Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-1-24

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

Bill rambles about the Olympics, hospital food, and 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:55) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 8-1-24 - Bill rambles about Dublin, jet lag, and performing in a tent. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Dhani Harrison - For You Blue

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move and download Monopoly Go. Now free for the App Store and Google Play. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just seeing how your week's going. Ah, jeez. Speaking of how your week's going, a great friend of mine goes out on the road with me. Bianca Cristobal is doing the Edinburgh. However you say it.

Over the locals say it. Over in Scotland, August 1 to August 25, she's going to be performing downstairs at Betty's. over the locals say it over in Scotland, August 1st to August 25th. She's going to be performing downstairs at Betty's 15 Charlotte Lane. Showtime is 4 p.m. That's what it says, says time 16, right? That's military for 4 p.m. You know, it's just go minus two.

It says 18, you go minus two, that's 16 16 you throw out the 1 at 6 o'clock, you know, or you could just say 6 p.m Anyway, she'll be over there with a million other comics. So please go out and support her I'm bill burr and I approve of that message. All right, there you go and with That have you been watching the Olympics? Can I ask you a question? The shorter fucking route is what isn't an Olympic event at this point? I literally watched three on three hoop, which was fun to watch, but I'm like, this is a fucking Olympic event. You know, it's funny three on three hoop fucking half court. It was all white guys. It was like the NBA in the fucking 1960s all over again.

Looked like the 1960 Boston Celtics Midas Bill Russell. It was Croatia versus the United States and You know what I did like about it it was like the old NBA and I don't mean that it was all white I mean that they were actually working the ball inside To the big man. It wasn't just everybody fucking take its rain and threes Hallelujah Yeah, that's why I would say, you know, when people talk about, you know, is somebody one of the greatest of all time, as far as athletes, my thing to be one of the greats of all time,

which means you play it at a high level for a long time, is different than being one of the greatest of all time. One of the greatest of all time, you have to change the game. You have to change the game. You have to change the game. You have to change the game. You have to change the game. You have to change the game. One of the greats of all time, which means you played at a high level for a long time, is different than being one of the greatest of all time.

One of the greatest of all time, you have to change the game. Steph Curry changed the fucking game the same way Jordan did. Jordan came along and he was so good, he didn't need a big man. He didn't need a center. He just fucking, you know, did what he did. And, uh, basically disproving what every basketball coach had set up to that point. So because of watching that on TV, kids were then trying to be him and they weren't, it actually hurt the game for a minute. Everyone was just trying to fucking do it all themselves. Um, because everybody thinks that they can do what they just saw and they just

don't have a game at that level. Steph Curry is another one. Steph, because of Steph Curry, you'll now go to like a fucking basketball game with kids in like middle school and someone will stop just on the other side of the half court line and pull up fully expecting it to go in where before the only people that did shit like that was the Globetrotters against the generals and it wasn't even a real fucking game. So, um, I would, that's my vote for the guy that, uh, during this era changed the game.

So in my lifetime, Dr. J he's the guy, first guy I feel like brought the game above the rim, or at least got the most notoriety. I know David Thompson, some of these other guys were doing the same thing, but he was the best, I think. And then it was Jordan. And then I would say Steph Curry. Now, there's been a bunch of amazing players during that time.

Trying to think who else, obviously my basketball knowledge isn't, uh, I dunno. It's, it's so hard to compare errors. Plus back then you didn't pile on. Untie. I hate when people just go like he has five championships and this guy has six championships. Defender guy has six championships. Defender guy with six championships. Is bad. I don't know. Um, during like the Pylon era, I find that like bizarre.

Um, I actually feel like, you know, other than those Spurs teams, the last team that I really remember playing, like the old school kind of way where you'd fed it to the big man was when Shaq was on the Lakers. That was the last time. But that was also like a ridiculous pile on team. That whole fucking era was just stupid. Let's take the coach of the Bulls, the best guy in the Magic, the guy who wouldn't sign with the Charlotte Hornets and combine them with a bunch of other free agents but you know it makes sense in LA because it's a Nobody seems to be from there in like the Hollywood era area anyway anyway Fuck all of that. It's August 1st everyone. Oh my god can you believe it? Where did the summer,

I usually joke about that, where did the summer go? But this year really is a where did the summer go? I think I was focusing on getting my special done and everything and next thing you know it was the end of June and here we are July just fucking by. And now we're into August. But I've still done a bunch of shit with my kids. I just can't believe that, like, I hate those fucking commercials where like people, they show parents are like excited that their kids are going back to school.

You know, they start fucking having, go back to school sales in July. It's like, don't show the kids. They can't you let them just fucking enjoy that. They got another month to go here. I love when they're on vacation and I don't sign them up for a bunch of fucking activities. They need to chill out. I got a lot of philosophies. I don't know if they're right or not But I also believe you never wake up a sleeping kid unless the house is on fire

Let him fucking sleep that whole bullshit Well, then he's not he is she's not gonna be on aren't gonna be off a schedule whose schedule your fucking schedule Your schedule isn't even your schedule. Your schedule is running on that fucking wheel That that banker can't want you to be on Your schedule isn't even your schedule. Your schedule is running on that fucking wheel that that banker cunt wants you to be on. That's not a natural sleep cycle. That's just some horse shit they came up with. Let the kid fucking sleep.

Why is my voice cracking? I haven't been doing shows lately. Oh, Billy billy rusty balls No, I've been out here working I had a little bit of a gig here and now I'm just taking a few days off with the wife and the family I went to Went to breakfast this morning with With my kiddos. It's just they're fucking hilarious with my kiddos, they're fucking hilarious.

They're just like... And then my daughter is just so patient with my son. My son is, he's a boy, he's a lunatic. Kid is a lunatic. They get those bursts, he gets like these bursts of like testosterone and he just grabs you by your shoulder, your face and he just puts his nose on your nose and just goes like, oh, he doesn't know. He just wants to go pick up a house or something.

Yeah, my my daughter just just deals with them. She just sort of like in a very gentle way, just. Puts her hand on his head and just kind of lightly pushes him or redirects him somewhere else as she continues to look at her book or something. It's inspiring to watch. I'm like, oh, you can just sort of gently do that and that works that way? I don't remember doing that as a kid. When one of my siblings came at me, it just immediately became a fist fight. You know, that's something you don't see anymore.

I used to see that all the time when I was growing up. I would see brothers having fist fights with like their older brother younger brother older sister And all the parents just be like right right y'all get off, you know, is everyone was walking around the New England Aquarium Yeah kids used to just fucking beat the shit out of each other at least that's how I remember it You know getting one quick punch. The older folks be like, look at, oh, he just socked him. He socked him right. He socked him right in the shoulder. Um, it was just a normal occurrence.

Yeah, me and my sibling, we just used to beat the shit out of each other. We all fucked with the dog. You know, teased the shit out of each other. We all fuck with the dog, you know, tease the shit out of that thing That thing fucking bit all of us Was fucking nuts But I'm not gonna lie to you it was fun It was definitely fun. It was a it was a was it you know, you know what the people say they they say It was a different time

people say they say it was a different time. So my daughter confronted me about my cigar smoking. She was like, Dad, I want you to stop smoking. It's not good for you. I was right in the middle of a cigar and I said, all right after this one, I'll stop She's like you should stop now So I go all right, I'm gonna stop so I mean, what am I what am I supposed to say? No, I'm going to keep doing it. I know she's right. So I got coffee.

That's all I got left now. I feel like I don't know. It's like, what do I have to go back? I got to go back to like being a kid. You know, I had a great run. It's like, what do I have to go back? I got to go back to like being a kid? You know, I had a great run. I had like a great 15, 16 year run of just being stone sober the first 16 years of my life. He just, I had zero hangovers.

I never had to wake up and apologize for something I vaguely remember saying I Fuck it, you know, it never smoked anything never drank anything You know and Then what happens then you start trying stuff and then you got to spend the rest of your life trying to quit Whatever the fuck you started. I Was definitely on sugar of your life trying to quit whatever the fuck you started. I was definitely on sugar last night for the first time in forever. My wife talked me into getting a dessert and I had like a panic attack after I ate it. I was like you got in shape now you're gonna fucking do this but I woke up today. I don't have any, any of those, uh, those, uh, cravings, but if, if I did dessert again tonight,

forget it. It'd be fucking eight straight months eating ice cream sandwich every night, every fucking night. You know, like I got my tonsils out something back in the day. Remember that shit? You'd be in the hospital, you get your tonsils out and they would come in one scoop of hospital ice cream. Just the lowest grade. Can you imagine like that's your fucking job? Your fucking job is to go out and find the worst quality fucking restaurant you possibly can to give to children after they got their tonsils out So the hospital can make more money and your boss won't get mad at you That's what kind of kills me about once systems are in place

Is people just go in and they just fill the positions. Because if no one just took the position, be like, I don't want to fucking do that. I don't want to do that to people. I don't want to do that to kids. All right, get them some fucking hagen-das, you cheap cunts. And then you know what they would do? They would just increase the cost

of getting your tonsils out, plus a little bit more, and they would turn that negative into, you know, more money for themselves they're just fucking horrible people um i don't know why i just lately have been going down that fucking road it sort of fascinates me i think that's why i've just been watching all these old fucking movies and shit or maybe i'm just kind of losing my mind. I have no idea. But what I did have was the solitude of going out back and smoking a fucking cigar and now that's over.

