Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-23-20

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

Bill rambles about gift cards, high school, and being a douche.

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And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you to see how you're fucking doing. I had a great day today. I went out and I got a sandwich with my lovely wife. We went out, we got a couple of sandwiches and as I was sitting there across the street, there was a pharmacy. Seeing how the ladies are, they're like, look at my man sitting there, he's enjoying his sandwich. I don't want that to happen. Maybe halfway through his sandwich, I could fucking send him across the street to pick up a couple of things at the fucking, the right Dwayne aid, right aid, whatever the fuck they have out here, right? Would you mind going across the street, get some paper towels, get some batteries?

I was like, yeah, fucking, why not, right? So, you know, I eat like a fucking animal anyways, right? I wolfed my sandwich down and I was just sitting there. That's probably what it was. She was just like, I don't want this fucking bald lunatic staring at me as I'm trying to enjoy my food. So she sent me across the street. So I go across the street, right? And I pick up the items, I come up to the, you know, I see all the candy there and Bert Kreischer, I've been doing the Bill Burt podcast with him once a week. And, you know, we started talking about candy bars and all these obscure ones that I never tried.

And he was going to the Heath Bar is the shit. And I tried it. I was like, God damn, the Heath Bar is the shit. So I was like, I'm going to try a new one. I'm going to try another new one. So I saw a payday. I'm like, God fucking, I'll try this payday, right? Who doesn't like a payday, right? I already feel like a winner. I got a little bounce in my step. I got this fucking payday, right? So I come walking out of the store and there's this homeless guy there. And he goes, excuse me, sir, can you help me out with $20 to get a gift, Visa gift card? You know, and I was in a good mood. I was like, God, this would be my good D to the day. Fuck it, right? Take out a $20 bill. Give it to the guy.

And the guy, oh, God bless you. Thank you, sir. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all this shit. I go, there he goes. Now you can go get his gift card and go fucking do whatever he wanted to do. And as I'm walking away, another person walked by and I hear the, I hear the same guy go, can you give me $20 to get a Visa gift card? And I so bad wanted to turn around and be like, I just gave you $20. All right, you're fucking over begging, I thought that's all you needed. But I didn't, you know, I was an older guy and I, you know, what am I going to fucking start screaming cut in the street? Not like I haven't done that before, but you know, I usually do it from the safety of my car as I drive by.

So I was like, all right, well, you know, maybe he had a bad couple of days or who knows when the next time somebody's going to come by and give him some money, he's got, he's got to put his hours in. So I left and I go, you know, I go over across street. My wife's finishing off her sandwich. I tell the store and she starts fucking laughing her ass off at me, right? So I'm laughing too. So we had a little more time to kill. And she goes, why don't we, there's a magazine, you know, rack across the street. Why don't we go fucking look at some magazines? So I'm like, great, I'll go over there. Maybe hoping against hope that they have a MotoGP magazine or something about Formula One racing, something like that, right?

Because I know all the sports magazines have nothing to fucking talk about over here because there's nothing going on. So I go across the street to go to the magazine, whatever, what the fuck do you call it when they just have a wall of magazine, magazine rack, what do you call it? What's magazine fucking things there? Do Hickeys. So I'm going back over to the magazine thing and I pass the homeless guy again and he fucking looks at me, he goes, excuse me, he's agony, $20 for a piece of gift card and my wife just burst it out laughing. I hope he didn't think we were laughing at him in his situation. She didn't laugh loud enough that he would hear it, but it's just like, Jesus Christ, you know. You don't remember me and my baby blue mask bringing out my eyes? Am I that forgettable?

Unreal. So by the way, that whole fucking bullshit, I've been watching, you know, I'm on Facebook. I'm an old guy, you know, I'm at least nine generations of social media behind everybody else. Everybody's moving on to TikTok. I'm still wrapping up Facebook. That's how far behind I am. They showed this, there was this video, right, of this guy going into a supermarket and this, he wasn't wearing a mask and the lady there is going, excuse me, so you have to wear a mask and he just fucking refused. You know, he looked like me when the TSA asked me to do something, right? Because there are people out there, you know, they just don't like people telling them what the fuck to do. I am one of those people, right, until people with lab coats start saying to do the shit.

Then I go, all right, all right. That's just how I am. So anyways, he puts a mask on, he has it under his chin and the lady confronts him again and he just fucking, he loses his shit. Like I've done a million fucking times and then the security guard comes over saying you have to, he said he wasn't going to leave to the lady then the security guard came over so then the guy fucking leaves. And so anyway, the video goes viral and then this lefty presents it, okay, and he's doing the commentating over it and all he's doing is just shit on this guy who's not wearing a fucking mask, right? Which is what I've been doing, making fun of fucking people and I just realized watching him do it, this isn't the way to get people to wear masks because all they do is just dig it. First of all, he immediately assumed that the guy voted for Trump and they was watching Fox News

and then he called him a coward when the security guy came over, it's like what, if when the security guy came over you wouldn't leave the fucking store? And I just kind of realized, you know, watching that, that I've kind of been doing that, that if you want people to start wearing fucking masks, shit and all over him is not the way to do it. And I just kind of noticed, I kind of noticed, I was like, I think I kind of, because I was sitting there going, look at this fucking asshole, if you want people to wear masks, don't call him cowards and all of that type of shit. This is why there's this giant divide and nobody's listening to the fucking doctors. So I actually, you know, as much as people shit on Facebook, I actually learned something there. But I think at this point, the whole fucking wearing a mask, don't wear a mask, I just think is out the window. It's just becomes, and now people are mask shaming people, which I really, I hate that whole shaming suffix.

That's the new gate, like everything, you know, Watergate then became Iran gate, which became Spy gate, the Flate gate. Now it's shame, everything's like shame. I think when you're an adult, I think doesn't it, if you're really an adult and you're a fully developed woman or man, I mean like intellectually, it takes more than somebody yelling at you to wear a mask to bring shame, doesn't it? Matt, it became fat shaming. All of that shit. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm going with this. I just think that if we were all going to get on the same page on this thing, it needed to happen within three months, and now people just need to fucking go back to work. So I hope they wear masks when they do it, if not, but then I'm trying to be like, you know, maybe these people don't like their grandparents or maybe you got an inheritance coming.

You know, so it's good for you to breathe on, you know, like, hey, granddad, I've always lied to you. Just get the guy all fucking sick and the next thing you know, you get his fortune, right? I don't fucking know. I don't give a shit anymore. I mean, I do, but I can't. And I've just been getting into, like, I just the vibe of the podcast, the way people are writing in now. It's like, oh, god, am I in this douchey area? Did I become that douche? I guess I did. I actually retweeted these guys, wrote these couple comics, wrote a funny fucking sketch, wrote this funny sketch saying that racist people and super people on the left,

super like woke people are actually having a lot of the same arguments. And it was a really smart fucking comedy joke thing and I thought was really great and I just wrote perfect. This is fucking great, right? And just the amount of shit that I got, the sketch was going to like change things. It's like, it's just a fucking joke. It's just a joke. I had black people saying like, oh, so you think that fucking the woke movement is racist? It's like, no, you fucking morons. This is not making fun of people of color. It's making, as far as I understood it, it was making fun of woke people, woke white people. Right? Who are so fucking woke? I don't know. Do I really need to fucking explain it? Put it this way.

One of the people that gave me shit about it was a white woman who literally wrote about the sketch. Two white guys talking about race, enough said. And it's like you are literally the person. And then you look at a profile, it says like spiritual and philosophical conversations. You know, that's who it's making fun of. This person here who's so fucking woke that she doesn't realize the irony of her judging those two people that she doesn't know based on their skin color and their sex is fucking hilarious. It's like that's who they're making fun of. So I don't get why it was so fucking misinterpreted. I don't know. The way I saw that whole thing, if I remember correctly, back about a year ago, woke was something that black people came up with. And it was something that they bestowed on a white person that fucking understood what they were talking about. Right? And then somewhere along the line, a certain group of lefty white people hijacked the word and then crowned themselves woke.

And started prancing around the fucking room and I don't know, with yoga pants that said, you know, woke on it or some shit. I thought that that's who the fuck they were. That's how I interpreted it. So I don't fucking know. Whatever. You know what? I'm just going to just stay out of all of that shit. Not because I give a fuck that people are yelling at me, but my job is to make you laugh and I'm supposed to be having a good time. And like, who would have ever fucking thought that breaking people's balls about masks and a stupid fucking sketch? I don't know. My wife, we got into it the other night about, I don't even know what. Oh, I remember. I know we got into it about where, you know, when I go to put my daughter to bed, if I go to put my daughter to bed, it's a 45 minute thing. All right. I'm reading like nine books. We sing the bear necessities.

