Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-15-21

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

Bill rambles about binging, treasonous news outlets, and feral cats.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going, how everything's going for you. How's it going for you in Milwaukee? Ladies and gentlemen, they went down two games to none. Their first NBA final since 1971. Backs against the wall. Come back to Milwaukee, win game three. Bam. Game four. The whole fucking game. It looked like it looked like the Suns were going to win by like, I don't know, six to eight. Then all of a sudden Milwaukee comes back. I had to leave. I was in a cigar bar and I had to go do a spot over fucking over at Lago. Left with like three minutes left. So I missed the block.

I went home. I turned on ESPN. I watched it. Huge block. I mean, that reminds me of the one in LeBron James. He used to talk about some of the big blocks in NBA finals history. The one LeBron had when he's with the Cavaliers playing the Warriors. Was that 2016? Maybe? I don't even know. But Giannis, Ante de Campo, they say right. They never say his fucking last name. Giannis Ante de Campo, they say right. I'm fucking. I'm not looking it up. I can't spell it. But anyway, it's all tied up to two. You know, that's good for the people in Milwaukee and anybody who wants the NBA season to extend, which I do. I'm fucking psyched. The Bucks and the Suns are in the finals. How great is that? It's like the 70s all over again. I don't know. But at the end of

the game, Wilburne and Jefferson were still picking the Suns. It kind of looks like the Suns are more talented. And talk to any Milwaukee fan. They'll say they have a better coach. But we shall see. We shall see. Very excited for the Bucks. Milwaukee. I haven't mentioned it's one of my favorite cities I think I have. I got a show coming up there later on in the fall. I can't wait. I can't wait. I think I'm going out there with Dean Delray. I might bring Nate Craig too. He's from fucking Wisconsin. So he knows where to get all the brats and some fucking milkshakes, malted milkshakes right off of a goddamn farm. Speaking of that, speaking of milkshakes, Billy Fat Tits. Billy Plumpecker. Doesn't make any sense. Your dick doesn't get fat. Imagine you're

gaining weight and your dick got bigger. I mean, fat fucks me walking around. But I could satisfy. Weigh it in after tipping the scales at Jesus, 190. Maybe even 191 pounds. I'm down to 183.22. Just fucking making the gym a priority. I'm watching what I eat. Yeah, I'm on like psycho regimen right now. The other night I was hungry right before I went out. I was like a fuck. So I had like a spoonful of peanut butter. I tell you it filled me up. I don't know why the fuck all of these months, the past four or five months, I would stop at a food truck and get like a fucking torta. My Latino listeners told me that ordering a burrito was the stupid white boy one. So I'm like, all right, well, I want to be cool. I want to order the right fucking food, right? So

Betty knows. I don't know why I did it. Ice cream sandwiches. Why did I do it? Oh, that's right, because it's delicious. Because in the moment, in the moment when you're eating shit food, just the fucking the rushes, the sugars, the salts, the highs, the lows, the sobbing afterwards, trying to find a dumpster to puke behind. Is that a bad thing? You know, I know like people have like eating disorders, but if you actually ate bad food, is it a bad thing to go around the corner and fucking puke it out? Then it becomes a habit. I'll tell you as far as eating disorders, the ones that amazed me the most was the chewing and spitting. Like how do you get cake in your mouth and you don't fucking swallow? It's like the fucking the discipline these chewers and

spitters have, you know, as much as people say what they're doing is awful. You have to, you gotta, you gotta respect their, you know, I mean, it's over. That's over for me. If I even smell cake, I'm eating it. You know, when a fucking lion starts eating a goddamn gazelle, does he fucking, you know, my hindquarters are getting a little big, it's in his mouth, it's done, it's going down the gullet, bones and all. Oh man, I really look back, man, I ate like a fucking animal. I had a great time getting fat. I would go to the, we would fucking, you know, that's the, you know, what's the worst is when, when both you and the person you're with, the he, the she, the they, always progressive, you know, hey, back in the day, they meant you having a threesome, okay?

Um, whoever you're with, if they're eating bad too, then you become like Sid Nancy, but like food. What do you want to do there? Kind of want something yummy? What do you want to get? You know, you get all excited, like junkies, you're all excited. If you're eating healthy, you just like, you want to do vegan? I don't know, I will if you do, like, I could cut up some broccoli and put some olive oil, a little bit of salt on it and roast it in the oven. You want me to do that? Yeah, I mean, we got it. I mean, we should eat it. That's what healthy eating is like. All right, Brussels sprouts are good. If you put them on top, they got vitamin whatever in them. Yeah, I mean, having, we bought, you know, whatever. It's kind of like eating grass,

but I don't have any hope, you know, but when you guys both make a fucking, a decision, you're going to eat bad. It's like when two coke heads meet each other, right? They don't know each other. One guy goes, hey, do you party? Which, you know, I was talking to Verzi about that. That just means do you do coke? Hey, man, do you party? Yeah, man, I party. And then the excitement they have is they're walking down to the bathroom, not knowing if they're going to come walking back out that door again. That's what fucking order and bad food with your fucking, with your lady is like, we want to get, huh? How about this fucking cheeseburger? You want to get fucking cheeseburger? Yeah, yeah, we get that. They got crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside and fucking French

fries. They'd have a fucking shake afterwards. Then you eat it. You're like, whoa, it's really fucking delicious. Shoving fries in just get ramping up the salt, sending it up to the stratosphere so you can bring it all back down with the sugar. Try to level out. Just pictured an airline pilot doing that. Salt's too high. I'm not going to be able to land this bitch. Give me an Italian ice. Yeah, that's what we were doing. I would, I'd go out and do spots. And then I would say to her, because like, you know, when you want to eat bad, you want somebody else to say they're going to do it too. So I would just text her and be like, hey, you want anything? She's like, yeah, I was kind of hungry. And I'd be like, yes, fucking psyched, right? So I would

stop off at our local grocery store and I'd buy these fucking ice cream sandwiches. This is back when I was on the weed, right? So then I eat like a fucking gummy. Then I come home and I eat that ice cream sandwich. And I got to be honest with you, when I really look back on my life, I don't think I've ever been happier than in those moments. Five to 10 milligrams next to my beautiful wife watching stupid TV, eating an ice cream sandwich. And that is my question. If there is a higher power someday, you know, and I meet God, I want to be like, why can't you just do that and stay healthy? Why do you got to fucking eat all of this other shit? And he'd be like, are you talking about lettuce? What kind of celery? It's all that green shit. I mean, it's good. I like to have it. But how come

I can't, how come I can't come home every night and have a cheeseburger and a fucking ice cream sandwich and smoke a little fucking weed? Why can't I fucking do that and not look like it? Fucking such a pain in the ass. Like, do you realize I'm not going to have an ice cream sandwich until like fucking, if I'm going to get all my weight off, I can't have anything good until like fucking September. I did it to myself, though. I used up all my fun days for the year, I already did it. You know what I mean? Like, if you had a chart, how many ice cream sandwiches could you have? Like, I'm in the fucking red. Oh, Billy red face. Oh, fat freckles of fucking fat tits laying just rolling me down the hill. I was on my way to driving a minivan

and having a guess when you know you're fat, you drive a minivan and you got to get in and that back sliding door. You take out the passenger seat. You just fucking get in there. You got to take off the fucking armrest. That sound of faux leather is just sitting down in it. That's when you've just completely lost it. You know, that's what happens if you don't go back to salads for a while. I don't know. You can tell I'm fucking like the high of eating well and going out and fucking working out is worn off. And now I'm just looking at the fucking fat mountain in front of me. I still got a fucking climb here. So good thing I didn't like, you know, get into like crazy fat or even just like 30 pounds overweight. 30 pounds overweight. You're just like,

Oh fuck, there goes my summer. You know, I'll be like the boy in the bubble, except I'll be on an elliptical. Everybody out there playing frisbee trackball and all those games from the 70s. I don't know what kids do nowadays. What do they do? Fucking put a headset on and do some shit, talk to their friends rather than have them come over. You know, the good thing though about playing video games with your friends as a kid over the screen and they're not there. You know, they don't hear your parents arguing. You can hit mute like that. Shut up. I'm playing fucking. Halo. Is that a game? Hulu? So anyway, but last night's the first night I went out and I did a set with just the t-shirt on.

Still wasn't looking too good, but you know, you know, when you get to that, you get to that, that weight where your belly looks like a third pack. You know, it doesn't, what it does is then it makes you, your fucking packs look like two more stomachs. You know that, that fucking weight. You know, that, that sitting on the couch and you go to lean over and grab something, you feel the fucking rolls on the side. Yeah, I was getting in that way and I'm like, all right, I can't do this. I can't, I mean, I am unsightly enough. I can't, I can't be doing this shit. So anyway, I think I can get down to 182 by Sunday, trying to do three pounds a week. That's my goal. So then next week, a week from this Sunday, I'd be 179.