Because my daughter hit me with the truth. This was my game plan. Was I only had a few cigars left and I have nothing in my humidor and I was going to finish them on this little break and then that was going to be it. And I would just come home, I would have none in the humidor and then that was gonna be it but then she fucking just got right in my grill those are bad for you I want you to stop okay I'll stop now now I mean what do you say to that it's like all right so I've been sitting around watching the Olympics. Not smoking cigars. And that fucking water polo man is unbelievable.

And they got underwater cameras and I was in this bar having a fucking, what did I have? I had a fake Guinness. It's pretty good actually. The alcohol, I'm? I had a fake Guinness. It's pretty good actually. The alcohol, I'm drinking an alcohol-free Guinness. And I was standing around, you know, waiting for a table. And there was these two women were watching it. I sort of made a comment out loud about it.

And both of them had played and they started telling me fucking stories. How girls would sharpen their nails. You know It would just be clawing at each other underwater Grabbing this the other girls suit giving them a fucking wedgie So I was like well Why wouldn't you just elbow the person in the face like repeatedly and change the color of the water and just take a suspension?

And then just get a rep and they were like nah you didn't need to do that you could just kind of do all this shit underwater it just seems like a real like it's a filthy game filthy game played by gorgeous women i will say that I Watched doubles ping-pong which was fucking insane China verse Korea. I don't know if it's South Korea or North Korea the fucking speed of that game that game and fucking badminton At an Olympic level are absolutely fucking bananas

Like you didn't even know the human body could fucking react that quick. It's like those videos where they show a snake how much how I'm not a snake a cat. When a snake tries to bite it, it can literally put its face right in the snake's face and run as it goes. It just fucking, you know, does the shoulder roll like fucking Mayweather or something, somehow the snake just misses. And I mean completely misses. I like the best is when they pull back and they throw like a fucking sort of a lazy hook

and just swat the fucking snake down. I was never a cat person. The older I get, the more I'm starting to respect them. I don't want to live with them because they don't abide by any sort of rules and I you know having a roommate like that that's that's for your 20s when you're in your 20s college years you know you gotta have one bad roommate to figure out how to set boundaries with another adult and you know what you're not looking for in a fucking roommate. So I learned that in my 20s and it took out an entire I don't know continent of human beings Because so many human beings are fucking slops that I would ever consider having a roommate.

And it also took out cats. You know, dogs I can deal with. You know, they're people pleasers. They shit and piss outside. They stay off the furniture. You know All you got to do is go and they come over You know cats are just you know

They're doing their own thing You know they got that Confirmed bachelor vibe South they're banging anything that fucking. I guess dogs do that too. I don't know. Am I really doing the difference between dogs and cats? Jesus Christ, what is it? Fucking 1983?

Oh, jeez. You know, at some point there is something that I'm going to show you guys. I will make a video of it. Something that somebody gave me was pretty fucking incredible. I got a record, I got an album. Somebody bought me a comedy, I'll just tell you what the fuck it is. Somebody bought me a comedy album. A Richard Pryor comedy album for my birthday.

And it must have been like an estate sale. Like somebody went in and just grabbed all the records and then whatever record store ended up with it did not understand what they had it's a Richard Pryor album it's that one was it something I said and you know, it was wrapped like this, you know, that plastic he put over an album and in the back was stationary from Bob Newhart. And I got this confirmed from people that knew him and said it is his handwriting. And it basically says he's writing to a couple friends of him saying this is the album I was talking about. It's the last whatever track five on side one and track one on side two. The name of the the name of the bit is called Mudbone. I think it transcends comedy

and it goes on to say something else and I was was just like, this is going to, you got to be fucking kidding me. Did these people, they sold the record for like, you know, fucking 10 bucks. I got to make a video of it to just show you guys it. It's, it's, uh, it's insane. Two of the greatest of all time. One of the greatest of all time commenting on the greatest of all time. And, um, one of the things that I think really keeps you young as a person is that when somebody younger than you comes along, you're not threatened by it.

younger than you comes along, you're not threatened by it. You can actually enjoy their talent, enjoy what they do and then be inspired and even say that they're better than you. I mean, I think that that's like, old people that I meet that are like that, that are thrilled for younger people enjoying their lives always You know seem to be living a better life then all of these fucking curmudgeon's I mean I got I got a

Like a lot of nerve talking about fucking curmudgeon's I Just sort of make fun of shit is what I like to do You know as most abusive people that are difficult to be around what you you do is you're fucking I'm not, I'm not, I'm not difficult. I'm just cracking jokes. Oh my God. You know what I watched last night with my lovely wife was Ferris Bueller's day off. I haven't seen it a long time. This is Mr. Peterson. Rooney, listen to me. God damn it. I was watching that thing and I couldn't believe how fucking old I am now that I hated

Matthew Broderick's character. I was looking at him with adult eyes going, look at this fucking asshole. He's got no respect for that fucking Ferrari He's getting his friend in trouble acting like this is some big life lesson the real reality is he's a selfish little cunt Who just wants to drive that fucking car? That's what it is That's what it is and he goes up on the float rules don't apply to me. He doesn't get in trouble He just all of a sudden. He just looked like this like this is like some fucking corporate cunt. That's what he's gonna do. And then after for the first time ever I was like rooting for his sister even though I knew that she wasn't gonna get you know what she wanted was was to get this guy caught. It wasn't a cute little story so as I'm telling you guys to you know root for younger people I was not rooting for

Matthew Broderick's character whatsoever. I think it's the car thing. I didn't have respect for the car. I don't have any problem with the sun kicking it into the fucking woods. I had no problem with that. You know, because that's between him and his dad that that that right there is on his dad but the whole bullshit of taking the car out and You know That kid had no fucking business driving that car. He didn't do the fucking work that it took to get the fucking car He just goes out and takes it out just gets to drive around in the fucking thing

This goofy smile looking in the fucking thing. This goofy smile looking into the fucking camera like he's charming me. Oh, I'm not going to lie to you, he did when I was 16 when the movie came out. You know? And that was funny to me that you would take out an adult's car and go out and go fucking drive it around but now old Billy fucking you know Billy high pants that's what I would call myself when I fucking act my age Oh Billy high pants you know the fucking your belts above your navel well let me tell you something you know much fucking money I got in that goddamn car. Oh, Billy Hyde fans was not appreciating it. And it really

just it fucking. And it's so funny. And he is just such a sweetheart. She goes, No, you know, he's he's the character. He's representing, you know, to look before you leap, go for it in life. He's helping his friend, the data data data. I'm going this kid's a fucking punk, he needs a slap. He needs a, oh man, they should make just a short, okay, of a sequel to that movie. I just want to see the dad going over to his son's house, going over to Ferris Bueller's house, his friends, yeah.

The fuck am I trying to say here? I was already thinking about the movie. I wanna see the dad that owned the Ferrari. All right, cause he's still gonna see the odometer. Not only is he gonna see it in the woods, he's gonna see the odometer and know that they fucking took the car out. Then he's gonna ask him, and at some point

that kid is gonna crack and he's gonna bring up Ferris Bueller's name. That's the sequel I want to see. Is that fucking dude with that rare Ferrari coming walking up the driveway, you know? So the dirty dancing chick finally gets her what she wanted. You know? Why couldn't they just take out like a fucking apparent car? I don't know, but then you also have to look at like how did that guy get that car? You know, he was into his career.

What the fuck was he doing was he the guy deciding what ice cream kids were gonna get what cheap fucking sandy taste and fucking ice cream they were gonna get if they got their tonsils out is that how you get that fucking car that's one of the saddest things I've seen now is all these old cars are like they're getting so fucking expensive. But that's just gonna open the door for something else, I feel. Like, I just think that like random cars

are gonna become like, what somebody's gonna want. And then it's a random car, so who gives a fuck and you can swap an engine out and everything. But like, dude, those fucking muscle cars, you know, there was, you know, they didn't make a lot of these. Like I saw when the other day it was like some fucking, I'm not good with the Hemi shit. One of those challengers, road runner, fucking charger cars. And, uh, it's almost like that,

uh, what's that Camaro one that that guy in in, Pennsylvania I think and it was literally called the something Camaro and it was the guy's last name he owned a dealership and he fucking upgraded the z28 to be like literally like a race car and Thought it became with a wire something They did they did that with like one of these 1971 and every fucking one they go, this is the holy grail of muscle cars. I've heard that fucking title put on like 10 different ones. You know, the fucking Shelby Mustang Cobra Cobra, fucking ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, that fucking Camaro, the Corvette

with the fucking, you know, the three carburetors, numbers matching, da-da-da, all right you corporate cunts. You know, add this to your collection and they all just sit there bidding on the fucking thing. This this um challenger, cuda, fucking roadrunner, whatever the hell it was, went for like three and a half million dollars. You just look at this going like you guys are clearly just washing money. There's no fucking way these cars are worth that amount of money They're just not and now what's happening with the truck thing, you know watching people body off

restoration on a fucking Ford F 250 1977 we're gonna start the bidding at a hundred grand hundred grand for a pickup truck So I'm thinking like if you're gonna want an old truck soon, I mean you're gonna have to get like a fucking Dodge. With Dodge it's hilarious. If you look at Dodge trucks from the 50s right through the 60s, I don't know about anything before that. It was almost like they didn't take them seriously like they didn't think that The truck market was gonna be a big thing like

The grill on all of those Dodge trucks and like the 60s and 50s. It looks like a five-year-old druid It's just like vertical lines radiator two big stupid round eyes, you know like that movie I did Leo, like the Lizards fucking eyes, the headlights, it's the most boring stupid looking thing I've ever seen. The vans are alright. Even then like the Ford, I always don't know is it the equal liner? I don't know what it is. Those ones from the 60s. He's got a cool one I saw in a documentary. I don't know if he still has it, Dave Grohl.

