiment. Oh, he's going conspiracy theory. You know, well, I'm entitled to my goddamn podcast. What if this was all just a, like all the world leaders

somehow all got on the same page and just said, listen, there's too many people. All right. We're not going to be able to make them stop fucking. Okay. They're going to keep running their yaps, talking shit, taking their dicks out, sticking them in the. Right.

And they're going to just keep making more people. All right. Now we need to get rid of most of them. Okay. But we want to make sure we just get rid of the dumb ones. So they release a virus. Okay. Knowing that the formula is this, the first couple of weeks,

everybody's going to be fucking scared. All right. There'll be some deniers and then eventually everybody will get on board and then they'll get cabin fever. And then what's going to happen is with politics, with the ego, with paranoia and all of that shit, the mouth breathers are going to come out of their houses. They're going to go down to the parks.

They're going to start playing frisbee, you know, because what they're going to do is they're going to make it about themselves. You know what I mean? It's like when anybody gets like fucking in trouble on the internet, right? At first it's about what it's about. And then immediately it becomes about the individual.

Like, why am I not surprised or this is me hearing so and so fucking blah, blah, blah, right? It's like, this isn't about you, you fucking cunt. All of those people, sorry, all of those people wander out of their fucking houses, right? And they start skipping down the fucking street, doing whatever the fucking, and I'm not talking about the Black Lives Matter because that shit, you know,

needed to happen. I'm talking, I'm talking about people who their cause is themselves, those people. You know, at first I was annoyed that they, that they started to spike, you know, like I had a buddy mind. He did a show in this state. He goes, dude, they don't even give a fuck.

They don't even give a fuck about the coronavirus. I was like, dude, neither do you. You fucking went there. You went in there, you got your bag of money, and then you left. And now you're going to play fucking Judge Judy. That ain't how it works. So then they all wander out there and then they get it,

right? And they get it again and then it mutates and then it fucking takes them out. Okay. And then what they'll have left in the end is a bunch of smart people who listen to authority, which is what they want. They want smart people so they can do the jobs they

don't want to do. And then they don't have anybody rebelling. Right? Bill, are you calling yourself a smart guy? No, no, I'm not. I'm calling myself a guy that has enough toys at his house and enough funny bone money laying around that I can fucking ride this thing out a little bit longer.

You know, although I got to tell you that with this new kid and like the amount of shit that a woman buys for a kid, which is great. I mean, this is like, it's like their Super Bowl party for the next fucking 18 years and fucking Amazon, by the way, Amazon, you buy a pacifier. They put it in a fucking refrigerator box. So the last two weeks.

Okay. I put my trash out. I have more trash than I have space in my barrels and my buddy goes, why don't you get another barrel? I go, you don't do that. One of the dumbest things guys do is they buy their wife a bigger house. Oh my God, you know, we have no more closet space.

We have, what then throw the shit out? Don't throw it out. Give it away to people. You throw it out and it ends up in the ocean. And somebody makes a sad video. Scuba diving past all your fucking shit from your foot locker, right? You got to, you got to get, you got to, I don't know.

I don't know how this works. You can't, capitalism, we can't fucking sustain this. You got to keep buying the shit because there's no place to put it. You know, and ever since I've been a kid, they always said, hey, put litter in its place, which evidently means where the animals live or where the fish swim. Just get it out of our sight so we don't see what the

fuck we're doing, right? And then every once in a while, some tree hugger puts on some fucking flip flops and goes for a swim. And then you see all the shit from the, I don't know, all the way back to fucking. This is the leather couch, by the way. You guys think that I'm fucking over here having gas, although I haven't eaten some beans lately.

So who knows? Yeah, fucking, I don't know. I mean, where I'm going with this shit. You know, I just, I just, I don't know. These fucking assholes still walking around. It's just, you're just like, all right, you know, I'm trying really hard not to wish my fellow man a swift and unmasked death.

Anyway, it's been called to my attention that the the Pentagon are one of these guys, CIA, and one of those fucking high flutin' people. And they got the cure, man. You know they do. They have flat screen TVs or even thinner than your fucking skin. They released some video.

My buddy was telling me the way they were saying that they actually confirmed that, yeah, they've seen shit flying around that they have no idea what the fuck it is. That's pretty fucking wild, huh? What is that? I did like that they didn't shoot it down. It was just some of the best pilots in the world flying like fucking hundred million dollar jets,

like actually admiring what they were seeing, like the footage that I saw. I'm sure they didn't release the stuff where they were like, what the fuck is that? I think they had to have, at least in our country, we, you know, I think with everybody, you gotta have the pilots seem like they can maintain their cool no matter what they see.

You know, it's not a good look if people, you know, flying a fucking F-18, whatever, whatever number they're up to, was it F-21, F-36? I have no idea. You can't have them flipping out like William Shatner in that Twilight Zone episode, right? So, I mean, that's acceptable, I think, if you fly for like Delta or something like that.

It's acceptable because it's just like, well, you have to understand the maneuverability of what he's flying, although the capabilities are way beyond what the passenger can comprehend. It is no match and is a sitting duck for any type of unidentified flying object. But they were just sort of admiring it, going, look how fast it's flying.

You know, I don't know how, 110 knot wind or some shit like that, it was, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck they said, it was all pilot shit. I used to fly. I used to fly. Hoping to get back to what I'm starting to forget how to do shit, you know? It's actually pretty straightforward.

Up, down, left, right. Pedals. All right. So, I mentioned on the Joe Rogan podcast that I was going to try to help out the troubadour, right? One of the great live music venues in the world. And I'm trying to, you know, they're in a bad way and I just don't think

with all these fucking assholes walking around without masks on that we're going to have time to do a fucking stand-up show before things go south over there. So what I'm toying with the idea, I might do a live podcast there, like back in the day when I did it at Dynasty Typewriter

and I might just do one there by myself. And I'll tell you some stories about all the heavy metal bands that I saw that played in that venue. I'll tell you some stories of shit that I read about. Steve Martin opened for Richard Pryor there. All that type of shit and I'll act like a fucking idiot and I'll have a donation button and if you can donate anything, a dollar,

anything you can, it would be a great thing. But I also understand that everybody else, you know, we're so far into this is very stressed out. So I'm toying with that idea possibly for next Monday. I'm going to try to make it happen. So try to do something positive as I sit here talking about my fellow countrymen dying.

It would be so great if it was nobody you knew and they just didn't cover it and then just one day they were just gone. You know, you could drive down the fucking street, head out on the highway, out the window. The best of the best, the smartest, the most obedient.

Let's not set the bar too high or else I'm not going to make it. You know, from all around the world, the Olympics of human citizens. Did you make the dream team of Olympic, US citizens, citizens, citizens? All right. The most exciting thing going on in my life right now. Oh, so anyway, I didn't finish this.

So we fill up our fucking trash bins. So you know what you have to do when you fill up your trash bins, either you leave the trash behind or you have to do, you got to like sort of sneak out and find some of your neighbor's trash barrels that aren't filled up, right? So that's what I did last night. I made like three fucking trips

because Amazon has the biggest fucking box. I don't know what it is. I don't know if this is like some thing that's trying to psych people out or make you even more excited. Like, look how big it is, right? And you, I'm fucking walking down the streets with, made four trips.

I went down and up. I tried to spread it out. And I'm walking down the street and I'm thinking like, isn't this fucking hilarious? I'm currently co-starring in the number one streaming movie in the world with a bald freckled cunt with an orange caterpillar on the top of his lip. You can, you can Google that.

The number one movie with the bald guy with an orange mustache trending right now on the streaming upload interface, whatever computer shit you use. And I am walking down the street and up the street with fucking trash, tiptoeing, hoping I'm not going to get caught. You know, had respect for my neighbors

where I waited till it was late at night. You know, I made sure I didn't overflow anybody's barrels. I just had to get the trash out of where I live and to where the animals live. Okay? And there's a lot of tree huggers listening to this, but you have to understand, okay? They'd be doing it to us

if they could figure out how to make plastic. Don't ever forget that. All right? For all you fucking vegetarians out there, man. Oh, shit. So that's all I've been doing. And I just, this morning, I had my beautiful baby boy, my wife dressed him up in this cute little

gray on gray outfit, right? Almost a mock turtleneck. This kid's going to crush it, man. I'm telling you. He's going to crush it. Really good-looking kid. So I spent the morning. I played with my daughter.

And then once my wife got up and around, you know, I just, I finished that Lou the Toe Grosso book. And with my son sleeping on my chest, man, it was fucking awesome. And I am also officially done promoting season four of Epsis for Family. And I also am done promoting,

I mean, I'll talk about it, but I don't have to do any more press for the King of Staten Island, which has been crushing it. So I want to thank everybody. And you guys took the time to really send me a lot of nice emails and stuff on Twitter about how much you enjoyed

both Epsis for Family and the King of Staten Island. And it's awesome, man. I really appreciate it. Especially during these difficult times of the new normal when trying to be more woke and not asleep and other fucking things that people talk about. Other things that people say.

So I got to post a picture of the sport coat that Lou Grosso wore when in 1974 when he was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I mean, it is just, it is, I don't know why it went out of style. I guess because everybody was wearing it, but it was just so fun to look at. I mean, it was just,

I want to say it was checkered. I don't know what it was. It wasn't Hound's Tooth, but whatever it was, it was fucking amazing. Let me see. There's got to be some with all the hipsters out there. There's got to be like, let me see, 1970s sport coats.