I'd see the sevens. I go from the nines to the eights to the sevens. That's when it gets exciting. That's when I start feeling, that's when I start feeling like I'm enough. It's when I get to that weight. And I'm not stopping this time either. I'm going down fucking Marvin Hagler, 510-159. That was his weigh-in when he fought fucking Tommy Hearns. But I'm eating a bunch of protein too. So I don't just, I'm not going to be like fleshy. I'm hoping, oh God, is anything worse than a fucking skinny fleshy ginger? Like a piece of tilapia. I don't want to do that. Fucking hate myself right now. Why did I do this to myself? Jesus Christ. I'm going back to Boston

for 10 days and I got to lay off all my favorite fucking spots. The amount of cardio I'm going to have to do. You know, I'm going to, this is what I'm going to do. I'm just going to eat perfect the whole day and then one, no, but then once a day, if I eat bad, I'll be fucked. Ah, Jesus. Anyway, I've been listening to a lot of music. You know what? I love listening to Little Steven's, Little Stevie's Garages. What is this? The show's called It's on Serious XM, or Serious, whatever. I guess XM doesn't exist anymore. And they got like the best DJs on. And they're all like fucking cool and funny, such as some woman last night. She was cracking me up and she played this song by the Ramones, which is sad to say. I only know the Ramones like

radio shit, but they play like deep cuts on that. And I'll tell you right now, it is hard to hit Spotify. What is that app? Shazam. It's really hard to shazam a fucking Ramones song because they're so goddamn short. By the time you fucking get it out to listen, it already went by. It was a song called Yeah, Yeah, Y-E-A comma Y-E-A. And I was like, I fucking like this song. And for some reason now, I'm finally really getting into them and realizing what an amazing band they are. There's a song by the Blips, all of these. There was something else, something chocolate wristwatch, these fucking bands. I'd never even heard of these guys, which I think they were the ones that sounded, they sounded like Paul McCartney doing Little

Richard. So it was like, I kind of can, I guess, I'm kind of guessing when this music came out, like post Beatles, post Little Richard, that type of, the last one I was talking about, the wristwatch one. So anyway, I've been listening to that stuff, playing some drums, having a good time with that. But I gotta tell you, you know, my mother-in-law comes over to help watch the kids and she always puts on CNN. And do you know what those fucking morons are doing? Do you know what those fucking morons are doing? They're fucking talking about Trump. I swear to God, I cannot believe people watch that channel. They're so dumb. It's like, do you think these people give a fuck?

Who's print? They want Darth Vader to come back. They want him to come back because they got nothing to talk about because it's show business. And Joe Biden is a fucking bore. They can't bitch about him because he's wearing a blue tie. So now what do they do? They're going out there, they're doing what they did the first time to get this guy elected by giving him all this free coverage while they act like they allegedly don't like him. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. They're a corporate news channel and they're fucking treasonous, un-American pieces of shit, just like Fox News, MSNBC, just like all of them. Just like fucking all of them. I was at the gym the other day, right?

You know, the fucking Billy Big Boobs, right? The elliptical. And they had CNN on with the sound down and I wanted to ask him, can you turn the fucking channel? No, they didn't have the sound down. They made it seem like all of California was on fire, which I know it is, but like there's nothing I can do about it. All right? And then they go, okay, and now let's talk COVID and the numbers are up. It's just like, what is their fucking deal on those channels? Don't they have any idea what they're doing to you? Here I am at the fucking gym, trying to work off a bunch of goddamn ice cream Sundays and all I get is fucking fires and pandemic shit. You can't fucking, you know, how about a positive story? I swear to God, if I ran a 24-hour

news network, you know, our brand would be, we give you too bad, but we still give you one good. Two steps back, but one step forward. We'd give you a couple of good stories. You do a story that involves race relations where people are actually getting along. Well, that doesn't get ratings. You have to make them feel like shit. You have to scare the hell out of them. You got to make them feel like they got a virus, their house is going to burn down, and that the Nazis are coming back. To us, those are the tent poles that make for a great half hour of news. If they don't have a gun in their mouth by 18 minutes in, then we're not doing our job. I think

that that's what they say. Can you imagine if that was your fucking job? You're just going to TV every day and lie and get people to be against each other and just have everybody just sort of walking around in a low to high level of hysteria. It's like fucking, like the guys in the NHL whose job it is to go out there and stir it up, you know, slash it and fucking sparing people, the ref's not looking, just pissing people off. Let's get a little chippy out there. That's how the news channels like it. They want it to be a little chippy. You know, it'd be a great fucking prank is to somehow like hack into them, whatever their news feed is, and it's just nothing but good news, and just watch to see if they could do it.

Because everything they're saying anyways is biased, right? So who gives a fuck if you lie about it, right? That's what everybody's doing on the internet, aren't they? They're goddamn fucking Instagram pages holding your phone up so you up your number. You're a four, but you want to look like a six. So you stretch your little fucking T-Rex arms up over your fucking slightly above average size head so it doesn't look as big. Like, look at her way down there. She's cute as a button. The ground's coming up. The ground's coming up. Shit, she's a four. Um, four's not bad. Four's not bad when you're fucking Billy Pink Tits over here. Oh, God, I fucking hate myself right now. All right, let's do, um, let's do, uh, let's do some reads here.

Oh, all birds. All the birds are brown. Do you know right outside our window sill? Some bird, I don't know what its nationality is. I don't know what it identifies as. Um, he, him, or she, they, or fucking us, we, um, made a nest in one of our flower pots right outside my daughter's room and is sitting on the eggs, had two eggs, and they hatched the other day and there's two little birds chirping in there. And then the dude bird sits on like a tree close by and watches out, make sure everybody's all right. And I don't know if he brings her food or when she goes to go get some food, he fucking sits on the eggs of what, but, uh, the whole thing was working and we had this cat that kind of, you know, it's a cat. It doesn't give a shit, right?

Fences, it doesn't matter. It doesn't respect boundaries. You know, has a very Native American vibe like, Hey man, like this is the land, like nobody owns it, man, right? So the thing's always sitting in the driveway. And I love the cat. My wife hates the cat. God damn cat. You know, it's shit here. Do you know it's shit in the driveway the other day? Do you realize that cat that you're not mad at shit in the fucking driveway? And I'm like, Oh yeah, that's great. That's a good thing. She's like, how is that a good thing? I go because the fucking rats in the mice smell cat shit, and they're going to go somewhere else. So I sent me saw a mouse around here. She's like, well, we had one. It's like a year ago.

The fucking mouse is probably dead. Or it's smartened up and fucking moved on. But anyway, now I'm kind of looking at the cat. I'm like, Oh my God, because my daughter is just watching this mama bird and the two little chicks. Now she like she peaks. I try not to look because the fucking birds always look at me as like, I don't want to freak her out. But she peaks and she thinks it's so like, you know, it's like magic to her. So now I'm looking at that cat going like, okay, you could hop up there and then shimmy up on the spout and it would go on there and just fucking kill all three of them. I can't have that. If that happens, like, how the fuck am I going to talk to my daughter about that? That would be a, you know, what do I go? Do I go? Do I go red state

on that one? You should let her watch it. You should let her learn about nature, see what it's all about. You know, I could go that route, right? But yeah, I don't want that to happen. So that now of a sudden I'm kind of like looking at the cat like, Hey, why don't you, you know, kind of fuck off for a little bit? A little bit, right? My stoney birds. Why don't you take a walk there, buddy? All you got to do with a cat, right? To get him to leave, you know, is if you don't have a slingshot, all you got to do is just like, like a water pistol. But like, I don't know, I always thought the slingshot made a bigger statement. That was kind of a big thing for me when I was a kid. You know, getting the biggest, sharpest rock I could find, you know, just getting a fucking hit

him right in the neck. Watching him jump up. I never did that shit. I'm kidding. I just want to get a UP to console up in a fucking uproar. Did I finish reading the whole fucking? I don't even know if I did. Did I do? Did I do the advertising? I don't think I did. All birds, everybody. Summer is here. It is hot. And we're starting to feel more hopeful about the rest of the year. Great. I like hope. I like positivity. It's time to get out there with all birds. Lace up and feel good with all birds. And they're sustainably made tree runner shoes. Oh, see, here's some positive stuff. These are new companies that have been advertising who actually build products that are biodegradable. Okay. All you youngsters out there, you want to make your money

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I'm going to get a fucking pair of these, man. You're going to walk the walk. You got to talk to talk, right? No. How does it go? If you're going to walk the walk, you got to get this. I could fucking wear those. I like the all black ones. I like those a lot. Let me see the gray. You got gray and white. I like those too. Navy and white, jet black, all black and fucking white one. Fun, you fancy knights. You know what? Those work for me. I'm getting a fucking pair. Drop a little more weight. No billy fat feet over here. It's going to be fucking two sizes wider. Oh, dude, I had such a good time. I'm talking like ice cream and brownies.

I mean, I was just eating like a fucking, I don't know what. Hey, is anybody who lives, who listens to this podcast, are your bed ridden? You know what I mean? You ain't like that much. I'm rooting for you to lose the weight, by the way, but I was wondering, what was the, what was it like that day when you realized you couldn't get out of your fucking house? How are you not claustrophobic? That's got to be terrifying. You know, you just get that big. You get so big, you can't come to work anymore. I'll tell you what's nuts, is you get that fucking big and somebody's going to take care of you. So you kind of win. You get to keep eating like that. I've seen a couple of those shows like My 600 Pound Life. I love when the person

who's like that big and needs to be weighted on, right? So he's got to come in and power wash him every day. Like the side of like aluminum house, right? I was just fucking just sit there and thinking like, when you just be like ridiculously nice, I would just be sitting there as they'll fucking hit me with that fire hose, just be like, I'm sorry, like yelling over the water as I was eating another fucking English muffin. Oh God, I'd love an English muffin right now. Oh, the fucking butter and the nooks and crannies. I really am a closeted fat person. I just have too much of a need to be liked to become just like, you know, just some big fat titted fucking something or other, you know, which it's actually a good thing. I don't think people should be shamed anymore

for being fat because they're hastening their life expectancy, which at this point, considering we've had a lot of 130 degree days in places, which is literally, I guess you, it's not even, you can't even survive if you're outside. It's kind of a good thing because there needs to be less people. So, you know, if you're trying to lose weight, I'm rooting for you. But if you're not trying to lose weight, I say keep going, keep going. I passed the torch to you, everything I was doing in the last six months, all right? You fucking do it. You eat that fucking fudge cake, brownie, whatever the fuck I was eating. You do that shit and you enjoy it. It says nothing to do with you guys. It says to do with me because I think

about that sometimes. There's always that, oh, I could eat myself to death. That'd be fucking great. It's gotta be, you know. No, I know you feel like shit, but it's just gotta be great when you want a pizza, you just get one and you just keep eating them until you're full. Instead of being like, okay, I'm just gonna have one. I just don't understand why the world has to be like that. Like whoever created this shit, why the fuck did you make heroin, you douche? Why did you do that? If you're gonna get addicted to it and all of that, I just don't understand. I really feel like whoever the higher power is doesn't give a shit about us and is more just wanting to be entertained. You know? It's like the whole world, the whole

world, the whole universe is like a fucking giant reality show, you know, like Survivor. And there's all these little pitfalls and all the blue teams doing this, the red team better catch up. Oh, you know, that's not how you put that puzzle together. Oh, there's poppy seeds. Why don't you put one of those in the mouth to see what the fuck happened? Can you just walk up to a poppy seed and just eat it and be higher on heroin or do they have to like add a bunch of shit to it? I gotta figure this out. This is great for my search engine. This would be a great search here. How to make your own heroin. Massive poppy bust, homebrew heroin. Soon anyone be able to what? Oh my God. Soon anyone will be able to make illegal drugs? What?

