Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-30-18

Episode Date: August 31, 2018

Bill rambles about owning your own shit, vintage chairs, and reads click-bait.

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Um, how are you? How is your week going? Oh, that's love. Don't let it get you down. You know, um, I'm recording this fucking Wednesday night. I got so much shit to do tomorrow. I didn't even realize it. You know, it's a usual shit. You know, honey, um, I'm just gonna do a bunch of stuff. I was wondering, is there any way that you can handle the other stuff? I was gonna do this stuff. Can you do that stuff? Well, you know, I was already had some stuff. Honey, it would be a big help if you could just do the stuff that you used to do, plus the stuff that you were already going to do. That bullshit. It happens. It's one of those things that happens.

Um, you know, I don't, I don't know what the fuck to tell you guys. I'm starting a Patreon page, by the way. I don't know when it's coming out, but it's going to be all this extra shit. Um, a bunch of extra shit, a whole bunch of extra shit. And, uh, you know, I've got some helicopter videos and whatnot and some other shit. This is sort of a pre-promotional promotional thing here. I didn't know if I was supposed to bring it up. I think I was supposed to wait until I had more shit on the sat. You know what I mean? So it'll be worth it, worth it to you. I'm basically just trying to become this little fucking, you know, you ever go your little town.

There's this little place that makes little candies, you know, and they just fucking they hang in there. Despite the fact across the street, there's a McDonald's or, you know, there's a fucking Walmart or some shit. There's just this fucking guy down there. He repairs shoes, whatever the fuck he does. That's all I'm trying to do in this business. Just trying to have my little fucking shop. Be bringing enough fucking money on my own. So these Steven Cunts out here, you know, I can't even tell you some of the shit that I've done. Like I've really like a long time ago, I saw this documentary and this fucking musician said, you are better to own something 100% and sell 20,000 copies than to not own it at all and sell 20 million.

What's she gonna make more if you just sell 20,000 if it's your own, if you own it? And it's one of the truest fucking things I've ever, ever heard other than don't stay friends with your ex-girlfriend. You know, you break up with the girl, you got to get the fuck away from her. Because, you know, it's just, you know, don't listen to me. Generally speaking, some of them are cool, some of them get it, some of them are happy for you. The rest of them, Jesus. You got to get away from them, you know what I mean? It's like when there's mold in the house. You got to go or you're gonna die. Okay, does that make sense? Do I need to sing a song about it? I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

All I know is that I am sitting here alone in this goddamn room and my fucking chest hurts. I think I have a bruised sternum. This fucking guy, like the end of last year, he was trying to show me what the fuck happened on this football play. And as he was coming towards me, I should have been like, dude, I saw it. I saw the play and he went to pick me up and he fucking compacted my fucking ribs. And I think it fucked up my sternum. Either that or I have a tumor. I don't know what it is, but, you know, I'm gonna go see a doctor about it, see what the deal is. Now that I've fucking been here for like, why does this fucking couch scratch up? Did they make anything nice anymore? Bought these fucking leather couches. You stick anything on it and everything gets all fucked up, fucking hacked up. Look at this shit. Jesus Christ.

That gives a fuck, right? I guess that adds character. But it looks like a bunch of hack marks on it. Anyways, college football starts this weekend. Ah, wrong song. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba... They're all the same fucking song! People have some sort of hand gesture that they fucking throw up, right? Anyways, like most beginnings of most college football seasons, there's not a lot of good games, okay? So the ones you want to look out here, speaking of, of, of is University of Michigan, Yale, Tudor, Victor, is valiant, right?

Against Notre Dame, he was in the fucking hospital, he was dying, and he said, Win 1-4, fucking me, cause I'm a selfish cunt, and I'm still thinking about me. I don't even know if that even happened. Win 1 for the Gipper. Was that Hollywood adding dialogue, some shit that was never said, you know, like you complete me? Anyways, another good one is LSU vs Miami, that could be a decent one, just as far as ranked teams actually playing each other. Other than that, Virginia Tech, Florida State, 20 vs 19. I love it, how the fuck did they do the rankings? So many people leave, how do they figure out who's what?

You know, you can watch number four Wisconsin against Western Kentucky. We think the spread is on that. Look at TCU's not ranked, against Southern U. Come on, frogs, what happened? I don't know why I fucking, I know why, cause they came to the Rose Bowl that one time, and everybody was dressed like a fucking douchebag. Everybody, all the guys were all dressed like JR Ewing. You know, this is like dressing classy, right? And then there's just like, you're just a privileged cunt, and it's, neither one of those is probably true.

Well, actually dressing classy is true, but the second part, they probably won't even privilege cunts. I probably just looked at them and just judged the shit out of them. There's probably what really happened. I bet there's nothing wrong with TCU, come on frogs. I don't know what they just, they just, they just look like assholes, not the women, just the guys. You know what I mean? They're stupid fucking loafers in a fucking blue blazer. Who wears that to a football game? Right? Why are you dressed like an usher?

I don't know. It's amazing how long ago I saw that, and the fact that it still bugs me. It doesn't bug me as much as how easily these chairs fucking scratch evidently. Oh well. What are you going to do? You know what I mean? You know what's funny is I got these chairs not for a lot of money, because they're like, hey, here's some vintage fucking chairs, right? So yeah, I don't want these old ass fuckers. I want a zillion dollars for these vintage leather chairs, right? So I'll just buy some new ones, and I'll put the fucking hackmarks in them. And now every hackmark that goes in it, now I'm like, oh, what happened?

What happened Bill, was exactly what you said you wanted in your couches, and now that's happening. And now you're upset about it. Alright, fair enough. Fair enough. How about those red socks? Ah, pouring it on. The offense. The bats. The bats hanging in there. Hanging in there while our pitching staff all goes on the fucking DL. Chris Sale, once again, is on the 10 day disabled list. David Price got hit by a line drive. Oh, come back right to the mound.

The X-rays were negative, but they're going to take more fucking, more X-rays, you know? So we shall see. That's why maybe he's being, oh, it's all over, beginning of August. You never know what can happen with all the fucking injuries. So anyways, I was watching that, I tell you what my daughter does, you know, it's fucking hilarious. Did I tell you she imitates the old noises, old man noises I make when I pick her up? I go, alright, come on, sweetie, let's go and I pick her up. She looks at me and she goes, I don't even know. Maybe I already told you that story. I'm old. I don't remember.

Speaking of old, I went to the gym today and after bragging about my perfect form, I somehow threw out my back trying to make sure I was doing the middle of my back trapezi exercises. So my fucking chest and shoulders wouldn't pull my fucking, no, my chest wouldn't pull my shoulders forward again. So I wouldn't fuck up my rotator cuffs. My rotator cuffs doing great and then I end up fucking up my back. I can't win. I think I'm at that age where I got to, nah, I just, I gotta, you know, somebody finally said, I said, why don't you get a fucking personal trainer and just have them go over there, all the exercises you're gonna do,

they'll put together a workout plan that'll tell you how to do the exercise correctly. And I've always said, nah, nah, nah, fuck that, fuck that. I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. You know why I know what I'm doing? Because in the 80s, I went, I went over to a friend's house and he's going, come on, let's work out. Like a friend of mine, just get you a bench, do this. Nothing about grip, nothing about form, nothing. Do some curls. This is good for you. You didn't fucking know. And then you go to the, then you joined a gym, right? You joined golds or world gym or whatever the fuck it was, right?

Back in the day. And then you just see somebody doing an exercise. You know, they seemed approachable. You'd be like, hey, what's that? What does that do? And if they seemed intimidating, you'd just sort of watch it out of the corner of your eye and then you'd just start doing it. You had no idea what you were doing, what the fuck it was working. You would basically guess what it was doing. And then you didn't work the opposite muscle and you fucked yourself up. Had I just gone out and got a personal trainer from day one? If they even fucking existed back in the 80s, I don't think they did.

You just went to the gym. I wouldn't have all of these problems today. So there you go. There you go, everybody. If you're learning how to play drums, wear earplugs from day one. If you're going to go to the gym, get a fucking trainer from day one. Learn what the fuck the correct way to do shit so you don't end up like me. End up hurting yourself, trying to fix something else. My fucking shoulders doing great.

There's nothing worse than throwing out the top of your back. I don't know what it is. Lower back. I'm just so used to that pain. It's like acceptable. The top of your back is fucking... And I explain it. It takes your breath away. So I've been dealing with that all day, you know what I mean? And my kiddo, you know, she likes getting picked up all the time. So I was making an extra old man noise.

Anyways, but it's still worth it. Back pain for a kid is the best. No worries. You know, I'll take that any day. The way the kid's a fucking riot. She's got a great sense of humor and she likes to roughhouse. It's perfect. It's perfect, you know? Oh, she loves Vampirina, man. I got time getting sick of that show. You know? The fucking little blue chick. She's always having problems fitting in.

I get it. She's different. Every fucking goddamn episode. And then the other two people have to fucking help her out. You know what she reminds me of? She reminds me of an addict, you know? Where it's always about them and you gotta say, oh, no, no, you're doing great. What's the matter? What's the matter now? You know? I don't really mind. Fancy Nancy's the one. I don't like that one. That fucking chicken.

All she's, she's just sitting there. All she's about is material things. She's always trying to have the nicest shit. She somehow gets status and then get friends or whatever. I was like, what the fuck are we watching? I don't want to watch this shit. You know? So instead I was watching a little bit of the Red Sox with my daughter before she went to bed. And then afterwards, you know, it's funny. I actually nodded off when I was watching Vampirina. I have like that panic when you fall asleep for like three seconds that your kids like walking up to an alligator or some shit.

And I just opened my eyes and she was just looking right at me and I opened my eyes. She just looks at me and she just goes, hi. That's like with somebody. Sorry. Oh fucking old freckles nodded off there. So anyways, I put her to bed and I went on Instagram and I saw Joe Rogan was promoting or just talking about we just watched this documentary about Leonard Skinner. Sorry for the awning. So I was like, I gotta check this shit out. And I just watched this on Showtime.

It's called If I Leave Here Tomorrow. And I gotta tell you, man, these fucking old Southern guys that is still around. I mean, I literally had to put on the closed caption so I could understand what the fuck they were saying. And Jesus Christ. Incredible documentary, but it's also amazing at how similar, you know, so many of these band stories are. And it's just because they get into that they get into the music business where they get in fucking ripped off and they just put them on the wheel. And the business just gives a shit about money and they don't give a fuck if they run a band into the fucking ground because there's always another band that they can sign. And plus, why would you want to rep an old band? They know all the tricks and how you're going to try to steal from them.

They'll probably try to get the rights to their music back. So fuck them. You know, if they're any luck, they'll blame each other and break up and then we'll move on to the next band. Like that's literally how the music fucking business worked. So I'm sitting there watching this shit and just, you know, that whole just to work ethic and just keeping it simple in the beginning. And then they just get stuck in the craziness of touring. I don't want to ruin any of it, but definitely, definitely check it out. And just also how great the band sounds. And I just seeing people singing live and playing live with other human beings is incredible.