She critiques my dancing like the bear and tells me all the part where that I missed. And then when she goes to bed, then we have to watch the video and then she shows me the stuff that I missed in the Disney video. And then she goes to bed, then she tells me to tell her a story, then she says, I want you to snuggle with me and just, it just goes on and on and on and on forever. My wife puts it to bed and it's, it, the whole thing's over in about three minutes. So she's laughing going, she has you wrapped around her finger. And so I was going like, well, just you wait. Okay. Cause you haven't had my experience yet. She goes, what are you talking about? I said, having a kid that, you know, as a man to have a daughter,

that's just a different thing. And now you have a son. So you're going to see, you're going to, you watch how your heart, your heart's going to melt in a different way. And I go, but he's not going to get you as bad because, you know, little girls and women just better at like manipulation is basically what I said. And that just fucking set it off. And she goes, I don't like to, I don't think I like the way you said that. I go, what are you talking? I'm just saying, you know, it's just, it's how nature is. It's like guys would wear like fucking, you know, trying to rip trees out of the ground. That's what we were good at. And, you know, picking up heavy shit. And you guys, all right, well, I can't beat that guy up. So I got to do a mental game, which is actually a better game because,

you know, hitting people is fucking illegal. So like our strength is illegal. So that you're crushing the debate here, but she didn't take it that way and everything. And then I just fucking dug in like a fucking idiot. Once again, like I dug in with this mask shit and I got everybody yelling at me. I'm like, all right, now that I have my listeners yelling at me, what can I do in my home life to sustain this yelling at me? Right. So it literally got to the point. I was just like, yeah, you've ever heard the expression happy wife, happy life? And she's like, yeah, I go, why do you think that is? She goes, I don't know. Maybe a guy wants to keep his woman like just dancing. She knows what the fuck I was saying.

I go, why do you think that is? Why do you think that is? And it just kept escalating and escalating and escalating. And then, uh, and then she came up with, you know, anything, I think he's just been home too long. Oh, and then I just had to take a fucking walk after that. I've been dropping a lot of weight here, people. Just like, all right, you know what? And with that, I'm going to take a walk. I think you've been home too long. Is that what you think? Am I like, am I like, do you feel like you have company over when I'm home in my own fucking house? Um, but she's also been cool as shit. You know, it's the yin and the yang here of a relationship. She's also let me go back to taking fucking lessons flying again, which has been a great thing.

We actually went out and, uh, me and my amazing instructor that I have, we went out and we were doing auto rotations. We just simulate an engine failure and he's teaching me how to do that thing where if you're right over the spot where you want to land basically, how to bleed off all your airspeed while keeping your RPMs out of the red, you know, having that, you know, the nauseating sound of the low RPM horn coming on. And, uh, like the man, what's amazing is, and I felt this too before I started flying helicopters where people used to just think if the engine quit, you just fell out of the fucking sky. Right. And then the rock made a movie where he was nice enough to say we have to auto rotate. So then people learned about that. But I don't think people understand the level of control. If you know how to do one, the things that you can do, I mean, you can literally, you know, there's 180 autos. There's like, you can just, you're like a fucking hummingbird. You can do, you can basically do, I mean, you're obviously with what I fly,

you're dropping like a fucking stone. So it's not, you can make it to certain places like a plane can, which is fucking amazing. I'm not shitting on fucking airplanes either before I get that shit. I'm just saying like this shit, I'm going to get down. I'm going to just start flying a couple of times a week. And that's all I'm doing is I'm just going to be able to fucking wherever I want to put it within reason. I'm going to just, I'm going to get that fucking down. And then I'm going to get back to my trying to get my instrument rating. And I've taken two lessons since I came back and they were just, first of all, I miss flying so much, but just the information that I got and then how quickly I improved because my teacher is the shit. I'm really looking forward to that. So my wife has been cool enough to do that shit. So, you know, and basically also know that you're hearing my side of all of these arguments with my wife. So anyway, speaking of racing, I think I mentioned that earlier trying to find a magazine, they just don't have that shit over here.

That's one of my favorite things about being in Europe other than being in Europe is when I go to a magazine rack store, I know there's a different word for it. Magazine stand. Jesus Christ. Am I apology? You got to apologize. I apologize to all my listeners who for the last fucking 15 minutes I've been going stand, magazine stand. When you go over there, they have they have all kinds of like in depth, crazy nerd level shit on formula one and then to a lesser extent, MotoGP. So I've been having, you know, anyway, so Mark Marquez, unfortunately, my last podcast, I mentioned how he had a really bad crash and I thought he was favoring his wrist or something like that. I was hoping that he wasn't hurt and he actually hurt. He broke his humorous. I believe second biggest bone in your body. Why do we say that? It's the second biggest bone in your body. What about your skull? Isn't that somewhere between your femur and your humorous? You know, if you actually could fucking flatten it out, you know, like, you know, you take a chicken breast and you fucking hammer it. If you did that with your skull, wouldn't that be more bone chips? And this is why he wouldn't, he didn't go premed.

He broke his humorous. So he's not going to be able to race until that saying he might come back August 9th. So there's a race this weekend. I don't know if there's another one. Let me look up the MotoGP thing here because what I'm hoping is, is that Fabio Contrero wins every race until Mark Marquez comes back. So he has all of these points because I feel like if a different rider wins each race, the fucking display, the clinic that Mark Marquez put on on the last race, like he's going to catch up too quick. I want the drama of this guy slowly running down the field. Like when I was basically the, what I saw in that race, him going all the way back to 15th, 16th, 17th place and slowly moving his way all the way back up to second place. I want to see that over a season. Let's see what we got here. Come on, man. MotoGP schedule. Is it that fucking hard? Do I really have to? There we go. MotoGP schedule.

All right. So this weekend they are going, no, there's only one other race. And then he would be back by August 9th. All right. So hopefully I'm rooting for Fabio to win again. And then he, and what's his face? Marquez has, you know, obviously didn't finish and got no points on the last one. I mean, that could be, that could make this season really exciting. And considering it's such a short season, because I got to be, like I said, I got to be honest with you, the fucking clinic that this guy put on on the last race. I mean, he's just in a total, like a league of his own. He just fucking passed. I get it the back of the field, but he was passing people that were in third, fourth, fifth fucking place.

Like they were in like 15th, 16th place. He just, just blew by all of them. I don't know how he does it. Anyway, so that's, that's like my life right now. I'm waiting for hockey to start up. Very excited about that. I need to work on some of my dance moves for the bare necessities. And that's basically, that's basically all I got. I got a couple of announcements here that I do need to make. Roast of your teenage self, all things comedy and national lampoon have collaborated on a podcast called the roast of your teenage self that debuted this week. I want to do that show, but I'm also afraid to look at my teenage self.

Anyway, your teenage years, a tragedy, but that was long ago. In roast of your teenage self, host, Alcy Morales combines tragedy and time to get to the comedy of errors that was your and hers and everyone's teenage years. Not everyone's. Not everyone's. It wasn't everyone's cause there's always, there was the guys, the fucking guys that they just knew how to talk to women from day one, from day one. They were just crushing it. You know what I mean? They played football. They were good looking. They just, they crushed it, right? At least that was my perspective. Anyways, whether an old photo, a high school heirloom or an other knickknack associated with adolescent anguish and use that as a way in to roast the unique, but somehow universal tribulations of being a teen. You know what would be amazing is if she actually brings somebody on.

Maybe I'm romanticizing the cool person in high school, but it really did seem that there was a small group of good looking, athletic, funny, popular, everything you wanted to be. People that they just, they became, they just, they, they were crushing it in elementary as far as like socially speaking. Like I think, I felt like some of them, their tragedy came after high school ended and sort of their fan base. They all leave. Everybody goes to a different school and then it's like, fuck man, I was the man in high school. It's almost like you're like a child star and the sitcom gets canceled after your senior year. Then you have to go and reestablish yourself, but I have a good feeling that most of them, as much as the nerds would like to think that they peaked in high school, I think most of them, at least to migrate, they all seem like they did great. Like I went to one of my, I don't believe into one of my high school reunions and, but I've run into a bunch of people that I went to high school with over the years. They've moved all around the country and they come out. It's always great to see. I had a great, great class of people and everyone not only seems to be doing great, they all have really interesting jobs too.

So I don't know. I feel like that's sort of a trope that someone who was like the high school quarterback who crushed it, that then they don't do well in life. It's like, why would, well, why wouldn't they, you know, they're, they're, they have this magnetism, they're gifted. Why wouldn't that continue? I think a lot of like writers out in Hollywood always write it that, you know, like if you really look at all those coming of age movies from the 80s, there's always like this fucking nerd, right? And then there's the fucking cool jock who's dating the fucking cheerleader and he just treats her like shit to the, and then somehow the fucking nerd does something heroic. She fucking breaks up with him to go out with this fucking nerd. Like that would ever happen, right? Like she would risk her fucking status. Like at that age, you're just too immature, right? You're not, your fucking status is everything to you. And I gotta be honest with you, in my high school career, you know, I really didn't see the jocks, like with the, you know, if they were dating a cheerleader, treating them like shit, like that guy didn't exist. I feel like that was the nerd then went to Hollywood, wrote the fucking script, how they wished it happened.

Because they, they were looking at the jock thinking that he was a dick. He wasn't a dick. He could just catch a ball and you couldn't, and you didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with that. I'm gonna get shit now for punching down. Really, Bill, you're gonna shit on the nerd in the coming of age move? Yeah, I am. Fuck him, all right? I mean, I would hate to see a high school now. They probably let that fucking nerd be quarterback of the team just so he doesn't feel bad about himself. Anyway, so, Roastie of your teenage self. All Things Comedy National Lampoon. Check it out. Check it out. It just came out. All right, let's do a couple of ad reads here. What do we got here? Honey. We all, okay, we all shop online and we've all seen that promo code field taunt us at checkout. But thanks to Honey, manually searching for coupon codes is a thing of the past. Honey is the free browser extension that finds promo codes for you and automatically applies them to your cart. Imagine you're shopping on one of your favorite sites. Note a site where Honey, there's a typo here. Directly saved you money. Well, I haven't used it yet.