Come on, man. What do you got here? There's got to be some blazer sport coat men's vintage 70 blazer. Let's see. This is probably just one 70s men disco blazer style. This is when Coke was first coming in. There's like 280.

There's two 70s, right? The early 70s is I call them the Serpico 70s. And then there's the BG 70s. You know, before we slid into new wave 80s into the fucking Coke, the big lie, Miami vice 80s. Now that was all done from a total white perspective of time. Okay, but that's what I am. Beyond white.

Bill Burr, beyond white. Look at that baby blue. Jesus Christ, you can smell the cigarette smoke and all of this shit. I remember, you know, like the classic red, green, that plaid, Scotland fucking plaid. My dad had a three piece fucking suit.

I think he still has it. That was all that material. And he used to wear, and there was black in it too. So you wear black shoes. He would have that whole fucking plaid thing going on. You know, it had what it was predominantly red and black and it had a little bit of green and yellow in it. You know, and then my dad would wear like a yellow shirt,

probably because of that yellow stripe, a loud yellow shirt underneath it into the vest, the whole fucking thing. Plaid, three piece suit, vintage. Let's see if I can find this fucking thing. 1970s people, we are deep into a pandemic. I don't know what you want from me. Whoa. Okay, that's some herb tar like shit there.

I just hate how everybody's got a market. The reason why it looks cool in the 70s and not now is because people are making fun of it. Back then people walked around like they either thought they looked good or they weren't even questioning what they were wearing. Dude, look at that 1920s style plaid. Some badass, holy shit.

Gucci's men's retro, 5,800 bucks. Where the fuck did they get off charging that kind of money for anything? 5,800 bucks, I had to be able to drive across country in it. Like it should drive me, right? No, that's kind of a low price. Come on, man, this is all a bunch of fucking young people now. I'm going to see those fucking people that look like

they're going to have a heart attack at any moment. 70s plaid suit. Jesus Christ. Now, this is all fucking, do you know what the thing back in the day, too, what I loved about old school photos is people didn't know how to pose. You know? You don't know how to pose.

Rock stars, models, they knew how to pose. Now, have you fucking douche with the fucking Instagram? You know what I mean? Holding the fucking, you know, they got the crane shot. So you can look at the new fucking, what do you call it? What are those fucking things that chop everything up in the kitchen?

Serial killers? No, it's an appliance. Do you know that's the number one place where serial killers kill people is in the kitchen? In the kitchen. That's what happens is because normally they've killed everybody around the house, but there's always that person who comes home late

when the serial killer's making a sandwich and then he usually finishes them off there, right? Or is it because they come around dinner? Or did I just make all of that up because I still have another fucking seven minutes to go on this fucking thing? Maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's what it is.

All right. I know it's going on with me. I need to go out and I need to go for a fucking drive. That's what I need to do. I really need to do is run down the fucking street a couple of times and come back up because I have so adjusted to just staying fucking home that I don't even leave.

And unless it's late at night, if I developed a stutter during the middle, unless it's late at night and I got a bunch of extra trash I have to throw out, that was my exercise. Walking down the street and then back up and I live on a street that's just the ever slight little grade going up.

That's it. If you had roller skates and you stood in front of my house, it would be real slow before the terror built. It'd be like, whoa, hey, okay. Easy, easy, easy. Fuck. That's how it go. That's the grade of my street.

If you ever want to come over and pave it. Anyway, and I think that's all I got. I don't have any advertising. You know, why would I have any advertising? You know what I mean? Fucking horrific shit that I talk about on this goddamn podcast. Yeah.

So what else are you going to do today, Bill? I don't know. On my birthday, I got a book on Mediterranean-style cooking. I'm very excited about. So I'm going to go with the shit that I know. I'm going to start with, I'm going to try to make some falafels today. You know, I got some chickpeas.

I got a little fucking parsley and some cilantro. I got some cucumbers, tahini sauce, the fucking tomatoes and potatoes. I'm going to give that a little fucking whirl. I do find it interesting that I have to somehow know what the internal temperature of the falafel is. Like I need a fucking meat thermometer for this. I just can't believe anybody worth this salt

that makes a fucking falafel after three times needs a goddamn thermometer to understand where the fuck it is, right? Don't you tell just by how golden brown it is and delicious. Now I'm getting fucking hungry. And I put on like five, six, seven fucking pounds. All that weight I took off.

I put it on during the last couple weeks. I was in the rest of my wife, you know, you know, and then I stayed in the fucking hospital eating all that fucking sodium fueled food for like two, three days. And then it was, it was my wife's birthday and my birthday. So the sweets was just off the charts. And I got to tell you, I just put my face in all of it.

You know, like a big dog that slobbers all over your fucking pillow. That was me eating. I had a fucking great time doing it. You know, the sense of accomplishment is of losing weight is so eclipsed by the joy of putting it on. You know, you wake up in the morning,

your stomach's flat, you feel good about yourself, but you don't feel good. Like there is not a rush. Like why is the sugar rush? That, you know, that's why that's how people end up eating so much. They just, you know, you ever buy something, right? And IKEA, one of these fucking places,

and then you assemble it and then you go to move and you're like, I can't get this out of the fucking house. I need to disassemble this fucking thing or just leave it, you know. The fact that you can do that as a human being, you can walk into a room and start eating to the point where it broncs tail now you can't leave.

What is that like? The day you go to get up, you probably know it. You see it's common. And just like when I'm putting on weight, I don't want to step on the scale. Like, you know, that's when you're, that's when you're really overeating.

When you're, it goes from, I don't want to step on that scale to, I don't want to try to walk through that doorframe. We got French doors. We can open the other one. Doesn't matter. There's something like psychological, like whatever pain that you're in,

it's a combination of that. And when Pizza Hut started putting the cheese in the pizza, you know, because I think even some of the, the most gluttonous pizza people, a lot of them blew off the crust. You know, I always thought it was dumb that they just put the cheese in there. You might as well put some fucking sauce in there too, right?

That was one of the dumb. Two big food downfalls in this country is when they started using fake sugar, right? They started using fake sugar. And then all of a sudden, Mexico made better tasting Coca-Cola than the United States of America. That would be like if we made like better Mexican food

than Mexico. It doesn't make any sense. All right, Coca-Cola, that's ours. All right, you know that shit that you drink? They can also take rust off the fender of a fucking car. Yeah, we came up with that. Huh? Jealous? Oh yeah.

I had a couple of root beer floats this week. I mean, I was fucking out of control. But the thing is, is I don't have that thing where I'm going to keep going until I can't leave the room that I'm in. You know, do you think with open floor plans, so many open floor plans, and now the U.S. learning about feng shui

that people will get even fatter? Because like, this house is now where like, the entire one outside wall is glass. And it's just a bunch of like, just the whole fucking thing can open up. A herd of elephants could literally come walking in if they knew how to duck down. Fucking dopes.

I'm sick of people telling me how intelligent elephants are. If they're so goddamn smart, right? How do you end up working at the circus? Right? You show me an elephant that becomes a fucking doctor, then I'll set up and listen. All right, even the fucking bear can ride a bicycle there.

Now, there's all this new stuff coming out that's making me question, like, eating meat. You know? I'm just going to pause there so all these fucking people can be like, they're saying that chickens can count to 10. You know? They can recognize, like, I don't know,

they can see more colors than we can and, like, and there's something else. And then they know, like, they have, like, 15 different noises they make. So they're actually talking and they can count, but they can only count up to 10. So when you eat a chicken, it's like eating a two-year-old person. You know, and I love kids,

and I just don't know if I want to be a part of that. You know? What number do you think chickens need to learn to count up to before we stop eating them? There's a good question, you know? And I'm willing to bet they're not going to know the answer because if they had the intelligence to fucking think of what the fuck I just said,

which I can't even remember at this point, I don't think we'd be eating them. You know? I watched an owl in a falcon go at it over a fucking nest on YouTube the other day. Owls are the shit, man. They're fucking scary looking, you know? They're like the fuck, they're like the Mike Singletary of birds.

Remember Mike Singletary's eyes when he'd be across there in the fucking quarterback would be all scared? Dude, they do this thing when you start coming at them and they're like, who the fuck are you? They bend, do they have a waist? I don't know what they, they sound like they bend at the waist and then they bring out their wings. And they have their wings, like, it's almost like

if their wings could point down at the floor, like if they had fingers in the middle of the wings, right? So they bring them up, like your elbows, right? Bend at the waist, do it with me, come on. Bend at your waist and then you bring your fucking elbows up like they pointed at the ceiling and then the tail comes up over the top like a fucking peacock. And then they start doing this, you know,

this thing with their fucking head, you know, that makes them, you know, look like they, that they would crush it. One of those dance shows back in the day, you know? Like one of those movies, you got served. They start going into that. Like they had such a cool ass fucking bird. I'm surprised nobody's put some music to it.

That's what usually happens. Somebody does like the owl remix. Have you guys seen that one where that guy looks down that shaft and there's like this fucking owl down there, you know? And then there's like, there's like three little owls behind him and this thing just is looking like, you come down, like, you know, what's up? Come on down here and see what the fuck happens. By the way, I'm getting tired of these fucking animal videos

where the mother saves the fucking daughter and it's just like a mother's strength is fucking. It's like, are you really using this fucking zebra? Getting its fucking young zebra away from the fucking alligator as a way to fucking, you know, pump up you and your fucking SUV and your cloth bags on your way to your fucking artisan ice cream store. You're not, you're not... How many mothers do you think would actually fuck with an alligator

if it was coming near their kid? You know, there's that thing where you run in and you're like, ooh, they can make another. I know that's not true. Because when I watch those videos and I think what the fuck I would do with any of those fucking animals, it's just instant death. You would just, I know exactly what the fuck I would do with an alligator.

