Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-27-20

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Bill rambles about yoga pants, folding the tent, and being a fat bastard.

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What's going on, everybody? How are you? You're making it through another week. You're Joe Six Pack. You're putting your fucking panties on one laced leg at a time. Why would you have legs on your panties? Well, maybe you were raised right. And you're not like all these hooves on the social media with half their fucking clams hanging out of the back of their yoga pants. It's her body. If she's proud of her vagina, it wants to make it look like a sock puppet inside of her sweatpants. That's her business. You know, upon further review, I've looked back at my comments about women's vaginas that I've never met and I'm disgusted with myself. And I'd like to apologize and say that I am now an ally of having your vagina lip showing through your yoga pants. See that, people? You see how that works? That is the power of all of these social justice warriors.

I just had made the ignorant statement. I canceled myself. I then apologized and became an ally all by myself. Don't know much about this bullshit, but I do know I don't give a fuck. Oh my God. Maybe I'm talking about the vagelips there. Not because of why you think. Not because I'm a bald, ignorant, sexist, tossing, like neither of dolphin meat. Dude, I saw a fucked up video. I don't know. All these boats were driving these fucking dolphins or something. Porpoises or orcas or something into the fucking, the cove there. Oh, they made a movie about it. And these fucking guys were in the goddamn water. Just like putting them in headlocks and stabbing them in the fucking head. It's just like, I was surprised that the dolphins didn't try to bite their legs.

You know, I know they don't have shark teeth. They kind of have like baby shark teeth. Baby shark teeth. You could still do some damage. Rip off an Achilles. I don't know. What a fucking job. Fucking just sitting in there, a sea of blood coming home. Hi honey, how was work? It was great. What'd you make for dinner? I made some trout. Where are you going? Yo, I'm not saying I don't love my wife. That's when you know what a guy's going to say something fucked up about his wife. It's not like I don't love my wife, but you know, it's like I'm out there in a fucking cove, committing dolphin genocide. And I come home, fish for dinner. It's like, lady, how about a burger and a fucking blow job?

Only in March. He used to be staking a blow job, but now with the new normal, it's now burger and a handy burger. No cheese, no cheese on that burger. Lettuce wrapped. Oh man, the fucking Boston Bruins got their asses whipped last night down in Tampa. No, it was in Boston. I'm just going by their jerseys and pretending that they're playing home and away games. Yeah, we just got, we got smoked. What we were worried about happened last night with Tuka Rosk leaving people. Big question mark on Halak, who my friend informed me was like something like the 271st draft pick in 2003, but he's still in the league. So that says to me, we maybe got a little Tom Brady action going on here, right? He had a tough game last night. I still believe in the guy. He's played great for us.

You know, a couple of soft goals here or there, but I mean, it happens. He has a bad game. You know what? You know what you do? You know what you do? You shake it off. Bruins are going to shake it off. We're going to tie it up in the next one. And I'm sure the entire Boston sports media is now saying this fucking series is over, which it may be. Because I think, you know, once we put in the other guy after Halak, I mean, I don't know who else we go for after that. I guess you put in the guy who's driving the fucking Zamboni hoping he's wearing some long underwear so his thighs don't get bruised. His shins, actually. I love when the sports media just they just fold the fucking tent. And I always wanted an athlete, you know, after a bad loss, you know, we've lost two in a row. We were up 1-0. Now we're down two to one. And then they just start being these negative Nellies.

And I always wanted an athlete to look across the fucking table or maybe just across that stupid fucking recorder that they have. You know, because they're not smart enough to remember anything that they heard, not because they want to get it word for word. I love that they actually record it and then they still take things out of context. It's like, how can you fuck this up? I always wanted the athlete to be like, you know what the difference between me and you is other than an astounding athletic ability, right? The Amantits is that when we lose a couple games in a row, you know, we still go positive. We're going to turn this thing around. We're going to make our adjustments and we're going to go down swinging as opposed to you fucking guys. You sports writers who just fold the fucking tent the second you see a cloud in the sky, you know? And what do they do, right? When you lose a game, do you start, you know, do the Bruins go in there and point to their gold tender?

No, they rally around the guy. What do the sports writers do? They try and take the guy out, you know? And that's why the only fucking ring a sports writer's ever going to get is a wedding ring telling him he better have his fucking article done by 11 o'clock because he's got dishes to do. I hate how negative they just quitters. They're all fucking quitters. I'm trying to think the last time I read a sports article that when your team wins the first game, loses the next two, doesn't start forecasting gloom and doom. And I'll tell you, you know, it's not just the sports writers, it's also sports fans. They do it too. And I'm telling you, there's a disease that's a little seed, you know? The first time you played hopscotch when you were a little kid and you're on one leg and you bend down to pick up the rock and you did a face plant,

you got a little fucking raspberry on your forehead. That's right there where it started to take growth, right? And you started thinking that, you know, there's something wrong with me. You avoided hopscotch after that, then you start fucking forgetting your gym class stuff so you don't have to participate, you know? And then instead of walking up to an eight in a bar, you're talking to some four, right? It's a fucking disease. And in the back of your head, there's that voice of who you should have been rather than who you became. And the only way you can drown it out is to trash the local hockey team that's now down two to one. That's my theory, all right? Now, you're listening to somebody who's overcome a lot of adversity when I was a child, okay?

I was born a white male, but I was beyond white. I was a white that was not accepted. I had orange dots all over my body. My hair was the color of a creamsicle. Sorry, I still believe in the Bruins. I think that we just have too much hot and I think we're going to rally around Halak. Halak has a great game. The next game, we tie it up 2-2. And I think none of the sports writers apologize for doubting him. I'm sure they're throwing Tuka under the fucking bus because he chose his family over whatever the fuck it is that we're watching. Hockey in August with no fans, you know?

If you told people last year, hey, this season's going to end in August, okay? And none of the regular season's going to count. We're going to do a round robin. And I don't give a fuck if you had close to 100 points. You could actually be fucking a goddamn eighth seat in three games or whatever the fucking is that they did. And there's going to be no fans. They would have been like, what the fuck, you know? But the great thing about sports is once you just start watching, you don't give a fuck because I don't give a fuck. And I am counting this fucking Stanley Cup. Whoever wins, this is a legit Stanley Cup. And because everybody's in the same boat, you know, it's not like, I don't know, they all have to participate.

So it's not like one team didn't have to and the other teams did. So I don't have a problem with it. I do have a problem with us giving up fucking seven goals. So and I think I'm going to go out on limb and think the Bruins do too. And you know what? The bottom line is Tampa Bay, you know, maybe they're going to get a little too confident. I don't fucking know. I'm just hoping they can win. Anyways, you're Philadelphia Flyers, your number one seed. Speaking of creamsicles, the Philadelphia Flyers after getting their fucking orange and white fucking butts spanked. In the first game, what did they do? They came right back, gave the Islanders the old right there, Fred.

I believe they won that one in overtime. I've not seen a second of that series. Game three is tonight and I cannot wait to watch it. I'm very excited to see these. This seems like it's an incredible matchup. And I'm psyched that it's one one because I got nothing else to do. I want to see this thing go seven games. Bruins on the other hand, I want them to fucking win the next three games in a row. But the Flyers and Islanders can just beat the shit out of each other for seven games for all I care. That's what I think.

But thank God for sports. Thank God for sports coming back because you can actually, you know, well, I'd say you can get away from the problems of the world and then now the Milwaukee Bucks aren't going to play because of everything that happened, that horrific stuff that happened in Wisconsin and then the response in Kenosha. And Jesus Christ. It's just, you know, I just don't understand, you know, and you really have to, I will say, just stay off social media because the fucking level of racists that are on there. I saw this one guy. This is actually, he's so racist like he doesn't even realize he's racist. So he's trying to justify why you would shoot a guy seven times in the back.

You know, as he's getting into his car and his kids are in there. And his response is he shows a video of a black guy fighting with cops. So like, um, maybe because of this, and he was literally defining racism. So like now because this black guy did this, that means they're all going to do it. So just shoot him. Right. I mean, that would, that is the, that is the same fucking like that would be like if I showed a picture of Charles Manson. You know, and be like, you know, that's, and then not now the cops can shoot every white guy in the back seven fucking times. Um, yeah, I just feel like there's just certain people that are just choosing not to see that there's a problem. And, um, you got to just kind of work around because I don't know shit about society or any of that crap.