I don't know, man, I'm kind of going off the rails here, dude. I'm just, I'm just, I can't remember the last time I watched something from this century. By the way, I've been watching that Peter Gunn on me TV. That's where that song came from, right? That is the worst lit show in the history of anything that was ever fucking lit. At first I thought it was like a style thing. Like for you, for you guys who ain't in the business there, like when they go to light a scene, I never understood why the shadow was like a big, who gives a fuck if there's a shadow, right?

But it's just like, if, you know, if you're in a room, okay, like, if, I don't know, I don't know how to explain this because this, this is really beyond my ability. All I know is that's what's so fucked up is they'll be in a dimly lit room and one person's talking and then there's a shadow behind them and then somebody's right behind them, like directly across talking for them. So if anything, the shadow of that person should be on the person talking. But when they turn around to go to that person, then that person has a shadow behind them. They literally had like one light and they just would stick it in front of people.

So this episode ends, I'm not saying it's a bad show, it's just a badly, poorly lit show. This woman's standing there and because she's standing in like the opening to this apartment building where it, it's not straight on the walls, they sort of angle in towards the door. Her shadow was on both sides when she's standing there. And they were just like, okay, maybe that's how they lit the building and where she's standing. All right, then she walks, it's the end of the episode, she goes down the street, now we're behind her. And as she's walking away, as the camera rises up, you literally see the shadow of the camera and the fucking guy, the guy's head and body hanging off the side,

going off the building in the background that she's walking towards. And it's like, how the fuck did somebody miss that? So, but you got to watch Peter Gunn, all right? It's on me TV, I still highly recommend it. It's fucking hilarious. You will never see a character die faster. They only had fucking 22 minutes to have somebody get killed, to have Peter Gunn to try to figure out what the fuck happened, to have Peter get the living shit kicked out of him, and then for him to solve the fucking murder. They had to do all of that in 22 fucking minutes, so it always just starts.

One of them started like, ladies and gentlemen, on piano, please welcome 88 Keys Kitty, whatever the fuck his name is, and the curtain comes up and the guy's just sitting there with this weird look on his face, and then he just keels over with a knife in his back, and then it just goes, ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-wa-ba-ow. So another one, a guy gets on a fucking elevator and the elevator stops, he's pushing the button, he's like, what the fuck's going on, and all of a sudden the trap door above it opens up, and a gun with the silencer comes through. Pew, pew!

Fucking guy drops down dead, goes down to the first floor, opens up, the guy reacts to the dead body. Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-wa-ba-wa-wa-wa-b-a-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. And that was it. Then they're right in there. Now I gotta tell you, Peter Gunn is sort of the precursor to that David Dukovny minimalist style of acting. Guy crushes it. And then also 77 Sunset Strip. They would do foreshadowing to the middle of the episode, like you saw at the beginning of Goodfellas in a lot of Martin Scorsese movies.

And everybody always, I always think, oh, they're ripping off Martin Scorsese. I'm like, wait a minute. 77 Sunset Strip did this shit. Maybe he watched a few episodes. I don't know. This is, let's see what this podcast is becoming. This is becoming an old fucking man. What are you guys watching that's worth watching?

I don't know what it is because my wife dominates the TV. I love her to death. What am I going to say? No. And she's literally sitting there. She's watching that Andy Cohen show where all the old ladies get together with their fucking 20 pounds of makeup. And they just start fucking saying mean shit to each other. I liked one of them.

One of them was a drunk, clearly was a drunk. And they were telling her that she needed to go into rehab. She goes, I don't need to go into rehab. The only person I know went into rehab was, was my cousin. And that was because, you know, they, you know, if she didn't, she'd go to jail. We're saying like, that's why you go to rehab. And they were like, yes, but sometimes you have to go to rehab because you have a problem. Well, I don't have a problem.

I'm not going to, I'm not going to. That's what she does. She did the fucking Archie Bunker. She went like, fuck you guys. And you can just hear in her voice, even if she wasn't drunk, just like she, she's at that level of booze where the bottle has like a fucking handle, you know, it's like a jug. You're buying that cheap shit with like a carton of cigarettes. There is something to be said for going out like that, you know, to just give in to all

of it, sugar, salt, liquor, fucking smoke. I don't know. I think it's all good right up until you get sick and then you die. And then you're like, ah, you know, I could have been fucking, I should have jogged and ate apricots, you know, then what? I mean, if it really is just a blink of the eye, well, you know, as far as how long the universe has been here. Oh, geez, I'm going deep now, right?

Oh, deep for me. Anyways, if it really is a blink of the eye, just the amount of time that human beings have walked the earth, you know, who gives a fuck if you live to be 30 or fucking 100, right? Well, you know, who gives a fuck, I guess the person. Because for you, that's a long fuck of time or a really short time, right? I'm not saying, you know, I wouldn't give a fuck if I was dying. I'm just saying, you know what I mean? You know what I'm really saying is that I've been eating like an angel and I've barely

been drinking and trying to get my abs back here. And this is one of these nights where, you know, I don't know, it's kind of gnawing at me where I used to drink booze like my late night snack now is heirloom tomatoes. I just cut a few of them up and I actually fucking look forward to it. I like drinking smoothies in the morning. I fucking love that for breakfast with kale and spinach, bananas and fucking chia seeds and all of that shit. But every fucking once in a while, you know, every by once in a while, I've kind of mean

like every night this week, I just feel like just like fuck, you know, so I don't know, what do you do about that? You know, I just go, I'm just not going to do it right now. I'll go do a fucking podcast. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck that means. Probably means I have issues, right? It's weird because I haven't eaten any fucking.

I haven't eaten any fucking ice cream cookies, any of that fucking shit. And I'm not thinking about any of that at all. But booze is the one that always, it always comes back knocking. You know, like didn't Elizabeth Taylor marry like the same guy like twice? You always say these fuck, why don't I want what the fucking record is for that? Most times two people got married. Most times two people got remarried. What's going on in the world, by the way?

What happened this week? Tennessee couple gets married a record 109 times. Go fuck yourself. I don't want to hear that. That's bullshit. World records for marriages and divorces. After knocking for 20, how many people in America get remarried? Once a woman tied the knot 23 fucking times.

Jesus Christ. Talk about a codependent psychopath who can't fucking be alone. Grandmother is most married woman after tying the knot 23 times. Jesus, can you imagine the fucking check she was collecting? Actually, no, that's not true, right? Because once you're married, the next person. Jesus Christ. How easy would it be to fucking divorce her?

I'll make payments for eight months. She'll fucking find somebody else getting married again. American grandmother Linda Wolf has become the most married woman in the world. I'm surprised she's not a great grandmother. All that cock going into her, huh? After walking down the aisle 23 times and is now on the lookout for number 24, Mrs. Wolf 68 is included in the Guinness Book of World Records for the dubious honor of being wed more times than anyone else alive.

She must be the first time you're like, hey, could you not put your shoes here? You know what? Go fuck yourself. I'm out of here. It's over. Linda. She has said she is addicted to romance, to the romance of getting married. Oh, she likes it in the beginning.

Born Linda Lou Taylor, the American first married in 1957 at the age of 16 to a 31 year old called George Scott, former first baseman of the Boston Red Sox. The union lasted for seven years, the longest and happiest of any of her marriages. Since then, things have tended to go downhill. Oh, that's funny. She got divorced at 23 for the first time and she went on to marry 23 times. Over the subsequent decades, she'd married a one-eyed convict, a preacher, a barman. It sounds like an Irish song.

The green alligators in the one-eyed convict, a fucking preacher and a barman and a plumber. And musicians, plural. Oh, Jesus. Two turned out to be homosexuals. Two were homeless and one beater. I mean, that's pretty good, man. You only get married 23 times. You only get beat once.

I mean, that's pretty good. You forget somebody got married 23 times. They just had bad choices in men. Another put a padlock on her fridge. Oh, there's a guy. That's called marrying for looks. I'm getting fat there, honey. I swear to God, you have another fucking biscuit.

I'm putting a padlock on that fucking fridge. Watch me. Watch me. And then he fucking does it and then she, oh, fuck yourself. I'm out of here. He was too controlling. He was counting the amount of popped hearts I was eating. Okay, one marriage lasted just 36 hours because the love just wasn't there.

Linda from Indiana once married the same man, Jack Gurley, three times. She's had seven children by her different husbands and has been a stepmother to many more. Her last marriage a decade ago was a publicity stunt. It was to Glenn Wolf who when taking Linda as his bride meant he was the world's most married man at 29 times. 29 times. Oh, Jesus. A year later at 88. I bet God's first fucking statement to him was, what the fuck were you doing?

What was that? Were you an asshole? After 17 times, did you really think the last 12 times are going to be different? You're fucking moron. No sense sending you to hell, buddy. You've already been there. Come on in. Consequently, she said she was on the lookout for number 24.

She told the son, it's been years since I walked down the aisle. I miss it. Jesus Christ. She's like an athlete that doesn't know how to retire. The serial bride who now lives in a retirement home said she had never cheated on a husband. You didn't have fucking time to. She said if she had her life over again, she would never ever marry so many men. Well, that ended kind of sad, right?

So, of course, this is all in these clickbait sites. What should every architect demand from a cloud? The most dangerous species alive? Donald Trump in his younger days. This mom never fed her daughter carbs. Which one do you guys want here? This is like jeopardy for dumb people. Volkswagen CC test.

Wild old age stop us seeing. Oh, wild. Will, my eyes are going here. Will old age stop us seeing our grandkids. 60 candid photos from the past. A coolest new cars. Final moments they never expected. Ah, you got to go with that.

Oh, clickbait. Here we go. This is a new segment. This is a new segment called clickbait. All right, this is the last known picture of the RMS, RMS Titanic on the surface of the ocean. Yeah, because we found the fucker was taken during her maiden voyage at Crosshaven, Ireland. Just after the vessel departed Queenstown where it stopped before heading westward towards New York. Three days after this photo was taken, 1,514 people would be dead.

And the Titanic would be, Titanic would be at the bottom of the North Atlantic after colliding with an iceberg. And one of the deadliest peacetime maritime disasters in history. How the fuck did you hit one of those goddamn things? I guess it was nighttime. Guy didn't have the lights on. You know, sometimes you're driving down the street. You had no idea. Next page.

Okay. And they got three advertisements in there for a jacket, a fucking microchip. All right. Andrew McCauley, 2007. Well, this doesn't look good. This is the last known photo of Andrew McCauley in Australian sea kayaktor, who is now presumed dead. McCauley attempted to kayak 994 miles across the Tasman Sea in February 2007. It was never found.

Now the fuck did they get that picture? Is that between, where's the Tasman? Is that between Tasmania and Australia? Fuck all the Australians that are acting like I'm dumb right now. Okay. You're at the bottom of the fucking world. I don't know. I don't know what goes on down there.

Tasman Sea. Maybe I guessed correctly. The Tasman Sea, the Tasman Sea. Oh, was he trying to get all the way over to New Zealand? Jesus Christ. And a fucking boat that's like designed to tip over. Yeah. I mean, you know, okay.

All right. Well, he definitely was trying to protect his skin. All right. Freddie Mercury, 1991. Oh, Jesus. Looks like an old Pee Wee Herman. Freddie Mercury was the lead singer of Queens. He died of complications of age related to AIDS.