I don't even feel like I just, it's responsible to even read this, but I just said it. Humble fun guy in a homebrewing kit could soon do what the combined might of the West failed to do. Halt the thriving poppy industry in Afghanistan, the source of 80% of the world's opium. Genetically, that's like the Cuban cigars, like all the fucking heroin comes from Afghanistan. Genetically engineered yeast could make it easy to produce opiates such as morphine anywhere, cutting out the international drug smugglers. Holy shit. And making such drugs cheap and more readily available. If homebrewed drugs become widespread, it would make the Sisyphian nature of stopping the supply of illegal narcotics even more obvious than it is now.

Well, I am of the belief though that you should really treat, you know, addicts like they have a disease and you should help them out rather than put them in jail. I've seen a bunch of studies where they try to help them out and get them pleased. Works way better than just sticking them in jail. This, this sick. You know, look at me. I'm a fucking sick man. It would be as disrupted to the drug enforcement policy as it would be to crime syndicates. Oh, and then this is why they'll never have this shit. I don't think they'll have this shit because all the money they make fighting drugs. A bunch of people be out of work. A growing number of drugs, scents and flavors once obtainable, only from plants can now be used,

can made using genetically modified organisms. Researchers want to add opiates to that list because they are part of a family of molecules that they have useful medical properties. Plant, yeah, get the fuck out of here. What are the use, criminal disruption? All right. This is on news, new scientist.com. It's an article called homebrew heroin. Soon anyone will be able to make legal drugs. Hey honey, you want to make some heroin tonight? Uh, we got the kids this weekend. Can we do it next weekend? Okay. You know, it'd be great if they could make like fucking heroin that you're not like addicted to. Or if the government had all the heroin and just like once a year you came in and you just,

it's not off day. Everybody gets to try it and fucking not off and then you're fine. You know, like the Super Bowl once a year. Um, wow. This is one of the weirder podcasts I had, uh, but I'm in a weird mood. All right, that's it everybody. That's the podcast. Enjoy your weekend. Congratulations to the Milwaukee Bucks tying it up and, uh, for making it an exciting series because obviously phoenix went up three games to one. That was pretty much all she wrote unless somebody got hurt on their team. Um, please enjoy the music picked out by, uh, Andrew Thamelis and then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a

year ago or however he does a couple of years ago. Okay. That's it. Evergreen. Hey, what's going on? Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, uh, July 15th, 2013, Barry Sanders, Dan Marino. Um, how are you? How's it going? I know the podcast late. I don't understand why you guys feel like you actually have, not all of you guys, just to feel you actually feel that you know when this podcast is supposed to come about, you know, it's called the Monday morning podcast. Why isn't it around on Monday morning? Well, let me ask you this. Remember that fucking song Led Zeppelin did that? Hey,

mama said the way you move gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove. Click, but I bought up a boop, a peep, a dot, do, but do remember that shit? The name of that song is called black dog. It's not about a black dog. He never says black dog. All right. That's a black dog walked in the fucking studio, right? Wasn't wearing a hoodie. So nobody shot it. John Bonham didn't have to stand his ground. All right. The fucking dog came walking in and they just called the song black dog. So there you go. The Monday morning podcast. I do it Monday mornings when I wake up when I'm in town. I was on a fucking plane this Monday morning flying from fucking from Boston, BAW people, not BAH, you Midwestern cunts thinking

you can do a Boston accent. It's BAH, B-A-W, Boston, the red socks, S-A-W-X, like saw, like you're gonna saw down a tree. Can you, can you figure that out there, Mr. Green Jeans, when you're not out there planting food for the fucking country? Well, can you? All right then. I was just asking, you don't have to grab your little shoulder straps on your overalls. By the way, what is that pocket for between your mantits? What do you stick in there, huh? Your remote control, huh? You stick something in there for whittling? Just go scrub your nails. Fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, I was flying back from Boston and I got upgraded. This is a classic example of cold lotion, everybody. All right, I'm in the back of the

plane with the fucking animals, right? All of us back there clamoring around. You know, we all sucked at math or maybe we were good at math. We just weren't good at fucking, you know, getting along with people, which is one of the keys, main keys to success people. You got to be a good shit. I don't care how smart you are. You got to be somebody that people want to be around. All right, Felbert Einstein was a cunt. You know, just think of how many more Japanese people would be around today. So bad. I'm sorry. I can never get past that he made the bomb. He didn't have to do it. You know, those fucking people asking him to make the goddamn thing, they did not do it. He could have just been like, yeah, I don't know how to make something like that.

You know, you're gonna have to earn this one there, Sergeant Riker. All right, I'd probably offended at least nine different races at this point. Let's keep going here. I know there's a point here somewhere. So I'm flying back. So I'm in the back of the plane, right? With the people who say what they feel to their boss, the people who sucked at math, the people who fucking knocked up somebody they're not in love with. You know, I don't know what I don't know what we did to deserve to be in the back of that fucking plane. All right, but we're back there. And all of a sudden, I get a little fucking tap on the shoulder and says, Mr. Burr, there's a spot up in our first class cabin. There's a space available.

You've been upgraded. You know, and what do I say? Do I say no, I'm not going, I'm staying with my people, you know, the downtrodden, the mentally challenged, not mentally challenged kind of way, just like, and that guy's not all there kind of way, you know, huh? Do I fucking hang in there like William Wallace as they pull out my entrails trying to drag me into the first class and say, no, I'm not going. I'm going to stay in my crowd. I'm going to stay here in the fucking the main cabin. I love to call it the main fucking cabin, right? Like you're feeling like, oh, this is the main, this is the shit. I'm in the main VIP. No, you're not. You should call it the fucking corral or something like the stockade.

Anyways, did I stay with my people? No, I didn't. I sold them out. I said, fuck this. I'm out. Like the leader of a union spooning with some guy that smells like clam sauce. There's another group. And I go up to the front. So I went from my fucking knees in my chest, highlights magazine, right, right in my face, you know, whatever they have there, the sky mall, you know, because you want to buy a fucking Mickey Mouse ashtray, whatever the hell they have slash iPod charger. That's my joke that me and Joe always do our joke. I should say about Bobby Kelly, whatever gadget he has, the way it always ends with anything charges my iPod, dude. Dude, I just bought a fucking dildo, dude. It goes clockwise,

kind of clockwise, and it charges my iPhone, dude. I'm sorry. So anyway, so I go up there. I'm fucking excited as hell. Gonna sit in first class with all the big boys, all the blood money, right? Everybody up there. You know, some bearded fellow with curly cues and diamonds under his hat. I'm up front. I'm up front with the blue bloods. People who own horses just to own them because they think they're cute, not because they got to go fucking till the land. That's how you say it. So I get up my seat. The only thing suck was I was a very front row. So you can't, you can't put your shit under the person in front of you. So I had to look for an overhead compartment space.

People, if you could just put your bags in the overhead compartments, we could expedite the boarding process. We're trying to have an on time departure. They all say the same thing and I fly all the airlines. I whore around. Anyways, so I fucking get up there and I sit down on my first class fucking cabin seat. It's 6.50 in the morning flight. All right. I have a nice giant pillow. I have a nice blanket. First class. Everything's nice. And you know, pay for it. All those poor saps back in the main cabin. You know, some lady going into labor three months in because her knees are so fucking up to her chin. They don't care. They don't care when she has a little three pound baby as we fly over

the Rockies. They don't care. They don't give a fuck to them. That's just another three pound animal to stuff in the back of the fucking plane. And at this point, I don't care because I'm selfish. I'm about me. I'm up front. I'm rubbing elbows with bankers. You know, I'm the only person up there without cuff links, you know, standing out like I shouldn't be at the party, but there's nothing they could say about it. So anyways, I probably got two hours sleep, which is the best way to get on a plane when you have a long flight. Okay. That is the all natural way of knocking yourself out rather than taking some designer drug that's going to put your liver in a full Nelson, you know, maybe choke it out and give hammer in another seven hammer fists before

that UFC ref can slide over, you know, my only complaint about the UFC, you know, when was the last time somebody got knocked out and then didn't get an additional four whip, whip, whip, whip, whip. Where's the fucking guys going? I've never understood that aspect of ultimate fighting. The fucking guy is out. You can see he's out. And if you don't know he's out, the entire crowd going, Oh, doesn't let you know. He's out laying on the ground. You know, you fall down whenever you get knocked out. It's funny because like your legs cross like you're watching television, like enjoying your day off. And then your arms, they always like, they're kind of moving like rocking back like you'll be noticed that they always like go up

like you're still in fighting mode. And but they're sort of like shaking like, I don't know, like your legs are like drilled into the ground and you're up here toy and somebody just flipped your head. Fucking yeah, whatever you've seen this shit. So anyway, I haven't gotten onto that. So anyway, so I sit down there and I'm just like, all right, that's your liver shit. You don't want to do that. All right. If you want to sleep on a flight, just don't go to sleep. Don't sleep the night before your flight. I mean, how fucking easy is that? How lazy are you? Do you get that from your parents? I mean, what's wrong with you? I don't think you should be listening to this podcast right now. I think you should sit down,

have a little quiet time and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you. I'm seriously repulsed by you right now. If you if you fit into the definition of this, all right, so just don't go to sleep. So that's what I did. I stayed out with fucking the pride in Newark's Paul Verzi and I got two hours of sleep. I drove my rented Kia back to budget and yeah, whatever I get on the fucking plane. So I'm just going to go to sleep and I go to press the button to recline my seat and my seat is broken. It won't recline. All right. I got upgraded to first class and my but my seat wouldn't recline and right there people because there's a lot of confusion out there right there. That is a classic example of some cold lotion. Okay.