But I will say that fucking 17 year old kid who just murdered those people with an assault rifle, the fact that he can walk down the street afterwards towards the cops wearing an assault rifle with his hands up. Okay. And they're like, Hey, get out of the road. Step aside, please. I mean, who would you rather be in that situation? A white guy walking down the street with an assault rifle with the arms up, or a black guy walking down the street with his arms up wearing a book bag. I'm telling you. And you know, if you think that that's for some liberal horseshit, then I agree to disagree. I mean, there's definitely, you know, I think one of the great people that I've seen in sports is Doc Rivers. And if you listen to what he said about it and the emotion that he had for it, I mean, for you to still sit there as someone who isn't him

and living his experience and tell him that what he's saying is wrong is, I mean, that's a level of fucking ego that I do not want to be around. So there you go. That's it. That's what I have to say on that shit. But as ugly as all of this is, I think it's finally come to a head. And I do think that we're going to be in a much better place after this. I don't think that those people that write that racist shit and that people that take assault rivals and just shoot unarmed innocent fucking people. And I know a little inner center out there fucking ready. It's just like it doesn't mean you can just go out and shoot them. You know, if you start rioting, yeah, you should be arrested and you know, you shouldn't just get shot by some random fucking person shot dead. Like, I don't think that you should get the death penalty for that because some citizen who's not even in law enforcement, who's actually a kid decides whatever.

No, no, no, it's brutal. Let's just let's, you know, let's pick a lighter subject and talk about how much weight I put on out there in yellow springs. Oh my God. I got ice cream twice, one milkshake. I'm trying to think of the damage I did. I got a had a roast beef sandwich with chips and an orange soda and like two root beers. I tried ratatouille. This is how much of a Pat Noswalt fan I am. I went into a restaurant. I've never seen it on the menu. And I just saw ratatouille. It was like, oh my God, Pat Noswalt was the voice in ratatouille. I will have the ratatouille. And just like the movie, I enjoyed it. A tremendous dish. I still can't tell you what it was. It was some sort of, some sort of minced meat. I don't know what it was. It was delicious. And I don't give a fuck if it was a rat. You know, it was delicious. You know, you boil those fuckers, take the hair off them.

Tastes like chicken. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. I had alligator one time and it did not taste like chicken. It tasted like weird chicken. That's the best. I'll give it. Okay. That's like all these fucking cars that, you know, try to act like they're a Porsche or a fucking BMW. It's like you're not. Okay. You're a Volkswagen and you are a Chevy Cavalier. No, I'm sorry. You're a Toyota Camry. You're not a BMW 5-series. Well, I gotta tell you, you know, you got the twin turbo. You're a little more bang for your buck. Who knows? Yeah. So I think I had already put on five pounds and then I put on like another six pounds. And so I was going, I started going to this juice place and they had these cool t-shirts and so I bought one and they're like, what size do you want? And I got the medium. I didn't get the large because I know the medium, I have to be in tip top shape to rock, as the kids say, a medium t-shirt.

All right. Now I could have made the mistake of buying the large t-shirt and just walk down the street and every three steps pull the shirt away from my belly. You know, you do that when you start getting fat. You start pulling the fucking, you know, the clingy shirt because it's showing your fucking JLo curves. You reverse JLo curves. You got a JLo ass with your stomach supposed to be. I got the medium and oh my God, I put that thing on. What a shit show. My mantits were coming out the side. My fucking arms were all, I just, I looked fucking like I was full of sugar and salt and soda, all of that. I just was carbonated shit. I just was, I look terrible. So since I've come back, I've gone back onto my diet and I was just like, all right, well, I know how this works. I just did seven days of damage, which means I'll have to do anywhere from 14 to 20 days of being a saint.

And that's, that's the sad math of trying to stay in shape because you can get on an elliptical and do an hour, come off pouring sweat. And within, depending on how fast you eat, you could eat a sleeve of Oreo cookies in under 10 minutes. And I don't know, I don't know how long you have to be on an elliptical to burn that off because there is nothing in there that you need. And it's just going to go right to your mantits, right to your fucking back fat. It's going to be hanging off the underside of your jaw. So anyway, that's what that's what I've been doing because I need to get back in shape because I'm vain. And number two, I have some social distance shows coming up. All right. Everybody is learning from what Dave is doing out there in Ohio and Bert Kreischer and all these guys and they're getting it down and they got it down to like a science.

So I'm going to be doing some shows that I will be announcing very soon, probably before my next podcast. And I am very excited to go do it. It's going to be like the old days where I'm going to be doing two shows a night in front of like 300 people. And I'll have to do like 9000 shows in the week so I can keep the lights on. But my act is going to be tight as a motherfucker. So I'm looking, I'm really looking forward to it. And yeah, and I'm going to go off because I want the freedom that I had that I used to have as a committee where I could just say whatever the fuck I wanted to say. I really want to get back to that. And I don't know. I'm telling jokes. I mean, what's the worst case scenario?

They end my acting career that doesn't really exist. So then I just do a podcast and do stand up. I mean, that's kind of a great existence. And considering all the amazing dad time I've had with my kids like that wouldn't bother me to just do that. I mean, I obviously I wouldn't want to be have a bunch of fucking hairy leg chicks fucking get mad at me. Although it would be fun to talk about the hairy legs, even if they didn't have them and just be like, oh, I thought I just, you know, you were painting with a broad brush. No pun intended. I figured I could do it too. Can I? No, it's just the way you do it. But when we're sexist, it's brave. Anyway, let me do a little, a little advertising read here.

Candid, Candid, you know, there hasn't been a whole lot to smile about these last few months. Oh, it's negative. Come on, man. How about all the fucking home cooked meals? Everybody now right now is like smiling through like gridded teeth. Yeah, it's so good to have my family every day. But things are getting better. There you go, Candid. There you go. Speaking of which, wait a minute, I got a pause on this read. Did you guys read, you got to read Jerry Seinfeld's article that he wrote in the New York Times.

Some comedy club owner said, New York is dead and I'm leaving. And that fucking article that Jerry Seinfeld wrote, I'm telling you, is everything that is missing in the Democratic and the Republican Party right now. All right. It was positive. It was confident. It had swagger. He was talking shit. This is New York. We've been through way worse than this. And if you're too much of a pussy to fuck it, I don't want to put words in his mouth. But basically, that's what I've needed since the beginning of this. All right. I needed my fellow, the first ginger president and look what he does. I needed him to get on there and just be like, this is the greatest country. This is America.

This is America. We will defeat this the way we defeated the Germans and the Japanese and then the way we said we defeated the North Vietnamese. I needed that. That's what I needed. All right. We're going to find a cure. Fucking relax. Everybody wear a goddamn mask. Stay away from each other. We will defeat this and we will continue on as the greatest nation on Earth. Yes. That's what I needed. And it's just been a bunch of, oh, they started and it came from here and these people won't let me do this on both sides of the aisle. Everybody just wetting their pants. That's what I want come November. I don't give a fuck who wins. I want a leader. I want somebody that's going to come back in the locker room and have us all running out for the next fucking goddamn half ready to fucking, you know,

light somebody up. That's what I want. I'm not going to get it. We got two ballless fucking octogenarians. Oh boy. Jesus Christ. I got an idea. Why don't we stop vetting people so people with balls can run for office again? Because I swear to God, now you just got these fucking Mambi Pambi. I don't know. I don't know what happened. Jesus Christ. Anyways, candid everybody. You know, there hasn't been a whole lot to smile about these last few months, but things are getting better. Please talk about things you see improving. I see my mantits coming down since I came back from the road.

I see, you know, I see a nice clean house. It's getting tough here. What else do I see improving? I got the new iPhone and it's better than my last one. For example, being able to physically be around friends, family, sporting events, sporting events starting back up. Thank you, candid. Sporting events starting back up, doing stand up out in a cornfield. I got some stand updates coming. The sun's coming over the horizon. There we go. Got back to flying helicopters. You know, there's a good thing. Woke up this morning. I took a shower, you know, felt good.

Did a little bit of stretching. Who is it? I'm in the middle of an ad read. Those are things you can't help but smile about, right? Do you have a mega smile, mega watch smile to show off? Do you, Nia? No? Well, my friends over at Candid can help. Candid clear aligners are comfortable, removable and totally invisible, unlike wire braces. So you can transform your smile without anyone noticing. Plus, your treatment is prescribed and monitored remotely by a licensed orthodontist who's an expert in tooth improvement. Oh, yeah. There's no reason. There's no reason not to have a nice, beautiful smile these days.

They got the technology. Candid only works with orthodontists, never general dentists like other companies. Ooh, shots fired. And with some of those other companies, you may never hear from a doctor as you go through the treatment. That's ridiculous. With Candid, your treatment includes remote monitoring by the same orthodontist who created your plan so you never have to wonder how you're doing. You always know. I love that. All right. I don't want a garbage collector doing my teeth. Oh, that's a little rough on dentist. You know, I don't want a garbage collector rewiring my house. I don't want an electrician putting the trash in the back of the truck. You know, you're an orthodontist. Do orthodontist stuff, right? That's how it is.