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B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. This fucking laptop better not be dying on me. Everyone dies quicker. You know what it is, this one, I do all the fucking updates all the time. You know, Dead Steep Jobs is loving that, isn't he? All right, that's it. All right everybody, hey man, you want to wear a mask? You know, wear a mask if you don't, don't wear a mask.

It's the new punk rock, man. You're sticking it to the man, man. Don't wear a mask. Don't wear a mask, that's a talking point, bro. Whatever the fuck that means. Can we just fucking reopen everything? Why don't we just do that? Just reopen everything.

I'm going out of my fucking mind, people. I have to go back to work, okay? Working is all I know how to do. Other than that, you know, I'm just arguing with my wife. I'm just fucking to myself. I'm going out of my fucking mind here. Can we just reopen the thing? I don't give a shit, okay?

Enough of the population doesn't give a shit. So, fuck it, let's, you know. I mean, come on. That has to make as much sense as the stuff you're thinking, right? If you think I'm losing it, I am, I am losing it. I need to go on a fucking stage. You know, Dean Del Ray posted this fucking picture of the lineup at the comedy store on March 12th, the last time he did a set.

And I was just like, oh my God, that seems like another lifetime ago. So, I don't know. I'm going to do what he's out to our gigs, man. I think I'm going to do one. I'm going to go to a fucking CVS parking lot, man, in case anybody in the crowd gets sick or some shit and starts coughing and we can all run in there and go buy some shit. Right? Is that what we do?

I don't know. I mean, I'm so fucking bored. I'm trying candy bars that I've never, never, never wanted to ever try. You know, I guess now I'm looking for an Oh Henry bar. That's the bar I remember from way back in the day. Look at me just babbling. Like this podcast is over and I'm so fucking bored and lonely from not fucking performing. Oh Henry candy bar.

Let's see if they still exist. Oh Henry candy is a candy bar. It still exists. Fucking unbelievable. That's like one of those procedural shows. Well, you just stop watching it because you just can't watch it anymore. You know, you're recognizing guest stars playing different criminals like then they already arrest that guy for fucking flashing his dick in the park.

What's he doing now? He's got a Ponzi scheme. Well, how long did he go in jail for the other thing? He's got like a different fucking name. You just tap out and then like a decade goes by and all of a sudden you just flip it through the channels. You fucking, you see all the life has gone left like the fucking actors eyes. They've been on a one camera fucking shoot shooting a never ending movie for the last fucking 15 years of their lives. I don't even remember what my point was.

I think that's a good place to end. All right, that's it. Oh Billy down the middle. I'm going to write down the middle again. Half a mask, right? You have it over your mouth, but you breathe out of your fucking nose, you dope. Those people are worse than the people that don't wear masks. You don't wear a mask.

I get it. You don't believe it. God bless you. What the fuck do I know? But to actually put the mask on and then just have it under your nose, you know what I think about those people? I look at them like they're quitters. You know what I mean? Like they can't finish a fucking workout.

They're too fucking fat. You know what I mean? Or they just got fucking horrific breath and they finally realized that I have no idea. I'm babbling. I'm like this comic that's trying to end on a laugh and just doesn't have the fucking joke and he's just going to keep going. He's just going to keep going. All right.

Enjoy the music. Enjoy this throwback Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts from a couple of years ago and a little bit of music always picked by the wonderful Andrew Davos. All right. 00:36:55,000 --> 00:37:14,000 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, July 23rd, 2012. Here's my little Sesame Street moment. Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit audiblepodcast.com slash bill for your free audio book download. You like that? Wasn't that just like Sesame Street? Today's show is brought to you by the letter L and the number five. And they'd be playing that harmonica.

Remember that the outro music. How the fuck did they use to know how that went? That's mash. I don't fucking know. Well, you should probably ask yourself at this point, what is audible.com? It's basically, it's for people who like to read books, but don't like to read. You know, you ever get sick of your eye going from left to right, left to right or your eyes.

If you're not wearing a patch, you know, people, do you want to read a book but like don't want to read it? Wouldn't it be nice if it, you know, if you had someone who could just read it for you, go to audiblepodcast.com slash bill and you can any book you want. I'm a big Irvin Welsh fan. The asset house. I like that one. You know, you could read that one if you wanted or not really.

And then you go to a party and say you read it. You know, it's kind of like fake credentials, except in like a book sense, audiblepodcast.com slash bill for your free audio book download. Come on, when you're driving to work, just have them read all the classics to you and then you'll actually seem like you're well read and you're not. It's perfect. You don't need to read a map anymore. You just have that broad in your car going, make a laugh in seven seconds.

Right. Now you can just have some guy reading the book. Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, they live these people, you fucking nerd. Um, all right, this is the Monday morning podcast for your people. This was a brutal, brutal, brutal, not funny fucking week in the world. You know, as opposed to what bill all the happy go lucky, you know, weeks in the world. You know what I'm talking about. Very tragic, tragic fucking week.

And today I woke, I woke up to more tragedy or the ending of our tragedy. Paul Verzi, VIRZI for you people trying to find him on Twitter. Verzi, VIRZI. Dude, I called it what I say. Um, he called me up. He texted me. He goes, dude, you watching, you watching this? They're cleaning house, epic cleaning house.

And I thought he was talking about the Red Sox. You know what I mean? Which by the way, I'm in Boston right now and I don't understand why the fuck everybody's so down on the Red Sox. They're 48 and 48. They're 500. They're three and a half games out of second place. Who gives a fuck?

You know, it's the ebb and flow of life. They want two world series. Now they're going through a low point. You know, why are you acting like in your own life? You make the playoffs every year. You hold up the championship, you know, and they ask you, you know, hey, what's it? Uh, you know, what's it like to be a championship? What do you got to say about finally winning the championship?

And then you go, it's about their time. That might have been the worst just winning a championship quote ever LeBron James James brought you kick James. You finally will. It's about their time. Well, why didn't you just go, you know, I just want to thank my teammates and the fans for being supportive. I'm, you know, it's just, it's an unbelievable words.

You can't put it into words. Just something like that. So it's about their time. You know, I don't know. His stupid fucking agents probably going to try to trademark that and just start having him say that in every stupid commercial, you know, advertising toasters toast pops up. It's about damn time. Um, cut LeBron, you know, when you're saying it's about damn time, it seems like you're

saying that the toaster takes too long to toast the bread. You know, okay. No, I'm not saying that he has. I wasn't aware. I couldn't talk to him. I'm sorry. Who are you? White guy in a suit.

Okay. All right. Okay. We'll fix it in the editing. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. It's just a brutal fucking brutal fucking day, brutal fucking week. Not a lot of funny shit.

Where the fuck is my phone buzzing right now? Hang on a second. Fuck that phone. Fuck that phone in his ass. You know what? Speaking of just brutal, you know, I had one of the worst nightmares I've had in forever. Last night. All right.

I'm laying in a hotel room here and right now you should be asking yourself, Bill, it's Monday. Are you home or you're flying back from some God forsaken place? Why are you on the road? Why are you in Boston? You want vacation? Do it? What are you doing?

You taking a booze cruise? I am actually, I booked some acting work, to be honest with you. I'm shooting a pilot out here. They are redoing the kids show zoom from back in the day. They're going to do a reboot and I booked the gig. You know, I'd like to think it was because of my acting ability, but I think it was because I remembered the jingle from way back in the day, right? Zoom Z double OM box three five oh Boston mass.

Oh, two, one, three, four. Send it to zoom. And I pointed right at the cast director. Right. Casting director. Send it to zoom. And I on zoom, I took it out. Right.

Like a fucking gun. And they were just like, wow, this kid's got the fire. We got to hire him. Get him in a striped shirt. Anybody used to watch that so zoom. I think it was a very like local Boston show where it was just these burnout fucking kids. You ever seen a kid like five years old and he already looks like he's got a coke problem. That's what like zoom was and they're doing a reboot.

They're rebooting it up. You know, I had an idea to do a prequel to my, my, my, I have three standup specials. I got one more coming out in October. Right. So I got three, you know, so that would be my Star Wars empire. Strikes back and fucking return to the Jedi. So now I should do like a prequel. Okay.

I should fucking grow my hair out what's left of it and get like a fucking red wig to put on top. Have like a Gabe Kaplan afro and just go out there and do like topical humor from like, I don't know, 1982. You know, go out there. Well, doing some bad Ronald Reagan impression and I figured, you know what, that'd be funny for about 20 seconds. Then what do you do for the other fucking 59 minutes, 40 seconds? And there, there goes that thing. You know what, I should just do a trailer, a prequel. Jesus, who gives a fuck?

Anyways, anyways, it's just, just been a brutal week. So I turn on the TV to see what Verzi's talking about, what he was talking about. And it's, no, wait, let me get back to the Red Sox here before I get into that shit. I'm all right with the Red Sox sucking. I actually like them more now that they're not doing well. You know, this is when, this is when you see who the real fans are and who aren't. There's people like, dude, fuck the fucking Red Sox, dude. Those guys, bandwagon, bandwagon.