They're doing something nice for you, but then there's an awful experience involved. Right. Look up the definition because I'm sick of people sending me shit on Twitter going, oh, you know, this guy sent me one. Oh, I went to the summer league and I watched my, you know, Portland Trailblazers, but they lost to the Lakers. That's some cold lotion. No, it isn't. The Lakers didn't say, Hey, we're going to fucking we're going to lose on purpose tonight. You know, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, sir. So anyways, now I'm fucking sleeping upright. You know, though, I swear to God, those goddamn chairs on airplanes are just unforgiving. First of all, the fuselage is just far enough away from your head that it's going to kill your

neck if you try and lean your head on it. So then you get the pillow and the pillow is a piece of shit front or back of the plane. The feathers just scatter, especially when you got a big head like mine. So you can't get that. Then you try to turn to the side. All right. Try to turn and lay at an angle. Then you got the armrest, which it feels like a fucking pistol stuck in your side. Yeah, it's the worst. You know, I just threw the blanket over my head because I forgot my eye mask and did you see Superman and eye mask? I'm sorry. Whatever. I just want to give you an example of what fucking cold lotion is or look it up on the Urban Dictionary. They have a great explanation of what it is. I'm tired of fucking corrected people on Twitter. Tired of that?

You tell it done three shows this weekend screaming my brains out because I don't know how to write a joke. I sound like Peter Brady right now. I'm sick of that on Twitter. And then I'm also sick of the fucking people who go first world problems. All right. That's the latest in the list that I'm beginning for Twitter hack. All right. What do we have so far? We have anything that begins with that feeling when that moment when or if you go, wait, what? Right. I want the last such and such time of my life back. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. All of these you've heard thousands of fucking times get for some reason a select 90% of people on Twitter continue to use them as if they're still funny.

The same fucking people who would go out to go see a comedian and if they did the same shit that they already saw them do on TV, they'd be like the show sucked. You know, and they go on Twitter and they fucking hack it up. I know I'm being harsh on you guys because you're just civilians, but if you want to enter the wonderful world of joke writing, you need to step up your fucking game. Why don't you try to find your own voice on Twitter and 180 word fucking letters or less, whatever it is. All right. I'll tell you right now. I'm a little disappointed in a lot of you. You're better than that. Okay. First of all, if you live in a first world, you should never tell somebody that's a first world fucking problem

as if to remove yourself from your spoiled existence. You know, like you don't have some roast beef in the fridge that you didn't have to go out and kill and maybe lose your oldest son trying to bring that fucking yak down, right? Is that where roast beef comes from? What does roast beef come from? That's some sort of steer. I guess that's a steer. Cow you get the milk, right? Unless it fucking beats up other cows and then they fucking kill it. They make steaks. Steers, you get the steaks, rub roast and all that shit and then bulls, bulls go around and they fuck the cows to make more steers and more cows. Am I right? Anybody? Anybody out there or farmer? Anybody out there in the fucking cattle game?

The cattle game. That's a new movie I'm working on. The cattle game. It's about a cow that has a dick and it surprises an unsuspecting bull because it's already fell in love with them. I just spoiled the secret of the cattle game, everybody. This is the weirdest fucking podcast ever. All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here, everybody. All right, so I can keep the podcast free for all you fucking whining cunts out there. I don't want to pay for the podcast. There's too much advertising. Pick a fucking side, Mary. Legal zoom, everybody. Whoops. That's not it.

That was like a commentary on the fucking thing. What the hell is it? All right, fuck it. Let's call an audible. Like I just came up to the line, you know, I have to call in a play and I see a defense and I'm giving a look to my fucking receiver, right? All I got to do is give them a look. Marvin Harrison out there. Did you kill anybody last night? Who did you kill last night? Wide receiver. Tevo, everybody. Before Tevo watching TV was weirdly hard. Weirdly hard. I don't think it was. I think it was pretty basic. You know, you turned it on, you sat down, you looked at it. I got issues with that. But you know what? I'm going to be a company man and I'm going to play ball here. Bill Burr reads the Tevo

ad. Take two. Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, Tevo. Before Tevo watching TV was weirdly hard. You could only watch a show at a certain time. And if you missed it or even a part of it, you literally had to wait for it to go into reruns before you could see it again. Now I'm old enough to tell you that that's 100% true. You missed one episode of happy days. You didn't know what was going on. How did Chachi knock up Joni? When did they have a kid? Well, you missed last week's episode. Have fun. Wait until July. Thank God that's all over because Tevo totally changed all of that. And while our other DVRs exist, they're not as sicklicious as Tevo. Oh, they're trying to get the young market here because if you have cable, Tevo lets you watch your shows

wherever you want. With Tevo stream, you can watch on your iPad all over your house. That's awesome, man. I actually have a little mini iPad now. I got to get this. Instead of just talking about it, I should take action and even transfer your favorite recordings and take them with you on an airplane waiting in line at the DMV dentist's office. Tevo makes other DVRs look like they were designed by some Soviet committee. Take that one people over there in partial Europe and Asia. Only Tevo searches for both cable and web to find any movie, any show, any video at the press of a button. Netflix, Amazon, YouTube. Now those are just... I was doing so well, wasn't I? Now those are just like more channels on your TV. And with the Tevo

mini, one Tevo box works on a second TV from the couch to the kitchen, from the minivan to 35,000 feet. Tevo, Tevo makes TV about a thousand times better. I don't know about you guys, but I'm sold. That's another great way to make a flight go by. I watch every episode of Welcome Back Carter, one after another. Boop, bop, ba-doop, bop, ba-dee, ba-doo, ba-da, ba-doo, bop, ba-dee, ba-da, ba-doo. Welcome back. E-voice, everybody. Your screening calls, closing deals, and making money, all while lounging poolside in the summer sun. Thanks to who? Who? E-voice, everybody. E-voice is a better way to connect with the people that drive your business. E-voice will forward your

business calls to your home, mobile, or any number you choose. Wherever you are, E-voice will find you. Don't have time to take a call? No problem. It's routed to your voicemail, and you can read it at your convenience as a text message. E-voice not only gives you an edge over your competitors, it takes away the edge the big companies have over you right now. With E-voice, you can create the appearance of a whole office building of departments when customers call you, a sales department, customer support, tech support, you name it, and it works with any phone, even yourself. Hey, it's summer. Don't be stuck in your office all day. What's wrong with you? Go out there and get in the sun. Look at the ladies, right? Or if you're a woman, go look at the

fellas in their hairy pecs, you know? Free yourself with a free 30-day trial of E-voice so you can see what I'm talking about, or at least what I'm reading about. Go to evoice.com and enter a promo code bill for 30 days for, sorry, for a 30-day free trial. Jesus. You know, I always like run down, great. I get to the horse, I do my little flips, and I never stick the landing. That's evoice.com, promo code bill, or go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the E-voice banner. And lastly, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. How long have you been getting F'd in the A when it comes to buying blades for your Reza, right? Why are they acting like their little gold bouillons? They're not. They're little poor excuses for metal plastic hunks of crap, and they lock them

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Shave Club, you know what it does? It saves me time, it saves me money, and the razors are great. I've used them. I dragged them right across my red face, and I was smooth as a baby's bottom, but not in a perverted way. I want you to try it. Do me a favor. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. Support this show. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr, or click on the Dollar Shave Club banner at the podcast page, billburr.com. One more time in case you're on drugs, that's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. Jesus Christ, how many times I got to tell you? Jesus Christ. All right, back to the podcast. Here's something you don't get a lot on the podcast, everybody, an apology.

I owe two major apologies. Three. Jesus Christ, where do I start? Number one, I trashed World War Z. Before it came out, the second I saw the rating was PG-13. If you remember from a couple of weeks back, I said basically that the end of the world is not PG-13. It's like NC-17, if not 18, if that's actually a rating. Okay. But I actually went out and I saw World War Z and I got to tell you something. I absolutely loved it. Not only did I love it, I feel the PG-13 rating helped it, you know, because we go out and see my act. My act is probably NC-17, or at least rated R. And if you really watch me, I don't know how to write a joke. That's why I have to scream and jump around and say the F word every other word.