He confirmed the day before he died that he had contracted the disease. This is the last known photo. All right. Why the fuck would I want to see that? That's arguably the greatest front man of all time. Amelia Eh-Hot. 45 days before she embarked on an infamous flight that would render her both missing and eternally famous. Amelia Eh-Hot posed for a photo shoot.

Here she's seen standing in front of the model 10 Electra that would carry her to her mysterious destiny. Korean Airlines flight. Triple 07 1983. This plane took off from New York because it was shut down in Soviet airspace. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is just getting worse. The ARA San... Well, I thought there's gonna be a bunch of people taking selfies on bridges.

Steve Irwin, another Australian. The USS Maine, 1898. What did it fucking collide with? Paul Revere. This is the wreckage of the American battleship Maine, which was destroyed along with 260 members of the... likely by a mine. They had mines even back then. Fucking lit a bale of hay on fire.

Send it out there and take out a wooden ship, right? All right. This is too creepy. Let's lighten it up with... last selfies before death. Half of these are fake, by the way. There you go. 19 selfies taken moments before disaster.

There's one with the fucking shark coming up. 10 selfies. Yeah, these are all fucking bullshit. I like these things. I want images though. Come on. A couple people up on... climbing up on buildings.

Oh, then there's the two beautiful girls in the fucking car. Oh, Jesus. There's a lot of them up these fucking kids that like the free climbers there. They climb up the top of buildings. There's a lot of bullshit ones of guys in pools with bad pictures of great white sharks. All right. What am I doing here? I'm talking a lot about death here, huh?

Anyways, let's get back. Let's talk about... I don't know what the fuck else to talk about. Have I done a fucking half hour at this point? You know, I think every once in a while you should have... Oh, shit. 34 minutes. 34 minutes of I don't know what the fuck that was.

Sorry, guys. I had to get this thing done because I got all this other bullshit I have to end up doing tomorrow. You know? I would like to think that the woman getting married nine zillion fucking times. Maybe there was a little bit of humor in there. I have no idea. I'm sorry. The fucking news nowadays, it's just too goddamn depressing.

I just... I don't know how you guys do it. How do you stay informed? Oh, congratulations to Dean Del Rey, everybody who got his first cone and O'Brien. Went over there for the taping. He fucking killed it. It was Burke... It was Mark Marin who fucking ripped on guitar.

You got to find that clip after he killed it on the couch. He then went over and jammed with the band and fucking played guitar at a whole other level. Then Burke Kreischer killed it and then Dean Del Rey. It was fucking unbelievable. Former officer Roy Oliver sentenced to 15 years and failed shooting of teen. Holy shit. A cop went to jail. You don't see that often, do you?

Code of silence. The blue code. All right. What happened here? Former Texas police officer in Texas. Roy Oliver was sentenced to 15 years in prison on Wednesday for the murder of a 15-year-old boy who was shot while riding in a car full of teens leaving a house party. Oliver 38 was convicted on Tuesday in the fatal shooting of the high school freshman Jordan Edwards. All right.

Hang on one second. Let me see something. Jordan Edwards. Teen shot. Oh, I thought it was going to be a white kid. So they actually sent a cop to jail for fucking killing a black kid. Well, there you go. Miracles never cease.

Not shitting on the cops. I'm just saying, you know, there's bad comedians. There's bad cops, you know? Anyways, oh, Jesus, I probably just got myself. I probably just got myself a ticket right then and there. I swear to God, I'll tell you right now. That bald freckard motherfucker drives a half fucking mile over the speed limit in my county. How dare he suggest that even though human beings are flawed, that maybe some of them are in my own profession.

Why am I picking on southern people there? I don't know because I'm limited. All right. I'm going to read some advertising here whenever the fuck I get it. I'll probably read it tomorrow morning. If I leave here tomorrow. That's another thing too. I watch all these old shows on me TV and everybody's drinking and smoking.

And then I'm watching this whole thing on Leonard Skinner and everybody's drinking, smoking, doing all this fucking shit. And yeah, it starts giving you ideas. Maybe if I got to start watching workout shows, maybe I should do that. Are there workout shows? What happened to the biggest loser? You know what happened? It's the fucking guy on there had a goddamn heart attack. Figure that one out.

And the other woman, I don't know where she went. She broke off. She went solo and she started doing her own exercise videos if I remember correctly. All right. I'm going to read some advertising here for y'all. Just going to read a couple of advertisements here for y'all. And then I'm going to, you're going to listen to some music and then we're going to play some greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast. From, I don't know, some fucking, I don't know, when earlier this year, maybe last year, two years ago, I don't fucking know.

But I'll have more information on our, the Patreon page. Got a bunch of things about all things comedy coming up, a bunch of things that I would love to announce now that I'm not allowed to announce due to contractual agreements and some efforts for family shit. I got all this shit coming up. I know when it's coming out. The ink isn't dry yet, so I can't fucking announce it. I really want to tell you when efforts for family is coming out, but I'm not allowed to do so yet. I would like to tell you about some other shit we got going on, but I'm not allowed to. All right.

I'm talking in circles. Here's the advertising. And have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll see you on Monday. I'll be in there in a minute. All right. Borough. Go ahead.

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We ended up watching something on TV. One of the sickest stories ever and we're like, dude, this has to be a fucking movie. The megastar, who was Benjamin Button, then Money Ball's Billy Bean, is now interested in playing none other than Jimmy Keen. And of course in the end they said that they were going to turn it into a movie. It was basically about this guy, right? It was this fucking show about serial killers. So of course we're going to watch it. In 1993, Jesse was a high school sophomore devoted to home and family.

Jesse was really very much of a homebody. So one bike ride up the road and back, she was done. So we're watching this thing about fucking serial killers. And the whole time they're talking about this drug dealer kid. And they keep showing this serial killer guy. And they're showing the drug dealer older and not in jail and all that shit going, what the fuck happened? Just the way they put it together, it was riveting. You're like, what the fuck is going on here?

So basically what happened was there was this kid, right? He played football. They called him the assassin because every game he ever played he took somebody out, right? Was it the assassin? I heard they called you the assassin in football. That was a good thing I take it. Yes. Was that Jack Tatum?

Now I forget. It was something like assassin. So he fucking, and just movie star good looks, alright? And he's the star of the football team. All the women loved him. I mean this guy was just like, he looked like a movie star in his life was a movie. So his big Achilles heel was he didn't have money. And he wanted to keep up with the rich kids.

So he started dealing drugs and he ended up being really good at it. And by the time he was like 20 years old, this fucking guy was making like a million dollars a year. He expanded to cocaine and at the tender age of 17, he moved to Chicago where the business and profits exploded. He was now a big fish in a bigger pond, Lake Michigan to be exact. He was his own in-crowd, fast cars, faster women and souped up living. All the hot spots, all the big night clubs, all the owners I was in tight with. I would come in there and have carte blanche in every place that I went to. Were you feeling invincible?

Yeah, there was a certain point where I would say there was an invincible feeling. And it almost seemed like this American greed type story as opposed to the serial killer thing. They keep going back to this serial killer fucking piece of shit who's killing these girls, these teenage girls. So long story short, he's laying in bed one night and he's just thinking, I got to get out of this life. I'm so sick of looking over my shoulder. I can't do this anymore. How am I going to get out of this? But he's addicted to the money. He's addicted to the life and all of that type of stuff. And he is just rattling on the door and I'm thinking, oh fuck, it's the serial killer.

And he obviously fought the guy in one. What the fuck happens, right? All of a sudden the door fucking, boom, the whole door just blew off the hinges and can flying into the house. And all of these DEA, FBI and locals all came in in single file line with their automatic weapons. Was that alcohol, tobacco, firearms? I don't know what the fuck it is. So anyway, they fucking come, FDA, Food Drug Administration, the transit, Chicago Transit Authority. I don't know what the fuck it is. Whatever the fuck that thing is, they come fucking blasting through the door. Run up, you know, a bunch of guys with the fucking minor helmets on, with the fucking Uzzies from a Steven Segal movie. Go get on the ground, if you fucking look at me, I'll blow your fucking head off.

And the whole thing was over. And he disgraced his family name. Did your pop know what you were doing? Did he suspect? He didn't suspect it until much, much later. Jimmy grew up in the shadow of his father, Big Jim, a giant of a man who was a cop, fireman and hero to his son. He's my best friend. Yeah, he was my backbone, pretty much everything I did. And they never said it, but I imagine they probably took his fucking pictures down off of the high school and all of that type of shit. You know, did some OJ shit, right? Take all his trophies and all that fucking shit. So it's over, right? So then he's sitting in jail.

And they try to get him to flip. And this is just some fucking kid from the suburbs, right? So I'm thinking, well, he's out. He must have ratted somebody out. So he doesn't rat anybody out. He's like, I'm not telling on anybody. So then they're like, all right, we'll fuck you. So now we're going to help us out. We're going to fucking give you, you know, the full extent to the law.

We're going to prosecute you. They gave him 10 years. The guy gets 10 years. And in court, Beaumont showed Keen no mercy. He was coming at you on all fours, though, wasn't he? Oh, God, he was a bulldog. Jimmy was convicted and slapped with a 10-year sentence. He's in like a minimum security because, you know, he didn't really have any violent past or anything.

He was just getting people addicted to drugs. That's all he was doing. So his dad is devastated and all that shit. And he goes to jail. And meanwhile, the serial killer guy is out there killing these girls. So I'm thinking, what the fuck? And they keep going to commercial. I mean, Verzi looking at each other going, how the fuck are they going to tie this fucking thing together? Long story short, they ended up catching the serial killer guy.

I forget how he fucked up, but they ended up catching him. And one of those things where you seem like relieved and all of that type of shit. But he had this thing where he wouldn't admit to all of them. And if he came at them, he would just clam up and wouldn't say shit. He denied confessing to any killing, including Jesse's and Tresha's. What's more, he claimed it was all the misunderstanding about disturbing dreams he had. So he ends up going to jail for like either one or two murders for life. He's never fucking getting out.

So meanwhile, there's all these parents whose daughters were killed by this guy and they don't know where they are and all they just want is the body. They want fucking closure. And these parents are just tortured by this fucking thing. All right? So they're trying to figure out because he won't talk to them. He won't tell them anything. And he's also in denial and he keeps going like, actually, I didn't kill him and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then one day be like, oh, I did and I blacked out. I don't remember. Like the guy was just a fucking creepy goddamn mess, right? So they end up coming up with this idea that they need a charismatic person to talk to this, to befriend this serial killer, gain the guy's trust, and maybe he'll tell him where like the bodies are and that type of shit. So they go to this fucking dude, Captain America, you know, the football player, the movie star looking guy who fucked his whole life up because he got involved in drugs, right? And they approach him to go from his minimum security to go into a maximum security prison

with his murderers, rapists, animals, fucking maniacs, right? And, you know, to go in there and they said, if you get this information out, we'll take your sentence and we'll just wipe out the rest of it. We'll set you free. He'd already done like three, four years. And he came up with an outside-the-box scheme to get Hall, which would risk the life of that charismatic convict he had just put away for dealing drugs, Jimmy King. What happens when I've got to deal with all these crazy killers and stuff?