You bought your first hat after game seven of 2004. Oh, maybe game five. You know, you fucking break with your green monster tickets, you cunt. Sit down in the bleachers like the rest of us in those fucking awful blue seats. I remember I used to go to games, right? There'd be nobody fucking there, just baseball fans before ESPN ruined it. And just so inundated. Oh, maybe it's, we just like out fucked our stadiums.

I don't know what it is. There's so many goddamn people now. I remember back in the day, you'd go to a game, you know, just having a good fucking time. And there'd always be some guy and he'd have, there'd be an empty seat on either side of them. And that's how we get that, you know, you know, let's go socks. Then going, he would just slam both chairs down, you know, the, the, the, because they're fold up chairs. Right. That Jesus built.

Can you paint a better picture here? You're losing us. You'd be slamming both of them down and everybody be hammered. And, you know, there'd be maybe five people there who had like some sort of like Red Sox, actual Jersey. On other than that, you had a hat. You just fucking Jesus, they're counting down something out there. I'm near the water and near the water fucking coast guard. Yeah, like you'd have a Red Sox hat.

That was it. And you had the piece of shit one, the one size fits all. You didn't have like the same one that Clemens was wearing. And, you know, and now you go to the goddamn games. It's like people that they're fucking wearing the whole damn thing. Everybody's walking around. They look like managers. You know, like bullpen, like there's like they should be in the bullpen.

So I like it. I like that they suck. I like that they're trailing off. I like that I'm starting to see some empty seats. It's bringing me back. You know, they could just stop singing that fucking song during the seventh inning stretch. And if they could just get rid of that stupid fucking mascot. All right.

I understand while you're doing it for a marketing reason. I totally get that to try to get kids hooked into the game. Why don't you, you know, you know, I got into the game. I went to the game and I enjoyed fucking watching the game. That's it. I went there and I was sold the second I walked in there. I didn't need some big fucking muppet coming up to me in some creepy way. And but it's like, you know, you cut its tongue out so it can't talk to me.

I fucking hate that about mascots. I hate how they won't talk to you when you go, Hey, what's up, man? And then they do that real fucking hyper nod. It's like, I know there's a guy in there. You idiot. There's no fucking kids around. You can't give me a mail. What's going on?

It's fucking hot as fucking here. All right, man. Oh, here comes some kids. I got to shut up. You know, can't do that. I mean, how much are they really paying you a game? All right. So anyways, Verzi was talking about, uh, he was talking about Penn State, like all those

sanctions against Penn State, dude, it's fucking brutal. Like I don't, I don't think that the, the punishment is in the right area. I don't get it. Why are you punishing the players in the fans? You're acting like they look the, why do the wins don't count from 2000 from 1998 to 2011? Why don't those games count? He won those fucking games. You know what I mean?

That would be like if, if fucking, I don't know if Mark Sanchez gets arrested for drinking and driving, right? Does his, you know, if they beat the, the dolphins the week before, does it not count? What the fuck does drinking and driving have to do with whether, you know, you beat the dolphins or not? I don't, I don't get that. Like, so now all these players that played for Penn State who now sit around, probably together every couple of years for a reunion.

Remember that time we played Clemson, you know, sitting there with a cigar and scarred up knees. They want to tell war story. Oh yeah, that doesn't count anymore. Why? Because somebody fucked a kid. I didn't. You didn't.

Nobody played the game. Did nobody did. You know, like it happened during the game and they played the game around the crime. I mean, it's a fucking horrible crime, but I, I think what they're trying to do is just erase Joe Paterno's name off of any all time list. They don't want his name up there. You know what I mean? And I don't know.

I just don't think it's, it's, uh, I don't think that that's right. I think that those victories should count. He fucking won those games. That doesn't make any sense. What the fuck is going out there on outside? You know what? Right out the window. They got a couple of Coast Guard things.

That's probably some fucking idiots. Went out on a goddamn dingy every year. Some stupid fucking kids do that. Right. And they had the stupid, uh, memorial. Little Stevie Sharipa and, uh, Mike, uh, Merkin wits. You know, they always got to do that shit and just have some sort of like, uh, whenever there's a tragedy, you got to have some sort of like metaphor.

You know, water is, uh, it's the liquid of life. When Stevie Sharipa and Mike Merkin wits went out on their dingy, uh, they didn't realize that, uh, life nectar could also be, uh, I've really talked myself in the corner here, haven't I? Oh, they fucking drowned. And, uh, we found the raft. That would be the worst doing that. I don't know, dude, it's just been a brutal fucking week.

I feel bad for Penn State players. I feel bad for their fans because I feel like they get punished too and they didn't do a fucking thing. Okay. It's a great fucking football program and it's fucking, I can't even wrap my head around that Joe Paterno was involved in that. I mean, this is the biggest sports mind fuck since OJ Simpson. You got to understand OJ to me was, you know, it was the juice 2000 yards in a 14 game season.

Um, those Hertz rental car commercials, Monday night football, I even watched his bad movies like when he played that astronaut and didn't make it to the moon and then they tried to kill him. You know, and the two white astronauts coast, they killed OJ because that's how it always worked back then. If you watch any Def Jam comedy, they'll let you know the black guy always died in those movies right through the naked gun. And then out of nowhere, he's on trial for a fucking double murder and he's got to look

on his face like, yes, I did this shit. How do I get out of this? Um, this is the biggest, I think mine for as far as like who you thought somebody was and then what the fuck they were involved in. It's just brutal and there's nothing funny about it. So let's move on. Let's fucking move on. Um, all right, let's continue with the sports.

Um, as of right now Dwight Howard isn't a Laker, but if Dwight Howard goes to the Lakers, you know, and Kobe wins his sixth championship, I am not going to engage in that argument that he's now equaled Michael Jordan. Anybody who comes up to me, as you come out of your mouth, I'm going to kick you right in the balls. All right. Look, you know, there's this steroid error in baseball. There has to be the pile on error.

You got to put that in there. Okay. Michael Jordan won six championships with Bill Cartwright and Luke Longley as his fucking centers. How long do you think Kobe Bryant would tolerate that before he demanded a trade? Okay. This guy won three championships with Shaquille. He got Shaquille O'Neal and Phil Jackson.

He got them brought to his team and I know what you're thinking. Well, Michael Jordan had Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson was nobody. He became a legend coaching Michael Jordan. Okay. And I'm not taking anything away from this guy, but when the bulls got him, it wasn't like, oh, they got Phil Jackson. This guy knows how to win.

He was nobody. He was an ex-nick who won it in 73 as a player. That was it. He came in with his Hey, man, fucking Afro and mustache. That was it. Okay. And Chicago was rebuilding. Oh, they had Scotty Pippen.

He came from their system. All right. They signed Dennis Rodman. One fucking guy. Okay. They won with fucking Bill Cartwright, Luke Longley, BJ Armstrong, that Mormon with the blonde hair. Okay.

Before Jordan came along, it was considered impossible to win without a fucking big name center. You had to get a big name center. You had to. Okay. The guy totally changed the fucking game. And I'm so sick of these fucking bean counters who go, well, he has six championships and he has five.

Therefore, if he gets one more championship, it is the same thing. It's like all these people who watched, uh, whoever the fuck it was, break Dan Marino's passing record. They don't even look at the fact of, of all the passing rules changes. I mean, they say that hitting the curve balls, the toughest thing in sports. I think at this point, covering a receiver is because you've basically essentially made it illegal past five yards down the fucking field. Oh, Jesus.

He's on his soapbox. He's on his soapbox. All right. So now if Dwight Howard goes to the fucking Lakers, it's just like, I don't get, I tweeted about this. Like the amount of shit that the Miami heat got for having a pile on championship. Kobe Bryant has been part of a pile on fucking team from about 1999 on. That's all I'm saying.

Okay. And I know what you're thinking, well, Boston did it in 2008. Yes, they did. That was a pile on championship team. I don't look at that team like that's like the 86 Celtics or the 84 team. I don't. Okay. I, I wasn't a fan of what went, what happened there either, you know, but doing it with

it once versus doing it every year for 15 fucking years. You mean, you know, you're making a pile on team when like the NBA steps in and blocks a fucking trade, you know, when even they're sitting there going like, all right, guys, this is getting a little fucking ridiculous. Don't you think you know what I mean? I'll get a ton of shit for that too. All right. Let's just, let's just get it.

Let's just read Christ. I'm all over the goddamn map here. Let's just read something. Advice here. Advice, uh, 37 and at the end of the love road, Jesus Christ. I thought we were going to pull out of the fucking dirt here. Hey, Bill, I'm 37 years old and I've never had sex with a woman I've been in love with. Oh, I thought you were saying you never had sex.

I was just going to be like, all right, dude, that's a wrap. That dream is over. I'll just go out and get yourself a hooker. All right. And like the thickest fucking condom ever. Um, anyways, I'm 37 years old and I've never had sex with the woman. Don't you hate on these fucking max when just some application just keeps, what, why is it just keep bouncing up and down?

I see you. It's like the fucking nerd in the back of the class. Oh, I know the answer. I know the answer. Um, I'm 37 years old and I've never had a, I've never had sex with a woman I've been in love with or liked strongly. I've fallen in love with many beautiful young women over my long run, but my deduction is that I become a total social retard with those chemicals.