I just thought it was such a badass van. And then it was also made sense like a drummer. Like that would be the perfect, you know, gig vehicle. You could throw all your shit in the back, drive home. I remember when I was a kid, I didn't like those and somewhere along the line, I got older and I was just like, no, I fucking, there was something about those around the headlights, that little tic tac toe like chrome that they had. I just wasn't into it.

It looked a little plain. I think because I was looking at the vans from the 70s, I didn't have an appreciation. And now I look at them, I just think they're the cool. There was one I saw somewhere in LA. This guy had redone it and it was like, it was like almost like that John Bonham green sparkle Ludwig like green. He had like the metal flake, which I found was just pieces of plastic in there.

With I forget what color the interior interior might have been black and he had that knob, you know, remember the knob that the, all the cool guys had put on the steering wheel so they could just just grab onto it and just fucking like almost like your old school coffee grinder except it's on your steering wheel they were illegal but like people would still put them on hey you had like one of those it was just a fucking badass I've seen a couple of really cool vans out here you know those old custom ones from the 70s like the fucking

Guys that would have the waterbed in the back of the van. It was just fucking ridiculous There's actually people doing that they would go on dates They would pull up to pick up chicks and they would have like a custom van You know with literally some sort of expression painted on the outside of it about what an ass you are You know what a fucking asshole boyfriend you are Well the sticker on the fucking dashboard cash ass or grass no one rides for free You might have just said I'm going to fuck your daughter in the back of this in about an hour and 40 minutes, just spray painted on the side of the van.

They were fucking, but before that, you know, I think other than like surfers, I think they pretty much were just used for work before the custom van thing. I remember trying to talk my dad, we all tried to talk my dad, we went to the car show and it was the early 80s and this is when they really started, like they had like captain's chairs in the front and then four, you know, two right behind two behind that. So there was four more and then a bench seat in the back and then they had like three or four vertical windows and they had like cup holders and you could spin around and talk to each other.

And we got in one of those things. We were begging my dad. He goes, Oh, you know, maybe I'll get one of these things. He never did. I was just like, Oh man, let's get rid of this fucking station wagon. Let's upgrade to a van, man. Never happened, you know. And just sitting there like, why am I why my parents lame? Why don't they do cool shit? Because you don't understand how much fucking money it costs.

All right. Anyway, it's August 1st everybody. Let's fucking enjoy 31 more glorious days of summer Before your kids have to go to school. So my rule during the summertime Or I try to do it all the time, but the summertime like I try to do something every single day Alright, so we're gonna go to some fire engine museum today. And that's my deal, you know? And then usually then later on the day I could sit down and have a fucking cigar and feel like, you know, I was involved.

We played baseball. We did this. We rode bikes or whatever. And now it's just going to be looking at me, I'm just subconsciously tapping my my hand against the couch here. It's so stupid, it's such a stupid fuck. All I gotta do is, once I go four days, I'm just like, fine. I don't fucking need him, but then I have to get to four days. All right, I know.

I am as sick of talking about this as you guys are of hearing about this All right one other Olympic event. I saw I don't know how many meters it was But I watched these fucking people do the crawl for 15 straight minutes Like it was one of the sickest athletic events I ever watched It was one of the sickest athletic events I ever watched, where I just kept thinking that this was the last lap and then finally the person goes, you know, this is going to take about 15 minutes to complete. 15 fucking minutes of sprinting except you're swimming. It's just a whole other level of cardio.

But I wonder if they're just in shape for that specific sport. Like if they ran up a flight of stairs because they're using different muscles, would they then get winded? And then how would that feel? Can you imagine that? Running up a flight of stairs after you just won a gold medal

for swimming for 15 straight minutes. No, Bill, I can't imagine that, because it's probably not true because you have no medical background. All right, relax. All right, so that's it. That's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis, and there'll be a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, after the after the music all right I'll see ya because you're sweet and lovely girl I love you because you're sweet and lovely girl it's true I love you more than ever girl I do Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 1st, 2016.

How the hell are you? How's it going? How you doing? I'm in Dublin, Ireland. I had my first couple of shows last night and I was working, believe it or not, I was working outside in a fucking tent. I don't have any of my podcast shit, by the way. If the sound is bad, I apologize. The little mixer that I use every time I come over here, even though I use the adapters and all that, when I plug it in, it just blows up my fucking thing every time. I've lost like two or three mixers doing that.

And then I got smart. So now I just use this little portable fucking thing. But anyways, I... How the fuck is my password? Come on, Bill, you can do it. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, Jesus, I just fucked it up. Oh, fuck you.

I hate computers. I fucking... They just don't make your fucking life easier, do they? You know what makes it easier? Where you're just like, oh, what kind of a fucking turtle is that? You know? That's where they're good. I literally can't talk and do my password at the same time. Mmm. Mmm. Mm, mm, mm. Oh, fuck it. Fuck. I got to hit pause.

All right, I'm back. I got it. Anyways, so I performed in a tent, an un-air-conditioned tent. I flew halfway around the fucking world to perform outside in a tent. So technically I was back inside that was not air conditioned. It was fucking hot as hell. And my first show was like at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. One of the strangest gigs.

It was still a great gig, but it was fucking bizarre. And I told them to close the door to the tent. It was sort of like a structure, one of those ones that you just put up and then they take it down. You're like, hey, where the fuck did that thing come from? And then where the fuck did that thing go? One of those Home Depot specials. So I told them to close the door because it was still

broad daylight out. And just comedy is like, it know, it's a fucking, it's a nighttime dirty sleazy thing. So I had him close the door. And then like an asshole on bitching go, why the fuck is it so hot in here? They had to give me like this giant like beach towel to wipe my fucking bald head. Oh, fuck. But I had a great time. And I am not jet lagged at all. I want to thank

this, I don't want to get anybody in trouble, but this person hooked me up with these little fucking things at Jameson, right? Like these little bottles. And, you know, I was going to be a good boy, right? So I fucking landed in Ireland. Let me take you through the whole thing. I fucking get on the flight, right?

Aer Lingus, right? Take off to the Emerald Isles, right? And I get there and blew all my money on a first class fucking ticket because I'm not sitting in the back of the plane. I'm an old man, my back is fucked up, so I just said fuck it, I'm gonna throw like 10 gigs out the window on plane tickets.

That's what I'm gonna do, gives a shit, right? So I show up, it's one of those fucking folds all the way down into a bed, seats. So I am psyched, right? Then this fucking asshole, I mean, how can, it can only go up from there, right? Oh, I guess it can go down. I'm just saying, it's like a perfect situation.

Oh, hang on, my fucking eggs are here. All right, I'm back. You know what, this is gonna be breakfast with Billy. Oh, Billy breakfast face! Um, so anyways, I get on this fucking plane, uh, and I'm laying in a goddamn bed, and they got Goodfellas. Goodfellas is one of the movies that I can watch. I'm like, this is fucking perfect.

Nothing can ruin this. And then this fucking cunt in front of me, he's listening to his Bose headset, so he's basically shut out the entire fucking world, and he's listening to music, and he's humming along with it, like in a tone deaf way. So like he'd go like, and when like the music would go up, like higher notes, he wouldn't hum higher, he'd just get louder.

It was just sort of, I'm sitting there going, how the fuck do I tell this guy politely to stop fucking humming? I literally had, I put earplugs in, I could still hear the guy, and I'm like, what the fuck didn't I buy the Bose headset to shut this fucking guy out, right? So, fortunately, they started up the jet engines, and I swear to God, I could still fucking hear this guy. And then I just, I put on on the movie and then I was fine So anyways, so I start to watch goodfellas you know my flight was like 8 o'clock at night, I start watching it and

I end up. I you know I hit pause because I'm gonna go to sleep I just fucking fall asleep right and then I wake up with like we have like it's like a 10-hour flight I sleep for like eight hours. I'd already been on the plane for like an hour and a half We like 30 minutes left I watched a little more good fellas, and then we landed So now it's like two o'clock in the afternoon. I'm fucking wide awake I'm wide awake and all I'm thinking is just like I hate this now. I'm gonna be jet-lagged I'm gonna be up all night, and I didn't have a show here in Dublin so what I did was

And I didn't have a show here in Dublin, so what I did was, somebody hooked me up, and I want to say thank you to the person, they gave me these little Jameson bottles, right? The 12 year fucking things. And I wasn't going to drink or anything like that. But it got to be like 11 o'clock at night, and I'm like, I am fucking wide awake. This is going to suck, I got to get on fucking Ireland Time. And I just came up with this idea, it's like,

well, you know, if I drink in the afternoon, I pass out and fucking Ireland Time. And I just came up with this idea. It's like, well, if I drink in the afternoon, I pass out and go to sleep. So why don't I just start drinking? So I'm alone in my hotel room, and I just fucking pound these four little bottles of the Jameson, right? Now I'm nice and buzzed. I start reading a book,

and right before I start getting sleepy, I open the curtains. You know? So the light would come in and spill in at like seven in the morning. So I ended up falling asleep like around two, three o'clock in the morning, and then I was up at seven a.m. I was, you know, hungover or whatever. That part sucked, but it only took me a day. Now I'm totally fucking acclimated. Last night, by the time I was done with my second show, I was like totally fucking sleepy. I was ready to pass out, but I ran into Joe DeRosa, and he's a drunk like me.