You know, what if I get shanked? What if I get killed? I mean, am I going to survive this? So meanwhile, Captain America's dad had a series of strokes, you know, and was basically going to die and he had to go see him. I mean, it's like a fucking movie. So he goes, all right, fuck it. I'll do it.

We cried through the window to each other and we talked for a while and he didn't even know about the offer. Nobody knew about it. Jimmy now realized that he had a one-time-only opportunity to fix the mess he'd made for himself and get out while his dad was still alive. But I wanted him writing that you're definitely going to let me go. So they say, yeah. So they go, all right. He goes, they go, here's the deal.

We don't want you to approach him for at least six months because he's very cagey. And if you fucking, you know, come at the guy the wrong way, he just fucking walls himself off and that's it. All right. So this kid comes, he goes and he goes, fine, cool. He walks in there. He's like, I don't have six months. My dad's going to die. All he wanted was to get in and out with Trisha's location and as fast as possible.

Within the first two months, I'm sorry, first two hours, he goes into the fucking jail and he fucking on purpose accidentally bumps into the guy. I was waiting with my tray and I looked over and there he is 20, 25 feet away from me sitting there all by himself. It felt like a magnet was compelling me to come to him and finally I bumped shoulders with him on purpose. And then he immediately apologizes. He goes, oh, I'm sorry about that, buddy. I didn't see you standing there. Hey, he goes, I'm new here.

Do you know where the library is? And the guy tells him where the library is and he goes, thanks, man. You know, and he said something in the effect of, yeah, you're a good guy. It gives him a little slap on the shoulder. That's it. It goes to the fucking library and they set it up where his fucking, his cell was right across the hall from the other guy. And he says to him, he goes, hey, man, he runs into him again. Hey, where are you staying?

Blah, blah. That's crazy, man. You want him right across? Maybe with a good guy like you, blah, blah, right across from each other. And he goes, so then fucking the serial killer guy one day goes, hey, you want to get lunch with me and my friends. And at this point, me and Verzi were fucking laughing up balls off going like this kind of social shit happens in prison. Okay, some friends of mine are going to have some other murderers and serial killers. Maybe get some, you know, frapping a fucking rap or something.

You want to come down? Just kind of hang out. I'll meet you down in the comments there, right? You always think it's all just getting shanked and trying not to get raped, right? So he goes, yeah, cool. So long story, he gains this guy's fucking confidence. And one time he actually goes in and he sees the guy's got a map with all these red dots on it and all that shit. And as I came up from behind him, he had all these little different statues lined up, 10, 15 of them, maybe.

And I couldn't tell what they were at first. And as I got closer, I noticed he had a big map laid out and he dove on that map and folded that thing up really fast and slid it off to the side of the table. And I go, what are these things anyway? He says, they're these little Falcons. He's trying to get to it and blah, blah, blah. So the guy starts opening up and he finally ends up telling him this fucking stories of all the women that he killed and all of that shit. And sort of kind of mentioned, he gave him like sort of enough information about where the bodies were. And the Captain America guy kind of fucked up because once he got the information, he thought he had enough information to find all the bodies and get himself out of prison.

And he just couldn't, oh wait, I forgot the best part. I'm sorry. There's gonna be like a Tarantino movie. Now we're gonna jump backwards. Another way he gained the guy's confidence was one day they were sitting in the TV room watching TV. He's sitting next to this guy and this big fucking giant dude just gets up and turns the channel without talking to anybody. He turns the channel. The serial killer who was on like a meek little guy.

And he just kind of went, he just sort of sat out loud to nobody. He was like, hey, I was watching that. That's not right. I was watching that. Like powerlessly, really fucking weird psycho thing. And the fucking Captain America dude walked up to the big dude and knocked him out. Just beat the guy's ass, hit him with an uppercut fucking forearm shiver and just sent this guy flying through some chairs. And then they stuck him in the hole. That's what happened.

And then when he fucking comes out, tell me this doesn't sound like a fuck. I almost don't even believe it. So that's when he gained the guy's confidence. That's when the dude told him. And the second he tells him, this dude, Captain America couldn't hold it in anymore. And he goes, dude, you know what? You're a sick fucking piece of shit, blah, blah, blah, flipped out on him. Then you got a little full of yourself, didn't you?

I did. I thought it was good for me to unload on him and tell him what I really thought of him and who he really was. I said, you know, I'm going to be going home tomorrow, Larry. And I said, you're a crazy killer. And I started calling him everything you can think of. And then the serial killer just backed up and he goes, who sent you? And he goes, so and so sent you, right? And he named the prosecutor and then he just fucking disappeared and the map disappeared too.

So then it's like they didn't get the map. So there was a thing we don't know where the fucking bodies still are, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you got him to admit to these fucking murders so we know that the women are at least dead. Basically, then he did enough where he got out. And the whole time we were watching this fucking thing, we were just going like, this is a fucking movie. Now, I guarantee you, when they do the fucking movie, they don't even need to add any mustard to it. But I guarantee you in the movie, he won't flip out in the end. Or if he flips out, but then he somehow, and then that'll be the last little kick up like, oh no, they didn't find the map.

In the movie, he'll find the map. And then the parents will actually get closure, but in real life, you know. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, August 30th, 2010. Oh, look at that. There's 31 days in August this year. I didn't realize that. I thought all the rent and everything like that was going to be due on Tuesday. But this year, I think it's every nine years. There's 31 days in August. And you can look that up, too, people. That's some, you know, 40 days has November, April, September, and remember. All the rest got 28, dude. So I don't know what you're talking about. Isn't that how it goes?

Anyways, August 29th, I'm recording this. Tomorrow is August 30th, and you're listening to it right now on August 30th. All right. What happened to the summer? Where did it go? It's over, man. I hope you enjoyed it. Didn't I tell you guys to enjoy it back in May? Did you listen to me? You didn't, did you? You thought, ah, we got plenty of time. There's plenty of fucking time. Then what happened? Next thing you know, it's August 29th. You know, you're looking down at your pasty legs going, Jesus Christ. You know, your farmer's tan from mowing the fucking lawn. You didn't do shit. I warned you. I told you in May it was going to fly by, and what'd you do? Did you spend one night roasting marshmallows, as they say in Boston?

I'm doing this on the 29th, so it will be ready early on the 30th. And also because this week, as of right now, when you're listening to this, I will be on set. Isn't that exciting? This whole week, I'm shooting my pilot for Comedy Central, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And unless we make a horrific piece of shit, according to the deal, it's definitely going to air. So I better make sure that my acting game is where it needs to be, because we start shooting tomorrow. I'm actually really excited about this show, and as always, I don't name names. So, you know, you don't even need to know names, because if it's going to be worth anything, you're going to know who the fuck's in it. I think it's going to be great, and I'm really excited about it.

And maybe this will be the one that actually gets me to be on TV, right? Then all of a sudden it goes to a second season, and then you notice I'm getting a little bloated. You know, I come to your town to do stand-up, and I'm just not as sharp as I used to be when I was hungry. When I wanted to have a show, and all of a sudden you guys are like, you know, he's not as fun as he used to be. He's like the old Bill Burr, the pre-TV show Bill Burr. Why is he wearing a bathrobe and slippers on stage? Is he working on a character for his new hit show? Or did he just roll out of fucking bed to come down here, drink a little scotch, and collect his fucking check? That's exactly what I'm going to be doing.

Okay, people, when I get on television, if I get my own, if this TV show goes, my stand-up is going to go do fucking south. I'm telling you right now, I never liked stand-up. It was all just a tool to get me. I'm fucking with you. I'm actually already paranoid about that. I'm already sitting there, I'm thinking in my head, typical me. Typical East Coast negative guy just looking for the next shoe to drop, rather than being like, oh fuck, I could be on a hit TV show. And you know, my life could be awesome. I'm already thinking, oh fuck, what's going to happen to my stand-up? How can I work in guest spots during the week so I can stay sharp? You know, I don't trust these fuckers.

Yeah, it's a hit. Oh, is it? Yeah, I'm believing you. You guys have fucking pulled that Charlie Brown, pulled the football fucking thing. Lucy, whatever that cunt's name is, from the Peanuts Gang, too many times, so I'm not buying it. I won't buy it till it goes into syndication. What's your show about? What is it? Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? It's on Comedy Central. Just you and anybody who has a Nielsen box, whenever the fuck it comes out, please sit there. Find the oldest person on your block, because God knows they have it. Whoever is the oldest person on your block, whoever's the most into Jesus, they are, oh Jesus, they're going to be the ones who have the Nielsen box.

Those are the people that determine, I guess. You know why? Because they actually have time to write letters. Anyways, so that's the deal. I'm shooting a show this week that is going to air on Comedy Central at some point. And speaking of something airing on Comedy Central, just to let you know, my stand-up special, Let It Go, is finally airing September 18th on Comedy Central. And I believe it's going to be uncut, hopefully, and I'll show it late at night, when my crowd is just stumbling in from whatever fucking, for the last four hours of mistakes that they made on a night of drinking, okay? And after you have it out with your significant other and she doesn't let you sleep in the room, or whatever, he doesn't let you, whatever sloppy mess you are, just go, you know, sit down on your fucking lazy boy and watch my special, September 18th. Alright, there we go. I got all the hype out of the way.

And I had a bunch of shit to talk about this week and I know the NFL season starts on Thursday night because the NFL is basically, I think, slowly trying to be seven days a week, which I am against. You know? I always thought it was really unique how it just, it all happened on fucking Sunday and everybody was just fucking getting geared up. It's the anticipation. Leave them wanting more. Classic show business theory. And the NFL had it like nobody else and now they're talking, ah fuck, let's add more games. 18-week schedule. 18 games, right? Is that what they were trying to do? They already got the bi-week so they got an extra fucking week in there, right? For more advertising, now they're trying to add two more days. Now the shit's, you got kicking it off on a fucking Thursday.

They're playing in Europe. You know, I really sound like a crabby old man. Well, I know you always play on Sundays and everybody gathered around the TV. I like the better that way. What the fuck is wrong with Sunday? You know, you go to church, oh geez, and then you fucking, you sit down, you get drunk and you watch the football games. Nobody gets hurt. Show up Monday all hungover. Dude, what the fuck did they run it for there? Ah, they should have passed it. That's what I would have done. That's what I would have done seeing as now that I know that they shouldn't have fucking run it in that moment. So anyways, I was trying to figure out what the schedules were and I ended up going on to see what the Patriots have.

We got the Bengals the first week with Batman and Robin. Really gay. Anyways. So I was checking out the schedule and one of the stories, if you can fucking believe this, the story is Tom Brady, how he can swing the Peyton Manning debate in 2010. And this is what it says. The Tom Brady Peyton Manning debate has raged for the past decade and will probably continue to do so until the two retire. Every time one seems to make their case, the other offers a rebuttal the next year. Alright, all of that's fair enough. I'll even give you that, but this is what they say. Manning made his case in 2009 by carrying his team to a Super Bowl berth with an MVP season.

