Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-24-21

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

Bill rambles about playoffs, 'Sex and the City', and finishing things.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcasted. I'm just checking in on you. That's all this is. I'm just checking in to see how it's going. It's opening back up, baby. Friend of mine in New York City. Holy shit. What the fuck happened? I was watching this Philly Washington game. It was five to five. Guy hits a fucking home run. Two run shot, dude. No, it's nine to five. I don't know what happened. What's funny was the fucking second baseman I was enjoying on the Washington senators was making fun of the Philly crowd that was giving him shit. So of course, you know, I'm rooting for him. Any performer that's

given a crowd shit. I love an athlete on the road, trashing the home base fans. It's one of my favorite things to watch, unless it's fans of a Boston team. Then I take it personally, you know? So I'm kind of like, you know, the people that bitch at a comedy show now, where everything's a joke until it comes around to their neighborhood. Then it's not funny. Right? What am I talking about here? I can't even remember what the, I just had a thought. I left. Oh, so a friend of mine was in New York City, saw the Foo Fighters at Madison Square Garden. It was sold out with 20,000 people there. How great is that? It's bad. We're back. Okay. Despite the fact, we had the orange headache cunt and now we got forgetful

Freddie. Thank God for doctors and scientists and all and everybody who worked their asses off. Getting us out of this thing. I can't wait. Oh, freckles. Freckles is going back to Vegas. Turn into the scene. I don't know what crime, whatever the fuck it is. All those bodies are buried out there in that fucking lake, not buried, fucking anchored down. Can you imagine when glow like fucking global warming, when Lake Mead dries up, how many fucking skeletons, gonna be fucking chained to a goddamn dryer or something at the bottom of that lake. However, the fuck they weighed them down. Anyway, I'm very excited to get back out on the road and I'm going to be doing some extended shows, extended time down at

the comedy store next week and making sure my hour is where it needs to be. And these are my first indoor shows on the road, regular shows since this whole thing started. So happy to be back. And it's my first like road gig since that that run of shows I did in December. So it's we get it bill. It's been a while. Okay. All right. Sorry. So anyway, that's where the hell I'm at. So let's talk some sports here is I'm watching a ball game in the middle of the fucking day. You know, so great to have a frigging afternoon game on sitting here. You know, my little fucking area out here in the garage. I got myself an ice cold fucking root beer, a and w they want to sponsor kidding. They don't need me. They got

their own fucking stands out there. This one I cannot not stop at one of those when I'm on the road when there's an a and w fucking sandwich place there's like three of them left. I'm like, I gotta go in there and eat some hot attack food there. Anyway, let's talk sports here. Jesus Christ, the Montreal Canadians. I hate to tell you how much I'm enjoying just watching them as a team. They're fucking great. I mean, they just shut the fucking down last night. They just shut it down. They played the whole fucking game in their own end. The Vegas nights did their power play isn't worth a shit now. I mean, I know it's a little back and forth. I was hoping with Vegas won the previous game that it was going to like turn the tide

and all right, what are we doing here? But they have literally just shut down their top two lines. So now I'm already thinking like, okay, wait a minute. If they play Tampa in the final can they like and they shut down their top two fucking lines? Not saying that, you know, Vegas compares to them. I mean, they have a legit fucking shot. They still stand on the NHL network. The surprising Montreal Canadians will after that game last night, it's no longer surprising. They're a great fucking team. They really are. So who knows, maybe an original 16 will win it. And this will be the first time the cup has been in Canada. I don't get a little head of myself here since 1993. All right. There's people, shit, 28 years old, walking around 27, 28 years

old in Canada, you know, drinking a moulson, sitting at a bar talking to some old timer who's like, you know, 34, old enough to remember it. So tell me this once again, when you were a kid, the Stanley Cup was in Canada. I'm telling you, the Canadians want it. And like it was here for a year. It was here for a year. That's unbelievable. I didn't think it was legal at this point. Yeah, somebody from Canada's got to win it. You know, God knows it's not going to be Toronto. You fucking assholes up three games to one to make those French fucking cunts. Just blow it. And then you blow it again. And you blow it again. Hey, let's get the puck up on our own fucking end. See how that works. Jesus Christ, that bug me. But what do you expect?

It's time. It's time to take the gloves off with the Toronto fucking Maple Leafs. You just got to give them shit. I know Canada is supposed to be, you know, allegedly nice. I think if you're white, it's a really nice place to live. But even then, you feel the prejudices. All right. I know that all the fucking people in Toronto and Montreal, okay, you respect Vancouver. You respect it. Okay, you give it an at a boy, not bad for a city out there. But there's no, no fucking world. Do you fucking respect Calgary? Admit it. You know, you think they're a bunch of animals. Cattle farmers and fucking oil men, right? That's your Texas. Okay. And Toronto and Montreal is

like New York and LA where they think everything else is a fucking flyover place. And then Vancouver is like your San Francisco. But Calgary, Calgary is fucking Lubbock, Texas. I want to do all the cities here. All right. Winnipeg is Des Moines, Iowa. Edmonton. Edmonton is, I would say is like is like Montana or Wyoming. Well, you don't respect the people, but you'd really want to fucking own a vacation property there, you know, just to get away from the city. I'm just guessing here. And for those of you listening to this podcast from Montana or Wyoming, if you were offended, I want you to know that I meant it. We don't respect you. Okay, but we would love to own a log cabin and have somebody else chop the wood for us as we go out there and pretend that we know how to tie

whatever fucking thing you use to tie something to hold something down. All right. We don't respect you. And I'll tell you this, if you've got a problem with it, okay, you get your fucking car, you come out here to Hollywood and you fucking bring it. No kidding. Stand down. Some guy reaching for his fucking rifle right now. Tell you what, boy, I'll get on top of that Hollywood sign. I'll pick y'all off as you're sitting there eating an impossible burger. Out there in Holly Weird. One of the worst insults ever. Holly Weird. Oh, bird. This is the latest out of Holly Weird. That's as bad as when, you know, remember Gaddafi in the papers over here would call them wacky Gaddafi. Like they literally couldn't even come

up with a fucking nickname. They couldn't come up with something that rhymed with Gaddafi. So they had to, they had to change the pronunciation of his last wacky Gaddafi, this guy wacky. You know what's funny? That's all it takes is if it fucking rhymes or it's insulting and sorta sounds like what it was, you can get half the people on your side. You know, all those people that say Holly Weird, they think we're out here fucking drinking baby blood. I'm not saying it doesn't go down, okay? I haven't reached that level of the business, okay? I think that's what they do to pay you. They give you a star and when you figure out what's going on out here, that's when they give you a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

That's their hush money. All right, listen, you got us. We're drinking baby blood out here. Okay, I mean, what do you think was going on? You know, all this money out here, eventually we're going to get bored of fucking putting ketchup on the burger, right? And this is how, that's how they silence them. They give you a three-picture deal and then you get a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That's what I'm saying. I'm going with that. All right, that's my first hot take of the podcast. Deal with it, man. Dude, what happened to the fucking Islanders? You know what happened to the Islanders is I said I thought they were a good team. That's what happens. When I say that that team is a good team, then, you know, I've lost my touch, man. I got

two kids. I don't fucking know shit about anything anymore. So not like you guys didn't always think that, but, you know, I am sitting in a letter chair, by the way. So all this shifting and shit, if you fucking once again going to think that I have some sort of flatulence problem, not saying I do or I don't. Okay, I might, but it's the fucking chair. Okay. So anyway, last night I went out and I had dinner with a buddy of mine that was in town and brought my lovely wife. And my wife got pissed at me because the other night we were at a little get-together, but a lot of get-togethers this month. And somehow these women, they were talking about sex in the city and how they're still watching everything. I go, how do you guys

watch that show? They go, I don't know. I like it. It takes me back to this time in my life. And I go, okay, I get that because I watched these movies in the 70s. It takes me back to a certain time in life. I get it. I go, but you can't tell me that you think it's funny, right? And my wife just shoots me this fucking look and I'm like, oh, there goes the car ride home, right? She gives me the look, right? So anyway, you know, so I heard it about on that one. Why can't you just let people like what they like? It's not my job, sweetheart. So I fucking last night we were out to dinner and my wife's talking to my buddy and they bring up sex in

the city. And the guy actually goes, you know what? I like it if I'm with some woman or whatever and she's into it. I can watch it or whatever. I go, you can deal with those jokes. And he goes, well, you know, he goes, they're so bad. It's kind of like it's funny, right? So I'm like, all right. So then I just started doing the one who bangs every guy has just started doing this stupid like over the top character, you know, with those dumb puns, you know, throughout the dinner. What, you know, if somebody said like, oh, you know what? I want to go out and, you know, tomorrow I want to get some donuts. And I'd be like, oh, I never go into a donut shop. I just want, I can't deal with it unless I'm the only hole in the room. And then I go like, you

know, there's bad sex in the city jokes and I just go sex in the city, honey, try to keep up. I just kept doing that. The whole fucking meal was annoying this shit out of my wife. And then eventually she found it funny and then she started doing it. So that became like the running joke. Sex in the city, honey, try and keep up, right? Whatever the, you know, you know, can I bring the check over? That's not all you can bring over, you know, whatever the fuck it is, right? So, um, what was I going to say? Whatever, we did that for the rest of the meal. So today I'm in the fucking, um, I'm in the, in the, uh, this Uber because I had to pick up my car, right? And I'm in the Uber and my buddies from last night sends me a fucking voice text