All right. The average Candid treatment is just six months. You'll start seeing results way before them and cost an average of 50% less than Invisalign. Oh, my God. This is like one of those old school rap battles. Like, is Invisalign going to have an answer ad? We shall see. Ready to take the first step toward getting your dream smile? You can't wait to show off. Get started today from the comfort of your own home with Candid's risk-free starter kit and $75 off. Go to Candidco.com slash burr and use the code burr.

That's Candid. Capital C dash O. Sorry about that. C-A-N-D-I-D. Capital C dash O.com slash burr. Code burr for your risk-free starter kit and $75 off. Candid C dash O.com slash burr. Code burr. And it's not underscore. It's the dash. All right. How much time have I done here? 26. What's up? They got to measure the windows. Oh, for God fucking sakes. Can a guy do it? Are they here?

Are they listening to me screaming and yelling? They're not here. So I can be here for another four minutes, right? No, he's here. He's just waiting in the foyer. Is he listening to me screaming? So I'm going to be in here screaming fucking all that? Whether it's a guy measuring windows? Do you want to go upstairs? Well, I would like the last four minutes of my podcast not be not me wandering around the house trying to figure out, you know what? Maybe I will do that.

But it is something interesting to people, you know, you go downstairs to your own podcast studio. What is all that shit in my glass? Jesus Christ. Anyway, no, Neil, Neil, let me come back up. Let me get up there first. All right. I don't have a mask. For fuck's sakes. You know, a man's home is his castle unless you're a podcaster without a studio. Then you can just go fuck yourself. All right, now I gotta go back all the way up these fucking stairs. All right, hang on, hang on. Live mic, live mic.

Coming through, coming through. Oh, geez, all hell is breaking loose. Okay, everybody, let's relax. Okay, anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, you can get your teeth straightened out. Yeah, stop looking like you're from Britain. You know, you sick of being called Austin Powers. You know, to people start to laugh at your joke and then you smile and then they recoil in horror. And you look over your shoulder and look for an axe murderer.

And it turns out they're just looking at your crooked teeth. Oh my God, there's no place to be in the house. I just, you know what? I filled it up. I filled up the house with people. All right, here we go. All right, he's back. He's back. He's back in the saddle again. All right, so what was that? How much did that take up? Oh, it took up all my, all right, I got one more minute to go and then I'm done. Yay.

Anyway, so tonight, tonight I'm going to be watching, what did I say? The Flyers versus the Friggin Islanders. I'm going to be keeping it positive. I'm going to believe in people. And if you want my vote in November, I want to hear some new Rockney speeches. That's what I want. Okay, put on one of those stupid Hollywood sports movies. There's anything worse than, I might have to name any movies,

but when they do the underdog guy making the team, and then they pick the smallest fucking actor they possibly can fight. So I was like, this guy wouldn't make the fucking team. You couldn't have just cast it for a few more weeks and found somebody with some shoulders. But he did the best soliloquy in the audition, although it does work the other way because I remember Spike Lee did that movie. What did he do? He got game and I believe he used Ray Allen.

He also used Rick Fox, can fucking act. Rick Fox is a good fucking actor, god damn it. What am I doing, Bill? Have you ever made a fucking movie? Why don't you shut the fuck up? Fair enough, but I've watched a lot of them. All right, so I am continuing on. I had a tofu scramble and I hate tofu, but I actually got a good recipe for it.

It's a little bit like one of those extra firm tofu. His stand-up from the 80s. How do you know when tofu is cooked? It doesn't brown up or anything. It doesn't seem to anyway. I just want to give a shout out to everybody who's going to tell me how bad tofu is for me. That also fucking takes an edible every night and then you're going to tell me that that's good and you're expanding your mind and creating more distance between you and apes.

Whatever that whole fucking theory is. It's like an eighth of a teaspoon of turmeric and you take the whole fucking brick. I kind of like tofu though when it comes out because I feel like a drug dealer. Like I got a key of cocaine. I have a really difficult time not taking that gelatinous shit and just rubbing it on my gums and reenacting every fucking cop show I watched when I was growing up. Then you mush it down with the fork and then you stir in the turmeric. The turmeric is good for your liver or some shit.

I don't know what it's good for. But what's funny is then it actually kind of looks like scrambled eggs. Then you throw like a cup of fucking spinach in there. Even though you've drained off the water, there's still enough water in there. You don't have to put anything in the pan and you just sort of cook it. I just look at the spinach. When the spinach is all wilted and done, then I take the shit out. Meanwhile, while you're doing that, you make a little pesto sauce.

Which is three cups of basil leaves, a quarter cup of raw cashews. Then it was like four tablespoons of water, two tablespoons of lemon juice, two tablespoons of olive oil, and one clove of garlic minced. Put them in a, what is it, a word processor? Right. There's your pesto. You put it on top of the fucking, that's going to be your flavor basically. Because you've noticed I didn't put any salt or any of that shit on the fucking tofu.

So I've been having that. I'll finish that up tomorrow. And then I have these banana muffins that are made out of buckwheat flour that I swear to God. You need like a gallon of water to get them down your throat. They're so fucking healthy, right? There's nothing moist or exciting about them. Yeah. And then I got another one that, this is how I get back in shape.

I got this other recipe where you take this, I don't even know what to call it. I think it's, it's not squash. Yeah, I think it's squash. You have them, right? Cut the fucking thing, you scoop the seeds out. All right? You just rub them down with olive oil. Not in a creepy way.

You ask their consent, right? You rub them down and then you put some salt on them. Then you put them on a cookie sheet face down. I think it like 350 for like an hour. You know, you just look at them. When the skins really start browning up and they get soft. Then you're supposed to be able to take a fork and make these spaghetti fucking noodles out of them. It never works for me.

So I just scoop the fucking things out. And I put a little Parmesan cheese in there and mix it up. I mash it down with a masher like mashed potatoes. I put a little Parmesan cheese in there. And then I just, a little salt and pepper. And then I just do like layers like lasagna. I put a little ricotta cheese between the two of them. Put them back in, into the broiler.

You know, brown it up a little bit. Oh, there's some arugula in there too. And then when I go to eat it, I'll put like a little bed of arugula and then I put that shit on top. And it fucking fills you up and you wake up the next day and your stomach is a little flatter. There's a couple of fucking Billy No Fat Tits dishes for you. Give those a whirl or whatever. Just look up what I just talked about. And they'll surely give you a better recipe or some shit.

So that's it. Oh, Billy Fat again. Billy Fat Tits. Billy, pasty boobs. I was thinking, is there an alliteration word for titties that gives you the P? For that, I guess not. Hey Bill, just a reminder to check out that email. Jesus Christ, it never ends.

Okay, that's it. That's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Try to be a leader out there and just do social justice, something or other. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, August 27th, 2012. How's it going? I'm actually recording this Sunday night because I got a bunch of shit to do tomorrow

and I got this burst of energy on Sunday and I was like, you know what, I'm going to take care of all the fucking shit that I'm going to hate to have to do tomorrow morning. You know, going to pay the bills, going to go down to fucking Winchells and go get a pretzel. You don't give a fuck, right? Who the fuck eats there, by the way? What is Winchells? Do they make hot dogs? They just make that shit-ass fucking food that fat, pasty white people just can't get enough of. You know, that's how you fucking do it. All these athletes taking the roids, you don't need that.

You go down to the food court, Orange Julius. You go to that place that doesn't like the queers, that makes the chicken sandwiches, right? You get some fries from them. I love how that's part of it. You guys have seen that, the Chick-fil-A. They don't like gay people. Chick-fil-A, we don't like the gay. If you're straight, you can eat our fucking burger. If you ain't, you know, then I think you're getting enough meat in your life, buddy.

The fuck year are we living in? More importantly, how much fucking money are you making selling chicken that you can get rid of that portion, that amount of people in the population? You know, why the fuck are you acting like you're McDonald's Chick-fil-A? You're not. You know, you're not even Popeyes. Forget about KFC, the fucking Babe Ruth Michael Jordan of feeding people unhealthy chicken. You know, that's your goddamn God.

That's your fucking Led Zeppelin right there, the chicken industry. Right there, that old fucking plantation owner, that slave. That's how much, that's how fucking good they are, cooking chicken. They have a goddamn, who looks like a fucking slave owner. Straight out of that movie, Roots, as their mascot, or their spokesperson. You know what I mean? At least Wendy's has that non-threatening, sort of fucking fat white guy, you know, who looks like he loves his wife, but probably, you know, steals from the company.