When those chemicals are coursing through me by chase a girl, by chase a girl, she's turned off when I'm indifferent. I do all right. That basically means you're coming on too strong dude. It's like a burner turned down the gas a little, you know, are you showing up with like fucking flowers and candy with your hair parted down the middle. The first fucking day. Yeah.

You're going to freak her out. Um, anyways, when I'm indifferent, I do all right. I've kicked a number of women out of my bed and life after they've made the smallest infraction. One girl had the greatest sense of humor and had a perfect athletic body. I threw, I threw her out one night because she was eating chicken wings in my bed only because I didn't have that. Um, what? Only because I didn't have that emotion that made me want to chase her down or keep her.

Otherwise, I think she was great. You broke up with a girl cause he was eating chicken wings in bed. That was your locked the door test. Um, of course now I get that love feeling less and less frequently as I get older and my failure to grow mature with the woman over the years has given me an Anthony kumia complex. I only want young fit chicks. But now after years of living with a void in my social life and being daily devoted to girls of the internet, I finally fell for another real girl, a young professional trainer

who joined my beach volleyball team. I'll fuck you with your hot ass. Oh Jesus, look at this fucking guy. He probably looks like a fucking James Bond. The other chick on our team tried to convince me that this new girl was interested in me. Oh yeah, all these chicks trying to help you out. What if she was blowing you? The new girl was showing signs of flirtation, but when I made a move, she fell silent.

I am an old man. My question to you is since handguns are illegal and very hard to find outside of the urban areas of my country of Canada. Should I get a slingshot and shoot myself over and over in the head with acorns until I'm dead or at least until I am particularly, I am less particular about what kind of vagina falls onto my cock. Um, yeah, dude, you got, you got to, you got to make a pick here. You're 37 years old.

You're drafting in the later rounds. You're still trying to pick up a blue chip. It ain't there. I don't know what to tell you. You can take a risk on one, but, you know, I think, uh, yeah, I think you got to look at the douchey qualities of yourself and realize that they're putting up with you and whatever the fuck it is that you do, you know, um, you're only 37 years old. Fortunately, that's still young back in the day.

You know, Ben Franklin's day, you'd look like you were 106 and it would be over and you'd have fucking tuberculosis, you know, wheezing that you never fucking found love. So you're fine. You're playing volleyball. You just sound like an in shape guy who keeps banging all these hotties, but woe is me. Can't find love. You know what? Go fuck yourself in your awesome life.

Huh? You can't find love and you're all fucking. You just, oh, I just keep fucking one personal 22 year old personal trainer after another. This is a problem. Look, if you want to find love, I, I would, uh, I would stay single until you found it. You know, I think you like women just being infatuated with you and playing with your hair and telling you how amazing you are as you're going, no, no, no, no, no, and then he keeps saying, yeah, look at you.

You're not that old. You still have four abs. Right. I think you like all of that. I think you like that fucking attention. I saw a guy like that this weekend, right? He's hanging out with the lovely Nia. We went to this Mexican restaurant and this guy shows up, right?

Dressed like Arnold Schwarzenegger and when he lost a little bit of weight and he was promoting terminator two on our Cineo hall and he came out in that leather ensemble. That's how the guy was dressed and he comes in with this absolutely fucking smoking. I don't know, Brazilian Armenian, Iranian. I don't know what the fuck she was fucking smoking hot chick with like this lime green. I don't even know what I can do with the fuck she was wearing it like, you know, showed like her fucking flat stomach, her fucking round ass. Yeah, I was checking.

I think it's one of those girls you can check out right in front of your girlfriend and she doesn't give a shit. You know, she's like checking around to like, ah, damn, that bitch is hot. So the bartender cards the guy, which he absolutely loves because he thinks it means that he thinks that he's fucking 21, you know, the guy looked like he was 50 and he just goes, he's like, my friend, he goes, how old do you think I am? He has this big, cheesy date rape smile with his awful fucking beard and he's just like, how old do you think I am?

Right. And the guy goes, I don't know, 35, right. And then Nia goes like fucking like, you know, like goes, makes this gesture of like way higher way. I fucking burst it out laughing, but I don't think the guy saw it because he was so full of him. Like he actually didn't realize that this kid was just working for his tip. It's like, dude, you look like you're 50 and he goes, I'm, I'm, he's like, I am 48.

You seem like one of those guys, like you're out there hooking up with them. So I would say stop being such a self-involved douchebag and realize that you have false yourself. Get over yourself. All right. You're actually starting to, because you're really, because you're starting to slip into those, uh, I'm not going, you know, you're in your David Hasselhoff years. Who's kidding?

Who? But, you know, if you're going to be in those years and you haven't found love, you're doing it the best way ever, banging personal trainers and, uh, volleyball players. Um, anyways, that's, that's the picture that you, you painted yourself. You could be a tub of shit because you are playing volleyball in Canada. I mean, I don't know how many weeks a year you can do that up there. I can't tell if this is like the picture that you painted is who you really are, or if you're in even bigger psycho and you actually don't look like that, but that's how you picture

yourself. Um, yeah, I would, my advice would be get over yourself and realize that, um, you know, I don't, I'm talking myself into circles. I have no fucking idea. Oh, do you know I ruined a woman's day at the mall? I just remember that this woman in a wheelchair, I ruined a woman, an old woman in a wheelchair 's day at the mall and it's been killing me for like the last two days is what happened. Me and the, we will leave in the mall, the mall, okay.

And we wait for the elevator to open the elevator opens and all you see is this beautiful babies. That's the first thing you see when the doors open is this baby laying in a, in a stroller looking up big blue eyes, one of those Gerber looking babies, right? And me and me and both go, Oh, the second we see it, we're like, how are you doing? You know, talking like baby talk to it and saying to the mother, how good looking the kid is and all that type of shit. And with Goo Goo Gaga and about the fucking baby and she gets off the doors open when the doors open.

The first thing we see is this old lady in a wheelchair being pushed by some lady and you know, they back up and the woman with the baby, uh, gets off the elevator and then the woman starts pushing the old lady in to the elevator and she's goes, just going up. Is it going up? Is it going down? And it's one of those things. There's like tension because the doors are starting to close. So even though I keep saying it's going down, the lady's not hearing me because all she's

focusing on is the door. She says, it's going out. Is it going up? It's going down. It's going. And I finally go, it's going down like I yelled over the fucking old lady's head. So the old lady looks up, she just goes, Oh, okay, thank you. And I totally knew in that moment that she was just like, you were talking to her like

I wasn't even here. You didn't even acknowledge that I was here. And I realized it in that moment and I don't know why. I think it was because I was talking to a baby. I was still, I saw, and she was like fragile too. My brain went back to talking to the baby and I just looked at her and I went, as the doors were closing, I was going, okay, bye, bye. I said it just like that.

And I waved to her like she was a baby. I don't know why I did it. And then the doors closed and I immediately, immediately looked down at the floor in shame and Nia was one of the hardest I ever heard her laugh. She just turned around and faced the back of the elevator and was laughing to the point. She couldn't even like get the words out to ask me why I just did that. She kept just going like, like she just kept getting out the Y part and I just kept going. I don't know.

I don't know why I just did that. I stuck my hand out right in her face. You know, you waved to a baby. I did that. I went, okay, bye, bye. The doors closed and I know she was probably thinking either I was mocking her or that I felt that she wasn't mentally there anymore and I knew that she wasn't. I just feel like shit and the reality is, is I could have ridden the elevator back up

and tried to explain myself, but I didn't. I just walked in shame to my Prius. Um, yeah, it was just a fucking weird week. The whole fucking week was just weird. I had one of the worst nightmares I've ever had in my life last night. I was, I'm laying in bed. It's one of those dreams where there's something trying to get me, but it's like, it's like sort of like a force is trying to get me.

I know it's going to get me and I can't fight it or get away from it. I'm just like, even like the dream, I'm like laying in bed. And I can't fucking move. And then in the end, all of a sudden this fucking woman appears like just kind of like like a ghost, but it looks like a person, right? And I have my hands clasped together and she's like, she had like fucking like reddish hair, but like, you know, when hot chicks dye their hair red, they're not real red heads like that.

Like almost like a fucking, I don't know, like a page boy kind of haircut. She's like a rocker chick. She had tattoos and like this tank top on nice titties. And I'm sitting there and I had my hands clasped and she clasped her hands around my hands and she looked me right in the eye and goes, you're going to kill yourself one day. And then she just disappeared and it fucking freaked me out. Obviously she goes, you're going to kill yourself one day with this look on her face like either she knew or she definitely knew and that she had killed herself and I was going to join

her wherever the fuck she is in the afterlife. And I was so fucking scared it actually woke me up and I wouldn't open my eyes because I was afraid that she was going to be standing there waiting to class my fucking hands again. How freaky is that? Now let me ask you this because, you know, I think about killing myself, but I do it in a very mainstream fucking way. Like, you know, okay, bye-bye when the door's closed. I wanted to kill myself.