So we ended up going out. I'll tell you the story in a second. I gotta eat these fucking eggs. Hang on. All right, I'm back. Sorry about that. I had to eat the fucking eggs. You know one thing I don't like about leaving the United States of America

is the United States of America, the greatest country on the planet, as far as I'm concerned, I just like saying that because people around the world get annoyed and like part of them, they know it's true. You know it's true. You know what I mean? It only got going a couple hundred years ago but we caught up to all of you. We went right past you and all you guys here with your history and your fucking castles and your great walls, you know, none of that can compare to our strip malls. You know it's true.

I know it's true. I fucking hate bacon around the world. The best bacon in the world is in the United States of America. That is bacon. This Canadian bacon, these slabs of fucking ham, it's not bacon. It's not bacon. Or is this another one of those football fucking soccer arguments? Maybe we're wrong. Maybe we should not call's not bacon. It's not bacon. Or is this another one of those football fucking soccer arguments?

Maybe we're wrong. Maybe we should not call it fucking bacon. I don't know what it is, but whatever we have in the United States is fucking delicious. And for whatever reason, it's not served anywhere else in the world. I don't know what you guys call it. Is there something else?

Whatever the American style bacon is, do you call it something else? In these fucking God forsaken countries? Oh jeez, I got the hiccups. I ate too fast. You can't do a podcast while eating fucking eggs. All right, now, hang on a second. I got to go scare myself. Hang on, it's sounding like Foster Brooks.

Yeah, so if anybody out there can tell me, this podcast is gonna be so fucked up because I keep time traveling. I just keep hitting pause and then going into the future. If anybody can tell me, yeah, what you call, can I get that bacon over here and stop getting these slabs of fucking ham?

I don't know. It's the little things. It's the little things that you miss when you travel. So anyways, that's my new way where I'm going to beat jet lag. That's how you do it. You know? Instead of sitting there trying to fall asleep, you just get shit-faced and you pass out, but before you get shit-faced, you open the curtain so then the sun will

wake you up. And it sucks. The first night, you're just going to feel like, you know. I mean, I just felt like how I always do. I woke up hungover and didn't get enough sleep. And then I was just, I was fucking on it, you know? And so I woke up and it was Sunday morning in Dublin and I decided I was going to walk around. And which is funny because my cell phone, you know, the whole Google Map thing isn't working over here. So I just like when I was in, before I left, I was on the hotel Wi-Fi, so

I just, my Google Map thing was working and I just took a screenshot of where I was in case I got lost and I could just jump in a cab or some shit. So anyways, I fucking just start walking around and like nothing is open. I forgot it was Sunday. I'm like, what the fuck? What's going on? These people fucking all at home, eating breakfast? None of these places are open?

And I was just walking and walking. I didn't realize, you know, it was like fucking 9 a.m. or some shit like that on a Sunday. And I had already gone downstairs. I had already taken a steam. They got steam in a fucking pool. And I was totally on fucking Dublin time. And I just walked all around Dublin. I was like on the other side down, you know,

where that fucking horrific Temple Bar is? Or whatever the fuck they call it. It's a temple bar? Because with a T. Every fucking jerk off American goes, oh, you go to Dublin, you got to go down there. And I went there the first time I came here. And I go down there, and I'm like talking to some guy from

Cincinnati. I'm like, I can fucking do this in the United States. I don't want to be here. Everything's fucking overpriced. So I walked on the other side of the river, and I walked all the way up to their park. It was called Phoenix, the Phoenix Park. I walked for like three and a half hours just checking out this beautiful city and their

park is fucking amazing. And I got about halfway into it and then I realized they had a zoo. And I fucking hate zoos. I'm one of those people. I don't like zoos. I don't like SeaWorld. It's like, will you let these things go? You know what I mean?

Just let them go. The fact that a fucking goddamn whale has a matinee show, the fact that, how does a killer whale end up in show business? You know what I mean? And then they go and they kill their fucking trainers, and In a show, like, defected, like, how does a killer whale, like, end up in show business? You know what I mean? And then they go and they kill their fucking trainers and it's just like, yeah, it doesn't want to be there.

They're like, well, you know, we didn't see any erratic behavior and blah, blah, you didn't see any erratic behavior? You're making the thing jump in the air and do somersaults and lay on its side and wave to people. It doesn't even know what it's doing. How do you get a fucking whale to do that, other than starving it? Or how do you beat the shit out of a whale? I don't know what you do. What, do you electrocute him in the water?

Drop a fucking radio in there every time he doesn't go through the hoop? You know? How many fucking trainers have to get attacked and killed before we understand that these fucking people don't want to do it You know As a dancing clown like me ever attacked or murdered his fucking agent now because we want to because it's we it was our own fucking choice to get into show business to make a fucking killer whale and a dolphin and There was those little fucking sea lion things.

And the people, oh look he's waving at us. No, he isn't. They don't understand the concept of waving. They're doing the motion of waving. They're doing that. But that's so they'll still get food and not get the shit kicked out of them. Especially like lions and tigers, like how the fuck you get those giant, how dumb are those cats, you know what I mean? That they

just every fucking night they should just, they should have to get a new trainer every night. Like that should be the show. Like the trainer goes, yeah, get up on the box. He just gets mauled. And then that's it. And they just drag them out and bring another guy in. With his little fancy fucking satin clothes. Lion tamer. Going in there with your whip and your chair. I never realized how fucking stupid that is. I'm a lion tamer.

I'm going to make that lion tame. Like fucking how insecure are you? Human beings are the fucking worst. What does it bother you that it's a wild animal? What makes an animal wild? What really makes an animal wild? The fact that it doesn't give a shit that you have socks and shoes on? You know?

Is that what makes it wild? That when you say, hey, get over there and sit out, it's like, hey, go fuck yourself. The fuck outta here, I'll rip your face off. To me, that's not a wild animal. That's an animal that has respect for itself. Fuck outta here, tell me what to sit. Who the fuck are you?

I'm faster than you, I'm stronger than you. I'll fucking kill you, I won't even eat you. I'll just fucking end your life. How about I do that? How about that? How about you go over there and sit the fuck down? You know, I love wild animals. I just realized that.

You gotta respect them. Ah, man, I was watching an awful fucking video the other night, man. Just watching snakes eating other snakes. Is there anything worse than that? Fucking serpents all wound up around each other. I fucking hate snakes. I remember watching the Indiana Jones when I was a kid. I remember when he fucking hated snakes.

I was just like, I like this guy. I relate to this guy, you know? He's flying around in planes. He's trying to bang this broad and he doesn't like snakes. I was just like, I like this guy. I didn't relate to this guy. He's flying around in planes. He's trying to bang this broad. And he doesn't like snakes. He's got a nice leather jacket, pulls off a hat. What's not to like? So anyways, I'm watching this fucking video.

I don't get how one of the snakes is poisonous, and he's biting the other one in the back, and the thing's just fucking taking it It's it's like what your poison doesn't work on that thing. Oh You're so fucking nervous like nothing's coming out That's got to be the worst that's got to be the worst thing ever as one of the snakes is eating the other snake, right? And he's fucking sucking him down and like this, the snake that's getting eaten, the part of his body that's not in the other snake is still moving. It's just going down the tunnel.

I know they're reptiles and they can't think, but in somewhere, even in its reptilian head, it's got to be in there like like freaking the fuck out Eating alive is going to be the worst you know what I mean, it's like I Don't mean just like just biting into you at least you'd bleed out, but if some just swallows your whole like that Just going down this fucking thing At what point do you run out of air? Why isn't the snake that's going into the other snake, that's when he should start biting them, fucking eat them

from the fucking inside out? Some reason that doesn't happen. That's another problem in this election year. Someone needs to answer that question for me. Hey, you know what I'm really getting fucking tired of is the funniest fucking thing ever to me, and I'm not going to name any names. I love when celebrities tell me who to vote for.