I would fucking, I would jump like, you know, like in wrestling when they threw somebody off the ropes and then you do the flying fucking body press or whatever the fuck they'd call it. I can't remember the name of that move. They would just dive, like they would dive in across the windshield. That's what I would do, right into the fucking thing's mouth. You know, and as it's chopping down, I'd be like, run up the hill!

All right, there you go. There's a half hour. There's a half hour you're never going to get back. Okay, and you got no one to blame but yourself and these cunts that are fucking running around with no masks trying to show how fucking, you know. But what do you want when your orange-headed, stupid leader who hides in a fucking basement is walking around going,

I've never even had a calm and cold. You know, I think when at the end of the day what's going to come down is a lot of great people in the public eye who slowly just go nuts. They find out that they have undiagnosed syphilis or some shit. So I'm thinking maybe the guy back in the day, you know, he went to somebody's fucking party or went on their boat.

I don't know what. He did some fucking rich guy finding himself. You know, maybe he's the guy that had that bad soup. You ever think about that? Because he survived, you know, and maybe he's affecting us. See, this is what's happening. I'm slowly going fucking nuts here.

All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much. All right, the ridiculousness is over here. The stupidity of what I've said is over. Okay, you can relax. This is from the bottom of my heart. I really want to thank you guys for downloading the movie. I know 20 bucks ain't cheap,

but you know, you bring enough people over there without your mask on to show everybody how strong you are. You can end up paying a dollar each, you know, depending on how big your living room is. Okay. And everybody watched Effors for Family. I really appreciate it. I am done.

And now my next move is I'm going to watch that new Spike Lee movie because I heard it's fucking incredible. So that's on my little list here tonight. All right, that's it. I hope all you guys are doing well. I hope all you guys are safe. I hope a bunch of people that you don't know or love or that they won't even report on will go out

and I don't know what they're going to do, but maybe they just will, maybe that UFO will pick them up and just get them the fuck out of here. Wouldn't that be great? There was a UFO like vacuum. Am I describing Jesus coming back in a UFO kind of way? What if Jesus came back and he just took the idiots?

This is what happens when you get quarantine as you start going into dictator mode and you just start remolding the world in, you know, that fits with the universe between your fucking ears. That's what I'm doing. I apologize. Okay. I hope all you guys are happy and healthy

and all of that shit. Have a wonderful weekend and I'm going to try to do a Troubadour show. Benefit. We're going to try to reach out to them. Maybe do it this weekend or next week. I don't know. I want to do something.

I got to do something positive. I got to get out of the fucking house, get on a stage, walk around. All right. That's it. I'll talk to you guys soon. Love you. Oh, sorry.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday. What is it? June 18th, 2010. Yeah, I know. I know. I know. Before you even fucking start, I know.

I know. It's Tuesday the 19th. I know. Okay. What's the matter? You don't know what happened? Don't you follow me on Twitter? I apologize for being a day late.

Sort of. You know, I apologize. Let the guy who really doesn't give a shit or just banged your sister. Oh, I didn't know. Oh, that was your sister. Dude, I didn't see her for like fucking six months. She changed. All right.

Um, no, I was doing, I was doing a show in Chicago, Chicago and, you know, got out late and everything and I didn't bring any of my shit with me. So I was already going to do a half asked one as far as the sound. I was just going to record it on my iPhone, man. And, um, and then I don't know, I ended up fucking going out until like 430 in the morning and then my flight was at 12. So you do the math. Okay.

I'm sorry. I partied last Sunday night like, you know, like me and my friends successfully robbed a casino, you know, like in the end of sexy beast, you know, when they were running fast, you know, when they robbed it successful and everybody's laughing, you know, fucking, you know, whatever, some sort of old pub or steakhouse cigars, the whole damn thing. I was having a great time and I'm going, I'm going to lie to you. I completely forgot that I had to do the podcast completely 100% forgot, you know, sorry. It's not my fault.

No, I had a great weekend. I started off in San Jose. I'm not trying to make you guys jealous. I mean, San Jose, California, right there, you guys ought to just shut this whole podcast off just out of pure envy. You know, I don't know if you guys are fans of the price is right, but many times during the showcase showdown, one of the, the final gifts to make one of those housewives soccer moms lose their mind is an all expense paid trip to San Jose, California.

Granted, it is the first showcase. It's not the second one. Second one, I think is to Fresno. Yeah, went to San Jose and it's slowly getting better. San Jose slowly turning it around. Every time I come there, it's a little less scary, or at least it feels a little less weird, you know, and then like Saturday is the weirdest day when you work San Jose, because San Jose is one of those classic cities where, you know, there's all kinds of people

until the end of the work day. And the second the work day ends, like around five, everybody just gets the fuck out of town. And then all of a sudden you can't, you can't even get a goddamn dinner anywhere. Everything's closed. Everybody's such closing like one of those old fucking westerns when some badass is coming to town and everybody's pulling down their curtains, closed for business. That's basically what it feels like. But during the day, there's people walking around to beautiful city.

They got a little choo-choo train that goes up and down the driveway, you know. And this is just for people who've never been to San Jose, people that I feel bad for that are sitting somewhere in a job that they don't like dreaming of going to San Jose, California, pictures of SJ, SJ town or whatever the fuck they call it, all around your little office, cubicle maybe, maybe your work station out in the warehouse. Maybe, maybe, maybe you drive for a living and you got those up on the dashboard. You know, he's bound to die. Saturday's the weirdest day, because nobody comes in, even during the day.

So you're walking around this city with skyscrapers and there's literally nobody there. You feel like you're in the fucking walking dead. It's the only way to describe it. But down at the improv, the shows were packed out, so I want to thank everyone who came down. I worked with Kevin Shea. Kevin Shea, if you guys haven't seen him, he's fucking hilarious, totally original. I hope you guys realize that by the way. I don't bring any fucking cupcakes on the road, you know.

Some headliners, you know, they'll go out and they'll go out with some, some fucking weak person in front of them just so they look even better. That's not the way I do it. All right. I actually bring out somebody who's funny. Let me pat myself in the back. Now you know what it is? I can't stand.

I can't stand watch. I can't stand working with somebody who sucks. That's what it really is. It really has nothing to do with the crowd. All right, though, let's get to the truth of this. There you go. It does. I can.

You know, because when they, when somebody sucks and having to listen to that act five times during the fucking week, I can't even tell you what the hell it does to you. And then they always end up closing on the same fucking bit. And I don't know, and the bits awful and it's killing because they're, I don't know, I don't know doing something. I don't know what the fuck it is. Some sort of stand up trick and it makes me hate them. So what I do is I try to bury myself in the bowels of the club. So I don't have to hear a word of their acts, but no matter how much I do that,

I still have to listen to the last minute of their final joke because I have to be ready to go on. So that's the real reason why I do it. All right. So there you go. So this is the fucking podcast. It is a day late. And as always, I don't have enough fucking hours in the day. I brought the stupid goddamn mixer on the road.

What the fuck? I didn't want to do it because it was too heavy fucking pussy. Anyways, hey, I flew back from Chicago and I watched that, that John Carter from Mars movie or whatever the hell it's called. He says I'm John Carter from Virginia like 90 times. And it was actually sci-fi. And I know recently on the Joe Rogan experience, I made fun of all those sci-fi movies. You know, if you're stuck on a plane, it's not a bad movie. You know, you know what kills me is they always got to do that shit in those fucking those sci-fi movies where they always have to throw in those fucking awful invented words when somebody's arguing.

Everybody's speaking English, you know, speaking the goddamn King's English. You understand what everybody's saying. I mean, if you went back 300 years in this fucking country, you wouldn't know what half the people were talking about with all the ye this and ye that and fucking go with and comments. It'd be like reading the Bible. I can't make fucking heads and tails of it, you know. Read the Bible. It's like am I still supposed to be going left to right here or do I go left, right to left? Because it doesn't make sense. They always have those dumb lines like the gods of off guard will not have this. They go out of the way to like invent one word.

What in the name of marsupial is going on in here? I'm one of those and I actually just fucking threw my headphones down and the douche sitting next to me looked over at me like what the fuck is your problem. And I need you guys to come up with a name for this phenomenon. You ever been standing in a in an airport terminal and there's some douche talking really loud on his cell phone, of course you have. We all have, right? It's just big, just giant dude. There's a fat black dude from England. So he sounds like he's in, you know, lock stock in smoking barrels, whatever the fuck it's called.

And he's a tub of shit, which is making me laugh because everybody in Europe acts like they're fucking smart and in shape. You know, he looked like the fucking dude on, you know, you know, what do you look like? You know, that show Cleveland Brown show, you know, his son, it's exactly what he looked like. He didn't talk like him, but he had the fucking round glasses. The whole goddamn thing. That's what the fuck he looked like. And he's talking and he's fucking, he's, he's American fat. He's Chicago fat.

All right. But he's European. So he's still has to wear those tight fucking jeans. I don't know why I don't know what it is about Europe and fucking suffocate in your balls. But Europeans just their jeans cannot be fucking tight. They just cannot be fucking tight enough. They have, they have to fucking frame their package that goddamn units look like fucking hand solos face when he gets frozen in that little piece of fucking carbon or whatever the fuck it was. Anyways, so he's running his stupid.