And people still laugh because they don't realize I'm just doing a big parlor trick. That's all it is. But the great thing is, is when you go down to PG-13, they actually have to make a movie. I'm BSing right now. I'm bullshitting everybody. I kept a PG-13 there. You know, you know what I like? They actually, they built suspense. And actually back in the day, even in rated R movies, they started building since they used to build suspense. And one of my things that I always hated about horror movies and big time blockbusters is once all they had all that CGI equipment, you know, they could have the perfect storm wave and all that crap. They, there was no story. It's just a bunch of people and you're just sitting there waiting for the

big wave to knock over the boat. And one night I watched this movie Dark Knight of the Scarecrow and the movie, I don't know, there was really scared the shit out of me late at night. And I was trying to figure out why there was really nothing. I couldn't figure out when it was, they were building suspense. They were scaring the shit out of me and World War Z did it. Brad Pitt was awesome. So my apologies to Bradley Pitt, Pride of Missouri and anybody else connected with World War Z was a fucking great movie. I highly recommend it. That's apology number one. Apology number two, speaking of movies. For the last two months, I've been hyping the Billy Red state tour talking about how all you guys drive, you know, a lot of people drive long distances to come and

see me. And I said, you know what? I'm going to come and see you. But unfortunately, actually, fortunately, I ended up getting some acting work and I can't control when they shoot stuff. And it's really a big thing for me. And I couldn't say no to it. So unfortunately, the Billy Red state tour got kind of got split up. I've rescheduled all of them. All right, I'm not going to totally sell out and just say, well, I got acting work. I'm not doing these. I just rescheduled them. So this is the deal. The first two dates, Boise, Idaho in Bozeman, Montana, those ones are still the same dates. Everything else got moved. As of right now, the only rescheduled dates I can give you is Boulder, Colorado is September 4. And Pikes Peak, Colorado is September 6. And I believe we're looking

at Oklahoma and Kansas that got moved to like November. This is the deal. I'm still coming to all of those places just not in the next two weeks. I apologize. I know it's the summer. You probably said, Hey, I can't go water skiing and bang that chick. I always wanted to bang back in high school, but didn't have the balls. And now I said the right shit. You know, I hope I didn't fuck up something like that for you. All right. But if you're just going to play Frisbee with some cow chips, then I think he can wait a couple of months. Is that really an apology? Started off as one. And then lastly, the last apology that I have is I have to apologize to jolly, jolly old England. I usually watch Wimbledon every year, but I've been so busy, I missed out and I ended

up the one fucking year. I don't watch it. The first English champion since I don't know when I'm going to guess the 1930s again, Andy Murray. Congratulations for being the first human being with dick and balls from Great Britain. Or should I say England? What does Great Britain? Let's see the United Kingdom. Who gives a fuck about geography? Whatever. He's from England. I wish I could have seen. I mean, I've even watched a clip of it to see how fucking crazy everybody went. So my apologies. I should have given you guys your props. That's awesome. I'm sure you guys are still fucking celebrating. I think that's a great thing. Great for the sport. And, uh, and speaking of sports, yet another person from overseas sent me another video about

rugby. You know, one of those clips where they show all these unbelievably hard hits and they are hard hits, you know, but they always kind of have to come at me like saying American football is for pussies because they wear all this equipment. So here's what I have to say to rugby people, fans of rugby who think that American football players are somehow pussies slash not as tough as rugby, uh, rugby players put it this way when rugby players like two, three years after they retire start committing suicide by shooting themselves in the chest because they don't want to damage their brain. So scientists can look at it after they're dead to figure out why they're so fucked up. You know, when rugby players start doing that, okay, then, um,

then maybe you have an, even then you wouldn't have an argument. Then your sport would be as fucked up as ours. You know, and if you want to win that contest, you know, our sport does more damage to our citizens than yours does, then, you know, more power to you. But I'm just saying, I don't think rugby guys, uh, they don't kill themselves, do they? I have no fucking idea. I didn't, I didn't really research it one way or the other. Um, all right, so I know a lot of people, you know, I, uh, were asking me questions here, wanted to meet a comment on that, uh, that case down there in Florida. I gotta be honest with you, once it went, it was so racial from the beginning, that shit just, uh, depresses the hell out of me. It makes me feel like there's never gonna be

any sort of progress. I think that there's progress in, uh, you know, maybe stuff in movies and stuff that people say on TV, but I still think people have a lot of the same thoughts. Unfortunately, they do. And, uh, so I don't know anything about it. All I can say is that I feel a lot of the people, some of the shit, I had actually stopped like following like three people on Twitter because the shit they were writing was so fucking ignorant about it. Um, basically by ignorant, I mean, not talking about the case, making it this whole fucking race thing. And, uh, and people like that, I saw on both sides, I would say that if it was flipped and the exact opposite thing happened, you know, played out the same way, except it was a 17 year old white kid that killed,

got killed by an African American adult, those same people would completely flip on whether they thought it was guilt or innocence. And that's what fucking drives me nuts about the shit and depresses me. Um, but I mean, race was a big thing about it. I could tell you this right now, if an African American male adult shot a 17 year old white kid, uh, with, who had skittles and iced tea, uh, I don't know. I would not want to be the defendant in that fucking case. Put it that way. I wouldn't. So, uh, another fucking unfortunate. It just gets so, you know, do you really think I actually, let me ask you this. Do you think people are that ignorant or that they just show the ignorant people? You know, I don't fucking know, but I get overwhelmingly

depressed when I watch shit like that. So I kind of stayed away from it. Um, so anyways, I don't know why I brought that up. It's just a, it's a fucking awful topic. I do have to say, though, for the little I know about to stand your ground law, I don't understand why that exists. Um, most other states, you have to have exhausted any option of, of retreat. You know, like every martial arts class you ever take, like they always say the first fucking defense is to avoid it. If you can avoid it in any way, regardless of, hey, you fucking pussy, your mother's a kind of whatever. That's just words. You're supposed to just walk away from something like that. You know, and it's just when you get to the point where your backs against the

wall, you know, you got to defend yourself, which I 100% believe, but that stands your ground where your wife's going like, honey, they're kind of angry. Let's they're drunk. I think we just, I ain't moving, standing in my fucking ground. That just, that just sounds, that sounds aggressive. Like I don't know the standard ground law. And I'm just asking here before you start sending me emails written all in capital letters. All right. To me, that just sounds like you're escalating. That's, that's a way to escalate a situation. You know, do you know how many people fucking stood their ground and just wish that they didn't are in wheelchairs now or missing eyes or fucking drool all day long and standing your

ground is one of the dumbest fucking things you can do with a complete stranger who gives a fuck. They're not in your life. You know, oh, is that what you think about me? Person who doesn't know me and I'll never see again. That's good. Okay. You're right. I'm walking away. I don't know. I don't know much about the law, but that reminds me a long time ago when I watched this bouncer, he walked up, there was two people arguing and he comes walking up. Now his job is to fucking, you know, end the situation, defuse it. Right. Hopefully by just talking, you know, see, he comes walking up and he says, Hey, what's the problem here? And the guy talking to him goes, well, this guy here, blah, blah, blah. And he put his hand on

the bouncer's shoulder, like more like, Hey, I want to talk to you to tell you what happened. And the bouncer immediately goes, first of all, don't touch me. And I can't do it the way he delivered the line, but I immediately started fucking dying laughing because what he then did, he just escalated the situation. And then that guy who was mad at the other guy took the anger he already had and then focused it on the bouncer. And then immediately they're both on the ground rolling around on the floor. And it was just like, what struck me is so funny was that that bouncer came over there and it was just like, did you want to fight the guy? Why would you say that? He should just said, sir, I just need you to keep your hands down there. Thank you.

No, no, what, what, what are you saying? Blah, blah, blah. Go that way. But first of all, don't touch me. Fucking like slap his hand away or whatever. I don't know. I don't know about that standing your ground thing. So I'm also very ignorant of it, as you can tell. So let me know. I'm going to wait till everything dies down that I'm going to try to read up on the fucking case, but I can't watch it when it's like Rolling Stone is so frigging to the left. And then you watch like Fox News. And yeah, you know, you know, they are over there, like it's so hard to try and get some sort of like sanity and all of that. And you combine that with every fucking jerk off who has an opinion, you can write something on the internet. I just kind of avoided the whole fucking

thing. Who knows? All right, there you go. So you asked, I said it, I hope I didn't fucking piss anybody off and make it any more painful. All right. And with that, hey, you know, something, somebody wrote something, some fucked up dream to me that they had that I was in and actually wrote something funny back. I like to think funny back to analyzing his dream, just to give me something else to talk and keep the podcast fresh. If you guys want me, if you had a fucked up dream over the next like six days, or maybe one you had a few weeks ago and it's bugging you and you want me to interpret your dreams. All right, Bill Burr interpret your dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams will be a new segment, hopefully next week on the podcast. And they

obviously don't have to be about me. I hope I didn't confuse anybody there. All right, this is gonna be some fucking, you know, narcissistic thing. Even though I am sitting here by myself, I'm too fucking arrogant to have a guest or lazy or whatever you want to call if you want to fucking frame it, that's up to you. I don't tell you how to think. So yeah, if you have a weird fucking dream, send it in. And I'll interpret your dream. Oh, by the way, I want to thank everybody who came out this week. I was in my old stomping grounds, went to the Cape Cod melody tent, which was a just an absolute, that was a dream come true to be able to perform in that place. That's the one and only place I ever saw George Carlin. And it was amazing. I couldn't believe

how small it was. Anytime you're in the round, like that many seats look small because you're like cutting the ring off. It's kind of like how Dan cooked at it when he would do like those giant arenas. It's fucking brilliant. Cause if you're doing like a giant place like that and you put the stage on one side, it's like that person in the last row up top is a zillion miles away. But if you put it in the middle, it's like, you guys, you can do the fucking math. You don't have to be in construction. You know what I mean? I'm 50% closer to you. That last row is 50% closer. The second to last row, everything is 50% closer, isn't it? Except for like the front row. But isn't there more front row with the circle? Oh Jesus, I'm all confused. I'm starting to sweat

here. So anyways, I went down there and I just had a fucking great time. And I was having such a good time. I forgot to promote that I was selling my DVDs afterwards. So I apologize to anybody who wanted a picture or something like that. I did come out afterwards. There was like 30, 35 people there. Needless to say, I left a lot of fucking DVDs in a box back in Massachusetts. And then the next night I did the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino, which is one of my favorite fucking gigs. I was up there, I was working with Paul Verzi and then a buddy of mine, Wayne Previty, who I started out to and stand up with a long time ago back in Boston. We all hung out and had a great time. And then the final night was the Newport Yachting