That's what they said. Completely ignoring the fact that the guy had the game in his fingertips. Just like Tom Brady has four fucking Super Bowls and Tom Brady has delivered four fucking times. Giant fans shut the fuck up. The last time he got the ball, he drove, actually he got the ball with like eight seconds left. He's going to be cunts and count them on that one. But even when we lost to the Giants, when he had time to drive down the field, that's exactly what the fuck he did. The go ahead score for the unprecedented fourth time in the biggest fucking game in professional football. He's done it four fucking times. He's got three rings. Peyton Manning has one fucking ring and he had the Super Bowl on his fucking fingertips. And not only does he not drive them for a five, and I know I'm going through this again, but I have to because people keep forgetting this shit.

He had the game winning drive right there. Go ahead Peyton, drive down the fucking field. Not only does he not score, not touch down, not only do they not get a field goal, he throws a pick fucking six to lose the game for his fucking team. And somehow I want to know where the debate is. Where is the debate? Indianapolis Colt fans, which would you rather have as a quarterback, a guy who absolutely annihilates the competition in the regular season? Okay, and can only get you one championship or would you rather have the other guy who wins three out of four fucking Super Bowls? What would you rather have? You want three rings or you want one? The debate is fucking over. There is no debate. As far as I'm concerned, Peyton Manning is still chasing old date rape there in fucking Pittsburgh. Because as much as you wouldn't want that son of a bitch around your daughter, god damn it, you got to want him under center. Right?

This is bullshit. They just put this out here to get people all pissed off. Just like that mosque at ground zero that had me pissed for 48 fucking hours. Before I found out it's not at ground zero, it's fucking two, three blocks up the street and it's not a mosque, it's like a fucking wreck room. Alright, I don't give a fuck. You want to go in there and play ping pong and talk about Mohammed? I don't give a shit. But what did they say? It's a mosque at ground zero. They're building a bronze statue to Osama bin Laden. You should have seen me frothing at the mouth like a dog that had gone mad. I actually got into a fucking debate about it with somebody. You know? When I thought it was an actual mosque, when I thought it was being built at ground zero, like I was told, they're building a mosque at ground zero. You know? So I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Not only did they not rebuild the towers, not only are they architects still acting like they give a fuck when the reality is they want the contract. So they can put their fucking name on the building. Not only has that bullshit been going on for what? Nine fucking years.

Now they're going to put a mosque down there. I was literally beside myself and I was getting into tons of arguments out here in Hollywood about it. During the 48 hours when I actually thought they were building a mosque at ground zero, and they fucking, you know, these douchebags out here, they were like, it's not a religion. It's a fucking, like I don't realize that. Like I realize that it's not a religion. I realize that shit. But you know, you know, how about just having a little bit attacked? You know? You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. I know it's not the fucking religion. Okay, but you know, look at my religion. Look at the Jesus Freaks go out there, kill fucking abortion doctors. Now if 18 of them flew a fucking, you know, a Cessna into an abortion clinic, fucking blew the goddamn place up, and then the next day they wanted to put a big bronze statue of Jesus across the street. And people, the sons and daughters of the abortion doctors had a fucking problem with that. I would be like, yeah, you know, do we really have to put it there? I mean, it's not us, right? We didn't do it. It's not the whole fucking religion, but really all the fucking places you could put a big bronze statue of fucking Jesus there.

Oh, Jesus, right? We can't just fucking, you know, maybe go like quarter mile, half mile up the fucking street. That's all. That's all I'm saying, right? That was my fucking argument. And we were going back and forth and I realized it's not even a goddamn mosque. It's not a ground zero, okay? Three blocks up the street. They're building like a lemonade stand or some shit. And as always, I didn't really quite fucking read up on that part of it. But, um, yeah, so whatever. So that's the same thing with this Tom Brady, Peyton Manning debate. There is no fucking debate. This is ESPN guys, all these sports guys, they have, there's nothing left to fucking debate. So they learned that with that Yankees Red Sox. Keep pitting them against each other, even when everybody's kind of over it. You know? It's like once the curse of the babe was broken, it's fucking over. Who gives a fuck? Yes, we're going to play each other. Yes, the Yankees will win it again. Oh, look, the Red Sox won it again too. It's over. And they keep trying to sell it to you. One of the greatest rivalries. No one gives a fuck. And by no one, I mean, I don't give a fuck anymore.

Therefore, nobody gives a fuck. And this Tom Brady Peyton Manning debate, there is no fucking debate. Peyton Manning cannot care. He can't hold fucking Tom Brady's jockstrap. He can't. Look, anybody can kick the shit out of people during the fucking regular season. But when it counts, when it counts, what do you do? What do you do? Do you stand there like a man all fucking relaxed like Joe Montana and drive your team down the fucking field? Or do you get that little bitchy tone in your fucking voice? Okay, guys, it's going to be on two. And you get under center. Well, whatever you do. Got to beat Marcia. Got to get closer than a quarter of an inch. Remember that one, Greg Brady? He's driving that fucking Caprice classic or whatever the fuck they had whipping it around the parking lot. Making fun of how broads can't drive. One of my favorite fucking episodes of the Brady Bunch.

My two favorite episodes was the first half of that Brady Bunch episode when Greg Brady was bringing the fucking hammer down and was going, let me tell you three fucking stepsister bitches something. None of you broads know how to drive. And that includes your mother, who I'm banging by the way. Who I'm banging by the way. All right, with her weird ass haircut, whatever the fuck, you know. Did anybody ever have that fucking haircut out other than her? I mean, that is like, I don't know what it was. She took like Mo from the Three Stooges haircut and then she put a fucking sort of mullet that she did a little flip to on the back. Anyways, let's get back to you broads. You know, not a fucking drive. That goes for you with the fucking speech impediment. You know, not a fucking drive. Jan with your awful fucking Hasidic Jew fucking curls. I don't know what you're trying to do, you know. And, and, and Marsha, who I don't know why I'm not banging you. Some reason I skipped over you and started banging your mother, right.

None of you bitches can fucking drive. And I'm watching this episode going, this is Greg Brady's the shit, Greg, fuck Fonzie. You know, with this stupid fucking, you know, spinning around and punching a jukebox. So it plays shaboom, shaboom. I don't give a fuck about that. I like Greg Brady. You know, for as much as Fonzie was talking shit, he was always nice to the ladies and that's, that's seventh grade game with the woman. Greg Brady, that's, that's how Greg ended up fucking their mom because he didn't give a shit. He didn't give a fuck. Greg, fuck you, Carol. You're not my mother. You know, not a drive either. Oh my God. Took him in that fucking groovy attic they had started blowing him.

That's why his hair got all curly. So anyways, that episode, he's telling these fucking broads that they don't know how to drive. And then in the end, of course, because they always have to cater to women, these nerdy fucking writers. You know, and then the end they fucking, you know, Marsha goes around this stupid fucking track and they had a cone with a little egg on it. You guys have seen this and she fucking, you know, I forget whatever Marsha chokes in the beginning and then in the end, just to fucking even it out. So everybody's happy and they can sell tied during the commercials. They have Greg fuck up and knock the egg off. That's, that's what I was trying to get to. Wasn't that what I was trying to get to that went on so fucking long. I can't even remember. All I'm saying is that the guy you want, you don't, it doesn't fucking matter how many yards you throw.

In the regular season, it doesn't fucking matter unless you got him on your fantasy fucking team, whatever that means. Evidently that makes you sit up a little bit straighter in your Ikea office chair on Monday. I don't know what the fuck it means. But at the end of the day, how you judge a quarterback is in those fucking moments. Okay. All right. And I understand the Barry Sanders out there played on the Lions. It's a horrific franchise. I can't judge him like that. He never had the opportunity. So I don't. But when I see a guy like Peyton Manning, who has had the opportunities and he has not delivered for them to sit there or try to act like this fucking debate is still going on. It isn't. There is no Peyton Manning Tom Brady debate. Peyton Manning has to redeem. He has to redeem himself. You don't think the players on his team are fucking questioning him. This is the guy. This is the guy leading us to battle. Who's great during boot camp. Who's great during the war games we play during fucking regular season. But when it really comes down to live ammunition in the fucking playoffs, this fucking guy is curling up in a foxhole.

Blaming the fucking radar guy. We had communication issues. Fuck you. There is no debate. As far as I'm concerned, you guys can chime in. You guys can chime in. Go ahead, Indianapolis. Huh? With your step team. They're the fucking Baltimore Colts, by the way. That would be great if it didn't start. I said the Baltimore Colts. Anyways, I enjoyed that. I'm sure a lot of other people didn't. A lot of people probably turned that off going, I'm so sick of him talking about Peyton Manning. Well, I'm going to react to everything that they write on the news. And I guarantee you, you're going to watch Peyton Manning again this fucking year. Just light it up. Light it up. Absolutely. Five, six thousand fucking yards. Right? And all he's got is that little fucking, you know, he's got one little Super Bowl ring. You know, like that fucking professional gambler who one time took the big pot and went down to the gift shop, got himself something fucking shiny. You know? What about the other nine digits? They got nothing. Sitting there naked.

Losing every fucking night. Coming home to a sparsely furnished apartment. You know? Don't even have a flat screen TV anymore. You still got that big fucking, you know, zenith color TV. That's been around since before the World Series of Poker. That's where Peyton Manning is right now. Alright? Okay. I think I fucking pretty much poured salt in the field, burned down the village. Alright, that's over. Okay. For those of you who had to sit there and endure that, let's give you some pleasurable viewing. Why don't you guys do yourself a favor and go over to themmpodcast.com where you can watch all of these funny YouTube videos. Here are the YouTube videos for the week, everyone. First one. Number one. Search this one. Crazy guy sings karaoke. This is a fucking great one. I don't know. And if you guys want to write a psychological breakdown to this guy, I would really appreciate it. Because I was trying to figure out this guy's energy if it's like he's so fucking amped up.

Because he's always wanted to perform that it somehow manifested itself in his spastic fucking look on his face. I tell you right now, he's an Asian guy and the second I saw this fucking look on his face that he makes right before he starts singing and when he sings the chorus, it really reminded me of Killer Con. Any wrestling fans out there? Do you remember how Killer Con used to, when he used to come on the mic, they acted like he couldn't speak fucking English. If anyone knows, he probably taught at Princeton during the fucking week, he would just sit there and have this crazy fucking look on his face and then Freddie Blasey or the fuck manage him. The Grand Wizard or wrestling would step in acting like they knew how to translate his shit. That's who I was thinking of when you watch this guy. Or he really went through a breakup because he's singing a breakup song and he's mad at some bitch. I have no idea. But it's Crazy Guy Sings Karaoke. Please check that out. YouTube video number two, Hey Bailing Fun.

Now if you're sitting there right now writing down all of these or trying to remember them, just go to themmpodcast.com. We're going to have them all lined up for you nice and fucking easy. Here's another one, Pole Dance Ruins Wedding. This one was so fucked up I thought it was fake, but evidently not. Here's another one, Prank Phone Call, Calling in Sick to Walmart. And the last one, this is one for after you've gone to lunch, Look Up Fat Rapper. This one, yeah, this one you'll have your jaw on your desk looking at this one. Anyways, let's go back to this one. I always wait for the YouTube videos in the end because I just stopped riffing and I just sort of just, you know, and then go check this and then I go into fucking robot mode. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Let's get me going again. Let's get the funny going again on this podcast.