Yeah. Yeah, Mike, going over to Melbourne after that, going to go back over to fucking who gives a fuck, right? Just talking, talking, talking, big, stupid Chicago bear fucking gut. You know, you know, when you get the creases on the side, you could stick mail in there. He's got those on the side, right? Offensive lineman fat. You know, he's got great footwork dough, but look at his fucking belly and he's just running his goddamn yap. You know, so I walk away from the guy, but he's one of these guys who takes a little stroll when he walks.

So he keeps fucking walking over into my little area. Right. So I'm like, oh, you know, Bill, come on, just fucking. Don't be this. Don't be fucking screaming and yelling. Just fucking relax. And what is the name of this phenomenon? They start loading the fucking plane.

I get on the plane. Here comes that fucking douche, right? Still talking. Yeah, Mike. Yeah, yeah, good day, mate. Yeah, yeah, all fucking bullshit. I know good day mates from fucking Australia before I get shit from fucking people from England. You all sound the same to me, right?

So he comes walking up the aisle. He's still running his fucking yap. And I'm just going to Jesus Christ. All right. I'm going to listen to this guy for another five, four, three until he goes by and the mother fuckers in my row. What are the odds? You know, what are the fucking odds? God damn 70 fucking rows.

Not only is he in my row, he's sitting right next to me and he stays on the phone the whole fucking time. Yeah, mate. Yeah. No, no. Teddy bears watching telly. Is this Stan, right? The whole fucking time. Why are you swearing?

I'm not swearing. The whole fucking time sitting next to me running his goddamn yap with his fat fucking stomach and the crease in the side. And it's the only this is the only the only props I will give this guy is, you know, he never seen ever said hello. We didn't speak the whole flight. I loved it. I loved that he was as self involved as I am. And the last thing I wanted to do was start talking to him because he already annoyed the shit out of me. And I know from experience that if I'm going to talk to somebody from another country, at some point they're going to shit on the United States.

That's something that they like to do while calling us the ignorant Americans traveling around the world, you know, all knees and elbows. Those motherfuckers come over here and it's just you can't talk to him for more than fucking five minutes before they stay shit on America. I don't want fucking understand it. You know, I would never do that. The only way I would do that is if I was on stage in another country, just just for the fucking ridiculousness of it to start making fun of their fucking country. But if I was sitting on a plane, I would just be tired. You have a beautiful country, blah, blah, blah, be a decent fucking guy. I don't fuck Jesus Christ.

The hell was I just going to tell you just remembered something in the middle of that. The hell was I talking about? Hang on a second. Let me think about this. Oh, yeah, I remember what it was. Did I tell this story like fucking four months ago? I pulled my big ass truck into this small spot, but there was nobody on the other side of me and I was fine, right? When I came out, somebody had pulled in and it was really tight as far as like on either side of my truck. And then I didn't have a lot of space to back out.

So it was this fucking problem. I keep trying to back, you know, back out, come back in, back out, like inch of my way in. So this fucking guy starts helping me out. I think he was from England. And he's like, you know, next time, why don't you do the un-American thing and back in? And I fucking, I, it's like, you can't even help me out of the spot without fucking nitpicking your fucking cunts. You know what? I'll listen to it from Australia, but England, the amount of shit that is going on in the world still because of those cunts, the fact that they actually fucking give, you had the balls to give the United States shit,

to very least be like, hey, welcome to the party. Welcome. You guys are slowly catching up to us historically as the biggest fucking oppressive douchebags on the planet. You want to come at me like that? Absolutely. But if you're going to fucking come at me like you didn't do all this other bullshit out there, the fucking caste system in India and all that fucking crap, the shit that happened in Rwanda, you know? That's all I got. Two examples. I don't know anything else. The Falkland Islands. Ah, Jesus, the ignorant American strikes again.

But you know what I'm saying? If I actually read, I could fucking bury you guys in this argument. All right? With your jolly rancher flag, whatever the fuck you call it. All right. Thank God I don't have a gig coming up in English after that little thing, you know? Oh, Jesus, I got a ton of shit from my fucking comments about hair metal last week, you know? Dude, I wasn't saying it was all bad, but come on. This is what I should say. Okay, look, disco music wasn't all bad. Okay, the freak. Come on. You really think that's a bad fucking song? You do? Oh, really? And what? And every rose has its thorn is better?

You want to go back and forth? Little tit for tat here? Fucking the freak blows any of those heavy metal ballads away. All right? I'm not saying Van Halen with David Lee Roth was the shit. All right? It's kind of like the Red Sox with Theo Epstein and Tito and all that, and now that they blew it up, we're going to be fucked. Who else? Who else was great in the eight? There was a lot of good fucking shit, but there was a lot of just, you know what the fuck I'm talking about? Give me an R, R, O, O, C, C, K, and what do you got?

Rock! And what are you going to do? Rock you! Really? Can you come up with a disco song worse than that? That's your challenge for this week. And if you can, I will shut the fuck up about this, because I'm not saying it was all bad. I'm not saying I didn't like Iron Maiden. I didn't say that. I didn't say that I didn't like Metallica, which I actually didn't in the 80s. I thought that it was too hard. It was too hard for me. Okay? I had to stay in my borderline hair metal, little bit of glam, and oh, he's wearing jeans on stage. He's bringing it back, little fucking music box that I was in.

I missed out on a lot of good shit. All that new wave shit. Some of that stuff was good. Some of the talking head stuff early on. That stuff was all good. I missed out on all of that. You know? I like their mainstream shit. Burning down the house. That's all I listen to. Let me see here if I can get... Oh, what the hell is it? Let me see if I can get any comments of people telling me. All these people giving me shit for my podcast being late. What the fuck, dude? Hurry up with my free entertainment.

Somebody drew a picture of a big dick. That's nice. Stop jerking off and give us the fucking podcast for fuck's sakes. By the way, happy birthday. See what I do? This is my crowd. This is what I facilitate. Jesus Christ, I can't fight it anymore. Look, for all you fucking metalheads out there, I wasn't saying... You know what the fuck I'm talking about, okay? You can't tell me that you don't watch some of those old videos and they're not fucking... You know what? I'm not letting you suck me back into this argument again.

I said what I had to say. It's a lot of motley-crew shit I did like. Some of this shit didn't hold up so much. Dude, that theater of pain tore when they were fucking coming on stage, looking like they sold Mary Kay cosmetics. I mean, come on. I get it. His fucking drum set went fucking all the way around. But come on. You can't tell me that even they don't look at it. You know what? Look at the fucking cover of theater of pain, okay? I want you to hold that up and then think about my argument

and then still tell me to go fuck myself, alright? And if you can pull that off, I will, alright? I will fuck off, alright? So anyways, you're listening to the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. I do one of these every single week. If you're new to the podcast, this is what I do. I shit on things and people shit back on me. And then maybe in the end of it, we learn something. We have learned shit on this podcast, haven't we? We've learned that sitting in a cubicle is not something that you dreamed of as a child

and that you eventually want to get out of it. We've learned that I can't be funny without saying fuck and cunt every other word. You guys, what else? You know that I'm going to hell or I'm going into the ground, one or the other, depending on whether you're religious or not. And you've also learned that there's no reason to go to the post office. Oh, he's slipping in a commercial. Hey, listen, if you're still going to the post office,

you're probably still listening to Theater of Pain on cassette tape. Whatstamps.com, you ask? Are you new to my podcast and you haven't heard this commercial 40,000 times? This is what stamps.com is. Stamps.com is this wonderful website that eliminates you ever having to go to the post office again. Okay, think about all the things that happen when you go to the post office, the homeless guy holding the door like you can't open it yourself. Okay, and maybe you're a liberal and you want to give him some, you're going to give him some money.

Okay, but you know damn well, you're not going to touch his hands. You got to do that little throw. You got to do a little throw, you know. What I do is I always try to throw it right at their fucking breastplate, right at their chest and that way they can kind of do like a basket catch. That's what I do, you know, because I've tried to do the dropping thing. The hand is so callous, it just fucking bounces right off of it. It's like you threw it against the fucking concrete and it falls in the ground

and then they're crawling around trying to fucking pick up a quarter and you feel bad. You know, I would tell you about that time I gave that homeless guy some change. So I was walking out of stand-up New York on the Upper West Side in New York City. I gave him some change and as I was walking away, I just heard, fuck you! And I heard the sound of my change being thrown off of the fucking sidewalk. He was an angry drunk, you know, when he had his standards. So like give me some cash or go fuck yourself.

And I remember, did I get mad? No, I think I laughed my ass off. No, I think I got mad because I was by myself. So then it just kind of was him against me so I got upset. But if I was with somebody else, I would have had to laugh because they would have been laughing at me. Anyway, Stamps.com everybody. If you're still going to the post office to send out letters and packages, the truth is you're wasting your time, okay?

And take my advice, okay? Use Stamps.com instead, all right? I send out all my DVDs this way, send them out to the clubs. I got my little scale, I put on my little Mr. McFeely speedy delivery hat, crank the whole damn thing out, slap the stamp on it, and I'm done. Never have to go to the post office. Stamps.com is quick and easy way to get postage. How does it work, Bill?

I'll tell you, you can buy and print official U.S. postage using what you already have, your own computer and printer. They also give you a little digital scale, my favorite thing. You know, I feel like a little kindergartner playing post office, except it's real, man. They give you a little digital scale, Stamps.com eliminates guesswork. You'll get the exact postage for any letter or package 24-7 whenever you need it, and the mailman comes and picks it all up, you know, unless you live in the city, right? What if you live in the city?