If he's in the accounting division, doesn't he, he actually does look, that guy, the guy from Wendy's does not look honest, 100% honest. He looks like a real swell guy, who one day the feds would show up and raid his house and grab his hard drive. And then he'd come out weeping, and his family would be all stunned at the double life that they weren't aware that he was leading. Doesn't he look like that? Can't you just see his stupid glasses fogging up, you know, and then of course,

he'd get convicted, right? They'd go through all the bullshit, Nancy Grace with their fucking angry hellboy head would be sitting there, you know, the fucking female Jim Rome, right? Getting all fucking pissed off with flames going behind her. And then what would happen? Eight months later, Brian Gumbel would show up, or maybe he'd send that fucking vampire, grandpa Munster there, Frank DeFord, and they would go and interview the guy, right? The Wendy's guy, and he'd be sitting there in his fucking jumpsuit, you know,

you know, you know, like his pudgy hands just ringing them together. And they'd just be like, where does it all go wrong? I mean, I mean, you had to think at some point you were going to get caught, don't you? I mean, what were you thinking? And then he'd just be like, I don't know what I was thinking. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Tonight on 60 Minutes, that fat fuck from Wendy's who you thought was an honest guy. Guess now, he's a piece of shit.

Does that make you feel better about your life? You fucking cunt? Well, why don't you go walk into the mirror and rather than just fucking brush your teeth, you look into it and really think about some of the shit that you've done. You know, and maybe if you fucking had some talent in life, you could have been a piece of shit at that level. Or it'd be worthy of telling your piece of shit stories on 60 Minutes or some other investigative news program.

Bill, where the fuck are you going with this? I'll tell you where I'm going with this. Lance Armstrong won that goddamn bike race. He did it seven times in a fucking row. All right, and now you're telling me he didn't? He did. Our fucking roided up guy beat your roided up guys seven fucking times in a row. And I don't care how you slice it, how you dice it, whatever the fuck you do.

Go fuck yourself. They were all doping. Therefore, it's an even playing field. It's like the 2004 fucking Boston Red Sox when they beat the Yankees. Our roided up guys beat your roided up guys. That's level. That's a level playing field. I can't fucking believe those cunts. They just kept coming at them and coming at them and then finally everybody fucking cracked.

You know, a bunch of goddamn pussies all lining up to fucking rat the guy out. Is there any like, you know, wasn't half the fun when you were growing up, when the teacher knew you did something but couldn't fucking prove it and knew that you knew who the fuck did it and you just sat there and you wouldn't fucking say shit and you got to watch this person in power be defeated. You know, what the fuck are they going to do to you? Why did these other bike ride and jackasses all crumble? What were they threatening you with? I don't fucking get it.

Let me ask you, how the fuck is Lance Armstrong's cheating but these old roided up guys you see at night, the night time that's cynogenics, they're not cheating, they're on fucking HGH. They didn't earn their six pack, I got none of this shit's getting taken away. Go fuck yourself, alright, he won the thing, he won it seven times in a fucking row. I don't give a shit. Barry Bonds hit the most fucking homeruns of all time, alright, and he did it. You just say he did it during the Royd era, that's all.

We're all going to be on him, you know, it's going to happen. No one wants to have a chicken neck, no one wants to have your fucking tits that you never had before now sliding into your fucking stomach. Your stomach's just a slit, you know, that's how fat you get as you get older when your fucking navel looks like a fucking ass crack or somebody sleeping on a couch on its side, right? All the way down to your old fucking ball bag, you don't want that, you want to be shredded. Okay, it's already starting, old people are taking these fucking things.

For what? Because they're trying to make division one football? No, because they want to look good. Okay? And how do we know how to give it to these people? Because they're heroes, like fucking Lance Armstrong all the way back to La-Lel Zeta. They put this shit in their fucking bodies, and you know, those fucking cunts out there in Silicon Valley, they got to watch what happened.

Slowly make improvements. I'm telling you. But then 15 years, I guarantee fucking to you, there's going to be kids sprinkling HGH under their fucking corn flakes, wondering why Lance Armstrong wasn't allowed to say that he won that fucking bike race seven years in a row. I got fucking news for you. If you want to see people not on roids, try and ride a bicycle up a fucking mountain for six fucking weeks in a row, whatever the hell it is.

You want to see them do that all natural, that's going to be the most boring shit you've ever seen in your life. You might as well watch me do it at that point. My fucking head turning all red, wheezing, just looking at the mountain. All right, it's some superhero shit. Okay, there's no fucking Santa Claus. It's over. All right?

Do you think this shit's going to end? We're going to move on to bionic people next. They're literally going to take out the bottom of people's legs below the fucking kneecap, and they're going to put a strut in there just like they do in a car. And then white people are going to be dunking, and then black people are going to be like, dude, what the fuck? Give me some bionic legs. Then you have a fucking Michael Jordan with bionic legs.

I'm telling you. By 2030, the goddamn backboard in the NBA is going to be up where all those Celtics championship banners are. That's my theory. Give me a fucking break. I was really rooting for that guy. Not that I like cheaters. It's, you can't ride a bike 60 miles an hour up and down a fucking mountain without being on some. Why is everybody acting like this is a surprise?

And they used to see these fucking douchebag people in the media, right? They all can't fucking wait to jump all over Lance Armstrong's. Why? Because they sucked in gym class. And you know, you know the deal in high school. You don't get any pussy because you got an A in creative writing. All right? And then these fucking little smarty kids, they see these meathead athletes walking around with their fucking abs and their pecs.

Going, oh, fucking give me the ball, right? And they just sit there going, why is she sucking the dick that fucking moron? And it just, it bugs them. And they can't wait. They can't wait for the day. But when one of them gets caught doing something for them to be fat and coming back to the reunion, you know, and they can be there like, oh, I fucking write for this paper. Huh? And then they go over to that cheerleader used to be good.

Now faces all fucking shiny with the Botox, but he still fucking grabs it by a fucking hair at this point, right? You know, he's got that, you know, that you're not an old lady, but you're not a young lady hair, you know, where it starts to be extremely flammable after all the years of highlight. And it's like a fucking goddamn bird's nest, you know, sort of a dude's haircut at that point, but they added some sort of little flip to it, you know. So it's still technically a feminine haircut and you just fucking jamming it down towards your slacks. Right? So this is what this douche had to say. This is what this, oh, by the way, I forgot to say this at the top of the podcast. This podcast is brought to you.

Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit audible.com slash bill for your free audio book download. Huh? Why would you want to read when someone can read it for you? Why would you want to ride a bike up a damn mountain without having roids injected into you? I don't want to do that. There's a reason why people don't ride a bike to work when they live on the other side of a fucking mountain. All right, because it hurts your legs.

You need something beyond vitamins. How fucking exciting is the Tour de France? Fucking, I love it. I don't care that they're on roids. Give them more fucking roids. Make them go faster. One go fast. One go fast.

Make them go fast. I don't give a fuck. All right, so this is what this fucking douchebag wrote. He's sitting there. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes as most of, basically, Lance tapped out. All right? He said, I refuse to participate.

If he saw this whole, like, basically, ever seen that old show, This Is Your Life? It was just like the game show where everybody ever knew was going to come walking out rather than me and like, remember I taught you how to ride a tricycle? It's not going to be that. It's going to be a bunch of old people going, I injected them in his buttocks. And you didn't want to deal with that, which I can't blame him. But I got to admit, they were going after him the way they were going after Michael Jackson. You know, when I said he was fucking touching kids.

And I actually read an article one time of some fucking, some guy wrote and he was sitting there and actually watched the trial. As opposed to me, who just kind of walked by TVs in the airport and looked at Michael's weird nose and we're like, yeah, he did it. Right? This guy actually was at the trial and he said he couldn't believe that it actually went to trial. That's how fucking weak the case was. You know, that being said, I wouldn't leave a fucking bullfrog with that maniac. I don't know what his fucking dad did to him, but that's a whole different story. It's probably a bad point.

That point actually probably just weakened my fucking argument here. Anyways, this is what this fucking douche who never got picked in gym class wrote. He's saying at this point he did. Okay. And all his friends are going to come out and basically say that he did do it. You know, can you stop yelling at me now fucking pussies? He goes at. Anyways, Armstrong show what the fuck was going to happen.

So as the guy writes at this point, at that point, he did what he'd never done before. He gave up the pugnacious Texan continue to proclaim his innocence. But when the time came for him to hear his friends and associates incriminate him and try to refute their accusations, Armstrong said, said it just wasn't worth the trouble. All right. He says I refuse and Armstrong said I refuse to participate in the process that is so one sided and unfair. Attempting whatever instead instead he's going to focus on serving people and families affected by cancer attempting to be the fittest 40 year old on the planet. I love that the fact that he did roids somehow negates the fact that he came back from basically you're going to die level cancer. I had to leave one ball on the table.