That's the stupidest fucking thing ever. You know, I don't know if I should vote for Trump or for Hillary. I can't make up my mind. Oh, wait a minute, it's the guy from the dog whisperer Maybe he should tell me. Oh, yeah, who should I elect for leader of the free world? I'll tell you what is fucking Hilarious to me. It's not really hilarious. But I actually I think I was I just met somebody when I was down in the I

Took a steam right and then I went into the pool and I was shooting the shit with somebody when I was down in the, I took a steam, right? And then I went into the pool and I was shooting the shit with this guy. And I'm telling you, I think Trump could win. I never thought, I was just sitting there going, this is going to be a fucking landslide. No one's going to vote for this fucking dope, right? And I'm running to this guy, just going,

and he's just sitting there going, hey, I can't fucking, he's going, I can't vote for Hillary. She's a fucking criminal. I'm going, yeah, but this other guy, this guy's a dope. Cause I agree with you that Hillary's a fucking idiot. No, I mean a criminal, but this guy's like a fucking dope. And he's going, yeah, you know, but I think he just needs to shut up. And I think he can get stuff done.

And this is, this is the thing, the human being in me. All right. The fucking, I don't want to see Trump win, okay? But I got to tell you something, just living in Hollywood, how fucking terrified they are that he's going to win, it's worth it. I just want to watch everybody just fucking freaking out. It's going to be the, like, for personal selfish reasons,

if Trump gets elected, like, there's going to be the... Like, for personal selfish reasons, if Trump gets elected, like, there's no place in the world you're going to want to be the next day than right in Hollywood in LA and just listen to them fucking losing their mind. They literally think that that guy is going to take the entire country down, like it's possible for either Hillary or Trump to do it. You can't do it, fortunately, the way our whole thing's set up. If you get a couple of things done, I guess as president, it's a great thing. If you had to bet right now, if this was a Super Bowl, this is the hardest fucking, how do you handicap

this one? They're so fucking polarizing, right? You got Hillary Clinton, right? Like, I really feel like people in this country are like, maybe like, I don't know, Clinton's and Bush's, I'm just sick of them. I'm fucking sick of them, right? But I think there's enough people that fucking hate Hillary because they hate Bill Clinton. And then you've got to also sexist people who just won't vote for a woman.

And then you've got women who will vote for her just because she's a woman, so maybe they'll cancel each other out. And then you've got Trump, who, you know, I want to say is a fucking dope, but I mean, the guy is a fucking billionaire, right? Is he though? I don't know if he is. Who the fuck? He says he is.

I have no fucking idea. Granted, he did inherit the money, but he also didn't fuck it up. But he did go bankrupt. I can't figure this fucking guy out. I just can't believe these are my two choices. I can't figure this fucking guy out. I just can't believe these are my two choices. I can't fucking believe it. This is all time fucking worst fucking election ever. How the fuck did we end up with these two fucking people?

You know what? Maybe I will listen to the dog whisperer guys. Maybe they can help me out. I don't know what, maybe I will listen to the dog whisperer guy. Maybe they can help me out. I don't know what to do. I have no fucking eye what to do. There's no fucking way I'm voting for Trump, but I'm not voting for somebody with 15 felony counts either. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know what's hilarious over here is fucking people like

People are freaking out about Trump Over here. They're like dude. You can't fucking elect that you cannot have that guy be the leader of free world And I'm like it's when then what we're supposed to have the convicted felon. I don't know It's a fucking shit show people It's a fucking shit show, people. So anyways, I don't know. What the fuck do I want? You know what's fucking hilarious about me talking about all of this shit?

I have not watched one fucking... I watched the first Republican debate back when Trump was funny. When you're just like, isn't this hilarious that this guy's running for president? This is funny. It's like if your fucking buddy's like, I'll run for mayor, and all of a sudden you see him on TV, you're just laughing, watching him sounding like a fucking idiot, you know? And then it's over. And then you go back to the real world.

That's when I watched. And then he kept winning, and it just stopped being funny to me. So I stopped watching, and I cannot listen to Hillary's fucking voice oh my god oh my god yeah like oh it's it's it's it's a I don't know I have no fucking idea you know it's funny is they give a shit more over here about the election than we do. You know? Do you know like when those fucking banker cunts,

those banker cunts fucking in America, when they totally cook the fucking economy, like that, because everybody's like all tied in with each other, like that really affected the economy over here in Ireland. I had no fucking idea. I had no idea that that happened. And like people over here got so despondent that the suicide rate went up and everything like that. And it just kills me because you know, those bankers don't give a fuck.

They still sleep at night, sleep soundly. I'm telling you, that is the candidate that I'm waiting for. Not the one that is going to say, hey, we need to fucking, we need all kinds of reform and regulations and banking. I don't want to hear that guy. We're beyond that. I want the guy that's going to be like, look, we need to kill a bunch of bankers, fucking start all over again.

That's my guy. Right? I don't know what I'm talking about. Let me do a couple of live reads here. All right. I hope the sound is okay here. 23 fucking minutes in. All right.

Meandies.com slash bar. All right. I'm done with that shit. What are we up to? 28. I got to go meet DeRosa. He's over here. Joey opened up for me.

Alright, three, I got questions here to do. Alright, let me run my mouth for like another fucking couple of minutes, then I'm gonna go meet up with old Joey DeRosie. The Shalali, somebody gave me a fucking Shalali after the show. I never knew what a chilely was for some reason I thought it was some sort of like fucking you know four leaf clover leprechaun shit Evidently it isn't Hang on a second. You know what I gotta tell the Rose I can't fucking meet him cuz I gotta I gotta finish finish this podcast and I'm going up to Belfast.

Hang on. Alright, just like that. Just like that, I'm back. More time travel here. I'm not gonna fucking, I'm not hanging out with DeRosa. Try to catch up with him tonight. I'm going up to Belfast. I've never been there. And, uh... You know, when I was growing up, like all you heard, all the fucking crazy shit that was going on up there.

So my idea of Belfast is still a place that you want to be on your best behavior, I would think. In general, when you travel, you're representing your country, you want to be on your best behavior. But when I was growing up, all the violence and all the craziness and all that shit that I used to always hear about up in Belfast and everything. They were talking about Brexit or whatever the fuck they were talking about.

The UK leaving the European Union for whatever reason, that might become a hard border again. And that could raise tension and all that shit. It's just like fucking human beings, we just cannot get along I just want to go in there I want to have a great show and then I'm coming back down here to Dublin tonight and then I got Galway the next day everybody's telling me that's the most beautiful fucking city one of most beautiful cities in the world and then I'm off to England. Oh, this fucking cunt, man.

When I landed, they gave me these work papers. So when you land, show this to customs. Do not say you're just over there to be a tourist, right? Just fucking give them the work papers. So I said, fine. And I land, and I fucking Ireland. I give it to the guy, and So I said, fine. And I'd land, and I'd fucking Ireland. I'd give it to the guy. And the guy goes, what's this?

And I said, oh, they told me to show you my work papers. I'm working over here. I'm doing some stand-up shows. And the guy goes, this says the UK. Ireland's not part of the UK. And I just want to be like, I know that, you fucking cunt. My person told me to show it to you. But you can't say that, because then they'll send you back

to the United States. I would be like, oh, OK, I didn't realize that. I didn't know what the fucking UK was. It's fucking Christ. What is the UK? It's Northern Ireland, it's England, Wales and fucking Scotland, right? Isn't that what the fucking is? I gotta look it up now. Here I am calling this guy a cunt. I actually I might get this wrong. United Kingdom. It's kind of a big fucking word for a small area

of the, you know, I think it used to be. They needed to adjust that, you know? Like the way Jefferson Airplane did. Then they became Jefferson Starship because it was more into the future. Right? All right. Hang on a second. They need to dial this down. United Kingdom when you had all this shit around the world, then it should have been United, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck you'd call it. Maybe that's why they didn't. That's really not a way to come back down. Sorry, I'm trying to fucking read this shit. What is it? Population? Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Okay, Northern Ireland. Okay, great. Okay, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, commonly known as the

United Kingdom. How come they don't fucking talk about Scotland like it's its own deal. I don't get it. I always thought like they were subjects of fucking, like Britain went up and took them over but they still were kind of their own deal. Isn't Scotland, Scotland and then fucking England's England? They're different people, they're different nationalities. They don't fucking like each other. Right? They're not English, they're Scottish. Why do they just get all swallowed up by this shit? I don't understand it.

They don't even bring them up. They talk about Northern Ireland. They don't even mention Scottish people. They talk about Northern Ireland, they don't even mention Scottish people. You know what? This guy was right to yell at me. You know what? I take that back. That guy was not a cunt. He was a good cunt. He was a top cunt.

He fucking hit the nail in the head. That's exactly what he did. So anyway, so I walked all around Dublin. I'm sorry about this podcast. It means it's all over the place. Who the fuck's kidding who? So I walked all around Dublin and saw all this shit, right? And then when I get back, the Formula 1 race comes on at 1

o'clock in the afternoon out here, as opposed to 4.30 in the fucking morning. I got to record it and then try not to go online and see anything. you know? And so now I come back and now I'm starting up, the jet lag's getting to me. I'm starting to feel sleepy and everything. And I fucking, I took an hour nap. I did take an hour nap before my shows.