Oh I know, I always trash women on this podcast. And you know, so I'm always telling the broads over there to fucking, you know, write some shit here. Talk some shit back so we can be nice, so we can be fair and balanced, like all those news shows, those news programs that they have. They can have you screaming about mosques. Do you know they're making a bakery where they have the fucking biggest loser? Anyway, alright, The Empire Strikes Back is the name of this one. This is, this is women, this is this one female listener I have who just really, just in an absolutely beautiful way, just dissects guys here. So we're going to read this here.

Bill, I've been listening to your podcast every week for a while now. I like to start off giving me actually a really concise form of time and then you get real vague. I've been listening to your podcast every week for a while now. Every week since 2009, every week for a while. I will see you at five minutes past some hour today. Okay, so be there. I've noticed you rag on females, but I haven't been offended. It's funny and I know it's all in good fun.

Hey, is a cool girl. Alright, I heard the emails of the guys who wrote in Trashing Women, so I am answering the call to write in and trash guys. God bless you. Let me give you a little context about who I am. I'm an industrial seamstress. Can't even say it. I am an industrial seamstress. Does that job still exist in this country?

It's great. Who gets to listen to podcasts while I work? I'm 25 and have been married to my husband for six years, together for eight. Okay, let's try to dissect this woman. Alright, so she met her husband at 17, got married at 19, and she's an industrial seamstress. You guys want to guess what state she's in? Do you work at the last factory that hasn't been turned into a condo in Ohio? This is like a character on Little House in the Prairie.

Does your husband have polio? Anyways, he is also a fan of you and your comedy. We have no kids, but we do have a three-year-old male AM staff. I don't know what that is. Terrier. Hopefully, we'll have a picture of that on the MM podcast. AM staff, A-M-S-T-A-F-F, Terrier. And a nine-month-old blue-nosed American pit bull.

God bless you. My mother raised me on her own, and I am the youngest of four kids. Because I grew up without a father in my life, I am sure that a huge part of my dis— that's a huge part of my disliking of men. Is there anything better than someone who can just address the fact that they fucking hate something and actually put a little bit of it on themselves? I hope I've done that. Why do I hate women?

I think it's because I'm a control freak. I think that's what it is. And I don't like people running my life or attempting to run my life. I don't like people budding into my life. And that's how I view women, and it's how I view the marital laws, which I understand were put together by men, but I think that it was put together by the Illuminati to keep people like myself, regular guys, salt-of-the-earth guys,

you know, old fucking, just chip-off-the-old-block kind of guys, you know, the kind of guys you could pal around and say, gee whiz with, you know, they prevent us from becoming rich. But, I mean, look at Tiger Woods. They cut that man in half. A vagina came in like a fucking radio-alarm saw that flew off its fucking hinges and just sliced that fucking, once-in-a-lifetime talent

right in fucking half. Because why? Why? Because he blew out his knee? Because he rested on his laurels? No, because he got legally bound to something that had a vagina. That right there. And as you can see, you know what it really is, is I always look at worst-case scenario shit.

Like, look at me, I'm taping a show that could go on to become a hit show and what do I do first? I immediately worry that my stand-up is going to suffer rather than being like, hey, this could be awesome. All right, why don't you just admit, Bill, you're a fucking psycho and you're a paranoid maniac and you really don't know what the fuck you're talking about. All right, guilty is charged.

Guilty is charged. But I do know a lot about Greg Brady. You got to give me that. All right, so here we go. Please let me share with you the reasons why some men suck. Look at this, she even said some men. And when do you get married so young? This girl's a catch here.

All right, number one, she says, I don't like diesel guys. You know, the guys who drive, they're extremely lifted, tricked out diesel trucks and think that they are so fast. I don't know what that means. So cool, you mean? They are always trying to get me to race them in my Evo. I don't know what that is either. And when I don't, because they're gay, they blow black smoke out their exhaust and peel away.

Do you live in Texas? That just sounded like the beginning of like urban cowboy. Anyway, something about their huge truck makes them think they have a huge dick. I got to go with you on that one. Yes, I don't like those guys. I don't like people who feel like because of the car that they have. You know, especially myself, because I drive a hybrid,

I always get people giving me shit. And then they start talking about their car like they fucking invented it, like they built it. It's like, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Some other man had to build that for you. Do you understand that, sweetheart? So why don't you climb behind your little shiny toy that you don't even understand how it fucking works?

All right, you cunt. All right, can I plow ahead here and actually stay with rather than interjecting my thoughts? Let's let the females talk here. Number two, my mother always taught me that it is rude to stare. I guess 50% of men either weren't taught that or they don't care. It is super fucking annoying when men stare. I totally understand seeing an attractive person

and them getting your attention, but it should end there. There are too many guys who just keep looking. Oh, yeah. I'm only guilty of that when I get drunk, then I don't give a fuck. I'm like, yeah, look at that little fucking titties on her. Um, excuse me. Quiet down, sweetheart. I'm looking at you, cleavage.

Anyway, she says, get a grip, fag. Like clockwork, if I am walking up an accident and accidentally make eye contact, um, this guy might look away for now, but the second I pass him and turn around to bust him, lo and behold, he is fucking staring. All right, I gotta tell you something. Staring at a woman making her feel uncomfortable

is definitely not cool. Uh, I totally agree with you on that, but you know, if you fucking walk by me, I can turn around and check out your ass. All right, if you have a problem with that, um, I feel bad for you, because one day you're gonna turn around. I don't know.

Could be when you're 27, it could be when you're 47. I don't know when, but one day you're gonna turn around and lo and behold, the dude is not gonna be staring. And let me tell you something. That is not a fun fucking day, so enjoy those days. As long as he's not running back at you, grabbing your ass, if he's turning around, checking you out, there's nothing wrong.

That's fucking staring. Staring is looking at, when you're facing him, that's staring. Staring in your eyes, looking at your titties, checking out your box. Really being disrespectful to that. That's staring, but when you walk by, looking over your shoulder, that's a fucking,

you know, it's a compliment. If he continues to walk and turns around, checks you out, that's actually a compliment. If he stops and he's got one hand in his pocket, and it appears that he's doing half the mashed potato dance, like that, that is offensive, without a doubt. Jesus, where did I pull that out of? That would be offensive.

Alright, but he's turning around fucking staring at you. That means that you're an attractive woman, and stop being so cunty and take it as a compliment. Alright, I understand you walk by a construction site and they go, hey, let me see your fucking panties! Or whatever the hell they yell. You know? Whistling at you, and all that type of shit.

I understand that. Yeah, I totally get that. You know? Treating you the same way I would be treated when I first walked into a prison facility holding my blanket. I totally understand that. But you know, if he continues walking in the other direction and turns around and checks out your ass, it's not wrong with that.

It's not wrong. That means he liked what he saw. That means you're looking good. That means he's not fucking staring. Alright? Anyway, she goes on to say, everyone notices hot girls and guys too, but it is rude to stare. Okay, I'll go with you halfway on that.

You know, when you're looking at me, I shouldn't be staring at your fucking chest, or your hips, or your ass, or your fucking hoo-ha, or your legs, or whatever. But on the other side, you know, if you're really hot and you wear something really sexy, I mean, guys are only so, like, I don't know, we're only so,

we only have so much control over that. You're fucking with nature there. Alright? Yeah, so I kind of blamed you in a way. So you're right, no. Somewhere in the middle of that, I agreed with you. Just take that. You take that home with you. Alright, number three.

What is with the nasty bathroom habits? I don't know if some men just don't notice, or don't care that the outer rim of their toilets are fucking disgusting. Is it that hard to wipe off what missed the target? A house with only single guys, or a men's bar bathroom, is proof that some men have horrendous bathroom habits.

Okay, absolutely 100% agree with you, other than the public bathrooms. There's nothing more disgusting. The females bathroom is actually more disgusting because you guys hover, and you can't see what the fuck you're aiming at. Alright? I used to work in a restaurant,

and one of my jobs was I had to clean the fucking bathrooms, and I don't know what the fuck you guys are using, all that fucking toilet. It's like a ticket, it's like, somebody won a fucking championship in there. You know, the Canyon of Heroes. There's all ticker tape and all kinds of shit all over the floor. It's fucking horrific,

and you guys piss all over the place. You know, exactly, you know what I mean? Us urinating, at least we're looking at what we're urinating. You guys, it's like a fucking trick shot, and you're shit-faced in high heels, okay? And you're hovering! Need I say more? Alright, but everything else that you said is 100% true.

I lived with guys when, obviously, when I was fucking single and all that type of shit, and I never understood that. I never understood the fucking dirty dishes piled up to the ceiling, or the food that you fucking ordered nine months ago, and it has like, disgusting mold on the side of it, and thinking all that shit was funny, not mopping up the floor,

living like a fucking animal, slice a pizza in the cushion, or however they always try to make single guys, you know? You know, like whenever they do in a Hollywood movie, at least they used to do it like back in the day, like whenever a single guy would get up, just to demonstrate that he needs a woman in life. It was actually insulting to both sexes.

It was basically saying that this guy needs a woman in his kitchen to start fucking making some food or something, and it was insulting to the guy, basically saying that guys didn't know how to take care of themselves. You know? And I know that there are a lot of guys out there, I know it's just comedy or whatever, but every fucking movie would always start off,

the guy would have like chocolate, milk, half a beer left, and he'd pour it on some fruit loops, and then mix the whole thing together in a blender, suck it down, and then do a spit take into the sink. And then that was the deal, to show that he needs a woman in his fucking life. But I totally understand you.

It's fucking gross, and there was nothing worse than when I would be on the road when I was younger, and I would crash at buddy's places, and you'd go to get up, hey, can I, you know, can I take a shower before I go? They'd be like, yeah, right? And they'd go to give you this fucking towel that, you know, they, you know,

check their oil on, wash their dog with, and fucking, I don't know what, drove the car over it, it felt like a fucking stiff piece of cardboard, and then you'd go into their shower, and it was just, you couldn't touch anything. Hair all over the place, fucking disgusting. I never, never fucking understood that,

and I want to tell you sweetheart, I never lived like that. I've never fucking lived like that, and one of my biggest fucking turnoffs ever are messy women. There's nothing worse than messy women, because as much as I just stuck up for guys that were not all slobs, it's like,

you're supposed to teach us how not to be fucking animals. You know, the same way I'm supposed to, you know, teach you ditzy broads how to fucking change a light bulb, you know, because you don't want to get your nails, to have your nails melted away, right? And you're supposed to teach me how not to, you know, drink milk from nine months ago.

So, actually the first girl I dated, she had a bedroom where she wouldn't let me in her bedroom. It's like the first three months we dated, you know? So I just, you know, we just sort of hooked up out in the living room. Had to make sure her roommate wasn't home. And I was like, no, honestly, I don't, you know,

three months, I know you, let me in. And I went in there, and it was a combination storage bin. You know what it looked like? You ever see those guys in New York City, like when they're selling shit illegally on the sidewalk, and all of a sudden a cop comes and they just grab it and they run like hell.