with one of those jokes and the voice text goes into my headphones. It was one of those stupid jokes. And then he sent the next voice text, which was sex in the city, honey, try and keep up, right? Except when I hit play, for some reason it played out loud in the Uber. So we're just riding quietly in the car and all of a sudden it just goes, sex in the city, honey, and I quickly hit stop. That was just nothing, right? And I'm looking at the driver going, there's no way he's not going to look at me. And it took him like fucking a quarter of a mile, half mile. And then finally he does that quickly, he didn't move his head. He just did the quick eyeball, look at the rear view mirror to look

at me like, what the fuck is, what if I picked up in my car? Um, embarrassing, embarrassing moment for me. Um, I don't have any of the reads yet. I'm just fucking sitting here, reading all this bullshit. Bambi everybody, Bambi. You know, when running a business, HR issues can kill you. Wrongful termination suits, minimum wage requirements, labor regulations, somebody hitting their head on the bubbler, and HR manager salaries. Hey, those aren't cheap either. An average of $70,000 a year, Bambi spelled B-A-M-B-E-E was created specifically for small businesses. You can get a dedicated HR manager, craft HR policy, and maintain your compliance all for just nine to nine dollars a month. With Bambi, you can change, you can change HR from your biggest

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this right now. When everybody goes back to work and has to be back in the office and all of that type of shit, they're going to have like, you know, hey, you know, that pandemic wasn't that bad. I don't think I missed going into the fucking... So anyway, I got my car back. It's all fixed. It cost me a fucking fortune. But hey, let's talk a little hoop here. I can't remember if I said this yet. I was 100% wrong, you know, about the fucking pile on teams. Both of them lost this year. So I guess they still suck. I hate the fucking pile on teams. But it was fun to root against them. And how about those Phoenix Suns last night with the last second alley-oop to go up two games to none against the LA Clippers? How about the fact during the game, Suns fans

were chanting the iconic beat LA that Celtics fans came up with and they would chant it about the Lakers. It was Suns fans chanting it at the Clippers in the playoffs. Huh? Are we an upside down world? It is pretty amazing, huh? So Jesus Christ, what a fucking way to lose a game. There was like 0.8 seconds left. They throw a fucking alley-oop. The guy catches it, slams it home like he's on a nerf hoop. Even he was looking around like, really? Did we just do that? Two games to none. All right? I'm going big on this one too because I got nothing else. When you don't have guests, you have to go big. All right? That series is fucking over. That series is over. You're not coming back. I don't know. Maybe they will. That should be my sports show. I make a big

fucking statement and then I just counter-addict it. There is no fucking way they're going to lose that series. You know anything's possible. All right. We'll be back. The fuck happened in Long Island? Or was the game in Tampa? I had to shut it off when it was three to nothing. So I had some stupid, whatever the fuck I was doing. I had some dumbass shit I had to go do. And I was thinking like, all right, you know, maybe the Islanders can make this three to two, but there's no way that they're going to come back and win this game. For some reason, I thought it was three to nothing. And it was like the third period. My eyes are starting to go here, but it was still the first period. They fucking, they lost eight to nothing. Touchdown with the two-point

conversion is Joe Bartnick of the Puckoff podcast says. But the great thing is, is that only costs, you know, that only counts as one victory. That series is over. Okay. Here's my predictions. All right. Montreal is winning the series. All right. I don't know if you listened to my last podcast. I said that fucking, I said that Vegas was going to win. And then I was looking at the Islanders. They were going to beat Tampa. And now I'm flipping. I'm flip flopping. I think it's going to be a Tampa Montreal final. And the whole time I've been picking against Montreal, I am now converted. I think they shut down the first two, the top two lines of Tampa. And they hoist a cup for the first time in 28 years and bring the first, the cup, first cup back to Canada in 28 years.

And they'll bring that cup all around the country, except when they have road games against Calgary and Edmonton because they don't trust the animals in that province. What do you think about that? You from Canada? You can tell me anything differently. You're going to tell me, okay, if you're some lady living up there in Canada, you go wave to college and you come home and you say to your dad, this is my boyfriend and he finds out he's from Calgary. What's the first thing he's doing? He's looking down at his shoes to see if it's got oil or cow shit on it. That's what he's doing. That's how it is up there. I don't give a fuck what Michael Moore said in his little documentary up there where he made it look all cutesy and

everybody was getting along. Hockey is a barbaric fucking sport, skating around with clubs, and it's okay to beat the shit out of each other during the game. And you can do it three times until you get kicked out. This is what happened in that little happy go lucky. They came up with that. Look at us down here. Is it because we got all of our fucking violence out on Native Americans slavery, all of that. We've done enough evil shit. We needed to cover our tracks. So we came up with baseball and maybe up in Canada, they'd been so fucking nice. They were just so sick of being pleasant. What was that Jim Carrey movie? Good morning, good evening, and good night, whatever you would say there. They got so sick of being like that that when they get out on the ice

and they got a club in their hand, they just all they're just thinking about is how much they hate their fucking neighbor and then this sport comes about. Or maybe I'm a fucking, is that Joe Girardi coaching the fucking Phillies? I didn't know that. He still looks like he could fucking throw you through a wall, doesn't he? How could that guy be anything other than a catcher? I'll be a coach, he's a manager, but you know what I mean? That guy, you just look at him. I bet when he was eight years old, you're like, that guy is going to play professional baseball. He's going to be a catcher. You just knew it. I don't know. Maybe I'm super imposing my own fucking problems on your country. I'll leave it at that. I'm looking at a commercial right now and I swear to God,

the person in it looks like Tina Yeathers from fucking facts of life, fast heartburn relief, Tom's natural. All right, who's getting who people? I ran out of shit to say fucking 30 seconds into this podcast, but you're still here listening, aren't you? What does that say about you? You like how we did that? You tuned in to be entertained. I'm not doing it. And then I'm going to make it your fault. Like this whole thing was an experiment for me to find out how fucking boring your life is. I'll tell you what won't be boring is I did the Conan O'Brien podcast. Conan needs a friend, taped it on Friday and I think it's coming out this week. And it was one of the hardest I've ever laughed on a podcast. We kind of just got into a zone and acted like idiots. I don't even want

to, I tried to come home and tell my wife what we were riffing about at the end of it. I don't want to ruin it. And she was just staring at me. I texted Conan, I tried to explain it to my wife and he was like, no, no, that's one of those ones. You can't, you can't recreate that. You got to be there for that. So look for that. Look for that episode. Oh, and also I finished watching that amazing movie, investigation of a citizen above suspicion. Now, if you're only kind of in the movies, you're not going to enjoy it because the English that they dubbed over these Italian actors who looked like they were actually speaking English is so fucking bad it might bother you. But it's a really, really amazing movie the way the whole thing is shot and everything. And

I'll tell you the next one that I'm going to be watching here. If you guys want to keep up and then hear my bullshit, my bullshit take on it here. Let's see who the hell sent it to me. There we go. All right, the next movie I'm going to be watching is The Missouri Brakes has Marlon Brando and Jack Nicholson. And here's the log line how they sell the movie. One steals, one kills, one dies. One steals, one kills, one dies. I mean, that's fucking great. It's weird that there's only two guys there. The math doesn't work out for me. Harry Dean Stanton, one of my favorites ever is in this movie. I'm going to be watching that shit. It's kind of what I've been into lately. I don't know why.

Just watching these weird, not weird, good movies that I fucking missed when I was growing up. So anyway, I'm going to be doing some, it's weird. I'm doing these shows at the comedy store to get ready for the shows that I'm going to be doing in Vegas. And then now I'm doing shows to get ready for the shows, the shows to get ready for Vegas. It never ends. Never ends. But that's what you got to do. You know, I was talking to my wife, my lovely wife, the other day. And I was talking to her because she's got this great idea for a show, and we kind of been working on it. And I was telling her that all you got to do is just complete this thing, right? Like that's the big thing with the difference between something

happening and not happening is you completing it. Not this person, not that person, not the people over there. It's you. Because there's a lot of shit out there right now every day. Oh my God, I would have happened if it wasn't for this gatekeeper. And it's just like, okay, all right. So this person's a cunt. But there's a million people out there. Find somebody else, make it yourself. If you like this person kills it, if you allow them to, if you're going to give them that much power, you know, so if you're out there right now and you got something that you want to do, just fucking complete it. If you complete it, you know, it's going to happen as simple as that. I know that's stupid, but it is. And I used to be one of those people, I would not complete

shit. I would, oh, could I start shit? Nobody, nobody was better at starting things and not completing them, you know, starting a book, starting a script, starting this, starting working out, starting fucking whatever, and just not finishing it. I still have problems with that. But what I started to do is I realized that not finishing things had seeped was, was part of my whole life. You know, I'd come home from trips, I wouldn't unpack my luggage would be sitting there for like a fucking week. And then the next day, more shit that I needed to, you know, handle, I didn't handle. And the next thing you know, my apartment would be a mess. And what I started to understand is that every day there's going to be shit you don't want to do. So you should knock it out. So

then, you know, the next day, you don't have to deal with that day's problems and the day before. And also, by doing that, it taught me to complete shit. Like when you come back from a trip, you haven't come back yet until you've unpacked and done all of that shit. You know, and then the next morning you wake up, you know, and everything's fine. You finish the dishes from the night before, you finish them, you dry them, you put away, you come downstairs, clean fucking slate, it puts you in a better mood. And it also, it becomes a discipline that part of eating is, is washing the dishes, drying them and putting them away. And then you start to become this person that starts shit. And then they finish it. You got an infection, they give you the antibiotics, what happens?