But so I was listening to the, I watched some of the Formula One and then I fell asleep and anytime anybody went to pass anybody, the guy would start screaming and then I would wake up. So I did see most of the exciting parts of the fucking race. Fucking Nico, Jesus Christ. He keeps getting the pole position and he fucks it up in the first turn. And there's another thing too, I don't get, it just seems like Formula One racing, as far as what I've watched, the race is just to the first turn.

Whoever comes out in front in that turn wins the fucking race it seems. Or at least if Lewis Hamilton gets to the fucking first turn he comes out of there in first place It's over. He just cruises for the entire fucking the entire race Fucking Nico Jesus Christ, what the fuck was he doing? Spinning the tires and all this shit and everybody just fucking went right around him Spinning the tires and all this shit and everybody just fucking went right around him And he's gonna spend out He's gonna spend the whole fucking race just trying to get back into second place He did what he always does he goes fucking way into a corner tries to pass on the inside

And he just forces the guy to the outside then he gets a fucking penalty But somebody did it to him a few fucking races go. There's something about this kid. They don't like them They don't like him. They don't like him. They fucked him over. So he wasn't even on the podium. So now Lewis Hamilton's ahead by like 40 points. I don't know. It's a great fucking.

I was actually thinking, because Germany's only a couple hours away, that what I should have. Nah, I had an afternoon show. I still couldn't have done it. I was thinking, I should have just flown directly to Germany, gone to that thing, right? Then jumped on a plane, come back here and done my, ah, what am I, James Bond? I couldn't pull that off. You need your own fucking plane to do that. Like all those people in the stands, Formula One, those people are filthy fucking rich. It's actually not true. I actually looked up for tickets.

You can get a ticket for like 55 bucks. You get your face pressed up against the screen and if anybody crashes, you're going to die, but you're going to be there. You're going to be there for 55 bucks. You can make it happen. All right. I'm sorry. Let's get to some of the questions here for the

week. Oh, by the way, I walked through the creepiest goddamn park. Where the fuck am I? Marion Park or some shit? You know, it's beautiful when there's people there, but I got up at seven in the morning. There was like nobody there. And I don't know what it was. It just had like, it just, it, the fucking park creeped me out. And, uh, there was some weirdo guy sitting there. And then they had this really weird statue of this guy, this self-satisfied cunt just sitting on a fucking rock. You know, I took a picture of it. Hang on a second.

I, why, why the fuck would I shut my phone off? Oh, I didn't. I just took a screenshot. All right, hang on a second. What is this guy's name? What is his name? Oh, Ireland's yet another fucking place, you know, where I can buy a Cuban cigar, but there's no place to smoke the fucking thing. Oh, you can walk down this street. Walk down this street. I'm not a fucking animal. I'm smoking a cigar. I'm like those fucking cigarette smokers, you know? Standing next to a dumpster. They're animals. Cigarette smokers are fucking animals.

They really are. All right. Yeah, it was Murray and Square Park. Right? And then I took a picture of, they have the blue tit and the green tit bird. I swear to God. They had this whole fucking thing on all the different birds. They tried to claim that there was a fox in there and all this shit.

You know, and you show up and you don't see anything. You see that black and white bird. That's all you see. Oh, there he is. I'm going to post this picture. This guy is got a, I don't know if the person didn't like this guy. Is it Oliver Wilde? I have no idea who he is.

He's yet another one of these fucking clever Irish cunt fucking writers, you know what I mean? Where they're like, you know of these fucking clever Irish cunt fucking writers, you know what I mean? Where they're like, you know, these fucking over dramatic quotes. I was reading one where the guy said, it's not that if he could go back and be young again, you know, he wouldn't do it because he's so fucking cynical or something. I can't remember what the fuck it was. It's like, oh, shut the fuck up.

Fucking miserable cunt. Jesus Christ. Just staring into the misery. Can you show me some light? I don't understand it. Oh my God, you guys gotta see this picture. I'm definitely fucking posting this thing. That guy is the epitome of a cozy,ug cunt as they say over here. He looks like he's... I don't even know what he looks like. He just looks like... You ever watch like a movie and there's just the evil guy and when he's on trial he just has this look on

his face like he's gonna get away with it?'s what he looks like like his dad's gonna buy him out of his got this crooked fucking smile He's dumbass fucking loafers Alright, let's get to the questions here for the week All right. Oh Jesus. He's a big question will I ever get laid? All right, dear bill. I'm currently in an emotional quandary. I'm 19 and I've never been laid. That's not bad. He said I was homeschooled my entire life by strict religious parents. All right, that's bad.

Who shielded me from girls. My sister was 21 years old, was my only window to the female world. She would always have female friends around and many of them hit on me. I even made out slash felt up one of them. So you're in the game. You scored a couple of buckets. You're on the scorecard. He said, which was my only sexual experience ever. So although sheltered my outlook is bright, right? Then he says wrong. Three years ago I mysteriously developed severe social anxiety to the point I can barely go to public places. Around this time my parents kicked my sister out of the house because she left Christianity. Oh yeah

that's inevitable. So she moved in with the friend. So now not only am I paralyzed with anxiety but now the well has dried up since she left and I have no female circulating around in my life. This is how my life has been since 2013 and I don't know how many more years of it I can take. I'm not at the point where, I think you meant to say I'm now at the point, right? Where what do I do? I would deal with your social anxiety first.

I mean, your parents allow you to go outside, right? So what I would do is you just, you know, just give yourself some small goals, you know? Just go out, go to the store, go buy something and come home. That's it. Do that, you just gradually increase. It's like flying. When you get your pilot's license, what you do is you just keep gradually increasing

the area that you're familiar with and comfortable flying it. You know? You don't just get your pilot's license and just fucking just start flying all over the fucking place. You're nervous, you're scared, right? So you just gradually keep increasing the,

your area, so that's what I would do. And then once you get comfortable with the area, then you add more shit to it. There's a woman behind the counter, say hello to her or some shit, little things, and dude, you're gonna be fine. The fact that you're living under those severe conditions and you still made out with the chick and felt her up,

I mean, dude, you're crushing it. You're being way too hard on yourself. You're only 19. You got your whole life ahead of you You know Telling you you're in a great position just You know Just work on a little bit. You'll be fine. You'll totally be fine and the fact that you know

She's bringing these girls over there, and they're fucking hitting on you. I mean That never happened to me. Women now, oh my God, I had to spin plates and fucking all kinds of shit to try to get them to pay attention to me. So you're way better in a way better situation than I was when I was 19. So just know that people always have it worse than you.

Just go easy on yourself. You'll be fine, You'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll probably get laid by the time you're fucking 20. Just go out and say hello to people. Right? You got women coming over throwing themselves at you. I mean, am I supposed to feel bad for you?

I want to be you. You're 19 and you got women hitting on you. Dude, you're a fucking rock star. All right, tired of lying. Hey Billy Nutbuster, here's my situation. I've been mildly depressed, Jesus Christ, here we go. Everybody's having a problem this week. I've been mildly depressed for my whole life and struggled with an identity crisis since

my early teens. What the fuck is an identity crisis? Hang on a second. Would you look in the mirror and be like, who the fuck's... Oh, that's right, that's me. Sorry, hold on. All right. You know, I just realized how funny this is.

I've seen they're going like, I hate when celebrities try to tell me who I should vote for and here I am fucking giving you guys advice. But don't you guys ask me for advice because you think I'm gonna say something stupid. This is just part of your entertainment, isn't it? Alright, identity crisis. The term identity crisis, coined by the psychologist Eric Erickson. That's a real name.

My name's Bill Billson. This is my buddy here, Pete Peterson. Means the failure to achieve ego identity during adolescence. What the fuck does that mean? You don't achieve ego identity. That's a definition. That's a fucking enigma wrapped up in a riddle, right? The stage of psychological development in which identity crisis may occur is, and now you're just going to fucking move on?

None of those fucking words are highlighted? Am I the only dumbass who doesn't know what that means? During this stage, adolescents are faced with physical growth, sexual maturity, and integrating ideas of themselves about what others think about themselves. Oh, here you are explaining it. Sorry, I panicked. Adolescents therefore form their self-image and endure the task of resolving the crisis of their basic ego identity.

Oh, so it just means you're trying to figure out who you are. Well, who the fuck knows that at that age? All right, let me get back to the fucking question here. Where's the question? Did I, I didn't open a new window? Oh boy. Alright, here we go. I've been struggling with identity crisis since my early teens.

All this thanks to my shitty upbringing. I am Canadian, but growing up I've always been fascinated with American culture and so on. So some, and our bacon, dude. Our bacon, you know, say dude, our bacon, you know, say what you want about, you know, our foreign policy. You can't fuck with our bacon. So some years ago in my late teens, I'm now 27, I began to cultivate this lie that I was American.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I fucking love this guy. Why would you do that? This is fascinating and so on to the point my friends and girlfriends friend believe this. I've gone as far as to legally change my last name, lie about my heritage, partly and a few other things. My European girlfriend now believes full heatedly, don't you mean heartedly, full-heatedly in

my life and her family and friends too. It started by accident, coming out as the casual lie. It is before we dated. However, I am now in a very amazing relationship with her and I love this girl very much and plan to marry her. Unfortunately, she has trust issues and me being American is part of my appeal, I'm sure. Oh God, dude, what did you do? She doesn't take to liars or lying lightly at all. Also, we're planning on starting a business together and so on.