I wanted the elevator to land on me, but I don't really want to kill myself. So what the fuck does that dream mean? Anybody wants to deal with what I'm going to do? And I don't believe in ghosts either. I think the reason why I had that dream was because last night I turned out all the lights and I got a little freaked out because my room right is right near the water and it was this really weird reflection and I had some weird shadows and stuff. So what I always do when I get freaked out like that is this is the stupidest thing ever

is I give the finger to the shadow. That's what I do. Something I learned when I was a kid because if it is a monster, it's not going to put up with that, right? It's immediately going to come over and do something to me. So if I give it the finger and it doesn't do anything that when I was a kid, it just let me know that it wasn't a monster or that it was a fucking pussy and it didn't have it in it, you know, it didn't have that killer instinct and it was just going to just stay

over there in the corner, which I was fine with, you know, you can spend the night just don't come over and kill me. That was basically it. So I did that. I still do it to this day and I do it. It kind of is a joke and it makes me laugh. And for some reason I was thinking about that chick in the ring just with their fucking hair popping up and doing something to me.

Never do that. You just mind fuck yourself. And I was like, all right, I have 10 seconds to get into the bed or that chick from the ring is going to appear and fucking kill me, you know. So I got myself in this anxious state, I think before I went to sleep and then I ended up having this goddamn nightmare and she fucking class both my hands and goes, you can, you're going to kill yourself one day and I just sat there laying there. I'm not going to kill myself.

Don't open your eyes. That freak you out. Well, what gives a fuck? It's been a weird fucking week. You know that awful tragedy out there in Colorado, you know, I was driving in my truck. All I have is fucking AM radio and so all I could eat, you know, and that's all they were talking about on talk radio and I'm one of those guys. Once I see it, it's fucking horrific.

I know I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't want to know the kid's name and know what his face looks like just in case he's trying to get famous. I just, you know, it's just fucking awful, right? But all I could listen to on the radio, that's all they were talking about and these fucking people calling in. It's just saying the same fucking thing over and over again. It's like, who doesn't know that it's terrible?

Who doesn't know that it's not a tragedy? Who isn't going to send prayers out to the fucking family? Why do they got to keep calling up this fucking guy calling up, you know, I believe in a habit. I believe in a hell and this guy, he's, he's, you know, if I was running things, he would definitely shot that we got it the fuck you calling up for. I don't know. It just fucking, it became annoying after a while and, and then the talk show host just wanting to keep it going.

There was like no other way to say it was a tragedy and he just kept piling up as a, it's bad for families, it's bad for, it's bad for the nation and the freedoms that we, we give people and then the NRA always has to immediately pile on after somebody uses a gun. Like this doesn't mean the gun did it, gun didn't do it, the person did it, just, just letting you know, just in case you thought an inanimate object could somehow do shit on its own, you know, and then they always come up with the brilliant. What if everybody had it was allowed to have a gun, then that wouldn't have happened.

Yeah, I think that that guy would have killed less people, but I think a lot more other people would have got killed getting shot in the back of the fucking head as people tried to shoot that person. Right? I'm not against guns, by the way, but like, you know, look, everybody can have a driver's license. How many people really are good at driving? You know what I mean?

How many people are good at sports? How many people have good hand-eye coordination? You want these fucking people with guns and all of a sudden somebody starts squeezing off some rounds and those motherfuckers are between you and the guy shooting at you and you're not organized at all. You know, when like 10 cops go in and storm a house, they know where the fuck they're at for a reason so they don't shoot each other in the back. If you've got a bunch of people in a goddamn movie with fucking glocks and somebody comes

in and starts shooting, I mean, it's going to be a fucking, it's going to be even worse. I think what they should do is there's got to be two, two, two levels you have to pass to get a gun, okay? Aside from not being a psycho, you should, when you get a gun, you should then have to become a fucking marksman, all right? And if you're not a marksman, then it affects the caliber of gun that you get. This actually makes a lot of sense, all right? It's like taking the driver's test.

You can't go there blind as a bat and they just give you a fucking goddamn car. Like go fuck yourself, go down to Pearl Vision and get your game together. They should do the same thing with guns, okay? I want to get a gun license. Well, God bless America. You can have one. Go over to the gun range and go shoot at that silhouette over there, right? You know, if you only hit it once, you get a BB gun or maybe one of those little toy

guns that shoots the plastic things. You could still put somebody's eye out though with it, you know? But if you actually go down there and you're a fucking goddamn maniac, right? Psycho fucking, you know, just everything's a headshot or center mass. Then you get the Glock, right? Does that make sense? And you just have the safe word. Just something the guy yells when would shit like that and everybody hits the fucking deck

and this guy gets up and just puts two right in the fucking psycho's head and it's over. As opposed to just letting everybody just start fucking shooting. Would that make sense? Oh, if everybody just thought the way I did, the world would be just as fucked up. All right, anyways, but what kind of people have to fucking call up during a tragedy and you just have to call up and you just have to reiterate that it was a fucking tragedy. You have to call up and say that I think this guy's going to hell. Like who doesn't think that?

You know, fucking idiots watching this fucking politicians stammering through, you know, family is the love that but yes, we got it. It's fucking horrible. Just get on with punishing this guy. Go hang that guy by his fucking toes. They won't. They're going to go through some big nine fucking year of trial with this guy. And then they try to like they try to blame guns, so they try to blame the fucking movie

and just like he's out of his fucking guarantee before you waste all this money doing all of these studies. This guy is out of his fucking mind. Who the fuck are going to do something like that? Now now I'm doing see what I'm doing right now. I'm doing what these collars are doing. All right, let's plow ahead here. How the fuck is it 38 minutes in?

This is the tragic Monday morning, but we're just going to talk about tragedies one after another. I'll try to somehow find something mildly amusing and all of this shit. All right. Advertisement number two gamefly.com everybody. Gamefly offers over 8000 video games. You can send the discs in the mail to you and you can send it back when you're done playing the games.

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Number three, amazon.com. You guys know the deal. All right. If you go to amazon.com, just stop by my podcast page first, click on the Amazon banner. You don't have to do anything after that. If you buy something, they kick a percentage back to me. Doesn't cost anything extra to you. And then I kick 10% to the wounded warriors project.

I've actually just been kind of kicking 10% of what I'm making on the podcast to it. And it's been great. Even though now I'm on some fucking, you know, junk email list, I think, you know, the second you give any money to anything, then all of a sudden they're just like, we got a lab one. Next thing you know, you're getting shit in the mail about penguins. You care about this too? Anybody?

Um, all right. So plowing ahead, plowing ahead. Next, uh, advice buddies X. What's up billy boy? I need a little unlicensed of that unlicensed advice that you've been doling out. I like that this guy said that this is my unlicensed advice that you should not listen to because, uh, I do not have a degree in anything. All right.

I am about two shades below doctor, Dr. Phil. That's how bad I am at this. Okay. That wasn't pumping me up. That was dragging him down. Uh, my friend recently broke up with a girl. He's been dating for a while and wouldn't, and when you know it, this girl is the tits. I've been friendly with this guy for almost a year and his girls was always with us when

we hung out. Oh Jesus. All right. I can tell you right now. I'm glad and banger and say goodbye to your friendship. Um, from the moment I met her, I've liked her and wanted to banger, uh, wait, but you just want to fuck her. Uh, dude, this is dirty.

This is dirty. She's the kind of girl I imagine when I think of a girl I would want to have a relationship with. Go fuck yourself. You said you wanted to banger first. You like some sadistic guy who just wants to, uh, fuck this girl and fuck her better than your friend. So you can just be behind her going, yeah, you like that bitch, huh?

You like that? You want to those guys? He's trying to paint a good picture here, but I'm not buying it classy, attractive, funny, the whole shebang. Dude, right off the bat. The first thing you said was you wanted to banger. I don't know. You're trying to be funny.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's plow ahead. Uh, I've even developed feelings. Feelings question mark. I know that's gay. Fuck you. Uh, for her, see how guys, we just can't, we just, we're not allowed. I actually liked this girl.

I actually feel like I could spend, I can't even say that without having that. Oh my God. Fucking tone in my voice. Um, let me see if I can just say it how I say it. I really liked this girl. I think I could spend my life with her. Okay. That just sounded like a bad read.

There's no way to say it without being like, I don't just feel like I just really connect with her. I go fuck yourselves. Uh, I've even developed feelings for her quickly. I liked hanging out with her whenever she tagged along. I never flirted with her or anything like that, but I did rubber muff under the table. Come on dude. You're leaving some shit out.

He didn't say that last part, but come on. But we did get along pretty well. I would and still do think about her all the time. Some real grade school crush type shit. Now they've broken up and she's single and ready presumably to do some revenge banging. Yeah, dude, you're a piece of shit, but God bless you. She was hot enough. I probably do it.

No, I wouldn't. My younger days, I would. I wouldn't. Maybe I would. I don't know. I'm not going to judge you. Anyways, see where I'm going with this. Yeah, I saw where you were going with it from the second I started reading it.

Anyway, unlike most guys, I don't want to just bang this broad. I want, I want to be with her, do the whole boyfriend thing. But I know doing so would break one of the most important rules of male friendship. Never fuck your friend's girl. However, the power of pussy has me thinking that's crazy and that the best and that's the best thing for me to do. However, the power of pussy has me thinking that's crazy and that the best thing for me to do is wait four to six months until things settle down and see if she feels the same

way that I do. I'm not sure if she will, but I'm willing to try and find out despite the ramifications. What do I do, Bill? Should I go after this awesome girl risking my friendship or do I go bros before hoes? Forget her and wait for the next horde du jour or am I just batshit crazy? Ah, Jesus, dude, like I can't figure you out. You're sitting here talking like your Goo Goo Gaga and then you're also just saying like you just kind of want to banger.