People don't finish them. And then these fucking asshole germs, they get stronger. The doctor says, take all the fucking shit till it's gone. It's what you do. But that's not what people do. They don't listen. They don't fucking listen. So that's my thing. If you're like me and you procrastinate and you want to get something done to you, don't fucking get it done. Just start with easy shit. You know, just shit like that. Doing the dishes the night before, waking up, making the bed, completing shit. And then it becomes, it gets in your fucking DNA and it will bug you. I literally, you know, my daughter will go over her Nana's house or whatever and she'll come back. She brings back the scooter or the bike. Second I see that thing sitting there,

I take it, I bring it out to the garage and I put the fucking thing away. I don't wait until the next morning. Now I'm waking up, the bed isn't made, the dishes aren't done, the fucking bike. And all of a sudden my wife goes, could you do me a favor? And then I'm just like, what? What is it now? Right? I'm flipping out. And she's like, where did that come from? Oh, okay. Because I didn't do all the shit I needed to do the night before. So I don't know if any of this shit makes sense. But like I'm telling you, you start doing that shit becomes who you are. And then it seeps into whatever the fuck it is you want to do and you complete shit. And then as long as you're not fixated on results, like I can only equate it to my business, like I'm going to put out a stand-up special and

I put out the stand-up special and I will become the biggest comedian there ever was, right? That's a ridiculous expectation. It's like I'm putting this shit out and some people are going to see it and some people are going to like it. And then you know what? I'm going to do it again and I'm going to do it again and I'm going to do it again. And then eventually I'll have enough fucking people where I'm a draw on the road. And then all of those ones that sort of underperformed and didn't get me where I wanted to be, people will then go back and watch. And then all of a sudden you have this body of work. That's how it works. So whatever your fucking deal is, whatever your dream is. Oh, Billy inspiration face. Is that what I'm doing this week? I don't know. It was

just something I was thinking about because the other day I was talking to somebody and they were like, they were just doing that shit. Hey, what if that shit doesn't happen? What if you don't give a fuck? And no matter what, you just do it. What about that? Well, I don't want to do that. That's scary. Well, then go fuck yourself. All right, that's the podcast everybody. Enjoy the music picked up by the Greek freak, the great Andrew Thamelis. And then we go as Paul Verzi calls him the Greek freak. And then we have a bonus Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast coming in right after, right after the music. And it's from a few years ago, however, Andrew works it out. That's it. Have a great weekend, your cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 24th, 2013. How are you? How's it going? I know it's Tuesday morning. Had to do the math there on the date. I apologize for not doing the podcast earlier. I was in New York this weekend being a fancy man, as Jimmy Norton would say. I was at the premiere of this movie that I have a really small role in. It's called The Heat. It stars Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. And Michael Rappaport, now all these all these people, all these people are in it. And yours truly, oh, Billy Redface is in it for a couple of seconds. Don't blink. Oh, you will miss me. But that movie comes out this weekend. This upcoming weekend, I should say so do me a solid day, dude, go out and

check it out if you can. I really appreciate it's a very funny movie. And I got to do the whole Hollywood thing went back to New York, walk the fucking red carpet. You know, and answered a couple two or three questions that went in. I saw the movie, I enjoyed it. And then I got drunk with Jota Rosa and Paul Versey. You know, what else could you ask for in a weekend? I know what you could ask for. Yeah, fucking game six victory. To send it to fucking game seven back in Chicago. That's something I could have asked for. I could ask for the hockey gods to be just how about we get a fucking lucky bounce? How about one of our shots goes off the boards and bounces in a weird way and ricochets off five fucking guys and goes in the neck and we get one of those just one. And

you know what it was not meant to be hats off to the Stanley Cup champions. Chicago Blackhawks, they are definitely without a doubt the best team this year. And you know, they would just better. That's all I can say they were better. One goal better every fucking game it seemed. But I gotta admit, I, you know, there's no one on that team I hate and that says something after watching them for six games like nobody on that team is a cunt. You know, they got one they got they have one pest. That's it. Other than that, you know, we got a pest in March on. So I will tell you what's fucking annoyed me though is I don't know what this white haired dude's name is, but I'm watching on NHL.com. How do you mispronounce Chara's name?

You know, he kept calling him Chara. Well, the broads got they got Chara back there eating a bully. It's like he just got brought up from the fucking miners. Guys want a Norris trophy. You can't pronounce his fucking name correctly. Anyways, Jesus Christ, you want to talk about a fucking just taking the wind out of your sales, sitting there on the edge of your seat, thinking, okay, just hold on, hold on, hold on, don't let them tie it up. They fucking tie it up. And then they score another one. What was it 17 seconds later? The first one I'll go with, but you just you can't let that other one happen. But I don't know fucking Dave Bowling guys just a great hockey player. I don't know how the fuck that happened. How does it happen? You know, it kills me fucking

kills me. But it was a great series and an original 16 one and I actually still like the Black Hawks. And I think they have fucking great uniforms. And God damn it. God fucking damn what the fuck two goals. I mean, we literally went from okay, I mean, I'm like, thinking in my head, all right, game seven, can do you think they can do it again? As I'm freaking out, hold on, hold on, hold on. And then they fucking tie it up. And I was like, Oh, God, another fucking overtime you're killing me. Can I fucking mentally make it through another fucking overtime? As I sit here having no effect on the game for some reason stressing out, could I make it through it? Oh, right there. I guess, I guess we don't have to go to overtime. Thank you, Dave Bowling for just fucking ended that real

quick. But I got to tell you, I was blown away by what the Bruins were able to do this season. That, you know, actually, you know, game one and game six was kind of the Bruins team that I saw years where they would get up to one, three, one, and they had problems holding on to a lead. So I actually thought I didn't even think they were going to make it out of the first round. So I can't say I was psyched that that happened. Whatever, we got a great core base. We can come back, bring up fucking Dougie Hamilton. He got a lot of experience. The only good thing about the Hawks winning it in Boston was I didn't have to listen to that stupid. Just when you think nothing can be more annoying than whatever after after a goal, that fucking mindless song and looking

at those fat fucking brought eating Chicago fan, but with that dumb mustaches, they even have them might just thinking of a fucking SNL sketch at that fucking song. You might as well be you might as well. What is that fucking song I get knocked down, but I get up again. Like those are songs that should only be played, you know, when you're on a cruise ship, and you've just signed up for the aerobics class. You know what I mean? Nobody listens to those fucking songs. You really got to get rid of that other than that top to bottom. I think Chicago is a great organization. But you know, they always got to have something fucking douchey to either appeal to kids or just get mindless, fiddle, faddle, eat and fucking morons to buy tickets. Yeah, I did say fiddle, faddle. It

still exists. God damn it. That shit was good when you were a kid. Send it right through the fucking roof with the sugar. They always got to have something like that, you know, like the red socks, WALL-E. Really? WALL-E? Ugh. How many women were in the room when that came up? That fucking name. Oh my God, that's cute. You know what? I'm not going to blame women. This is not a sex battle of the sexist topic. This is just a fucking douche chill topic. And you can file all of that. Let's add to it. You know what I mean? Now I'm being honest about my teams. Why don't we do that next week for a topic? Write in something, you know, of your home team that they do that they just really, that's just such a blatant fucking reach out to try to grab non-sports fans.

You know what's creepy about WALL-E with the Boston Red Sox is that's really like, I mean, a team is basically like a religion. So you're trying to get them when they're young. So it's, it's like you're giving them candy. You know, it's just something creepy about it. We'll have a fucking adult come walking up in some big furry fucking outfit or whatever the hell the goddamn thing wears, right? Be like on a mission to be friendly to kids, not because it's the right thing to do, not because you love kids, because you know someday that kid is going to have some sort of alcohol problem and want to hopefully want to get hammered at your ballpark and you want his booze money in your fucking pocket, right? All done under the guise addressing up

like a fucking wooly mammoth. You know? Oh, that's right people. I'm pulling, I'm looking behind the curtain of mascots this week. I'm pulling back that curtain. I'm showing you the ugly fucking truth. Oh, it's going to be a while. It's going to be a while before I get over the kick in the balls that that last fucking minute and 10 seconds was. It was, I think they kicked my left ball first and then Dave Bolin was the fucking right ball. Not only did they knock the Bruins out of the playoffs, not only do we not win the cup, but now simultaneously hockey is over and I have to wait for the NHL all the way until October. So you know what? You know, I'm going to get over this Bruins loss. I'm going to watch the day game. There's nothing better than

watching a day game Dodgers game out here. You just sit there by yourself sipping on a fucking lager and you listen to Vince Scully. It's great. It takes a second though. Like I think how deep into the summer, obviously there was a strike this year, but how deep into the summer that basketball and the NHL goes and like how up tempo and high scoring and all that while hockey is not really high scoring, but whatever. Just how the energy level to go from that to then settle into a great day for a ball game. We got a couple of going to be a pitcher's duel here at Kamitsky. That's ball one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't even play that as fast. That, that, that, that, that just fucking, you got to settle into it. You have to settle into