Festival Yachting Center, sorry, which was, uh, you know, an unair conditioned tent in a parking lot. And it was, I don't know if it was global warming or what, but it was the hottest it's ever been. I don't know if anybody took any pictures of me when I was on stage, but I was wearing this button down shirt that was really thin and I thought was going to be cool. But all it did, it was like, you ever work out wearing a great t-shirt? How fucking disgusting you look afterwards? That's what I look like. Um, it was gross, but I hung in there and actually I got like 50 minutes in and then I just felt like I got like almost like runners high. I was so fucking hot. And I ended, I think I did like an hour and a half. It was one of the longest I've ever done on

stage standing up there. And, uh, I just had a great time and consumed nine zillion calories as I always do. I took Verzi on a fucking, uh, we should have filmed it on this foodie tour of all this shit that I used to be able to eat in my early twenties and wake up the next day and still have a flat stomach, dare I say abs. I took it like what's great about Massachusetts, if you ever go out there is like every two to three towns has just some unbelievable fucking place to get pizza and there it's, I think they call it bar, bar pizza where it's basically the size of a small pizza. And, uh, I'm telling you the place I have, which I'm not even going to tell you what it is because I don't want to blow it up because I want to be able to

come back there and get a seat. Um, when I did the movie, the heat, um, Nate Cordray told me about a place he knew down off a route three that was fucking unbelievable. And, um, I don't know, maybe if you guys want to, if you guys want to out some of your spots, it's a great thing to do. And then I took him to this fucking ice cream place afterwards. It's like we were on a date. I took him to this ice cream place that's right on a farm. All right. And you get a small, you get a small fucking dish of ice cream, right? And they put the sprinkles on the bottom. By the way, in Massachusetts, they're called jimmies. And I just found out that that's what I heard that's actually racist because I guess that that was another term for African Americans back in the

day, like Jim Crow laws. So there's a couple of jimmies over there, kid or whatever. So they call it because the sprinkles a lot of times with chocolate called them jimmies. All right. So I probably shouldn't even fucking said that because now racist will be like, oh, good, a new way to be a cunt. But anyway, so I always say sprinkles when I'm up there, even though that that always makes me feel like silly saying that, like, could I get some sprinkles? I'm just a little flustered. Um, now it's at homophobic. I mean, Jesus, it's just a bear trap wherever you step. So whatever, they put the fucking sprinkles on the bottom and the small is basically like eating a pint of fucking ice cream. So then we walk over, we sit on a bench, me and Paul Verzi sitting on

a bench in defense of us. It was made for three. All right. And we're sitting there eating ice cream, looking at the cows from the farm where they get the fucking cream and the milk or whatever the fuck they get. What is the cream come out of the cow? Well, is that somewhere around between the taint and the other there? Is that what it is? Does it got an extra valve? You know what I mean? Like that one that's just for hot water. I don't fucking know. So we're sitting there and I said, I shouldn't even tell you this. No, I can't tell you this. I said, I'm going to take a picture of us and I'm going to send this to Nia and she's going to fucking trash us. And that's exact. And I bet I'm a dollar and of course she did. Um, and then so whatever, we went up to

the Hampton Beach that night and we do the gig. Um, this is a place like Aerosmith when they first started out rumors has it that led Zeppelin actually played there. If they did, it's probably one of maybe, uh, I know they played the, uh, the Boston Tea Party. I know they played the whiskey out here in LA. They played, they literally played like, I think a dozen small venues before they absolutely blew up and just went to, I imagine large theaters and obviously arenas. But, uh, last time I was there, they were claiming that that that might have been one of the places that they played. Um, and also a long time ago, I remember I was in a bad relationship and I walked up the boardwalk and I was like, I want to get out of this relationship. I want to turn my life

around and I saw George Carlin's name outside of there. And I remember thinking that's what I want to be doing. I want to be doing standup, not being in this fucked up relationship. Right. So we had a great time and then I'm racing back to get some Chinese food at this place that I will out this place that the, uh, Tahiti and, uh, dead of mass. And I'm telling you right now, you can't fuck with the Chinese food and Massachusetts. Oh, our, however far it goes where they have a poo poo platter, they have chicken fingers, their pork spare ribs, their crab rangoon. I'm telling you, New York, you don't even know what the fuck good Chinese food is. New York had the worst Chinese food. The dirtiest goddamn fucking restaurants I've ever been to. The Chinese food, every fucking

you walk in, first of all, they'd be like bulletproof glass that was all scraped up and dirty and smudged. And then there was this filthy fucking bicycle. They never mopped the floor. They were the dirtiest fucking places I've ever been to in my life. You go to fucking the ones up here in Massachusetts or when I was out there in Massachusetts, dude, it was like a fucking lounge. Get a scorpion ball, dude, right? Fucking 12 drunks with 12 straws, sucking down like five different alcohols with Hawaiian punch in there. These big lounges, these fucking looking like, uh, look at that shit on the Brady bunch where they lost the Tiki. Everybody, everybody, fucking Don Ho walking by with a ukulele, which I know is Hawaiian. I don't give a fuck. It was

great. Insane food. So I did this thing with the, uh, I hate when I have an early flight and I have to get, I have to fill up the tank with gas because I always end up almost missing my flight. So finally I chose the full tank of gas option, which sucks because then you got to drive around on E because you don't want to get fucked because if you come back with a half a tank that's still charging you for a full tank and the fuck over extra price, you know, for a gallon of gas. So I'm driving back from, uh, New Hampshire and, uh, the fucking light is blinking that we're going to run out of gas and we already ordered food and Verzi sitting there going, not to, we're going to make it, we're going to make it. And we pulled in, we made it, we got the food, everything was great.

And I came out to start up the fucking SUV, little poor excuse for an SUV and it did the start. That's how low on gas I was. It was on fumes. And fortunately I read up a little bit on, uh, cars and I was thinking, what if I pump it a little bit and maybe I can get a few drops out of the fuel line and get across the street and it happened. Started the fucker up, you know, because my dumb ass, that's how little I knew about cars. I wouldn't, I wouldn't have stepped on the gas more. I would have thought that I just would assume there was nothing left. Um, and then we ate it. And then the next day my stomach was 10 times fucking bigger. But you know what? I stand by it. I had a great time. Listen to Paul Verzi's podcast. I guarantee you the Verzi effect. He brings it up this week.

Um, all right, let's get back to the, uh, let's do a little advertising here, a little frick, little frack here. Uh, stamps.com everybody. I've already told you how not to have to ever go and have to buy, uh, what do you call blades for your razor anymore? So already right there, that's one less trip you have to make out of the house where his, his one less trip, number two. So that would be two less trips unless you decided to go run errands and do them both at the same time. I don't know how you live your life. All right. Stamps.com everybody with this summer in full swing. There are a lot of places we want to go, but the post office isn't one of them driving there, parking, waiting for a clerk. What a hassle, man.

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Let's go back to the podcast everybody. You know what? I've been running my yep. Talking about myself long enough. I have an idea. I have an idea. As they say, why don't we read a couple of letters? Bulgaria. Bulgaria, everybody. That's in Eastern Europe just south of the Ukraine. Capital is, uh, don't tell me. Ah, shit. I had this one. Is that Sophia? Was that Belarus? Look at that. I didn't polish up on them for one fucking week. No, it's Sophia. Right. Then what the hell is Belarus? Ah Christ, I can't even fucking remember anymore.

What an asshole. Yeah, it is Sophia, but what's Belarus? Now I'm looking it up. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, I can't sing that song or else the ghost of, big headed Moe there. He gets the money. I pass a jack with the fucks his name. Yeah, it gives a fuck. All right, Bulgaria. I heard you mentioned Bulgaria in the last podcast. The hairs around my asshole rose up in excitement that you would visit. I checked your schedule and there are only two Euro cities listed. Go fuck yourself. You cunt. Um, despite your tone, despite how insulting you just were, I feel as though that, um, you really don't feel on that. I just feel you're disappointed.

All right. So I'm going to plow through all your anger that you just sent me and I have to ask you this. Bulgaria is one of those, those countries I don't know anything about. And as an American, if you don't know anything about the country, you have to assume that it's a dangerous place for Americans to go. Part of that is ignorance. The other part is our foreign policy. We've pissed off a lot of people. So I have to ask you this. You seem to have command, albeit in an angry way of the English language. Could I actually go to Bulgaria and if I do, what is, what is there to do there? Is it war torn? Have you made a comeback? Let me, let me hear about Bulgaria and in general, let me hear about Eastern Europe.

What's going, what's going on over there at Bosnia and Herzegovina, Slovenia, Slovakia, Hassan Fepfer corporate. We're going to do it. Just a couple of Eastern Europe cunts, making beer and fucking Milwaukee. We're going to shave our mustaches for you. Potato dilemma. Hey, Billy red face. I find myself at a big career decision point in my life. And I'm not completely sure what to do. I'm a 22 year old guy and I study languages at a university here in Finland. Oh, home of Nokia. On many sub is I've worked for a potato packaging company that is owned by my father's side of the family. That's fucking awesome. See that right there? You know why that, that guy and his family are secure is that is about

as tangible as it gets potatoes. You can hold them in your hands. You stick them in a package. Right. Just like the old days. Recently, my cousin who works there regularly at works there regularly asked me whether I'd be interested in joining him and taking over the company as the old owners, my uncles and my dad are retiring soon. I never had much of a relationship with my dad, but he'd still likely be happy to have one of his children take over. Now, I don't really know if I should accept the offer. I would likely secure it would likely secure me a pretty good living in my adult life. But the thought of being able to see my future laid down before me like that is a bit scary. So far, I've never really planned ahead. And honestly, I ended up

in the university studying English just because I didn't know what else to do. Well, you know, as far as I know about Finland over there, don't you guys pay like 90% tax, but everything's taken care of, you know, health insurance, college tuition is, is all paid. Hence, don't you guys have a problem over there with people like you, young people who don't know what they want to do. Everything's taken care of. Why go out in the real world and have 90% of your check go out the window for shit that you're not going to be using unless you get a fucking hemorrhoid, right? They kind of created the terminal college student. I'm just asking. Anyways, this has led to some lack of motivations in my studies,