That'll be a letter. Bill, can you please not bring up problems with the product? You'll never have to go to the post office again. Endorsement. I'm so stupid. Talk about your use of Stamps.com. I already did that. So anyways, here we go.

I got a special offer right now. If you use my name, Burr, B-U-R-R for this special offer, you get a no-risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer. It includes the digital scale and up to $55 in free postage. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr,

and welcome to the wonderful world of never having to go to the post office again. There you go. See what I just did? It's like you were dating some psycho chick and I just broke up with her for you. You don't have to ever deal with her again. Now you can go find the love of your life. You'll have time to do things like that. Maybe get back into P90Xing, you know?

Maybe you could do that because you're not standing in line at the post office. There's all kinds of stuff you could do. You could sit around and get fat if you wanted to. You know what I really like? I just like printing stamps after the post office is closed. That's what I enjoy. That's my big thing. I know.

I know. It's just a little thing in life. It's just something that makes me smile. Anyways, what else? What are we going to do? Oh, Jesus. You're going to be a day late and you have nothing to fucking talk about? Okay, here we go.

Here's some more hair metal stuff. New Rush album. And God knows Rush was the king of hair metal, you know? A lot of Rush fans won't, they won't admit to that, but they had that awful period where they were just teasing up their hair. Remember that? They had all the eyeliner and those monsters they brought out on stage. It was fucking horrible.

Dude, they never fucking did that, man. Alright, Bill, you're always saying how Neil Pert is too mechanical of a drummer for your taste. I'm always saying he's a beast, but I just like, I don't hear any, I don't know. It just, it doesn't get me. Alright, so anyway, I got a lot of balls making fun of the guy. You know, I can play more with one hand than I could with all four limbs and falling down a flight of stairs. Anyways, on the new album, the producer acting like a conductor during the recordings to help drive live emotion into his playing. The drum parts were not as planned.

The album is really good and the guitar solos are amazing. Go fuck yourself. Okay, I'll give it a shot, you know? I'm just not, I was never into, I just never was into that band. Today's Tom Sawyer is the mean, mean guy. I just never got into that shit. Plus, every time I would almost get into this shit, like just something else they would do that would annoy me. I was watching, I was reading some sports article one time and they interviewed Getty Lee.

And evidently he's a Blue J fan and he'll play in the Red Sox and he made fun of Red Sox fans. That was just a further fuck this guy. I don't know dude, I like Bonham better. I like guys like Steve Jordan. They don't play nearly as much, but a lot of those guys, there's very few of those guys that have those giant fucking drum sets that are, that really blow me away. I actually, you know who I like is Simon Phillips. He sat in with the Who on that tour I went to in 1989, you know, thinking I was seeing the Who. And then years later, fucking Pete Townsend goes when they had a new tour.

Oh yeah, that last tour mate, that wasn't the Who, that was the Who on Ice. And that always pissed me off. It's like really, we didn't say that when I was buying the fucking tickets. You cunt, why don't you go do some more research on child pornography? Oh, Jesus, Bill. But he's fucking was unreal on that. And I don't know, I just recently just came across one of his solos. And it's not something if you're a younger drummer, you're going to enjoy it because you're going to find the beginnings boring as he builds his way up to it.

But it's, I don't know, it has a beginning, middle and an end to the solo, which is, I think, really fucking hard to do on drums. And like I said, a lot of those guys where they got, who's that was that other guy played with like Dream Theater? A lot of guys go nuts about him and Thomas Lang. Like those guys are incredible fucking players. But after a while, I just, it's just everything's played at like 90 million miles an hour. And it gets fucking, it all starts to sound the same. That's the thing about speed. After a while, it all fucking sounds to say, which is the genius of an Eddie Van Halen to me.

Because Eddie Van Halen could play that fast, yet still could give me the chills because he still had some sort of feeling and soul underneath it. And by the time the 80s came around, everybody learned to do his tap on shit. And then it just became who can play it the fastest. And it was like an auctioneer playing a guitar after a while. And I just, I'd never fucking fucking fucking 20 minutes. Wasn't that every solo in the fucking 80s? Every concert you went to, they'd be like, and then they fucking slow it down. And then they look at the crowd and the crowd be like, and he's basically doing the same lick over and over and over again.

He was just speeding it up and slowing it down. And I think half the drum solos were the same thing. They'd slow it all the way down to just like, you know, hits on the snare drum. And then you'd stand up, put your fist in the air, and everyone would go nuts. And then you would sit down and you would just slowly speed it up again. And then somebody would come out, skipping around and fucking kick their foot in the air. And then again, they'd go back into the song, right? Oh, and the women dressed like whores.

It was such a great fucking time. It really was. And I got, you know, I really never thought that I would see girls dress more skanky than they did back then. You know, with the fucking ripped up pantyhose, fishnet shit. It was just, it was phenomenal with the flash dance influence. So the fucking thing was always falling off their shoulder, half a titty hanging out. It was just, it was phenomenal. And, uh, I don't know.

Going out and fucking San Jose, like the same, these girls, that's where to go with the fucking hooker shoes. It's phenomenal. But, uh, dude, one thing about San Jose on Friday and Saturday nights, there is enough police presence there. It's like they're anticipating a fucking riot. It's unreal. There's like, they have everything short of like the helmets in the shields. Like, I don't know what the fuck happened. Every time I start thinking like, oh yeah, San Jose is not a bad fucking place.

You come out there on a Friday or Saturday night and there's like, there's like 40 cops on every block, it seems. Um, not in case something happens. It's a vibe is more when something happens. And you just feel like the later you're out, you just like, this is really fucking stupid. I need to go back in. I need to jump on that little electric train that only goes six blocks and get back to my hotel. Hey, by the way, they had something out there called Juneteenth that I never heard of. Can somebody please explain to me somebody of African American heritage?

What exactly that is? Somebody said that's when slaves were freed. Juneteenth? Why is it Juneteenth? Why isn't it like one specific day? Or did they fucking drag it out between June 13th and June 19th? You know, is one last little fuck you like, all right, we're going to free you sometime in the teens. Hey, Mr. White man, it's fucking June 13th.

What do you say? Can I go now? Well, maybe tomorrow. Just trying to get another four or five days out of you. Is that what happened? I don't fucking know. Um, all right, fantasy beer league. Hey Bill, you're starting a beer league hockey team and you can pick any NHL or past or present.

The NHL hockey player wouldn't necessarily be in the prime of his career, but something close. Who do you pick? I think the inclination is to take someone like Mario Lemieux, but I think that get boring as shit after a while. Yeah, and you probably fucking get mad when I yanked on his jersey and threatened to retire. Um, he goes, I think I'd go with someone like Rick Tauquette. He can still dominate your league and you can imagine drinking beers with them afterwards. Exactly. You answered your own question.

That's exactly who I would get. I get fucking, uh, who's that guy? Ah, Jesus, I'm so bad with the names. The second the season ends, I can't remember anybody's name. Who's the fucking guy who's on the Rangers and said that everybody gets my sloppy seconds? Somebody like him. Somebody who can play and is funny. You know, I, I, you know, something, uh, what about Carsello?

I always thought Carsello could actually play. That guy can actually play the game, can score goals and he can beat the shit out of people, which he did. So, you know, he's got great fucking stories and he looks like he drinks. I would definitely pick somebody like that. The last thing I would do was get like a Sidney Crosby. You know, he just doesn't seem like he'd ever passed the puck. And, uh, you know, when I accidentally tripped him, if I ever got anywhere near him, because God knows I'd be like, trying to get the puck, I would accidentally trip him.

And, uh, you know, if he didn't get the call or even he got the call, he just get up and would do that shit where he was shaking his head, but not looking at me with his fucking rosy lips. Yeah, I think I, maybe I go old school. You know, Rick Middleton was always a favorite of mine. Nifty. Maybe him, maybe, uh, Jay Miller. Some old school tough guys. Uh, Bob Probert, God rest his soul if he was still around.

I get guys like that. Maybe some goons or something like that. Uh, all right, I need some advice, Bill. Going for it. Going for it. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Going for it.

This is some guy from the 80s. He's going to go for it. That was one of the worst fucking expressions ever in the 80s. I remember that and it bottomed out in that Rocky movie and Rocky three, or maybe that started at all when a club of Lang got in his face and was like, I'm going to bust you up. And then Rocky's like, go for it. And that was supposed to be like this big moment.

Like he's not scared anymore. Go for it. That everybody in that part of the 80s, everybody in the early to mid eight and put more like the early 80s and all those fucking movies. Everybody dressed like they were on their way to win a Robics class. In fact, I think so. Stavess is still alone. Didn't he have on leg warmers during part of his workouts in those movies?

I can't remember. Um, dear Bill, dear Bill, um, since I was 12 years old, I've been playing blues music professionally around the Colorado and, uh, front range area. What the fuck is the front range area? Is that Wyoming? Bomba data, bomba data. Um, I've made good money. What kind of gigs did you get in the front range area?

Um, every year I play blues music on Hitler's birthday for this Aryan group slash meth lab in fucking Casper, Wyoming. Um, I've made good money and lots of friends on the way. This year I even made it to the finals at the international blues challenge. Needless to say, I've been blessed so far in life. Yeah, and you must be a fucking beast if you can do that. He says, not bad for a 16 year old. Go fuck yourself.