This lie would come out eventually. Right now, I'm in Canada for a couple of months and she's in Europe. I'll see her again soon and I'd prefer to break the news face to face, not on the phone. This lie is weighing really heavy on me and I want to tell her but I feel that if I lost her I couldn't carry on in life. My depression is getting worse with this distance for a few months in the weight of this lie. By the way, this isn't a long distance relationship. I live over in Europe too. I want your advice on how to break the news to her. I love to hear your thoughts

on the podcast. Yeah, dude, you got to fucking, you just got to face the music here. Yeah, I would just sit her down and just say, Yeah, listen, I have something I have to tell you. Oh, God, and that's gonna make her fucking heart drop. But you gotta do it. I didn't cheat on you. I'm not breaking up with you. I would say that first. Okay? It's, you know, something about me. I don't have cancer. And you'd be like, what the fuck is it? And you got to be like, listen, I lied

about being American. There you go. And then it's out there. And then after that, it's going to naturally go its course. That's all you have to do. I lied about being American. I lied about being American. It's five fucking words. Five fucking words and this weight is off your chest. Now, how she reacts to it and all of that other stuff is different. I would just be totally honest with her and just say the weight of this, the reason why I did it, I didn't like myself, the identity crisis, just tell her why you did it. And then I don't know what you do after that other than just wait to see her reaction to it. I knew somebody one time that lied about their age and it was nuts. He was dating this person for a number of years, and she was much younger.

So he started out the relationship by saying he was younger. And then I remember when he started introducing her to us the few times he did, he was going like, listen, he'd be like, just, we went to high school together, but we didn't graduate in 1987. We graduated like 1993. And we were all sitting there laughing, and I'm going like, dude, I can't remember all

this shit. How about I just, I don't bring up high school. I just won't bring up any years. And we just, we basically hammered this guy forever and then he finally came clean. And you know what dude? He came clean and she didn't break up with him. She didn't fucking break up with him. Women are way more forgiving than men are, I think. Their capacity to forgive is much greater. So what's funny was this guy finally came clean.

She freaked the fuck out, but then she forgave him, and then they stayed together, and then six months later he dumped her. So figure that one out. So dude, you'll be fine. Just tell her, you gotta tell her, you know? And no matter what, dude, you're going to survive. This whole fucking thing of like, oh my God, if this person leaves me, my life's going

to be, it's not going to be over, okay? And she probably won't leave you, you know? She loves you too, you'll be fine. But you know, just the big thing, all you got to worry about, dude, is you just got to get this fucking lie off your chest. And you know what, dude, is you just gotta get this fucking lie off your chest. And you know what, dude? Then you can fucking breathe again and yeah, you know, that's gonna be weird for a while, but you know, it's a situation you created and as a man you gotta fucking deal with it. All right?

So good luck to you. All right. My girl wears entirely too much makeup. Oh, Billy Firecrutch. I've been dating a girl for three years who is fantastic. She's caring, listens to me bitch about work, and is a crazed lunatic in a good way, in the sack. All right.

She's great in bed and she puts up with you. What's the not like? My one problem is that she wears way too much makeup. She watches YouTube videos all the time dealing with ways to put on makeup, but she always looks like she uses too much. Her eyebrows look kind of like Groucho Marx by the end of it. My dilemma is how do I go about telling her nicely that she should ease up on the makeup? She's very sensitive about her looks. Yeah, I would guess that, but also values my opinion, which is why I'm in a tough spot.

I kind of feel like a jerk too because if this is my one problem, then I should be able to deal with it, right? The lovely Nia should probably weigh in on this also if she's not asleep. Thanks and go fuck yourself. also if she's not asleep. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Unfortunately, she's not here. Yeah, I would just, I don't know, one time when she's not wearing makeup, just tell her how pretty she looks. And just tell her that you love the way she looks.

You know? Just start there. Gradually build up her fucking confidence. And I don't know how you could ever just say, you know, you wear too much makeup. If you just said it, just... How would you say it? Well, let's get to the truth of the matter. You're obviously attracted to her. You obviously think she's beautiful, but she wears so much makeup. Yeah, if a woman wears too much makeup, they can start looking crazy. Then also, you know, they give you a hug and it's just like you have like the imprint to

their face, you know what I mean? Is that called a stigmata? What's the thing when you have fucking Jesus's face on you? Ah, Christ, I always have to look sh-. You know how many times I fucking looked up this word? It's a fucking great song, too. Christ I always have to look shit. How many times I fucking looked up this word? It's a fucking great song too That's stigma all right stigmata is a term used

Jesus Christ this is all this religious It's a term used by members of the Christian faiths to describe body marks sores or sensations of pain and locations Corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ such as hands wrists and feet. I'll give me a fucking break What it what the fuck is wrong with people? Jesus is in me and my hands fucking hurt. Can you fucking imagine? Let's just fucking say, for the sake of fucking argument, that Jesus Christ is a real person. And that shit happened to him. If you would fucking sit there and be like, oh, my fucking hands hurt.

Do you realize how insulting that is to fucking J-Star there? You know, this guy had fucking nails. Isn't it in his arms? If he did it to his hands, the weight of his fucking body, they would have ripped off. Then they actually do it in the fucking wrists between the radius and the ulna. The fucking agony that this person went through and you're going to fucking sit there, oh yeah, I kind of feel it too. How fucking self-centered are you?

All right, so she wears too much makeup. Yeah, I would just say, yeah, I would just tell her how pretty she is. And rather than saying you wear too much makeup, I would more phrase it like, you know, you don't have to wear all that makeup. You know? You should show the world your beautiful face. You're covering it up. I would go in a very positive way. You know? But I would just ease into it. I she's not wearing makeup, you just keep telling her how pretty she looks. You know what I mean? And then hopefully she'll get past that.

Because that's a sad thing. If someone's walking around, they don't like how they look. I don't know. People are fucking nuts. I think the internet makes people even more fucking nuts. Just sitting there looking at all these people, all these Instagram people and all this fucking shit. It drives people, you get a little crazy.

All right, podcast topic slash hopefully interesting thought. Jesus Christ, dude, you wrote a goddamn novel here. All right, I'm gonna apologize upfront for my bad reading here. All right, here we go. Hey, Bill. upfront for my bad reading here. All right, here we go. Hey, Bill.

Are you up for something a little bit different? Who writes that? It's not about football. And if it's a conspiracy theory, it's one for the future. I bet you didn't think making pie would be something interesting to you. But look at you now with the butter crust and everything.

So give it a shot. Ha ha. Well, dude, I'm fucking reading it. You don't got to write all that stuff. I'll read anything. All right. Would you ever teleport somewhere if the technology got to that point? It was something I thought would be cool until you see the different ways they're trying

it out? Who is? The first is a wormhole, which is some kind of space-time anomaly that I don't even think the physicists understand. Physicists understand. I don't understand what... You've already lost me. This would be pretty cool, but it is obviously especially unlikely to ever be a thing. Dude, would you look at this sentence?

This would be pretty cool, but it's obviously especially unlikely to ever be a thing. It was like fucking left and right turns just in that sentence. Another way they are looking. Oh, by the way, I never understood why Formula One was looking down on like IndyCar racing and stock car racing, how it's just left turns, just left turns, just left turns.

Like why it's harder that there's left and right turns. I finally noticed, because what happens is that if there's a left turn and you're on the inside and you get past the guy and then the next turn is a right turn then he's on the inside. So it's actually way more difficult. You think you think you know in stock car racing you get on the inside then yeah, that's it you pass the guy. Then he's got to try to get inside of you or maybe fucking have somebody draft behind him or whatever. But I mean there's only so many fucking ways you can go. Formula one racing you're like, yay, fucking passed you.

No, I didn't. Son of a bitch, right? Sorry, that was way oversimplifying something really difficult. All right, let's get back. I just needed a break from that last sentence. All right, another way they're looking into this is really fucking horrifying. The idea is that they can break you down your atoms while analyzing exactly how everything was connected

and just put the same elements together on the other side. This could even work with your brain and memories. What? Really all of our consciousness is just neurons in certain patterns, connected uniquely in each of us based on our DNA and experiences. Yeah, dude, like already I can tell you this, like you go to Jiffy Lube,

and their job is literally to change oil, drain oil out and then put other oil in. And the amount of times that they forget to put it in and the person drives away without the oil in there and then the engine seizes, you know what I mean? You think I'm gonna go to fucking the Jiffy Lube of teleporting and I'm gonna roll the dice

that they're gonna get everything back together again? Anyways, he says, obviously, this would be something in the distant future, but aren't you technically dying every time you go through that? Go through what? In a clone, oh, if you were to teleport, and a clone with the same memories comes out on the other side, it's a weird thought. That if this ever became a thing, everyone using it to communicate every day would be dying twice a day with the clone coming out on the other side.