baseball. You know what I mean? It's like you haven't been driving like a fucking maniac. And then your girl looks at you and it's just like, you're scaring me. Stop it. Right. And then you have to fucking mentally bring yourself down from that playoff energy that you will fucking drive in with and you got to somehow calm yourself down and then literally wave somebody into your lane. That's what it's like to go from the Stanley Cup finals or even the NBA finals. The NBA finals were great. That was another heartbreaker watching the Spurs lose that one. And, um, and my frustration continues with these pile on fucking teams. I've come to the, uh, the acceptance that it is a new fucking error, I guess. So I'm going to quit

whining about it. And obviously all of those guys who won on Miami could have won in any era, but it's just, I hate it cause I don't know how to compare them to bird magic and all those other guys because, uh, you know, cause bird magic and Moses Malone never hung out on P Diddy's yacht. Right. But their own line of flip flops or whatever the fuck they would have had back then, if it was like today and, uh, decided that they were all going to go join the fucking Milwaukee Bucks or something. So I don't know. So congratulations also to the Miami heat. I don't hate the heat the way, uh, most Celtics fans do, um, or hate Ray Allen. I mean, Ray Allen wasn't ours. The way Miami got him is the same way we got him. So I don't know what you're crying about.

And as far as the Miami, he go, I mean, good on them. I mean, they're always going to be a fucking expansion franchise to me. All right. With their little single digits fucking championships. What do they got three? They got three. Is that what they got? How many they got? I don't fucking know. Yeah. They got three. And, uh, they might be the next Lakers cause they bought all three of them. All right. Enough of my fucking bitch moaning and complaining and whining. Um, oh, by the way, last night, I don't know if he's posted it yet, which would be classic Jay Moore to post it and then give me shit for not retweeting about it. Um, I did Jay Moore's podcast. We had a great time and, uh, about 10, 15 minutes in, I tried to take him to task about his flippant fucking,

or how I read his a flippant text message and he fucking took my, he took my legs out by immediately apologizing. It just kind of ended the whole fucking thing. But, uh, you know, it was still, we still had a great time. Um, so anyways, what a, what a fucking week in the world of sports, especially in Boston, the Bruins lose a heartbreak. Um, dark rivers, signs with the fucking clippers. Um, I'm going to believe in Danny Angel on this one and I'm going to go with the philosophy that you don't want to pay a coach $7 million a year when he has no chance to win cause you're going to just start from scratch. But I got to tell you, like eventually you're going to need a dark rivers to take you to the promised land. You know, the guy knows how to fucking win.

Um, I don't know. It sounded like, I don't know, from the couple things that I saw, it sounded like doc didn't want to go through a rebuilding thing and the Celtics wanted to rebuild. So they let him out of his contract. So thanks to dark rivers and everything he did for bringing the fucking Celtics back. And, uh, I'm going to believe in Danny Angel as we go through the rebuilding process, although I hate getting rid of fucking proven people for draft picks. I was actually watching this morning. I couldn't sleep. I was so fucking upset about that loss last night. And, uh, I put on the NBA channel and I was watching the 2001 draft and, you know, it's not the guys that make it. It's the guys that don't that fucking, it just, I forget who the 76ers

picked in 2001, but he was some 20 year old kid, you know, supposed to be this shot blocking phenom. And I, I never even heard of the guy, not like I'm the biggest NBA fan, but, uh, so that's what makes me nervous about that shit. So, uh, other than that, what else happened in Boston Sports? Aaron Hernandez, that story gets sadder and creepier by the fucking day. Did you see the guys house fucking house? That's it. You made it. You can have that house at 20 fucking three. I would just think he's just sitting in that house just wishing he could just rewind his life fucking six days, you know, and just stay home and watch fucking Beethoven part three. You have to be thinking that unless you're just a complete psycho, but, uh, all this shit is alleged at this

point, but all of his fucking actions, he's got to be neck deep in this shit. Can you turn in your cell phone and it comes in like you drove over it with your fucking car. You clean your house and then you have a bunch of people come in and reclean it. By the way, any cops out there? Any cops out there? Hey, you know what? Let's, let's go against the grain here. Um, I actually a long time ago when I was doing the uninformed show with the, uh, the T90 sensation, Joe DeRosa, we actually had, uh, this police officer come in that we knew through a Gotham comedy club and he came in and the big thing was, uh, me and Joe, we're going to try, both of us individually individually, we're going to try to come up with the perfect murder.

So we come up with our scenarios. We bring the cop in and I go to pitch mine and this is, this is how far I got in mine. I go, all right. So me and a friend of mine, and then he goes up, that's it. He goes, you're already caught. And I'm like, what do you mean? I'm already caught. He goes the second you involve somebody else. He goes the chances of getting caught. It's, it's, if, if mathematically it was possible to go beyond a hundred percent, um, that's what you're doing with that because now you got, you had just have twice the chances of somebody rolling over, somebody getting paranoid, somebody saying the wrong fucking thing, somebody feeling guilty, somebody leaving some hay is at the crime scene, the

whole fucking thing. His, his basic thing was if you have no priors and you just go out and kill somebody that you have no connection to, no connection to, and nobody fucking saw it, you know, how they going to catch you. And then the other thing he says is do not move the body. He goes, just leave it there. He taught, told me a story about somebody fucking killed somebody. It felt bad for the dog. So he took the dog with them or something like that. And that's how they ended up connecting them to the crime scene was the dog hairs. He took the dog and let it go, hoping someone would fucking rescue it. I don't know what, but they found this, the dead dude's dog hairs in his fucking car. It's over. You know what I mean? It's fucking over.

How did I get on this subject? It was just a fucking creepy ass week. And then Paula Dean running around, dropping the fucking N word evidently is she's making a fucking souffle. You know, I actually met her one time when I was in Atlanta. She seemed like a sweetheart. I told her, I go, you know what? I go, you cook like my mom. And she's like, you know what? That's like the nicest thing anybody could say. I don't know. What do you do? So now what? So now you fire and does that make her less ignorant? Does that help her say the N word less when she's baking cookies? I don't know. Then you know what? I think each race should have like an ambassador, right? And when somebody does some shit like that, like the ambassador just they just go out

and they go fishing for a weekend, you know, and they just sort of talk it out. And you give that person a frame of reference. So anytime they think it's some ignorant shit, they go, wait, what about someone so I went fishing with? You know, it's not all bad, right? Or that guy in ESPN when he said the stuff about gay people, you know, go send him to a musical. I don't fucking know. I don't know, but I don't know if the firing thing. Ah, Jesus Christ. Oh, speaking of Jesus, no, Jesus. Did you guys? Did you guys see that fucking dude? Walk on that wire all the way across the Grand Canyon? Did you see that shit? That was one of the most incredible fucking things I've ever seen in my life. In my life.

I always have to repeat that twice when I say in my life. And you know why that is? Because I saw I watched wife swap a long time ago. This one family, they were living like pirates. If anybody can find this clip for me, it's one of my favorite clips. This guy just decided he we were all his whole family was going to live like pirates. They dress like pirates and they just walked around. They had no fucking responsibility. The guy was totally avoiding being like an adult. So he worked from home or whatever. So they swap wives. So his pirate wife leaves and then comes like some fucking totally conservative Nancy Reagan business suit wearing woman. And she's just like, nah, dude, you need to go get a job or whatever. So he goes and he does some

job filing and he comes home that day, right? After living like a pirate, he has to put on this monkey suit and go down and fucking earn a living and he comes home and she just goes, so how was it? And he goes, that was the worst day of my life. And she goes, well, you know, when he goes off my life, he screamed it again. It's fucking great. So anyways, getting back to the fucking ginger who walked across the wire. Dude, I watched it after because everybody kept tweeting me going, Bill, hey, I'm really rooting for you. You put on some weight, but I'm really rooting for you to walk across the Grand Canyon. So I kind of heard about it. So I was already laughing going, all right, this guy must look

like me a little bit. But anyways, when I was flying back from New York City, I watched it. And I was, I was like, my palms were sweating watching this fucking guy 1500 fucking feet in the air with no net, no lifeline, no anything. And he's walking across the wire and the every step is, oh, thank you, Jesus. Oh, thank you, God, Lord, you are Lord. Thank you for getting rid of the wind. Like just fucking 30 mile an hour wind. This guy is, and then he's got his douchebag father going, okay, you're you're one minute and six seconds into the journey. You're one minute and 36 seconds. He let his dad do this until about minute 18. And he just finally just goes, dad, dad, I don't need you to tell me how long I've been out here. Like his fucking arms are tired

as hell. It was like Flanders, you know, getting mad, like he couldn't be like dad, but if I was on the wire, I'd be like, you shut the fuck up. All right, what difference does it make how fucking long I'm out here? What am I going to punch a clock and fucking go to sleep and come back tomorrow, you asshole trying to walk across the wire, right? So this fucking guy, he's just sitting, not sitting, he's walking across doing like this little slide step, you know, how you would sort of like insert yourself into a photo to photo bomb somebody. Just, you know, that little slide step you do, he's doing that with these little ballet slippers on. Now I gotta tell you, I was interested that he didn't have those shoes with the little toes on them. You know, those creepy