You know, that's awesome for a 16 year old. Jesus Christ. I wasn't doing shit. All I was doing was flunking every class in high school. And, um, I have my driver's license. I got my driver's license the second I turned 16. This, the second I was eligible and I took it on a, uh, I actually took my, uh, had the balls to take it with a stick shift.

It was a 78 Chevette four speed. And the only reason why I say I had the balls, every car in my family, we always had stick shifts. I don't know why, you know, it was funny. We had, we had manual transmission, but, uh, it wasn't a sports car to be found. Uh, anyways, here's my problem. Ever since I was eight years old and saw reservoir dogs, I wanted to write and direct movies.

Now this isn't a choice between my two, two passions. I do plan on doing both for the rest of my life, but with the screenplay competition, I have little hope for. Um, why do you have little hope in a screenplay competition? They have shit like that, don't they? What are you saying? You're not good, good, good at it. I don't know, Bill.

Why don't you read the rest of it? You'll figure it out. Um, a screenplay competition I have little hope for. Oh, I see. No, those do exist, dude. I don't know where they are, but they do exist. I remember, uh, Matt Damon, uh, uh, uh, Ben Affleck had that project green light. There, there's always people doing stuff like that.

I can't say always, but there is shit like that. Anyways, a dad that's recovering from a car accident. Sorry to hear that. And a mom working to keep our family in a home. I have no idea how to start making my first feature film. Now you're probably thinking you're 16. Um, no, I'm not, I'm thinking you're ahead of the game. This is good.

Uh, but I have no money for the high school. I go to anymore and being in the blues world for so long. I know that tomorrow I will wake up and be 43 wondering if I accomplished everything I wanted to, uh, being a 16 year old blues, blues musician who's most likely isn't going to get a high school diploma and wants to make movies. Jesus Christ, dude. First thing I'll tell you is you gotta, you gotta fucking,

you gotta put a little sunshine in your thoughts. They're, uh, they're youngster. Um, stop listening to that fucking blues music. It's making you just depressed. Why don't you listen to a little hair metal? It's happy. Um, anyways, I'm pretty lost. It's scary because I'm at that.

Place where the things you do now affect your future. Any advice on how to keep positive as I try and become a filmmaker would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and sorry for writing so fucking much. Yeah, dude. You, uh, first of all, you're acting like you're 86 and not 16. All right. You're 16.

You're way ahead of the fucking game. All right. When I was 14, I was going to go to Notre Dame and become a lawyer. Well, you know, I was going to go to Notre Dame and become a lawyer. When I was 14, I was going to go to Notre Dame and become a lawyer. By the time I was 16, I was thinking, well, maybe I'll learn to trade. All right. That's how quickly I fucking, you know, went off the rails.

Now there's a bunch of people in trades. So what am I more on if I can't make a lamp? No, you're a fucking genius cause you can make a lamp. Um, or whatever the fuck that went. Um, this is how you, you know, you learn to make movies, dude. You just go ahead and you fucking make one. All right. This is the deal.

You don't have any fucking money. All right. So you could make enough money. Like just playing music with a goddamn bucket in front of you in downtown Denver. Save up and get an iPhone if you don't already have one. All right. You got an iPhone. You can fucking shoot some video.

Then upload it on and just, you know, do it for nothing. Upload it on a computer or a friend's computer or whatever you're making the movie with. Um, you just, that's the way to learn how to do shit. That's the advice I'll give you. Just go out and you do shit. And, uh, and then every time you think a negative thought that's saying, oh, I can't do this, you have to fucking mentally beat the shit out of that thought. And you have to really become conscious of, as to what your brain is telling you, you know,

because you seem like you're in, you're very early on. So I don't think it's going to be that deep of a groove, but your brain is like catastrophizing. Okay. Everything you're thinking of doing somehow it ends with you slamming into a brick wall. All right. And if you think that way, you become paralyzed and you can't, you can't step forward, but you really, your heart wants to step forward, but you can't cause your brain keeps fucking showing you that brick wall.

So what's then going to happen is your fucking heart is going to be waking you up in the middle of the night, thinking thoughts like, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? And then you, then, you know, you, you're going to start drinking and it's going to be whatever the fuck, something bad. It's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. Then you become miserable.

And then you can see somebody young one day who isn't in their way and you're actually going to try to discourage them, which is going to make you feel like a piece of shit. So, um, the biggest thing I would work on is, uh, you just have to really, you have to be conscious of when your brain's telling you, you can't do something. You're 16 fucking years old. Okay. You got the whole, the whole world, the whole fucking life in front of you. And, uh, you know, you can start making a movie tomorrow.

And this is the great thing to do. You have, just give yourself the permission to suck. It's your first one. It's supposed to suck. All right. I had no idea how to do stand up. I just signed up for an open mic and I went on fucking stage and I hung up for dear life. And you know what?

I sucked and I sucked for a while, but every time I sucked a little bit less and that's how you got to do it. And I had all that negative shit going on in my head and, um, I bought those fucking books on how to think positive, which was hilarious with my negative mind is just as I'm reading it, uh, wanting to absorb it. I'm also ripping it apart saying this is bullshit. But, um, I don't know, unless you're like clinically depressed, just negative thought is just a habit you can get out of.

And that's kind of what I found. And you just have to be conscious of it. And, uh, you know, it's really just a choice. You know, you just think of negative thought and you're like, all right, there's a negative thought. Step back, look at it and be like, Oh, do I want to fucking, you know, tie myself to that thing and have it pull me all the way down to the ground? Or am I going to say, you know what?

Fuck that thought and think something positive. No, I'm going to make, I'm going to, I'm going to make a movie. What I would do if I was you was I would, I would just be thinking about guys like Tarantino or Spike Lee or, um, uh, Kevin Smith, any of these guys who just were like, fuck it, I'm going to make a movie and they just went out and did it. And next thing you know that they, they, they had a career. Those guys can do what you can do. Just focus on them.

Um, you know, that's what I do. Fuck it. You know, I'm a balding redhead in this fucking business who has the nerve to try to go and audition for movies every week. What the fuck do I get off doing that? Who wants to see that on screen? You know, but what do I think of people still want to see Ed Harris? They don't care.

So fucking, I'm going to look at Ed Harris. I'm not going to fucking be focusing on all these washboard, middle, full head of fucking hair, run for president looking fucking jaws. Like I kill myself. Jesus Christ. Now I'm starting to depress me. That's what I would do. You want to make a movie, you go fucking make a movie.

That's what you, that's what I would do. I don't know why you feel like you're not going to finish high school. You could do that. You know, you can do it. You know, there's got to be a way that you can get a high school diploma. What if you have to transfer? You got to fucking transfer to a new school that's cheaper. So what?

You come in, all of a sudden you're the new guy. Hey, who the fuck is this guy? Right? You come in like fucking Clint Eastwood. All of a sudden you're getting blown by some chick because she thinks you're mysterious because you have a different area code. It can happen. Just, you know, I was going to say by a trench coat, but that's probably not good to do in Colorado,

is it? Oh, that was a bad one. Sorry. You know what I mean? Just you got to think positive. All right. If you keep thinking negative, that shit's going to happen. And you do the work.

That's the critical part. You'll be fine. And thus ends my little self-help after-school special here. All right. All right. Don't write to me. Don't keep thinking that shit. I want to hear from you in six months going, hey, I actually made the movie.

It didn't come out that bad. You're going to learn a bunch of shit. You know, believe me. And that's the kind of thing also that never ends. I'm still learning shit. Every time I go and tape a special, there's always something. Ah, fuck. You know?

The first time when I did, why do I do this? It was the first time I was ever the guy calling the shots and I forgot to tell them that I needed a clock. I just assumed that it was going to be there. And I went out and there was no clock. There was no way to tell how long. I didn't know what time I went out and ended up being a little bit of a clusterfuck at the end of it.

So then the next time I did a special, I had a fucking clock. You know? And, you know, I just did another special. I learned something on that. And I was like, what the fuck? When am I going to have this thing down? There's always going to be obstacles. It's just basically how it is.

All right? So there we go. Now, how about what do you say? I can find it a little bit of advertising at this point. Gamefly.com, everybody. Do you like playing video games? Well, good. I have a great website for you.

Gamefly.com. Right now, you can try the new Max Payne 3, Ghost Recon, or the Special Ops game. That sounds like one that I would like. I love those games. You get to go around just killing people for as long as you want for the fraction of the cost of the game. Gamefly.com offers over 8,000 video games for PlayStation, Xbox, Wii, and now your PC. Do you realize how insane that is?

Youngsters, please don't take that for granted. Do you know like back in the day when I was a kid, if you had an Atari and you had like 12 games, like people were jealous of you? 8,000 video games for PlayStation, Xbox, Wii, and now your PC. For my listeners only, you get free 15 days to disk offer. Just give it a try. And if you like it, you know, after 15 days, if you like it, you keep it. If you don't, you can cancel it.

It's free. Everybody. Free. 15 days, 8,000 games for free. This is my whiskey voice here. You know, you can't beat that. Either you want it or you don't. Are they doing that down the car dealership?

Hey, take this Corvette out for 15 days. At the end of 15 days, if you want to buy it, you can. If not, just bring it back. But until then, it's free, including the gas. They would never do that. That would be insane. Well, they're doing it at Gamefly.com. So go to bill bird.com.

The podcast page. You click on the game fly banner or go to www.gamefly.com slash for my for a special. For a special my listeners. What? Come on people. I can't read for love of God, at least write it correctly. Gamefly.com slash for for a special my listeners only free 15 day to disk trial. Yeah, that wasn't me.