Yeah, dude, this sounds like a great movie. It's fucked up enough that no one else, like friends or family, would know the difference, but even you slash clone you wouldn't. If it was good enough that all of the memories came with you, the clone would just come out the other side remembering stepping in the receiver a minute ago, even though the version of you that experienced that is dead now. Yeah, so your soul would know it, wherever the fuck your soul goes. And you'd be standing down, you know, looking down from a cloud or wherever the fuck you

go, going, that motherfucker isn't me, walking around being me. And he goes, sorry if I got too weird for you, but I thought if I explained it right, this would be at least mildly interesting. Totally interesting. Even if they had the technology right now, I feel like they would have to slowly work up to this. Like everyone thought if you had a cell phone,

you were a douche, then everyone had one. Now we have shit like Pokimane going, okay, I get the rest of this stuff. Dude, I thought about, you know, when I was in my early days of traveling, basically the first 20 years of this shit, and I took buses and sat in the back of the plane and all of that type of shit that I remember wishing that I had an F-16, you know, and a pilot, and that we could somehow fly like whatever, 2,000 miles an hour, whatever that is, Mach whatever,

across the country, and I could get across the country in like an hour and a half. And just fucking get in the thing and have the guy just push the stick forward. Waaah! That was my big thing. I was into bullet trains, I was into all of this shit. And what I fucking hated was whenever I took the train from Boston down to New York City, they had the high speed fucking train.

And it would go high speed to like Stamford, Connecticut or some shit and then they had to stop and change the engine. So it just slowed the fuck down. Something like that. You'd have to stop or you'd get behind the slow one. It didn't even make any fucking sense to pay all that extra money and all you did

was shave like 20 minutes off the thing. So I've always thought about, like I would just use teleporting for travel, you know? But I agree with you that you would be dying if they took you completely apart. Like, that is weird. Like what exactly would you be? Like your heart would be completely taken apart? First of all, there's no fucking way we're ever going to learn how to do that. There's no way teleporting and time travel and all that shit, if we were going to learn how to do it, we already would've known about it.

You know what I mean? Because someone would've done it in the future and they would've come back and somebody would've said something. Hey, not for nothing, I'm from fucking 2152. Just wanted to come back here and, you know, just wanted to breathe better air and get away from all those robots. You know

That are running the fucking world Alright girlfriend leaving Alright dear bill love the podcast My girlfriend and I have lived on Long Island our whole lives Go Jets go Islanders and in a couple weeks She's moving out to the Midwest with her family. I knew I was going to see her a lot less since we're starting at different colleges in the fall, but I figured we could still give it a go when we come back during breaks and stuff.

She's my first real girlfriend, lost our virginities to each other and whatnot. And I don't know, man. This really sucks. I'm still crazy about her, like to the point where I'm seriously thinking about transferring to her school next year in a likely futile attempt to keep the dream alive. I know, I know. Call me an idiot, but hey, I'm a dumb teenager. I don't think you're an idiot.

You love the girl. There's nothing wrong with that. This is supposed to be the prime of our lives, and I get that, but I just don't want it to end with her, you know? Any advice from you or the lovely Nia on how to make long distance work or moving on in general would be greatly appreciated. This is what you got to do. You got to allow yourself to be the age that you're at. Okay? You don't have the answers to these questions. There really aren't any. Each person is unique. The two of you are unique and all you can do is just tell her how you feel.

Hope she feels the same way. And there's nothing more you can do. You know, it's either going to work out or it isn't. And you know, you just have to accept in life that most shit is out of your control. And you're going to have good days, you're going to have bad days, you're going to have happiness and you're going to have pain. And you know, when you go through painful parts of your life, you're going to have happiness, and you're going to have pain. When you go through painful parts of your life, you have to face it and you have to accept it. You're not special as far as like, you're not going to go through life and not get your

... Everybody's going to get their fair share of heartache, everybody's going to get their, hopefully their fair share of happiness. So, you know, you're still young, you got your whole fucking life ahead of you. Like I said, all you can do is just tell this woman how you feel, and if it works out, it works out, if it doesn't, it doesn't. I can also tell you that you're going to be going to a college and there's going to be a bunch

of beautiful women there. There's going to be going to a college and there's going to be a bunch of beautiful women there. College is the greatest fucking nightclub ever. Ever. You walk into a nightclub, it's like the women know why the fuck you're there. They already got their guard up. When you go to college, you're going there to go to school. Everybody's a little more fucking relaxed. Yeah, you're going there to go to school. So everybody's a little more fucking relaxed. Yeah, you can go there, you just fucking hit on all of them.

Every fucking one, women that are completely out of your league, just fucking have a good dude. You're fucking, oh, I guess you're not single. You have this girl. But I'm just saying, if she fucking dumps you, dude, like your depression, right, of the life that you're going to have after that is you're basically going to be a single guy in the prime of your life going to college. Like, that's not a big drop off, you know? You're totally going to be fine.

So like I say, just tell this woman how you feel. If she feels the same way, it'll work out. If it doesn't, then you're a free man at college. And I can tell you this right now. As a married guy, I can tell you, someday you'll be married and you'll have kids and you're going to look back when you were single in college with all of those fucking women around and you don't want to look back going, what the fuck was I thinking? I'm not saying going out there and being a fucking man whore, but go out and have a good fucking time

You know Dude, you're single and call if you end up being single in college the thing that you're kind of afraid of because you know When to lose this woman, this is you're basically You're drafting in the first round You know what I mean? Like there's so many great catches, because they're all fucking single. So you can go out and you can get a quality, quality fucking

woman if you're single and you're in college. You know, the older you get, you start drafting in the later rounds. You know, you start meeting women with issues, women with fucking baggage. All the great ones get fucking snapped up. So you know, you're single and like you're 30s. That's when all of a sudden you think you got a number one draft pick and then all of a sudden you end up with like a Greg Oden situation. Right?

She's got some fucking micro-fractures in her feet or some shit underneath. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I'm just saying, at your age, the hardest thing is you haven't been older yet. Older people would look at your situation and just be like, dude, you're in a fucking dream situation. But there's no way for me to explain that to you because you'd have to be old and get married and just be going through the fucking relationship shit.

It's just the fucking ups and downs and ups and downs. And like now you're fucking legally bound to somebody, which is fucking insane to begin with. And the fact that you're just single, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do within reason. And I mean, like, you know, you can't go out and buy a yacht. You don't have the money to do that, but I'm just saying that you just, whatever you feel like doing, you could basically go do it. And the thing that I really wish when I was single that I appreciated more was that level of freedom. And then

also I wish somebody older could have told me, like really just could have told me. Like I lucked out with Nia, but like some of the other people that I dated and stuff like that, granted it was also 50% me, like the level of shit that I put up with when I was younger, you know, I wish I had like more self-esteem like this is obviously for men and women listening to this shit like if you're with somebody and they're a fucking asshole like why would you waste another second of your life with them? You know what I mean?

Trying to find reasons to stay with the person. It's like this person is a fucking asshole. Okay? However you're wired and however they're wired, it's not working. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Get out of my fucking life and just walk away from it. I mean, I learned that so late in life.

And like I said, I just, you know, lucked out when I met Nia, but I had friends in my life that were just fucking assholes. And I just remember one day I just woke up and I really shouldn't have to work at being friends with somebody. Like this is like work. I gotta sit there and worry, how is this person coming at me? And I just got him out of my life

and then I just kind of just, I't know came up with some sort of like Standard that if someone dipped below it that that was it they were out you're fucking off the team And now I you know I got all these great friends in my life. I don't have to fucking solid people That's essentially what you're looking for. I know I'm getting off the beaten track here, but dude, like, you got your... You're in a dream situation. Whether this works out or it doesn't, you know? And also, as much as it hurts if you get your heart broken, it's good to get one of those

out of the way. So you're all good, dude. You're all fucking good. I wouldn't worry about shit. Tell her how you fucking feel, and she either fucking accepts the fact that you're a number one draft picker, she doesn't. If she doesn't, that's her fucking loss and you move on. You go to college, you fucking crush it.

There you go. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Thank you to everyone who came out to my shows in Dublin. I apologize for the lack of air conditioning. I had such a great time and it's beyond a thrill to do what I do for a living and have people actually show up and want to watch me do it. Forget about when I leave my country and there's people from other countries that actually know of what I do and still want to come see me. It's the

fucking greatest thing ever. And I'm so psyched to get the first two under my belt. I'm fucking ready to go tonight in Belfast. I can't fucking wait. And I'm swinging for the fences this whole fucking tour because I'm getting ready. I'm getting ready for this. I'm gonna be shooting another special. I was fucking talking about Hillary last night blaming her for Bill Clinton cheating on her.

It was one of the most ignorant, stupid fucking things I've ever said on stage. It was so fucking stupid. People were basically just laughing at me, knowing that I was being an ass. And I don't know. It was kind of nice to to have that people used to do that a lot more in comedy clubs before this stupid fucking I don't know what's going on right now everybody taking everything so fucking seriously so anyways all right I'm babbling here go fuck yourselves I'll check in on you on Thursday oh where will you be on Thursday I don't even know. Belfast tonight, Galway Tuesday, Wednesday, I'll be in, oh fuck, I'll be in legendary, legendary Manchester, England. Oh, this is going to be awesome. Alright, go fuck yourselves, I'll talk to you Thursday. I'm a woman girl for you Thank you.