You know what I mean? I mean, the fact that he could even sit on a fucking bicycle seat ever again to me is pretty fucking amazing. You know, I walk up my fucking stairs and and I'm winded. So anyways, the results means he'll be stripped of every metal and title he won going back to August 1998. The exact fucking thing that this nerd writer wants take away all his shiny stuff that I don't know how to win. His extraordinary career will be vaporized from the record books. He apparently won't even be allowed to compete in sanctioned triathlons. His recent interest blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then he adds this shit here. He goes his most devoted admirers may take his word that he was being railroaded by a vindictive body using unfair tactics. But really what else could a guilty person say in the face of so much evidence? What evidence that people were going to say he did it? I don't get how first of all, what's what the fuck I don't get. They had a hard on for this guy when he was winning. You know, you should have caught him then. What does the statute of limitations run out on this shit?

New evidence suggests. What did you just find a video of the guy fucking injecting him? I don't know. Anyways, the agency also found that blood tests from 2009 indicated he was doping. None of this is all fucking hearsay at this point, right? His most devoted admirers may take his word that he was being railroaded by a vindictive body using unfair tactics. But really what else would it go? The story is a particular shame because Armstrong, who survived a 1996 bout with testicular cancer that had spread to his abdomen and lungs

was such an inspiration to so many cancer victims. He used his fame to found Livestrong, a foundation that provides support to victims of the disease. So what are you telling me now that people who have cancer are now looking at this guy as if he's still not like a fucking hero? The guy came back from ball cancer that had spread to his abdomen and his lungs and won a fucking THE best bike race. The hardest bike race on the planet. He won it seven years in a fucking row. And bang, shallow, shallow crow. Right?

You're telling me this guy's not still a hero? Let me ask you this person who wrote this fucking article. Huh? Let me ask you this. What about you? What if you have a fucking one? That you're gonna sit here and judge a guy like this. Didn't even fucking go to trial. And you're gonna sit here and talk about this fucking guy like that.

What the fuck did you ever do? You never cheated on any of your articles? You never cheated on your wife? You never cheated on your taxes? Go fuck yourself. Why does this bother me so much? I don't even fucking know why it's bugging me. You know?

You know what it is? If everybody else in the top 20 is doing the shit, they all got caught too. Alright? Then it's a fucking level playing field. He's so much fucking better than those other guys. Not only did he win the race, you still couldn't even catch him. You couldn't catch him on a bike or in the fucking lab. All those other bozos who just sitting there staring at his ass the entire fucking race,

they all got caught, right? Whatever. I'm trying. Alright. There you go. 18 fucking minutes ranting and raving about a fucking bike race. Alright. Evoise everybody. Wouldn't it be great if you could start a business in your cubicle without your boss knowing about it?

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or go to the banner ad on my podcast page at billburr.com. We actually had a listener raving about it starting his own business on Twitter. Sent me a great tweet about it. I should really retweet that, but the people at Evoise were doing backflips. They were so excited that somebody actually used it and had the results that they claimed. So there you go. You're trying to start your own business. All right.

Back to the podcast. What else happened? Oh, the Red Sox. The Red Sox had a fire sale. I love it. I got to tell you this. I absolutely love it. Okay.

And I'm just equating the Red Sox basically to Van Halen. This is basically what happened. We had David Lee Roth. Everything was great. 2004, maybe 2007 after we won the second one. That's like 2004 to 2007. That was like Van Halen won all the way to 1984. All right.

And then what happened? Tito left. David Lee left. And now we got Sammy Hagar. Now we just dumped all the players. So that to me is like Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony aren't in the band anymore. And now we got Gary Chiron. No, Gary Chiron's in.

I don't know what to tell you. All I can tell you is this is what I love about this. What I love about my own team, just shit in the bed. The way that they do is I love the empty seats. I love it. I love seeing all the bandwagon go home like the bandwagon pussies that I knew you were. You weren't there when we sucked. You showed up when we started getting good and you wrote it out like all those fucking cunts who fill up the stadium now.

Every time the Patriots play a game. Where the fuck were you back when we had that shitty stadium with the aluminum seats? Where were you? Huh? You were nowhere. You were sitting at home. Drinking hot cocoa with your fucking slippers on. You know, and I know a lot of people right now are probably going to be going,

Yeah, good fucking boys to bitch. Fucking suck. Fuck you. All right. Look at your own goddamn stadium. You want to see what your fan base is? If you really want to see the true fan base of your team, go to a game when they suck on any level. Hockey, basketball, baseball, football, rugby, fucking, tiddlywinks, whatever it is.

When your team sucks and the people that go, those are the diehards. I can't believe there's already empty seats at Fenway Park after everything that that team's done for that city. Okay. We're only 11 months in. They've had an 11 month bad run. I was back there in Boston, all these fucking people crying, pissing and moaning. A bunch of fucking babies. You know what the greatest thing about the bandwagon people leaving is,

I think it ups the chance of that stupid song to be discontinued during the seventh inning stretch. Is there any way we can sell that song to the Dodgers too? Is there any way we can just get rid of that? Sweet Caroline. Bop, bop, bop. Ugh. You know, if I was a dictator and I was looking to trim down the population, I wouldn't play that song in the public square with the banner of my face, you know, all around it.

And I would play that and whoever sang along, that would be it. The black van would show up to your fucking house and you would be, you would be, you would be automatically signed up for my reeducational program, which basically involves your skull being used as a fucking lamp post. Um, sorry, that doesn't even make sense. Lampshade maybe? I don't know what the fuck. What am I trying to say? A footstool. There you go. Um, so I'm actually excited. I think it's a great fucking thing. I think it's great for the Red Sox Yankees rivalry.

You know, Red Sox suck so much that now they don't have to fucking amp it up, that they're gonna face each other and then that can just, you know, back off for a little bit. And then maybe in a couple of years it gets good again, you know, as opposed to be like, they're meeting again 27 times this year. 200 million versus 180. Who gives a fuck? It's over. So I want to thank the Red Sox for fucking back to like all the way from 1999 on, I haven't had a fucking problem with you guys. It's been fucking an absolute joy to watch you play. All right. It's been fucking great.

And now you're going through the rough times and, you know, I'm still gonna watch. I can't fucking wait to watch whatever the fuck is left of this team play in September. You know, I don't know why. Can you, can you people in Boston do me a favor? Can you guys, can we start a movement to start booing that fucking song during the seventh inning stretch? Can somebody start a website? Can somebody, okay? I'm lighting the match. Somebody go get the gas. Let's just, let's just go for a total clean slate here. All right. It's starting over again. For some reason, Bobby, they're sticking with Bobby V.

I don't know why. And for some reason, the more he goes out and yells at umpires, I'm actually starting to like the guy. All right. So he's on hold, but can we, can we just get rid of that fucking song? You know, one of the great things I used to tease Yankee fans about was the fact that they sang YMCA during the seventh inning stretch. Okay. I never understood why they did it. The, the legendary franchise that it is. I just, you're singing this village people song and everybody in the stands is going, YMCA, douchebags are douchebags are not real Yankee fans.

They're not doing it. They're fucking sitting there. You know, I don't know what they're doing. Pulling their hat down over their eyes. It's fucking embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Okay, but that's not my fucking problem. Can we please, as a Red Sox fan who started watching back when they actually had red hats, that clown hat that they wore in the seventies. First game I went to was in, in 78, the summer of 78, by the way. Um, was it 78? Yeah, 78. Yeah. Can we please let's start with the song. Let's get rid of the song. This will be like a fan fire sale. We'll get, we'll start with the song and then next will be that fucking mascot.

Okay. And, uh, I don't know where to go from there because I don't live there anymore. Those two fucking things annoy the shit out of me. Get that struggling actor out of that fucking suit. Okay. I hate mascots. I've said this before, I hate when you talk to them when there's no kids around and they still won't say anything. And you're like, Hey, what's going on? And they do that fucking, you know, I smoke crystal meth fucking psycho nod at you.

You know, it's insulting. I know you're in there. Um, anyways, this is such a weird fucking podcast so far. Um, I'm just going to go off on shit this week and then I'm just going to read advertising. How does that work for you guys? Legal zoom everybody. Legal zoom. Would you like to get incorporated? Would you like to write out a will? Would you like to, to copyright something that you invented and you don't want some big corporation to steal it from you? You don't want your eggs to start having the aftertaste of almonds.