as I don't really know where I'm going, going with it at all. I just haven't had a plan. By the way, how great is this guy's English? It's better than me. I just haven't had a plan. And I've always felt like a bit of an underachiever in my family. He knows the word underachiever. I know some French words. I don't know what underachiever is underachiever. It's a five syllable fucking word. I barely use that in my own language. I applaud you, sir. With all my older siblings having gone to successful careers in education and medicine from their university studies, where I've just been drifting along with no destination so far as a regular employee, the work in the potato company has never been terribly exciting. But as the owner, I'd obviously have more control in what kinds of

things I could do. There's also the possibility that I could refocus my studies into something more business oriented, maybe taking over the marketing side of things in the future. Should I accept this offer or should I wait until I found a career path I feel more certain about? I just don't know if I'm ever going to find it. Obviously, I'm lucky to even be in this situation. But it's just a bit overwhelming to have such a big decisions to make at this age, which I haven't really thought about seriously before. Thanks. Have a good day and go fuck yourself. Dude, this decisions all going to be in your gut. You're going to have to go with your gut, dude. I can't make the decision what you should do with your life. I do feel that you should have a passion if you want to have fun at

work for what you do. But if you're just kind of floating around aimlessly, huffing out of a bong, maybe this could be a good thing for you. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I don't know what you're doing. All right. And I also imagined that, you know, if you take this and you don't like it, you could always sell your stake in it to the other person, your cousin or whatever that you're going to go into business with. So it does give you an asset, which is something that a lot of young people don't have. It gives you a little bit of footing. I don't think it's the worst thing. I mean, I don't think potatoes are going out of style. Are they people always going to need potatoes? I don't know. But at the end of the day, dude, you're going to have to make you're going to have

to make that decision. Personally, I would not want to be in the potato business, but I would love to grow some in my own yard. By the way, everybody, I told you about how we planted some cucumbers and tomatoes and peppers. I can't recommend it enough when they finally are ripe and you bring them in. It's like fucking magic. And I live in a climate out here where I can grow them all year round. I haven't had the tomatoes yet, but Nia picked one and sent me a video. She bit into it like an apple. And I don't know if you guys know a lot of, you know, with the tomatoes and a lot of just vegetables in general, they pick them before they're ripe and they let them ripen on the truck. But basically,

the second you pull it off the vine, you know, it's not getting any more nutrients. And that's why a lot of like, especially tomatoes just suck at least in this country, which is why when you order a caprese salad, you know, they have to put that balsamic vinaigrette on it to give it a little bit of a fucking or the balsamic, whatever the fuck they put on it to give it a little zip to make up for the sugar that's not in the tomatoes. That sweet taste that's not there. The same thing when you make your pizza sauces, you got to throw some sugar in there because the tomatoes over here suck. But if you grow your own, you don't have to worry about that. The only thing you have to worry about is no one went to fucking take them off, which I fucked up with the cucumbers.

I took them off too soon. But it's the greatest thing ever. So getting back to the what you're doing here, sir. And by the way, I'm going to have a whole fucking garden, you know, and then I figure what I'm going to use for protein is the rabbits that I killed that try and steal my vegetables. I'm going to be eating a lot of varmints, a lot of fucking some rabbit stew, some possum soup, you know, a fucking raccoon burger, you know, a side of rabies. Yeah, dude, I would you're 22 years old. I mean, I at 22, I really don't think you should know what the fuck you want to do with your life. Buying in on a business is some fucking old man shit. You should at least own one pair of

suspenders before you make a decision like that, I would think. But I get what you're saying, like this, this, this window of opportunity might not be open when you're 23. And then what if you fucking don't find something else? You know, something dude, by the time I was 22, I knew I wanted to be a comedian. So at 22, if you don't they feel you want to be a potato farmer, then that's probably a pretty good indication. You know, although you also have to take into the fact that are taken to fucking out of the expression goes, you got to factor in the fact that I'm super imposing when I figured out what the fuck I wanted to do on to your life. Okay, some people don't figure out to their 40. So I would go with my gut. All right, and have faith

in yourself as a human being that yet, you know, your life is your life and you're on your journey. Okay. And when you meet the person you're supposed to be with or you you meet, you you find the career you're supposed to be the job you're supposed to be doing in life, you're going to feel it. I'm telling you, when you find that in life, then you never question it. You know, and there's this feeling of relief and excitement. You know, so unless you look at a field of potatoes growing and it gives you a lump in your throat, because it's so goddamn beautiful to you, I don't think you want to do it. That's what my gut says. All right. But like I said, that's a huge decision. You've got to make it for yourself. Okay. I hope

that helped. And go fuck yourself right back at you. And I'll be over there in December. You know what? The London dates selling really well. I know I don't have them all up there, but I don't post dates until there's ticket links, because then I got to deal with people going like, well, when the fuck it takes to go on sale? I don't know. All right. All right. Moving on. Weight loss, everyone. Hey, Bill, just wanted to say I'm representing you here in Maine. On the last couple of the episodes, you've brought exercising and fatty. Oh, I guess brought up exercising and fatties. You forgot the up and wanted to let you know that you've given me an extra motivation to keep off the weight. I've, I've lost in nine months.

I've lost a hundred pounds on the mark. Hang on a second. Good for you, sir. Good for you. That's 500 miles of capillaries. Your heart doesn't have to pump through every fucking beat anymore. I can't even remember, but that's even right. Every pound of fat is five miles of capillaries. Huh? You fucking kidding me? That's why even an extra 10 pounds extra 10 pounds, you're slowly killing yourself. 100 pounds, dude. Congratulations. He goes at 22 and at 225 pounds. I've never looked or felt any better. The question I wanted to ask you is, what is your take on diets? I just control my portion sizes and lay off junk food. Also, I try to drink at least 1.5 gallons of water a day.

Dude, you got to be careful with that. You can actually die from drinking too much water. 1.5 gallon. You're a big guy though. If you're fucking 225 pounds, you're still in shape. I would look into that, man. Are you sure that's how much you're drinking? Anybody listening to this, please do not go out and drink 1.5 gallons of water in a day. You're not, you're supposed to drink like eight glasses. And even you got to watch out. There's something where you can literally drown yourself. It's the cell walls. Like I can't remember. They did this radio contest. Whoever could drink the most fucking water won an Xbox and some mother went in there to do it for a kid and she ended

up dying. It's fucking horrific. But anyways, let's just go back to this. He goes, is that, is that too much? I would, I would go to a doctor on this one, buddy. He says, thanks for putting out the podcast. Definitely keeps me focused on my cardio days. Thanks. Do I believe in diets? No, I don't. I think they just make you miserable. I think it is portion control and you cut out bad foods. You just have to get through those first three, four days to seven days where you're not craving, you're not on that soft sugar, salt, sugar, you know, back and forth junkie. Most people, even if they are in shape, like are still fighting that battle. Like I'm not in the best of shape, but I'm not in bad shape either. But I fight that

all the fucking time. And I actually, you know, I got that ice cream with Verzi and the next day I was driving by it again and I had the urge to go back and get some more fucking ice cream, you know, justifying it like, well, I'm not going to be here. I don't know how many more months if I lived here, I'd go here all the time. But Bob, I said, fuck that. And I'm not going to lie to you. I'm out here wishing I did get it the second time. And but I'm glad I didn't. So the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, I believe in portion control. Dude, if you just have like, you do the shit they say, you have a protein the size of the palm of your hand and you just have vegetables with no statues or cabs. You do that like before seven o'clock at night.

Just drink water the rest of the night. No more. And then you go just go for a walk around the block before you go to bed and then don't eat again for like 12 hours until you wake up at seven again. It just sucks the first couple of nights, then your body gets used to it. So you won't be feeling those hunger pangs. And then, you know, you just keep doing that you wake up, you have fucking oatmeal. There's nowhere for the fat to go. It has to leave. It's getting kicked out by good food. That's what I would do. And you know what I would do that I never really did? I would read up on nutrition. A great guy to actually follow on Facebook is Eddie Brill from the Dave Letterman show standup comedian.

Um, like I learned so much shit just by following him on Facebook. Like he's, he's broken it down all the way down to the bottled water that he'd rather drink out of the tap from some of the shit that he's reading about bottled water. It's amazing. But there's a bunch of stuff out there. There's other things you can do like eat, eat and season. Um, go to go to farmers markets and then actually know what's in season. Like I'll tell you right now peaches are in season. I've never been, I never had peaches in my diet and I just started eating shit that was in season. Peaches in seasons are fucking unbelievable. Like if you get a peach right now, you got to eat it over the sink. It's the most insane thing ever. And one of the greatest things you could ever eat

after, uh, after cardio, you know, I don't know. So wait, what am I fucking? Who's that guy with the candy stripe shorts? You know, with the tank tops and the fucking balding Afro. What the hell is his name? Richard Simmons. Well, Bill Simmons here. Oh, Bill Simmons. I'm supposed to be doing his podcast. We're, we're fucking trying to work out a date, uh, where I can come in and do his podcast. All right. A fat person saying thank you. Look at me. I'm, I'm, I'm inspiring the fatties. Um, dear Bill, dear Billy Aaron Burr, I've been fat or a beast most of my life and I want to thank you for shaming me into losing weight and getting into shape. You see that? Shame works. Most people might get offended when you talk about fatties and gluttonous people,

but I took your criticism and jokes to heart and went from 430 to 220. Wait a minute. Look at this. He did it in a little under 18 months and he goes, I'm not done yet. I'm almost 40 years old. And my goal now is to get to 180 pounds, which I haven't been since I was in the seventh grade, but I will settle for a little less than 200 pounds. Dude, you understand that you basically just saved your fucking life. If you're 40 years old and you're 430 pounds, you're not long for this earth. Okay. And the greatest example, when was the last time you saw a 430 pounds, 70 year old? How about a 60 year old? How about a 50 year old? Have you seen even like a 50 year old? You know, you just, you can't, you can't do it. You just can't fucking do it. So good for you,