fucking things that just makes you want to just, you know, it makes your teeth hurt to look at them. Surprised he didn't have those. Maybe it's his case, he had a problem. He could lock his big toe with the index finger toe, right? Hang on, like a fucking monkey. So anyways, he's sitting there stepping across it going, oh, thank you, Lord. Thank you, Jesus, Jesus, all glory to you. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Yahweh. At one point, he actually sounded like he was having sex. He was going, yes, Jesus. Oh, Jesus, right? And I know it was bugging people who aren't religious. It didn't bug me at all. I thought that guy was the shit. And if you think I wouldn't be out there talking to every God

that I had ever heard of, I would have, except I would have been, I would have been cursing at the same time. I would have been, oh, thank you, God, you motherfucker. Shit, Jesus. I would have been doing that the whole fucking way. Thank you, God, you motherfucker. I would be doing that way. At some point, I would have crouched down, let go of that balancing thing. And I just would have been hanging on to the fucking wire crying. But what would you do? Dude, there's no fucking way you could ever get me to do it. That guy is like, that guy is the shit. I don't even know his name. I don't even know his name. If he's listening to this, please pray for me. Dude, how is time flying by this fast? 23 minutes in. 23 minutes

in on your Tuesday. All right, let's do, let's read a couple of ads for this week, everybody. Dude, I would have been praying to everybody. Oh, Buddha, Buddha, you fat motherfucker. Just get me across this. I'd want Buddha to be laying down in the cannon in case I felt like I'd land on his fucking stomach. Dude, that guy had to deal with like, I guess if, if, if you, if you're walking in a rhythm, which you know, is basically if you have a consistent gate to how you're walking, when you're on a wire, it starts to bounce up and down. So every once in a while, I guess you either have to slow it down, switch it up or crouch down like this guy was he, but he took a fucking knee. How you do that on a fucking cable? I don't know. Um, I'm actually predicting this

that they're going to start setting up fucking a little tight ropes at gyms because it's good for core strength. You know, somebody will somehow analyze that and they'll put it like literally two feet off the ground with a bunch of AMF mats all around it. And you got to wear a helmet and a fucking harness and all this shit so nobody gets sued. You know, they always do that. Like somebody does some really like manly takes balls the size of the Grand Canyon shit. And then somebody turns it into like a workout, like the boxing workout. They had like the UFC workout where you do the fucking rope thing, you know, you're shaking out those fucking ropes doing all that the same shit those guys do, you do everything except fucking get the balls up to

go fight another man, you know, or woman. Um, so anyways, you know, I just realized, you know, on that, you ever see that, that, that bully beat down thing, which is really, it's, it's a terrible show because the cowards, they still don't stand up to them. There's usually two pussies that the dude's picking on. So it's like, why don't you teach them how to fight? They join forces and then they go in the ring and they fight the bully, right? Why are you sitting there having them outsource their nuts? They're lacking nuts. You know what I mean? Downloading somebody else's balls is more is more what they're doing. And then he goes in and he kicks the shit out of them to make it a little fair. You know, it'd be great. They should take those, those, uh, the female ultimate

fighters and bring them into the ring because they can knock out the average bully, no problem. And then what's funny, that's extra humiliating. All right, that's just an industry note for that show. All right, let's get to the, uh, let's get to the fucking reads here. Uh, Hulu plus everybody, you've tried streaming hit shows on your PC on Hulu.com. Haven't you done that? Well, if you haven't, why don't you catch up with the rest of us? Now it's time to start your free trial of exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices on Hulu plus with Hulu plus. You get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want, use Hulu plus on connected TVs, game consoles, Blu-ray players, uh, Roku, Apple TV, PC, or watch anywhere on your

smartphone or tablet on demand at all times. And with Hulu plus, you can binge on full seasons, watch your favorite current shows, and even full series runs of classic TV shows. It's endless. Personally, I think this is the new way that people are going to start watching TV. You're going to watch it where you want, wherever you want, and you're going to watch entire seasons. Um, there's just so many, this is like a golden age in television. I don't know if you guys have realized this, but as great as the shows were when I was coming up in the seventies and eighties and that type of thing, um, they, they were nowhere to, there was nothing like breaking bad on television. Um, nothing like the wire, nothing like all these, you know, walking dead, walking dead is

like a zombie movie every week. You can watch all of this stuff anywhere you want with Hulu plus, and you can get caught up, you know, so you have to fill out of the loop. If you go to a party and everybody's talking about some show you haven't seen. Anyways, they got all the shows. They got community, modern family, South Park, SNL, Jimmy Kimmel, family guide, more Hulu plus is only $7.99 per month, but right now they're offering an extended free trial of Hulu plus that is only available to my podcast listeners. Take control of your TV, uh, watching experience by going to the podcast page at billbird.com, click on the Hulu plus banner for your extended free trial, trial or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill and, uh, start enjoying TV in the Buck Rogers age here.

And, uh, E voice. Hey, what's the reason you're going to make more money in 2013? E voice is the reason. When your customers call, you'll have your own toll free number, a professional greeting, dial by name, directory and more. You'll sound like a fortune 500 company and blow away your competitors. E voice lets you give out one number that rings wherever you are. The beach, the bar, doesn't matter. You'll sound like you're at the office. You got to go to evoice.com and use the promo code bill. E voice even takes all your voicemails, transcribes them and sends them to you instantly as a text or an email, however you want it done. So you can check your voicemails before the meeting ends and not look rude. E voice is only 10 bucks a month. Right now,

my listeners get a free trial of E voice for 30 days. Stop what you're doing right now, hit pause and sign up for your E voice free trial and see what I'm talking about. It's a great way to support my podcast and an easy way to make more money this year. Go to evoice.com promo code bill, that's evoice.com promo code build or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the E voice banner right now. All right, back to the podcast everybody. Oh, you know what I've been doing here? I didn't, I didn't mention this to you guys. I've been trying to become a little more worldly. I'm trying to, I'm trying to learn all the, all the countries in the capitals. Oh, Jesus. I got, I could do the Middle East and all of Europe. Europe's a motherfucker when you get to the,

when you get to Eastern Europe, because once Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia splintered into like seven or eight different fucking countries, you know what I mean? Just shit you never really hear about. Like, uh, what are some of the ones over? I don't fucking know. I don't even have them in front of me. I'm still trying to memorize them. But what I did learn, there was some, I was just like, what the fuck is San Marino? San Marino capital San Marino. And then you had like VAD, VAD dues, Lichtenstein and everybody over here makes fun of Lichtenstein. I remember growing up everybody because it's like beefers and butthead shit. Like, because the word lick is in there. What are you doing there fucking Lichtenstein? You know,

stupid shit like that. Um, evidently there's like five sovereign states in the world, or cities, whatever the fuck you call them. And they kind of exist as their own little entities. And, uh, that sounds, if you got the money to live there, they're great. The tax rate is low. It's like Vatican city, Lichtenstein, um, Monaco, I think Singapore, and then something else that begins with an M. I don't know if it's Malta. I don't know, there's just, there's five of them. And I got to tell you, like, I would love if they have, if they ever came up with this show called, uh, the money trail or blood money or something. I can't imagine how much is oozing out of those fucking places. Vatican city goes without saying.

All right. That just goes without fucking saying. You can't imagine what goes on in that city, right? Considering the Pope quit, even when the Pope's just like, listen, guys, I can't be the spokesperson for this shit anymore. Um, and interestingly enough, you never hear anything about Lichtenstein. You never hear anything about fucking Monaco other than the fucking Grand Prix. It's just a bunch of rich cunts over there, tagging fucking top shelf ass like fucking a third of their goddamn age. You know, how do I get into that party? That's what I want to know. Hey, by the way, did you guys see shit as heating up between China and Japan? They're going to, maybe they're going to go at it over some islands and you know, it'd be great

as a citizen of the United States here. You know, it'd be phenomenal if we just stayed the fuck out of it. You know, if we just stayed the fuck out of it, and you just, just got to watch this renewed rivalry, a rivalry that goes way back to the beginning of time. All kinds of great fucking games they add back in the day. You know, Japan ran up to score in Nanking, right? The rape in Nanking. There's a lot of bad blood between the two of them. This is like when the Celtics and Lakers like rivalry went dormant throughout the nineties, and then it came back with a vengeance. So I think from what it looks like, eventually China and Japan, China, which is just a fucking environmental disaster, the biggest mistake they fucking made,

they were just like, look, we're going to have so many goddamn people. If you ever decide to attack this country, there's just going to be wave after wave after wave of fucking human beings coming over the fucking hill, right? Did they not know about nuclear weapons? You know, you just were one person can just kind of end the world. I mean, why, why didn't they just go that route? This part of the podcast is called in way over his head. Bill Byrd discussing world events without really reading up on them, everyone. So anyways, yeah, I can do all the capitals in the Middle East. It's great. Then you hear world news and you kind of know where shit is.