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Sorry. All right, so if you get confused, don't just sit there and wait for a lawyer to help you out. You call them up and they're going to help you. Okay? There you go. Back to the podcast. All right. So, see my dog. My dog is so adorable. Just laying there sleeping. You want to hear how she sounds when she's sleeping? You know what? I'm not going to because I'm going to put the microphone up to her nose and all it's going to do is going to wake her up. And you guys are not going to see how adorable she is because this is not a visual medium in case you haven't noticed. So, I'm really going to do is just wake her up. Anyways, I've been off this whole week. I'm off next week and then it's fucking on.

I'm torn like a goddamn band. Speaking of which, I saw Truth and Salvage Company at the Troubadour on Friday night. And if you get a chance to see those guys live, if you're sick of auto-tune and a bunch of people acting like they're singing, but they're not singing because they got to do a bunch of dance steps. If you would just like to see a band of talented musicians, everybody in the band can sing their asses off. It's everything that's great about music. First of all, I've never been to the Troubadour and I always heard about that, obviously being a Guns N' Roses fan. So, before I went over there, look it up on Wikipedia.

I'll try to give you a link or something like that for it. But just the amount of people that started out there, you know, it just was mind-blowing. All those singer-songwriter people that were out in LA and lived in Laurel Canyon, the Joni Mitchell's, the James Taylor's, all the way through, right through to who else did they have there? I can't remember. It was just a who's who of everybody. And then Guns N' Roses, of course, performed there back when Axl had like two tattoos. They got all the pictures on the wall. So I was psyched to go there. I thought it was going to be this huge place that only held like maybe 350 people.

Really intimate setting. And I went down there and they absolutely smashed it. And they're actually out here recording a new album. Truth and Salvage Company. Check them out if you like real music. Alright? And that wasn't a paid advertisement. That came from the fucking hut. Alright, here we go. So anyways, I am on the road traveling like a band. Alright? Not this pussy comedy shit where it's one week and then I sit at home staring at my toes and then maybe I'll do another two days.

This is hardcore. I am traveling, I believe for the next fucking six weeks, maybe every weekend I'm working. Alright? Here we go. Orlando Improv, September 7th, 8th and 9th. You know, I was going to try to go to a Gators game. Florida Gators, right? Drive up and go to a game course to fucking not playing sons of bitches. Is there anything else near there? The Seminoles? Where the fuck do they play? I got to see some Florida College football when I'm there. I'm in Orlando. If you can recommend something, let me know.

Bill at billbird.com. Alright, Comedy Zone. Charlotte, North Carolina, September 13th, 14th and 15th. And then my triumphant return. I love saying that. I'm just coming back to New York, but I call it my triumphant return is if I went off and conquered something. Actually, this is the rescheduled date, the Caroline's date, September 20th, 21st, 22nd and 23rd. I will be working with the one and only Teen Idol sensation from the Open Anthony radio program.

Joey Rosa's, Joe DeRosa will be there. Loaning his headlining services. Okay? To be a feature act. Something he doesn't do. He's just doing it for a pal. Something he's way beyond. This guy sold millions of records, everybody. Millions of Joey Rosa's fans cannot be wrong. He's going to be in the feature act.

And opening is one of my new favorite comics out there is this kid, Sean Patton. He's fucking awesome. So that's going to be a great show. Alright, and then the week after that, I'm going to be at the Comedy Zone in Jacksonville, Florida. Okay. How about a little pause here and a round of applause for the amount of white trash people I am going to be serving and dancing for in fucking September, Orlando, Florida. Who goes there unless you go into Disney World? Nobody. Maybe if you're a whore and you want to blow Tiger Woods, I don't know. Right?

Comedy Zone, Charlotte, North Carolina. And then after that, I'm in fucking two weeks later, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida. Okay. Am I doing stand up or am I got a reoccurring role on East Bounded Down? Okay, you tell me. This should be a jet ski at the end of this fucking tour. That's all I'm saying. After that, I go to Go Bananas in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Alright? That's Cincinnati is one of those cities that even people in Cincinnati don't go to. They leave. It's one of those cities right at five o'clock. Everybody leaves zombie fucking town, just like Cleveland, just like Buffalo. Just like all of those fucking Rust Belt goddamn towns, people just leave. And I'm sitting there walking down the street. It's scary, but I'm going to be there at Go Bananas.

Then after that, I go to fucking Sydney, Australia. Hopefully I go to Sydney, Australia. Fucking breaking my balls with all this shit they want me to give them. So I actually set this tour up because I thought my special was going to be coming out October 1st, but the people at Netflix were so damn excited. They're such great people. They're like, Bill, why don't we put it out now? What are we waiting for?

I said, okay. Right. So now I got all these fucking back to back dates to put together my new hour. So please come down. Say hello. Laugh at a couple of jokes. Two for one. Joey roses telling you one of you in what in his final engagement is a feature act.

All right. What else do we got here? Did I tell you guys I'm trying to learn how to make homemade pizza? How bad do I need to just have a fucking kid already? How many more hobbies can I start? Oh, look who's up. It's Cleo. Come here, buddy.

Come here. Come over here. Come over here. You know, all fucking day long, you've been coming over here being all needy. And the one time I call you with the goddamn microphones on, you won't come over. Right. Once I know, I always use this reference, but it's like that goddamn frog. Right.

Remember, we were singing for that construction worker in that cartoon. Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Right. And he go to show it to people and then just go. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to learn how to make pizza. If anybody has a good recipe for a sauce, because that's where it's all about that in

the fucking crust. All right. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. Let's plow ahead here. What do I have? What else have I written down here that I want to talk about bombing? Oh, Jesus. I ate my balls at the comedy store Saturday night, just for like the first like minute

and a half, because you know what I was doing? I was opening with the bit that's on my new special that I opened with the fact I was talking about wanting to get a gun. So I just kind of, you know, had always been opening with that. And now that my specials out there, I'm so delusional. I just automatically assume that everyone who's ever going to go to a comedy club, my dog needs a bath. It's in Cleo enough.

Come here. Get over here. So anyways, I've been sorry, got to give her the old next scratch here. There you go. There you go, your motherfucker. Get out of here. Yeah. So I've been opening with that.

So I was like, well, it's been on once it's on TV. I can't I got it. I got to dump the joke. So I had this weird thing where I was going out there and I knew everything that I was going to talk about. I just didn't know what I was going to open with. So I was like, yeah, just fucking, I don't know. And I wasn't feeling funny.

And it was, it was a long two, three minutes before I kind of got it going. And then I was like, it just wasn't clicking for me. And it was, you know, something that really wasn't even a part of like building a new hour. It just had to do with the fact that I haven't been on stage for a minute. And it's just like going to the gym. I was getting winded in my Cleo. Fucking scratch for the rest of the podcast.

You need a bath. You know that you need a bath. Go back to sleep. You were doing great. Fucking dog. I swear to God, this thing, it sleeps like 20 hours a day. You know, all this shit that they say about pit bulls being vicious and that type of thing. I don't know when they do it.

All you really have to do it. If you get a dog is just watch it for that critical four hours when it's awake and you've got it. You're fine. All right, let's get, let's get to a goddamn question here. Advice exotic pets. Bill, last week I was laid off from my office cubicle job of four years. I am now a 25 year old unemployed college student, struggling to make rent.

My heart goes out to you brother, but at least you're 25. You're not fucking married. You don't have any kids. That's the bright side. And I know you don't need to hear that. All right. All right. Here we go.

Can't go back to my parents as they are halfway across the planet in Taiwan. Now my question is, do I continue to, do I continue trying to get back in the rat race or do I follow my dream of becoming an exotic pet reptile breeder? Jesus Christ. How the fuck do I, are you just fucking with me? This is your dream. Well, you know what? You are from Taiwan.

I imagine everything that's considered exotic over here is like nothing. You know, I bet over in Taiwan instead of getting like a bicycle as a four year old, they give you like a defanged cobra or some shit. I'm sorry. I just had to stop and laugh at the ignorance of that statement. Anyways, I have no experience in the field. Fantastic. You're going to be on spike TVs a thousand ways to die.

Except, okay, except that, okay. I have no experience in the field except for that I have a snake and four hamsters as pets. All right, dude, I don't want to burst your bubble, but there's nothing exotic about hamsters, even if you have four or four. Sorry. I started the new fucking Rosetta Stone Spanish again. Yo tengo un pero es gris e blanco. Pero es bueno, es loco.

E loco. How the fuck you say it? My dog's out of its mind. La mujer. I'm on Santa Verde. I've been, let's get back to this shit. I think I just said the woman and then green apple. There's really nothing that connected either one of those.