Just imagine if after they ran like hell, they just threw it into somebody's bedroom. That's what the fuck it looked like. And you had to like, it was like a hoarder. She was like a fucking hoarder, but her roommate didn't tolerate it. So it was all in her goddamn bedroom. And I just immediately remember looking at this woman

going like, yeah, this is, you know, I'm not gonna live with this girl someday. And then I continued to bang her for another six months because I was young. And I was like, but what if I never get another one? Stupid. Anyway, so let's plow ahead. Number four, Trashing Men.

The Empire's Striking Back Here. I absolutely hate when men honk their horn at women on the street. I have lived, you must be pretty hot if this, like most of this has to do with you trying to get down the street without getting leered at, getting your butt pinched. What's your next one gonna be?

I hate when I become a secretary and the boss thinks I'm gonna blow him. Number four, I absolutely hate when men honk their horn at women on the street. I have lived on my, I lived a lot of my life in an urban setting, and I have walked busy side streets a shit ton.

A shit ton, okay. What good does it do to honk your horn like a faggy coward? You know, you sound like one of those women who like throws shit when you get mad. Like, you just, I don't know, what your energy, I don't know what the fuck it is about the way you write stuff.

Um, you don't write stuff like typically female where it's like, God, it's like so stupid. It's like a fucking fag. Um, do you throw shit? Um, anyways, is it satisfying to them?

Do they think they are paying a compliment? Ooh, that capital letters really makes me feel capital letters so special to have a dirtbag honk his fucking horn. Beep! Usually follow his gesture up with the bird

in a loud fuck off. Oh, that's what you do back? That usually makes us laugh. I guess that cat calls whistles and smoochy sounds are even worse. Oh, cat calls whistles and smoochy sounds

are even worse. What the fuck decade are you living in? People still do that? I just do not understand what the benefit of these actions are. Um, oh, uh, from my side of the street. Um,

alright, there's a lot more on guys out there. Okay, who's getting who? One of them plays quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers and has one more ring than fucking Peyton Manning. Alright, but I digress. Um, but then there's another thing. There's, uh,

I don't know, for guys to get laid, you have to understand we have to get over the fear of approaching women and getting rejected. Like, I know you guys have your level of rejection, but like, um, I don't know, other than humiliating yourself

in front of an audience, just for every regular guy, I would think the most humiliating thing is to walk up to a female and, um, shut you down. Just because

that whole bullshit of being a guy, you're just supposed to, it's just like from day one, you're supposed to know how to do it. You're supposed to, uh, know how to talk to women. You're supposed to, you know, know all about sex. You're supposed to be, like,

worldly before you've even seen the outskirts of your fucking town. And, uh, it's okay to now just say, hey, I don't know how to do this. Can you give me some advice and reach out for help? You know, that shit didn't exist

when I was growing up. Like, they actually have reality shows about that. You know that guy who had that, the lamp shade from True Romance on his fucking head? Remember that reality show? That guy was, remember, okay, True Romance, when Christian Slater's

he's going in there, he's talking to Gary Oldham and he's pushing that lamp with his fucking head? And, uh, there was a reality show on like VH1 teaching these nerdy guys how to pick up women and that guy literally had that lamp shade on his fucking head.

And as dumb as it was, if you have the balls to wear something like that, some woman is going to come up to you. I'm not saying a good looking one, but some woman is going to be intrigued with the fact that you so don't give a fuck what people think

that you would actually wear that thing on your fucking head that you would somehow perceive it as some level of confidence, I guess, and that you're going to do what the fuck you want in life which might translate to them. This is all speculation. You guys can all correct me next week,

but under all that, I don't give a fuck. I do what the fuck I want to do. I think females read that as in this guy is going to take what he wants in life. This guy is not a scared little bitch. Therefore, he's going to get what he wants, and if he gets what he wants,

he's going to be able to provide, which is what I need, because when I get knocked up, I'm out of the game. I'm uninjured, reserved, just sitting there with a swollen fucking belly. Can you go this Sunday?

No, no, sir, I cannot. I cannot, right? Do you realize how fucking scary that is? I just realized that. You never think about that shit as far as being able to pay your rent. How fucking bad women have it that you've got to go out there

and try not to get a fucking loser. Like, really just sit there and be like going in there and trying to pick out the person who's going to be able to have you back. But not only, I guess,

women can tough it out for the first two trimesters that, you know, I mean, Jesus Christ, some of them, right up until like, yeah, I'm giving birth next week, right? Isn't that how it goes? Then they just fucking, I don't know, they're like hockey players.

Just get stitched right up on the fucking bench and they're right back in there, right? I didn't mean it like that, if you thought I meant like, you know, that was really disgusting. I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to compare it to hockey, really in a pit right now. See if I can crawl out.

Like, if I, like, walking into a bar, I used to just, I would walk in there and I would be thinking like a guy, like, alright, who's the hottest girl in here that would actually still consider fucking me?

So, it was never the best looking chicks. If I could go back in time, that was the one thing that I really don't like about myself is, whenever I saw the hottest girls in the bar, Jesus Christ, you know, I'll leave that to the fucking quarterbacks.

I was so conditioned in my head to where I was in the fucking pecking order that I didn't even, I didn't even try it. So I went with the, I went after like sevens and eights, you know, it wasn't until I got into show business and danced around like a fucking

goddamn monkey on stage. Even then, the good looking ones who came up to you were fucking crazy. Jesus Christ, I'm almost 45 minutes in here. Let's, actually, right there, that was one of the rare times on this podcast. I actually tried to look at it from a female's perspective

and actually gave you props. That has to be really difficult and fucking scary. And, I think we've had plenty of stories of guys talking about nightmare chicks who come in and take them for everything they're fucking worth. How about all these women out there who, you looked at a guy,

he looked like a fucking winner. Alright, and then he just, ended up being this fucking loser sitting on a goddamn couch playing video games eating donuts as you're sitting there pregnant going like, really? This is, this is, this guy, this is the dude.

This is how you provide, you know what I mean? And if there's any females out there who have any sort of inside information on how to read guys so you don't end up with that dude, by all means, by all means, write in and I will read the shit, or at least attempt to and stutter over the goddamn words.

Alright, number 5. It's not over yet. Alright, number 5. I do not like when some guys cannot control themselves and stare at tits and ass. Didn't you already say this? Doesn't this go under staring? Is this an offshoot?

Is this like a spinoff when Flo got her own show off of Alice? Instead of respecting the women, by speaking to her face while making eye contact and just using their peripheral vision and the idea of her tits and ass. You know what?

Go fuck yourself on this one. Why don't you put your fucking tits away, sweetheart? You don't want people staring at your tits and ass. Stop wearing those fucking hip-hugging jeans with your little booty crack coming out. Stop wearing the shit with the cleavage. Alright? Jesus Christ, why don't you just fucking walk in their top?

That's the thing I've always hated. You know? Hello, I'm up here. Well, you know what? You're not as good looking as your tits, sweetheart. And he's back. The chauvinistic cunt is back. Alright, let's finish reading this. I have one friend

in particular who is terrible at this. He even will walk 20 feet out of his way to be at a good angle to see down a shirt or into a skirt. Alright, that guy's a pervert. And I got to admit, I'm a pervert, too. I swear to God, if you have a fucking skirt on

that's really short and you're about ready to walk up some stairs, you know, I'm going to do a little march in place. Let you get a good fucking 10 stairs in front of me. I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to look. I am going to look. Wear some pants if you don't want it to happen.

Or take the fucking elevator. I'm looking. I'm looking. You know what? You know what the thing is, too? You know what it is? They want you to look. Oh, yeah, they want it. I'm fucking with you. Anyways, what is that going to do for him?

What is that? There is way better shit on there. There isn't, sweetheart. There's nothing better than seeing live titties. Okay? And you can never see enough of them. So he's probably on the internet, too. And whenever he can, he's just checking out titties.

Anyways, continuing. It is the 21st century. You can see millions of bare tits and ass in the comfort of your home. I don't get the distraction. There's this fucking argument that if you put it in the right in a different situation,

you would argue the other side. What if you were in a relationship with some guy and he's looking at tits and ass on the internet, you'd be standing there like, really, you'd rather look at this shit that you can't really even interact with than I got live titties and ass right here. Why don't you come over here?

See? See what I did there? Anyways, initially I thought that I could compile a huge list of trashing men, but growing up, I've calmed down some with my anti-men attitude. I have many male friends who I care for. Dearly, this is all nice.

I am a fan of many male comedians, musicians, and artists, and no way do I hate all men. Now, why are you taking it all away? I like what you wrote. Alright, here's someone who just straight up fucking hates guys. Let's read this real quick. And if you're bitching about it as a guy,

we fucking deserve it because I got three years in a row. Number one, guys who think one good conversation means they're in. I can't tell you how many guys I've spoken to a grand total of once who think that just because they made me laugh during like conversation

that I will automatically bed them. I'm sorry, no. The world doesn't work like a porno, sad to tell you. Alright, wire to wire, that's perfect, can't fuck with that. Number two, guys who use I said that right.

Seriously, stop it. Yeah, you smell good now, but as soon as you walk away that second cloud of ball smell is going to be waiting after you and no girl is dying to get with that. Two for two. Dudes who can't flirt, needn't try.

This is an actual conversation I had. Him, what are you doing? Me, watching Jersey Shore. You, him, wondering if you suck dick. Wondering if you suck dick. Wow.

And then her response was wow, just, oh my god. Alright, number four, learn to kiss. Fellas, I know that when you practice on your hand and think you got skills and think you got skill, but when you attempt to French kiss and you end up basically

eating my mouth, that's not good. Sweetheart, that works both ways. Female, stop thinking just because you're female. You're automatically sensual and you have a nice touch and you know how to kiss. It is a fucking skill. Some people are born with it, but not everybody. That kissing thing is the only one I'll fuck

with you on. Alright? I believe I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell it again. Alright, I'm in this, I'm in a bar, right? I'm chatting up this broad. Okay, she's short, okay? Her arms, there's something fucked up with her arms. I can't really tell. Like that chick who makes the Italian food on the Food Network. If you ever really start

looking at her arms, she's cute as a button, but there's something with her fucking arms. She's just not a dwarf. Anyways, so it was one of those deals, but she was cute though, right? Aside from her

jack-in-the-box arms, she was fucking cute, alright? So I go, I lean in, we're going to make out or whatever. I was fucking in there, right? Now, when you go to kiss somebody, for those of you who don't know how to kiss, you pick a lip. You're going high, they're going low, or vice versa. But what this girl would do, when

I went high, she went high, or if I went pick the lower lip, she went lower lip. She would basically do upper lip to upper lip, lower lip to lower, that's what she kept trying to do. And I got so frustrated at one point, I literally grabbed two handfuls of hair, I was a little drunk, on both sides of her head

and, and tried to try to help her. Needless to say, after she kissed me, my dick was just like, alright dude, you're on your own. You're on your own on this one. I don't know what you want to do, but I'm good. I'm going to bed now. See you, see you in the morning.