All right, this is what I'm going to tell you, okay, rather than just telling you what I'm going to tell you that this is what I'm going to tell you before telling you that thus eating up more time in this horrific podcast. This is the sad thing about getting older, okay, when your friends get older and they get married and they have kids, you barely see them anymore. It sucks. Okay. And if they have some, if they married some fucking douchebag who, you know, and they

just gave their balls away in the relationship, you're never going to see them again. But if they actually have a cool life who lets them go out and hang out with the fellas, you're still only going to see each other once in a while. You got to raise kids. So in the long run, if you feel like this girl might be the one, you got to do it. You can't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. But if this is just some sadistic shit where it was, you just wanted to banger because she was around, you know, and you saw it like it's just like, dude, I got to tell you, if

you bang that girl and afterwards you're not feeling anything, dude, it's like now she's got something on you and if she's a psycho and if they had a bad breakup, you can better fucking believe like that's like, that's chick's ways of getting back at guys. Like they'll go out and fuck their friends. I mean, just, you want to like hell hath no fury as they say, like a woman scorn. And if it's a bad breakup, like women, they want to throw all your shit out in the front lawn, light it on fire. Okay.

And that's not enough to fucking go after your material things. Okay. That's what they want to do. They want to leave you with anyone go out and go bang all your fucking friends and then let you know about it. So then you lose all your friends. You lose your entire wardrobe. You stand there like a flood victim, just tearing up as it starts to rain.

As you stand on the fucking front porch with some dilapidated fucking three family house, that's how they want to leave you. They're fucking nuts. Some of them. Okay. So you know the deal, dude, you're stepping in shit. You're looking at a field, you know, it's a minefield and you want to walk across it anyways, because there's a woman at the other side of it, which this is a

classic Shakespearean tale about ready to unfold. So, and I can say that having never read Shakespeare, I tried to read it. It's more complicated than the Bible. I, you know, I don't know, dude, I don't, you, you have to, you got to figure out where the fuck you're at with this shit. All right. Do you really like this girl? Do you really think she's the one or was she just around long enough that you just

were thinking about her and you, you know, looking at a tan fucking thighs or a fucking titties or a goddamn mouth or something. You just like, I'd be wondering what it would be like, you know, and you just sat there doing that the whole fucking time. There always is that excitement that all your guy friends have when you break up with a hot girl, because they're all like, Oh God, I always wanted to fuck that girl. Jesus Christ. Right.

And you guys have that conversation with each other. And that's how you fucking talk like a bunch of pirates. You sit there, you hear Mike and Joanne broke up. Can you believe that? Yeah, that's fucking crazy. And then you guys sit there and then there's that half second pause and you both just start laughing because you know, like, dude, we can't, we can't. Oh, geez, I would love to, I would love to.

Yeah, I won't say anything. You don't fucking say anything. It's just, it's fucking brutal. It's brutal. And then the guy's all insecure because this is the bottom line is if, you know, that's why you don't bring your girl around. You don't bring your girl around because you do it enough. Your guy friends are going to want to fuck her, you know, and then she kind of gets

to know them and then did you already do that stupid fucking phone call when you call? Hey, you know, just calling up just to say, I'm sorry, you guys broke up. I thought you guys look great together, blah, blah, blah, blah, and try to catch her in that weak fucking moment. Did you do that? You predator. Ah, we all have. That is a shit storm, sir.

There's no, there's no way out of that. And there's no way you're going to wait six to eight months because if the girl's hot enough in six to eight months, she's already going to have somebody else. And now if you come back around again, it's going to be like her going backwards. So there, see what I did? I just let a candle under your ass to go fucking do it. That gives a shit. Let me know how it works out.

Advice friends, girlfriend is a bitch. Haven't I already given an advice over this thing? I've given this advice a zillion fucking times. I'm a high school senior and in three weeks with me in three weeks, me and my friends are going backpacking through Australia for a month and a half. We've been planning this trip since middle school and I have saved for the past five years because I am paying for my share of the trip myself. We're both psyched to graduate from high school and for this trip.

Dude, I hope you have the most. The only way I would backpack through Australia is if they made thigh high hooker fucking snake boots. They got like some of the deadliest snakes on the planet. They got that tie pan or whatever the fuck it is. They got the, uh, nothing got black mambas out there. Those ones you get bit like in the second it registered that the pain of getting bit you like collapse.

Yeah, fuck all that. All right, dude, we'll have fun with that. This sounds like one of those trips where somebody ends up dying and then somebody goes on trial for possibly murdering the other person and then they get off and then, but there's always that wonderment of what really happened. Whenever Americans go to Australia, somebody dies. Remember that guy who was on the honeymoon and he went scuba diving and his wife got eaten by a shark.

Yeah. Remember that one or something weird or they went deep sea fucking snorkeling. I would tell you right now, if you're a fucking woman and if you're a lady and you're on it and you're going on a honeymoon, if it involves fucking scuba diving, so any, any sort of going out to the ocean, that's it. It's over. Call off the wedding. All right.

Call it off. Nothing good comes from that. He's either going to get drunk and fall overboard or he's going to shut the air valve off. Don't go on a cruise. You know, and if you do, you do not go up on deck unless there's plenty of witnesses around. Fuck that moonlight kissing.

Fuck all that. That's when you go off the back of the boat. She was just, she wanted to reach down and touch the water. I don't know what happened. No body, no nothing. Oh, fuck that. Hey, Billiam, I'm a high school. All right.

So anyways, they're going to Australia. My friend and I have known each other since we were three and our families are very close. He's like, he's like a brother to me and we've often confided in each other and asked each other for relationship advice. However, recently my friend has started dating this girl who has put a huge rift in our relationship. Congratulations.

He's met his first psycho. You guys are only high school age. I don't think this is going to be that big a deal. The girl my friend is dating is a total whore. She's ignorant and jealous and generally has an unattractive personality. They've only been dating for two months, but she feels like she owns him. She found out that my friend and I were going on this trip and has been rude to me ever since.

Yeah, she's insecure. She's young. Um, and she's fucking a lot of guys. It stated, it started with just snipping remarks, elevated over time. Blah, blah, blah. This is just going to be the usual shit. The other night we were all at a party. She got hammered.

She came up to me, started shoving me and told me that my ghetto pussy wasn't going to seduce her boyfriend. What? This comment probably had something to do with the fact that I'm black and her boyfriend is white. Though I was seeing red. I tried not to sucker punch that bitch in the face. Yeah, dude, dude, don't, don't ever do that.

Uh, I've boxed and kick box for the past three years and I'm pretty sure I could have stomped the yard all over. Yeah, dude, what the fuck? Where did that come from? I think the fact that you're a guy, you could pretty much beat up most women. So, which is why you don't do it. You know, it's like running up the score in a college game. Um, I told her to calm down.

I have never done anything with my friend and have no desire and tensions of anything happened in Aussie land. She kept yelling and screaming and making a scene. Eventually. Oh, so she's basically calling you gay in front of all your friends at a party and you're at a high school level. Yeah, that's kind of a, that's a situation. Eventually I just gave up trying to reason with the drunk broad and I left.

Naturally, I told my friend what she said, he agreed. It was absolutely unacceptable and had a talk with her that turned into a fight. My friend's girl gave him an ultimatum, me or her and forbade him from going to Australia. This is absolutely hilarious to me, which it should be. Since their fight, my friend hasn't called or texted me back. What should I do? You know what?

Fuck him. Fuck him. Let him learn the lesson. You know what you do? You go down there with your fucking American accent. All right. And you're going to get more fucking pussy than you could ever shake a goddamn stick, a walking stick act.

All right. To keep it in a hiking sense here. All right. Fuck him. And then you come back and just, you know, let him be with that whore. Wash your fucking hands of it. Okay. You go and invest a lot of time, effort and money into this trip.

I'm not going to have the beginning of my senior year destroyed by some skank-faced control freak, lush, which you shouldn't, but I also don't want to hurt my friend and have, and have him be miserable when we're going to be stuck living, sleeping, traveling together for six weeks. Hey, fuck him. This is the deal. Fuck him. Fuck him.

Okay. He wants to be with that whore. Let him be with that whore. Get on with your fucking life. He wants to go with you to Australia. Let him. If he doesn't, if he wants to stay back there with that psycho, let him, let him, he has to learn this lesson the same way you got to let a toddler fucking slam

his head off the goddamn coffee table to understand gravity or at least putting his little fat baby arms out. You know, you got to, you got to let this dude fall right on his fucking face. All right. Let's hope he's wearing a condom, but he's old enough to know how people get pregnant. So, you know, give me a fucking break. Fuck this shit.

All right. That's it. Fuck him. Wash your hands of it. It's over. All right. You go out, you enjoy your senior year, you go to Australia. He comes, he doesn't.

You don't give a fuck. All right. That's on him. He wants to sit there and invest all his life in some stupid, drunk, skankface, control freak, lush, as you call her, let him. What the fuck do you care? Okay. She fucking embarrassed you.