I'll go fuck yourself. I'm going to do it. At some point in my life, I'm going to become bilingual. So anyways, this dude wants to start raising exotic pets, breeding them. He has no experience. Now, what kind of fucking snake do you have? You know, if you have a garden snake, gardener snake. I guess you got to start somewhere.

You do have a reptile and four little rat things. This is cool, dude. You know what you're doing? You're doing like the open mics of this. I get it. You've got to start slow. You can't start right with the black mamba. You're going to get yourself killed.

Anyways, he said, I've been to the reptile expo a couple of times and saw that vendors there just breed and sell snakes for a living. And thought to myself, holy shit, I want to do that. Encourage animals to bang and sell the offspring. All from my own apartment, living the dream. What do you do? Any advice? What gave you the balls to start stand up?

Understanding the opportunity cost of the income of a full-time job. Any advice would help. Thanks, Mr. Burr. All right. All right. What do you do here? Well, dude, you're doing the right thing. You basically like you, you go into one of those reptile expos and looking at the douchebags

doing it and being like, I could fucking do that was like me when I used to watch some stand up shows and be like, I'm funnier than this guy. All right. And you have the luxury of not having a job right now. So you don't have to worry about, you know, well, what if this interferes with my job? You don't have a fucking job. Your biggest thing right now, dude, is you need income. All right.

So I would continue looking for a job that is flexible. All right. While you start building your stockpile of reptiles. First thing I would do is I would go on the internet and I would read as much as humanly possible. I would go to how to make two snakes fuck.com. I would start. I don't know what to tell you, dude.

I would just keep going to those expos like they're open mics. I would keep reading up on it. I would try and find this is what you do. This is what you do. Act like you want to buy a fucking snake and go to some fucking dude and ask them how they got into the business as you pretend like, you know, like you're browsing. Maybe you can get a job working for one of those guys. You figure out what the fuck he's doing, right?

You pull a Joe Kennedy that I've learned reading in the wonderful book, the sins of the father. Yeah, that guy used to work every place he'd work at a place for like seven months to two years. He'd rifle through all the files, get all this insider information, make a boatload of cash and leave the fucking company in the shitter. Okay. Now I'm not saying to do that, but fucking work for these other guys, figure out what they're doing, do what they're doing, become better at it.

That's what I would do. If you really want to do this shit, I would. But I got to tell you this, man. I don't know how you make two pit vipers fuck each other. But I would definitely get a, I don't know. I get a thick pair of gloves. How do reptiles even get turned on? They just have that fucking look on their face.

Like, you don't know what they're thinking. You know, I'd say if snakes had fucking hands, like they would win World Series of Poker every year. There'd be no fucking way to tell what it had. Is it holding shit? Is it got a full house? I can't fucking just sit there, sticking his tongue out of me. Should I go?

Bill, I need your help. Obviously I must have some real issues to be seeking advice from a standup comedian, but here it goes. You know what, dude? That's one of the truest things that's ever been said. Anyways, you know something? I was talking to Bobby Lee this weekend, who I'm going to have on the podcast. I love the guy to death.

And he said a couple of really nice things to me. And when we were backstage, and as I went to return the compliments, he literally imploded and ran out of the room. Just the thought of hearing me say something nice about him. And I just laughed because he was making a joke about it, but he was seriously, he seriously left and slammed the door as I was mid complimenting him and left me in this room by myself. And I just laughed out loud to myself and just said fucking comedians.

So sir, you're 100% right to sit there and seek advice from a standup comedian. You've got to be out of your mind, but this advice is free. Here we go. A couple of years ago, I decided to travel the world, he says, due to Borden, or she says, who the fuck knows, due to Borden and just a general feeling of unhappiness. No, that's a good thing to do. I needed to get away. Everything went great from there.

I met so many good people, enjoyed my time in other countries and ended up feeling so much better in the end. Yeah, dude, you had an adventure. He said, I recently decided to go home for a visit before continuing on and it ended up in a disaster. Oh, so you were still traveling the world and you decided to go home or you were back in the States and decided to go to your hometown. I don't know.

Either way, you went home from wherever the hell you were at. My parents were fighting. Most of my friends had either changed or left and it turned out to be a real shitty time for me. The question is, am I wrong to want to travel still? I am leaving again straight away and most people I know are making me feel terrible that I want to leave. It's nothing personal.

I just don't feel happy here and I really miss the friends that I made in other places. Should I make the people feel bad or is it time to tell them to suck a big fat one? Oh, should I let people make me feel bad or is it time to tell them to suck the big fat one? Dude, you're following your heart. It's a great story. You should go for it. And you learned the awful lesson that everybody has to learn is that you can never go home.

Okay? Because people move on, people change. You walk into that bar and you're not going to see anybody that you know anymore and if you do, they're going to be a lot fatter and a lot sadder. Something awful is going to happen. You know? They ruptured their spleen. You just don't want to do it.

You just don't want to do it. You know? So go live your life. The reason why you feel happy when you're out there traveling, I feel is because you're following your heart. You're listening to that voice that's telling you what to do. You go back to that town. Everybody's negative.

People are fighting. Of course they don't want you to leave. They don't want you to make something of yourself because they're still sitting there sipping on a fucking miller. So yeah, you don't have to tell them to suck a big fat one. You just be like, you know, this is what I want to do. And then just send them cards from all over the world and that'll make them even more angry as they sit there watching you get blown in Venice.

One of those fucking boats with that dude in the striped shirt. He's not blowing you, of course. Some other chick with a mole right above her lip and he's sitting there singing a song trying to drown out the sound of her sucking your dick. That's basically how it goes down. Is that a good picture? You know? Hey, you know what?

Why don't you fucking go travel, go buy some exotic snakes and sell them to that other dude who's trying to sell us and start his business. Then you take the money that you made, right? And you fucking use that to travel more. See that? Connecting via the podcast. All right, we got a fat fuck redemption. We got a redemption here.

This is a nice shout out to Tosh.0. This guy's obviously a Tosh.0 fan. I'm not trying to steal anything from that show. Fat fuck redemption. Bill, I'm a 35 year old guy and I've been a big fat fuck for most of my life. Well, you know what, sir? The first step is admitting it. The fact that you can call yourself a big fat fuck, you know?

It's like me. When I go through my periods, when I know I need to quit drinking. It's what I say to myself. Oh, Billy Fat again. Big fucking stupid fucking head full of booze. Big John Travolta fucking head loser. Stop your drinking. That's what I do.

Or else I won't listen to myself. Has this podcast gone off the rails? I feel like I can't even think right now. Anyways, I developed an amazing set of breasts at the tender age of 13. All right, this is a guy. I had just had to look at the name that still puts both of my sisters racks to shame. 420 pounds was my heaviest. I am also six foot seven and built like the Irish Sasquatch.

So I carry it pretty well. See what I'm saying? This is why this guy is so funny. He grew tits at 13. He's six foot seven. He's 420 pounds. There's no way to not look like that and not be a funny motherfucker. About 10 years ago, I dropped 150 pounds through diet and exercise.

I had a whole new life, new career, beautiful women, the whole shebang. I had a good seven year run. Yeah, dude. That's great, man. Seven years. You're a funny motherfucker. You're six foot seven. You probably feel like they're being held by a big bear.

You make them feel safe the next thing you know they're fucking you. I totally see it. Totally see it. So anyways, he says, so here's my dilemma. About three years ago, I got off the track and put a lot of the weight back on and haven't had a girlfriend the whole time, mostly by choice. Ah, you went into some self loading thing. I'm back in the groove now dropping the weight and getting healthy again. I want to settle down and start something serious with the woman of my dreams, but I still have about 50, 60 pounds to work off.

In a perfect world, it would be all about inner beauty and personality and shit, but let's be realistic. A smart, talented, good looking health conscious woman is just not going to settle for a dude who is swinging around bigger tits than her. You know what dude personality goes a long way, but you're 100% right when you're talking about the man tits. You got to get rid of him. He says, I suck at casual dating and I tend to get sucked into long term relationships very easily. So my question is, do I wait till I'm in the prime shape again before I start getting serious with anyone? I'm not trying to be perfect, but I'm not looking for perfection, but I just want to be smart about it. What do you think about the brick top?

All right, you have to learn how to, not only are you losing weight, but you got to learn how to date, dude. All right. You've addressed that you're a fat fuck and you're dealing with that. You also got to address that you're, uh, you're codependent and you're fucking lonely. All right. And it sucks. If you're codependent, you're a relationship guy. So it's very easy for you to get sucked into relationships, but you know, you can't take the first thing that comes down the pike.

Uh, so what you, you, this is the deal. You so know that you get sucked into relationship. That's what I think that you're like, all right. So if I'm going to get sucked into relationship, I have to look the best that I can possibly look. So when I do get sucked into relationship, I got a fucking, you know, top shelf girl that I'm doing it with. I don't know. I don't think that that's going to work personally. I think you need to learn how to date.