That was them. All right. Did you guys understand that by the end of it? I was doing so well with that copy to, you know, all right, let's get the last one out of the way so I can just be like a moron for the rest of this. Amazon.com. Everybody. All right.

Do you go there? Do you buy stuff? Well, if you're thinking to go in there rather than going directly to Amazon.com. Once again, go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the Amazon banner and just, you know, buy whatever the hell you want. I'm not saying you got to buy anything, but if you want to buy something, if you go through my website to do it, they're going to kick me back a little bit of that money and 10% of that goes to help the, the wounded warriors project.

So you'll be supporting my podcast and supporting the troops and it doesn't cost you any extra money on Amazon.com. All it does is wear out your index joint just a little bit more by having to click two more times. That's all it does. And you go to point at some kid, I should get off of my property and your finger locks. You can blame me. Okay.

But until then you'll be, you'll be, you'll be helping out my podcast and more importantly, you'll be supporting the troops and I got to tell you, it's awesome. It's always been a great thing. You know, I've been, I've been able to send out a checks to the wounded warriors project, which makes me feel great. It's just a great cause. And I've been doing, it just been rounding up to the nearest hundred anyways. And I'm actually thinking about giving, you know, even more than that.

Okay. Come on. How do you, how do you beat that project? You know? All right. That's it. All right. Let's move on here.

Advice. Don't take shit from anybody. Question mark. Bill, sometimes you end your podcast with go fuck yourselves and don't take shit from anyone. Well, let me tell you my story. Back in November, a cop pulled me over, roughed me up, was a huge asshole and wrote up every rinky, dinky ticket he could. Now, okay.

Now, wait a minute. What happened? You were just driving down the street and this guy just pulled you over. I need a little bit of the backstory here. What's this guy did? You know, did he get into a big fight with his wife and then took it out on you? Or we, did you say something wise to the guy and he said, all right, I'm not the fucking mood.

Anyways, let's see if we can figure it out here. At the end of the altercation, I shook his hand, looked him straight in the eyes and gave him that look that says, I will see you in court asshole. I showed up in court this Monday to defend myself. My plan was to stand before that asshole and have him explain his actions to me in a court of law. Yeah, dude, this ain't going to work out unless you had a witness. I wanted to ask him, even then that doesn't work out.

I wanted to ask him if twisting my arms so much that I couldn't use it for a few days was justified. I wanted to ask him why he decided that me five, six, 175 pounds was a threat to him, six foot to six foot three, 250 that he need to hit me from behind. Dude, call me an asshole, but I'm not 100% buying this story because you didn't say what happened before this. This guy just did this. Is this guy like the fucking worst cop ever?

I don't know. Here we go. I wanted to know why he needed to demean me while I was handcuffed in the back of the paddy wagon. I then wanted to ask him how many excessive force complaints he had against him. The answer is four. Oh, shit. So I'm wrong here.

I wanted to ask him how his marriage ended. His ex-wife has a restraining order against him for domestic violence. All right, I tap out. You're right. You're right. I wanted to ask him what part of protect and serve. Did he not understand? I wanted to end the questioning with him explaining how he got caught on a cell phone camera

assaulting a motorist. You can look up the video on YouTube under Milwaukee police Lambo driver LAMBO driver. Here's what sucks in Milwaukee. If the cop that wrote you the ticket decide doesn't show up in court, your case is dismissed and you don't have to pay anything. Well, guess, guess why I told you that the piece of shit didn't show up in court. That's awful. I need advice.

Do I let this all be water on the bridge or do I take this fucker down? I really want justice, but I don't want to be beaten by other cops. What should I do? Um, well, I think you just shed some light Milwaukee police Lambo driver. All my listeners will probably look up and watch that. Um, no, this guy sounds like a dangerous guy. Look, you know, this is what I would do if I was going to try to take this dude down. What I would do is, you know what the local news loves doing now?

They love showing like YouTube videos and they love talking about Twitter and all that type of stuff because they're desperately trying to get the kids and people because they're losing all this viewership to, uh, to the internet. So the fact that you, you have this controversial thing, you have this fucked up law and you have a YouTube video of this guy, um, that makes, that's like one of those perfect little pieces, you know, coming up next Milwaukee police officer, a little out of line, check out the YouTube video that everybody's been talking about all the other day. I mean, you could go that way.

Um, but yeah, I mean, you're taking a, uh, you're definitely going to take a fucking risk. Um, you know, so you know, Ronnie King died this week and that brought up that whole video and all that type of shit. And I know, you know, the guy just pulled over. That's what you're supposed to do. I know, I mean, look, who's getting new Ronnie King was going to get beat down no matter what.

I mean, if you run from the fucking cops, I don't give a fuck who you are. You're going to get beat down. If you get back up, you're charging a couple of times apps, the fucking Louis, but you know, there's got to be a way to take a guy down without giving him 12 fucking skull fractures. You know what I'm saying? It's a fight. I don't know. It's a fight.

It's, it's, it's a fucking thankless job. And then it's a really dangerous job if the wrong kind of person gets, uh, gets the job. Why did my phone just go off? Oh, that's right. I gotta do that shit. So, um, I don't know, personally, I can't, I can't ever watch that Ronnie King thing again. That's like fucking most brutal thing ever.

And actually when you watch that now you go, thank God they got fucking, uh, what do you call those things? Taser? What do you call, what do you call those things? What do they call those things that you, they just, uh, they zap you. Did you guys ever see that one, um, that one where they, the cop? What the fuck do you call those things? He got tased.

He got fucking. Is it a taser? Cleo, why am I so dumb, huh? Fucking love this dog. You know that Cleo, um, underrated having a dog. It's the best fucking thing ever. Anyways, this, this, I gotta, I gotta get you this YouTube video now that I brought it up.

It's, uh, it's basically they're doing a demonstration of one of those fucking things, whatever the fuck you call them that I just can't think of. Why do I keep saying it's a taser? I know it's not a, is it a taser? You got tased and I can't fucking, my brain is mush. So anyways, there's one cop going to zap another cop to, uh, to demonstrate it to the class. Look, man, I don't give a fuck how much of a man you are. You get fucking zapped with electricity.

You're going to make a noise. Most guys go like, and they fucking go down a, um, this guy fucking shoots it at the guy. And this dude sounds like he's like ending an opera. He gets tased. He's like, just fucking drops literally something like that and drops. And I just love how the cop who shoots him tries to act like he just didn't scream out like a little fucking girl, man, it's hilarious. But, um, but getting back to that, yeah, dude, that's, that's a serious, um, that's a serious

thing. And you, you know, if this guy really is as bad as you're saying, you know, the right thing is not to let it go. The right thing is to try and shed some light on it and hopefully that they can get this guy off the force because he's given decent cops a bad name. There you go. So, but your, your worries are definitely, uh, you know, valid. I mean, considering none of those cops during the Rodney King, none of them got fucking,

they got, they got off. You can get off doing that. I mean, Jesus Christ, you know, that dude who shot that kid on that platform in Oakland, that was fucking brutal. He's like, Oh, I thought it was my, uh, thought it was my house keys. I didn't realize it was my gun. And he fucking got away with that. I'm not trashing cops.

I'm just saying, I'm not saying they're all fucking bad, but I'm just saying, I mean, it's a, it's practically fucking impossible. Um, it literally, even if you have video, I think you, you have to have the combination of having video and then you have to be, you have to be at a certain level of, uh, wealth and influence because if you're broke, you know, I don't think that they're, you know, there's no way they're just going to be like, yeah, go fuck yourself. You're done, you know, and then when you add racism into it, I mean, you're pretty

much, it's pretty much game set and match, which is fucking unfortunate. So, um, I don't know, I'm talking about society way beyond my fucking intellect. So I'm going to tap out here already trashed fucking hair metal. And I'm going to have fucking angry, uh, psycho cops mad at me and then other people fucking think, I don't know what the fuck, okay. Response to having kids, um, my kid is turning me into a queer. Okay. Hey, Bill, I listened to the latest podcasts.

Like I always do. I heard that you, I heard you start to make a crack about having kids, then catch yourself and, and say, I hear it's, I hear it's the greatest thing ever though. Uh, I'm a total hard ass attitude, attitude wise, at least. Um, not a tough guy, bully piece of shit. Um, all right. So you're, you're a ball, you're a ball breaking wise ass like me. So anyways, I'll make this short so you can read something more interesting.

I crack, cunt jokes, listen to rock music and watch sports nonstop. But my newborn son is queering me up. If he gives me one more cute look or giggle, it'll probably start a path to a wardrobe of visors, khaki shorts, braided leather belts, and penny loafers with no socks. I bet in a few years, I'll probably raise the pitch of my voice. And at the end of every, at the end of every question I ask him. Um, well, that's good.

That gives me hope. You sound like an angry, walled off emotional psycho. And, uh, this kid's making you giggle. Honestly, sir. When was the last time you giggled? You know, that's when you know you had a fucked up childhood is he actually legitimately giggle and then it makes you hate yourself. And then you actually, even when you're by yourself, if you giggled, you actually

get embarrassed, you literally to the point your face gets a little flush. Um, like that's how much shame you carry for actually having any sort of opinion on any sort of emotion that isn't just straight up, go fuck yourself. Well, that's good, man. I'm happy for you. Um, I hope, I hope that happens to me someday. I hope I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, you know, I don't know, mature enough at some point to ever have a kid.