You know, like I didn't know that the Czech Republic was tucked right in between that like Poland in Germany, like West Virginia between Ohio and Pennsylvania. You see that I use something normal, something that I could relate to. Hey, Bill, why don't you shut the fuck up and read a question for this week? Okay, I can do that. Oh, by the way, the email is bill at the mmpodcast.com. If you want to send it an email, let me know what's the most embarrassing thing that one of your home teams does that makes you want to either choke somebody in the front office or punch the fan next to you because they're participating. I'd love to hear it. All right. Butte Montana. Hey, Billy boy. When you are on your red state tour, stop and check out Butte Montana.

I'm excited for your upcoming show in Bozeman, Montana. I happen to live about an hour west of Bozeman in Butte. That's just a great fucking. That's the perfect name for a city in Montana. Butte Montana. Butte. Where y'all from Butte? Butte Montana. I ain't got time for two syllables. I got to go mend the fence. You know, he is a southern accent at the fucking most northern part of the country. Actually, may not. I'm sorry, Alaska is. All right, your fucking geographical cut there. When you're making the drive from Boise to Bozeman, you will have to drive through Butte Montana. You're driving through at a great time to stop for the afternoon and check it out. We have a beautiful old architecture and old and new giant mines. Old and new giant mines. You're

mining for giants. What the fuck does that mean? Huge mines. I don't know anything about mines. Sorry, sir. You're talking shop there. And he goes and the day of your show, it will be evil Knievel day. I got to go. Well, the day of the show might be cutting it a little bit close. We got to stop in. Anybody can get a picture with an Elvis impersonator. I've never seen an even evil Knievel impersonator. I want, I want to, you know what, sir, I might, I might, I might check that out. Why am I saying everything fucking twice? Get the papers, get the papers. I might, I might, I might check it out there there. The up the uptown, I got to do it again. And now I'm mind fucking myself. The uptown is filled with daredevil stunts, booze, good food,

and crazies. Something I thought you guys might like to check out. Probably get a good story out of it. At least can't wait for the show apps of fucking Lutley. And I got to tell you, I love those kinds of places. I love going to these places that are considered the middle of fucking nowhere and checking out, you know, the architecture here and all the fucking history of the places, seeing what they do for fun. I've never heard of an evil Knievel day. I'm assuming he's from that area. Butte, butte, Montana, evil Knievel, the size of balls he had, he would have fucking driven his fucking motorcycle that weighed like 10,000 fucking pounds in the early seventies. He would have driven it right across that wire,

you know, with some sort of chute that came out too early. Knocked that Jesus freak right off the fucking wire. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Oh, that step was in your name. All glory to you, God, for making these dancing slippers. Marrying too young. Dearest Billing, Billingsworth, the Reddington. I like that one. I would have just gone with Billingsworth, Reddington. You know what? If I ever moved to Lichtenstein, that's going to be my name, my fake name, when I try to hide my blood money, you know, because one day I go to a show and I sell the DVDs and I take pictures first and I take the door and I take all the fucking merch money and then I just don't do a show. And then I'm going to relocate to Lichtenstein and I'm going to go by

Billingsworth, Reddington and I'm going to have a fucking pocket watch and a little spectacle. A nice spectacle. What do you call that? A little fucking, not a gargoyle. What do you call that thing? Not a cyclops. What do you call that thing when you got a, you got a fucking, a bifocal? No, bi means two. Not a trifocal. Let's sing a uni, uni focal. I'm going bicycle here. Hey, how many more wing walkers are going to die? I didn't know people were fucking wing walking. I didn't know that still fucking existed and like three of them died. See what I tell you, bad things happen at three. No, you start over at three. Keep counting them. I bet thousands of wing walkers have died. Bad things happen when you walk out on a wing, you superstitious cunt.

Hey Bill, am I getting married too young? Well, I've never gotten married, so I don't know, I don't know what to tell you. But I will read this. I'm 25 and live with my girlfriend. She's great, pretty, and things are going very well. I've dated her for four years and she's by far the longest relationship I've ever had. She's from a somewhat traditional family where people get hitched and they're early twenties. Dude, where the fuck do you live that you're 25 and you use the word hitched? Are you from Butte? Me and my girl getting hitched. Gonna have the wedding out there in the barn. You know, I figured, figured we, she could get dressed up there in the loft. I'd stay down here next to the horses, you know? We ain't gonna have no music, don't want to spook anybody

and any animals here in the barn, right? And then I'd consummate the relationship over there and that stack of shit. Just fucking knock her out right over there. Gotta just go over there, corn husker, sorry. Let's stick with the fucking letter here. I've been dating her for four years, people use to get hitched. What the hell am I? And because we've dated for a while and I live together, I already feel pressure from her and her family to pop the question. Oh, Jesus. Oh, yeah, you're fucking, you've been with her for four years in the middle of nowhere where they say hitched. I'm surprised they're not coming down there to have some sort of exorcism. Anyways, he says, I'm conflicted as I totally agree with you on the whole drafting and the

first round idea. Oh, that's my whole theory. You don't want to wait to get married too long or else you're gonna fucking, you know, all the good, all the good draft picks are gone. Or what you do is you, you, you pick up someone who's proven like a, but has had a problem like a Randy Moss type of chick, you know, well, you know, it's going to be good for a couple of seasons before she fucking tries to run over the mailman with the car or something. I don't know. He goes, I've had a great time with her family and she does with mine. Dude, do you love this girl? He goes, although marriage is a scary concept to a young guy, it's not much more than what I'm the situation I'm currently living in with her. I probably have a Peyton Manning

on my hands and I can see my single friends holding out for a Shannon Shep or a Tom Brady in the sixth and seventh rounds. And it seems too risky. I see them chasing mediocre girls around while I'm going scuba diving and biking with my girl. However, I'm still a young guy. I haven't dated that many girls and it seems like it would be fun to have random sex with some pretty ladies in my city. My girl is awesome, but I have a penis. Thus the conflict. That's one of the truest things you'll ever hear. He goes, all right, I look forward to hearing your advice. Saw you kill it up in Boston and you have more hair in your head than you think you do. Isn't that nice? It's falling out by the day, by the second. All right, let's go back here.

What does he say here? You know what, sir, you say a bunch of nice things about her, but I never hear you say that you're crazy about her or that you love her. I think that that was the biggest thing. I think maybe that's why you'd have more of a wandering eye rather than the fact that you just have a dick. If you love this girl, I would get married sooner rather than later. You know, every guy that I know that ever got married and married the right one always said it's the smartest thing I ever did. All right, you don't want to grow up like me. All right, you don't want to still be out there drinking fucking whiskey, you know, looking like the owner of the bar rather than a patron.

Yeah, like, look, you're asking me one of the most important decisions in your life. Who do I marry? Should I marry this person? I would ask myself these questions. Are you in love with this girl? Is this the one? Is this the mother of your kids? If the answer is yes, then by all means get on with it. If the answer is no, then man up, break up with her, buy a fucking year's supply with the condoms, and go have some fun. That's my advice. How was that, sir? Fluoride conspiracy. William, I just listened to you and DeRosa on Uninformed. Oh, our old talk show comes up again. Talk about fluoride in the drinking water.

I've researched this for some time, along with other conspiracies, and it's true. Fact is, there are independent researchers from all around the globe that have done study after study on sodium fluoride, and they all found the same thing. Sodium fluoride damages soft tissue, including brain cells. Well, you know what I've learned with all this shit after years of being a conspiracy theorist is you have to then research the researchers, and it just becomes way too much fucking work. And I just, after a while, just put my head down and go, just give me a bacon, egg, and cheese, and just get off my fucking day here. That's like somebody tweeted me, said, some scientists say that redheads are going to be extinct by 2060. I love that. Some scientists say,

what scientists? What else do they say? My buddy just had a redheaded lady. No, I had a redheaded baby. What, last year? In 2012? So in 2060, that baby, God willing, will be 48 years old. So like I've said, unless you people who keep sending me this shit about the complete extinction, the final solution for fucking redheads by, you know, within 40 fucking years, essentially, you might want to look into your research a little more. You might want to research the researchers unless you have some sort of plan that I don't fucking know about. All right. Oh, Jesus, I just pictured myself hiding with a bunch of other redheads with some fucking brunette sympathizer, you know, sitting in the wall like some old Anne Frank.