Just go out and start dating. And, and why don't you say that? I would say that on the date. So where's this going? Um, just be like, you know what, I'm in a period in my life when I'm trying to learn how to date. What is, what does that mean? It means that I'm one of those, I'm a relationship guy and I tend to get sucked into relationships. And, uh, next thing you know, I'm in a relationship with someone I should have just had one or two dates with.

So, you know, I'm not trying to be, uh, I'm just being upfront. That's where I'm at right now. So, uh, I have a list of questions and judging by your answers, uh, will depend what there's going to be date number two. You don't have to say that last part, but, uh, definitely you got to, you got to, you got to come at it that way, man. Just come right out of the gate like that. You know something you'll get some fucking ass, even with your goddamn tits talking like that, you walk into a bar, right? You sit there, you already got a sense of humor, you make them fucking laugh. Some girls eventually going to come walking up to you, some mess or maybe some fucking borderline cutie.

They're insecure too. You know, maybe they don't like their fucking ass. Who knows what, right? They come walking up to you and say, what's your deal? What are you doing just sitting there? You know, and you just start talking about, there's nothing a fucking broad likes better than some fucking guy who's sitting there who's actually taking stock in himself. Who seems like he's going to start taking life seriously. Okay.

Cause they look at us and they see us for the morons that we are led by our dicks playing in mud puddles, breaking shit, acting like a bunch of fucking gorillas. So when they see somebody who's actually sitting there contemplating about where the fuck they're going in life and what they want, they're attracted to it. Not to mention your six foot seven, they're going to feel safe. And then they got to be wondering, well, is this dick five foot seven? Right? So you just hit him with that line. What are you doing? I'm trying to figure life out.

I have to learn how to date and they'll be all over it. What do you mean? Dating is easy. You should have fun. Next thing you know, we're fucking hands on your thigh. Right? A couple of limes in the coronas and next thing you know, whatever. All right.

That's what that's what I hope happens for you. All right. The last one here before I wrap up the podcast here. Do I have any other fucking average? Let me let's let's fucking try to. I know you guys don't like listening to all these fucking ads, but I got to do them here. All right. Amazon.com.

Would you like to fucking support this podcast and the wounded warriors project? Well, this is all you got to do. Go to billbird.com. Click on the podcast page and then click on the banner ad the Amazon banner ad will take you right to Amazon. You don't do anything like that. Go on there. Go buy yourself a drumstool or a fucking ladle, whatever you want to do. Amazon kicks me a percentage of whatever you spent.

And then I take 10% basically of all the advertising that I have on this and I kick it over to the wounded warriors project. So you'd be helped support in this project and the troops. All right. Can you get any better than that? I don't think you can, but I'll tell you what's a close second game fly.com. Oh, what a segue. What a professional. Basically go to the banner ad once again on billbird.com and the podcast page and you click on the banner for your free two disc, two week free trial, $23 value over 40 people did that last month.

So thank you very much for that. And hopefully you will enjoy the service. If you want a free two week trial, go to www.gamefly.com or their banner on my podcast page for your free trial and enjoy all the video games you can play. 8,000 video games, a free two week trial. You're out of your mind. Go buy a big bag of Doritos and a 12 pack of your favorite soda because you got 8,000 games to play, mister or ma'am. Is there anything hotter than a fucking chick that likes to play video games? You know, like, like those violent ones.

I don't even know what they're called anymore. I had to wean myself off of a halo and that type of stuff. I don't know. I think it's cool. All right. The last one here. I don't even know if this one's true guys. I hope this is true.

I don't know. But this, this, this seems too true to, I mean, too unbelievable to be true. This is called threesome. Says dear Bill, I was a virgin who never wrote in, but listen to your, listen to you respond to other virgins who wrote in. I am 19, not exactly old, but who wants to break 20 before blowing your load in a teenage girl? The remarkable part is that I had a threesome to kick off my new life as not a virgin. See that this guy's trying to make me believe that right out of the gate. I mean, it can happen.

People get called up from the miners their first fucking time, you know, they hit for the fucking cycle. They throw a perfect game. It can happen, but I'm reading this one with a grain of salt. I don't know if this is a listener fucking with me or what, but here we go. He said, I met this girl. Let's see how believable this sounds. All right. Then we'll take a vote whether you believe this or not.

I hope it's true. Anyways, I met this girl at the beach last summer and ran into her again sometime in July. She was being very flirty and kept talking about her summer bucket list. She said her and her friend had the same goal. I thought they meant that they separately wanted to get deflowered, not thinking that, hey, everyone is probably not not thinking that, hey, everyone is probably getting laid. I figured we were all on the same page. Oh, so you thought that they were both versions.

So a week back I invited her to a party my friend was having. She brings her friend and her friend is hotter. I start working on her because I'm drunk and on a roll and I'm going for broke. Good for you. Good for you. In fact, at one point another dude came in to interrupt the conversation and I gave him a whoa. You gotta you gotta raise your hand. What does that mean?

He raised. Oh, all right. You gotta raise your hand to come into the conversation. Jesus Christ. This kid took his Fonzie pills. I said he raised his hand and I called him a clown. Everyone laughed. What a fucking idiot.

He did that. Anyways, why wouldn't I think this girl want wanted to bang? Wait a minute, dude. How are you this fucking cool? You never got any ass before. This doesn't make any sense. You're coming off like Billy Ray Valentine here. Anyways, well, it turns out her and her friends wanted to have a threesome.

I realized this when they both told me flat out that they wanted to. I went for a bill. I didn't really know what I was doing for the first 10 seconds or so. But after that, it just all made sense. Like when Neil saw the matrix, I couldn't have done it without the podcast. Don't let me ask you this. You guys believe that I didn't know what I was doing for the first 10 seconds and then you all of a sudden you understood.

But then he makes a reference to Neil in the matrix, which is something that a fucking nerd would do. I don't know. It's a hell of a story. I hope it's true. It just doesn't make sense. You're a fucking virgin. You get a threesome the first time without paying for it.

You know? You're a fucking virgin, but you're making the move of a guy who's gotten laid where you go for the even harder one. And then you stop the guy from cock-blocking you. Unless you're in the natural. There's no way. How do you have all these skills that you never got laid before? I'm calling bullshit on this one.

I hope it's true. I hope it's true. I really do. And if it is true, I want to know what the fuck you would drink it. All right. Is that the podcast? I don't know if it is. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stamps.com. I forgot. Stamps.com everybody. Stamps.com. If you would like to stop going to the post office. Wouldn't it be great if you could stop going there yet be able to do everything that you could do at the post office within your own place of where you live. Print Stamps.

Have your own scale. Way packages. Be able to run off a little meter, whatever the hell the box costs. Sorry, I don't have the copy. I think I have it memorized at this point. Go to Stamps.com. Type in burr for your free two week trial of Stamps.com. You know the deal.

You guys listen to this stuff every week. You don't have to go to the post office anymore. You just go to Stamps.com. You can print out legal postage. You get your own scale. It's wonderful. Send out all my DVDs. That whole month of touring that I have.

I'm not going to the post office month. I'm going to send out all of my DVDs using Stamps.com. All right. So there you go. That is the podcast for this week. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you guys for going to Amazon helping me, you know, actually, you know, helping out the Wounded Warriors project.

It's one of the few like wholesome things that I do in my life. So that's it. Is that how we're going to go out? Do I not have anything else to talk about? I'm going to end on a damn commercial. Well, I did say thank you. I am over the hour. I've done my goddamn time here.

All my batteries down to one little cell there. All right. So it's going to wipe out anyways. All right. So that's it. Please come out and see me in Orlando, Florida, Charlotte, North Carolina, New York City, Jacksonville, Florida, Cincinnati, Sydney, Australia.

I'm going to be on the night of too many stars in New York City. And what else do I don't know what else I got coming up? That's going to be me the next six weeks. Eastbound and loaded up and trucking. I'm going to all the white trash fucking cities. So bring your tattoo titties and your stupid fucking boyfriend. Pull up in your truck with the steel nuts hanging off the back. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you next week. I'm going to be on the night of too many stars in New York City. So bring your tattoo titties and your stupid fucking boyfriend. Pull up in your truck with the steel nuts hanging off the back. I'm going to be on the night of too many stars in New York City. I'm going to be on the night of too many stars in New York City. Oh boy, one more endless happening. See me down there at the ones and twos.

Look again, shameless, you are my doom. You're sick, talk, over it go round me taking quick stardom. Anyone who seems afraid to talk back. You You You You You

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