I mean, you don't do that. You don't do that. I remember one time I was dating this fucking girl and she was so fucking rude to one of my friends and that night I was like, I was beside myself and I was asking her how she could do something like that. And she's just like, she was just like, I'm sorry. I didn't like him. And that was the first time I was just like, is that the most arrogant

fucking thing ever? And I'm not going to lie to you. It took me like another like a week or two, but I, from that second on, I just fucking pulled back and I was just like, you know what? Go fuck yourself because, you know, that's the life you're going to have. You're going to have no, you're going to, all your friends are going to be gone. So fuck her. All right.

Did I say it enough time? Yeah. Fuck her. The lemma. All right. Number one, at their physical peak, would you rather box Layla Ali or Will Smith? Will Smith. There's no winning with Layla Ali.

I either lose to a chick or beat one up. That was easy. I'll fight Will Smith. Worst I can do is lose to an actor, but he used to rap, but he was mainstream rap. Right. What was the ones that he had? What the fuck was that? I know people always talk about that summertime one.

I don't remember how that one went. I was too busy listening to metal. What the fuck did he have back then? Parents just don't, don't understand. That's when like mainstream white people were finally discovering rap. That's what we did. Parents just don't understand. Can't touch this.

The worst of the worst, but go fuck yourself. African Americans. All right. I bet the first white music you listened to was, it was, it was awful, huh? With your hauling oats. Anyways, if, if you were a parent of a boy and a girl, would you rather see your son on to catch a predator? Jesus being nationally exposed as a pedophile or be driving down the street

and see your daughter out on the corner, whoring yourself out as a prostitute. Prostitute, prostitute. Yeah, prostitute. There's nothing worse than fucking a kid. You know, I don't think it's changed the outcome of who won a football game. But that's just me overrated, underrated, underrated. Scabies is underrated. A great reason to launder.

I don't even know what the fuck that means. I don't know what scabies, it would launder what, money? Your clothes? I don't know what you're saying there. Number two, pointing out, did I even pronounce that correctly? Two, pointing out details about a steamy sex story that make it uncomfortable and unsexy. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is this creep? For example, hey baby, remember the other day when I bent you over the dining room chair

and we raw-dogged it and you finished me off on your knees between the cat food dishes in the litter box? Your girlfriend expression will change from sexy to horrified in zero to 60. If you're the woman who's dating that guy, please break up with that fucking reptilian psycho. Is that the podcast for this week? Ah, we're coming up on it. We are coming up on it. Oh, you know what I forgot? I forgot to do the classic stamps.com read.

Hey, everybody. Oh, wait, what am I thinking? I gotta do this other one. Legal Zoom. I forgot about this one. This is a new advertiser. Yeah, they're gonna be pissed. 58 minutes into the podcast.

Is there any way you could read it a little earlier? 58 minutes in. All right, Legal Zoom, everybody. You probably heard about LegalZoom.com. I've probably seen it later on in a bunch of YouTube videos. But now I'm telling you about them, so you gotta check them out. These guys are great, all right? Because I've actually done half the shit that they do here,

and I paid a fucking lawyer to do it. It cost me a zillion dollars. All right. If you basically, are you sitting in a cubicle right now? Are you wondering why you're making somebody else's dream come true? Why you're working towards that when you actually have an idea for a business? You know, well, and you're sitting there going, well, I'd love to get myself incorporated to start my business,

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You want to start your business, you want to be incorporated. That is the cheapest, most efficient way to do it. I wish they were around back when I got incorporated. Could have saved myself hundreds of dollars. So there you go, LegalZoom. What else? Is there anything else I wanted to talk about? I don't think that was.

Stamps.com? Stamps.com, you got that one down by now, huh? If you don't want to go to the post office anymore, and you want to be able to weigh packages and print your own legal stamps off your computer and printer in your own damn apartment at any hour of the day, go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone in the corner, and you get $105 bonus offer, free shipping,

and all that type is our free stamps. You're all over it. Look at me, just saving your money. I got you a way to start your own damn business. Make your last will and testament. Bring the post office into your apartment, 8,000 video games in there, and help out the wounded warriors.

What more do you need? What more do we need, Bill? We'd like one more funny fucking story from you to end the podcast. All right, let's see what I got. Wasn't enough that I said bye-bye to somebody in a wheelchair? Jesus Christ. If I went to church, how many fucking Hail Marys is that?

You know, it's not that I should go to confession and just tell that story. Just to see what the guy says. You know, because I think they just make that stuff up. To our fathers, for Hail Marys. Back there drinking out of a chalice. Who did that first? Those rappers in Atlanta or priests?

Well, I guess hip-hop's only been around since what? Did I just say hip-hop? I think I did since when? When did that actually come about? Was it in the early 70s? Is that what it was? Remember when Run DMC actually said that Walk This Way was the first rap? Remember that?

Why did they say that? You know, did they run out of leather jacket shell toes? Was that was that fund running low when they actually said that? That wasn't the first rap. Why would they say that? Did black people get mad at them when they said that shit? Yeah, it gets a fuck.

You know what, people? I don't think I have anything left. I was actually hoping that the Red Sox were going to be in town tonight because I wanted to head down there even though I'm not drinking. I really want to drink. I ain't going to lie to you people, I really want to drink. I do. I haven't drank in a couple of weeks drying myself out while I get through the kid show

that I'm going to be doing here. You got to be knowing at this point that I'm not doing a fucking kid show as I'm sitting here talking about pedophiles saying bye-bye to somebody in a wheelchair and saying that Joe Paterno's wins should still count. In case you're detective work, you were still questioning whether or not I'm actually going to be hosting some sort of revamp of a kid show. It ain't happening. Actually got another acting gig.

I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right on the old acting gigs things. This is what is perfect. It's the exact fucking reason why I moved out to LA. I just wanted to start getting some parts and some shit, you know? That's all I wanted to do. I don't need to be a star. I just wanted, I just want to be in them.

Just let me shoot a gun, get shot to something. You know, I told you guys my acting, these are my acting goals. I want to do that scene where you run down the alley and you're getting chased by a cop and you get to the chain link fence and you get like three fucking crawls up and they drag you back down. I want to do that. I want to get interrogated. I want to get shot.

I want to get blown away. I want to get killed by a monster. At some point I want to be getting eaten or something. You just be going, no, that's all I want to do. All right. I don't want to do gorillas in the mist. What the fuck are they counting down out there? I think these are like Coast Guard people learning how to be Coast Guard people outside.

Hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. I think it's some sort of Coast Guard training thing out there. Ten, nine, eight. You know, he's knowing your boss and in Boston when they get down to four. Six, five, Foa. Actually, or somebody say, but eight is today. I got breakfast.

You want some potatoes with that? No, I don't. I'm trying to cut down on the cops. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. And, you know, I obviously wasn't, you know,

who gives a fuck? I'm not going to sit there and even try. What am I doing? I just said I wasn't going to apologize for anything. Fucking Penn State's wins should count. All right. Those fucking players played the goddamn games. They blew out their knees.

They risked fucking injury. They won the goddamn games. All right. Just cause some old fuck was doing some shit that he should be burned in the street for. You shouldn't punish those fucking kids. I hope Penn State sells out all their fucking games. You know, learn from SMU. All right.

Everybody just walked the fuck away. You show up in force. That'd be the greatest fucking thing. You know how, how unbelievable if you want to somehow turn this fucking thing around, Penn State fans is if every game over the next four years sells out, even if you lose every fucking game. Okay. There's no other program out there could ever question your loyalty.

That would be the greatest example of fan support. Unlike these, some of these fucking Red Sox fans out here, 48 and 48, they're fucking walking away. You know, see, that's the deal with most fans. They're not real fans. You know, you're like a marriage in sickness and in health. Good times and bad. It doesn't work that way.

The fans, fans basically say, I love you until you suck. And then I'm walking away. I'm going to leave you when you need me most, just like that Kenny Rogers song. Four hungry children cropping up for you. I've had some bad times. We won 48 games and lost 48 games. And now you're leaving you cunts. You know, I'd get the fuck out.

God bless John Lester. I know he doesn't want to lose. I love him. Pedroia when we're fucking down like that. And he's fucking powdered him on the leg trying to get him psyched up. I love that shit. I love that as much as watching him win. All right.

And if you're walking away now, you're a cunt. And as Tom Cruise said in fucking taps, take off that beret, right? Poor Tom Cruise. This fucking lady left him. I like how everybody like comes down on Scientology. You know what I mean? What's the fucking problem with it until they have like a Inquisition.

I really don't think they're anywhere as bad as my fucking religion. You know what I mean? We had like 58 sand duskies running around doing that shit. Did they did was the Catholic church not allowed to go to a bowl game? Did they take away some of Jesus's miracles? They didn't. Those fucking games count. Now I'm screaming in a hotel room.

Those fucking games count. Those kids won those games. Those games count. I did stand up for the Penn State and the lines when they came out. And they did they were playing USC in the Rose Bowl. I did stand up for them. And they they were fucking it was like performing for the troops high and tight. Everybody listening.

I didn't have a great set. Nobody heckled me. They were great. Great bunch of guys. You're going to punish them. Go fuck yourself. All right. This is what I say.

If you take away Penn State's victories, then you have to take away Jesus's miracles. Jesus's miracles didn't count if Penn State's victories don't count. That's what I'm saying. That's my statement. I'm sticking to it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.

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