Um, anyways, what are we talking about here? Sodium fluoride. All right. As well as bone, it doesn't really matter if you switch toothpaste and buy bottled water because sodium fluoride can be absorbed topically. One study stated that dental fluorosis, which is sodium fluoride, was proposed by the US government to reduce, reduce what? I'm guessing cavities. You left that out. Is in fact up to a lot higher in fluoridated water supply areas. What happened there? What happened with this whole point? One study stated that dental fluorosis is in fact up to a lot higher in fluoridated water supply areas. That's a fragment, sir. Isn't it? Or is it the way I'm reading it? What am I? What word people am I not emphasizing? That's making this sentence,

makes sense in my head as I hear it. Um, keep in mind that they get the sodium fluoride from smokestacks, scrub it in acid, then sell it to the municipal water supply companies. They haven't produced one study to suggest it does anything remotely close to what they claim. It does not even a study to combat the other studies that are done almost every year by various independent researchers from around the world. Um, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't fucking, I don't even know what sodium fluoride is. I don't fucking know what it is. Do I want the scum from inside of a fucking smokestack on my teeth? I probably don't. I'd be willing to say that that does more harm than good. You know what, sir? Why don't you take that fucking email and send it to a smart

podcast to a podcast that's fucking smart? Why don't you do that? Is there a science one? A couple of guys in lab coats, sweating in their lab coats podcasting. I don't fucking know. There we go. William Burr, how do I come to terms with being average? Well, let me tell you, sir, you're asking the right guy. Love everything you do. Come to see your show on August 23rd at the MGM. That's right. I'm going to be at the MGM in Foxwoods, Connecticut on August 23rd. Oh, and by the way, I have a super secret, very special show that I'm going to be doing at the end of August. All right. I'm teasing it right now with another comedian that is way beyond me or my abilities. And I've always wanted to work with them and I

reached out to them and we're going to do a co-headlining show where you ask, I'm not saying shit until tickets go on sale. When you ask, I told you towards the end of August, why, Bill? Why are you doing this? You ask because I'm learning from other radio guys. You kind of put half the information out there. You get everybody at the edge of their seats and then the fucking Black Hawk scored two goals on you and it's over. Sorry. How do I come to terms that I just won't be financially successful to the point where money is not an issue? Jesus Christ, dude, that just made me feel sad. Why would you think that? All right. I guess he's going to go into detail as to why because I'm 30, held many technical positions in the corporate ladder at a few big

companies. It is everything office space made it out to be, which has driven me to file patents or ideas and improvements as well as start a few side businesses that didn't seem to really take flight. Well, there you go, sir. You know, you're basing your self-worth on other people employing you. All right. God knows I got enough shit on my podcast, evoistlegalzoomstance.com, all of that shit for you to run a fucking side business while you're holding down your job at this corporate nightmare that you don't want to be in. Believe in your talents. Dude, you think I just walked on stage and tried three fucking jokes and then it worked. I bombed for fucking years for years and years and years, like almost the first 11 years of my career, I swear to God,

every time I went on stage, it was a crap shoot, whether it was going to go well or not. It was even longer than that. It's basically once you start selling tickets and people come out to your show that the bombing goes way down and it also makes you softer as a comic because people are coming out to see you. They give you a giant ovation as you go out there. They're already on it's a home game. All right. Before you sell tickets as a comedian, every night is a fucking away game and it's a rivalry game and they fucking hate you. All right. So I think you're a really talented guy. I think, you know what, a lot of smart people slightly depressed, which is how this is reading. And dude, you just got to get yourself, force yourself to pick yourself up

off the mat and throw yourself against the wall. All right, not yourself. Sorry, stupid idea. Don't throw yourself against the wall. Whatever idea you got, just keep putting it out there. All right. And you patent all those fucking things and you get yourself a goddamn lawyer. So when these corporate cunts come sniffing around and they want to dangle some carrot in front of you, you make sure you get as much as that carrot is humanly fucking possible. All right. Is it donkey really that dumb that it just keeps walking towards that carrot? Is it looking at it like it's a mountain? Like, wow, it's just way off in the distance. You know, is the donkey sitting there praying to its God as it just keeps, ah, thank you.

What the fuck would their God be? Can't say Jesus. I'll piss them off. You know, somebody told me the other day, why don't you make fun of Muslims? You're pussy, right? I make fun of my own fucking religion. All right. I stay within my wheelhouse and make fun of what the fuck I know. You heard me try to talk about Eastern Europe. I don't know shit about it. It embarrasses me. I know anything about Muslims other than they throw down the yoga mat every day around four o'clock. When all the stoners start getting baked, they're actually talking to their higher power, which is my hour, higher power and it's your higher power. We're all praying to the same fucking vibe, that same spirit, you know, so fucking ridiculous. Everybody's got to do

it their own way. Now you got to fucking tap your elbow twice before you did it and you didn't do that. So now I'm going to saw your fucking head off. Yeah. And people still show up and give it money and put on a silly hat, right? Who's getting who? Anytime I think I'm going to die, I always start praying and I pray to the God that I was told, you know, I say a prayer. I say a prayer every time my plane takes off and right before it lands every fucking time. Say a prayer that doesn't fucking crash, you know, and when I think about it crashing, I know exactly what I would say to a higher power. I'm sorry. All right, and then it'll be like when I die and I go and get judged and he's like, sorry for what? And it just, you know what? Yahweh, Lord Buddha, whatever the hell you

are, just straight straight across the board. Sorry. So far. Yeah, all of it, the whole fucking kitten caboodle, other than 8% of it, the other 92%. I'm just sorry. I knew it was wrong. I knew what I was doing. I tried to pull myself out of the muck and I just I was too weak a person, you know, which maybe that's on you because you didn't fucking, you know, you put a four cylinder in me, you know, instead of giving me enough fucking horsepower mentally to pull myself out of the ditch. Yeah, I am blaming you on some way. You know, you made me, you know, the fuck. If I made a car and it didn't run, I'm going to blame the car. I'll do what you got to do, whatever. Sorry. Anyways, back to this here. He goes, I work 50 to 60 hours a week feeling burnt while

trying my last side business with no time but work. I'm about to realize fuck it. Dude, don't don't quit. Do not quit. He goes, he's about ready to say fuck it just won't be me. I won't be the guy with a lake house or a guy who can buy cars with a briefcase of money or a guy with 22 year olds on his arm at 40. All right, now you're scaring me, dude. I thought you were just some guy that, you know, wanted to, you know, wanted to invent something and feel good about himself, but you sound like, dude, you, you want to move up in your company, tell him, tell him that that and your corporate fucking company there, just tell him that that's what you want. Just walk in and just say, listen, this is what I want a house by a lake. I want to buy vintage cars with a briefcase full

of money that nobody knows where it came from. And I want some 22 year asshole, 22 year old ass on my arm, the whole, my whole fucking life. I just want to keep trading them in, you know, like that guy lived across the street who got the new Corvette every year because he worked for Chevy, right? You tell him that shit, they're going to love it because they're going to be like this guy is a fucking sociopath. He doesn't want to find love. He doesn't want to make the world a better place. He wants to go out there and get his. That's great. He wants a house by a lake. We'll give him a house by a lake and we'll give him the chemicals to dump into it. That's okay. You want that house by a lake? You got to take our fucking waste and dump it in that goddamn lake.

All right. No, yeah, I want you to practice shrugging your shoulders. Well, I don't know. I got down. We want to see that you're going to be able to do that. All right. And if you get caught, you got to take the fall. Walk up to that podium over there. Let me, let me see you just improvise taking the fall. We're going to throw out a couple of scenarios. All right. Just relax. We got a glass of water up there. Have a drink. Have a drink. Okay. All right. First scenario. Fucking Cheryl Crow somehow gets behind some cunt that figures out that we have three year olds making the Pampers down there in Honduras. All right. We need you to take the fall. Go. Yeah. Okay. It's come to our attention that some of our practices in the undergarment,

infant undergarment industry have come into question. We are looking into it. I accept full responsibility. The buck stops with me and I am the head of that division. I don't like babies. I'm sorry. I don't know where to go. Ah, fuck it. Fuck you in your leg. That isn't good. That was bad. And we can see a sweat from over here. Go back to your cubicle. That's like parole. That's like a parole hearing in a corporate office. You know, they bring in once every seven years and they see how good you are at lying. And if you're not fucking good at it, they send you back to the whole back to your cubicle. It's like reverse Shawshank.

Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So this guy is depressing the shit out of me. He's given up on his dream and he wants young bitches on his fucking arm. I don't know what to do with this guy. He goes, I'm starting to think I need to accept the corporate grind for the next 35 years or the whole life is going to pass me by spending all my free time trying to start something. Your thoughts. It wouldn't be right unless I end it this way. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. I don't think you're that bad a guy, sir. I'm just fucking with you. All right. Don't quit. All right. Don't quit. If you quit on yourself, nobody's going to believe in you. It's going to affect your entire fucking life. You can't fucking quit ever. You never quit unless you're wrong.

You know, if you're fucking wrong, but then what you do is you just go in another direction. That's all. Right. Like, let's say you always wanted to be a singer, but you sing like me at some point, you got to have that honest moment be like, I fucking stink at this, but who's to say that you're not a good producer. You couldn't record singers, you know, or you couldn't manage singers. Or you couldn't go down to the church choir and just lip sync and act like you were singing. Right. Or get a sex change, right, and turn yourself into some hot piece of ass and get to the top of the pop charts. There's always a way, sir. And I'm not saying to get a sex change. I'm not saying not to get one. All right. Just listen to me here.

Just fucking keep, don't fucking give up on that shit. You know what it is? That's your passion. Your passion is what you're doing when you're not working 50 to 60 hours a week. All right. And the reason why this is coming off so depressing is because your heart is in that and this voice is getting louder every day saying you don't have what it takes and you need to quit. I've been there as a fucking comic. It's the fucking worst. It hits you, hits you right in the chest. All right. You got to push through that. All right. What I do is I come up with new jokes and I go even harder the next show. So that's what you got to do. You got to come up with a new flow be a new George Foreman grill,

a new fucking iPad, whatever the hell you're working on, you got to go even harder. Right. And someday you'll have a podcast and you'll repeat shit nine times in a row and you'll mispronounce stuff. Right. And you'll have a house by a lake. I don't have a house by a lake, but I had one come through my fucking room three months ago. Sorry. All right, sir, don't quit. That will crush me knowing that you quit. There's your halftime speech. Do not ever fucking give up on yourself. All right. What I would do if I was in your fucking situation, I would quit the corporate job first. I would, I would downsize my life. All right. You got to make the sacrifices downsize your fucking life. Take a job that pays less with less hours. Live with less. Do you need all those

fucking T shirts? Do you need all that shit? Do you need a laptop? Do you need an iPad too? Do you need a mini iPad? Do you need every new fucking cell phone? You don't. You don't. How many fucking glasses can you drink out of at once? One, maybe two, if you're joining a frat. All right. You drink out of one reality is there. All you need one bowl, one plate, one fork, one knife, one spoon, you know, you could have all your shit. Yeah, you need a fucking, you need a bed. You need a TV. You need a TV. You got to stay in touch. Right. Because you got to see what's out there, what they're selling for 1995. But other than that, what do you, what do you need? Nothing. You don't need shit. So downsize your fucking life. Have a fucking yard sale, sir.