man. And you know, anybody else who's fat, when I do these fat jokes, I'm rooting for you, man. I try to make everything fun. I make fun of myself for going bald, being a redheaded cunt. All right. Don't take it. I want you to lose. All right. Good for you, dude. That's insane. That's what 210 pounds. He lost a cornerback. That's unbelievable. I am almost 40 years old now. And my goal, all right, I read that part. He goes, I feel like a new man, but what I'm most, I'm most happy about is how much my dick is growing. Wow. All right. This just took a fucking left turn. He goes, because of all of the blubber I had, I had, because all the blubber I had no idea, but it looks like I had, I have at least an eight inch cock. And that makes me a lot more confident

about myself. Well, dude, how long have you been fat? You must have been fat before puberty, because you said you were, you, you were 180 pounds in seventh grade. Ah, dude, you were that kid, right? They're playing shirts and skins and you're sitting there praying, praying to God, they don't get you for skins. Ah, man, that's fucking brutal. Good for you. Look at him. After all these years, he found his dick. That's tremendous. He goes, I know it's going to be hard, but, uh, I work out at least two hours each day and five days each week. Thanks for being a jerk off. Some people need tough love. I owe it all to you. Ah, I don't know, man. Oh, I, I got you going, but you fucking did it. You work out five, two hours each day, five days a week. Look at this,

comes full circle. Now you're, uh, you're inspiring me. I was going to take today off because I flew on a plane, be a big pussy. Ooh, I flew across the country. I can't go walk around the block. Um, good for you, man. That's fucking awesome. All right. Now, now that you're actually going to live past 50, do me a favor. Speaking of 50, don't drive 50 in the fucking left lane. All right. If you're making a left and the light turns green, get out into the intersections. So not only the guy behind you, but the guy behind him, we can all fucking make it. All right. Other than that, go back to eating Sundays because we can't use you. I'm kidding. Don't do it. All right. Hulu plus everybody. You've tried streaming hit shows

on your PC on hulu.com. Now it's time to try to start your free trial of exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices on Hulu plus. That's right. They've taken hulu.com and they've taken it to another level who with hulu plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows, wherever you want, whenever you want, use hulu plus on connected TVs, game soles, game consoles, game souls. See, you notice my brain. I get too far ahead game consoles, Blu-ray players, Roku, Apple TV, PC or watch from anywhere on your smartphone or tablet on demand at all times. And with hulu plus, you can binge on full seasons, watch your favorite current shows and even watch a full series run of classic TV shows. It's endless. They've got

community, modern family, South Park, SNL, Jimmy Kimmel, Family Guy and much, much more. Hulu plus is only 7.99 per month. Everybody. All right. Less than a pack of cigarettes. But right now they are offering an extended free trial of hulu plus that is only available to podcast listeners. Take control of your TV watching experience. Go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or go to hulu plus.com slash bill. Again, that's hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com or go to hulu plus.com slash bill. All right. And believe it or not, that I believe that's all the advertising. All right. Did I read them all? Let's scroll through here. Yes, I did. Alrighty.

Nothing but the jokes for the rest of the way. All right. Let's read another letter. Where are we? All right. Hypocrisy of the female gender. Oh, Jesus. Come on, guys. Come on, ladies. You know what? Women. Trash the guys. Let's have this fucking be balanced here. Fair and balanced. All right. What do we got here? Hypocrisy of the female gender. My fucking, my batteries are going to run out here. I got to get through this one quickly. Hey, Bill. A.K.A. Bill jizzit shot during the summer. That really has nothing to do with my name. That's just sort of my first name and then a come shot. But you know, you tried. He goes, I'm in a bit of a pickle. He's got jills. He's got a phallic. Is that a vegetable?

It's a pickle, a vegetable or a fruit? Well, let's see, Bill. You're planting cucumbers. It's not on a tree. It's in the ground. It's a fucking vegetable. Look at me. Mr. fucking green jeans here. Anyways, could be serious. Could be just something that'll blow over, but I'd like your opinion anyway. Here we go. A few days ago, while I was getting a coffee, I saw my girlfriend's best friend kissing a dude that doesn't look like her boyfriend. But like the rational human being that I am, I thought I asked my girl before I jumped to any conclusion. So I asked her if her boyfriend's still her boyfriend. She said yes and asked why. So I told her what I saw in her reaction is something I didn't expect. She went silent.

So I asked her if she already knew and said, and she said yes and begged me not to tell the guy. So I said that I'd like to hear your hear this way. So I said that I'd like to hear the story first. Oh, my story first. I don't know what the fuck I'm just going to read the way he wrote it. So I said that I said that I'd like to hear the story first so I can assess how I want to go about the situation. I'm sorry. And she refused. So I said, I guess it would be the same way if you were cheating on me, huh? You would act the same way and you two would conspire over it. And she denied that started crying and said she would never cheat on me. I told her it was fucking bullshit that she's

implying that this cunt of a best friend has even the slightest legit reason to be a piece of shit. And I eventually left to go get some air, though it was difficult since she caused a scene and started screaming down the hall for me. I love when they do that, right? Because the second of women starts screaming in public, the guys like at the very least a borderline rapist. All right. Well, so far, okay, you know, I'm going to just read the rest of this. He goes, at that point, she was breaking down crying and asked me to come back, but I was fucking done. The funny thing is about this. The funny thing about this is I barely even know the guy. I met him like twice. He seems like a cool down to earth guy and all,

but I don't really owe him anything yet. What's happening just triggers something in my mind. And I feel like I should tell him multiple people know his girlfriend is cheating on him. And he has no fucking clue. I really lost a lot of respect for my girlfriend, but she's always talks about loyalty and how important it is to her. And now she hates cheaters because she knows how it feels to be on the other end. What a fucking hypocrite. When confronted with the situation head on, she just excuses it and mitigates it with secret. What? She mitigates it with secret court NSA legal reasoning. So I have to believe. Oh no. Did it cut out? Is it cutting out? Hello? Hello? Hello? Something sounds weird.

I think it's still taping, right? Oh Jesus. All right. Trying to read even faster here. The fuck is going on with the sound now? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. There we go. I'm back. And I'm back. This is the worst read ever. I'm sorry because this is very interesting. I can't even look at her or talk to her right now. Just thinking about the way she reacted to all of this still pisses me off. So what should I do here? Do I tell them? I don't know. Maybe I should just say fuck him. You can't save the world, right? And what about my girlfriend? She's quick to say cheating's wrong until her and her group are on, are the ones doing the cheating. Am I just slowly riding along this shit to eventually, to eventual heartbreak?

Help me out, Bill. You sexy beast you. All right. Well, there's a lot of variables here. It's really, the cheating girlfriend has put your girlfriend in a position where she's dragged her into her shit, you know, where now she has to choose between her friendship to her and her feelings about cheating. And I imagine it's her friend, she loves her and she doesn't want to blow up her life. I don't know. I think, I think what really needs to happen here is you don't need to get involved. I think your girlfriend needs to go to her girlfriend and tell her the situation that her cheating has put herself in and that she needs to fucking end it with this other guy and grow up and start acting like

a fucking adult because her piece of shit behavior is affecting your girlfriend's relationship and where you never had trust issues. You now do, you know, I'm not saying that your, your, your thoughts that your current girlfriend will now cheat on you are unfounded, but there's two sides to loyalty too, where, you know, you can help your friend move a body. You know, there's people like that, like, you know, this cheater might be stringing your girlfriend along going, I know, I'm just confused right now. I'm sorry. I just need, I feel like I need something different, but I still love Mike and I'm trying to, I'm just doing a little dick shopping. I'm sorry. I had to see it. It's like the

cock farmers market, whatever the fuck she's saying, right? Fuck her friend. I feel bad for the other dude. What are you going to do? I would just sit down with your girlfriend and just be like, look, this is what, this is what I asked to go down. All right. You know, whatever the fuck I just said, you need to go talk to your girlfriend and tell her that she needs to fucking clear up her situation because it's affecting my relationship. Okay, grow up, break up with this other fucking guy, you know, and get on with your life. That's what I would suggest. And, um, and, but I don't think you're wrong to now be looking at your girlfriend like what the fuck. And I never believe when a woman

cries when you call them out on shit. I never do because I don't believe that I don't believe the crying as a rule because they can cry on cue like Meryl Streep. You know, they just, they just have access to that emotion and, uh, it automatically makes them the victim. It makes you feel like you're a bully. I think you're 100% right to feel the way you did. You might have gone at her a little too strong. Uh, I give in you an option. Uh, I hope it works out for you. Um, in the meantime, do you think you're going to marry this girl? Because if you don't, you just waste in time. And this is a great fucking, uh, jump off point to get the fuck out of it. You know, NFL football starts next month. That money you're

spending on her going to the movies would look very nice with the NFL package. You got a lot of options here, sir. Um, good luck to you. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you for everybody who came out to my shows. I really appreciate it. And thank you to everybody in the red state tour, um, for being patient. I'm definitely getting out there. I'm still bringing the t-shirts. I'm still doing the shows. I'm just not doing them all at once. Like I wanted to, I don't get to drive across the great state of Montana, but I get to see some of it. I drive from Boise over, um, and I still get to go to deadwood. I just have to figure out when I'm going to do it, but I'm definitely coming and I apologize for the reschedule, just something beyond my

control. So I couldn't say no, I had to do it. I mean, I mean, who the fuck am I? Right? I get eight lines in a movie. If I get a bigger part, I got to take it. All right. So this is not the last time this will happen, but I will promise you guys, if I ever move a date, I will always make it up. I don't say, Hey, fuck that city. Cause I know how this business works. You can get all the way up to winning an Oscar and three years later, you're in a movie about talking babies. All right. I don't want to do that shit. And if I fuck over Kansas city, then they're not going to come out to my show. So I don't take you guys for granted. And that is it, everybody. That's the podcast for this week. God bless you. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week.

And if you think you had enough, we'll take it.