Uh, dilemma, uh, Bill, what would you choose, um, to either have sex with any woman in the world, Nia wouldn't mind. I wouldn't care if she gave a shit. If I had my choice of any fucking woman in the world, just to do it one time. Uh, that wouldn't be worth it. It wouldn't be worth it to lose Nia, but it, but my dick would override that wisdom in the moment. Um, or to have access to the truth about any government secret in history.

What would you do? All right. Well, how would I know any government secret in history? What would they know that I knew it and then they'd start tracking me down and then I'd have to be like fucking Jason Bourne for the rest of my life. Never getting to sleep more than five seconds between concussions. Um, all right. First of all, if I could have sex with any woman in the world, who would it be?

Uh, let's see here. Well, you got, okay, you got, you got your major groups. I think you have four major groups. You have famous, you have celebrity women. Um, you have, uh, like celebrities, like movie stars, then you have, you have, uh, rock star chicks, sports chicks, and then you got chicks from your past, you know, some teacher you always wanted to bang. Any woman in the world, you're going to go back, but she has to be as hot as she was.

Oh, this is a dilemma. Oh, by the way, the other day I was at a comedy club and that, that, uh, pink was down, was actually in the crowd and, uh, I didn't go up or anybody. She walked by fucking absolutely like slump against the wall. Beautiful. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. Um, I'm telling you, some of that, those fucking like super famous people, like they don't even look real when they walk by you.

They're just like, they're genetics. Like I don't know what happened, but I'm just like, Jesus fucking Christ. You know, I mean, I knew she was good looking, right? I've seen the videos, but everybody looks good in videos, you know, and then half the time you see them in fucking real life. I'll tell you this right now. If you ever see pink, she does not disappoint. Fucking just right down the checklist.

Absolutely fucking gorgeous. You know, beautiful fucking dress that was sexy, but not slutty. She had the fucking tattoos, but not too many of them. Fucking just absolutely, uh, fucking gorgeous. I felt like I was in second grade. Um, you know, like when a beautiful girl walks by, you're like, you don't even know what to say. Um, all right, so let's get back to it.

So if I could bang any woman in the fucking world, well, there's two kinds of women. There's the woman that your fucking is absolutely gorgeous and makes you believe in an afterlife. And then there's the other girl you want to bang just to shut her the fuck up. You know what I mean? Like I bet there's a lot of liberals out there

that want to just bang and culture, just stick that dick right in her fucking mouth. You know what I mean? But not like a totally malicious way. Just really put one on her where she's just fucking losing it and, you know, making noises in bed that she didn't even know she could make and, uh, you know, and make her be able to make those noises,

even though she knows that you voted for Obama, you know, there's that kind of fucking right. And then there's the other one where you just want to fucking, uh, you know, run down the beach hand in hand with some girl. At least in my world, that's the only, those are the only two. Well, what I do, you know what? I would choose, uh, I would choose sex with any woman in the world

because, um, that government learning a government secret, I've actually done that on a certain level. And it just, it's like being in show business is when you're like, wouldn't it be cool to meet this person and then you meet them and they're like the biggest fucking asshole ever. Or they, uh, I don't know. They just like, they just do something that just, it just blows your whole fucking image.

It's, it's, it's the Wizard of Oz thing. Well, you, you don't want, you don't want to peek around the corner. You don't want, you don't want to peek around the corner. So what, what I would do is, uh, I would definitely, I would, I would, I would, I would have sex with someone. And, and you know what? I'm, it would have to be somebody famous.

And, uh, then out of respect for Nia, it would have to be just to shut them the fuck up kind of woman. Although I would love to run down the beach, you know, why can't I have that? Why can't I have happiness? All right, let's, let's pick one, one of each. All right. Is there any girl I just wanted to shut the fuck up?

I would say back in the day, it would have been Madonna, but like she would just, she was like beyond annoyance. She was so fucking annoying. She was so fucking annoying. She was like, I would just want to get out of the room. You know what I mean? Nia always watches that blonde ambition tour, and there's nothing more nauseating

than watching somebody who's surrounded by yes men. You know what I mean? They just completely fucking obnoxious. Everything they say, everyone's hanging all over every word, and they just laughing at everything. Like that's, you know, something that's one thing that I have learned in this business is, uh, a major red flag is somebody who has an entourage.

If you have an entourage like, uh, I don't know. I've already, I, I, I automatically judge you as like, all right, this person is, uh, is not somebody I'm going to want to fucking be around. Cause the only way I'm going to be able to exist is this, I assimilate into your entourage. And when you tell the joke that isn't funny, I can't be like, I can't look at you like that joke sucks.

I have to fucking do like what they're doing. You know, laugh my ass off because you're paying for my hotel room, the fuck out of here, right? That and, and people who don't hang out with peers, you know, maybe they don't have an entourage, but everybody they hang out with is fucking like 10 years behind them in this business. Then that's another, that's another red flag.

Because then nobody's calling you out on your shit. Right? That's, that's how I look at it. How did I get to that with this shit? You know what? I'm going to have to get back to you on this one. You know, I'm a fucking 44 year old guy. So I don't really sit, you know, when I was younger, I had my, my, I'll go back in the day, my list.

Okay. When I was a kid, the bionic woman, all three Charlie's angels, Farrah, I wanted to bang. I had lust for her. Kate Jackson, I would marry and Jacqueline Smith, you know, it's your fault for standing between the two of them. See, you're going down too. But you know, I didn't need Jacqueline Smith

because I already had the brunette with, with fucking Kate Jackson. Then who else? Who else in the 80s? I like what's her face. The replacement for Shelley Long. It was in the look who's talking. She came on at that horse smoky, horsey fucking smoky voice, whatever the fuck you supposed to say.

It's supposed to sound way more sexy than that. She had nice fucking curves. Got a little out of control there after a while, but you know, she still has nice hips, I gotta tell you. Who else? You know, it's weird. Florence Henderson, when she had the worst mullet haircut, always turned me on more than when she had that awful

fucking, oh, Marsha, Marsha Brady, when she fucking had the little short skirts on. Fucking Janet Jackson, when she was on different strokes. Who else? Ah, just it goes on for fucking ever. I just can't remember anymore. There's never Cindy Lauper. I could tell you that.

She just seemed like some spaz little fucking boy to me. Yeah, then that fucking haircut that she had, was she fucking had like a tic-tac toeboard on the side of her head. That just really freaked me out. Not that I was totally against that haircut, because I thought that chicken, wow, wow, wow, I thought she was hot. Who the fuck else?

Did I like Lita Ford? Oh my God, did I like her? I think I might have. There's somebody back then. I can't fucking remember. Anyways, is that the podcast? Can I end on possibly liking Lita Ford? All right, if you had to bang any of the runaways,

who would you bang? I would have said Pat Benatar, because she was the hottest, but just, you know, knowing that she didn't really want to do it, you know, that would be awful. And we could tag team another chick with her. I don't fucking know. All right, listen, this is, I got shit to do.

This is the podcast for this week. I apologize for it being so damn late. Keep the emails coming. And I'll keep doing the podcast. I guarantee you next week's podcast, I will be doing Sunday night, so it's ready for Monday morning, even on the East Coast, just to make it up for you.

This is my, I apologize that I beat you last night. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Why did you hand the beat? And it's inherited. It runs.

Why? It runs. It has to run. It never runs. It's everything. Once it all bust. And they might get you. My, my, my.

It has to, has to, every mic. Did you hand the beat? And it's inherited. It's inherited. Why? It's inherited. It's inherited. It's everything.

It runs. It's everything. I'm a man of two feet, four decades, and I had three years on it at, before I wouldn't act. Guess I was born to rap. The Mike Lebanon Teflon dawned his back. I striked with better bombs and all to attack.

So reload the pen. Go ahead. Let them in. Every tour's a war. On the morning road again. Surprise the town, the place is live and loud. We vibin' now, walk a while. Let's dive in the crowd.

Never hit the ground. They catch me and carry me around. They put me right back on stage. They shut it down. From New York to Cali. Japan and Hot Tally. I'm known as the Mike before Muhammad Ali. I'm worldwide.

My brother's beat. They give me up. Keep the girls occupied. Lovin', diggin' me what? Ain't around when I come to town. They mad bad. Like Saddam. They even say I'm the bombing bag.

The ins and musts, the eyes, the after-offs. It's my boss, boss. Every other country. Any mind, it's your hand. The main, it's the ins and herit, it runs. What? It runs, it's the rock. It never runs in the family.

Runs the musts, it's our boss. And they might just like my plush. And at the every mind, it's your hand. The main, it's the ins and herit, it's every, it's the herit. In the end, it runs, it runs in the family. It's the musts, the eyes, the after-offs. Rockin' the law, the ins and the latter. Obesity, the main, it's the ins and herit, it runs.

It never runs in the family. It's the musts, it's our boss. And they might just like my plush. And at the every mind, it's your hand. The main, it's the ins and herit, it's every, it's, it's the herit. In the end, it runs in the family. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen.

And they every, every rot. Every rock in my lock. Ladies and gentlemen, every and this man, it's super tuning. It's a super dynamite. Ever, ladies and gentlemen. At anger, rock and rock. In the anger, rock that every rock is my lock.

Ladies and gentlemen, every, every, every, every. What else can I say? This man is every super dynamite. Ah, ah, super dynamite. And every rock in my lock. Ladies and gentlemen, every, every, every rock in my lock. Ladies and gentlemen, what, what else can I say? This man is every super, every, every, every.

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