You know? I think I told that other story, that girl doggy style, you know? When I move forward, you move back. Sounds like a rap song. Is that a ludicrous song? Um,

when I move forward, you move back, and then we both separate and then we come together again, like fucking magnets. That's how you do it. This girl would basically, when I went forward, she went forward, and when I went back, she went back. So we just sort of rocking together. So I was, uh,

I was inside the building, but uh, there was no friction. So once again, my dick started being like, you know, if this is how it's going to be, I think, uh, I got work in the morning. So once again, I had to fucking grab her by the back of the neck, like some

fucking insubordinate hellhound, another hand on her hip, and I had to hold her still for a second as I went back and then I brought her to me, and then see, see, there, there you go. There you go. Alright? But I understand this woman.

You don't, you don't kiss other women, so there you go. Alright, number five, guys who by the way, this is fucking killer lists here. Number five, guys who insist on a girl who's hairless. I don't think guys realize how much work it takes for a woman to maintain

silky smooth skin all the time, but it is a pain. It wouldn't be so bad to keep it up if the guys did the same, but sadly a lot of furry little men stick their noses up at the ideas. Um, how can we be forced to do it

when your chinchilla ass doesn't? Um, someone else made a list and was just talking about the pedophile tendency of that, and I could not agree more. I think it's creepy. 100% hairless is fucking creepy.

Alright? I'd like a nice manicured lawn, please. That's all I'm asking for. Yeah, that other thing, yeah, that's just no. The Calvin Klein ad, as I call it, one of those creepy ads he had with the fucking people kids down in the goddamn basement.

I think that's truly one of the few times in life when I actually get offended. I really, it really bothers me when that ad campaign and when they have like 14 year old models you know, sitting on a swing dress

like they're 22 and they look like they just got roofied. That's really, um, I don't get it. I really don't get that at all. I don't know if it's because there's a lot of gay guys in fashion that they don't realize

how creepy, straight guys view that. I don't know what, but whoever's you know, they're really missing the mark on that. It's just, it's fucking unbelievably creepy and it actually makes me angry when I see it and I want to find the guy who came up with it

and uh, and fucking punch him in the face because it's wrong. It's fucking wrong. And believe me, for me to be saying something's wrong, it has to be fucking wrong because I really don't give a shit about most things. Alright, but yeah. Enough with the fucking sexy 14 year old

who looks like she just got drugged and can't stand up on her fucking bambi legs. I really, that's fucking, it's fucked up. Okay, number six. And lastly, uh, men who assume oral is always on the table.

You are boring, a bad driver, didn't pay for my movie ticket, made me listen to speed metal while we were in traffic, but you think that you deserve to be blown? You have dirty hair, I can only imagine what state your dick is in. Ugh, then she writes,

what's that in your eye? Oh, it's just a sparkle. You know what, that was phenomenal. Phenomenal points, phenomenally written. Um, I'm liking this. The empire strikes back. The women coming back at us, we fucking deserve it. Uh,

let's see if I think I got a, okay, let's get overrated, underrated for the week. This podcast is getting a little old here. 56, uh, overrated. I like this one here. This guy writes in, he says, the use of the word epic to describe everything. And you know what's funny? After I was just like, oh, that's

a classic. I got to put that on the podcast. And then I was driving down the street and there's some um, new show coming out and the advertising billboard says um, something about the epic of epicness. You know, just classic

people in the motion picture or whatever, TV industry. They liked it. We keep finding the word epic on YouTube. Let's use it in our advertising. Um, kind of like when they were trying to figure out grunge and they just couldn't figure it out

how to advertise to the, I don't give a fuck, man. I'm going to shoot myself in the face generation, right, that I semi came up in. I'm like half in grunge, half in hair metal, right? So they actually came out with that movie called Feeling Minnesota.

I believe Keanu Reeves was in it. I think it was a, uh, a sound garden lyric. Um, I don't know what. Um, anyways. Overrated. Working in a job you hate and don't want to do anymore. I feel like my job is slowly killing me

and I need to find something else, but I'm dragging my feet thanks to this economy. Yeah, dude. The great thing is you've expressed it out loud. You've written it and now I've said it out loud. So you'll get out of that. Yeah, you don't like it. Just get out. Get out.

Just find something else. Anything fucking, not anything, but you know, just every day, you just take another swing at the fucking tree. Eventually you chop it down and get the fuck out of there. Because it's your life. Alright, um,

what is this? Oh, this is some more men trashing. Uh, men with huge muscles. I think we already... I'm not just talking about the steroid freaks. I'm including those guys whose necks are hidden by their overdeveloped shoulder muscles and whose pecs could fill a C cup bra.

And for Christ's sake, stop talking about your workout routines. I don't care how many reps you did while exercising your idiot toys or how much you can bench press. Just mention the fact that the bar you use to bench press weighs by itself 45 pounds

and that you added some heavy crap on that. Heavy crap on. That alone impresses me and doesn't bore me to death. That was actually a great point and I butchered it. Number two, shaving.

I'm not talking about men shaving their faces. Please do it because we women hate stubble. Okay, honestly, we love it. Movies and on TV. But the beard burn in real life is just not pleasant. It's not

shaving, it's not women shaving their pubic hair that is overrated. Naked pussies are, oh here's a woman, naked pussies are another product of our culture's obsession with super thin models and actresses and it is sick. Think about it this way.

Kira Knightley, naked, I don't know who that is, naked looks more like a 10 year old boy than a 25 year old woman. And ladies who actually have sizable breasts and shaved crotches look like women on top of little girls on the bottom.

Yeah, see that's just fucking gross. This is the woman. This trend makes me think that all men are secretly pedophiles and like to imagine raping children. Alright, you know. Okay, I think pedophiles work. You really took it the whole nine yards. So she said your predictable rant

defending men goes here. Now sweetheart, I'm not fucking defending you. I understand your side on that one. I can already hear you accusing me of being a fat, bitter, broad. This is how bad I am. They're anticipating me saying this shit.

This is why I'm doing this segment because I've completely lost credibility with the female audience here. She says I'm not. I'm 26 and while my bathroom scale, if I had one would be over 130, I've been in a relationship for seven years and dated other people

before that so it's not like a fluke that a guy is interested in me. You don't need to justify yourself. You made great points. Alright, underrated. These are from me here. I'm actually going to contribute here so you guys don't have to work all the fucking time. You can kick back and you cubicles and relax.

Underrated. Drinking. This is from me. This is from my heart to you people. Drinking a beer on your porch or balcony at the end of the day. I did it the other day. I got a little fucking balcony, one of those one bedroom apartment balconies and I just sat out there. It's impossible.

I don't give a fuck what is going on in your life as a man to sit on a porch with a little breeze going. At dusk, right? Drinking a beer with a...it's impossible to not feel successful. You feel like you just fucking completed

the transcontinental railroad and you're the guy who drove in the golden spike. Um... Alright. Here's my next one. Underrated. Actually using your car as a place to park your car. I just feel

it's a good sign that you're a well-adjusted human being if you actually put your car in the garage. And if you have a bunch of clutter and garbage in your fucking...if you use your garage as storage also you know, then I think

that's like the Bronx tale. That's just the tip of the iceberg and you really just need to get out of that fucking relationship. Um... Alright. We're well over an hour. Should I keep going? Do you guys have something better to do? I don't think you do. I'm going to keep going here.

Underrated. Professional courtesy. I work for a cellular provider in a call center and the sheer amount of ignorant assholes that call me and curse at me for no reason is astounding. Now what does that go back to? Podcast listeners? This guy's getting cursed at

because people don't listen to my podcasts and they don't realize that you don't curse at that guy. After he says what he's supposed to say, you just tell him that's unacceptable. I need to talk to somebody above you. That's what you do. This guy's getting cursed out because people just lack the ability

or they don't have the knowledge. You just say it's unacceptable. Um...alright. Number one. Underrated. Uh, sobriety. Um, I don't have time to read all these fucking things. sobriety. I started. I gotta finish it. See, even the word makes... Uh, is this underrated?

sobriety. See, even the word makes being not fucked up sound boring. Uh, do these people...do people these days lack the intelligence and imagination to have fun without being stoned or drunk off their asses? I've never seen the appeal in having random words come out of my mouth rubbing up against

a stranger then falling down and passing out amongst people. I wouldn't... I wouldn't trust to walk my dog. If your life sucks so much that you would rather be silly sitting at a dirty dimlet bar or smoking pot with strange people living in their parents' basement then do something to change it.

Don't become numb to your life. Rage... Rage against the routine. And if your life isn't that bad, why risk your health, money, and sanity on recreational poisons? You know, that might be one of the greatest arguments I've ever had for being sober.

It hasn't overrided my sitting on the porch drinking a beer, which I'm going to do right after this fucking podcast. Number two. Girl geeks. Why are men so obsessed with the size two party girls at fashion

and fashionistas? Can we just stop here for a second? Men aren't. You know why I know what a fashionista is? Because of my girlfriend. She loves all of those blogs. She goes on all of those things and she constantly bitches

about those size two fucking women. And she always says that guys are into them. You guys are the one who read Vogue. You're the ones who read Cosmo. You're the one... They don't have those women in sports illustrated. They don't. And when they do the swimsuit issue, they're not size

two. Okay? Go fuck yourself. They're not. Granted, I don't know what a fucking size two is, that's that little those lollipop looking girls. The big fucking heads. They look like raggedy and dolls, but you grabbed it by the neck.

You just wrung out the stuffing through the doll feet. That's what they look like. Blame the people in the fashion industry. The hacky theory is that there's a bunch of gay guys in fashion and they're more attractive

to guys. I don't know. I've just always heard that. So they're trying to make them have no curves. I don't know what, but yeah, no, I'm not into that. I'm not into that looking like you can barely fucking stand up. I'm not into that. I'll tell

you what I like. Go look up Cool Hand Luke and look at the chick washing the fucking car. Go look up that on YouTube. We'll actually have the clip on the MM podcast. Look that up. If you want to be in a relationship where you can relax and not be nagged to dress

well and go do something. You want a girl who is more interested in surfing I don't know where the fuck to go with this. I don't even know where to pick that up. Alright, I'm done. I'm done with the podcast. I'm well over an hour. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. A lot of reading, by the way.

That's why it was an hour and five minutes because I'm not the best reader as you've noticed. So that's the podcast for this week. This week football season starts. Let the shit talk and begin. Patriots have the Bengals next week. My prediction is the Patriots come out

with a big victory. I just think, I don't know, it's been real quiet up in New England. I like it. Rex Ryan and the Jets are talking all this fucking shit. And I think it's great. Everybody's going to be looking at them. I feel like the Patriots are like

what the Colts get every year when nobody focuses on them. And everybody was looking at Bill Belichick and who the fuck he was filming. And all the crap that was going on there. Tom Brady's fucking knee. Oh, they're going to be undefeated. It's nice that Rex Ryan, that insecure fat fuck, is running his

goddamn mouth with his chronic need to be liked. I cannot wait for week two and I just want us to fucking kill the Jets to the point that Rex Ryan just like literally snaps that lap band in his fucking stomach.

Just eating lasagna at four in the fucking morning crying. I knew it wasn't good enough. That's the podcast for this week. God bless all of you. Have a great week and I'll talk to you next Monday. I'll let you know how the pilot shoot went. Okay.

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