And with that money, you know, go buy whatever the fuck it is you need to buy to invent some shit so you can get out of there. All right. But by all means, do not accept this as your fate. It isn't. You just, you're doing your open mics like I did. And you know what? A lot of people fucking quit. I don't know what they're doing. Okay. But are they doing stand up in a parking lot in an air conditioned tent in Rhode Island next month? Like I am? No, they are not. All right. You know what I'm saying, man? I hope that that fucking pumps you up. Don't fucking quit. Or, uh, that'll make me sad. You want to make me sad? You fucking cunt. I don't even know you and you're making me sad. Stop it. All right. Smoking problems. Hey, Bill, what's up?

Nothing much. What's up with you dope? Uh, my husband. Yes, I'm a lady. Oh, I love when a woman writes in finally. Maybe if I wasn't such a dick, more would write in my husband. Yes, I'm a lady. Introduce me to your podcast last year and we both think you're awesome. Well, that's great. Uh, we've been together for nearly 17 years and have two young children together. I'm hoping that you can do something using your unique sense of humor and perspective that I, um, all right, that I have been unable to do after years of nagging and that is to try and convince him to quit smoking. Uh, you know, something I don't consider that nagging. You're trying to save his fucking life. All right. She says, I know you, you like to look after your health and he

really respects what you have to say. I want him to be healthy, not just for his own sake, but so he's around for a long time for myself and the kids. When we retire in 30 years or so, I want us to have health and money to travel the world and enjoy ourselves after a lifetime of working. Cigarettes are incredibly expensive in Australia, around $20 a pack and are only set to get more expensive. This habit costs thousands every year. Thanks for your help, Bill. Please never stop doing what you're doing. Oh, that's nice. You're welcome. Um, oh, she says, Australia next come to Newcastle just north of Sydney. Go fuck yourself. Um, well, listen, if I'm jumping on a 14 hour flight, you can't come one down one fucking city south for me. Listen, next year I'm doing Perth to Sydney.

All right. I guarantee it or else I'll go on YouTube and I'll apologize like Paula Dane. Um, I'm sorry that I never came out to Australia. Uh, all right. You guys sound like you're pretty young still. And that's just the thing. You think you're going to fucking live forever. And I'll tell you what I have learned now that I'm in my 40s. Unfortunately is once you hit 40, it's no joke. All right. When you hit 40, whatever you've, whatever you've been doing since you started being a knucklehead in your teenage years starts to take, not even take root. It starts to blossom. It comes to fruition if you will. All right. If you've kept yourself in shape and you've eaten healthy,

you know, you go back to your high school reunion and people tell you how great you look. All right. If you've been eating like a fucking maniac and smoking and all that type of shit in your 40s, unfortunately I've learned the hard way is when people start to die. You know, there's nothing funny about this shit. Look at, look at, uh, uh, James Gandolfini. You know, that fucking guy was doing what I've done, but he was just doing it too much. He's doing what we all doing over and indulging. Everybody does that. I mean, I shouldn't say this like I fucking know, but like, you know, I've lost way too many fucking friends, way too many friends in the business and outside the business. I'm telling you when, you know, and this isn't

to tell your husband to wait till he's 40. Uh, basically from what I've read is your body is designed to go 150 years. That's how great your body is. And that's how fucked up the environment is and the amount of shit that you're going to encounter that it has to start counting down to 150 just so you can make it to 70 or 80. All right. And there's already enough shit, enough wear and tear, enough crap. Forget about all the man made radiation fucking radio waves and all this shit and what the fuck we're putting in our food. There's already enough shit out there that can get you and you're just, you're basically, you're in the fast lane and you're going to die. You were basically, you're going to die or you're going to have fucking emphysema.

This is what caught me to never fucking smoke. When I was in fifth grade, this guy came to the school and he said, if you want to know what it's like to have emphysema, he goes, make a fist. So you make a fist and shit. What did I just do there? Huh? I turned down the fucking volume. Sorry about that. I just stepped on my mixer. He basically said, he said, make a fist. All right. This is hilarious. This is what you tell your husband. Just say, and this to say, Hey honey, do me a favor, make it fist like you're going to mine like you're sucking a dick. That's what you do. You know, it's funny as the amount of people who are in cubicles right now looking over their shoulder because they want to see the emphysema thing, bring it right up to your

mouth. Now that I did the dick thing, every guy stopped, but they'll do it when they're home alone tonight. You know, they'll turn up the TV and bring down the curtains and they'll try it. Basically, you try to breathe into your fist, try to draw in through your mouth, through your fist. That's from, according to this guy, what it was like to have emphysema. And that's what you, that's what you headed towards. I don't know if you guys have a daughter. I mean, what if, what if you're not around to make sure she doesn't marry some douchebag? What if the guy is a dick, but you're so frail at that fucking point because you can't do a pull up anymore and you got that little fucking wheelie walker thing and you're coming in with the oxygen tank and the shit up

your fucking nose? You know, I'm telling you, all of that shit, people start getting those gin blossoms on their nose right around 40. All of it, all of it fucking comes, comes to a head at 40. But if you take care of yourself, if you keep yourself in shape in your twenties and your thirties and that type of thing, it pays off fucking 10 fold. And considering you have kids, man, you owe it to them. You owe it to them. All right. Jesus, wasn't this just sort of a feel good podcast? You think I'd be more of a contact to my team lost? All right, I got one more read here. And then I'm going to close out the podcast stamps.com everybody. I've told you about this. I've been trying to teach you guys how you don't have to go to the post office anymore. All right,

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that collect stamps, right? I feel if you collect stamps, you also have like a butterfly collection. You got them pinned to that thing, that little fucking needle point thing. How creepy are human beings? I just wanted to continue looking at them, but they fly away. So I pinned them to the fucking board. All right, is there anything else I need to talk about? Oh, next month, everybody, tickets are on sale. They're going fast and you people have told me for the longest time, please come out to the middle of fucking nowhere. Well, guess what? God damn it. I'm coming out to the middle of nowhere. How am I doing that on the Billy red face tour red state tour? Sorry. And my website is down again. What the fuck? What the fuck do I have to do to get this fucking

website? Not to fucking go down every goddamn fucking three days. All right, I got a phone call to make everybody. That's the podcast for this week. I was going to tell you where I was going to be. You know, I don't fucking know the weekend of July 12th. I'm going to be at the Cape Cod Melody 10. That's where I saw George Carlin. I saw him before I was ever a comedian. And here it is 25 years later, I'm going back to perform there. So if you think that I'm not going to give you a fucking show that night, well, let me tell you something. You're about ready to see a show that I should be under a fucking big top. I'm going to bring elephants to that fucking show. No, it's going to be a very special night.

And if you'd like to come down and share it with me, I would love to have you there. Next, I'm going to be up that same weekend. I'm going to be at the Nantucket Yachting Center, the air conditioned tent in the parking lot, just trying to be honest. And then I'm going to be up in at the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino. That's where I'm going to be that weekend of July 12th. I'm playing two tents in an attic, everybody. See what happens, sir, working in the corporate world when you follow your dreams. You get to play in tents and attics. And then later on that month, I have the Billy Red State tour that starts in Boise, Idaho, goes to Bozeman, Montana, Deadwood, South Dakota, Colorado Springs, Colorado, Wichita, Kansas. I got another

Colorado date in there. Tulsa, Oklahoma ends up the whole thing wraps up in El Paso, Texas. I'm going to be with New Jersey's own Paul Versey and Rose Bowl cook and legend. And number one Cleveland fan, Jason Lawhead. We're going to be on the bus. We'll come to your town. I got this fucking sick ass t-shirt that I'm making that has an old Ford F 100 on it that I'm only selling on the tour. It's going to be a great time and tickets like I said, they're flying right out of the venue. So like I said, I never go to these places. So if you want to see me, please go and get tickets now. All right. That's the podcast for this week. If you'd like to help out this podcast financially, please visit billbird.com

when it's fucking up and running and click on the podcast page and you'll see the Amazon banner. You click on that, you go to Amazon.com. If anything you buy, they'll kick me a little bit of money for sending traffic their way. And I take a portion of those proceeds and I give it to the wounded warriors project. Also, there's hard copy versions of my latest special available on my website. Hard copy and downloadable. If you want to get a hard copy version, bring it out to a show. I'll autograph it, take a picture and all that shit, because I appreciate you buying it. And I got a garage full of those fucking things. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. God bless you. Go fuck yourself. I'll talk to you next week.